Dumb People Town - Kyle Kinane - Irish Forget

Episode Date: September 13, 2022

This week Kyle Kinane comes to town to hang with Daniel, Jason and Randy. The first story is about sex so good it will wipe your mind. The second story is about a dog, but not really. The final story is about the best and drunkest salesman.

Skypains Avenue Hey, townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population canane. Jay, you sound great. Welcome to the show, Kyle Canaan. We're so happy to have you in studio. What a joy. Guys, 9 a.m. What an adult time. We did. We're up. We're up. Welcome to our morning radio show. Kyle, you're in town all weekend. We've been up since 2 a.m. Let's do some bits. So here's the text I sent to Kyle Kanan. I was like, hey, I know it's the Friday before

a holiday weekend that we're recording this. You can record this before you go to camp on Mount Shasta naked. That's what I assumed you were going to do is set up a campsite somewhere and just be naked all weekend. I like that the idea of me has grown bigger than like you're gonna be out somewhere in the wilderness are you still are

you still vanning it or rv in it i have the van i was going i would go out and here and there but i live in oregon yeah yeah and uh i love it did you drive down yeah in a mini cooper that's where i was like i almost i almost took myself out of Dumb People Town last night. Oh, God, no. I was like, should this be the Dumb People Town? Should this be my story? I'm like, this one's too dark. When's the last time you've done something so dumb?

Not funny, silly. We've got to save this. We're going to save this for the Patreon. No, no, but it's not funny. We'll make it funny. We made it last night. We'll make it funny. We made it last night. We'll make it funny. You almost died last night?

I was like, well, I got to get to town to record DPT. Oh, my God. Dan, we can't be the reason. I got to go past the semi on a double yellow. Oh, God. Kyle. I don't like myself. At night.

I don't like myself. Why would you do that? Why would you book a podcast at 9 a.m.? By the way, he's right. He's right. Double yellow. Kyle, are there moments when you're driving where you're like, I don't think the people who painted the road,

like there's a moment I'm like, I don't think they understand because they'll make a dotted yellow line when there's like a turn up ahead and i'm i don't think there are people who understand when to pass and not to pass at all there are this isn't a joke either there are so many people who don't even understand how a four-way stop works and i'm not that's not a there's more than 100 i'm like i don't think they get yeah the order of this no that's the andrew over there has a great bit about it it. The chaos of a traffic light going down. Oh, my God.

And just, well, if this is indicative of what happens to the country. No, we're one traffic light going down away from total chaos. Anybody abolish the police. Show them a four-way intersection. Let's see how we do. You need one guy with gloves telling you what to do. Well, there's that eight-way intersection in Beverly Hills that every time you end up there. It's the circle.

It's that giant circle. It's literally a Mad Max movie every time you're there. Because no one knows. You can take out any way. And it's just eight ways. And it's just a stop sign. It's just an intersection in Beverly Hills. Sure.

Yeah. But do you know what I'm talking about? I know what you're talking about. It's near the Beverly Hills Hotel. It's a giant circle. Yes. There's two diagonal streets and then two north, south, east, west streets. And then all the cars go like this, this. No one knows when to not go. And one person

just always just shoots through it. But that's really a study, and I'm more important than you. But you're going to have a mix right there, a mix of like just tourists are not even used to driving on the same side of the road, let alone in a convertible Mustang. There's Hollywood.

And then just someone who was probably wrote on Small Wonder. Yes, right. And still has the house. Like the old Rolls Royce. I don't have time for this. And then there's one or two of us who's been rerouted to go over Beverly Glen to meet up with their friend in Studio City.

In the valley. Where am I? And then there's all the support staff for the guy who worked on Small Wonder. I got to get there. There's so many healthcare workers that are going to lose their jobs. I'm glad you made it. I'm glad you made it. I am too.

It was real stupid. You didn't do dumb stuff. You're here. I'm glad you're here. Let's get you made it. I am too. It was real stupid. You didn't do dumb stuff. You're here. I'm glad you're here. Let's get into stories. Okay, you ready? Yes. Sent in by Shameless Plug for my book, but then I don't know what the book is.

What's the book? I don't know. It's at H-C-R. It's H-C-Royal, but it's Roy, R-O-Y-A-L-L. Royale? Royale. Royale. H-C-Royale.

H-C-Royale. That's a handle. That's what you put on a vanity plate of an old Roll? Royale. H-C-Royale. H-C-Royale. That's a handle. That's what you put on a vanity plate of an old Rolls Royce. Yeah. H-C-Royale. That's a fake Beastie Boy. Here's a headline. It's like their friend that they played basketball with.

It was really good that they always name check. Let's cut him in on some residuals. It's also a really good nickname if you're on the And One tour. H-C-Royale. By the way, i saw a great documentary did you watch it uh-huh okay so at the end one mixtape yeah did you watch it no it's like the untold story okay uh here we go headline man develops sudden amnesia after sex with wife how is that even that's it doesn't happen that much so then it happened and it sort of this is a real deal his

brain i'm i think they're going deep role play yeah like you're talking about like did you there's a great and i talk about this i want you to be a stranger okay done who are you who am i who am i anymore no but there is the the legs mcne book about porn, which is just an unbelievable 600-page, I'll call it a romp, where he talks about every angle of porn ever. So the porn industry out here, the booths that were bought and built and all this stuff in New York City and Times Square and everything. And then there were these two undercover cops who were trying to basically bust a porn ring in Florida, and they went deep, deep, deep undercover. Another great movie. Deep, deep, deep undercover. They went so deep undercover.

Don't have enough evidence yet. We've got to stay in, guys. So they did, but then they kind of- So they were playing like mobsters, and one of them got so into his role as this guy that he started committing crime. Serpicock? Yeah.

There it is. Sorry. They started committing crime. Serpicoque? Yeah. There it is. Sorry. He started committing crime as this guy. So I feel like this is what this guy did. He went sober. A man got amnesia 10 minutes after having afternoon sex with his wife. Doggy style day afternoon. Okay.

Afternoon sex with his wife. That makes me feel like they are still very much in love. He's thinking of one more. It's not good. Donnie Brasscock. Donnie Brasscock. It wasn't. Donnie Brasscock.

Donnie Brasscock. We knew it was in there. 9 a.m. Everybody knows the best one is just scent of a woman. A man got amnesia 10 minutes after having afternoon sex with his wife, temporarily wiping his memory of the previous day and rendering him unable to retain new information, doctors have said. Wait, doctors are saying this? This really happened.

That's how good she is. She can wipe your memory clean. You had a bad day? Not anymore. Forget about it. She's like the human mind eraser. The man became distressed after he looked at his phone. You're not buying this.

I can tell you're not buying this. What is your question? Just a day? He just forgot a day? He lost the day before. Everything from the day before. That's like time traveler who can only travel like 18 minutes. Which would be pretty great.

I don't know what I did the day before. Did I have sex with this guy's wife? I don't know what I did the day before. Did I have sex with this guy's wife? I don't know what I did. The man became distressed. Go ahead, Kyle. No, no, I'm agreeing. After he looked at his phone after sex one afternoon, saw the date, and thought that he had forgotten his wedding anniversary, when in fact he'd celebrated it with his wife and family the day before.

Oh, my God. So this was the day after their anniversary. They were having afternoon sex. These two are in love. Do we have ages on these people? We will, yeah. We'll guess it. Oh, okay.

That's what I was going to say. Okay, but so they have kids, too. Yes. So they're having afternoon sex. Who says because the kids are at school? Because the kids are at school. Which, by the way, that's useful with your time. Yeah, you've got a schedule.

Good scheduling. So he saw the date. He thought he forgot his wedding anniversary when, in fact, he'd celebrated it with his family. Doctors in Limerick Island said this in a case report published in the official Journal of Irish. There once was a man doctor from Limerick. Yes.

So the Office Journal of Irish Medical Organization on Wednesday. I mean. This is the most Irish excuse type of shit. Right? I can't Irish goodbye just having sex with my wife, but I could Irish forget. Irish forget is a new thing. What did we do there? Where was I yesterday?

You're telling me we did what? With who? You don't say. The memory loss lasted for how long? How long did he completely... So then he did get it back. If it was Tuesday, he gets it back. If it was Tuesday, how long had he lost Monday before it came back to him?

Why do you... Yeah. Just for a guess. Oh, this isn't the main part of the guess. No. How long do you think he was without memories of the day before? It's like his own little mini memento. He said it was a day. He said he lost the day of Monday. No, he without memories of the day before it's like his own little mini moment he said it was a day he said he lost the day no he lost he couldn't remember the day before

but how long on wednesday how long could he not remember tuesday he he forgets the day before that by the way that is its own other movie that's a steve carell kids. That's never been kissed? I think it – I'll guess first, and Kyle, you can hear where I – I think it took a week before he got that memory back. So if he lost – if on Wednesday he forgot about Tuesday, you took until the next Wednesday that he's like, oh, now I remember. Everything's back up. I say Friday. So I think –

For three days? Three days. I say a. So I think. For three days? Three days. I say a week. What do you think? I feel like, I like Friday because I feel like by the weekend, he's got stuff he wants to do. So he's like, I better get rid of this scam. My fugue state.

I had some golfing. I can't play golf if I still have amnesia. So you're going to say Saturday, maybe? Yeah. You're like, oh, it was yesterday, Friday. So today's Saturday. I'm cured. I wish it Yeah, you're like, oh, it was yesterday, Friday? So today's Saturday? I'm cured. I wish it was all this.

Five, three, four, seven. The memory loss lasted for one hour. One hour? With the man repeatedly questioning his wife and daughter over the events of the morning and the previous day. So he's like, I had sex with your mom this afternoon. And the daughter's like, stop. Please stop. My thumb was in your mother's asshole 20 minutes ago. You're telling me that? He's like, I had sex with your mom this afternoon. And the daughter's like, stop.

My thumb was in your mother's asshole 20 minutes ago. You're telling me that? None of us want to remember this. None of us want to remember this. He's like, that's not the point, though. I don't remember anything before that. What did we do yesterday? I was basically role-playing with your mother. But we've all traveled so much where somebody goes, what did you do yesterday?

And you have no idea. No idea? You're like, where was I yesterday? No, he literally had amnesia, though. It was gone. He lost it. He lost it. Kyle is not buying this at all.

Not at all. For an hour of just like, I don't remember what I did yesterday. And he went to the doctor. I mean, this is like a crime where there's only one witness. You know what I mean? You're like, I guess we got to believe him. He said he saw the other thing but if you were faking it would you give up after an hour to learn to like what did that

even buy you yeah pranksters so i can say that this irish prankster but the idea that like maybe he was trying to pump up his wife a little bit and be like the sex was so good you literally i don't even know where i am right i lost memories i'm telling you these two are in love the man who was not identified in the case report visited the emergency room okay and had a completely normal neurological examination by the time he got there kyle you've had bike accidents you've had the gout uh you know what one of the first times i met you you had just fallen on top of a lock I was playing charades with our family in on a family vacation and I went to like fake like I was falling and I really fell and hurt like everything I was like this is the dumbest I'm like I'm doing a pratfall and really hurt my knee.

I keep hearing the commitment's important. And then you do a bit where you're like, I broke a rib. I know. It's not good. Too much commitment. So you, but even still,

when that happens, you've, you've been hurt enough times. You're like going to the emergency room is like a bad call. That's like your next two days. Yeah. But if you're in a country where they take care of it with good health care appropriate okay yeah that's like oh i think this might be bad i should go we'll duck

in real quick to the hospital now you're like yeah it's not like you're not like me where i'm like just putting weird leaves over this wound on my leg right now hoping that magic takes care of what did that witch doctor tell me to do about this? No, no. I thought about going to the emergency room, and I just got charged $7,000. How does that happen? I didn't even go.

Yeah, listen. I could either save up for a down payment on a house for the rest of my life, or I had the sniffles for like 10 days. Or I had amnesia for an hour before the emergency. Doctors diagnosed the man with transient global amnesia. That is not a thing. Global. TGA.

That's what it says there. Does that get you in a special lane when you're flying international? Yes. Yes. I have clear and I also have transient global amnesia. Clear TGA means you. It's a benign condition that causes sudden. TGA pre-check.

I have TGA pre-check. TGA pre-check. At least I think I do. Wait. You can't remember. I can't remember. He passed. He passed the test.

He's good. Why am I getting on this plane? He's good. He's good. He's good. Where are we going? Excellent, sir. Sir, let me see your ticket.

Where are you going? I don't know. Get him through. Sir, are you TGA... I didn't pay for coach. All right, you're out. Let's see. That's where we test.

Sir, are you TGA pre-check? I don't know. Get him you're out. Let's see. That's what we said. Sir, are you TGA PreCheck? I don't know. Get him in. Can I tell you guys a quick TSA PreCheck story? Yes. So I'm in Houston, and the past couple times I've flown there, they have a new machine that's supposed to really look in your bags. Yeah.

But every time I go there, it gets so backed up that then they just open the other lane with the old school stuff, and they just fly everybody through. And so I walk. This is just a classic me. I walk up. How are you doing today? I'm starting to back up on the new machine, and I thought if I wait about two minutes,

I will get put into the other thing, and I'll just get out of here. But I didn't do it. And so I wait, and the stuff goes through, and they back up. I counted at one point on the other side of the metal detector, there were 16 people waiting for their bags. And at one point, eight bags had been pulled out to be actually gone through. There was one person going through them. I wasn't mad at the TSA people at all because they were as frustrated as we are because they're being forced to use this machine.

And they don't have any more people to help than what they have there and there's these two just classic like 67 year old like white dudes with like charts and they are obviously there to like adjudicate this machine and how it's working that's right and so and also i have this by this this is my like third flight with all this luggage. Nothing gets pulled out. It hasn't been. And nothing ever does because we all know how to travel. Right.

They've pulled both my bags, right? And so I go, hey, man. That loud? That loud. I go, hey, man. And this old, this 67-year-old dude, he kind of like looks up from his thing, you know, and I go, I just go, this ain't it. This, it ain't it.

I get what you're trying to do, but this ain't it, man. I wish I was there, Dan. Hasn't been for 20 years. Right. This ain't it. And he goes, he goes, like he like says something, but like not enough for me to hear it. I go, no idea what you said, but I hope it was an agreement

because this ain't it. They end up i finally people clap when you say people are mad i'm sure but like dan finally said something 20 minutes it took 20 minutes just on the other side finally they give me my first bag the woman i go hey i'm not mad at you this is ridiculous you have to do this she goes i know this machine so she like opens up myself she's like there's is there anything in here i go no she fine, here's your bag. Then my backpack comes through, right? Which also I'm like, there's nothing in there, right? It comes up and I go, what did this get pulled for?

She goes, nothing. I go, what do you mean? She goes, it timed out. It sat on the belt so long with everything being backed up. They had to get checked again because it sat there for so long with everything being backed up they just started they had to get checked again because it sat there for so long and i just kept i just i just kept saying to the guy go this ain't it man ain't it this ain't it i get what we're trying to do this ain't it oh you're not that guy i appreciate your patience oh what was i gonna do i used to travel with all the uh the comedy

central voice over the recording kit. It was all mics and cables, and shit would get pulled. I'm like, which shape? Long and skinny. Bottom left of the bag. I would just direct them. You would know. I'm like, I know what you're looking for.

It's this. It's a microphone. It's a microphone. This attaches to the microphone. These are not bombs. I do this every weekend. Jeez. Let me get behind a machine and do the job.

Let me help you out. These are scissors. No. Scissors. So TGA, anybody remember what it stands for? Transglobal Amnesia. Good job, boys. I didn't.

I didn't. I can't believe we were in that. I didn't either. So we don't have it. I'm looking at it. We don't have it. You guys, you're not getting on that flight today. We don't have it.

It's a benign condition that causes sudden short-term memory loss and the inability to form new memories. Any memory loss typically lasts four to six hours without the need of treatment, but it can last up to 24 hours. Do you think this guy's like, I'm going to have a stroke down the road? The doctors who authored the report said repetitive questions and an inability to retain answers are key features to a TGA. Honest thought here, you would be terrified. Oh, my God. And so would your people and your family. Especially with us, they'd be like, stop fucking around.

And then would you eventually go, no, I really don't know anything that happened this morning or yesterday. No, it's like the newswoman who started talking gibberish on the air. And it's like all of a sudden you're not the thing you're supposed to be. TGA can mimic other conditions such as stroke, dementia, or epilepsy. That's what I'm saying. And may have implications for certain jobs such as pilots. No shit. Yes.

Yeah, maybe don't let this happen. How do I fly this? Right. Where are we? Where are we going? All the conditions should affect pilots. Yes. You shouldn't have any conditions.

Yeah, there's nothing. That's why pilots shouldn't drink. We don't know exactly what- Why does every pilot look exactly alike? Every pilot looks like, were you in the military? No. Yeah, well, most of them, yeah. We don't know exactly what causes TGA, but it has been linked to several activities,

including physical exertion, so don't work out, immersion in cold or hot water, emotional stress, pain, and sex. This is crazy. So what is he going to say now? I can't have sex with my wife anymore? I can't have sex anymore? No. Don't let that stop you from love.

She banged the memories out of him. Don't let that stop you from love. It's only a few hours. I mean, come on. I'm going to do it the kind where I get weird for a while after I start doing that. Listen, he needs the hours to reload anyway. He can go to a spa and get in one of their cold baths and have TGA.

You give TGA? The man in the case report had experienced the exact same phenomenon or phenomena seven years prior. TGA can happen to a person more than once, though exactly how often is not agreed upon. We'll get out of here on this. How old? How old is the guy who suffered from TGA?

So this is either going to be really scary or you're like, yeah, he's probably, you know. So he has a kid. He's in Ireland. So that doesn't help you that much. Yeah. So he could have done that. Still having sex with his wife in the afternoon. That could have been great grandkids in the house.

Could have been. What are you feeling, Kyle? I'm just going to go wild 63 on this. Okay. 63, Jay. What do you think? I'm going to say 36. 36?

49. 49? 49? The man with TGA is 66 years old. Oh! Wow. Done, Kyle Kinney. By the way, this stuff is going to start happening.

You know your TGA, man. Racking them up at 66 so hard you forget things. I mean, Kyle. Done, Kyle Canades. By the way, this stuff is going to start happening. You know your TGA, man. Racking them up at 66 so hard you forget things. I mean, yeah. And have an afternoon sex with your wife the day after your anniversary. They're in bed by 6 p.m. anyway. By the way, this is- But they're still doing it. Yeah, but it's only, yeah.

And it's still light out. They're still doing it, but it's going to be in daylight hours. Still light out. Right. They haven't had dinner in the dark in 20 years. Do you wonder if they went to bed? All that soda bread after 5 p.m.?

Nobody's good for anything. Do you wonder if they went to bed the night of their anniversary and were like, we'll do it tomorrow? We'll do it tomorrow. I promise tomorrow. Right now,

I just need to go to sleep. They had a big meal with family. Exactly. Tomorrow. Yeah, they had their kids. Tomorrow, I'm going to fuck the memories out of you.

This corned beef was so shit. That's what she said to him. Let me expunge the cabbage from my system. You can't have cabbage sex. You can't have cabbage sex. Oh, dude, cabbage sex is love sex. It depends what door he was going in. All right, guys, that is the first story.

When we come back, we'll find out what Kyle Kinane is doing, and we'll let you know what we've got going on. All of this on the other side of the break. It's not Dumb People Town. Stick around. Make it sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys.

Welcome back to the show. Before we get into all the great things Kyle is doing, we want to let you know. We've got a fun announcement. We've got a fun announcement. Yes. And Dan also, you can go see Dan in Honolulu. No, I just left.

It just happened. I just left. You just missed him. Have you done stand-up Honolulu? At the Blue Note? No, stand-up Honolulu. I'm doing the Blue Note in like three weeks. Have you done it before?

Not the Blue Note. I've done a place called Hawaiian Brian's. I'm going to go check it out for you. I'm going to scope out the Blue Note for you. You want to go back out there? Yes. We'll do it with you. Yes. I love it. I'll just stay go check it out for you. I'm going to scope out the blue note for you. You want to go back out there? Yes. We'll do it with you. Yes.

I love it. I'll just stay. Oh, wait. Post it. Okay. All right. So, Dan, give the little tease of the announcement. Okay.

Obviously, this show is like the most fun show that any of us have ever done, including Kyle Kinane. And every few years, we like to kind of mix it up how we do things. So, if you love Dumb People Town, you're going to love it even more. We're going to announce that next week, and then we'll tease it for a little bit. But starting in October, yes, that includes the live shows. The show that you love, you're going to love a whole lot more. We're going to mix up the way we do it just a little bit.

I love it. Nothing's going to change. It's still going to be Dumb People Stories talking about – well, Dumb People talking about Dumb People Stories with great dumb guests. The way we do it will be a little – we're going to switch our pitch up a little bit, which I love. We'll talk about that later. Hey, by the way, our UFC show, you can still watch the first episode. It's free on YouTube. You can go to our Instagram.

We're trying to get a million views on this first episode. We can do it. I think we can do it because we want them to order a bunch more. We'll write something fun for Kyle Kinane to do in the show if we get a second season, which would be a blast. And, yeah, so that is happening. And then you can come see Dumb People Town live. We'll be in Nashville at the Hutton at the Analog Room. The next night we're in.

That's on October 13th. October 13th. That's a Thursday night. And then the next night. Friday night we're at the Den Theater in Chicago. Chicago. And we're doing a stand-up show right after that. Yep. So you can get tickets for both. I think they're discount a stand-up show right after that. Yep.

So you can get tickets for both. I think they're discount tickets if you want to go to both those shows. And then we're going to be at the River Spirit Casino in Tulsa on Sunday night. The River Sticks. I love Tulsa. And then on Sunday night, we'll be at the Bell House doing the podcast live with Andrew Dismukes and Roy Wood Jr. and Cut Worms, the band. It's going to be so much fun.

All this stuff is happening. If you can go to superscleros.com, you can get tickets. We have links there. Or danielvankirk.com. I think these shows may sell out because we haven't been on the road in years. I'm very excited to do it. Daniel's got stuff at danielvankirk.com. Yeah.

In fact, coming up, this just happened. Guys, on Yom Kippur, this is how I'm celebrating. On the 5th, I am going to be in Austin, Texas. That is October 5th. And then on the 6th, I am going to be in Lafayette, Louisiana. And then on the 7th, I will be in Houston, Texas. And on the 9th, I'm in

College Station. So go to DanielVanKirk.com to hang out with me and have fun. Kyle Kinane, I just want to say you've been releasing the clips of you animated a special and then I've been watching Dude, that animated clip, I think I've told you this before. The animated stuff came out and I thought it was

going to be like a move the needle and nobody cared. I thought so too. I thought it was beautiful. There was just like raw footage, like a single like really like move the needle and nobody cared i would have thought so too i thought it was beautiful there was just like raw footage like a single camera footage of when i taped that special and that's the stuff that took off all right we know what people want so but i it's so fun i love it every time i see that i was just like it's such good stuff i mean a single camera of you just standing up with a like a fuchsia background. It was a comedy on state. Yeah.

It was a comedy on state. Phenomenal. The one camera, yeah. Oh, my God. Phenomenal. And I just loved it. And you were in such a, I don't know. I don't know if you had the idea you were going to animate it before you did that,

and that's what happened. But you were just in a very relaxed state. I loved it. Well, that was what video looks like when you think you're just recording audio for a special, and so everything's relaxed. I loved it. Well, that was what video looks like when you think you're just recording audio for a special, and so everything's relaxed. I loved it. And it's so natural and pure. Everybody's like, this is what all specials should be like.

But then as soon as you tape a special, and there's three or four cameras moving around, and you're like, oh, God, I flubbed a word. Can I say it again? Will the magic be gone? Anyway, I recorded a special like that in May, so that'll be out soon. Did really yeah yeah where's it gonna be do we know uh i i you know i got like a handlers that are like and then we'll try and sell them who care put on youtube who cares like what i love youtube what like let's put it behind a paywall somewhere like i don't care so people find your stuff i i we it keeps circling through all

of our social stuff because we just watch it no it's great no but i mean if you like a clip all of a sudden we're gonna get a lot more clips of your stuff and that is what keeps happening and i think that algorithm is great for people like i mean one small thing and again it's like you're the it's so funny because you do something that we get this a lot with our, like the show cheap seats in our new show. The nosebleeds people are just like, ah, it feels like I'm just hanging out with you.

And they, and we're like, that's the point. But we work so hard as Dan knows to write jokes and make the craft of the actual writing of the joke. I'm sure people like, it's just like hanging out with Kyle. I mean, his stream of consciousness stuff is so great. I'm like, no, no, no.

He writes all of this. That stream came from a mountain glacier five years ago that melted and went through a lot of rewriting and trial and error. I saw a little clip recently about you were talking about saging your apartment. You had to try new stuff. I think it was probably right after the

2016 election. That was from a Netflix thing. Right? And you were like, we've got to try new stuff. I think it was probably right after the 2016 election. Yeah, that was from a Netflix thing. Yeah. Right? And you were like, I'm just trying new stuff. And I think you used the phrase, like, witchcraftery or witchery. I said witchcraft, which I'll get some shit for because now somebody's going to be mad. Whatever! I was like, I'm new at witchcraft.

But you said, I'm new to witchcraft. I don't know what this is. And it made me laugh so hard because I wasn't expecting it. I'm like, oh, he just staged his apartment. Anyway, that's just so. So you got the special that'll be coming out soon. We'll let people know where it is. It's going to be at the Blue Note.

We just found out. It's going to be at the Blue Note. In Honolulu. But where can people, I'm assuming other dates on the horizon. October, November. All kinds. I love playing. I love doing shows.

Like all these things, like where is it going to be? Can you sell it on Netflix? I just want to sell tickets. So wherever the stand-up has to exist on the internet for people to see it, to then buy tickets to come out, that's where I'll go. I just buy tickets. Anybody who likes stand-up, buy tickets, go see people live. I love it.

I've seen old headliners that want to cash in when you're working the road and you see the dude with the same crusty blazer they've brought to the same gigs for five years and their crowd works the same. You don't love this anymore, but you have not done something else to escape. I love it. I still love it.

You can tell. And I think for audiences who come, it's like something special happens on stage. Every time we've seen you we've been lucky enough to – Tulsa. Tulsa, man. Tulsa was a blast, yeah. Tulsa, remember that?

That was a world comedy festival. We got to sit down and watch you do a full headline set at Canes. At Canes Ballroom. Oh, my God. We were like – And I was like, well, that's – We watched you do a full set. We watched Eugene Merman do a full set.

And we're like, oh, my God, I love this so much. I live outside of Portland now, and I can go to Helium, and Helium's a good club, and then the headliners. I'm like, oh, I get to see all my friends. I only see them do like seven minutes or 12 minutes here and there. I get to see what their hour looks like. Right. And I'm learning so much.

Yeah. Again, from watching people. I just went to see Beth Stelling a few weeks ago. Amazing, man. This is the most casual yet every sentence, there's like no wasted words words she's a great writer but it's so casually delivered i'm like i gotta be like this more yeah it inspires you yeah it inspires you to want to make your stuff better in certain ways awesome kyle canane.com yeah people can check it out in the world just go

see him go and then thank us afterwards you're man. Just go see him. Go see him. Go and then thank us afterwards. You can tweet at us. Go see him and tweet at him and be like, hey, I heard that I should go see these guys on this podcast and see him on this podcast and thank you for doing that. And lastly, Kyle,

I know you've got great podcasts. Will you please let our listeners know who to, what to check out? Right here on Starburns. I have the Boogie Monster with my pal Dave Stone going strong at about six years.

Awesome. And I got a new one with Shane Torres called No Accounting for Taste, and that's elsewhere. Alright, should we jump into another show? Let's do it. You ready? Yeah. Thank you, guys. This was sent in by... Well, first of all, we have a couple shout-outs. Oh, can we do some? Let's do it. Yeah.

Jefferson A. Davis, not a president. Not a president? And also... Never gonna be president. Never gonna be president. Isn't there a person we know who has a name very similar to this, used to co-host Harmontown? Jeffrey Bryant? Jeff B. Davis.

Yes. Oh, yeah, I know Jeff Davis. Okay, ready for this one? That was Italian. This is Italian. Oivind Rotvold. Oivind Rotvold. O-I-V-I-N-D.

Italian. R-O-T-V-O-L-D. Italian. R-O-T-V-O-T. Sounds Yiddish. O-Y-V-I-N-D. O-Y-V-I-N-D. You can only go up on O-Y-V-I-N-D. O-Y-V-I-N-D? O-Y-V-I-N-D?

Who's coming? O-Y-V-I-N-D? I love getting to give these shout outs to people who are members of our Patreon. Join us. It's only five bucks. Yeah. Chris Green is a true local. Yeah, baby.

All right, here we go. This was sent in by Jen Ameddy at J-A-M-E-D-Y 51. This was sent in by Jen Ameddy at jameddy51. Jen Ameddy. Jen Ameddy. Man becomes dog and practices rolling, sitting, and paw. What? You heard my ass. So he needed to practice paw.

He wants to be on the patrol. Is this a sex thing? When did he lose his memory? Doesn't everything eventually become a sex thing it really does everything too much of everything will eventually become sex I don't know if I've told you this story

that he had to practice sitting so my wife is like so empathetic to people that if she gets into a cab or an Uber or something with somebody and the person is not in English is not their first language, she starts to adopt their accent just to be nice to them.

I do the same thing. And I have to tell myself to not do it. So she's trying to use, trying to in a way say things that the way this person is saying them so that the person doesn't feel bad. So we were in a cab one time, I forgot where we were,

and my wife was explaining to this person where we needed to go what we're doing and in the process of explaining she's now fully adopted his accent and she's like we're going to um how you say i was like how you say you know how to say it how do i sit you know how to sit she really gives a paw you know how to get you have to learn it how you should be saying how you hear yeah that's what she should be saying because she needs she needs him to hear it the way he says it this guy's learning how to sit you know how to say you know how to sit you know how to do some people spend millions of pounds this comes from the uk from the mirror millions of pounds to look like their favorite celebrity or barbie doll but one man from japan dedicated his savings to becoming a dog i mean more power if that's what you want it is a sex that him this is him that is not him this is him how's that a

guy this is a guy no let me see yes it is how's that a guy it is not how's that a guy? It is not. How's that a guy? That is not a guy. Tell me right now how that's a guy or I'll walk out of this place because he's creeping me out, man. I don't know how that's a guy. I got a very tenuous relationship with just society in general and tell me how that's a guy. How's that a guy? Where's my camera? You can go to our social media, Twitter, Instagram.

For those who can't see you you're listening to this this is a picture of lassie you are looking at 9 a.m you guys this is not a guy dan that's a guy that's a dog that's a guy what's uncle steve doing oh have you seen his facebook page this is the shaggy d.a come to life japan really goes oh yeah it really goes all in. It really goes all in on the poker table of fetishes. You think you're into cosplay and then you see this guy. I want this guy to show up at work like this. This guy's better

than the animals in The Lion King. What's this guy? He's a dog walker. That's what he used to do. Follow me. Follow me. Do what I do. Serpicali. Dan, that's not him. Do what I do. Serpicali. Serpicali. He wants Serpicali.

Dan, that is not him. He's laddy. That is not a guy. He's in deep cover. He went deep. Look at his little fucking feet. That's a guy. That's not a guy. There's no way that's a guy.

There is no way that's a guy. You know that the clip for this week is just going to be You guys going like that's not a guy This is a picture of a dog This is a guy Dan He spent approximately How much in US dollars To look exactly like his favorite breed of canine

How much does that breed cost And how much does it cost To gut it And wear it. It's your own. Put the lotion in the basket. Who wants to go first? How much does that cost?

Price of a purebred and price of a partly taxidermied creature. I'm going to give it, I'm going to say it's two grand. I don't think, I don't know. I say $3,500. $1,200 for the dog, $1,200 for the flesh. I'm going to say he spent $75,000. Okay. He spent approximately, which it's exact, $14,410 to look exactly like his favorite breed of canine.

I mean, there are people. First of all, can we say it worked? It totally worked. First of all, he's now hanging out in dog runs. People are petting him in ways that they weren't given his love before. Is that what he wants, though? Yes. I mean, he's a collie.

He clearly still wants to be a boss. Yeah. It was his lifelong dream. He wants to round up bitches. No, but so we were talking before about Kyle. Yeah. We were talking before about Kyle. You're like, I love stand-up.

I just love it. I also know you love to mountain bike. I also know you love camping. To hurt yourself. You love to hurt. You love to do stupid things to hurt yourself. But you like camping. Other things.

There are things that you love in this world. Sure. If you're like, Kyle, you have three weeks to do whatever you want. And if work is not, you would fill that with things that you love. There are people walking around out there with things that – they're like, what do I love? I don't even know what I love. I don't even know what I want to do. I thought you were going to say, do you love anything this much?

So many people have butt plugs in nowadays that you just have no idea. You just have Ralphs, and somebody is like walking a little weird. Oh, that's what people do now. Listen, shameless plug right now. Me and Shane Torres – Shameless butt plug. God damn it. it was right there shane torres and i have a podcast called no accounting for taste so we just we're just

trying to defend things and i'm like i don't know when the limit of like you don't kink shame anymore like there's no you can't kink anymore but we got to be able to talk about it but We got to be able to talk about it. But, yeah, talking about it, yes. Because I'm like, I want to go, like, is this guy happy right now? Or what if he spends the $14,610? Yeah, said it wasn't worth it. And now he's a dog, and he's like.

There's only one way to find out. I bet he's happier than he's ever been in his life. He's got to spend another $14,000 on a different dog costume. Is this the first effort? That means there was beta versions of this dog. Here we go. Oh, boy. It was his lifelong dream to turn into a dog. Sure.

And a talented costume company made his unusual request happen. Talented costume company. The man, who identifies as Toko, bought a realistic Border Collie costume from Zeppet, a Japanese agency known for creating sculptures and models for movies. I mean you've heard my story about the dog in the neighborhood so when I first moved to my neighborhood I had an English so now I have a different idea of this whole thing so I had my my English Bulldog tell him Virgil at the time we just told this story like three episodes ago

god damn it it doesn't matter it applies so we had the dog and there was an older japanese woman in my neighborhood who i was meeting i was meeting my neighbors for the first time this 2003 and i and the dogs got tangled up a little bit and i'm saying i'm randy and i'm like fixing the dogs and i just heard i didn't hear anything and then all of a sudden i heard the word Keiko. And all of a sudden the dog is like in my crotch, a huge golden retriever, just like nose in my crotch. And I started to say, Keiko, no, get your nose out of my crotch. Keiko, stop. Your nose is in my balls.

Keiko, stop. And then I realized much later that the Japanese woman's name was Keiko. So I was saying over and over to this kind woman, get out of my crotch. Keiko's a great name either way. Why did she say her own name? Oh, because you were introducing yourself. But I didn't hear. I was like, this is Virgil.

I'm Randy. And then I heard like the things got tangled. I heard Keiko. And I was like, Keiko, get your nose out of my crotch. And that was the woman. Keiko, you crotch hound you. You get it? Get a little TGA.

It happens everywhere. What if this was her husband? I don't know. Right. Well, yeah, if the dog that was in your crotch was her husband? I don't know. If the dog that was in your crotch was her husband. Japanese. He hires Zepet, a Japanese agency known for creating sculptures and models for movies. That's the top. You want to go with them.

It reportedly took Zepet how long to make that costume? Because Toko kept adding improvements to make it perfect. And I'm sure they love the notes process with Toko. Well, I mean, he's paying for it. How long did it take? How long do you think it took to get that good where you didn't even think that was a man? It's still a dog.

It's still a man. I didn't want to think about this kind of stuff. I think it was probably like three years. Dan, here's the thing. I'm already looking ahead to the end of this where you're going to say, how old is this guy? And we have to do it in dog years. No. Guys,

they put him down. He fulfilled his dream. They put him down. Maybe that's the euthanasia loophole because suicide is maybe it's frowned upon. How long do you think? Jay? How long do I think what?

That it took them to make the dog costume. Do you have TGA? I don't know what I think. That it took them to make the dog costume. To make the dog costume. Zepet. You've seen it. Probably like two months.

Okay. First of all, Zepet is my favorite Marx brother. Sure. I just said that. All right. It probably took like seven months. It took them 40 days. That's pretty great.

That's pretty good. To make that costume. Yeah, that's great. Jesus Christ. That's a real dog. And 40 nights. They used a real dog. So they're like, we made this awesome costume, and then they just took a photo of a real

dog. It's 40 days to adopt a collie. If this guy showed up at Comic-Con, people would lose their minds. This guy's way better than the Tron guy. Yes. Right? He's his own emotional support animal. I was going to say then you imagine what's the appropriation if like he just needs his

friend to pretend to be blind. It just keeps going to get him in. Right. He said, I made it a collie. Flies for free. He does. I made it a collie because it looks real

when I put it on, Toko told the Japanese news outlet. My favorite is quadrupedal animals. Did I do that right? Yeah, quadrupedal. Quadrupedal. Especially cute ones. Among them,

I thought that a big animal close to me would be good considering it would be a realistic model, so I decided to make it a dog. But I don't understand how it, like, a human's arms and legs length. I don't understand how he can. Toko, who has his own YouTube channel, shared a now viral video of himself in the costume titled, I Tried to Become a Collie.

I'd say you did it. You did it. I'd want to see him getting into this costume because i don't believe it no he's he can be seen rolling over for belly rubs pretending to sit and lifting his paws zeppit also shared a selection of images of the costume on twitter racking looking in the background is it his own boner that comes out of the bottom of it yeah he gets a little red you had to paint it red oh god a little lipstick yeah that's it yeah oh my god this is maybe one of the most shocking things i've ever seen on this show but i want to celebrate somebody who's oh hold on that's me let me get rid of that okay are you

gonna show us the video of him no i'm not there's no real. I mean, it's fine. There isn't. Okay, that's him. Wait. Wait, it does look like a guy. Let me see. It just looks like a super arthritic dog. It does look like a guy, though. He's like doing things the way of. Look at him.

Look at him. It does look like a guy. Wait, dude. It does look like a guy. It does look like a guy. But also looks still very much like a dog. It's so real, dude. Dan does look like a guy. It's got some... It does look like a guy. But also looks still very much like a dog. It's so real, dude. Dan, send us this video. Dan, this is the most...

I want to celebrate people that just... If you knew Frank Sinatra singing My Way... Sure. ...culminated in this. Right. I don't know why. Every weird thing in the world, I want to know Frank Sinatra's reaction like why I heard my way very illogical Xena logical Like if all this was like Frank Sinatra not realizing what he unleashed. I don't know the power of what I do.

All right. There we go. That's it. Give us a little teaser of what we're going to hear in story three. Oh, just a really dumb drunk driver. Can't wait. And then for Patreon fans, Kyle is going to share a very dumb story from his life. We've all do dumb things.

I love hearing him talk about the dumb things he does in his life because it is hilarious. It's Dumb People Town. Don't go anywhere. Stick around. Make it sound for more Dumb People Town. All right, Daniel, take us home. Ready? This was sent in by – oh, I have a couple shout-outs really quick.

Townie, Denton Carpenter. Denton Carpenter. Denton Carpenter coaches Little League, does not have kids. Also, could play center field for the Cardinals. Right. And I don't mean that in a creepy way. I mean, just a great dude is like, I'm out here coaching these kids. Also really believes in God.

Catherine Breeze. Breeze? Breeze. Breezees Pieces? Breezees Pieces. And then a true local, Eric Duncan. Duncan. Come on.

American runs on Eric. Duncan. American runs on Eric. Drunk Driver. This is sent in by Ace of Finance at Dragon ILM. That's a new one. I love it. I saw the financial signs and it opened up my mind.

All that she wants and I saw the sign are two of my most hated songs from the 90s. So there's one dude in Acea Base that has very bad skin. No, he has a hair lip. I think he had a hair lip. I could be wrong. Maybe. I couldn't tell you what they look like. I had no idea. But then they covered it up. I'm like, just let him be himself. Why are you trying to put a shadow on him?

Let him be. Let him be. Let him be who he is. He's got a good voice. I mean, I saw it as a sign. Drunk driver crashes, heads straight to dealership to try and sell damaged car with missing tire. He crashed to... I was waiting for you to catch up. So he got to the dealership on three tires.

Drunk driver crashes, heads straight to dealership to try and sell damaged car with missing tire. You are just going through the day. That's a level of drunk... Nothing's going to stop you. We're just on to the next thing. Time to just going through the day. That's a level of drug. Nothing's going to stop you. We're just onto the next thing. So he's just like, no one will know if I keep them on the 75% good side of this vehicle. Yeah, we're good. Don't walk around. Show the one side Evansville, Indiana, W F I. Police say they arrested a driver who was very drunk after at least five people called 911. Officers say the call started coming in around 4.40 p.m. Monday.

A.K.A. long weekend. Yeah, like one call about someone and they're like, I don't know. I got that Irish forgetful thing, officer. I don't know what happened. It was Saturday or Monday. They say witnesses reported seeing an SUV hit the median of the Lloyd Expressway near Main Street exit. They say the crash caused a flat tire and the car to smoke, but the driver kept on going. Kept going.

I'm sure how they lived their life. Have you ever seen like a crazy crash happen right in front of you? Yes. So I was coming on from the 101 to the 134, and there's an interchange where people can come from and say, I love that interchange. But just people are coming. So someone's coming off.

I forgot even what they were coming off to get there, but I saw they got hit and then went right into the wall right in front of me and i was like i was it was like shocking everybody was fine but it was just shocking to see a car get hit and then just kind of roll into a wall over there i was like this is just crazy so this guy if you ain't rubbing you ain't trying to get to an audition sometimes you gotta trade paint to be there on time. So this guy hits the median and then keeps going. Loses a tire, car's smoking, keeps going.

Other callers say the driver was all over the road, now missing a front tire. They say he eventually stopped at a car dealership and appeared, quote, super drunk. Yeah. Super drunk. Yeah. Employees told police officers that the driver, Jordan Mattingly, was trying to sell his SUV. Mattingly, the hit king. The hit king.

I want to know what kind of SUV this is. It sounds pretty durable. It does sound very durable. Did he get into a deal after a crash? Police say he had swelling and scratches as if he had just been in a crash. You all right, buddy? Yeah, I'm just trying to unload this fucking car. What are you going to give me trading?

Because I'll go to CarMax. They already said they'll give me a good deal. CarMax would take it. CarMax would 100% take it. Listen to the Fox. No, meanwhile, you know how you pull up to a car dealership and like, CarMax, by the way, that's the CarFax. All right, I know over time.

Can we just address the complete inexplicability? Of show me the CarFax? Okay. What does that mean? We have a thing it's the company's called car facts right this is okay you do you talk about it yes you have that it's a fox yeah that's a fox facts but we'll spell it with an x right but that would confuse people because then fax is a real thing but these are like the details of the car all right what's your logo

it's a fox but the fox is not a fox. So it's not called Car Fox. Okay, so this is confusing already. And you're not spelling it F-A-C-T-S. Should the fox at least be hauntingly similar to Sonic the Hedgehog, but not of an animation quality that's charming like the general? You betcha. You betcha. This should be as convoluted as possible.

His catchphrase should be from like a takeoff of a phrase from a movie. Jerry Maguire. Instead of show me the money, show me the facts. Which is an actual thing, which is facts. From a facts machine. We need to appear as untrustworthy as possible because we are just laundering money. Yeah. But we need a front that looks like we want real money.

Right. Right. But then also, doesn't he? Yes. But he wears a t-shirt that's a ringer. It says Fox on it. It says Car Fox. Car Fox.

Why is that so? Show me the Car Fox. Can you imagine what their mission statement is? Guys, we bought ad time. We do not have an ad. Well, you know. The guy who crashed his car. My kid just got back from Outward Bound, said he wants to get into animation.

All right. He found some focus. I want to support him. I want to give him a chance. So you want me to show you the facts about the car? Just a fact. No, the facts. Show me the facts.

You know what's also a trustworthy animal? A fox. It's never been sly or sneaky. No. It's always the animal you're like, this is an honest creature. Every season on Alone, someone's in a battle with a fox.

Every season. There's a video of a fox that attacks some woman. Oh my God, I saw that. You saw the video? And then she was like, kept kicking it off, and the fox would not stop. And I'm like, this is your crazy fox. This is your animation. Crazy like a fox.

And this guy rolled into the dealership. What happened to this tire? Car fox guy. Yeah. All right. I got car foxes. What are you looking to get today? You looking to get into a Saturn?

He's like, I'm crazy. Crazy like a fax. Did they say that, Mattingly? Like, I don't know if he's drunk or he's talking about the company. Let's just give him 20 bucks to keep telling a story until the cop gets here. I like this guy. They say Mattingly smelled of alcohol and almost fell several times. How many people... I just picture

a card salesman with a tie and rolled up sleeves being like, buddy, buddy, buddy, buddy, buddy, buddy, buddy, buddy, over here. And he's getting more and more salesmen to come. Can I have coffee? Yes, you can have coffee. Now show us the trunk space. This baby's got tons.

Why is it leaning so far down to the left? It's just oil leaking out because he knocked the oil pan loose. That's what he's slipping in. Cops showed up. Can I tell you, when I worked at a gas station and this person rushed in, was like super, super in a hurry. Sure. He was like, I need a little more air in my front left tire. Yeah. Not please.

Just give me more air in the tire. Do it now. Stop. Not paying for it or anything. Sure. Just do it for me because it was a full service gas station. So I go to put the thing on the nozzle and the thing i'd never put air in a car before at all all right this guy's sitting in

the in the in the driver's he is not going to survive doomsday i watch his all of a sudden his like he starts coming so close to me because i'm letting all the air out of his tire not knowing that i need to like i'm like hold pushing it down and letting the air out we learned something this guy is now it sounds like air is coming out when you do that he was i got too much air in my tires i thought it was filling up all right he comes so he's like six inches from my face and he's like what are you doing and i was like oh i guess i'm letting the air out of your time and i had to call someone else and have them explain to me how to do it. How old were you, 16?

I was 18. And the guy was so mad. Just a dumb 18-year-old. Yeah, there's nothing wrong with that. That's what you get when you try to get air for free. Officers show up, gave him a portable breath test. Do you guys want to guess what his blood alcohol content was? Yes.

What do you think? So.08 is legally drunk. I'll tell you two more things while you guess. This is Indiana, though. Police say inside his SUV they found four Loco cans and a can of White Claw. Oh, God. He's safe from facing several charges. He's drinking the good stuff.

What? Generational. He's like crossing. Overlap. He's in Boone's Farms. Yeah. There are a couple of Bartles and James. I used to love Boone's Farms.

I got some Mad Dog 2020. I also have Mystique or whatever. Hypnotique, that blue. Yeah, yeah. Hipnotique. Hypnotique. Is that hypnotic that blue yeah yeah not eek so how is that what it's called i don't know but i rock sarah rock's not bad anyways okay what do you think crevasse you want to go first or last kyle oh put me last okay jay what do you think point uh i'm gonna say point one seven okay point two two point two two kyle i'm gonna split it my Point. I'm going to say.17. Okay. .22.

.22. Kyle? I'm going to split it. I'm going to go.2. Okay. He had a blood alcohol content of.291. Whoa! He's drunk. That's just short of pouring vodka into the rest of us.

He got in a car accident and then tried to sell the car. .29. And you guys are saying he was drunk. He is fucking drunk. That's like- Oh, you're way up there. Oh, he fell? That means he got to his feet. car accident and then tried to sell the car point two and you guys are saying he was drunk he is fucking drunk that's like oh you're way up fell that means he got to his feet that's more of a miracle that he actually got somewhere yeah how old is jordan j-o-r-d-o-n jordan jordan jordan maddingly are we getting out of here on this well i'll tell you this well no i don't want to tell you until afterwards i I have one little quick thing afterwards.

How old is Jordan Mattingly? Oh, the four locos want me to skew young. Right. I want it to be like an impressive age. Yeah. Like you want to go 63 again. I'm going to throw 58 out there. 58.

Jason? I'm going to say 51. 51. I'm going to go 69. 69. 69. 69. Jordan Mattingly is 30 years old. He is the son of the manager of the Miami Marlins and former professional baseball player Don Mattingly.

Oh, God, I knew it. I knew it. I called it. I made that joke earlier in the thing. The hit king, Don Mattingly. Damn. Damn. Oh, God.

This is why you don't want to be successful. This is why we've tried to not be successful. We've worked so hard to not be successful so that our kids won't be fucked up. So our kids won't do this type of shit. Outside the dashboard. Oh, thanks. Don Mattingly's kids. I mean, he's like at least.

Cut to Don Mattingly doing commercials for that car dealership. At least my dad's in the Hall of Fame. Oh, wait. He's not. All right. There you go. There you go. That is his show.

KyleKanane.com. Go see him. Go watch our UFC show. I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. On YouTube. We have amnesia. It's called The Nosebleeds. I have amnesia.

Transient global amnesia. All great stuff. Yeah, yeah. Go watch our show, The Nosebleeds, on UFC. Then get transient global amnesia. Watch it again. Leave a comment as many times as you want. And, oh, shit, we've got to get back to it.

Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Stick around. Make a sound. Come here down. It's Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Stick around. Make a sound.

Punk it down. It's Dumb People Town.