Dumb People Town - Kyle Kanaine - Space is Fake

Episode Date: July 21, 2020

This week Kyle Kinane comes to town to hang with Daniel, Jason and Randy. In story one, they hear about a flat earth activist trying to educate children in front of a school. In story two, a man tries to leave his mark on a stadium field. In story three doctors are surprised to find a phone charger inside a mans body.

Skypains Avenue Hey, Tatties, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Canaan. Kyle Canaan. Whatane kyle canane welcome to the show dpt i know dude i feel like you and dpt have a special relationship every time we've had you on here it's just been you've had a connection to these stories where you're like i'm making fun of this but i kind of understand every decision that everyone's made in here. Kyle, from every time you mentioned. When we had you on

last, I think that was the time we did the story about the guy who got in a fight at the bar at Christmas Eve and his uncle was trying to take him out and he knocked over the Christmas tree. Yeah. He was bringing it all down. He was bringing down culturalism.

Yes. Which is a guy I know and He was bringing down culturalism. Yes. Which is a guy I know and have been. Come on. Come on. I, just an hour ago, was my mom, you know, telling me, like, she's like, I want your honest opinion, which she did not want, about if she should go to a casino. No. Like, oh, you mean the business that's built on deceiving people?

You think they're going to follow the protocols? The place that only exists because of lies and the people who fall for them? Yeah, but strangely enough, I feel like they're going to make sure you're alive because they can't take your money if you're dead. Right. So they're going to take your temperature. They're going to going to do everything the same way they want to keep you at the table as long as possible oh yeah i'm sure that thermometer they take the temperature with is just as tilted as the roulette wheel is you know i'm sure dude

i bet 98.6 another perfect one get in here i'm out on red i bet you could get covet tested while you're playing blackjack like the hardest thing in the world is to get a covet test like yeah you want it sure results in 13 minutes oh look hey hey bet you bet you're positive oh we're wrong again i can't believe it's a negative you're fine 100 on negative 100 on negative yo you're in a sports but and then i i'm sure that's a great like even, even she said, she's like, well, I don't know all the gamblers that are going there. I'm like, say that word again. Right. The gamblers.

You think they're only gamblers when they're at the casino? You think they've just been sitting there coughing into each other's mouths at Sam's Club this whole week? Yeah. You never want to hear someone say, what does Uncle Eddie do? Oh, he's a gambler. Ron, Ron, do I look sick? Nope.

Let's go. Let's go. Does not know when to fold. No. Does not know when to fold. They are literally rolling the dice every day. Every day they're rolling the dice on their life. Well, so do the people in our stories.

We have amazing stories sent our way. We're going to talk about new stuff that that you have coming out top of segment two i believe it's a new special am i correct to say album new album new album phenomenal so we'll get into that we'll get into that everyone's gonna buy it uh but first dan has a story let's let's rock ready this was sent in by la asesina at la asesina mma thank you so much i'm gonna read you the headline flat earth youtuber yeah i know who tried to flat smack children smacked with trespass order i don't know what flat smack children what is flat smacking a child i think that is a i think that's some uh entry-level journalism that's right that's what

it is i mean backhanding it's like open it's open handing a kid yeah my first question you know as a parent of small kids is does that help setting limits i just want to know doesn't okay uh and the other thing is when i've heard flat youtube earther, I'm like, there's nothing else you can put in there to make me hate him more. Child abuser, I'm like, you did it. You did it. Congratulations. Yeah, it's never NASA flat earther. It's never accredited.

Yes. A flat earth activist in the US who tried to, quote, flat smack a group of school children. By the way, a Flat Earth activist. I think they should be called de-activists. I thought the same thing. You know what I mean? You're trying to bring it back. They're deactivating the

activation of the mind. We've been programmed with education this whole time. Right. They got to deprogram all those facts. We'll get into it. By the way, this comes from this whole time. Sure. Right. They got a deprogram. Oh, we'll get into it. Yeah. This was, by the way,

this comes from news hub.co last week, YouTuber Nathan Thompson visited Hollis Academy in Greenville, South Carolina. That's Rory's people standing outside the school grounds and urging young children to take one of his flyers, which claimed the earth is flat. Quote, I got a flyer for you here check it out he yells i got anything for you and that guy you're not someone's parent if

you're at the edge of a school property line beckoning children to come over to you you better be a clown in a fucking sewer i exactly that's what no that's who you are 100 yards my po said this is okay and those people know what 100 yards is oh they know it better they know they know it better than jerry rice that's right exactly what 100 measured with a laser pointer that's right for sure no they get that golf app where you can like see how far away something is they hold up their phone this is 99 i'm okay i'm okay uh yeah so he's yelling at kids from the edge of a school ground i got a flyer for you here check it out none of the children do which is great which means that the parents have been doing their jobs hey kids check this out real quick if you're yelling that to a group of kids

yeah check this out real quick is you just made it there are times when i hear stories of dudes like this like getting lit on fire from behind like he probably is doing this and i feel sorry for the guy someone should have lit him on fire that's i'm just gonna say that right now and then we can see what he believes i I don't know. You guys are parents. Is there anything wrong with telling your kids, if someone you don't know is yelling look at this, just don't even look. Don't look at it. Forget stranger danger.

Just don't even look. Who would have thought a flat earther didn't have better protocol on how to breach the subject of his thesis? Yeah, you know. Hey kids, check this out real quick and then he continues space is fake which i imagine the kids are like okay man yeah wait is that part of the flat earth like i think that's become co-opted as well that space is fake that's a new one to me

and i read about this stuff yes okay because i Because I thought it's one thing to say, well, the Earth is like a flat, oval-shaped thing in space. But now you're saying everything. Space is fake. Space is fake sounds like when you're at South by Southwest, and that's who's taken over the Velveeta room for a couple hours. They're like an improv group called Space is Fake. Improv band. They're an improv band called Space is Fake. With no instruments. None. Or too Fake. Improv band. They're an improv band called Space is Fake. With no instruments.

None. Or too many. Or too many. Like, all saxophones? This is going to be interesting. Six saxophones? We have been Space is Fake. Oh.

The thing is, I'm going to tell you guys as my friends, I probably would go check it out. Space is Fake? If you told me Space is Fake at the Velveeta, we just got done at Esther Follies, and it's all saxophones i'd be like well we have to go we have to at least see it there's a very real band called diarrhea planet but i think seven guitar players and they're fantastic i'm sure i'm sure as a as a fact space is fake let's not trust it as a band absolutely that's right, expand your horizons.

Space is fake. Limitless. Limitless what they do. What if here in LA, and I just had this thought, what if the Earth Cafe, URTH Cafe, a very healthy restaurant, very trendy restaurant, what if they opened up a pizza

place called the Flat Earth Cafe, and it's thin crust pizza, really thin crust pizza. And it's the flat URTH cafe. And it says that no other earth, nothing else exists outside of this pizza. And you can't sit in there. Okay? It's perfect for COVID because they believe space is fake. Space is fake.

Have you ever almost gotten hit by your uh respective wives or loved ones over a joke so bad yeah oh god that they're upset they're with you because i mean i'm in oregon right now there's taco time up here yeah and in the drive-thru i said taco time just a flat tortilla in my best mcconaughey and she was so close to opening my driver's side door of the car and pushing me out of the vehicle at least right at least you had an effect the worst for me is to throw a joke out there and just get a look and you're like yeah at least get mad about it right uh we need to make more money to say shit like that around this house right then it becomes about that maybe you're right uh nathan to make more money to say shit like that around this house right

then it becomes about that maybe you're right uh nathan thompson went on to keep yelling at the kids you're not on a spinning ball they're going to teach you listen guys they're going to teach you you're on a spinning ball that doesn't make it true it's not real the floor is not moving a thousand miles an hour okay all right first all, if you're going to be that authoritative, don't end with a question. Don't ask for affirmation from what you just said. They say that in parenting all the time. They say you're not supposed to be

like, hey, we're going to after dinner, you got to brush your teeth. Okay. You don't say, okay. Really? Yeah. You go, we're going to brush our teeth and then we're going to go to bed. Period. We're also not moving a thousand miles an hour and we're not on a spinning and then we're gonna go to bed period we're also not moving a thousand miles an hour and we're not on a spinning ball period period is there anything scarier than a childless man whose mission is to save the children yeah no is there anything creep like

we need these kids we need to get we need to save them we need to really get involved yeah if you were if you hey man if you had kids you'd care less yeah trust me true it's like somebody having no trouble carrying groceries to their car and just someone else comes up it's like here let me help you with that no i don't need it he then tiny bag we know all this because he made a video of this he then moves on to another group of kids telling viewers on his youtube channel he's going to flat smack them. Then he starts yelling at these kids, guys, you don't live on a ball. The earth is flat. I got flyers right here. You can check out my YouTube, okay? He says, working himself up into a loud scream. Yeah, that's too much. But Dan, check out my YouTube. Sounds like he has a separate YouTube.

Like it's not even his YouTube channel. Right. He's got a flat YouTube. He's got out my YouTube. Sounds like he has a separate YouTube. Like it's not even his YouTube channel. Right. He's got a flat YouTube. He's got a flat YouTube. Not a tube. Not a tube. Not even cylindrical. It's Uplane.

It's called Uplane. Uplane. I exist on it. That's right. He keeps yelling at the kids. He's in a loud scream at this point right which you know these kids are like dude stop bring it down and by the way any parent of those kids would be like yeah they don't listen to us but good i gotta listen to you you get them to believe whatever you want

yeah uh he says you can check out my youtube then he yells about the flyers give them to your teachers they can verify everything on my flyer. Large bodies of water don't curve. Hey, guys, you're not on a ball in space. The earth is flat. We get it. You keep hitting the same point. Large bodies of water, all caps, do not curve. I don't even know what that means.

Maybe those are callbacks. Isn't that what gravity is? Okay, but this is the time we're living in, and not to get too political, but this is the time where facts, you say something that has nothing to do with the situation over and over again as your point. And it's like, I don't know. I can't prove that large bodies of water don't curve. Maybe this guy is right. And we're not spinning around at 1,000 miles per hour. Like, that's right.

But it's also not proving his thing. Sure. You know what I mean? Have you seen the documentary Behind the Curve? Oh, no. Kyle Kinane. Okay. The very next sentence in this.

Thompson, who featured in Netflix's documentary on the flat earth phenomenon, Behind the Curve. So he was in it? Oh, he did it. He did it. All right. So you watched it oh twice of course you would go see so you might know this so tell me what is i'm trying to think of which guide is i'll look it up but i mean as far as like how terrible the actual news is and that conspiracy theories are propagated by leaders of the world.

This one's pretty innocent. And it's kind of like a nice palate cleanser because these people are all wrong. And then that's fine. Yeah. Because they can't do anything about it. No. And I wonder if it's just like a new kid in town that made up a story.

And everybody's like, that story's fake he's like can't prove it is yeah exactly like every he doesn't care that everybody else thinks it's bullshit right right and it's just like i've not like there's like a mentality of like this like i'm winning because you don't know as reflected by the president right now but like nope nope because i said so large bodies of water don't bend i guess so maybe i mean we had the dude who made his own rocket who was going to go up into space mike we talked about mike we talked about him here mad mike whose own his shuttle transport was a limousine that he was also driving for hire yes probably not i mean hey

nasa had to make up their own rules as they went along too so i i don't want to i'm not here to shit on anybody's ingenuity but nasa never took it that's not what i'm here for nasa never took you to the airport under the phone number seven seven seven seven seven seven seven sure how about it turns out my launch pad is on the way to where you're going 777-777. Sure. How about... Turns out my launch pad is on the way to where you're going. All right. I got to make two stops. I got to make two stops before I go to the launch pad.

That's my thing that I always said about Mad Mike is, think what you want about what he believes, but you can't say he didn't put in the work. He tried. He put in the work. Well, he made... All the wrong work. He made the fatal flaw.

He made the fatal flaw. He made the fatal flaw of trying to build a rocket. There's a guy who flew up into space in the 1960s, and another guy did it a few years ago in a helium balloon. The balloon carried him all the way up into space, and then both guys jumped down and skydived from space. Insane. They're fascinating videos. Have you seen those videos, Kyle?

Have you looked at those? I've seen the guy a few years ago. The Red Bull guy? Of course, the Red Bull. Red Bull will sponsor any stupid human endeavor. Anything. There was a guy in 1969 who did it. Hey, if we can keep you up late enough at night

to think of something stupid, we're going to support it, right? Red Bull. One of my jokes that never goes anywhere because nobody knows what I'm talking about. Like, oh, my sex tape just came out. Actually, it turned going to support it, right? Red Bull. One of my jokes that never goes anywhere because nobody knows what I'm talking about. They go, oh, my sex tape just came out. Actually, it turned out to just be some footage from Red Bull's Flugtag. But that's...

I love that. It's a great joke. It's a funny word. It's a funny word. It's a funny word and a great joke. Keep doing it. There's nothing more American than in spite of what all science and math tells you can't be done. You've tried it anyway.

So my question, though, is this, and maybe because you saw the movie, you can explain it. So what do they think, like, where do they think the end of the earth is? Is it like if you run to the edge of Australia, you're going to fall off? And where do you go? It's where the sidewalk ends. Where do you go? Where does the sidewalk end sidewalk end let's look the earth is a pizza the crust is actually antarctica okay the crust is the arctic so anytime you go for far enough that's the it's a wall of ice this is like our truman show right all right yeah very very it is just truman show or it's game of thrones the best is

that the other planets still spheres those are fine ours no but there's yeah look up those are clearly so it's antarctica is all the way around even like on what side if you go east west by japan that's the no that's the crust of the pizza around the top it's all flat and then because it's flat and so everything and then they say there's some way to like well you can't imagine flying from here to here in this amount of time it doesn't make sense unless you go straight and anybody with a basic knowledge of like air travel and how the curvature we're just like no it just it just goes actually up. It doesn't go around the circumference.

Right. And you can almost see in the writing of someone explaining things, and then just going, ah, fuck it. They don't care anymore. Okay, but I'm still Antarctica and the Arctic Circle. Randy's in. Okay, that's the top and bottom of the, those are the top and the bottom of the,

what are the sides? That's the top and bottom of you picturing a globe. You got a picture of pizza. So it does, it rings it like the crust. The earth is flat. The crest around the earth is Antarctica. I understand,

but nobody crosses it. Where? You don't understand. So I'm saying like there's Arctic stuff around Australia. If we were to drive straight east, like on a boat all the way into Europe, into Asia, if we go straight east all the way, all the way. If we were to go straight east in Europe, past Asia, Russia,

you would eventually hit the Arctic. You guys, it's almost like it doesn't make sense. Kyle, I love how you and and i trying to make this thing make sense to them the two of you trying to explain the theory you don't believe listen to how dumb you sound right not believing in the i don't know that anybody should want two fucking middle-aged idiots from northern Illinois who barely figured out how to do life and are still waiting for that to go wrong. Guys, it's a deep dish pizza.

It's a Giordano's. Oh my God. And instead of crust, it is ice. All right. Then you'll eventually just get us to give you the Chicago response when someone's sick of trying to explain. I don't know. I told you what it fucking is. If you want to deal with it,

I don't care. Tomato sauce and mozzarella cheese does not bend according to courage and gravity. It maintains flat surface. If you were to try and make a deep dish pizza on top of a globe, it would fail. It would fail. It doesn't matter

if it's Go's East. It's a different crust. God damn it. If you go far enough Geno's East, you wind up at Geno's West. There's ice around Geno's East. What happens when you put it in the fridge? You're going to get me into an uncle voice.

I'm just like, look, I'm telling you what I know. That's it. If you don't know what I know, forget it. I went to the same school you went to. If you got something else, good for you. Good for you. You got into Lane Tech and went to fucking Nutria. I don't care.

What happens when you put it in a fridge? That's what happens when you leave DuPage. That's what happens when you don't go to a state school. You think you're better than everybody else. You give your teachers a flyer. What do I know? I went to Western. You're an NIU guy. Good for you. Alright.

Where was I? Okay, yeah. So then, we're connected. This is what he said. This is the school, by the way. Somebody from the school finally comes outside. We're concerned anytime someone is reaching across the fence and we don't know what they're up to. Yeah. Which is also Thompson's version

of touching the void. Touching the void is reaching across the fence. I'm trying to make contact. This was according to spokesperson Terry Brinkman. They told that to the Greenville News. It scares children. It frightens teachers. It's not okay. In a follow-up YouTube video on Thursday, New

Zealand time, I don't know Thompson, why this takes place in South Carolina, but maybe that's the New Zealand time. Thompson showed off the list of schools he's now banned from not anything you should ever brag about unless you're legally obligated to state that when you move into a neighborhood. That's right. All these

spots right here. I would like to take you out for a date. Here are the list of schools. I am like to take you out for a date. Here are the list of schools I am banned from. He says, quote, all these spots right here. I can't flat smack or the cop warned me. I might go to jail. He said in a mocking voice, Thompson called the officer a zombie. Now we're getting into a whole other whole other thing for not researching

flat earth himself, despite being urged to in a previous encounter between the two. So he's saying he's like, I've had a run-in with this cop before. I told you before. Research it. I've got flyers. Oh my God. Was he arrested?

Oh, this guy. Yeah. He's just Nathan Thompson. He was not arrested. That's story number one. That's just stupidity, guys. He's just Nathan Thompson. He was not arrested, but that's story number one. That's just stupidity, guys. I believe in the documentary he's also shown doing the devil sticks, which I don't want to throw anybody doing devil sticks under the bus. It is a precursor to other choices that you think are great.

Devil sticks is the gateway drug to things you shouldn't believe. That's right. You can do this, but don't show off. You're not allowed to own devil sticks without a jester hat. Devil sticks are the idol workshop. Devil sticks show up after you've

cut your hands on ninja stars. For sure. I heard they're going to ban devil sticks at next Burning Man that's how annoying that's how annoying they are I'll tell you though if you're trying to get a group of kids together get those devil sticks going you will get a crowd devil sticks

are juggling for people who don't know how to juggle that's all it is it's juggling with training wheels devil sticks are for people who can't get a group together for hacky sack. Yeah. The recumbent bicycle. They are your own coordinated art. If you've been ostracized

from anything in your life, family, work, friends, there's always devil sticks. Devil sticks. Why not create your own hacky circle? Yeah. When you have a lot of time to work on something. Do you think Cirque du Soleil has like an open casting call ever like let's just see if there's something out there we're not on earth and it's just all the it's just nothing but devil sticks like it's let's see if there's something out there we're not flat on earthing yeah all right uh

let's take a break when we come back we're going to hear about kyle canane's new album i'm so excited about it this is Dumb People Town stay with us stick around make it sound for more Dumb People Town hey guys welcome back to the show we got Kyle Kinane with us follow him on all social media so you can find out what he's doing you are

on Instagram you are at Kyle Kinane. Are you still there on that? Yeah, I'm there. Twitter, I think most of the time I just give my password to somebody else so I don't get in any kind of grudging.

It's mostly just promos on there. Instagram, I still can kind of have fun and not get caught up in some sort of inane bickering. Yeah, yeah. No, I mean we follow. Is it at the Kyle Kinane or at Kyle Kinane? No, it's just Kyle Kinane. Kyle Kinane. Alright, we follow. We also have

a great podcast with you and Bronger. Is it Hey Girl? Is that what it is? Yeah, me and Bronger do Hey Girl on usually Fridays, but it's kind of been bouncing around. Yeah, we got Hey Girl. I do Boogie Monster with old Dave Stone.

Yeah. Hence how we know so much about the flatter. You delve into these worlds. We started, I mean, we started prior to Trump winning. And so we were talking about conspiracies and kind of like,

oh, it's kind of fun to talk about this knowing that like yeah that's still silly and now having been doing it for five years it's like i don't want to i don't want to turn over any of these rocks anymore there's too much you're like i said we didn't want to do regular news oh god yeah wayfair is selling children and calling them dresser chester drawers chester is that happening there's a whole thing going down last weekend on twitter and facebook that there were these shelves and armoires being sold for like 10 grand and then there were names in the description that match the names of like very unique names of children who are missing and i had a friend of mine that was like had bought into it

all and i just said i go first of all i know nothing about photoshop and i could make any sort of ad have any name in it and you wouldn't be able to tell second of all and i hate that you have to live in this world these kids that that are all missing, that are matched up. My friend was like, yeah. I go, do you even know if those are real missing kids? No. And they were like, no. I go, see, that's the problem here.

You've already assumed a threshold level of information to then buy in to the conspiracy. But you've got to first ask yourself, is the threshold information even real? No one knows what's real. And the assault on truth is a huge problem. I was screaming about it the other week. I'm like, just do two clicks.

Yeah. Just do two clicks on the internet. Oh, boy. I'm curious about this. Then Google what you're looking for. Just do two fucking clicks to look it up. On your phone. I told a family member of mine, I i go you don't even have to click sometimes the thing

you think is real is so crazy the fact that it's fake will be auto filled in google before you're done typing it's literally be like yada yada yada not real not real not real or is fake right and it's been debunked. All right, let's talk about your album because name of the album and I started listening to it, it's some of my favorite bits that you've been doing recently.

But specifically the, I don't want to give anything away. I can't give it away. Don't give it away. But you do have an insightful bit about mass shootings, which by the way, you're like, how can he make that funny?

Yep, you made it funny. You found a way to make it great and make me laugh and make me go, yeah, I do a lot of that. Honestly, I'm trying to remember what joke was even about the mass shootings on that. I don't want to give it away. I dumped out

every... It's 100 minutes long. Where'd you do it at? I did it at Comedy Unstate a comedy at comedy on state in madison come on the best yeah and it was like i i was doing audio only so i had them i had 800 pound gorilla was set up to record i had five or six shows so i was like well let's do the set i'm working on and then do another story sure that i haven't that hasn't made it on any other like special or anything yeah each different show of every night just to have it now i'm like who cares just put it all out there it's audio only there's no physical limitation anymore for it so here here's a hundred

minutes of shit i don't care that's fantastic when did you do it quantity quantity over quality gonna be there's it's like go it's like over quality oh stop it's gonna be there's it's like go it's like going to hometown buffet there's gonna be something in there that was actually not so bad yeah and it turns out people have time on their hands so 100 minutes is actually beautiful so the name of the album is it's a tramp trampoline in a ditch which if uh only from there's no joke about trampoline in a ditch it's from a twitter account called the sheboygan scanner yeah which i'm assuming you guys all are familiar we remember we remember the sheboygan clogger oh yeah we had that which is the guy in sheboygan who was

clogging a bunch of public women's toilets yeah oh like from a fetish thing or just massive i'm not really sure i don't know if he was mad he definitely enjoyed a little bit of this a little bit of column b okay yeah this plumbing in oregon i'm telling you yeah i am all right so how did these houses exist was that a tweet from the cheboygan scanner that's all it was like gave the address and i was like trampoline in a ditch and it was the most beautiful thing i'd read on twitter in so long i love it was it just showing a trampoline in a ditch and that's what just that was what came up on the scanner oh because if you yeah the guy just very bluntly tweets out what shows up on the scanner on the police scanner yeah he doesn't he doesn't editorialize it so it's

great because it's like i've tried to follow the la police scanner other things they try to make it funny it's like you're blowing it the whole reason it's great is the purity of the events not what you're adding to it right and the beauty is what you add to it because to me when i just think trampoline in a ditch i'm like that's what we're doing in america that that is an item that didn't sell at the garage sale after a divorce yeah oh god i didn't even go literally i went so metaphorical same with me about how trampolines are like no you jump on them to get up higher and have this new perspective except if it's in a ditch you're still just seeing the same shit everybody else gets to see,

no matter how hard you try. I'm like, this is, you can keep your EE Cummings. This one, I like Sheboygan scanner is my Walt Whitman. I was thinking we've gone into such a hole as a people and as like a culture that if you jump on a trampoline as high as you can go, you're not going to get back to zero that's right that's you might get to have yeah same thing whatever you want to take from

it i thought it was gorgeous the fact that it came over for police scanner out of sheboygan wisconsin it's what a great man i wrote it down like years ago you know when you're just like yeah i don't know if it's going to be a joke or something i just i love these words i want that it's either going to be called that or i think i was gonna call it i walked by an auto parts store it said shocks and struts and i was like oh that's a good album yeah how can i in shocks and struts i love it maybe i'll leave it there i actually like yeah but i like that we did our first album was called pop in the hood in a similar way it's just like man we're to look under the hood and see what's under there.

But I bet a lot of your material, cause a lot of your stuff is, I thought it was going to be this, but here's what ended up happening. I came into it with this idea and these pre-credits. And then this is what got uncovered. I went and ordered a pizza by myself. And then this is how it played itself out. So I feel like

Trampling in a Ditch probably describes a lot of the bits that are on this thing. It might. I just sat on that phrase knowing it was going to exist somewhere in the world. I love it. Even if I don't make a joke out of it.

Well, now that we've said it a bunch of times, are you hearing this, fans? I want you to check this out if you're looking for new comedy. This is a great way to support a comedian. This is one of our favorite comics. There are very few people I'll sit down and... I remember being in Tulsa with you, and you were doing your set at Kane's Ballroom,

and we just sat down and just watched it in just pure... Nick Vatterot opened and was unbelievable, blew our mind. Did his entire set, the same set twice within 30 minutes. So good. He did an opening set. And then we sat down like fans and watched your show. And I was like, this is just such an enjoyable hour.

And Eugene Merman, that same trip, we sat in that same thing. We sat and watched his set. And I was like, we don't get to do this. You know what I mean? You're headlining in another city when we're not there and we're somewhere else. So that was a treat. No, you never get to see your friends when you're working. But also, I hope they bring a Tulsa festival back because that had the same vibes as Bridgetown.

It was just comedians that liked each other, really enjoyed watching shows. It wasn't some sort of hustle type thing. It was good. I was only there for a day. Yeah, same. We were there for two days. each other really enjoyed watching shows sort of hustle type thing was like oh this is it was good I was on there for a day same we were there for two days it was perfect it was great all right should we jump into the second story yeah you want to do it send in by Brandon Noonan at

tug golf t-u-g-o-l I wonder if it's Tulane University golf 21 that's my guess okay here we go you might have heard about this chance you guys might have talked about it in your other show. Kyle, if you're like me, you heard about this Miller Park intruder tried carving his name

into field. Did you guys cover this? Oh, and I'm very excited. The intruder who entered Miller Parks playing field last week is a Milwaukee is accused of taking a joyride on a tractor and using it to try and carve his own name in cursive on the grounds.

Cursive. Wow. If you've never done that before, like if you don't know how a thing, that is difficult. I mean, groundskeepers are the work that they do on professional ballparks. That is artwork. That's like literally sitting down and being like, I can do on professional ballparks. That is, that is artwork. That's like literally sitting down and being like,

I can do this. You can't. Yeah. Hey, you guys, you've been in Michigan, like you've been on football fields, like real deal.

Those are done so well. Oh my God. And compared to what those guys used to have to do, it feels like a, like a four inch cushion. Baseball fields are the best. Professional baseball fields are the best because. We've been on Millerfield.

We ran in the sausage race. Oh, you on Miller Field. We ran in the sausage race. Oh, you did? Randy and I ran in the sausage race. You should have tried to carve your name when you were out there. We should have. I mean, I'll defend we're all mystified by the cursive, but when dealing with like a motor vehicle and you got to think of a continual line,

the cursive does make more sense than trying to print it out. It does help that the earth is flat though, because a field doesn't curve. Oh, yeah. The perspective would be all wrong. Fields don't curve. Large fields don't curve. Prosecutors charged Kenyon A. Lambert of Milwaukee with a felony count of criminal damage to property and misdemeanor disorderly conduct.

If his name was Jeff, I'd be like, yeah, go ahead, type it in. But Kenyon? Kenyon would look cool. It would, but like... you got the K coming up. And then just think aesthetically on the other side, you've got the Y coming down. Yeah. Kenyon.

I mean, I know as a Kyle and having spelled my name in cursive. Yeah, it's going to look dope. You appreciate it. Yeah. Yeah, it's going to look dope. The criminal complaint describes how Lambert entered the stadium on June 2nd after finding an unlocked door. So that's on the Brewers.

Somebody. That's on the Brewers. Lock your damn doors. Do you know I'm pretty sure there's an Applebee's or like a TGI Friday connected into Miller Park that you can go to year round? Yeah, maybe that's how he got through. Yeah, that makes sense. He walked into an unlocked door He got through an unlocked door

and then wandering around the playing field. You know you can get on the field just by going through Applebee's? Nobody's known that this whole time. I went to Applebee's. I got two $10 apps and I played right in field for three innings. Give the chef,

and I say that term loosely, $10. He gets you through the back and you're right on him. Don't worry. Your buzzer still works. You'll know when your table's ready. They call him the warmer upper guy. They don't call him the chef. He walks through an unlocked door, then wanders onto the playing field with grounds crew present.

They were kind of like, who's this guy? He told police. He decided to commandeer. I hope that's his words because then you're like settle down commandeer means you told someone to get off or you were like you're coming with me no he saw it and he's like here we go i'm gonna commandeer this yeah i'm gonna take this commandeer the tractor because this is why he did this because he had never driven one before how do you want to carve his name in the grass with the tires, which is also not what you need to do. No, you'd carve it with the cutters. Yes, the mower

or just drop that backhoe down and do some dragging. That's right. He wants to carve it with the tires, Dan. We got an unlocked door and a tractor that's that easy for somebody to just figure out. This is on the burs. I'm not blaming this guy. I'm not blaming this guy. Don't make it that easy. I'm going to take advantage of an opportunity. If I'm him, I'm saying, I'm not blaming this guy. I'm not blaming this guy. Don't make it that easy. If I'm him, I'm saying,

I'm Sean Penn and this is the game. And this was set up for me to be able to do this. That's right. You just left your car door open, windows down, keys in the thing. And you're wondering why it was stolen? That's on you. I was just trying to clog up the women's bathroom of those Applebee's. Next thing I know, I'm on the field.

I'm down from sheboygan and i wanted a little good time but just that wisconsin confidence in the summer that summer is what does it to these people it's summertime and you start thinking i made it through that winter yeah i can commandeer things i can drive things i've never driven before the world is me you're drunk all the time i'm gonna carve my name in this field and then go swimming at the Dells. Back in February, I got frostbite in the middle of my back somehow. I'm doing this.

I'm doing this. You think I drank all that new Glarus to do nothing? He literally got on the thing and said, it's Miller time. The tractor didn't move fast enough for any of that to happen, but Lambert nevertheless drove across the field

while raising and lowering the front bucket, damaging the pitcher's mound. You're not even in the field. He's over the pitcher's mound. Jesus. I hope the whole time he was just yelling, I got it, I got it. No, no.

Let me straighten it out. Let me straighten it out. Let me straighten it out. Let me do it right. You damage the features amount and then started digging holes elsewhere on the field and you know there's a whole grounds crew who's like this is not our job. No we're that is secure. He has gone into

security security. I'm not even playing baseball now, right? Nobody's that man. How come like me? All right, that's the thing. They're not even playing baseball. You could have let him like a like hey all right that's the thing they're not even playing baseball you could have let him like a toddler just wear himself out no he wouldn't though he wouldn't we got time to fix it we got time to fix it right so it's ot for us that's right let him go or drive into let him drive into the corner and not be able to back out right and having driven forklifts and know that everybody's hit that moment of panic when

they're new of like, all right, I'm going up to the thing I'm about to pick up. All I need to do is tilt the forks down and they accidentally tilt it up and just stab through whatever product. A hundred percent. Just imagining the, like,

no, I re no, I remember I did this last time. And then you get that thing where you're like, wait, tobacco, I have to turn left to go right as I back on. Oh, the tiller. The one with the tiller and the joystick. I almost took out a supervisor with one of those. Did you really?

Where were you working when that happened? Where were you? I was working at Tri-PAR Industries in Itasca, Illinois. And hung over, seeing somebody like, oh, we're going a little quick on this thing task Illinois. Hungover, seeing somebody like, we're going a little quick on this thing. Uh-oh, there's somebody. Let me just take the tiller and turn it. Went sideways. She jumped out of the way. Oh my God.

Dude, you could have cut her. Stand at my desk the rest of that time. Hey, Kyle, we're going to put you on desk duty. Like I said, I've done it in an old joke. Instead of getting fired, I just got put in the office like a cop whose service firearm went off at an opportune time. Jesus. That's crazy.

Lambert told police he saw workers recording him with their phones, quote, so he decided to show off. So it's on them. Yeah. It's on them. You guys are encouraging. You're only encouraging him. It's on them. Yeah.

It's on them. You guys are encouraging. You're only encouraging them. Like each worker, I believe at a stadium, each worker on the field should get a blow dart, tube, and one like- Tranquilizer dart. Sleepy tranquilizer dart. And look, that's what you use. You get close enough, a little, and just right into the neck.

Let him go down. Let him go down. He also shouted various things at the grounds crew workers so that they would stay away from him. Is that him saying, like, I was looking out for their safety? Give me space. I need space. You guys suck. Hey, I'll flat smack you.

I'll flat smack you with some flat air. It's better than the woman in New Hampshire who was yelling speak English to a bunch of true. So he's one up from them and he's trying to have a good time. He's living, you know, and he was socially distancing. Maybe that's best life. A statement by the Milwaukee Brewers

described that the damage was minor and said there was zero indication that Lambert's actions were connected to social unrest stemming from local and national protests. Great. Yeah, it's just a dumb guy. I'm going to ask you guys.

We'll get out of here. So him cutting the mound in half had nothing to do with George Floyd. Just making sure. Okay, good. Sure. Okay. How old do you think Mr. Lambert is?

Canyon Lambert. Canyon Lambert. Kyle, you're a guest. You can go walkie. You can guest first or in between me and Jason. Tuesday, June 2nd. I got young vibes off this fella. He seems like

a fun-loving dude. The kind of fun that you've jettisoned by middle age. That being said, this could be a real wild card fella. He is in his late 60s and he's like, I haven't done shit. You know what?

Let's have a – because it is Wisconsin, and people, they just drink beer. They just get drunk, and it's not looked on like a problem. No. It's like an afternoon nap. Wisconsin is America's Irish. It really is, but not brawling. No, just kidding. I still want to go early.

I want to say this guy's like 23. Okay, 23. Jay, what do you think? 46. 46 from Jason Sklar. I think he's 27. 27 from Randy Sklar. Okay.

We'll get out of the story, too, with this. Because. Kenyon Lambert. Kenyon Lambert. Who caused $40,000 in damage. 40K! If you're a baseball team, that's minor. That is minor

on a baseball team. Kenyon Lambert is 40 years old. See, I was on it. You were on it. Six years away. A midlife crisis kind of. Hey, Judd Apatow,

this is 40. Or a midlife solution. This is 40. That's right. Stay away, the earth is flat. Chop that, give that mound a haircut.

Dan, give us a tease of what we're going to hear in this last... Someone does something horrible to themselves. Audible listenership advised. Okay, we're giving you your trigger warnings right now.

Kyle Kinane is with us. He's got a new album. We'll briefly remind you about it on the other side of this break. It's Dumb People Town. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys.

Welcome back to DPT. Dan, take us home. I will. I want to remind everybody, though, you can see a live Dumb People Town on August 15th. Get your tickets right now because this will sell out. It's part of Nowhere Comedy Club. Go to NowhereComedyClub.com

and get your ticket. No joke. That's a Saturday night, 6.30 Pacific Time, 9.30 New York East Coast Time, 8.30 Rochelle Time, 8.30 Rochelle St. Louis Time. Get on this. Dan, we will have, by the time this drops, Dan will have done his night of comedy.

You stand up there. We have done a headlining set there. Kanane, you should do one for these guys. What is this? Nowhere Comedy Club. Have you done it with those guys? Ben Glebe, it's fantastic. Yeah, you do a set from home.

You do a full stand-up set, and people can buy tickets, and you make real money. It's basically like a 400-person Zoom call, and they turn their volume up enough that you can hear them laughing. You get some laughter. Yeah, you get laughs. It's amazing.

And it's super fun. And we carted out 30 minutes of new material that we've been working on that was so much fun, and then mixed that in with some old bits, and it was a blast. And then we did a little meet and greet afterwards. We made real money. It felt like we did a night on the road. It was really, really good.

What happens when you bomb from your own home? You can at least go home from the club. That's right. Yes. You go to a different room. Now you're just like, oh, I embarrassed myself. Stay here. If they're buying tickets to see you specifically, you will not bomb.

No way, shape, or form. And they'll all be people who will have bought. I mean, Kyle, just talk about your mom wanting to go to the casino. You could go 30 minutes on that. Gamblers. I'm just going full surgeon style with gloves and a mask and penny slots.

You don't need it. You don't need it, though. We'll hook you up if you're interested at all, for real. But for us, in the meantime, fans can get trampolined in a ditch. Cool, man. up if you're interested at all, for real. But for us, in the meantime, fans can get Trampoline in a bitch. That was fun. Cool, man. Okay, you guys ready for this? Yes, yes, yes. Sent in by Carleen McDermott

at SheBeCarleen. Okay. Thank you, Carleen. Thank you. Get ready, everybody. Buckle in. Doctors were left stunned. Oh, no. That's never a good sign. You say that all. They're supposed to have seen things right so i my i don't say the next words in this but i think doctors were left stunned by what they found in this

man's asshole or penis i was gonna go by how many bee stings i was going with a place real my girl like not his fault yeah i got stung by a bee the other day hasn't happened in decades wow that's crazy right my kids my kids are why they watch so much tiktok and they showed me this video So not his fault. Yeah. I got stung by a bee the other day. Hasn't happened in decades. Wow. That's crazy, right? My kids, my kids are watching, they watch so much TikTok and they showed me this video. This made me laugh actually super hard.

I think the guy was from, he's, I'm going to say this. He was from like Southwest Missouri. Okay. He was a white guy with a do-rag and he was basically talking, he was talking in his dialect.

I'd never heard this before ever. And he was just like, it's really funny. Just him saying like, we got, and we, and I keep just trying to say these things that were just so, and I was like, what is he's trying to sound black, but he kind of sounds Cajun. It funny so what people then did which is why i think at times tiktok can be creative is that people use the audio from this guy saying these things and just showed like images of sedated bears falling out of things so we got and there's like a bear like this and like a little

and another one is really funny and one of the things was they showed for each of those things pictures of dogs that had swallowed and been bitten by bees so their mouths were gigantic no and a wink and a ween you know stuff anyway what is it dan docs were doctors were left stunned after a patient who claimed to have eaten headphones turned out that's one way to cancel the noise he turned out to have shoved a two-foot mobile phone charger up his penis. Okay, was I right? You were right. Was I right? I don't know that you want to be. Two feet of a mobile phone charger up his penis.

Is it Apple or Android? You got a thunderbolt on that? For once, I'll be happy that the Apple ergonomic design is smooth and aerodynamic. Was it cube attached? I was just going to say brick attached.

Imagine an Android charger just tearing your wreath up, going in there. Jesus Christ. The man turned up to the hospital in India with severe stomach pain and claimed that he'd eaten a pair of headphones, but the surgeons failed to find it after a lengthy

operation. I love that he thought that was the acceptable thing to tell. Let me trick them. Also, guys, he went all the way with that shameful lie. He went all the way through a big surgery. He's like, maybe I'll just say it's in my stomach. But wait, wouldn't they just do an x-ray first to

check and see? I think we have a flat earth situation. I know you don't believe me, but I'm going to stick. So after the lengthy operation they sent him for an x-ray they went they went they did the reverse so knives out first right ask questions later cut twice measure one cut twice Jesus. The scan revealed a two-foot mobile charger trapped inside the man's bladder. He got up there.

He put it in. How did it go backwards? It just, yeah, I guess. How did it gobble it up? I'll tell you how. Do you know how sometimes when you've got like pants with a drawstring and one of them gets lost in there and you're just kind of moving it around

and pulling it and moving it. So he was pushing it up on his side? I don't know, man. No. What's crazy is that he had it up there and his penis still has no juice. That's right. It emerged that he had shoved the cord up his penis

as part of a bizarre masturbation game that's not a game you thought this was a game not a game not okay we're talking about cords we're talking about practice shane ain't checkers it's i'm gonna jam this all the way up my dick hole real quick i mean if it's if it's a bizarre masturbation game imagine the point where he said to someone what do i win yeah what do i win what would i have to win and by the way this game and how bad would it be if he came close but lost also is it possible to hate the player and the game yes okay good in this scenario dan you can do both you can hate both yes you can stunned surgeon j. Walu Islam said the patient

came to us with severe abdomen pain and told us that he consumed the cable by mistake. We examined his stool and can conducted an end of endocosm endoscopy endoscopy. I don't know.

I lost myself as well, but couldn't find the cable when we operated on him. There was nothing in his gastrointestinal tract. God, It's a type of masturbation. Now, I know about this. It's called sounding,

which is the insertion of an object or liquid into a urethra. People do this traditionally with metal rods. Metal rods and things. I can't imagine a small enough metal rod to even dabble. No, Dan. They call it sounding because it's sounding like you crazy.

I was taping a show and I went to a sex shop in San Francisco. I was looking through the counter. There's all the kind of things you can figure out with your own imagination. I'm like, what's this? And they explained it to me. I kind of physically

got like... Wait, you said, what is this rod? And they said, that's a sounding rod and then told you? Yeah. Yeah. So I saw one in person. Oh, I know. Like, the concept of it gave me pain.

I know. Well, was that at the register, like an impulse buy at the end? It was in the case. I mean, it wasn't just like a... Yeah. Like a mason jar of straws at burger king or something it was they were keeping them some of them are like very slender and like and then there's the you get all the way up to like hagrid's wand like where it's

like too much okay like there shouldn't be topographical shit on the road agreed uh he repeatedly told us he consumed it through his mouth, and we never imagined an adult would lie about such a thing. The person had come to us how many days after he inserted the cable? So I'm going to ask you guys, how many days do you think this guy literally sat on this before he came in and said, I've got to go in and at least lie and hope they figure it out. Kyle, what do you think? Can I just add that if somebody did show up with like an Apple TV

remote in their ass and said it was an accident, that's believable. Yes. 100%. It's just so slippery and you'd be like, well, that's not where I wanted that to go right i would believe but here we are sometimes i sat on a fire stick sometimes i like to be naked in my house the apple apple tv remotes those things get into all kinds of places they do

they squeeze between cushions is what you're trying to say yes they do i where is the apple remote honey between these two questions i don know. I keep hitting the search button. I'm going to go with an even easy number. Shit, no. Weird call from Gardenia coming. No, no. We got you. Didn't interrupt anything.

It was a phone call from Gardenia. How dare they? I'm going to say 10 days. 10 days 10 days Jay what do you think Jason Sklar God that's so long I'm gonna say 3 days

I can't be 10 days I This is what number Is coming up in my brain 53 days Now I know that Sounds crazy But I think it is

But also Soda's putting A 2 foot charging cord In your junk That's what I'm saying Like if he's already Going with that He's got some resilience But also, Soda's putting a two-foot charging cord in your junk. That's what I'm saying. If he's already going with that, he's got some resilience. If it's like 10 days or even 20 days or 50 days, there had to have been some days where he's thought,

I got away with it. I'm fine. It's going to work its way out. Yeah. Okay. We will leave you all here. I just want to know the other podium finishers. What was third and second place?

I know. If you don't win that, you're so upset. Right. Okay. The amount of days that this guy went with a cord in his bladder

that he worked all the way through his penis to get up there. Very true. Tie a knot in the end of it before you try something like this. There you go. Give yourself an anchor. Give yourself something to pull up there. Tying out in the end of it before you try something like this. Give yourself an anchor. Give yourself something to pull back out.

The amount of days was five days. Still pretty bad. Not insane. But also some would say an hour is insane. I would say even trying it is insane. He went to bed five nights being like, I'm fine. I'm going to be okay. What do I have to do tomorrow?

Got to do laundry. Got to take this thing out of my deck. Maybe I'll hike cleaning. Whatever you do, don't plug it in. Yeah. Whenever you do, don't charge it up. Yes. Kyle Kinane.

I cannot wait for all of our fans to check out Trampoline in a Ditch. Hell yeah. And I can't wait to find it, to check it out too. I just love that you're putting your comedy out in this world. You are one of our favorites, and you have an open invitation to the town anytime you want. Can't wait till we can hang out again. Thank you, guys. Yeah, I miss you guys.

That was one of, I think that was probably one of the last outings of comedy I had in Los Angeles. We'll see. When did you guys do that comedy? We did it on March 9th. So, like, that was it. We were there. It was. I left for tour, and then that was the last, on March 9th. So that was it. We were there. It was. I left for tour.

And then that was my last date. I think it was March 13th. I got back and everything was locked down. That was the last time I saw you. Probably the last comedian friends I've seen. Dude, you made us feel so good in a moment where we weren't. So we appreciate you. And that's it.

Oh, shit. When comics you respect bomb. Because you know it's not like they're bad comics. You're like, yeah, guys, isn't it wild? It can still suck. Comedy can still suck and that's what's beautiful about it.

It's the tight wire act. It's the tight wire act that we run. We're still above the ground. We're still 40 feet above the ground. We're still up there. All right. That's it, guys. Oh, shit, we got to get back to work. Stick around. Make a sound. Hunker down.

It's Dumb People Town. Star Bands Audio. Stick around. Make a sound. Hunker down. It's Dump People Town.