Dumb People Town - Kurt Braunohler - Gordon Lightfoot Roasters

Episode Date: March 2, 2021

This week Kurt Braunohler comes to town to hang with Daniel, Jason and Randy. The first story is about an axe and missing windshield. The second story is about a father challenging his child's birth certificate. The final story is about a thief that scolds a parent.

Skypains Avenue Couldn't make this up. So listen to our podcast jam with co-host Armand Dan. Banders, don't be a jerk. Cause when the music hits the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, talk your downies, Dumb People Town. Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Bron-O-Ler Population Bron-O-Lar. Kurt Bron-O-Lar.

It's about to get bananas up in this bitch. Oh, nice tie-in right off the bat. It's about to get bananas up in this foster. I'm serious. It is. Want to know a fun Kurt Bron-O-Lar story? Yes. 2011.

I'm interning at UCB. Wide-eyed to the world of comedy. Just a babe. Oh, no. I'm already. I'm terrified. No, you should be terrified Tuesday night. It's Tuesday night, which means comedy death ray soon to be comedy

bang bang. Sure. Kurt comes on. I we did not know each other at all and I watched him rip the paint off the wall. Yeah at UCB Franklin and your set Kurt was like one of my first you're in l a and this is great fucking stand up comedy. I'll never forget it and then you shit all over dan in the back. So you were very rude to me. You were like that's all the fucking water you have

back here. You did shit and I was like oh clean the toilet lights a little bit brighter. You piece of shit? Paul Scheer was like, Kurt, Kurt, Kurt. He's a man. Fuck you, Scheer. And I'm the one who took that middle tooth out. I punched him so hard. You messed up a lot of people. It's crazy, man.

You messed up a lot of people. Well, you used to be real charged up when you came off stage. So I remember. Everybody knew, get out of the way. He's coming off. He's coming off. Get up. Give him five.

Give him five. Give him some time to cool down. That's nice to hear that because in my head, my memory of ever doing that show, like back then, because that was like really when I first started doing stand-up, was just too awkward. No, you were amazing. Oh, it was such a great show.

I can remember when Ron Miller came and did my benefit for my school. Just destroyed. And i put him up first you might have had to leave or go do something else or i think i just went up first i put you up first because i was like i want it i want to start the show off well i don't think anyone could follow him like no one even came close to what you did that whole night so good so amazing nice i remember what i remember is you guys were very nice and asked me to host for you when you came and played comics. Yeah.

Like, I don't know. 2014 or, yeah. Years ago or something. And that was definitely, I did to dead silence. No, we loved it. Well, we loved it. Not us. And we kept saying to you, the reason,

I don't know if you remember this backstage, and I think it's the reason why you would be great as we do this show today. We kept saying, we love what you are demanding out of the audience, and we love how involved your bits are, and it sets the table so beautifully for us. You did not. We have great shows. Which is always the best thing for a host, is when we have a great show, which is always, you know, the best thing is that for a host is when we have a great show.

It's like, thank you. Thank you. No, I learned that later. I learned. No, you and you've hosted some great shows.

Hot tub, one of the longest running amazing shows by coastal, you know, Brooklyn now brought out to LA. You and Kristen Shaw do a great job with that show. All right. You're wonderful. Thank you. Let's talk about how dumb the world is because your podcast, brought out to LA. You and Kristen Schaal do a great job with that show. All right. You're a wonderful person.

I'm not. Thank you. Let's talk about how dumb the world is because your podcast gets into it and we'll talk about that at the top of the next break.

But I don't know. I think the world may be even getting dumb. We crossed like a dumb Rubicon. A Rubidum. Have we crossed it now? A Dumbicon. A Dumbicon.

Dumbicon is happening this year. Dumbicon. Is it happening in San Diego? Yes, it's happening. At a mobile station. It's the only con that is actually happening in person. It's inside and it's poorly ventilated. No, it's called Sturgis. Right.

They already had it. I thought the con on half of the American people that's been going on, that's the other con. So things are dumb and they're getting dumber and we have proof because our fans send Daniel the most absurd stories. And I'm going to wonder the entire time, did you cover this on your show?

And if you did, you'll have built-in jokes. You'll have built-in jokes. Ready to go. Crossover episode right here. Daniel, should we jump in? Let's do it. Okay. This was sent in by Max Bettman at Max Bettman. I don't know. I had to does a max and room yeah, does it flys in this room, right? Jumping around a little bit that

Max Batman B E T M A N. If you want to give him a follow, he hit me up at Daniel van Kirk, hashtag dumb people, that's how you send in stories. Dms are open, but that's not where they go. All right, here we go. There's so many questions in this story. Even the headline itself should have a question mark because it doesn't headlines are supposed to give you the briefest, most concise synopsis of what you're going to see. Yes, they shouldn't confuse you is what you're trying to say.

Here we go. Ready? This is the headline axe missing windshield lead to drunk driving arrest and i'm adding in pauses and commas that aren't there to have it you're helping make it make more sense what it says axe missing windshield lead to drunk driving arrest axe missing windshield axe missing windshield lead to drunk driving arrest ax e you could infer that a windshield and an ax have come together like the Brave Little Toaster, and they led to a drunk driving.

What's your question, Kurt? Oh, I don't have a question. I was holding my hand like that. It definitely looked like I was raising my hand. You were about to actually. No, no, no. I'm like so confused. You were frozen mid-gesture.

No, you looked like you wanted to axe a question. So what? Okay. There it is. Axe missing windshield. Right. Missing windshield sounds like a wound. Oh, so an axe was thrown and it missed a windshield causing a drunk driving accident.

This is what you don't want a headline to do. Okay, fine. I want to be asking questions. Five words that make every dumb people town story wonderful. Start like this. A bizarre set of circumstances. There you go. Already.

That could be everything. Yes. Yes. That is ground zero in Dumb People Town. We want Dumb People Town stories to start like the beginning of Magnolia. Yep. Where you're like, surely this is not a coincidence. Surely these things.

Frogs could come out of the sky at any moment. A bizarre set of circumstances has netted a Nova Scotia man a conviction for drunk driving. Okay, our CMP because we're in Nova Scotia CBC is where we're getting this from our CMP. We're called to a section of highway one oh three outside Bridgewater Teddy. If you're nasty on December third twenty nineteen for a motor vehicle complaint. So somebody's just mad about a car. Yeah, responding officers found a parked car straddling the white line. The car was missing its front windshield. There was a hole in the back window, glass on the highway and an axe in the back seat. I did not read

a Cdc lyrics. I say This sounds like a Kenny Rogers song. Somewhere in the night, the gambler, he broke even. There was a car missing front wheel and a hole in the back window. There was glass on the highway and an axe in the back seat. And then I found words.

I found a cop that I could speak to. He said, you got to pull to the shoulder. You got to know when to pull out. Know when to leave it in. This is the perfect dump people time. Also, I have a question. If it's found by the RCMP, are they actually on horses? I asked that question and someone came back at us from Canada and said no.

There's got to be a division that still is. In my mind, they're all on moose. That's a tougher wrangle. He rolled up on a moose. That's a tougher wrangle. Hold my Tim Hortons. Yeah. I'm going to go over there and bust some ass.

Okay. So just for everybody catching up. Yeah, the car is missing its front windshield. Yes, there's a hole in the back in the back window. Dear Liza dear acts in the back seat, acts in the back seat, glass on the window, glass on the highway, glass on the highway, glass on

the high is also class on the highway, which is a Gordon Lightfoot song. There you are on the highway. That is not you're still doing it. you go. Glass on the highway. That is not, you're still doing, you're doing a Canadian Kenny Rogers. And you know what? Some people might call Gordon Lightfoot

the Canadian Kenny Rogers. Carefree highway. That's pretty good. Glass on the highway. You gotta go a little. I'll be coming home to you. If you could read my mind, what a day like this could turn.

You could see the vaccine. You don't want to use your jaw. There you this. You could see don't want to eat. You don't want to use your jaw. There you go. Could see there is no no. Okay, stop. Okay, now we're going to sing wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald. I've sent you the lyrics Kurt. Okay, have you guys actually had Gordon Lightfoot roasters, though in Canada? It's delicious. What is it? What is it? It's a chicken. We were all in. I thought it was a coffee. I thought it was a coffee.

No, no. He's doing Kenny Rogers roasters. I know. I know. I know. It's the cedar plank that makes it good.

Oh, you set up a perfect joke and we took it with sincerity. We took it seriously. I love it. All three at the same time. Really? Oh, yeah. What is that? Does he have it? set up a perfect joke and we took it with serious love it all three at the same time. Oh, really

at first, beautiful police said it appeared the car was empty, so they no one's in the car, those car right at first appeared a car is a car and then, but then a man leaned forward in the driver's seat. He was later identified as Trent William Lewis, T W L Trent William Lewis. Is he on letter Kenny? Here's my thing, though they have to be telling this story out of order. Trent, because if you've already seen glass on the road, yeah, two broken windows, one of them's a windshield missing and an accident, and you haven't noticed the guy on the road yeah two broken windows one of them's a windshield missing and an axe on the front seat and you haven't noticed the guy on the man yes so i imagine he's laying completely

down he's like in the foot he's like in the foot well that would be amazing if he was down there i was saying he's just reclined all the way and then like the cops come up and it's just yeah yeah and then he's sitting up, right? You hear it slowly. How else is he going to have avoided that axe? Unless he was right. You're right. Maybe.

According to a court decision issued earlier this week, Lewis, that's Trent, asked police why he had been pulled over. They came upon the car. no one already over yeah you pulled over you stopped in the middle of the road so the cops are asking him questions what are you doing bud yeah hey bud so what are you doing hey bud hey bud so he's in the middle of the road he's asleep essentially yes and then he comes to and says, why did you pull me over? That's right. That's a person that comes up swinging. Sir, do you know how fast you were going?

Not at all. Do you? That's a person who wakes up swinging. Right. Yeah. He said, why was I being pulled over? It was then Judge Paul Scovel. Never met a Scovel I liked liked my entire life. Come on

Paul Scoville, right that the officer noticed Lewis had his pants down to his knees. So many things go by the way. It just keeps revealing. Yes, if it was just no pun across the center line, right, you'd be like a live one, no axe, no windshield missing, no back windshield with a hole in it, just a guy with his pants down who pops up. Right. You'd still be like, weird case, weird time. That's something. So the officer noted Lewis had his pants down.

Pants free highway. That's pretty good. That's good. I quote, I can't believe I can take judicial notice that this is an unusual way to wear one's pants when operating a motor vehicle now the judge is coming out and saying before anybody says that's how you like to drive i can't believe it nobody said it like no he's so many things happening i can't believe he can drive like that not that it's weird not that it's wrong right here's my question here's my

question did all of this stuff happen and he was like oh man i've had a crazy night let me park in the middle of the road and just have a wank before i fall asleep one for me silver lining but think about this and i would feel really bad if this guy this is what he needs to get off like you need oh that poor soul such a horribly complicated we need the front windshield out i need an ax through the back and all these things. It's the non-Oscar winning movie Crash. Remember that? Where people had to have sex in the middle of car

accidents? Yes. Based on a J.G. Ballard book that I read in high school. Really fucked me up. Wow. That'll send you down a path. You're impressionable. You sure did. You're learning to drive and you're like, when do we have sex?

No, we're just driving. When do we get into a car crash and then fuck someone's leg wound? That is literally a crash course in sex and driving. Yeah, that's called our brothers. Crash free highway.

Don't ever stop. The officer ordered Lewis out of the car and told him to pull up his pants again. The order is wrong. Yeah, I would do pants first. Then you get to do that weird thing when you're in the car and you have to hoist your own hips up. You know, when you're changing out after the beach or something reaching for a wallet,

he ordered him out of the car told the pulp his pants. It was then that Lewis took off running. Pants up or down, I do not know. I so want him to be down. According to the judge. The waddle. Quote, he did not get far before being tackled by the officer.

I'm guessing three steps. Yep, one, two, three. He was on a horse, so he, of course, was easy to catch. He lassoed him, and then he put him on the ground. No, he took the lasso, connected it to the moose antler, and then just tied it to the guy and he just... And then they dragged him for about 49 feet. You know, you can't control a moose. You can lead a moose to water, but you can't control it.

And it's dragging. These are recent immigrants from Scotland. No, we're from Canada. We're from Kitchener. We're from Hamilton. We're from Hamilton. We're from Kitchener. We're from Hamilton from Hamilton. We're from Kitchener. Okay, here we go. Given Mr. Lewis's condition

after the officer had given him a oh, this is some shit. I'm sure. Yeah, he okay. I'm going to read this all together. He did not get far before being tackled by the officer. According to the judge given mr lewis's that's trent's condition the officer could have given him a 100 meter head start and he still would not have evaded capture is that bragging yes that's just that's a little show body that's a little bit given you at lewis's trial

but also like a weird thing to i could have beaten you with one arm tie behind my back. Well, you have both your legs, so right at lewis's trial you right. Kurt, you call this. It just keeps revealing itself. It's like a job scene in a rest of development at lewis's trial. A woman testified that she drove lewis and another man from liverpool toward and another man from Liverpool toward Bridgewater. When she told the court, Lewis started, quote, freaking out now to the level of that. I don't know that we know she.

Well, I guess we do actually. She said Lewis kicked out the windshield. Sure, at which point she and the other man fled. She told the court when they left, there was no axe and no hole in the rear window. It's like a ghost story. This is like an ass or dumb ghost story. Ax is coming from inside the car.

Although, could you imagine he starts kicking out the window? Yeah, the windshield, which is not easy to do then, and then they leave and some like renegade vagabond rolls up. He finds himself in a whole other spider's web like in Pulp Fiction, where he's gone from one frying pan to another. And he's just chopping at the back of it. Stop it. Stop kicking out the thing.

I'm trying to have a wake up here. Honestly, if he kicks the front of a windshield out, this sounds like a little something that we've been missing in the later part of this decade is a little something called PCP. PCP. That's right. A little bit of PC and P. I know PCP is so 80s.

There's no like, what was PCP? Angel dust. I have no idea. There it was. Angel dust. But like, what was that? Was that meth? I don't know that either.

Right? I think it's different. PCP, what are you, in It was angel does, but like what was that? Was that math? I don't know that either right and then I think it's different. What are you in a John Hughes film? Jesus Christ and then ten years ago it got replaced with basil. It's like why can't we just go back to the seventies where all the drugs were okay, like it was just pure were not okay. It was lewds and coke and weed and everybody can handle it. Yes, yeah, quail. Okay, here youudes. Okay,

here you guys. This is again from the judge where the axe came from remains. This is some deep Canadian cut that maybe you guys will get. I guarantee we have time to get in it. This is a quote from the judge Scoville where the axe came from remains a mystery as deep as the money pit on Oak Island. What does that mean? Who's with me on this one lady ladies back me up on that. It's

deeper than the money pit on Oak Island. How close is this judge? How close is this judge to retiring over here like talking shit about how far somebody could have had a head start. They were that's a deeper question. They made some money pit on Oak Island. They made some bad personal investment into what money pit. Do you

mean your chances were like the trees? I have to look it out. Do it care. It has to be some Canadian thing that everybody does money pit on oka. His his excuses were barer than the trees up at Saskatoon Lake. Am I right? I mean, because in Chicago you there is a thing like this where you can be like, you're going to take longer than the spire because like 15 years ago, they were supposed to build right along the lake, the spire building that never happened. It was like

the housing crisis. It would take longer than the spire. Yeah, so there's still just this huge gate hole. Yeah, it is. It's on Oak Island in Nova Scotia. Is this all taking place on Nova Scotia? Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah, they've got their own little world there.

They've got their own language. It refers to stories of buried treasure and unexplained objects found on or near Oak Island in Nova Scotia. Okay, so now that is actually confusing because a money pit is like a house you start to renovate and it just keeps you throwing money into it. It's not some sort of mystical treasure land. It's not a pit filled with money. What cabin up in Oak Island are they trying to renovate? No, I think people have been like wasting money trying to find this treasure. So it is a money pit. So it's a money pit of virtue, yes.

Lewis himself remembers little of the events leading up to his arrest and probably even shortly thereafter. Except why did they pull me over? He says this is what he says. Lewis remembers little of the events that leading up to his rest, other than they other than that, they involve a quart of rum, cocaine and a how did how long day house party? How many days he said that in days was that you guys guess he said that I was at a house party that

lasted this many days. I had cocaine and a quart of rum. How many days do you think he said that? I guess it's three days from Kurt. Jay, what do you think? I'm going to say it's like a six day party, six day party. I think was a four day, four day party party one of you is exactly right so now we get to get now we get to make the guess do you think that you're exactly right or do you want to switch it to one of ours oh no i'm exactly right i think i'm exactly right okay i think i'm too long but i'm gonna stick with mine it's okay lewis remembers very little we'll get out of here only one of us can be right here by the way yeah i mean seriously if we don't get it right i will have an axe to grind with you have a windshield to kick out with you guys lewis himself remembers little of the events

other than that they involve a quart of run cocaine by the way this sounds like that old thing on sesame street or literally quarter rum a stick of butter, a loaf of bread, quarter rum, cocaine, a pound of cocaine, and a four-day party. A four-day house party. Oh! That is crazy. That's story number one, my friend.

Oh my God. Right now, in a pandemic, the goings-on up in remote Canada is like, this is when the crazys on up in remote Canada is like, this is when the crazy stuff just happens because people are like, what else am I going to do? There's a point at which people are just like opening and closing car doors on their heads just to get a high.

Stories like that too, I treat them, they're like dumb people telling Jeopardy stories. We have all the answers. But now we got to just get the questions right. Or we have all the questions and none of the answers here's what here's my question though sure what constitutes like how do you what a four-day party like i've been somewhere for four days and where we like we like drink every night right you know what i mean but even we drink like starting at like noon or something is that a but i would never something. Is that a four-day party?

But I would never refer to that as a four-day party. Does that mean everyone doesn't sleep? Yes, I think there's very little sleeping. No one goes to sleep, but some people pass out. That's work. A four-day party is work. Even Burning Man, people just hate it. We talked about this in our old comedy album,

our last one about Kiss. Rock and roll. Kiss, I want to rock and roll all night and party every day every day every day after like four days you'd be like i please i just want to watch netflix and just chill you gotta party it says in the liner notes we gotta party every day it's like you're going to work god i gotta do this. Because right now you'll rock and roll rarely every once in a while. Yes. And by doing it.

That sounds like nice. Yeah, by doing it once in a while, it's special still. Like when I watched you walk off into the night at Moon Tower towards whatever bad food and dancing, whatever that was with Aaron and Arden. Oh, Aaron Foley and Arden.

Yes. Like you were rocking and rolling. Yes. But you weren't gonna rock and roll again for maybe a half a year ever that was just so special it's why it was so much fun and we shut down uh Barbarella and it was so great and I watched a straight man hit on Aaron Foley it was so much fun oh my god that's amazing oh my and we encouraged it and it was a blast and Arden and I were cracking up and it was so much. And then we ate food. It's a good night.

It's a good night. Good night. All right. There's our first story down in the books. When we come back, we're going to talk about Kurt's awesome podcast, Bananas. If you love this one, you're going to love that. So we'll turn you on to that. This is Dumb People Town.

Don't go anywhere. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to the show. We got Kurt Braunohler, who I will say is a great follow on the social medias. We follow him and I like to see what you're up to, what sets you're on,

what you're filming and things like that. And then, of course, you tease what's on your podcast and we want to turn people on to that. So let them know what it is. Bananas. And it is bananas. It is the Bananas Podcast on Instagram. You can go look at it and see if you like what we do. Yeah, that's right.

I mean, there's some crossover to this in the sense that you cover some really dumb shit and some crazy stuff and people doing weird things. Yeah, I mean, our philosophy is that the world is so dumb right now and we try and figure out why. Why is the world dumb? The philosophy of this podcast to me is that shit is bananas right now and we need to get into why it is the way it is there. Yeah, I think it's basically, yeah, the whole setup is we have strange news and also we do a lot of historical strange news too. That's great.

And then it's just jumping off points for personal stories from Scotty and Mai's life And then from our guests as well. I love it. And also people correct me if I'm wrong, but like, because of the pandemic and everything people can like from all over the country can take part in hot tub, right?

Like for the first time ever, like hot tub is live streaming now. And it has been at hold the phone dot TV every Monday night at 8 PM. We've been doing hot Tub for 16 years. Some of my favorite sets ever at that show. I can remember Brooklyn sets and I can remember sets that we've had out here at the Virgil with you guys

and they're just some of my favorite, favorite. My favorite part is like we've got a bit that we've sort of been working on and we haven't brought it back yet and then we get to sort of unleash it on the audience there was my favorite feeling yeah when we're whole we call it holding we're holding we're holding new material we get to walk i don't know i don't know i don't think you and kristen were there that night but the the first time i did hot tub i think i've only done it twice but you haven't been around both times um the bit that i did this character but that ended

up being the closer of my album and it was like being able to go to the Virgil and just like try shit out. The best. I mean, the crowd's just like the whole portion of the crowd on the side standing up and they're like right there in your face and like the rest of the crowd. It just always was a great response. We'll get back to that. I promise you.

I know we will someday. I can't wait, man. I cannot wait. I miss it, man. Thank you for providing such a long run. It takes a lot of work. I don't know. I'm sure people don't realize it, but it takes a lot of work to keep a show going. You guys share the responsibility and whenever she was busy, you would take it over. When you're busy, she would take it over. And the show had its own sort of energy going. And it's such a gift to the comedy community to have a place where you're like, oh, you know, and we'll tell people,

young comedians who we love, who will be on the road with us from other cities. We'll call you guys up and be like, Hey, I have this person. Please put this person on. They're so great. And they'll do a great job.

And then it makes us all feel good. It is. No, it's been, it's been just, it's the only way like I meet new people anymore. It's a great way to, I know.

Isn't that crazy? You got two little kids. You got two little kids. Yeah. Well, we should mention for us that, so everybody check out Bananas Podcast.

You can get it wherever you get podcasts. Am I right? And is there any specific place you want to just send them to your Instagram at Kurt Braunohler? Yeah,

or you can go to the Bananas Podcast on Instagram. Great. It's got all links there for everything you want to do. Love it. Love it.

We should mention, as this drops, we're recording this before it happens, but then this drops next Tuesday. Then it drops on Tuesday. So the day that it's dropping, we just had our live Dumb People Town with Jack Black and Open Mike Eagle. And I'm just going to say right now,

even though it hasn't happened yet, it was amazing. It was amazing. It was unbelievable. We had a great time. You guys were all there. It was amazing. It was unbelievable. We had a great time. You guys were all there. It was a kick-ass audience. And we announced who our guest is for the next one.

And you definitely want to get your tickets for that because the guest is our very, very close friend, Ryan Sickler. The Honeydum podcast. This is the Honeydum. I don't know if you've heard the Honeydew, his podcast. We've been on it, all of us. And it is just blown up. He's amazing. He's also responsible

for one of the most enduring bits on this podcast, which is the try to find cheese at a CVS. A guy went to find sliced cheese at a CVS, and then that just became a running bit where we were asking, where's the cheese? It's over by the crutches and the antifreeze. Is that where it is? No, it's by the batteries

and the gun holsters. Oh, okay. Remember the employees all disappeared and they called the cops on him. Well, are you sure it's over there? I thought it was by the ace bandages and the orange Faygo.

No, it's by the salad tongs and the lipstick. Or the greeting cards and the day-old Halloween candy. Right. That's where the circus peanuts and the lip gloss. It's by the turkeys

and the shoelaces. Oh, okay. Lip gloss and the sunscreen. Have you guys heard about the one from Ontario where it was a woman, two women who stole over like $1,600 worth of cheese wheels from four separate grocery stores all in a row. Save that. Save that. Cause you know what we're going to do?

We'll do that story with you. We'll talk about it with you for our Patreon fans. So there you go. That's the tree Patreon fans. All right, We'll do that story with you. We'll talk about it with you for our Patreon fans. So there you go. That's the tree, Patreon fans. All right, we'll do that. And then- So again, we should say eventbrite.com. You can get your tickets for April 10th.

That is the Ryan Sickler show. We're still working on the musical guests, although we have it out to a few people. Very excited about that. And Jay and I are doing standup on March 20th at Nowhere Comedy Club. We'd love for you guys to come out. And live cheap seats.

We're going to put some live cheap seats in that show. We should do it. And so, I mean, this is the first time we've ever done that so if you are fans of ours and want to support us in a great way march 20th is another chance you have to do that okay i'll just say for myself on march 5th i've never seen casablanca so watch it and then talk to me about it we're doing a hub city movie club and then we're doing bingo where you can win real prizes and uh give to a great cause big brothers, big sisters, no kill animal shelters and food banks in your area. You can win for

those organizations plus tell secrets. It makes sense. I love it. It's really all that stuff's at Daniel Banker dot com, including the link to get your tickets for dumb people. All right, let's jump into story. Ready? I'm going to read you guys this headline. First of all, it was sent in by Jen Amity

Amity Amity J. M. Amityville Horace Amity. it was sent in by Jen Amity Amity Amity J and Amity Vil Hor, Amity, so I bet it's Jen Amity, the Amity, fifty one at Jammie fifty one. Here we go. I thought this would be really fun to do with the three of you guys. Here's the headline dad slammed for trying to change son's date of birth by claiming he has authority. Not time. Well, I guess time, but date. He wants to change his son birthday because you're not changing in name because he quote has authority.

Well, he's got a baseball player in the Dominican Republic. Not yet. No, but if you know when you become a dad, you think you're going to have authority over people. That's what you think. It's very much like that is the allure of dadship is authoritarian. You're like, I'm going to create somebody and then I'm going to get to control them. The answer is you will not.

No, you will not. If anything, you're constantly trying to just trick them into doing it by their own accord, but then doing actually what you want. And that is, you just become a master psychologist. I love these two over the years of telling me stories of essentially being in the toughest negotiations. Like, forget any sort

of deal they've ever had to do for a TV show. Like, negotiating food and or sleep time with their kids. So, it's just the things that you're like, I'm willing to give up this. If you're willing, you guys are sliding piece of paper across the table. All right. I won't go to Burning Man for three years. If I can just go, just go to bed tonight. Just please tell me how this looks to you. Slide it across. It is. It is insane. And then I always think about your dad, Kurt. And you've told great stories in your stand-up about your dad.

And just you traveling by yourself in the airport. Oh, yeah. I traveled by myself from age five on. Because my dad just decreed it. Like that. Like a drunk king. See? He's just like, the boy will fly on an aeroplane by himself.

And so I had to fly from New Jersey to Grand Rapids by myself. And he was always, and so it was like, you're an unaccompanied minor. And so they give you this sticker that says, I'm five years old. They give you a sticker that says unaccompanied minor, just to make sure everybody at the airport knows. You're open for kidnapping. You're in the pedophile buffet. Just a little silver platter for pedophiles.

Yes, yes. And I was like, there's no way they still do that. And then I was in Montreal. And you saw her. And there was a 12-year-old girl. She looked like she was 12 years old. She had the Unaccompanied Miner sticker on, but then she was also wearing this T-shirt.

And I'm assuming, I'm assuming her parents don't speak english because the t-shirt just said white wine all the time combined with the unaccompanied minor sticker not a good look for the parents that means she's unaccompanied all the time not just in the airport white wine all the time unkey. White wine all the time, unaccompanied all the time. She's raised by the streets. A dad has been slammed after he, quote, lashed out

at a nurse. Let's put a moratorium on treating nurses bad. Okay, they're doing God's work. He lashed out at the nurse who didn't allow him to change his son's date of birth on the newborn's official birth certificate. Yeah, you can't. The man explained that he and his wife recently welcomed their first child with their son being born at 1105 p.m. on New Year's Eve. He says a nurse handed him a form to fill out to record their child's details.

And he said January 2nd. And when he got the date, he said August 14th. No, he said January 1st. He wanted her to be in the new year. And when he got the date and the time of birth, he chose to put 12.05 a.m. on January 1st instead because, quote, one hour difference wasn't really a problem except for it's an entire year.

Yes. Who are you? This guy can't play hockey in Czechoslovakia. Now this kid, however, he was stopped by the nurse who told him that the details must be filled out with the exact time and date leading to an argument as he claimed he had the power to do it as he is the

child's father who cares and not a medical professional or a government. What's an hour to you lady? Who cares? He's doing the like the Baldwin speech from malpractice. You think I have a God complex. I am God

you think I have a God complex. I am God. It's pretty good, right?. I am God. That's pretty good, Ray. Thank you. That's pretty good, man. It's a good, great Batman as well. I argued with her about it. This is a quote from the dad because also... The dad was like interviewed. He's like, yeah, I want to go on record. That's what I was going to say, Kurt.

Shut up. Stop talking. Turn those cameras on. Nope. This tells you all you need to know about the guy. He thinks he's right. He's like, give me a chance to make my point right yeah when you hear me talk you're gonna see why you're gonna take my side camera on me camera on me okay i'll give you my name i'll spell it well my birth guys that's always a power move too that guy who's like daniel van kirk v-a-n-k-I-R-K. Here's what happened. We're not rolling yet, sir. Let me just tell you.

Let me tell you something. There's a space between the Van and the K. You capitalized both. Now listen to me. It's before he said anything. Now, do you want my side or not? Well, we haven't heard any of it yet, sir. Or they're very pleasant. I'm here with the father to see what he feels about this. Give me that right now.

I haven't even started. I don't care. It was great. Give me that right now. Okay, this is what he said. Quote. I argued with her about it and told her she was making. I don't know why I'm doing it in this voice, but it fits. She was making a huge deal out of it, he said,

and this was unfair to my son because he only lived in 2020 for just one hour 55 minutes. You know he threw a god damn in there that they did not put in the quote one god damn hour. Yes, but also what's so crazy too is that like it will not matter

to his son at all. It's just an imagined thing that he's created in his mind. that everyone has plans on your birthday. Yeah. That's what's going to matter

to your son. Or you just have amazing friends who are like, let's go. Do you know what we're doing tonight? We're going to New Year's. No, we're celebrating Jeff's birthday

is what we're doing. and then almost, literally almost to a minute, an hour later, we get to celebrate again. Yeah. Yeah. How about it? That's how great this guy guy is he like most people are just celebrating the turning of the new year we're celebrating this guy right no he wants it at 1205 so you count down scream then

start singing um he says i argued with her about it i told her she was making a huge deal also if your best defense is that she's making a huge deal. It's just the words huge deal. You're losing the argument. Yeah, that's the least technical argument. Also, huge deal being her job to uphold record keeping. Right.

Keep with you for your entire life. Following procedure is her making a big deal. Of the two people in this argument, I think he's making the huge deal. You're the guy making the huge deal. You're the guy making a huge deal, right? He got a reporter involved. Yeah, he's just

making a deal. This is like the person who told me I was too sensitive about the twenty twenty election and then has refused to ever speak to me again. Yeah, and I'm like I'm sensitive. I'm sensitive, but I'm sensitive. All right. He said it's unfair to my son because he only lived in twenty twenty for just one

hour. Do you think he's ever going? No, obviously, I almost asked the dumbest rhetorical question. I think the kid has no idea about twenty twenty and I don't want to even get on this guys. I'm trying to get into his mind to understand why he would do it. He thinks twenty twenty was such a bad year show that like I don't even want my kid to be. That's

when the quotes start coming with the dad cussing quote the quote plus twenty twenty was a shitty year. I like I don't even want my kid to be. Well, that's when the quotes start coming with the dad cussing. Quote, plus 2020 was a shitty year. I was right. I'm glad it's finally over and I don't want my son to be associated with it. So adding 2021 would make more sense. Well, too bad, buddy, because everyone's going to think of two things when they think of 2020

COVID-19 and your fucking son. Oh, do you know what happens is going to go on every single year in review. I worked door at bars in Chicago. I worked doors. I worked door here in LA. I bartended for six years. If I got an ID,

I don't care how long the line was to get in. If I got an ID that said September 11th, that person was getting in right away. So regardless of the year, yes, regardless of the year, since I got twenty twenty shitty year, man, you want to drink also twenty twenty. No one

no one's going to care. No right. I mean, like the bigger problem would be the fact that he named his kid Corbin nineteen, you know, I mean,, that's going to remind everybody about after she tried to argue with me, which is so

fucking toxic male. Yeah, this woman tried to argue with me giving me lip. Yes, right. Imagine that. And by the way, the argument is like, sir, you can't do that. You can't do that. So you just know we won't let you do that. It's not the way it the argument is like, sir, you can't do that. Sir, you can't do that. Sir, you just can't do that. There's no argument here. We won't let you do that. It's not the way it works here at a hospital. Also, adding 2021 would make more sense.

It doesn't make... You are doing the thing that doesn't make sense and trying to justify it. That doesn't make it make sense. By the time... We still have COVID in 2021. We don't have a vaccine. Yeah. We're still dealing with it right now.

2021 is also going to suck. Right. I'm just going to tell you that right now. We're already like two months in and it's going to... He's literally... He's going by like internet meme theory. Do you know what I mean? Yes.

2020 will be like, what? He has one guy at work that he idolizes and looks up to who said to him, you're really going to let your kid be born in 2020. He can't shake that. I got to look at this guy. I got to look at Gary every day. Kurt, I only saw a glimpse and I love that you're wearing a kneeled it

shirt. Okay. Oh yeah, kneeled it. Okay, and then it goes on. He goes on this. Actually, he tried to argue with me telling me that I was what I was doing is considered forgery. It is.

She was being nice by saying considered. She's using forgery. She's in legal terms, right? After she told me that what I was doing is considered forgery and would cause a huge issue because it's not just an hour i was changing the date as well so she's saying this he's still changing the day yeah it's like yeah that's the point i told her that i'm his dad so i get a say no you don't get a say in the world you're gonna be a great dad when this kid comes to you

things it wants to do with its life or the person it is or how it identifies or any of that stuff and you go go, well, I get a say. No, you don't. You don't get a say. You know what's going to be crazy is like three months in when the kid hasn't slept in like three days and they're both going crazy. You know that dad's just going to be like, well, you could have waited and had him born in 2021.

That's right. And then they are getting divorced. I told you, don't push. I told you, don't push. You just needed 55 more minutes. You had a great kid. There's a 2020 kid. So he cries so much. So that is and I

you bring that up and it is so funny, but it is like the culture of grievance. You've now just given this guy the grievance for the rest of his life about this kid. It gets he digs in even deeper. Great. So he says I told her that I'm the dad and I get to say and I take full responsibility for anything

that happens later, but you're not taking responsibility for what happens now. Now she lashed out at me. Did not lash out. This is like people who post like pro fucking white nationalist shit and then they're like, how dare you treat me like this? It's like you are the offensive

person had mean tweets, right? Okay, Stephen Miller, Stephen Miller had the gall to be like Biden's immigration policies are downright cruel. I'm like, are you kidding me? You can't say that, but this is what I tell my mom. I believe in the golden rule, and

many times I believe that I'm the second half of it, so I'm treating someone the way they've asked me to treat. That's right. The way I'm doing is upholding my end of the deal on the golden rule. No one said it had to be good. You treat me like shit. It's coming back to you, right? Right.

She says that he told me she's last out at me and told me that that quote. This is not how it works and that this form will not be accepted because it contained false information. You know, quote, she got more people involved, including the pediatrician who disrespected me by raising his voice. Shut shut. I hate this guy. I hate him, too.

I hate this. He said he disrespected me by raising his voice. I told them that I'm the parent and have the authority. You don't my God. You don't. This isn't a fiefdom. They ended. This is my fair part. They ended up taking the form and didn't let me fill it out.

That's a quote. We'll take that. We'll take that. It is not okay. We got it. My wife said that I embarrassed her by making a scene and acting stupid and lashing out. Oh, my God. This is like an episode of House Hunters

where you know how it's going to end with these people. But unlike Newsmax, he is reporting all the news. So at least he's reporting that his wife yelled at him too. And so she just pushed out a kid that she created with this dude.

And now she's got to push out the bullshit that this guy's doing. And she's just like all the regret, like the emotion she must be going to feel for this simon and garfunkel. He is an island quote. Here's the next stuff. He says his family heard about the incident and also condemned him for quote ruining their joy, this is his own family and causing his wife to be quote stressed out. Yeah, yeah, they're right ready for idiot number two in the story, but his brother oh god agreed. It was ridiculous for them to focus on a specific

time and also said the baby quote was born in twenty twenty one because he'll have a whole year to live, but only one hour of twenty twenty. His brother's dumber than he is. Oh, my God. They're the two dumbest people, and they're both there just egging each other on. Back me up, Dennis. Back me up.

Iron sharpens iron. Two idiots make each other dumber. That's right. I imagine it's like Rob Gronkowski and his brother. That's who I'm imagining talking to each other. Like dulling down. This is how dumb the guy is. He then went on Reddit.

This is the final part of this story. He then goes on Reddit. This is how it became a is. He then went on Reddit. This is the final part of this story. This is how it became a story. That's right. That's how we know about it. Dad took to Reddit to ask for other people's opinion and found support in very short supply. One person wrote, you are the asshole.

Reddit! As a parent, you don't have authority over space and time date and time of birth is fact not an opinion okay so that's where we're at now where people are taking the fat and saying that out there in Texas is

not real snow yes it is you can't say that he was born in 2021 no he wasn't oh these are facts That guy was just so dumb Stupidity That's our story number two Also just imagine that the 24 hours

After your wife gives birth Is such a Like it's very stressful already But it's also this like Magical time when you just like brought a life Into the world And you're like your only concern is to make sure that this child and this mother are like taken care of and then this is he's just on reddit no way this is what we are doing when my first child was born my wife had that they make in the hospital they make that great like

child was born my wife had that they make in the hospital they make that great like drink for her that's like all these juices that's very juicy and it looks so good and she said and i'm like exhausted and i said to the nurse i was like hey can i get one of those uh drinks too and my wife was like you need one of those drinks why do you need one of those drinks That's not even like one one thousandth to what this guy was doing. And I got the drink and every time I took a sip of it she looked over at me and she could hear the like, she heard the go up and the liquid

go up into the straw. That's a fraction. To this day, I'm like, that kind of was a dick move on my part. I didn't really need it. I didn't push anything out. But you know what? It looks freaking good. It's weirdly good.

It's only like two or three juices. And you're like, how the fuck is this so good? I want the juice cocktail, too. It's my freaking gift. You three. I am the father. Just go to the goddamn Tiki bar. I'll get you three drinks and a glass.

Dan, this juice does not exist anywhere except for after a baby. Thank you. You know what I'm talking about. It's truth juice. Everybody enjoy it. All right. We'll take a break when we come back.

If you're a Patreon member, Kurt Ronald is going to tell us a story that we teased and we're going to riff about it and it's only going on our Patreon. So join our Patreon so you can listen to this great story and then we'll come home with one, bring it home with one really funny quick story.

This is Dumb People Town. Kurt Braunohler. Don't go anywhere. Stick around. Make us down for more Dumb People Town. All right. This is something I love when we do it.

We don't do it every episode. But we do it with our heart whenever we do. Sure we do. And if you've ever wanted to hear what other people think of your name or at least three comics, here we go. And out the gate, we have a

pillar of the good community. Let's hear it. I mean, Chad Hawks, Chad, not as good as his cousin Tony. Yes, he is a damn good skateboard. He once looked at a skateboarder in a taco restaurant and I'm going to tell you all the things you can do. He can do a pop shove it. He can do a flip. He once looked at a skateboarder in a taco restaurant. I'm going to tell you all the things he can do. He can do a pop shove it.

He can do a flip. He can do an 18 stair. He can do an 18 stair. He can ollie off of a building. This guy's unbelievable. Tony Hawk could do it in an emptied out swimming pool. This guy could Chad Hawks can do it in a full swimming. Chad Hawks middle name is a backside 180.

Dude, I don't know that he has a middle name. It's just Chad Hawks. There you go. Next up, we got Brian Kelly. Isn't that the coach of Notre Dame? Coach of Notre Dame. Brian Kelly. He's a townie. He's rolling the sidelines. I don't want to like him because I'm a Michigan fan, but I love this guy. I don't want to like him, but I love him. This next person sounds

like a friend you had in high school. You guys didn't hang out. You didn't keep in touch, but she was always solid and would give you the answer on a test. Her name is Meg Lyons. Meg Lyons' parents are out of town and we're getting she's having a party at her house did you know that oh my god that's perfect the next one beth beth that's the only beth i wanted to be there you go uh sam good scott good i know you said sam good i was thinking of the uh but it's scott good with E at the end, so it could be Scott Goody. Scott Goody. Scott Goody. Okay, what's the next one?

Menzie Chase. Menzie Chase. Menzie Chase. Menzie Chase. I'm going to give her a little Menzie Chase. Menzie Chase sounds like a special drink at a bar. It's a special drink. Give me a... I'll take a Rimrock, Roy Rob, and a Menzie Chase.

Menzie Chase. Whatever happened to little Menzie Chase? Little Menzie Chase, you know what she did? She ran off and joined the circus. Next up, we got Brian's friend and relative, Charlie Kelly. So there's no two E's in Brian Kelly. There's only one E, two L's

in Charlie Kelly. In my heart, they love each other. Let's keep it cool. As the next person, we have Aisha. Aisha. Aisha, you are the girl that i know i had and i want to get to know you better it was our very first date we could not stay out too late her mother said she had to be home at night at the playground yeah oh god playground. Yeah. Oh God. Okay, if this person,

if this person was not an alternate for the 1992 NBA All-Star game, I don't know anything about this world coming up at six to at Fernando Mississippi shooting guard Alonzo Flowers Alonzo Flowers

also is like a great name. It also could be a verb like Alonzo stepped in the house and he started flowering. Yes, he became who he was. Great name. Heather Larson. I say this without any anger, but you do sound like an ex-girlfriend's name. Really? Heather Larson? Are you still with Heather Larson?

I'm not with Heather Larson anymore. She is a pillar of the community. But you know what about Heather Larson? I love her. We're still close. You know what? I still get emails from her mom. Yes, every once in a while she'll say I saw you on something. Samuel Price. The Price is Right.

The Price is Right. Samuel Price sounds like a local publication. How funny was it in, I guess it was, what was the movie where Sandler says to Bob Barker, the price is wrong, bitch. That would be Gilmore, baby. Oh, Gilmore.

Let's see, Benjamin Cooper. Little Benji Cooper. Little Benji Cooper. Little Benji Cooper. Thomas Stoltz. Thomas Stoltz. Reed Larson. Reed. Isn't Jay Larson's son named Reed?

He is. That's Jay Larson's son as a townie, Reed Larson. I love you, Reed Larson. Thanks, buddy. By the way, let's son is a townie. Reed Larson. I love you. Thanks, buddy. It's not gloss over Thomas Stoltz. Thomas Stoltz does all his own stunts. Yes, it's true and he's a true local. So Samuel Price

and then we have Aaron Butler. Aaron Butler and he did it. The Aaron did it. The Aaron did it. Butler Taylor Miller. Sometimes I hear names. I know it only takes four syllables, but that doesn't mean it always works. I just hear it like Taylor Miller. Clap, clap, clap, clap, clap.

Yeah. Mary Skaggs. Toledo. Whoa. He's for the fight. He's for the show. Mary's waiting for Toledo. I was driving two days ago. I heard the song. I almost

took a picture of the screen on my and I was going to send it to you guys and go take me back to New York City so we can sing this song. I was really fun. We took over that bar. We each of us tipped the guys behind the bar 20 bucks and I stayed open till five and then I went back at like three

into the hotel room where my whole family was. I'm like, I'm going to be waking up in like three hours. But that was a hundred percent rock and roll that night. Okay. I want to see if you can get this next last name. Harry. Carrie would not be able to try everybody. Heather.

Try. I'm going to go try. Try. Try. Heather. Try. She's so shy. Oh,

baby. She's so shy.. Oh, I love my baby. She's so Shry. This next one is the coolest guy in Chicago. Slade Sucecki. Slade Sucecki. He was born in a leather jacket. Yes, he was. Swaddled in a leather jacket.

Ken Maroon. Slade's a true local to Ken Maroon. Ken Maroon is the guy. He is the captain now. Takura McCullough. If that is not the hero in a Disney movie, yeah to cura McCullough. It means no worries. It does

rest here. So oh man, we're either the first person or the five hundred thousand. I want to be the first Michael Vader, Darth Vader's brother, Michael. He went a different route in life. We don't often hear about it. He does not want to talk about his brother.

He opened up a candle shop to his spiritual in his own way. It doesn't need to get into some whole big goddamn thing. He sells waterfalls and chimes. Michael, can you make it? No, you can't make your own candles, but we got we have a bread scented candle like Ryan McCullough. Ryan McCullough is the

Takara McCullough of true local. There we go. And then we have John Sampson, John Sampson Sampson and Delilah. Where is his Delilah? That's what I'm saying. Hey there.

Hey there. Hey there. I know. Caroline Adis. Adis. Adis. Adis. Adis and a bag of chips.

Rob Cotton. Cotton. Caten. Rob Cotton. Caten. Where are you going? You go a lot of Midwestern. There's a lot of Midwestern pronunciations.

I think it's Rob Caten. I think it's Rob Caten. I'm going to go Caten too. Rob Caten holds the record for the longest interception in Missouri State. 3A football history. Rob Caton Holland. You go Julianne or Julianne? Julianne.

Julianne Rowan. Julianne. Julianne Rowan. Julianne Rowan. Yes. That's a good name. That's an author. She's an author.

She writes. She ghost writes every book. And then we have Melissa McGuire. The Toby McGuire of the Toby McGuire of Lisa McGuire is like close to Lizzie McGuire. I like it. Me too. And then we'll do one more.

Ready? How would you say that? Graham? You do? Yeah, it's Graham. I've never seen Graham. Yes, yeah. Graham golfer.

There's a golfer who spells Graham Wilson. Graham Wilson. That's such a cool way to great way to spell name. He's got a E on the end of it. Graham Wilson. Graham Wilson has a has a

has a cross. He stills in Nash cover band. I mean, I think I'm going to. Graham Wilson. Graham Wilson has a Crossey, Stills, and Nash cover band. I mean, I think I'm going to be so bold. We could do a separate podcast of us just reading people's names. It's so much fun. And you know what? We do it because we love you guys. And thank you for all your support.

To everyone who's supporting us in Patreon, no matter what level you're at, we love you and we hope you're enjoying. We're working super hard to give you guys extra content. And I hope you'll dig it. Let's get back to the show. And if you want to hear your name, by the way, Red, just join our Patreon. We'll read your name.

We'll go off. So fun. All right, now let's get back to the show. All right, Dan, you want to take us home, buddy? Let's do it. Ready? All right. Jay, I didn't do this on purpose.

I didn't know you were going to talk about that, but here we go. Okay. Another kid story for you guys. Great. Man brings back stolen car to return child and scold mother who left child in car. Okay, so this dude steals a car, finds a kid in it, goes back, drops off the kid and yells at the mom. Absolutely.

How dare you have the high ground at that point? You know what I mean? Yes, there could be people out there like me. I feel like this is what, whenever someone gets busted for doing anything, like Dan worked at loss prevention at Marshall Fields. And so like, if you're caught with something, just turn it around to them and be like,

okay, your system works. Here you go. And you just leave. You're just like, I'm the stress test. I'm just checking to see if your system made the prices so high around here. Hey, you should be happy. And then go, where's your manager? This guy's doing a great job. Just like, I'm the stress test. I'm just checking the Severs system. I'm not the one who made the prices so high around here. Hey, you should be happy and then go, where's your manager?

This guy's doing a great job. Don't you feel like this happens in real life all the time with hackers? They end up getting hired by the FBI. Yes. Yes. You're good. Yeah. But here's the thing is that he still stole the car.

Yes. Yeah, he stole the car with the kid in it. He returned the kid and he's like, you don't leave a kid in the car. Now I got to go steal your car again. And here's your car seat because I care about you. God damn it. This was sent in by Alvin Cadabay at ACadabay36. And I'm so excited because Easter's coming up soon. Cadabay eggs.

Those Cadabay eggs have a child in it. Caramel and a baby. Beaverton, Oregon. That's where we're at for this. A woman has her son back after a thief stole her car with the child inside. Oh my God.

The terror. Lock just those doors. When you leave your kid in the car, you lock the doors. That's right. You don't lock the door and you're like, Jay, you yell at the people

in the car next to your car. I yelled at this woman so loud. This was on the Patreon that I think we talked about. That's true. People won't know unless they listen. For those who don't know, Jay told us on our Patreon about going to a car wash

and leaving his daughter in the car wash while he was within view right outside the window. That's why if you want to hear the rest of the story, you got to join the Adrian. Okay, so a woman has her son back after the thief stole the car with the child inside. Police responded to basic meat market, which sounds like a great sounds like a singles bar for just basic bitches. Yeah, that's where

you go when you do not care about yourself. That's where you go with basic meat. That's where you go when you want to meet someone who just wants to live, laugh and love. Yeah, in Chicago, all the four am bars are called meat market. They are police responded to a business in the eleven thousand nine hundred block of southwest Canyon Road. That is too high, too high of a lot match at around nine a.m. Saturday. A woman said she went into basics meat market to quickly grab a couple of items. That's all going to be quick and left her four-year-old son in the car with the engine running.

Why? While she was inside the store, a man got into the car and drove off. Of course, the woman told box 12. The man then drove back to the meat market. That's right. And yelled at her. Yep. Threatening to call the police because she left her son in the car.

I love it. He is so mad. Are you kidding me, lady? I stole your car. We're out here. Stealing cars is one thing, and I get it. I'm good at it, but leaving your child, you can't return that item. You're making our jobs harder, lady.

All right, we're just out here stealing cars. Now you're making me a kidnapper. Fuck you. He's tying the pandemic. You don't think this is hard enough for everybody right now? I'm not a kidnapper. You know what you did to me? Also, Jay and I have a big, we've talked about this on our daily podcast. We have a huge problem with adults when they're taken, being called kidnapping.

Because you're an adult. Like, I get it in this case. But like, what are you, kidnapping? It's just a napping. But it should be a nabbing. It should be a kid nabbing. It's not napping. You're not putting the kid to sleep. This is a terrible misnomer and we need to do something about it. So he fix it. He drives back, yells at the mother, threatens to call the police because she left her son in the car. The man then ordered her to get her son out of

the car before he drove off again. So I hope all he did was crank roll down the window. Get over here, get him out of here, and I'm leaving. No, no, I'm leaving, but you stole my car, sir. You know what? Why don't you go in and get me three pounds of chuck roast and I'll get out of here. Quote. This is the mom. As moms, we get really busy and we think we're just running in for a second, and this is just a perfect example of just letting our guards down and how terribly it could have ended. So I'm just you've used just way too many times, so I'm just thankful that he's okay, and it was so stupid and I'll never do it again, but it's that split second

decision that could just change everything. The woman told Fox News. She said the boy was not harmed during the ordeal. And she was wearing a shirt that says white wine all the time. Yeah. Wait, wait. The thing about it is there was probably a minute where the kid's gone and there's like just a quick second where she's like, I could go to Vegas.

Yeah. How much sleep? I'm going to get so much sleep for the next night. It's a different life, guys. I know I should be sad and I will be sad about this but I can start doing Pilates with a four year old the four year old will definitely just be like

oh hello what's happening this is fun what color do you like do you like stegosaurus he couldn't handle the inquisition of this kid I just started questions about dinosaurs, and he's like, no!

The whole time. No, he tried for a while. He's trying to do the reach back with goldfish and stuff. He's like, I can't. I can't. I can't. I dropped my snack. Can you help me get it?

No, I cannot. Maybe she was relieved because she never wanted a kid to be born in 2016 anyway. That's right. And so she was like, hey, let me start over. Twenty twenty one and oh five. Police are looking for the suspect and the vehicle. The suspect is described as a white male in his twenties or thirties. So he took the car again.

And yes, and he kept stealing the car. Yes, he has dark brown braided hair. The car is a twenty thirteen silver Honda pilot with Oregon license plate. Anyone with information is asked to call the Beaverton police. I kind of feel like you got your kid back. He gets the car. That's a trade. That's right. You the worst thing that could have happened in your life was fixed and you

no longer have a car, but I feel like that's what she's saying. Do you know what I mean? She's just so happy to have her kid back. Yeah, that's what in his mind. He was just like, she's probably just going to give me this car. She's going to give me this car. I was going to get... I was going to create this situation. We're going to drop charges right here. He could have pulled up and be like, I'm willing to trade you this car I've already stolen

for your kid. And she would have taken the deal. Hands down. Hands down. I mean, I don't know. I've never been in a Honda pilot, but I feel like... That's pretty nice. Pretty nice. It's one of the top end SUV family cars thank you oh that's our third story that's a show

that's a great great show love it Kurt Braunohler again bananas podcast check the follow it on Instagram follow him on Instagram and oh shit

we gotta get back to work Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb