Dumb People Town - Kyle Kinane - I'll Butter Your Cat

Episode Date: December 4, 2018

This week, comedian Kyle Kinane ventures to Dumb People Town!In Story 1, a man busts into several homes looking for someone to fight.  Story 2 brings us a bar patron who gets angry after someone turns off Black Sabbath. Story 3 is the tale of an Antarctic stabbing incident that occurred over... book spoilers.

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast Dan with co-host Our man Dan Man, jerk, don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits the funny hits So listen to our podcast band with co-host Armand Dan. Man, don't be a jerk. Cause when the music hits the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, talk your downies. Dumb People Town.

Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Canane. Kyle Canane. Welcome back to Dumb People Town. Yeahulation you? Population Canaan. Kyle Canaan. Welcome back to Dumb People Town. Yeah, guys. What's up? I feel like you live on, you definitely like, you're the park ranger of Dumb People Town.

I feel like you just, you patrol it. You handle the perimeter. You patrol it. You handle the perimeter. You're in the woods just making shit. Fire's extinguished by 1030, kids. All right. Be safe. You can throw one beer can in there to find out it was a mistake,

but I see another one in there and be pretty pissed. I'm going to come back around. Literally, you are the park ranger of Dumb People Town. A lot of times I've done that at my cabin. Really? Oh, yeah, that's a pro move. That's a pro move, right? Everybody's sitting around, and you just drop a Coors Light into the fire.

Maybe one other guy sees and gives you a nod, and you wait for the hiss to give you a two-second. To get out of there. We did that in the Wisconsin Dells right as the little ranger pulled up. And everybody was already next to the fire, so we couldn't run from it. We're like, please leave. Please leave. Please leave.

Oh, we will be spotted with scars. Dan, are you in the Dells? We're just northeast of the Dells, just a little bit. You got a cabin? Yeah, we have a cabin like an hour north of Madison. I'm jealous of this. It's the best. Let him go to the cabin.

Open invite, dude. I was just at one in Lake Arrowhead this weekend. I'm like, a fireplace? I don't think I need more than this. No, you don't. One of my most annual. No, you don't. You can get in on this.

Rory Scoville and I have like an annual conversation, let's plan a weekend at Comedy on State together and then just go to your cabin. We did that! The only people who have taken advantage of it. It's like the perfect size. And we watched a college football game at the local bar, Yahoo's.

Yeah, with Jeff. What town is it? Montello. I think they should update the name of that bar to Googles. I do too. It used to be Jeeves. Jeeves? Ask Jeeves. Dan, this is how connected I feel to that area.

I was talking to someone who talked about a trip that they had just taken. Kind of they went to, he was like, we went to the Wisconsin Dells, then we went over to the Badlands, then we went to Mount Rushmore. I was like, Wisconsin Dells? Those are my Dells. I've never been there. And I was like, oh, I know those. I've seen a sign for the House on the Rock.

Yeah, I know. Someone told me House on the Rock, we got to go. People love it. House on the Rock is right outside of Madison, right? No, it's, well, yes. Yeah, directly. Indirectly and directly. It's like Wisconsin.

You're like, oh, just go over there. Tommy Bartlett is the Donald Trump of Wisconsin. Tommy Bartlett's robot world and ski show. I would throw, like, whenever I worked up there, like, oh, there's Tommy Bartlett's Planned Parenthood. We got Tommy Bartlett's Bank of America. Why is he dipping a toe into this world? Old Tommy B. had a handle on things.

I've been to all of his shows. All of them. Tommy Bartlett is like, could he be the king of Wisconsin? Very much so. Oh, yeah. If it was a monarchy. Also, doesn't the accent really take an edge off of the whole making a murderer thing? Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. I don't know. We went over there and then we burned a cat. We found a little bit of DNA in the trunk there. I dropped the key in the trailer. I still want a bratwurst while I'm watching the whole thing. Every episode should start with just a beer can opening. All right.

Well, we got dumbness. The world is getting dumber as we've all opined in every single scenario that we've ever come up with. Damn it! It is getting dumber. I thought it was going to get better since the last time I was here. I think it's taking a turn for the worse. All we have is our comedy, Kyle Kinane, and stories sent in to us by our amazing fans. Daniel, let's jump into one.

Okay, here we go. Ready? This was sent in by supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.joey. You were close. Joseph. It should have been Joseph. Can we please ask you to- I don't want to punch you. That's why I like him.

He took us on a ride. Joey. At Joey tweeted is the handle. He took us on a ride and then just stopped right before the end. Yeah. He knows what he's doing. All right. A drunken shirtless man.

So you're already auditioning for an episode of Cops. Lacrosse. I'm saying lacrosse Wisconsin. That's right. A drunken shirtless man. Allegedly barged into several Pensacola homes looking for a fight before running into a fence and knocking himself out. Okay. Well, that was, he died doing what he loved most.

I know he's not dead. He's not dead, but he died in peace. He's gonna die doing what he loves most, looking for a fight. Did you... You never... Nobody got fighting drunk? I've never gotten fighting drunk.

Have you gotten fighting drunk? I've gotten I'm ready to get my ass kicked drunk. Well, that's a different type of drunk. Because I knew I wasn't gonna win. Right. But you wanted to fight? Shirt off? I'm a little guy with a smart mouth,

and it was more seeing, like, who's really gonna swing on me? Right? Because I can make you. I can make you wanted to fight i'm a little guy with a smart mouth and it was more seeing like who's really gonna swing on me right because i can make you i can make you want a bar in chicago where you at oh boy which which one wasn't i at i i've only been angry drunk one time and i was more just like irritable than it and i was at a bar and on lincoln avenue in chicago yeah but dan if you were drunk oh yeah, yeah, Rose is a good one. Is that the one that had a liquor store attached to it, like Package Goods? No, that's... No, I know Rose isn't. Yeah, that one's in like Wicker Park. Package Goods was down the street.

Yeah, but like if you get drunk and you see an injustice happening, though, you will definitely insert yourself in. You would step in and fuck with the person who's... Oh, yeah, 100%. You have to serve justice. But that's with a point. I mean, I'm more like irritable or I'm like, you know what, if you want to hit me, go ahead because it's going to be like the third worst thing

that happened to me today. Well, maybe that's what this guy is thinking. That's a point too. Steve Martin at the airport in Planes, Trains, and Automobiles kind of drunk. We're like, what are you going to do about it? And he gets punched in the face. But there's a difference because there is a logic in that.

There is, maybe not what Steve Martin did, but getting drunk at a bar and provoking other drunk people. To go shirtless into homes where people aren't necessarily drinking. Yeah, you're not expecting it. If you're at a bar. Looking for a fight. Looking for a fight. If you're at a bar and someone's like, go ahead, hit me.

I think most people at the bar are like, here we go. Yeah. This is what you expect. You expect to see this at a fight. Looking for a fight? If you're at a bar and someone's like, go ahead, hit me, I think most people at the bar are like, here we go. Yeah. This is what you expect. You expect to see this at a bar. But if you walk into a house where someone's doing the dishes and someone's saying, I'll put the baby down, you do these dishes, and then where someone's looking for a fight. Let's go, bitch. That doesn't feel right. Sometimes some people just become writing prompts for others.

Exactly. I might live in a community of creative people that don't know that yet, and I'm going to give them a great story to start with. Here we go. Christopher Doyle Norman. Christopher Doyle Norman. Christopher Doyle Norman. It's a middle name.

Could have been the end of his name. Christopher Doyle. Getting drunk and taking your shirt off could have been the end of the night. Instead, he went one more last night. Also, he's like, call me Doyle again. I'm sure he said that. Say Doyle to my face. Say Doyle to my face.

When you barged in here saying Doyle, so why would I have said it? I would have never said it anyway. I'm sorry, what did you call me? No, I didn't call you anything. What did you just call me? You came in and said, I'm Christopher Doyle Norman. What did you just call me? Your full name.

What was it? I feel like you're looking for a fight. Say it. I swear to God I'll run into that back and fence. That was my thing as a bouncer, too. I would always try to very objectively tell the person, I was like, I feel like you want to fight tonight. And then they would be like, maybe I do.

You don't know me. Or the best was when somebody would be like, fuck I do. Like, you don't know me. Or the best was when somebody would be like, fuck you, you fucking piece of shit. And I'd be like, that hurts my feelings. A drunk person who's angry now has, wait, what? Like, that hurt me when you called me that night. I have to account for you? Right, because they wanted you to come back. And if you don't, then they're, like, very perplexed.

It's the old NBA move. What do you mean that hurt your feelings don't tell me that hurt don't tell me now i have to tell me what upset you tell me about your dad sometimes i would do that be like i wouldn't kick a person out i would ask them if they i couldn't hear them if we're in the bar i'm like i can't hear you can just come outside tell me the rest of the story we'll figure it all out and then then I'd be like, well, now we're up. It's a roadhouse move. That is a... Talk the anger out of him. Yeah.

Being a door guy, man, it made me a good dad someday. Okay, let's talk it out. Let's talk it out. Let's go outside. Taking your kids outside. Christopher Doyle... I leave him there. You live outside now.

Cool off, buddy. Christopher Doyle Norman was arrested Tuesday night for numerous offenses including home invasion battery burglary larceny and criminal mischief that's the cycle that is batting for the cycle i take a criminal mischief charge that sounds playful that to me is my favorite of all charges i feel like you guys should see what he looks like as we tell his story because it criminal mischief is taking a shit in the fountain. Am I right? Is that criminal mischief? Yes. That's what it is. That's just making a stand.

Not taking a stand. It's making a stand. Or solving a problem. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Criminal mischief is like moving all the almond peanut M&Ms and the peanut M&Ms, just switching them up like in a store. And just like, sir, you cannot. You just created a bunch more work for somebody.

Sir, you cannot. And he's just like, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle. What? I'm not doing anything. Okay. I'm going to show you this dude, Christopher Doyle Norman. Are we going to know less about him having seen or are more questions at his age? I'm going to go as far as say I could show you this picture, not read another word from this article, and we would still get it about 10 minutes out of it.

By the way, for everybody listening, the picture will be on the Facebook page. If you are listening to this podcast and you haven't joined the Facebook page, what are you doing? And you haven't joined the drip either. Do that. Get on it. All right, let's do it. That's how you do it. I could have guessed his name in three tries, I think.

He looks like a fight. He looks like a fight. He looks like he's sunburned in a way that means he passed out in the sun. Yeah. He's still thinking boy bands are going to be a thing. He is a type of guy. He has like a line beard. Yeah, well.

Honestly, could be a very handsome man. Could be a handsome man. Oh, yeah. Good jawline. Could be a handsome man if he stopped letting his friend cut his hair. Okay. Here's what happened. Norman allegedly began his rampage.

Don't give him that much credit. Rampage to me. Rampage is just a great movie. It's not something you do. Rampage is just a very original non-King Kong based movie. You steal a tank when there's a rampage. Yes. Then you were in Rampage.

You were in Rampage. He allegedly began his rampage by kicking open a gate in the 2000 block of Langley Avenue, approaching a person who was sitting outside their mobile home and punching them in the head. One time. That person's going to be okay. Well, by the way, in a mobile park, I would assume that you would expect that to maybe happen. If you're sitting outside a mobile home, you should have your hands up ready to block the door. At least clenched.

I'm not going to go at somebody in a mobile home. I'm not going at somebody in a mobile home, you should have your hands up ready to block a punch. At least clenched. I'm not going to go at somebody in a mobile home. I'm not going at somebody in a mobile home, but I do like the idea of a gate, like an easily openable boundary. Like just a little latch. I'm not going at a guy in a mobile home. I'm just saying this is the kind of thing that can happen.

Just be ready. Be ready. In the same way that if you were in a bar and someone said let's go, your attitude wouldn't be. If you were living in a mobile home, though, you're not ready for anything. He allegedly then damaged a ladder. And, like, what the? I hope the owner was like, the ladder, man. He took out his keys and scratched Doyle.

There's so much damage to that ladder. He's like, call me C.D. Someone's about to catch that criminal mischief charge. I bet he kicked the thing that the ladder folds with. He bent it so it can't fully fold back up. He allegedly then damaged the ladder and the exterior door of the residence before moving on to the home next door. He's like the Grinch.

Yeah. There, as I've started to call him and will forevermore, C.D. allegedly fell through an open front door, which means he tried to bang on it and it was already open. Fell through a screen? Oh, no, he just fell into an open door. Fell through an open door. By the way.

Screen comedy isn't given enough credit. Falling through screens. No. Running through screens. Everybody's been at a sliding party with a sliding door and somebody's drunk and walked right into it. That is insane. That gag is not going to get a good one.

That gag is always great. It is always great. I'll never forget 1994, San Francisco. We were just come out from where we were in New York visiting friends. We were at a party. We'd eaten pot cookies. And we were super high sitting in this party where there were in New York visiting friends. We were at a party. We'd eaten pot cookies. And like, we were super high sitting in this party where there were

all these like pumpkin pies and stuff. Everything was, we had just seen the movie Baraka at the Red Vic Theater. You know, that like silent movie that was just like pictures of Japanese mecocks. I've never heard of it. Baraka's like on. At least you called it. I'm like, oh yeah. Baraka's like on. Go see it.

Baraka, sure. Go get high and watch Baraka. It's one of the most unbelievable movies to see at that point. There's a shirt. And then put a screen door between you and a bunch of pumpkin pies. And a woman was walking from outside of a patio in the inside. And we saw it coming from about 11. We saw it happening as if it was slow motion and nobody could do anything. We didn't have the words to use to be like, stop, stop, stop.

And she just slammed into it. And it was was I am so sorry to say hilarious and it's not a it's not a high budget prank nope you can replace this she was fine by the way nobody gets hurt she was surprised and embarrassed and we did

give her a hug afterwards but I mean the idea of falling through an open door to me could be the title to this guy's autobiography. Falling through open doors. So CD falls through the open front door. One of the residents inside this home grabbed a hammer and ordered CD Norman to leave. See, this guy was ready.

Or gal was ready. I think there was just a hammer around. APV. He allegedly left. They I think there was just a hammer around. Maybe. He allegedly left. They used a hammer to pry on the sink. Okay, wait a minute. Wait a minute. You said, I think there's just a hammer on.

He was opening Coors Light. Yeah, that's my sink hammer. Grab me the sink hammer. That is, by the way, the best part about a mobile home is that stuff is always close to you. Yes, very true. You say it's around. It was there in its place. No one's going to say, go upstairs and get my

good hammer. No. It's right there and you get it. He allegedly left the trailer park. So this person cleared him out of the whole park. He hammered him out of the park. While yelling, quote, he would, quote, I know I said it twice, he would, quote, come back

and burn the trailer down. Now that's ominous. That's a CD threat right there. That's a big bad wolf. Norman allegedly went to a nearby apartment complex and began knocking on a door. When the resident answered, a shirtless Norman allegedly began yelling at the resident to fight him. Fight me. Nope, I'm busy right now.

Fight me. I've got spaghetti on. Fight me. Mike won't bring busy right now. Fight me. I've got spaghetti on. Fight me. That won't bring your dad back. You start. My first thought, if I saw that, was like, wow, Jehovah's Witness stepping up their game. This is really a whole new ballgame. Fight me.

When the resident closed and locked the door, which means he vampired it. Like, he observed the threshold this time. I didn't invite you in Right Yeah you can't come in Just knock the guy open Fight me Nope thanks

Close the door and lock it He's a new vampire And that's why he could Fall through the screen door That's kind of like An invite if it's a screen door Walk past a mirror Didn't see himself

After the person Closed and locked the door Norman allegedly began To ram the door With his shoulder Causing damage To the door and frame It stops there Because he obviously Couldn to ram the door with his shoulder, causing damage to the door and frame.

It stops there because he obviously couldn't break the door down. Very hard to do. Jason Sklar did it once and is still proud of himself. He will tell us the story now. My one and a half year old daughter locked herself in our bedroom and we were outside the, I mean, trying so hard to explain to her that she needed to unlock the door to get through. She could not understand it. She started screaming and crying.

And I'm like, I'm taking this down. Literally thinking to myself, I'm going to bounce off this, like, very light door and embarrass myself in front of everyone. Took it off the frame. Into the room. It felt like a fireman. It was awesome. You backdrafted that door. I backdrafted it.

You checked that door for me? Flattened is one and a half years old. I mean, just flattened her under the door. But I felt great about being able to knock it in. How good did you feel, Jay? There was a moment where I was like, where is she, where is she, where is she? Holy shit, I just did that.

And I feel great. And then we cleaned her up and everything was good. Allegedly moved on to another residence where he walked in through a closed but unlocked door. He's figured it out. Walked through that time. That's right. By the way,

why would you not lock your door? I'm not blaming the victim, but lock your fucking door. Every time a community's like, we used to not lock our doors in this community, and you paid the price. That's right.

And then someone was murdered. This jackass walks in. That's why the lock exists. That's right. I mean, Golden State Killer. He allegedly moved on to another residence where he walked through the closed

but unlocked door and began yelling for the apartment's two male occupants to fight him. At this point in the story, I— He wants to get hit. Kyle can tell you, when you want to get hit, you want to get hit. Maybe he's a little heartbroken. Why can't we— A little bit.

Maybe he's a little heartbroken. For 20 years. And he's trying to feel something else. I want to feel something. Why can't he walk into a spider— Put me in prison. At least somebody I want to feel something. Why can't he walk into a spider? Put me in prison. At least somebody's got to touch me. A spider has caught the fly situation, like Pulp Fiction.

He's asking for this. He wants it. He could live under a cell underneath someone's bed for the next 10 years. So he walks in, starts yelling for the two apartments male occupants to fight him. He allegedly began chasing the victims around a table, unable to catch them. He then threw a lamp at them and missed. And I hope they were like, now go. Now you did it.

You've broken a goddamn lamp. Get out. Mom always said, don't play ball in the house. Wait, but there are moments like this where, truthfully, hopefully, none of us will ever experience this in a lifetime, ever. The guy walking in the house, fight me, throwing a lamp at anyone and leaving. Agreed. Can we consider that a victory in our lives

now that we know this is even possible? That we haven't had it happen to us? And that it won't happen. And that somebody will walk into your residence? Yeah. I was in New York at a friend's apartment and I didn't realize their door, because I was just staying on the couch.

And the son of the landlord, which was this blackout, drunk Polish guy, just walked in. Yeah. And then was just, it was like seeing a bear confused. Yeah. Because I was like, I don't know if he's violent or not. Yeah. But he's just looking around like, this isn't where. Yeah.

But there was no English. I'm like, can I help you? And he's just looking around like, this isn't where. But there was no English. I'm like, can I help you? And he's just like, ah, and red-faced and drunk. And I'm like, kind of. You pull your jacket up to make yourself seem bigger. As big as you can. Clap loud. Do I play dead?

The TV's still on, though. That kind of gives away. And just him going, ah. And I'm like, I eventually made like, I was like, shoo. I was like making shooing noises at an adult man. Like, you go, you go, shoo. Hey, bear. Go on, get out.

I had a same day in Chicago. They weren't having a party, so I didn't know, but they had people over, and somebody had just, they obviously went to go smoke a cigarette in their car, and then they didn't go up to the high enough deck, you know, all of our back decks in Chicago. Of course. And the guy just walked. Burger time some frat guys back there.

I know. And he just walked in, and I'm in the kitchen, and I'm like, hey. And he's like, where are we? I go, you're not wherever you're not where you're supposed to be. I'm fine. And he, like, confused, turned around, and just walked back up. Well, they don't apologize, but you know they're harmless. Right. Okay. All right. Just leave. And he confused, turned around, and just walked back up. Well, they don't apologize, but you know they're harmless.

Right. Okay. All right. I love the lack of apology is like the guy who doesn't wave when you let him in. Yeah, yeah. Those people. I love that Kyle, I think, played that the best with the drunken redfish Polish dude. You didn't play dead.

You played that you were dead inside. Yeah, that's smart. I got nothing to live for either, but. Exactly. So then he's smart. I got nothing to live for either, but. Exactly. So then he's like, there's nothing here. In the worst case of Polish jokes coming to life, though, they also, when my friend moved in, they installed a new door lock for his apartment with the keyhole on the inside of the apartment.

Yay! Push button in the hallway. Perfect. It's like, you know there's jokes about you guys, right? You guys are not helping the situation at all. So, Doyle Norman... Why were they late for work? Comes in,

the escalator broke down. Chases these people... I can finish the rest of the hour with these guys. Chases these two dudes around a table, then throws a lamp. According to the report, Norman then grabbed a slice of pizza before chasing one of the victims into a bedroom and snatching a landline phone from another victim who was trying to call 911.

The fact that these guys have a landline, that makes me suspect them more than anything. What are you doing? Like, if this guy was hunting for his wife who was kidnapped, you'd be like, all this kind of seems justified. He's just on a rampage. This is the shittiest Harrison Ford movie ever.

D.D. Norman then allegedly, yeah, but it's a great Liam Neeson movie, swung the phone at the victim several times, connecting once with the back of his head. Norman then chased the man outside and around the apartment complex before running into a chain fence, knocking it down, and passing out on top of it.

That is... And I hope the guy he was chasing walked back, kicked him one time in the ribs, and went back in his own head. He walked out the door. Kick him in the ribs. I wonder if I would start stomping on his face. No, you would not. Just for fun.

You'd roll him up in the fence. Can we acknowledge if you do just yell, give me back my son, in any situation of getting kicked out of a bar or something? It would kind of make a game. I think a lot of people would run to your rescue. Hey, wait a minute. He lost something. His son is gone.

That or just, I didn't kill my wife. Sir, you've just been over-served. He's a fugitive. I say that all the time. Deputies arrived at the scene to find Norman unresponsive and seemingly under the influence of alcohol. They were able to handcuff him without further incident,

though he allegedly made vague threats to the deputies during his arrest. Somebody's gonna regret what they're doing tomorrow. I'm gonna come back. I'll butter your cat. What? What does that mean? You better recognize I've got a steel A steel dream

And a nightmare in your heart I'll shampoo and condition Your Ford Taurus No I don't know what that means That is a good thing actually About to rinse and repeat that ass No

We're gonna get to play this A couple times today So let's start now I'm gonna ask you guys How old is Christopher Doyle Norman? Too much fun leaves marks in life. Living hard, you'll pay the

price. Who is gonna get it right? Guess the age. Guess the age. And you showed us his picture. Now you can go first. Is that an eyebrow ring or is it the cursor? Because an eyebrow ring is usually a real good... That was the picture. And you showed us his picture. And I showed you his picture. Now, you can go first. Is that an eyebrow ring or is it the cursor? Because an eyebrow ring is usually a real good.

That was the cursor. Okay. But if I can dig into Photoshop and give him a ton of piercing. Give him some stuff. Now, an eyebrow ring is always like, ooh. I'm covered in bad tattoos and I can look at that and go, you can take that out. He doesn't have a bad. He looks like someone who just discovered the band 311.

Oh, yeah. Like he just found out about them and he's like, have you heard these guys? Because the stripper he fell in love with still dances to them. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He just found out about them, and he's like, have you heard these guys? Because the stripper he fell in love with still dances to them. That's right, that's right. That chinstrap beard is strong, though. She comes original.

Okay, do you want to go first, Tig, which is second, or third, Kyle Kinney? In terms of guessing. Let me just go first. I want to give him like a... Let me see that picture again. You got it.

Let me see this fella. This guy, this fella. Ooh, you know what? He looks like a hard 31. All right. Jason or Randy Sklar? He literally, if he wasn't who he was, and it was someone I know,

he could be a dad of a kid at my school, and he's like 46. But I am going to tell you that he's 26. 26. This guy could be 14. of a kid at my school and he's like 46 yeah but i am gonna tell you that he's 26 26 this guy could be 14 yeah there's a 20 party there's a 20 year swing on this guy's look to age i think this guy's 39 okay and i think he has had enough and he just got a lot of anger it's all coming up but this is like fight me but he's got Just For Men and the neatly groomed beard. He does. 39 can pull that off. So 39, you say 31, and I say 26.

One of you is only one year old. Get your answers in now, Townies, because Christopher Doyle Norman is 32 years old. Kyle Kavane. Walks in and just walks off. That's like 31, and he got dumped a week before. He's had a hard week. Normally, by Florida standards, very handsome. Yes.

That's a Florida catch right there. That's a cola 32 is rest of the country 58. The Florida eight. All right, there you go. All right, look, first story down in the books. He can take down a gator. He can take down a gator. He can wrassle a gator if he needed to.

In a manner of, you know, just being a gentleman. Well, maybe he'll learn about sunscreen in jail. Yeah, I doubt it. All right, that's the first story down in the books. Kyle Kinane is with us. We have two more stories. I'm so excited. Stay with jail. Yeah, I doubt it. All right. That's the first story down in the books. Kyle Kinane is with us. We have two more stories. I'm so excited. Stay with us.

We'll be right back. Stick around. Make a sound for more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to Dumb People Town. We should read some drip names, shall we? Let's do it. Yeah, let's do that.

Drippy names. We've got some drip names. Thank you guys so much. Before we do the drip names, I want to mention a couple dates that are's do that. Drippy names. We've got some drip names. Thank you guys so much. Before we do the drip names, we want to mention a couple dates that are really important to us. Yes, for all of us. Randy and I are headlining

at Flappers Comedy Club in Burbank. Yep. Someone just told me they walked by. And saw the poster there. And saw the poster. On December 20th,

we're going to have some good people on that show. People who've come on and done this show as our support acts. It's going to be a lot of fun. Please come out to that. It's not a huge club. We'd love to fill it with

townies and stuff. Come on, it's the holiday season. If you're in LA, come to that. Exactly. Guys, I have more dates for the Together Tour. I'm going to close out the year here with a couple in Oklahoma City and San Antonio, Texas on December 13th and December 14th. So, townies, if you're in San Antonio, you're in Oklahoma City,

come see me. Go to danielvankirk.com for those tickets and let's hang out together. Do that. Let's read some names. Let's read some loving boys. I'm getting off my high hog here. There you go. Now that person knows.

We haven't even said it. I'm getting off the high hog. Dan Hogg. Wernim Hogg. Jake Luralz. Jake Luralz. You'll never find. Ooh, look at you guys.

Corey G. Corey G. An unknown, unsung hero of early rap in the 90s. That's right, Corey G. I love this next person because they have two last names. Freeman Fisher. There you go. Is it Fisher Freeman or Freeman Fisher?

He sounds like a slot receiver on any NFL team right now. What is Freeman Fisher's 40 time? 4.3? Especially Freeman Fisher up there. The most top levels. You got to do this with a Chicago accent. I don't know if he's from here, but Dan Witzke. Dan Witzke.

Good old Dan Witzke. And his dad goes by Danny. Danny. So it's like his dad, Danny Witzke, and his son Dan. And then his grandson, Daniel. Chris Jones. Chris Jones. Driving that train out on cocaine.

Chris Jones, you better Watch your speed I love when you guys Get symbiotic like that Mary Kathleen Robert Robert Robert or Robit

Robit Robit Robit Robit M-K-R Robettes Robettes I want to thank Kyle Shea

As well Kyle Shea Butter Joseph Vandry I'm in quite a Vandry these days Well you better be Because that's my cousin Yay

And you know where he lives? Where? St. Louis Oh my god Love him What's up Joe Love you brother Hey you want to hear something

That's really cool A week late podcast These guys are great supporters of ours They constantly We've never said it enough We can take this moment To say how great they are They promote almost every episode

That we do They really do Check out their Follow them on Twitter That's a week late podcast Thank you guys Jeffrey Bryan Two first names No Davis Promote almost every episode that we do. They really do. Check out their stuff. Follow them on Twitter. That's a week late podcast. Thank you guys. Jeffrey Bryan, two first names.

No Davis. Jeffrey Bryan and Freeman Fisher need to get together and just swap one name. Give each other one first name. The next person, this sounds like a Deadwood character. That's right. Danielle Harlow. Danielle Harlow. Single mom, shot all of her husbands. I've been reading all of them.

Have you read all the Harlow novels? I have. I want to raise these kids alone, goddammit. Daniel Judge. Daniel Judge. I'll be the Daniel of that. I love all these. We got a Danielle, a Dan, a Daniel.

Are you ready for this? David Woolfile. Woolfile. Woolfile? Woolfile. File. Woolfile. I don't know.

And then how great is this one? If this guy did not play in the NBA in 1997. I'm going to add the third at the end of his name. You are? If this guy did not play in the NBA in 1997. I'm going to add a the third at the end of his name. You are? You ready? Yeah, go for it. You do it.

Okay. Buckley Wilkinson. The third. You know this guy. He was like. 320 pounds in the center and could still dunk. He was the eighth man on the Celtics. He was Escalade before Escalade was Escalade.

All right. Let's get back into the show. Thank you guys, everyone, for that. And we want to remind people, next Monday, live at Largo. December 10th. December 10th. Get your tickets now. The 100th Dumb People Town. Will Forte is our guest.

Ted Leo will be playing music. It's going to be fun. That'll be really fun. Theodore Leodore. Theodore Leodore. Love him. He's so great. And then another live opportunity for you guys is at Sketch Fest in San Francisco on

January 11th at 10.30 p.m. Cobbs Comedy Club. Ron Funches. It's going to be bunches of Funches. And that's also kind of your birthday party. Well, it will be because I guess we won't start right at 10.30. My guess is maybe we'll start a little after. At midnight, we'll all sing happy birthday.

To Randy. Right? Do you guys ever just break off? I'm going to do my own thing. Yeah, we have. We totally have. But we do share a lot of friends. So it's like, well, we might as well just all get together.

Get a big party going. And then who's got the more friends? Well, we do. At the end of the night, we break down who came for who. Right. And so that was one of my roast jokes for Jason. We still celebrate our birthday together, you know, just to give the illusion that Jason has friends.

Has anybody booked just one of you for a show? No, that's never happened. I kind of thought like, hey, Jason. No, but I will say this. We don't need it. We don't need what Randy brings. Randy didn't make it to Canada once. Oh, yeah.

Did we tell you that story? That was unbelievable. So Randy forgot to update. Speaking of dumb people town, Randy forgot. Wait, you know what? Let's save that as a drip episode. Oh, okay. All right, yeah, we'll throw that into the drip.

If you want to hear the story about Randy and his giant mistake, we will share that. How much bullshit does customs give you, though? The most. Like when they're like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. No. This is what they're designed for. Like, they're like, give me one of these a day, and then I'm so happy to do this. Right.

All right. Let's see. Anything we're pimping or promoting for you. Live shows or. Kyle Kinane. I ain't doing shit the rest of the year. Okay. Okay.

All right. But in the new year, you got stuff. And if they go to KyleKinane.com. I think I'm in Nashville at the end of January. Right. I love it. That's good. Good for you.

Kyle Cadet. And he's part of the news. So remember that everybody. He's so good on those who can't. We're also on that show. New season launches in January. So watch that. January 14th.

On True TV. Everyone here should be watching that and emailing into True TV to tell them to give them another season. Okay. Let's do it. You ready?

Yep. Sent in by Jake Magnuson at Jake Magnuson, N-U-S-O-N. Jake for Jake. This story is a couple years old, but it's great. I don't care.

I don't either. I don't care. We don't need to be topical. No, I'm saying it because usually if someone sends me a story that isn't within a month old, I've seen it.

You've already seen it. It's about a two-year-old last week who went into trailer homes trying to fight people. With a hammer. Trying to fight other babies. Madison, Wisconsin. A Madison man was arrested Thursday afternoon after

throwing a beer bottle at a bartender who changed the bar's music from Black Sabbath to Christmas music. This is metal. It's the most wonderful time of the year. I'm with the guy so far. Right.

I'm not totally off. I mean, there is always a moment. I remember we were sitting in like a giant lecture hall at University of Michigan. I was sitting with a buddy, Matt Kapusta, who was drinking a Coke. This is back, I think, when they only came in glass bottles.

He said to me, he's like, how weird, how different would this glass... Did you go to college in the 30s? Yeah. No, there were cans back then. But he had a bottle. He had a bottle of something. You know what you think it was always glass when you were in college? Gatorade. Gatorade used to only be glass.

So he had a glass bottle. That's it. It was a Snapple. It was very safe for courtside beverage. Maybe it was a Snapple. It was a glass bottle of something. And he was like, how different would this glass be if I threw this bottle at our professor right now? Whoa.

And I was like, he's like, I'm not going to, but how, that would be the thing we'd all talk about for a long time. I was like, that would get you thrown in jail. This person didn't have that filter that said, don't do this thing. If you're going to turn off Sabbath... But Friday night

in a bar. Or what night did it say? Thursday night. So it wasn't the Sabbath technically for any religion. But let me say this and this is the truth here. Why would you ever turn off like Black Sabbath?

Like wait for the song to come to the end. You know what I mean? Is that what he did just like in the middle of the song? I feel like seeing this bartender get hit by a bottle of water.

I can't think of anything more Black Sabbath than that. Well, Madison Police responded to Farm Tavern Bar at 1701 Moorland Road just before 4 p.m. for reports of a disturbance involving a man who had just left according to a release. You throw a bottle, you get out. That's a walk-off right there.

The reason I said this is old is because this came out right before Christmas, like two or three years ago. When we were in Madison. Late December. Dude, it could have been when we were in Madison. Christopher W. Gambeck. Gambeck. Give me your best bet.

G-A-M-B-O-E-C-K. Gambeck. Gambeck? Yeah. Gambeck. If there was an I there, I'd know Gamback. O-E is an A. Gamback?

Gamback. Gamback? Gamback. 21-inch neck on his shirt. Right. Who patrons described as intoxicated and violent. I mean, that's his band right there. Intoxicated and violent is a Black Sabbath cover band.

Got upset when the bartender changed the music from Black Sabbath to Christmas music. Maybe he was just a little paranoid. Maybe I don't get that little guy ever. Gammack reportedly chugged his bottle of beer and slammed it down on the counter after swearing at the bartender. Gammack then threw the beer bottle in the direction of the bartender's head.

I'm going to show you guys a picture. This guy now has a story for every, wherever he goes, any other bar. So this motherfucker turns off Sabbath. I slam down my bottle and I throw it out. The bartender also has PTSD any time carolers come

to their house. Hit the deck! They're also mad because it was a bottle of Blatz and you got a return on this. Oh, wow. All right. Come on. I'm going to show you this guy.

He is every man by himself at a metal concert. Okay. Yes. He kind of looks like a character that... Like a guy who would throw a beer bottle at a bartender? A character that Jemaine Clement has never played. Yeah, that looks like methed out Bill Hader. It is definitely like, he definitely can.

And metalheads, true metalheads, Christmas is the enemy of your entire existence. Oh, yes. It's joyful, and it's white instead of black. And it's a celebration of Christ's birth, who you're a Satanist if you're a true metalhead. Absolutely. He's had enough. He's trying to be part of society. He's like, enough, enough.

Honestly, that bartender infringed on his religious right to be a Satanist. I'm always on their side. His expression, too, is like, do you take it? Huh? Did you take the photo or not? Why is it so bright in here? Do you understand your rights?

Are you serious? I understand all of it. He looks like the lead singer of the Crash Chess Dummies went on an eight-year bender. Which you would if you kept singing that one song. Don't. Can I please write some words? Nope. Other patrons stepped in to keep him from a songwriter.

What did you write? The mmm song? This is just a placeholder. Please write some words. Nope. Other patrons stepped in to keep him from songwriting. He's like, no, this is... What'd you write? The mmm song? This is just a placeholder. We'll actually put real words in there later. That guy has, like, what's the songwriter's union? Ass cap? Yeah.

That guy's got ass cap royalties from the mmm song. Yeah. That's so sad. Other patrons stepped in to keep him from going behind the bar. He is mad at Christmas music. I love it. As he circled the bar with his fist clenched, police said. Kyle is absolutely right.

Christmas is the antithesis of Christmas. This guy thought he was getting away from it. Right. That's why he was in a bar at 4 p.m. He's feeling poked and prodded the whole Yuletide season. He's not at a Macy's at 4 p.m. I'll say this. He's at a bar at 4 p.m.

As a Jew, the amount of Christmas music everywhere can be a little bit much. I'm siding with the Satanists. As a pagan. I side with the pagan. Have you ever been to the All Christmas Bar all the time? I'm going to guess it's in the Valley. Is it Oshkosh? No, no, no.

Oh, no. I literally thought you were going to say Solvang. No, no, no. No, it's not like it's just... It's still a dive bar, but it's Christmas all the time. Oh, yes. It's not Eau Claire. It's...

It is... It's Kenosha? Appleton. It's in Appleton. Where I bought my first car. Oh, okay. 72 Chevelle. Did you ever play that club?

Appleton, Wisconsin. I did, yeah. That's why I was at that bar. Really? It's just Christmas. Yeah, it's just Christmas all the time. Do they ever get sick of it? And you just look at people's eyes and they are dead.

Yeah. We live in Appleton. Yeah, so we kind of don't have a choice. My guess is that- Bondulak looks down on us. We got a tolerance for things around here. Got a high threshold. This guy, middle of December or holiday season, I'm going to guess, left without wearing a coat,

never had a coat. Oh, no. This is a guy who probably doesn't wear a coat. Dirty long underwear underneath a t-shirt. Yeah, definitely a no-coat guy. Dirty long underwear could have been his heavy metal man. But keeps getting offered one. By the way, I wanted to come,

I was watching a commercial on TV. You cold? No, I'm mad. Those aren't similar feelings. No, no, you actually, I saw just a whole

commercial about people having dirty CPAPs and I thought dirty CPAP would be the best 2018 punk band name. Dirty CPAP.

And then I was like, let's come up with like 2018 punk band name. And then someone said Tainted Rom I was like, let's call it like 2018 punk band. And then someone said Tainted Romaine and I said Romaine Taint. Don't. Romaine Taint,

I think. Romaine Taint. That's a metal band. Yeah. Open for Romeo Void. And DC Paps. DC Paps. DC Paps.

Dirty CPAP. So I did misread here. Madison Police responded just before 4 p.m. on Christmas Eve. Oh, wow. And he is just before 4 p.m. on Christmas Eve. And he is done with that music. What are all of his family and friends going to say when they do it? Actually, ready for my favorite part of this story?

Other patrons stepped in to keep him from going behind the bar. If you start a sentence with his wife, I'm going to walk out of here. With his fist punch? No, better. That is when Gamback's uncle eventually got him to the door. You know he's sentence with his wife. I'm going to walk out of here. With his fist clutch? No, better. That is when Gamback's uncle eventually got him to the door. You know he's there with his uncle. And they look nothing alike. Like his uncle has like a nice one of those like flexi gold watches. Oh, you think that's it?

Yeah, but he's like his drinking nephew and he wants to drink. So they both have a mutual shared. He's got on like a Christmas sweater or something. They have a shared interest to get out of that goddamn house and go drink. Let's go down to the bar. We could either play winter golf or go down and have something to drink. Let's go down and play golden tea and let's go.

Chris, stop it. No, Chris, stop it. Hold him back. He's gonna throw a bottle. You know, you guys didn't have to play that goddamn music while he's just trying to have a drink. Why the hell do you think we're in here? Trying to escape it. Look at him. You play that music, you know you're gonna piss him off.

You're just being antagonistic now. Right now. You're just being antagonistic. I don't know what that means. Stay down. You get back up, you're asking him to fight you. I'll throw it. I swear to God I'll throw it. He will. I'll throw it. Do we get these curds to go? Do you want any poppers, Chris?

Let him have a popper. No, I'll pay you Tuesday. Don't worry. But you know what you were going to do with that song. Take them out. If they're too hot now, walk them for a block and they'll cool off outside. They'll stop fighting if you let me get them all. Give me the curds to go.

Give him space to breathe, damn it. He eventually got him to the door. Draw some ranch in your widow. But before Chris Gambach left, he grabbed a Christmas tree in the bar, pulled it to the ground, and broke several ornaments. It's like the scene in Step Brothers. We'll pay you for the ornaments. Were these collectors or no?

Okay, one of them was a precious moment so I'll pay you back for that one. Or is that something you got from the Zayers? To me, pulling down on the Christmas tree is like, is a pro fucking move. Because he's like, Someone took a lot of time to put that out.

He said, he essentially said, if you're going to ruin my Christmas by playing that music I'm gonna ruin yours if Sabbath is on you know he paid to put it on so that was also his music and also think that

while this whole fight is going down there's Christmas music playing 100% The whole fight is going down. There's Christmas music playing. Oh, 100%. 100%. Fuck you. Fuck your fucking tree. And fuck these fucking curds. It's the best time of the year. Chris, stop.

I'm in total. This touch, this pay-to-play shit with these jukeboxes now are a crack of shit. I put my 250 in there. It's the best time of the year. I'll shove this angel up your fucking ass. This is what I'll do with it. Guys, leave him alone. Leave him alone.

You're making him more mad. Turn the music off, that's what's keeping him going. Frosty the snowman. If you just stop playing it, he'd be fine. It's making him mad. It's a trigger.

And the uncle knows the owner. Ken, you know we're going to leave, Ken. We're leaving right now. I'm good for my tab, Ken. He gets triggered very easily. When police... Oh, God damn it. That's on you.

You played another one and I told him. He's going for the tree. I can't turn it off. It's on its own system. When police. The last minute and a half was just for us. When police tracked Gameback down at his residence,

he rushed towards officers, so he was still ready to go. And had to be, and this is what I love too, he had to be threatened with a stun gun before he was eventually Son, we're to shoot you in. All right. We're going to play It's a Wonderful Life on the TV in the station.

Push it right up to your cell if you don't calm down, okay? My guess is like he came at him and slipped three times in the snow. Oh, 100%. And just was just like down, down. Son, son, they're not even moving. I got a stun gun on you. Can I sue for them not having the right ice melt in front of the bar? Because that's what set me off walking in here was I was tripping a little bit, to be honest.

I came in in a bad attitude. And decorate you, son of a bitch. Gambach started yelling gender-based obscenities at a female officer before he was transported to the dane county jail in tentative charges of disorder his whole life is trying to pull down the christmas tree on his way out the door that's everything oh there's a female cop i'm gonna go out there following on the way in pulling down christmas trees on the way out we're gonna get out of here on this. How old is Christopher Gambic? Too much fun leaves marks in life. Living hard, you'll pay the price.

Who is going to get it right? Guess the age. Guess the age. I'm going to let you get another gander at that full tag. Get a gander at the Gambic. Okay. Kyle, you want to go first, Tigger, third? I'm going to go first. I'm going to say another hard 31. Okay. Kyle, you want to go first, Tigger third? I'll go first.

I'm going to say another hard 31. Okay. Nice. Hard live 31. He's sticking with it. Jason or Randy? I'll go. I think it's 35.

He's a cold weather Doyle. 35. He's a cold weather Doyle. That dude is 39. 39? 31, 39, 35. Nordic Doyle. We're in the 30s.

All right. Get your answers in now, Tony, because Christopher Nordic Doyle. We're in the 30s. All right. Get your answers in now, Townie, because Christopher Gambeck is angry and 33 years old. Oh. Right in between you guys. Right in between us. You know, he was the age that Jesus was when he died. Not to bring Christmas back. He was the age that Jesus was.

Not to bring Christ back. It's a holiday. It's a holiday. I'm going to kill you. I'll take it all down. You know he didn't like it, and you started it back up. I'll summon the frigging Dark Lord in here. Chris, put the pentagram down.

You know I've been messing with this stuff. Put it down, Chris. You know I've been messing with it. What's my address? 666 Mockingbird Lane. That's not a real thing. All right. Dan, we have one more story left. That's not a real thing. All right. Dan, we have one more story left.

Can you give us a little teaser of what we're going to hear? We have a fight in Antarctica. Oh, my God. It's the March of the Penguins. Kyle Kinane is with us. I can't wait. Stay with us. Stick around.

Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey guys, welcome back to a holly jolly winter edition of Dumb People Town. We have Kyle Kinane. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram. You are Kyle Kinane. What was the deal on Instagram? You were not verified?

What was the joke? I was laughing at like being being fake outrage that i wasn't there it was making me laugh so hard but you were putting photo other people's photos well because if you're not you get like all these bullshit like fake ads of people who want to be influencers so i was just taking all these like dim bulb ladies in bikinis and i would just take their picture and put my show dates on it it was making me laugh so hard i loved it and I would just take their picture and put my show dates on it. It was making me laugh so hard. I loved it. Because they would be sponsored posts. So that means they paid to be in someone else's feed.

So if you're paying to interrupt my – I'm going to do whatever I want with that material. Exactly. Thank you, Jesus. And then somebody verified me and I was like, God damn it. You had a run going. You had a good run. You had a good run.

You had a good run. Great gag going. Damn it. Great gag going. All right, Dan, we got one more story of fighting Antarctica. Get a good run. Get a good run. Great gag. Damn it. Great gag. All right, Dan, we got one more story of fighting Antarctica. I can't wait. Sent in by Adam Hayduck at that's so Adam. Three O's in the cell.

Okay, ready? Now, I'm going to say this is a little dark, but everybody survives. And stick to your rule. Dan has his rules. It is winter in Antarctica. It's always dark. Dan has his rules. It is winter in Antarctica. It's always dark. I know it is. A scientist plunged

a kitchen knife into his colleague. Oh my god. As he was fed up with the man constantly telling him to the endings of books that he was reading. These two guys are up in Antarctica and they've just got books. And one of them keeps reading books

and as he's reading it, his dick of a colleague keeps telling him the end of the book. He just is looking at him like, you know there's a head in the box. Why? No! That's like a frontier spoiler alert. Yes, exactly. That is so great and he is 100% justified into plunging me to how much of the

book does he let him read i know that's like if it's like the first three pages he dies what god damn it no but if you let him get in like people and it's all like because you know when you have a good book and we were talking about this before we got on the air if you have a good book and my life has been like marked between like when you've got a great book and then times when you don't have a great book and you feel untethered. You have a good book, you literally say to yourself, because I read right before I go to sleep,

I can't wait to get into bed to dig into this a little bit more. You know when you have a great book? When you have an aisle seat, the plane lands and you keep reading rather than standing up. And you're like, oh, like i'm gonna get a couple more pages yeah that's when you have a great book i just i like the idea the ways of spoiling a book like does he write the end on the guy's bookmark so when he opens it he reads like i'm like if he's

doing it in different fun ways right i'm always siding with like writes it antagonizing he pees it in the snow outside the thing. Right. She's his sister. No! But the other thing, too, is since these guys are stuck in Antarctica together and working together and presumably living in the same area together. Oh, yeah. There aren't a lot of houses up there. The stabbing to me, he told him for a long time.

Like, you do that to me one more time. I swear to God, I'm going to stab you. And you know that earlier in the day, it was like, they're not talking to each other. They're in the room together. They're doing research. And the one guy's got a little bit of a cold. And so. Nose whistle.

Nose whistle or something. He's mad about that. He just turns to him without, they haven't spoken in like three hours. He's like, will you stop breathing? Stop breathing. Oh, yeah. That's just. Sergei Savinsky.

Russian. Yeah. 55 years old. 55. And Oleg Beloguzov. I tried my best. Would pass the lonely hours during four harsh years together in the remote outpost of Antarctica by reading. So these guys are nonstop for four years together reading books.

Just reading books. However, Savitsky became angry after Beloguzov kept telling him the endings to books. That is the best, most needling thing ever. Daily Record reports. What are you going to do? Stab me? What if he wasn't even doing it on purpose? He's like, this book was great and I can't believe the guy dies at the end.

Oh, Beloguzov, you son of a bitch. Daily Record reports that the victim is now being treated for his injuries as a result of the knife injury. He was flown from Russia's Bellinghausen Research Station in King George Island to Chile following the alleged attack. Savinsky is back home in St. Petersburg under house arrest. Perfect for a guy who loves to read. I agree. Perfect for a guy who has just basically been under house arrest for four years in Antarctica. Put me in prison.

That's all I do is give you books. He's trying to get out of Antarctica. He's like, get me back. He has been charged with attempted murder. It is believed to be the first time a man has been charged with a murder bid in Antarctica. Wow. Believed? I can prove that pretty quick.

There weren't many people. There were probably like 25 people that have lived in Antarctica over the last 30 years. I'm going to show you the pictures of these dudes. This is the, I believe, I might have it wrong, but we'll all survive. This is the stabber. By the way, really impressive bookshelf.

He looks like the meanest gym teacher in the world. Yeah, and they do purposely take a picture of him in front of a bunch of books. All the books that were spoiled. He also has his arm up on his chair and posed in a way on his head. And we'll put this on the Facebook page. Yeah, I did it. Yeah, and he's pensively plotting his next stabbing. Look at this guy.

Oh, this guy's Game of Thrones. He's a rascal. Look at him. This guy's a rascal. This guy's like on the Night Watch at Game of Thrones. He's full of criminal mischief. That's Oleg Beloguzov, and he literally looks like... He looks like a wildling.

He looks like he doesn't open his mouth a lot when he talks. Agreed. He looks like he's got food in his beard from, and Kyle's got a great beard, but he looks like he's got food in his beard from 10 years ago. Well, we're going to do it one more time. He looks like he's slept with a beaver. We're going to do it one more time. Oleg Beloguzov, which is who I believe the second man is, holding this rock.

He's in the Russian ZZ Top. Yes. If I've gotten this wrong a couple times, guys, bear with me. ZZ Topski. How old do you think Oleg is? And I want everyone reading this to look at this photo before you make your guess. I mean, by the way, he could be... Can I even put in the idea that he is actually from another time period?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They froze his age. The Patagonia jacket's giving it away. That might have been given to him. I feel like he could have been thawed out of a block of ice from the Ice Age. I think he's gorgeous. He's a good-looking dude.

He's like the wildling dude, the main dude. That's the thing. He's a little scamp, and the other guys stick in the mud. We're just trying to have fun with them. And that's a horrible pairing for four years in Antarctica. Four years in the hole? Come on now. We can't put those guys together.

We should have done some personality tests. Right? Let's just do like a chemistry read for like a day and just see how these guys fly. This is like the Tango and Cash of Antarctica. So this is the guy. If I have it correct, our friend here with the hat on holding a rock, is the man who was

trying to read the books. He was trying to read the books and he got mad and he stabbed the Angry Gem teacher. How old do you think he is? No, no, did he stab you? No, this guy got stabbed. No, I think I had it backwards. Our rock holder did the stabbing. He was the guy trying to read the books.

I am trying to read book in the... Because the angry gym teacher kept being a dick about it. He's like an Antarctica Rasputin. Yes. How old is this guy? Too much fun leaves marks in life. Living hard, you'll pay the price. Who is gonna get it right?

Guess the age, guess the age Kyle, do you want to go first, take or third? Now that I know, I'm going to go first. Okay. But now that I know that he's the stabber. Yeah. He was just trying to read books and he had had it four years. He knocks two years off his age for me.

I was going to go with a 31 again. Now he's 29. He's not mature enough to realize the old guy's trying to party. This is, I mean, science. You got to go through grad school and levels. Yeah, he was stabbing his dad. He wasn't stabbing his dad. Yeah.

It's from somewhere. Take that, father. You know what? He was really stabbing himself. Right? God, I'm going to say that guy's 38. 38 years old from Jason's club. There's no gray in that beard at all.

Yeah. So he's definitely under 40. He's gorgeous, too. I'm going to swipe Kyle Kinane's 31 from the other two. I'm going to fill in the void, so to speak. Oleg Belogazov. I mean, he looks like a model. A gorgeous man, four years, sick of having books ruined for him,

decided to stab his nemesis. Your chance is in now, Tony. And partner. Yes. You say nemesis, I say partner. Work, colleague. Co-worker, colleague. Can't be the same thing.

Stab the people he loved the most. By the way, that is going to affect their secret Santa at Christmas time around the office. Who got me that? Oh, God. I got something for you. Stitches. Do you want to trade? Or do you want to?

Well, I think I know what you have. Who knitted me this snitches get stitches pillow? Oleg is 52 years old. This motherfucker's 52? Are you serious? Yes. Oh, my God. Let me see that guy again.

Not even a drip of gray in his freaking beard. He looks, I want to look that good at 52. I feel that article has been misreported. I think they mixed up the, the other guy's 55? Yes. I was like, up the... The other guy's 55? Yes. I was like, I knew he had to be... You don't just get sent to Antarctica right away. You got to earn some of that.

Maybe it's like he's a young guy learning from the other guy. True. One of them could have been an apprentice. Yeah, he's learning the ending of books. Those are our stories, gents. Those are great. Wow.

Fantastic. Don't go to Antarctica with someone... You like, you got to vet that stuff. I know. How do you ever vet that? You can't vet that on a resume. Like, monster.com, you can't do that. Also, you know, Russia not known for like, let's get in tune with our emotions. Find out if we click.

Bottle that up. A-late stuffy down. Bottle that up and then throw that bottle at the bartender. I give you ending of story. I give you. I give you ending of story. I give you. I give you your ending of your story. Don't push the joke over the cliff. Okay. There you go. That is a

show. Kyle Kinane, thank you so much for joining us. Always fun. You have such great insights and you literally mesh with this town so well. Thanks. Park Ranger of Dumb People Town. That is his official title. Go see him live wherever he is. Follow him to find out where he's going to be. He's the best.

Dan Van Kirk as well. DanVanKirk.com for any of his live dates. We will see you at Largo next Monday night on the 10th. We will see you in San Francisco

at SketchFest on the 11th for our birthday. Let's call it our birthday show with Ron Bunches of Funches. Oh, also, I'm going to be

in Oklahoma City and San Antonio on the 13th and 14th of December. So at the end of next week. And we are headlining Flappers Comedy Club here in Burbank. It's very rare that we're in town doing a headlining show on the 20th of December. So if you're in L.A., come check us out there. All Sabbath, all night.

That's it. All Black Sabbath, all night. Oh, shit, we've we gotta get back to work. It's a good show!