Dumb People Town - Kiran Deol - Cauliflower Pizza Crust

Episode Date: October 15, 2021

This week Kiran Deol comes to town to hang with Daniel, Jason and Randy. This week's story is about the worst possible surprise you can find in a grocery store freezer.

Skypains, out of here. Hey townies, welcome to a Friday episode of Dumb People Town. Population deal! Population deal! Kieran Deal, welcome to the show. Oh, thank Town. Population deal. Population deal. Kieran Deal, welcome to the show. Oh, thank you. Hi. Wow. We bring you right in. We don't mess around. We don't mess around. This world is getting dumber as we speak.

I feel like, Jane, I got to see a little bit of your comedy as we did your awesome show at the TG, which is just super, super fun. Peacock is the name of the show. You guys have such radio presenter voices, and I feel like I have these caramel dulcet tones. I love your voice.

Your voice is a radio voice. Yes. Very much so. You guys feel like you got that, you're like, your energy level just went from like zero to 60. I know. We were sitting here, and then you're like, woo! Because there's just dumbness in the air and we have to break it down

and the only way that we know how is comedians to kind of sift through it and just, you know, mull it over. Let's get into it. Chew the dumb plug in.

Dan has a story. Give it to us, buddy. This was sent in by Steve Scheiffer at Scheiffer4. That's S-C-H-I-E-F-E-R. No one has ever called that dude Steve ever.

He's only Scheiffer. Scheiffer's here. Scheiffer! Even when he's not there, they go go what time is Shifer getting over here I always think of my Aunt Rita in

Canton Ohio old Jew as she would say his name with a question mark at the end Shifer Shifer Shifer

Shifer here's the headline she would also use that same tone when saying hoisin sauce hoisin sauce woman here's the headline woman accidentally puts hand in human feces When saying hoisin sauce. Hoisin sauce? Woman.

Here's the headline. Woman accidentally puts hand in human feces in grocery store. What? In grocery store? It's dumb people town. What aisle is that in? The flaxseed? No.

Where's the human feces? Karen, where is it? There's one word that really struck me in that one. Which one? Accidentally. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah right yeah well she's not gonna admit it was on purpose no i i like to think that she got in there and she was like let me do this yeah she's like it's wednesday let's go let's go baby well so now i'm starting to think like because

you know you've been to the grocery store when like there's you have to reach behind something sure yeah yeah maybe she reached in this place she couldn't see. More Oklahoma. This comes from KFOR in More Oklahoma. An Oklahoma man allegedly defecated in a grocery store freezer Sunday night. And a woman who was shopping accidentally

put her hand in it while reaching for groceries that were covering it. So she's the victim of just being in Dumb People Town. But what if she turns out like she does it and it gets her really excited and she's like, oh no, this is my thing. This is the worst thing in the world.

This is my fetish. An Oklahoma man. Yes. He shit into a freezer at a grocery store. Yeah, we kind of glossed over that. Yeah, you really glossed over that for fun. Oh, who knows? So did he get into the freezer and shit

or did he take his shit and put it in the freezer? Yeah, I want to get to the details. There is a time where your body can tell you you don't get to make decisions anymore. Oh, yeah. And your body says like- He's shopping and he's like, but there is usually a bathroom in a grocery store.

Yeah, but you gotta find it. Maybe they wouldn't tell him. And he's like, oh yeah, not gonna tell gonna tell me right he could have had a vendetta against one of the other employees maybe an ex or he just hates skinny cows how dare you put that stuff out also you and i don't worry jay she did not find out there's her thing this is a quote quote i pick up a bag of pizza rolls and they're literally shit shirley wright johnson said in a video of the incident human shit excuse my language i love that she said it once knew she said it said it twice again and then was like sorry for

the way i'm speaking pizza rolls jeez i'm shit from kieran on the internet so i did that yeah i did that i did that like I did that a long time ago. I'm like, I'm stuck with that shit now. You are. Excuse my language. You literally excuse your language. Forever. Totally excused.

A Sunday night trip to a Crest Foods store for Wright Johnson and her kids turned out to be more than what the mom bargained for. And to her kids. What is that chain? What is that? Crest Foods? I have no idea. Have you ever heard of it?

I don't do a lot of- I'm going there after this. I know, right? Anything goes. It's an adventure at Crest. At Crest Foods. It's a grab bag. She said, I was upset.

I was disgusted, she said in an interview for KFOR. Wright Johnson said she's still trying to comprehend what happened while picking up a bag of pizza rolls in the freezer section i grabbed the bag i felt something smushy on the back so i turned it over and there it was she said more police said it was human feces right johnson said there was another bag of pizza rolls that had been placed on top of it covering it up. I was so disgusted I was almost in tears. So if you are this Crest Foods you basically have to

and if I were running Crest Foods I'd be like burn it to the ground. We gotta burn the hole. For some reason I thought you were gonna say you have to let her go on a supermarket suite. She gets five minutes to get whatever she wants.

Unlimited pizza rolls for life. Unlimited pizza rolls for life. And also you tell her from now on when you come in one of our employees will grab whatever you want out of the freezer or off the shelf.

You never have to grab again. Did you ever live in New York? Very briefly. Okay, you know in the delis when people can't reach the top shelf, they have the claw, which is basically a stick with a little hand.

So you're like, I gotta get paper towels off the top. Instead of a ladder, you get the claw. So that's what she's allowed to shop with. They give her one when she comes in. She just gets one for the freezer. And the other kids are like, Mom, I wanna use it.

Don't you touch. You touch it, you'll get one to use it. Don't you touch. Don't you dare. This is a result of my trauma. Right. Someone's like, and other people know her and they're like, she went through a lot to get that cloth.

She did. We're going to take a quick break. When we come back, we're going to find out everything that Kieran's up to. Okay. I have one thing. Oh, go for it.

I have one thing. Give it to me. So, you know like how a dog, the dog buries their shit? He buried. He did make an effort to like, to roll bury it. Give it to me. So you know like how the dog buries their shit? He did make an effort to hide under the- Pizza roll barrier. Yeah.

He buried it. He wedged it between the rolls. Between pizza rolls. I love this. Also, do you think he thought to himself, what's the thing that people shouldn't be buying anyway? Yeah. He didn't go to the milk and eggs and bread aisle.

Exactly. He's not a monster. No, but it's Oklahoma. You should have known better. You should have put it with the cauliflower crust pizza. No one's going to reach him for that. Yeah, the cauliflower crust pizza crust food. Yeah, exactly.

That's going to sit for years. For decades. Somebody comes to me like, I'm here for the cauliflower. I'm like, man, we got shit on Pizza World. We got cauliflower crust pizza. All right, let's take a break. When we come back, we'll find out. We don't have it, but they have surveillance of the guy.

We'll find out about what he was up to. Oh, no, we're going to put that in our social clip. Well, there is. We don't have it. Oh, God, we got to find out. We'll get into all that and so much more with Kieran right after this. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Don't People Town.

Stick around, make a sound There's more Dumb People Town Hey guys, welcome back to Dumb People Town. Karen, please tell people, number one, how to follow you. And number two, if you're in LA, talk about the show Peacock that we did because it's at one of the coolest locations ever. As far as a comedy show, I will say, no matter the amount of people in the room,

and I think the room was like 30 people in there when we were there. Yeah, that's about right. But it's a small room and it felt amazing. So it felt pretty full and the laughs were just

bouncing off the walls and it was like. Where do you guys do it? We do it at Club TG. Oh, I love Club TG. Club TG, they have a back room and it's every Thursday

at 8 p.m. Awesome. Killer show. It's a weekly with really great people like the Sklars. We did it. I think this week we have Adam Conover on. Nice.

So it's a really good. Soon to be Daniel Van Kirk will be on that show. I'd love to. Yeah. I know. It's a, you guys mix in up and coming comics with one or two,

like Patton Oswalt has come and done it. And like. Aubrey Plaza's done it. So it's that mix of like you'll see someone you maybe have never seen who you'll become a fan of mixed in with someone that you love and it's a great way to support to support and you and Danny do a great job of hosting the show yes Danny Jollis is uh also we we kind of usually we round robin or we take it off and he's my he's my friend that I despise I know know. I hate that. Your relationship is so funny on stage.

I love it. And also, it's a show where you, what I love about this is that it is a free show, but you can donate at the end what you see fit, and people do, and the money goes to the comics. So it's a really, really awesome show. Plus, they have the burger guy out in the back who we made friends with.

The burger guy is so sweet, and then he'll give you burgers, and the drinks are amazing. Whatever that drink was that you had that I was like, I want what she's having. I'll have what she's having. I was hungover the next day. So hardcore. Because I'm like, wait, I can't drink like a young person anymore.

I can't drink like a cool person anymore. I'm sorry. It was awesome, though. It was strong, right? It was so strong, and I loved it. It was strong, and you loved it, and you had a great time. Oh, I paid the price. It was awesome, though. It was strong, right? It was so strong, and I loved it. It was strong, and you loved it, and you had a great time. Oh, I paid the price. It was worth it.

Wait, so, Karen, how can people follow you on the old Twitter? It's shit. I mean, this was really the perfect story for me. It was shit from Karen. Shit from Karen. K-I-R-A-N. K-I-R-A-N.

Guys, if you type in shit from, you'll find it. Karen probably goes straight to Karen. Or Crest Foods. Yeah. Or Crest Foods. Yeah. Or Crest Foods, or like pizza rolls. Your profile picture

is just a pizza roll. It's actually just, it was, I was like, I know this story. Ah, yes. That's from my page. The old classic.

The old pizza roll. Yeah. Let's dig in more to this. Lieutenant Kyle Johnson with the Moore Police Department said that they want to talk to the man seen in surveillance video. Sure they do. That individual

was then observed. If they only had DNA evidence. Was then observed, went to the cooler section where he proceeded to defecate inside one of the coolers before leaving the business. So he did it in there. He didn't take it and put it in there. No. He squatted it in. Which, by the way, had to have been a

cool experience. Did you use the lieutenant? Did you start with the word lieutenant? Lieutenant Kyle Johnson with the Moore Police Department. They're on the streets. This went up the ladder, Karen. This is who shit in the free- That's who's saying, hey, we got video of this guy. Oh, gotcha. I'm sorry. I was like, Lieutenant

Kyle Johnson. I was like, oh my god, it's all so official. I could just see he was like directed i heard it was an inside job they had to get internal affairs involved don't you you have to you have to go right now in order to do that no this is i think it's what i can't use public restrooms let alone the hate crime this is a or this is a revenge crime i think you i think kieran was right i think this is an is like sending a message to an ex-girlfriend who works here. Or to

the pizza roll people. Yes. Totino's, you're on blast. This is what you did to me once and now you're going to reap the rewards. According to Johnson. The man was also allegedly taking pictures inside the store. I don't know what that means. It's a little bit disturbing.

It's kind of out there. We don't see this much means it's a little bit disturbing it's kind of out there we don't see this much that's him distancing himself much all of oklahoma to be just don't you love them like oklahoma and like people like in the midwest like and we're from the midwest but they get judgmental of like la and new york and they're like there's some pretty disturbed people out there and then this happens right and then they're like no hey not, not here. Not here. Yeah. But much is definitely the key part there.

We haven't seen this since six months ago. So you see it some. And that wasn't even at a crust. That was at a gas station. The last time was when somebody pissed in a food for less watermelon. Come on. What? They said they were spiking it.

Wright Johnson said that she immediately alerted employees, cleaned her hands, and headed home with her two kids who she brought to the store. You're never going to get that. Quote, I bleached my hand. I disinfected my hand all the way home. My kids were still like, Mom, I can smell it. I can smell it. And I'm like, I smell it too, baby.

She's just made it into the article. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I smell it too, baby. I smell it too baby she says 100% I smell it too baby that is like a song I'm waiting for the internet it's a country song I can smell it too baby even two days later

Wright Johnson still struggles to voice her frustration with what took place you can't even put it into words to which I would say, we did put it into words. I can smell it too, baby. But this woman is never going to reach into anywhere that she can't see ever again. No, she's sending those kids in.

That's what they're for. Do they say the ages of the kids? I'm going to walk out of here and maybe get into my car and drive home after I make this statement. I literally... She has poo-TSD. There you go. Get back here.

Terrible. That's terrible. I wanted to drive home. KFOR KFOR reached out to Crest numerous times but never received a comment. They don't want to talk to you about this. They want to touch it less than this woman wants want to touch it they want this to go away right johnson said she was offered there's we're

gonna play a little game before we get out of here right johnson said that she was offered what store item by someone in the corporate offices to make up for her experience one item they offered her one item from the grocery store. Devastating. Not enough. You said pizza rolls for life is what you said they should have. I said for life. I will give you guys this.

It is not pizza rolls. Okay. I'm sure. So they offer her one store item from the grocery store. Is it pizza related? To make up for this. No. I will give you that hint as well.

So if you are a guest, you can go first. It's not a gift certificate. It is, hey, what if- One item. Yeah. What do you think they thought we could give her from the grocery store that would make up for this? If it's not pizza related, I feel like it's going to be produce. They're like, I think they're trying to pivot the customer to shame the customer.

Hey, you were buying pizza rolls but bitch maybe maybe you should get some bananas sure thank you so bananas and it's also very it sounds like this is a very cheap store i can't tell either bananas i mean just in just in the sense that they're only willing to give her one item they don't care they don't care that this woman just put her hand in shit so a bushel of bananas yeah, bananas are a low-cost product. So I think it's gonna be alcohol. And I'm gonna say like a case of White Claw. Okay.

That's a good one. Because her White Claw reached in and grabbed that boob and brought it out. A metaphor. I'm gonna say just a gallon of Purell. Cleaner. They've offered her cleaner. Bathe in it.

A Lysol. This is such a weird thing to only offer one item. I know. That feels weird. That's kind of... Why wouldn't the store just tell her, fuck you? I don't know. You're kind of saying that with one item. Right. That's what I'm saying. This is saying it without saying it. Someone in corporate offices, in an effort to make up

to the experience that Wright Johnson went through, offered her steaks. I almost said steaks. You did? I almost said filet mignon. Omaha steaks, maybe. Even though they're in Oklahoma. I don't know, but it's like, you want some steaks?

No. I don't want steaks. I guess in a way that, no, but it's like, we're going to give you some steaks. I know. It feels like it makes anything better. It's like we're going to shut you up with some steaks. But why not offer her like a hundred, like if you got three good steaks, that's about, you could

easily spend a hundred bucks. No way. No, it's like 75 bucks. No, if you're going with like a porterhouse, three porterhouse, that's about 32 bucks. She said one item. One steak? Yeah. One steak. They're not going to put three steaks.

They tried to lower the stakes by raising the stakes. There you go. By giving her steak. More police are investigating the situation, and in his update to this, it didn't add anything, but I can tell you, they did catch the guy. Oh, yes. Great. Can we learn more about him and his backstory?

There was nothing out there yet. That's all I found out. Danny, are you saying they identified his ass and they cracked the case there you go have you guys thought about going full true detective and like going on the scene and doing your own research like actually going to omaha is a flat circle yes 20 years into the future yeah just carcosa like i just started all my things in the past. I'm like, why is there a weird pizza roll sculpture made, circular things, and I'm just seeing drawings on refrigerators of the, oh, God.

It's got those true detective things. A lot of poop emojis from all over the internet. It's all over the internet. That's it, my friends. There we go. That is the show. We're going to do a little something with Kieran for our Patreon fans. Patreon fans, enjoy that. But for us, we're out. Oh, shit, we got to That is the show. We're going to do a little something with Kieran for our Patreon fans.

Patreon fans, enjoy that. But for us, we're out. Oh, shit. We've got to get back to work. Oh, shit. Can I give one more plug? Yeah, sure. Dynasty Typewriter, November 7th.

Yeah, let's do that. Dynasty Typewriter, November 7th. Check that out. Kieran is so funny. You guys would love her. Again, like I said, we're fans of her stand-up, and you just met her here, so enjoy. Hugs. This was delightful thanks

yay dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum stick around

make a sound on your here down, it's Dump People Town.