Dumb People Town - Kyle Dunnigan - Moose Knuckle Carson

Episode Date: June 29, 2021

Skypains, I am. Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population, you. Population, done again. Kyle Moose Knuckle done again. How are you? Moose Knuckles abound. Moose Knuckles abound.

Moose Knuckles abound. It is so fun to have you on and just gag around. One of our favorite people to just get around him, and we just get silly, Dan. Does your audience know about Moose Knuckles? Do you guys talk about it? I mean, we can do it right now. We can talk about it right now. Moose Knuckle was to us a phrase that we bandied about with you, but only as Johnny Carson.

Coming up, we've got seven Moose Knuckles on the show. Top ten Moose Knuckles on the board. It's a game show. This is one of those things where we laughed so hard we were crying, but when we explained it to people, we could never make it in time. It's a game show. It's one of those things where we laughed so hard we were crying but when we explained it to people we could never make it as funny.

It was a bar in Austin. It was festival van humor. And then it's we can't get out of it. We can't get out of

the moose knuckle cycle that we're cycling. How many moose knuckles did it take to fill a moose knuckle? Your answer?

Four moose knuckles. It was like a family feud. It was like a family feud. But Carson was hosting. Carson was hosting and taking over for Steve Harvey or Dick Dawson. At any rate, it was dumb. We were dumb. We get really dumb and silly when we're with you.

And that's kind of perfect for this show, right, Dan? Heck yeah. We've got to get dumb in this world a little bit. I'm excited. Sometimes it's I say that we. What episode is this? This is episode 8000. How many have we done? I can't even imagine. What is this? Do we know? I don't even know. I have no idea. It's probably like 700. We're way up there.

But I'll. Should I get a podcast? Is it too late? It's not too late. No. I think you're gonna be an early adapter if you get one. Not a lot of people. We'll do it. Not a lot of people have them. If you have a thing you want to do, I'd do it. Just turn on the mics and start talking. I don't feel like I...

Well, here's the thing. It's like you do something and then people go, you do that, do this other thing that makes money. But that's not what I do. I know it seems like I do that. What you do on Instagram is so GD funny. We'll get

into all that. We'll get into it later. Kyle, we're wasting valuable dumb time here. We've got a good story sent to us and sent to Dan. You've got to tweet at Daniel Van Kirk and do hashtag dumb people down. He knows exactly who sent it and when. Let's get into a story. This was sent in by Linda Hartman

at LKHTMN Linda Hartman Here's the headline Paramedics free man Stuck in pool That's not That's either a very big man or a very small pool We're going to need a bigger pool

Isn't that from Jaws? We're going to need a bigger pool Police and paramedics I'm going with vent Stuck in the vent I'm gonna say stepped into the No Jay what is the thing that you Little suction filter thing

It is the filter but you step into the thing That's what I meant Is that what I said I'm gonna say penis in the light socket Penis in the light socket Two bits. Police and paramedics made an early morning call to a motel to free a man whose penis was caught in a swimming pool suction fitting. Okay, I was close.

Jay was close. I was freaking close. Jay said penis in the light socket, Jay. There's no electricity involved. We put ours together. At what point, you know that moment when you realize, oh, my God, I can't get my penis out of here? We've all been there. When you know.

Because there was a minute before he put it in where he was probably like, do I do this? Do I do this? Again. What's the worst that could happen? Again. Again. No one's around. Right.

I can't imagine you think that's going to work. No. If he's circumcised's there's not to get too graphic graphic jason it's gonna go in in a triangle but then there's a gonna come out in a parallel yeah there's a lot there's a thing that you gotta you gotta get it it's like wait a minute a mushroom top the thing that sucks is down on the bottom of the thing. The sides push out. Here's what it is, Dan. I've got it in my brain.

There are jets. I've done this. I've tested the theory. There's a jet, like little jet holes on the side of the pool. He's not underwater. You check it for consent. You ask if it's okay. Are you okay with me doing this?

It's got to be into it big time. you can only do it at a comedy festival you stick it in and then you hold it in and you see what happens and i'm i don't know wait a minute you push past the jet push yeah so maybe there isn't a jet push but it's just sucking it out the giant sucking sound okay fine a clerk i just felt go ahead ahead. I just... I'm sorry. I just feel like the suction thing is not up high because that's dangerous. But I think it has to be. Why do you keep it by your toe? In this case, it has to be.

He can't be underwater. He can't, like, be on the ground. No, he's not underwater. You're dead. Okay. The top sucks. Okay. You're dead.

Okay, people. The top can suck your cock. Okay. A clerk at the Scottish Inn top can suck your cock. Okay. A clerk at the Scottish Inn Motel, which is... Okay. By the way, we're nowhere near Scotland. Am I right? No.

That's like when someone says... This is in Tampa Bay. Tampa Bay. Where do they live in Tampa Bay? In Canterbury Arms. Okay, you know, that's a terrible... Cracked out... Caspian Court.

I don't open up my hotel here. All right, go ahead. Sir? Sir? Sir? Sir, this is... Sir, the pool's closed, actually. Sir, the pool's closed. Wait, sir, put your trunks

back on, sir. Woo! It's pretty high for a second. He knows. A clerk at the Scottish Inn Motel, which I guarantee every cop knows the quickest route to.

I just feel like with that name and this sort of stuff happening, there's like a lot of bloodstains on the sheets. Got another one at the SI. Yeah, we got a problem at SH. It's probably called SH. No time. It's an SM. Scottish Inn Motel made a 911 call in the early hours of Friday saying that a man was trapped in the swimming pool. Isn't that our Kelly song? Yes.

As I approached the man, a police officer wrote in his report, I could see his pants were down to his knees and his penis was stuck in a suction hole located on the north side wall of the swimming pool. Everybody knows you're always supposed to do that on the south side. First of all, if your penis is stuck,

pants are on your knees, at least bring them up as high as you can for dignity. The last bit of dignity you got. But the other thing is, so Dan, you're right, there is no water in this pool. It can't be, right? So it may be down by the bottom. No. I don't know.

So he walked down into the pool and said, let me see if this fits into this right wait a minute he went to go fuck a pool he didn't even go and swim in the pool and fall in love that's right that's worse if you're swimming in something that feels good i fucked a pool and fell in love yes i, I did. Wait, I think I get a piano in here. I might be a little late. Get it. No, get it.

I fucked a pool and fell in love. Yes, I did. Okay. Elvin Bishop. Is that Tim C. Joey Bishop. Elvin Bishop, but it was the lead singer from Starship. That guy who sang, Jay, you're playing a game.

Is he the same one that sings Miracles? No, that's Marty Bale and that's Jefferson Airplane. from Starship. That guy who sang, Jay, you're playing a game. Is he the same one that sings Miracles? No, that's Marty Bailin. That's Jefferson Airplane. No, it's Starship. No, it's Marty Bailin. I know it's Jefferson Starship. Marty Bailin,

but then they got the other guy, whatever. Okay. Anyway, what does this have to do with penises and suction things? I don't know, but as I approached the man,

the officer, I could see his pants were down his knees and he was stuck located on the north side pool. Good police work. If you are having sex with a pool, there's no way this is your first time, right? Dude, he's cheating on a jacuzzi across town.

He's cheating on a jacuzzi. Dude, he's cheating on a jacuzzi. Well, the pool was empty. Well, it's early morning hours is what they said. Early morning hours. So I imagine it's after hours. The water dips down. Yes. There's like a tide. Yeah. Low. So I imagine it's after hours. The water dips down. Yes.

There's like a tide. Yeah. Low tide. Low tide in the swimming pool. A police officer identified the man as Robert Scott Chevrant of Lakeland. Ah, Chevrant. Chevrant. C-H-E-U-V-R-O-N-T.

Chevrant is French for bad decision maker. For sure. The pool's pump was shut off before paramedics arrived. Yeah, but his wasn't. Wait, so there was water. But he got above. Help!

Yes, there was water. But I'm thinking it was somewhere around the shallow end of the pool, maybe waist high. They had some sort of a suction vent in the pool. If it was Jeffrey Epstein, it would have been a kid's pool.

Okay. The pump's pool. Okay. The pump's pool was shut off before paramedics arrived, but Robert Scott Chevron could still not free himself because his penis had become swollen in the small hole that serves as part of the pool's filtration system. This should have been the plot of Free Willy. Am I right or am I wrong? I can't get my penis out.

Chevron! Chevron! Chevron! I can't get my pen out. Shiver on. I love you, Shiver on. Where did you get this? Nothing bigger. But also, so essentially. It is me. Shiver on. He has.

That moment when you go. Go ahead. Hi, I need help. First of all, you're panicked. So, listen, Kyle. How long does he try to work himself out of before he's like, I got it. There's somebody out here. The stages are that.

You know the stages of grieving. Go through it. It's the same basically. First it's like. It's 127 hours. Then it's denial. Then it's. I bet I can get this out.

I bet I can get it out. It comes back. I guess every like third or fourth round. You cycle through it. Why did I fuck a pool is the next thing. Why would I fuck a pool? What is this really about? What am I actually

like working through? What are we doing in life? And then denial. Severe depression. I've got to now yell out to some woman that I fucking ruled. And then submission.

Then there's finally acceptance. Acceptance. Right. Oh my God. But does he go full 127 where he's like, do I cut this off? How do I?

27 hours? But yeah, but the part where he starts he's like, do I cut this off? No. How do I? 27 hours. But yeah. But the part where he starts yelling for like, little help. Somebody. Stuck in the pool. A lot of help. A lot of help. Because essentially this is a tremendous amount of help.

This is how a conquering works for men is that it tightens around so that you stay erect. is that it tightens around so that you stay erect. And so once it got stuck in there and all the blood was trapped on the other side of wherever this enclosure was. He's thinking of Throw Mama from the train. Anything else? Poolophilia is a rare thing. I don't know how you get around.

Yeah, I don't know. Just by pool. Oh, were there other people there? Yeah, I think it was late. I think it was late. The pool's pump was shut off before paramedics arrived. He put it in a small hole that was part of the pool's filtration system. That's the actually most

embarrassing part. He could put his penis down. Yes. Please don't write that in there. Please don't put that in. Let's just say it was a hole. We don't have to talk about how big it is. Paramedics inserted a lubricant around the suction fitting. And that must have been fun. Hey, Dave, come on over here.

And after about how long were they able to free Robert Scott Chevron? Did they give him the lube? No. And say, hey, work that in? I don't think they can trust him to do anything. That's right. It says they. He's like, put it on my bare buttocks.

No, sir. You need to get out of the. They inserted a lubricant around the suction fitting. And after about how long? Yes. Damn, they did. Okay. Let's take.

Let's see. After how long. From the moment they get there to be like, all right, we're going to get you out there, little buddy. Till he gets out. I'm assuming it's a long time by how you're setting this up. You never know. I'm going to say three hours. right, we're going to get you out there, little buddy. Till he gets out. I'm assuming it's a long time by how you're setting this up. You never know. I'm going to say three hours. Jay, what do you say? 5 a.m. It happened, Jay. What do you think? 45 minutes.

I think two and a half hours. Okay. Paramedics inserted a lubricant around the suction fitting and after about 40 minutes, they were able to free Robert Scott Chevron. Robert Scott Chevron, who had rented a room at the motel, told police he had gone swimming around 1230 a.m.

Yep. And he was discovered after how much time? So now. Two and a half hours. Yeah, okay, we're going two and a half from Kyle. This is from the moment he was swimming at 1230 until he was discovered. Oh, discovered. Pool sexing.

Oh, so they started working on him at... That took 40 minutes. So they started working on him at 2 a.m. No, they haven't said... I thought you said 2 a.m. That was somebody's guess. Oh. Yeah.

So how long... Earlier, Kyle had that as a throwaway. Kyle said two and a half hours. He's been out there since 2 a.m. He said two and a half hours. So that'd be 3 a.m. He'd be out. I think it's four hours.

I think he was discovered an hour later. One of you is exactly right. For how long? Kyle Scott Chevron was outside pool sexing until someone saw his ass. Dude, pool sexing. So do you want to, Kyle? So we get to play who do you think is right.

Now, Kyle, did you? I know I'm right. I know I'm right. I know the pool. I know I know I'm right. Okay. I know I'm right. I know the pool. I know Jean-Claude Chabron. I know the whole situation. Jean-Claude Van Damme pool. I'm going to say Kyle's right.

I like his confidence. I think it's me. I think it's me. Okay. He was discovered after four hours. No! Yes. Why didn't I trust myself?

I've been close on two other ones in the store. You're like one hair off on this. He was treated at Lakeland Regional. So four hours he's out there humping. And then 40 minutes with the help of Lube from the paramedics. He was treated at Lakeland Regional Medical Center and released with bruised genitalia. That's a catch and release.

I saw them at Vans. Bruised genitalia. Coming up right after Limp Bizkit. That to me is Limp Bizkit. There also has to be a band. Talk about a Limp Bizkit. There has to be a band called Catch and Release, right? There has to be.

Talk about a limp biscuit. I spent 40 minutes trying to get this guy's pecker out of the pool, and I was saying, give me something to break. We're going to get out of story one with this question. How old do you think Robert Scott Chevron is? Chevron. Yeah, how old is he? Robert Scott Chevron.

Okay. He rents a room at the Scottish Inn Motel. Dan, I just want you to know that Catch and Release is a high-energy Celtic-influenced band. Celtic. Celtic, covering both traditional and modern Celtic. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage. Catch and Release. High-energy act of Catch and Release.

They have songs like, oh, Matt Simons has a song called Catch and release. They have songs like... Oh, Matt Simons has a song called Catch and Release. I went to the store and bought their CD, but then I just gave it back to the store. I had it for a few days, and then I gave it to the store. Sent it back to the store from whence it came. Okay. How old do you think Robert Scott Chevron is?

How old is he, Kyle? He rents a room at the Scottish... Robert Scott Chevron. I would say he's got to be rents a room at the Scottish. Robert Scott Chevron. I would say he's got to be under 40 because you've got to know what your penis can take by the time he's 40. I'm going to just. Yeah.

You'd think. Yeah. You would think. You would think. So this is a life lesson. Are you saying this? I feel it's really old, though, but are you saying, setting this up?

I'm going to just, because it can't be a normal age, right? By the way he's setting this up. It could be any age. You're not going to go 28. You never know. Although 28 feels like a 28-year-old's move.

Correct. I'm going to say he's like 70 years old. I think it's weird. I took the pill and then I had to use it. I'm not going to use it. I put my dick in a pool. I'm not going to waste it, Cheryl.

Geez. All right. I'm going to say 47. 47 from Jason Sklar. I think he's 36. 36 from Randy Sklar. Wow. Story number one. We'll get out of here on this.

Robert Scott Chevron the third is 33 years old. Oh! That's normal. I don't think any of this is normal. Yes, the age is normal. Well, it's not normal. It's a little old. No, but it's in the range of

dumpster. Now, how old? You can't go by Dan. It's all over the place. Dan doesn't give tells. Dan's good at masking. He gives no tells. I didn't know that.

All right, first one. We've never done a story about a guy trying to have sex with a pool. Now, let me ask you guys this before we go to break. What if he up and marries the pool? We've seen people marry chandeliers before. That would make it okay. Like when the teacher married the student and it worked out. It almost makes it.

The one time it worked out. What's the pool's name? Chlorine. Oh, there we go. Chlorine. I want to know what the sentence was when he finally saw somebody. It's been four hours. He's got to ask for help.

What do you say? Yeah. Right. Excuse me. Randy, what do you say? Excuse me. I'm just having a little trouble over here. Can you get somebody to, like a maintenance person?

I would put it on the situation. You're having problems with the pool. The pool's having a problem. It appears that I'm stuck. Yeah. It appears I'm stuck. I would say, can you call 911? I got stuck.

Yeah. Yeah. I got stuck. You won't believe the accident that happened. I don't want the management coming. Nope. Immediately call 911. Because you know there'll be like

the assistant manager comes out and then someone else comes out. What's going on here, Betty? And like eight people are like, no, his dick is stuck in the thing. Where is he? Does he need a towel? No, he doesn't need a towel.

He's staying in there until he gets it. Where is he? Who's stuck in the pool? He's right in front of you. You don't want someone coming up late in that conversation going, who's stuck in the pool? You don't want any of what we in that conversation going, who's stuck in the pool? He is.

You don't want any of what do we got here. You want everybody to know. What do we got? Every hotel I go to, they're like, oh, pool closes at 4 p.m. Right. This pool's open all night? Well, I don't know if it was open all night. Well, it was open for him.

I mean, if the cover's off it, it's open to him. Nothing was open, really. Chevron don't care. Guess what was closed? The suction jet. All right. there you go. There it is. First story down in the books.

When we come back, we're going to talk about what Kyle Dunnigan's got going on, how you can follow him, watch all the funny stuff that he does, and then more. And then later on the show, character madness. It's character madness, Dan. We're going to have it on this show. It's Dumb People Town. Don't go anywhere. Stick around.

Make it sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Stick around, make a sound There's more at Don't People Town Hey guys, welcome back to the show. We have Kyle Dunnigan with us. You look great. That's right. In the flesh.

In the flesh. You look great. You guys show the videos? Yeah, sometimes we do. Sometimes, yeah. Your hair looks fantastic. Your hair looks really good. Fantastic, because I look really good today. You know those days when you look good? Yeah, and you feel good. Your hair looks really good. Fantastic. Because I look really good today.

You know those days when you look good? Yeah, and you feel good. You know it. You look good. We'll see it. That's right. You want people to understand. How can people follow you?

Because, again, Kyle Dunnigan's Instagram will make you happy. I want to just say this. This is the highest compliment I can give Kyle Dunnigan. I have sent videos that Kyle has done to people to make them laugh and cheer them up and put them on like email chains. Like I'm a mom in Nebraska. Right. But I love that. That's my favorite thing.

The new age one of the guy who's recording kind of like the relaxation video, but his mom and it was really, was that really your mom? Wait, which video is this like the relaxation thing he's like just oh yeah no that's real audio of my mother yeah really and you use a real lot of your mother who basically is infiltrating a relaxation person and it had all the images of relaxation like a babbling brook and it's like relax and then i've done two of those they're so for some reason they don reason they don't get the numbers as the other stuff. No, but they're just brilliant.

Yeah. Well, I appreciate that. I mean, I really, I definitely don't do it for the money. No. No, you don't. Well, you say that, but also, like, people love it. In a perfect world, what is Kyle Dunnigan? Do you get the Kyle Dunnigan sketch show, character show?

Is that what you want to do? I'll tell you. Right now I'm making this, like, pilot. Yeah. Like a half hour. It's a fake sitcom. Great. It's called The Fresh Press of D.C.

It's about Biden. And I want to make this show. I don't know who would ever air it. So I'm not sure how to make money because it's so much work. If you make it 12 minutes, they'll put on Adult Swim. Yeah, I bet they will. Will they? Yeah.

It's incredibly disrespectful to everyone in it. I love that. And it's 100% right for Adult Swim. Fresh Prez of DC. I'm just worried there's like they cannot get ads for this show. That's what I feel like. Who needs ads?

Is Adult Swim even like, are these channels even? Yes, it's still a channel. I want to see it. And are you playing other characters? You play all the characters? I play everybody. I play AOC, I play Bill Maher, I play Ben Shapiro. That's great.

I actually do the voice, which I think I might have to change, of President Xi. I think I may not be allowed to. I don't think you're allowed. I didn't do a Chinese accent. You just did a regular voice. I just did like, I did the guy from Indiana Jones who's like, yes, Mr. Jones. Yes. That guy.

Yes. I don't think you can do that. I don't think you can do that. Now, why not? It's not a Chinese accent. Mr. Jones. Yes. That guy. Yes. I don't think you can do that. I don't think you can do that. What's now? Why not? It's not a Chinese accent. No, but I think it is a,

you're doing a version of a Chinese actor. I don't think you can do that. No, I'm doing a version of a Chinese dictator. Ah, true. But you can't, you can't,

I don't think you can. You might have to just do it as a New Yorker. Just do it As like against type Like go way against type Hey how you doing Hey Hey what's going on over here Hey

Doom is Stallone Hey where's the microphone Doom is Stallone Yo You know Just get those plants I stole your son's laptop

you know perfect Kyle it's perfect I guess I'll so I have to get here's the thing it's not like

I'm not giving an Asian actor a chance here no one's making money no no no and you're doing all the characters but that's what you should do

is get an Asian actor to do the lines and then dub you doing the that's the answer and you do Asian actor to do the lines and then dub you doing the TV. That's the answer. And you do get him to do it, but dub you doing Stallone. A-O.

And then we'll just dub over that. A-O-C. A-O-C. All right. So. Yo. We had Frank Stallone contacted me. Did he?

Did he really? Yeah. He is a weird dude there's supposed to be a documentary about him coming out he was going to do the show I just like at home with Sly Stallone show every now and then not that many people are watching if you get Frank Stallone that's crazy

but and then he was like, sent me his email to send him the link to do the show and then he disappeared. Couldn't find him. And then since then,

he's just been sending me, like he sent me a video of himself playing guitar. No way. Oh, great. Didn't respond to like anything else. Hey, old Kyle, this is me playing guitar.

Hey, it's me, Frank Stallone. I talk like my brother. I talk like my brother. I talk like my brother. Does he sound like his brother? Oh, he's probably like this. He's like... It's perfect. I'm Frank Stallone.

I don't even know what you're doing, but it makes me laugh. Hey, yo, I got a new haircut. You guys like this? Party on one side, business on the other side. Oh, Stallone. Stallone, you're too much. Stallone, you're too much. Hey, yo, let's do another story.

All right, Stallone, let's get into it. Small town chit-chat, let's go. Come on. Small town chit chat. Let's go. Come on. Sent in by Kyle Andrews, one of my favorite handles of all the people who sent us in. At Late Night Nachos.

The best. Thank you, buddy. Very bad for your digestion. Not good for your core. Thanks, bud. UK man completes mission to park in every spot at local supermarket. How is that a mission? You got to set goals that you can achieve. Hey, Sly, remember when you were in Cobra and you had that opening scene

with like the two, he shoots everybody up in the supermarket and then moves the toothpick to the other side of his mouth like he just graduated? Yeah, and I go to the guy, I say, he says he's going to shoot up the place and I go, I don't shop here. Then I blow his ass off. Remember that?

Then the following scene, I cut pizza with scissors. Fantastic movie and character. Where are my pizza cutting scissors? You can't stump me. I know my own movies. Come on. Wasn't that a Where are my pizza cutting scissors? You can't stump me. I know my own movies. Come on. More stories. Wasn't that a good old John Heffron joke that they had like the same scissors that they used to cut the shit off the back of their dog was what they used to cut the pizza.

I don't think I've ever used scissors. Absolutely disgusting. Absolutely. Sorry. But Sly wants to get on the stick. I mean, when Sly gets into stories, Dan, he just wants to get going. But here's what I'm saying. Let's do this.

Come on. Guy who had nachos late at night? What happened? No, no. He's saying the guy, a UK man, a British man. Completed his mission. Completed his mission of parking in every single space. At his local supermarket.

His local supermarket. So we all set insane goals. Kyle wants to have a TV show on the air. Who's Kyle? We're talking to Slice the Lung right now. Who's this? Who's Kyle? We're talking to Sly Stallone right now. Who's this? Who's Kyle? So, this is a goal

that this man set, and it was very reachable, and he got it. Yeah, it's like an attainable goal. Like, what are some of your goals, Sly? Your goals in life? Well, my goals now is to make sure my daughters don't do anything weird like them

pumpkins. Yeah. Poops on the chest. Yeah. Yeah. Those are my goals. Simple old man goals. Yeah.

I got you. That's fair. Look, you've seen them. You've seen my daughters, right? Yeah. I've never seen them. Apparently beautiful. Absolute trouble.

Yeah. It's really kinky shit. Hey, come on. So you have a lot in common with Wayne Gretzky. I mean, he can't, you know,

he's having a difficult time with Paulina Gretzky, you know. Never have children. Okay. That's a good point. Well, a man completed his own personal challenge to park in every car parking space at his local Sainsbury's.

I usually tend to, own personal challenge to park in every car parking space at his local Sainsbury's. I usually tend to park. I bet I park in the same five to six different spots every single time I go. I'm going to do every one. But yours is so busy. You take whatever's available. The pressure in a Trader Joe's Silver Lake parking lot. But he's like Gelson's across from a Trader Joe's is the one in his neighborhood. So both of them are just like a free-for-all.

Remember, we saw a guy giving another dude a suplex at that parking lot. That might have been over a parking spot. Parking space. Yeah. What is it? I mean, I guess people talk about this, but what is it about Trader Joe's that they have like eight spaces? They make the spaces.

I want to say this. They make the spaces three inches shorter. They always have a three inches tighter. Too small of a parking lot. Too narrow. Is that so they look like they're busy? I don't know. It seems aggressively. I've wondered this as well. It feels

deliberate. It does. I think they want you to feel like privileged that you made it into their lot. Thank God I made it in. Let me just buy my food and get out of here. Well, Gareth Wild from Bromley, Southeast London. Bromley. Said he decided to take

on the challenge after noticing his preference for certain spots. All this time, I've kept a spreadsheet listing every parking spot I've used at the local supermarket in a bid to park in the mall. Quick question. In a bid to never, ever have a partner in his life. That's what I said. What does his girlfriend think about? That's a good question. Does he have a woman he was talking about?

Does he have a woman who's dumped him over this? No, not yet. It's the parking spaces or me. This week, I completed my magnum opus. He is high on life. Relax, Faulkner. I'm going to ask you guys, how long do you think it took him to park in every spot

at his local grocery store? It should have taken him like three weeks. Twice a month or twice a week probably. Twice a week. And how many spots? you think it took him to park in every spot at his local grocery store? It should have taken him like three weeks. Twice a month. Or twice a week, probably. Twice a week. And how many spots? He's got to wait until the openers hang out and wait a half hour. I will tell you, there are 211 spots.

Oh, shit. That took him three years. Jay, what do you think? That took him three years. Man, I think it took longer than that. I think it took like six years. Okay. I think Magnum Opus, dude.

A year and a half. This guy's prone to hyperbole. Okay, so Randy says a year and a half. Cal says three. Jay says six years. One of you is exactly right. Wow, we've been so good today. We're really good on it.

Now we've got to play the game. Who do you think is exactly right? It's got to be Dunnigan, right? Right? I kind of think Dunnigan. Okay. Jason? I think it's me.

I think it's me. Okay. Jason's been pretty good. I've been pretty on it today. That was on the other story. That juju does it. Look, it stops when the pool thing stops sucking. When your penis comes out of the suction.

Pool sucking thing stops sucking and you move forward. The amount of time that it took him to park in all 211 spots at his local grocery store to complete his magnum opus was six years. Oh, Joe! God damn it, Jay. Jay's having a good day. I'm having a good day. It kind of feels like the old Panini sticker

albums. I don't know what that means. But a really boring version of it, the production director told the PA news agency. So a news outlet covered this. And it wasn't The Onion. That's what we're talking about. Oh, really?

There's only so many parking spaces. There's only so many parking spaces. Why not try to get them all? It's a collector's thing. Oh, really? Someone parked in all these spaces? What a great story. Is this the elite media, Bill Maher, that just basically taking a story and running with it?

What is it? There's no God. Okay. Well, no, we were talking about a guy. What if his God is like achievement? Right. But his God is like achieving goals. He made it.

Let me guess. This guy's a fat fuck. Probably. Maybe. But if you park far away from a thing, you still have to walk all the way in. Bill's right. I think he's right. He said there's only

so many parking spaces. Why try not to get them all? It's a collector's thing, I suppose. It's like NFTs. Wait till this guy finds out about Pokemon. Go get them all. What followed was a thorough mapping of 211 spots available to him on his weekly shop. With disability spaces and motorcycle bays excluded.

Wait, Dan, but how good must it have felt when he was getting lower and lower on the list to be able to cross off another space? I think Jason's on board. Bill, do you understand what I'm saying? I got in the space C12 today, honey. Yes. Your face is still Bill Barr. Your face is still Bill Barr. Okay, people.

Let's get to it. Any other losers we want to talk about? Okay, let's talk about this feels like parking lot bingo. Right. It's blacking out the bingo car, and you love it. Oh, wait till you see it. Guys, he made an entire map with disability and motorcycle basic excluded, dividing the spaces

into categories A through F. I'm going to show you guys his map. If he was committed, he would have given himself a disabled... He would have got crippled. He would have gotten... Here it is. Take a look at this. This is the map that he created. Oh, God. He got into it, guys. Look at this.

F, A, B, C. Color coded. But they're not all listing each of the spaces. No, he's got them all in there. And then he numbers them. 30, like 31 through 26, 27 through 52. That's just the Ds. What does he do? Is he like an accountant?

I feel like he is some sort of. Lonely accountant. CPA or something. Wild. Does he do what he does for a living? Yes. I think it did. Oh, he works at. Does he work at Sainsbury's? something. Wild. Did he do what he does for a living? Yes, I think it did. Does he work at Sainsbury's?

No. No, I can't remember. Maybe we didn't say yet. He's a local. Maybe we won't say. I don't know. He goes, what followed was his map. That's what I showed everybody.

He completed his challenge on the 24th of April by slotting his car into F20, which he described as a pig to get in. He added, I don't want to make out it was too big of a deal, but there was a moment of elation. People responded to his thread detailing the challenge with questions, including what the best space to park the car was. He says, it turns out there's a lot of questions about car parks. The best space is, I mean, comfortably, you've got to be looking at C1. C1 is gold dust.

C1 is gold dust. C1 is gold dust. So you're saying he slotted his vehicle into F7 and it was a pig to get in. Are we still talking about this story or is this the pool story? Yeah. Facts. Wow. The moment you come through the gates, it's the first thing you really sort of see as a space. All right.

I'm going to ask you guys, how old is Gareth Wilde? How old is he? What kind of man says, I'm going to take six years of my life. And by the way, he's doing this at random. He's like, okay, here's another one that I, like he just drives up and just. But you imagine at a certain point,

he's probably in that parking lot for 20 minutes because if he's only got four or five left and they're not married. He's got to wait for those people to leave. I'll tell you this. He started this in his midlife crisis. I'm going to say maybe he's 53. Okay.

Wow, Jay, what do you think? Like every rapper talks about starting at the bottom and making their way up. This guy did it. He started at the top and made his way down. Made his way back down to the bottom of life's achievements. I'm going to say he's 44. 44?

What? You guys, this dude is 73. He's on the edge. 77. 77. 77. I think we got a lot of time. 77.

Okay. 77. Gareth Wilde is 39 years old. What? Yes. Look at him. Oh, my God. Look how happy he is. This is a guy. What? Yes. Look at him. Oh, my God. Look how happy he is.

This is a guy. He loves to tell you about different types of cheese that aren't cheese. I wonder if this is a pandemic. Oh, no. It said it took six years. This is pre-pandemic he started doing. So he was doing pandemic level stupid things back then. Just to fill time.

Just preparing for it. Just preparing for it. Just preparing for it. Wild said his wife is, quote, always really supportive, while daughter Aubrey, who's four, regularly joins him on parking missions. It sort of became a thing we would do. Having her along is a bit like daddy-daughter time, you know? Is it a bit like it, or is it?

It actually is. It's like daddy-daughter time. Go to the store together. He said in therapy is. It's like, he said therapy. She'll be like, yeah, my dad used to, my dad used to just park. Therapist is like here,

just have a seat on the couch. And she's like, well, I already sat there. So I'm going to sit here. I'm going to sit on the floor on everyone. His dad fucked me up. Yeah.

He does. Um, on Twitter, wild said that there, that he said that a Lidl has the potential for a repeat attempt. He also described par parks as a good snapshot of English life. You get all sorts of people coming and mingling. Even weirdos like me.

Some of them park like assholes. Some of them just obey the rules and follow the signs. I just like being out and about and seeing those people. Can't wait to read his book. Who's got the movie rights? I mean, okay. I mean, who's got the movie rights? Chapter 7.

Space F5. Six years. Space F5. That's story number two. What a page turner. What a waste of time. Right? I mean, yeah. I love it. All right. There's story number two. What a waste of time. Right? I mean, yeah.

I love it. All right. There's story number two. When we come back, we're going to come back. Give us a little taste of what we're going to hear in segment three, Daniel. Oh, just a strip club in Vegas. Oh, good. I'm sure that's normal. You know who we're going to do a segment three with is with Craig, our old buddy, Craig, buddy, Craig. So he's going to join us with three and our Patreon

fans are going to get some behind the scenes questions. Behind the scenes and maybe a little bit of Caitlyn Jenner our Patreon fans. You definitely want to sign up. Yeah, baby.

Yeah, baby. We're going to sign up for that a little bit later. This is Dumb People Town. Don't go anywhere. One more segment with Kyle Dunn again. Stick around.

Make it sound for more Dumb People Town. All right, Dan. take us home, buddy. Are you ready for this? Yes. Should we have Biden do this with us or Craig do this? Craig, anybody who wants to can jump in. Maybe Craig can come in and join us. So maybe, you know, Craig is...

All right, you guys, let's do this. Hey, Craig! Craig, what's going on? First of all, how you doing, Craig? What's going on, buddy? Hold on a second. I got to close this. He's going on? First of all, how you doing, Craig? What's going on, buddy? Hold on a second. I got to close this. He's going to close something up.

Now, Craig is one of my favorite people because Craig is very honest. Yes. He doesn't put on airs. He doesn't try to fool you. He doesn't try to do things just for the sake of comedy. Very earnest. So he'll give you. Hi, guys.

Hey, Craig. Hey, Craig. What's going on? Sorry, guys. I just had to close. It's all good. Everything's good. Are you closing a door, Craig? What's going on guys I just had to close it's okay it's everything's good closing a door Craig what's going on Craig all right just closed some windows for you guys so it wasn't some shining lights on my glasses thanks cool there you go thanks Craig how are those glasses I mean

how's the prescription is it good or is your eyesight getting better or is it getting worse? No, it's getting worse, you guys. Should you do LASIK? No, I don't want to burn my eyeballs with LASIK. No, no, it doesn't burn your eyeballs. They don't burn your eyeballs. Yes, the laser beam. It is, but it's not repairs. I had it.

That's not how it works. Dan had it. No, the only thing I know about lasers, you weren't supposed to look at lasers. That's not how it works either. That's the only laser beam of information I have. Okay, okay. All right, let's do this last story.

Let's do this last story, Craig. It's a short little fun one. It was sent in by Kyle Andrews at Late Night Nachos. He double dipped those nachos. He double dipped those nachos. Las Vegas Strip Club. Here's the headline. Las Vegas Strip Club offering free vaccination clinic with dances and free bottle service.

Okay. Craig. Vegas is doing whatever it takes to vaccinate this country. Craig, have you ever been to a strip club? What? You've never been to? What's the strip club? It's dancing

yeah but don't he doesn't know what it is I mean I know what it is you guys I just forgot right now okay yeah yeah

exotic dancing no no no it's exotic dancing he's allowed to know what it is yeah but I don't want to push it in there and he's going to ask his mom

I know what bottle service is but I forgot what that is bottle service is when you get bottles of alcohol you get bottles of alcohol. You get bottles of alcohol. You get bottles of alcohol, you get bottle service. You know what it is.

You go with your mom. I know what it is. The strip club is. You go and there's like women dancing and they take their clothes off. Yeah, strip club. Right, right. Just have your mom take you. Your mom will take you.

Will your mom take you to a strip club? Mom, can we go to a strip club? No. She said no. She said no. She's in the shower. A popular Las Vegas strip club is hosting a free vaccination clinic Friday

where dances and complimentary bottles will be provided. This is community service. They better be getting a kickback. When the pandemic started, strip clubs stepped up in Portland and in Texas with drive-through strip clubs. Dan, if 10 years ago someone said to you, I want you to go to a strip club and I want you to let them put a needle in your arm,

what would you say? I'd say you're talking about one of those strip clubs between the Strip and Fremont Street, and I am not going. No. Have you ever been to Vegas, Craig? Oh, yeah, I've been there a bunch of times. Where do you gamble? I stay at Circus Circus. You stay at Circus Circus?

You stay at Circus Circus. Yeah, but I don't leave because there's no reason to leave if you've ever been to Circus Circus. So you only stay at Circus Circus? A lot of games, roller coasters. That's the best place there. They've got clowns and shows. Yeah, the whole thing's like an arcade. Craig loves clowns.

Yeah. Craig loves clowns. Cotton candy in there, you guys? Yeah. That's awesome. It's so awesome. I mean, you know that there's more to Vegas than just Circus Circus, though, right? You don't need any more Vegas.

You're with Excalibur? I think you'd like Excalibur. It's a castle. No, that's scared. No, that's got witches in the wall. He doesn't want to go to the castle. Don't make him go to the castle. Circus Circus is funny, guys.

Yeah, it sounds good. 100% Jason and Randy, do you know if Circus Circus is still standing? I don't know. No clue. Never been. I think it's next to the Golden Horseshoe. Am I right?

No, it's down by the Stratosphere. The Golden Nugget. The Golden Shower. No, that's a different. Have you ever been to the Golden Nugget? I haven't been to the Golden Shower. You haven't? You have been?

He has not. I haven't been to the Golden Shower. He has not. Craig, tell me, what are your weekend plans? First of all, have you been vaccinated? For what? Okay. That says have you been vaccinated? For what? Okay. That says everything you need to know right there.

What are you getting vaccinated for? For COVID. What are you doing this weekend? What are your weekend plans, Craig? Well, I'm probably just going to stay here in my house. And do what? That's safe. Yeah, I've got some projects that I'm working on.

It's not like I'm doing nothing. Yeah, so what projects? I'm making a volcano. You are? Will it work? Will it shoot stuff? I'm just getting some dirt from my yard, bringing it into the house.

And I don't want to show my mom until it's finished. Yeah, you don't want to show your mom that you're bringing dirt into the house. That's not a good working volcano. Why don't you be surprised if she sees me bringing all this dirt in? Then she won't be surprised when she sees the awesome volcano. I mean, is there anything better than a volcano that works, Stan? Like one that you make? A volcano that doesn't work is pretty great, too.

It is. Because those can hurt people. And again, I know we're speaking in generalities right now, but we could be speaking about a strip club, giving free bottle service in terms of volcanoes that work. The pop-up clinic is in partnership with the Southern Nevada health district. How far is it popping up? That's user discretion.

Larry Flint's hustler club is offering free vaccines for adults, 21 and older on Friday from 4 PM.m. to 7 p.m. at its Dean Martin Drive location. Anyone who receives a vaccine during the clinic will receive a membership card and a bottle, free dances, and tickets to one of the club's shows. This, to me, feels like Biden might have stepped in and had something to do with this because I know he wants people to get it. Hurts nobody.

Oh, wait, Biden, did you set this whole thing up, President Biden? Look, look, look. We got to all come together here. Yeah. And vaccinate the whole... From West Coast to West...

She's Coast. Across the lands, man. Yeah. The one guy gots, the other guy gots, and the other guy gots. The... You know, come on, man. Okay. Yeah. The one guy got you, the other guy got you, the other guy got you.

Come on, man. Okay. That's another thing Biden does. He does a smile at the end of a joke. You're like, yeah, that's what I like to call them, chickies. He has a smile. Smile hold? Smile hold. Yeah.

I love it. He does do a good smile hold. So, Dan, when can we go and give that? Mr. President, Smile hold? Smile hold. I love it. He does do a good smile hold. So, Dan, when can we go and get that? Mr. President, I love that smile hold. Keep it. The Pop-Up Clinics, like I said, it was the Southern Nevada Health District. Anyone who receives a vaccine

will receive a membership card, bottle-free dances, tickets to one of the club's shows. I didn't know they had specific shows. If Caitlyn Jenner is listening, she should use this on her platform running for governor for this. Caitlyn Jenner? Are you here, Caitlyn? her platform running for governor for this. Caitlyn Jenner.

Are you here, Caitlyn? I'm not using transphobic assholes. Okay. So, I mean. You guys are a bunch of. You guys like my new bob cut? I love your bob cut. It's great.

It's amazing. Yeah. Stop trying to fuck me with your eyes. We're not. No, we're not. Nobody does. Yes, you are. I see how you're looking at me.

No. No, no, no. Come on. No, baby. We aren't. I'm a governor. No, no, no, no. Come on. No, baby. We aren't. I'm a governor. Well, not yet. Not close enough.

It's not close enough. No one's even measured it. Yes, it is. Nobody has. Nobody's even measured it yet. Oh, shut up. See, you're getting. I'm sorry.

Dan, you're really making me mad. You're really making me mad. Dan's a transphobic asshole. Nobody is. Yes, he is. He is. He's being transphobic right now. No,

not at all. It is not. Come on, baby. The club stores out there. Danny Moore, the club is hosting the vaccination site to help promote the efficacy of the COVID-19 vaccine and to offer an onsite amenity for club goers,

staff and locals. I would go to this just to see it happening. I have a campaign for my campaign of governor. No vaccines for the homeless. What? Why? That's how I'm going to get rid of them, baby. No.

No vaccines, baby. That sounds terrible. You're homeless phobic. You're homeless phobic. Just for the rich people with the vaccine. No. For the people. You're famous and rich.

No. That's the only people who should get it. No. Hey, come on. Caitlyn. No, Caitlyn. No, that's not fair. No, baby.

No. They can vote too. People who don't have money can vote too. Yeah, stop. Well, they shouldn't be allowed to. No, that's not true either. Caitlyn, come on. If you make under a million dollars a year, you shouldn't be allowed to vote. You're obviously a moron. Oh, Caitlyn, come on. If you make under a million dollars a year, you shouldn't be allowed to vote.

You're obviously a moron. Oh, Caitlyn. It's so easy to make money. You are really stepping in it right now. You should post a picture of yourself with your titties out, baby. No. Don't do that. Don't do that.

Please. Or have sex with a black guy. That's what Kim did. Oh, come on. Come on. That's what Kim did. No. Caitlyn, stop it. Come on, baby. You know it's true. No, Caitlin. Stop it.

Come on, baby. You know it's true. Caitlin. You're saying facts. No one would have heard of her if she didn't do that. Come on. The club's namesake, Larry Flint, died earlier this year at the age of 78. I don't know why they put that in there after telling people to come get free bottle service,

lap dances, and membership while getting free open vaccines. Let's keep it light. You don't want to end up like him. The bad news is this came out May 21st, so you already missed it. But if you're in the Vegas area, check and see if any of the strip clubs are doing free COVID. Bottle service. Remember 9-11? Yes.

Why are they bumming everybody out at the end there? Yeah. That's right. That's right. That's it. Yeah, that's kind of what they did. That was a good comedy. Yeah.

All right, Caitlin. Caitlin, if you want to. Two for one drinks on Thursday. Yeah, baby. I want that girl back in there. Yeah, baby. Yeah, baby. Two for one drinks on Thursday. Yeah, baby. When that girl got kidnapped. Yeah, baby. Yeah, baby. Two for one drinks Thursday.

Get your bottle service. Don't forget the Holocaust. Yeah, baby. Don't forget the Holocaust, yeah. What the hell kind of article is that? I don't know. It was like carefree and fun. Yeah, baby. Somebody died.

Yeah, baby. Death. Yeah, baby. Get your martinis. 40 million people die of cancer every year. Yeah, baby. Death. Yeah, baby. 40 million people die of cancer every year. Yeah, baby. If any townies in Vegas went to this or know someone who does, please let us know on social media. I want to know how it went.

That's how we do it, you guys. That is the show. Kyle Dunnigan, Bill Maher, Caitlyn Jenner, Joe Biden, Sylvester Stallone. All of you, thank you for joining us. Yes, yes, yes. Yeah. Go blue. Go blue, all of you. Thank you for joining us. Yes, yes, yes. Go Blue. Go Blue. All of you.

What about me? Michael, you were there too. Yay. Yay. Yay, you. All there. And that is the show, guys. And oh, shit, we've dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb