Dumb People Town - Kyle Ayers - Little Shop of Whores

Episode Date: October 2, 2020

This week Kyle Ayers comes to town to hang with Daniel, Jason and Randy to hear about a woman who gets VERY comfortable inside a sex shop.

Skypains Avenue Hey, townies. Welcome to a Friday episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population airs. Kyle airs we did it well we did it welcome to the show to airs is human yeah welcome back oh i've got a i've got an aunt who told me if i ever had a first dude one open mic in my whole life and she's like once you have an album you have to call it a comedy of airs and And I didn't. By the way, great advice. Turns out my aunt is Sandra Bernhard.

I don't know if anyone else has feedback for a pun based on one practice session of their potential career, but there we were. Hey, man, she was ahead of her time. Let's just say that right now. And your aunt was Don Rickles. Also, she believed in you enough to know you were going to have an album. That rickles also she believed in you enough to know you were

gonna have an album that's right she certainly believed in that pun enough to pretend there was a future hey man if she only knew if she could only see where you are now make the pun for the future you want to have right thanks oh that's a good tattoo that's a good good tattoo uh well dude we're just so happy to have you on. You are, for fans who are listening, who may not go all the way back to the beginning, you were our very first, we call them Friday episodes now, but we used to call them mini episodes,

guest on our first Friday episode of Dumb People Town, and you crushed it. People loved it. They asked for you more and more and more, and I think we had you another time, correct? Maybe. You are one of our fan favorites. Thank you so much.

Speaking of albums, you have one coming out, which obviously we'll get to. We'll talk about it later. But what's the date? October 16. Great. Okay. Good, good, good. This is going to be right around the corner.

We're going to put it in. But in the meantime, we get stories sent to us, Kyle. I don't know if you know this or not, but that are so dumb that we need to break them down, the four of us. We've never heard them. You've never heard them. Dan's barely heard it. Let's jump into one. Are you ready? Yes. Sent in by, bless you, my friend. Sent in by Carleen

McDermott at SheBeCarleen. I love this gal. The Toys R Us of fans. I said it should be a Disney show following That's So Raven. I agree with you. Sandwiched in between That's So Raven, iCarly,

and She Be Carleen, then That's So Raven, then a double shot of Fluffy McDuffie. I think you can just round it out with, wait, is that Shia LaBeouf? Yeah. We're just going to round out the Disney Channel evening. Shia Laia laboff uh all right here we go ready yep a florida woman there we go it's gonna be somebody's birthday sometime when we play this game this story might come back up

then yes ma'am a florida woman who stripped naked yeah and started trying out and that's in quotes which i don't know why because she definitely did trying out a sex toy in a fort pierce sex shop nope was arrested and charged with larceny and a decent exposure according to police how do we know that wasn't an in-store performance right also you've you've performed at laundromats oh i mean i've done shows for worse audiences and i've probably performed like worse have any of you guys done the Porn Shop show here? Yeah. The Treasure Chest?

Pleasure. Pleasure. Pleasure Chest. Yeah, but it is a treasure chest. It is a treasure trove. Yeah. TJ Miller ran the show when we did it. For a long time.

It was still going up until the pandemic. There was nothing like watching Brody Stevens do that show. Really? May he rest in peace. Oh, my. The ultimate positivity in the ultimate acceptance room. You got it. Brody calling out people who very clearly did not want to be identified in that place.

You, sir, by the butt plugs. Yes. Sir, with the trench coat pulled up like an old movie. Do you want to talk to public? You got it. Yes. Welcome to the store. Let's go around.

What's everyone's first and last names and marital status? Let's call your wife. You got it. Extra loser. I'm going to guess your social security number. And I bet I get four numbers right. Yes. What high school did you go to? North

Hollywood? The Villager. Give them an extra pile of lube. I've used a magic wand. I've taken anal beads out of myself. You got it. Those anal beads are rosaries. Okay, here we go. Photo of a woman went in.

Try it out. Also, trying it out. Trying it out is... A lot of sex toys, they do have demo things like sitting out on the shelf or some of even say feel me now. They don't say how a tester

yes, if you I mean, I'm sure they have a strict return policy. That's right. As far as business all do I yeah, I don't think they're you're just taking it to a UPS store and they're boxing it up and sending it back for you. No, not at all. So she decides to try out a sex or in a Fort Pierce sex shop

staff called police after the customer took off most of her clothes, leaving her dressed in just a purple shirt. She is Donald Duck in it. She is like a sports team mascot. Purple shirt is definitely like

a Minnesota Viking shirt. It's just faded, so you can barely see any of the logo left on there. She's like Donald Sutherland in Animal House. And he reaches up for the crackers. Where are the bowls? And his cute little butt. There's something cute about a person in...

The only thing they're wearing is a t-shirt. Yeah. I mean, until they start attacking you or trying out sex toys in the store. Yeah, I mean, you say there's something cute about it, but it's evidence at some point in the story. Yeah, that's true as well. So is all the clothes on the ground. Yeah.

Yeah. An employee said the woman went to remove a sex toy from its packaging and took off her shirt, leaving her fully nude. So she wanted to get very comfortable for whatever. Look, I got a I got to get in the mood here, right? Got a test drive tester what toy is so undiscreet that you need to be fully nude to use it i there's also the full body tickler what we were talking about we were talking about brody you know calling out people walking into the store

who did not want to be identified as being there imagine the like conservative and i don't mean politically i mean in their life life, couple who's like, let's just be a little weird. We'll go to a set. Look, they've told me. It's not going to be when we go in. They don't care. It's like any other store.

This is like blockbuster. Honey, they leave you alone in here. This is a year they've been chiseling away to get them to finally join. You know what? We'll go on our anniversary. We'll go on our anniversary. It'll be wild.

Maybe we'll get drunk in Cancun and tell our bungalow neighbors. We'll get flavored lube. And the husband does not want to do it at all and the wife is the one who keeps hammering away. Honey, just come. It's going to be fun. I saw a TikTok where it's like funny stuff. It's like

old bachelorette things and stuff. There's no shame in it anymore. There's definitely not going to be exactly what you're worried about happening happening the moment we walk in. Look what the cat drag did. They walk into just this raging woman taking off her purple shirt unpackaging set into like holy

shit. These he's hanging like Richard Simmons. Yes, yes, God, God staff also later told police, and I hope that means later, like two days later, like guess what I just remembered?

Hey, that the woman had tried on a piece of clothing, but the exact nature of the item has not been reported. Just say lace. It's like what? Or a leather, a leather corset. Yeah,

there's late. What is this conservative writer who's trying to leave these details? I know. Hey, sometimes it's the things we don't not allowed to see this story is going to be used to

suppress the voting of former felons in the state of Florida. You know it will, but I can tell you this. The total value of

the goods allegedly stolen by the woman was totaled. We'll find out right after we take this. Okay, we're going to talk about Kyle. There's every single

thing that he has going on and how great he is. Also, we won't mention how great we are to. We'll find out right after we take this. Okay. We'll be right back. We're going to talk about Kyle Ayers, every single thing that he has going on and how great he is. Also, we won't mention how great we are, too. We'll be right back after this. Stick around. Make us down for more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to the show. We got Kyle Ayers with us.

He's got a new album coming out on october 16th am i correct to say that yes that is correct tell him what it is tell him how to get it tell him where you recorded it i want to hear about this yeah it is called happiness so october 16th you can buy happiness is it a long walk for one pun find out more before this yes it is comedy of heirs. I recorded it. It's with the label Blonde Medicine, which is a wonderful indie comedy label. Yeah, that's who did mine.

Yeah. Yeah, they're great. I recorded it actually outside before everything was outside. I recorded it pre-pandemic last December in Echo Park in Los Angeles. I saw it coming. Who would have thought

that post-production would take stories and show good heroin? Did it rain? It did not rain. It was supposed to rain all day. I remember. It stopped raining right before the recording. It's fun.

It has all the stuff that you would expect from a crowded, if you remember crowds, it's a throwback. Someone skateboarded through my album recording oh my god there is a literal cricket that lands and you hear almost what would be like a comedy of air and i don't even want to say it but i got a you can pre-order a vinyl if you pre-order the vinyl it actually comes with a 12 page color lyrics insert if you remember lyrics inserts of course every word i say on the entire album that is so genius hilarious so this is definitely a funny idea unless you ask the person who transcribed

it who thought it was tiresome laborious and maybe not worth it was that your aunt is that your aunt was it you you should have made her no it was not me so shout out blonde medicine and whoever had to type out i'm not a succinct comic no but you are you are a you wait he had to type out i'm not a succinct comic no but you are you are a you had to type out the words i'm not a succinct comic probably i wouldn't even type that out let me ask you this does it say skateboard noise in uh yeah everything every uh and uh it's like cricket noise cricket is there the noise is ambulance parenthetical cricket dude this is what a great idea also that'd be a great name yeah so you can listen to it wherever parenthetical cricket parenthetical cricket i like parenthetical cricket sounds like andrew bird's like group effort this is his side pro andrew bird's side

project is he got together with one of the guys from animal collective and now we have parenthetical cricket it's all just plucking his violin um and yeah so wherever you get albums you can listen you know spotify uh itunes apple whatever apple music is calling itself all that stuff like jay said we've had you on before and one of the ideas that you've that you've done that was to us just so brilliant as roast comedy kind of got huge and we were a part of that scene as well you developed a show called the boast rattle which was just positive you had to you had to in the way in place of roasting cadence and the cadence and in place of roasting people you had to come up with the greatest most creative compliment for people

which took the same amount of energy and effort as a burn i think it definitely takes the same amount of effort what you have less know-how of knowing if it's going to work beforehand if that makes sense because there's not this repertoire of 75 years of understanding I battled Dave Holmes and it was hard

it's hard but it was a brilliant concept carried out beautifully we judged it and just had such a good time we actually were supposed to boast rattle the Lucas brothers up in Montreal. And we wrote some great ones for that. And it didn't work. But it was like, it didn't happen. But it was really, it's a great idea.

But to me, it's indicative of the type of comedy that you do. So I'm so excited for this album to come out. It's like a breath of fresh airs. Hey-o! Who is he, your aunt? I'm so excited for this album to come out. It's like a breath of fresh airs. Hail! Who is he, your aunt? That's also a good album name, Who is he, your aunt? That sounds like Bob Newhart's third album would all be hinging on that one punchline.

And the picture is just him pointing to the left, looking straight. Right, with a purple splash of that text over it. Look at that suit. Who is he, your aunt? Parenthetical cricket. It's like Bob Newhart got banned from saying that

on The Tonight Show at some point because he was too risky. Who is he, your aunt? Who is he, your aunt? It's like just an unbelievable album about cross-dressing. Yeah, and transitioning.

Right. I love it. So you can get it and get it anywhere. And get the vinyl. What a great idea to get the comedy vinyl. What an great idea to get the comedy on vinyl. What an easy thing to remember.

Happiness. You can buy happiness. Buy happiness on October 16th. Anywhere where you can get tracks and stuff. But do that. That would be fantastic. All right, Dan. Let's finish this story.

So when we left at the break. Well, before we do that, I want to remind everybody that we are over halfway sold out to our own live Dumb People Town, which is on November 7th. So I would love to say after the election, but it might still be in the process. It'll probably be. But the one thing you can do because you're going to need a break,

you're going to need a laugh, or maybe it will be wrapped up, hopefully in our favor or my favor. I should say I'll speak for myself. Yeah, but we're on your side, but it'll be a good reason to celebrate. John Hamm is the guest. The musical guest is the band tennis.

We're doing it over. We're comedy club.com. Are you a. The musical guest is the band Tennis. We're doing it over at nowherecomedyclub.com. Are you a fan? You like tennis. I love tennis. Look at me and you know I do. I know.

You're tennis's main demo. So are we. I love those guys so much and it is just so much fun. We did it at the Nowhere Comedy Club studio last time and it was so much fun.

And it was like the first one they did so they're only perfecting it as we go on so think of how good it's going to be on november 7th uh mike burbiglia and mike dodie were so great thanks to everyone here who showed up to those in the pre show post show by the way the vip tickets for this thing as we're recording this right now are almost sold out well they're like 13 tickets away the great thing is is like those pre-show and post show hangs are like their own little mini shows themselves. There's so much fun, and I hope everybody joins in

because they're going to sell out. It is. Those are such limited seating for those. So make sure you get those. Treat yourself. Treat your couple. You go to eventbrite.com. Look up live down people.

Or just go to danielvankirk.com. And the last thing I want to tell you, I do do game nights. There's bingo, and bingo is happening. You jumped in, man. Dude, I had the most fun at bingo Friday October 30th. It's a Halloween costume party

bingo extravaganza Halloween go Halloween I might steal that. That's great. Are you kidding? You'll get the invoice. Yeah, I'll take it. I will pay for that. You're going to get eight pounds of candy corn coming your way. Randyandy jumping the last

one i'm that you guys crush halloween in your house so much if for any reason you are also dressing up that friday night for maybe some sort of sklar family party or maybe we'll just try on our costumes oh that would be wonderful i may jump on this thing because it is it is so much goddamn fun dan and i were doing comedy just about bingo numbers. I know I 24 you 24. So that's on the 30th and then a week later. It's dumb people time. Plus I do camp nights and I do standard game nights with Jack box.

So go to Daniel van Kirk calm. You get tickets for everything, but especially the live dumb people town. Let's jump into this. When we left, we were asking you how much goods, which I don't know. As far as we know, all she's taken so far. She's tried a sex toy, but maybe you use it.

You buy it. I'm going to say goods and services. Isn't that probably policy in a sex store? You use maybe beds and services. I've used a ball gag. That's the best gag I did all night. You got it. You got it.

I'll do jokes to people who are blindfolded. Okay, so if you murmur, I count that as a laugh. I'll take a whip out on stage. My album is fifty shades of slay. Okay, so so we know and then she stole some undescribed clothing item. How much do you think the value of the goods stolen? I'm going to try and be as fair as possible. I feel like they're only talking about the clothing item. Okay, I don't know that she stole anything else. How what do you think I'm going to say?

Still, I'm going to say I'm going to go prices, right? Three ninety nine. Oh, there are no prices, right? It's closest no matter what. So don't know, but just instead of saying four hundred instead of saying I got you three hundred ninety nine dollars and ninety nine. Okay, ninety nine ninety nine. Jay, what do you think? Forty nine ninety nine. Okay, I'm going to399.99. $399.99. Jay, what do you think?

$4999. Okay, I'm going to go with it and go $65.99. $65.99. I love that you guys did sense because usually they tell us about they did give sense for this one. See, Kyle Ayers, man.

Kyle Ayers. That does make sense. That does make sense. It was the total value of the goods allegedly stolen by this woman was, and we're not even, we still got more to go in this story. I love it.

How great would it be if Common's aunt told him, when you're a famous rapper, you should do an album called Common Sense? At Common's aunt? Okay. How great would it have been if Common's aunt said to Common, when you become a famous rapper and you do an album, you should call it Comedy of Heirs. Comedy of A-Y-R-E-S.

And he's like, who's that? She's like, Kyle Ayers. He's going to be a great comedian. He's that guy you played that cash cab. He's going to be a great comedian. Not a lot of people know this, but actually Brian Johnson, ACDC's lead singer, when he was growing up, his aunt said, someday you're going to make an album. Technology is going to evolve. You're going to have to call it an ACDCD

and it can come out. He was seven and she knew it. She stated where the puck was going. That was good. That was good. The total cost was... I googled ACDC's singer's name. Was $45 and 98.

Oh my God. You said 49 99. Oh my God. It gets better, though. When officers arrived, a store employee directed them to the stock room. Just make sure someone going. She's back there. She's there.

I am not going back there. You're here now to the stocker where the woman had made herself comfortable in an office chair and was entertaining herself. Why are you being so vague, Florida? She was naked on the floor. And so actually, she made herself a little less comfortable by sitting down. It depends how ergonomic was that office chair. The police report states that she had in her hand a pink colored penis shaped sex toy a dildo was using in a masturbatory manner i was probably a tracy's dog in a you don't know what these things are called

in a mass but masturbatory manner yeah which also sounds like guys this isn't a car chase where they play boy writing a playboy tv scripted show masturbatory manner yeah i love that i'll see you at masturbatory man for anybody who's freaking out about what i said tracy's dog is the name of an extremely popular and very effective sex toy for women there you go look up the amazon reviews it became a meme in of itself and it is hilarious tracy's dog i can only i can only hear the name tracy's dog to the tune of stacy's mom that's dog has got it going on. That's probably their ad.

It could even be has got her getting off. Tracy's dog has got her getting off. I feel like they might have changed the name recently to Moon Pace because Tracy's dog is the worst name for any sex toy. Tracy's dog, her bite is worse than her bark. Tracy's dog, every year is worse than her bark. Tracy's dog. Every year will feel like it lasted seven.

Tracy's dog. Time to put her down. That's great, though. Ask our brothers. Thumbs up. I'm going to put her down. The police report states. Can I just say, is there anything more fun than riffing with Kyle?

There is not. So she was using it in a masturbatory manner. The police report states... Can I just say, is there anything more fun than riffing with Kyle Ayers? No! There is not. So she was using it in a masturbatory manner. M-A-N-O-R. As the officer entered the room, this is what I love, the woman stood up and the sex toy fell to the floor. No. We all know the logistics of that.

I want her to have stood up and then a second later, she released it. She released it. It then fell out. Right. Also, they never gave us a name. I've been calling her in my head. I feel like I should share this with the universe.

I've been calling her Mandy. The whole time in my head, her name is Mandy. Mandy Cockrell. Yes. With a Y, not an I. But she still dots it. She still puts the heart over the Y. Yes, 100%.

She just connects. No, puts the heart over the Y. Yes, 100%. She just connects the Y things. To the thought and the sound of a dildo hitting carpet. Yeah. Two hearts and it's two hearts

beat off as one. For return. And you know Manny. Sex toy. Never used. Manny stands up. It slides slides out hits the ground and then she what yeah excuse me okay you ruined it um i mean never has that police officer felt less attractive doesn't anyone knock anymore the woman declined to respond to police questioning very smart move on her part but also she's so pissed off. I'm not talking to any of you. That's right. The officer took the woman from nearby Port Salerno into custody, and

she has since been jailed on a misdemeanor charges of larceny and indecent exposure. Here's the good news. If they ran out of handcuffs, they're at a sex store. Exactly. Grab one off the wall. I will ask you guys this before we close out our mini story here

with Kyle. So full size story. Yeah, so fun. How old is Mandy? How old do you think the woman running around Donald ducking it shirts off puts on some sort of lingerie 55 55. Wow. Rubs it out in the break room. Let's it drop to the floor after coming out of the crevice.

She dropped it like it was hot. I'm going to say she's 46 46 years old from Randy's Clark. Jason dropped it like it was lukewarm. She's 31 31 years old. Okay, Mandy the crazy. We don't

know that her name is Mandy. No, I know. Okay, let's just also put that out there. It's probably one definitive take we've had out of this is deciding her name. Dan just said it so confidently. I felt like we had also put that out there. The one definitive take we've had out of this is deciding her name. Dan just said it so confidently. I felt like we had to put it out there that we don't know. You forgot. You're like Mandy.

Mandy. Yeah, that's her name is Mandy. The funnest little person at the sex shop. Better believe it is 36 years old. Oh, what'd you Oh, you said 46. You said 31. It's J. Five for Kyle.

Airs. Can I give a title for this entire article? Yes, little shop of with the W horrors. There you go. It'll stop in a sex positive way, like as long as yeah, definitely.

Yeah, of course, little shop of horrors. All right. That is our comedy of errors. That's our time. There we go. That is a patron person. You're going to. That is our time with Kyle Ayers. There we go. If you're a Patreon person,

you're going to get a little bit of extra. You'll see that in the Patreon feed. But as far as this goes, please get his album on October 16th. Buy happiness on that and get your tickets for the live. Don't be a little town. You can find happiness in a comedy album.

You can. And you can find it on November 7th with Jon Hammond. And if you want to hear a very special dumb story that Kyle Ayers has brought to us, you got to join our Patreon. That's it.

Join the Patreon. We're going to be explaining what the levels are for this new world. It is so worth it. It is so worth it. You will want to hear this. For right now, oh shit,

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