Dumb People Town - Kyle Ayers - Landlocked Shrimp

Episode Date: January 19, 2018

On the very first DPT minisode, the Sklars and Dan Van Kirk are joined by comedian Kyle Ayers (Boast Rattle, Never Seen It podcast)! In this week’s story, a man is arrested for getting into a fight with another man over shrimp.

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast jam With co-host Armand Dan Man, jerk, don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits the funny So listen to our podcast jam with co-host Armand Dan. Man, don't be a jerk. Cause when the music hits the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, because your down is Dumb People Town. Hey, townies. Welcome to a mini episode of Dumb People Town. Population you.

Population one. Population 1. This is our first episode. Yeah, and our guest. I'm so excited about our guest. He's a great young comic. He does one of the coolest shows off an idea of a show that we just faded in and we just did it last night. The roast battle. He does the reverse of that called the boast rattle, which is just you compliment, right?

Kyle Ayers. Just compliments. Hello. Thanks for having me, guys. Hello. Hello. Great to have you. Not from St. Louis, but from Kansas City or right around Kansas City. So a Midwestern guy like all three of us.

That's true. It is nice to have you on here. But, again, you were explaining the boast rattle. Please explain this to our fans. So it is a competitive compliment contest to see who can be the one true master of magnanimity, the champion of charity. You two comedians go head to head complimenting one another. You call someone out and you're like, I want to say great things. We've had people call other people out and say, I want to be nice at you.

I want to be nice at you. Have you buried hatchets from feuds in doing this? that would be the eventual goal so tell me what were some of the greatest I don't know how good Josh Gondelman is so the people you think would be good at it have been incredibly good at it people, Josh Gondelman

Aparna, Nan Sherla, Martha Kelly people who have these wonderful personalities, wonderful kind souls someone like Aparna, Nan Sherla I remember one that sticks out in my head people who have these wonderful personalities, wonderful, kind souls. So someone like Aparna Nancherla, I remember one that sticks out in my head. She was going against Joe Zimmerman,

another very funny comedian. And she said, Joe Zimmerman is so respectful of women. Which is an incredible way to start a new joke. She says, Joe Zimmerman is so respectful of women that the website Jezebel briefly considered naming themselves Joe Z-Bell. But they didn't because that would have been dumb.

I love it. Well, I'm so happy to have you here on this maiden voyage of the minisode. Yeah, thank you for having me. Because we're going to start doing this thing where on Fridays we're going to launch a mini episode. A little something for the weekend. Just one story. A little something for the ride home on a Friday night. I love that, Dan.

And it's a chance to introduce you to some comedians you may or may not know and get you involved in other folks. And this will just be the little snack to hold you over to when we do the other episode. We don't know these stories. Kyle has never heard this story. The world's getting dumber. Dan, let's jump into our story. All right, here we go.

This was sent in by one of three Jared Thornbos on the internet. Thorn-bers on the internet. Thorn-ber. The fabulous Thorn-bers. So that's obviously a guy who's... Do you guys have other Randy or Jason Sklar's or Kyle Ayers? There is another Jason Sklar. There are other Kyle Ayers.

There's a Kyle Ayers who's a shortstop in Tampa Bay. I remember. He's a Tampa Bay prospect. Do you get some interesting like hate tweets? I don't. One time I followed every Kyle Ayers and retweeted everything

they'd all ever said. And I made it too far back in the West Virginia offensive lineman Kyle Ayers' Twitter. And I was like, we can't be living in here.

I think he was 11 when this started. It's never good to see yourself put on weight and then succeed because of it yeah that's what an offensive lineman does that's what they do that's how they there's a there's a guy so obviously professionally i go by daniel and there's a dan van kirk somewhere in like the southeast and he

has the handle at dan van kirk stop and so he'll every once in a while I'll check in on him. Yeah. It looks like a version of me 20 years, 30 years from now. In the future, yeah. But no offense to this guy, but just for what I want out of life, not the way I want it to go. That's where it's heading though. I hope he's completely happy. Dan, you can't stop it. But he

he'll get promoted in shows all the time. Of course. Never corrects anybody. No. Takes the follows. Takes the follows shows all the time. Of course. Never corrects anybody. No. Takes the follows. Takes the follows. Takes the follows. Because they'll just write like, they'll just write like,

at Dan Van Kirk without, you know, checking or assuming. Because they think that's what it's going to be. Right, right. I just looked up Jason Sklar on Twitter. There is an at Jason Sklar, and I'm going to read you one of his tweets from January 8th.

Wolves up by 20 on LeBron. Hashtag how. Hashtag how. Hilarious. Wait, when was that tweet? Hashtag how. On the 8th of January, I think. Oh, so he's up to date.

He's up to date. He tweets pretty. He's a stats guy. He tweets weekly about Wolves game. Wait, what's his handle? At Jason Sklar. He's got at Jason Sklar? I mean, I'm at Sklar Brothers.

I know, but part of me wishes I would have just taken it to have it. You got to be the people. You got to jump on every new social media and grab up your name. That's right. One of three Derek Thornbergs. Thornbergs on the internets. At double O negative. Okay.

A lot of information. This guy puts a lot of info into it. I got like a piece of his security, like social security number. Yeah. Looking to add for LifeLock. Rexburg, Idaho. Have we gone to Idaho? No, we've not.

It's a people town. I don't think so. Have you been to Idaho ever? I've never been to Idaho. We have. Kind of crazy. We went to Idaho Falls. Oh, Idaho Falls, yes.

Which was, you've been to Boise, but we went to Idaho Falls, which was, it's like a big Mormon, Mormon and sumo wrestling. If you can imagine those two things together. I'm in. And the explosion of the two of them is just tons of baked potatoes. Sure. Rexburg, Idaho. I love, and I, like we said, I always say I barely read these. I forgot how the first sentence starts.

Because they always give the location in a news story. We thought we were somewhere new. Rexburg, Idaho. A Florida man was arrested. No! On vacation? Stop! A Florida man was arrested on felony battery charges.

A felony battery charge. After he allegedly got into a fight with another man over shrimp. Okay. It's on. I like the Florida man can't just leave the work at home. He's got to take it with him on vacation. I can't turn it off. I can't turn it off.

Babe, have you seen my fighting socks? Have you seen my fighting socks? Where did you put them? I'm going to the shrimp capital of the United States, and I'm feeling upset. Yes. Here it goes. Take it. If you are fighting,

if you're having a shrimp argument in a landlocked state, you are from Florida. You just outed yourself. Couldn't have had that shrimp argument in Florida. I'm not going to one of these liberal coastal cities three hours away from me. No. Why would I? That's elitist. I'm going where I get shrimp.

Have you seen my fighting socks? Where did you put them? If I knew where I put them, why would I be... Oh, I'm going where I get shrimp. Have you seen my fighting socks? No. Where did you put them? If I knew where I put them, why would I be? Oh, I'm sorry. Was I the one wearing them last? No, you were the one wearing them. Are you wearing my socks right now? No, I'm not.

Because it feels like you want to fight with me. No, I'm not. You're fighting pretty good right now even without them. My favorite line on The Simpsons and almost on any Simpsons episode, they go out to the bar. Let's fight. Them's fighting words. Great line. Great joke.

Great line. Okay, here we go. So they got in a fight Over shrimp In Rexburg Idaho Yep Robert Craven Already

Would A scared man He wants something Yeah A scared man He's craving He's needing something Was staying at a Motel 6

So at least he's on brand Yeah Yeah Unless Motel 6 Wants to sponsor Dumb People Town We would love to have you We're in We're in Extend and stay Yep Robert Craven on brand. Unless Motel 6 wants to sponsor Dumb People Town, we would love to have you and promote how wonderful you are.

We're in. We're in. Leave the light on for you. Robert Craven was staying at a Motel 6 on 12th West in Rexburg, Idaho. Add that to the Dumb People Town walking tour with colleagues. Colleagues? There's no way this dude has colleagues.

From Florida? Yes. Work colleagues? I don't know. Maybe just the folks that are... If the whole message board meets up, is that colleagues? That is colleagues. We count as colleagues, right? Look, we both sell alligator claws together. You are my colleagues. I sell meth.

You buy it from me. Colleagues. We are colleagues. Technically, I'm a customer. No, we are colleagues. You are a retailer. I tell people we colleagues. But I'm not working smarter.

You are my watch. You bought that said stolen watch. You are my colleague. You are my client. No, at best, I'm an accessory after the fact. That watch is the accessory after the fact. You just bought it. That is true.

That's more true than this. This is how we are, collegial. It's very collegiate of us. No, that is, now you're confusing college. I'm just trying to buy this watch. You are my client. Can't talk to you, colleague. Let's go into the back.

I don't work here. There is no back. Of your van. Idaho's back. Robert Craven was staying at a Motel 6 on 12th Westburg in Idaho with colleagues when the altercation occurred November 25th around 10.30 p.m. A little post-Thanksgiving fun. That is the shrimping hour.

The 10 to 11. Like, if you're eating shrimp around 6, 7, 8 o'clock at night, you're not getting the freshest shrimp you can get. I'm going to show you guys a picture of Robert Craven. And if you want to watch it, come to the Facebook page. I bet it's exactly what I'm picturing. I guys a picture of Robert Craven and if you want to watch it come to the Facebook page I bet it's exactly what I'm picturing I want to say really quick it is

salt and pepper goatee ooh Randy's in the vein a mug shot from a different incident how many people in Dumb People Town are finding the vein camouflage hat but before I show it I do want to say I love our page How many people in Dumb People Town are good at finding the vein? Camouflage hat. Yes.

Okay. But before I show it, I do want to say I love our page. This part of what we're doing today and starting off this evening is so much new content we're going to give this year. Stay up to date on all that stuff, guys. And we read every single thing that you guys put through. We do. The good comments even and the negative comments mean something to us as well. So thank you for your input. It is a fun, fun place.

We have people who literally almost every location we have in these, somebody goes there. Somebody goes. And takes a picture. No. I'm going to show everybody Robert Craven. And I don't want to be mean to him. But I'm. You can't.

Here comes the meanest thing that could be said. I bet he looks like a Bob Craven. Everything. We should call him Bob. Bob Craven sounds like a lower, like Southern Illinois Toyota dealership.

Okay, Bob Craven. Bob Craven Toyota. Everything about. Head down to Miracle Mile. Check out Bob Craven. Everything about. We're not afraid to sell you a deal.

Everything. We're not afraid to sell you a deal? We're not afraid. Okay, good. Because they're not Craven. Just checking. Everything about him

when I show him to you, slopes. Yeah. It's all going down. Oh, wow. I was so close. Bob Craven is constantly wearing like a wife beater undershirt that doesn't fit. I think he has a wife beater on under that. You don't want to sweat through your good wife beater.

Can we call it under tank? I will just say that. Under shirt tank. By the way, this is in no way making fun of his weight. No, me neither. I'm just saying that he hasn't cleaned the folds of his neck in a long time. I have an English bulldog that I love very much, and you have to get in there with a wet wipe and clean the folds.

Doesn't he look kind of satisfied? Let's talk about his expression. Doesn't he look kind of like, yep, take it. Bob Craven could be, if you told me Bob Craven is Mexican, I'd be like, yep. If you told me he was Hawaiian, I'd be like, yep. If you told me he was Samoan, I'd be like, yep. If you told me he was an Eskimo, I'd be like, yep. If you told me he was in jail, I'd be like, yep.

Especially on that photo. Do you think, though though the picture to me we just talked about his expression the picture to me is he this is the one second he stopped saying

can I tell you how many shrimp the guy took I like that sir you have to stop so we can take that sir I will take it

sir I know you do hold the sign up it's not in the shot look hold the sign up in Florida we have as much shrimp as we want. I will talk, but can I tell you

how many shrimp this guy took? Can you get over here and tell him to stop just for a second? Tell him to stop if you can. Nice to meet you, sir. Can I tell you how many shrimp the guy took? I have a bet going in the other room. I need to know. Don't egg him on, Derek. We're in Idaho. There's not enough shrimp to go around.

Can I just tell you guys? He could have eaten all of the shrimp in a state. He could have cleaned. God damn it. We're in Idaho. There's not enough shrimp to go around. Can I just tell you guys? He could have eaten all of the shrimp in a state. Yeah, he really could have. He could have cleaned Idaho out of the shrimp. It's like that scene from Vacation.

He's like, how much you want for it? He's like, how much you got? Yep. You know, they make it so you can find your pockets.

Yes. They take that into account. The argument started over dinner. This is a quote. The argument started over dinner. The victim said, exactly, Craven got upset with him for taking too many shrimp.

I'm going to tell you one more time. Do not take any more. If you touch that shrimp, I'm going to be mad. And I hope the guy looked at him dead in the eye and just put his hand on all the shrimp. All of them. Without breaking eye contact. None at all. And you know that it was one of those black plastic containers

made for shrimp to hang around the edges. Oh, yeah, no. It's a shrimp cocktail. You know, these sneeze guards are just a suggestion. Yeah, that's right. Like speed limits. Get under it. This is Rexburg Police Department Captain Randy Lewis.

That's what he told the EastIdahoNews.com. It started over the guy taking too many shrimp. Quote, they went out into the parking lot and a fight progressed. Okay, so this is get your hand off the shrimp or we're taking this outside. Yeah, and then someone else said we're taking this outside. That's right. Right. We're taking it outside.

I understand that there's a victim, but just a heads up to people. I understand that you are sometimes being put upon and you do not want to be in this situation, but don't go outside. Don't ever. It's probably cold. Be like, no. Let's take this outside, to me, is a very courteous way to start a fight.

Because really. You're respectful of everybody around you. We don't want to ruin everyone's night in here. Look, we don't want to shut this golden corral down. That's right. I don't want to throw you into the chocolate waterfall. I'm imagining, by the way, that they're really,

those really tiny shrimp, little mini shrimps that go inside the taco shell salad. It's the baby shrimp. And he's taking like just his third one. There's less calories in this one. Denise told me there's less calories in this one. Well, Denise is wrong. You want to go outside?

You meet my colleague, Denise. You want to go outside? She's right over there. I was hoping you were going to say what Kyle said Golden Corral that you were going to be like, I'm imagining a shrimp cocktail fountain. Yes. Chocolate wonderful. No, a cocktail wonderful.

By the way, how soon until Oasis or what's left of Oasis? Here we go. How soon until they start doing the song? Wonderful. I'm trying to say ask our brothers. Wonderful. They're definitely going to be the new. Wonderful. I'm trying to say Ask for our brothers. Wonderful. They're definitely

going to be the new people singing the Golden Corral song. But don't go outside or do the And maybe. Remember the scene in Roadhouse

where he asks the guy you want to go outside to fight? He lets the guy go first. As soon as he walks out he just closes the door and locks it. That's a great scene.

That's the way to handle it. I don't want to really hit this guy where it hurts, which is his shrimp. You're locked out of your own shrimp? Craven is accused of pushing, hitting, and punching the victim several times. I know what a fight is. At one point,

the victim told police, quote, this was also a reason. So this is the victim now. He told police, quote, he saw Tweety birds. That's not real, right? That's not real right? That's a fight version describing a fight.

Oh yeah he hit me and the Tweety birds circled my head. I saw stars or Tweety birds. Yeah he said it happened after being hit in the head. Well done Kyle. Welcome to town. The victim who is also from Florida. So they took this fight on the road. They are colleagues. They own a landscaping business. Hey you want to fight here or do you want to wait until the business trip

this weekend? Let's go. There's a time zone I haven't fought in yet. Yeah, I'm kind of sick of fighting here. Should we fight inside? Should we do it inside?

No, when we get those, do it outside. But you don't want to do it inside. That's sightseeing from Florida. When we each sell one more Sea-Doo, we're going to get into a fight.

Off-season, it's November. Off-season Sea-Doo. I could sell one. I could sell a see-do in November Yep The victim needed some He had an injury to his head

He's gonna be okay though Rexburg police officer Is he though Dan? Is he? Is he? Relatively Yeah should I say He's gonna be back to what he was

He's gonna be back to eating shrimp in Idaho In no time You know Okay Yeah exactly You know Still making bad choices Craven was booked Into the Mattis County Jail

and is scheduled to appear in court on Monday afternoon. I wanted to say this before, and then we'll get to the final thing of this. I've only been in one fight. Talked about it on the Crab Feast with our friends. We did take it out to the parking lot. You did take it outside. Did you ask him to go outside?

I literally took that person out to the parking lot. Because you didn't want to fight inside. I just was like, you're done. It's time for you to leave the bar. So you were bouncing. Nope. No, you were a nice bouncer. Yeah.

The guy was trying to get in so many fights, and he was there with my family, and I just said. He was someone who your family knew. Yeah. He was dating my cousin. And I just watched. He was someone who your family knew. Yeah. He was dating my cousin. And I just watched him get in. He first tried to fight an ex-Marine. Then he tried to just fight a- So he may have saved his life.

Yeah, a random guy at the bar. Then he tried to fight a guy who had just gotten to the bar from his bowling league. And I'm like- This guy's got a bag with a ball in it. Everyone in a bowling league has settled down. And you do not want to rile them back up. Yeah, right? Right.

There's a demon inside that's getting taken out on 10 white pins. Yes, that's what I'm saying. They've found a way to drink and get to throw stuff at things on weeknights. Yes, on weeknights. So, like, don't get them back into their old life. Don't John Wick them. I want to join a bowling league so badly. Really? I want to start't John Wick them. I want to join a bowling league so badly. Really?

I want to start a bowling league and I want to join a bowling league more than anything in this world. You should do. Start like a comedy bowling league. I should. Where you do, when it's not your turn, you do like five minutes. You got to be great. You got to entertain everybody else at a bowling alley. Because crashing pins behind you is all you want.

That's right. I've always thought comedy shows didn't have enough scheduled scored distractions. Comedy shows at not at comedy clubs. But yeah, so I took the fight outside. My man. Okay, here we go. You can listen to that whole thing over in the Crab Feast. I'm going to ask you guys this.

How old is Bob Craven? Too much fun leaves marks in life. Living hard, you'll pay the price Who is gonna get it right? Guess the age, guess the age Oh my God. Now you saw the photo. And I feel like I have now less information.

Now that you offered this question, I'm not sure I saw the photo. No, you saw the photo. But I don't know if I did. The photo tells you and everybody goes... I'm going to say however old he. No, you saw the photo. And you showed it to me, but I don't know if I did. The photo tells you, and everybody goes... I'm going to say, however old he is, his arteries are 20 years old. So let's run it down a little bit. You know he has colleagues. You know he traveled from Florida to go...

To Idaho. To Idaho. You know he rocks a wife beater. Does Brexburg, Idaho feel like a trade show town? I got a weird hunch he's 31. I was going to ask you, because you get to go first, or tech second,

which is Tig Notaro's spot, or third. You're going to go first with? You say 31. You felt 31. 31 years old from Kyle. I'm going to say he's 28. 28 from Jason Sklob.

I mean, he definitely is a, I think we're all on the same page. He's a young guy who looks older than he is. Like, has lived harder than he, you don't fight about shrimp and look good. Unless you got a lot of stuff pissing you off that you're literally bringing to the table. And then trying to take away from someone at that table.

He's tired. He's tired. He looks like he just got thrown out of a sublime. I don't know how y'all do things here in Idaho, but can I tell you how much shrimp that got to him? No, you cannot. Take his picture, Ken. I would say he is 25 years old.

I'm going lower than everybody's. Okay. All right. So Randy, 25. Jay, 28. Jay, 28. Kyle, 31. Kyle, 31.

The person who gets the point. Well, Wade, think of everybody at home. Shout it at your radio. Shout it at your ham radio. Shout it at your ham radio. Thanks for joining us here on The Dial. Thanks for coming to The home. Shout it at your radio. Shout it at your ham radio. Shout it at your ham radio. Thanks for joining us here on The Dial. Thanks for coming to The Dial. Don't adjust your dial.

Shout it at your police scanner, your fuzz buster. Right. 100% this man has a police scanner, by the way. Oh, this guy's got two fuzz busters. You know what? I'd say this. If you're sitting in a cubicle with your headphones on, yell the number out for no reason.

And just see what people say. Here we go. Just see what people say. Bob Craven is 41 years old. Whoa! He looks good. Looking good compared to us assuming he looks bad. He looks better than how-

That changes everything. He looks way better than how bad we thought he looked. I like how Randy's reaction made me feel like he's like, well, if he's 41, maybe he does have things to fight over. The reaction I just had was like when you see Sting's wife. You're like, oh. You know, the very common thing everyone can relate to, seeing Sting's wife unexpectedly.

Not seeing Sting. Not seeing Sting. Now when you're listening on your head radios, be like, oh, yeah, Sting's wife. I have no clue what the professional wrestler Sting's Now when you're listening on your head radios, be like, oh yeah, Sting's wife. I have no clue what the professional wrestler Sting's wife even has. It's like seeing Sting's wife or seeing a famous person's brother.

Documentary, you're like, oh shit, that guy looks... That's what he would have been like if he didn't take care of himself. He does look if I drew that out of his eye. One of you moved to LA, the other one just went to the drive-thru. The other one went to Rexburg, Idaho and started fighting about shrimp. See, I see this, and this is what I'll say.

Give the guy his shrimp. He's only got three more years to live. 41 tells me a totally different story. He didn't want to live past 45 anyways. Let me say this, and I will end on this axiom, which I think we all agree with. Give a man shrimp he eats for a meal. Have him fight for it

in the parking lot. He eats for a lifetime. That's at least what his tattoo says. That's right. It's all on the lower part of his back. Kyle Ayers, dude,

thank you so much. People can follow. You have a podcast, do you not? I do. It's called Never Seen It. Yeah, which is a great idea too. And comedians and people,

they rewrite famous movies and TV shows they've never seen. Do you have any live ones coming up? And we have a live one on January 25th. I love it. If you're in Los Angeles at the Comedy Central stage. It's free. You can RSVP and just get tickets online. Sweet.

Never Seen It. Never Seen It. I really want to do that because there are, as fathers of kids, we miss huge chunks of movies that I know were like major parts. Like have you guys seen John Wick? No. But you have an idea of what you think it's about.

Yeah. But you used it as a verb. You haven't even seen the movie. You haven't John Wicked someone. John Wicked. It's like Inception, right? In some sort of a weird way. That's perfect.

It's exactly like Inception. It's like the Wicker Man. It's like the Wicker Man. Yeah, less bees, but you know. Yeah. Same page. January 25th. And people can get that podcast

on iTunes or for free. And that's how you do that. And then on Twitter? Kyle Ayers. Dude, good luck to you. Thank you for helping us launch this boat out into the river that is. We can't wait to do these little mini-episodes and all the fun stuff we're going to do this year. Come to a live Dumb People Town Hall.

Hang out with us. Come see us this weekend uh on sunday in uh in san francisco 1 p.m cops comedy club we'll see you there guys oh shit we gotta get to work stick around make a sound come here down it's dumb people town