Dumb People Town - Kelsey Cook - Country Apple Kind Of Bitch

Episode Date: September 21, 2021

This week Kelsey Cook comes to town to hang with Daniel, Jason and Randy. The first story is about the best pizza delivery. For the second story, a Florida man robs a store then assaults everyone. The final story reveals a terrible surprise under a woman's bed.

Skypains, out of here. Hey, Tatties, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Cook. Kelsey Cook. Welcome to the show. Oh, so happy to be here, guys. We've wanted it. We've wanted it for a long time.

I can't believe you haven't done the show before. She did our show. I did their show. Right. View from the cheap seats, and she was amazing because we went deep, deep, deep into her mom. Foosball history. No yo-yo, just foosball?

Straight. It was a straight foosball dive. Mom was a champ. Mom and dad were both. Mom was really the champ. Both. And my dad fell off sooner than my mom. But my mom went on to be in the Foosball Hall of Fame.

I mean. We're in Las Vegas. They were the Dick and Evelyn Florn. Dude, the Foosball Hall of Fame. Dick and Evelyn Florn were mini golf. I thought the Foosball Hall of Fame should be in like some kid's basement. In like Milwaukee. Thank you. Thank you. Where's the Foosball Hall of Fame should be in some kid's basement. In Milwaukee.

Thank you. Where's the Fuswell Hall of Fame? It's in a Dave and Buster's. It is. No, you have to go to the back and taste. Her mom's a Hall of Famer. It takes four million tickets to get in. By the way, she's a Hall of Famer. We're going to talk about that in segment two because coming up is a very special thing

that we get to participate with you. We get to call it at Moon Tower. We'll talk about it later. Talk about your other podcasts. But immediately, in the immediate moment, the world is getting dumber. Correct? Are we wrong to say that?

We'll figure it out. It's a lot, yeah. So dumb. And the only way to go at it is through comedy. So our awesome fans send us stories and we, the four of us, each get a steering wheel and we get to break it down. Kelsey Cook is with us, Daniel.

Let's jump in the world. You want to do a story? Let's do it. Here we go. I can't wait. Sent in by burn velasco burn burn b e r n feel the burn burn velasco at burn underscore velasco burn velasco could be a hot sauce burn velasco has sold more than one couch or a hemorrhoid i feel like there's just some medical grab me the burn velasco and a sitz bath i need both i need to put it on my rice and my ass he is he or they or she is uh a full name person like nobody's like who's coming over burn nobody no burn velasco kelly

sarah james right It's a full name. Why would you not say Bern Velasco? When you have the option. Right. When you have the last name, it's like you got to do it. I feel like he says his own name when he gets you with like a rip. Like if he gets you, he's like, ooh, Bern Velasco. Got your ass.

Bern Velasco is always in sales. Yeah. No matter what is happening. When he shakes your hand, he gives you a card. Yes. Burn Velasco. Burn Velasco. Right.

Card is between these two fingers as he hands it out. Burn Velasco. Two days from now, you're going to say you're welcome to no one. Yeah. Tells toll booth workers, see you later. When you're in the shower staring off into space, you're going to rememberasco all right west liberty i don't know where that is no idea uh somewhere in logan county a logan county man thank you burn velasco uh wanted to make sure that his pizza was still good and warm which is worse than little caesars yeah good and. I don't take good and warm over hot and ready

because one is good and warm. The other is just hot and ready. It's just the temperature. Yeah, it's not a judgment. We went out with Dan last night and hung out and so much needed the three of us time. And we ordered a little pizza late night and it came down and it was so hot when they laid it down.

I'm like, this is not good. Really? Because it was so hot. I was like, I need they laid it down. I'm like, this is not good. Really? Because it was so hot. I was like, I need it to calm down. They burn their mouth burner. Their mouth burned Velasco. I burned Velasco in my mouth. If it's in front of me, I'm going to start eating it.

Right. I have so many friends like this. I don't know what that says about me. I'm like, don't eat it right now. Have you seen those TikTok challenges where they put chocolate in front of a little kid no and they're in front of camp they go okay you can have it but only when i come back from the bathroom so you have to wait and then you watch kids have a fucking meltdown like just like sitting there like smelling it and like looking over their shoulder it's like you guys still at this age so last night so last night we were driving

to where we were, this is like, this could have been a TikTok challenge. Who knows, Dan? Sure, sure. So we're driving across because the place we wanted to go

was closed. And so we drove across Santa Monica to go over to Jones on 3rd. Not Jones on 3rd, Jones Bar at Santa Monica

and near La Brea. And at Santa Monica and La Cienega at 10 o'clock at night, the light was red. For everyone. It wasn't flashing red. It was just constant red for everyone.

Something was wrong. It was like a bad joke. And I already knew this because I had experienced this once before, but they had not experienced it yet. So everyone is just sitting there. Now, for me, I'm like, this should actually make people feel good because nobody moved. Everyone was obeying the laws. Cars weren't, cars weren't slamming into each other.

For this guy, we've gotten the left turn lane, drove all the way up and then went right through it because it's, it's a four way stop. If a light malfunctions, it becomes a four way stop. So it's like, you're sitting there in the chocolates right there. We got to wait for mom or dad to get back in.

And it's like, what do we do in this situation? I drove. Randy said to me, he goes, thank God for all these people. This is who's getting getting vaccinated they just do what they're told wait here here's how we'll all survive don't be wild cards it actually gave me and i was like you're right right i really want us to do some sort of hidden camera thing with them because it would be fun to

see how far we can push you guys exactly just the most extreme temperatures of food oh yeah and just see how long it takes for you guys to be hospitalized. If a pizza gets put down and it's super piping hot, someone's going to burn their mouth. Someone is absolutely- Well, then you understand this guy. All he wanted was to make sure that his pizza was still good and warm after he picked up the pie in Urbana, I hope Champagne, and he made his way home to rural Logan County Sunday afternoon. Okay. According to deputies to rural Logan County Sunday afternoon.

According to deputies from the Logan County Sheriff's Office. Flame torch. The name tells you so much. Wyatt Strickland punches first. Guaranteed. Wyatt Strickland. There's no pushing. There's not like a whole bunch of like peacocking.

He just hits. Well, who was involved last night? Wyatt Strickland. And you knew it was a fight. Knuckle sandwich. Someone ate a knuckle sandwich. Did he take his duster off? Nope.

Not duster. Didn't even take it off. Wyatt Strickland, big fan of the Ren Faire, of rural West Liberty, was clocked driving well beyond the speed limit on County Road 1 in Logan County at 6.30 p.m. Sunday. I'm going to ask you guys, how fast do think wyatt strickland was driving home just to keep his pizza warm so that he could good and warm yeah good and clear thank you you are a guest kelsey do you want to go first take which second or third and we you don't have to go first you can go wherever you want in the lineup i'd like to go third okay jason so i think he was going

130 miles per hour and i'm'm not joking. That's cruising. That is insane. So fast. That's about as fast as a car. Yeah. I've never gone that fast. That's pushing your car. Have you guys ever hit the governor on your car?

What's the governor? The governor only allows your car to go to a certain speed. Even though the odometer might go farther, like usually around anywhere from like 170 to 140. I've been at 120. Now some, yes. Really? Yeah, like, yes. Really? Yeah, just driving.

You can get up Vegas. Really high. Driving on a straightaway. But a lot of minivans and stuff, they have governors on them, so you'll hear it hit, and it's like, well, we're not going fast. I'm taking this one.

By the way, that's a great phrase of like, how hard are we partying tonight? I'm taking this one to the governor. You're taking the governor off. I'm taking the governor off tonight. The governors are off, so I I'm taking the governor off. I'm taking the governor off tonight. The governors are off. So I think the Govs are off. The Govs are off.

I say 110. 110. What do you think, Kelsey? I'm going to do 115. 115. Okay. All right. Good.

One of you. Oh, boy. Is one number off. Oh, God. So now all of you. We get to just go one up or one down. You adjust up or is one number off. Oh, God. So now all of you can adjust up or down one number. So you got to adjust. Jason? 131.

Okay. 111. Okay. 114. Okay. Wyatt Strickland. Who wanted that good and warm. Yes, he did.

Just wanted a good and warm night. That's his God-given right. Was going. I mean, a woman doesn't wanted a good and warm night. That's his God-given right. Was going. I mean, a woman doesn't have a right to choose in this country anymore, but he's got a right to good and warm pizza. Let's just be. He was going. Hey, my pizza, my choice.

He was going. 114 miles an hour. Kelsey Cook. Wow. Whoa. Chef right in the room. Dude, you're going to get in the Dumb People Town Hall of Fame. It's the carnival game in me.

It's like I like that shit. You're having Pollock. You're a competitor. I love that about you. Deputies attempted to initiate a traffic stop and gave a short chase but could not catch Wyatt Strickland. Wait, your car can't go one? They're like, it's done. Wait, wait, wait.

Shouldn't every police car be able to go 134? Well, you imagine if he blew past them and they were parked on a hill. And they weren't ready. They weren't ready for the chase. By the time they would get up to speed, he's gone. So in his brain, though, he's treating this like he has a pregnant woman in the car. I got to get her to the hospital. I got a fresh Hawaiian.

Here's- Nothing's stopping me. Right. Or a bomb. Or a bomb that's going down. Extra PA. That got a fresh Hawaiian. Nothing stopping me. Or a bomb. Or a bomb that's going down. Extra PA. I have a rule about this. We've all...

LA traffic. Okay, whatever. But when I see people driving insane and somebody will say to me well maybe they have an emergency. I go, if you have an emergency, you gotta put your hazards on. If you want to go 120 but your hazards are on, I think there's something wrong. This is a group. But if you're going 120 and you got to put your hazards on. If you want to go 120, but your hazards are on, I think there's something wrong.

This is a group. But if you're going 120 and you're just cutting it up, I'm like, well, you're an asshole. Because hazards would tell me, you're trying to tell people, I got to get through here. Something isn't right. Right. Agree, disagree?

So when I was driving home. I agree. I was driving home from this past weekend. We were down in Mission Viejo with my cousins. I'm driving back up, and some jerk does this weird i'm in the carpool lane with my family and some jerk does this weird move where like they go from behind me over to the other lane and then cut right in front of me i'm like this ass are you kidding me right side cut off so i of course waited for a moment that i could go right and go up and go two cars ahead of that person and slid

right in like fuck you you're not gonna do this to me you're not gonna you're gonna do this you're gonna beat me in this race have you seen this mustache yeah come on right right and then he like got out like he was going again and i was like you're going again are we doing this again then he got pulled off the road and i was like yeah you lost i won because i have to drive farther than you do even though it's not a competition side question do you guys do is this just a illinois northern illinois thing do you do the like flash oncoming traffic to let them know there's cops yes yes that does happen if you see a cop waiting you go to everybody else coming on it's a big thing in

washington okay good and it feels good it's like it's one of those pre-internet things that we all permeated all of our shared knowledge and we just took care of it. It's the original Waze. Someone told me, by the way, on Waze, they notify you of where the cops are waiting. Google does now too because Google bought Waze. So Google Maps does

as well. Waze was out of control for a while. Out of control. It was just... drive over this house it was like middle school hall monitors wet dream where they're just like it's my time to shine

like I'm coming through and they'd be like I'm reporting fog it's like we can see fog exactly stop reporting that also like

why do that while there's fog like that's that's how you die two miles ahead there's a bird on the left. You're like, this doesn't matter. Great. Yeah.

Are you just telling me how powerful your Google map is? Jesus. Yeah. Those people. Too much. And the people who leave Yelp reviews must be in the same circle. And I just don't understand it. I knew I wanted it the other day because I had to search for a gas station.

Who's reviewing gas stations? Who is leaving reviews? I would. Good or bad? Clean bathroom. That's not a bad tip. Clean bathroom, they'll let you use the air

without buying anything. But if you're gas station bathrooming, are you looking up reviews? No. You've already come to terms with what- It's an emergency.

Yes. Something's about to come out of a hole and you're finding the closest one. Or your car's about to break. There's never a- No one chooses. I's about to break. Like there's never a. No one chooses.

I'm choosing. Let me look at which mobile gas station I will. Okay. Okay. But what if I said if you if if I quickly just said Shell Mobile Chevron. Sure.

Which one are you if you have a choice of all three Chevron. I don't even care. Whatever's closest. Chevron. But why do you, why? Why do you and Mobile feel like they're inflating to the, they're like, they're trying to get us.

Kelsey, they're trying to get us. Mobile feels like the Dasani water. Yes. I mean, not to shit on, I know we got it here today. We got some here. Yeah. We're mobile people. So our parents.

More of an Arco guy. Our dad, so our dad would find the one, he found the one gas station that was like the most off brand. He would always take us there. The one with the dinosaurs up here in town? No. You like Sinclair? Yes, Sinclair. Sinclair, yeah.

No, no, no. Sinclair was expensive. That's a thing. Our dad would be like, hey, you got to drive 29 miles into the valley. Up in Palmdale, there's a Zephyr station. We're like, Zephyr? That's not even a thing. You give your gas

in a brown paper bag you drove you burn three gallons to get there and back you wasted the money on that he just wants to do that

but our parents when we were growing up the knives we had the cutting knives like the steak knives that we had were from Shell Gas Station a giveaway

I'm sorry what? at a Shell Gas Station and we had those knives for gas station a giveaway i'm sorry at a shell gas station and we had those knives for those are our daily 25 years three shell giveaway items in my house right now they issued walter payton glasses with a piece of astroturf from soldier field no they did not yes we're gone no i bought them for my uncle like we first had one at the cabin so i think our parents spent like $10.99 on these steak knives, and they were sort of like white handle.

Off white handle. Mother of pearl handle. They were great knives. Was there a shell logo on them? No. No shell logo. They were very classy. Very classy.

And they lasted for knives. 25 years. And I was like, I mean, our whole childhood, like up through college, like those were our knives. Shell knives. The shell state. I was like, I mean, our whole childhood, like up through college, like those were our knives. Shell knives.

Shell knives. The Shell State. We're like, and every, like once we became conscious people, we'd be like, did you really get these from a gas station? Yeah. Our parents were like, yeah. Proud of it. That's all you need to know about your family.

25 year old dad. Proud of it. And the Zephyr Station. You guys ready for this? Surprise, he went to Shell in the first place. So deputies tried to initiate a traffic stop. Zip. Wyatt's like, see ya. Bye. Strickland out. this. Surprise, he went to shell in the first place. So deputies tried to initiate a traffic stop. Wyatt's like, see ya.

Strickland out. But Wyatt Strickland was given away, not by the odor of pizza, but by the stench of burnt rubber near the intersections of County Road 47 and Township 166. What? Deputies were able to trace the odor to a driveway in the 6600 block of TR 166. Dude, that

is great police work. Where the vehicle was located and the hood of the vehicle was hot to the touch, like you guys block of TR-166. Dude, that is great police work. Where the vehicle was located and the hood of the vehicle was hot to the touch, like you guys with pizza. That's right. So they literally were like, well, somebody's burning, and they just followed the smell.

Is that how little is happening in that town? It has to be. We will find where the smell is coming from. We'll touch as many cars as we have to. This, to me, could be an episode of Reservation Dogs. Two drops of tomato sauce on the side and he licks it up and just smells it. It's a quick DNA test. Yeah, follow an air test.

He's like wind talkers. I love it. Deputies knocked on the door of the residence and Wyatt Strickland came out and admitted to driving the vehicle saying that he was bringing his pizza home from Urbana and fled the deputies in order to avoid a traffic violation. He's like, I had pizza. He also just came out and told him. Yep. Me.

My God. I know. This guy has either been broken forever or something just recently happened in his life. And pizza is his only. It's all he's got. It's all he's got. He wanted it so i mean we've all wanted something so badly that like it consumes your thoughts for a long period of time and when you get focused on it when you lose very odd sentence here in this mr strickland was to be

disappointed as he was arrested and charged to failure to comply i don't think this is the worst writing i've ever obstructing Obstructing official business. Well, how's that? The official business of them pulling him over? I think his official business was to get that damn pizza. Speed and reckless opinion of a motor vehicle. Do you think the person at the pizza place is like, you're going to want to eat this as warm as possible?

It's hot now. It won't be in 10 minutes. It's going to be garbage in like 40 minutes. Then they say, you asked how small is this town? It's unclear what became of the pizza. He ate it. He ate it. He ate it. We'll get out of here on this.

How old is Wyatt Strickland? At what age is he going through this life crisis that you feel he's experiencing? Is this wrong to would not come right out and be like, yeah, that's mine. Right? A woman. It all depends on the alcohol level. That's true. I don't.

Yeah, I think a woman would be a little more tricky about it. Thank you. Okay. Wyatt Strickland. Where do you want to go, Kelsey?'ll go i'll go first okay do it um i'm gonna say 61 61 years old damn okay jason not what i was thinking i was gonna say like 21 21 i love when there's a wide range this is see I love when there's a wide range. Okay. 43.

43. The end of story one. We'll go out with this. Love it. Wyatt Strickland is 49 years old. Oh! Kind of between you and me. I'll take it.

It's a little closer. Freshly divorced. By the way, we're 49. We're 49. Jesus Christ That's sad Yeah Well

You have to look forward to Yeah There you go Wait we're living it That's amazing That's story number one Story number one Down in the books

When we come back We're gonna talk about The two great podcasts That Kelsey's doing Including the live show That we're doing At Moon Tower Comedy Festival Which this drops on Tuesday

The 21st This episode So this week We are doing Moon Tower If you're in Austin You gotta come see this We're gonna tell you all about it On the other side of this episode. So this week we are doing Moon Tower. If you're in Austin, you've got to come see this. We're going to tell you all about it on the other side of this break. It's Dumb People Town with Kelsey Cook. Don't go anywhere.

Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to DPT. Before we get into all the cool stuff Kelsey's doing, Daniel Van Kirk has postponed his Together Into It. Yeah, everything will pick up and spray.

How can they find out? What if people bought tickets? Yeah, all that stuff will all be taken care of. I think people will get their stuff back. DanielVanKirk.com. We'll make sure. I don't know how that all works, but I'm sure if somebody's a dick to you, you can tell me. If anybody in this world will make it right, it's Daniel Van Kirk. But for everything else, go to DanielVvankirk.com. You can obviously listen to me hanging out here.

And then I do digital shows like Bingo, where we raise money for no-kill animal shelters, Big Brothers, Big Sisters, and Food Banks. You watch those movies. And you can win stuff.

And then, yeah, we have Movie Club, where we just get together and talk about a movie that I've never seen before. Dan, I thought you were messing with us on a most recent Patreon

that we were playing you a Rob Bass song and you were like, I've never heard of it. Do you know who Rob Bass is? No. See? Jesus.

Joy. And pain. That's what they're gonna do. And then we're gonna get sued by Rob Bass's estate. Yeah. You know that song? I've never heard it in my life.

He's like, I've never heard of it. So there are movies that Dan has never seen. Like Grease was a recent one that you watched. Yeah, I saw Grease. Never saw Grease.

Dirty Dancing was another one that you'd never seen. When Harry Met Sally. So Dan watches them with people, and I would imagine- But I've seen so many movies. There's just a vein of movies I never saw. But it's cool that he is watching them

with adult critical eyes. And with other people who probably have seen it and are just joyful that they're watching it with you for the first time. Right. The next one I'm doing is That Thing You Do. Great. Never seen it. You guys have all seen it are just joyful that they're watching it with you for the first time. Right. The next one I'm doing is that thing you do. Great.

Never seen it. You guys have all seen it, I assume. Yeah. I don't remember that I've seen that. Really? The singing movie, right?

Well, it's a band. A band. Steve Zahn. Steve Zahn and the band. Tom Hanks. I think it was the first Playtone movie he produced. Okay.

Yeah. See, I know things about it. I just haven't. So, danielvankirk.com. Just participate in all those things. There's all sorts of fun stuff there. We have a Patreon where we're doing new episodes of Cheap Seats, our old show that has not had a new episode, really, since 2015.

Well, now it has. 2005, I'm sorry. Did you do the diving one yet? We did a high dive competition. It was so high. It was so high. It was like Doug Benson at Burning Man. It was higher than the cost of a sandwich at an airport. All right. It was so dumb. It was like Doug Benson at Burning Man. It was higher than the cost of a sandwich at an airport.

It was so dumb. So we did this high dive competition from SeaWorld in 1983. It was crazy. We have Battle of the Network Stars, which is something we've always wanted to do, and it is now happening. So we are very excited. Howard Cosell's 11 to 14 Me Too moments all in that thing.

Oh, boy. It's amazing. So go to our Patreon.com, and you can join, and it thing. Oh, boy. It's amazing. So go to our patreon.com and you can join and it's five bucks a month. It's super easy. And that's it. Plus we have our own here.

We have our own Patreon. Yeah, Stump People Time. If you're not part of that, it's a great way to support. It's a hang. It's a total hang. Extra content, all that stuff. Now, we are going to be

at Moon Tower Comedy Festival this week as this drops. We're going to be doing a lot of shows including a live cheap seat show. But we're also commentating what we normally do this is one of the highlights of the festival for us if you haven't seen us do this it's one of my favorite things that we do we did the ping pong tournament for like six years yeah now we are doing and we have played you in this i'm so excited i'm so excited we are doing a basically a wrists of fury it's a foosball

championship tournament you're are you taking everybody on? She's taking on everybody. I'm taking on the winner of the full bracket. So there's a bracket? Okay, so someone will play. So you're the final boss. I'm the final boss. She's Judah Friedlander.

So here's what I'm going to ask you to do. If you want, only if you want. But join us in the booth, so to speak. And you can be the analysis and color commentary to go through what people did right and what people did wrong. And we're just gonna be carving people up

making jokes which is what we do all the time. I love it. In Wrist of Fury is there a comic who surprised you the most that you were like

wow. Nick Thune almost beat me. No. Really? Yeah. No way. That's been one of the biggest

requests for a rematch. I thought you said one of the biggest regrets of mine. I let him get that clip. I almost walked one of the biggest requests for a rematch. I thought you said one of the biggest regrets of mine. I let him get that clip. I almost walked into traffic. Did you feel like it was an off day for you or he played really well or both? No, he played well.

Yeah. Dude, he's like amazing. There's like things that he can do that I think regular people just can't. Yeah. No, he was good. Also, I go into those matches. Did you know he was good going in? Here's the thing.

He was talking some shit beforehand. You can't do that. But everybody talks shit beforehand. Everybody does. Except us. You guys did not. That's your time. That's your time.

You can. People say, why are you talking shit? We haven't played. Because in a few minutes, I might not get to talk shit at all. This is my only window. Get it out. This is my only window. Get it out. This is my guaranteed window. Get it out now.

I think we just had, we scored a goal. I know we did that. But we definitely, our goal was to just make fun of how bad we were. And your parents. You guys just destroyed my parents. We destroyed them. And that was almost as much as they destroyed each other. That's another story.

Oh my God. It never ends. Folks. Picked it right back up. Did you much as they destroyed each other. That's another story. It never ends. Picked it right back up. Did you Trump it Tuesdays? Were you about to say that you kind of go into it with like, I'll let it be a little bit fun? No, I go into it kind of assuming that people are going to be more on the bad end. Of course. But at some point you go into TCOB mode.

Like I got to take care of business. That's what I was wondering. Was there a gear change for you when you were like, oh, I have to beat your ass? Yeah. And you can see how different that episode is than most of the other ones because I am quiet. Yeah, I get like that too. You stop being funny. I have everything

to lose on that show. The whole premise is that I respect you so much for doing that. Because you could get beat. Well, people can look this up on YouTube. There are matches from actual foosball tournaments that I've gone to where people get to see what it looks like in an actual setting.

And there's no talking. There's no- No. It is- Stone-faced. Let me just focus. Sunday, you hear like click, click, heart, like the sound of the ball hitting the back of the goal

and then the finger. If someone... And that's it. That's it. If someone were to happy Gilmore it, like come onto the scene and be very brash or like loud, would it really affect... Like would people be like,

you can't play like this. Like shut up. Well, there are refs sometimes if somebody's being too crazy. They'll say tone it down. Do they take a point away? I've talked about... I don't think they'll take a point away, but if you are jarring, like if you are moving

your rod so aggressively that you actually move the ball, that's called jarring and then you lose the possession. I've talked before on podcasts about Cindy Head. Did we talk about Cindy Head on yours? She is one more. I'm wondering how much of this we should be saving for our Patreon podcast.

All right, let's save it. But I still want to promote all of this stuff. I have like nine questions. We're going to do super duper foosball talk. We'll go super deep into it on our Patreon. Okay. Yeah, we always take a few minutes. It's going to be so much

fun and awesome. This is Saturday afternoon we do this. There is no other show that goes on in the afternoon on Saturdays. Everyone is going to be hanging out watching this.

You are going to hop up in the booth with us and we'll just be funny together, all of us, and you'll give us the ins and outs. Are you guys, and I mean this

for all three of you, are any of you going to wear sequins for the tournament? No, I don't know. Boys I want to get you sequin jackets to call it. I would take a sequin jacket. I'll take one. I'll take one.

Also we're shooting three new no four four new episodes of Wrist of Fury. I love it. During one of the days at the festival. If the table's up you might as well do it. Yeah. And you have a lot of great comics there.

So many great comics. I've been getting messages for the last year like when are we getting new episodes? So just so you guys know a few listeners are Risa Fury fans they are coming and the guests are gonna be

so great by the way a great follow on Instagram you are and a great follow your dad I mentioned it Trumpet Tuesday

it's your dad doing trumpet like the trumpet parts of hip hop songs and current songs it's amazing thank you

it's one of my favorite things I think I've messaged you and just said like, this is bringing me so much joy. Right now you have no idea. Oh, that means so much. It's at KelseyCookComedy on Instagram if you guys want to check out

Trumpet Tuesday and a bunch of my comedy clips. It's so worth it. Yeah, your comedy is great too. And Self Helpless. Oh, thank you. And yeah, Self Helpless podcast. It's a great listen.

Thank you. I appreciate it. That is you and Taylor Tomlinson and Delaney Fisher. So the three of you guys, right? You guys are like the, I want to say, you guys are like the Phoebe Bridgers and Lucy Dacus and the woman from Big Thief.

You're like that trio of people in that way. Super cool, super talented people. Thank you. So enjoy that. All right, let's jump into the show. You want to do a second story? Let's do it. Here we go.

This was sent in by Brian W. Lance at Blance. That's B Lance, 79. He owns a TGI Fridays. Ready for this headline? Florida man steals, assaults everyone. What? Florida man steals,

assaults everyone. Mic drop. One more you need. Make him governor is what i said that's his next move make him king right cops are hunting for a florida man the use of hunting hunting like it's surviving the game in every other state they would say searching right no he's hunting looking for hunting this guy cops are but they're the ones hunting bowie knives like in the Gator country. Yeah. Cops are hunting for a Florida man who stole items from a Miami bath and body works.

What do you still want at my, who, how, how much do you love sunripe and raspberry that you need? Remember sunripe and raspberry? Do I ever? Sunripe and raspberry was every girl from 1994 to 1999. Regardless of age. I'm talking 22 year old to

12 year old. Listen, sometimes you're a country apple kind of bitch. Country apple was huge. Many times a cucumber melon. I'll reveal sometimes you're a country apple bitch. I have sensory sex related memories of like high school fooling around.

That country apple would take me to a place. If I smelled it right now, I'd be like- I have to lay down. Are we in Katie Winebaugh's basement? Dan would have to leave the room in case anything popped up. If I smell a red current, like a red current candle. Oh my God. Sex memory.

A red current candle. This happens to people all the time. When you smell someone wearing your ex's perfume or cologne- This is how they get you, dude. You're in a bank or whatever and you're like, where? You stroke out. A red current can. Because this happens to people all the time. When you smell someone wearing your ex's perfume or cologne, like you're in a bank or whatever, and you're like, where? You stroke out. You do, right? You smell plumeria.

You get the fuck out. That's right. You get out. You drive away. You don't need to make that deposit. You don't need to do it at that point. You just get out. Also, mid to late 90s, you could get any girl you were dating

a gift basket from Bath & Body Works and you were fine. If you gave a girl a warm vanilla sugar anything. Anything. Love of her life. Get ready to get that warm vanilla sugar coming back at you. I thought I remembered Sunripe and Raspberry. I didn't know that I was forgetting Country Apple. She said it's burned into her nasal passage.

Kelsey gets it. Fully. I grew up in the mall. Yeah. It's such trash. And recently, I have to say this, Bath and Body Works

has become a place like ground zero for fights about masks. What is it now? Masks. Remember those three women and then that one woman in the tube top

just flew in? I thought they got replaced by like Lush. No, no, no. No, no, no. It stands on its own. It's on right now. It's on its own. It's on. It's still out there.

It's still on. Do you think they make either one of those scents we were just talking about? I bet you they do. They brought them back for a small window of time. It was this whole big thing on the internet. Throwback. Everybody around my age was like, go get in line. Get it.

Get it. Get it. You better go. You better fucking go. You better tell them, Dan. There's a whole bunch of stuff. It's been on YouTube, all kinds of things, where when they released their fall candles in particular.

People went nuts. People. You get a lot of Karens, a lot of Teresas, a lot of short bob cuts. People are going to buy all of them, leaving none for anybody else. And it's great for the store. Candles, huh?

It was all lotions and soap, I thought, when we were kids. Right, the candles were less the thing, but the candles. Those three wick, sometimes you get a deal. Crab tree and that one was... I'm a Yankee man. Oh, okay. Bath bombs, motherfucker. I love a good bath bomb. Crab tree and Evelyn, is that like just the way lower

rent? No, I feel like that's higher rent. That's bougie. If Evelyn is in any brand, bougie. Bath and Body Works could be in a subway station. A subway restaurant. Yes. They could use it in a subway restaurant. I'm in a combination subway Bath and Body Works.

Great song. So they're at a Miami Bath and Body Works. The Florida man stole items. What would he want? Now, I'm not gender describing anybody. I'm just saying, like, why would you steal shower gel? He made off with the stolen lube by spraying everyone with bear mace. Nope.

This is what the attack on the Capitol has done. It has made Bath and Body Works an unsafe location. But also, what's left? As if there's not enough fragrance in the air. He's going bear mace. Whoa! Someone walks in ten minutes later and is like, what's that candle? What am I smelling?

Is it mean of me to say this might be the most white trash heist we've ever done? I'm going to steal from a Bath and Body Works. When? Tuesday afternoon. How? Bear mace. I'm so honored to be a part of the most white trash episode. I would look at him and I'd be like, well, if you love her that much, it's worth it. Damn, like stealing from Bath & Body Works is like robbing Paul to pay Paul. It's terrible.

Doral Police Spokesperson Ray Valdez told CNN, this is one of those only in Miami stories. Only in Florida. Sure. It's not the suspect too small. Robbed Miami International Mall store on Saturday and injured at least how many people with the bears including one who took a direct hit of bear repellent to the face

and needed to be hospitalized. How many people in this bath and body works was like you get a spray. You get a spray. You get a spray. Kelsey, where do you want to go? Third. Okay.

Okay, Jay, what do you think? So I hope this person wasn't like an overweight, hairy, gay man. Why? Because then it actually would be bare skin. And that would be... That's the person who got injured the most. I'm going to say he...

How many people injured? Yeah. Five. Five, okay. I'm going to say 11. 11. injured? Yeah. Five. Five, okay. I'm going to say 11. 11. 11 people injured. Kelsey Cook.

That stuff hangs in the air. That's everywhere. I'm going to say 12. 12, okay. The amount of people injured at the Miami International Mall Bath and Body Works with bear spray because somebody wanted items from Bath and Body Works. To steal them. We've got a little bit more after this.

Is 30. Whoa! 30 to pack. We're packed. It's a Saturday at the mall. That's a lot of people. I mean, did he cut through the food court and just keep going, steak and potato company? Spray, spray, spray. That store was packed.

The man allegedly sprayed people with bear mace after swiping Bath and Body Works candles. You called it, Kelsey Cook. Dude, candles are like the big ticket item. And I didn't know this. So when I read that, I was like, what an odd thing to take. Yeah. Are they expensive?

They're expensive if you don't get them on sale. Fair enough. They're between 20 and 30. About 15 of the people sprayed were employees of the store. That's a lot of people working at Bath & Body Works. Damn. 15? That's a one-to-one ratio.

That's too much. Yeah. Too much. I mean, just years ago. The only place everywhere in this country is understaffed except Bath & Body Works, I guess. It's like a private school with this staff-to-student ratio. You know why I like it there? Because I only have to worry about one customer the whole day.

Dude, you got to sell 10 extra candles just to pay for the aprons for those people. Am I right? Is he right? Given the serious nature of the attack and the injuries suffered, the crime could be considered aggravated battery as the suspect is potentially looking at 30 to 35 felonies, spokesperson for the police said. I'm being serious here. If he got a year for each person he sprayed,

I'd be cool with it. Fine. 30 years. At least a month. A year. This man can't be trusted to be in the world at all ever again. Weird little bear spray to the mouth. I'm sorry, Dan.

Did you say two years if he does a month? I said it's at least two years as long as he does a month. You're in for two years. That's right. You make some good behavior. I thought you were coming up with your own phrase. It's two years if he does a month. I'm like, is that a phrase?

What is that? Well, I'll tell you this. You put me in jail for a month, it's going to feel like two years. Oh, my God. 30 days in. Oh, my God. 60 days in. Don't even get me started on 60 days in.

60 days in, Dan. I watched one. Why? Just watch alone. Have you watched alone? No. Okay, I can't. I will derail the whole show.

Oh, boy. We'll get you watching. I don't like the guy from the last guy. I don't like him. I don't like his attitude. The Viggo Mortensen looking guy? Yeah, I don't likeail the whole show. Oh, boy. We'll get you watching. I don't like the guy from the last guy. I don't like him. I don't like his attitude. Viggo Mortensen looking guy? Yeah, I don't like him. Okay.

Weird little wrinkle, last sentence of this story. He was last seen, this is our bear macing bear, potentially. He was last seen leaving the mall in a taxi. You need better security. Should you take an Uber? No. I don't imagine. Old school, baby.

What you doing? You have to call a taxi for a Miami mall, right? There's probably not a taxi line. Or Dan. How long are you standing out? No, you have it wait for you. The taxi brought his ass to that mall. That's okay.

Now better heist. This is a better heist. You wait here, bro. Scoop and spray. Scoop and spray. Scoop and spray. You wait here, right back in the taxi. And keep the meter running.

I don't care. Can we all agree also? I got that candle money. I don't want anybody to steal. He pays him in candles. But don't you feel like he probably didn't need to spray anyone? He probably could have just candles and run. Or he could

have held the bear spray and be like threatened. Sure. Also, what a weird store to do that in when there are many things that you can spray into people's eyes and you're already there yeah you're there there spray the pumpkin spice why not that's story number two wow that felt like a mad lib oh my god all right you know every part of that yeah what a ride what a wild ride in a taxi yeah that's how yeah and what did he leave it you know

all right what's the last story dan give us a little taste of what we're gonna hear oh just horror in the bedroom or in the bed bedroom kelsey cooks our guest uh we'll be right patreon fans are gonna go deep into the world oh my god if you don't join this patreon you're not gonna get to hear this oh lord oh lord it's dumb people down with kelsey don't go anywhere. Stick around. Make it sound for more Dumb People Town. All right, this is something we love. We don't do it all the time because it's special. We take a moment out of a show to say thanks.

Shout out. And then also brutalize people's names and give them nicknames they never knew they wanted or needed. Or deserve. Right. David W. The fact that David Wayne is a townie is wild. Or it's another David W. D-dubs.

D-dubs. D-dubs. D-dub Wild Wings. Ryan Gilby. Gilby. Ryan's been around for a while. There's no way anybody calls him Ryan in his life. He's just Gilby.

He's Gilby. What's up, buddy? Christopher Mikulski. Cop. Cop Koski. Okay. Not only cop. I thought title character of a novel.

I'll say this. Christopher Mikulski had a simple life. Christopher Mikulski didn't want to do what he did. Christopher Mikulski didn't understand when people told him no. Next up, another townie, Katie Caldwell. Katie Caldwell. I love that sound. Good name.

Pillar of the community, Dave Bringle. Dave Bringle. He's Bringle-ing it. He's my Chris Kringle. Dave Bringle. Isn't that the thing, too, in Madison? Kringles? The Kringle.

Yeah. Milwaukee. Grandma made a Kringle. Grandma made a Kringle. Sounds like she... Grandma made a Kringle. Grandma made a Kringle. Sounds like she... Grandma made a Kringle. It's in the living room. You're like, oh, and now the dog's eating it.

Grandma made a Kringle written by Dave Bringle. That's right. Another townie, Cindy Jewell. Cindy Jewell. The Jewell of the Nile. Callie J. Callie J. Cool rapper, maybe.

I love that name. That's right. Joshua Nakamoto. Hey-o. Joshua, the most Jewish-sounding name. Nakamoto. Oh, the most Japanese-sounding name. I love that name. That's right. Joshua Nakamoto. Hey-o. Joshua, the most Jewish-sounding name. Nakamoto, the most Japanese-sounding name. I love the two. Combine them.

Scott Fendley. Fendley. He's very Fendley. I'll say this about him. Very Fendley guy. What if he is a cop and he's Officer Fendley? Officer Fendley. And then next up, we have Shannon Stokes.

Who is a defensive back, four-star prospect out of Virginia. She's crushing it. She or he never wears shirts with sleeves. Mariah, I'm probably sick of the holidays, especially Christmas time. Griswold. Where's the Griswold? If your last name is Griswold, do you love National Lampoons? Okay, Mr. Grizzle.

Jeanette Rose. Jeanette Rose. Thank you, Jeanette Rose. Every Jeanette has its thorn. Jeanette Rose, Jeanette Rose. Thank you, Jeanette Rose. Every Jeanette has its thorn. Jeanette Rose. That sounds like the title of an Elton John song. Nathan Hopping. He's mad.

He's jumping up and down with joy. We have a true local, Matt Newcomb. He's not Newcomb in our eyes. No, not at all. He's Oldcomb. He's Oldcomb. Steve's cousin, Rebecca Kerr. Hey-o, from the corner.

It occurred to me. You know they're making a Steve Kerr documentary. They should. Melissa Whitney. My favorite band, Whitney. I love it. The greatest Melissa of all is happening to me. Teresa Jusino.

Jusino. Jusino. Jusino, I woke up for this. Jusino. I'm going to tell you this. Jusino, see nothing. Jusino, see nothing. Jusino. Jusino Jusino Jusino Jusino I woke up I'm gonna tell you this Juno see nothing Jusino Jusino

Jusino Jared Flick Flick it Just flick it man Flick him dude Matthew Morales Matthew Money Morales That's who he is

That's who you're going with Matthew Money Morales Who's coming to the party Spider-Man's cousin Who's playing poker with us tonight Matthew Money Morales You better hide the kids He's bringing his visor dude

Oh god Stephanie Speakmon Speakmon Yeah Not speak twos Not speak weds Maybe Spider-Man's cousin. Who's playing poker with us tonight? Matthew Money Morales. You better hide the kids. He's bringing his visor, dude. Oh, God. Stephanie Speakmon. Speakmon. Yeah. Not Speaktwos. Not Speakweds. Speakmon. Speakmon sounds to me like a Jamaican speaking spell.

Either that or the game of Digimon or Pokemon. That's only in Jamaica. Okay. This next name to me is a... Do you guys know what the term... Pokemon. Do you guys know what the term jobber is, right, in professional wrestling? A jobber is the person who's designated to lose.

You always say they're in a base-colored Speedo. No jacket. Nothing. That is exactly who I think Tony Monlock is. Welcome to the ring. Tony Monlock fighting out of Detroit. Champaign, Illinois. Tony Monlock is. Welcome to the ring. Tony Monlock fighting out of Detroit. Champaign, Illinois. Tony Monlock.

Monlock. My prediction for this next one? Pain. That ties together. Randy Payne. Thanks so much, Randy. Pillar of the community, Stephanie Sum. Do you know who Stephanie Sum is?

No. Stephanie Sum hung out with us pre-show for the All Things Comedy Festival that we did in Phoenix. She also came to my Oakland stop on the first Together Tour. Stephanie Sum. We are the sum of our parts. I hope you're great out there. Other side story about Stephanie Sum.

She ended up she had access to a hotel. I was like, oh yeah. We exchanged numbers and then she, uh, mass texted a whole bunch of people. And I was one of those ones.

She's like, sorry about that. I was like, don't worry. You guys say that. That adds up. Yeah, we go.

Uh, Andrew nickel, nickel, I've been down. I've been to the bottom of here. Oh yeah. If he leaves. Yeah.

And then returns. Do you tell everybody in the house? Nickel's back. Nickel's back. Oh, yeah. If he leaves and then returns, do you tell everybody in the house? Nichols back. Nichols back. Andrew five cents. Let's do one more. Ready? Townie.

Tom. Oling. Oling. Did you get the Oling? Because we need it for the we got to put it on the washer. There you go. There's one behind the washer. You know, I shoot all of my videos with an Oling.

Do you think his nickname is Tomo? Tomo. Tomo. Tomo. Nice. T.. Tomo. Nice. T.O., maybe? There are you guys, for all you Patreons who support us, we love you. We love shouting you out to the rest of the world.

Join the Patreon. It's only five bucks a month. You get great content. I think there's a bunch of different levels. Yeah. Oh, yeah. There's some. Some five, some more.

You can do whatever you want. Just check it. Patreon.com. Look up Dumb People Town. And let's get back to the show. All right, Daniel. Take us home. All right. Just check it. Patreon.com. Look up Dumb People Town. And let's get back to the show. All right, Daniel, take us home. All right, here we go. Ready? Yep. Georgia woman finds the worst thing living under

her bed. Sent in by the lady, Liz Haggerty, at Liz Haggerty. Is this going to make me not freak out about my own bed? Yeah. A Georgia woman investigating what she initially believed to be a piece of fuzz on her bedroom floor made a far more startling discovery when there were snakes under her bed.

What? What is this? Let me grab. Why does it move? What's this piece of fuzz that doesn't look like fuzz at all? Also, great improv name. If we were an improv group and one of you said this was your name, I'd be like, you are crushing it tonight. Piece of fuzz.

Fuzzy snakes? Trish Wilcher. Trish Wilcher. Trish Wilcher. The bit would become about the name. That's the only one. Trish Wilcher here. I just had a lot of dental work done and I can't open my mouth for him. Trish Wilcher.

I don't think you understand. She said she was My mouth is a butthole. My name is Trish Wilcher. Preacher. And I am here to pick up my kids. She said she was in her bedroom in her family's Augusta home. It's not my other home. It's my Augusta home. When she spotted something on the

floor. That fuzz that looks slimy. Before going to bed. That fuzz that looks slimy. Before going to bed. You know how hair looks like that. Yeah. I spotted what I thought was a piece of fuzz on the floor, went to reach for it, and it moved. Wilcher told WJBF-TV. So I reached more for it.

So I put my face in front of it. And her husband, Max, that's Max Wilcher, I assume, soon discovered the fuzz was a small snake and there were more snakes underneath the bed. Along with their mother. What? No! Which would be great if it was her mom,

but I believe it's the snake's mom. Wait, the mother was under the bed with the snake? Trish Senior. Happy anniversary! She passed her name down. Why don't women do that? She's Trish Senior. You're right. Happy anniversary. She passed her name down. Like, why don't women do that? She's Trish the snake. Snakes on her bed, along with their mother, the snake's mother.

Sam Jackson underneath. I'm tired of all these motherfucking snakes on his motherfucking bed. I may need a cardiologist after this, she wrote on a social media site, Facebook. Max Wilcher used a grabber tool to pick up each snake and place them in a bag. The Wilchers released the snakes at a nearby creek. I'm going to ask you guys, how many snakes did they find under her bed? Can you remind me where this took place? Augusta, Georgia, I believe.

Of course. It is Augusta, Georgia. Can I. Or Augusta Home. It is Augusta, Georgia. Can I go third again? Yes, of course. I'm going to say it's a significant amount. I'm going to say eight snakes. Okay. I'm going to say 27 snakes. 27 snakes. Oh my god.

I'm not aware of how many snakes are born at once. Three would be a lot for me. What's enough that you're like, we're in a horror movie? One. That's right. Thank me. What's enough that you're like, we're in a horror movie? One. Yeah, that's right. Thank you. One is enough. What were your guys' guesses?

I said 27. You said eight. 15. 15? Okay. A wildlife trapper confirmed the reptiles were non-venomous. Venomous.

Thank you. By the way, this guy, the wildlife trapper, or woman, this person, her husband was killed by a snake. Non-venomous. Venomous. Thank you. By the way, this guy, the wildlife trap, or woman, this person, like her husband was killed by a snake. Non-venomous. She's now taking it on as this is her life's work. He visited the home the next day,

concluded there was no more serpents inside after they took him all to the creek. He's like, mind if I use your shower? What? What? I feel like I looked for your snakes. A little trade-off. I haven't had a shower in a long time. Okay.

Okay, all right. That's the life of a non-venomous trapper. Why is the snake guy taking a nap? You guys got any oat milk? What's he doing? This guy. This fucking snake guy won't leave. I'll drink it.

I just need lactate. All right. This snake guy invited himself snake guy won't win. I'll drink it. I just need lactate. All right. The snake guy invited himself over for dinner on Friday. We'll end it here. The amount of snakes Trish Wilcher found under her bed in Augusta, Georgia is 18. Oh, my God. Good, Kelsey Cook. Good game.

Damn, you had a great game Guessing today 18 18 There you go That is the show Wrists of Fury Check it out on YouTube

Comedy Moontower And watch us commentate Along with Kelsey And then she's playing The winner of the whole bracket Also self helpless And follow her Kelsey Cook comedy

On Instagram Go see her live too Great comedy Trumpet Tuesdays. Did you have fun? So much fun. I love it. All right guys.

Oh shit. We got to get back to work. Boom. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Stick around. Make a sound. Calm your down. It's Dumb People Town. Starbanes Audio. A podcast network.