Dumb People Town - Kurt Braunohler - Asshole Silencer

Episode Date: May 24, 2022

This week Kurt Braunohler comes to town to hang with Daniel, Jason and Randy. The first story is how one woman deals with a parking issue. The second story is silent and deadly. The final story is about priceless items being stolen.If you go to GETQUIP.COM/DPT, RIGHT NOW, you’ll get your first refill FREE.

Skypains, out of here. Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Oh my god, Kurt Braunohler. another episode of Dumb People Town. Population News. Oh, that is a brown-holer. Oh my God. Brown-holer. This is going to be bananas on this show. See how we're kind of... It's immediately. It's a wonderful merging of... It's a crossover episode. Your podcast is so great.

This podcast, we all kind of are doing a very similar thing. We touch on crazy stories that happen in the world. I will never forget your awesome bit about, I saw a tree trunk the other day that had, oh, I don't know, 15,000 bees in it, and I was just thinking

that is the beginning of why you are exploring the stories that you explore when you're just like, someone is so dumb that they don't notice. Not just dumb, but willfully ignoring reality. Thousands and thousands of bees in their house. And what they're referencing is that a woman had 120,000 bees in her ceiling.

In her ceiling. And that's the moment where she called the city. Like, after 120,000 bees. So I do have a bit about it that's very long. 15,000, yeah. You're like, why would you call it? Here's the best part. One bee, and I'd be like, call the goddamn extermin yeah. Exactly. Why would you call it? Here's the best part. One bee and I'd be like,

call the goddamn exterminator. Yeah. What's our problem here? The best part is that it happened again. To that woman? To the same woman. No! And it was again 120,000 new bees.

Fool me with 120,000 bees once, shame on you. Fool me with 120,000 bees in my ceiling twice. You people can look it up. It's in Decatur, Georgia, folks. Amazing. How long before she was like, it's happening again? Do you think at like 3,000, she was like, this isn't the same issue? There must be something going on where she's just like, I'm ignoring bees.

I'm going out of my way. This is like I Am Legend, where when someone tells you he's the problem because the creatures are the majority. He goes out at night and captures and kills them. He's the problem. So eventually, she's the nuisance to the bees. It's their house. They have a woman in their house.

If you're 1 to 120,000, yeah, you're the odd man out. You're the problem. They called their extremity to get rid of this bitch. They're trying to get her out of there. Who's the queen? Maybe she's the queen. Maybe she is the queen and she doesn't realize that she's a queen bee. She has no idea.

She's sending out pheromones. She's such a queen. She's going to be on RuPaul's Drag Race next year. She's the unapologetic queen. All right, that's a great place to start. Dan, we've got dumb stories. The world's getting dumber as we speak. We can only fight back with comedy.

Who sent in this story, Daniel? Carleen McDermott at SheBeCarleen. SheBeCarleen. We met someone else this weekend who said, I'm a podcast listener and I'm not SheBeCarleen. And we're like, wow, that's great. So is she not Carleen or are they not Carleen? She not be Carleen.

At they not Carleen. No, no, no, but her name was something be something else. And I was like, you got to send one in. Because then you'll be like Julie B's so and so. It's like Toys R Us. This comes from the UK. UK.news.yahoo. Perfect.

Drunk woman smashed neighbor's cars with plank of wood. So we just have a good old fashioned neighborhood fight. Or a woman fighting a car. Yeah, either. Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What did you say? Hacksaw Jim Duggan style. What did you say to me? She woman fighting a car. Yeah, either. Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What did you say? Hacksaw Jim Duggan style.

What did you say to me? She says to the car. Windshield wipers go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's like, she just saw Herbie. Oh, I know you did. Very violent. Herbie.

Yeah. Remember Herbie? I do remember Herbie. How many Herbies did they make? They rebooted Herbie with Lohan, didn't they? They rebooted Herbie. With Lohan. With Lohan.

Lohan rebooted a lot of stuff. Well, I mean, nothing but a parent trap. Parent trap is really good. Didn't she do Freaky Friday at one point? She did. No. Look it up. Mean Girls is a reboot of Heather's.

She did Freaky Friday. She did that. She rebooted her relationship with her father. That's good, too. That was a reboot. Okay, here we go. A woman who smashed up her neighbor's cars. You guys, just for fun, how many cars?

What do you think? I'm saying tops two. Okay, tops two. Five. I don't know why this number is stuck in my head, but 120,000. A woman who smashed up three. Way to go. I'm close. It's not going over, folks. Smashed up A woman who smashed up three of her neighbor's cars in a drunken rage after a dispute about parking has been convicted of common assault and criminal damage. Dan, you have a great bit in your current set about parking.

Is that still in there? So, I mean, you know what a parking space is. People get mad about a parking space. I saw a TikTok in Vancouver. These people did not think, like, they don't think people should be allowed to park in front of their house on the street. What, in Vancouver? Yes, yes, yes. And so they call the cops, and then the cops are like, they can park here.

They're allowed, yes. And then she's like, will you tell them to move? And then the woman in front of the cop is like, you move, I'm going to do something to you. And she's like, what do you want me to do with this? And then the cop's like, if you guys don't want people, you have to petition the city to get the street regulations changed. He's like, I'm going to throw a bunch of things that you'll never do. You'll never do any of these things. You've got to write a letter.

I'm sorry. It's already off. This morning, just this morning, I was parked in a parking lot bringing my son to speech therapy. And I'm parked in the parking lot. It's a small parking lot. It's in Silver Lake. But there's ample room for you to pull in and go park in another parking spot. And this woman just simply parks blocking the entire exited entrance to the parking lot.

And she's walking past me and I go, hey. And I'm like literally holding my son and I'm like, oh, I have to get... It was so crazy. And I was like, I have to get out. And she's like, yeah, well, your car's so big that I couldn't even get in. And I literally looked at the space and the space was way larger than a car needed to drive by.

She was making a point to you. She was trying to show you. But by just leaving her car, blocking an entire, it was so insane. To be fair, you do drive Arnold Schwarzenegger's old Hummer, which I thought was too much of a bit for you. But you were like, I like this. People will think it's funny. I actually modified it.

It's two connected together. Two molded Hummers. And it's electric. And it's electric. And it is electric. There's a lot of batteries. You have one on a hitch that isn't being driven. One whole one is a battery. Wait, what did you say? And I said, you have one on a hitch. You have one on a hitch that isn't being driven. One whole one is a battery.

Wait, what did you say? And I said, you have to move your car. She says, yeah, well, you have to wait. I go, I'm not waiting. And literally holding my child. But then I'm like, are we just two parents who both have children who have speech delays? Are we going to have a fight in the parking lot? Did you say, listen to the words I'm saying

and how eloquently I'm putting these words and enunciating. Get your fucking car out of the... And then hold my son and just say, can you say it? Fuck you! And he did it, and you're like, look! We're making strides.

He can say it. Don't you just... I want to, in that moment, Zach Morris timeout, everything. And just to her go, I get that you currently feel like my car upset you, but can we both admit something else has made you mad today? I know. And I'm just the closest punching bag for whatever hurt you before this.

And also to say- And I would love for her to go, yes. And also to admit just, but also that this is an irrational response to a car that is parked in a parking spot in a parking lot. I wasn't parked improperly. Can we admit mine is a non-purposeful inconvenience on your life? Even if true, which we're not saying is. Mine is a non-purposeful inconvenience on your life, and yours is a deliberate act of aggression. Can we just admit that that's what we're doing?

Even if that's what's happening, which isn't what's happening. And then can we go over the list of other ways you could have handled it? You could have driven up and said, sir, can you just slide over a little bit? And I would have been like, yes, of course I can. Or driven in and just banged your door on my door. This world probably doesn't exist, but maybe even go, would you mind, could you let me pull in first, and then will you pull in after me?

I probably wouldn't. Then I would have loved if you would have come to some sort of a peaceful agreement, walked over to her and hugged her, and as you're hugging her, drop your son. Or go get a wood plank and start smashing the shit. Or you go pull Williams. It's not your son. Or go get a wood plank and start smashing the shit. Or you go full Williams. You just go, it's not your fault.

So instead what I did was I put my son in the car and I drove over the curb. Good. Smart. Good. Perfect. They shade on this woman. This is three words at the beginning of the sentence. Unemployed Annette Keeley. Why? That's how we're identifying her?

Why? Unemployed, right off the bat. Come on, the UK. What does she do for a living? Human failure Annette Kinney. Woman who can't hold it together Annette Kinney. Keely. Keely. Unhireable Annette Keely.

Unemployed Annette Keely. That's somebody who works at this newspaper or publication knows her. Yeah. Making a choice. Unemployed Annette Keeley had consumed wine and whiskey before attacking the vehicles with a three-foot piece of wood. Who says after a bottle

of wine, I think it's time to move on to whiskey? But also, in the police report, where do they ask, well, what exactly did you drink? Being drunk is the point. It's not like, how drunk are you? No one was there to see what she had. This is what she's telling you.

That's an open bar combo. That's an open bar combo. Do you have any more wine left? While we're moving on to whiskey. Bam, here's the deal. I'm drinking the W's today. You blew a.12. A.07 of it was wine.

Sure. Technically. .05 was whiskey. I just want you to know the breakdown. This is the breakdown. Also, three feet piece of wood is a proximity weapon. That's just what's there. Yes.

You know what I mean? Three feet piece of wood is just laying on the ground and we're like, we're going. And also, that's just a one-armed thing. You're not doing double arms. You're just tapping. You're tapping. If you're making damage, you're strong. This woman is strong. The court heard she went on the rampage on the evening of February 3rd because of an

ongoing argument about car parking spaces outside of her home in Worcester. I'm just combining. Prosecutor Sarim Afsar, sounds like a great lawyer name. Sarim Afsar. Said that one of the victims of vehicle damage. Sarim Afsar is the supreme Afsar. You ready for this person's name? This is the victim of vehicle damage. Sunil Afzar is the supreme Afzar. You ready for this person's name? This is the victim of vehicle damage.

Okay. Can't wait to hear it. So they own a car. Yeah. That car got damaged with a three-foot piece of wood. This is their name. Mr. Breakwell. Mr. Breakwell.

Look at that. It did not break so well for him. Which probably was a pitch name for Samuel L. Jackson's character in Unbreakable. Yeah. Mr. Breakwell.. Yeah, Mr. Breakwell. They call me Mr. Breakwell. Like, nah, we can punch this up. It's too much. It's too much.

Do you remember the episode with John Glazer, Officer Breakbone? Yeah, Bone Break. Bone Break. Bone Break. Breakwell. Officer Bone Break. Mr. Breakwell went outside after hearing his car alarm going off, which also I applaud him for. It is England.

Because nowadays, I feel like most people just ignore every car alarm. Or just stay inside just going beep, beep, beep. Like just trying to make it stop. We're so sorry, Mr. Breakwell. I think most people with their car alarms that go as far as, is that me? I don't think that's me. And then they leave it.

Yeah, it sounds like my horn. Mr. Breakwell went outside after hearing his car alarm going off and had to try to reason with the defendant. Oh, my God. This is his attempt at a wine whiskey drunk woman with a three feet piece of wood hitting the car. He told her to calm down and go back inside. That's a great thing.

Oh, because it's his neighbor. Right, right. It is his neighbor. He knows where she lives. Annette, Annette. Calm down. So, okay. Go. So, here's his neighbor. It is his neighbor. He knows where she lives. Calm down. So, okay. Go.

So here's the deal. When you are about to engage with a neighbor, you are essentially saying in this moment, this relationship as we knew it is over. It's done. When I am going to lay down the law on you, person who lives in super close proximity, that's the thing that doesn't happen when you go on a real estate tour of a house or of an apartment. You don't get to meet the neighbors.

You have to. You kind of need to meet your neighbors. Because it doesn't matter how nice your house is. It's like this person is going to be your whole life. You had a pool party, late night pool party. Didn't you go in with rhetorical questions?

Weren't you like, this is what we're doing? Is this what's happening? Where's the woman from Two Doors Down? And she was like, her parents bought her the house. And like, you know, my kids, it's like a school night. And I don't know, it was like a Sunday night and the party was going on late. And I walk in and people point in the pool

and I go into the pool and she's in the hot tub naked with a sailor's hat on. I was like, that's essentially what this guy came out to. That's what I walked into. So I wasn't going to be like, hey, my kids, it's a school night, to a naked woman with a sailor's hat on. We're not going to have a conversation about, hey, can you reasonably. So you walked into the park.

You walked through a house. I walked through the outside. The gate was open. I walked through the outside of the backyard. I only hung out... I only swam for 30 minutes. Trying to find... I only swam. I only did six cannonballs.

I went back home. I got my special hat. I didn't know it was a theme. I didn't know it was a hat party. I led three drinking games. I don't understand why everybody- I did two songs of karaoke because- Right.

I did six lines of cocaine. What is- On my way out, I called the police. Right. Why is everybody so upset with me? You get home. It's actually a good party. I said, turn it up.

Maybe we need to learn how to be more quiet. I told the kids to sleep sounder. He states, that's Breakwell. He states that she was continually striking his vehicle, causing damage to that vehicle and another that belonged to another resident. A third vehicle was also damaged, belonging to Mr. Spinetto. These all sound like people on a board game. These are all characters on a board game.

Mr. Spinetto with the three-foot board on the parking lot. On the parking lot. Mr. Brakewell believed he was going to be assaulted, but there was no actual assault. Well, did it happen or not? No. Prosecutor Apsar described the incident as a revenge attack, adding that there was fear caused to Mr. Brakewell.

In interviews, she stated that she had had, that she just had enough, and she damaged the vehicles belonging to Mr. Brakewell and Mr. Powell. Enter Mr. Powell. First mention. And accidentally damaged the vehicle belonging to Spinetto.

So she's like, Powell, yes. Brakewell, uh-huh. Spinetto, I got no problem with him. That's on the backswing. That was on the backswing. That was an accident. I got excited. You're collateral damage in this fight.

Good. The court heard that Keeley attacked the cars because she believed they should have been parked in dedicated bays and not outside the flats in Malvern Road. She's going to lose her job. Oh, she doesn't have a job. It can't happen. Barry Newton, that's her lawyer, said this is a neighbor dispute where she has had a-

Barry Newton is my favorite kind of fake Newton. I love a good Barry Newton. It's also a great Kubrick film. my favorite kind of fake Newton. I love a good Barry Newton. It's also a great Kubrick film. This is a neighbor dispute, he said, where she had a little bit too much to drink and lost, I love the downplaying,

and lost her temper and taking her anger out on inanimate objects. Also, the whiskey was first and the wine was second, folks. She's not a lunatic. Whiskey then wine. He added that there were no allocated spaces and that Bra breakwell had been

encouraging spinetto to park in the bay that had been used by keely's partner there's always layers oh yeah so now we're getting down to it she doesn't even have a job her partners whatever fair to say that breakwell and spinetta are the new rizzoli and isles in a victim personal statement breakwell said i really don't want to live here anymore because Breakwell and Spinetta are the new Rizzoli and Isles. They're the British Rizzoli and Isles. In a victim personal statement, Breakwell said, I really don't want to live here anymore because of what happened. I just want my wind scream and any damage to be paid for.

I'm really concerned about what she will do in terms of repercussions. This is what Jay said. You're now in a fight with her. You're now in a fight with her. And now where you live is unsafe. That's right. Where you live now,

it's like when you come out of your place, you're looking over your shoulder. You put the key in the door. I don't like prank wars because I'm always like, when does it end? You have to mutually agree that it's going to end. You need a detente, and then who knows if that's even going to be honored. All right, let's get out of here. How many prank wars have you been through? At least three.

And you're like, stop. Stop. And then they're like, you stop. And then you do know in your heart three. And you're like, stop. Stop. And then they're like, you stop. And then you do know in your heart of hearts, you're right. I have to stop. I have to stop. And I can't stop. I can't stop.

We'll get out of here on this, just for fun. How old is Annette Keeley? Unemployed Annette Keeley? Unemployed Annette Keeley. Is that who we're talking about? U-A-K. I want to believe she's 75. Okay.

You can go for that. Go for it. She doesn't have a job, so maybe doesn't have a job means retired. Retired. Okay. Yeah, you could say retired. She's doing wine and whiskey. We didn't say she's unemployable.

Right. We just said she's unemployed. Right. Currently without. Now she is. Right. Okay. So you're going to go 75?

Mm-hmm. Okay. Wow. Jason. That would be amazing. I'm going to say she's 38. 38 years old. 38. Yeah. This is a woman who's to say she's 38. 38 years old. 38.

Yeah. This is a woman who's lived a lot. 20s, you don't care. This is a woman who's lived a lot. Okay. I'd say 49. 49? Okay.

All right, we'll get out of story one on this. Because unemployed Annette Keeley is 56 years old. Oh! I think it's you, man. But I like where you were going. 75, you were like up there. I love it's you, man. But I like where you were going, Kurt. 75, you were like up there. I love it. There you go.

Story one, down in the books. When we come back, we're going to find out what Kurt Braunler's doing, where you can see his awesome podcast, Bananas Live, coming up in Denver. We'll give you all that information, plus what we have going on right after this. Stick around.

Make a sound. There's more at Uncle People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to the show uh before we get into how you can support and see kurt ronald live uh want to mention that uh dan do you have any you have a couple more dates uh yeah there's uh digital stuff at hubcity.com bingo trivia things like that and then uh i'll be announcing dates for j very, very soon. Thank you to everybody who came out. Asheville, Atlanta, Savannah, New Orleans, San Antonio. It's wonderful to see people out there.

We've got a basket or a stack of Hub City cookies. This is Dan's family's recipe. Whoa. At a bakery. Three Best Bakery. Three Best Bakery. Three Best Bakery. Three Best Bakery. Benton, Arkansas. That they are making.

That they are now making Dan's family recipe. We have this five generation family recipe. You can get it. It doesn't have measurements. It was very hard to figure out. Just fucking get it. My family knows how to make it, but to get teaching a baker how to do it, they're like, well, I need to know.

Dude, I need to know how much weed to put in these. But as soon as it's at Three Best Bakery, it's amazing. And she was able to exactly replicate the cookie recipe. So you've tasted them and they taste like home? Oh, we went through,

yeah, we went through a lot of trying them out. You know what we call that? You know what the Yiddish word for that is? You did a lot of mitching. You mitched it. Yeah.

You were mitching that baby. They're not sugar cookies. I'll throw you one. Throw him one. He's sitting right here, Dan. Why would you deny him? You got to get on that.

They keep selling out. So usually on Tuesdays, they go on sale. If anybody wants one, I would check on Mondays or Tuesdays at 3bestbakery.com. I guarantee you, you will love these cookies. And if you don't, you're wrong. And by the way, this bakery is awesome. These women are like listeners of the podcast. It's just Suze.

She's doing it all herself. Anyway, so we got that. And then, hey, we've got our patrons, Skly Brothers. We got the Patreon for Dumb People Town. We give you extra content. Then our Patreon.com slash Skly Brothers. We're doing new episodes of Cheap Seats every single month. Cheaper Seats.

Cheaper Seats. And we are finishing, putting the finishing touches on the nosebleeds, which will be out, which is our Cheap Seats reboot for UFC Fight finishing, putting the finishing touches on the nosebleeds, which will be out, which is our Cheap Seats reboot for UFC Fight Pass. It's coming out this summer. Six episodes. It's going to be so much fun. And just be on the lookout, you guys.

Thank you to those who came out in Seattle. We had great shows. And Portland. Those were just fantastic this last weekend. And we'll let you know what our schedule is coming up. I remember being on Cheap Seats. Yes, you were. Maybe 15 years ago. That schedule is coming up. I remember being on Cheap Seats. Yes, you were! Maybe 15 years ago?

Yeah, that's right. Yeah, I got blow darted. I've never been blow darted before. It was great. That was so fun! Oh my God, I love that we used you on that show. We'll figure out a way

to use you in this show. You have live bananas coming up. Yeah, I've got, when does this come out? Not sure, but we'll figure it out next week. June 7th and 8th. June 3rd and 4th, I'm in Chicago at the Den Theater.

Just me. June 7th and 8th. Bananas is in Denver. And then July 14th in Asbury Park, New Jersey, we're having Bananas. And then the Bell House, July 17th. I love that. I love doing podcasts live there. We have to do it.

We're going to look to maybe do it there. Maybe that weekend. Around October 14th. October 16th, I think, is a Sunday. Sometime around there. But Denver, get to these shows because they're at our two favorite clubs there. It's Comedy Works in the Landmark and Comedy Works in the downtown Larimer Square. If you can't catch them downtown, catch the other way.

And it's different shows. Catch them both. Catch them both. That's the beauty of it, too. It's like a Grateful Dead show. It's just like a Pokemon. Hey, catch them all. Catch them all.

You got to catch them all. I went to a Pokemon it, too. It's like a Grateful Dead show. It's just like a Pokemon. Hey, catch them all. Catch them all. You gotta catch them all. I went to a Pokemon event this weekend. How'd you do? My kids are starting. My eldest is starting to get into Pokemon. Oh, I lived through that. Yeah. Pokemon Go.

Pokemon Go, just people walking into traffic and off cliffs, like, I got him. I got him. He kind of got you. He kind of got you there. You're falling 2,000 feet right now. To not be familiar with it, I didn't know it as a child. Neither did I. Neither did I.

It is so strange, the idea of like there's animals, they live in the forest. You go, you capture them. You force them against their will. But then they become your friends. That's right. And then they only can say their own name. Right. It's so awful.

And then you have them fight other animals. Other animals. It's like Stockholm Syndrome. It's like futuristic Japanese cockfighting, and we're all supporting it. It's very colonial. It's like Game of Thrones. You get your own Reek, and then Reek does what you want to do. That's right.

And then he turns on you. And then your kid's suddenly like, pull into this gas station. I'm like, what? He's like, pull into that bathroom. I'm like, why? He's like, there's a squirtle in here. I'm like, that's a glory hole. I know what a squirtle is.

That's a glory hole. That's a different kind of squirtle. We're getting out of here. He will evolve into a Venusaur. A Bulbasaur. A Bulbasaur. Fuck! You want to do a second story?

Let's do it. Let's do a second story. Oh, also, I forgot to say this. June 3rd, season two of Physical. Physical. Dan's in it. Yeah. I saw a trailer.

And you were great in it. Oh, thanks, buddy. And can we watch? Can you watch us on this thing that we're hosting? We just got asked. Oh, yeah. I don't know. This is insane. This last thing.

I don't even know. We just got asked. We're going to be hosting the fourth annual Critics' Choice Awards for reality television. That's awesome. So that's, I don't know if it's airing. I'm assuming. It's like at the Fairmont Hotel. Hell yeah.

Or no, the Century City. Century City. Century Plaza assuming. It's like at the Fairmont Hotel. Hell yeah. Or no, the Century City Plaza Hotel. That's great. That'll be fun. Yeah, it's like a whole thing, and we're hosting that. So we'll let you know when it is. I promise we're not having a plug-off, but you guys just reminded me of this. And I hope I can do it. Do it.

Do it. Oh, my God. Our fans are like, what? Is it the 16th, Lissa? Saturday the 18th? Of June? Of June, 18th. I am hosting the Red Bull Soapbox Challenge races.

Where? In Des Moines, Iowa. Get out of here. It's supposed to be like 30,000, 50,000 people. And I will be hosting this event of people building their own soapboxes and then racing down a hill. Adults are doing it? Yes.

Oh, I know. It's like the Flulog, but it's with soapboxes. Dan, you better be getting $8 million. Wait a second. I want you to get $8 million. Are these soapbox cars that they put and just... They ride. They sit in... Yes. We covered this on Cheap Seats. We covered

a soapbox race. I'm hosting it. I cannot wait. It's insane. It's insane. Is everyone drunk? Come out. It's going to be in the middle of the country. It's like street luge in something that you made that shouldn't be on the street. And you get judged on your overall aesthetic and your design and then obviously your time and your ramps.

How much you get injured. I cannot wait to do this. Carpool lane. So that's in Des Moines, June 18th to the Red Bull. Or if any listeners want to, I think there's still time you could sign up and I would love one. Can you imagine a Dumb People Town soapbox? Oh my God. Yeah. Okay. All right. Yes. All right. Story two. Ready? Sent in by whom? Okay. I think there's still time you could sign up and make one. Can you imagine a Dumb People Town soapbox?

Oh, my God. Yeah. Okay. All right. Yes. All right. Story two. Ready? Sent in by who?

Okay. This was sent in by Derek Shipley. At Derek Shipley. That's an R-I-C-K in that. Shipley. And an E-Y in that Shipley. Love it. Okay.

Brazilian singer Pocah hospitalized with, here we go, trapped farts after being ashamed to let rip in front of her boyfriend. By the way, this is like the sixth story of a woman getting hospitalized for holding in their farts around her boyfriend. There was someone in England. It happened to them. We know that story. Can I say this about? This is my first time knowing about it. I would say this to Poca.

Poca woman, go. Okay. Just go. Just go. Just. Look. We don't need.. Polka woman, go. Okay. Just go. Just go. Just. Look, we don't need, I don't know where you. Pokemon. Pokemon, go.

I don't know where you guys' stance is on all this. I am a like. Let it rip. No. Opposition. Oh, interesting. I am a like. Ask my daughter.

Keep the decorum. But don't hurt yourself. Just step outside. Go in the garage for a second. Yeah the decorum. But don't hurt yourself. Just step outside. Go in the garage for a second. Yeah, go outside. Step in. If it's early, if it's second, third date, and you're finally at their apartment, go in the bathroom, sit on a rolled up towel, and let her go.

Sit on a rolled up towel? No, you got a muffler. Do you roll it this way? Like it's like a silencer for a gun? Like a cinnamon bun. Like a hemorrhoid pill. You make a circle with it. Yeah, and then you sit down and go to Riptown.

I think we could make a lot of money if we created like the equivalent of like an asshole silencer. Yeah, an asshole silencer. It's an attachment you put on the gun that's like pew, pew, pew. Really, it's just a straw, guys. It is an asshole silencer. It's a small straw. Wasn't there an SNL sketch or a Mr. Show sketch or something where when you parted, at a party, it'd be like, I love this party.

And it would just say complimentary things about the environment you were in. Great bean dip. They do have little- Silencers? They're not silencers. An air fresher? A filter? A filter for your butthole.

They're built into an underwear, and you just change the filter. Wow. I mean, at that point, go to a doctor. Something's wrong. You need a filter. Change your diet. Stop eating the roughage. That's somebody who's okay with the bees.

You're letting too many bad things happen to you. That's someone who's like, I'm going to spend my time fixing the symptom. Yeah, you're a Band-Aid. Not the problem. You live in a Band-Aid life. What were you going to say? Sorry. No, nothing at going to spend my time fixing the symptom. Yeah, you're a band-aid. Not the problem. You live in a band-aid life. What were you going to say? Sorry. No, nothing at all.

You're there. Okay. There are a number of significant milestones in any relationship. The first kiss, the first holiday, the first time someone says, I love you, and then you not saying it back. And of course, the first fart. I don't even like this word. Not necessarily in that order.

And while it's important to let your guard down and be vulnerable with your significant other, not everyone is as comfortable with letting everything out, which can lead to complications down the line. I mean, like anything, if you keep it in too long, it will cause you to get sick. That goes for emotions. Everything.

All of it. I dated a woman for 13 years and was never aware of her using the bathroom once. What? 13 years. She never did use the bathroom? I'm assuming she did. Yeah. Was never aware.

Maybe she went in the middle of the night. Still to this day. Still to this day. I've never asked her about it. Did you live together or no? We lived together for nine years. She never had you pause it for like 10 minutes? Out of courtesy. She never was like, I got stormy seas.

She definitely never said she had stormy seas. Stormy seas. That's who hooked up. Is that the hooker who was with Trump? Yeah, stormy seas. No, but I will do this out of courtesy to my family. If we're all in a hotel room, like staying somewhere. Lobby. Go down to the lobby. Fitness center. all in a hotel room, like staying somewhere. Lobby.

Fitness center. I'll just go down the lobby because I don't want to hear about it. Why do that? No, I'm with you. I'm saying. Look, this is our room. It's a sacred space. I'll go wreck the lobby.

Let me ask you guys this. I'm not a homeowner. Crazy that I think about someday owning a home and I'm fine with a master homeowner shower or like vanity and sink. I don't need a toilet in my bath. You don't? No. Put the toilet down the hall. Down the hall? Why do you need a special toilet? Do you want it underground?

I want a toilet in my bedroom. Are you going to soundproof? Oh, so you're worried about whoever's in your bedroom hearing you go to the bathroom? Why? Why not? See, you're my ex-girlfriend. Go downstairs. So that's called a one-eighth bath.

That's not a one-half bath. But no, but so I- Fine. So I, and in my life, this is just courtesy to my wife. I will wait till my son goes to school and I'll use his bathroom. There you go. I love it. That's my way of saying I'm going to keep our bathroom sacred for calmness. No stormy seas.

This poor woman is holding it in. So then what does this say about her boyfriend? Is he so clingy that he's around all the time that she doesn't have five minutes to go when he's not there? Give her her space. Give this woman her space. He's not there. Give her her space. Give this woman her space. But also, I mean, like, it's an amazing level of self-control as well that she has, that

she could send herself to the hospital. Yes. By whole, like, that's amazing. Like, if you're a, and she's a parent. Is this love that I'm feeling? Like, can't she walk by a construction site? I mean, I'd rather even just get objectified while I'm just, I worked at a gas station and I just farted all day long because I was like this is

I can do that here. It doesn't matter. Maybe that is that she knows that when she does fart it's like She sounds like an uncle sneezing. That's intense. That's what he sees. I understand if anybody turned it off. When did we

Norwegian Cruise Lines? This appears to have been what I understand if anybody turned it off. When did we Norwegian cruise lines? Sure. This appears to have been what happened to Brazilian singer Polka, who says she was hospitalized after experiencing severe stomach pains. What kind of music does she sing? Polka? At Sklar Brothers. It was just an accumulation of trapped farts,

she told a sizable Instagram following. Which is vague and specific at the same time. I love that you can't fart and that you're going to tell that to your Instagram followers. Let me really, I'm so embarrassed about this. Let me tell 13 million followers. Vivian de Cueroz Pereira, I tried, better known as her stage name, and Pocah revealed to her, how many followers do you think she has on Instagram? Oh.

First off, is it P-O-K-A? Is that how you say Pocah? P-O-C-A-H. Okay. She originally went by Pocahontas, and then I think she got a cease and desist from Disney, which I'm like, they don't own Pocahontas. Right.

Oh my God, imagine. I bet you they do. I wonder if they do. I'm sure they did everything to own it so that you can't be. Okay, her sizeable Instagram phone. I'm going to say 1.2 million. Okay. Jason?

I'm going to say like 3 million. Okay. 492,000. 15.7 million followers. What? So I even as jokey before said 15 million people. I know. She's cool with telling 15 million people that she's been holding it in her heart.

She's okay holding it in. She can't tell the one man in her life. You can't tell the one guy. I love that. Oh, my God. So now you're basically telling this guy that you don't have it. Well, at this point, they had to go to the hospital. She said that she had been too embarrassed to let it rip in front of her partner, Ronan

Sousa, which eventually caused her severe pain in her abdomen. Wow. The woman shared a series of videos. Ronan Sousa did the investigative journalism. It was amazing. She shared a series of videos. All the good work Ronan Sousa did, the investigative journalism was amazing. She shared a series of videos of herself in the hospital. So again, she doesn't want to talk to her boyfriend about I need to fart,

but she'll break all her own HIPAA laws. Did you guys know about, there's the other story about the exact opposite of this, which was the 90 day fiance woman who was selling her farts in jars. Oh yeah, we talked about that. A thousand bucks, yeah. So look it, on either side.

There's a lot of fart stuff. Either way, you're going to get content out of it. She reassured her fans that she's now fine, in quotes, following the ordeal. Thank God. I woke up at 5.30 in the morning. I was just walking around going, something's amiss. Yeah. Until she said she's fine.

I woke up at 5.30 a.m. with severe stomach pains and ended up in the hospital. But that's it, guys. I'm now fine. Just an accumulation of trapped farts. Pocah also urged her fan base not to make the same mistakes she did. Girls. That's what this is about. Also boys.

Boys too. Don't be ashamed to fart in front of your guy because what's really embarrassing is not letting your guy sleep because you're in discomfort, which means she also, her stomach hurt and she wouldn't go to another room. Wouldn't even go to, oh my God. Go to the other room. Well, another room. Go to the other room. Also go to the other room to fart. She couldn't go to the other room because there were 120,000 bees.

Why? She said, denial. Now I had to make him go to the hospital with me. From now on, I'm letting them rip, guys. I hope he was like, I want to break up. He's like, from now on, I'm letting you rip. He was like, I'll take you to the hospital. I'll take care of you. He's standing by. Yeah. He's like, from now on, I'm letting him.

He was like, I'll take care of you. He's standing by his side. She's like, from now on, I'm letting him. He's like. Pocah. He's just not that into you anymore. Pocah went on to blame TikTok. TikTok. That advised her to ignore the stomach pains.

Don't. Listen. Medical advice from TikTok. TikTok is like a notch above WebMD. You want to take design advice, hiking advice, vacation advice. Maybe pool floaties. There's a lot of great things on TikTok. But letting TikTok want to tell you you're fine is not okay.

You're not fine. Which led, she said, to her undergoing several tests to determine the source of her discomfort. Can you imagine if that's your job as a doctor? Let me run you through the battery of trapped fart tests An article for the Just squeezing Tickling her An article for the conversation

They put like a bouquet of roses by her asshole And they just go down Yep, that's what it was Classic Pepe Le Pew tests The conversation by Claire Collins A professor of nutrition and dietetics. A professor. A professor had to be consulted for the story. The University of Newcastle reiterates-

This is what she's published on. Cutting the cheese is almost always preferable to holding it in. Holding in gas can lead up to a buildup of pressure, which causes discomfort. Thank you. A buildup of intestinal gas can trigger abdominal distension, with some gas reabsorbed into the circulation and exhaled through your breath. Wow. If you keep it in, it's going to find another way out.

I prefer to do my own research. Sure. How many people are going to say that? Holding in flagellant for too long means a buildup of intestinal gas, which will eventually escape via an uncontrollable fart. We'll get out of here on this. On average, people break wind

how many times a day? How many times a day? On average. Oh, I like that. Kurt, you can go last if you want. I'm going to go last. Okay, what do you want? I'm going to say 10 times a day. 10. 22'm going to go last. Okay. What do you want? I'm going to say 10 times a day. 10. 22 times a day.

10. 22. 22? Mm-hmm. 30. 30? Mm-hmm. We'll get out of story two here.

Mm-hmm. Can you give us a little taste of it? We'll get out of it. Let's get this. On average, people break wind 14 times a day. Wow. Yes. We were right there 14

I'm 30 I'm doing 30 oh yeah you got stormy seats you're not you're not poca alright there you go that's story number 2

Dan give us a little teaser of story number 3 oh we had things stolen from a construction site there you go maybe it's a 3 foot wood thing to hit cars with we don't know

and for our Patreon fans we're're going to do a little- We're going to ask Kurt Braunhuller what's, in his mind, one of the dumbest stories he's ever covered on his show, Bananas. And he'll have to share that with us. He'll dig into it. Which will be another reason for you to- Another reason. And it'll be your doorway into now following his podcast.

All that is coming up after the break. This is Dumb People Town. Stick around. Make it sound. For more Dumb People Town. Stick around. Make us down for more Dumb People Town. All right, Daniel, take us home. Ready? This was sent in by Adam Reyna, at Wayne Adam.

Adam's a great guy. I met him doing a lot of pen pals in Dallas back in 2018, 2019. Oh, yes, dude. Okay, here we go. Headline is, Priceless Items Stolen from Construction Trailer. Okay. Priceless items. What is priceless that you're like, I, dude. Okay, here we go. Headline is, Priceless items stolen from construction trailer. Okay. Priceless items. What is priceless that you're like,

I gotta take this job. Where should we put this van go? I don't know. Throw it in the construction trailer. Where are the Dead Sea Scrolls? They're in the construction trailer. Underneath some boards and shit. Mm-hmm.

A man returned. Yeah, also, like, I understand you have to set up your little office every time you're there, but the idea that you're like, I need this on the work site, and it's priceless to me. Priceless. Where's the Stuban crystal bowl? Oh, it's next to my thimpk paperweight in the construction trailer. Where's my signed Michael Jordan's high school jersey?

Where did you leave it? In my construction trailer. I don't... It was draped over... Here's the hard hats. Here's my caution vest. Draped over a filing cabinet. Where else would I put it?

What kind of dumb question is that? I'm still hooked on the thimpk. I've never seen that. It made me think through it. What is he saying? DHIMK. Don't rush me. I'm making mistakes as fast as I can. Where's my sign?

It's next to the best sign ever in our uncle's print shop. Three things. You can get it. Good, fast, or cheap. Pick two. It's good and fast. It's not going to be cheap. If it's good and cheap, it's not going to be fast. If it's cheap and fast, it's

not going to be good. A man returned to his construction trailer Monday morning to find a bottle of whiskey and an autographed Hooters calendar had been stolen. How valuable is that? Priceless. I feel like we could put a price on both of these things.

She's dead. She's dead. She signed that right before she died. She made the bottle of whiskey by hand. It was not purchased from a store. She forged it between her hooters. The crazy thing about this to me

is I've been making this joke i'm not probably for 20 years that i go i don't like strip clubs i'm not a fan of it's not my thing i just there's always like a it's always like a sadness to them unless i'm in like portland which which you're just in a bar anyway yeah it's just a bar um and i always one of the things i always say when i'm saying this people as i go it's more chill. It's an actual atmosphere of like, let's just have a drink. It's not the like seediness, grossness. There's agency to it. It feels healthy.

It feels fine. And I go, you just don't have like some guy in the corner asking women to sign his Hooters calendar. And then when I saw this story, I was like, oh my God. It comes from being in Rockford, Illinois so many years ago and seeing a guy who had a Hooters calendar that he bought. And he was having the waitresses sign where their birthdays were. None of them are in the calendar. He just wants them to sign where their birthdays are. It's like having a policeman sign a fireman's calendar.

Right. I'm like, I was hoping. It's like they're both first responders. In fields. Serve the community. A Hooters waitress and a stripper, they're both kind of first responders. In fields. Serve the community. A Hooters wager said a stripper. They're both kind of first responders to loneliness. To loneliness.

That's true. Okay. He returns to find the bottle of whiskey in an autographed Hooters calendar had been stolen, according to a report from the Denton Police Department. The man said he had last been in the trailer located at the 1900 block of a Palace Drive. Add that to the Dumb People Town walking tour around 5 p.m. Friday. Just say when I got off work. And returned early Monday morning to find a window smashed inside the man told police the whiskey and the quote priceless calendar.

It's priceless to whom? And several bottles of Gatorade. There it is. There it is. And that is priceless. This is how you know him. This is how you know him right there. I mean, how can you put a price tag on several bottles of Gatorade?

I don't even know how many there were. And they were warm and they were covered in dust. It was a number. Also, the guy who broke in there, he made out. What was he expecting in there? Whiskey, calendar, and hangover stuff for the next morning. Ready to go. Yes.

He's going to need those electrolytes when he's done with that calendar. He also reported a second break-in at another trailer on the construction site, which had broken glass and a missing key, the report said. The man told officers he would check surveillance video to see if footage of the incident was captured. Look at that first, before you even call the cops. Before you call the cops, you know exactly who this is. And also, they're useless. You have a picture

of the person who robbed you, and the cops are like, well, I don't know anything. Go for it. It's a useless thing to have. Dan, I think it was an inside job. He valued the repair and replacement at $600 just for fun. We'll end it on here. $600.

The priceless replacement. Well, that's the repair and replacement. How much do you think he valued the cost of the whiskey at? There's no price for the goddamn Hooters calendar. The Hooters calendar, it'll never happen again. What did he? Whiskey cost just for fun? I mean, the most, I think.

All right. This guy? Well, you know the calendar's priceless. We know that's priceless. And he really values several bottles of Gatorade. So somewhere in between there is whiskey. Somewhere in between there is the whiskey. All right, $60.

Okay. Jay, what do you think? $2.40. $2.40? It's like he's going to say this was like some Japanese. $49.99. $49.99. To the penny.

To the goddamn penny. Wonderful having.99. $49.99. To the penny! To the god damn penny. Wonderful having you here today, Kurt. We'll close it on this and we'll say our goodbyes. The cost of the whiskey is valued, according to this Hooters man fan, $65. Yay! It's nice to go out on top.

It's a great way to go out on top. Like a dolphin in a house. If you don't know what that means, that means you're not a member of our Patreon. Join the Patreon and find out what that means. Kurt Braunohler, amazing. Follow him on all social media. Check out Bananas. Go see it live and all that stuff.

We love you guys. Oh, shit, we've got to get back to work. We've got to get back to work.