Dumb People Town - Kevin Pollak - Hold On Loosely

Episode Date: April 3, 2018

This week, Kevin Pollak (The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel) joins the Sklars and Daniel Van Kirk in Dumb People Town! In Story #1, freebie train sex is caught on camera. In Story #2, a man sets his neighbor's car on fire in retaliation for the theft of his law...

It's a good show! Couldn't make this up. So listen to our podcast jam with co-host Armand Dan. And don't be a jerk, cause when the music gets the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, punk it down, it's Dumb People Town. Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Pollock. Kevin Pollock. I like it. I'm letting Jemmy know that we're starting and she should leave me alone. That's right. So leave him alone. He's in here. The mayor is podcasting. She sends her love, though.

Thank you. She's amazing and wonderful. I thought I was going to get to see her today. Yeah, she was bummed out because she thought it was much earlier. Well, you are here. We are thrilled to have you here. You are someone we've wanted to have on this show for a long time, but I'm actually glad that we waited because now we can promote this wonderful, amazing, beautiful thing that you are on. Golden Globe Award

winning. That you are on and amazing it. And I warned you both. You warned us both. The three of you. And two of you have seen it. You've said, we've all seen it. Really? The Marvelous... You tell me that. You are the Marvelous Mr. Maisel.

Well, as it turns out... You kind of are. You kind of are. I literally am Mr. Maisel. You are. Our father-in-law, who will never be in a story. Here's the deal. That is not true.

Definitely not true. We're only in season one, bro. We're in season one. This thing's going to go for a while. And your character is fantastic. Oh, no. We're doing season two. I mean...

No, but we're saying your character will step to the forefront of the story. I guarantee it. I don't know if you guys know. He was bumped up to series regular for season two. Yeah. I was reoccurring season one, and yes, it's true. Holy smokes. You are...

This show is unbelievable. This show is fantastic to begin with. What show are you even talking about? The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. Oh, okay. The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. I wasn't sure. Yeah.

No, unbelievable. And I want to get into it and talk all about it, but we can't do that right now. What do we got to do? Because we've got dumb stories. We've got dumb stories first. The world is getting dumber, Kevin Pollak. I know you've been around, and you've been out traveling the world as a comedian the way we do, and you see this country in ways that most people don't.

Can I tell you why I love this show? Why? Please. Must I? Yes. I'd love to. So, for some reason reason about four years ago, I thought it would be fun to do a podcast called Talkin' Walkin' where it's kind of like my dinner with Andre. Only Andre speaks only as Christopher Walkin.

Inexplicably. And we don't reference him or me during the conversation. No, Talkin' Walkin'. And I would have someone over the house and we were just two people talking minutia of life. And so I started looking up shit online for us to talk about each week. And I started sort of down the rabbit hole of these dumb people,

stupid people doing dumb things. That's right. And fell in love with the idea of that. I only did about 20 episodes and loved it. What was Walken's attitude towards all of these stories? He probably loved it.

It's pure fascination, if I may. Most people walk through life with a sort of devil-may-care view of most things, but sometimes people lean in. He's really the only... He's lyrical. He's the only guy who can throw away a syllable. Do you know what I lyrical he's the only guy

who can throw away a syllable do you know what I'm saying like there's like there's the word and he punches the first two parts of it and then throws

the last syllable away your characterization of him which is also why it's so great is because it's true in watching him he will be telling you something of the

harshest conviction but his body language is a very like loosey but like as though he was like you could paint the house you could not paint the house but that, but his body language is a very like, loosey. But like, as though he was like, you could paint the house, you could not paint the house.

But that's his like, body language. I know. Well, I was a chorus boy coming up. So I keep, I'm a dancer at heart.

Great dancer. By the way, great dancer and the, the moist limb? The older he, yeah, the fat boy slim,

but the older he gets, the more out of breath he is. Yes. To me, I actually think that makes him so much more compelling. Absolutely. Because you feel like, wait, every breath might be his last. So I'm on the edge of my seat.

What? Are we losing a syllable here? Again, I watched Deer Hunter, for Christ's sake, the other night. Wow. With the kids? Yeah. We just sat around with the kids. By lo my.

By lo my. I don't want to put a gun to your head, but I think you're going to love this movie. Boom. It's about friendship. He was unbelievable in that movie. Of course. What's his line? What's his monologue?

Don't leave me over there. Don't leave me over there. He's sitting back to back on the basketball hoop. Just Mike or whatever. Yeah, don't leave me. Don't leave me over there. Don't leave me over there. He knew something was going to happen.

He knew. Oh, my God. Brilliant. Because he had read the script. He read the script. Well, he knew. Right. He knew. He's an actor who knew what was coming. I'm three pages ahead of you. Don't leave me over that. Like he knew something was going to happen. He knew. Oh, my God. Because he had read the script. He read the script. Well, he knew. Right. He knew.

He's an actor who knew what was coming. I'm three pages ahead of you. Don't leave me over that. Are you guys going to do a story test? So, yeah. I love the show, and I can't wait to participate. I love it. So, let's jump in.

For the listeners following on home, all you loyal townies, yes, my voice is still this deep due to a wonderful cold. Sent in by Gary King at Gaz Kinging. At G-A-Z-K-I-N-G. Thanks, buddy. I-N-G. Okay, here we go. Ready?

Yeah. I think that's to Yaz Queening. That's Gaz Kinging. Gaz Kinging. Yeah. I'm going to read you this headline. Shane Brennan convicted on indecency charges after, quote, freebie sex. Act on train caught on camera., quote, freebie sex.

Act on train caught on camera. Most sex is freebie. As it turns out, yeah, it should be freebie. It should be. So in his mind, though, even though he didn't do this sexual act, he had sex. He tells people he ran a train. He didn't do it. He didn't actually run a train, but he's telling people that. He used a train.

Was he on a train? Yes. A Randy Wallalong train traveler. So now this definitely took place in Australia. Wallalong is not a place that exists anywhere but Australia. Just outside of Cleveland. Again, they put it in quotes again. Caught engaging in a, quote, free sex act with a fellow passenger one day last December.

As though they're, like, telling a fairy tale. One day last December in Wallalong. It's unfair to remember. Also, interesting use of the word fellow. Yes. He showed his long fellow in Wallalong. His Wallalong fellow. Now has a lasting legacy of their time together.

A criminal conviction. together a criminal conviction st. Shane Lawrence Brennan SLB if you're nasty was riding the 956 a.m. service from Port Kembla a.m. mistake number one a.m. a.m. that's key I'm going to be morning sex at the end of the commute morning says some time ride the nine fifty six tried together. And that's what's important. By the way, Kevin Pollak, correct in that Sheena Easton is from Australia. Yes. And she used to run the 9-56 train. He could have been her baby that took the morning train. On December 14th, when he noticed, this is Shane Lawrence Brennan, noticed a female passenger masturbating on one of the seats,

and he approached her. Right. So we were out this past weekend at a bar eating on St. Patrick's Day, which I understand was our mistake. Like, we should have never been. This was lunch. Lunch on St. Patrick's Day. We should have never been at a bar on St. Patrick's Day. No.

This is in Minneapolis. Yeah. What are the Jews? What do we know? We don't know. I don't know. Guess how long I was at a bar on St. Patrick's Day. No. This is in Minneapolis. Yeah. They were- What are the Jews? What do we know? We don't know. I did it. Guess how long I was at a bar on St. Patrick's Day.

How long? Six hours. Okay, so- Jesus Christ. And there was- And this was another issue. There was a chair at the end of the table

we were sitting at, but no one was in it. That's fair game on St. Patrick's Day. That was a big mistake. I mean, were we like women masturbating on an Australian morning train? You got yourself

a two-table state. So that was just an invitation for some dumb, older... Please join. Yeah, to sit down. Sit down. Hey, I understand you guys are on the food channel. Okay, first of all, there is no food channel. There is no such thing as a food channel.

Why didn't you just say yes? Yeah, that's how you get going. You get it going. We want to stop it. You bet your ass we are. Kevin, I want to stop it. Yeah, we do a show called The Silent Treatment when we go to bars. Shut the fuck up. This guy was just like, you just didn't want to, you did not want to get involved.

So this guy sees a woman masturbating and says, this is for me. Here's where I step in. Why, hello there. Right. Hello down there. Another Australian reference. You open the door. I come from the land down there. Another Australian reference. You open the door. I come from the land down under.

She's coming in the land down under. After a brief interaction, the woman began performing oral sex on Brennan. Very brief interaction. How are you? Nice to see you. I see you're already. Good day. You're where I would like to be.

Good day, mate. I see you're pleasuring yourself. Let me interrupt that by having you stop pleasuring yourself and only pleasuring me. Hey, what about me? What if she was like, let's catch you up? Sure. Let's get you up to speed. Let's do me next.

He later told police he didn't have to, quote, pay for it. Nope. Hey, first off, I want to let you guys know. Let's just be honest. I did not have to pay for it. That is his way of saying it was kind of consensual. The entire incident was caught on the train's closed circuit cameras. And watched by everyone.

Turned out not so close. It's 9.56. Even if he's getting off at the next stop, the average commute is about a half hour. He's getting off on that stop. He's getting off between stops. He gets on this train somewhere around 9.15. And before 10 a.m. he's getting a blowjob on a rush hour train right on december 14th unbelievable it's the holiday season it's the most i know we've talked about it the weirdest hickory doc

i can't keep up thinking words so that's what i got i know yeah i heard that dan remember we heard that and like texted you right away we're like dan it It's on. We thought you were fucking with us. It's real. So who knows how long he watched the woman masturbate before being like, is this the pornos that I saw when I was 13 years old? Can I ask a question? You can ask anything. It's so weird all the time.

Anyone listening is probably wondering. Yeah. What's everyone else on the train doing? I know. I know. You have to assume it's a busy train. According to Shane Brennan, they're missing out is what they're doing.

They didn't see opportunity. They didn't step up. They're all on their phones. I mean, I'm sure... No one's taking a number? This is a... The porno version of Snakes on a... This is Snakes on a Train.

Okay. And this is his way. That's Glar Brothers. That's Glar Brothers. The entire incident was caught on the train's closed circuit cameras, so that's going to live forever. Forever.

It's running at every MTA Christmas party from now until eternity. Brennan returned to his seat as the train pulled into the Walla Wong Railway Station. I'm done with you. Surprised he didn't just go to sleep right there. with you. Surprising to just go to sleep right there. City rail staff waiting on the station platform later told police they could see Brennan holding his exposed

genitals from where they stood. Huh. Didn't have time to pull up? Yeah, I guess. They saw it live, CCQ. And then they were waiting for him at the station. He was literally coming into the station. God damn it. Staff subsequently entered Brennan's carriage.

Again, staff entering Brennan's carriage is its own. His undercarriage. That's an infection. It's like a train going into a tunnel. To discover a large and disgusting, that's in quotes, Large? Liquid mess on the floor. It's not what you think it is.

Ye olde wet spot. It's not. You're saying it's not. You're saying he. It gets better and worse. You're saying it's not. You're saying he. It gets better and worse. You're saying he. They originally thought it was urine. However, it's just a pool of crusted Vegemite.

Brennan told them it was cola from a bottle he was carrying. Quote, I wasn't having a piss. I spilled my Coke. Go and have a look. It's just Coke coke he said to police who arrived on the scene a short time later by the way a lot of people have said it's just coke to police and that's not a good that's not a great thing but this is totally a guy who got caught doing something else but he was right in this tiny moment and he's gonna hold that one up yes

you guys thought it was something else but i I'm telling you. That was Coke. Try it. It's Coke. Taste it. Yeah. Willie, how bad are these detectives that their concern is what is that liquid? What's the liquid? What's the liquid? We can see your genitals in your hand.

We get it. We've got the footage. I'm going to need to know what this liquid is. We need to know what this is. You guys are trying to railroad me. Two 11-year-olds watch the whole sex act. Let's focus on the coke. Is this piss?

No, it's not piss, man. I spilled my Coca-Cola. I spilled my coke. However, one further question. Brennan admitted he had splashed the Coca-Cola all over his genitals in a bid to, quote, clean myself up after the sexual intercourse. I'm sorry, how else are you supposed to do that? There's no other way.

There's no other way. I did not see this coming when I read this story. Wait, wait, didn't mom say that? Our mom tells us. This is like a Sklar urban myth. Urban myth, okay? It's not sexual. It's not sexual. It's not sexual, but when you hear what happens,

you will see what a bad decision it was for this guy to clean his genitals with coke. What do you clean with it? She was at the mechanic. I need to hear a life, Sklar, family story to understand why it would be a bad idea to clean your genitals with coke. All right, I'm on board. After getting a random blowjob at 9.56 in the morning.

Your mom. She was at the mechanic, and the mechanic said, you got a ton of gunk on your carburetor oh thank god i know i was curious too i was gonna gunk on your junk uh she had a ton of gunk on your carburetor and we're gonna clean it off and she said and she had a coke in her hand and he said i'll buy you a new coke but give me that coke and he went over and poured the coke all on her carburetor sure and it ate through all of the stuff, and in a short period of time, it was clean.

But it ate through- Yeah. So maybe Shane Lawrence Brennan knows what he's up to. Maybe, but I wouldn't want it to eat through my own junk. Yeah, I'll take it on my carburetor. It was like she had poured it onto cotton candy. Right. Have you ever dipped cotton candy in a Coke, just watch it disappear, the sugar go right

into it? Can I tell you my takeaway? Yes. Family story? Yes. Why was mom dealing with the mechanic? Why the mechanic, while working on your mom's car, carburetor, said, like she was an assistant in surgery. Give me your cup.

Also, wouldn't he have whatever you really would normally use? Yeah. But I think he wanted to prove a point but I think he wanted to prove a point. He was trying to be just like Shane, whatever his name is. Lawrence Brennan. Trying to prove a point. I clean my genitals in Coke. Right, right.

I clean my genitals. I was like, are we going back to Sheena Easton again? I clean my genitals with coke. Can I ask you guys, we don't have to get too personal here, but... Too late. Why would he need to clean himself up? Me either. Yeah, he doesn't seem like a guy who would have the wherewithal.

I wouldn't think that you'd need to clean yourself up after a blowjob. I'd be eithered that. Meaning, I knew you were like, I don't understand why. And I'm like me either. I cannot. At this age, in my advanced age, I always still pee a little in my pants when I'm done. No matter how much I shake it out. No matter how much I try to get to the end.

Welcome to the rest of your life. Right. That's the rest of my life. Like that's part of life. Pull up your pants. Sure. That's why you have clothing on. It'll take it in.

If I may though, a guy who's comfortable exiting a train holding his naked junk doesn't seem like the type who also said, I should probably rinse up. Yeah, I love that he was so concerned about how clean he was. I want it out in the wind, but I got to clean that up. After sticking his penis in the mouth of a woman who he had no idea how clean that up. Through sticking his penis in the mouth of a woman who he does not know. No idea how clean that was. Well, he did it in a bid, like I said, in a bid, quote, to clean myself up after the sexual activity.

Quote, this is a straight line for him in the next line. Quote, I got a blowjob on the train and I was rinsing my cock off, he told officers. Hey, guys,

we're friends, right? He's like getting too personal with the cops. It's 9.54 on a Wednesday, guys. What else am I going to do? What else do you do? Brennan was allowed to leave the location on the condition he not returned for at least two hours. He said that in the way of like, yeah, I didn't have enough money on my MetroCard, so I just bought a new one.

But how about these cops in Australia that are like, we've got to figure out something to do. How about this? I leave. I don't come back for two hours. That's good enough for us. That works. On your way. That works.

Sounds good. We're not going to get everybody hung up on this. It's Christmas time. Technically, you're involved in a crime. Court documents said... Take two hours. You know what? Walk around and think about it for a minute.

Take a standing two-hour count. We've got to figure out where this liquid is. We've got to get forensics down here. Court documents said officers re-entered the station to ascertain further details when they came across the female with whom Brennan had had the sexual liaison as she exited the station. The woman, who is well-known to police, confirmed Brennan's story. Who is well-known to police. Need a little more there.

I think. It's like Don Rickles in Hello Dummy when he sees that woman. He's like, Sheriff, know you're back in action? Yeah. Apparently they didn't. As though they didn't believe him until she confirmed that that's what happened. Oh, listen, Shirley says

you're good to go. Well, then, after that, he was subsequently issued with court attendance notices for offensive behavior and obscene exposure. So they were like, you're good to go. Well then after that she's well known to police. He was subsequently issued with court attendance notices for offensive behavior and obscene exposure. So they were like you go you're fine

and then she was like no we really did that and they're like oh get him back get him back in here. Well if she said it it was not immediately clear in court documents

whether the woman was also charged over the incident. So to her they were like you're fine. This is your normal. We know you. Yeah. In fact can we guess

Shirley you were pleasing yourself first and then he approached? You got it. I mean, if I know Shirley. We all know Shirley. Yeah. Shirley, by the way. Oh, what a gal. Brendan pleaded guilt.

She had the invisible touch. To both offenses in wall-along local court, which sounds like a fake court. It sounds like it. I'm going to say it. Don't. I'm going to say it. I know it's Australia. Come on. It sounds like a kang fake court. It sounds like it. I'm going to say it. Don't. I'm going to say it. I know it's Australia. Come on.

It sounds like a kangaroo court. You couldn't resist. I did. Nope. Sounds like a kangaroo court to me. Like T-Ball. Terrible. Your own loathing is what made it fun.

You're laughing to cover the tears. I understand. There's a hurt inside of me. I need to cleanse myself with coke on that one. Brennan pleads guilty to both offenses and wall along local court with his lawyer describing the entire incident as, quote, opportunistic. Your Honor, he's just taking advantage of the cards in front of him at the table. You take what the defense gives you. She seemed up for it.

Yeah. They had an interaction, so maybe he did be like, mind another? Also on camera, you can see them chatting. Yes. And the judge is like a koala in glasses. May I help you, is how he entered. Get down from the tree, Your Honor, so that I can... Your Honor, put the bamboo down.

Your Honor, you are the cutest thing I've ever seen in my entire life. Yeah, I understand you've never crashed. If I told you there was a Disney show called The Wallalongs, would you fight with me about it? They're all koala bears and they're all judges. I'm in. I'm so in. There's a big dad judge and a mom judge. The daughter judge doesn't want to be a judge, but

look, it's in the family. She wants to be a rock and roll singer. Or they're all three-toed sloths. Their last name is Swift, ironically, and it's called Swift Justice. I love it. You'd better trademark that. I just mailed it to myself.

Dot com. This is from SLB's lawyer. Quote, the facts speaks for themselves. He took the opportunity that presented itself, he said. Did he say the facts? Speak for themselves. I thought he said speaks for themselves. Speak for themselves. He took the opportunity that presented itself. Wait, did he say the facts speak for themselves? I thought he said speaks for themselves. He took the opportunity that...

So he's saying, I guess his rule is even if it's against the law, if the opportunity is there... They're hanging a lot on this consensual thing. If the bank drops money, it's yours to take. That's right. Right? Yeah. I think that's it. He also noted that the incident had only been witnessed by a small number of people despite the time

of day. So he's also being like, there was a lot less people there than are normally there in the morning and barely any of them saw it. By the way, the order of the words in that sentence is very important. Small number of people, fine. Number of small people, that's not so good.

Not cool. And they would do nothing but bitching and moaning about a BJ on a train. In convicting Brennan on both charges, Magistrate Mark Douglas said such behavior would not be tolerated. There is a line in relation to decency in our community, and you have well and truly crossed it. I can't disagree.

This happened on Christmas Day. No, the 14th. No, the 14th. The 14th. Yeah. Whatever that is. Day one of Hanukkah. But is it how many days away from Christmas?

So that's 10 days away. But it's 11 days away. It's the twelve days of Christmas this is this is partridge in a pear tree I mean that's if you consider

her mouth a pear tree his balls a pear tree partridge in a pear tree is that number two no and a partridge in a pear tree

is one what's the second one two turtle doves welcome back to choose trying to remember the lyric to Christmas songs it's a great podcast two turtle doves. Welcome back to Choose Trying to Remember the Lyric to Christmas Songs. It's a great podcast.

Two turtle doves. You should have seen when this bar started analyzing other Christmas songs. The fact that Santa watches you while you sleep. Watching you while you sleep. That, again,

that was one of those things. Sees you while you're sleeping. Not great. Knows when you're awake. That's super creepy. Anybody who's ever been in a relationship and woke it up

and had their partner just staring at them, you know it's time to get creepy. Anybody who's ever been in a relationship and woke it up and had their partner just staring at them, you know it's time to get out. Unless Santa's your partner. Right. Unless Brennan. Then you go, all right, it's him. Unless Santa was masturbating,

and that's the invitation to get out. Brennan was ordered to pay a $700 fine and placed on a 12-month good behavior bond as punishment. Who decides what's good behavior? Like, apparently... So, was he just charged for an indecent act? Yeah, indecent act in public. Well, you can't deny it was an indecent act, whether it was consensual or not.

You should not be doing that in public. Yes. But, he just took the opportunity. He just took the opportunity that was available to him. If I may, you're wrong. If I may approach the tree, you're wrong. Brennan said he regretted his actions. What is that, eucalyptus?

Well, you're eating a lot, Your Honor. Was worried that his girlfriend would find out. Oh! That is the best line in the whole story. I read somewhere they were living together like nine years. Man, do you know how to throw it to the ass? 700 to the state and 700 to your girlfriend.

Before we get out, I'm going to ask you guys. You are a guest, Mr. Kevin Pollack. Yes. You can decide if you want to go first, Tig, or third.

Tig Natar. Tig, you're a fan. How old is Shane Lawrence? All right, Randy, you go first. I'll go first, and then Kevin. All right.

I definitely don't think he is. Let's work it. Work it back. Okay, I'm going to work back through this thing. It's Christmas time. He knows how to use. Morning commute. He knows how to use transportation.

Morning rush hour. This isn't like two in the morning. That's right. He's going somewhere. This is not a guy who's on the train for the first time. Right. So he's clearly in a routine of some sort. They had a brief interaction, which means maybe there was some story he knew of.

He has a girlfriend. Public BJ. I'm going to assume that his girlfriend... Wanted to clean himself off afterwards. That's right. With your mom's car cleaner. I'm going to say 41. 41 years old.

You're going on the high end. 41, because I think he also still lives at home and his girlfriend also has kids. Okay. Kevin? What do you got? I was thinking in the 40s too just because

just because who first of all I thought when you start talking about one of them they're both drunk

or derelicts or You're thinking he may not have another shot at this. He's kind of like I am the this may be the last time

I get my dick sucked out on an Australian train. 38 is screaming in my head. This guy's 26. There's no way he's a day... 26? He's not a day over 26. Okay. Okay. There you go. Alright, so we've all worked it down. Let's give me one quick review. 26, 38, 41.

Okay. Jason, 26. Kevin, 38. Randy, 41. Tell you right now, One of you is exactly right Now that means we get to play our side game Who do you think is right? Well I know now Because I'm a poker player And you're tell on one of us

Okay then you should go last For this portion I think it's me You think you are right at a guess of what? 41 I think Poll's me. You think you are right at a guess of what? 41. I think Pollock's right. Okay. I do. I've lost my faith in myself.

Lost your edge. I know based on my reading of tells that it's absolutely Jason. Okay. We are all different. I lost confidence in mine and gained confidence in Kevin. Mine's just based on the face you made when he said 26. I could hear your

sphincter tightening. Good at reading people. Alright, everybody, plane along home, office, commutes, wall-along trains. If I was right and then wrong, I'm going to hate myself. Shane, Lawrence, Brennan, the Christmas dick

of wall-along trains, is 38 years old. No! the Christmas dick of all along trains is 38 years old. Kevin! Your expression when Jason said 26 was I don't know you well enough it must have been the same as

what are you an idiot? Now I want to play poker with Kevin. You are right to read a tell because over the years of doing this with them I do react to them as though they may have gotten it right or gotten it wrong. There was even a thing within poker which is you took a second

beat to question him. What did you say? But now you're conscious of that so you are going to mix it up. I won't make that mistake. It's like now you're not going to tip pitches anymore. You're not in Hugh Darvish. 38 years old. Let's like now you're not going to tip pitches anymore. You're not in Hugh Darvish. All right. 38 years old. There you go.

38 old enough to know. Let's take a break. Let's take a break. And when we come back, we're going to hear more about Kevin's great new show that's on the Amazons. We'll be right back. All right, guys. Welcome back to Dumb People Town.

Hope you guys are doing well. We mentioned last week's episode, and we're going to mention it again. We are going to be in Chicago doing a live Dumb People Town, sandwiched in between two stand-up shows with Dan at our friend's bar, The North Bar. I think it's at North Bar Live. Tickets are going. It's going to sell out.

There's only 300 seats that can be sold for the whole night. I love that you got something in your throat and then I had to clear my throat. Yeah, what is that? Stupid. It's brother love, man. It's brother love. I blame your mother. That's right.

I blame the coke. But I would like to talk to Kevin Pollak right now if you guys would just fucking let me for a second. Jesus. God, you're all up over me. The marvelous Mrs. Maisel. Let me just tell you why I love this show for so many... It hits...

Like, if there was a Sklar wheel, it just hits so, I mean, Jay, you can. Schmott the business. It's brilliantly written. It's brilliantly written. The show is very funny. All the performances are amazing. You are incredible. We've seen you in many things.

We've loved you in many things. I think this is the thing that I love you in more than anything you've ever done. And you told me ahead of time, this is in your wheelhouse. I might have even said, because I've been saying it to anyone who would listen which now includes the cat i haven't done anything i've been this proud of in well over 20 years i've been gainfully employed don't make me say the number because i don't really know it 84 films but i do know that uh just looked at that by far in the last 20 years and Amy Sherman Palladino and Dan Palladino

the creators and writers of the show are redonkulous from Gilmore Girls and everything they've done and I love Gilmore Girls and started watching it

with my 12 year old daughter who loves it in such a you know this is how much we love the show in general this is a fucking jewel

and it's a love letter to comedy and it's a love letter to New York and there are a lot of Jews. There's a moment. Yes. There's 1958. There's a moment where like,

when she's up doing standup, when they take her around in one of the early episodes to look at all the standup shows, it makes us as comedians be like, we got to get up more. We got to get, do standup more.

I watch that. I'm like, we got like, a show about a woman in the 1950s is making us say, we got to get up and do more standup. Crazy. Because that and I'm like, a show about a woman in the 1950s is making us say we got to get up and do more stand-up. Crazy.

Because you love it. you have distant or dead relatives that were in the schmata business? Our father. Our father. Oh, your father.

Well, our great uncle and then our father bought the business. This is the business that we went down. He had a warehouse downtown St. Louis on 17th and out.

A cut room like the scene I have. Cut room with the table that long table that long wooden table you gotta understand that scene with me and Tony Shalhoub

oh my god when he comes into their office to pay for the apartment oh my god it is it's the best first of all

you guys I love it's like two man comedy he's amazing he's as great as it gets he's as great as it gets and as an actor he's as great as it gets

his what I love is he doesn't jump outside of that character and he uses that character to the full extent to buttress up against your thing and it's the best push and pull. You guys are like a comedy team. It's like Abbott and Costello from that time. We've kind of been in the same conversation

for the same role a number of times. I'm sure. So that the idea that we would ever work together was never something I would have suggested or predicted. I would have suggested, sorry, not the right word, but predicted in a million years. So the chance to get to dance with him in a scene is ridiculous. But you're, again, it is, I would say. But even just being in, just seeing that location where the office off to the side with the view out into the room with the lawnmower, that's what we grew up with.

Right. So it hits us on that level, on the most specific level. Of course, just developing as a stand-up and going up and developing who you are and being in a scene and that whole thing. It hits us there. Just all the Jewish stuff hits us so hard. Me too. I mean, it all hits us so hard. just all the Jewish stuff hits us so hard. Me too.

It all hits us so hard. This actor, Luke Kirby, who plays a very young Lenny Bruce, which is Lenny Bruce, which I also like in that he's not a household name. He's just starting to hit a New York popularity in his career and never is an episode about him, which would be the easiest thing to do. But he just floats in and out. But he floats in and out in a way. That has impact.

That has impact. And it has impact to different people in different times. So, you know, Alex Borstein's character sees him come by. And I don't want to give anything away. Loses her mind. Loses her mind. But just because he's the best act at the thing that she knows everything about

exactly so he is the not because he's been on TV but he's the pinnacle and she's so far in it but then you see the guys who've been on TV like they go to the Copa room

and they see Red Skelton on stage and he does like three jokes and they're okay but they kill why? because he's been on TV so there's that moment

where you go you see the differences in the comedy. Like, there was a bit, and I don't want to give it away, I'm just going to say there was a bit, as she's going around and singing, and a guy does a bit. With a ventriloquist. Ventriloquist bit. I had never seen it

before, and I'm telling you, Jay and I were watching it with my wife. She was sitting down there watching. The three of us were laughing as hard as if we were to see that in a club live. I never saw it, and I was like, we were laughing so hard. But it was raw, and it was edgy,

and that was right for that room, and then you kept seeing the other acts throughout the night, and they were maybe more advanced, but not as funny. They just get it so right. So it is just a beautiful show. The music, the wardrobe.

Oh my God, the music, the wardrobe, the way it's shot. It's in New York, which it has to be. It's just beautiful. So I'm so proud of you. Thanks, guys. Congratulations. Yeah, we just had the table read for the first episode of season two in New York about a week and a half ago. And, you know, the fear of a successful first season had been picked up to two seasons from pilot.

So we always knew there was going to be a second season. To get the award. Yeah, but the fear was meeting the expectation, right? And I'll just, the only thing I'll say about it is exceeded.

Wow. I mean, as a fan of the show, I can't wait. Yeah, that's the only killer thing about doing the show is I will have to know ahead of time what happens. And I don't want to.

You don't want to because you love it. That's what we did two episodes of Better Call Saul in those times. I was like, I don't want to know. I don't want to know, and I don't want to take ourselves out of it. Yes. You know what I mean?

Because I'm just a fan. And I know the award shows are so funny because they're a lot of times ahead of the curve. Like Handmaid's Tale will come out and win a bunch of awards and then everyone's like, I got to start watching that. And the bingeable nature of an Amazon show is,

hey, have you seen this? Well, you can watch it in a weekend or two. You know what I mean? Or a night. Or a night if you're like really to get willing to like- Because there aren't a ton. It's eight episodes. Eight episodes.

So it just is one of those things that I'll say to our fans. If you have not seen it, and if you're listening to this podcast you obviously love stand-up comedy right

if you if you have not seen this show it is truly a remarkable show and you will love Kevin Pollak on it so much

you'll go back and listen to this episode and be like I can't believe we got Kevin Pollak that's what they're going to say I still can't believe it

and I can't believe it either that's absurd but Dan I'd like to hear more from you on the show. Let's do it. Oh, on his show or this show? I meant on Maisel. I was totally kidding. I totally went for the joke there.

Sorry. Let's get to the damn dumb people down story. All right. Second story was sent in by Scott McClain. Thank you, guys. At Scott underscore McClain. Long, long time ago. S-C-O-T-T underscore M-C-C-L-A-I-N.

Thanks, Scott. That's down there.-T-T. Underscore. M-C-C-L-A-I-N. Thanks, Scott. That's Donny. Good, Tony. Edgewater, Florida. Now we're in it. Edgewater. There, we're in it. A man is accused of setting his neighbor's Corvette on fire.

Well, yeah, it's a Corvette. Yeah. I literally am like, what is the guy with the Corvette? I just wanted to put some flames on it. I don't know how to do that. Oh, come on. Because he suspected his neighbors of stealing his lawnmower. Yeah.

Is that Florida justice? When you say he set his Corvette on fire, I, in my brain, said, what did the guy with the Corvette do? He took his lawnmower. And now we know. No, we don't even know. He suspected it. But I bet he did something. Just suspected.

Right. Oh, man. And you know that this guy was talking about this for weeks. literally a trial by fire flames on my car you know i'm gonna do i'm gonna set his goddamn he loves you don't even know the car you don't even know if he took it he loves that car well that's what i'm on we're about to find out if he took it by setting his car on fire no let No. Let's see how pissed he is, because if he's not pissed enough, you know he took the lawnmower. If he comes out of that house and he's like, you motherfucker, then he took it. If he comes out and he's like, what are you doing? Then he is innocent.

That's how you know. If it's an 80s movie. And I'll put it out. Yeah. If I'm wrong. I'll put it out. I'll put it out. I'll put it out.

If it's an 80s movie scene, Ico Ico is playing in the background. That's right. Ico Ico. Wow. Police said they were called to the home on Queen Palm Drive around 11 p.m. Tuesday. Not a day that I would have thought a car was going to get started on fire. In reference to a vehicle fire. A man who was home at the time of the fire said he saw his neighbor brandon rivera

set his roommates 1984 chevrolet corvette on fire so that is a car but there's a 1984 corvette that someone buys because they're like look at this amazing vintage car that i just found and i'm getting sure there's a 1984 Corvette that you've had since 1984. Janflato's had an 84 Corvette. He's lived in it twice. So, I want to make sure you understand the picture.

He's got mail delivered to his Corvette. Tuesday night, around 11, there's a man in a house and he sees that a Corvette's on fire. That Corvette belongs to his roommate. Okay. And it's an 84.

So how... Keep that in mind. Just being an adult and having roommates tells you a lot about who they are. Right, and one of them's in... In Florida. In Edgewater, Florida,

where I'm guessing it's not crazy expensive. I understand it in New York. I get it. It's an expensive place. Two grown men in Florida live together and one of them has an 84 Corvette. Both of them have been divorced. Both are going through a divorce.

It's the original odd couple, I think. The opening credits. Oh, I'm sorry. The car belongs to a married couple who lives at the home. He's just the roommate. He's a roommate of the married couple. That's how rough things are for all of them. And they said to him as they went to bed, just keep an eye on the car. I can see it from the roommate. He's a roommate of the married couple. That's how rough things are for all of them. And they said to him as they went to bed, just keep an eye on the car.

I can see it from the window. Whatever you do, keep an eye on it. I was enjoying the nightlight while I was reading my book, and I did not realize it was coming from the flames of the car. That's the nicest Florida person I've ever heard. Reading a book by nightlight. Well, they got it wrong. Reading a book. It was more got it wrong. Reading a book. It was more of a...

I meant a book of matches. Was that not clear? Okay. A book of matches. It says come back on one side of the back. I can't draw the squirrel. I like it on the matches. Police said they spoke to Rivera, Brandon Rivera.

Oh, Brandon. And told him that he... He told the cops that he told the cops that he suspected the couple of stealing things from him, including his lawnmower. So he's just balancing it out because in his head they've taken a lot from him. So you took that from me?

The lawnmower was the last straw. Which they may or may not have even taken. We don't know yet. There's no way to find out either. There's really no way to find out. Brandon Rivera said he couldn't find lighter fluid, so he grabbed a Gatorade bottle filled with gasoline. Sorry. Sounded like the Gatorade bottle was already filled with gasoline.

It just happened to be in his garage. Yep. Hand me that Gatorade. The one with the Gatorade in it? No. Wait, the spitter? Your spitter? No.

The one with the Gatorade in it? No. The spitter? Your spitter? No. The one with the gasoline in it. See, I pictured 74 Gatorade bottles filled with gasoline on the wall. Also, they don't say it, but in my mind, it's way old school Gatorade bottle with the metal. Remember? Gatorade used to be the last bottle with an orange metal, and you could click it. Every kid at the Little League field was like, click their little- Yes, I do remember that. I just imagine like, they're like,

sir, we did not steal the lawnmower. And the cops are there, and everybody else's lawn is like overgrown. And they're like, it's like a Scott's commercial. Perfectly man-made lawn. They're like, we don't know what you're talking about. I love that he's like, he said he couldn't find lighter fluid,

which means that he was like, I did not set the fire. However, I want you to know, I couldn't find lighter fluid, so I had to use a Gatorade bottle full of gasoline that he said he had in his vehicle from a landscaping job. So the guy who has a lawnmower stolen

also has a landscaping job, which I imagine is not going well. This is why he's pissed. Yes. They stole his livelihood. Yes. They stole his ability to make more money. Which, if I'm the couple who allegedly set it on fire.

Right. Or allegedly stole it. Yeah. Allegedly stole it. Then I'm stealing his livelihood for the reason to hurt him deep. That is a deep cut. Which is why he feels like the Corvette is their livelihood. It's easy payback.

Now we're even. Eye for an eye. That's biblical. That's right. He definitely threw the match and said, now we're even. Doesn't it feel like with Corvettes, there's a swath of years where they aren't great? 84. Is it?

It's in that year. It's got to be. Where they weren't great. Yeah, like the 70 It's in that year. It's got to be. Where they weren't great. Yeah, like the 70s held on some with some of the Stingrays. Nothing compares to like the 67. Okay, so what was... Smokey and the Bandit was a... That's a Trans Am.

Trans Am. But the Corvette, there's a Stingray in my neighborhood. Because Corvettes are great now. Oh my God. They're gorgeous. Shit. Yeah, right? Garbage.

There was a Stingray Corvette in my neighborhood, and I think it is the now. Oh my god. They're gorgeous. Shit. Yeah, right? Garbage. There was a Stingray Corvette in my neighborhood and I think it is the coolest looking car I've ever seen. Do you know what year it is? Oh, that's an 84 Vette. Yeah. So that's similar to what Magnum drove, but not a Ferrari. Magnum drove a Ferrari. So the back

is kind of cool, but... No, that's not a good car. It's not a good... That looks like the top red one second to the left. Yeah, it looks like a Firebird. It looks like a Toyota Celica. It does. Right? It looks like a Tom Celica. Not that impressive. Yeah, that's not a great car. No. See, this

year of Corvette, if you want to look it up, all you townies, 84 is essentially, if you're from Rochelle, Illinois, like I am, this is what's being in the parade. Like a guy with a denim baseball hat is driving this in every local parade. Driving the Miss Rochelle, Illinois. Guy who owns the strip club.

That's who has this car. Right. Got it. And he's making payments on it. He's still making payments. So picture one of those on fire. Right. And a missing lawnmower.

And we have our ourselves a case. Brandon Rivera said he must have confessed because he first attempted to pour the fluid through a cracked window on the Corvette. But when that didn't work, what do you think he did? Poured it all over the hood. Poured it all over the top. Nope. He opened the door and dumped the gasoline on the seat. Why did he think he had to go through a cracked window in the first place?

Because he didn't want his handprints on the door when they come to do it. He's not an idiot. No. God damn. Come on. He wants to do it in an indiscreet way. You open the door,

dump the gasoline on the seat. By the way, if you're parking your car on the street and you leave the door open and you live in Edgewater and you have roommates

and you're an adult, you're inviting trouble. You are trouble. You're asking for it to be burned. Trouble is in your life. You're essentially saying you are like a woman masturbating on a train.

You're saying, come on in. Put the dick in my mouth. How many cars does this couple have that they needed to park on the street? Lawn? On the lawn. I don't know. Yeah. They said that he dumped all the gasoline on the seat, then used a lighter to set it on fire.

Police said Riviera then shut the door and walked away because he thought the fire appeared small. He walked away thinking that'll go out? That's not a big deal. So what did you do after you set on fire? I shut the door and I walked away because I thought it was small. Does that mean you would have stayed if it was big? I don't understand that either. That is a strain of logic that he's following. The roommate of the couple who owns the Corvette,

who I hope the whole time was like, it's not even my car. He's mad at them for always cleaning up their messes. This is the roommate. Confused by a matchbook. He used a garden hose to extinguish the flames. This guy is a hero. The top of the Corvette had a covering placed on it

Thursday morning. Brandon Rivera. That's like a body bag like in a cop movie. You put it in, zip it up. Sure. Brandon Rivera was charged with burglary and arson. Yeah, breaking and entering. He entered someone else's property.

Although he didn't be. He didn't be. His arm. He eed. His arm might have been. He eed, but he didn't be. Yeah, does that come as B? If it's open, is that a B? No. It is, though, right? It's just burglary.

It is just burglary. It's just burglary and arson. There's no breaking. Yeah, he didn't. It's a B and A. Yeah, burglary and arson. It's a B of A. No, but the B and E is a breaking and entering.

Do you think they said, what would you have done if it was a big fire? And he's like, I would have put it out. Yeah. But it was a little fire. I didn't think there was trouble. Right. And I saw that the roommate was looking at would have put it out. Yeah. But it was a little fire. I didn't think there was trouble. Right. And I saw that the roommate was looking at me over his matchbook.

Yep. Get him. He seemed like he was having difficulty reading in the dirt. That's what I said. I'll put a light on it. Light it up. You know what God said. Let there be light. Light it up.

I just walked away. I'm going to ask you guys now. Filled up a few more Gatorade bottles full of gasoline. My three friends. Yes. How old is Brandon Rivera? We're going to jump right to that? Yeah.

This is it. We're good. All right. That's the end of it. It's the end of this. I could show you what he looks like, but I feel like it's going to give away, so I'll show you afterwards. Oh, yeah.

Don't do that. We will all make fun of. His picture will be on the Facebook page, which we're asking you to join. So, Brandon's a guy with the lawn mowing business. Yep. Apparently. Who lit the Corvette on fire. The small farm.

He's got a lot of theories. By the way, when you're mowing lawns, you have a lot of time to work up theories. He also thinks they stole other things from him too. Other things.

Not just that. I'm going to go first. Okay, go ahead. Just because I won the first round in terms of being on the nose. Sure. Beautifully. Then you were right.

Got the number exactly. Right. Let's just leave it there. You didn't believe in yourself. Okay, go ahead. I was going off of poker. Yeah. Got the number exactly. Right. Let's just leave it there. You didn't believe in yourself. Let's not talk about the rest. Okay, go ahead. I was going off of poker, too. I bluffed it. Yeah.

To me, it's a little more impressive to get the number exactly. That's true. That is extraordinarily impressive. No one's disputing that. Being a fan of the show. Extraordinarily. It doesn't happen a lot. It does not happen.

It does maybe happen five times. Someday, Dumb People's Home will have a Wikipedia that none of us will work on, and it will list everybody who's ever gotten it exactly right. I'd like to be on the trophy. To me, we succeed if that gets into Kevin Pollack's Wikipedia page. Oh, it has to get there. If that fact that he got Guess the Age right on our podcast, on his Wikipedia page, and I wanted to be— Under professional career.

No, I wanted to be above A Few Good Men. Just above it. Right. That's all I want. And it would be above A Few Good Men. Just above it. That's all I want. And it would just say A Few Good Guesses. That's right. Okay, what do you think? So I'm going to go with the exact same number, 38, because it's been so good to me. It's a good number. I think he's about 32.

I think 38 feels a little old for someone who would do this. 32. Okay. On his own. I think he's 27. 27 years old. You're wrong. Dan knows. That's a fake tell. No, no, no. I think it's 27.

I think it's 27 because I think you as you get older you realize you have more to like. The truly dumb people in Dumb People Town are the old folks who have seen a lot of this world and still

make the mistakes. Right. To me, this is a guy who thinks he can solve a mistaken or a potential, you know, still a lawnmower with lighting a small fire. I will say, though, the idea of an eye for an eye, which is, you stole my livelihood so I'm going to set your Corvette on fire.

He could be 58. Yeah, that's true. You know what I mean? He's got his business for a long time. That's old guy landscaping logic. I think landscape is a young man's game. Dan, what do you think? I'm going to say 27. 27 from Randy.

Jason, what did you say? 32. 32. What did you say? 38. Staying on 38. One of you. If this is a roulette game.

Is exactly. Shut up. No. This has never happened in one show. Who do you think it is? Of course it's me. Of course it's me. You're our guest.

Do you want to go first? It's me. It's absolutely me. All right. Jason's client. If it's you, I'm going to lose my shit. No, I think it should go worse than losing your shit. I think it's 20 bucks a head.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it's 20 bucks. I will hand him $20 if it's him, but I think it's him. I think it's him. You do too. Yes. Okay. I think it's 20 bucks a head. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll give him 20 bucks. I will hand him $20 if it's him, but I think it's him. I think it's him. You do too. Yes. Okay. I think it's me.

All right. Yeah. Brandon Rivera. This is crazy. Had his lawnmower stolen by his neighbor and his wife. Allegedly. Allegedly. Suspected them.

Suspected them. Set it on fire and left the roommates lacking to take care of it. I'm reaching for my wallet right now. I'm going into the wallet. His age is, and listen all you townies, shout it out. Please, play along and look at the person to your left on the train and say, whatever I'm

masturbating. Listen to this. Brandon Rivera is 38 years old. Oh my god! I'm not giving him $20. Has that ever been done? No.

That someone was two for two? I'm not giving him $20. I'm giving him $20. I'm not giving him $20. I just get... He doesn't want that money. Has it ever been done on the show? No.

No one has ever won twice. That's a world record. That needs to go on the record. That is... It needs to go on the record of the show. And with the same number. And with the same age. And now I get to show you what he looks like.

He looks like if a thumb became a person. Oh! Oh! How did a thumb get so much hair? Doesn't he look like a thumb person? He has the front lack of neck. If this guy showed up Sunday night as Bob's brother on Bob's Burgers.

I was going to say Bob's Burgers. He has the front neck. The necklace wonder. I mean he's rocking a soul patch. He looks like Bob's brother Bill.'s Burgers. I was going to say, Bob's Burgers. He has a front neck. The necklace wonder. I mean, he's rocking a soul patch. He looks like Bob's brother, Bill. Yeah, he does. And he showed up needing help, and he wants to work at the restaurant. Bob hates him. Linda wants to give him a chance.

Chinless. That's what it is. The chinless wonder. He looks like the lead singer from Smash Mouth ate the lead singer from Fastball. Oh, he definitely played. The little soul patch says he plays bass. Yeah, yeah. He's definitely.

And those people stole that shit, too. I want him to mow my lawn. That's a trustworthy... I love him so much. There you go. Kevin Pollock, two for two. Same age. 38 special.

38 special. That's what we got to call this episode. 38 special. No, because it would give it away. Yeah, completely. Oh, yeah. We can't call it that. You could call it...

Hold on. Hold on. Hold on loosely. The Pollock's right. That gives it away, too. That's right. You don't can't call it that. You could call it The Pollocks. Hold on loosely. The Pollocks, right? That gives it away, too. That's right. You don't want to give it away. We don't want to give anything away, because you have to enjoy this.

Hold on loosely. Hold on loosely might be it. All right, that's story two. Dan, can you give us a little tease what we are going to look for in segment three? We have something that is dumb, but not bad. Great. I always love that. It's just a good little, a feel-good Dumb People Town story.

Feel-good dummies. Kevin Pollock's with us. This is Dumb People Town story. Feel-good dummies. Kevin Pollack's with us. This is Dumb People Town. Stay with us. One more segment. All right, welcome back to Dumb People Town. Again, we're- A.K.A. Kevin Pollack gets it right.

Kevin Pollack gets it right. We also want to mention that we're starting to work this thing, this drip thing that we're really excited about. It's like a Patreon scenario. Yes, there's going to be so many great opportunities. You're going to get bonus content. There's going to be opportunities for people to come see us free whenever we do something live. To support people who have been wronged in our community.

Oh, there is going to be a little bit of a play-doh level in there. So all I'm saying is we're going to announce it and kind of roll it all out. We'll probably announce it in the coming week or weeks. Yeah, I would say within a week after this drops. Within a week after this drops. Probably by the next episode. Okay, so we'll explain it all to you how it's going to go, and then you have a chance to, if you want to, get more stuff,

and you can always do that. But the show will continue for everybody who likes it the way that it is. It's investing in this town, and we will reward you for it. Oh, hell yes. I do want to talk to you because you are, among our friends, the one who has done, we were talking before, the Johnny Carson show. You did the tonight show. I'm the older friend.

No, you're our friend. I'm going to say a successful friend because to do that show is a big honor. And I know that Johnny loved you because he loved what you did on the show. And you were just telling a little story about, because you only did panel on that show. You didn't do stand-up. Yeah. So, well, that part of it is a much longer story that's in the one book I put out called How I Slept My Way to the Middle.

Not just a funny title and technically still available. Yeah, and he's still doing it. It's a very long story of how I took the reins, maybe the only time, of my destiny by my encounter with Jim McCauley, the gatekeeper of The Tonight Show, who booked stand-ups. The short version is he said, you're ready to do the show? And I said, I want to wait

until you can justify bringing me out to do panel like I have a movie or a TV show out. I think I'll have a greater impact. So there's a much longer

version story of that. So finally, Willow, the Ron Howard director of George Lucas produced. And they bring me out as an actor. So I know

from being a fan of the show my whole life, Carson loves Peter Falk and he loves impersonations. He does a few himself. Right. So Macaulay, in the pre-interview, spoiler alert,

there always is a pre-interview on these shows, and he says, what do you want Johnny to ask you for the first question? And I said, just have him say, I understand you do impersonations and I will launch into Peter Falk and in my mind thinking and change the course of my life.

I mean, I'm not much of a fan of his and the show. And you knew the impact of that show. Can I ask you, Cleven? Sure. Do you remember driving to the studio that day? I do. I remember that. They sent a car. That's the stuff I love about these stories. But that's the stuff I love is going there, waiting. This is where you're greeting them.

All of that. Who else is on the show do you know no standing I was bumped the first time because Sammy Davis Jr. sang four songs not three

which would have been weird yeah four because he only booked for two two three would have been weird he did four and I'm in my dressing

because you know you've called every human being you've ever known and your nerves are going crazy because if you don't call them and you're on you're going to hear it

the rest of your life yeah so now I have to call back 84 people and I'm kicking the walls in the dressing room of the Tonight Show because Sammy Davis Jr.

right is singing four songs and I'm losing my mind sure because you're not and then but he came in the dressing room after the show

and said I am so sorry. You kids with the whole shakunk-a-kunk. He literally said, shakunk-a-kunk. That's a quote. I thought you were shakunk-a-kunk. Yeah, yeah. So I remember standing behind the curtain, right?

And the band's playing their way to commercial. And I remember them coming back from commercial. And, you know, Macaulay's standing next to to me he's the one that pulls the curtain back from backstage and i remember hearing cars and say uh welcome back folks my next guest uh is uh he's an actor got a new movie out uh called willow we'll talk about that and i also understand he uh he does he's a stand-up comedian so we'll we'll get into that a little bit, too. Please welcome Kevin Pollack. I'd already decided, don't wave at the band like you've seen everyone do. You don't know Doc.

Don't be that asshole. You wave if you're invited back. You walk right to that fucking desk and talk to Mr. Carson. You go right to that chair. To the man. So I went up, and the king stands at the throne, unlike Lena, who would dance out from behind the desk later and hug you. I'm going to see him. Carson, the king, would stand at the throne.

You pass in front of him and you sit down. He sits down and he says, now, Kevin, we'll talk about Willow in just a second. Somebody told me that you do voices. Is that right? Without missing a beat, I taught myself to cross just one eye because Peter Falk was very open about having a glass eye.

I just crossed one eye, shot my arm up in the air, and said, Johnny, that's a bold-faced lie. And he literally lost his shit. He was clutching his chest, pushing himself away from the desk. Oh, God, that must have felt like the crowd going crazy. And now going nuts because they're watching him go crazy. They're watching him, and he's losing his mind.

Right, yeah. But, I mean, for you. Oh, forget it. Like, quick side story. We just got to go see the part two of the Gary Shanley documentary and even in there Gary said

when he got to Night Show he was like I don't know what else I do this is all I was and you saying

I geared my destiny towards that that's what Gary felt like about that show too and so you're like getting that last it's 1988 you know

it's five years before his retirement and it really was it was the pinnacle yeah and my heroes uh albert brooks uh steve martin rickles they they had sat on the couch and done their act right in the guise of conversation right so it was all geared towards that right and because he loved the impressions he

had me back on after that moment that first time two or three times a year until he retired and i and i'm telling you it's because i knew he loved peter funk that was the beginning that was the best way to open that was the best way to open that yeah and i'm sure he was just like he just yeah it's one of those things that like we understand when something were he knew that you were good for the show yeah and that's the other thing he's not helping you out you're actually helping the show up the best compliment. That's the other thing. He's not helping you out. You're actually helping the show out. The best compliment you could ever get being on that show was not that a routine went over, that a bit went over. The best compliment you could get was, Johnny really likes you. Yeah.

Right? Yeah, that was it. Amazing. Yeah, that's awesome. Oh, my God, what a great story. Chills. Chills. Me too.

Just cancel the show. I love it. Two miles from here, by the way. I know. Not even. So close. All right, ready for this? Let's see.

A dumb good person. Sent in by Josh Christopher at Barnes, Troy? B-A-R-N-E-S-C-O-M-M-A-T-R-O-Y. Thanks, Josh Christopher. I'm going to read you the headline. After breaking record for consecutive days eating chipotle but who wrote this like someone who does not speak english and that is like writing for like the international this is the headlines okay after breaking after breaking

record for consecutive days eating chipotle ohio man says he's ready for something new that's it yeah i thought he said ohio man'sus prolapse. You know what I mean? Like just something happening. Ohio Man says I took all the Chipotle like Daniel Van Kirk told me to. Remember that? Oh yeah. Dan. You can get all the free Chipotle Tabasco sauce you want. I understand. They don't care. It's for the customer.

How long did he eat it for? Well we'll get to that. He hadn't said. So there's a record that's been broken. Ohio Native. Ready for his name. Not a record. Record. Record been broken. I'm sorry, Kevin. You're saying record been broken?

I am. Records be breaking, y'all. Ohio native. This is like a Mexican supersize me. He's going on. He's doing some. He's doing something. It's like a Hispanic spurlock.

Ohio native. Bruce Wayne. Absolutely true. I will not accept that. Yes. Because he's not Gotham native? No. Finally ended.

He also doesn't have parents. Finally ended his Chipotle streak Wednesday after grabbing a meal at the Tiffin Chipotle branch. I'm assuming that he cannot afford it, but has a butler. Look at him. He's so Midwest. That haircut suggests he did some time in the military. Or went to Ohio State. He's at least all business.

He's all business. He's holding up an iPad for some reason. I want to thank him for his service before we make an idiot out of him. Sorry, thank you for your service. He saw the chat signal in the sky. Same thing he said to the young gentleman behind the counter at the Chipotle. Oh, wait, that's where we're going next. Thank you for your service.

Thank you for your service. And not to be outdone, the Finlay Courier reports, Mr. Bruce Wayne ended his streak in style by donning a bat suit and ordering mini quesadillas because, quote, leather isn't very forgiving. Oh, boy. This is him in a full-on bat suit. I love the tacos. Sir, I can't hear you.

You're just whispering. I can't understand a word he's saying. Sir, there's a lot of noise. Can you guys be quiet back there? What part of I love the tacos? All of it. I can't understand anything he's saying. Here's the only part that I understood

was what part of don't you understand. And then I can't understand. Guys. I love the sofritas. Sofritas. Again, guys. Can everybody stop? I can't hear what he's saying.

Who are you supposed to be, sir? Who are you supposed to be? We're teeing you up for it. Who are you supposed to be? Say it. I'm Batman. Okay, what do you want me to do with that information? I will say, though, the first trailer I saw for Tim Burton's original Batman, when Michael

Keaton is holding that guy up in the trailer and says, I'm Batman. I did lose my mind. Oh, it was great. I want you to tell your friends about it. It was one of the most magical. And then the other best part of the trailer is when that guy's running and he's behind the wall and he sticks his arm out and punches him without looking.

I'll never forget that. So not only has he been going to the Tiffin Chipotle for a long time, this is his regular shtick. And I wonder, do people realize what their name is and then become the type of person that makes it insufferable? Or was just that type of person given a name? I think he changed his name. Like, I don't think this is his name.

I think he's just going as this. I think he was born Bruce Wayne. I think he was born Bruce Wayne, but I would also like to jump ahead and predict what the number is that you're going to have us guess, which is the number of times he went to Chipotle. I have two more sentences before we get to it. Oh, no, but is that the number you're going to ask us? Yeah. Okay, guys, so we know that.

You just want to win again and be on the spot. Oh, I know it's 38. He's going to say 38. It's 38? He's going to say 38. It's absolutely 38. We have no rules against guessing the same number. When it opened way back in 2016, Bruce found that the restaurant's menu lined up well with his diet, and he set out to beat the

current record of non-stop eating from Chipotle. Nobody has ever said that about Chipotle. And I wouldn't call that a diet. It's very paleo. Are you going to tell us the known record? Yeah. Yeah. What he beat?

Yeah. Yeah. After posting online for as long as I have, no one has stepped forward yet saying there's a record in excess of what I've accomplished. So he's worried about competitive people. And by the way, he is trusting the internet to give him his information. Always good. No one online has told me that it's out of the record. By the way, if you eat Chipotle for like eight days straight, you start losing like, it's

not like bodily function. But you could really mix it up. You start to not use consonants. You could really mix it up. You could mix it up so that it's so different and basic. You could just do chicken and rice. Dan. Stop.

You could. Dan, I had Mexican food at my daughter's Les Mis cast party. And you found out it was Domino's. I get it. No, last night. And this morning, there were things happening in my body that felt like they weren't connected to my body. I don't know what that is, but I'm saying that was once, one meal. That's just Jews and onions.

Yes! I missed one meal. That's the title of this episode. Can I have my takeaway? Yes. My daughter's Les Mis one meal! That's the title of this episode. Can I have my takeaway? Yeah, yeah, yeah. My daughter's Les Mis cast party. Yes, I know. I thought we were going to take away.

That is... Please. I'm trying to tell her not to be an actress. Chapter seven. Yeah. My daughter's Les Mis. Which my wife had a few margaritas and then asks the drag queens who were there

to come and do a performance of a chorus line which is what they're going to do in the summertime in front of the kids. So a bunch of 12 year old kids some 11

some 13 while a 6 foot 6 in heels drag queen full made up sings or lip syncs

tits and ass to them Which you and your wife thought was a good idea. Which my wife thought was a good idea. Which my wife thought it was a good idea. I was just in the back going like, that's my wife. Silver Lake.

Silver Lake. 9-0-0-3-9. Anyway. That's what I did to teach my daughters their... The address. Our address. You made it into a song. And then every time you see something purely Silver Lake,

I'm like, Silver Lake. Silver Lake. Man in like a hat. It's 105 degrees outside of Wolf see something purely Silver Lake. Purely Silver Lake, I'm like, Silver Lake. Man in a hat, it's 105 degrees outside of Wolf Gap. Silver Lake. But Bruce Wayne had no intention of stopping at just the record. He went way past that. Way past. I'm going to ask you guys now, how many days in a row did Bruce Wayne eat at Chipotle? And you're not going to tell us the original record?

No, I will after you guess this number. Well, I'm done. It's 38. That's what you're going for? Absolutely. I know I'm wrong, but after you guess this number. Well, I'm done. It's 38. Okay. That's what you're going for? Absolutely. Okay. I know I'm wrong, but I have to say it.

You don't have to. Of course I do. 52. 52 days. Jason? 79 days. 79 days. So you're saying I don't have to stick with 38? No, you don't.

You're trying to be right three times, not right with 38. Okay. Since I've already set an all-time record for the show. Being right twice with house money at this point. Being right twice and with the same number. No one will ever touch that. Nobody will ever. If you go three for three straight up, that's like immortal.

But it's not going to be the same number, so it's a different record. It's fine. The record that I have will never be broken. So now I can just experiment. You said way beyond the record. Right. But the record could have been nine. Yeah, right. I mean, it's kind of crazy that there record. Right. But the record could have been nine. Yeah, right.

I mean, it's kind of crazy that there was a record. And the numbers you guys gave were? I said 52. You said? 79. 79. Jason said 79. Randy says 52 for people listening at home.

Kevin Pollock, who I guess is going third. As it turns out. After going first. Yeah. And second. You go second on the other one. I get to go third. I don't really hate 38, but I feel like I have to mix it up

wow I mean I'm surprised that someone went for a record ever yeah right

at Chipotle and then someone I mean I once went for a record of drinking margaritas there and got drunk that was one night sure

I know and that was three also that record existed that someone found out about yeah exactly so the initial record had to be more than what a normal person does right but you could say And that was three. Also, a record existed that someone found out about. Yeah, exactly. So the initial record had to be more than what a normal person does.

Right. But you could say 22 is more than normal. 22 could be a lot. If someone's like, I had Chipotle 22 days in a row, you'd be like, why? You're a madman. You're a mess. I don't even want to see your insides. Yeah, I think even 11. I want to take you to the hospital.

Would you guys feel better about your guesses if I gave you the record you beat? Or do you like just guessing into the wind? I like just straight up guessing into the wind. Are you feeling 38 is too high or too low? What are you leaning on right now? I'm a little torn because if you set out to set a record that he beat, but if you went out and decided I'm going to set the record, then you would have to go close to a month.

You'd have to. To even establish a record. By the way, a month is 30. It's crazy. So if you want to say 38, that's in your wheelhouse. I know, I know, I know. It's in your wheelhouse.

And what if it is 38, and you're getting off of it? You know what I can't lose? It's 38. 38, there you go. So, one more time, for everybody playing at home, get your answers in.

Randy Sklar says... 52. Jason Sklar says There you go. Pollock. One more time for everybody playing at home. Get your answers in. Randy Sklar says. 52. Jason Sklar says. 79. Kevin Pollock. 38. You know what he was going to say. I'm Batman.

You're who? I can't understand. Bruce Wayne. Master Bruce Wayne. Went to the Tiffin location. Maybe other ones as well. Where am I, Tiffin? The amount of days that he ate

Chipotle in a row I believe this is day is 38 500 oh my god now I don't believe it

now I don't I literally don't believe it the record was 425 500 days 500 days of Chipotle there's no one that listens to this show that went over 200.

There is no one who went over 100. I thought I was being extreme at 79. I did too. Wow. I thought I was out of control. Here's why I said there's nothing bad. It's actually just a fun little dumb people story. In honor of his dedication, Chipotle pledged to match the average amount of money Bruce Wayne spent en route to the record

and made a donation to the Seneca-based Financial Assistance for Cancer Treatment. All right. Chipotle, I love it. I wish they would have taken that money and bought real beef. That's my only question. It is good. You mean the pink barbacoa? Get the chicken.

Thank you, Batman. Outside this goal, he also takes care of intellectually challenged students and makes both paid and charitable appearances as his namesake, Batman. He's like a good little guy. He does good. He just loves his Chipotle. Franchise Mexicans. And diarrhea. He encourages

anyone with a passion to pursue it, says the local Chipotle staff. I wouldn't call this a passion. And says the local Chipotle staff treats him like family, which means they're slightly mad he's there and wants him to leave. I could be honest with you. I could have he's there and wants him to leave. Yeah. I could be honest with you.

I could have gone 510. You really could have. Yeah. Now he was just toying with you. At the beginning of that whole thing, he was wearing a utility belt. At the end, that thing did not fit. No, no, no. What was the previous record you said?

425, I believe. So that's insane. Still in its own right. In an amazing way. 125 would have been much, right? It would have been insane. In a post on his Instagram Tuesday Bruce Wayne says quote and we'll get out of here

on this it's not just the end of one adventure it's the start of a new one. What does that mean? Look out Hardee's I have no idea. From the trailer

from the new Batman movie I think. Oh the chicken. That's his new adventure. His new adventure. Oh the chicken. A solid bone. Guacamole's extra

is that fine? Yeah. Did you say yeah? Because the coughing I can't tell. Weacamole's extra. Is that fine? Yeah. Did you say yeah? Because the coughing, I can't tell. We can't hear you. We can't hear you. It sounds like you're just grunting. All right.

Well, before we get out of here, occasionally we do have a... A pipeline to the great beyond. And I can't believe we got this. I cannot believe he left us a message, but he heard we were talking about him. Peter Falk has left us a message. From the great beyond. Let's listen to it. You have

one new voice message. I don't know. I think it beeps. I can't tell. Hello? Yes. Geez, I don't know what to say. I've listened to the show and I'm a big fan. And

I have one question. Which one's Dan? I mean, look, if you're going to ask a question, I mean, look. It is great that he did have just one more, like one question. And part of me hopes that he thinks I'm Dan. Yes! That Randy and Dan and then just would love it if he called me Shelly Cornpet. All right, guys. Unbelievable. Kevin Pollak, thank you so much. Yes! That Randy and Dan. I just would love it if he called me Shelly Cornpet.

All right, guys. Unbelievable. Kevin Pollak, thank you so much. Watch the marvelous Mrs. Maisel. Run. He is Mr. Maisel. He is so good in this, and you guys will love him so much when you see this. Check that out. Hey, by the way, can people check out any of the Kevin Pollak chat shows still?

Is that a thing? Oh, yeah. It's all over YouTube, the video and then the audio. Those were, that was so fun to do. I was just, I just did it. I've had all three of you on. I've done it. It's like Charlie Rose without him sexually harassing you.

It's like Charlie Rose without all the touching. And fun. And fun. And actually, touching in a different way. It's touching in a different way. It really is a great show. It's one of my favorite interview shows we've ever done. So check out that back catalog of that. And, oh shit, we've got to get back to work. It is a great show it's one of my favorite interview shows we've ever done so check out that back catalog of that and uh oh shit we gotta get back to work it's a good show