Dumb People Town - Kurt Braunholer - Butterfly Dick

Episode Date: November 1, 2022

This week Kurt Braunohler comes to town to hang with Daniel, Jason and Randy. The first story is about a fight over a toaster strudels that escalates way too quickly. The second story finds an unlikely surprise in someone's ear. The final story is a tattoo nightmare.

Skypains Avenue Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town! Population, population, brown hole earth. Kurt, are you a Curtis? Nope, just a Kurt. Straight up. It never dawned on me because you just feel like just a Kurt. K-U-R-T is just a Kurt. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. It's a good thing. It's a good thing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, is there such a thing as a K-U-R-T-I-S? I think it's just C, right? That's true, yeah. Well, you never know. I bet you could find it. I mean, I've met Dan's with two N's. Yeah, right right? That's true. Well, you never know. I bet you could find it. I've met Dans with two Ns. Yeah, right?

Come on, Dan. No, you have not. I bet there's a Curtis. Jeff Chase had a buddy named Dan with two Ns. He was a weirdo. Q-U-I-R-T-S-S. Curtis. Of course there is.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a K-U-R-D-T out there. Which also sounds like the call letters to a station. K-U-R-D-T. One of the three. But you're in town all weekend, Kurt. You talk about laundry and stuff. I do have a bit about laundry.

Let me go into it. All right, let's go do it right now. What's the deal with that? See him Friday night. He's doing five shows Friday night at the old Chucklehead. Anyway, so, Kurt, we've got to do comedy special. We'll talk about all that later. Here's the good news.

And you understand this with your podcast, Bananas. Look, the world's getting dumber. It's just a dumb place right now. Amazing. And the only way we fight back is through comedy. And you are here on a very auspicious, as we are in the process of, and we've switched it over, where we're doing the new format of the show where, you know, it used to be Dan does all the stories. And now we each contribute stories.

And so you're going to get to see it. It's so much fun because we each have a different angle of how we wanna do it. So Daniel, you got the first story. I do, I don't know if I should, I think I can make it through, I just realized I need to plug in my Apple PC. Dangerously low.

Beep, beep. No, I'm at 14, so I'm probably good. 14%, I don't know, man. It's not how old it is. 14's the horror movie. 14's the line. My wife has a computer that if it hits 45%, it just goes to zero

What? She has an Apple IIc? Yes she does It's from 1981 Okay you ready? This was sent in by Kyle Andrews One of my favorite handles on Twitter At Late Night Nachos

At Late Night Nachos I said tacos Which is great Okay here we go This is the headline. Argument over eaten toaster strudel leads to fight stabbing in Florida. Stabbing. Stabbing.

It escalates quickly in Florida. Even the fight, you know it's not about the toaster strudel. Oh, right. The knife makes it about like grandpa's. I am assuming he used that knife to then kind of lift it up. But what if their grandpas fought over a streusel? There you go. Yeah.

And now it's. What's the Wisconsin thing? Kringle. Kringle. Kringle. Yeah. Grandma made it. We made that joke.

Grandma made a Kringle and it's sitting on the floor. The dog's eating it. Oh, come on. It sounds like grandma took a dump on the floor. It's a big, flat pastry. Grandma made a pastry. It's a huge, flat pastry. Oh, the dog is in the Kring it. Oh, come on. It sounds like grandma took a dump on the floor. Grandma made it. It's a huge, flat pastry. Oh, the dog is in it.

Oh, come on. What's the one in New Orleans with the baby in it? King cake? What? What? There's a baby in it? Funnel cake? A baby in it? A king cake.

Look, Alyssa's on board. What's a king cake? I don't know what a king cake is. It's a Mardi Gras tradition. To put a baby into a cake. After the parade, you drag yourself over for brunch to your friend's house the next day before you get ready for another goddamn parade. And they serve king cake.

And somewhere in the cake is a little baby. So it's tiny. So it's like this. So it's not like a real baby. So you're going to swallow it. This. And if you find the baby. If you find the baby before you pass it, you get a prize.

In your stool. What do you get? If you find the baby, your local politician decides what you do with the baby- If you find the baby before you pass it, you get a rise. Eat your stool. But if you find the baby, your local politician decides what you do with the- No. No, I'm just kidding. If you find the baby, you then, I think, have to bring the king cake next year. Or maybe the next day, depending on your party regime. It's a baby, not a king cake. It's a king cake with a baby.

If a woman finds it, she has the right to choose what she wants to do with the baby. So nice. It's really nice that they give her that choice. Which is make a king cake. So nice. Okay. Louisiana. I can't believe you guys never heard of that.

No. No. First time. All right. Thanks, Kyle, for sending this in. A Florida man is accused of cutting his roommate with a pocket knife. Does that make it seem less? See, cutting, yeah.

It's less of a stabbing if it's a cutting. A cutting. And pocket knife, like a little kid knife. That could be like this big. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That could be like this big. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. That could be like gangsta. Just above nail file. Exactly.

Right? Can I? Actually, sorry, but the knife that's on a lot of clippers is what I'm picturing. Yes. So I think man is too formal for Florida man now. Now that we've done enough of these stories. Guy. A Florida dude.

Florida guy. A Florida guy. Florida bro. A Florida bro. these stories guy a florida dude florida guy yeah florida guy florida bro a florida bro like it should be downgraded from man because man to me reminds me of someone with a briefcase maybe like in a suit in like a yes video yeah that but also what it does make it funnier that florida man with briefcases stamps unfurled i had a hard day at the accounting firm. Can you think about it?

If you were writing a script, you're like, a man walks in. You're just going to think like Jimmy Stewart. Yeah. Right? What are you doing with that strudel? Don't put that strudel over there. Oh, boy. I think you can't use dude or bro.

You have to have like a- I like fella. A fella? A Florida fella like fella. A Florida fella. A Florida fella. Yeah, a Florida fella. So this fella walks in. Now you're already always a little drunk. This character.

He's walk around drunk. He does sound, but he sounds friendly. A fella sounds friendly. Yeah, that's true. What about this little fella over here? What was he doing? He was sniffing on a gas rag. Okay.

A Florida fella. Florida fella. If it's F-E-L-l-a i'm okay yeah yeah or bra what about just bra b-r-a b-r-a you a florida bra is accused of cutting his roommate with a pocket knife during a fight that began with an argument over a toaster strudel according to orange county sheriff's office a deputy was called to the nightshade community the nightshade community nightshade i always that is the sequel to silk stockings

yeah nightshade silk stockings just the opening credits had an effect on me so the so the guy who was like the police chief from Silk Stockings then also is now, he like is a detective. It's a spin-off. It's a spin-off. Spin-off series. So Nightshade's a neighborhood? I guess the Nightshade community. The Nightshade community.

Is that a bedroom? With a K? With a K. No, with community? No, that would be great too. And then you're like, enough Ks, Florida. Enough Ks. We stop at two. Oh, Nightshade. K-N-I-J. Yeah, Nightshade. Community? No. That would be great, too. And then you're like, enough K's, Florida. Enough K's. We stop at two. Oh, Nightshade. K-N-I-J-D. Ted Nightshade.

Yeah, Nightshade. Gonna hear some sweet sounds coming down on the Nightshade. Ooh, that was really good. You guys like carbonized. I was off on Stewart's. I'm back on Sting's. Yeah, we're back on that. But a Nightshade's a tomato. Tomato's a Nightshade, right?

I guess so. No idea. I think it is. Tomatoes and watermelons are nightshades. Nightshade also sounds like a Seals and Crofts song. Right? Sweet days of nightshade. There you go.

A deputy was called out to the nightshade community near the University of Central Florida shortly after midnight Monday, June 6th. So this is summertime. Monday. And it's a Monday, yeah. Toaster strudel Monday. I haven't had a toaster strudel. I don't really have a breakfast.

You don't have a toaster? I've got a great toaster oven. Okay, but you don't have like a, I need to eat this strudel here. No. Here's your coffee, guys. Coffee all the way. You have coffee in the morning? Do you have things that go with your coffee?

Like a little granola? I'll have a coffee and then I'll have later. Later I'll eat some eggs maybe. But I try and have, maybe I'll have a smoothie. Sometimes I have a smoothie, dude. You don't like to dunk a- But not Pop-Tarts. Yeah, dunk a Pop-Tart.

I'm not a coffee guy. Pop-Tarts are so good. Isn't that what a toaster strudel is? Yeah, that is. It's Pop-Tart. One time I picked up my buddy Bradford Wilson. This was back in the days living in Chicago. We were heading out to our hometown of Rochelle, Illinois.

And I ran in to get something to eat. It was in the morning. And I grabbed a Pop-Tart. And he just... You ever notice somebody will just casually say something to you that just changes you? But they didn't think it would. They just said it. To him, it's just a throwaway.

Yeah, he goes, you know, there's nothing in those that are good for you. There's nothing redeeming about eating that at all. Did you just throw it away? And I just never wanted another one. No, you didn't. Yeah, I was just like, yeah, he's like, there's no, it's just all bad. There's no food. It's not food.

It's all processed. You have put something in your stomach that your body will try to do something with, but none of it is beneficial to you. He's right. That doesn't mean they don't taste good. They taste so good. And he is not a nutritionist. Bradford? No, no, no. He's not.

He's just a guy with an observation. I don't even know if he knows that. Okay. Yeah, he wouldn't have remembered saying that to you. Not at all. I remember where we were. I remember everything. I bet, Dan, if you said that exact thing to him, he'd be like, really?

Yeah, right? With a Pop-Tart in his mouth. Right, really? You're shitting me. According to the report, a resident told an Orange County deputy that he was stabbed, so we switched from cutting, by his roommate after the two were arguing over, quote, past incidents. Past incidents.

Of course it's about the past. Where someone ate a toaster strudel that did not belong to them. I mean, you better mark that shit. Past multiple toaster strudel incidents. This is building up over time. This is over time. Come on, man. Eat one more of mine. I mean, you better mark that shit. Has multiple toaster strudel incidents. This is building up over time. This is over time. Eat one more. Come on, man.

Eat one more of mine. Come on, man. And then he's going. Right. Step, step, step, step, step, step, step. He was treated by Orange County Fire and Rescue while the deputy questioned the roommate. Ready for this? Griffin Crystal.

My favorite of the Harry Potter houses. Griffin Crystal. Griffin Crystal My favorite of the Harry Potter houses Griffin Crystal Griffin Crystal I'm from Slytherin I'm from Griffin Crystal I'm from Methyrin Anybody want to take a stab at it? I'm Griffin Sniffin' Crystal

At the spelling of Crystal Hufflepuff Want to take a stab at the spelling of Crystal? No pun intended C-G-R-I-F-F-E Hold on, it's Griffin Just Crystal K-R-I-S-T-A-L Okay, you're out stab at the spelling of crystal no pun intended c g r i f f e well no that's griffin just crystal k r i s t a okay you're out oh k r y you're out c r i s t a l l too many l's player boom that's it crystal crystal crystal told the deputy that his roommate slapped his phone out of his hand, picked

it up, and then held on to it. He held on to it. Held on to it. You want to smack it out? Maybe up high. I get it. You smacked it out. We're strudel fighting.

But you don't hold on to it. Everybody was strudel fighting. That crystal was fast as lightning. Because he was on meth. Yeah. In response, Griffin Crystal. Meth speed. This is the escalation.

So Griffin had a problem with him holding onto the phone. Sure. Right? Of course. So he's gone. I'll let you knock it out of my hand. Yeah, you knock it out all day long. All day.

You pick it up. You hold it over my head. Then you're pretending like it's yours. Then that's taunting. What if he held it and he was like, look at me. I'm picturing the roommate, whose name we don't know. We don't know the roommate's name. We don't know the stabber's name.

No, Griffin's the stabber. So Dave, I'm picturing, opens the cupboard, grabs the box of Toaster Stoodles, or maybe in the freezer, I don't know. It's empty. No matter where it is, it's the freezer. I don't know. It's empty. No matter where it is, it's where it's supposed to be, but it's empty. I'll just take what? Right. He's like, this has happened too many times for Dave.

Dave starts a Strudel fight with Griffin Crystal. So Griffin probably is like, if I leave the box up there, no Strudel in it, no Pop-Tarts in it. Then it just disappeared. Magic. Then he might think, did I have this last time? He might think he didn't have it.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. He's not keeping score. Whether they're young drunks or old drunks, both could point. Or they're high all the time. They all have blackout hours. So, young drunks, be free tonight. We're going to get sued. So then, that is when Crystal told the deputy that Dave smacked the phone out of his hand and held it.

In response, Griffin Crystal then used pepper spray on his roommate. What? The pepper spray doesn't even make the headline. That is how Florida this story is. We went from, I've got your phone, to pepper spray. That's too big of an escalation. He definitely was like, give me a reason

to use this pepper spray. Right. Any reason. And where is the pepper spray? Is it always on his person? No, it's right next to the actual pepper. Right?

Is it like in the cabinet next to the pepper and the salt and the garlic salt pepper spray? It's one of those auto, it's like, mmm.

Yeah, right? I mean, like, if I was writing this headline, it would be, Man named Griffin Crystal maces and stabs roommate. Over Pop-Tart. I would say, knife, pepper spray, all tools for Griffin Crystal. That would be the headline.

All tools used in brutal fights. My headline would be like, When pepper spray wasn't enough, man stabbed roommate over pop time. He just kept coming. Man pepper sprays and stabs roommate over stupidest argument ever would have been mine. So in response, Crystal used the pepper spray on his roommate, we're calling Dave, and took out his pocket knife for protection.

So he's like- Sprayed him and then- Sprayed him and then he's like- You coming at me? You coming at me? Now, this is defense. You can't see anything but here. Both men and a third roommate.

Oh, God. Who's getting, who's, at this point, there's pepper spray in the apartment. Everybody's getting pepper spray. This dude has been missed. Everybody's been pepper sprayed. In the kitchen. So you're going to taste that for the next several weeks. In your food forever.

Both men and a third roommate each recorded portions of the fight. So in the middle, each person is at certain points trying to record. Well, but doesn't Dave have Crystal's phone? I bet you he dropped it. It's hard to hold onto a phone when you've got pepper spray. In those videos, according to the report, Griffin Crystal is heard calling his roommate a swear word and a criminal before apparently putting his phone close to the roommate's face.

Then he holds it up to his face. That's been pepper sprayed. The roommate then smacked the phone out of his hand and it fell to the ground. Again. Again. Again. Oh, boy. I think.

The deputy noted, or maybe that was a replay of how we got to that point. Yeah, that's how we got there. The deputy noted that Griffin Crystal immediately pepper sprayed his roommate. At some point, the roommate pins Griffin against the wall with one arm against his chest and appears to try to delete the video off his phone. To delete the video? This is so hard to do. He's holding him up and trying to delete the video while holding him. What's your passcode?

But the guy who got pepper sprayed is trying to delete the video. Off of Griffin's phone. Wouldn't he want the evidence of being pepper sprayed is trying to delete the video. Off of Griffin's phone. Wouldn't he want the evidence of being pepper sprayed? Yeah. Yes. No, he's so weird. During the struggle, the roommate was cut on his forearm with a pocket knife. That shouldn't be too bad.

The report stated, after that, Dave left, he left and let Griffin Crystal go and called authorities. Griffin was arrested on charges of aggravated battery. If I only had evidence of him spitting. I deleted it while holding him against the wall. And aggravated assault. By the way, it just goes into your deleted videos. I'm sure he didn't delete it and then go into deleted videos and then remove all recent videos. He didn't do that.

He told the deputy he used the knife for protection against Dave, to which I'm sure the cops said, you mean after you pepper sprayed him? Yeah. And then stabbed him with, cut him with said knife? Dude, he had him up against the wall. He was deleting videos. The other roommate, Dave, not arrested. No.

The third roommate, I don't know anything. The third roommate is like, I need to start. He's on apartments.com looking for him. Right, right, right. Yeah, I got to get out to start. He's on apartments.com looking for me. I got to get out of here. We'll get over here on this. How old is Griffin Crystal? What age do you feel?

Midlife roommate guys? Old people? Young? Griffin's such an old name, but it's also a young name. I'm sure there are kids at your kid's school named Griffin. I know a Griffin. I know my friend Howie's kid's name is Griffin. Yep.

Griffin, stop it. That's what I think of when I hear Griffin. Griffin, stop it. Griffin, put it down. Griffin, Griffin, stop it. So we went up to the vineyard. We went all the way up to the vineyard, and we had a Griffin. Griffin, stop it.

Griffin, stop it. Get down. Stop it. Get down. He did not throw that at you. Get down. Griffin, Zeus, Thor, everybody down. Griffin, put it down. Stop it. Get down. He did not throw that at you. Get down. Griffin, Zeus, Thor, everybody dance. Put it down.

Everybody stop. So there was an Airbnb that I'm telling you. Griffin, no. Okay. What's your- 22. 22. Jay, what do you think?

God, I want him to be 68. Do it. 68. Okay. 41. 41? One of you is only one year old. All of you have the option to go up or down a year. I'll go 23. Okay. 41. 41? One of you is only one year old. All of you have the option to go up or down a year.

I'll go 23. 42. 67. Ooh, that's me. Someone's at the phone. 67. Okay. Griffin Crystal.

Shout at your ham radios, people. Is 21 years old. Oh! You were so close. It hurts. It hurts like the pepper spray. It hurts. Way too close.

Great first story, Daniel. Rory's up. Rory. I'm on a different show. I know. Randy is up next. I know. Randy's up next.

This is not Pen Pals. This is, of course, Dumbbell Time. You guys do have the same initials and never dawned on me until now. RS is up next. RS is up next. By the way, if you haven't checked out Pen Pals, check it out. Yeah, fantastic show. Great show.

And Bananas, fantastic podcast as well. And we'll tell you other things that Kurt Braunohler is doing, including his amazing stand-up special. Special, which you can get. We'll tell you exactly how to do it right after the break. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Don't People Town.

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dumb hey guys welcome back to the show it is so nice to have you back here thanks i don't know what you did in your break you probably uh i don't to have you back here. Thanks. I don't know what you did in your break. You probably, I don't know, maybe you made a Dagwood sandwich. I don't know when you're listening to that. That's like a very harsh. Oh, Dagwood. Midnight sandwich. Shaggy also would have. Can you imagine eating that big of a sandwich at midnight?

You know, they had a sandwich shop. There was a Dagwood. Called Dagwood Sandwich. Yeah, there was a Dagwood Sandwich Shop. I dated someone who ghost wrote the book about dagwood sandwich shop i was on set two days ago and they were ordering sandwiches for everybody humble bride and i said i love sandwiches and i said uh it was jersey mike's and i go oh dude jersey mike and i go i'll take the mini right and the pa doing the stuff goes a mini and i go yeah like you just

want a mini i go look i'm not trying to change your life, but if you made a sandwich for yourself for dinner in your house, it would be smaller than the mini at Jersey Mike's. Yes, it would. But you walk in and you go, well, regular. I'll get a regular. I'm a regular person. If I walked in your house right now and you were making a regular,

Jersey Mike's regular size sandwich, I go, are you in some sort of bet? Is this like a TikTok thing? You're making me want the Capistrami sandwich from Capriati's. Oh, don't even get me started on you. Don't even get him started. All right, well, here's what I do want to get started talking about is telling our fans about Kurt Brono's new stand-up special. First of all, I've seen clips of your old stand-up special or your last one that you've done that has been like wafting across my TikTok and it is so funny and so good.

It's like, usually I see some standup, I listen to the first like minute, first like 30 seconds of it and I'm like, jeep, move on. Yours are like the bits that I listen to all the way through. They're so well thought out, so funny in my brain. I keep going back to the story of the bees. Did the bees make it on this one? The bees is on this one.

Yeah. Bees is one of my favorite bits. I'm just going to say the bees. Oh, thank you. If you want to see the bees. So I love that you did this, your stand-up special, and how it's being rolled out because it is- It's kind of the new way that I think a lot of us and people at our level and comedians

that we all love will be putting their stand-up socials out and it's super contingent on people supporting us. So we go to Garage Sales. We play it for you in your house. No, no, no. This is the sort of new way for comedians to share their stuff. And it gives us a chance to shout out our friend Bart Coleman who is a part of

Moment House. Yeah, it's Moment.co. Moment.co. I did a show with him. It was great. Fantastic. I love him as well. So Moment.co, right? Yeah, it's moment.co. Moment.co. I did a show with them. It was great. Fantastic. I love them as well. So moment.co is a place that does a lot of live virtual shows

and whatnot, and they were fantastic during the pandemic, but have continued on. Yeah. So your special is when this drops, we're recording this the week before,

but when this drops on Tuesday, it'll be right smack dab in the middle of your stand-up special. Of my moment. Yes. Your moment.co. Go to moment.co and you can buy a ticket. Search Kurt Braun on your find. It's only $10.

$10. You're supporting this great comedian and great friend of ours, and you will see a fantastic special. You'll hear the bees bit, which is one of my favorite bits. Thanks. What's the name of the special? The name of the special is Perfectly Stupid. Great.

And there's a post credit scene that just like a Marvel movie where they introduce a new character. I had some data scientist friends of mine have written an algorithm for me that will write, like they fed it just thousands of hours of stand up. And so you can give it prompts and it writes like 500 jokes in a second oh my god uh and so it's me performing with jokatron

like a six-year-old it's so good all right so moment.co perfectly stupid uh is uh kirk brunner's new special go and enjoy it this week this is it's super important we ask let's see if we can get him 10 000000 downloads of this thing. Let's do it. I think we can. We have a lot of people listening to the show. Let's do this and support comedy this way. And it might set the table for our specials coming up.

You never know. We want this to be successful. So this is a great thing. Again, moment.co, and it's called Perfectly Stupid. Kurt Braun, $10. Watch it. This is what you're doing this weekend is watching this special, and you'll be so happy that you did

and then let us know tag us tag Kurt and just be like hey I loved your special this was a great way to do it thank you guys I appreciate it

so you got that and then you have the podcast Bananas so fun if you like this podcast you will love that podcast are you doing any live dates to the end of the year

or next year we just finished our last two we just did Minneapolis and Kansas City where'd you do in Minneapolis Parkway Theater which we love dude it's so awesome how'd you do did you do The Parkway Theater Which we love Dude it's so awesome

How'd you do? Did you do well? Did you sell it out? It was great We didn't sell it out But we came close And it was great Love that place

I think we're gonna be Taking dumb people down there Hopefully You have to I love those guys The people who run that theater They're great We did stand up there

For the 10,000 Laughs Festival Which was phenomenal And I just love it And that festival Was enjoyable I hope that we all Get a chance to do that next year as well. All right.

Shall we do or talk about what we have going on real quickly? We've got some stand up dates, some live dates. We've got we're going to be in Rochester, New York. We're going to have comedy at the Carlson. Have you ever done that place? Great. When are you doing that? Nice.

November 10th through the 12th. Then we're going to be in Alaska. Alaska in December. We're doing three cities. It's a three city jaunt that we're doing on December 8th through the 10th

I think Fairbanks Anchorage maybe in one more one more and so we'll be there but you can get all the tickets on supersclaras.com are you guys

are you doing it with those guys who live out those comics who live out in Fairbanks I think so I think you fly

into Fairbanks have you done this yes I did I did like two nights in Fairbanks and then one night out at. I think you fly into Fairbanks. Have you done this? Yes, I did like two nights in Fairbanks and then one night out at like a military town in the middle of nowhere. How was that? Was it fun? Dude, it was so

awesome. Look at us. That's what I'm thinking. It's a town that has like a stoplight and one bar. It's the bar in town. Fuck yeah. And it was packed. There was no seat empty. It was like 200 people in this bar and did stand up, and everyone loved it. So we're going to Everett's in Wasilla, Alaska, The Bear Paw on the 9th in Anchorage, and Edna Wise Firehouse Theater in Fairbanks.

Nice. How about that? How about that? It's going to be dark at like 2 in the afternoon. It's going to be so hard. And then we're going to do Denver. We're at the Comedy Works, the South Club, which we haven't done in so long. We're going to do that in January, January 19th to 21st.

And then American Comedy Company in February, the very first. And Moon Tower. We're back at Moon Tower next. All those things are coming up. Superschoolers.com. That's how you check that out. And then, of course, The Nosebleeds, our show, which is show which is the reboot of cheap seats on UFC fight pass which is up and rocking and you can see all the episodes on UFC fight pass but watch the first one for

free you can go to our Instagram at Sklar brothers link in the bio watch that leave a nice comment that all helps Daniel let's just jump in the story I'll do mine after okay you ready for my story okay I saw this and this is insane I literally the pictures we'll put up on our Facebook page, but it is amazing. Of course, I'm going to give a trigger warning. This story is from the New York Post. Oh, my gosh. If bad journalism triggers you, I'm just letting you know right now, I'm going to be really angry at the way this story is reported.

But it's going to be a good headline. Okay, here you go. Griffin Crystal. Surgeon in quotes. Okay. So we don't know if he's a surgeon or she. Struggles to remove live snake from woman's ear in viral video.

What? This is sent in by We Talking About Practice. Oh, nice. At notagame underscore AI. So, wait, wait. So, I've watched in multiple videos, like someone pull a bug. Yeah, like a bug out of someone's ear. I don't know. In multiple videos?

What's your TikTok? Part one, part two, part three. This algorithm is coming in. What's your TikTok? Weird stuff, Dan. It's such weird stuff. Is that a camping thing? Like you go camping and something crawls in your ear? No? Weird stuff, Dan. It's such weird stuff. Is that a camping thing? Like you go camping and something crawls in your ear?

No, I don't know. It didn't seem like it. This was like a doctor's thing. Do you remember there was an episode of Alone where a bug flew into the guy's ear? In his ear. And he was like, I might have to tap out. Right. And he was really good.

Yeah, yeah. But he was like, this is just, all you need is something like this. He's like, I can hear it in my head. It was on Alone? Yeah, on the show Alone. alone yeah the new season no it was like African wasn't he I can't remember South Africa he lived with it he just it was like that simple he was like well I might do with dreadlocks no if don't think so remember that listen if this is not a surgeon then call it what it is yeah okay her drunk boyfriend all right her steps her steps and i don't know i'm just saying like don't new york post don't call it a surgeon in you know what i mean that upsets me why yeah

why okay or were they like we've taken liberties with the rest of the headline but it was a surgeon so we had that word that's a quote because that made. We don't know how because we're work for the New York Post. We don't know what quotes I'm going to say. I'm now going to I'm now going to start reading the New York Post article. I'm just letting everybody know. All right. Thought a snake in your boot was bad. I don't like

boy. There's not on record. I don't like a toy story. I don't like. Yeah. Oh, that's a great snake in my boot. But I also don't like I don't like when... Yeah. Oh, that's a great... The fucking air's all... There's a snake in my boot. But I also don't like... I don't like when articles talk to me. Like, I don't like when menus talk to me. You're going to love these mashed potatoes.

No, we're not. Just tell me how much they are. Just tell me what it is. Who are you talking to, menu? Shut your fucking mouth. That old 19th century idiom is nothing compared to the one in your ear. Okay, shut up. Shocking footage captured the alleged moment.

Okay, so now- So it didn't happen? Like, are you reporting it as happening or not? Right, right, right. That a, quote, surgeon, again, tried to remove a live snake that infiltrated a woman's ear. Video of the herpetological surgery.

Is that a thing? It must be. It must be. Has racked up more than how many views at the writing of this article? This is like YouTube or social media? This is a video of it. It feels like TikTok. How many views? 10 million.

10 million, okay. 3.6. Jay, what do you think? You can round me up if you have to. 7.2 million. Get your answers in at H hometownies because it has racked up more than 125 000 views that's not that many we have stand-up clips that are more than that this is because you never know are you an article that is telling everyone about it right or are

you saying you're trying to break it wider these views yeah you're getting it early early yeah also i love that there's no, it's alleged, there's quotes. We don't know. Not even an email. Not even a direct message being like,

are you a surgeon? Right. Did this actually happen? No. Nothing. Just watch it once. If they are a surgeon, very easy to find

on the internet. There's so many lists of doctors. Dan, do you think the clickbait to get you into this article isn't the headline? It's like, you won't believe how many views this video of a snake being taken. It's only 125,000.

It's not a lot. Look what she pulled out of herself. That's right. Okay. So, time to pull the snake out of the hole, I guess, is really what it is. As viewers speculate whether or not the squirm-inducing footage is authentic, quote, the snake has gone in the ear, reads the caption to the bizarre Facebook clip. That would kill you, right?

That would definitely kill you. Probably. It would definitely kill you. How is a snake getting in there? Is it a little baby snake? It has to be. It's got little teeny tiny babies in it. Are you the seriously hardest sleeper ever?

Like you just don't wake up at all? Right. Do you have gigantic ears? Are you Dumbo? I mean, listen. What is – And then when you hear kind of how it is and how they're trying – and there's some pictures of how they removed it.

So anyway, by Chandan Singh to his – how many followers did he post this to? How many followers does Chandan – Is this the guy who removed it? He's the guy who posted the video. But he's not the guy who tried to remove the snake. He just posted the video. But he's not the guy who tried to remove the snake. He just posted the video. And he's not the snake.

He's a social media star. He's just not the snake. Wait, he's an influencer? Yes. He's an Indian influencer. He's an Indian influencer, but he only got 125,000 views on this. So how many followers does Chandan Singh have? I'm guessing he doesn't have a ton.

What do you think? I'm guessing 10,000 for 125,000 views. Jay, what do you think? 42,000. I'll split it-ish. I'll go 22,000. Okay, get your answers in town. 678. 20,127. Damn! Jesus, Dan!

However, it is unclear when or how this unfortunate event transpired, a local outlet, the Economic Times, reported in a nearly four-minute clip, an alleged medical practitioner can be seen using tweezers in a desperate attempt to extract a black and yellow serpent that is peeking its head out of the female patient's ear. So literally, the person who wrote this article

only knows that they watched a video where someone took a snake out of somebody's ear, and they're hoping it's a surgeon. Yeah, they just watched it once. I assume they're not dressed like a doctor. No. No. Okay, so unfortunately, despite the Swiss Army Knife's

worth of tools from forceps to Q-tips and the actual Q-tip from a tribe called... No. No. He fails to wrestle the reptile from its unorthodox birth. The now viral clip ends without revealing whether or not

the surgery was successful. That's what it says. No, no, no. No, no, no. I literally copied that. Multiple S's. This is New York Post. I hate you.

Leaving viewers shocked and appalled. Why didn't you make it shocked and appalled? Right. You're a news organization, allegedly. All right. Go find out what happened. Yes. Go track it down.

This is what news organizations do. Go find this surgeon. Go check out Chandon and reach out to him. They looked at Facebook. That's all they need to do. That's New York Post. Yeah, they're just like, look, I saw a thing. I love that they're up.

I saw a thing. Nothing. No more. Hey, guys, I saw this thing. Let's put thing. Nothing to know more about. Hey, guys, I saw this thing. But let's put this in our newspaper. Literally put this in our newspaper. Go get the Scooby Dummies. It's barely good enough for Facebook, Dan, and it's in the New York Post.

Yeah. So here's my question. Can you imagine this woman? If this really did happen, can you imagine this woman moving forward with her life? No, you're done. I think it could kill you. She's alive. Do you put that?

How would we know if she's even real it's true so to me like does she put that in her dating profile what if she's like what if her real curse is that she's the most honest person in the drinking for two whisper sweet nothing's in my ear we all want to hear it. You know what I mean? I'm going to get up the pictures of this thing. It's insane. I like drinking for two. I can't sleep unless I'm blackout drunk. I have a snake in my ear.

Oh, my God. You would wake up, right? Hold on. You would at what point? When a snake climbs in your ear? Yes. Was it a dare? I still don't understand.

Get out of here. Let me see. Get out of here with that. Let me see. It can't be real. That's so insane. It can't be that real? It's amazing.

The size of that snake head, the majority of her brain would be snake. It would have to back in there. I'm glad they went with something else, but this was a concept cover for Guns N' Roses. We're going to post this picture on our Facebook page. Live and let die. With a trigger warning. That looks like they're just trying to feed it. This is fake.

I'm calling it. 100% fake. Thank you. It's got to be. It would be her whole brain. New York Post reported on it, Dan. You don't trust them as a news organization? Dan and Kurt.

This big? The head is this big. That's got to be a snake this long. So here's my question. This is the length of your ear canal. If I was the surgeon, okay, what I would do is I would get an injection. This is probably also what he said when he did this. If I was the surgeon, I would take an injection. If I was the surgeon, but then ruled the world, I would take an injection.

If I was a surgeon. Then again, no. I'm not. All right. What would you do? I would take a sedation and inject it. It's sedate the snake. Why aren't you sedating the snake?

Because then it falls asleep. It falls deeper into the brain. No, it's not going to fall deeper into the brain. Look, they're trying to get it out. I'm not looking. I'm trying to tweeze it out. It's so're trying to get it out. I'm not looking at it. Trying to tweeze it out. It's so funny to tweeze it out. It's so cute.

It is really kind of cute. It is. Can you just picture this not-surgeon talking to the snake? All right, knock that off. Come here. Hey, stop. Hey, hey, hey. So here's the best part.

What was the quote that was just on the video? The now-viral crib. The snake in ear. The snake is in the hole. The snake is in the ear. The snake is in the ear. The snake is in the ear. I love it. There's no articles.

So here's what some unconvinced Facebook commenter said. He looks like a bogus doctor. That's the thing you picked up on? That's the takeaway. I don't even know how can you see,

like I just see the tweezers. I don't see any. Well, there's probably a whole video, right? It looks like a bogus doctor. That's why they're pulling off so many tricks. Instead of a doctor,

a snake charmer would have extracted the snake. What if you did play a snake charmer? What if you got a guy with a recorder to get the snake to come out of there? However, some viewers thought the clip was fake with one calling it 100% false, while another one wondered how it managed to fit the rest of its body in the air canal. One skeptic thought it odd that the snake was poking out head first. You guys have that thing. And this would mean that it crawled in her ear and then turned around in such a confined space. Then you're dead.

Right, you're dead. The veracity of the video notwithstanding, this wouldn't be the first time an uninvited pest has colonized someone's hearing canal. We talked about this. In January in New Zealand, a man realized every, this is entomophobes' worst nightmare after a cockroach infiltrated his ear and stayed there for how many days?

Did we do this story? I don't know. Maybe. How many days? I would say three. What do you think? 31. 14.

One of you is exactly right. Who do you think is exactly right? I say me. Three feels strong, but I got to believe in myself. I believe in myself. All right. Get your answers in. If it's 31 and we did this story and I somehow remember that, it's not.

It stayed there three days. There you go, Kurt. Daniel. Daniel. Oh, you got it. I just believed in Kurt, but I didn't. Meanwhile, a snorkeling tourist in Puerto Rico suffered a similar fate with a crab. A crab?

Crab in the air. Crab in the air a crab. A crab? Crab in the ear. Crab in the ear. I've got crabs. Crab in the ear. I've got crabs. Where are you putting your ear that a crab arrives at? They're not flying through the water. No, no, no.

Tiny, tiny little crab. You know what I mean? Tiny baby crab. Still. Still. If that happened, it's because at some point in the process, you said, I'm just going to see what happens. I wonder what he's really saying.

I wonder what he's thinking. I want him to whisper to me. So that is it. That is the story, you guys. It kind of is crazy. That's horrible. Dan, Jay, you want to give us a little tease as to what we're going to see on this last?

There you go. Ready, Jay? Go for it. What are we going to see in segment three? Do you remember it? Let me see this. Jay, I love you. Get your brain jarred.

It's bad tattoos. Bad tattoos. It's bad tattoos. I'm all for bad tattoos. We're going to do that on the other side of the break and Patreon fans, Kurt is going to tell us

a dumb story of something dumb that he did and we're going to break it up. Or maybe a dumb story that he's covered on bananas or something like that from his life.

We'll all do that on the other side of the break and then we'll find out what Dan's got going on. This is Dumb People Town. Stick around. Make it sound for more Dumb People Town. This show, guys, is sponsored by BetterHelp. And navigating any of life's challenges can make you feel unsure,

whether it's a career change, new relationship, or becoming a parent. Therapists are trained to help you figure out the cause of challenging emotions and learn productive coping skills, which makes therapy the closest thing to a guided tour of the complex engine called you. Better Help has connected over 3 million people with licensed therapists. It's convenient and accessible anywhere, 100% online. So obviously, you know, we are therapy people. My wife is a therapist.

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BetterHelp.com. Betterhelp.com slash DPT. Betterhelp.com slash DPT. All right, guys. You want to do a couple of shout-outs? Yes. Before we jump into more stories that one of us are reading. Okay, ready? This is a townie.

Yep. It's open to interpretation, but I'm going to try my best. Dan, do it. I love when you try. Meredith DePepe. DePepe! Hey, Meredith DePepe. Is that what you would go with? DePepe. Is that what you would go with? Yeah. Meredith DePepe. DePepe! Hey, Meredith DePepe. Is that what you would go with?

DePepe. Is that what you would go with? Yeah, Meredith DePepe. DePepe. DePepe. Yeah. I like a good second capital letter in a last name. There you go.

I love a second capital letter. Speaking from personal experience. Yeah, that's right. And Ben Kirk. Okay, I'm going to try again. Matt Stockle? Matt Stockle. Yeah.

He brought pretzels again to the party. You want to get Stokel? Stokel? I think I'm going to go Stokel. I'm Stokel, dude. Stokel. I'm Stokel. He's a true local.

Stokel's a true local. He's also only referred to by his last name. Stokel's coming over. Is it cool? That's right. I actually call it a true local. A true local. Hey, Stokel's in the garage.

Stokel's in the garage. Stokel's in the garage? He's drinking. He's got the beers. He said he'd wait here until you got home. He's warming up the beers. He brought his pet rat. All right, next up. Oh, he's a true local.

Yeah, you said. All right, another one. Will Copeland. Will Copeland, dude. Will Copeland. The Stuart Cope. Will Billy Cope. He's on the drums, on the skins.

And then another time, just Ben. Ben. Ben. Gentle Ben. It seemed like in the 70s there was a lot of animals named ben accompanying humans on i mean that's all michael jackson oh really remember he had that song ben yeah no dan you don't know ben no dan we can't dan you don't know ben dan dan we can't we gotta get back to the story okay get back to the story wesley reed wesley reed dear taxes wesley full name wesley reed memorial hospital well my son goes to wesley reed high middle school

okay at your local uh angela vaughn this is ben yeah this is angela this is your shout out i've never heard this song in my entire life. Dan, I thought you were referring to this song. No. This isn't Michael Jackson. This is singing. I've never heard this song in my entire life. We are looking for

No, we've got to move on. I don't like any of this. That sounds like the end of a bad movie from 1978. As he's singing that, he's thinking about... No, he's a young kid. He hasn't gotten to that place. What amusement park rides? That's Michael Jackson?

Yes. That's Michael Jackson. Young Michael Jackson. MJ. The only MJ that matters in this world. He did do music before Thriller did. The only MJ that ever did anything. I know that.

I just have never heard it. All right, Angela Vaughn. Angela Vaughn. Angela Vaughn. Wesley Reed, by the way, too local. I know. Thank you, Wesley. Jose Chavez Ravine.

Jose Chavez is the only tequila I will drink. Really? Yes. And the things he did for migrant workers in the 1960s. Unbelievable. All right, Pillar of the Community. Yes, Pillar. Kathleen Smith.

Oh, Kathleen. Come on, Kathleen. All right, next up. We. Yes, pillar. Kathleen Smith. Oh, Kathleen. Come on, Kathleen. All right, next up. We love you. Shanda Douglas. Shanda. Shanda. Shanda, Shanda, Shanda, Shanda Douglas.

What is that? A Michael Jackson song? Shanda, Shanda Douglas. That's from the RRR soundtrack. That's Kevin Beanie. Kevin Beanie. Kim S. Kim S.

Kim S. Miss S. Kim S. Miss. Little Kim S. In a mini dress. All right. Next up, Little Andy Parks. And Rec. What?

Andy Parks and Rec. Andy Parks and Rec. Andy Parks and Rec. I don't like that. Okay, next one. Pillar of the Community. Dan, if you get this right, if you get this right, Dan, you get a cookie. Dan, come on.

Focus and think. Marta Rezniz. Rezniz. Yes. I don't know. Focus and think. Marta Resnage. Resnage? Yes. I don't know. That's my best guess. Close. What would you have said, Jack? Resnage. Resnage. Resnage. Amazing. Beautiful. Thank you, Marta.

You are a pillar of our community. I love the name Marta. We have a very close friend named Marta. We just saw her in New York. Marta, thank you. Tony. Christopher Chang. If you told me Christopher Chang was running for Congress New York. Marta, thank you. Tony, Christopher Chang. Christopher Chang. If you told me Christopher Chang was running for Congress right now, I'd vote for him. I'm Christopher Chang, and I'm here to make a difference. And I approve this message.

I'm Christopher Chang, and I approve Christopher Chang. CNC Tony Factory. Timothy Clark. Timothy Clark. Thank you, Timothy Clark. Nuts on Clark. Little Timmy Clark. Hey, how's the popcorn, Timmy Clark?

Ooh, I like saying this name. I've never said it before in my life. I already know. Julie Savant. Savant sells cartoon balloons in town. That's pretty good. Miller of the Community. Ashley Johnston.

Ashley Johnston. Ashley the Rock Johnston. But when they throw a T in, you know their whole life is correcting. Ashley Johnston? No, it's Johnston. Skyler Brothers? No. Townie. Jenna B. Jenna B. Jenna B. Jenna B. Jenna B. Jenna B's Johnston. Skyler Brothers? No. Townie, Genevieve.

Genevieve. Genevieve. Okay, ready? Another Townie. Let's hear it. Leanne. Giulianello. Giulianello. That's such a great... I love a Giulianello shot. When you're at an Italian restaurant, when you get to Italy and you land, they give you a Giulianello shot. Another Townie, Becky L. Duncan. Becky, my God. When you get to Italy and you land, they give you a Giulianello shot. Another townie, Becky L. Duncan.

Becky L. Duncan. Hi, Becky L. Duncan on America. America runs on Duncan. Duncan on fools. VLD is pretty good, too. Yeah, it's great. True local next up, Brandon K.

Brandon. Brandon's gotten so big. Now, look, I don't want to cast aspersions, but this next name definitely sounds like someone who would be in a Dumpy Old Town story. Let's hear it. Just that name alone, not personal. Let's hear it. Just that name alone. Not personal. Let's hear it. Dusty Friedland.

Dusty. Dusty Friedland. Dusty would have been a good name for one of our kids. And no one knew Dusty Sklar. And no one knew the whereabouts of Dusty Friedland. No, not at all. Let's do two more. Okay, ready?

We have three more. Let's do three more. All right. John Varga. John Varga. John Varga. John Varga. Character act.

I want to put an ass on him. John Varga. John Varga. John Varga. Character act. I want to put an ass on him. John Varga, male detective. And then male detective. James H. Jordan. James H. Jordan is a novelist. Was he in the Clinton administration? He was a novelist. He did speak before Congress.

He was a lawyer. He was involved. And a novelist. Right. And then, true local, we'll get out of here on this, is Charlie Martin. Charlie Martin. Oh, Chucky Martin. Charlie Martin was the manager of the Yankees in the 1970s.

He was very hot-headed. Always wore a suit. All right, guys, there you go. Thank you for supporting us the ways that you do. We love you guys, Patreons. And thank you for supporting us on the levels that you do. And let's get back to the show. All right, before we get into this last story, Daniel,

tell people what you're doing so that they can follow and support. Just go to DanielVanKirk.com for all the stuff I have coming up. But right now, for the rest of the year, it's just the weekend before Thanksgiving, 17th, 18th, 19th, and 20th. I'll be at the Come and Take It Comedy Festival. I'm doing a comedy bingo show at like 6 o'clock, a little happy hour hang. We'll raise some money and have some fun. That's on Thursday. Then Friday, live pen pals. And then Saturday,

I'm headlining at, I think, 10 o'clock. And then I think on Sunday, I think I'm doing Doug Loves Movies. I love that festival. All at danielvankirk.com in Houston, Texas at the Come and Take It Comedy Festival. I love it. Love it. Nice. All right, Jay, jump into this final story.

This is sent in from Adam Poulton at Poultski75 at Poultski75. Poultski75. Thanks, bud. I don't think this is from the New York Post, but this- Might as well been. The headline makes it think this person is trying to get a job writing for the New York Post. So this is their audition.

Tattle, T-A-T-A-L, disaster. So it's at a total. Tattle, disaster. Tattle, disaster. Like a total disaster. Tat-al T-A-T-A-L Disaster So instead of total Tat-al Disaster Tat-al Like a total disaster But it's a tattoo Alright Okay

You have a tattoo? Uh no Well I have three dots right there That I gave myself Okay Wow That's it

Nice What does it mean? It was just me and my Two other friends Were like This is us We're the three We're the three friends We're the three dots It was just me and my two other friends were like, this is us. We're the three friends.

We're the three dots on his arm. This is what the NBC series was about. All right. This opening line description of this person is the most nondescript way to describe a human being I've ever heard. TikTok user. That's it. Elena Nicole. She's just a tiktok not a star not an influencer just a user what do you do how can i describe you as a person air breather tiktok who's grocery shopper whose profile is at lan or la nico or L-A-N-I-C-O-L-O-O-1.

Shared her story on social media platform alongside video footage of the identical rude tattoos as she recorded herself with her head in her hands. Which, if you're recording yourself, then how shocked are you of the situation? I don't think I'm shocked. When you try to get cute matching bestie tattoos and you get two limp dicks instead. Oh my God. She revealed what happened and how she cried for an hour when she saw the results of the butterfly inking they'd asked for.

So they asked for two butterfly. Her and her friend wanted to get matching BFF tattoos. Yeah, I mean, butterfly tattoo is like... And they look like two dicks. All right, so... You have this. I will have the images. I just...

This is what she said. I just want to preface by saying we don't blame the artist. Who do you blame? Who do you blame? Dicks in general? For looking too much like butterflies? Butterfly dick.

We don't blame the shop. I would do. Don't hate the game. I will eventually get one, if not five, tattoos. And I will do so much research onto who can do it right. Yes. And I have friends. I'll be like, draw it on a piece of paper first before you draw it on a piece of paper.

What does that look like? Butterfly or a pair of dicks? They don't need to mean anything. And not meaning anything to you is enough for whoever you are. But they don't care. They'll be like, yeah, I got this tattoo. I thought it was funny, right? Yeah.

But initially, I'm going to be like, let me see your work. I'm going to be like a fifth grade English teacher. We're going to look this over. And that is why you will have credits other than TikTok users. Thank you. You're welcome. She just wanted to preface by saying she doesn't blame the artist. We don't blame the shop. That is wild. Why don't you blame the artist? Who do you blame?

Unfortunately, we had a bad experience, but nothing against them. Here's how they cannot blame them. If she drew the picture of what she wanted, and it looks exactly like this. I can't blame them. No.

They did exactly what I asked them to. Right. They are who we thought they were. But on the flip side to that, which I don't think you need to add to that. On the flip side. On the flip side, she added it to that. I don't think there's any way that the artist didn't know what it looked like before. So now you are blaming the artist.

Clearly, it wasn't a butterfly. We knew that as soon as we saw them as we walked out of the shop. Well, that's the first time you're looking at it? As you're walking out? I'm not looking until I walk out. Honey, I'll take a look when we're out at the car. What? I want to check in on this thing midway through.

I want to be surprised. I want to pull. Arm, you thinking? Yeah, arm. Yeah, for sure. Right? Confused to recall their exact reaction,

Elena said, the first picture I saw of it was in the video and I started sobbing. Oh my God. I cried for probably an hour after I saw

the tattoo on my arm. You were right, Dan, that's on the arm. As soon as they could, Atlanta and her pal set out about getting it removed from their bodies. She continued, we flew home Saturday night, Sunday morning, immediately got them covered. Wait.

With another tattoo. Yeah, you cover them up. Because everyone, we called that day to show it. And you know what you cover those things up with? A pair of dicks. Showed that day. Two dicks. Two dicks make them look like a butterfly.

Agreed that it did not look like a butterfly. We knew we had to get it off our bodies. We found an amazing artist who covered it up very last minute. And how did you find that artist? You did research? Did you look at what that person's work was? This is what you should have done in the first place. She then showed the results

of the awesome artist's work. Here's the question though. Here's the question. Wait. They both have this? Yes, they both have it. So that means one got it. They finished. Right. Walked away. Unless they were-

Love this dick. Unless they were- The other person got it. Got finished. Then they went outside and then they were upset. Then they looked at it and they're like,

oh my God. Don't look at your- I know you got done first. Don't look at yours until I get mine. Okay. For four hours? Yeah.

You gotta wait. You gotta wait. Okay. So I'm not gonna tell you what they got it covered up with, but I want you guys to guess what the images that they use to cover it, use to cover it up. So please go around and tell me what, what image do you think they use to cover it up? Awesome artists work and explain that it, what it looks like this. Now I'm just going to go.

Oh, larger butterfly. Goofy from Disney. I'm just going to go larger butterfly. Goofy from Disney. I'm saying a giraffe face. Oh, for the dick? I was going to say like an elephant. Why the long face? Get your answers in at home. Explain it looks like an actual butterfly.

Now, Dan, you are correct. Although, once I said it, I was like, I feel like they'd be like, we got to go a whole different direction. Butterflies aren't working for us. Yeah. Right. They just put two balls underneath.

All right. Thankfully, the pair are now happy to have matching tats, as Elena said. Good. We do still have our matching best friend tattoos and a great story to laugh about. How will anyone know that we're best friends? And what about when we stop being best friends? Can we have a painful reminder? Of how I don't talk to her anymore?

There's a great story to laugh about someday when it's actually funny. When it's actually funny. It's funny right now. It's funny right now. You got a dick on your arm. It's funny right now. Because when it happened, it for sure was not. I'm going to go find this picture.

Because butterflies are so symmetrical. He fucked up on the very first one and was like, well, the other side's got to look like a dick. I mean, it has to. It has to. Wait, are they two halves of the butterfly that when you put it together, it looks like one? So I want you to look at this. And this does not look like a butterfly at all. It looks like. This is what they covered it with? No, this this does not look like a butterfly at all. It looks like –

This is what they covered it with? No, no. This is the original. This is the dicks. The original looks like a flaccid penis. That is what the original looks like. That does not look like a butterfly at all, Dan. You're all right, though.

It is half the butterfly. It is half the butterfly. Seriously, what is it? It's the top of the wing and the bottom of the wing. I'm just saying, if they had wanted to, I mean, you come down from here, you got a little head right here. A little parted hair. Bring that down. A little jawline.

You're going to bring that down? You're going to have like a Dan Quayle. We will put this photo on our pages so you guys can see it. I don't know about the picture on the right, but on the one on the left, she seems legitimately upset. She's mad. I don't know about the picture on the right, but on the one on the left, she seems legitimately upset. No, she seems upset. She's mad. She's definitely mad. I don't blame her. Great nails.

I mean, but it's also... But it's supposed to be so... I don't even understand. So I think the other girls goes on above it and then it equals the... No, but that's not even... You'd want that anyway. You'd want it here. Wait, wait. Yeah. No, I think they were both supposed to get... They were supposed to get matching full-on... That is a full-on

butterfly. No, it is not. Dan, it is an attempt. That is just full on. That is a full on butterfly. No, it is not. Dan, it is just a wing. That's a wing and body in the middle. But also, you could just put a wing on that on the other side, and it would look like a butterfly. It would stop looking like a dick. That is very easy to clean. I do not blame the artist either. That is a butterfly wing.

And maybe this is here to show us how close a butterfly looks like a dick. You know what? That reminds me. We used to have this. Kristen and I used to have this bit that we would do. I think you're wrong. I think you're wrong. And I'm sorry.

I don't want to. I think those are full butterfly attempts. Full butterflies. No. What? Are you crazy? Oh, unless it's like the butterfly. Flying and it's flapping.

It's like. Remember how if it's out like this and then you see it on the side and it flaps close together. Oh, maybe you're, yeah, that's what I mean. It's like a sideways view. A sideways view, so one's foreshortened. This is the right wing. This is the left wing.

That's what they were going for. I think so. Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt you. What bit did you used to do with Kristen? It's just fascinating because it ties directly into this. So we would do this bit where Kristen and I were, like already as the audience came in, we were on stage, but you couldn't see us because we were covered in a cocoon of paper.

And we would stay in there for like 30 minutes while the audience seated. And then like the show would start and then we would be birthed out of the cocoon. And then Kristen would have these beautiful butterfly wings on. And I'd be like, oh my God, your wings are so beautiful. Like what do mine look like?

And I just had two dicks on my back. And then she was like, oh, they're good. Maybe they haven't unfurled yet. They're great. You had to go out and buy dildos? There were two dildos?

I have a whole bit about me buying the dildos. Is it in this new special? No, it's in my first album. So what was the bit what oh well I because I was running a lot and so I was like running to do errands you know oh so I ran yeah exercise was part of your errand yes okay so it was in New York I ran to the dildo store sure and I bought one big old big double-ended dildo sure and and I took it out of the packaging. I bought it and realized I have to run home with this thing.

In your hand. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a torch. Yeah, like a torch. You pass it and it's the Olympic sex games. And I took it out of its packaging, and it's just real jimbly-jambly. It got a lot of potential energy to it.

And so I folded it in half and shoved it in a black plastic bag and I started running home with it. And this has never happened to me before or since, but I honestly tripped on a curb. Yeah. And this was the West Village, noon on a Tuesday, a lot of people around. And it spilled out. I'm like a 6'4 man. Yes. And so when strangers see a big person fall, it's alarming.

Hilarious. And then when a double-ended dildo explodes out of a bag, you know, everyone's just like, like, help this man. Oh, no, get away from this man. And it worked all of its kinetic energy out next to my head on the sidewalk. I hope you yelled my child. That was supposed to be a secret.

Don't pay no mind to the dildo in the street. Happy birthday to you. That's you start singing. Oh, my Lord. Beautiful. There you go, guys. That's the last story. That's a show.

Make sure they draw a tattoo before they put it on your arm. Make sure it doesn't look like a dick. That's awesome. Please go watch at moment.co. Kurt Braunohler's new stand-up special. You are going to love it. your arm make sure it doesn't look like a dick that's all please go watch at moment.co uh kurt bronner's new stand-up special you're gonna love it uh and uh you will thank us for sending you there let us know tag him tag us say hey this was a great stand-up special let's get him to 10 000 shall we let's get him to 10 000 the b story is worth it worth the price of mission alone it's

so good and uh oh shit guys've got to get back to work. Boom, boom. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Stick around. Make a sound.

Punk it down. It's Dumb People Town. Star Bands Audio, a podcast network. PeopleTown