Dumb People Town - Laraine Newman - Dating Rap Sheets

Episode Date: June 15, 2021

This week Laraine Newman comes to town to hang with Daniel, Jason and Randy. The first story is about a man being arrested for dating multiple women. The second story is about a bird that fell in love with a man. The final story is about a felony for not returning a VHS.

Skypains Avenue Couldn't make this up So listen to our podcast jam With co-host Armand Dan Man, jerk, don't be a jerk Cause when the music gets to funny hits We are gonna take you down Stick around, make a sound On your downies, Dumb People Town Hey townies, welcome to another episode of

Dumb People Town Population to you Population Newman Lorraine Newman Welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population to you. Population Newman. Lorraine Newman, welcome to the show. Why you who the? Why would we? Our old friend Lorraine Newman. I love this show, by the way.

I saw you do it at Sketch Fest. I've seen you do it twice live. It's so fun. I love this show. Can you believe the stupidity that exists in the world? We need to attack it. Attack it with the weapons that we have, which is comedy. I read the Darwin Awards many years ago.

So yes, I believe it. You understand. So it's been a while since we worked together, but we worked together long ago on the Oblongs, which was so much fun. And just life comes full circle as we've become very good friends with your daughter, who is enjoying her own success right now alongside of yours,

which we're all very proud of. This is a good time to be in your family. Yeah, you guys have been so wonderful to her, so supportive. Love her. It's easy when she's great. It is easy when she's great. Because as you know, if you've read any of the interviews, she does talk about listening to your guys' comedy.

I know, and you told us that back in the day. I almost didn't believe it. I was so touched by it. Well, she said it was on in a CVS while she was getting it. No, but she still heard it. Wait a minute. You should really thank that CVS manager for playing stand-up.

Dan, don't cut us off at the angles, for Christ's sake. Go ahead. What were you going to say? Don't let the air out of their tires, for Christ's sake. Go ahead. What were you going to say? Don't let the air out of their tires for Christ's sake. We need to be inflated right here. Well, you are a wonderful person to riff with as we've known through the years.

And so we get awesome dumb stories sent to us by our fans. And then we try to break them down. As you've seen live and now you are a part of it. You're in the show. The great Lorraine Newman is here. Daniel, do we have a story? Let's do it. This was sent in by Carleen McDermid at SheBeCarleen.

One of the best handlers. I know. She is one of our dumb boots on the ground and we appreciate it so much. If you want to send me a story just like Carleen does, go to Twitter, put the link in your tweet, and then do hashtag dumb people town and at Daniel Van Kirk. And he'll know who sent it. Carleen's a great name. Isn't that a great name? Beautiful name.

Carleen is like, she's the woman. She's not Carla. No, you know who she is? She's more than a Carla. She's the woman who brought the extra case of beer on the float trip. Yes. Carleen. Just in case. Carleen brought the extra case. Just in case. And a joint for your uncle. And a joint for your uncle.

And a joint for your uncle. Shall we? Joint for your uncle is great. That's a new one. Only one. The guy only needs one. All right, ready? Japanese man arrested after dating multiple women

at the same time in a bid to get birthday presents A birthday jam I know that story You know this story I know Yes Here's the deal You just

You can't I don't trust dating apps these days I just don't under any circumstance If someone were to present themselves But maybe he did it old fashioned Produce section of a grocery store Just straight up At least then he would put in effort

That's right That takes a lot of effort But let's be honest Who of us have not thought of that? Oh For real section of a grocery store. Just straight up meeting people? At least then he would put in effort. That's right. That takes a lot of effort. But let's be honest. Who of us have not thought of that? Oh, for real. For what? Just a second.

Seeing how many birthday gifts you can get. Can you come to my birthday? No, just send a gift. No, no, no, no, no, no. Just send a gift. Why is it a P.O. box? I think it's also that mentality of I do not want to appear like I want something. Oh, yeah. I want to behave in such a way that it will elicit your wish to give me something.

Give me a gift. I wanted to ask you guys about birthday gifts. Do you like, holy shit, I would have never bought this for myself gifts? Or do you like, oh, great. This is what I want. Okay. Oh, that's another one. I gave you a list.

A list. That's another one. That's a second time. The list, like just take something off the list. Or do you like, oh, I can use this and i need it in my life gifts like damn that's such a good question i've been needing luggage versus i love a precious moments figurine versus i didn't know i wanted a pink bowling ball versus like randy's where these are the shoes i want do you do which one do you guys i'll tell you in a second i want want to ask if Lorraine collects any weird things.

Do you have anything collectible that you've got that you're like, I need one more? Maybe weird little bells. I used to collect miniatures. Really? Yeah. And I have a lot of good ones, which I should give to Sarah Schaefer for Caran at L'Oreal.

Sarah, for sure. Have you seen the clubs, the comedy clubs she made? Dude, so my wife did for House Beautiful. You got to check this out. House Beautiful magazine. She did Dollhouse Beautiful. She designed a dollhouse for House Beautiful.

Everything, all the tiny little things that's on there. There's like a 10 minute video. I think I saw that. It's just magnificent. And Sarah Schaefer texted me and was like,

oh my God, your wife. To which I then texted back and I was like, thank you so much. And Amy was like, she's then showed me a little thing she designed that, thank you so much. And Amy was like, she then showed me a little thing she designed

that wasn't the comedy club. And Amy was like, we should design a comedy club together to which Sarah Schaefer then sent me like three images of the tiny comedy club that she designed

with only, this is the best, with only headshots of female comics on the wall. No, there's a couple males. I think it's like Carrot Top and Jeff Dunham. Because she was showing

it to me when she was putting it together. But yeah, otherwise, it's all female comics. Do I tell you the sketch? Because we're talking to SNL royalty here. This is the sketch that if somebody magically said Sklar Brothers, you guys get to host SNL this week. This is the number one

sketch I would push and I would try and write over and over again. Lena Dunham and Peanut. So it's Lena Dunham as Jeff Dunham and Peanut. And she has a very like body positive conversation. But then kind of treats the thing like a boyfriend that's not treating her with the respect that she does. And they're both naked in like a second.

Like just a hot second. That would go on at 110. Thank you. That's a 110. That's a 110 job. That's a 110 sketch and it's really great. I love it. Lena Dunham and Peanut would be.

I'm ready. Unbelievable. So miniatures. That's your collection. Do you, have you made room boxes? Have you done any like of, go that deep into it? Before the miniatures, I collected rubber animal erasers. Because I am a nerd.

The kind that you put on the end of your eraser. But when I was a kid, a thousand years ago, they were really beautifully made. And I would build houses for them. I would, like, on the back of like cereal boxes they would have like a strip of miniature oh please don't text me now my sister please okay um like they would have all the other brands of cereals that they produced and they were like this big so i would cut them out and i would build shelves so that that would be the cereal on the shelves. It's amazing. I was into it. This is a great project. I was totally into it. Yeah. So if you were dating 30 guys at once,

if you so happened to. What type of gifts do you like? Something off the list? Something that's a surprise or something you need? Well, you know, I had these miniature coins. It was the miniature mint.

It was quarters, dimes, pennies, and nickels in a little thing like this and a friend of mine came over with her daughter and her daughter took it apart what without and i was like i didn't find out till after they'd left and i was so bad but i was sure like another one of those so let's now talk about spanking other people's kids are we allowed to do that or j or Jay, what kind do you like? What do you think, Jay? So I'm of the mindset because I don't want to-

We're talking about getting, not getting. I know. I don't want to tell you what to get me, but I will sort of announce some brands of things that I'm into lately casually to the people who might be giving me the present. Come Father's Day, around the corner, come birthday, I'll be like

hey, I'm really into these things now and then if something comes from that collection then I'm... So you like a gift gift. I like a gift. I like to be surprised and then I also like it to come from something that is somewhat vetted. I like... Oh, sorry. Go ahead. Go ahead, Lorraine. In my memoir

May You Live in Interesting Times, I tell a story about the time that my friend Layla, Tom and Lynn Scott, and Angelica Houston got me a puppy. What? That's a big commitment. That's a big gift. Which is so audacious. Yes. And so, like, rude. And I was so pissed.

I would be pissed. And I literally, like, out of my mouth, they were holding this thing in a wicker basket with a blanket i knew yeah and i was like oh no you didn't get me a dog and then this little nose is poking itself out of the blanket and if i had been lactating my shirt would have been it was the cutest goddamn dog and so that was ry Ry Cooter. I named him Ry Cooter. And he was my little man. And then you shipped him down to Cuba where you cut an amazing album

with some of these great Cuban artists. The waitress is a social pup. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was. He's very popular. Good save. Good save. So I like the things that I want.

If I'm like, because there are things- But not things you need, not filling needs in your life. You want a gift. You can't be filling needs. Like a gift gift. We'll buy the needs thing. I'll buy that for want. If I'm like, because there are things But not things you need, not filling like needs in your life. You can't be filling needs. Like a gift. We'll buy the needs thing. I'll buy that for myself.

I love a need gift where you're like, hey, I know that you needed a new table or I know that you This is good to know. So here's the best thing about trying to date

35 women at once is you can fill all of them. Nine of them. How did you know it was 35? 30 or 35. Didn't you say 35? No, I haven't said.

I have a guess here on how many women he was dating. Oh, I thought you said 35. So whatever. And so he was like... So, but here's what it is that like he's maybe 11 of them are need people

and then 12 of them are the other thing. And then, you know, that's it. Yeah, that's the thing too. But he curated them you get it all cover yeah, so but you have to then keep them separated to be like okay. You these are just like I need stuff like I need. I need stuff for my. I need a new ottoman, and maybe you get like he covers it all yeah that's in the profile like what kind of gift giver are you all right? Let's dig into it to kashi Miyagawa, a part-time worker, is being investigated for allegedly defrauding women by pretending he was serious about

each of their relationships and receiving large, a large worth of gifts from them. I was going to say how many women is he dating? Randy already guessed it on the nose. He was apparently caught when the women joined forces to create joined forces, part-an worker, full-time player. Dude, they joined forces. When you have people joining forces against you. And you're just a regular person, not a supervillain. You only want joining forces to be like a Captain Planet cartoon

or Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. To get rid of crime. Right, right. To clean up a highway. That's what you join forces to do. Yeah. He was caught when women joined forces to create a victims association. You're bad if it also if you've created if you've like spurned a if you have a victim's association against yes then you are a bad after discovering his extensive infidelity

and reported him to the police why should he okay so i don't look he defrauded them from for stuff but like on some level i don't want to blame the victims but on some level you have to know what you're kind of going in you know what i mean like you have to just walk into every situation being like this guy could be with 30 other people yeah i mean right now like do i buy him a gift like outside of you guys for like holidays and birthdays i don't buy anybody a gift right nobody and no one and i might pick up something if I'm on their way to their actual party or it's a big monument. Maybe I'll pick up a wine or something like that. But like, yeah, unless you're spending the birthday with the person.

Do you have an extensive list, Lorraine, of people that you get gifts for or no? I have a gift closet and I get things that I would want someone to give me. Smart. And I often, the best thing that I can hear when I give a gift is, I've always wanted this, but I never would have gotten it for myself. Which actually could be bullshit when I think about it.

That could be like, well, that's a gift, isn't it? That's like someone saying to a comedian coming off stage, hey man, you really did your thing up there. You were having fun. Exactly. Or the best is when you don't say comedian coming off stage. Hey man, you really did your thing up there. You were having fun. You look like you're exactly the best is when you don't say it. You don't say anything in the and somebody says

to you. They're a weird audience. Yeah, they're weird. You haven't said anything about how you feel about your set. Well, I like it. I thought I thought you were really funny. Don't put so much emphasis on the word. I liked it. I thought you were great among the claims is that he gave each woman a different date for his birthday.

So he could have spent his quote unquote birthday with all of them, making it seem like it was more his birth month, ensuring a constant stream of gifts throughout the year. Let me just point this out. Yeah. There are enough true crime shows on TV, and I'm sure they're on in Japan too, that show that break down the anatomy of a serial, you know, bigamist or

something like that, you know? So the excuse why I can't spend a normal amount of time with you is because my work takes me out of town so much. And no, you can't meet my friends because dot, dot, dot. That's just a red flag. I'm sorry. A million red flags. And so look, I will say this. If you're dating two or three people to try and figure out who's the right person for you and you lie,

okay, my birthday's here, you might have a little problem. When you're at 30-some-odd, 35, I think the apps... You got real problems. I think the apps have changed the game.

Like we, of course, we were all in relationships while the apps were kind of up and rolling. Jay and I have been married for 20 years. But the idea that like we were out with a friend who was like up on the Tinder. Just swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe. And we were at a bar where there were three women there

that he said he would meet at the bar and they were at different parts of the bar. It's like a sitcom. What's this, Three's Company? What a cab. And Randy and I were like running around like, should we occupy these people? Like, what are we doing? I would be like, have fun and I'm going to any other bar. Right. I think

we did leave. I think we literally walked out. We watched this guy try and and this is, so we tried to juggle three. This guy is trying to juggle 35 plus. Whatever. It's just amazing. Well, you guys need an app for being codependent. It's like, she's going to feel bad. I'll take care of it.

Right. So you know what that app is called? Wingman. Let's get it going right now. Let's get it going. One 47-year-old woman reportedly thought his birthday was on February 22nd. Another, aged 40, was told it was in July, while another 35-year-old believed his birthday was in April.

So he's not age-discriminate either. I like that about him. In total, he allegedly received around how much money worth of gifts from the women. You should know something's up when he said his birthday is February 30th. Am I right? You should know that something's up. Yeah, and not smart. All right, Lor? You guys are a liar. And not smart. Lorraine, you are our guest.

How much money do you think in worth of gifts? In US dollars or Japanese? I heard this story and I don't remember the sum, so I'm just going to throw it out there. $100,000. $100,000. I don't remember,

but I do know the story. Jay, what do you think? $15,000. Okay. That's a lot. I don't remember. It's a lot of money. What do you think? I'm going to say 35 women over the course of $15,000. $15,000. I think seven out by women. Price it out by women. So that would be. Oh,

35, 35 women, 15,000. It's almost about $600, three or four, 500 a person. Yeah. Oh,

I think it's way less. I think it's like $3,000. $3,000? Mm-hmm. In total, he allegedly received around, you were so correct

and close at the same time, Lorraine, 100,000 yen, which was $945. Well, you had it right in yen. You were right in the amount. In yen. This is what you, $900 is about $30 a game

Dan I don't know If you spend much time With Lorraine I'm sorry But she's always speaking In terms of yen Oh okay I am

It's just a given You have to know that about me I remember one day She said I feel like I have 100,000 yen right now Which is basically 900 bucks That made me feel like A thousand yen

Yeah But who would want to belong to a victim's group? Nobody would want to belong to that. You don't want to, unless it gives you power. Yeah, that 945 US dollars included a $283 suit. So he got a lot out of one person. That's almost a third of the money from one of them. But by the way, that's not a lot of money for a suit.

No, it's an okay. It's like a low- the money from one of them. But by the way, that's not a lot of money for a suit. No, it's an okay. It's like a low-end Joseph A. Bang. Also, though, who is like, I mean, that is bold. You're going to like the way you proud, we guarantee. Dan, we've gotten you a shirt before, and it was like, I don't know if this is his style or whatnot. You're going to buy this guy a suit. That's a risk.

I'm guessing he picked out the suit. You think he was like, I'll take this one? I don't know. Miyagawa from the Kansai region. I'm guessing he picked out the suit. You think he was like, I'll take this one. I don't know. Miyagawa from the Kansai region, I tried, allegedly began his dating spree while working for a marketing company selling shower products. So he is. He's marketing himself.

That's going to drive you crazy right there. That's the only clean thing about him. I was going to say he's cleaning up. He's accused of targeting at least 35 single women through his work, allegedly pretending to each that the relationship was serious and saying he wanted to spend his life with them. So he's a real piece of shit. He started with shower products

and ended with get me a birthday suit. I mean, he's so wait. He used the marketing thing to get to know these women. Don't you wear your birthday suit in the shower? You wear your birthday suit in the shower. There is your birthday suit. Wait, so, but they called the cops on him? Yes.

A report by MBS News included photographs apparently showing him with women in different locations, such as a park and a restaurant. Oh, God, not the park and the restaurant. The park and the restaurant. The park and the restaurant sounds like a Michelin-rated restaurant in New York. That's right. Where do you want to go? The park and the restaurant? Oh, let's go to Tavern on the Green. Same thing. No, no, no. The park and the restaurant sounds like a Michelin rated restaurant in New York. That's right. You want to go to the park and the restaurant?

Oh, let's go to the green same thing. No, the park and the restaurant, the park and the restaurant police are reportedly investigating to find out whether any other women were taken, but in by the alleged serial dating scheme. The story elicited mixed responses online with one reader commenting.

He's an awful person, but I envy his time management skills. This guy knows how to I mean thirty five people. Can I tell you this guy suddenly if you're the marketing firm, you're like bump this guy up. This guy knows how to manage people. We'll get out of here on this. I will ask you guys how old is Takashi Miyagawa? How old do you think he is now to give you any sort of clues you want, three of the women he dated were 47, 40, and 35.

If you want to let... Maybe he's way older than them. I don't know. Maybe he's younger. Dating older. That's right. That might be another way in. He's exciting to them. Taking advantage of women who are maybe divorced

and new to the dating scene again. So maybe he's not using their money. He's using the money that they're getting through settlements. All right, so Lorraine, you have a child that is 25. And so how old do you think, do you think it's kind of, that he's in her range or a little older?

So because I have a 25-year-old, I would know intrinsically what age a con artist would be. Thank you. How do you spell it out? Is that the criteria? Well, you understand the mind of a 25-year-old. Does it seem like a 25-year-old person?

I can tell you what a 16-year-old, I'm like, they don't have the skills to pull something like this off. Time management. What do you think? I would have to say, I'm guessing 30, maybe a little bit over 30. That's my guess. You want to stick with 30 or land a little bit higher? We'll put you down. I think that he's a bit of a boy toy.

He has to be to have been that alluring to 35 women. Yeah, and some of them up near 50. So 30. You say 30. I'm guessing. I'm going to say 35. Okay. One woman for every birthday.

Right. Woman for each birthday. I mean, look, how do we even know if he's telling us the truth about his age? We can only go off what we have. I can't trust this guy. I'm going to say he's 27. 27. Because 27 to me is like-

Saturn's returning. Right. You've had a few years out in the world. You've been at the marketing firm enough. You've learned some tricks. All right. We will close out with story number one. He works at a meat marketing firm. Am world. You've been at the marketing firm enough. You've learned some tricks. All right, we will close out with story number one. He works at a meat marketing firm. Am I right?

He is the meat marketing firm. Am I right? Am I right? No. Sorry. Word. Takashi Miyagawa is 39 years old. Oh.

Jason. Not bad. So he's old. He had some women that were younger. He had some women that were older. He had some women that were older. I like that he kept it in an age-appropriate range there for him. He's a good guy is what you're trying to say, right? He's a really good guy.

Here's my question. Here's my question for you. So from here on out, I think there should be a stamp across his profile at whatever dating site saying he defrauded 35 women on a site like that, right? Do not give this man birthday gifts. Do not give this man birthday gifts. Do not give this man birthday gifts. So I think dating sites should come with, and this is my new pitch, I think dating sites should come with,

with each thing, little red flags, like little red flag icons. And you're like, how many red flags does he have? This guy, all right. So I met this guy on something, whatever the site is, Tinder. And he's a great guy. all right, so I met this guy on something, whatever the site is. Tinder. Tinder, and he's a great guy.

He's got only two red flags, so I'm feeling pretty good about it. I've never heard of that. Like, why they don't incorporate Yelp into dating sites? Like,

if you've gone on multiple dates. Or just a rap sheet. Yeah, a rap sheet. That's fine, too. Rap sheet. All right,

that's story number one, my friend. Story one down in the books. Lorraine Newman is with us. I can't wait to talk to her on the other side of this break and see what she's got going on. This is Dumb People Town.

Don't go anywhere. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. All right. Hey, guys. Welcome back to the show. We got Lorraine Newman with us.

She is so wonderful and has done so many wonderful things in this crazy, topsy-turvy business and she wrote a beautiful memoir and we want you guys to check it out. Tell us about it. Tell us some stuff about it. Did you enjoy writing it? Was it difficult? Was it intense? Or can you believe that you did it? It was so hard.

Was it so hard? I'm sure. It was so hard because over a period of 20 years I wrote this thing. Wow. What's the policy on language? You can say whatever you want. Okay. Say whatever you want.

Over 20 years, I wrote this fucking thing. And when I did the first draft, it was just like, you know, everything. And then I thought, well, you know, everybody has to do a second draft, which I thought would be punctuation and spelling. And then, you know, I began to say, this story is like, so I met them and they were really nice. And then this happened and was like, are you kidding? You know? So I, you know, I attempted to rewrite nine times and each draft had good stuff in it, but because I was so disorganized, I couldn't find it.

So I would get disgusted and put it away. So it's not like I took 20 consecutive years to do it. But then I got this offer from Audible, and so I dragged all these pages out. And I wrote a ton of other stuff to avoid writing the book. And so that stuff served me well because I was able to use that as well. writing the book. And so that stuff served me well because I was able to use that as well. But what I noticed about my life and what I thought was a good angle on it, because I knew people wanted to, obviously would read it because of SNL. And I wanted to be able to provide them, you know, as much of it as I could, but I couldn't remember a lot of stuff.

That's crazy. And someone pointed out to me some you know subsequent cast members when you're doing the show you're not seeing the show right so how can you possibly have memories about what was going on during the show it's a blur it's a blur you know so but i what i decided to do was to just like talk about my favorite sketches. And in doing that, it brought back memories that I could attach to these sketches and what brought them to life. So I just, you know, celebrated my favorite ensemble sketches.

But what I also noticed in going back was how I seem to have been like in the front row of or taken part in instigating or creating some of the more significant, you know, pop culture events of the last 50 years. So that was my through line. Well, I think it's having been in the business ourselves and been a part of things

before it's, we all understand how difficult it is to be a part of anything that gets made that ever sees the light of day. I mean, it is so hard to get a show made. It is so hard. People don't understand this. So hard to get even great ideas sometimes for whatever reason. Don't see the light of day and don't get made.

To then have something that is successful on any level is amazing. But to then have something that is a cultural touchstone, a moment, a shift in the way things are done, to be a part of that is just, it's beyond. It's like unheard of, and it's like a one in a trillion chance. Well, also growing up in Los Angeles, you know, we had movie star neighbors, we have the children of movie stars, and some of these people went on to become very successful. So, you know, fortunately, all the reviews have said she name drops a lot, but it's because these are her friends. And it's like, you know, my boyfriend would take me to

this diner for breakfast every morning. And it was early 70s and it was called dukes at the tropicana motel and so you know there's a young don simpson and there's iggy pop and tom waits and martin scorsese and all these people right before they hit they hit yeah you know and then i go to cal arts and i meet paul rubens but then i leave to the go to this group. And then from that, we form the Groundlings. And then, you know, so I leave that to go and do SNL. But, you know, all through that time, subsequent Groundlings became, it became like the farm team.

Groundlings became the farm team for SNL. Totally, Groundlings and Second City, but like they're different vibes. Like Groundlings is an LA vibe. Like, and what you different vibes. Groundlings is an L.A. vibe. And what you brought to SNL was such an L.A. L.A. characters. L.A. vibe. You can always tell a Groundling on SNL

because their sketches are character-driven. Kristen Wiig, Maya Rudolph, Will Lovitz, Phil Hartman, Will Ferrell, all these people, really character-driven work. And, you know, the people from Second City are a little more intellectual, and their stuff is very strongly premise-based. That's right. Their personalities. Second City has a personality. Groundlings has a personality. And I think it's just a great blend.

I agree. And it's, you know, it is so fascinating. I mean, that show is still iconic all through the years for us. Like, the years that we grew up watching it was the early. Me too. I agree. And it's, you know, it is so fascinating. I mean, that show is still iconic all through the years for us. Like the years that we grew up watching it was the early. I love it. In the Patreon stuff, we should talk about like Groundlings and all of that. Yeah, we'll get in on your ground. So our Groundling fans will talk about that. So the name of the memoir so

people can go out and get it because I'm going to read this as soon as we get off this thing. May you live in interesting times. May you live in interesting times. May you live in interesting times. You can get it anywhere, but you can hear it on Audible. Is that correct?

Yes, you can only hear it. It's not in print. Oh, good. Oh, awesome. So go. Sweet. So if you hike, if you bike, if you drive long distances. I cannot wait.

This is going to be my hiking soundtrack because we did an Audible project called Sklars and Stripes where we went to 10 different cities and tried to create comedy about that city. Plainlands Thursday, Saturday. I want to get that. Get that.

It's on Audible. But I have an Audible subscription, so I can't wait. That is going to be my hiking soundtrack. They live in interesting times. They live in interesting times. And we do live in interesting times. Dumb times.

We have another story. Oh, my God. You guys ready for a second? Let's do it. Let's do it. Second by Catherine Tuck. Let's have it. At Catherine Lorna. Catherine sends in so many great stories. We have another story. You guys ready for a second? Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's have it. At Catherine Lorna. Catherine sends in so many great stories. She's so good. Here's a headline

for you guys. The bird that fell in love with a Hampton, New Brunswick man. Oh, God. I'm assuming that's what NB is, right? Hampton NB is probably New Brunswick. Yeah, New Brunswick. The bird that fell in love with a man? Yes. Love comes around when you least expect it. At least that's what happened to George

Pattison. So I'm going to say, before hearing anything else of this, the bird wouldn't leave the guy alone. Would not leave him alone. Okay, that's it. I mean, I've heard nothing, but I just hear that. He was in love with him. By the way, you feed a bird at all? He didn't do that. But you're right. You're right.

Then they will love you forever. You want to pretend you have a friend? Feed a bird. He wants some. that's so sad that's so true Dan you wanna pretend you have a friend feed a bird Dan please say that

on stage so he submitted the story about himself Dan you can put that in any comedy bit if you're like if you wanna say

like a truism, like if you want to say this was as true as this, if you want to, I want to pretend you have a friend, feed a bird. That's a great joke. Love comes around when you least expect it. That's at least what happened to George Patterson.

The Hampton man hosted an unexpected visitor at his wash. A Domek. I tried late cottage late last week, about 40 kilometers north of southern New Brunswick, the town of Hampton. What are you doing outside, honey? Get back in here. Right.

Oh, there's so much of that. Even the guy with the octopus. Yes. I guess I'm in a goddamn documentary now. And literally his teacher's wife does not make a lot of appearances. She does not. This is his first quote, and it's exactly

who we just talked about. I was minding my own business, and the goose just came up on the property. The what? The property. The goose just came up on the property. It's a goose? Oh my God, they are so aggressive. They are so aggressive. You got goose.

They are very aggressive. And also, anybody who calls it the property is like cares way too much about their lawn. It's your backyard. So I'm minding my own business. On the property, the goose comes up on the estate and not an estate. Right. That's right. For about an hour, George Patterison was raking rocks on the

property getting ready to lay down seed grass at the cottage raking rocks it could be a metaphor for what the other guy the japanese guy was doing when he was laying the ground get that seed going i'm just out there raking rocks, guys. Oh my God, there's so many metaphors. Honey, can you go with me to Home Depot today? Well, you know I gotta rake rocks. I'm the only person who cares about the property. How many times do you think George has been said, George, how many times do I need to say your name?

It's like, George, George. I'm raking rocks. So I went to her experimental play in North Hollywood and basically, essentially, I was just raking rocks, just raking rocks afterwards. I had to tell her how good it was, but whenever George turned around to look at the lake, he noticed a Canada goose, not Canadian, a Canada goose making its way up the property. God, I hope you're not drinking every time we say property.

Yeah, generally these geese are minding their own business and it's the humans that kind of walk into their space and then they move away. He said once the animal was about nine meters away, George stopped working, trying to decipher what happened next. I didn't know what to expect. He said I'd never been attacked by a

goose before, so he starts talking to it. Yes, what are you doing? Get out of here. What I don't want nobody's by handsome. Yeah. What you doing? He starts flirting turn around. Yeah, I'm hey bud. Turn around and get a gander top George easy.

Yeah, George even put a large rake between himself and the animal, but nothing could separate him. I don't know like he laid it down. Cross this line. I dare you to cross that. It was getting closer and closer and closer. That's when he slowly took out his Cross this line. I dare you to cross that. It was getting closer and closer and closer. That's when he slowly took out his cell phone flip. I imagine to call his wife, Lisa.

He told her, come look out the window. I'm sure she's busy doing something. And he's like, get out the window. Look out the window. You don't need to open it. Just look out it. By the way, he is describing like he's treating this like he's seen a piece of the Chinese rocket that fell down.

Right. This is just a goose walking towards a person. He says this is his next book. That's what kind of started the relationship. He's in with this. He's in. Oh my God. Eventually, Lisa came outside to see how

the animal would interact with her. But the goose, also known as Goosey Lucy, only had eyes for George. The wife, Lisa, says it would turn its head sideways to look at him like that puppy look with love. The goose followed George around the property and honked whenever he went inside. It wants to be his friend. It literally does. This is our you, my does. So there was no food. No. At one point. Look,

you stick two fingers up a goose's anus and all of a sudden they're your best friend for life. Suddenly he's going to honk every time you go inside. At one point, George was putting together a deck box, which I'm sure he talked about all weekend. And the goose stood on top of the pieces while he was assembling it

just like a child. Oh, my God. We couldn't believe that it was this close to him and wasn't frightened at all, Lisa said. The couple also encouraged. Who's the couple? This is Lisa and George. I thought it was George and the goose. The couple also encouraged the goose to visit the water and return to nature.

They even discovered another goose for the bird to interact with, but nothing worked. I'm going to show you guys a couple of pictures. I'm building a deck box with the goose. All right, so here's a picture of George and the goose. I'm out with the goose again. By the way, George and the goose does kind of look like a save the date. George and the goose, by the way,

could be a 1980s cop show. Right. Doesn't this look like a snowman? That's so great. George and the goose. This is like those Liberty Mutual commercials. His name is George what? George Pattinson. Okay, I think the Goose thinks that he's Robert Pattinson.

Yes. And he is Team Edward all the way. So I love that the Goose knows. I think that might be what the thing is. Goose has to be invited in. It's also the perfect dimensions to be a movie poster. Yeah. Doesn't it?

Yeah. You know, from the back, this guy looks rather good looking. And the name of the movie is Any Which Way But Goose. Listen. Here's another photo. He's just trying to eat breakfast outside and the goose is like, come on. Now the goose is like a clingy, like weird

guy at a party. What are we doing? I don't know what we're doing. Hey, I'm just having a conversation over here. You should see what else is going on at this party. Well, they said nothing worked. When George returned to the cottage, so did the goose. It didn't leave his side, Lisa said. Oh my God. It waddled where he went.

The couple, who typically have a lot of geese on their property, believe the goose might have lost its mate and was looking for company. I kind of felt bad. I have another life and a wife, said George. I love that he's like arguing this out. It's like the end of Harry and the Henderson. You got to go just get out here. He's been get out. He literally says I kind of felt bad. I have another wife and kid. He's been married for thirty years with seven kids.

They have sim and Lisa have seven kids. Jesus Christ, God quote. He looked young, so he's not good at decision making. Then he said I'm moving on and this relationship is only going to last a day or so. Like is he saying that to live to Lisa? I don't know. This is a one day thing at most with this bird. Yeah, that's

it. Pam Novak, director of wildlife at the Atlantic Wildlife Institute, said the bird's behavior wasn't normal. Pam's been waiting for Pam Novak. Pam Novak had one quote. Pam Novak from the bird's behavior wasn't normal. Pam's been waiting for this call. Pam Novak had one quote. Pam Novak from the Bird Pro said, don't touch it! That's just so judgmental. She said geese

can be quite aggressive, particularly during mating season when protecting their nest. They would let you know you aren't welcome, she said. Whenever George went inside the cottage, the goose would honk for him to come back out. Although unlikely, Novak said it's possible the bird was raised by people and looking for a new human.

While geese can mate for life, it's also possible the bird was looking for another mate. It's still highly unusual, she said, and if the bird was sick, it wouldn't be following a human around, so we can rule that out. By nature, birds are going to do what they can to protect themselves. At least I'm going to have sex with it once,

and then I'll tell it to go away. I feel like we have to finish it off. I've got to walk on the wild side. Come on. I've got to waddle on the wild side. That's the name of the movie. No, but I love the idea that he's saying to the goose, look, I'm married and I have children.

I have seven kids. I've got another family. I never lied to you about this. I always told you I had a whole family. I told you what you could expect. You came onto the property. I did not flag you down. I have been wearing this ring in front of you this entire time.

I am not a 39-year-old Japanese Lothario, okay? I just told you the truth from the beginning. If you want to help rake rocks, I need the help. My kids will not help with the property. Got seven of them. I thought I'd have a bunch of assistants. No one wants the help. My kids will not help with the property. Got seven of them. I thought I'd have a bunch of assistants. No one wants to help. I'm just going to say this, because he's got seven kids.

He's been married for 30 years. There is going to come a point in time, if this continues, where he's like, the goose gets me more than Lisa. Or cut to a year later, he's left Lisa and the kids, and the goose is like, I did not realize he was so boring. He's out there raking the god down rocks again jesus even for a goose that's what he's doing i don't i just need some time let me fly south for just a while give me some space i gave up everything for you family and

when it was time to return home because remember this is their cottage the cottage property the couple tried to sneak away so the bird wouldn't notice. So now they've changed their own life to accommodate this bird. What's that over there? It actually followed the car. George said he only touched the bird once because he wasn't

sure how it would react. Inappropriately. So he never ever touched it but once. While Lisa was hoping the goose would return to the water, George was slightly hopeful that it would fly back home

with them to Hampton. So now he's in on the relationship with the goose. What are you thinking about, George? He's flattered. Come on. He's looking off into the sky.

Into the window. It's raining out a window and he's looking out the window. George, come back. Where are you? I think every kid has some time in their life where they think it would be super cool if a wild

bird was like their friend. Yeah, like a wild turkey. Or any animal. Yes, for sure. Absolutely. It's special. That's why E.T. tapped into all of that for everybody. Yes. Yeah, you found a friend. And you didn't have to feed a bird. And he looked like our stuffed animal. Yeah. We could hide him in our

closet. Or a scrotum and a stuffed animal. He did look like such a scrotum. I was like, why does he need to be so wrinkly? George returned to the cottage to check on his old flame the next day. So they went home, and the next day he drove back up there. Honey, where are you going? I'll be back in a couple hours. Just going out.

Just going out. It's a little late, don't you think? Just going out. I got rocks to r, don't you think? Just going out. I got rocks to rake. I think I forgot something back there. He returned the next day to check on his old flame, but the goose was gone. Oh, God.

George said, and we'll close here, it had moved on to find someone else. Yeah. But hey, like with all things, you let that bird go and it comes back. You do. It's yours for life. But it left a note.

It did leave a note. It said, I raked some of the rocks for you, bud. Yeah. Oh, my God. Geez. I think I got the message. Just a fun little thing in dumb people's hands. It's a great story.

It's a story of interspecies love. I think we can have it. I love it. Dan, you want to give us a little taste of what we're going to see in the third story? Oh, a woman is charged with a felony for a crazy reason. Oh, love that. All right, when we come back, Patreon fans, we're going to have a quick little convo with Lorraine about early days of the

Groundlings and some other exciting stuff. If you want to be able to hear these cool conversations, join our Patreon. It's really fun. And we'll be right back after this all right, daniel take us on buddy. There we go ready, sent in by Derek Shipley at Derek Shipley, D E R I C K S H I P L E Y. I love it all right. My friends woman learns she was charged with a felony for failing to return VHS.

I know this story, too. I know this story, too. I don't know this story, but Dan, I will say that in college, we would get a little baked, and we would up in the room in the house that we lived in. When I was a sophomore, there was a kid who was a freshman who was really funny and Randy and I, and we would make unbelievable prank phone calls to the, to kids in the dorms. We would just, cause we knew the dorm prefix at Michigan and we would call a pre. So we called one thing. We did this for like, this one lasted for 35 minutes. We called a guy up and this other guy started

and he said, hey, or no, I was the first one to start. I said, listen, man, we have on record that according to this phone number a year ago, meanwhile, I knew he would already argue because it's the dorms, but I just pretended, you know, a year ago you rented Woody Allen's bananas. It's not back. We need that thing.

Or you owe us $62.75. Not a lot of money, but in 1990, in 1991, and the guy's like, well, I'm not going to pay it. And I'm like, well, according to, we have this phone number, and so this is the phone call that comes before the police come, and they will show up to your place, and

you will have to pay the money, and this is $62. And he's like, you can't do that to me. I'm in the dorms. I'm a student. You're such an idiot. And I'm like, well, you can call me whatever name you want. he's like let me talk to a manager and i'm like you want to talk to a manager fine hang on a second i'll get my manager i get the other guy he comes in and he's like look just pay pay the money and be done with it right and be done with it and and he just kept saying that over and over. Just pay it and be done with it. This is not a big deal.

Again, the less we made a big deal out of it, the more... I don't know why you... Look, do you want to go through the whole hassle of all this thing? Can I tell you that I was cleaning out a shelf this past weekend near like in our living room and I found an envelope with a Netflix movie in it?

Wow. They charged you for that. Am I? No, it's done. They charged that car. You should put it in a shadow box. Yeah, I finished it, but it literally has the red envelope. Remember when Netflix was just that?

What was the movie? Do you remember? I forgot. I just saw it. I didn't even look at the movie. Yeah. I found a DVD of Freebie and the Bean. I don't know it.

Never heard of it. Anyway, sorry to answer. No, sorry. No need. Come on. It's dumb people town. The woman, a former Oklahoma resident, is a hard way to describe yourself.

So you live in Oklahoma? No. No. Former. Used to. Maybe because she's being charged in Oklahoma for failing to return a VHS tape of Sabrina the Teenage Witch. Oh, man. Karen McBr failing to return a VHS tape of Sabrina the Teenage Witch.

Oh, man. Karen McBride allegedly rented the VHS tape from a store in the town of Norman in Cleveland County and never returned it. That's right. Norman is where the University of Oklahoma is. Oh, the rental store is, not surprisingly, no longer in business. Right. Exactly. Who would care? Yeah.

Reported the local affiliate Fox. I'm sorry. think who would care. Reported the local affiliate Fox, or I'm sorry, but officials in Cleveland County are technically able to prosecute Ms. McBride for the tape. Felony, Dan, you said. It fucked

her up so badly. It affected her ability to get a job. It was terrible. I just imagine Randall Tech's cub smoking a tiny cigarillo and just being like, I'll get them all back. I's got a record now. I just imagine Randall Tex Cobb smoking a tiny cigarillo and just being like, I'll get them all back.

Yes. I'll get them all back. So the rental store is not even in business. Yeah. There's a felony out for her. It doesn't even exist. Dude, she's wanted. Ms. McBride found out that officials in Oklahoma

filed the charges and a warrant following the VHS tape becoming overdue. A warrant? Yeah. Ms. McBride told Fox 25 that she was unaware of the VHS tape becoming overdue. A warrant? Yeah. Ms. McBride told Fox 25 that she was unaware of the VHS tape and the charges until trying to change the name of her driver's license

after getting married in Texas. Okay. So she gets married. New life. Happy wife. Honey, is there anything you want to tell me about you? You can run, but you can't hide. Let's talk about your former life in Oklahoma.

No, no. We don't need to go there. A lot of bad VHS choices. Which is more offensive, that she didn't return the tape or that the movie she rented was Sabrina the Teenage Witch? Sabrina the Teenage Witch is legit. That's a good question. Not worth renting. I sent them an email, and they sent me an email, and they told me that I had an issue in Oklahoma.

and they sent me an email, and they told me that I had an issue in Oklahoma, and this was the reference number for me to call and use this number, and I did, says Ms. McBride. Call her Karen. Asked to phone the Cleveland County District Office, she was told that charges had been filed against her by an official. Who is this? Who is the official?

Oh, my God. This is the most petty human being on the planet. Oh, God, yes. Who's the official, Michael Jordan? I took that personal. She told me official? Michael Jordan? She told, I took that personal. She told me it was over the VHS tape and I had to make her repeat it because I thought this is insane, right?

This girl is kidding me, right? She's right. She wasn't kidding. She wasn't joking. Then, then Karen goes on to say, look,

I had lived with a young man. He had two kids, daughters that were eight, 10 or 11. I don't know. I don't care. We used to do cocaine out of the school. Hey,

a lot of people say you can't cut a line with a VHS tape. I beg to differ. I prove those assholes wrong. Our basement was a sex dungeon. What were you saying? So anyways, he has these two kids. They were somewhere between eight and eleven, and I'm thinking he went and got it and didn't

take it back or some under the bus. Then she goes. She really wants to distance herself from Sabrina, the teenage, which I've never watched that show in my entire life. It's not my cup of tea. Meanwhile, I'm a wanted felon for a VHS tape. Just pay the money. So sad. I know it's so

unfair. So this happened obviously this year in twenty twenty one. I'm going to ask you guys how what year do you think she Karen rented or her boyfriend at the time rented Sabrina the teenage witch how far back are they going to get a felony warrant

for he said he was going to leave his wife for me and I said okay, but he promised a lot of things. We don't need to even kind enough to rewind enough. I would say because my kids watch that. I would say like mid 90s. Pick a year.

Alright. 96. Okay. Jay what do you think? 99. Okay. 93. Okay. Alright. I will tell you that the Cleveland County District Attorney's Office is reportedly not pursuing charges in the case. Thank God somebody over there was like what are we doing? We're not going after VHS

tape Sharon Sharon got enough things to sort out that we've done in the past here in Oklahoma. Well, all right, Karen or her ex or one of those goddamn kids whose age she can't even remember. I will tell you this. One of you is exactly oh, so now we get to play and we get to play. Who do

you think is exactly right? Do you think it's yourself or do you want to say somebody else's answer? You said ninety six. I said ninety six. Jason ninety nine. I think it's me. do you want to say somebody else's answer? You said 96. I said 96. Jason said 99. I think it's me. I think I'm right.

I think I'm right. I think you're right. You think Jason's right. Okay. 99. All right. I think I'm right. No, I think Lorraine's right.

96. Karen or the ex or the kids rented Sabrina, the teenage witch. We will get out of here on this in 1999. Yeah, you got it. Well, that's the name of the audible memoir of this

super talented, wonderful human being on the other end of this zoom is may you live in interesting times. Listen to it now. Go on a road trip so you can listen to it. Here's what I want you to do because we're out still walking. We're out still exercising. Listen to it.

That's what I'm doing. I'm downloading it right now. Rate it. Review it. Let people know it's awesome. Tell people about it. Use the things you learn as fun cocktail tidbits at a party that you'll get to go to when everybody's back.

Look at how much great information we got just from this interview and just from hanging with our good friend Lorraine Newman. Thank you for doing this with us. Thank you guys. You know how much I love you and thank you for having me. And I love this show. I'm so happy to be here. And guess what? Oh shit, we gotta get back to work. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb