Dumb People Town - Kyle Kinane - I'm Just the Wrong Mammal

Episode Date: September 11, 2018

Comedian Kyle Kinane ventures to Dumb People Town this week! In Story 1: some dancing, a stranger's car, and fabric softener. Story 2 brings us a man who pulls a reverse Cool Hand Luke. Story 3 is the tale of a very confused couple.

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast Dan with co-host Our man Dan Man, jerk, don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits the funny hits So listen to our podcast band with co-host Armand Dan. Man, don't be a jerk, cause when the music hits the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, talk your downies, Dumb People Town. Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you.

Population Canaan, welcome back. It's me, what's up guys? Hello sir, you. Population, Kinane. Welcome back, Kyle Kinane. It's me. What's up, guys? Hello, sir. How are you? I'm great. We've been talking about you traversing this wonderful country of ours, and you like to camp, you like to get out. You like to get out in your quietude, your solitude, and enjoy it out there. I kind of value being alone a lot now.

Does this have anything to do with the fact that the world's getting dumber at a rate that's basically more than global warming? Well, is your opinion that it's dumber at a rate that's basically more than global warming. Well, is your opinion that it's dumber or you're exposed to more dumbness? Both. That's a great question. I think both. I think both is happening.

We have access to more information. But it's also never been more okay to be dumb. Yeah, dumb is like coming out of the shadows. Like if you say something dumb, you're going to get a lot of people that are like, I hear you, man. Yeah, there's a lot more. Is that what it is?

Maybe it's because of the access to it and people are like, I think that way. Yeah, well, I'm upset, man. Yeah, there's a lot more. Is that what it is? Maybe it's because of the access to it and people are like, I think that way. Yeah. Well, I'm upset about it all entirely. But then I can sit here and criticize. And because I couldn't reset a password for a website, I slammed my laptop on a coffee table. You did not. Did you break it?

I will give that much credit to Apple products. They know it. I wanted it broken because there's nothing more satisfying than, I don't have this physical rage with anything else in my life, but technology when it's like, but you can't do that. It's expensive and it's your leash to the rest of the world. I'm like, fuck this leash. And I just, I smashed it so hard.

And it didn't break. And dented the shit out of it. Well, but it didn't break. And dented the shit out of it. Well, but it didn't break. And I hurt my hand. My first move is to punch down on it, which isn't smart at all. Because there's a table under there. Yeah, you're punching down on us. It's going to stop more than just this.

Yeah, I've hurt this hand repeatedly. And then I also ripped my closet door off the wall because it was in my way when I tried to walk away from the computer. I get it. To calm down. The closet wouldn't close the right way and it's like in a movie where somebody's like

the guy's like calmly raging like well I guess I'll fix it and the fix is to just rip it off the hinges rip it off the wall so okay it's affecting you it's affecting us

that's my hey Kyle it is a good moment though when you can go like rip a door like my daughter when she was one locked herself

into our bedroom and we were trying to get her out and like and trying to tell her to turn the key and she would But my daughter, when she was one, locked herself into our bedroom. And we were trying to get her out and trying to tell her to turn the key. Trying to tell a one-year-old to turn a key is like trying to tell a drunk person that he's going to be okay, just lay down. Neither of them are going to do it still. No, I'm not! So I told her to back off and I shouldered through the door and knocked it off the frame, and I felt like the rock.

Yeah, it's a great feeling. It's a good feeling. Sometimes you've got to get that shit out, but you also don't feel great about it. I think our only way to stay sane, at least I know I'm this way, is through comedy. We have to talk about how dumb this world is becoming. We have to try and understand the dumbness. I understand. We understand the dumbness. Do you to try and understand the dumbness. I understand. We understand the dumbness. Do you take action against it?

Well, we'll see. Let's just talk about it because we'll learn about it. Dan gets three stories sent to him that we don't know about. We've never heard them before. And we get to break them down and try to understand them. And we try to understand this dumb world of ours through these stories. And so I'm so happy that you're here. I'm so happy that you're here, Kyle Kinane.

All right, before we jump into the story with Kyle Kinane, we have to thank all the people. We said we were going to do this. This is one of the things we mentioned about our DRIP program. Everybody who's contributed $6 or more to the DRIP program, we would like to thank you personally on this show so everyone can hear it. Dan, you've got the list of names. By the way,

today is the 11th when this drops. Tomorrow is September 12th. That is the last day you can become a founding member of the DP team. And I am not joking. There are going – once this ends, we're going to start releasing surprises, goodies, maybe like even some mini contests. There's going to be fun stuff for people who are founding members, even things where it might be like we specifically do a group picture of just founding members that are at live shows, things like that. You're going to get some more opportunities for starting out with us and being in and on the ground floor. We are obviously going to find a way to say thank you for that.

We're so thankful right now, but let's thank these people right now, Dan. Right now we have 199 people that we have to thank, so we'll bang some of these out right now. We want to get to 5,000 so we can get Jan Flato his money back, so let's do that. We're on our way. Let's thank these people, Dan. I want to thank Jeff Cutshaw. Thank you, Jeff. I cut my shaw the other day and I'm feeling better. You are? Good. I was worried about it.

Jay, we've got a lot of names together. Somebody we've known for a long time, Kimberly Fritz. Oh, Fritzy. Yes, she's a founding member. Christine Halverson. Halverson. I know. I love that name. Nick Colucci's been around with us for a long time. Edward Booth. Booth.

I know. Tracy Fritz. There's so many people. Tracy Fritz. Mama Fritz. Kim Fritz's mom. Nate Mauger. Alexander Viana.

Alex comes to so many of our shows. Thanks, Alex. Appreciate it, brother. It's great. I love that dude, and I love that he's a townie. He participates a lot, yeah. Yeah, I agree. Camille FM, which is a great frequency.

Jake Magnuson. Magnus for Magnuson. I know. Ben Potter. Potter. Derek Lipkin. Lipkin. He's a pinball wizard.

He's got to be a twist. You know what's funny? I think it was just Camille, and I read the FM, which is founding member. Founding member. It's just Camille. Thank you. Camille FM. It's just Camille.

That's how she rolls. So I said Derek Lipkin, right? Yep. Frazier Robinson. Thank you. That's a solid name. I know. PX Caballero.

PX Caballero. We're going to hear from her later on today. PX Caballero. Perla, Perla, Perla. Shane Gibson. Thank you, Shane. Elkie Bernal Bruton. Thank you. Dan, I love you rating these. I tried. I tried. Dan Gibson. Thank you, Shane. Elkie Bernal. Bruton? Thank you.

Dan, I love you rating these. I tried. I tried. Dan Ford. I can handle these. Go on. You're like, is it Dan Ford? Am I pronouncing that right?

Cynthia Barlow. Kate Rosen. Dave Schuster. Nice. Simon and Schuster. I know. Kevin Phelan. Phelan you, bro.

Mike Joyce. These are the... I like that you are giving them. I'm joyful. I'm joyful of that guy. James Joyce. Eric Butterfield. Butterfield that you are giving them. I'm joyful of that guy. James Joyce. Eric Butterfield. Butterfield. That sounds like a great improv name.

Like you're doing an improv scene. What's your name? Eric Butterfield. Nobody's going to doubt you. Why don't you go walk it down to Butterfield's office? Travis Ray. Eden Gamet. Thank you.

Betty Bice. Nice. Double B. Tom Solo. Thank you. Tom Solo. Hand Solo. I know. He does it all on his own. He does it all on his own. Do you want some help? No, I'm sorry. No,. Tom Solo. Thank you. Tom Solo. The hand solo. I know.

He does it all on his own. That's a great name. He does it all on his own. Do you want some help? No, I'm solo. Tom Solo. Tom Solo. I'm solo.

Those are some thank yous that we wanted to do today. We're going to spread it out because we want to have enough time to say thank you personally to each and every one of you. So if we didn't get to your name, hey, we're going to do that in future episodes. It's coming. Keep listening. If you haven't signed up for The Drip, please do so. We really, really, really want to get it.

You can hear us name your name on the show and get all kinds of other great things. And enjoy The Drip content. Extra episodes, whether they be stories or stories of Randy at Burning Man. Ha, ha, ha.

Coming up. Or phone calls with Mason Tackett. We'll figure that out, too. Just people on the show. We are going to make this happen. All right, let's get into the first story. Yeah. Here we go.

This was sent in using the hashtag Dump People Town and sending to at Daniel Van Kirk by Adam Shreve or Shreve, S-H-R-E-V-E. Shreve. That's what I would go with, too. Shreve. Adam from Shreve. At A.W. Shreve. Right. Which I hope, I'm sure it's his initials, but I just want him to like A.W. Rupier.

No I's straight from the tap. If you shiv someone, that's like you takeW root beer. No ice, straight from the tap. If you shiv someone, that's like you take a- That's S-H-I-V. Right, but that is a- If you shrieve someone, what is that? That means you get him a free root beer. That would be great. Have you eaten at an A&W root beer?

Yes. Are you fucking kidding me? I'm just confused by the, like, oh, get the grandfather burger. Like, no. What does that mean? That makes you feel old. Their menu items are all named after family. There's one on exit 133, Highway 19,

just north of Madison. Oh, boy. And that one has the real, like, there's no... It's just, it's like, almost comes out flat. Like, it's not the, what do you call it? The taps? Carbonated? Yes. It's got a bad bricks? Yeah, and it's got its own thing. You're not supposed to put ice in it. That is always

the, if you can get that A&W, you're good. Is it cold? I almost belched myself out of the movie Son-in-Law because I got a six-pack of root beer from the dollar store and snuck it in to see Son-in-Law. Brought your own snacks! And it gave me

so much gas I almost had to leave it. The dollar store root beer, it's called Logs. Like Logs root beer or something like that. Dabs. Stepdad. Stray and W. Stray and W. Stray and W or Stepdad's root beer would be...

Dusty off the shelf. Back shelf root beer. Right. IBS root beer. Sharks. Here we go. Thank you root beer? Sharks. Sharks. Okay. Here we go.

Thank you, Adam Shreve, where we landed on this. Fairview Park, Ohio. Oh, boy. A Cleveland man. Swing state. A Cleveland man was arrested for disorderly conduct while intoxicated. Of course. After dancing around a Fairview Park shopping center, sitting inside a stranger's car, and pouring fabric softener over himself.

Is that that bad? I was with him up until the fabric softener. Yeah? Some would say he went for the cycle. Dancing around, sat in a stranger's car. Right. I had a friend here on Coinga. I left because she was so drunk

I couldn't help her anymore, which doesn't say much about me. Yeah, it's like, Kyle, you're like, I tried to be a gentleman to a point. I'm like, tell me where you live. And she's like, downtown. I'm like, I can't do it. And then my friend, after I left,

she's like, yeah, I spent about another 10 minutes trying to get into a parked car. She kept telling everyone it was her Uber. So I could see getting into a stranger's car. Well, in this day and age of Ubers and Lyfts, I think everyone's car feels like fair game. So I'm with you. I agree. We are getting into regular people's cars with more regularity.

Yeah, real nonchalant to just hop into a Sonata. And by the way, if you leave your door open near a bar, expect someone to sit in it. Somebody went through my car because I forgot to lock it, and I was like, I can only get kind of mad. It's all on you. It's kind of on me. I live in a big city. I live in a big city. Lock it up.

Someone's going to run me through something. Or someone's going to get through it. But the fabric softener, are we to understand he just had it? Or found it in the car. Fairview Police were called Saturday at about 7.40 p.m. Okay. Look, we have a shirt coming about 7.40 p.m. Okay. Look, we have a shirt coming out. We have a new piece of merch.

A new piece of merch coming out that says, you ready? This is true. We did it in the Patton episode. 6 p.m. is the 3 a.m. of day drinking. Now, we may have rounded down, but 6 p.m. is the 3 a.m.

No, that makes sense. That does, right? That makes sense. 3 a.m. of day drinking. So, 7.40, you're about 4.40 a.m. from some day drinking. Right.

Because that's like the end of the night. So, naturally, you're about 4.40 a.m. from some day drinking. Right. Because that's like the end of the night. So naturally you're going to be pouring fabric softener. By the way, if it happened recently, still light out. 7.40 a.m. it's still light out. 7.40 p.m. That means you had six hours in. Yeah, you're six hours in.

It's time for lunch. You're 6.40 in on your work day of drinking. Take your lunch break. Have you ever had that day drinking and then you go get a regular dinner time but you're the drunkest person in the family restaurant? Usually you're the only one. Yeah, I'm going to have all the food. Thanks.

Just bring out whatever. I'm not going to remember what I order. Just put it in front of me and say, Bon Appetit. I don't care if it's an Italian restaurant. Slap it in front of me and I will reward you handsomely. One time in Chicago, it was St. Patrick's Day, we decided

we need to eat something. Every bar is packed. We were on Diversi, and so we went to the Chipotle, and that was when we found out on St. Patrick's Day drunk that you could get margaritas at the Chipotle. We were there for three hours.

No, no. Those seats aren't designed for you to sit down for three hours. Do not doubt me when I tell you that we ended up not being the only people drinking on St. Patrick's Day in a Chipotle in Chicago. By the way, margaritas are green. That's like counter-programming. It works. I did the same thing when I was in San Diego on a three-day weekend working down there in the Gaslight District where I'm like, this is a horrible place.

This is just... It's like if date rape was a geographic location. That's that part. And I was co-headlining with Tom Segura. What a show. I remember going by TGI Fridays. I'm like, we're drinking there.

Nobody's going in there. Everybody's young and hot and trying we're drinking there. Nope. Nobody's going in there. Everybody's young and hot and trying to get herpes out here. Yeah. Nobody's touching a TGI Fridays. We sit in there. We got apps. We got drinks. Nobody's around and we got to watch the chaos through the three sides of windows they had facing everything.

It's like a big screen TV. Oh, it's like being in the control room. Yeah. Yeah, totally. I could just see you guys eating loaded potato skins, and you just turn into a cigar and be like, she's going to fall. Yeah. She's going down. She's going down.

She's friends with some bar back who's doing napkin rolls for three hours. It's just me going, told you so. Best place in San Diego to drink on a three-day weekend. She just broke a heel. I need to marry my ketchups. Well, she's never getting married. I tried to help a woman laying in a gutter vomiting She told me to go fuck myself

I'm like alright San Diego this one's you That's on you So Fairview Police were called at 7.40pm To 5 Below At the Westgate Shopping Center What is 5 Below? 5 Below is like Ice cream?

I'm going to guess If it was Vegas I'd be like It. Is it ice cream? To me, I feel like it's like a- If it was Vegas, I'd be like, it's one of those ice bars. Ice bar. Like an ice bar. If that was Vegas. You know what I mean? Like Five Below.

What a specific temperature. We do shots. We keep the ice bar at five degrees below zero. Right. And we just run the vodka down this sled here, and you put your mouth on the thing, and you do the vodka shot. Have you been to an ice bar? Have you ever been to an ice bar?

I have done an ice shot before. Yeah? The luge? It's called luge, right? So your mouth is down at and you'd do the vodka shot. Have you been to an ice bar? Have you ever been to an ice bar? I have done an ice shot before. Yeah? The luge? It's called a luge, right? So your mouth is down at the bottom of this thing. So unsanitary. You could not be more wrong with Five Below. With Jason Sklar, our in-show research department. Five Below

is a store with unlimited possibilities where tweens, teens, and beyond are free to let go, have fun, in a color-popping, music-pumping, super-fun shopping experience where you'll always find the coolest stuff for $5 or less,

making it easy to say yes and smile big with our tech-tease sports balls, beauty candy, remote-control toys. They worked for months on this. Oh, my God. I still don't know what it is. That's the longest explanation to accomplish. It's basically five times better than a 99-cent store.

It's a tchotchke place. It's like if Spencer Gifts had all the counter shit, that's the only stuff they had. It's like PacSun for people who should be at PacSun. Right. They should have called it Impulse Buy. Everything that's just sitting up on the thing in a whole store. Five below. Five below.

And this guy gets up outside of that. Endless possibilities with tweens, though. Endless possibilities with tweens. Perfect for a drunk guy. Tweens, teens, and beyond is what it said. He's the beyond. It's like Bed Bath & Beyond. I love that story.

I love that story. Tweens, teens, and beyond? Why is that not the name of the story? So in all this fun stuff, this guy found some discount fabric softener that tweens love. Fabric softener. Softening their fabrics. Just an easy wearing t-shirt.

No static. You know those latchkey kids doing their own laundry. They love Five Below. They love it. You guys, you just made me think something. Do you think tweens still pass notes? They text. Are notes still a thing in middle school? They text. Middle school, no.

Elementary school, yes. My son got a note passed to him. Notes are still happening? Note. Note. We still buy paper. I thought you were supposed to. Hand note.

You know what I'm saying? You don't buy paper. As long as paper exists. Somebody's writing something. A note's going to go somewhere. I just really wonder that. I get all my paper at five below Can you just not like do teachers confiscate my friend who's a teacher would take he would keep like?

Clean socks in his drawer, but he pretend he's taking his sock off He's a teacher So I've got your phone and we put it in the sock and just put it on his desk and like all right Who else wants to talk on their phone? Because who's gonna touch that yeah good touch that yeah good move it on his desk and like, all right, who else wants to talk on their phone? Pretend like he was taking his dirty side of the cup. That's a pro move. That's a pro move. Because who's going to touch that? He had good moves. Who's going to touch that?

He had good moves. By the way, who's going to then put that up to their face? No, right. But everybody else is like, I'm going to take my phone out. It's not going to, unless they just do it twice and realize he's ran out of socks. By the way, that is a great, if any teachers are out there and you're dealing with this, do that. Yeah.

Well, the cops called the five below at the Westgate Shopping Center after a customer found a man in her back seat after returning to her car, police said. Yeah. So she left it unlocked in Cleveland, right? Like you were saying, Kyle. At a mall parking lot. Little bit's on her. Little bit.

But imagine that, like, hey. Hey. When did she realize it? Because a lot of times you don't look in your back seat. You just open the door and you sit down. Well, that's the horror movie about the car flashing their brights. Hey. When did she realize it? Because a lot of times you don't look in your backseat. You just open the door and you sit down. Well, that's the horror movie about the car flashing their brights. And this guy wants to kill me. He's like, there's somebody in your backseat.

Yes. She yelled at him and the man. The softener's coming from the backseat. She yelled at him and the man ran away. All right. He's not looking for a fight. No, he's not trying to do. That's a mall parking lot.

Do you know how many cars he had to try? Also, he's in the back seat. If you're in the mall, Kyle. He's softened up. Kyle, you're coming out of TGI Fridays. You've had a few. You're coming out of TGI Fridays at the mall. You see a man walk up to a car.

Nobody else is there. No one's around him. Open up the back seat and sit down in a parked car. That's the point when I start calling the police. I think I saw a ghost. I've done that to my car. You sit in the back seat. I've had a parked car. That's the point when I start calling the police. I've done that to my car. You sit in the back seat of my car. I've had a few CGI Fridays.

I'm going to go sleep in the back seat of my car. Yeah, but if he was sitting up still like those people in the airplanes that don't have any headphones, no book, nothing, and they just stare straight forward. Just consume with their thoughts. Yeah, if he was doing that, if that was my car, I'd be like, leave it. That's his car now.

Honey, we don't have a Dodge anymore. It's Moody's bike now. Let me just get in here, get the title, sign it over to you. It's yours. It's yours. So she yells at him. He runs away. Great.

Officer scoured the neighborhood but couldn't find him. Police received another call about 20 minutes later from someone claiming that a man with a similar description was dancing outside of a Chipotle. I did not remember this element. I swear to God. Dan, they sell margaritas at Chipotle. You've already established that. $5.50. That's a good price for a Marg. Well, someone's doing a dance.

It was St. Patrick's Day, Kyle. Every Marg is a good Marg. Sometimes it's all mixed. Sometimes they don't put the booze in. Actually, only salt the half. Salt half that rim. I'm trying to cut back. Dip it in guac.

You want to try something new? Do a couple chip. You throw some chili flakes on there? Give me a twofer. I think I got nachos accidentally. Whoops. That's a St. Patrick holiday, right? Nachos?

This guy, I'm still not upset with him. Sat in the car. I don't think he's dumb. Now he's dancing outside of a Chipotle. He's not threatening people. We know that, right? So he's not a threat. This is like when that clown was on the street corner in England just waving at people.

It's like, yeah, you're not breaking any laws, but you are creepy, but you're not threatening anyone. Okay, so we're still on board with him. He's dancing outside of a Chipotle. He's still just having a night. Right. Police said the man showed obvious signs of intoxication. He told officers he had drank how many cans of beer? Ooh, this is smart.

Now, Kyle, you are our guest. So you can go, I wanted that to be, I drank how many cans of beer, officer? I wanted that to be his answer. While he's dancing. While he's dancing. If you guess right, then you can arrest me. If you guess right, you get to dance. You get to go into this Chipotle.

For the record, Dan and Randy are both dancing. I'm going to buy you a margarita. He's going cans, huh? Right. You are a guest. You can go first, Tig, which is second, or third. Where do you want to go? You choose your spot.

Three of us are going to guess. I don't know. So do you want to go? I think he put down a rack. Okay. Six? 24. 24. Oh, a put down a rack. Okay. Six? 24. 24.

A case? A rack of beer. A case. A rack of beer. Rack them up. I'll say 14. 14. 18 is coming into my head for some reason.

He said that he drank, quote, and I'll give you the number as well. Also, you always say less than you did. Right. Because there's that fear of maybe I'm going to get in trouble. So you're sticking with your number? I'm sticking with 14. But at this point, it's like 8 o'clock at night. He could have drunk as much as Kyle said, but I'm going to say he says 14.

All right. To try and come off. So Randy says what? 18. And Kyle, you say what? 24. And you say? Full rack.

14. Jason says 14. He told officers that he drank, quote, a few 24-ouncers for a total of three beers, but that's actually six, right? Yeah, 24-ounce. He's doing tall boys. That's six. All right. He drank a few 24-ouncers behind Key Bank.

So he went behind the bank for his day drinking. He made his deposit. But when you're an adult, and you're of legal age, and you're hiding behind a building to drink, there's something wrong. You're running from something.

Was this guy homeless, maybe? No, they don't say. That would give him a reason. Of course. He had also doused himself at this point with fabric softener, quote, because his clothes were dirty. That is a, you are drunk. I mean, it's a jump in logic, sure. It's a solution.

But he's been trying to do the right thing this whole time. It's a time saver is what it is. Yeah, I don't need to do this laundry. Guys, let's skip right to the fabric softener. He also admitted to having been in the woman's car earlier, saying he thought it was his own car. Man, I love this. Police said he later admitted that he has not had a car for a long time. Okay.

All right. I thought it was my car from 1997. Were you in somebody's car earlier? I was. Well, how come? I thought it was my car. Where is your car, sir? I misplaced it.

When did you misplace it? Bush 1. Bush 1. H.W. You look like a girl I used to know. Sir, that is a man. Yeah. The man.

Yep. What you look like The man was arrested For disorderly conduct While intoxicated And was held until sober Which I hope they just mean Is like

Look dude you're drunk We're just gonna let you Sober up and get out of here Nicest smelling inmate They had You left that woman alone Cause you were so drunk You literally thought

It was your car From back in the day You tried to clean yourself And all you did was Dance in front of a Chipotle We're gonna just Let you sober up Let us like

Just protect you So you don't do anything else really stupid. We're going to get out of here. If he was the little snuggle fabric softener bear. What was that thing's name? Snuggles. Snuggles. Snuggles.

Yeah, fitting. If he was the little snuggles bear and did all these things that we said, showed up in the back of someone's car, outside of a Chipotle, dancing around, covered in his own juices. Okay. That's a spin on it. This would not be an issue with anyone.

We would all be excited. It could be adorable. It would be adorable. You'd be like, hey, we were out at Chipotle having margs just the way we do. So this is just a function of the guy being the wrong mammal. Exactly. It's not furry enough. I'm going to use that excuse for so many of my babies.

Officer, you need to understand, I'm just the wrong mammal. Doug's peeing on this bush all the time. If I was a giraffe, you wouldn't be wrestling me. I'm just not furry enough to pull it off. We'll get out of here on this. Calcanin, choose your slot. First, Tigger, third. How old is the man in this

story? Too much fun leaves marks in life. Living hard, you'll pay the price. Who is gonna get it right? Guess the age. Guess the age. We know some details about him,

but we're not sure. He hasn't had a car for a long time. He used to have a car, so he's over the age. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is a guy that drinks. Mm-hmm. In the daytime. Behind a bank. Yeah.

Wasn't interested in having an altercation with a woman. That was pure accident. Just tried to dance in front of a Chipotle. I want to go in the 50s somewhere. I want to go early 50s. Says things like a few 24-ouncers. Mm-hmm. You're going 50 what? Let's go 51. 51 years

old from Kyle Kinney. Jason or Randy Sklar? 43. 43 from Jason Sklar. I think he's 60. I really think he's 60 years old. Get your answers in now for this round of Guess the Agey. All you townies, wherever you are, because the behind the bank

drinker is behind the bank drinker is phenomenal is 64 years old. You guys are right to go up the ladder. And you know he did not think he was going to live this long. These are the actions of somebody who's going day to day.

Right. I'm living on house money at this point. This guy doesn't have plans for next Thursday. House money. No. The behind the bank tricker. I love that. Story one.

He doesn't have plans for yesterday. There we go. Down in the woods. Will you still need me? Will you still clean me when I'm 64? I don't know. Behind the bank tricker, I honestly don't know. Kyle Kananis here with us.

This is Dumb People Town. We got more dumbness. Stay with us. Stick around. Make us down This is Dumb People Town. We got more dumbness. Stay with us. Stick around. Make it sound for more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to Dumb People Town. We want to promote Kyle Kinane and any live shows that he's doing soon.

Are you on the road at all? If you haven't seen him, please go see him. It's a wonderful experience. It's a wonderful, yeah. It's a wonderful experience. It's a wonderful, yeah, it's a wonderful experience. It is, actually. I love it. Hey, man, we had a chance to watch you do a headlining set in Tulsa at that festival, which is my favorite part about going to a fun festival.

That ballroom was just amazing. You were amazing. It was magical to watch you do an hour room and just lay out, stretch out, doing it, because we never get to see it. You're in another city. Really dumped him out. Dumped it all in. Are you doing some show?

Are you on the road a little bit or doing stuff here and there? I'm out, yeah. When's this coming out? Is this coming out? Next Tuesday. Yeah, this will drop next Tuesday. Oh, yeah. I'll be in the...

Shit. Where can people find your dates? Is there a Kyle Canane? KyleCanane.com. The same website I was trying to update when I smashed my computer on the table. There it is. God damn it. So please, for the love of God, go to that website. So he can get a new computer. The same website I was trying to update when I smashed my computer on the table. There it is. God damn it.

Please, for the love of God, go to that website. So he can get a new computer. Go sell out every show that you have. I think I saw that tweet where you were like, you know what? It was yesterday. Things I just posted were not accurate. I can't change when I need to for that site. Oh, that was a couple days ago where I was like, I went to go put everything up, and then there's no dates on my website because whatever service just stopped.

I'm like, you know, you try to make it in this business and it's already hard enough as it is. So whenever I see one of those tweets come out for you, I'm just going to be like, Kyle's having trouble with his computer again. Kyle's sleeping in the dirt. Kyle's having a few 24s behind the bank

today. That plugged in life isn't working out for me. I'm going to go drink behind a bank. If anybody can drink behind a bank, it's you. All right, Daniel, you got another story for us? Let's hit it.

Yes. All right. I'm bringing it up and here we are. Okay. Sent in by Tim E at Timothy I E Y E. I think there's another.

Oh, yeah, there is. Timothy I underscore L T D. It's a limited Timothy I. Limited edition. It's a limited Timothy I. Limited edition Timothy I. Yeah. Okay. The man had taken GHB.

What is that? There we go. Do you know what that is? It's like a date rape drug. Is it? It can be used as a date rape drug. They also explain what it is. I can jump ahead to try and read it.

It just makes you the most drunk and then... It's known... It's like a pass out drug. I might accidentally read this again later. GHB is known to be used commonly... Makes you the most drunk and then... It's known... It's like a pass out drug. I might accidentally read this again later. GHB is known to be used commonly... Is known to be used commonly used. That's well written.

As a recreational chem sex drug alongside crystal methamphetamine and methadrone. That's intense. That's way too intense. That's like an unbelievable cocktail. What translation website are you? I have no idea. Recreational chem sex. As opposed to occupational chem sex.

That's what I do, guys. That is my job. I don't like to take my work home with me. Five o'clock, I leave that back. Dude, I clock out, and I don't even think about my occupational chem sex. I leave that chem sex at the office. This is my time. It's me time.

That's why I put my dick in a bottle of formaldehyde. I mean, I'm into dead chicks, but I'm not going to go that far. I'm part of the regular world. Linda, get back here. Linda. Get back here. Linda, where are you going? Nowhere.

She's dead. Hey, all right. Hey, come on. Don't look at me like that, Linda. You died looking at me like that? Oh my God. Linda. If I could die, I could have sewn your lips shut when you were alive and we wouldn't be in this situation.

Now I have this compulsion to open them back up again. Finally, somebody else does your makeup. You don't look like the half a whore you used to be. Nice bangs. Nice bangs, Linda. You know, just those teamsters that are also necrophiliacs. You know, that common trope. We've all seen it.

More people than you think. All right. The man had taken GHB. There's one among us. The bodies. The bodies. The man had taken GHB when he made the decision and began to boil the eggs with his friend. The man from the Netherlands has not been identified due to privacy reasons.

Really? Yeah. This is so cryptic. This is so bizarre. So the man from the Netherlands is the friend or is this the guy? This is more cryptic than the description of Five Below. Right. It's like, what do you understand more?

I can't understand either of them. Five Below put too much time into their bio. Five Below should be a movie about snow dogs who get trapped or something like that. Teens, teens, and beyond. Okay. So this guy took GHB. I'm going to try and help. The guy took GHB when he made a decision to boil eggs with his friend.

Okay. This man who did this is from the Netherlands, and he has not been identified due to privacy reasons. Okay, I'm with you. When the eggs were ready, he peeled them and then inserted them all into his anus. Okay. According to the Dutch magazine for healthcare. Okay. So the Dutch have their own magazine just for healthcare.

And this falls under healthcare. Let me just ask. This falls under a homeopathic treatment for what? I don't... Good times? Hemorrhoids? Maternal jealousy? Being way too committed to truth or dare?

I got fallopian tubes too. I don't know why I made them a Chicago tube. And there are people in this world that will do way too many things if you just keep saying I dared you man I dared you like if you are one of those people take inventory don't get goaded into something

you can also say no I don't want to take that dare it sounds like a guy getting ready for a magic show right I gotta practice it somehow but that only has one trick and he cannot do it again. Ever. There is one casino in Copenhagen that is gonna hire me.

I swear to God. Nobody gets excited about the handkerchiefs anymore. Up and up. Look, you can't shit out a few eggs without cracking some animals. When he began feeling unwell, he took himself to the hospital where doctors discovered he had a, sorry smart

people, tachycardia, T-A-C-H-Y-C-A-R-D-I-A. Tachycardia. Yeah, a heartbeat of 120 beats per minute. Oh, it doesn't mean a bunch of eggs up your ass? Nope. And then a tachycardia. You know, tachycardia. Some other.

Tachycardia. Tachycardia. You're right. What's the other one? Eggs up your ass. Tachycardia. I'm not Ticardia. Ticardia. You're right. What's the other one? What's the eggs up your ass? Ticponia. I'm not going to. 29 rapid breaths per minute.

Okay. He's not doing well. No. The doctors suspected abdominal sepsis and performed a CT scan, which showed a perforation of the pelvic colon and giant amounts of air and fluid in his abdominal cavity. So he jammed it up there and stopped up what was coming out. This is like if Cool Hand Luke was into butt chugging. Well, a bunch of dudes are like 27.

It's cholesterol out of the world. That would have made that such a better scene and more of a prison scene. Am I right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You put him in the wrong end. You're in jail. You got this. You got this. You got this.

He's going to do it. He's going to do it. By the way, yeah, that is... Wish you could give him the eggs, boss. Okay, I'm going to ask you guys, how many eggs do you think he put up into him before we dig deeper into this story? No pun intended.

You know that it's become a severe situation. He's at the hospital. One can be a severe situation. Yeah, you gotta think about your own... I think the average person could handle one. Yeah, regular stuff goes in butts all the time. I guess so. Kyle, where do you want to go? You get to guess first.

They're in a line. Yeah. Are they? Or are they just smashed? Or are you going like a handbag? You're not loading it like a double barrel shotgun. That's true. Oh, you're saying they went a handbag. You're not loading it like a double barrel shotgun. That's true. Oh, you're saying they win him one by one. Yeah, one by one. I'm imagining that he has them set up like in egg trays

and he's jumping over and sitting on each one and swallowing it up. For extra tips. Swallowing it up and swallowing it up. Oh, okay. Like he's picking them up. Wouldn't it just smash the egg? It's hard-boiled.

But a hard-boiled egg. He peeled them. He peeled them. But still, a hard-boiled egg in your butt. That's a smooth texture. It's not about smooth. It's about the tension of your butt. Yeah.

It's how much can you open up. I have no idea. And a hard-boiled egg, though, is flexible. Like flex. It can change shape to mold into a space. I mean, maybe he pipe fitted it and then... Like the bank.

Like a deposit. Yeah, from our last episode. Like the bank. Just sends it. You go to the drive-thru at the bank. What's your guess, Kyle? You just got some weird drunk guy drinking 24s behind you, watching your ass. I'm going to go.

You know what? I'm going to go with the. What's happening in Denmark? Do they still sell them? Netherlands. Netherlands. Do they still sell them in dozens over there because of the metric system? Sure.

Probably. Oh, is that a thing too? I don't know. Ten eggs. Yeah, I'm going to say ten. Really? Okay. Randy or Jason?

I think he took the drug. I think it's only six. I think it's six eggs. Randy Sklar? I think he had 13 eggs up I think it's only six. I think it's six eggs. Okay. Randy Sklar? I think he had 13 eggs up there. All right. Baker's dozen. Okay.

He put inside of himself 15 eggs. Oh, my God. Well played, Randy Sklar. Thank you very much. What is going on? So the doctors said he has giant amounts of air and fluids in his abdominal cavity. The doctor said this is why we deemed an emergency laparotomy necessary.

The laparotomy, a surgical procedure involving a large incision through the abdominal wall to gain access into the abdominal cavity, was performed successfully. They went in this man. I'm talking, we're surgically gutting him.

Those are eggs over hard. They tossed his egg cell. Don't you gotta hope the doctor kept being like, are you proud of yourself? What'd you win? What'd you win for? What are you doing for Mother's Day this year? Did you get a Corolla? Happy Easter.

Who aren't you speaking to in your life right now? Exactly. If a Corolla walked in, he'd be like, who touched you? Look, I understand he drove you here, but I'm going to tell you something. That guy outside? Not your friend. He's not your friend. He is not your friend.

A ride is not friendly. They mentioned two guys in the beginning of this. Yes. And the one guy just isn't part of the picture. He's complicit. He's a guy who doesn't have enough control to say, hey, why don't you not do that? Yeah, which egg did he walk out on? You proved your point.

Six eggs. It's enough, man. I'm going to be in the other room. Don't do it. I still hear you in there. I hear your butt sucking me. It's like when you give up on saying no to your kids to the point where you're like, I can't say no to you anymore.

So just do it. I guess you're going to do it. Fine. Do it. Why wouldn't your body just inject that the way? The way you just. Because you went too far and you ripped your stomach. The doctor said the eggs were removed as well as we could.

I mean, what? As well as we could? You're going to have a couple hanging out for the rest of your life. What? You get them all out. Right. No. Some people have glass in their arm forever.

These aren't POWs. I do. Yeah, I've got little rocks in my elbow. I guess it's the same thing. A couple eggs. Yeah, I got a few eggs up there. A couple eggs floating around in me. The eggs were removed as well we could, and the abdominal cavity was thoroughly rinsed.

The eggs caused a giant rupture of the gastrointestinal wall, which was sewn up by the doctors. Luckily, the bizarre drug-fueled adventure ended well for the patient. Did it? I don't know if it ended well. Oh, that's right. He took the drug. Yeah, he's on a drug. He GHB'd himself. So during the operation... He got 15 eggs up there

before he passed out. Or he got 11 and his friend was like, we're doing them all. Well, I'm not eating these. You had a goal and I want you to reach that goal. I'm going to win beneath your wings right now, motherfucker. This is why we're friends. This is why we're friends.

You tell me someone else that would do this for you. When you wake up, you're going to thank me. Keep smiling. Keep smiling. The doctor said after the operation, the patient was monitored in intensive care for a short time. Of course. After several days, he could leave the hospital in a clinically good condition. That's not speaking good. Clinically, you're good.

Mentally, buddy. That's a nice way of saying you're going to be fucked up for a long time. We did what we could. That's the hospital being like They literally said that about the eggs We did the eggs as best we could You're going to ask a lot of questions You don't start with 15 eggs

You're not going pro You build up to 15 eggs You start out with a marble Then it's Cadbury eggs Cadbury they melt They do. GHB is known to, I told you I'd read this twice, is known to be used commonly as a recreational chem sex drug

alongside crystal methamphetamine and methadone. I don't know if they mean it's similar to those or you use all three at once for a good time. You use them with, you use them. One is to get you up and the other is to take some drinks. Meth gets you going and then this one sort of calms you down so you can deal with it, I guess. You know, doing drugs just so you can feel normal. Yeah, you got to do some drugs to take the edge off the drugs you're doing.

I don't want this guy's normal. I'm going to ask you guys now. We'll get out of here on this. How old is the man from Netherlands who went 15 deep with eggs. Too much fun leaves marks in life. Living hard, you'll pay the price. Who is gonna get it right? Guess the age.

Guess the age. Kyle, you know the rules. If it was America, I would say he was younger, but Netherlands, they get a little more sexually progressive. Hence the whole eggs up the butt thing in the first place. I want to go with like a 47.

By the way, from here on out, that's what I'm going to call. Like an egg up your butt is a Dutch egg. He gave him a Dutch egg. You're going to go to a restaurant someday. I'd like to order a couple of Dutch eggs. You're going to see it on the menu. It's going to be some other thing you don't know and you're going to be like,

where am I? Can I get this frittata cooked in a Dutch oven, please? Open your sleeping bag. Open it up. Daddy will make it for you. I went down to the Bergdorf the other day. They got the Dutch egg on there now. What the hell is that thing? Jay next to me ordered it.

They took him in the back room for two minutes. An ambulance pulls up. I don't see him again Not Jay He ruptured his God damn stomach Alright so You said Jason loves it

How old did you say he was? I fucking love it Alright Kyle How old do you think he is? I was going I like He's like 47 By the way

I think there's a guy That's been putting stuff Up his butt for a long time Except 47 Yeah 47 Okay And he tried This time he tried To touch the void Yeah He's like Going down 47 guy that's been putting stuff up his butt for a long time. Except 47. And this time

he tried to touch the void. 47 from Kyle Kinane. Randy or Jason? I see he's 29. This guy's 29. Yeah, I think he's 25. 25? Yeah. Alright. I just think there's like a There's a youthful

Anytime you count the amount of times he's had to shit between 25 and 47, and you realize that it is a gift just to get a good one out. Right. So you're not going to mess with that area. Okay. Ooh, okay, all right. So I think he's just...

It's kind of the hubris of, yeah, I can live forever. Of a young person. My anus can live forever. All right. Okay. Hubris. One of you is exactly right. Oh!

Now we get to play the second game. Who do you think is right? I said hubris. Hubris. Pooh hubris. Sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm going to shut myself out. Kyle, would you like to guess which one of you three you think is exactly right? 29, 25, 47. Who do you think is exactly

right? And you can say you if you feel it. I want to say me. I still think those Europeans, they get into weird stuff. You always see like a leathery woman in nipple clamps at a music festival. If you're lucky. And she's from the south of France. I'm right. He's 29.

And I think I'm right, 25. Okay. All right. Townies, get your answers in right now. Because the man who went 15 deep on himself while his friend didn't help. By the way, 15 deep is the Dutch version of five below. Sure. There you go.

Is 29 years old. Oh, boy. I knew it. Jason. Wanted to get it done before a milestone. Jake, you get these dozen eggs. Thank you. I will never eat eggs again.

15 deep. The five below Dutch of the Netherlands. All right. We have one more story. Can you give us a little teaser of what we're going to look for in this lesson? I will give a little bit of warning. It is slightly for mature audiences. Okay.

Like the rest of the show. I love that that was for everybody. That was for your kids. This one's for your parents. Kyle can answer this. This is Dumb People Town. Stay with us. Hey guys, welcome back to Dumb People Town. We want to remind people, Randy and I, next weekend, are going to be in Ann Arbor, Michigan.

Are you in Detroit? People should come out to that. Are you in that neighborhood? We're doing shows in our old college hometown of Ann Arbor, Michigan. The Ann Arbor Comedy Showcase. I know it's not well, like, marked. It used to be under Save-A, but now it's like just down a block over and they don't have

It's kind of in an office building and there's always, like, construction going on and no one knows where the club is. Just come see us. Like, I'm telling you right now, it's going to be,

there are going to be killer shows. We got two shows Friday night. We're waiting to see if the Nebraska football game, Michigan game, is going to be a night game,

which we're praying it's a day game. If it's a night game, then we'll just do a midnight show. We may do a Thursday show. If it's a day game, we we'll just do a midnight show. We may do a Thursday show. If it's a day game, we're going to do four shows over the weekend. We really want to see people out at those shows.

That's the 21st and 22nd. People should come see that. I want to remind people right now that we are just over a week away from my Together Tour. If you're going to be in Houston, I'll be at the Secret Group. This is on the 18th of September for the Together Tour. So if you're going to be in Houston, I'll be at the Secret Group. And this is on the 18th of September

for the Together Tour. Awesome venue. And then on the 19th, I'll be in Dallas at the Dallas Comedy House. And then on the 20th, at Lafayette at the Worst Beer Garden.

And then in Baton Rouge on the 21st at the Station Bar and Grill. I think I did all those right. But if you go to danielvancurk.com or Facebook. Is that up and running?

I love it. What's the barbecue place right down the street from the Dallas Comedy House? That amazing barbecue place. I'll find it. It's like the pear leaf or the banana leaf or something like that. I forget what it is, but it is one of the best barbecues. So go get some barbecue, fill yourself

up, then walk down the street and see it. All you townies, that's where I'll be before the show. Come say hi to me. I want to see so many people at these. I'm not joking. Yeah, it's super fun. All right, last story, Dane. Here we go.

Ready? Yep. Okay. This was sent in by Perla at PX Caballero. I love Perla so much. Thank you for sending me this. She's a loyal townie. She's a loyal townie.

I love this gal. All right. I'm just going to read you the headline. sending me a video. She's a loyal townie. She's a loyal townie. I love this gal. Alright. I'm just going to read you the headline. Read me the headline. Don't make us... Don't beat it to us. Is it going to... Because there are two reactions. It's not gross. I was going to say, is it going to gross us out or make us sad? Dan, don't beat around the Dutch butt.

Clueless... Slide the eggs up. Clueless couple, which I hope means they met on the set of Clueless. Or they were watching the movie. Clueless couple. I've said it and called it a set of Clueless. Or they were watching the movie. Clueless couple. I've said it and called it a fartata before. I know it's too late for that, but I wanted to get it back in. We'll allow it.

We'll allow it. We'll allow it. We'll drop it back in. Sorry to interrupt. Jury, make note of that. Clueless couple struggled to get pregnant because of only doing anal sex. You read this already, Kyle? Of course you did.

I read this. It's a tale as old as time. It's a tale as old as time. Yes. So they're having a hard time getting pregnant because they're only having it. I heard that other story. That's where all the eggs are. That's how you get it.

They're only having it. I'm trying to fertilize these eggs up here. A married couple who failed to conceive were told they had been having anal sex after a doctor realized the wife was a virgin. How did they learn how to do sex? I think they just guessed. Is it watching porn? It was like a rural Chinese couple.

I think they were just... Any hole... Nobody's talking about it out there. No, there's not a lot of education. That's actually a real issue in that part of the world where there's no sex education. Nobody's going to tell you and you're going to be like, well, this goes in part of a woman. I guess we're barren. I guess we're barren.

Yes. The unnamed husband and wife. There's a great wall between me and you having a child. The unnamed husband and wife, age 26 and 24, sought out an obstetrician earlier this year when a team of medics visited their village in China's southwestern province that I'm not going to... Jingjing. Guzao? Okay. I don't know.

Fair enough. G-A-Z-H-O-U. She was quoted as saying that the couple were very young, but they were very healthy, and they couldn't conceive. No matter how much they tried, the family was giving them a lot of stress because of it. That always helps, right? Now, Kyle, if you probably gathered around them while they all tried.

Kyle, your mom giving you grief about your mom telling you about the sex that you need to be having. After she thinks that snakes are going to be dropped through the mail slot in your house. Great. Speaking of snakes in a mail slot, when are you going to have kids? Be like these people, guys. Be like, we're trying. You want to hear how? I'm just cramming it up her poop chute

thing. Nothing. I can't believe it. I don't know why this... I don't know why this mail's not... I don't know why this mail's not're talking like Dad's part of your mother. I don't know why this mail's not getting delivered. I keep putting it in the trash can. Nobody's answering these letters. They're dropping them in the trash. I'm going to return the sender on this shit. Put the snake in the mail slot.

Kyle, you can go last, or you can say you remember and don't have to answer. How long do you think the couple had been trying to have sex? Do you remember or no? I don't remember. I just read the headline. You can go wherever you want then. The guest of ours. First, second, third.

You can wait for us to guess. Go for it. You know what? I've been going first. Okay, Jay, go. I think they said they were young still, so I'm going to say two years. Okay. I think they've been going for like 18 months.

Okay. Kyle, can I? I want to try a year. Year. A year for Kyle, 18 months for Randy, and two years. Two years, yeah. The couple had been unsuccessfully, well, successfully having anal sex, but unsuccessfully getting pregnant for four years.

Wow. That's a long. Four years of like, not to be crass, but two in two ways you can go down there and you just keep going with one and it's not working. That's a George H.W. Bush presidency of just anal sex. Really? Yes.

Four years. Yeah, you're right. To me, there are a lot of those rural towns where there's just one road in and they never figured out that they never paved that road and it's a dirt road. It's a dirt road. There's a cul-de-sac. It's a dirt road. There's no road out.

Maybe we should put another one on the other side. That's basic stuff. Well, I mean, it has a happy ending. Well, when asking the wife's medical history during the visit to the village, the doctor was told that the couple had sex regularly. They were trying so hard. Under the pressure. The doctor was told that the couple had sex regularly. They were trying so hard. The wife also revealed that the experience was unusually painful for her every time, but she suffered through it in the hopes of becoming pregnant.

I'm like, I just feel bad. Maybe it's a sign. Let's not let them put people in the world. Yeah, maybe. Well, here's the other thing. We were throwing butt stuff for four years until our son came along. We had to have a team of doctors figure out what we were doing. Maybe you're not supposed to have kids.

The doctor said she was, quote, shocked when an examination revealed the wife to be a virgin. She's like, can you imagine the doctor being like, wait, hold on here. What happened? What are you doing? There's a gross part of this article I'm not going to read. Skip it. Okay, it'll be on the Facebook page if you want this quote. Guys, join the Facebook page.

It has to do with the doctor inspecting the woman and being like, yep, you've been trying a lot. That's all I'm going to say. It was then that the medic is said to have learned that the couple had mistakenly having anal sex for four years, resulting in their failure to conceive. Dr. Liu reportedly handed the couple each. They didn't want him to share. You're each getting a sex ed handbook. Yep. And gave them guidelines before they were sent home. Put it in here.

Read this in separate rooms. Really study the diagrams. Insert A into slot B. Right. Tab A into slot B. Keep it up. You podunks don't need to be putting your DNA into the world anymore. That's right.

That's right. By the way, the Chinese government. You're doing everything right, guys. It's going to happen. The Chinese government is on board with this. Yeah, maybe it's just not meant to be for you fucking idiots. Let's not push him. Animals figure this out.

Right. Right. Animals figure it out. Right. The advice appeared to work as news of the wife's pregnancy arrived just a few months later. It's like they lost their wallet and then found their wallet in her vagina. They reportedly informed the now-retired doctor. I like that the doctor was like, I'm done.

The now-retired doctor. I've seen it all. I've seen it all. I can retire. They informed the now-retired doctor that they were finally expecting, and they notified the doctor by sending the doctor 100 eggs and a live hen as a gift to her former hospital. Stick these up your poop, shit. I got something to put up there.

The doctor said that four years of marriage and neither husband nor wife knew how to get pregnant. Couples so lacking in general knowledge are very rare. And Kyle will leave them that way. And Kyle should not be procreating. There doesn't need to be more of you.

That's right. We got enough of you in this universe. There's not a lot that you can teach this child. Four years. In four years and you don't have a single friend that you're like, it's not working, man. What are we doing? Talk to somebody. One hole's right next to the other. Even by accident, you should have gotten it right a few times.

Let's try this other way. We goofed. Well, they are two of our brightestest couples in Dumb People's House. Pridest or proudest? Pridest. Pridest. They have a lot of proud. Proudest.

Proudest. Yeah. All right. Those are our stories. That's a hell of a show right there. We had some day drinking. We had some egg. Behind the bank.

Day drinking behind the bank and then egg popping behind the butt. 15 eggs. 15 eggs. 15 eggs. Wouldn't at 11 you be like, I did it. Who should have kids out of everybody in these stories? Who should? That's a great question. You got to let one person in these stories have kids.

I'm going with the guy at the bank. I thought the same thing because he just wanted to dance and have a good day. But he's not responsible. Exactly. He's not talking to his kids. Eggs in the butt. He's goal-oriented. He wants to stand for something.

I think he's in a roundabout way. He follows through. He follows through. He's 29. He's a role model. He'll do whatever it takes. Yeah. You got to go with him, right?

You know what? I'll tell you that originally I thought it should be the first guy, but the second guy came from behind, and he really was. Jason Sklar. Go on with Johnny Omelette's over here. At Sklar Brothers. There you go. Johnny is Omelette.

Dan Scrambles over here. He's Kyle Kinane. Go see him live. Go to KyleKinane.com if he doesn't blow up that website. And go see him do some live stuff because he's goddamn funny. That's all I got in this world. Come see us in Ann Arbor and check our dates. We're at

Supersclars.com. Dan, too, as well. And Dan and Van Kirk. Is it DanandVanKirk.com? Yep. Okay, beautiful. And oh shit, we have to get back to work. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb