Dumb People Town - Keith & Chemda - Looks Like I'm Going To Jail

Episode Date: May 11, 2018

The Sklars and Dan Van Kirk are joined by Keith Malley and Chemda Khalili (My Opening Line, Keith and the Girl) for a DPT minisode! In this week’s story, a former USPS carrier is charged with failing to deliver thousands of pieces of mail.

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast jam With co-host Armand Dan And jerk, don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits the funny hits We are gonna take you down Stick around, make a sound, punk it down It's Dumb People Town Hey townies, welcome to a mini episode of

Dumb People Town Population you Population Keith and the girl. You guys. Hey. Welcome to Dumb People Town.

Thank you. It should be insulting but I feel very smart this morning. No, we sit in judgment of the Dumb People. No, we sit on Dumb People.

Although, I will say this. We celebrate Dumb People. Sometimes. Your wonderful podcast, Keith and the Girl, you guys have a new podcast called Your Opening Line. My Opening Line.

About comedians' first time on stage. As comedians, we are obsessed with that. That sounds amazing. Can't wait to listen to it. We do have one pitch for perhaps a change in title for your podcast. Yes. For which one? For Keith and the Girl. Okay. I've been waiting for this. I'm sure you. For which one? For Keith and the Girl.

Okay. I've been waiting for this. I'm sure you've heard this before. Chemda and the Boy. Whoa! Right? I'm sure you've heard that before. Dumb.

People. Town. I feel like you could be that. It's a great podcast. Just a thought. Just a thought. You know what? We're 13 years in.

I think at 15 years, we'll switch it up. Switch it up. See if people get mad and they will not get mad. Will they get mad? You have loyal listeners. You have people who just love you guys. I think the people with the tattoos might get a little peeved. Hey, get in one on the other arm. Tattoos aren't permanent.

For your guys' new show, is it literally somebody's very first time on stage? Like when they went up at that open mic in D.C. or whatever? Yeah, for example Gilbert Gottfried talking about being 14. Okay, it is your first, not like your first headline or your first, when you thought you first had a bit, it was your literally first step. Yeah, and what's fun is that we do interview stand-ups, but we also interviewed someone who went from porn to stand-up. So we got her first time stripping, her first time doing porn, and her first time doing stand-up.

We reenacted her sex scene. Wait a minute. She got the biggest laugh stripping, her first time doing porn, and her first time doing stand-up. We reenacted her sex scene. Wait a minute. She got the biggest laugh stripping. What? Hang on a second. Wait a minute. The most demeaning thing was doing stand-up. Hold on a minute.

What am I doing here? Well, it sounds awesome, and you guys are awesome, and I'm so happy that you're here with us because I feel like you're perfectly suited for what we are about to do, which is commenting on dumb people doing dumb things and trying to understand why we feel like there is a movement towards dumb in this world. I don't know why. The needle is moving that way, and we've got to beat back the dumb tidal wave. And try to swing the pendulum with smart comedy. Dan, how are you?

Hi, Dan. I'm good. Oh, Dan's here. We already talked. Oh, I saw you talk. Dan Van Kirk I'm good. Oh, Dan's here. We already talked. Dan Van Kirk is here. He gets the stories. We don't know the story. We haven't seen the stories.

You haven't seen the stories. No. So let's get into one story and make it beautiful. All right, here we go. Yes. This was sent in by Elizabeth Haggerty.

At Liz Haggerty. H-A-G-E-R-T-Y. Wasn't she in Airplane? That was Julie Haggerty. Thanks. LaPG-E-R-T-Y. Wasn't she in Airplane? That was Julie Hagerty. Thanks. Laporte, Indiana. I know this one. You know it?

Yeah, you do. No, it's a damn it, Keith. God damn it. Let's do it. Let's do it together. We get all our Laporte news every morning. You guys follow the scanner on Twitter. You get the Laporte report?

Yeah. You have to get it early out here in LA. You guys are teleported there? No, at Sklar Brothers. You should see the shame in their faces as they tell us to. I have no shame. At Sklar Brothers send all hate towards us. I don't know how this fights anything back.

I'm not going to lie. A former United States Postal Service carrier from here. That's how they wrote it. A former United States Postal Service carrier from here. Okay. From LaPorte. That's how they wrote it. A former United States Postal Service carrier from here. So they're admitting with that statement that nobody outside of LaPorte is going to read this article. From here. Except for these two.

From here. Has been charged with failing to deliver thousands of pieces of mail. True. Yikes. Yes of mail. True. Yikes. Yes. Fact. Christopher? You think your mail carrier is going to just not deliver your mail?

No, dumb people, Tom. I don't. You don't? You don't trust them? There's always the guy who's like, you know, opens up all your grandma's letters, takes the five bucks, and then just like, yes. Have you ever opened something up and it's not been there?

You know what? I've opened up other people's mail and I'm like, you know what? Allegedly. You just admit it to a lot. But by accident, you know, it's in your thing, you open it and I'm like, they'll get another one

of these. Oh, I do the right thing. When I get someone else's I'll get another one of these Oh I do the right thing When I get someone else's mail I just throw it away I do the right thing That's the right thing? Rip it up What? I don't know

Just to hunt them down You give a holler out Do you want this? No answer I'm in my kitchen And you're not here Trash Christopher Block

Yep K Block KB KB Christopher with a K? Already Christ is not here, what are we going to do? He doesn't want religion in his name Goodness gracious

Of LaPorte was charged Tuesday in LaPorte Circuit Court Yeah buddy At Daniel VanCurk No that's the way it's written At LaPorte Report The report from LaPorte about their circuit court This is the worst Dr. Seuss The Matt LaPorte report. The report from LaPorte about their circuit court. This is the worst Dr. Seuss story ever.

With official misconduct, a felony, and misdemeanor theft. County Sheriff's Office in February of 2017 discovered more than half of the undelivered mail in a ravine in a wooded area off Wilson Road outside New Buffalo, Michigan. You wouldn't burn that? Thank you. He chose to abort in La Porte. That's what the report from the court said. I think we can add more. Dan, I'm just trying to be a good sport about it.

Don't be short with Jason. Let's build a fort and tell the rest of the story. Oh, what a good retort. Okay. All right, where's Mort? He should be there. Tort, roared, sort, roared, lord, gored, mort, north.

I want north. No, you're right. It should be Hemden the boy. It should be Chemda and the boy. All right. We're changing it slowly and subtly. All right. So. They find it in a recording.

Find a bunch of mail in a ravine. Yes. Yes. They find it in New Buffalo, Michigan. So now we've crossed state lines. Okay. Do you coordinate off with like police tape? Almost like it's a body.

Depends on how much there is. There's an outline to the mail. Maybe somebody tried to mail a body, and it's down there. All right, I take my sword of courage, and I open all the mail. Yes. He didn't want a sword. He didn't want a sword. He didn't want a sword.

It was later determined the frozen bundles of mail originated from the U.S. Post Office branch in La Porte. From the first part of the story. Exactly. According to court documents, La Porte Postmaster. That's still cool that that's a title. That is almost like, I feel like, Postmaster and Harbormaster. Like the guy or the woman

who runs the harbor. You come in, you stay out there. That has a lot of power. I feel like the Postmaster, when he puts in his name at Cheesecake Factory, says postmaster. Postmaster general. Every harbormaster who is a man has sexually harassed a woman. I think I don't have—

He just got drunk on that power and said, I can do whatever I want. You saw season two of The Wire, and you were like, I get what they're all about. You're absolutely right. Everybody retweet. Postmaster Flash. Okay. Jason retweet. Postmaster Flash. Okay. Jason. Hang your head.

Sorry. I'm walking away. I'm walking away. All right. So they find it in New Buffalo, Michigan. Right. Frozen bundles of mail originated from the port.

According to court documents, the port Postmaster Phillip were determined block was the carrier assigned to deliver each of the discarded pieces. This is an easy crime to, like, figure out. He's so surprised. He's like, how did they catch me?

Other people's names were on the envelope. I know. And the addresses were located where the places I'm supposed to deliver. All these people took their mail and threw it in New Buffalo, Michigan. It's a new tea party thing. Initially, Block denied the allegations, but when he was shown 150 pieces of the recovered mail,

he stated, this is my favorite quote, Alright, I did it. Looks like I'm going to jail. Is that the most resigned person ever? There were five letters still hanging out of his belt. And a trail of letters to his foot. Right, and a whole bunch of letters

stacked behind him in his house. I don't know what you're talking about. Then I guess I won't be keeping these. We think that all of this mail from your route that was thrown in a river in Michigan is your problem. I didn't do it. We have 150 pieces here.

Looks like I'm going to jail. He's almost resigned. I wonder if he was like, guys, thanks. This is a weight off of my shoulders. I was looking for this. Also, looks like I'm going to jail. Looks like going to jail is like

when someone reaches for their wallet at dinner and you're waiting for someone to be like, no, no, no, we got it. He wanted that to be, looks like I'm going to jail. No, no, no, it's not that bad. You're not going to jail. Put the cuffs on me now.

No, no, no, no, we just fine you, that's all. You know what's sad about this is like, there's one of the few jobs that if you don't do your job for a couple days, you go to jail. Like, you didn't get grandma's letter or the Time Warner bill, this guy's going to jail Can you imagine him in jail What are you in for

I didn't deliver I took envelopes and I put them in the river And then people found me You're hardcore By envelopes you mean bodies No Like hallmark greeting cards I ate my neighbor's dog Oh great No, no, no. Like Hallmark greeting cards.

I ate my neighbor's dog. Oh, great. You know that Bed Bath & Beyond coupon you never got? Here I am. 20% off? The one you were going to throw away anyway? You know, it doesn't expire, so don't do that. That's true. And you can come in within a year of your purchase and use the coupon after your purchase if you have the receipt.

Did you guys know that? Come back and get that money off that purchase? That's how much Bed Bath & Beyond needs you to be there. I know. They are begging you. That is what a needy ex-girlfriend they are. They go Bed Bath above and beyond. Okay.

I'm not even. What happens when some prisoners realize that he, you know, discarded their pardons? That's going to be trouble. He also might be the guy in jail where they're like, can you get rid of this for me? He's like, 100%. I need you to make something disappear. Dude, I've been hiding stuff from the feds forever.

Never been caught. Only caught once. Only caught once. That's what I do. He probably saved someone some kind of grief. Somebody didn't get a divorce because the letter didn't get there. People argued with Bill. Bill Collectors were like, you don't understand. I didn't.

Okay. Sure you did. What did the mailman throw it in a ravine? Is that what happened? In Michigan. In LaPorte. From LaPorte to New Buffalo. Look, I have the news article.

It says it happened right here. Where's here, sir? We don't know what here is. I'm not where here is for you. I'm at a call center in Wilmette. Brock also told investigators the first time he gave up mail to be destroyed, he was far behind delivering his route

in a timely manner. It just became like a I got too much on timely manner. It became like a, I got too much on my plate. We've all been there at work. It was also reported that he tried to sort through the mail and only deliver the important stuff. How would you know? What if somebody was like, I'm writing this to tell you I am

your dad. This guy treated the mail like it was an Ikea bookshelf. Just use the pieces that you can get in there. And the rest of them, just put in a bag and throw it behind the dryer. But what's funny is he's like, oh, I delivered the mail. That was important. I'm like, you took the time.

I don't take the time to sort through my mail. That's why you're not finishing your route, bro. Right. You're figuring out which one's from my grandma and which one's from Bed, Bath & Beyond. Can you just picture him pulled over to the side of the road just like going through. Nope. Nope. Yeah.

That will keep. That doesn't even say final notice. Get rid of that one. He opens it. Let's see if this is important. Oh, it was. Oh, shit. Let's see if this one.

Oh, shit. Oh, no. Throw it down the ravine. Block then reportedly told police he paid a friend $50 per bundle to burn it in Michigan. Now, first of all,

how well is the post office paying? Remember, guys, they said thousands were found, thousands of pieces of mail. He's paying $50 per bundle. How many are in a bundle? I think his friend didn't take the job, it seemed like. So you just put people's information out there. Whoa, whoa, whoa, How many are in a bundle? I think his friend didn't take the job, it seemed like. Then took the money. So you just put people's information out there.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I paid a guy. That guy doesn't do his job. I don't know. That's on that guy. He just snitched, is what I heard. I said burn it. I said burn it to the ground. Why did that guy do that?

Here's the next line. But instead of burning the mail, his friend apparently froze and disposed of the pieces at the Michigan ravine. That's the opposite. He froze. He froze. Dan, Dan, Dan. He froze as in like, I'm stuck. I can't do this.

Or he literally froze the mail and disposed of it in the ravine. You know how different that is? Way more involved than lighting a match. Also, can I say this is what I thought of? lighting a match. Also, can I say this is what I thought of? This type of deal where you've paid someone to do one criminal thing for you, and then they decide that they're going to do it a different way

is essentially a plot point in every Coen Brothers movie. Yeah. Simple plan. I've always said you could sum up every Coen Brothers movie with one line. That's not what we agreed to. That happens in every Coen Brothers. So he's like, but that's not what we agreed to.

This guy was like, I'm not going to burn all this. It'll cause smoke. They'll see me and my family asks what I'm burning. I'm just going to freeze it and throw it in the ravine. No one's going to find out. I'm in Michigan. So someone was supposed to do their job, but decided not to. Right. That's the ultimate irony. And that's what came back

to hurt him. Now how does it feel, you douchebag? He's also offended. You blockhead. He's like, I'd like to charge my friend. That's not what I'm paying you for. You know how many people have inboxes that have like 250 in there and they're like, what if I pay someone $50 just to hit delete every 50? Let me ask you guys in this room.

How many unread messages are on your mail app on your phone right now? So many that you would think I'm a hoarder. Really? Thousands. Thousands? I have one. I have 951. I have 16, and those are things that I need to do.

I have one, and I can't find where it is to delete it. Oh, I can help you do it. I can help you do that. I've looked everything. Dan just got a heart on. What is happening? I don't mean to. I like them by unread.

I mean, my pants are off. I tried. It's not, it doesn't come up. No, I have that thing where I'm like, this just happened on the Dumpy Will Town page. For weeks, it said we had two unread messages and I had to go onto my desktop. It is an issue.

I felt like an old tiny computer user. I'm like, I guess I'll get on my desktop and figure this out. And I did. It felt so good. Is colon unread. Right. I'm going to start deleting everything. Exactly.

You know about this, right? That's what I was telling him. We're going to help him. Help me out. Is colon unread. I'm about to take all my devices and throw them in a ravine in Michigan. Pay me to burn it. Freeze them first, Keith, and then throw them in there.

It solves a lot of problems I don't even know where I was Oh so the guy decides to Freeze him and dispose of him Instead of burn him Block told police He That's K Block if you're nasty

He It is Unloaded the bundles During his lunch break In the summer of 2016 Like it's a Brian Adams song In the summer of 2016 Yeah but he's like What Adams song. The summer of 2016. Yeah, but he's like, yeah.

What year was it again? It was 2016. It was the summer of 2016 when I would use my lunch break to get rid of all that mail. Twas the summer of 2016. After being questioned, authorities said Block later. So he's questioned. He's like, all right, I guess I'm going to jail. He's going to jail.

Right. He then shows up at the police station. He says he brought back tubs containing undelivered mail that he still had in his residence. Like big industrial-sized tubs of mail that hadn't even been delivered to the guy who was supposed to burn them yet. This guy can't unload anything. He had to buy tubs. He had to go to the container store and go, you know what, instead of sorting mail, I'm had to buy tubs. He had to go to the container store and go, you know what, instead of sorting mail, I'm gonna

buy tubs. All the things he had to do to keep this alive was more than it would have been to just deliver the mail. Right, like he could have just, I understand like if his route was too long, like he's like, well, I'm not getting paid when I'm working, but then you are taking all the time in your life.

This is like Fatal Attraction, but with mail. It just keeps building. How not worth it is it? So many rabbits in pots. So I have a question. Are either of you guys like big conspiracy theorists? Not per se. Which one of you is the more of the conspiracy theorist?

I am getting, I'm going to get a tattoo of a question mark to just remind everybody to question everything. That's my religion. That's everything. I think that's great. Yeah. But I... It doesn't go far as far as a conspiracy theorist. It dabbles in it.

It dips a toe. It freezes it in the port. I just thought of something. You don't accept things offhand. Yeah. Like, you gotta, you know, give me a couple resources if I've never heard it before. Okay, so I just thought of something. If I were a conspiracy theorist and this just flashed through me and listening to this story.

What if this guy was sort of served up as a sacrificial lamb by the U.S. Postal Service to be like. Look at how bad this guy is. If you're getting your mail, you can't be mad at us because at least you're not, your mail isn't like frozen in a ravine somewhere. That like the U.S. Postal Service had like invented this whole guy. Like maybe he doesn't even get

charged with anything, but just that like he is shown as like so that people... So we think we might have a guy like that. No, no, so that you won't ever feel badly. You'll never treat your mailman or mail person poorly because you're like, at least my mailperson didn't throw my mail down a review. They're lowering the bar of expectation. That's right.

I would totally go for that theory, except if you've ever worked anywhere, there's always that dude. Like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm right on top of that. Yes. Oh, the email. Didn't you get my email? Oh, you're not getting my emails lately. It's weird. Straight lies.

Lying to your face on every level, which is what this guy did. He lied to his- Do you guys watch Atlanta? Do you guys watch the- Don't say anything. I want to start it really bad. Me too. Let me just say, you have to.

I don't know if you guys have seen the series. Not yet. Fuck yeah. Have you? No. Okay. He took his Atlanta tapes and threw them in a ravine. I watched just the second season of Atlanta.

I'm not going to give anything away, but there is one episode where there is a character in there that is basically what you were describing. It is maybe one of the, and he just shows up there. He might've showed up in the first season that I didn't see. Interesting way to watch something, but okay. I know. I was just like, this is what I have.

I'm going to see if I can jump in and kind of see it. And then I'll go back and watch for a season. I mean, it's brilliant. It's, it's beyond brilliant, but this character is one of the most well-drawn characters who didn't show up anywhere else in the second season.

And he is like one of those guys who just to your face, like it just lies like nobody's business. So I think you're right. I think there is that person in every office, in every situation who you're looking right at him. And he's like, yeah, I delivered it.

I delivered it in my garage. We wrote a book. What do we do now? And we had this agent and we kept waiting for him to, to make the revisions, to give us the edit, the editing. And he would,

he would say like, Oh, I'm halfway done. I'm this much done. And then he would, one time he goes, you didn't get it. I sent it. And I go, yeah, send me the tracking number. Since when do you just willy-nilly from a publishing company just go, I sent it.

The only copy, the only printed copy. He actually did it, you know, like hand made the notes. Tied it to a pigeon and sent it. Exactly. I floated it. He sent me a tracking number. He just sent me a series of numbers. No FedEx, no USPS, no UPS.

Yes. I put it into every single spot that I know of. I put it into UPS. You just leaned in on every line. Totally leaned in. 2, 6, X, X. That could be two X's. That's not a real tracking number. Then I called our book agent. I was like, this guy's on crack.

Make a meeting happen. He's like, you're being, he's like, don't yell at people. I'm like, I'm not yelling at people. This is the guy who's lying. I'm not lying. I'm going to yell at you. So no joke. He put together this meeting.

The guy comes in. He's literally scratching himself near the face. And I'm like, does everybody see this? Just open sores. It was kind of sad because everyone suddenly realized. Because now you're being like, oh, you have a problem. Yes. He actually went to get help.

Did he own up to the fact that he did not, did he ever admit that I didn't do this? Did he ever say that in not so many words, I guess I'm going to jail? I think. Looks like I'm going to jail. Looks like I'm going to jail. Looks guess I'm going to jail. I think. Looks like I'm going to jail. Looks like I'm going to jail. Looks like I'm going to jail.

Looks like I just got fired. Looks like I'm no longer your book editor. That's what happened. Yeah. Should be what happened. Exactly how many pieces were recovered from the ravine, they did not say. According to court documents, early attempts by investigators to contact the man allegedly paid to... This is what I love. According to court documents,

early attempts by investigators to contact the man allegedly paid to burn the mail were not successful. Which I guess they just gave up. They were like, let's try to call the guy who burned the mail. What if he burned his phone? We got one guy. Oh, he's good. He's good. He's like, yeah, now I see you, Kevin.

That's left burning in a ravine. By the way, this guy is a big old snitch. You know, the things didn't get burned, so you don't have to mention it. You don't have to mention any of this. It doesn't matter who put it there. You did your wrong already. Guess you're going to jail. Not everybody has to go to jail around your

stupid, idiotic plan. He was blaming it on the other guy. They would also not say if any of the mail was ever actually burned. He did say all of the recovered mail has since been delivered. Okay. We're going to get out of here on this. I was hoping it'd go to auction. We're going to go on this.

Who wants a Land's End catalog? How many pieces of mail went undelivered in the summer of 2016? Coming to you with an overview to find out how much damage did they do? 18,310. Okay, we're going first. 18,310. Way to we're going first, Keith. 18,310. Way to wait for other people, Keith.

Hamda. You guys can piggyback. Hamda, you can decide. You don't have to go second. Yeah, you can make us go. You could go third. You could go fourth. I feel like we had...

What was the 150 number in there? What was that? That was... They showed him that many. They showed him 150 pieces. We're like, well, what about, here's some mail you didn't do. Those are just examples. Okay.

So you say 18,310. He had container store containers, 10,581. Okay. Okay. Wow. You guys are amazing. Jay? 14,000.

14,000 from Jason Sklar. Randy Sklar. Oh, can we pick that you just wrote the story today and it never happened? Yeah, of course. Shit. Zero. It'd still be a number, though. 22,000.

22,000. Okay, so let's read. Randy says? 22,000. Jason? 14. Hegma? 10,281.

21,000. No, you said 18. I'm adding all of those together. You said 18,000. 18,310. Okay. I remember you, Keith said 18. I'm adding all of them together. You said 18,000. 18,310. I remember you, Keith. Wow.

Christopher Block, in the summer of 2016 on his lunch break. Everybody shout at your radios right now. Couldn't keep up with his mail. Goodness gracious. And the amount that was supposed to be burned but instead got frozen and thrown in a ravine. Get your answers in if you're playing along at home, townies. St. Jude, give me something. The amount of mail was, I'm going to tell you right now, one you're playing along at home, townies. St. Jude, give me something. The amount of mail was...

I'm going to tell you right now, one of you is less than 1,500 away. What? The amount of mail undelivered totaled 17,000. Whoa! Out of the gates, bro.

You wanted to throw it away. You had a great 17,000 pieces of mail. Dummy. I love it. That's a lot. This is dumb behavior. Everything surrounding it is dumb. Not delivering it is dumb.

Getting the tubs is dumb. The amount of people that could have... Hiring someone else to burn it is dumb. The amount of people that could have combined their TV, internet, and phone that will never get to. That landline they're hanging on to. They could have bundled. Instead, their bundles were at the bottom of a ravine. The moral of the story is get a burn man you can trust.

That's right. Period. That's a good rule for life. Here's another moral of the story. Check out these guys awesome podcast again hemden the and and not keith and the girl i want to say hemden the boy i like it keith and the girl opening line and my opening line which to me sounds like an amazing i'm sure you guys have had great guests on but an amazing if you love stand-up comedy it is an amazing look

into like it's almost like an origin story. The amazing look into that first moment. You know that first moment Wonder Woman realizes she is like, that's the first moment you realize, okay. It really is that. It's how did you feel after you got up for the first time and some of them do really great,

some of them bomb, some of them don't do it again for three years. What gave you the little spark that said I gotta keep going? Yeah, yeah. Why would you do this to yourself? Again.

Those are available on iTunes. Everywhere podcast. And website to follow you guys is? It's myopeningline.com. That's on Starburns Audio and keithandthegirl.com. But you can find Keith and the Girl and My Opening Line anywhere you find podcasts.

Love it. Guys, thank you so much for joining us for this great mini-episode of Dumb People Town. Dumb People Town! Shit. We've got to get back to work. Stick around. Make a sound. Come here down. It's Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Stick around. Make a sound.

Hung it down. It's Dumb People Town. It's a good show.