Dumb People Town - Lauren Lapkus - Mouth Of The Rat

Episode Date: August 29, 2023

Actress and podcaster Lauren Lapkus (Threedom and Newcomers) stops by as Jason describes a man barging into a home, insisting that he is a ghost, Daniel ponders why an Aussie man would use his severed finger as fishing bait, and Randy warns against being attacked by an alligator right outside your front door, and so much more! Thanks to our sponsor:That’s PrizePicks.com/DPT and use code DPT for a first deposit match up to $100!PrizePicks: Daily Fantasy Sports Made Easy!  

Thank you. So listen to our podcast, Dan, with co-host Armand Dan. And don't be a jerk, because when the music gets the funny hits, we are going to take you down. Stick around, make a sound, hunger down, it's Dump People Town. We want to thank our sponsor, PrizePix. Guys, PrizePix is the most fun we've had winning up to 25 times our money this football season. All you have to do is select two or more players, pick

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PrizePix, daily fantasy sports made easy Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town Population U Population Lapkus Lauren Lapkus, welcome to the show How are you? Hi old friend

Good, I'm so excited to be here Oh my god It's always fun It's always fun. Oh, I know. It's always a good old time. Podcast superstar comes to join us and help us sort out the dumb that has become our world. It's just so goddamn dumb.

That's a good summation. Wow. We love hanging with you. I remember going to Tig Notaro's birthday party and then just like making a beeline and we just sat and hung out. We had a great chat. I loved it. We really did. We got into it it

was like every time we see you and like we were writing on this kevin hart uh keenan thompson end of the year thing for peacock and we like in the room wrote this thing for her to do we're like she's gonna come in and we're gonna write this the way that it is but like she's gonna come in and just crush it one take and like i was blowing it almost i had to like walk out jay had to walk out of the studio one take just really just she's gonna be playing a drunk girl giving a toast at a wedding i'm like this is success all the way through and she laid down face down on the studio floor at the end and when they all cut everyone clapped i'm like this is the first time all day that we've done that that's so nice that's so fun had you worked with kevin before no that was my first time meeting him so like i feel like he

didn't know who you were because he knows who very few people are uh and i was like you could tell because he's like running through so much stuff and he's worrying about his restaurant and this and that and the other thing and i remember 50 other commercials he's shooting but there was like a moment where like you could see he's like, Oh shit, this girl is really funny. That moment was like fun for us to watch. So,

all right, we're going to apply all of that to the dumb stories that we have. We've got one right here and then we'll talk about all the podcasts and stuff you're doing. Jay, let's hop. All right. I got a story sent in by Eric James Hintner.

Thanks. Hintner Hintner Hintner. I'm a hit. I'm a hit. I'm a hit. Hintner honors program. EJ. Uh, here'sintner. Hintner? I'm a Hintner. I'm a member of the Hintner Honors Program. EJ, here's the help. If you could go back in time, would you kill Hintner?

I'd kill his friend Himpner. Himpner. He's Himpner. All right. Man barges into Fort Myers' home while family eats dinner, claims he is a ghost. Perfect. Oh, my. Nothing could be scarier, actually.

First of all, barges? Because you wouldn't believe. I'm like, first of all, I don't know if he is or not. Right. I've never met a ghost. Right. You have to question, like, he might be. Yeah.

If you're a ghost, though, would you need to barge in, or couldn't you do that? Could you barge in through a window? But we don't know these things. But also, I know this is Florida, but barging makes it feel so Midwestern. Yeah, it does. You barge in here.

Yeah, yeah. Talk about you're a ghost. Yes, it's like an angry boyfriend of your aunt. Is this like when people say they're crazy, like if they say they're crazy and they're not crazy, they're not crazy? Yeah, right. So if they say I'm a ghost, then I'm not a ghost?

Yeah, yeah. Well, wait. Can ghosts acknowledge that they're ghosts right. So if they say I'm a ghost, then I'm not a ghost. Yeah, yeah. Well, wait. Can ghosts acknowledge that they're ghosts? I don't know. I'm a ghost. I'm a ghost. So did they kick him out? Well, let's get into it.

Fort Myers, Florida. A Fort Myers family had some unexpected company for dinner on Thursday night. By the way, Fort Myers is where we flew in, like, when my wife's stepfather was alive and lived on Sanibel. Like, Fort Myers is a regular place regular this isn't like i've never the swamp yeah i've never said this to you you know florida florida well and i don't at all like i don't know there's no difference i've got orlando i've been to orlando orlando and miami i i can i can see a difference i've been to disneyland okay but like

boca and tampa is that a different type of person? So here's how well I know Florida. So my wife's stepfather, he and her mother lived for years on Sanibel Island, which is beautiful. Where is that? I don't even know what side. On the West Coast. You fly into Fort Myers. So you're on the Gulf.

You're in the Gulf, right. So you fly into Fort Myers and then you drive over a causeway. This is like the hurricane, like knocked the causeway out of you. But you drive over the causeway, and you're on this little island. It's so tropical and actually really cool and really beautiful, and we loved it. But then we drive across the state through Alligator Alley, which is so weird. Don't even know what that means. Just small, weird towns that you're like, let's not get in.

In the middle? In the middle. So you know where they sell fireworks? Like up in Wisconsin? Well, I was going to say Indiana. I was like, across the border from Illinois to Indiana. This is where they make them. Crazy Joe's time.

That's where they make the fireworks. They ship to the Midwest. Baby no hands fireworks. Do you know the fireworks stand on the edge of the highway in Indiana where you got to buy them? Imagine a whole town built off that that's my kind of place i like those people so it is like fascinating and you so we drive through and we drove to the other side which we'd go to palm beach and west palm beach palm beach is like this is atlantic has a place there it's like super ritzy like i played boca once but you're so

in and out doing a show that's kind of near of near Miami. Boca's like old people town. Old people Miami. That's all I know, right? Boca's like in Palm Springs, but in a tropical area. Okay. But if you think about the name of it, Boca Raton, Mouth of the Rat. All right. Real nasty.

Yep, Mouth of the Rat. Boca Raton. All right. Why would you name something? Horrible. Like rats weren't even good back then when they were naming shit. They were worse. They were worse. They were terrible.

They carried the plague. So Boca de Beppo is mouth of the. That's Boca de Beppo. Mouth of the Beppo. And that's good. A Beppo is a nutrient. Okay, where are we? In Fort Myers.

Fort Myers, which I've flown into and I'm like, it's a very normal place. Okay. So you're saying it's not a crazy place. But listen, we're not talking about crazy. You wouldn't expect this to happen in Florida. It's not Alligator Alley. Thank you. It's not Lake Okawala.

They had unexpected coming for dinner. This should have been the reboot of Guess Who's Coming to Dinner, I feel like. It's so much better. Right, because you've got to change it a little bit. Like, let's make it a ghost. It's not as crazy to have someone who's a different race coming to dinner. Now this guy thinks he's a ghost. That's a better movie to have someone who's a different race coming to dinner. Now this guy thinks he's a ghost.

That's a better movie. I mean, we've had stories where people married ghosts. So guess who's barging at dinner? Marrying a ghost. Married a ghost. That's a whole thing. Married a ghost. He barged into my family's dinner.

Love it for saying. He never. As soon as I saw him barging in, he wanted, he had kind of ideas about the wedding. All right. The McCaslins were sitting down. Wait, who? The McCaslins. McCaslins?

McCaslins. You know them? That's my grandmother's maiden name. Come on, Dan. These are your relatives. These are your people. M-C-C-A-S-L-I-N? M-C-C-A-S-L-I-N.

McCaslins, Dan. Dan, you could be related to these people. These are your people. These are my people. These are your people. This is kin. Dan got so excited there. I'm having a canon event.

You don't hear that name every day. McCaslin. Yeah. No. Scottish. What was your mom's maiden name? Karabatsis. Ooh, that's nice.

Moth of the rat. Our mom. Moth of the bat. Moth of the bat. And we are in the Chinese year of the bat. That was three years ago. All right, now we're back. Our mom's maiden name was Apple Bomb.

Wow, those are great names. And it was the basis for Tribe Called Quest, Benita Apple Bomb. Yeah, you gotta put me on. Now, the Cazans were sitting down for supper when all of a sudden a random man came barging in the front door. You know he, I don't know, I'm

giving him a Wisconsin. No, you should. You know he only had on a bathing suit, no shoes or anything else, said Brian McCaslin. Wow. Brian McCaslin. Of course he didn't have on shoes. Right. If you're barging into someone's house, it's a miracle he had a bathing suit on.

Just be glad he covered his junk. Florida guy barges in the house swimming trunks. I'm picturing full-on board shorts. Yeah, long, long, long. Yeah, he hasn't gone up to the seven to five inch in his life. This is a guy that would wear board shorts to a funeral. His own.

His own. He's a ghost. Brian McCaslin was at the table. He was buried in that. He died in 96, so he's representing that era of clothing. Brian McCaslin was at the buried in that right he died in 96 so uh he's representing that era of clothing all right he uh brian mccaslin was at his table with his two teenage daughters who i'm sure were respecting the hell out of him at that point i'm sure they weren't on their phone blaming him dad your friend don't talk to the ghost why would you not double book oh my god dad you're so annoying talking to the ghost oh my god this is so dumb and it's so annoying. He's talking to the ghost. Oh my god.

This is so dumb and it's so your fault. He so thinks that the ghost is going to talk to him. Do something. I'm on the phone. I just got insight into your dinner time. Dude, every. God, what? Every teenage daughter.

What are you doing? What am I doing? I love that dad's talking. I love that we can't have our phones at the table and dad's talking to the ghost. Or they side with him. Leave him alone, dad. Jesus. Oh my God, he just wants spaghetti.

Stop marginalizing. Dad's fighting the ghost. Stop marginalizing the ghost. You just don't get it, dad. The ghost is fighting him with probably like a samurai sword. And she's like in his ear like, I'm going to Stacy's for sure. I'm sleeping. The dad is like, I'm going to throw him out of there.

And the daughters are like, it's them. All right. Now here's where Brian starts to give a quote to the news and gets a little over his skis and tries to sound more educated than he, you know, when people try to sound more educated. Yeah. And they'll start interviewed for the news right it's like the kid apparently yeah i love that kid well most people don't have sound bites like locked and loaded and they don't understand so he started the sound bite and he was like oh i better sound smart all right in the middle okay yeah okay as i walked out of the area where we were eating dinner at

a lot of this dining room Nice way of not saying TV room. There was an individual in the living room or front door area. Area is a big word. Individual I feel like is really that's really trying to be like like say a person of interest

proceeding to advance into my house. Proceeding to advance into my house? He loves CSI. Wow. This guy's a full-on procedure. So the unidentified suspect. Not how you tell that story. Is he like putting on rubber gloves as he's saying it?

And then this is where he loses steam. He was in. He was in the house. That's the end? That's the second end. He ran out of words. By the way, all he needed to do was say the second part. He was in. He was in the house. He was in the house. That's all. That's scary. That's enough. Surprised's the second end. He ran out of words. By the way, all he needed to do was say the second part. He was in.

He was in the house. He was in the house. That's all. That's scary. That's enough. Surprised at what he was seeing, McCaslin said the encounter became even stranger. Once the man opened his mouth, he started to tell me that he was a ghost and that I shouldn't be able to see him.

Well, that's on you. Okay. He was shocked that I could see him. Yeah. Yeah. He thought he was walking around that nobody could see him. But every once in a while, okay, when people see see ghosts this is something we know about ghosts you can see that a little bit every once in a while you have a sighting and that's what makes it like sighting

like you saw this answers my other question too because i didn't know if he like broke in and on the spot was like uh i'm a ghost or but he i think drugs probably yeah he thought he was a ghost before he even walked in. Now I'll go in here. Nobody can see me. Yeah. This is one of the oldest things. There's like levels of being drunk and one of them is invisible where you think what you're doing, no one else can see. Like when you're that drunk or like put that down,

like nobody's watching me. Yeah. Yeah. Like no one can see. Look, don't look over there. It's like the old, I was at Amazon women on the Moon or Kentucky Fried Movie? The thing of Ed Begley Jr. played the son of the invisible man and he took off all the bandages and he was there and everyone in the town was like, had to

basically go. So he's a naked guy and he's like moving stuff around. He's like, ooh. And everyone's just sitting there like, yeah. So he thought he was a ghost before he walked in. Yeah, he thought. But he obviously doesn't understand that ghosts aren't invisible. This guy's having trouble now with what he's doing.

So Brian, barely able to believe what he was seeing, tried to get the man back out the front door he came through. There's another quote. I could tell his behavior was not normal, said McCaslin. Who knows what this person might do if they have a chance to think? What does that mean? If they have a chance to not think, they can do anything. Clearly they haven't thought to get to this one.

This might need to be on a t-shirt. Who knows what this person might do if they have a chance to think? So many wrong tenses. Everything's wrong, and also, I don't need that guy to think at all. I think him not thinking is the part I'm scared of.

That's what we're worried about. If he thinks about it, he'll be like, hey, what am I doing in this room? And I should probably put a shirt and some shoes on and hey, I'm not a ghost. That's right. After causing the scene inside, this guy who claims his name is Kevin.

Claims. There's no way to find out, right, Dan? There's no way we can know. Not an exciting fake name. If you're going to make it out. barnaby kevin the ghost came uh running outside to where a crew was cutting down a tree this is the crazy what wait hold on so he came running outside to where a crew was cutting down a tree i don't want him near there yeah right dinnertime tree cutting crew yeah that's a late hour okay he hopped up in one of their trucks and locked himself inside okay he said he doesn't have

a home and he's gonna make their truck his home okay well is that a ghost problem or is that kevin right i mean you don't have to announce it you're a ghost you can say also if you're brian and kevin runs out of your house and into somebody else's truck you're done you're done lock the door. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going back inside. I won't know what's happening out there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is your poltergeist. I'm done with this. And the daughters are like, seriously, what are you doing? Where's Kevin, Dad? I miss Kevin. So now you kick him out. He's homeless. He's sad he doesn't have a home.

The best is just silence as they're eating and forks into the thing. And then just one of the daughters is like, I miss Kevin. It and like forks anything and then just one of the daughters like i miss kevin i know i know life you remember kevin they probably miss mom yeah where's mommy i think it's all wild mccausen said my teenage girls, this is my joke, of course, is my teenage girls almost even looked up from their phones. That's how wild it was. Okay. Wait, he said, oh, I was like, Brian, that's pretty good.

That was funny. It took some coaxing, but the tree trimmers were able to get the man out of the truck where he ran away still wearing nothing but his bathing suit. Well, he didn't gain clothes. Yeah, you're not going to go into a tree trimmer truck and suddenly have an outfit change. Wait, no rest? No. Oh, well, you'll get to it. But Boswin called the Lee County Sheriff's Office,

filed a report. He now wants deputies to find the man, but not press charges. So this guy doesn't want to press charges. Brian. Brian, your relative's dead. They don't want to press charges. So here's how much i was embroiled in

florida my wife's stepfather was the fire commissioner on santa bella island and i met the lee county commissioner this guy i don't know if it's this guy but i met at the time i met the guy he was over at their house for christmas the lee county commissioner so like i'm like two degrees away from the fucking ghost here let's get let's find kevin let's find kevin hopefully we can find this individual and get them the help they need which i think is nice this like we need to talk we need to talk about kevin yeah we do we need to talk about him at length okay so what about that's the kindest like reaction to a ghost man who barged into your house. And then we need to find him.

We need to find this guy and help him to get him some help. And then the article said, if you have information that might help investigators, you can submit an anonymous online tip to S W F L crime stoppers or call 1-800-980-TIPS. I'm really amazed by that ending. Right. Like they,

that he didn't have vitriol for this guy. I guess he didn't really do anything, but it would be really scary. It would be so scary. You're sitting eating dinner on barges? Yeah. Barging into your house? Yeah, he didn't just tiptoe in. He barged. He Kramer'd his way into that house.

Damn. I love it. Well, that's it. I love that story. Maybe we'll get a follow-up. Townies, if you're in this, if you know what's happening, send a tip into one 800. All right. That's your number one down in the books. Lauren Lapkus is with us. We're going to find out. They're going to find out how you can follow her on podcast on the podcast that she's doing

two fantastic ones. We'll do it and we'll let you know what we're doing. It's all on the other side of the breaking stone. People town. We'll be right back. Hey guys, welcome back to the show. Before we get to the podcast, you can support Lauren in and listen to her because she's wonderful. We'll tell you a couple of things that we have going on.

We're doing our Tag It show in September. So we have three things coming up in September. We're going to be in Ann Arbor at the Ann Arbor Comedy Showcase with our buddy Jeff Tice. I love this club. It's September 8th and 9th. So I will have dropped my daughter off at school and then two weeks later I'd just show up again. Like helicoptering around

the college. And when's Parents Weekend? Parents Weekend is November 4th. You know the date. He's got it. I'll be right back. I'll be back again. So this club is really special. We did everything we could and had a fundraiser to try and save this club during the pandemic and they just got through and they are surviving and doing well. We so connected this place it's where we performed we

were in college there so i love this place love roger feeney the guy who does it and dan should be there performing this uh fall as well so we'll be there the 8th and 9th uh and then we're doing our taggett show which is so fun and we've mentioned it many times in the show comedians do their sets jay and i are off to the side writing little joke pitches and then we pitch them our jokes right afterwards that's fun super fun super collaborative it's basically what we all do on this podcast the collaboration we do it's we bring that to the stage so we're doing on the 13th at uh the comedy store in the belly room uh and the guests will include uh many guests who have been on the show ian carmel, Jamie Lee, Melissa Villasenor.

Great, great people will be on that show. Eddie Pepitone. Eddie Pepitone. And then on the 18th at Largo, and that one's going to be a special one. Kumail is going to be on that show. Patton is going to be on that show. Looking like maybe Adam Sandler on that show. It's going to be really fun.

Killer lineup. And Fortune Feimster is going to be on that show. Good people all the way around. So, again, we'll put all those up on superscleros.com, but Largo on the 18th, that and that. Lauren, let's talk about what you have. Yeah, I have a podcast called Freedom with Scott Aukerman and Paul F. Tompkins, where we just tell stories from our lives and we make fun of each other and we do bits and it's just, it builds upon itself for years.

And it's the riffiest, bittiest thing ever. It's insane. And then we play a game at the end submitted by a listener. And so it's either an improv game or some sort of like word game or something where we fuck with each other and it's always fun.

And then I have a show called Newcomers with Nicole Byer where we watch things we've never seen that like everyone in the world has seen. So we did Star Wars. We did Lord of the Rings, Fast and the Furious, Tyler Perry movies. We're doing Batman now. All of them in the series? scene so we did star wars we did lord of the rings fast and the furious tyler perry movies um we're doing batman now all of them in the series yeah oh my god we're like 14 i don't

know how many there are we're doing 14 episodes of batman like how do they get to do that like just be like let's do another batman like it's the same freaking story i'll find out because i just started yeah i'm i'm on on like the third movie now or something. Is there ever a moment where you're watching? You're like, what am I doing? What am I doing? I wonder that all the time with this podcast because I'm like, okay, now I have to watch Clone Wars or something.

I'm like, I don't know. Like my homework is like three hours of Star Wars, but Batman I'm enjoying so far, but that's, we'll see. I love Tim Burton. Yeah. But yeah, we'll see once it gets the heath ledger joker oh my goodness that is like it'll be fun that is a masterful oh yeah yeah and then oh and then look i like michael keaton too i mean i love michael keaton keaton as batman got so much

grief kilmer as batman come on keaton got a lot of grief because they thought he was being fun they thought he was it was. They thought he was. No, it was before it came out. He was like, when he accepted the, this is crazy, but the MTV Movie Awards like were huge.

It was him and Jack Nicholson at the MTV Movie Awards. And he said a thing when he accepted that award, something like, for everybody who thought I was the wrong person for this role.

Because there was huge backlash against him being cast because it was like, Mr. Mom and Beetlejuice hadn't come out yet. Oh, okay. So he wasn't seen that way. No. huge backlash against him being cast because it was like mr mom and uh yeah because the little juice hadn't come out yet okay so he wasn't seen that way no but he was a stand-up like oh i don't even know that he was a stand-up in like the late 70s and he was so fun i mean a guy who's mr mom the the one where night shift night i've never seen that oh my god okay put that on

the list is is him and hen Winkler and Shelley Long. Wow, oh fun. But what was crazy about the Henry Winkler role is that at the time when it came out, Happy Days was the biggest thing ever and he was the font. He was just cool as hell. And in this movie, Night Shift, he plays a very, probably closer to who Henry Winkler is, like the sweetest, most put upon guy ever. And Michael Keaton is just this out of control

like hilarious basically like someone saw Michael Keaton do stand up and they're like all right let's just put let's just put that in the thing have him I bet he wrote a bunch of his riffs on the thing too and it's just amazing anyway oh good super fun anyway but there was a lot of grief he got a lot of grief well I think

he's a great Batman. I agree. Well, people can hear you talk about that. Yeah, I know. People love to hear my opinions, and Nicole and I often have crazy ones. And we also rate people on a horniness scale, so there's a lot going on. The newcomers. Yeah. I love it.

Newcomers and freedom. Those are two things you should just subscribe to right now. Start subscribing to those. All right, you guys want to do a story? Let's do another one. This was sent in by Beck S at Dr. BX underscore. Is that the musician? She's a, yeah.

Dr. Beck. She's a doctor, I think. Unless that's actually Beck, the musician. Aussie man, right? So you know there's drinking in hell. It's going to be wild, yeah. Aussie man whose finger was severed by a crab on a fishing trip. What?

Start over. a fishing trip. Start over. Aussie man whose finger was severed by a crab on a fishing trip uses the digit as bait to catch a fish. No. Let me put that on the book.

How quickly are you over the fact that your finger fell off? That you're just like, it's big now. It's gone. That was a part of you, sir. Yeah, this is toxic mail. To me, I can think of nine reasons why you shouldn't do that yeah i would and you know that's gonna you're gonna cast it out there it's just gonna fall yeah it's done also by the way that would hurt so fucking bad i cut my hand like earlier this year what were you doing um i was baiting a fish i was washing a fancy knife and it just like flipped and I was like, blood.

Like I literally said blood. Like it was so, I didn't know what to do. And my, I could like see things happening and it was so crazy and it hurts so bad still to this day. If I like hit it again, it was like right on a nerve.

But if you lose, so you know the story when I planned this on the first anniversary of our wedding when i i planned the trip of our first anniversary up to napa and we stayed like in napa which is not nice at all you know like you don't know these things when you're trying to plan a trip like also when you're just a young i was 27 years old i was so dumb and like you know i planned a hot air balloon ride that where you know the story of the guy who was so there's a guy who the pilot of the hot air balloon his name was maverick i'm like not a good name yeah bad start you don't want a guy who's like gonna go rogue right well so then i don't want to get in the hot air balloon i looked down and i didn't either but

i looked down at his hand and he's missing like two and a half fingers and i was like from pulling that thing i don't know i'm I'm like, he's either, he's either really takes a lot of chances that he shouldn't, or he's really unlucky either way. That's bad for us. And then of course we were supposed to go one mile up one mile over a one mile down. We went one mile up and then Maverick radios down to the van,

which has all of our stuff underneath. And it's like, I got a wind. I'm going with it. We go 14 miles in another direction into another valley that's so long so weird by the way why is it going for now and that and he's radioing down to the van to said and we're in the i mean we're all in the basket it's like me and my wife and a handful of other people yeah we're like what are we how are we going to land this thing where are

we going because there's a designated spot to land it and he's he's like knock on doors and see if we can land on people's houses he's radioing down to the van. And he's, he's like knock on doors and see if we can land on people's houses. He's radioed down to the van. And then he's like, I see an area between a house on a farm between a house and the hillside. I'm going to try and put it down. And as we're coming down, he's like, okay,

when the basket hits everyone, jump. I'm like, what elevator trick, right? Like crazy. So, but when you see some,

my point being, when you see someone who is like missing fingers you got to ask yourself was that an accident what did he do i did one really bad i just not thinking i had i was i had a i was peeling a lot of like carrots and i just was like oh let me get that carrot and i just ran my own right along the blade and i looked i looked at myself and i'm like what did i just do like in my mind i was on the back side of it like i just wasn't like you could even get feel the hurt you were in the oh i watched it yeah i watched it just split yeah and then uh one time i had a buddy who we were up at the cabin

and he was trying you already know where this the cabin and he was trying, you already know where this is going to go, he was trying to separate frozen patties with a knife. Nope. Nope. Nope. I know. And I... You do that with a screwdriver. I was like in slow motion. I tried to tell him to stop. People, just run

under the sink. Yeah, yeah. Just let it thaw. Let it thaw. You have both your hands right there and you're with a knife to try and like. So right down the center of his hand. So stupid. So we're just going to throw this on the hook and just. Okay, so his finger came off and within moments he's fine and he's just

It came off from a crab which is probably him fucking with a crab. Messing with a crab. A crab bit it off. A keen fisherman recounted a tale, not for the squeamish, after he revealed he used his own severed finger as bait after a crab snipped it off a keen fisherman recounted a tale not for the squeamish after he revealed he used his own severed finger as bait after a crab snipped it off but i'm sorry you still have time to save it right right you could keep it on ice get it back so it's how dumb people flex i can't believe drunk dumb people the man known only as chris from townsville yeah don't give him a last

no that's how he likes to be introduced. Hi, I'm Chris from Townsville. It's the John from Cincinnati. Hi, I'm Chris from Townsville. I like video games, and I don't like girls with long hair. He's on Next. Okay. I don't know why it's in my head.

Give me a high five. Give me a high four and a half. You guys probably missed Next, right? Do you know Next? They don't know Next. Next is like a dating show where you get five guys, and you go, Next. You're like sick of one. probably miss next right you know next they don't know next next next next that would be the bottom barrel you get five guys and you go next you're like sick of one and all the guys are the worst they're all the worst the worst mtv trash and it's all double entendres and bad puns yeah it was the

beginning of of uh tinder yeah yeah yeah swipe swipe right in real life and then they all had to hang out on the bus and how much time do these men like try to cover up their insecurities by being like i'm gonna i'm gonna make her next to me it's like you're just hurting that's not you're just i'm gonna make her next i'm gonna make her next to me how about room raiders though remember that one silent library silent library is still one of the funniest they had's that? They had you to be silent and something crazy happened? You would go into a library and there would be a group of friends sitting at a table and they would have somebody do, like you would have to like hit a mousetrap or something, but you couldn't make any noise.

And if you would get money, if you stayed below a certain like noise decimal. Yes. Silent library is wildly hilarious. No, when we were in college, we had a theory. noise decibel. Yes. Silent library is wildly hilarious. No, when we were in college, we had a theory. Our friend had a theory. Our friend Mark had a theory that like when you're in the law library. You can make a really loud noise as long as it's super short. And nobody will do anything.

So he would walk in and sit down next to you and be like. And no one would do anything. That's a fun game. But if you were like, like hey people would be like everything's cool but no one cares that you did that it's weird it's weird play the penis game growing up yes yeah ryan sickler never knew about this did you guys play the penis no in class like in class, in high school, and some of you just go, penis.

And then someone else would have to say it louder than the person before them. And so you get to a point where people would be like, penis. God, it was so funny. It is funny. It is wildly funny. Then it becomes how quickly you say it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And how much you can make it sound like something else. That's it. The man known only as Chris from Town much you can make it sound like something else. That's it. The man known only as Chris from Townsville in far north Queensland called into Triple M's The Rush Hour with A.B. and Elliot. Triple M's The Rush Hour with A.B. and Elliot. Okay. Which, that's... That's a great show.

Rating show. Radio show. Yeah. It was a long weekend fishing trip, and we'd been out for beers for a while, and we decided to drop the crab pots out, he told the captivated hosts. The angler explained that he and his mates returned to camp and had a few more beers before checking the pots after a few hours. Important detail.

I pulled up one and grabbed one of the crabs, and he bit me on my left pointing finger. You mean your index finger? Yes. My pointing finger. It's the one I used to point. He points when he uses this one. Yeah, my pointing finger i love the one i used to point maybe this is this one yeah my pointing finger listen you bitches chris is like i'm still drunk how weird is this this is my point this is how you point uh my car's right over there you don't talk to me

that way you don't do i pick which finger i point with not you something what it's so it doesn't do anything no yeah that would be wild let me start i was over here okay uh well you go that way he claimed he didn't feel anything amiss but when he looked down about half his finger was on the floor of the boat half the boys decided anything amiss the boys decided we might call it quits and head you home and i said no we've traveled all this way so we ended up staying and fishing the next day oh the next day the next day days are passing i think that might be bad like dude you're you're really bumming a lot of us out you're infected yeah pain yes you're pretending it's fine yes remarkably unconcerned about reattaching his finger the larrikin i don't

know that that's probably where he's from yeah uh but it's not even capitalized explained he was trying to be funny when he instead attached it to his line and threw it overboard hilarious that is kind of trying to be funny there's like so and then the next line should be like he's not a comedian yeah he was trying to be funny he ended up catching a how many pound golden trevally? I have no idea. I don't know. They look like this. He caught like a big fish? They look like that.

Oh, Jesus. That's beautiful. Well, I've zoomed in, but there's no perspective for you. It's a stunning fish. Very pretty fish. That's gorgeous. It's probably protected. You're probably not allowed to catch it.

With his finger, how many pounds of that fish, a golden trevally? I don't know, people. I tried. What do you think? I'm going to say, I don't know how much trevally. I don't know, people. I tried. What do you think? I'm going to say, I don't know how much a fish weighs. I don't know what's normal. I mean, I'm going to go with 11. 11 pounds.

Three pounds. Three. Two pounds. Two pounds. I ended up catching a 25 pound golden trevally. Oh my God. That is so big, you guys. That's so big and it's neon and it's so pretty.

It's beautiful. Wow. And it had a finger inside it. It was the biggest fish we caught that weekend. and it's neon and it's so pretty. It's beautiful. Wow, and it had a finger inside it. It was the biggest fish we caught that weekend, so I had bragging rights. Well, okay. You lost bragging rights when you threw your finger in the ocean.

That's right. You're stupid. I think they should then send the fish away, stuff it, and he should replace his finger with a fin. Yeah. Just like have one little fin. You have bad friends.

They should have been like, we're done. They let him hang out. We're done. It's crazy. Turn around. If I had a friend who lost half a finger in any scenario. Trips over. Trips over.

There's no pardon. It's like, we came a long way. I'd like to stay here. Right. Our drunkest guy takes you to urgent care and you spend the night and you deal with the closest guy. Yeah. Yeah.

Let that guy sober him up. Yeah. And then you just go. That's the night. Bring 10 beers and get them to attach the finger. And that's a story, too. That's a great story. You don't need the fish.

Then he went back out the next day and he got his. Well, but or like or have him make it like a trick finger. So like at parties, you can be like and take it off and put it on and bring it back on again. Like yes. Or donate it to a bar. The finger? You know the toe. You kiss the toe. She doesn't know. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. So there's a

petrified. Up in the Yukon there's a bar. This is in the Jason Manzoukas episode. Oh this is just one place. This is like a common thing. This came up five years ago with Jason Manzoukas. Five? More than that. 2017? Six? Six years ago. There's a toe. This is a common thing. This came up five years ago with Jason Manzikus. Five? More than that. 2017? Six? Six years ago.

There's a toe? There's a drink in Yukon at this bar. It's called the Severed Toe Shot or whatever. Kiss the toe. They have a toe and they put it in there. You drink it and then you kiss the toe and it hits your lips and put it back down. And it's real? Yes.

Some people have accidentally swallowed it. They were missing one. They were missing one and They were missing one. And so people donated other ones. Jason didn't handle this story very well. Donated? None of us did. So I'm saying like you could donate it to your local bar and be like, kiss the finger.

It's better than, honestly, it's better than a toe. There's something so gross about a toe. Thank you. Just the idea of toes. Yeah. I hate it. Just the idea of toes. Yes.

Especially separated from the rest. Separated. Severed toes. Yes. All all right that's story number two what do you get if you kiss the toe you get a prize no oh i think they gave you no probably a shirt i think you should get a flip flop or whatever yeah you should get a like a like a golden flip facade something like that for covid so uh so i know we kind of so this i don't i don't know why this show is like very animal oriented i believe my third story is about a uh a guy this again is in florida and it just is like how stupid can you be related to animals outside your door pretty stupid very stupid it's dumb people town lauren lapkus is with us we'll find out what dan's got going on

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Townies, the most fun thing, if you come out to a show, I'm going to open them by saying, any townies here have a headline they want to read. And we will goof around a little bit before I bring out the host and kick the show off in earnest. I love it. But I just locked in, remember, our buddy Hayes Palmer. Yes.

He has a theater, a small little theater in Raleigh, North Carolina. I'm playing there for the first time. I believe that's Saturday, October 14th. It's one of their first shows they're ever going to do. So I have never headlined Raleigh and I can't wait to go into shows there. But go to danielvankirk.com. I'm going to be all over the Midwest and the South, all leading up to 1111,

my special taping and album recording at the Lincoln Lodge in Chicago, Illinois. The old place I used to go. Oh, really? Go to danielvankirk.com. Links should be up there. If they're not, they will be soon. Hang him from the rafters

at that show. Yeah, it's going to be great. Two that night or one? I'm doing two. Okay. I'm doing two. So let's fill those shows.

I would love it. They actually sent us an email last week saying it looks like it's going to sell out. So based on where we're at right now. So if you want to come

out to those shows, get your tickets now. Yeah. And there will be some sort of unofficial after party. 11-11 is a Saturday. It is a Saturday right so make a weekend of it if you're nearby you're in wisconsin or you're in your come on down i guess where i'm at the night before

yeah rochelle illinois oh yeah i'm doing my hometown are you doing a show yeah i'm doing a show on friday i love it yeah at uh it's called fat cats it's my buddy's bar he's got like a banquet but they only it only it only seats like 100 people. And the last time I did Rochelle, I think we sold like 347. But I said, hey, I want to do it at my buddy's place. Give him the business. So we might do two shows. But if anybody wants to make a weekend out of it.

Might do four. Come to Fat Cats. You can celebrate your wedding or your divorce. On a tent. All day down at Fat Cats. Hey, she's not going to know you're there. All right. You guys ready?

Yeah. Fat Cats. Nobody told her you're going to be there. Fat Cats. We'll keep it a secret, all right? Fat Cats. She thinks you're down. Fat Cats.

You clean it up. Fat Cats. Your aunt has no idea. Look, you're going to have fun. You're going to learn how to dab. Your aunt has no idea. you're gonna have fun you're gonna learn how to dance all right so this next story is sent in by our good friend jake roney at jake roney this is a story of just what in the f are you doing and why are you doing this again it i when you put yourself in the position of people there's no way you'd make i love this show because there is a moment in every single it's like when you're watching

football if you're watching like the watching patrick mahomes you're watching the kansas city chiefs and you're like he's got to make a play right here if they're going to win this game you say this all the time so you gotta make a play why is he making but like something's gotta happen now this story came by way of the new york post so trigger warning okay there will be a lot there'll be so many dumb puns you're gonna want to punch someone in the face so just hold whatever you do there's like a moment where i'm reading the new york post i'm like is rudy giuliani writing this does he does he just write all the articles do you think people who are like good at puns get excited to like apply there yeah i could really write this look at all the puns all right so and the other thing about this story is in a regular world like before we knew florida

was as crazy it was this would be the craziest story that anybody has ever told someone but just because it's florida you're like yeah whatever it's like so ho-hum we've normalized this story so just keep that in mind okay here we go it was a very unwelcome house call that's how they stuck sure enough in the post shut up a florida right what is it a florida man was attacked by an alligator after opening his front door saturday night according to the report now if you just open the door and an alligator and you didn't see the alligator fine i feel bad for this guy yeah or it's like there's some motion on the ring go get it yeah what's the old snl sketch though the woman daytona beach resident scott hollingsworth this guy yeah last name makes him seem like

british yeah aristocracy like Part of the ruling class. Sometimes just on a person's name, you can tell they weren't born in Florida. From the house of Hollingsworth. Like Hollingsworth, not Hollingshead is like an area. We're taking the kids up to Hollingshead this weekend. All right. So Scott Hollingsworth told

W-E-S-H that he heard a noise outside his home at what time? 3 a.m. 3 a.m.? Okay, what do you think? Are you a Matchbox 20 song? Well, he must have been lonely.

I'm sure he was. I'm going to go 8 p.m. 8 p.m.? Jay, what do you think? Right during his show. Say 11.30 p.m. Okay. Get your answers in, Townies, because this was a round.

I love that they say it's a round and then give you 9.42 p.m okay get your answers in townies because this was around i love to say it's around and then give you exactly 9 42 p.m just around it was actually 9 48 but it was around 9 42 we don't want to say what if it was we don't want to make anyone what if it was 9 45 and they're like it was around 9 42 we just like to keep it interesting everybody says 9 45 9 30 it's like it was around 9 42 it had recently been right no one can say that it's 945 it's not around 942 am i wrong it's like when you realize you've written just too many times in like a message like it's too chill yeah yeah i'm just wondering if you're wondering yeah i'm just wondering if it's just not too big of a deal. Just maybe we...

You should just stop. Wait, is it... Did it say there was a knock or any noise? No, he heard a noise outside his home around 942 and when he stepped outside, quote, something grabbed me on the leg

and started shaking violently. The mouth, right? If you are in Florida and you hear a noise, you don't just... Look out the window. Thank you. you don't just open the door. Anywhere you live. Agreed.

Just peek. Yeah. Get a peek. Hello? Yeah. Yeah. What if you're up in Northern California or in Tahoe and you hear a noise? That could be a bear.

I mean, if I hear a noise in LA, I don't want to just open it and see. If I hear a knock, I'm not just opening it. No need to be careful. I'm on the camera and see what's going on. Just walk towards the loud noise is what I say. Let careful on the camera and see what's going on just walk towards the loud noise is what i say open the door and see what's going on out here so that now you're like i feel bad for this guy you open up the door and got to i feel like the part where he said something grabbed my leg and was shaking i'm like there's not that long where you're going something's doing it like it's like it's like instantaneous

they're like an alligator like it's huge something's going on it's like dan when he scraped his finger on the thing he had to like be like what something must have happened this isn't a intruder so now i this is the point where we will all turn on this guy he added that he didn't turn on a light so he didn't get a good look at the assailant but told the station he initially thought it was a dog. Turn on the light! I'm sorry. If you're going to go outside... How dark is it? It's dark. How dark is it? There's a very scaly dog

biting my leg. Let's go to our Florida correspondent. Randy, how dark is it in that area? It is so dark. No lights at all. Why would you not turn on a light? Not one. You hear a noise outside your door. So the first step is light. Light on, peek out the window.

What's going on out there? Yeah. Who is this? A grown man in here. Yeah. That's Dan and him. I see you have that tool. I don't have that tool. It's Midwest. I can't say that. I'm like, hello. They're going to get me. I did a bit in my first album about what happens to people when you're in the public bathroom and yet that's exactly what i said there's a man in here

grown man go away now man with issues in here it's me I'm in here now. So he then said, I stepped back and closed the door. So he got his leg out of the jaws of an alligator. Yeah. And then did he go back out again and see if it was still there? Guys, I don't want to talk like I'm a Florida expert, but any body of water or anything near near, you have to assume we were. We were riding our bikes down through this little pathway through a neighborhood. And in the back, I looked and I saw two alligators outside of a lake area. I don't want to play with that.

I don't like that tempting an alligator with my bicycle riding by. I love that he's like, and then I step back inside. And then what'd you do? Like watch three more hours of CSI? Made a Dagwood sandwich? Yeah, he just chopped his leg off. He said he looked down and he saw he had, quote, a large

gash on the side of his leg. So still think it's a dog, right? Like he didn't see what it was. I even think describing he looked down and it's like, that's just, you don't have to say that. He had a huge gap. He saw he had a huge gap.

He looked down and noticed on his leg, there was a line of blood related to a gash. Like it's just, it is horrible. Way to draw it out. It's overwritten. It's way overwritten. It scared the shit out of the alligator. Yeah.

I am concerned. So here's the thing about this guy. We need to find the alligator and get it help. So do it. I mean, this, this getting, having a huge gash from an alligator is going to up anybody's i can get to the bone imagine what it's this guy

he mean a fancy knife has ruined her hand i know honestly it hurts right now it hurts to talk about it when i talk about it i did yeah it was crazy that's always a decision too you're like am i gonna go to urgent care i had to oh it was crazy oh my god you said you saw a, it was crazy. That's always a decision, too. You're like, am I going to go to urgent care? I had to. Oh, it was crazy. Oh, my God. You said you saw things. You saw things. You do not want to look at those.

And actually, just as a sort of story to warn people, my husband wrapped it really tightly. And then we got to the place. And then they're like, it's wrapped so tightly that you could have lost your finger. Yeah, because you're stopping. And I didn't know that. I wasn't thinking about that. I was just more like, we did it. Let's go. yeah because you're just stopping and i didn't know that i wasn't thinking about that i was just more like we did it let's go you still hold that against your husband in other arguments

apply pressure apply pressure but i think they also like to tell you what could have happened they're like yeah you could have lost that finger if you're so stupid i'm like all right yeah exactly if i didn't wrap it up what would happen then i could have bled out and died yes well the homeowner who planned to attend this week's bike week the what is bike just throw that in there with no explanation wait bike we planned on going to bike you know bike week guys bike week what is the actual fuck is bike week what it oh it feels like something for 11-year-olds, though, right? Yeah.

You have your tassels. You bringing the kids down to bike week? Yeah. Yeah, the tassels. Dirt bikes. Huffy Con. Huffy. Huffy.

Aaron's yelling at you. Just a bunch of burned-out kids on Diamondback Harry Larrys. Instead, the guy required surgery for his injury and told WESH that. Surgery? He told everyone that everything's going well, but he probably won't be biking anytime soon, which leads me to believe it is pedaling on a bike. But how about i probably won't be opening the door to noises and yeah probably the right lesson out of that he's like i can't go to bike week yeah there goes bike week thanks a lot alligator was outside your door thanks a lot world no i can't go to bike week

yeah you better find out what's outside your door if you if you want to go to that if you want to go to bike this should be an ad for ring cameras that's what this should be yeah or windows or windows thank you seriously so we're gonna end it on i mean it's just so stupid we're gonna end it on this okay how so the authorities came and they found oh they did they found the alligator lurking outside of the outside of the area how big is this alligator who he thought was a dog okay because this is gonna now make so we already don't like him he wanted to go to bike week and that's the thing about him is that he was make him down he's mad that he's missing bike

week number one that he even attends bike week makes me not like him but he's mad he's not gonna go to bike week number two he hears a noise goes outside without turning a light on without looking at it number three thinks it's a dog because he hoped someone else was on the other side of that yeah yeah yeah he hoped she came back barbara she's out there making a noise she wants me to find her my ex-wife is rustling in the wait till i tell her that i found me she always does this after we have a fight. That's so her. That was our thing. She did that.

Yeah, that's her mating call. She loves to rustle. She likes to get low. I can tell it's her other. All right, so how big was this thing? Alligator dog. Alligator dog. Is it measured in feet?

Oh, it's measured in feet. Okay. I'll go first. Yeah. Seven feet. Seven feet. All right. That's huge. I was going to go bigger, but now I'm doubting myself. You can I'll go first. Yeah. Seven feet. Seven feet. That's huge. I was going to go bigger, but now I'm doubting myself. You can do whatever you want. No, but tail.

They add the length of the tail. Go with your gut. I think it's the same thing. The weight I gave to the fish, but 11 feet. 11 feet. What do you think, Jay? Oh my god, I was going to say 11. How about nine feet? Nine feet. Okay. One of you is exactly right. What? Now we get to play the game. He said seven.

Seven. Eleven. Nine. Now you can stay where you're at or you can jump to a different one. It's so fun. Okay, I'm going to do nine. You're going to do nine? I'm going to jump to 11.

No! That's what I wanted to say. Sticking with seven. Sticking with seven. Okay. We switched. Get your answers in, townies. Okay.

Because the alligator that was found lurking outside of this man's door that he thought was a dog because he didn't turn a light on it and it grabbed his leg and it claimed to be a ghost. And now he can't go to bike week. Is nine feet. Gotcha. I don't believe in myself. So good. What a great way to end a fantastic episode.

That is enormous. No, that's a big dog. That's a big dog. And I don't think they make sounds like dogs. And I don't think it would feel like a dog. All right, there you go. Don't be stupid. Turn the light on, everybody.

We love you so much. Here's what you're going to do. You're going to go see Dan at all of his shows. And definitely on 11.11. Yeah, bring a headline. See us at Ann Arbor. You're going to see us when we do the Tag It shows. You're going to subscribe and listen to Freedom and the Newcomers.

Those are two new podcasts in your queue. We love you guys thanks sir uh thanks for being on the show and oh shit we got to get back to work so we'll see you