Dumb People Town - Lauren Lapkus, Patton Oswalt & Joey Ryan - A Man and His Spaghetti

Episode Date: July 30, 2019

To start off a very special Dumb People Town Live from Largo, Joey Ryan of The Milk Carton Kids sings the theme song. After a few Flatos, the guys celebrate guests Lauren Lapkus and Patton Oswalt with the Florida Man Birthday game. Then they discuss story 1 where a scantily clad woman breaks into a house and surprises the homeowner. In story 2, a man and his stylish cat are caught, also breaking into a house. 

Star Beans on Air. All right, all right, all right! You guys! Thank you for coming out, Dumb People Town. I'm going to make all the jokes that Jason's going to make about my facial hair and shirt and outfit right now. We've got to keep this show tight. I've got to go back and pretend to be Tom Selleck

stocking the shelves at Trader Joe's. Okay, so our musical guest tonight is fantastic. He is one half of a fantastic duo, and I think he is your... First of all, let me just warn you, initially, he is not very pleasant to look at. He's not a good-looking guy. He does not have a great silky-smooth voice,

so I know this is going to be painful for a lot of people. He is a part of the Milk Carton Kids, which is a band that I absolutely love, and he is going to grace you with just the most beautiful music about dumb, dumb people. Would you please welcome Joey Ryan, everybody? Joey Ryan of the Milk Carton Kids! Thank you. Thank you very much. I am so honored to be a part of this night.

I can't believe I'm sharing the stage with these people. I look up to them so much. The Sklars, I think, are geniuses. I play in a duo. They're in a duo. I always tell them they're like a band, only funnier. And I've gotten to know, I've gotten pretty friendly with Jason, right? That's the one? And since we met, he's been telling me, we have this podcast, you've got to come do it.

It's called Dumb People Town, and you would be perfect for it. So this is a long time coming, and I'm honored to be here. Kenneth, my bandmate, and I as the Milk Carton Kids, we're musical guests quite a lot on comedy shows, and so I know a thing or two about getting these things kicked off, so I'll start with a down-tempo number about sort of an existential crisis. Let's do this. Set the tone When I was a kid

You could look in my eyes And see the whole world spinning there I used to walk out in the rain at night Just to feel it soak into my hair I could have sworn we were headed somewhere, but it was a fantasy that only drew empty stares. Angry I don't know, and I don't care. Just look at us now. Just look at us now

When I was a kid you could look to a time When all the wars had come and gone It was the end of all history The dust had settled down It was a new dawn We wanted to prove we were something It was the end of all history. The dust had settled down. It was a new dawn. We wanted to prove we were something. We were special.

We knew in our hearts we weren't the only ones. Somehow we turned around and we were wrong. Just look at us now. Just look at us now I cried out with no reply Into the silence of the night To the child that I don't recognize a child that I don't recognize. When I met you, you could look in my eyes and see a love light burning there. We used to walk up in the hills at dawn to see a world coming up for air. You could have told me it would never end Nothing could ever come between such two good friends

Make me another promise if you dare Just look at us now Just look at us now Just look at us now Just look at us now Just look at us now Thank you. And I'm supposed to sing the theme song now for the podcast.

I think I'll just do it in the same style as that last song, as though it never ended. I assume everybody will take the stage very morosely and have an uphill battle. piano plays softly Dan and Rand and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes shoes The lives they choose will make the news

Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say we couldn't make this up. Dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum. So listen to our podcast jam. Co-host our man Dan Van Kirk Don't be a jerk

Cause when the music quits The funny hits We are gonna take you down Stick around Make a sound Hunker down It's Dumb People Town Thank you. Joey Ryan of the Milk Carton Kids.

Yes, sir. You ready? Hey, townies. Welcome to a live episode of Dumb People Town. Population U, guys. Population Largo. Daniel, how are you, sir? I'm very good, my friend.

How are you? Wasn't that beautiful? My God. That was outstanding. It was haunting. Haunting. Haunting. And again, we apologize

that he's not better looking I'm sorry Joey Ryan tough to look at tough to listen to Joey Ryan that's the name

of his next album tough to look at tough to listen to Joey Ryan alright we we love doing this show love doing it at Largo

it's a special place always special things happen we have a great guest before we get to our guest, we like to just sort of loosen up. Do our calisthenics. It's almost like comedy jumping jacks. It's almost like

Prada Yama breathing for this show. Pay homage to the patron taint of dumb people. We're of course talking about our friend and your friend, Jan Flato. friend and your friend Jan Flato. There he is, Jan Flato.

Again, quick recapper for the first people who are coming here for the first time. Jan Flato took his Russian friend hashtag escort

to a casino. He put $100 into a slot machine. She pushed the button. They won $100,000. She went up to collect and said split it in half. And they said, who pushed the button? She said button. They won $100,000. She went up to collect and said,

split it in half. And they said, who pushed the button? She said, me. And they said, it's your money. She said, okay, I'll take the money. Have security. Keep this man away from me. And she took his half of the $50,000. The good thing is, he looks like someone that would happen to.

He looks like someone that would happen to twice in a lifetime. So we started to look at this guy and we're like, Yeah. He looks like someone that would happen to you twice in a lifetime. So we started to look at this guy and we're like, he kind of looks like the one doobie brother they didn't want to take

on tour. You know what I mean? I said when he was born, the doctor slapped a bass guitar. Of course they did. Of course they did. So Jan Vlado is just,

he's become a character and for those who don't know, like he's found out about this podcast. He's joined the Facebook. He loves that we've mythologized him. He does. And for those who don't know, he's found out about this podcast. He's joined the Facebook. He loves that we've mythologized him. He does. And so he now interacts regularly. He emails

Dan a lot. I'm not joking. I emailed with Jan Flato today. I encouraged him to get on Instagram. He said, I'll have a kid show me. Not his kid. A kid. A kid.

A kid. Hey, come here. Hey, kid. I know I'm allowed to be this close. Get over here. Show me how this Insta book works. So we always start off every show with some truisms about Jan. You know, people know some stuff about him.

He's like a mythological creature. For example, to this day, Jan Flato insists that Mr. Holland's opus is a porno. Okay. Now, he could be right. Jan Flato sleeps in a tent in his house. All of Jan Flato's beds have been pull out. Same with his sexual tactics.

Jan Flato once told a baby to shut up on a plane. Jan Flato likes his porches like he likes his sunglasses. Wrap around. Jan Flato bets on the Special Olympics. Okay. And wins. Jan Flato has taken the morning after pill. The night before.

Jan Flato's 90% sure he once got drunk with Megan Rapinoe. And she fingered him. Jan Flato's penis is an innie. Hold on a second. When Jan Flato DJs a bar mitzvah, he brings his own pyro. Jan Flato is not willing and able to help in case of an emergency.

He will be moved. Not willing. No. Jan Flato once stole a bookmobile. Jan Flato has a wheelchair in the trunk of his car that says, for theme parks only. Jan Flato wears Spanx.

Jan Flato has never hit anyone with a closed fist. Jan Flato only wears Velcro shoes because in all things he believes in never tying the knot. It'll happen. Jan Flato has a bath mat made out of baby hair. They donated it! Come on. It'll happen. Jan Flato has a bath mat made out of baby hair. Whoa.

They donated it. Come on. Jan Flato has memorized the bathroom code to every Starbucks he's ever been in. Jan Flato taught all of his nieces how to shave. Nieces. Jan Flato has been asked more than once to stop donating his sperm for three consecutive years Jan Flato was the only person

at the family reunion Jan Flato thanks God it's Thursday Jan Flato once neared the back of a man he did not know and I guess this will be the last one Jan Flato was dishonorably discharged from the KISS Army. Oh, my God. Jan Flato, everybody.

We love you, Jan. Stay golden. Stay golden. All right, we're going to bring out our guests. And normally when we do this at Largo, we usually bring out one guest and then bring another guest out for the second story. But both of these guests have been on our show before. They understand it well.

They're people we love. They're so funny, we can't keep them off the stage. That's right. So would you please welcome, and I will give their credits, but we'll do it when they sit down, our friends Lauren Lapkus and Patton Oswalt. All right, you guys! Yay! Yay. Oh, all right. Guys.

Yay. That was a flurry of Flados right there. It was a flurry of Flados. We like to get it all cooking with that. Is Flado, could Flado be the name of a group of something? What is a Flado? What is a Flado? It's like a Fl name of a group of something? What is a Flato? What is a Flato? It's like a Flato of gorillas or something like that.

That's what you call a dozen funnel cakes. Grab that Flato of funnel cakes because these guys need to eat those. How many funnel cakes do you want? Give me a Flato. Or it's what you call 25 shopping carts. There's a Flato.

Like outside the Gelsen. Jeff, get out there and clean them up. Jeff, we got a Play-Doh out there in the parking lot. Come on, Jeff. No one can park. A Play-Doh of course means nobody can park. Hey guys, we're Play-Dohing right now. We're Play-Dohing.

It's for the 4th of July. Come on. People are coming in to buy stuff. We're Play-Dohing. Let's go just stop oh Flato I like the funnel cake

so better that is perfect no I love it Flato so you guys have both done the show before and I think since you both

done the show correct me if I'm wrong but the world has gotten even dumber oh my has it gotten dumber or dumb is louder what is it

is it just that people are prouder to be dumb I think it's getting dumber. And yeah, I guess the worst people are talking louder. Yes. I agree with that. Feels bad. Well, it almost feels like the worst people are constantly,

it's like the worst people are edging a little bit more into a very, very hot tub to see how much they can stand. Of like, how further, how deep can I go in this? They're constantly testing the limits. What can I say and not lose my job and life and friends? Or be promoted. Like that's the other. Are you so tan right now?

I've gotten way tan. Guys. Randy's been tan since Burning Man last year. I don't know if you guys know, but. Did you guys know Randy went to Burning Man? Talk to him for two minutes and you'll find out all about it. You are like a golden

dog. You know what his Burning Man name is, right? No. Hot Clip. Wow. Hot what? Oh, you heard it. Hot Clip. Hot Clip. That's his playa name. Fair enough. It's not my fucking Burning Man name. It's my playa name. Whatever. Jesus.

I think you look great. And congratulations on the skip tracing business in Corpus Christi. How's that going? That going good? Hey, man. A lot of drifters down there. A lot of drifters, man. A lot of drifters down there.

It's so cool, Randy, that you got a job at Tommy Bahama. That's fantastic. I didn't know. My job is to tell you not enough parrots on that shirt. You know what I mean? I just look at the shirts that come off. I was like, what is that, 49 on there? Throw another couple of parrots.

From the car to the door, Randy got asked three times, what time does the bar open? It's like, I don't know. When does the new season of Simon and Sklar start? Tuesdays today.

All right, there you go. All right, shall we get into a story? We got to do it. Actually, well, we have a new tradition

that we started on the last show that we will now do with all live shows. We've only done it here at Largo a story? We got to do it. Actually, well, we have a new tradition that we started on the last show. Oh, yes. This is so fun. That we will now do with all live shows. We've only done it here at Largo. I'm sure we will do it in Brooklyn. What is that? October 13th.

October 13th. Are you at the Bell House? Yes, we are. We are at the Bell House. It is the Florida Man birthday game where the game is you take your birth date. Year is not necessary. And then we find out who your Florida man is. Yay!

Yeah, so you're going to learn a little something about yourself. For example, are you ready, Joey Ryan, to find out who your Florida man is? I'm ready. You were born ready. There's a video that accompanies this. I'll see if I can play it. I will read it to you first. Okay.

Now, if I'm correct, your birthday is February 8th? Yes. February 8th. Florida man gets stuck to prepped drag strip... I can do this. Dan, you got it, buddy. Prepped drag strip surface

at the GTR, no clue what that stands for, World Cup. Let's see if this works. So he decided he was going to walk across the track. And they have to keep that as frictiony as possible. And he found this out the hard way.

Alright, Lauren Lapkus. Yes. I have you as September 6th. Correct. Alright. Florida suspect tries to swim away from police is subdued by September 6th. Correct. Alright. Florida suspect tries to swim away from police is subdued by algae.

Nature always wins, motherfucker. Oh my god. There's a little blurb here. A Florida man went from suspect to victim in need of help after trying to flee from police in a canal only to be overwhelmed by algae. What does that mean?

How do you come to terms with that? There's got to be a long denial period before you realize algae has won. Algae caught you. Yes. And when he went to prison, he had to find the toughest lichen in the yard and beat the crap out of it.

Punch it right in the leaf. Right in the leaf. I get it. You're a bitch. I get it. Patton. I have January 27th. You're correct. Florida man prompts

evacuation at Taco Bell. You could stop right there. That's all we need. By the way, I prompted an evacuation at Taco Bell once. No, wait a minute. That's almost the beginning of a dumb people town story. It is. Yeah.

Florida man props evacuation at Taco Bell after bringing grenade that he found while fishing. No. He found a... I'll read it. It's like four sentences. A Florida man made an explosive discovery Saturday. They're trying to catch it. That's clickbait sentence. A Florida man made an explosive discovery Saturday. They're trying to catch it.

That's clickbait. While magnet fishing, while using a magnet to search... Magnet fishing. You fish for metal? While using a magnet to search water for salvage items, the fisherman pulled up a World War II

hand grenade, according to police in Ocala, Florida, about 80 miles northwest of Orlando. Wait, Dan, now you've got to tell the story about being in a flea market when you're 10. When you're 10 years old. Oh, this is true. Princeton Flea Market, Princeton, Wisconsin. My brother Matt, my cousin Kenny,

nine years old, they bought a grenade. My mom marched them back up to this guy selling his wares, and she said, did you, did you sell these boys a grenade? He looked at her and said, they talked me down to three bucks. She said, is it real? Is it a real grenade?

He looked Diane in the eyes, and he goes, it's never gone off. That's not what you want to hear. That's so far down. Never gone off. I'd rather hear it went off twice I just love that this guy was like Hell yeah, a grenade, I'm getting a chalupa

Right Where do I go with that? First, I just learned that there's a thing called magnet fishing Which I didn't realize was the aquatic version Of walking along the sand with a magnet vector Have you seen someone do that recently? Every time I go to Santa Monica There's people out there

But also, like you said, I've pulled a grenade up. Let's go right to Taco Bell. It's time for fourth meal. I just love the idea that people are showing up at Santa Monica Beach with lumps of gold. That they're just in loose

pockets falling out. Somehow, some fucking hero brought a grenade back from World War II and then his asshole grandkid threw it into the water. Is that how you thought that happened? Who else doesn't get that? I thought World War II was happening and he was like, whoops.

There was some guy in 43 that just had a grenade and was like, there's a sub out there. The Luftwaffe is trying to take Sarasota. He was his town's George Bailey just trying to do his part on the count of his ear. Or he's like John Grease from Napoleon Dynamite. Watch me throw this grenade into Germany. And it goes like 11 feet

into a creek. And how long did that Florida man in the 40s stand there waiting for it to go off? Hours. Decades. Do we want to do a story? Okay, here we go. This was sent in by

this is perfect and not planned Barf McFart Turd. Now if you think that's somebody who's just changed their name on Twitter This is perfect and not planned. Barf McFart Turd. Okay. Now, if you think that's somebody who's just changed their name on Twitter for the week, no. Handle is at McFart Turd. Okay. They've leaned way in on this chapter of their life. There's a moment when I say that I'm like, I wish I was that free with my life.

You know what I mean? I just didn't give a shit. This guy will never get a job at Circuit City. Okay. Or maybe he's got too many job offers from Circuit City. I changed my name to Poop McVomit and it didn't change my life one discernible bit. Barf McFart Turd is way hotter. Thank you.

I agree. Good point. I'm going to read you the headline. Woman in only bra and panties arrested, or as I like to call this, the headline. Woman in only bra and panties arrested. Or as I like to call this, the Ballad of Kimberly Lance. Woman in only bra and panties. Is it her only bra and panties?

Like it's the only one she owns? Or the only one left in the world. Exactly. A woman wearing only a bra and panties was taken into custody Wednesday. We don't need a date because we're just writing articles for people down the street. But can I just stop for a second? She is in a bra and panties, which we've done so many stories where people have just gotten naked. And I feel like in some levels...

There is some decorum. I feel like they should be giving it more of a tasteful woman in a bra and panties. Woman who was decent enough. Exactly. Yeah, was decent enough. Exactly. Yeah, that would work. She was taken into custody Wednesday after breaking into two Williams Township homes. It sounds like a retirement community.

Yeah, it does. Grabbing a knife and assaulting a resident and trying to lock herself in a car trunk before resisting arrest, Pennsylvania State Police report. It's so misleading to start with her being in a bra and panties because it sounds attractive. You just picture a beautiful woman, but she's like

Right. Like she's taped knives to her teeth. The bra is probably gross. This could be like, how much shit could a hot woman get away with? Or best Victoria's Secret video ever. Like the photo shoot went crazy. We were on a beach.

And then all of a sudden, she tried to lock herself in the trunk. The bra gave me so much support when I was trying to bust into that trunk. Here we go. Let's lean in. Unpack it. A resident at 20 Hexenkopf Road. That sounds like a curse. Yep, you've got to get that out of Voldemort.

Hexenkopf was my favorite house from Harry Potter, right? It was Hexenkopf. Your sorting hat put you on Hexenkopf. A resident at 20 Hexenkopf Road was coming out of the bathroom midday when he heard a noise inside the home, police said. I feel like the sorting bra put you in. It'd be sorting Spanx.

The woman opens up. Ravenclaw. No, Slytherin. No, Ravenclaw. You shut up. Either side. Each cop is arguing. And then together at the same time, they're like, hexing cop.

He walks out of the bathroom when he found Kimberly Lanz going through the kitchen closet, police said. She was attempting to use, this is when you know a person's in a different universe. She was attempting to use a bicycle tire repair kit to cover cuts on her. What? She doesn't want any more leaks. No more leaks. Jeez. The resident

asked if she needed help. No shit. Yeah. And offered band-aids, which she initially agreed to take. Okay, this is going to take a hard turn. She agreed to take the band-aids. Why are they reasoning with me? Exactly. Hey, Kim. How do you know me?

You're Kim. The resident asked if she needed help and offered band-aids, which she initially agreed to take before breaking the kitchen window with a toaster and potted plants. That's a hard turn for Kimberly Lance. You want band-aids? I sure as hell do. If that toaster would stop fucking looking at me. It's your reflection.

She don't like me. Maybe she thinks she's a ghost. They won't see this toaster go flying across the room. My invisibility serum finally worked. Lance, who lists an address in Bethlehem,

but has previously lived in williams township and quaker town this is their way of saying no one knows why do we need his history oh that's her history oh that was the guy whose house it was okay this is like you've heard of the legend of bagger vance this is the legend of mary van lance kimberly lance or it's land s i it's L-A-N-D-E-S. Landess. Landess? Landess.

It's not Lance. You know what? Survey says. It is definitely not Lance. Landess. Please point that out. Landess. It's so not Lance.

All right. Either way. Landess or Lance, who listened to Dressing Beth Lamb, but was previously in Williams Township, Quaker Town, continued to destroy the kitchen and then grab the knife, because they always do. I'm sorry, then grab the knife. Right, yeah. You first got to take care of them

potted plants. You got to shut those potted plants up first. Toaster through the window is a strong, like, it's hard to throw a toaster through the window. I would think if you tossed it, it would, like, crack the window but bounce off. But she chucked it all the way through the window. I'm kind of proud of her.

Don't doubt Kim. So it must have been like a four-slice, you know what I mean, one of those big kind of Greg Barron fantastic special four-slice Williams-Senova. That is a deep pull. I got to give credit where credit is due. He introduced a generation to the toaster. Special Four slice Williams Deep pull That is a deep pull I gotta give credit Where credit is due Like that foot

He introduced a generation To the toaster Yeah That toaster The resident Struggled with lands And the knife And suffered cuts

To his nose and hands I'm not trying to Victim blame here But if someone is using Bike tire repair kits On their wounds And then destroys your kitchen And they grab a knife

I walk out Let it go Let them go. And if they come back to you, they're yours forever. But let them go. Do not obstruct anything. You want to leave? You've got every right. Go through the window. She will tire herself out. Encourage her to climb through the broken window.

That's what you do. You try to coach her out of your house. I bet you can make it through there. You got this. Landis ran from the home and tried to break into 30 Hexing Cop Road, which is attached, police said. No one cares. She briefly got inside before the resident of the other home grabbed her and removed her by force. That person was not giving a shit.

That's good for her because in the other home, the beds were too hard. And the porridge was too cold. Like we never at all consider that Goldilocks could have been on meth. You know what I mean? Yes, she's breaking and entering into bear's homes. She's like chewing her cheek

instead of the porridge and she's like, I don't like this at all. Why is Goldil like chewing her cheek instead of the porridge and she's like, I don't like this at all. Why is Goldilocks chewing her cheek? Why is the government talking me through my fillings? Goldilocks in day three. That was the original title of this. She then went into the garage

next to 20 Heskinkoff Road and went through the car and its trunk. She tried to lock herself in the trunk, but the resident stopped her. Let her. Yeah, then you're done. She's catching herself. That's the problem. She's putting herself in like a mob plot that doesn't exist.

You know what I mean? Right. You drive to some old lady's house and ask them to make you some spaghetti, get a knife for the hoof, and you're good. She was trying to get handcuffs on herself, but I stopped her. I was able to stop her and hand her five knives, so that definitely helped the situation. She started reading herself her Miranda rights. I was like, no, no, no, no.

She was trying to subdue herself, and then I handed her a Dustbuster. She threw that through the garage window. There's more you can throw, Cam. Don't give up yet. I feel like everyone is trying to encourage her grace to continue to go. They've got it. You have to keep Williams Township weird. She locked herself in the trunk of the car, but the resident stopped her.

Landis, this person is not a great writer. I'm going to read these sentences back to back. She tried to lock herself in the trunk, but the resident stopped her. Landis tossed potted plants into the river stream that parallels the home and went into the water. I don't know where she got the plants for. I don't know how we got out to the river.

This is like a writing jump cut. She's like the ghost from Ant-Man and the Wasp. She's just gone through the trunk out into the river with potted plants. She's very strong. She is. We don't have enough strong women as role models in this world.

I love her and I respect her and I want to be like her. Thank you. She's the next Ruth Bader Ginsburg. We've said that on this stage. Those meth muscles, or methels, as I like to call them, are very helpful in these situations. With cuts to her legs and hand,

Landis was climbing upstream. That's the story of her life. Kimberly Landis climbing upstream. From birth. Oh my god. She is like a salmon on meth. How you doing? I'm Kim Landis.

I came out the canal and up the stream my whole life. Landis was climbing upstream just after. I'd like to ask you guys, what time of day do you think this is all happening? Okay, for me, the whole time I've been picturing like a 2 p.m. You are a guest. You can go first, third, fourth, wherever you want. All right. I'm sticking with that.

Patton's first episode is when we created that 6 p.m. is the 3 a.m. of day drinking. But 9 a.m. is the midnight of meth.

I'm picking 9 a.m. because I think she's been up all night. The day is starting. That's where the toaster comes in. The smell of bread was pissing her off. It's all logical now. 9 a.m.,

2 p.m. Joey, what do you think? I had 9 a.m. You can double it up. It's not alcohol. It's meth. 9 a.m. I had 9 a.m.? You can double it up. It's not alcohol. No, it's not alcohol. It's meth. Yeah. 9 a.m.

And I don't know anything about meth, but it seems like 9 a.m. would be a bad time. That's the witching hour. Yeah. It's very hard

to put a meth kid to sleep at 9 a.m. They call it the witching hour. Light out. Don't let them run themselves tired. No matter how many

stories you read, another one, And then what? We already did this one. Goldilocks again? I'm gonna say 3 p.m. Okay, solid. I think this is like

6.30. In the evening or a.m.? P.m. I love that you didn't know until you were asked. I was like, it could be either. I just thought I'd throw out a time and let you guys know. Are there two townies out there who would like to make a guess? Put your hand up if you'd like. We'll take your guess.

Anybody at all? I love, Largo's so polite. 201. What is this? Price is right? 201. Who said 201? Who said 201?

Own it. What's your name? Josh. Josh, welcome to town. P.M. or a.m.? 201. P.M. All right, 201. Would you say P.M. or a.m.? P.M. P.M.? Okay. 201. Own it. What's your name? Josh, welcome to town. PM or AM? 201. Would you say PM or AM? PM. 201.

630 AM, 9 AM, 9 AM. 2 PM. 201. Not a fan. Not a fan of that. Okay, ready? And I said 3 PM. Okay. With cuts to her legs and hands, Land was climbing upstream

just after 12.15 p.m. Oh! Wow! Wait! Did I win? I think you won. I love you now!

You took yourself out of the game. You bossed yourself out. I just love that there's people in Williams Estates or Township, whatever it is, that are like,

you know what? I like to go home for my lunch. It's calmer. Yes. I don't I step out of the insanity of the office

well the guy who was just stepping out of the bathroom we know why he went home he can't shit at the office so he's like I gotta go home to do it

oh my god look who's in my kitchen she was climbing upstream which I love that too not swimming climbing climbing

climbing climbing through water. Climbing Upstream is the best Angela Bassett movie that's never been made. It's like her falling in love with a really hot 90-year-old black guy. You know what I mean? Or a tall man.

Climbing Upstream. His name is Stream. Stream Willis. Climbing Upstream His name is Stream. Stream Willis. Climbing upstream just after 12.15 p.m. north of the home when the responding trooper first saw her, court papers say. She tried to escape into nearby woods as the trooper

ordered her to sit. Not stop. Sit. Like a dog. Hey, sit. Sit. And it worked. No, walkies. Drop it. Drop it. Drop it. Drop the toaster.

Drop it. Drop it. Who's a good lander? Drop it. Who's a good lander? She became, quote, incoherent and combative. Became. Became.

Yeah. Because she wasn't combative before at all. She was doing great and so coherent. She then began pulling away from the trooper and trying to scratch and reach for his groin area. Police said, We doing this or not?

Okay, I'm sitting, bitch. I've been climbing upstream waiting for you. You're the worst stripper I ever hired. Get those pants off. She thought it was that. That's her talking to the cops? Yes, 100%. She thought the residents had hired a stripper for her

to calm her down. Thought these were breakaway. You hearing that music? Pour some sugar on me. Other troopers arrived. Oh, you're all here. pour some sugar on me. Other troopers arrived. Oh, you're all here. And detained Kimber, police said.

That is one of the backup calls where someone's on the thing like, who's in the area? You gotta see this. Where was I? She was taken to Easton Hospital for treatment. All those cuts. Had yet to be arraigned on charges of aggravated assault, simple assault, burglary,

criminal trespass, theft, resisting arrest, and criminal mischief. My favorite charge. It sounds like you painted a fence the wrong way. Or like you stole someone's board games. Exactly. Or like you spanked an elf. This meth addict just dipped a girl's

pigtails in his inkwell, so we've got to arrest him. Send out the SWAT team for him. It's criminal mischief. He just put a frog down Becky Lou White's back. It does sound like it's right out of a Mark Twain note. Kimberly Landis, it should be noticed that Kimberly Landis is still on probation from a December 2014 incident where she crashed a van into a pickup truck on Route 33 near the ramp from Route 22.

No one cares. Yeah. Wait, read it one more time because I'm going to do what the person, the editor said to the person when she left it out. It should be noted that Kimberly Landis is still on probation from a December 2014 incident where she crashed a van into a pickup truck on Route 33. Hold on. What ramp is it near? They don't...

No one's going to know what it meant if they... Near the ramp from Route 22. Okay. Thank you. That's a dangerous, busy area. This is journalism. Yes. East in Bethlehem Township. Then she stole a vehicle from a person who stopped to help her. Okay.

Wow. This is the nicest town on earth. They really are. Oh, my God. And it might be my favorite Coen Brothers movie. Yeah. Okay. Let me help you, ma'am.

Okay. Fuck you. This thing's dick? Better be. It is now. As a man who has two daughters, I kind of think there's a lesson here. She does not stop when she's confronted

with one negative thing. Keep going. Keep climbing up that stream. Keep climbing up. Isn't that a Kate Bush song? Yes. Climbing up that stream. Running.

So that's where she stole a vehicle from a person who stopped to help her record show. She then drove down Route 22 West to Route 199. Who cares? Where she exited and crashed into several more vehicles before trying to steal another vehicle. This woman has ingenuity. That girl is on fire. Where is she going? I don't know, but you know what?

Straight to hell! This is your next James Bond right here. Exactly. Fuck Daniel Craig. This woman has it. She's got it. 007 AM. Two men at Sklar Brothers with a thumbs up.

Two men stopped her and she was soon in police custody. Just say she gave up. No one stopped her. Did she try to steal one of the men? And drive him away? Yes, she did. She has a good job of driving every man away in her life.

We don't know that. We don't. I'm going to ask you guys. We'll get out of here in this. How old is Kimberly Landis? Wow. Great question. She's got a lot of energy.

Can I ask one more question, which will really help me determine this? What ramp was it near again? Can you tell me? It was, Jesus, Route 33 near the ramp. All right 32 That piece of information Is more important than you guys know Let's figure it out Joey, Lauren, Patton

Do it off mic Patton is so far off mic He's so far off mic Oh my god Patton is so far off mic He just recorded a Fleet Foxes album. That's a joke that Largo appreciates more than anywhere else. Holy Jesus.

All right. You know what? Because of the... And I'm taking into account that meth gives you... Meth does give you superhuman energy. So logically, this could be a septuagenarian.

But the stamina, the going and the going, and also the earlier stuff with all the crashing and the truck stuff. I'm going to say 23. 23 years old. Sweet. Joey or Lauren? Still in the truck. I'm going to say 23. 23 years old. Joey or Lauren? Still in graduate school.

Working on her dissertation. Got a little stressed out. I get it. I'm going to say she's 28, but she looks 49. Very good. Nice caveat. Joey, what do you think?

I think she's my age okay which is I identify with her okay how old are you 37

37 okay I thought that was when we found out you're 18 she's my age 18 Jason

I was in the same age as Lauren I feel like her Saturn is returning so I'm gonna say 26 okay Randy. I'm going to say 26. Okay. Randy's fine. I think she's 33.

I don't want to get biblical, but she's 33. She's 33? Okay. She's doing this for all of our sins. Alright. One of you is exactly right. So now we get to play the game within the game. Who do you think is exactly right?

Okay. We will start to my right. Randy Sklar. I think I'm exactly right. 33. Okay. Patton? God, I was so happy with my answer,

but the way that Lauren phrased it, I think Lauren is exactly right. Okay, so 28. Okay. What did you say again? I said 26. 28, 26, 23. 33.

I'm going to believe in myself. Good for you, just like this woman. Just like Kimberly Landis. And you keep going. Even if you're wrong. I'm persevering. I'll stay with 37. Okay, a lot of confidence.

Yeah, I'm going to believe in myself, because every time I don't believe in myself in this game, I'm wrong. I will be wrong right now. Does anybody want to guess who they think is exactly right? Anyone out there? Did I see a hand in the back? It's okay. We're friendly.

Right here, gentlemen. Randy, what's your name, buddy? Spencer, welcome. Spencer thinks Randy. Anybody else? Oh, yeah. All right. Ready?

Kimberly Landis. The woman who knows how to tend to a wound. Throws toasters and potted plants out windows. Her life is upstream. Fights into other homes. Tries to lock herself in trunks. Has been climbing upstream her whole goddamn life.

Crashes van. Steals another car. Will go for the groin. We'll get out of here on this. Kimberly Landis is 37 years old. Holy shit! Joey Ryan! Joey Ryan!

I'm honestly so surprised. I love how... I gotta say, she looks good. She looks good. Good job. He got it right and he called his shot. She's like, now what in that picture? So I live here now?

That's the face expression of, did you take it? I don't got all day. Actually, you got about the next three to five years. The guy took the picture and she tried to take his camera. If you zoom out, there's an elderly mother that's so happy she came to Christmas. All right, there you go. First story, now in the books. First story.

I love you guys. All right, we'll take a break. We'll be back with more Dumb People Town right after this. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town right after this. Stick around, make a sound, there's more Dumb People Town. Alright, and not just because he won the age game, but we've got him here. And I think I want to hear another Joey Ryan song. What do you guys think? How about it?

Beautiful. Alright, I'll hold this if you need it. Okay, let's see. Let's see. All right, I'll hold this if you need it. Okay, let's see. I'll do one. This show is all about the news. I'll hold this if you want.

I have a song about the news lately. Everybody on this stage, myself included, I imagine is pretty down on the state of things. But it's not all bad news. Not all the time. At least not for everybody. So this is kind of a political song that tries to focus on what's going right in the world. At least for certain people. I think I'll do it.

It's a good day to be alive. Palm trees swaying on the hillside. Government's rounding up all the bad guys. It's a good day to be alive. It's a good day to be alive. It's a good day to be a man.

My dick pills are covered in my health plan. Leave the back alley girls with hangers in their hands. It's a good day to be a man. The sun is shining bright today. The future's looking up. I heard Lady Liberty say, my work here is done. It's a good day to be rich.

Ten million dollar refund from the IRS. Send one to my senator, nine to my kids. It's a good day to be rich oh the sun is shining bright today now we're having fun i saw lady liberty kick off her shoes and start to run it's a good day to be alive. Palm trees swaying on the hillside. And I can't wait for the 4th of July. It's a good day to be alive. I can't wait for the 4th of July. It's a good day to be alive.

And white Yeah! Jerry Ryan. That was great. So true. All right. Welcome back. Welcome back to the show.

Our guests, of course, Patton Oswalt and Lauren Lapkus. You guys, first of all, what's going on with both you guys? Patton, I kind of wish you were on a show right now. So do I. What's happening? I'm just doing a lot of stand-up right now. I'm doing a special in September. All right.

I'm doing a special in September. All right. Where are you going to record that? I'll record it in Charlotte, North Carolina. Nice. Here's my favorite thing about, you had recorded a special a while ago and you just recorded it and I asked you, so are you going to get up and do a bunch of stand-up? You're like, no. I'm going to go live my life for the next six months.

I need to write new material and I thought that was a brilliant way to approach it. Yeah. I need to just go and just, I need to go take the garbage out, do dishes, hang out with friends and have experiences. That's right. So you can write your new, we always said that the new hour, the first few minutes after you finish an hour is like a really bad haircut.

And you're like, I will like this. People are watching this. God, wait a minute. is like a really bad haircut. And you're like, I will like this in two weeks. I can't believe people are watching this. God, wait a minute. And the minute you get done recording a Santa special, all you immediately start thinking of is, oh, you know what? It's a better tag.

Like, you think of all the other ways you could tweak and change all your bits. Always, always. Did you? Yeah. And also the thing, and you probably experienced this too, Lauren, when you do something creative and then you have to go promote it,

promoting the creative thing is the least creative thing you can do. And you actually feel like your creativity is leaking away. Like, I need to not talk about being creative and go, you know what I mean? No, totally. I think it's much harder to talk about it than to just do it. So let's talk about it some more.

Let's just get into what you've done. That said, I want to promote a few things. I was just home in Rochelle in Chicago, Illinois, and did I see you're going to be at the Den? I'll be at the Den, yeah. When is that? That's in August 15th and 16th. I think that's a good idea. That's a really fun room.

Go see him. Go see him there. And Lauren, how are you doing? I'm good. You're so good in Crashing. Oh, thank you. And so good in Orange is the New Black. Thank you. I'm back in the seventh season. Whoa. Oh, nice. It comes out on Friday.

That's amazing. And I'm going to be in the Between Two Ferns movie on Netflix in September. Oh, yes. Which I'm really excited about. All great stuff. It's really funny, and I can't wait for you to see it. And I'm going on tour with Comedy Bang Bang in August and September into a bunch of cities around the country.

So you'll pop on the show as different characters throughout the show? Yeah, we're just doing different characters every city. I love it. Are you doing cities in America? Yeah, yeah. I think we're doing a lot of East Coast stuff. I actually can't remember, so Google it. Yeah, Google it.

Google it, guys. Why don't you swim up the screen? But not on Dan's computer because it won't work. Also, not my computer. Oh, wow. All right. Okay, not my computer. Oh, wow. Okay, not my problem. And one last question. Milk Carton Kids, when's your next show?

Do you guys have another show at Largo? What's happening? We do a show here like Milk Carton Kids and Friends. It's called Sad Songs Comedy Hour. Which we've done and it's amazing. Which we did, which is so good. It's like hilarious comedy and then the saddest, most beautiful song ever followed by hilarious comedy.

Right, if we get the right comedians. Yes. Wow. Was that directed at us? Do you want to talk to us about something? Is there something?

Just like you guys, if we get the right comedians like you. Thank you. That's what I meant, obviously. Thank you. Jason and Randy,

you're going to be in Chicago. Tell everybody. Go ahead, Jay. We're going to be at Tinley Park at the convention center it is a gigantic venue like a thousand seats I'm expecting 40 people to be there so come on

Chicago comes out brother come on 30 so that's on September 27th you go to supersklarz.com yeah we don't own sklarbrothers.com. Yeah.

Who does? I do. I own it. Dan owned it and he's fucking us. You'll redirect to danielbankert.com. And people can come see me

on the 10th. I'll be in Santa Cruz doing a recording for my upcoming album. And then I'll be here in LA at UCB. This is the first time announcing it. I'll be running my hour at the UCB

Franklin Theater on Thursday, August 29th. Go see that. Daniel Van Kirk, if you want to come see me do an hour of stand-up. Shall we, gentlemen, do another story? Let's do it. This was sent in by Alvin Cadabay at ACadabay36.

Don't you love when the Cadabay eggs come out every Easter? It's my favorite thing. Cadabay at akatabay36. Don't you love when the Katabay eggs come out every Easter? It's my favorite thing. Katabay eggs. Katabay eggs. You open it up and there's just a man sending stories to us on the inside. Gresham Morgan. A man and his cat. Gresham Morgan is the town?

I believe so. Okay, fine. What else would it be? I don't know. It's from a John Gresham novel. Yeah. Gresham, Oregon. A man and his cat made themselves

right at home during a burglary over the weekend, according to the police in Oregon. Who I guess may be lying about it. I know the shit that is going to come my way. He is a cat burglar. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I know the shit that is going to come my way. He is a cat burglar. Is that it?

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. So when they say a man and his cat, they're saying a single man and his cat. I love a new story that opens like, it sounds like it's going to be a children's nursery rhyme. Men and cats go mad and the cat made themselves at home. Then the meth woman came through a toaster

after the man spent most of his life alone. The man had a hard time looking people in the eye. He liked to put makeup on the cat and dress it up. Wait, what? He didn't like to show up for work on time. Investigators said Ryan Douglas Bishop. Nope. And a cat named Spaghetti.

Shut up! I know. Guys, I know. Oh my God. I know. I got this far into the story and just said, yep. I love really dumb pet names, but then I think about the fact that

you have to say it so much. I guarantee you end up going Getty. Getty. And by the way, and cats that don't listen to you. A cat will not listen to you. So for hours, he's like, Spaghetti. Spaghetti.

Spaghetti. Spaghetti. Spaghetti. Spaghetti. Spaghetti. Meanwhile, his downstairs apartment neighbor is like, there's something wrong with that cat. Eat it. Spaghetti. Meanwhile, his downstairs apartment neighbor is like, there's something wrong with that. Eat it. Eat it.

If you want it, eat it. It's not going to come to you. David, he's making fun of you and your Italian heritage. Spaghetti. Ryan Douglas Bishop. The most formal sounding name. And a cat named Spaghetti. Spaghetti Bishop?

This is what I love too. Cat named Spaghetti is my favorite boss. That one, I think it won two Grammys. It did. Nominated for four. They used all the studio musicians that Steely Dan threw away. Investigators said Ryan Douglas Bishop and a cat.

I keep rereading this because the full sentence is where they attribute. I haven't even realized we haven't gotten past. No, we're on the third sentence of this story. Investigators said Ryan Douglas Bishop and a cat named Spaghetti broke into a house. Not the man. Not the man. The man and a cat named Spaghetti broke into a house. Not the man. The man and the cat. The cat did not break into a house. The hell he didn't.

It was his idea. He's been telling me to do that for a month. He hates these people. I can't argue with him, man. Come on. He's like stepson of Sam. Cats do what they want. I'm just along for the ride. You try and tell them no.

They'll disable the window alarms. Meow. By the way. Ryan, come on. Come on. Don't be a dick, Ryan. We're breaking into this house today. Ryan, you're going to puss out on me?

Man up at Daniel Van Kirk. I didn't even think that works. It was. They broke into a house in Gresham on Sunday afternoon. Jesus. So bold. I know.

Bishop apparently got quite comfortable during the burglary as police say he made coffee, ate some food, and ate some food. Quote, the cupcakes were in the fridge. He ate just two of them and the bottom of another one, said the homeowner. Well, the bottom? First of all. Were they offended he only ate two? He ate just two of them and the bottom of them.

They're delicious cupcakes. No, no, no. Why would he eat all of them? To me, just to eat the bottom of a cupcake makes you a serial killer. Also, my kids buy cupcakes and just lick the top off and throw them out the window of my car. No one has ever eaten the bottom of a cupcake. This is what this is. This is a guy dealing with his weight, trying

to rationalize. Oh, there you go. I ate two and like a little bit of another one. Don't look at me like that. I'm at 38 points for today. That's him talking to spaghetti? Yes. I've got the points, Getty. Getty, I've got the points. And you know spaghetti was giving him a side island.

Oh, for sure. This is what we're doing? My fucking cheat day. This is who we are now? Fine, I'll eat the bottom. Ryan, this is who we are now? He is the type of guy that sleeps in just a shirt. Like, no pants, no underpants.

We literally could have been cat burglars, and now we're the fucking cupcake bandits. That's a quote from Timothy Smith, the homeowner. And I'll read it again. The cupcakes were in the fridge. He ate two and just the bottom of one. Continuing to make himself at home, Bishop drank some beer.

By the way, the cupcakes are in the fridge, which to me is as dumb of a detail as ramp 30. Who gives a fuck where the cupcakes are in the fridge to me is as dumb of a detail as ramp 30. Yeah, yeah. Who gives a fuck where the cupcakes are? Also, who puts cupcakes in a refrigerator? You're the one who's wrong. That's a bread product. It's not going to go bad.

You can put it on the counter. I also feel like, is that the most important detail that he started with? Well, where were the cupcakes? In the fridge. Okay, now we know what we're working with here. Where were the cupcakes? In the fridge. Okay, now we know what we're working with here.

Bishop also drank some beer, played video games, and raided the clothes dryer for a new outfit. He's not a burglar. He's not a burglar. He's not. He's an Airbnb asshole. He lives there. Yes. I gave it two stars. Who puts the cupcakes in the fridge?

The clothes weren't even warm anymore. He also allegedly kicked holes in the wall and tore a mirror off the bathroom wall. Okay. This is a child who was kicked out of the home and came back and was being a brat. Exactly. He was being a 30-year-old man child, but yeah.

Also, spaghetti might have kicked on us. I mean, he's covering for the cast. Why are we completely absolving spaghetti? Right, right. We don't know. Quote, it seemed like he was looking for money in the walls, Timothy Smith said. What an assumption.

I know. He was looking for money in the walls? That's what the homeowner said. This guy's like, I've watched a lot of Agatha Christie. I know what's up, bro. That kick right there. He thought it was money. You don't put a hole in the wall three feet up if you're not looking for money.

Exactly. It's the weirdest. I think the homeowner is more insane than the owner. Maybe he tore the mirror off the wall because he didn't like how the clothes that he tried on from the dryer looked. Maybe he was starting with the man in the mirror. Thank you. Don't quote Michael Jackson. Ever again.

He didn't write it. Quincy did. When the residents returned to the house, they noticed the moment they pulled in the driveway that something wasn't right. This is a quote, we saw a bunch of stuff on the car. A bottle of cider, a bunch of ceremonial knives, and a MacBook Pro. Ceremonial?

Ceremonial! They're laying a lot of shit on this that isn't right there. I would also say, I am way more freaked out by this. Who has, what ceremonies are they doing in the goddamn house? Also, if you're the victim,

I'm worried now about you. Why do you know what a ceremonial knife is? Honey, put the money in the wall. We gotta sacrifice this baby now. He had all of our hitchhiker stabbing knives right out there on the car. What the fuck is

wrong with people? Were they next to the circumcision knives? Tell me. Full quote. A bottle of cider, a bunch of ceremonial knives, which is what, at least seven? That's how you know it's a ceremony. I would call that a flato of knives. A flato of knives.

Bringing it back. A bunch of ceremonial knives and a MacBook Pro. And we were like, that's weird. Is it not theirs? I don't know. I'm so confused.

I have no idea. What's weird is that you put cupcakes in the fridge, you fucking weirdo. You're a psycho. I'm sorry. I gotta go back to that. That takes away

everything good about a cupcake. Right? They're not moist anymore. Thank you. They're gonna be hard back to that. That takes away everything good about a cupcake. Right? They're not moist anymore. Thank you. They're going to be hard. Thank you. That's when they decided to go inside. I'm going to tell you guys something.

If you see... If you pull up to your house and there are ceremonial knives outside... And a MacBook Pro. And you go in there, you allow whatever demons attack you. Exactly. You've walked into that exorcism willingly. Yeah, you're not a MacBook Pro. That's when we decided to go inside.

Once in the home, they noticed the things were out of place. By the way, they just came home. Yes. And they, I guess, were going to decide not to go inside their house that they had just returned to. So they needed to see all this stuff on the car before they're like, yeah, let's go home. That's when they decided to go inside. Once in the home, they noticed that the things were out of place,

and they also heard noises from a crawlspace beneath the house. No. When they opened the crawlspace door... Why are you doing that? You are literally walking into every horror movie. These people are Amish and have never seen a horror film. Why don't you just find a dusty Latin book and read it out loud?

What does this old video game do? Never watch. Honey, get the VCR. Did you hear that sound in the tool shed that's very dark? They heard noises from the crawl space beneath the house. When they opened the crawl space door, Spaghetti came out wearing a dog's green V-neck sweater. That's so fucking insane.

This is a picture of Spaghetti. Stunning. Spaghetti. Spaghetti is absolutely gorgeous. Look at Spaghetti. Spaghetti is absolutely gorgeous. Look at spaghetti. That name is not good enough. Maybe spaghetti is transitioning into a dog. We don't know. Spaghetti came out wearing a sweater.

As if spaghetti had put it on while in the crawl. 100%. Yes. I love that. Does he feel drafty down here? Ooh, a sweater. Just my thought. She walked out in a sweater. And someone was like, that's a a cat. That's a dog sweater.

What the fuck is going on? Well, here's how much. Look at you walking out like you just won the Masters. I really think the Bishop guy is hilarious. He put the sweater on the cat. I know. Are we sure this isn't like a James Adomian character? This is how much I care about you guys.

Go ahead. I said that sounds like a euphemism, putting the sweater on the cat. Guys, we're just going to put the sweater on the cat in this one and finish it off. Do it quickly. I dug so deep into this story for all of you and the listeners at home. All these pictures will be up on the Dumb People Town Facebook page and the Instagram at Dumb People Town. Town Facebook page and the Instagram at dumb people town that I went and found the reddit thread

that the woman who lives in this house started so that I could find you guys a picture of her dog sweater that spaghetti tried to steal and when you picture the dog alone wearing this fucking sweater vest

is enough but when you picture that you open a crawl space door and spaghetti comes swaying her ass out of that crawlspace. Here we go. You made spaghetti a girl. Dan, I love that you did this, but was there a moment when you were doing this on whatever day you were doing it, you're like,

I could have been talking to a relative. 100%. 100%. Here we go. Are you ready? Now we've had a green cake before That was horrific This is up there, just in terms of joy Green dog sweater I cannot wait

Okay, so it's like a fleece vest Look at this Spaghetti owned that shit Picture spaghetti When that dog is in that sweater Spaghetti owned that shit. Picture spaghetti. When that dog is in a sweater, it's pride week. It really is.

I love that the dog was like, no crew necks. No. Please. Only V-necks. Sleeveless in Seattle. By the way, if you saw a person wearing a sleeveless V-neck sweater,

you'd be like, let's get the fuck away from this person. By the way, the cat looks like it could take the dog. Like in a one-on-one fight. Look at that. Spaghetti is all over us. I love spaghetti. I love spaghetti so much. Spaghetti walked out and was like, what?

What do you want? Okay. Get that sweater off that dog. He doesn't deserve it. This sweater will give me joy in some very dark times in my life. Okay. The clothed cat made Smith believe that, quote, something or someone much larger than the cat was also in the crawl space.

Quote, this is the quote in the crawl space. Quote. This is the quote from the homeowner. Why something? I don't think. Not a person. Something put that on there. The nothing. The nothing's down there.

Well, you know how you've heard of the canary in the coal mine. This is the cat in the crawl space. Yes. Just letting you know. It's a harbinger of bigger things. When a green-sweatered cat comes out of a crawlspace, something much worse is behind it. I think something bigger's in there. This is a quote from the homeowner,

Timothy Smith, after he saw a spaghetti come prancing her ass out of there. Quote, no one is going to put a shirt on a cat and leave it in a crawlspace in a random house. Someone else is down here. What a detective. That is detective shit right there. Not to What a detective. Wow. That is detective shit

right there. That is some fucking Not to mention the ceremonial knives. I mean like Everybody gather in the living room. We will start

by saying no one puts a sweater on a cat and just leaves it in the house. And we proceed from this supposition.

The little grey cells tell me somebody put the sweater on the cat. But how can you be so sure? I mean, how many ceremonial knives were on top of the cart? Seven. Seven? Yeah.

He's the Columbo. It's on. One more question. It was a cat. Okay. That was a joke from my grandma. Is that a ceremonial thing? So Timothy, remember from his point of view,

his house is disarrayed, knives are in the front yard, and he has now decided, I'm going to go into the crawl space and see what's down there. My daughter is going to camp. I thought I had a big duffel bag. I went into the area down by my house.

I went in, got one spider web on me. I was like, fuck it, I'm going to the Army Navy store. I'll buy a new one. And no cat came out in a green sweater. I was like, I'm not going in there. Everything that's in there will be in there forever. Moments later,

Timothy Smith came running out of his house screaming, quote, stop, someone is in the house 100%. Not 50. 100, underline, underline, read 100. He said what he said, and he meant what he meant.

Someone's in the house 100%. This is the end of that poem? Patton, write this book. Exactly. When officers arrived, Ryan Douglas Bishop emerged from the crawl space. The woman who lives in the home pointed out that at this moment,

he was wearing her favorite, quote, Christmas onesie pajamas. Her favorite. Her favorite. So there are others that she doesn't like as much. Which one should I wear this year? It's in my top eight, guys. That's so creepy.

He puts a sweater on spaghetti and Christmas onesies on himself. And he got in a crawl space. This stuff had to be worn by other people and animals. Quote, indeed he was. The Gresham Police Department

told KPTV, the eagle, I don't know. She, the woman, requested that the onesie not be returned. I read the police go,

now what's the bigger thing that put the onesie on the man that's down there? When is that gonna to come out? This is like an episode of Stranger Things. It's like there's something bigger in there. There's going to be, the team of Gorgon is down there, and he's dressing animals and people.

This is the beginning of season four. I think the writers just gave up, but we'll see what happens. Ryan Douglas Bishop said, the only thing bigger than me down there is my mistakes. I made that up. Dan made that up. I was like, wait.

Dan, that's a great one. I knew you made that up, Dan. Homeowner. He didn't say that. No, no, no. I thought, wait, is Chris Christopherson writing this news story? Or is it God?

Well, listen. Homeowner Timothy Smith, who's 24, incidentally, said he and his Homeowner? Where do they live? I know. Gresham. Gresham Morgan. Said he and his fiance spent the last year looking for a house, and they finally closed on this one.

Quote, we needed it because we're getting married in October, he told CBS. You didn't need it. K-O-I-N, the demon. But someone, but quote, someone came in and ruined the sanctity of my home or made it a fucking party pack. Oh my God. Before I even moved in.

Can I say also, this is my all-time favorite episode of House Hunters. Oh my God. I'm really stuck on him saying we needed it because we're getting married. That's just annoying. You don't need it to get married. We needed it.

That dog needed that v-neck. I told her, if we don't get a house with a crawlspace, I'm not marrying you. Okay? You know, they didn't say. They only talked about the onesie, but they better have let Spaghetti keep that sweater vest. Oh, yeah. No, that dog wanted it back.

Bishop was booked on charges of burglary, criminal mischief, and theft. Criminal mischief. Smith said police... That's the onesie. Smith said... Who do you think... It's a Christmas onesie. What is it? For somebody I picture a lot of...

They should have had a walk-off to determine who gets the onesie. Who wore it better? You just have to crawl out of the crawl space hotter. It's in Us Weekly. Both pictures of them side by side. Who wore it better? Anna Faris? Come on.

Bishop was booked on all that stuff. They also found drug paraphernalia at the scene No Shocker It belonged to Timothy They needed it for the marriage I needed it Along with the ceremony

I need a house and my ceremonial knives Or I don't get married Three gallons of cider And a MacBook Pro That I keep in the garage Yeah, okay And I need to put the cupcakes in the fridge Knives and cider

I'm a fucking pagan prospector for some reason. I have a big old thing of shattered ceremonial knives. I'm going to kill the moon child and start a new

dark millennium. Like, Knives Insider is like Axl Rose's side project. You know what I mean? A lot of canceled dates. Yeah? A lot of cancelled dates. A lot of cancelled dates. We bought tickets.

TBD. Wouldn't that be great if Axl Rose had a band called TBD? And you never knew. It's so hard to read the website. I don't know if they're playing or not. Should we go to Temecula read the website. I don't know if they're playing or not. Should we go to Temecula to see them?

I don't... Animal Control was called out to deal with a uncooperative spaghetti. Just a normal cat. What cat has ever been cooperative ever? Just a cat.

We need help with an uncooperative spaghetti. They hang up on you three times. You'll figure it out. Guys, I'm telling you, you just ignore her and then she'll cooperate with you, but you keep wanting her attention. I know. But Timothy Smith's fiance doesn't think that it belongs to Bishop. Quote, I know this is not his cat, she said.

It's too well-groomed, too well-fed. It looks fine. I love that that's her way to get back at him, to claim that there's no way this guy could have a well-groomed cat. I know, I know. I saw what he did in that onesie into that fucking cupcake. He does not know how to take care of a cat. He's an animal, and you can't be an animal and have a cat.

By the way, cat, easiest thing to ever take care of. They do it themselves. They shit in their own box. They handle their own lives. Of course he could have a cat. But it all ended well when Bishop's grandmother came to pick up spaghetti. So it is a happy ending. So it really is their family's cat. Yes.

Grandmother or the woman that took care of him because his parents would. We will get out of here on this. This is a Law & Order episode where the gung-gung is meow-meow. What do we say, Rand? It is the most fun thing to meow along

to your favorite songs ever. It is. Greatest song to meow to is Under the Bridge Downtown. Oh, my God. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. We're going to get sued.

We're not going to get sued. Because it's fun to like meow a song about like being addicted to heroin in Los Angeles. Fair enough. I will ask you, how old is Ryan Douglas Bishop? I thought you were going to say spaghetti. How old is Ryan Douglas Bishop In cat years Is cat years a thing I know dog years

Is there a thing like a cat that's 14 Is actually like A thousand No but I bet it's like a weird decimal thing Like a cat that's 14 is really 22 I bet it's probably like Four to five instead of seven Because cats can live longer than dogs

So a cat that's 20 is 80. What if the cat, what if Spaghetti was like the cat from the first Men in Black and he had a universe around his neck just outside of that green? Then he was in control of that whole situation. All right, who would like to go? Joey. Joey, Lauren, Pat.

And we know that now that Spaghetti was not his. No, Spaghetti was a family. So I think that makes him younger. I was thinking he was old enough to be taking care of a cat. Well, it's the grandma. I think he's 26. 26 years old. I think he's 19.

I'm going to say 30. What do we know about him? Cider, ceremonial knives, cupcakes, video games, beer, Christmas onesie. See, I was going to say 19 as well. I'm going to also say, I think 19. 19. Okay, I want to change mine.

Do it. 22. 22. I think he's 25. 25 years old? Okay. So he could rent a car. If he and Spaghetti had to go on a trip.

They could. He could rent a car from Hertz. He could rent a car. If he and Spaghetti had to go on a trip, they could. He could rent a car from Hertz. Probably doesn't. I'm guessing everything's on debit. Yeah. Just don't want that bill coming at the end of the month. We will finish up our stories, and I believe this show, with this.

Get your answers in townies, wherever you may be. Thank you to everybody who played along with this as well. And we'll finish with a joint answer. 100%. Ryan. Douglas. Bishop. You know what? To me, he's one of the property brothers. He is.

He's like the rental property brother. He is. In's like the rental property. He is in the crawl space and 38 years old. Oh my god! Oh my god!

He looks like Tom York on acid. Oh my god. He looks like alternate universe Don Henley. He looks like dark universe Don Henley. He looks like dark universe Don Henley. He's like, wait, wait, wait, wait. Let me tuck my hair behind my ears. It's honestly so much scarier that he's 38.

If the Eagles had never made it, that would be Don Henley. He looks like he knows how to run a carnival. I would say that this is the end of his innocence. Wow. Wow. Wow, so good. Beautiful, force-facious guys. But he also looks like a cat guy. Yeah, for sure.

He looks like a guy that's tried the catnip. It works for them. You feeling it? I think it's going to kick in, man. Oh, my God. Those are our stories, my friends. 30 years ago. him. You feeling it? I think it's going to kick in, man. Those are our stories, my friends. How about it, you guys? How about it? I love it.

All right, let's do one more song and then we'll say goodbye. Joey, what do you got for us? Well, they're all sad, but... Great. We'll take a sad one. Okay. The saddest one that's actually sad or a sad one that's actually a love song? Or a...

You pick. Love. A love one or a... Like a spiritually sad one or a sociopolitically sad one. Sociopolitically sad. It feels like the vibe that you've been on. Yeah, you've been on that track.

Let's do that. Sociopolitically sad. Do you have anything about a cat in a dog sweater? And a crawl space? By tomorrow. By tomorrow, there will be a new Milk Carton Kids song about a crawl space. Cat in a dog sweater, I would listen to that song. That's like a German experimental band.

Or like, that is the new cat in a dog sweater. Two bits. Spaghetti in the crawl space, I know, I know it's serious. No? No? That was a Morrissey. That was a Morrissey. I can't believe that song is so anti-immigration.

That's so weird. Also, Tom York on acid just looks like Tom York. Thank you. I know acid was the wrong drug choice, but I couldn't go back. I liked it. I liked it. Fell asleep with the TV on. I liked it. Caught you up to say hello Left a message for you at home Packed my dishes and styrofoam Everything I knew was gone It's raining in Ohio

The streets are slick It shows what I know I hear their cries Through my window They're mourning again In America Morning again In America Tied my shoes when I woke up

Drew my curtains just enough Thoughtin' bout the ones I love Tuck my chin into my coat Shrug my shoulders cleared my throat Walking banks of the Ohio

Felt a chill to the bone It's raining in Ohio The streets are slick It shows what I know I hear their cries through my window They're mourning again in America Mourning again in America

Mourning again in America again He's Joey Ryan Lauren Lapkus Damn, Van Kirk. We're the scar brothers. Thank you Largo. it. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Stick around.

Make a sound. Calm your down. It's Dumb People Town. Starbanes Audio. A podcast network.