Dumb People Town - Kelsey Cook - Gimpin' Ain't Easy

Episode Date: February 28, 2023

Kelsey Cook is here to hang as Daniel describes a gimp man on the loose in England, Randy regails about a moody airline passenger, and Jason details the best (?) way to scare off Jehovah's Witnesses, and so much more!

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast jam With co-host Armand Dan Vendors, don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits the funny hits We are gonna take you down Stick around, make a sound Bunker Downey's Dumb People Town Hey Downies, welcome to another episode of

Dumb People Town Population U Population Cook Kelsey Cook, Welcome to the show Hi Showset How you doing? I'm great Thanks for having me back guys

Our favorite foosballer Comedian What a second Second favorite foosballer First favorite comedian Our favorite comedian Champion foosballer There you go

Whose parents are in The Foosball Hall of Fame And dad plays the trumpet So trumpet? Trumpet, yeah. And yo-yo man. Just a weird carny lifestyle. I love it. There was no other option than for you to go into comedy.

I hope so. You're like the only person who went into comedy and your parents were like, thank God you went into something stable. I know. That's seriously the way to go. Your mom's like, at least you're not like your dad. You're doing something smart. You're really figuring this shit out. Yeah.

My brother went into finance. He was like, I can't be a part of this. I can't even talk to you. That's like a middle finger to both parents and you. I'm going into finance. Yeah. He's like, enough of this clown shit. What an idiot.

That's his rebellion? Yeah. This isn't what we had planned for you. You were supposed to start your own cotton candy stand well here's the good news kelsey cook uh the world's gotten dumber since the last time you were on this show yeah and still keeps going that direction right i was like we're going through the stories that our awesome fans send us so now they send it because this is we've sort of changed it since the last time we did this.

Dan does the story. Jay does the story. And I do a story. It's not all Dan. So that's fun. So people send us stories at, at Sklar brothers at Daniel Van Kirk, hashtag don't people town.

And we're like, we're going through the stories and we're like, just at the end of October right now, it's insane that we have this crazy backlog just telling us that the world, there was a time where we once said, Dan, are we dan are we gonna have we got another guest and we're like are we gonna have enough stories he's like i'm at the end we're never gonna be at the end again there's just a backlog so that's fantastic let's jump into a story right now and then we'll talk about all the awesome stuff you have going on including good stand-up stuff so i have the first one all

right daniel start us off let's go by Jake Groney to at Jake Groney too. I want him to change his Twitter handle to Groney, Groney, Groney, but to spell it like Tony, Tony, Tony, like one of them is T-O-N-E-Y,

one of them is T-O-N-I, one of them is T-O-N-E-E. Anyway, I think Jake Groney one was taken. If it was, I'm going to be mad by him. This is his burner account. He's like, how dare I? Cause this happens to some people. I don't know if it was i'm gonna be mad by him this is his burner account he's like how dare i because this happens to some people i don't know if it happens to you i bet it happens to you you guys

don't have anyone else with your same name that you found right so there's gotta be another kelsey there's a jason sclar yes there is a jason sclar is okay what is the other kelsey so she's a drummer yeah so if you search my name sometimes she will pop up there oh we'll do this but then i've got a story we can do anything we do what you want say it go so they um for so my specials coming out um in a couple weeks and the production company had put together this like surprise poster for me just as like a congrats. This is cool. Amazing. Um, but whoever had put my picture on there, like they show me the poster and I'm like, Hmm, that doesn't look like me. I'm like, it kind of looks like,

but I was like, I've never taken that picture before. I was going through my mind. I've never taken that picture. So I tell my managers, they look at it they're like no that's definitely not you they go wait let me look they google searched my name they scrolled on images for a while it was her there's a like a fitness blogger in florida named kelsey cook that's also blonde no and whoever was in charge of making that poster just saw this other blonde girl and was like, whipped right by it. But also had to scroll to that. Yeah.

They wanted one that was a side profile because they made a like a foosball player out of me. So they needed a side shot and they saw this girl. They just assumed it was me because her name was also Kelsey Cook. So there are these promotional posters out there with like kelsey cook the hustler tour not not even me not even me and it's kind of they hustled everyone with that your abs look amazing in this day you look i mean it's insane you're like i've never trained my there's a couple other daniel van kirk's there's's one for like personal people. And I go by Daniel,

but personal friends and stuff like that and call me Dan. So this guy, I'm at Daniel Van Kirk on everything, but this guy is at Dan Van Kirk. And so he's gotten like quite a few followers. He's getting so many people. He doesn't tell anybody. Okay.

But if you look at the photo, it's, if you think that's me, we need to meet. So Dan. No offense to the guy. We just don't. Yeah. He sits a lot more than i do that's all the best dan you've been there have you been to ted drews in st louis please tell me are you insane so ted drews is the best frozen we've been together i've been multiple times i bought ted drews from the vending machine at the airport

so do we told you this story then you go i go like this next across the tiny little street on the same side of the street ted drews is like an institution in st louis is a little velvet freeze which was like a baskin robbins but a local one and i'm like why in the world would you have a velvet freeze next to the greatest frozen customer because they got sometimes the lines are so long spillover you get a little ted drews runoff let's get a little we call it the velvet freeze runoff so dan van kirk we call it the velvet freeze runoff so dan van kirk is getting a little velvet freeze runoff yes you can have it that's what we used to go out when we were single like in our 20s with like a really extremely good looking dude of ours like we'll get the we'll get everyone's gonna want him but he can only get one we'll get

the runoff and that's fine give us the crumbs yeah there's a whole there's a whole like mathematical equation about that in a beautiful mind where he's like everybody talks to her i'm interested in her i'm gonna you should watch it okay ready to do it let's do it thank you jake gurney guys headline there are fears gimp man has returned. Who? You heard my ass. Gimp man? Does Gimp man know Slenderman? Dude, this is nightmare fuel. It is exactly. He's wearing a zip up mask. Take everything you know from Pulp Fiction and put it on your neighborhood street late at night.

What? Jesus. Just walking down the street attached to a wire. Am I wrong to say, I don't know why I'm pointing at you. The Gimp is subservient. Oh, my God. So should we be worried that he's- Is he solving crime?

He's waiting to be told what to do, is what you're saying? Yeah, I'm like- He's a sub in search of a home. Right. He needs somebody to order him around. That's all he needs. Get out of here. What are you doing?

Thank you. Thank you. No, you're not crawling. You gotta crawl away. He's just coming over and over. He's gonna crawl away. Smell the glove. Okay, here's the story. A very sinister away. It's just coming over and over. You gotta crawl away. Smell the glove. Okay, here's the story.

A very sinister man. First of all. Is he sinister? Is he a man? That's a great question. We do not know if he's a male or female. There's no. Her management didn't know who was the right Kelsey Cook.

Yeah, we know nothing. Look, there's another gimp man. That's not me. That's gimp man with two Ns. A very sinister man dressed head to toe in a Gimp suit has returned to terrorize sleepy Somerset villages. This comes from metro.co.uk. Just showing up. Yatton and Claversham.

At some point, I know that they're older than us, but I think that the UK got bored and were just combining other names. Havers for sure. Clvers clavers and haversham is definitely the british but it's also the british shields and yarnel like they do weird sort of robotic robotic mimes work they have been plagued by the latex clad pest since 2018, who appears late at night to stalk and terrify the locals. I don't like them. Despite arresting two people in connection with the case, police are still yet to identify or stop the man known as Gimp Man, which means they arrested two of Gimp Man's friends, but they won't roll over on Gimp Man? I mean, is this like Andy Kaufman? uh what's the other guys tony clifton yeah yeah but they're saying this isn't the gimp man so i don't even know what they arrested the

two i think they should just arrest alan zweibel just to be safe just to be safe also this story ensures that it is definitely not me because of my severe latex allergy thank you you. We rule out, I mean, in terms of detective work, there's a large portion of the population. I'm out. And my claustrophobia. I couldn't handle. You couldn't handle the latex. Sometimes I'll see a woman with like a choker

or a guy with a tight turtleneck, and I'm like, how can you get that off your neck? Do you just start going like, what was the old Mitch Hedberg joke? Like wearing a turtleneck is being strangled by a really weak person. that's great uh it now appears that the shadowy figure has returned yet again to claim another victim when we say victim we just mean scare right also doesn't as far as i can tell and we'll get into it does nothing other than stand there yeah or maybe

like walk towards you which is of course thank you but i'm not about to do a story where like someone got assaulted okay okay yeah so so in an age where we're like really upset with people for saying certain things that are triggering yeah this is legitimately triggering to have like a random stranger oh my god show up so i think it's okay to run him over and kill him i i'm and i'm not in a bad way no not in a mean way not in a violent way there just you showed up in the neighborhood i'm not a great driver i'm gonna go over you then back over you then back over you again because i don't know what i'm running over yeah you wouldn't you might like it you've got glasses you have that way about you could be like i just i have a difficult time seeing things like gimp men in my neighborhood kira elston 19 years old and her

boyfriend were walking home after getting out of a taxi have the taxi drop you off i'm all in favor of uh i have friends uh friends of mine who are women and they'll be like i have the uber drop me off like three houses from my house just because i don't need anybody knowing exactly where i live fine whatever but if if you're with a couple and it's a taxi uh this person is pretty traceable yeah pull up to the house yeah also like we get out we want to walk the last is this like your parents and you're like at a mall and you're in seventh grade? Just drop me off a block. I want anyone to see that we came by taxi.

Well, they were walking home after getting out of a taxi in Yatton around 1 a.m. on Sunday when Gimp Man emerged from the shadows and started walking towards them with his arms outstretched. Just wants to give a hug. That's a big difference. One of them is very

like Lizard King, right? And then the other is, yeah, is a hug. Yeah, look at her. Reaching for breasts? Thriller zombie, yeah. Or the one to strangle you. We have a

photo that'll be thrown up here. I've already shown it to you guys. Here's an up close of Gitman if you want to see Gitman's face. Oh my god. Is this in the Marvel universe. I've already shown it to you guys. Here's an up close of get man. If you want to see, I'd love to get man's face. Oh my God. Is this in the Marvel universe? It's in the metaverse. It's scary. Yeah.

Okay. It's the GIMP of verse. Yeah, exactly. Uh, starts walking towards him with their arms outstretched. She had not been worrying about someone popping out of the darkness. No one has normal day to day life.

She's going to walk from the taxi, take the several block walk home. I'm not going to worry about it. She didn't worry about it because she was with her boyfriend, but he suddenly shouted, Kira, there's a man, as they approached a roundabout. I think he also said, do something about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kira, there's a man. Get him.

By the time we saw him, he was very close, and my boyfriend just told me to run. Ooh. Oof. Good boyfriend. So I think you can kill him. He cares about her. I think we can kill him. He was very close. And my boyfriend just told me to run. Oh. Oof. Good boyfriend. So I think you can kill him. He cares about her. I think we can kill him. I don't think that's like.

By the way, he cares about her. Have you guys seen. Do we have like a height on this guy? Well, by the positioning next to the car, I would say somewhere around six feet. Yeah. He's definitely 5'10", 5'11". Yeah. He's not little.

Yeah. He's not like 5'4". Yeah. That is so scary have you seen the documentary about the people who went to go visit the volcano on netflix and it goes off like it erupts while tour like there were three tours one was walking towards they kind of do them in groups right so as things go the tour that had just been up to the edge and taking pictures and stuff they were about halfway back to the beach and then the tour that had just been up to the edge and taking pictures and stuff, they were about halfway back to the beach.

And then the people that had just got dropped off, they were about halfway to the rim. And there was a group that had just started to walk away from the rim when this volcano exploded. People should watch it. Did they all die? I'm not going to give anything away. However, no, you know that right away. The first couple of interviews while people are like covered in like burned scars and you're like, okay, you lived.

Right. But I've wondered. Was the volcano satisfied? But I've wondered in that scenario, like if it was the four of us. Ron, like just run out of that. Don't be like, oh, Daniel, like makes you you come right no no no fuck that there's no conversation absolutely let's have this conversation while we're sprinting yeah yeah yeah yeah so i wonder for them like is do you do you try to run from get man together

or do you just tell your partner i don't care which direction you go just run get out of here yeah make him have to decide who to track i think you've got i like that care which direction you go just run get out of here yeah make him have to decide who to track i think you've got i like that too i think you gotta run together because i think two people can beat up gitman well then don't run beat up gitman your your your advice is not running if you're fighting because you're gonna then be tired when gitman walks to you um kira said that the encounter was the most terrifying experience of my life that's a quote adding another quote i've got the image in my head of him walking towards me and staring well to be fair you can't really yeah i mean he could have been looking over there yeah for sure he also could have had a wandering eye yeah you don't know that and he could be a she

i dread to think what would have happened if i had been on my own i i can of course yeah i'm still really shaken up by it as he walked towards them he stopped and stood with his legs shoulder width apart and his arms out like he was proud she said like he wanted me to remember it well that i felt like he had a broken heart like she also keeps this no i made that up she didn't say that she does keep assigning qualities and he looked like he was out of change dad left when he was five yeah for sure wait i think it looked like he was wondering why he couldn't trust people yeah or like she's also the type of person in the relationship with the guy her boyfriend like at a dinner party be like

so he really hates swimming and he's like i don't really hate swimming i mean he's just got this water thing that's when they eventually don't really have a water when get man gets caught he's like first first of all i'm not that proud but i would say also if you're out in a get man you better be proud like you better have a certain proud of who you are new boot goof and pride goes with gimping though yeah gimping, gimping ain't easy. As they say. His gimping hand was strong, though. Kira's experience isn't the first time the mysterious pervert has been, this is what they wrote, has been sighted in the area, yet authorities are still no closer to uncovering his true identity. How many times do you guys think Gimp Man has been reportedly, like had a report of him scaring somebody or being seen on the sidewalk.

Get man sightings. Since 2018. What do you think? Since 2018. Since 2018. Five years span. I will say that the big headline is he's returned. Inferring he did a hiatus. He took a sabbatical. Yeah. You know what? This is for me sometimes. I need to

study. I gotta, I can't. This gimping is so hard. Gimpin' ain't easy. Gimpin' ain't easy. I am going to go with 14. 14. Okay. Randy?

35 times. 35? Gimp man has been seen. 62 times. 62 times? Yeah. Terrorizing, they said. Since 2018, gimp man has been, has scared people yeah terrorizing they said since 2018 get man has been has scared

people are reported 16 times wow i'm gonna go nlc cook i'm good at these ones yeah that's so good oh yeah you were great you vibe on these stories a police search turned up nothing after sunday's incident and the suspect left no trace at the scene. Of course he didn't. Gloves. He's in a condom. He's full Dexter it out. There's no, nothing's getting in or out of there. Um,

uh, where was it? Here's father, Steve Elston, Steve Elston Yates, uh, appealed for help on Facebook. Steve Elton Yates is a,

Stephen Elton Yates is a long time. This podcast is a great author wonderful father amazing very nice guy brings the fact generous shows in new york brings pizzas brings me wine on my birthday i love steve the sweetest guy ever so the fact that this guy's name is steven elton and we can make a steven elston yates joke is perfect yeah i love it um so anyway back to steve elston yates uh that's kira's father he appealed for help on facebook that's a great well i don't know someone say as bad as bad as bad as being get man where do i go i don't know who to talk to i know i gotta sell a couch and

i gotta have a wisconsin-esque accent i live in England. I live in England. What do I do? I told my mother early in Facebook, I go, this is how I need you to think of everything you ever write. You're in a gym full of everyone you've ever known. Most of whom you've forgotten are in the gym. Whatever you say, you're talking to all of them. If you need everybody's attention. You're on a microphone in front of the gym? Yes. No, a headset like you're talking to all of them. Now, if you need everybody's attention. You're on a microphone in front of the gym? Yes.

No, a headset like you're teaching in a robot class. For sure. Whatever it is. Have you ever explored this on stage? This is very funny. Such a great idea. Really funny. Really funny.

So if you're like, well, I guess Mondays suck. Expect someone that you haven't talked to in 10 years to be like well oh yeah well my dog died and you've now got a deal yeah this is a fully formed yeah dan from behind the squat rack oh my god word economy everything it's perfect but yeah i really wanted her to like i'm like this is how you need to think of yeah dan it's perfect damn oh that's very nice but yeah i really wanted her to like i'm like this is how you need to think of yeah dad it's like it's like uh i hate mondays and then someone like from behind like where the dumbbells are is like you can blame the liberals for that right right like everybody sometimes i told her sometimes it's not even going to be what

you right wanted to talk about somebody's gonna like, you should have used a comma. And then you're going to be like, that doesn't have anything to do. So the dad on Facebook who's like, everybody, I need help here. Like, you better want it. It's a gamble. It is a gamble. And people are going to be like, he's not that scary. And like, wait, Jeff, you're here?

I didn't know your old history teacher who doesn't believe in the vaccines about to pipe it yeah you've always been a pussy steve elston like what dude i'm trying to help my time my old wrestling coach damn uh he went on facebook to find the man that he said he is quote on the hunt for him this is a total total dad. I'm all for the dad. Oh, yeah, yeah. Go Steve Elston. He added, last night, my daughter and I'll just do it. Her daughter and her boyfriend were approached by a gift man around 1 a.m. at the top of Claverham Road where it meets Yatton High Street, which is also perfect. That's an American accent.

He needs to give direction. Yes. Not past the blue house. Over by the roundabout. You know where that dog barks? Right around there. There's a lot of northeast, southwest involved. It just doesn't happen.

You need to stay close to the curb because people like to put their trash bins out. If you see a white fence on your left, you're facing the wrong way. That's not where Gimp Man is. Then he wrote, do not park in the roundabout. He's actually kind of smart. He then went on to say, could you PM me? Private message. I always go DM.

People go PM. I know. Could you PM me if you have any suspicions as to who he is? Also, could people in that area check their doorbell footage please? And I'm like, hey, that's a little detective dad here. This is what the Bobbies should be doing in England. Kira was absolutely terrified.

She contacted the police who didn't even come around to take a statement. So she said quote, and we'll get out of here on this, I'll be on the hunt for the gimp man myself. She will? Kira has had enough. I love that it's the most terrifying thing in man myself. She will? Kira has had enough. I love that it's the most terrifying thing in her life. Or maybe that's a continuation quote from the band.

I want more of that. Yes. I'm going to hunt his ass down. Oh, that's story number one. Story number one. Yes, I love it. Down in the books, when we come back from the break, I think it's Randy. I think Randy is me.

We're going to tell you how you can watch Kelsey Cook's new special, which, based on when this comes out, may already be close to being out. About to be out. We'll figure it out. We'll give all the dates and all that stuff, and if it's after the fact, she'll tell you how you can watch it. If it's before the fact, we'll do it. All of that is coming up. She's a fantastic stand-up. If you haven't seen her live, this is your opportunity

to consume the great stuff. We'll be back after this break. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Don't People Town. Hey guys, welcome back to this break. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more at Don't People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to the show. Before we get into Kelsey's special

and what she can do, do you say what she can do or what you can do to watch it? Listen, before we get into Kelsey's special and what all the things she can do.

She can be like juggling. This is weird. She can play foosball. She can do stand-up. She can make fun of her dad who plays the trumpet. She can read on stage. She can throw really far-up. She can make fun of her dad who plays the trumpet. She can read on stage. She can speed read.

She can throw really far. I saw her walk in here on her own. One time she rode a unicycle. So, look, all the things she can do, all the things she can do. We'll get into it in a second. But first, let's talk about Daniel. Please let the folks know where people can see the Houston show. Yeah, every Wednesday, Irene Tu and I have a show at the Lyric Comedy Hour.

That's at 730 on Wednesday nights. And then Would You Rather Comedy. Comics do their sets and at some point also get asked a random or choose to, they can do it if they want, but it's a great way for people like me to create new material and stuff.

You get a Would You Rather question on stage. I love it. And have to talk about that. Yeah. And then I'll be at Moon Tower. I'm doing stand-up shows there, a Living Wake, and a Live Dumb People Town. Live Dumb People Town. We'll talk about the guests.

We'll figure out who will do that. That's the 21st, 22nd, and 23rd of April. Everything's at DanielVanKirk.com. Everything for us is at Superscleros.com. But just so you know, Lawrenceburg, Indiana, we're doing the Lawrenceburg Event Center on March 4th. That's a huge room. We'd love to see anyone in the Cincinnati, Louisville,

upper Indiana. I think Indianapolis is close, but come see us because we really love this hour of standup that we're doing. So that's happening on March 4th, end of March. We just booked a Phoenix standup live. I love that room so much. The 30th,

very big room. Also big room, but we'd love to see everyone in our Phoenix people come out for that. Then a moon tower. As Dan said, we're going to be everyone in our Phoenix people come out for that then Moon Tower as Dan said we're going to be doing Dumb People Town we're doing Tag It

which we love have you done that show you did that show yes I love that was one of my favorite shows we did at Moon Tower you remember we did

that smaller what was it called the Velveeta room is that right no no no it was a different venue but I remember

it's so fun comics do their sets and then we write tags for the comics during their set and then pitch write tags for the comics during their sediment. People have walked away with great tags. It's really wonderful.

By the way, we're talking to the comedy store about potentially doing a regular tag at there, which would be really good. Maybe the works will let you guys know about that. And we're in Minneapolis. We're coming to Minnesota on May 18th, 19th,

20th. Yeah. Or 19th, 20th, 21st. So we'll be there and working on some, maybe coming back up to Alaska a couple of times in the fall with some friends.

So we'll sort of let you guys know about that. Again, still haven't heard about the nosebleeds yet. Fingers crossed we get to do another season of that. As of this recording. As of this recording. Hopefully this recording. All right, so let's talk about the special. How can people watch it?

When does it come out? Are you proud of it? Are you happy? How are you feeling? Yeah. So it will come out on March 9th on YouTube. It's called The Hustler. So it will be available everywhere on that day on YouTube.

If you want to get it early, it will be available for purchase on my website, kelseycook.com on Tuesday, February 28th. So exactly two weeks from when we're recording it but i don't do we know when this is coming out we don't but maybe we can adjust so that it we'll figure it out yeah get it out as close as possible no pressure no worry this could drop on the 28th so if that's the case that might actually work so hopefully fingers crossed we'll adjust yeah um where'd you do it so i recorded it at at Comedy Works in Denver Nice It's an okay club The best

Downtown Downtown club Downtown, yeah, amazing You know, tier one of the tier one clubs It's really, yeah It's so good It's unbelievable I did my album there a few years back

And it's just The best Denver crowds are so good And that room in particular It's got the low ceiling It just feels like you're being It's comedy heaven You gotta go like you're being comedy heaven you got to go downstairs to go to comedy heaven that's what we say comedy on state the cellar

i mean what a great just what a great vibe and great energy and did you feel that as you were recording yes so leading up to it was kind of strange because there was the stanley cup finals on the exact same night as the avalanche were in as the Denver avalanche were in it. So that's something that of course you can't prepare for. I mean, you pick the date of your taping months in advance. And then we find out, I think it was like a week or two before. And all of a sudden I'm seeing all these messages pop up like in comments, like I've got tickets for Kelsey cook special taping for sale over. And I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, all of my special taping tickets are everybody. And I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, get a bunch of people in there and pack it out. But the first show we did two tapings that night, the first show was fantastic. Such a great crowd. That is like basically what most of it came from.

Right. But then we had the second show, which you also hope is going to be great just to have, if you want to pull other things. And what had happened was the avalanche game had let out by that point. And so we got a bunch of people who were in a complete blackout. Oh my God. That were just because the stadium was like right, right, right by the club, like blocks

within the club. So people are just hammered walking around the streets like, well, what can we do? So there's, see that there's a comedy show. This poor woman is doing her special. We're going to walk in in our jersey yeah so we had two women who were i mean like three rows back like right women center right up front yeah and within the first five minutes of my set just talking to me just like loud no saying stuff to me saying stuff to each other and so i stopped the tape i was like hey i'm just telling you guys right now you know usually if this was a different show i'd talk to you we'd do something else but

like you guys either have to focus or get the fuck out wow like you got it what they do and i'm looking at them and you can just see like nobody's home right looking at your eyes over here one eyes over here and so i try to get back into it immediately start talking again i'm like all right we like they they got to go. So everything comes to a grinding halt. Oh my God. This is during a special taping. This is insane. I mean, yeah.

People don't know that like that does not happen during special tapings. It never happens. It doesn't help either. Yeah. So everything comes to a halt. They are so drunk that it took them like a solid, like five to seven minutes just to get their stuff and leave because they're dropping stuff they're like baby deer wobbling i could i was like trying to see where they were

they were still had this long walk and i said to them i was like a glacial pace with you two and one of them turned around and like gave me double birds and flipped me off and i was like this is such a weird i would have never expected this to be part of the special. So of course, none of that's in the special, but that's like the behind the scenes. That should be some of the extras. You can buy it on the 28th.

Make this your conversation with these drunk idiots. Oh shit. Extras. Oh my God. All right. Well, check it out. So again,

Kelsey cook.com on March 9th, available for purchase. Purchase it. This is a way to is The Hustler. KelseyCook.com. YouTube on March 9th. Available for purchase. Purchase it. This is a way to support comedians. Oh, that's right. Purchase it on the 28th. That's how you support a comic. It's very easy to do.

It gives yourself entertainment. Yeah. Thank you. I would love it. And I'm sure it's a great special because I've been watching clips of your stand-up and I just love where you're at with it right now. Thank you. So I know it's going to be great.

Thank you. All right. Shall we jump into another story? Let's do a story, too. Okay. with it right now so i know it's going to be great all right shall we jump into another story story too okay this one is sent in by our good friend carlene mcdermott at she be carlene she's amazing uh this story is for all of us who fly constantly and i would put it to you throughout the entire time what would you do i'm going to keep asking you what would you do if you were sitting next to this person are you guys american people no we're the dumbest you jump around we're the dumbest you never

comedians ever we didn't pick an airline because we have to split the money on every single gig and even an extra 200 300 on our flights hurts us yeah so we go with the cheapest flight on the cheapest airline and in the end we fucked ourselves because we don't get to bump up to first class we don't get to go to the lounge and we travel as much as anyone it's the dumbest thing ever we probably at least get the you guys feel like you should just start now though yeah we should i mean i think delta would be it but we fly south they don't fly direct to chicago that's my only reason I can't do Delta. Oh, okay, Deltas. But you know, you just get the Amex Platinum card and then you have loungers. Which we have.

Some loungers you can have. What's your airline? Delta. And I've got the Amex, the Reserve and the Platinum. I just, I did everything for Delta and Amex to try to bump up as many perks as I could. And we'll be right back with more frequent. Well, no, I asked because we're about to dig in.

I'm a Southwest guy. Are you really? Yeah. What a savage. They give you shorts. I'm a Southwest guy. Well, no, I asked because we're about to dig in. I'm a Southwest guy. Are you really? Yeah. What a savage. They give you shorts. Southwest guy. Yeah. They give you shorts.

I love it. Okay. Dan writes comedy for them. Are you ready for the headlines here? The headline here? Business class passenger. Okay. We're talking about a different business class passenger.

It's like the drunk girl at your show is like, it's my birthday. We don't care. We don't give a shit. It's her birthday drunk girl at your show is like, it's my birthday. We don't give a shit. It's her birthday. Shut up. Business class passenger booted off plane after warning cabin crew not to look at her for blank amount of time. We're going to get into it. I don't want to give it away.

Don't look at me for a blank amount of time. So have you guys experienced air rage on any flight recently is what i'm asking a couple years since i've really but i got a i got a buddy named nick who's a gate agent for southwest in uh midway and the stories he tells me yeah they said nick here in that he is a very south side chicago guy i'll get you a couple of polish sass before you got here i had a guy that fucking came back to the gate. I had to go down there. Dan's like, I want to hear all the stories. Dude, everything.

Give me everything. He's like, I walked this dude off this fucking flight. I go, hey, here's what's going to happen. They're going to kick everybody off this fucking flight, and the cops are going to come in here and drag your fucking ass out. Damn. You and I could leave real quick. And the guy, he goes, he looked at me, and he's like, let's do this, brother.

He goes, I go, OK. We step out into the jetway, and there's no cameras out there i go let's go let's go baby she goes i got more things to say because you told me you were done talking to me nick's a badass guy and so he's like he's just very he's just he has this sort of things they're like vin diesel things but real life like where he looks you and he's like it he's just very, he's just, he has this sort of thing. So they're like Vin Diesel things, but real life, like where he looks at you and he's like, it's not going to go. It's not going to go the way you want it to go. You're not going to go. I'm just telling you right now.

It's not going to go the way you want it to go. Dan, no, no. Here's my question. Can they, so we've met a lot of MMA. We've met UFC folks. Nicest people. Nice people. Never want to fight.

But they don't, they don't want to fight, but they like fighting. So like Forrest Griffin's like, I like fighting. That's why I got into MMA. Of course. So I think they don't want to fight in the real world because they're like, I don't want to do that. I don't want to get sued or whatever. Right. I think they should be the guys to come on to the plane and just be like, all right.

So I have 14 professional MMA fights under my belt. Let me just show you me in action. Here's footage of me in a thing. You want to step off the plane now? I'll take you out. And not mean, not imposing, because they'll be calm. Nick would never

actually fight. He's like the nicest dude. But he just has an ability to go, we're not doing this. Yeah, you don't want to keep him. You aren him you aren't gonna do that i love it the calmer someone is the scarier they are okay go ahead energy freaking gift man probably very calm anyway air rage is at an all-time high and this latest incident is no exception danielle dimatos remember her she's now double d dimatos sounds like a brand of olives that are too spicy for me did you get the tomatoes well i'm not putting them in the salad are you kidding me it's gonna ruin the whole salad this is like you gotta put it on the side you gotta put a new type of jardiniere all right so she's a software company concierge she had plans

to fly from sydney australia to honolulu hawaii for work however a series of moody moments led to her getting kicked off the hawaiian airlines flights so now hawaiian airlines they have a great new campaign where have you seen this like i don't know if it's because i'm watching the i watched the bear or the first season of that but i watch anybody who's a chef and i'm like i feel like i don't know if it's because i'm watching the i watched the bear the first season of that but i watch anybody who's a chef and i'm like i feel like i know them now there's a hawaiian airline scene where it's like there's this like woman who's a chef and she's working really hard and then all of a sudden like the walls of the kitchen open up and like they hand someone walks in and puts a lay on her and she walks out of the kitchen and on to the flight and then it lands it's like nice hawaiian airlines hospitality i assume hawaiian airlines is

calm you're going hawaiian airlines you better be fucking bullshit right you know what i mean it's like you're people are going to a nice destination according to the daily mail travel trouble travel troubles began upon boarding when the cabin crew directed the we're gonna get her age in a minute um woman to her economy seat prompting the accused to verbally abuse staff members the cabin crew then realized they had made a mistake so they were like here we go to your seat right here as dematos booked a business class ticket so this is what she's like you already started with a mistake on my part i know people like that who you know the second you make a tiny mistake they feel disrespected. Yeah. You do.

What's his name? What's her name? Shortly after the cabin. Okay. This is the chemical realized they made a mistake as D'Amato's booked a business class ticket and directed her to the correct seat where she calmed down. So you as a flight attendant, you're like, okay, they go back to the little drink cart in the front. They're like, all right, that bitch has calmed down a little bit.

Sure. Keep an eye on her but she calmed down Shortly after the cabin Crew took an alcoholic Drink prematurely So they took Oh she wasn't finished Which caused the accused to become

Verbally abusive towards staff members According to documents tendered in the Downing Center local court The accused mood changed Quickly and she was then staff members according to documents tendered in the Downing Center local court. There's documents about this. Oh yeah. The accused mood changed quickly and she was then apologetic and remorseful after this. See this is where you gotta be careful. These are all the stages of being drunk too.

This is, I feel like there's drinking with medication involved. Yeah. That might be it. You might have crossed the streams. This feels like personality disorder. I'm mad. I'm fine. I'm sad. Psychosis. Yeah. You're're the best i love you so much you're my friend i don't like him yeah to bring this person into the i don't like that part we don't look we don't like him come here come here come here tell him i like we don't like him no

i'm not with you on this let's dance It wasn't long before her mood shifted yet again. No shit. She was fine. Then it shifted again. She's a toddler. To me, this is like emotional turbulence. Turbulence. Turbulence.

In B class. As the plane started to taxi towards the runway, DeMatos began staring down the crew member who had previously taken her drink. Wait, we haven't taken off? No. This all happened in the seating. Oh, so she had a drink she got a drink as they're as they're sitting you know when they're sitting while they're

waiting for the plane to get loaded up or almost finished it and they're like we need to collect this to take off right she's performing the in-flight just as the woman's performing the in-flight instructions she starts staring her down. Now, again, Dan, if you're sitting next, Kelsey, you're sitting next to this woman who's just like giving her the freaking eye. Yeah. That's all it took. You don't take a drink away from this woman in no reason at all. The stare down left the stewardess feeling intimidated.

But according to the statement of the facts, this is where things get interesting. As a result of these interactions, the cabin crew advised the captain of the accused behavior. The captain formed the view that the accused erratic and disorderly behavior presented a risk to the safety of the airman. Well, it's only going to get worse. Right?

We haven't even taken it off yet. Yeah, this is where you are before we leave. And he or she was probably like, get her off. We can't. This is where it started. How long of a flight are we talking here? Because it sounds like a pretty long flight. From Australia to Honolulu. Right. No, no can't. This is where it started. How long of a flight are we talking here? Because it sounds like a pretty long flight. From Australia to Honolulu.

No, no, no. But also, you're over water. There's no life. Yeah, yeah. We've got to make sure everybody's in an okay mindset. I'm guessing that's about a seven-hour flight. The captain decided it was best to return the aircraft to the terminal and offload to Mattis.

So, you're on the flight. You know it's going to be a long flight. And now you're returning back to the terminal. Because of Crazy crazy lady i would allow the passengers to everyone to get a shot in just one one just pop in the back of the head not hard but just enough yeah like a snack like you dummy like you dummy like a bad kid like yeah we're just a low-key like hit the shoulder as you walk by yeah hit her hard enough you've got the big backpack yeah swing that one over I don't want to hurt anybody but I want him to go

hey whoa hey yeah break her nose like by mistake with like the well that's a harder turn another with a backpack we just want to rough around here like let's like make her bleed and like make me go back to Jason rolls I wanted to kill the man I'm getting out all kinds of

Jay goes too hard It's the selfishness of both people In these two stories The fact that you're carrying out something That you think has no effect on anyone else Yet it has an effect on everybody And go, Danielle We're going to Hawaii

Let's just chill the fuck out Bitch be cool If we're flying to hawaii yeah let's just calm down the fuck out daniel de mattis be cool bitch be cool if we're flying to pittsburgh or anywhere in florida you could be mad see some shorter like oh what who know you could be going you know we're going to hawaii this is where you don't need on pittsburgh but like it's not it's not the relaxation destination i'm not a rooting for roofies but if i was like a thing i'd be like just knock her out like give her a roof give her like give her three xanax in a thing on the borderline of like an overdose but enough to just give her back the drink jay goes to we can pump her stomach later this is where you bring samuel jackson on the

plan he's like bitch be cool bitch be cool it's that's it say what again seven or eight dan seven or eight i'm not saying stomach pump, but I'm saying like out for like enough hours to make her family. So another female cabin approached her to explain what was going on. And you can imagine that was not well received. Now, during this, she placed her hand on the accused shoulder to calm her. The stewardess placed her hand on the shoulder which caused the accused to act aggressively towards the crew member the statement said you don't put your hands on a person who's like locked in a death stare with somebody else de santos time on the plane lasted

all of how many minutes her her total time start before she was kicked off business class you got to figure she got on at least one first or second group right and they're more making it to the runway so that means everybody boarded and they were theoretically about to take off i'm gonna say 22 minutes okay jay what do you think 41 46 minutes. One of you is one minute off. So we get to switch up or down. I'm going to go Michael Jordan. 23. What do you think?

40. 40. What do you think? 45. Okay. That feels good. One of you is exactly right. There we go.

DeSanto's time on the plane lasted all of 45 minutes. I told you it felt right when you said it. Kelsey Cook is good at this. She's on fire. Before Hawaiian Airlines Airport, operations staff came on board to order Ms. DeMattos to leave the aircraft upon refusal to vacate the plane. They called airport police for help.

She said no. Airport police. Look, if you follow me enough, you know how I feel about current state of affairs. However, there are plenty of police officers that at least get to do something good. Right. Where they're like, oh, we're here to help. Whatever it is.

Right. If you're airport police, it's never good. There's never anything. Yes. Maybe every once in a while you're getting to help find a lost kid. You're never going to get a cat off the wing. That's not going to happen. There's no part of it that is ever like, oh, what do you need us for?

Oh, wonderful. We'll be right there. And I'm sure they will be right there, but it's never fun. Someone baked us a cake that we're all going to eat? What? Awesome. So Australian federal police officers came to take Dementos away. She was belligerent, but eventually walked off the plane on her own accord.

So they got her to walk off on her own accord. Dementos actually delayed the flight for more than how long? This is where I'm like, well, she's on for 45 minutes. How long did it delay the flight? Because you know it could then go on for so much longer. Yeah, you lose your place in line. Then you got to get into it. Once they get her off, they still have to do a report. Then they have to get her bag off underneath find her no let that shit go

that should just go to hawaii gone you you now go through the system yeah we're not going to deny your bag this trip so we're talking about how we're talking about how much time from when she got kicked off yeah to when they took so just how long did she delay they were supposed to take off at three they took i'm Just overall, how long did she delay the flight? They were supposed to take off at 3. They took off. I'm going to say 4.30. An hour and a half. What do you think?

Three hours. What do you think? Three hours is nice. 40 minutes. 40 minutes. Okay. It caused the flight to be late for more than an hour. Just an hour.

She's right again. I'm in between you. Upon deliberation, she was arrested and charged. D'Amato's pled guilty to one count of behaving in an offensive or disorderly manner. I didn't even know that was a thing. Affecting safety when she appeared before the magistrate. This is such a great name for a magistrate. Theo Savardis.

Theo Savardis? T-H-E-O-T-S-A-V-D-A-R-I-D-I-S. Sheesh. Theo Savardis. You moved on to the next round. Savardis convicted to Matos and find her how much money? How much was she fined for this whole thing? $1,500.

What do you think, Dan? I want to say $5,000 what do you think and that's not enough seven grand seven grand all right get your answers in townies she was fined $600 that's it not enough feeling was fed up there's an increase it's like a stress so we're gonna get out of here on this this crazy how old how old is crazy crazy crazy dematis i'm gonna go 42 42 years old yes knowing what we know about her she's in b class she got her feathers ruffled and she also seems to be by herself so this is her like eat pray love trip maybe yeah i don't know she wants to hike a waterfall. Drink, drink, pray, hate. Go into a drink, pray, hate.

Drink, pray, hate. I feel like that would have been my guess. I'm going to say 44. Dan, that's the dumb people down version of eat, pray, love. Just drink, pray, hate. I'm going to say she's 36. Okay. One of you is exactly right.

Now, do you want to guess who's exactly right? Do you want to stay with you? Well, I feel like it's in the 40s, so I'm going to go 40. I'm sticking with myself. Okay, you said 42, and you said 44. And are you going to stay with 36? Okay, get your answers in townies, because Drea DeMatteo. No, that's wrong.

Danielle. Drea DeMatteo. Danielle DeMatteo, software company, concierge, who had plans to go from Sydney, Australia to Honolulu for work. This is a work trip now. This isn't her. And got thrown off the plane after 45 minutes and keeping it delayed for an hour and really upsetting everybody.

I hope she gets fired, too. Is 36 years old. Whoa! Fire her. Fire her. I'm sure she's not.'s constant that is crazy and you would be so mad and that would be your daniel i know you that would be your opening 10 minutes uh of your set oh my god whatever you did would be on this crazy bitch at the blue note that night right let's go and have a fully formed bit and have a full dan would have a fully formed bit ready to go jay

give us a little taste of what we're going to hear in segment three uh an interesting way to chase away a jehovah's witness great i love it okay we're always looking for those new ways all you have to do is shut the door i know i'm going to remind you once again kelsey cook's special the hustler is available for purchase on our website on february 28th if this drops on the 28th go get it right now get in between this break pick it up and then you can watch right after. Even if it's out wide on YouTube, I bet you could share it. Out wide on YouTube on March 9th. If you're watching this on YouTube, just hop over and watch that too, but I say purchase it.

We'll be right back with more Dumb People Town right after this. Hey guys, welcome back to the show. Let's do story number three. Here's the headline. Naked woman chases jehovah's witness off her porch down the street yelling quote succumb to my devil vagina magic okay i love the whole story i don't know if i need to do the story i know it sounds like he's doing a mad gap i know did you call it a mad gap gab oh mad i always hear mad lib mad yeah it is

i thought i heard Mad Gap and that also could be describing her. Sure. This was sent in by David P. Fournier at DP Fournier 2. Nice. This is the first time I think David Fournier is. Thank you, David. This is from Fillmore, California. Brandy Williams. Do you know where Fillmore is?

Fillmore is where we shot Bubble Boy. That's right. So not far from here. Not far from here. It's like up by Magic Mountain. Seamy Valley. You kind of take. Not far from here. It's like up by Magic Mountain. You kind of take off and go up around. Brandy Williams don't want Brandy Billy. Brandy. Brandy is always a little... A little... This name doesn't shock me.

When your name is alcohol, you're going to have problems. Brandy Williams. You know my daughter, Cognac. I went to high school with a Brandy and she wouldn't let me into her party. Brandy. Old Schnapps McGee. The nicest Brandy we ever met.

The coolest Brandy we ever met. Brandy Chastain from the U.S. Olympic women's soccer team. The coolest. Yeah, she's holding up the average of Brandy. And Brandy who didn't let me into her party. We're good friends now. I'd rather say Brandy Carlisle. Maybe I take it back.

There's some high averages, but then there's some wild. It's like Sherry. You got your O'Terrys, but then you also got Sherry. Sherry. Jane and I were on a golf course in St. Louis. As soon as I said it. And we drove by another golf course that was going a different way. And this is the only piece of the conversation we heard.

One guy saying to another guy. One guy, first of all, he's wearing cut-off jean shorts. And no shirt. No shirt on golf course. Drinking a beer. Drinking a Bud Light. Is it Bert Kreischer? Yeah.

Or anybody in St. Louis. He says, this is the only part of this conversation we heard, and we repeated this for decades. He goes, well, that's Sherry for you. Which is all you need to know. That's Sherry for you. What did she do again? She set the carnival on fire. I'm like, I get Sherry for ya That's Sherry for ya What did she do again? She set the carnival on fire I'm like I get Sherry

In that one comment I get it She got drunk and fell asleep at work That's Brandy for ya The two women at your special Probably a Sherry Sherry and Brandy Succumb to my demon vagina Death magic

My devil vagina magic. She was taken to Ventura County Jail after an altercation involving two Jehovah's Witnesses. Ms. Williams was seen running naked after the two young men on bicycles who were going door to door to spread the message of Christ in her neighborhood. She saw the men about three houses away from hers and decided

right then and there to strip off her clothes. So you only know that if she says that or someone's in the living room with her. Give these guys a piece of memory they will not soon forget. Give these guys a piece of her vagina. Unlocked. This is what the sheriff said. You didn't need to go that hard.

Like, just answer the door with one tit out. And don't acknowledge it. Because they'll be too awkward to, like, say anything. God, I wish I had the fucking audacity to do that. And just be like, you guys know something to drink? Maybe some milk? And then don't even. Ms. Williams thought it would be funny to answer the door in the nude and shock these young men.

People do not like to be talked to at their door. You're allowed to answer the door however you want. The two men sat stunned on her porch for a brief moment before returning to their bicycles. They're familiar with folks they they are familiar with folks being nude but what miss williams did next went a little too far the men luke and john sorry perfect uh of course we're used to people being rude right slamming doors and even yelling them but for a naked woman to greet them at the door that was quite a shock neither neither one had seen a woman naked before do we have to put do we need to put that in well they kept saying it probably

and they didn't quite know how to respond i never understood being mean now this is the article this is dan i've i've done things where i was like hey guys at some point in your life you will probably and hopefully question all this and if that day comes remember this address and i'll answer any questions i'll help you get back to where you need to go that to me is a little like and i if they never question it and they live nice lives where they only treat people great and they treat themselves like go for it i don't care live your life yes but i do want you to know if someday questions creep in come back knock on this door then and we'll have a different conversation I'll say neither one had seen a woman naked before

Here's my tip They didn't know how to respond, come on Not to mention the strange erotic sensations they were feeling for the first time as well Shut up How do you know that? That's in the article That is in the article It's way too much

It was quite obvious that their message was not going to be heard. This person's taking some liberties with this article. That it was time to move on to the next one. When the men returned to their bikes, Brandy wasn't done yelling or trying to get under their skin. With all of her skin,

a nude Brandy started speaking of her vagina and the devil's magic at contend. Take a good look at my P-U-S-S-Y. We can say it. Pussy. Succumb to my devil vagina magic. I'm more at my P-U-S-S-Y. We can say it. Pussy. Succumb to my devil vagina magic. I'm more offended by P-U-S-S-Y. It does feel.

That feels terrible. That was the pussy way out to say that. I knew it. But that is how they spell it. P, then an asterisk, then S-S-Y. Succumb to my devil vagina magic. This got the attention of the pair of men. That got the attention?

Hang on a second is there devil's magic going on down there so then they began to fear what may happen next and began to pedal away so they were cool with this naked woman answering the door well they say they get that a lot yeah all right lady okay brandy took off running after them but she did not make it too far as the neighbors had already informed police of an altercation involving their neighbor and the two young men, she was apprehended without incident after having their statements taken when the men were free to go spread the word of God. How funny would it be if as she's walking back, she sees one of her neighbors. Hey, Dave, listen, can you just take that recycling can back for sure?

I need a cat sitter. Also, I hope this is her all the time. Not even just for them. You're on a date with her, with Brandy, and she's like, well, my pussy is devil magic. It is full of devil magic. So if you guys want to see her, I don't have her age or anything. Oh, Brandy, I see her. Hey, guys.

Hey. Wow, that's exactly what I pictured her looking like. This is what you would think she would look like. That's exactly what I pictured her looking like. But you can see even in that mugshot, confidence yeah all right hey uh jim patty i'm gonna be out of town for the next couple weeks if any packages come floating on my door with her arms behind her back you could just take that well you guys did it you caught the brandy pussy man look at her she looks like uh like it's a chagrin. It's a smirk.

She's got a, what are you going to do? What are you going to do? What else? What were my options? Is her look on her face. She's got a devil pussy magic make hair attitude about the girl. She's got a devil pussy on my mind. I believe that was Beth who said that.

There you go. Story number three. These are great. I love it. And I always love goofing around with you. Thank you for the hustler. The hustler comes out on your website. Yes.

Kelsey cook.com. And my tour dates are on there too. I'll be in Cincinnati, Kearney, Minneapolis, uh, San Francisco, Denver,

Denver, and Chicago all coming up in the next month or two. Great. Love it. Go see her. She's wonderful. And if you're drunk and you're coming from a hockey game, don't everybody else. You can go see it. And, uh're drunk and you're coming from a hockey game, don't. Yeah.

But everybody else, you can go see it. And guys, oh shit, we got to get back to work. Stick around. Make it sound. There's more at Don't People Town.