Dumb People Town - Keegan-Michael Key - Sh*t's Out the Window on This One

Episode Date: September 19, 2017

This week, Keegan-Michael Key (Friends From College, Key & Peele) calmly drives to Dumb People Town with a nail embedded in his chest! Keegan talks to the Sklars and Daniel Van Kirk about the power of surprise in comedy, before jumping into Story #1, i...

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast jam With co-host Armand Dan And Dirk, don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits the funny hits We are gonna take you down Stick around, make a sound On your downies, Dumb People Town Alright townies, welcome to another episode of

Dumb People Town Population U, we've got a great guest on the show today. Holy smokes. I mean, this is an old friend of ours, someone who has made us laugh so much through the years on TV, and then just in person. Yeah. King and Michael Key, what's up? Yes! Even in person, I've done it?

You have done it in person! You do it like up-close magic. Like, yeah, I am a predestined, what's that word? Predestinedagitation? What's the word? Prestidigitation! Prestidigitation. Prestidigitation. Comedic prestidigitator.

I just want. That's it. That's my one big word for that. You're good. If I could bring this together and you having connections in your life to both white and black, can we at one point just switch the way white people experienced up close magic and black people experience up-close magic. For once, I just want to see a couple from Connecticut, Waspie couple, see someone do an up-close magic thing and then just run away.

And then get up and run away. And run away and scream the whole time, y'all are demons. Y'all are demons. He a demon. The demons. The demons are demons. No. See, that's some shit.

But you saw Harrison Ford. You saw what Harrison Ford did, right? Was it David Blaine? Yes, it was David Blaine. In his kitchen. Get the fuck out of my house. He's got that one little earring. And it's not that little.

It's not that big. It's just like, okay Harrison, we get it buddy. You're still cool. Everybody loves you. He just goes, fuck, get the fuck up. I got a house. I just literally just want white people just to be running away, pointing, going, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, I believe in Jesus.

That's magic. My favorite is when that person then cuts between the magician and the camera to be like, you saw that. Right. You saw it. Right, right. Just to the camera to be like, you saw that. Right. You saw it. Just to the camera. Y'all see that? Y'all see that?

Now you got that on camera, right? Tell me you got that. Tell me. Please tell me you got that on camera. Y'all need to get that camera up closer because that's not real. You can't do that. That's a wizard. He a wizard.

He going to hell. He a wizard. That's it. That's exactly it. You going to hell. You need some Jesus. I'm going to pray for your ass. I'm going to pray for you. I'm going to pray for your ass. Because you going straight to hell. Because you a wizard. He a wizard. He going to hell. He a wizard. That's it. That's exactly it. You going to hell. You need some Jesus. I'm going to pray for your ass. I'm going to pray for you because you're going straight to hell because you a demon.

You got hand, hand demon. Honestly, for me, watching those moments because how much pure, real moment. We talked about it before with you in terms of sports and stuff. That's one of the last pure, true moments. terms of sports and stuff that's like one of the last pure true moments actually it's one of the reasons why i loved watching uh key and peel so much is that you guys on stage i know not everything was a hundred percent fully worked out and written out so that you could surprise each other exactly there were moments in the live thing where you set it up and this is why i think jay and i love you guys so much as a as a team doing comedy? Is that you guys, when you would do it together, very much similar to us, is that we would leave it open.

So that if you surprise the person, that's a real moment. Hard to, you don't see those on TV that much. Because the only thing you really, I think part of the equation that people don't understand is, I'll take surprise over super clever writing every day. But then you have, there are things that exist in our world, things like Veep. Veep is a project that's the perfect blend, amalgam of both those things, where the writing is sharp, fun, caustic, exciting. And at the same time, they're writing into the structure of a script surprise. And open

moments. And open moments where you can see and sometimes the open moments aren't from the actors. The actors may know exactly what they're doing. It's that docu mocku drama. Yeah. And catches that because you weren't expecting that. I never knew I was going to see that. Yeah.

And then you go oh okay. So anytime you see good comedy, anything that makes you laugh out loud in your house by yourself is a surprise. Especially too, like comics when we get caught off guard. Because a lot of times we can see where this is going. We see where it's going.

When it comes from left and hits you like that, that's the best. But I know you love that because there are moments in Keanu that even were surprisingly that I was like, okay okay that was a moment in the take where they got each other right exactly right and we did yeah because there's no way there's no way because because you wouldn't have thought to zag it that way so you say okay what we'll do is this and then we'll surprise the audience with that no no sometimes by design you try do that. The only time I could think of it being super, super, super successful when we were trying to do it was the very first sketch we ever did,

which is the two guys standing on the street, and one guy's talking black. Oh, my God, I love this. So you don't expect, no one, it's so funny because Jordan and I- I did not expect that. First time I saw it, I never expected that it was so funny. And the reason that it worked out is because Jordan and I come from a very narrow bandwidth of american society so we if you're

if you're biracial you're probably gonna go i know exactly what's gonna happen yes but if you're not you don't black or white if you don't if you're not us you don't see that coming and it was such a great and so the other one was the movie hecklers. And Jordan always used to say, he made up this really great term, comedic judo. It's used people's expectations against them. So we wanted people at the beginning of the sketch, this movie heckler sketch. Remember that sketch? Yeah. So you want people at the beginning of the movie heckler sketch to go, this is so stupid.

I've seen this. I've seen this a million times. Black guys talking in a movie theater. I get it. I've seen this a hundred times. And then go, a movie theater, I get it. I've seen this a hundred times. And then go, aha, but you've never seen auteurs or black guys who are film students do it.

You can plan it every now and again, but what you're saying, Randy, it's got to be green light. Where do you set up your green lights so you can try to surprise people? That's why we love this riff. It is why, I'll say this last thing and then we'll get into a story, is the moment where you played James Franklin, I watched this,

and came to Penn State, and showed up in front of the players, and started, you were just being... I did the Thursday meeting. I just did the Thursday meeting. He was James Franklin, and then revealed that you are who you are to them, and they went nuts.

It was one of the greatest things I've ever seen in my life. And as a Penn State graduate, that must have been the greatest thing. Oh, it was one of the greatest things i've ever seen in my life and as a penn state graduate that must have been the greatest it was one of the it was such a that's one of those great times where a dream comes true you didn't know you had when i was younger i always thought oh maybe one day i'd be able to go stand on the sideline next to paterno yeah but to be the coach maybe one day i could cover up sandusky i could look the other way. Right, exactly. Me and the Penn Statists. No, that is amazing, and they're amazing.

If you can see it online, you've got to check it out. Well, let me explain what this show is. The world is getting dumber, as we all understand. Absolutely, 100%. Our way to combat it is through comedy, to understand it. It's the only way to do it. I heard a story today. Can I get in there?

Yeah, give us one. the only way to do it yeah so i heard a story today can i can i get in yeah so driving here on npr somebody was being interviewed about about what our new social media etiquette should be and that we should i can't even remember the term anymore but he said if you want to if you want to do fact checking or we should kind of be doing editing the the interviewer was saying should we be all little editors now and he said well it shouldn't have to be that but one thing he said no and then he answered in a yes but he said no it shouldn't be that but what you could do um is is reverse check photos and if you see which i don't know how to do yet but he said if you do that you can check and see if a photo existed five years ago if it existed 18 hours ago it might not

be real because there was like literally a man on Fox News, literally a man, saying, it was crazy, man. I saw this happening over there after Irma. I saw a shark on a highway. No, you didn't. You saw a sharknado. You're telling us you saw a shark. And then he said,

and the woman says, a sharknado. He goes, literally, I saw a sharknado. You didn't, sir. It's a doctored photo. That can't happen. You got it wrong. And that's all the news that's being fed to our president. Exactly.

So we have our dumb boots on the ground, and they find stories and send them to Dan. We don't know what the story is. You, me, Jay, we have no idea. We have no idea. Dan has broken it down, and then we will now get into it. Ready to do one? Let's do one. We got Keegan here.

This was sent in by Matt Armstrong at Velvet R. Presley. That's a painting on a wall, right? Yes, it is. It's gorgeous. It's gotta be. It's gotta be.

He hashtagged Dumb People Town at Danny Van Kirk and sent me this. I will also tell you guys, this story that I'm about to tell you, I've received more,

this one more than any other story that's ever come out. People sent you. I have people texting this story to me. I think you might have sent it to me at one point. Firefighters were called after a woman ended up stuck upside down, hanging out of a window after she got wedged while trying to retrieve her own feces. Okay.

That's where we're at, guys. Keegan's talking about a surprise. That is not what I was expecting to hear. She's upside down, wedged in a window. We're called after a woman ended upside down, stuck upside down, hanging out of a window after she got wedged in that window while trying to retrieve her own feces. Okay. So her feces, right, would have had to been outside the window.

And the rule is you let your feces go. If it comes back to you. It was meant to be. It was meant to be. Don't reach for your own shit. Yeah, I know. No. Never reach for your own shit.

That's what servants are for. And by the way, we all have just accepted the fact that this woman pooped out a window. We didn't even miss a breath. We get that part of it. To me, when the feces is out the window, that could be a phrase. The shit's out the window on this one.

We have to move on. No way to save it. Because when shit hits the fan, it means we have to deal with it. When it's out the window... That's done. We're done with that. We're done. Next thing.

Next topic. I hope there's one great stepdad listening to this podcast who's going to start telling his stepkids, guys, shit's out the window. Shit's out the window. Shit's out the window. Shit's out the window. Dad, can we get... I'm Chuck E. Cheese.

We're not going. If he really wants to get the kids, he should say feces. That'll really creep them out. That'll skeeve them out. Guys, the feces out the window. Tom, hey Tom, please. Please, Tom, stop saying feces. What are you going to do, Deb? Mom.

But here's the other thing. What? This sounds like the kind of woman who must have eaten an engagement ring or a precious stone. Because otherwise, why are we reaching out the window? And I'm imagining that there's a Japanese maple out there in the species. We'll say it's an evergreen tree. Probably because if it's coniferous, it probably doesn't have any leaves.

Or if it's deciduous, it has no leaves. But if it's coniferous, it's stuck in there, she can see it. Because the thing is, okay, we'll just forgive the fact that you pooped out the window. That you defecated out the window. We'll give that to you. That's for free. What are you reaching for? Why are you reaching for it?

Here we go. Liam, a postgraduate studying sociology at Bristol University. This is England. Tells the story. I recently took a girl I met on Tinder to dinner. We had a lovely evening and enjoyed...

That's not what that's for. Yeah, no, that's... We had a lovely evening and enjoyed each other's company very much. You're using Tinder wrong. There should be no evening involved. No dinner.

No eating. It's like any time you see an exterior shot in a porno. You're like, I don't want to know what time of day it is. I don't need geography. Oh, it's a Georgian or a Tudor? Nice.

Glad that you showed me that house. Let's get inside. We had a meal at a well-known chicken restaurant, had a few beers, and then gone back to mine for a bottle of wine and a Scientology documentary. A lot of layers to this.

This guy's going clear. He's trying to read her e-meter about an hour and my date got up and used the toilet she returned with a panicked look in her eye and told me she had something to tell me oh god quote it's a first date tinder date yeah i went for a poo in your toilet she said and it would not flush i don't know why i did this but i panicked i reached into the toilet bowl wrapped the crap and tissue paper and threw it out the window he said the toilet window opened into a narrow gap separated by another window oh yes so she threw it into quote it was into this twilight zone ready this zone. Quote, it was into this Twilight Zone. Ready?

This is what he said. Quote, it was into this Twilight Zone that my date had thrown her poop. I don't know if that's a little grandiose. Into the Twilight Zone. It's simply another. It's just a very, very slender egress. So this girl is on a Tinder date. It seems to be going very well.

They're into wine and Scientology together. Wine-tology. She goes. That's a great podcast. Thank you into wine and scientology together wine-tology she goes that's a great podcast she goes to the bathroom cannot flush her business decides i'm just gonna throw out the window yeah throws it out the window realizes it doesn't go anywhere it just drops to the bottom of the sill because there's another window on the other side right right right so now she says this poor girl is like i can't leave shit in this guy's house literally so she has to go out and tell this guy here's the person i am on the right side yeah look what i did yes if they get married i mean this is a point where you either are like i love you for life or we're done here for her to be able to tell him to tell him yeah that means

something that's significant she's amazing that's an amazing person to say i did i it was going so well right i panicked and all i could see was gray right and all my common sense not red right gray i just saw gray she's a miss guys the shit's out the window you're seeing gray yeah so i mean the thing is you're right that that jace that that's it you're just gonna go you might i think you're the one for me because you can look at a person and go i'm about to tell you something and you're worth more than what it's gonna cost me to give this information the information to you yeah exactly i'm gonna take a hit here that's kind of sharing so i'm kind of on this woman's side of this woman too yes until she

okay he liam went to find a hammer to smash the window a little bit over all right do we have to go that but while he was gone looking for the hammer she went out she decided to climb into the window head first okay okay you ready for the one want him to see the poop. You ready for these next four words? Mm-hmm. Being an amateur gymnast- My daughter's in gymnastics. Your daughter's an amateur gymnast. She's an amateur gymnast.

Yes. I mean, an amateur gymnast. I'm going to go on the record and say your daughter was smaller than this woman, and they should have employed her for this task. Yeah. Where is Georgia? Get over there. Being an amateur gymnast, she was convinced

that she could reach into the window and pull the poop out. She got an 8.0 on the poop graph. She was using the tried and tested inside out bag as a glove. So that's a pro move. You got a dog. That's a good standard classic move. Unfortunately, she couldn't reach. She climbed further

in and had the same problem. Eventually, Liam agreed to give her a boost up into the window further. She climbed further in and had the same problem. Eventually, Liam agreed to give her a boost up into the window further. She climbed in headfirst after, this is a quote, she climbed in headfirst after her own turd reached deeper into the window, bagged it up, and tossed it

out over the top back to him. Wow. So he is teamwork on hers. So again, talk about intimate. Talk about intimate. He's left holding the bag. Literally. Literally. Guys, shit's in the window.

Shit's back in the window. Shit's back in the house. Shit's back in the window. We are going to Chuck E. Cheese. Guys, I don't know what you did. You turned your attitudes around. Shit's back in the house. I'm going to go do some ski balling, and all you guys get extra tickets.

Guys, you guys go up and get caught in the human habit trail. We're going to drink some beer and hang out. These people have known each other at best four hours. At best. And she is upside down in the window

handing him her poop. It is Europe. So they eat dinner for longer. I'm going to give them six. Give them six. I'll give them six hours. Let's say that the

conversation at dinner was stimulating. Again, not what Tinder's for. Right. But yes. Still. Although a lot of Tinder's for. Right, but yes. Still. Although a lot of Tinder dates do probably include,

here, do you have my poop? Take my poop. Do you have my poop? That's very true, Dan. So she's reaching back. You got it? I got it. You got it? I got it.

I got it. I got your poop. I can't hear you. This is a great first date. Yeah. Did you pause the documentary on Scientology? I did. They just got to the sizzling part of Leah Remini's interview.

Her Sea Org days. When she was at Sea Org, moving railroad beams to Billings. And they let the fire ants go all over them. So she hands it back. She called out to me to help her climb out of the window. I grabbed her waist and I pulled, but she was stuck. Are you guys ready for this photo? This is going to be posted on

the Facebook page, which now we have over 11,000 likes. Look at this woman stuck in this window. Upside down. All the blood rushing to her British face. And her hand is on the glass

as if to say, let me out. Like when you go to the zoo and there's like an animal. There's an orangutan? Yeah, just like, I can't. A hand on the glass. Look at that. It's like, if I was out of here, I'd probably rip your face off. No pain, no pain.

So she's in. No gain, no gain. No gain, no gain. No gain, no gain. No pain, no pain. Yeah. Unfortunately, for my date, at this this stage I could see only one way out

of our predicament I love that he thinks we're in it she's been handling shit upside down but we're in it together we're both in it yeah

it's like the guy's like we're having our baby you're not doing shit yeah yeah exactly we're having our baby yeah you're gonna run out and get me some food

it's like when a waiter at a restaurant turns the chair around and sits down and is like so what are we having? What are we having guys? You're eating with us? What are we having? What are you having? Should you order for us?

Make sure you get what you want. We need some refills here? Do we need refills? Are we getting? Unfortunately for my day at this stage I could see only one way out of our predicament. I was starting to grow concerned so I called the fire brigade, and once they had composed themselves, they set to work removing her from the window. So they came in, cracked up.

Had a good laugh. Laughed their asses off. And then they're like, we've got to get down to work. Guys, those guys see such horrific things. They do. Every now and again, you need a good laugh. Of course. She did what?

She did what? She dropped a poo. She dropped a poo right down the shit. Probably you need a good laugh. Of course. She did what? She did what? She grabbed a poo? She dropped a poo right down the shit. Probably wasn't a good idea, was it? That rhetorical, my favourite, the rhetorical English question. She's in the window, isn't it? Probably shouldn't have gotten there. Shouldn't have been so incestuous.

Probably wasn't a good idea to throw the shit up there in the first place, was it? Was it? Was it? We're in a bit of a tight spot, ain't we? It's time for you to Brexit this relationship, mate. Brexit this relationship.

Well, you really like her then, don't you? Not going to soon forget this date. She's a big one, isn't she? I'm talking about the poop. We're all talking about the poop. They set to work, remove her the window. They end up getting her out about the poop. They set to work, remove her window. They end up getting her out of the window.

They had to break the window out of the frame to get her out. But amateur gymnast landed on her feet. Quote, I'm not complaining. They did what they had to do, Liam says. Problem is, I've been quoted north of 300 pounds to replace the window. Liam, this is where dumb people talk. She's been quoted north of 300 pounds. replace the window. Liam, this is where dumb people town. She's been quoted north of 300 pounds. That's why she got stuck in that one.

This is where our people in dumb people town come in. Liam has turned to the internet for help to raise 300 pounds. He's crowdsourcing this? The broken window. Yeah, GoFundMe. He's making an independent film. If by some miracle I manage to raise, this is where he's at. This is where Liam gets his star.

If by some miracle I manage to raise more money than 300 pounds through this Go where Liam gets his star if by some miracle I managed to raise more money than 300 pounds through this GrowFundMe page I'm giving it to IBS any remainder will be split

50-50 between two charities first first toilet twinning a charity building a charity building and maintaining

flushing toilets for the developing world because 60% of the world does not have toilets excellent I love it that's good second to the

firefighters charity, Liam told the Bristol Post that despite the... I like this guy. Yeah, he's going to give half to the firemen in their charity, half to creating toilets around the world. I love both these people. These guys have to stay together. These are two of my favorite people. They have to.

They're stronger together. Well, according to that, Liam told the Bristol Post that despite this state's awkward ending, he did see the woman again. Quote, we did go and meet for a drink and discuss setting up another crowd funder. I don't know what that's for. Quote, she's a lovely girl. I'm not sure what's going to happen.

I'm not sure what's going to happen means it ain't going to happen. It ain't going to happen. That's the first step. Here's the other shoe. I'm really busy right now with my dissertation. That means I'm not going to return any of your phone calls. Oh, God, I love that. I'm not sure.

It's so area. What an erudite way to dump somebody. Yeah. Really busy with my dissertation. You've got a huge dissertation. So sorry. I've got to defend it. Fix up a lot of my time, though, doesn't it? Doesn't it? Doesn't it? It takes a lot. It's going to be hard. got to defend it. Fix up a lot of my time, though, doesn't ask for it. Doesn't it?

Doesn't it? It takes lots of... Gotta defend it, right? Big, really, really large document, isn't it? Doesn't it? Gotta really get in there and figure out the document. But then he kind of comes back around with a little, you know, he hits the little glove and then a little flower on the end.

He goes, I'm not sure it's going to happen. I'm really busy with my dissertation at the moment, but I'd certainly be open to seeing her again. Well, that's nice. I think he means on the street. I saw her. Waving with the hand that she put poop in. And he does not break stride.

Dissertation! I told you that was a good sign. But you're drinking in a bar right now. Right, right. Working things out in me head. We're going to get out of here on this. As of the time that I Not from moving the pulse around. Working things out in me head. All right. We're going to get out of here on this.

As of the time that I wrote up this story and put it all together, how much money has his GoFundMe raised in U.S. dollars? U.S. dollars. In U.S. dollars. Now, Keegan, you are our guest. So you have the option to go first, last, or second, which is the Tig Notaro slot. Right in between me and Jason.

So we all guess. The three of us guess. So you want to go first? I'm grabbing the Tig which is the Tig Notaro slot. Right in between me and Jason. So we all guess. The three of us guess. So you want to go first? I'm grabbing the Tig. Okay, you're in the middle. I'll take the Tig. So in U.S. dollars, I think he has raised $250. $250, which would not even be enough, I don't think. No, it's certainly not enough. Go ahead, Jay. No, no, second is

Keegan. I'm going to go in United States dollars. Yes. I'm going to say he made $1,250 US dollars okay I think that it's yes

too big of a score I'm going to go higher because I think this story has caught on and so many people emailed it to you and said I think $2,000

$2,000 as of the time that I wrote this and the time that we are recording as far as I know it's going to be way higher in US dollars Liam

and Poop Girl, they left her name out of the story on purpose. Thank God. Thank God. $3,697.38. Wow. $3,697. I think everybody who donated to this thing

should also be confronted with donating to, they should also have to donate to the flood. They should also have to donate to the twinning toilets. Twinning toilets and also like Houston and like, you're giving money to.

I love it. All right, that's the first story down in the books. Keegan-Michael Key is with us. This is Dumb People Town. That's how we do it.

We'll be back right after this. Stick around, make a sound, there's more Dumb People Town. We got Keegan-Michael Key. If you haven't seen his show on Netflix, it's fantastic. That's from college.

Oh, so good. Oh, so much fun. So good. Fred Savage. How about Fred Savage? In a cast. Nat Faxon. Kobe Smulders is so good in that.

And it's funny, but it's really deep. Yeah. And dark. And dark. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just you're in the beginning. You're going back. You're an author there.

You've wrote. You wrote. I have a friend who's an author, so I know exactly the entire landscape. The second that Fred Savage, who's your old friend, who's your agent, tries to push a great book idea that you have into the young adult area. Right, right, right, right. Because I know from my friend that that's the only area in publishing

that is growing right now. Everything else is diminishing. Everything else is dying. Everything else is diminishing. But how quickly you go back on your ideals is just hysterical. I mean, it's so funny. Yeah, it's great.

Everybody should be watching this. It's so great. Everybody should be. And it's so great everybody should and you've been in New York you've been doing a show I just closed like last week I just closed

we were doing a production of Hamlet at the Public Theater downtown on Lafayette Street where you know Joe Papp and Shakespeare in the Park

in New York was created by this guy Joe Papp who started the Public Theater so I played Horatio in a production of Hamlet to Oscar Isaac Horatio Sands yeah with Oscarlet to uh oscar isaac i played horatio

sands yeah with oscar isaac oscar isaac played a hamlet um love him yeah he's fucking amazing how fun was it no i swear instead of saying i put on weight to play horatio sands he said that's me swearing's one thing but to say that's me um and by the way horatio looks very svelte these days he does look good so uh but um um so it it was great. It was just an amazing experience. And it felt like going home. It felt like going home because I'm a theater person. I'm a Shakespearean actor and I haven't been able to do it. I've been on this very interesting 19-year detour in my career to sketch comedy.

A lot of good that did. Didn't really pan out. Didn't really pan out. I've got to make that big money in the theater. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, when's it going to happen for you? I know. But we, so yeah, so I did that. And then in the midst of that, in the midst. That's right, man. Yeah, when's it gonna happen for you, man? But we, so yeah,

so I did that and then in the midst of that, in the midst of that run, I got a call from my agents and they said, you know, we think we're about to get an offer for you

to do a play on Broadway with Amy Schumer, a play written by Steve Martin. No way. So I was like, oh, well, when that offer comes in,

just say yes. Just agree. You don't need to call me back I just yeah let's just go in that direction yeah so so I am so Amy and uh Amy and I and um two other amazing actors I know you uh Alan Tudyk yeah Alan Tudyk is so sweet Laura Benanti who's just like a a a Broadway rock star right so it's it's a four-hander it's just the four of us and and Steve Martin wrote it. Wow. And Jerry Zaks,

who just directed this huge hit, Hello Dolly, with Bette Midler, he's directing it. I don't know Hello Dolly. I've never heard that name ever. You don't know that one? It's a really short show.

Or Bette Midler. You walk on the stage, this woman walks past, Hello Dolly! And that's it. And that's it. It's the whole show. I can't believe they charge $140.

$140 a ticket for that. For bad seats. That's like a Roe J. in the mezzanine. What? What? So wait, so what's the name of the play? It's called Meteor's the whole show. I can't believe they charge $140. $140 a ticket for that. For bad seats. That's like a Roe J. and the Mezzanine. What? What? So wait, so what's the name of the play? It's called Meteor Shower. Great.

Meteor Shower. I'm going to check it out. Phenomenal. I'm so happy for you, but this is all while other big things come through as well. Yeah. And it's been nice that I can do this kind of concentrated amount of theater in this time because then we have to run back and do a feature film and hopefully in in february and then and then back to not not to not to back two friends from college oh yeah in in may we got our second oh hell yeah man i love it let's jump

into another story because we got over there i want to tell you your guys is running fargo oh thank you oh my god that was a lot of unreal let's show That show was unreal. Okay, here we go. Sent in by Nat Graham. Nat Graham. The Nat Faxon of senders. At Nat, not Nat. N-A-T-N-O-T-G-N-A-T. I like it. I like it.

I love it. I like it. Milly Wacay. Milly Wacay. I've heard of it. Yes. This is Anson. Wisconsin man who doctors say came perilously close to death after accidentally shooting a nail into his heart while working on his house,

calmly drove himself to the hospital and even parked his pickup truck in the lot before walking into the emergency room. Okay, when I had a kidney stone and my kids were young and I literally was doubled over in pain, I drove myself from Silver Lake to the Glendale Hospital, which is about a mile and a half. Yep. And like parked the car and all that stuff. And as I got in there,

everybody in there was like, that is the dumbest thing you could ever do. Why didn't you call an ambulance? This guy had a nail in his fucking heart. Oh, wait till you meet more of this guy. He has patience for nothing. Nothing fazes this guy. Doug has patience for nothing. Nothing faces this guy. Doug Bergeson.

How you doing? I already know him. How you doing? Doug Bergeson. Good to meet you. Wisconsin or Minnesota? Wisconsin. Wisconsin.

Bergeson. That's a really tight grip. I just want to shake your hand. Well, Doug, I'll shake it if I don't mean it. Don't stick it out there if you don't want to. I don't give a...

My dad taught me never give a man a mean it. Don't stick it out there. I don't give a... My dad taught me never give a man a dead fish. Don't stick it out there if you don't want to crush it. Don't offer a guy a dead fish. Anyway, reason I'm knocking. See how much you wanted for that mailbox out front. Well, no, that's a mailbox. We're not selling our mailbox. It's my mailbox.

I need that, sir. Looks good to me, though. I'm sure if you went to the nearest Lowe's, you could get a mailbox that looks just like it. I'm going to go down there and build myself and put it in. I like what you guys did. Yeah, but my pinky right now is bent in a way that I can't. That sounds like a YP, not an MP. Here we go.

Doug Bergeson is ready to get back to work. God damn it. I put in the God damn it. God damn it. This week, after surviving a June 25th ordeal that others might not have taken in such stride, Bergeson told the Associated Press he was working on framing in a fireplace at his house near Peshtigo in northeast Wisconsin. Oh, not Peshtigo. I know.

Oh, man. And you know he told everyone that he was framing the fireplace that weekend? Absolutely. Of course he did. Gonna go frame that fireplace this week. All right, gotta get going. Fireplace ain't gonna frame us all. We know that that's what you're doing.

When his nail gun accidentally fired, sending a nail ricocheting off some wood and into his chest. Which means it was like... What the hell's out there? What's going on there? That's in the old ticker. That's not good.

That's in the ticker. Nope. Nope. Bethel! Bethel! We gotta go. No. No, it's not the dog.

It's me. I got a nail in my... She's fine. I got a nail in my heart. He's like a big squeeze thing. This is what he says. Another nail for my heart. I thought it just nicked me.

I looked down. I couldn't see anything. Bergeson said in an interview Tuesday, I felt okay. I wasn't worried about the injury. I couldn't feel any pressure or blood building up. As he tugged. How would you know that? I don't know.

This guy's a renaissance man. He can frame. Yes. Frame a fireplace and do internal medicine. And have a cardiologist. I thought about pulling it out and putting a leech on it and finishing up that goddamn fireplace. As he tugged at his sweatshirt. You're not going in laparoscopically and just taking this nail out.

Exactly. As he tugged. I lost it really quick. Sorry about that. As he tugged at his sweatshirt, Bergeson, 52 years old, said he realized only about one inch of the three and a half inch nail was sticking out of his chest. Oh! Yeah. I am now going to show you guys a picture.

Of Doug Bergeson. Of Doug Bergeson laying on a hospital bed. Oh! Yeah. I am now going to show you guys a picture. Of Doug Bergeson. Of Doug Bergeson laying on a hospital bed. Oh! Hello, Doug. 52. It's like, if like Doug. Don't pick your ass. I'll tell you this.

If you were to unwrap a mummy and Doug Bergeson's face was there, you'd be like, yeah, that guy's been around for a thousand years. That guy's about 2,800 years old. That's about the rate of desiccation. He's way too calm. Listen to his next quote. I could see the nail moving with my heartbeat. It was kind of twitching with every heartbeat.

And he still was like, I guess I gotta stop. He was more annoyed than worried. He knew he had to go to the ER. Unbelievable. He's like, god damn it. I just want to finish this fireplace. You know if you call an ambulance, the ER comes to you. They can start doing things to you as you're heading to the hospital. You know that when you went and told Bethel, even with the nail right here below the nipple,

he still crossed his arms in front of his chest. Into the nail. Yeah. Into the nail. Driving it in. Well, I guess I got to go. Okay, light's not going to get any greener. These sons of bitches.

He's waiting for the light. I was frustrated because I knew I wasn't going to get home until late, and I couldn't get anything done. That is a quote. This nail in his heart is really putting a damper on framing this. Well, it's got errands to run. Yeah, it's got lots of stuff to do. He also said that common sense told him not to pull the nail out.

Yeah. It was common sense. Not primal. No. Not a primal survival urge. And also common sense showed up about an hour too late.

After common sense said don't aim a nail gun at like a heart. Make a shit off the wood. It's not his fault. I know, but still. Still, be careful. He says, so he washed up,

hopped in his washed up yeah he was like i guess i'll take a shower i got blood all over me can't go to the er with dirty hands he washed up hopped in his truck and made his way to the bay area medical center and marionette about 10 miles or 10 minutes away probably was 10 miles there's no traffic up there after parking his truck and walking into the er bergeson said he started to feel more pain and summoned a security guard for help. I ain't going to no goddamn nurse. I'll tell you that.

Don't trust those doctors. I'll tell a man with a gun that I need help, boy. That guy knows where to take me. That guy knows which way to go. Hey, maybe he can shoot it out. This is what he said. Quote. This is what he told the guard.

If you could find someone, that'd be great. I'm going to go sit down. That is a direct quote. Amazing. if you could find someone that'd be great i'm gonna go sit down amazing still thinking he would soon be on his way home can we wrap it up yeah you can see him laying on the bed there yeah after a little medical attention bergason texted his wife donna perfect donna donna donna look at this why does he text her not to say how he's doing. Not to say, oh, you were right. I should have gone.

None of that. Texted Donna to, quote, bring him a new shirt because medical staff had cut off the one he was wearing. You know my favorite shirt? They done screwed it up. The security guard. Number two. I got to get number two. I couldn't have just unbuttoned it.

I moved my arm for him. But they said, no, no, we got to get in there quick. Cut it out. I said, don't cut it. It took longer to cut it than it did to unbuttoned it. I moved my arm for him. But they said, no, no, we gotta get in there quick. Cut it out. I said, don't cut it. It took longer to cut it than it did to unbutton it. I think when they were like, sir, we need to cut this off, he was like, why? Why? I could just take it off. I put it on when the nail was in there. I was working short.

That's why you got two full inches inside my chest. Just let me do it. Listen to this. After x-rays were taken, did you imagine the nurses being like sir you need to take this more seriously after x-rays are taken doug bergson was rushed by ambulance to another hospital in green bay do you ready for this part so they tell him we're putting you in another ambulance you were being transported to the green Bay Hospital. This is serious. Quote, I offered to drive myself, but they wouldn't let me.

I'll drive the ambulance. You sitting back. You deal with what you got to deal with. I know how to get to Green Bay. Organize your gauze and your swabs. I'm going to tell you guys something I already can tell you from this story about Doug Bergeson. He eats the bones. Yes, he does.

The marrow, the bones, the gristle, the whole nine yards. He's not leaving anything on that plate. I can't believe this plate is clean. That was a full chicken that you had right there. I ate the plate. Dr. Alexander Roystein confirmed the nail hit Bergeson's heart, saying it was a sixteenth of an inch from a major artery. He said it was difficult to assess how deeply the nail penetrated,

but the nail left bruising and a nail-sized hole. That checks out. He commended Bergeson for not pulling the nail out and, but the nail left bruising in a nail-sized hole. That checks out. He commended Bergeson for not pulling the nail out and letting doctors handle it. It shows the great composure this gentleman had after a very bad day's experience. Bergeson

spent two days in the hospital, which you know he bitched about. Hated every minute of it. But by the way, surviving a nail in the heart, this guy had a lot of confidence before this happened. Now he's right about everything. He's untouchable. Nobody frames a fireplace by themselves.

I bet they walked into his hospital room. He was framing a fireplace right there. You don't work somewhere, goddammit. I put some shells up here for you. He spent two days in the hospital and has been recovering at his home since the incident. He will finally be able to return to work. If they're citing that, it's because it's all he keeps saying. This week at the village of Lena Waterworks Plant.

I wish it was a water park. He also has a vegetable farm and a construction repair business. This is him telling- Construction repair? Yeah. I'll come in and do the work, right? I'll come in and repair all the stuff that you- Okay. All the things you did wrong, I'll fix it.

Are you mad with your awning? Bring me in. I'll fix it. The soffit leaking? The soffit. I'm in. I go straight to the heart of the problem. He said, quote, I'll definitely nail the heart of your problem.

Let him have it. Guarantee he will take it. Keegan, you got it. He will take it. I feel pretty good. She says, quote, I'm back doing things carefully, he said. It was a pretty awakening experience. He's woke as fuck.

There we go. He is woke. He's straight woke. He's straight woke. Straight woke. All right. We got one more little story coming back after the break. Keegan-Michael Key is with us, and this is Dumb People Town.

Stay with us. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Stay with us. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. All right, guys. Welcome back to DPT, Dumb People Town. I want to quickly mention, hey, tickets on sale right now. Bell House, February 25th.

We got the girls from Guys We Fuck. They're going to be on our podcast. We sell that out. Going to get another guest in New York. Who knows? Maybe it'll be Keegan-Michael Key live. You never know. You never know.

You never know. You never know. Because he might be in New York City then. But check that out. Give it to him. And it's going to be a Sunday night. So he would have done a matinee. Right.

Exactly. Of the Steve Martin show and then boom that night. You never know. And before that, the 17th and 18th of November, people can check out a live Dumb People Town at the Come and Take It Comedy Festival in Houston. Yes, Houston. You want to give back to that community? Come back.

Come support it. Get in the infrastructure. Spend some money on cocktails or even spend some money on water. I don't care what you do. Whatever you do. But you can give back to that community that way by coming and come to that festival. So that's the Come and Take It Festival. All right.

We got one more story. Yes. All right. Here we go this was sent in by john christianson at i'm not even gonna try p-r-a-e-f-u-r-o pray for a hero pray for us that's smarter than me our lady of professional sorrow oh perfect that works for this story a couple trans i'm going to read it to you. A couple transporting a barbecue grill in their car were injured Sunday after their rental sport utility vehicle exploded. Okay. Okay.

Authorities say the crash happened at 3.30 p.m. near the entrance of the Central Florida Fairgrounds. This is the state fair. What is at a state fair in Florida? They're selling babies on the black market. Am I right? Yes. Baby. I got me a baby right here.

You want a baby? A pig in overalls. Each baby you get comes with two guns. And a giant turkey leg. Absolutely. They have like a dolphin pie bake off. Elephant ears. And they're literally elephant ears.

They have a shoot off on the hour. Just wherever you're at. Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop. A have a shoot-off on the hour. You just, wherever you're at, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop. Little fair pop. Little fair pop. Two live crew just playing. Yeah, for sure. ZZ Top like frosted Coke. Jump around.

Jump around. House of Payne. House of Payne's there. This took place at the Central Florida Fairgrounds near Colonial Drive and Pete Parish Boulevard. We can add that to the Dumb People Town walking tour. Add it to the walking tour. The couple, I love these names, Pierre Dadiel and Magdalene

DeSource. Went straight to DeSource on that one. Quebecois. I can't believe she got into a fight on the Source Awards. With Snoop at the Source Awards. They had the grill in the

back of their red Kia Sorento, Orlando Police Lieutenant Cindy Lane said. Well, a grill isn't just going to blow up. No. The grill was turned on and the propane tank was open and connected. Police said the wife then started to light a cigarette in the SUV. Yes. I don't understand. She's like, let me light up here.

I just wanted to say why we're grilling on the way. I'm just going to toss this butt back in the cab. Oops. To the back of the cab if you don't mind. I'm cutting back on my cigarettes. She's driving. He's cooking butterfly pork chops on the grill. Honey, we're going to sell these as soon

as we get there. Right out the back of the Kia. I spatchcocked the grill. Honey, we're going to sell these as soon as we get there. Right out the back of the Kia. I spatchcocked the chicken. She started to like a cigarette. Do you think he was like duh? Honey! No, he's probably going, where's my Winston's? That was when the SUV exploded.

Yeah. So they got to the state fair really quickly. Here's my favorite thing. The vehicle continued heading west and then crashed into a pool. I'm going to show you guys a picture. This car exploded. Then imagine you're driving and this happens next to you. Look at this SUV. The roof is blown off.

Right, right. It is blown upward like it's a camper van with a tent on top. That SUV looks like it has a faux hawk. Yes, totally. Or it's a shark. And it smells delicious. Oh, absolutely. Delicious, like just pork cracklings.

Yeah, the grill marks on the top of the roof. Oh, my God. Both occupants were burned, but police said their injuries were not life-threatening. That's how we can make jokes about it. Thank you. Right, right, right, right, right. They're going to live to make stupid mistakes again. Yeah, this is not a social Darwinism issue.

The vehicle was severely damaged. The photo that we saw shows the roof partially blown off, the windshield missing, and dense. The windshield went straight up. Gone. Just gone. Yes. Straight off. Jesus.

The explosion caused damage to another vehicle that was driving alongside. Look at that. I like Kias. Honey, look over at this Kia. Oh, my God. Oh, no. You know what? I'll say maroons are a good color.

We've already got a maroon color. Oh, my. Here's where you get into W-Town. Pierre. Daladale. Had an active warrant for his arrest on fleeing an eluding charge. No way. A little help.

What's your name? What's your name first, my man? You tell me who you are. We'll tell you how much help we're going to give you. We got a new house for you and everything. Yeah, I got a ride for you. I got a ride, new accommodations, everything. He was arrested Sunday and was being held without bail in the Orange County Jail on Monday. On that charge and the charge of resisting arrest without violence,

which means he got on fire, found out the cops are there, and tried to run. Tried to run. And tried to run. Right, exactly. All right, we're going to get out of here. This is where we're going to end the show. I'm going to ask you guys right now, how old is Pierre Dardel? Too much fun leaves marks in life.

Living hard, you'll pay the price. Who is going to get it right? Guess the age. Guess the age. All right, now he's driving. He's going to the fairgrounds on a Saturday afternoon. He's got priors. He's got a woman and a grill cooking in a rented Kia Sportage. A Kia. A rented Kia Sportage.

Yes. Can I go third on this one? Yeah, you can. Of course you can. All right, I'm going to say the guy's 36 years old. 36 years old from Jason Sklar. I'm going to say the guy's 36 years old. 36 years old from Jason Sklar. I'm going to say the guy's 44. 44! He's lived a life.

He's got some priors. I'm flipping Jason's. Yeah. I'm going the guy's 63. Oh! I like that. I love it. Pierre Dardale. And if you're listening at home, feel free to play along. Is 39 years old.

39! I thought you were going to split the difference, Keegan. I was like, he's going to hit the... I had to go with my gut, and my gut initially said, he's really, really what got me. Randy said he lived a life. When he said he's lived a life, I went, yes, he has.

But he could at 39 have lived, like, two lives. That's true. If you're that kind of guy. You think about what we did when we were 39. Like this guy led two of those lives. Speaking of living a life, and before we really get out of here, speaking of living a life, it is those mistakes that you make and you've got, you're broken the law and then you make a stupid mistake like that to either just being with a woman who's smoking while you got a grill turned on in the back.

Sure. That is going to catch you. Someone who has made his fair share of mistakes but never gets caught, Robert Durst, has something to say about this, and he left us a voicemail. Let's listen to it right now. You have one new voice message. Hi, Sklar brothers. It's me, Robert Durst.

Call me Bobby D. Call, and I'm in town for like a citation court thing. It's not a big deal. If it was a big deal, am I the guy who's responsible? Would a guy wear a sweater like I wear if he were responsible? I don't think so. Anyway, calling you guys. I know you lived in New York. Would you help me find Douglas? He's my brother, and I just want to reconnect. Side note, I sell knives. I have a collection of knives that I'm trying to unload. They come dull because the sharpening process makes you love it.

I say, sharpen your knife, happy wife. It's irrelevant. All right, I gotta go. Let me know if you talk to Douglas. And if you ever need a friend, tell me. I'll follow you anywhere. Bye-bye. Happy wife.

Why would you say wife? The wife part. They're gonna latch onto that what'd you do you sharpened a knife then you stabbed her shouldn't even don't even bring up wife no no

wife's fine oh shit oh okay so he didn't know once again didn't realize that he was no I don't know It's interesting

He was taping it himself Right He recorded it So he should know He should know When he's hanging up I feel like he probably Doesn't know how to edit

No, I don't think Or I think Yes, in both In a professional pursuit Or life Yeah Keegan-Michael Key

You are the man I'm so happy you came And did this with us Thank you for being with us Sklars Love it Thank you guys Open invite, baby Open invite I'll see you the man. I'm so happy you came and did this with us. Thank you for being with us. Sklars. Love it. Thank you, guys. Open invite, baby.

Open invite. I'll see you in New York. I'm going to race over from that matinee. I'm telling you, either way, if we are back in New York for anything, we're going to come find you and have drinks with you and hang out. I think it's a great idea. Come see us. Check out Friends from College on Netflix.

Watch that whole first season. Get you prepped for the next one that's going to be. See him on Broadway. It's four fun-filled hours of your life. That's it. It is. Four fun-filled hours. You will love that show.

And, guys, thank you. We got to get back to work. Let's get to work. All right. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb.

Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum.