Dumb People Town - Kevin Nealon - A Goat Named Voldemort

Episode Date: October 30, 2018

This week the legendary Kevin Nealon comes on down to Dumb People Town! Story 1 brings us a crook who tries to commit robbery using Scrabble tiles. In Story 2: this isn't Harry Potter, but a boy finds himself under attack from Voldemort. Story 3 is the tale of a man who cracked some malt liquor open in a questionable location.

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast Dan with co-host Our man Dan Man, jerk, don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits the funny hits So listen to our podcast band with co-host Armand Dan. Man, don't be a jerk. Because when the music hits the funny hits, we are going to take you down. Stick around. Make a sound.

Talk your downies. Dumb People Town. Hey, townies. Welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population Nealon. Population Nealon. Kevin Nealon. Kevin Nealon joins us on the show. The great Kevin Nealon. Population Nealon. Kevin Nealon. Kevin Nealon joins us on the show. The great Kevin Nealon.

How are you, sir? Thank you. Thank you for the great Kevin Nealon intro. I've been getting legendary lately. Oh, okay. Did we not? We didn't. We bumped it down a little bit.

We'll up it in posts. Okay, thank you. I appreciate that. Can we raise it up? Raise yours? Can we get a little more legend in Kevin's mic, if that's possible? I don't know that legendary, though, is a compliment. To me, it kind of sounds like you've been

around a long time. That's like a once great thing. We've seen all your tricks. That's like when people say to us, you guys work really hard. I'm like, I don't know how to take that. We're like the guys who have the most minor league home runs in the history of the sport.

It doesn't come easy to you guys. You work hard. And it shows. Thank you. You can really see you doing that work up there. No, I'm just, you know, riffing with what they said where you work hard. I don't think it's true. I don't think you work hard at all.

Wait a minute. No, well, I can't win here. Everything I say is, you know. Everything you say is right on the money. Well, here's what we believe. We believe the world is getting dumber. I don't know, or dumb is getting louder, or dumb and smarter. Do you feel like the world's getting dumber?

No, I think we're finding out that the world is dumber. They don't know, or dumb is getting louder or dumb and smarter. Do you feel like the world's getting dumber? No, I think we're finding out that the world is dumber. They've always been dumb. And now we just have more access to the dumbness. It's very front of plate right now. It's there.

You can see it. The problem is we're giving access to these dumb people. So we shouldn't give access. So we shouldn't even be doing this podcast. Well, I don't consider

you guys dumb. No, but we're about to shine the light on some dumbness and try and understand it by making fun of it. Right. And so our dumb boots on the ground, our D-Bugs, send us these lovely stories. And we've not heard them. You've not heard them.

Dan has barely read them. Let's get into one right now. Kevin Nealon is here. All right, ready? The legendary Kevin Nealon is here. Legendary. He's been doing it for so long. The dinosaur is here. The historic Kevin Nealon is here. All right, ready? The legendary Keven Nealon is here. Come on. Legendary. He's been doing it for so long. The dinosaur is here.

The historic Keven Nealon has joined us. The relic is alive. The ancient... I just blew all the dust off of Keven Nealon. He is ready to rock. This is sent in by Brian Fergus, at Brian Fergus, B-R-I-A-N. He is who he said he was.

F-E-R-G-U-S. Thanks, dude. Elk River Man. Main? Man. Man. Main? An Elk River Man.

Yep. A dude from Elk River. I'm going to say that's in Wyoming. He spelled out his crime and asked for all the money in the Beaudry Express cash register. He did this via a game of Scrabble. Okay. So he... So is he playing Scrabble at a bank? Where is he doing this via a game of Scrabble. Okay. So he... So is he playing Scrabble at a bank?

Where is he doing this? I don't know. Okay. He spelled out his crime and asked for all the money via Scrabble tiles. Oh. So he went into a bank... Instead of handing a note that says,

I have a gun. Or saying it. Here's a guy who's not in a hurry. Not at all. He walks up to me and says, can we just one sec? I got to get this. Let me. How bad would it have been if he almost had it completed and he goes, I need a vowel.

Or he used a blank one. A blank space. You have to figure out. That is a wild one. I can use that for anything. I won't get the points, but. Did he put it on the little grid? The holder?

The holder and then turned it around when he was done? I don't get the points, but... Did he put it on the little grid? The holder? The holder, and then turned it around when he was done? I don't know. I hope that he had that Crown Royal bag that they all come in and jumped those out. Then he had to move it around. But Kevin's idea of the reveal is kind of... That's dramatic. He grabs it opposite hand so that he can spin it around. And be like, huh?

Here we go. But if she write out no with the two extra ones. And she was on triple word score, so now he owes her three times. Damn. In a game of Scrabble, an elk river man would have gotten at least 14 points for the word. I love that the person who wrote this is like, how much? Let me figure that out. Give me your money.

I don't know if you even said all that. In the game of life, however, Brian Groth, G-R-O-T-H. By the way, very good wine. Very Groth. Brian Groth is looking at up to two and a half years in prison and a $5,000 fine. Groth was charged on August. If the judge were funny, he would say, we're going to triple that fine. I didn't realize Scrabble came with fines. Me neither.

You're not playing it the right way. It's a hardcore way to play it. Goth was charged on August 22nd in Shelburne County 10th District Court with attempted robbery after he held up a convenience store clerk with a Scrabble tray filled with the letters robbery. So now they're like, you're doing it? It just said R-O-B-B-E-R-Y. There's one happening somewhere? I know.

I know. And do you think that he was like... Or these prices are highway robbery. Sometimes people say that. He either got this idea and did it as a dick or got this idea and thought he was a genius. Are there exclamation points in Scrabble? No. There's no punctuation.

Delivery of it. Yeah, but the idea of... He raises eyebrows when he turned it. That's an exclamation point. But he's committed that he can't say anything. Can't say a word. He's like, I do my talking through the tiles. I do my talking through the tiles.

Talk to the tiles? Did he have the gloves on so that fingerprints wouldn't be all over the tiles? 100%. No, I don't know. He's so great if he had- Oh, you weren't there. No. Dan was not there.

This took place at about 8.30 p.m. That is early for a convenience store robber. That's a bold move. That shift is not used to getting robbed. The midnight graveyard shift

is like... Element of surprise. Element of surprise. I like it. And it's gravel. Everything was surprise. It was the element of gravel. Because if you're working

at a convenience store at like 3.27 in the morning, anyone who walks in, you're like, we're getting robbed. You're here to rob us, but 8.30 p.m., you don't see that coming. I mean, if he does go to jail. Can you rob somebody with a Monopoly game? I don't know. How would you do it?

You can do it with the top hat and you can do it with the dog, but you can't do it with anything else. Couldn't you walk up to the counter, put a little hotel on it, and be like, you've landed here. I need all the money. How about you save that out of get out of jail free card? You hand that to the cops if they come to you. The Scrabble guy had that in his pocket. Wrong game. That's a wrong game.

No, if you're going to lean in on your board game getting you in and out of prison, lean in way ahead. Why not put a little thing in there, the little sorry piece, just as if to apologize. Here we go. This is what he did. He came into the store that night and approached the main register and placed his word tray on the counter, according to the criminal complaint. Spotted around. The Beaudry Express clerk from Elk River, who was working alone in the store at the

time of the incident, told police she immediately felt threatened, and when she looked down at the letters, asked him if he was serious. That's my favorite part. Yeah. He set it up, and the person's like, this is real? Because. And he's like. Did he have another tray with yes on it?

He had all prepared trays. Are they glued on? I don't know. They have to be glued on. Well, you can get the Y and the E out of robbery. I'm trying to think of what other words. He spelt it R-O-B-U-R-Y. Yes, 100%.

Robbery. Robbery. Is that rubbery? I don't understand what you're... No, I meant burberry. Burberry. Oh, do you have

no burberry here? No burberry. Oh, man. Convenience store. Groth told her, quote, take all the money out of the till.

Well, if you're going to start talking, why are we even doing the goddamn Scrabble thing in the first place? You pick a choice, like pick a communication plane right he should have made up his own crossword puzzle that they have to fill out that if they do correctly says i'm trying to

rob you nine down is he in prison now playing scrabble he has to be right he's had a hard scrabble life first thing is robbery it has to be you say he had a hard scrabble life hard scrabble upbringing she asked him him again, are you serious? Then he said, ha ha, I got you and picked up his letter tray and his letters that were glued to it and walked out of the store. There you go. Oh, so he didn't rob them.

He tried. He tried to. She kept asking are you serious and then he called an audible on his own crime and went ha ha ha, I got you and then grabbed the tray. The tiles were glued to the tray. So now you've ruined a game of Scrabble. Will he get two years for that?

He could get two years. Two and a half and a $5,000 fine. I doubt he gets the full time. There's a convenience store. How tall was he? What color? I have no idea. On the doorway, there's different colors for height.

Oh, yeah, there is. What is that about? I'm red. I'm in the red. Are you the red? Nealon, you're tall. You're red, there's different colors for height. Oh, yeah. There is. What is that about? I'm red. What is that? I'm in the red. Are you in the red? Nealon, you're tall. You're red alert.

You are in the red. Wait. What is that, by the way? That's door frame. Top of the door frame. Is it so? Top of the door frame. It's either red or it's blood.

I'm not sure. Maybe it's my own blood. It is red because guys just keep hitting their head on the thing. The clerk said she did not give the man any money, and she gave police a detailed description of the man, which included a stick-on fake tattoo of lips on his right cheek. Rolling Stones. I know.

He's a big fan. He had just come from the concert. Start him up. So this guy, that means he either, in addition to being like, here's the best way to rob somebody, I'm going to just put in these tiles in front of him. By the way. If they get it, I'll get the money.

If they don't get it, I can be like, oh, I was joking. Obviously, you robbed somebody. And I'll throw off a way to identify me by putting a fake tattoo on my face. Meaning you take it off and then no one will know it's you. Yeah. The truth of the matter is we worked, Jason and I, at gas stations that had convenience stores in them, summer between our senior year of high school and college. And

this woman just standing up to a guy is far, like, that shows far more initiative than anybody who worked at the convenience store. You guys have never been mugged, right? No, we've not been mugged. Have you, Kevin? Have you been mugged? No. Me either. I've mugged people. That's a given, I feel like. Even all your years living in New York? No, we've not been mugged. Have you been mugged? No. Me either. I've mugged people. That's a given, I feel like.

Even all your years living in New York? No. Because I have a good sense of, you know, I have good instinct. I stay out of the bad places. That's it. But I mean, okay, so SNL, your days of SNL, you come out of the party, it's like five in the morning,

six in the morning. It's a rough time wherever you are in there. You're going to probably encounter some people at that point in time. Never. That never happened. He mugged them.

He mugged them. He talked to those people. So you made money. I was lucky. I was lucky. If someone came in to me and said, give me everything in the register

when I was working at the gas station and I was alone, I'd be like, okay, what else do you want? You want some food? You want a Sprite? You want a lotto? You want a lotto?

You want a lotto ticket? You should get the lotto. You want some Benson & Hedges menthol ultralight 100 cigarettes? I got those. Get those. All of them. The scholars knew everybody's cigarettes before. When they'd walk in, you'd be standing there and be like, Marlboro Redbox.

Nurse, I'm like Eve 120s. Come on. I got you. Elk River Police viewed surveillance video which captured the suspect and the green Chevy Lumina that he left in. If you are going to rob a convenience store, a green Chevy

Lumina is too memorable. It's a little thing we call nondescript. That's how they sell that car on TV. How would you describe it? Very nondescript. We did a story once where a guy committed a crime in a silver Dodge Challenger with black racing stripes.

I'm like, that's too... Dummy. You need a Toyota Camry from 2001 to 2004. That's your car. Toyota Camry is like a ghost of a car. You're like,

was that parked here? How did he leave? I don't remember how. I watched him leave and I don't even know what he was driving. I saw a Jeep the other day. It was,

I don't know what kind it was, Jeep Cherokee maybe. It was all chrome. Oof. Oh, yeah. I mean, how hot does that get in the summer? That is summertime. Somebody open the door, please. And also, doesn't, like, bouncing off that on the freeway, aren't you going to cause accidents?

I would think so. Yeah. That is crazy. I've seen that on a Mercedes SUV. Yeah. The boxy one, you know the one I'm talking about? The G500. The G500.

Maybe that's what it was. Maybe it was a Mercedes. I think it's a Mercedes. I've seen that on a Mercedes. It does feel a little bit too much. Come on. This feels dangerous. So anyway, they saw him leaving his Lumina.

On August 20th, an Elk River officer stopped a Lumina matching the vehicle description from the crime. And a passenger in the vehicle matched the physical description down to the fake tattoo. He still had the fake tattoo. Take that off as soon as you leave, man. What did you put it on there for? How do we know

it was a fake tattoo when the clerk didn't kiss him goodbye or something? She said it was fake. Well, that's a fake tattoo too. If you have a pair of lips on you in prison, what does that mean?

Teardrop means you killed someone in prison. Where are the lips? Where are the lips? That's a good point. The driver of the vehicle was an adult female. Oh, a getaway. Getaway driver? Getaway driver.

She told police she let Groth borrow her car at about 7 p.m. to 11.30 p.m. that same night, and he told her he had robbed a gas station, but then told her he was just kidding. His whole thing is predicated on I'm going to try and... I'm just going to dip a toe in the water. This is like when a senator taps underneath the thing under the bathroom stall just to be like, are you in for this? Right. If they tap back, then they? Right. If they tap back,

then they're in. If they're not, then you move on. So he tests the waters. But then he tells people, what did you do tonight? Rubbed bank? Really?

Just kidding. Hey, give me all the money in the register. Are you serious? No. You need to commit to something. He can't even commit to a tattoo. How sad is it for him

on April Fool's Day? Nobody believes him. No one's ever believed him. You're not kidding me again. He's setting himself up for a lifetime of people not buying.rian groth crying wolf he was charged on august 27 he was charged on august 22nd with attempted theft which speaks to the individual who doesn't act that is a substantial step towards commission of a crime by taking using

transferring concealing or retaining possession of mutable property well they got really deep into this the The maximum sentence is two and a half years, so I don't think he's been sentenced. No way is he getting two and a half years. I just wish he could do... Commit, man. Commit. You're the person driving the car as a girlfriend he's had for seven years. Like, what do you want out of this?

She's like, come on. Shit or get off the car. What are we doing here? Will you marry me? Really? Just joking. Just kidding. Are you serious? No. Alright, I'm going to ask you. Ah, got you. Are you serious? No. All right, I'm going to ask you guys now, based off everything that you know, how old is Brian Groth? Too much fun leaves marks in life.

Living hard, you'll pay the price. Who is going to get it right? Guess the age. Guess the age. Kevin, you are a guest. You can go first, Tig, which is second, or third. I'm going to go first. Okay. I'm going to lay it down.

Can they match my age? No, they won't say the same number. We won't ever say the same. And it's closest to it. You can be over it. It's closest to it. I'm going to go ahead with 27. 27.

Why do you think 27? Because he's lived long enough. He doesn't have a job. Right. And he's just tired of it. Yep. Okay. go ahead with 27. 27. Why do you think 27? Because he's lived long enough. He doesn't have a job. Right. And he's just tired of it. Yep. Okay. So five years out in the world,

I'm assuming he went to college. Why? You really went to college? Scrabble. Just kidding. Junior college? Jason or Randy? Didn't we do an episode

of Scrabble on Cheap Seats, our show on ESPN Classic? Yeah. Competitive Scrabble. And the announcer described to the guy, he said, he's looking at his rack and Scrabble. And the announcer was just, what it always is? Yeah, described to the guy, he said he's looking at his rack and drawing a blank.

And we said, this is in 2004, I wonder who else is looking at a rack and drawing a blank. And they put a picture of President Bush. I'm going to say

that he is 22 years old. 22 years old from Jason Sklar. Randy says, girlfriend in Illumina says 22. We're all in the 20s right here. 36. 36?

36. He's kind of like... He's really at his wits end. Okay. He's like, I need this money. So Randy says 36, Jason says 22. And he's been with this girl for 12 years. 12 years? Illumina 12 years. Oh, I didn't know that. No, we made that up. Kevin says 27. Alright. Did I say

27? Yeah, you did. One of you is exactly right. Wow! Okay. Kevin, this is... I think because you asked us how old he is, you're probably right with a 37. Okay, so now we do the second game. When someone gets it exactly right, we now get to play who's right.

You get to guess who you think is right. Kevin, who do you think is right? So Kevin thinks it's me. Okay. Jason? I think it's me. Okay. Randy? I is right? So Kevin thinks it's me. Okay. Jason? I think it's me. Okay. Randy?

I agree with Kevin. I think it's me. Okay. Townies, get your answers in right now. We're going to get out of this first story on this because Brian Groth, the man who glued Scrabble tiles to a tray, as predicted by Kevin Nealon. As his robbing technique. Yep.

He tried to say he was joking about robbing, convening the store at 8.30, which is too early to do that, in my opinion, and escaped in a Chevy Lumina that he borrowed. A green Chevy Lumina. Borrowed from his girlfriend. Is 27 years old. Oh!

Believe in yourself. Believe in yourself, Kevin. That is the best answer. Nailed it, sir. Out the gate. Out the gate. Have you done this before? I could be a cop.

That's right. You should be a cop. We're looking for a 27-year-old. Sir, how do you know that? We haven't even done anything. I know. He's in the red. He's that tall.

All right, there you go. One story done. Kevin Nealon's with us. We'll be back with more Dumb People Town right after this. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Stick around Make a sound

There's more Dumb People Town Hey, welcome back to DPT Dumb People Town. We did Kevin Nealon's show at Laugh Factory. It was so much fun. You do a set and then you get interviewed by him. You do that every month? Once a month. Once a month.

Like on Tuesday, yeah. It is so much fun. Are you still doing the hiking with Kevin? Yeah, I do hiking with Kevin. That's on every Thursday on YouTube. Thank you. I love it. I love it. Are you still doing the hiking with Kevin? Yeah, I do hiking with Kevin. That's on every Thursday on YouTube. Thank you. I love it. I love it.

Do you always hike the same place? No. Okay, yeah, I didn't think so. Although I have hiked on the Australian Trail before. I find a trail that's close to people, that's convenient to them. And then you hike it. Where's your favorite place to hike in LA? You've probably now done so many different hikes.

I have done a lot of hikes. There's some good ones. There's good hikes on the west side. West side. There's great, great hikes. You know, Tem lot of hikes. There's some good hikes on the west side. West side. There's great, great hikes. You know, Temescal is a popular one for me because it's close to my house. But Solstice Canyon is nice in Malibu. Ooh, nice.

I didn't know that. Yeah. Very good. But when you get to Malibu, you know, people get murdered up in those trails. Yeah. And you are the one doing the murdering. Afraid to say so. I had that Scrabble tile thing murdered.

We're learning so much. We're learning so much. We're learning so much. Just kidding. Just kidding. And you beat someone to death with the Scrabble thing. Yes, with the tray. Because everything was tied to it. You could do that.

Yeah, it's a great show. People should check that out. And currently working on a show right now on a television show. Can you mention it? Can you say what it is or no? Yeah. It's no big secret. It's called Man with a Plan on CBS.

CBS. Very nice. On Monday nights, typically. We're about to start airing soon, I think. Okay. It's with Matt LeBlanc. Nice. I've heard of him.

Fantastic actor. I actually love him in episodes. He's so good. I love that show. If you ever had a question about how good he was on Friends, I say watch episodes, and you'll be like, yeah, you've got it. Yeah, he's really intuitive.

And then he's doing a totally different character on this show which is great which is kind of an old school yeah I play more the dumb guy right and he plays like the old school dad

who can't get with the new we own a construction company but I'll tell you sometimes we talk and I'll say you know Matt because he's the executive producer I said my character's

really kind of dumb in this one he goes you know I made a lot of money playing dumb can't argue with that can't argue with that I said you see that from me too which is really kind of dumb. And this one, he goes, you know, I made a lot of money playing dumb. Can't argue with that. Can't argue with that.

I said, you see that from me too? I'd like to see the same return on the dumb investment, okay? And he said, I am literally the man with the plan. So listen to me. Listen to his plan. And here you go. All right, Monday night, CBS. Let's read some names, Daniel.

You ready? Kevin Lammers. Boom. L's read some names, Daniel. You ready? Let's do this. Kevin Lammers. Boom. Laminate. Laminate. Only to be followed by Kevin Finnegan. Couple of Kevins. Finnegan, you win again.

Finnegan, you've done it again. Matthew Wendorf. And I'm going to be honest with you. I don't know if that's the same Matt Wendorf that I went to high school with. I want it to be. I don't know. I'm going to tell you something. I genuinely don't know. No one has ever used his first name.

It's just Wendorf all the way. The candied walnuts on a Wendorf salad is my favorite thing. Unbelievable. How about Corey Tavino, the Lee Trevino of Drip members? David Christensen. Corey Tavino. I'm playing Corey Tavino. You know, Golden T.

Golden T, that's my name. Dave Christensen. David Christensen. I feel like we got a short name. David is a Jewish beginning to his name. Could not be more Christensen. I also don't know if that's the guy I know named Dave Christensen. I feel like we got a short name. David is a Jewish beginning to his name. Could not be more Christensen. I also don't know if that's the guy I know named Dave Christensen. What if the drip is just full of people?

Your friends. Already are my friends and are going to become my friends. Elise LeBlanc. I loved you on Friends. Don't do that one. Naomi. She'll be there for us. She'll be there.

You know what I love about Naomi? No capital letters. One word. That could be Naomi Campbell. That could be Naomi Campbell. Or just like a future rock legend know what I love about Naomi? No capital letters. One word. That could be Naomi Campbell. That could be Naomi Campbell. Or just like a future rock legend. This I love. I know. Try it. I'm gonna do it. How do you do it? R checkmark

C-L Pollard. Do you think it's a name? R check C-L Pollard. R check C-L Pollard. I wish somebody could like see this and be like, oh yeah. I love it. They're just trying. Pollard. Adam Shre could see this and be like, oh, yeah. I love it. They're just trying. Pollard.

Adam Shreve. Port. Nope. There's no port. It's just Shreve. It's not land. It's landlocked. It's a Shreveport landlocked situation.

Adam Shreve. How about Joel Prinster? Prinster is someone who pulls pranks, but they're very tiny pranks on you. He's a Prinster. Laura Gianchetti? Yeah. Laura Gian on you. He's a princeton. Laura? Gianchetti? Yeah, Laura Gianchetti. Sounds like a name. Laura Gianchetti.

Like a law and order character. You tried it, or the best pasta you've ever had. It's like tiny lignora cattie. It's gnocchi stuffed into another, it's a Gianchetti. Dan Haloti. Holiday.

Halodot. Holiday. Dan Haloti. Dan Haloti. Hello. Christian David Johnson III. Sounds like a character that we would talk about in this show. Well, we have David Christensen, and now we have Christian David Johnson.

I hope that keeps getting punched up. I got this one. You ready for a long one? Yeah. You ready for a really long one? Go for it. Vin. Vin.

That's it. Now, that's one of the nicknames for my brother. What if that's my brother? Vehicle ID number. Vin is the highest level of a giver, and it really is. We appreciate that so much. Thank you, Vin. How about Josh Keough?

The Ty Keough of givers. Ty Keough, former soccer player for the St. Louis Steelers. There should just be a podcast where you have a list of names. And we just go out with it. Or you have different comics come in and see how they would say that name. Because I probably would say Josh Cow. No, it's Keough. I know you're right.

You're more right than me. Well, there was a guy who played soccer for the St. Louis Steelers. St. Louis Steel probably would say Josh Cow. No, it's Keough. I know you're right. You're more right than me. There was a guy who played soccer for the Steamers. Same as Ty Keough. Diana Rojek Sconard. Rojek Sconard is definitely a bookshelf at Ikea. This has to be Nordic, right? Or they're a Nordic cover band

for Leonard Skinner. There you go. Rojek Sconard. I want to give a very specific double shout out to Vin and Diana and Dan and Matthew. Those are pillars of the community

and city council members for Vin and Diana. Look, here's the deal. Do you want us to play with your name on our show? There's one way to do it and that's just

to become a DRIP member. We are trying to get up to 5,000. I think we can do it. We're trying to get Jan Flato his money back. I love that Jay, you almost forgot his name. I was going to.

Try to get Jake Flato his money back. I don't care. The fact that Vin and Diana are going to get to do a story with us. I can't wait. The coolest thing ever. Vin had better not have a last name. And then them, including Matt Windorf and Corey. They may not want to.

If you want to, you don't have to. We're not going to force you to do it. Matt Windorf can come to a meet and greet. He's a pillar of the community. So I'm going to get to find out if that's my friend. So for all of you guys who have joined, thank you so much. And for all of you who will join, we will thank you when you do so. Let's grow it like we've grown the Facebook page.

I know we can do it. And let's now get back into the show. All right, here we go. It was sent in by one of three Jared Thornbergs on the internets. Thanks, buddy. Sends a lot in. Sends a lot in. He's a good dude.

He's good. He's good. As far as Kevin knows. Or that Nealon already knows. He's a supplier. He is. At 00 negative is his handle. Thanks, buddy.

He's, quote, the boy that lived. Jackson Gessel. Jackson Gessel. With an X, too. So you know he's destined to life. J-A-X-O-N. Yeah. Jackson Gessel. Jackson Gessel. With an X, too. So you know he's destined to life. J-A-X-O-N. Yeah.

Jackson Waxon. I would call him Jackson. If you name your kid that, you want them to be in the X Games someday. Every time I ever watch the X Games and they're showing the scores, every person has the most unique name I've never seen. Or a regular name spelled in a stupid way. Yeah. But I'm like, did the name decide that this person was going to get into BMX Super Jump?

How did this happen? It's like Chris, but it's C-H-R-I-X. P. Q-U-E-V-I-N. Yeah. Jackson? Kevin and Jack. You know, my brother's nephew is named Tucker. Would that be your son?

No. Oh, I get you. It's, yeah. And he went to brewing school in Munich or somewhere. And he came back and he got a job just recently at a brewery called Tucker, which is in Tucker, Georgia. And his name is Tucker. He works at Tucker, which is in Tucker, Georgia. Really? His name is Tucker, he works at Tucker, and he lives in Tucker. He's trying to pull it all into one thing.

That's Mr. Destiny right there. He's looking for a wife named Tucker. Is it Tucker Carlson? It is. It's not Tucker Carlson. Okay, good. Jackson Gessel earned the Harry Potter moniker after he was attacked by a goat named Voldemort on Tuesday, the Desert News reported.

So a goat named Voldemort. I'm going to show you a picture of Jackson Gessel, and he is exactly what you were picturing. Jackson Gessel could be it. Oh, yeah. Look at Jackson Gessel. He's 37. Jackson Gessel, his hair looks like the wind is constantly blowing. That's like a whole look, right? No matter that the wind

is blowing or not, it is constantly blowing from back to front. If you told me he has a lot of YouTube followers, I'd be like, yeah. Yeah, of course he does. Where does he live? It looks like he lives wherever he lives. Yeah, he definitely lives wherever he lives. He has that look about him. He definitely looks like he's from there. No matter where you say it, that's where he is. I don't know. This is from the New York Daily

News. Oh, he's in Utah. Okay. The 14-year, that's where he is. I don't know. This is from the New York Daily News. Oh, he's in Utah. Okay. The 14-year-old boy. Did you see that? You saw that coming? He's definitely, yeah. Utahian. That's a Utah look.

The 14-year-old was on his paper route. I just love that guys still have paper routes. Smithfield, Utah, before dawn, when the animal approached him in the darkness. Gessel first thought the shadowy figure was a dog. 14 years old, I have a 13-year-old. I'm going to show you guys. I don't know if I would let her on a paper route. He's 14? Yeah.

In Utah, in Smithfield, Utah? I don't care. Would I let my 13-year-old out on a paper route where it's so early in the morning that it's dark? Like when the goats come out. When the goats are out. We're talking about prime goat out. It just depends on the time of year, doesn't it? As to how dark it is.

The goats feed at that time. That's their feeding time. Three in the morning? That was when it made a weird noise. The goats are hunting at that moment. When the goats come out, you better be running. Kind of like a grunting noise. What was that old R&B song, The Goats Come Out at Night?

I'm like, what the heck is that? Now, I'm going to show you guys a picture of this goat. As far as I can tell, it is not a stock photo. But this is the goofiest looking goat I've ever seen in my life. So it's just a funny character. It approached you in the middle of the night or early morning, before morning, pre-dawn hours. So I'm a big fan of Wallace and Gromit, Nick Park. Did you like those Nick Park claymation

movies? Is this like, this could be a Nick Park character is what you're saying. I have a hard time believing it's real. Ready to see this goat? What's going on with this goat? He's drunk and he's crazy. Have you ever seen a goat in person? Their eyes are so

screwy. Yeah. Look at this guy. Crazy eyes. Look at this scary ass. That would scare the shit out of me. He's got a tongue out and eyes all askew. It's the eyes that are askew that's a big thing. Yeah. It definitely looks dizzy.

Right. Did you see the witch? No. There's a goat, a black goat in that too, which is also scary. Yeah, I think it's Black Phillip. By the way, if this thing came after you. This is Voldemort, guys. Yeah, if that king found you in the middle of the night, you'd be like, no, no, no, no, no, no.

By the way, in the middle of the night, you can't see it. Except like two crazy eyes going every which way. So someone, if this goat has a name, that means someone owns it. So that means they are not keeping good care of it if it's allowed to be out in the world. They made a weird noise, kind of like a grunting, and I'm like, what the heck is that? So that means they are not keeping good care of it if it's allowed to be out in the world. They made a weird noise, kind of like a grunting, and I'm like, what the heck is that? Gessel claims Voldemort headbutted him off his bike and then trampled him. Yes.

Was it his bike? Yeah. Was that why he got him off? It was Voldemort's bike? Yeah. It's my bike, man. It's Voldemort's now. My bike. It just freaked me out when it stood up on its hind legs.

It wrapped its front legs around me and pulled me off. So it pulled him off the bike. You're right, Kevin. It did want this goddamn bike. It did want the bike. And by the way, it could put two hooves on the front handlebars and still pedal with the back hooves. Goats are climbers. They are climbers.

Jackson dashed up a nearby tree where he hid from the animal, which allegedly began terrorizing other passerbys. What are people doing in the morning in Utah that they're walking around? Other passerbys pre-dawn hours? There should be no other passersby. I'm going to ask you guys, how long do you think the goat terrorized people? It says right here. It terrorized other passerbys for about, and then it gives an amount of time. So what time is this

in the morning exactly? I guess it's pre-dawn. It's dark. Pre-dawn. So it's like, maybe like 5.30, 5.40. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm going to say until the sun came up. Which would be how long? Two in the afternoon. In Utah. Yeah, because the mountains. Mountains. It's such a mountain.

Okay, so six, you're saying a few hours. All right. I would say he terrorized them for about 24 minutes. Okay. All right. I say an hour.

An hour? Yeah. I say two hours. Okay. Two hours this goat is just going to go. This guy's in the tree for the whole time. I think you're right because it probably didn't get light for a while. Yeah.

You wouldn't ask that question if it didn't seem so absurd how long it was. Okay, so Randy says two. Jason says one. He said 24 minutes. One of you is exactly right. So now I get to play again. Kevin Nealon, would you like to guess who you think is right? You said how many? I said two.

Jason said one. Two hours and one hour. I said one hour. Randy said two. I'm going two. Jason said one. Two hours and one hour. I said one hour. Randy said two. I'm going to say Jason. Okay. Okay. Jason says?

I'm right. I'm right. Randy says? I think I'm right. All right. The goat terrorized Jackson and other early morning passerbys. They deserve it for being up that early. Yeah, don't be up that early.

Passersby. For approximately an hour. Yes! Thank you. Still got a piece of it, Kevin. Still got a piece of it. Still got a piece. That was good.

But I love that we got two right in this. That's pretty amazing. The teen's parents, meanwhile, had reported the boy missing. They are not taking any chances. After he failed to return home from his paper route. are not taking any chances. After he failed to return home from his paper route, cops figured out where Jackson was when they got

another call regarding a boy and a goat. Yeah, we got a boy and a goat down here. We're on our way. We got a boy and a goat. Boy and a goat. 617. What's that? What is a 617? How long has the goat been there?

Do we arrest the goat? I think the goat's on the channel. For our next question, can we ask how many wives the father had? How many wives? One of them is the goat. How many moms does Jackson have? He's got three. Marissa Benson, Voldemort's owner, said her pet's actions were out of character.

If that goat looks like that all the time, everything's on the table. There's no out of character for your dog. Animals don't have a character. But here's the truth of the matter is, like, how can you argue with that? It's not your goat. She's basically laying out an argument that you can't argue with. What are you going to be like, no? She went on to say he's really happy and plays with the kids.

I've never had him chase my kids. Oh, you mean the people that he loves and knows? Yeah. Yeah, he's never bothered them at all? Maybe he's really happy and plays with the kids. I've never had him chase my kids. Oh, you mean the people that he loves and knows? Yeah. Yeah, he's never bothered them at all? Maybe he's in heat. It's like when you go to your friend's house and you're like, I'm pretty sure your dog's going to try and bite me. And they're like, he likes everybody. He likes you guys. He doesn't know me.

And those hoofs are painful. Yes. He's trampling. I once got in a fight with a goat. You did? Yeah, when I was a kid, somebody thought it would be funny for me to go in the goat pen at this farm, and they did not want me in there. I remember hind legs, both hooves come right to me, and I grabbed it by what would be its ankles. Dan, how old are you? Probably six. Oh, my God.

You're quick. That's pretty good. Can we guess how long you were in there? Yes. He just got out. He did. This morning. But Jackson maintains his fear is warranted despite what Benson says.

I believe this kid. No kid climbs a tree for no reason. X in his name or none. The embarrassment in his life to share this story. It's not like kids are going to embrace him around the old high school. If you get attacked by a goat that looks like that, you should have no embarrassment. That thing is scary. You shouldn't, but we all know how kids are going to embrace him around the old high school. If you get attacked by a goat that looks like that, you should have no embarrassment. That thing is scary. You shouldn't, but we all know how kids are.

High school kids? I can't wait to put this good picture up. First of all, if you've got any kind of animal attacking you and you've never climbed a tree before, you will have no problem climbing a tree. I know. No, it said he dashed up the tree. I'm like, he probably never climbed a tree. He probably ran without holding on to the tree, just horizontally, just up the tree. I'm like, he probably never climbed the tree. He probably ran without holding onto the tree, just horizontally, just up the tree.

I remember we were like, TPing somebody's house in high school, and we were chased by the cops, and I've said it in my whole life, I'm like, I've never jumped a, like a 10 foot fence, the way I jumped that.

When you've got motivation, you can do a lot. Hand on the top, legs over, like you were an army commander. I was TPing a guy's house once, when I was a kid, and the guy started chasing us,

and he was really fast. Yeah? And my three friends took one road, I took the other. He chose to follow me. Oh, gosh. He saw the weak leak in the herd. He broke the one up. He found out.

And everything was dark. I ran behind a house, and it was so dark. I couldn't see anything. I tripped on like a peg, and I fell on the grass. It was kind of wet, and I slid a little bit. I thought he was right behind me so I'm curled up in a fetal position

like he's going to hit me. And he found me. He picked me up by my shirt. He lifted me off the ground. Oh my God. And right then a little poop came out of my butt. It just pushed cotton.

It didn't come all the way out. It just pushed cotton a little bit. And then I went right back inside. He let you go? No, no, no. The poop went back inside. The poop went back inside. He brought me home. He brought me, no. The poop went back inside. The poop went back inside. He brought me home.

He brought me home. To his house or to your house? I gave him a fake address, and he brought me in, and he told the guy that, you know, your son has been doing this. And I told the guy. Go along with it. Go along with it.

No, no, he brought me home. My father said, oh, I'm sorry. He said that we were throwing stones at his window. Which is not true. We were just teeping. Because now he's trying to justify him chasing kids for multiple blocks. And I tried the tile thing with this gravel ding-dong I had on there. It didn't work as well.

You forgot to write ditch. So, yeah, Jackson maintains his fear is warranted. People are just like, why are you scared of goats? And I'm like, that was a freaky goat. I think it was possessed or something. And having looked at the photo, is it too far wrong? Possessed goat, yeah. Oh, that story too, guys.

Jeez Louise. I can't wait for townies to see what this goat looks like. And the dumb person in that story is the woman who owns the goat. Like her description of like, first of all, why is your goat out just roaming the streets? Your goat should not ever easily get out. This is like the woman, I mean, we used to do this bit in our act about, if you just type into Google, woman who had, the first thing that comes up is face ripped off by chimpanzee.

Which is more of a reflection of what Americans are searching for than anything else. That's what Google is. Woman who had. Woman who had face ripped off. That chimpanzee now has her face? No. He took it? It's like an update of the John Travolta. ripped off by my chimp. That chimpanzee now has her face? No. He took it?

It's like an update of the John Travolta Nick Cage movie. I'd watch that. As long as everybody was cool with it. No, she ripped it off. No, that's not okay. But this woman,

you can't treat your goat like it's an outdoor cat, which is like, just come at it. No, you can't. I mean, goats are not really meant to be pets. Agreed. At all. Neither are monkeys. Maybe pigs are border just come. No, you can't. I mean, goats are not really meant to be pets. At all. Neither are monkeys.

Maybe pigs are born. Like a hot belly. Is this a pot belly goat? It was a Korean pot belly goat. But the bone structure on a goat, have you seen their bellies are so big on the bottom? And they hang down, and then the shoulders

always seem like scrunched up. You got those prison shoulders. Watch like scrunched up. Yeah. You got those prison shoulders. Prison shoulders. Yeah. It's like, watch out. Just look over your shoulder. All right, there you go.

Story two, down in the books. All right, we come back. Can you tease us with what we have in story three? A guy, the cops tried to help a man, and he was determined to get arrested. Okay. That's how we do it. Kevin Nealon's with us. We'll take a break.

When we come back, more Dumb People Town. Stick around. Make a sound for more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to Dumb People Town. Nealon, are you doing any live shows? Yeah, for you. Are you on the road at all? When is this airing? In the next couple weeks.

I'll be in Calgary at the end of next week. We'll probably miss that, but I hope the Calgary shows were good. I'll be at the San Jose Improv at the end of November. There we go.

Let's go see Nealon there. If you haven't seen Nealon, he is so funny. I heard that club is fantastic. It's like a theater, isn't it? Yeah, it is. It's a beautiful kind of theater. Is that where Barrett

recorded one of his specials? I think it is. I will encourage people to check out, I can't remember whose episode it was, but other podcasts that I've heard you on

where you tell the story of getting SNL when Dana keeps calling you from Lauren's house. He did it on our podcast. Yeah, it's so, so good. You were at a party. Didn't he call you?

No. He called from a party. No, what was it? You want me to tell you the story? Yeah, just tell it. Yeah, yeah. So Dana was up for SNL that summer, along with Jan Hooks, who I used to date.

I was dating at the time, and we had been friends for a long time. It was one of those relationships where we were friends for like six years, and then we started dating. Yes. Pretty tantalizing. And she was up for the show, too.

I was happy for both of them. I was very excited. I was reading backstage live. And then Dana goes to New York that summer to get ready for that fall, you know, to be his first year on him. And I got a call from him out of nowhere. He goes, Kevin, I'm out at Lorne Michaels' house.

Guess who's in the kitchen? Bill Murray and Dan Akron. I said, you're kidding me. He goes, no. Anyway, Lorne's looking for one more cast member. I told him about you, and I think he's going to want to see your tapes. I said, Bill Murray and Dan Akron are in the kitchen? Because I wasn't even listening to the other stuff.

You know what I mean? Which is also a healthy way to handle that. Because it's great. Yeah. I mean, I knew I would never get on that show. Because I'm not a sketch player. I don't do accents or characters. I was just a comic.

A really good, good stand-up comic. One of the best around. One of the best. Come see him at the San Jose Improv. So I send my tapes and not thinking anything of it. And the next thing I know, I get a call from Dana. Hey, Kevin, back at Lorne Michaels' house in the back bedroom. Guess who's in the kitchen?

Steve Martin. I said, you're kidding me. No way! Anyway, you know, Lor get a call from Dana, hey, Kevin, back at Lorne Michaels' house in the back bedroom. Guess who's in the kitchen? Steve Martin. I said, you're kidding me. No way! Anyway, you know, Lorne, love your tapes. I think they're going to fly you in for an audition. I said, Steve Martin's in the kitchen? So the next day, I know I'm flying into New York for this audition. Are you nervous at that point? No, because I knew I'd never get it. That's it. It's a free trip to

New York for me. Everybody else on the plane, though, and everybody else on the plane was auditioning for that same role. Yeah, everybody. And they were nervous and they're pacing and sweating, and everybody else on the plane was auditioning for that same role. Yeah, everything. And they were nervous and they're pacing and sweating and these are professionals, too, you know?

Right, yeah. These are sketchbooks. You know, the Groundlings and Second City. So you went in there for the actual audition where you were like, So, yeah,

I go to 30 Rock. Yeah. I go to Studio 8H where they, you know, take the show. And I do my audition, a little stand-up and some characters

Dana and I would fool around with in the driveway. Do you remember what they were? Yeah. Do you remember it? And did any of them ultimately make it on the show?

Yeah. What was it? One was a couple of Sammies. Uh-huh. This was like a precursor to Wayne's World. We would sit down in the basement. We had on these Cubs jerseys, I think it was. And we'd be watching TV eating Chinese food.

And we were just big planners. We'd say, you know what I'm going to do with one day, Sammy? We're both called Sammy. To this day, Dennis Miller still calls me Sammy. That's amazing. He goes, you know what I want to do one day, Sammy? What's that, Sammy? One day, you know, I want to get a boat. I want to build a boat, and I want to just sail it around the world, you know,

and I want to stop and, oh, who am I kidding? That's another thing I'm never going to do. Give me some of that dim-squat swat by Sammy. You know, so we both exchanged. The other one was these two porno guys that were in the makeup chair, and we were just you know small talk hey what did you do last night

I went down to the movie and then occasionally we give advice to our fluffers as they're putting makeup on I put some

pinstripes on the side of that darling so you know just make it nice for the people everything is make it nice for the people

so anyway yeah so we got back from dinner last night and I tell you put some sparkles just around the genitals right there just make it nice a little target for the camera.

So those two guys. So anyway, so I fly and I do the audition, and I go back to LA. When you walked out of there, were you like, eh, not going to get it? Or were you like, I'm happy with what I did. At least I did what I wanted to do. I did all I could do. And it was fun to see that studio and be in New York. And I flew home a couple weeks later.

I'm sitting in front of Lorne Michaels in a high rise in Beverly Hills. And he's offering me a job at SNL. I said, let me think about it over the weekend. That's where I roll. That's the way I negotiate and get things. How do you think I got to this podcast? I don't know. It's a Tuesday and you're like, let me think about it over the weekend.

Six days from now. No, yeah. And then he saw Ray Threedy. He goes, well, you think about it over the weekend. Six days. No, yeah, and then he saw Ray 3. He goes, well, you think about it over the weekend. We'll see you in New York on Monday. So the next day I know I'm at Lorne Michaels' house in New York, and I get a call from Dana. Kev, I'm back at Lorne Michaels' house in the back bedroom.

This is in the kitchen. I said, I'm in the kitchen. But you know what I learned from that? You know, if you show up, you don't know what's going to happen. You got to show up. I mean, it doesn't always work out. Look at O.J. Simpson. He showed up for a number of billion.

He showed up a lot. He showed up a lot. It did not work out. It did not work out. It showed up a lot. Who did you share offices with? Dana Carvey and I shared for a while. I was next door to Phil Hartman.

Yeah. And Phil was amazing. We all know Phil and what he can do. But he was an interesting guy he was like a renaissance man every like seems like every

four weeks or three weeks he'd have a new interest and his whole office would be like about oil painting he'd have an easel there oil painting

no way the next time it would be like airplanes he'd have model airplanes no he's getting his license so he's got books everywhere or a guitar

the next week his guitar electric guitar he's learning the blues, you know? Did it keep him sane or it just gave him something else to think about? Or was that just who he was? I think that's who he was. He just liked, he had a lot of interests and things, you know?

And you did not. No, I just, you know, I just kind of lived off of him. Yeah. I will say what's amazing about him is that my kid, my son is just watching The Simpsons now. And every time any character he does comes on, he loves it so much. And you understand how that just translates to everyone all the time. What a huge time. And I love that story.

Thank you for sharing that. Absolutely. Fantastic. Last one. Are we bringing it home? For sure. All right. This was sent in by Andrew Otuplik at Real Deal Andy O.

Normally, Dan, I say you do not pronounce anybody's name correctly. I think you nailed that. I haven't even read it. Thanks. She's as sweet as Otuplik Honey. That's good. That is. You can have that.

She's an angel. She's an angel. A man who hitched a ride in the backseat of a police cruiser late Wednesday. Stop. How do you do that? Hitch a ride? man who hitched a ride in the backseat of a police cruiser late Wednesday. Stop. How do you do that? Hitch a ride? How do you hitch a ride? I don't know.

So the police are doing- It's got to be illegal. No. That cop should have been arrested. He should have been arrested. No, the police are inside doing their police work, and they leave the door open, which that's happened in the past. You get into the car and lay down.

So if they're not making any arrests, they're going to drive on. You know, Stowaway style to drive on He hitched a ride Remember that song? I didn't remember Ride, ride, ride The sun goes down Hitching a ride Yeah, that's a great song

Hitching a ride Ride, ride, ride I think that's the only words in the whole song I Hitching a ride. Ride, ride, ride. Hitching a ride. I think that's the only words in the whole song, but that's so good. I thought you were doing Boston kind of hitch ride. Gonna hitch a ride. Head for the other side. You'll get all those bits and more on this episode.

And they called it puppy love. A man who hitched a ride in the backseat of a police cruiser late. Don't walk away, Renee. That's aiser late. Don't walk away, Renee. That's a good one. You won't see me follow you back home. Some of those songs back then. Young girl, get out of my mind. My love for you is way out of line.

Better run, girl. He's telling her to run. It's like, you know, I am a predator. He's a pedophile. Get away from me. Better run, girl. Telling her to run. It's like, you know, I am a predator. He's a pedophile. Get away from me. Better run, girl. 500 feet. Like even the song, was somebody telling us?

She's only 17. Brandy, the song Brandy is just about a girl working in. You're a fine girl. She's working in a gay bar. She doesn't even know it. None of these men want to be with her. They're like, listen, Brandy, my love, my life, my lady's the sea. It's not you, Brandy.

Seaman. I'm into seaman. I'm into seaman. See, Jason and Brandy have no idea because they're younger than us you know all about maybe you're not that old but you know you're an old soul i run deep i knew all the words to these eyes before it was used in the movie super bad i was like well there goes me knowing something other people don't know i've seen a lot of love but they're never gonna see another love like i had with you these eyes have seen a lot of love

but they're never gonna see another love like I had with you these eyes are crying are crying these eyes you know I love that's the Guess Who I think

yeah it's the Guess Who we always said we wanted to be in a Guess Who cover band called That's Who yeah that's a kneeling joke that is such a kneeling joke why would you say that

I don't know cause you can sell that and get a huge laugh on it we can never get a laugh on it every time somebody comes up with a corny joke that's a kneeling joke no That is such a kneeling joke. Why would you say that? I don't know. Because you can sell that and get a huge laugh on it. We can never get a laugh on it. Every time somebody comes up with a corny joke, that's a kneeling joke. No, because you can twist it

and sell it as alt and funny and we just can't do it. You could tell that joke, kneeling, while you're reaching into your pocket like fishing something out and it's just,

it's like an aside. Here's my favorite kneeling joke. I met my wife at a costume party. She came as a slinky. That was her costume. I think she made it herself.

I thought it was pretty creative, you know. But I remember the first time I saw her, oh my God, she was coming down the stairs. She was taking two at a time. Good job.

You're right. Kneeling. It's a kneeling. That's a classic kneeling. Right in the Halloween season. He's in the back of a police cruiser late Wednesday when he ends up finding himself in the right place to be arrested. The officer found the man stumbling and apparently intoxicated near 17th and A Streets shortly before midnight. Where are you going, man?

Go away. Nothing. Nowhere. Tuesday. Nothing is not the answer. The man told the officer he was trying to get to his brother's home a few blocks away. So the officer- By the way, he's walking, so he's not driving.

Smart. He's not driving. He's not doing anything. It's around midnight, 17th and A Streets. The officer offered him a safe ride home. That's nice. Very. This is all very nice.

I know that area. It's down by the meat market district. It is. Is it down by B? Is B down? way, I know that area. It's down by the meat market district. It is. Is it down by B? Is B down? No, it's 17th and A. Oh, okay. When the officer, so he gets him in the car, he goes, come on, man, I'll give you a ride.

All right, I'm going to my brother's. He's like, are you mad? You don't have to yell. Yeah, be all right. Was it Foster Brooks? Yes, it was. Brr. Yeah.

Brother. Crimson and clover. Okay, so anyway. Crystal blue persuasion. We can do them all, man. I'll sing Ruby Don't Take Your Love to Town. I don't care. You don't care.

Dan, you don't give a damn. I don't care. Okay. I don't care. So then he gets him in the car. He's driving him to his brother's place. The guy is drunk. That's when the officer heard the crack of a can open in the back seat.

Oh, God. The man told him to stop, but he continued to drink his hurricane malt liquor as the officer drove. You get in a cop car. Are you not allowed to drink in it? I don't understand. Well, Missouri is open container. So this is why you might not. In Missouri, you can be the passenger and drink all you want.

What's wrong with? He's not driving. In other states in this union, you might not. In Missouri, you can be the passenger and drink all you want. What's wrong with. He's not driving. But in other states in this union, you cannot have an open container. In Louisiana, we were having a pre-show drink with a friend of ours before we were driving. Having him drive us to our show. We're like, hey, man, we got to leave. And he's like, okay, I'm going to go grab a beer. And the waiter comes in.

He orders another beer. We're like, dude, we got to leave. You can't drink it. He's like, oh, I know. And then he pours it in a plastic cup. And he's like, all right, let's get out of here. What state? Louisiana. This is in Louisiana.iana i know i forgot to put it in his like in his minivan move some kids toys out puts it right in the middle console and he's like

this is my to-go cup and we were like what the fuck are you doing that is insanity when i was just in louisiana for my tour i did the same thing i had you know they had like a patio outside and they had the door guy by the door between obviously the bar and the patio and so i'm walking out like here and i'm like i'm just i'm just going right here to the thing and my buddy my uh who's doing the tour with me andrew he was like what and i'm like well i just would let him know where i'm going he's like dude we're in louisiana you can walk anywhere because i was and there were cops are right there i was like he's like we can just go wherever you want with that liquor. It doesn't matter at all in this state. They're like, no law. It's like Louisiana is one giant outdoor bar.

You know what I mean? That's what New Orleans is. It's like one Wi-Fi hotspot. Our favorite game in New Orleans was, what was it? Drunk or injured. Drunk or injured. Drunk or injured. You get around like four in the morning, you see a lot of people limping.

Is he drunk or is he limping? I don't know. Was he shot? Was he stabbed? I don't know. lot of people limping you're like drunk or is he limping was he shot was he stabbed when the officer told him to stop drinking the beer the man said quote yes you should have cuffed me so he's back there now challenging the cop to be like it's kind of on you you don't want me drinking a beer why did you come he's like because you weren't under arrest but the truth of the matter is he did he

should have cuffed him he should yeah but the guy you weren't under arrest. But the truth of the matter is, he should have cuffed him. He should have cuffed him. For what? Drunk in public, I guess. He offered to take him somewhere, though. You can't cuff a guy. He didn't have a lip tattoo on his chest. I know that, Lumina. Show me the Scrabble tiles. The man was cited on suspicion of having an open alcohol

container and consuming alcohol in public. Suspicion. Yeah, suspicion. And when no one was at home at the address the man gave his brother, the officer took him to the detox. I'm going to ask you guys. It'll be our last guessing game of this episode. How old do you think the man was? Stumbling around. He was offered a ride home, trying to get to his brothers, then started drinking malt liquor in the back of a police cruiser. Too much fun leaves marks in life.

Living hard, you'll pay the price. Who is gonna get it right? Guess the age, guess the age. Kevin, what do you think? Kevin, you can go first, Tigg, or third. Well, here's my analysis of this. He's been drinking for a while. Or he's new to drinking and he can't control himself.

He might be young. But it sounds like he's been drinking for a while. Yeah. Or he's new to drinking and he can't control himself. Fair. He might be young. He might be really. But it sounds like he's been drinking for many years. Decades. Because, you know, to get into a cop car. Continuously. You know.

And then start drinking. Yeah. I'm going to go ahead and say 51. 51 years old from Kevin Nealon. Jason or Randy Sklar for this round of Guess the Agey. I'm going to go. I'm saying 57. Wow.

57 from Jason Sklar. I think he's 43 but about to die. 43. Never going to see 50. No, he does not end up on the other side of 50. The man drinking hurricane malt liquor, which is something I've never even heard of. Which sounds very 51, 43, 57. Yes.

Randy said 43. Got a free ride home wherever he wanted to go. Didn't even have to call an Uber from a cop, then decided to drink in his car. An older guy, they probably would be more apt to give him a ride home. Yep. Maybe a lot older than 50s. 70. Get your answers in now, Tony, because the man is 38 years old.

Oh, yeah. Randy. I'll take it. I'll take it. I'll take it. He might have looked like but he might have been 38 and looked like he was 51. So I'm giving Kevin the best.

How happy was his brother that he didn't come home? Thank you. You guys took him to detox? We've been trying to do that for years. Guess I'll eat all this pizza myself. Thank you very much. It works out.

38. Yeah, 38. 38. Come on, dude. We've all made works out. 38. Yeah. 38. 38. Come on, dude. We've all made bad decisions. 38 is drunken 51. Can we at least say that? Well, yeah, if you're that drunk.

You know, the question also is, does he have a family? Yeah. Probably not. 38, he could be a grandfather. What city was it that he speaks to? 38, he could be a grandfather. What city was it? It doesn't say.

It's like just seven. Literally, it was www.hometownsource.com. grandfather. What city was it? It doesn't say. It's like just seven? Literally, it was www.hometownsource.com It's probably a smaller city. Elk River was the other guy. Elk River was the other guy. Look, thank you guys. It's from the New York... Nope, that's old too. It sounds like it's a small town

somewhere. Small town where the cop kind of knows. The Journal Star. So here's what we were saying about this. The old days, there used to be one drunk guy in the town. That was the town drunk. Yeah. Now there's like the town. Watch out for him, everybody.

Make sure he doesn't sleep this way because you don't want him. Everybody kind of looks up. Now everybody's the town drunk. They're all, yeah. Everyone. Everybody is the town drunk. You got the town sober guy who's like, I can't relate to these people. I can't stop driving.

You know what I think one of the funniest shows is? I haven't seen it in a while, but is it called Crimes Gone Wrong? No. You've never heard of this? No. Oh, it's the best. What is it? It's guys that come in to rob a store or something, and they drop their gun, and then the clerk

jumps over to grab, and they run out of there like crazy. It's so good. It's the Scrabble Tile. That should make it on there. Oh, man. It's so fun. Crimes Gone Wrong. I think it's Nebraska.

Okay. There you go. Elk Grove, Nebraska. He was right. He was right. Kevin Nealon, It's so funny. Crime has gone wrong. I think it's Nebraska. Okay. I think we're outgrowing Nebraska. He was right. He was right. Kevin Nealon, thank you so much. Again, Mondays on CBS. Man with a Plan.

Coming soon. Coming soon. I'm so happy you were able to stop by and made time for us. We love you, and we'll have you back on again, right? Heck yeah. Oh, shit. We've got to get back to work. And hopefully I'll still be legendary by then.

You will be. You definitely will.