Dumb People Town - Lauren Lapkus - Thinking Outside the Bun

Episode Date: November 7, 2017

This week, actor/improviser/writer/podcasting mover-and-shaker Lauren Lapkus (Orange is the New Black, With Special Guest Lauren Lapkus) joins the Sklars and Daniel Van Kirk in Dumb People Town! The group discusses Lauren's recent trip to Vegas before ...

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast Dan with co-host Armand Dan Don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits the funny hits So listen to our podcast brand with co-host Armand Dan. Man, don't be a jerk. That's when the music hits the funny hits. We are gonna take you down. Stick around.

Make a sound. On your downies. Dumb People Town. Hey, townies. Welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population, you. We got a good one today. One of our favorite people to mess around with and just goof off with.

She is phenomenal in everything she does, but she's actually phenomenal in the podcast medium. Yes. I'm so happy to have her here. Lauren Lapkus. Hi. Hi. Hi. We were actually all in Montreal doing, I think you guys were doing a Slurbro Country at the time when you were doing New Faces.

Oh, wow. And I went and watched your New Faces. And what's the girl's name, the stripper? Bamanda. Yeah. And she's also in your characters episode. And she's in my character special on Netflix, The Characters. Congrats on that.

Thanks. She strips to Brick by Ben Folds 5. It's really dark. It's a song about an abortion. Yeah, it's dark. And all the feelings that come along with that. Yeah. Jesus. I can't.

That's the only stripper to walk the room. Yeah. You know, like no stripper ever really walks a room because guys are there. They're like, I paid my admission. I'm here. Is it an admission? Admission.

Cover. I paid my cover. I went to a strip club a couple weeks ago with what some friends what bachelor party oh it was fine it was in las vegas and it was um yeah it was right before the tragedy oh my god we were saying one floor above where the shooting happened the following day. Shut up. Yeah, it was really crazy to look back and think about that. So you were there. I mean, the strip clubs are pretty, they're pretty amped up. Well, there was a whole,

like, we got tricked, basically. We were like, all right. Wait, Ed, I know exactly where this is going. Do you? What do you guys do tonight? I get you free ride,

free cover, free drink. Yes! Okay, so funny. So I'm with, like, an improv team of guys. I go to Vegas a lot. And then also, it's me and one other girl. And you got a yes and that. Of course. Yes and no. Well, we were like an improv team of guys. I go to Vegas a lot. And then also it's me and one of their girls.

And you got a yes and that. Of course. Yes and what? Well, we were like, we got to take him to a strip club because we were doing all these other activities and we were like, he'll be disappointed if we don't do one obvious Vegas activity. Sure. And so we did that and we were about to go like get in a cab or something.

And then the guy at the hotel was like, hey, I'll give you a free limo to the strip club. We were like, okay. And I was like, I said I'll give you a free limo to the strip club. We were like, okay. And I was like, I said, why? Why is this happening? And he was like. Good to ask that question. He was like, because I want you to enjoy my town. And I was like, okay.

And then we all got in. And then the driver was like, you know, the place you're trying to go is really busy right now. I'm going to take you to this other one. And there was another one that we had heard of. And then we're like, fine. And then he's like, you know what?

That one's really crazy this time too how about we end up with this middle of nowhere random place how scared are you as you're like seeing lights go like in your rear view i just was like wondering i figured with everyone with me i wasn't gonna die but there was just the feeling of like i don't like being taken somewhere out of my control it's just a little bit farther yeah and then we each had to pay like 40 bucks or something to get in, which already we were like, what the fuck?

I don't go to these things. I don't know. And then we went in and I just watched people grind their tits on my friend's faces. And how was that? So sexy. Right?

So great. I was really, and actually as a woman, empowering. Yeah, no, and it felt really good. There's supposed to be a strip club in Vegas now where they have two stages going in the same room.

And one stage is guys stripping and the other is girls. And I thought if you had a group of people, that would be the most hilarious thing to go do at the same time. Yeah, well, they did say, like my friend who is the other girl and I, we'd go to the men's one. I was like, I'd rather sit here and watch this weirdness than leave with her and go watch men be weird. I would rather sit here and watch this weirdness than leave with her and go watch men be weird. I would rather watch pregnant women strip. What women totally enjoy male stripping? I don't know. I don't think it's...

I'm not excited by it. I'd rather watch a woman. You'd rather watch a woman do it because they're just far better crafts people. Magic Mike is great. I think they're going because it's like hilarious and outrageous. Do you think Magic Mike just

totally amped up the mail stripping business? It got a little of the Magic Mike bump? Yeah. There's a Magic Mike show at the Hard Rock Hotel in Vegas right now. I'm not joking. Channing Tatum directed it. I'm not joking. Stop.

You stop. You stop. Is it just Mike Huckabee taking off his jacket? Now that, I mean too. That is a strip show I would want. Magic, I know. Magic's wild. Mike Huckabee.

Is that Dana Carvey? No. That is bizarre. I did not know that. That is wild, wacky, weird. Mike Huckabee stripping. Mike Huckabee taking off his jacket and just rubbing his tits on the Bible. Who left a quarter? Who put a quarter here?

That's not nice. Rubbing his man boobs all over. All over family values. All over Leviticus. A beautiful picture of Mike Huckabee wearing a jacket. And taking it off. Well, here's the deal. I'm glad we brought up Mike Huckabee because

he is a perfect example of how our country is getting dumber. The world is getting dumber as we speak. Something we need an escape from. We need to be able to combat it. I feel like Jay and Dan and I at times feel like the last backstop. Okay, we're here to try and keep this world, not let the whole dumb

tidal wave just overtake us all. So we are here to try and break it down with comedy. That's our only way to fight back. And thank God we have Lauren Lapkus. Yes. Oh my God. Our stories get sent in by our dumb ears on the ground. Our fans are the best. They send in these stories. Jay and I have not heard them. We're in the same spot as you are, Lauren.

So Dan knows the stories. He breaks them down and sends them to us. Do we have a good one to start things off? We do. It was sent in by Paul Connors at real Paul Connors. Not the fake one. It makes me hope that he's in some sort of bitter argument with a friend from college that he doesn't speak to anymore. Who got just a Paul Connors impersonator makes like $200,000 a year.

You know that, right? Yeah, he's amazing. He's awesome. Real Paul Connors impersonator makes like $200,000 a year. You know that, right? Yeah, he's amazing. He's awesome. Paul Connors. So authentic. Two women who were wanted by police after escaping a West Edmonton prison on Monday night. So they escaped an Edmonton prison on Monday night, were arrested at a local escape room. So they got out of jail, but they couldn't escape the escape room.

It's the moment between me finishing the sentence and you guys realizing what I said. Why the fuck would you go to an escape room if you got out of jail? I'll tell you. I will tell you. My daughter's 10th birthday party we had at an escape room, and got out of jail. I'll tell you, I will tell you, my daughter's 10th birthday party we had at an escape room and it was fun.

It's fun! Of course it's fun! You just got out of the best escape room in the world! Yeah, you escaped jail. Yes, but like, what if you're trying

to get a ghost out of a Shakespearean theater? It always is that, isn't it? I did one just like that in downtown LA. Is that where you went? That's where we went! We did it! And you found the shoes. I failed. All the shoes and it? I did one just like that in downtown LA. Is that where you went? That's where we went. We did it.

And you found the shoes. I failed. All the shoes and stuff. I failed, but yes. Here's what I loved about that, and I'll say this about it. It's Escape Room LA. I'll give them props. Is that, you know, we had 10-year-old girls, like a handful of 10-year-old girls, and me

and one of the dads, another dad who was there. And, you know, we're trying to figure this out. And they say, we're going to give you 50 minutes. You get 50 or like an hour at tops. And the girls hadn't figured it out. And they let them go to like an hour and eight minutes. And they didn't charge us more or anything like that. And when the girls figured it out and hit the door and it went open, it was like.

That's awesome. It was as if they won the Super Bowl. Like they celebrated so much. So I can imagine if you escape prison and what do you want to do? You want that feeling of escape. It suddenly becomes like a drug. How long was it between the two escapes?

The next day. I mentioned that immediately. You guys, that'd be like the two of you going to an open mic. That's like, you're not actually... No, I do say that people describe the concept of an escape room as that people are you're not actually uh no i do say that like at night people describe the concept of an escape room is that people are conspiring to keep you in a place and not allow you to escape and i'm like that's like us trying to go out and do stand-up every night

every night yeah i gotta like pull a book off the shelf and kind of leave dodge away so no one knows that we're leaving where's dad he just fucking disappeared i just love these two women being like we're out what are are we going to do? What do you want to do? I want to go back in somewhere. I want to get stuck somewhere. Sharon, what do you want to do? I want to call them Thelma and Luigi.

And they were like, you know what we should do? Let's do it one more time. Just come on. Rerack them. For old time's sake. So weird. I know. Quote, it was sort of funny to think that they weren't going to escape from an escape room.

Yeah, definitely not as challenging here as I assume escaping from a jail would be. I'm going to make a sweeping generalization that is probably terrible and get me in trouble. OK, this is the women are dumb. No, women are amazing because if it was two dudes breaking out of a jail, they'd just be raping everything. You know what I mean? Like coming out and just... You're saying they just... These girls...

Well, they think it's very wholesome. Right. I'm saying these women are amazing. Like they left prison and all they want to do is play a game. Like the mind of a woman... It's very sweet. Yes.

It is. It is very sweet. The broke out of jail is like, what do we do next? And then one of them looked at you and was like, we break out of everything. Play's like, what do we do next? And then one of them looked at you and was like, we break out of everything. Play the game breakout.

Yeah, exactly. Something. But to me, yeah, Rand, they aren't knocking off a liquor store. They're not breaking the law. They're actually just simulating what they just went through. Yeah, but I think that'd be the last place I'd want to go. I don't know. Low stakes.

Definitely not as challenging here as I assume escaping from jail would be, said Rebecca Leaw, who owns SideQuest Adventures Escape Room in downtown Edmonton with her husband, Jonathan Leaw. Oh, Jonathan. It's a little mom and pop business. Oh, yeah. Oh, hey, Jonathan. Did you lock up the escape room?

I don't know. I had to go to the store. You guys got the same color jumpsuits on. Yep. Where'd you get those? Yeah, we just wanted to do the theme really hard. Oh, that's pretty nice. You're like on the same team.

Yeah, yeah, we're on a team. We're committed to it. We're definitely going. They're orange. Are you guys Edmonton Oiler fans? Sure. Hockey fans. Yeah, orange jumpsuits. It's been a long time since I caught a game.

Yeah. We don't really get to see TV too much. Not a lot. Do you guys ever watch Orange is the New Black? Yeah. Jonathan loves that show. I love that. He basically loves it.

Yeah. We live it. Okay. All right. Well, you guys sign this release. Sign this release. You guys get 50 minutes. Should we use our real names? Yeah. All right. Sign this release. You guys get 50 minutes. Should we use our real names?

Yeah, do it. Some people like to use aliases. Sure, yeah, we're good at that. That's another show Jonathan really liked, Alias. There's another name for that show. I don't know what the other name for that show is. It was called Alias. No.

The tattoo show with the girl with the tattoos? Nope, nope, nope. She's married now. The character. The girl with the dragon tattoo? Yeah. I just saw a commercial for that show, and it was like, she's like, her husband's like, we're a team now.

Yeah, the show is like the woman gets found in the middle of the street covered in tattoos, and then the tattoos on her back lead to clues to what she's supposed to do. And she still found love. Yeah, Well, one of the tattoos said, will you marry me? You know how like just people start marrying people in prison,

which, okay, fine to marry someone in prison. I think it's very weird if you're not also in prison to marry someone in prison. It's kind of the best form of marriage ever because you don't have to be with their family on holidays. You don't have to see them much. You get your own bed. You get your own bed. You sleep in your own. Lauren, you were in Orange is the New Black. I was.

Did you guys shoot at a prison? We shot it on a soundstage for a lot of it but then also at an abandoned children's psych ward in upstate New York. A escape room. Very dark feelings. Scratches on the walls and weird writing and stuff. Oh my god

like one of my fears is prison like I just saw what is it like Brawl Brawl in Cell Block 99 you love the 60 Days 60 Days In

that like terrifying that couldn't stop watching it I've watched that and Locked Up Abroad and stuff oh my god and you can tell

on that 60 Days In like half episode in you're like will not make it no this guy's not some of these people will not make it so you're literally afraid of going going to make it. Some of these people are like, we'll not make it. So you're literally afraid of going into jail.

Yes, so I was watching Brawl in Cellblock 99, and like, the night of, the night of. Well, yeah, because you could be wrongly accused. In the night of, like, that whole process. And you know what really creeps me out? Is when you're, like, handing over your clothes in your possession, because you're on the precipice of knowing. That you're going into a world that you can't control. Like you're on the edge of it.

Like you, there's no time to be like, all right, this is what it is. It just, ugh. No, I just watched last night a 60 Minutes episode that Oprah did. I recorded it because Oprah was on it. Did you really? Yeah. It was on her Instagram. So I was like, I'm going to watch that.

Oh, yeah. I love her. I podcast 60 Minutes too. They do just an audio. Is she, how's she doing with her weight at this point? She looks fabulous. Okay, good. I'm just wondering.

She looks amazing. I just wonder how she's managing. She's making a cheese soup out of butternut squash. She has soup now. She changed the cheddar cheese to butternut squash. That's how it can be so decadent. That works for me. Yeah.

I don't like dairy. You guys are on this tip. What was the thing about her? It was about, she went to Pelican Bay where they had and it was like she talked about the solitary confinement

and like all these 22 hours in a space only as big as a parking space yeah and they I mean there was one guy

she talked to who was in there for 24 years alone solitary and he and then he got out eventually

but he was like and now he's in he's in a regular prison now it's not solitary but like some of the guys have also been released and now he runs the TV show Young Sheldon and now he's in he's in a regular prison now it's not solitary but like some of the guys have also been released and now he runs

the TV show Young Sheldon and he's hilarious I mean he had a lot of years just to kind of figure out the characters a lot of thinking

backstory and a bible have you I mean you guys have done the tour of Alcatraz right no I've never done that we couldn't get in

to the TV guys this is the crazy thing so we tried we're in San Francisco we're writing comedy about and we're like we're going on a tour to Alcatraz

we go to get on and it's like July and they're like the next tour is August 20th I don't like this Right? We're like Line up on the day

For years People were trying to get out of Alcatraz Now people can't get in for months Now you can't get in Now you can't I will tell one quick little part

That's a good joke People listening I guarantee you've done this and I'm telling the three of you as well as people who haven't People can't get in for months. Yeah, you can't get in. Now you can. I will tell one quick little part. There you go, guys. That's a good joke. People listening, I guarantee you've done this, and I'm telling the three of you as well as people who haven't, and then I promise we'll get back to the story. You do the audio tour, and it's like interviews with the prisoners and stuff. Yes, it's supposed to be amazing. There's a part where you can go into one of the solitary confinements, right? And you're listening to a guy tell his story of when he was there, and he would do a thing where before he would get taken to solitary, he would rip a button off of his whatever

you call it uniform yeah and then he would hide it in his mouth and then he would get put into solitary and he would in the complete pitch black find the corner take the button out of his mouth and throw it over his shoulder then he would get down on his hands and knees, he can't see anything, and try to find the button. And he called it playing find the button. And he would do this over and over just to keep himself from going nuts. He did that with children, and that's what

got him in there. Find the button. Comedian red buttons, that's what he used to say to women. By the way, this is what I've learned about that in Hollywood. It's like everybody's, every guy's idea of a fun little joke or thing to play on women is like now coming back to haunt them. Oh my God, I love it.

It's so great. It's like, I'm like, come on, Justice. Come on, Justice. Take them all down. I'm so thrilled to watch every name being named. Take every fat fuck who thought he could just like

put his power over on young I'm like destroy them disgusting freaks and the only person who's standing up for all these people

is James Woods right he's like let's just wait until we get Lindsay Lohan let's wait until we get all the facts

yeah you know Lindsay Lohan yeah when she's really rooting for you you know you're in deep shit. No, I saw Marilyn Manson fired his drummer who was accused of rape. Oh, wow. Really?

Or I think it's drummer or bassist, but still awesome. So he, she has limits, too. Yeah. Good. Well, let's go back to this. Okay. Rebecca said two women who claim to be from out of town. That's their whole backstory.

We're out of town. Claim to be. Right. Where are you guys from? We claim to be from out of town. That's their whole backstory. We're out of town. Claimed to be. Right. Where are you guys from? We claim to be from out of town. They came into their business shortly before 8.30 p.m. Tuesday to inquire about escape rooms. That is. Jonathan said the women told him they had never experienced a escape room before and asked for a tour.

That's the whole reason. A tour of an escape room. Can we just kind of look at it? We just want to look around. Can we just kind of check it out a little bit? Yeah. See if we can't get out of it. That's not whole reason. A tour of an escape room? Can we just kind of look at it? We just want to look around. Check it out a little bit. See if we can't get out of it. That's not out of the ordinary, Jonathan explained. We get a lot of walk-ins. People are curious. They've never done an escape room before.

33% of our businesses walk up. Do you think that the two women were like, you're going to need a bigger lock than that. They were just constantly critiquing. They're just checking it out. But I don't understand why go anywhere after you've escaped prison. Like hide, hide it, just be inside for a day. Yes.

Give yourself some you time. Or be outside for a day, but be far from everything. Yeah, sure, in a park or something. Or just go to a Tim Hortons. Yeah, they clearly thought like if we just try and blend in, we'll be fine. We are, and he says, not having seen the news of the escaped prisoners, Rebecca Leaw took the women around the corner and down the

hall, my favorite nursery rhyme, to view one of the rooms. Jonathan stayed at the front reception desk. They continued the stream of typical questions, Rebecca said. They were extremely cool about it. They kept up a regular conversation, asking completely typical questions that we do get on a daily basis.

Nothing out of the ordinary. Nothing weird. What a waste of time. It was a little weird they shuffled feet because they had shackles on them. But other than that. One of them was like, can we just do the escape room? And the other one was like, I have more questions. They were at odds about it.

Who wrote the escape room what a story right quote they weren't threatening in any way rebecca said while the women were on the tour a police officer came down the stairs into the business and asked jonathan if two women had come in without an appointment so he's assuming they wouldn't even have made an appointment by the way greatest police officer ever how did he figure it i don't even have made an appointment. By the way, greatest police officer ever. How did he figure it out? I don't know. He is amazing. Quote, I was like, this is Jonathan.

Yes, actually. There are. They have. I can't believe they're in yellow jumpsuits. And I love the image of what I'm about to tell you the cop said into his shoulder. Yeah. Walkie. Yeah.

That was a good sound. He said, he just called for backup right right away he just said into his walkie talkie they're here that's badass yes two women come in here without an appointment yep okay they're here they're here they're here i'm really impressed by that i hope the person back was like who's where yeah they jim them they. The two people we care about right now. I have a lot of people I care about, Frank. Okay, I mean the ones who escaped the prison, okay? I'm looking at the news here.

You've got to be more specific. You've got to be more specific. The women. Take her off speakerphone because we're all wanting to hear it. Within seconds, Jonathan said four more police officers came into the building. Quote, I was getting a little concerned at that point. I was like, who are we dealing with, said Jonathan. Meanwhile, around the corner, Rebecca had been with the women for about 30 seconds when she looked up and saw the police.

Quote, I looked up behind them to see a hallway full of police officers. A hallway full of police. Are they on horseback? Are they Canadian Mounties? I hope so. They came on horses down the stairs into the room.

I hope that she was like, gentlemen, great to see you, nice uniforms. I'm giving one tour at a time. You will have to wait. Yeah. These guys have some

very specific questions about the escape room. Right. She saw a hallway full of police officers. They were very, very quickly handcuffed and after that

led straight out. It was all very quiet and very peaceful because police officers. They were very, very quickly handcuffed. And after that led straight out. It was all very quiet and very peaceful. Because I imagine the women were like, yeah, you got us. We're going back to that great escape room of all. They just were like, thank you. To me, I would love it if they turned around and saw the police officers and said to Rebecca, is this part of it? That's a very serious escape room. You have to say the right thing to them.

That is a very serious escape room. You have to say the right thing to them. Maybe they had gotten too used to jail, like in Shawshank Redemption, where he keeps asking permission to go to the bathroom. They get out and they're like, I need that structure back. I do find it so strange they didn't spend time with their families. They just went to an activity that anyone could do. It's terrible. Police began their search for the women Monday night after prison officials reported two inmates had jumped the east fence of the Edmonton Institution for Women and a scrape the facility.

If you have one fence, that's your way. I'm imagining it's like knee height. Right. They were like, uh. Yeah, it was more of a, uh, fence. I mean, I think this is maybe a rule in life. If you have one fence, expect it to be jumped. Yeah, it's going to get jumped. Officers searched the area but weren't able to locate.

Here's their names. Kelsey Lane Marie Mast. K-L-M-M. That's one? That's one. Yes. I've flown on KLM and airlines. Samantha Faye Toupe. No! No!

It might be Toop, but I don't care. T-O-O-P-E. Toupee. Sammy Faye Toupee. Samantha Faye Toupee. Sammy Faye Toupee. SFT's here, motherfuckers!

Sammy Faye Toupee. I love her. In the place to bae. Every time she would get her check from her boss, she was like, Toupee my ass. Yes.

I just love that kind of name because it justifies every stupid name I've ever given a character it's like yes someone's name is toupee I'm the same way

and if you think of that name you're like too much yeah I would never be Samantha Faye toupee everyone's like stop who would be here's a picture

of these two gents neck tats they're younger than I thought there's alright there are neck tattoos, but I mean, they are, they don't, I don't know. I don't know what I was expecting. I just a little more sort of like grittier.

Yeah, like they had lived longer. I thought they'd be older. What's that eyebrow style? Anyone in this room? Surprised? Yeah, no, it's when you pluck the undersides of it to give it an expression of but then there's like a half there's like taken out in the middle i really think she ripped off

like her entire eyebrow stopped going and she got tattoos of just the eyebrows yeah yeah in jail eyebrow tattoos yes jonathan it's not microblading you guys don't know what i'm talking about oh we know i'm more of a threader i'm more okay greater. Jonathan and Rebecca said they had no idea who they were dealing with and were able to find some amusement in the situation. I want to hang out with Jonathan and Rebecca. All day? Ironic. Somewhat funny. This is Jonathan.

Seeing as they escaped an escape room, technically jail, that wasn't supposed to be escaped. What a great sento. I'm so excited I'm getting interviewed. The escape room was supposed to be escaped. Escape, slow down. What a great sento. I know. I'm so excited I'm getting interviewed. Escape, escape, escape, escape, escape, escape, escape. You come on down here where the inmates can't even get out. Calm down.

Someone sit him down and just get him to start breathing into a bag. Although typically I don't think jails put puzzles in the way that they're not supposed to be escaped. So it might be a little different. Jails put puzzles? Who knows? Jails put puzzles in the way that they're not supposed to be escaped. So it might be a little different. Jails put puzzles? Who knows? Jails put puzzles. Sounds like Trump. Shut up.

Police said the escapees will be returned to the custody of the Correctional Service of Canada. Oh, Canada. First story down. That is a great story. I love it. The escape room, I love it. Escape the Escape Room. I love it. It's like, what came first?

If they just stopped the tour, they could have been in the room. Oh, we don't know. They had to. Right? Yeah, they could have at least done the room. They could have just listened to Journey Escape, like that album,

and gotten that out of their system. There you go. All right, one story down. This is Dumb People Town. We have Lauren Lapkus here. Let's stay with us because we have more great stuff coming up. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. We have Lauren Lapkus here. Let's stay with us because we have more great stuff coming up. Stick around.

Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to Dumb People Town. As we say, if you want to see a picture of these two lovely ladies and their weird eyebrows, join our Facebook page, Dumb People Town. It's growing every day. Also, we we got three

live shows of this we're doing one in Houston at the Come and Take It Festival guest to be announced 14th of November we're going to be doing one on the

21st of January part of Sketch Fest in San Francisco that's Sunday at I believe 3pm yes at Cobbs Comedy Club I'll be there too

with Wild Horses you guys are so good thank you I want to good. Thank you. I want to see that. Are you there that weekend or no? I can't remember. Okay,

we'll find out. I hope so. I hope we get to see you. Yeah. And then we're doing a live one in Brooklyn at the Bell House. It's already half sold out,

which is- In February. February 25th. So we're very excited that the tickets are selling. I think that's going to go. It's with the girls from Guys We Fuck,

so they're going to be our guests. They just had a book come out and they're about to start promoting it. So if you I think that's going to go. It's with the girls from Guys We Fuck, so they're going to be our guests. They just had a book come out, and they're about to start promoting it. So if you're thinking you might want to go, I would get tickets because I know their audience is going to want to come. And for all of these, if you're on the fence, and you want some Dumb People Town merch, that's where these are going to be sold.

Yes, bring the merch. So get in on that tip. Speaking of fun stuff that is happening, you have a new podcast. I do. I have a new podcast i do i have a new podcast called raised by tv and it's me and john gabrus just talking about everything we remember from our childhoods in the 80s and 90s and we watched so much tv growing up because our parents didn't

care about us so we remember every moment have you had any like shows you wanted to go back and visit as you're doing the show do you rewatch I have basically never stopped watching all that shit so a lot of it's on Hulu now like all of TGIF is now on Hulu I'm thrilled thank you

we're really excited because there's a Saved by the Max Saved by the Bell like the Max restaurant is opening a pop-up restaurant in LA soon and it's called

Saved by the Max and our dream is to go there you have to get tickets I don't know if it's gonna work out you have to get tickets I know it's insane. I need tickets. But our podcast launched November 8th,

launches November 8th, so check it out and download it and listen to us and take the journey with us. It's so fun. Are you guys going to do even your favorite shows that you had growing up?

When you get around the holidays, the Family Ties Christmas episode is one of my favorite. It's a good one. Well, we already recorded our Christmas episode. Oh, that's right. Nice. But yeah, we talk,

each episode is kind of based on a theme. Like we did a whole game shows episode, one of our cartoons. So it's just a blast. You're younger than we are. I was remembering how influential the Gong show was for us. Oh, yeah.

So this is how influential it is for me. There's a moment, okay, in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory where Augustus goes into the chocolate river and Gene Wilder does a movement. Like he looks around like he doesn't know what's going on and his hat goes down over his eyes and it's Chuck Beres. It is so him from the gong show.

And my initial thought when I saw that was the gong show. And we watched that and that show was so much fun. It is so him from The Gong Show. And my initial thought when I saw that was The Gong Show. And we watched that, and that show was so much fun. It had so much fun. The people who were on the show seemed like they were having fun. And for that reason, I remember that was like... It's informed kind of the way we do our comedy. I feel that way about everything that I watched growing up. So it's really fun to revisit it and see what it means to you.

I'm trying to be Dan Felding from Nightcore. That's all I'm ever going to be. Well, I love this, and I can't wait to experience the podcast. I'm going to download it. I'm going to subscribe to it and be a supporter of it. And you guys should, too. Everybody here, do it. It is called Raised by TV.

And let me tell you, there's another podcast named that. So watch out for ours. Watch out for it. It was an oversight in our planning. But hey, you know, those people approved it. So don't tell me that it matters. It doesn't matter. They're happy.

They're happy. Fuck it. They're probably not happy. No, but they said it's fine. They're really upset. But that's okay. We have more stories. Let's jump into it.

This is just a classic dumb person. Okay. I love it. I read this. I was person. Okay. I love it. That is, I read this, I was reading this story, and there was like three times I was like, dude, you are, stop, man. Garden variety dummy. This was sent in by Reed Owens at

Rezus Walks. R-E-Z-U-S. Rezus Walks. Yes! That's what he wants. I love him. Thanks, Reed Owens. Two fast food workers robbed at gunpoint by a man wearing a ski mask identified the suspect as a former co-worker. There we go. Wow.

I mean, wow. I just like that ski masks are still being used. We haven't gone on for that. Where are you getting that? I don't know. I don't know either. You go to a sporting goods store and you're like, I need a ski mask. And the person selling it to you is like, you plan on holding anybody up?

Yeah. They have to answer. Right. Yeah. I am. I am. Someone here. I used to work here, Dale.

Why are you coming back to hold up the sporting goods store? Somebody else. Shut up, Jeff. How do you know my name? Jeff, Dale, I worked for you yesterday. So you think I'm not... The ski mask doesn't obscure your voice. Yeah.

Well... Your mouth comes through it. Right. The East Baton Rouge Parish Sheriff's Office reported Cleveland Willis has been arrested in correction with the October 3rd armed robbery of the KFC. We were at a KFC after a bank robbery a few episodes ago. Yes, we were. We're back getting them herbs and spices.

Come on, man. KFC has enjoyed their, they've employed several comedians in their campaign. Yep. You don't know who it's going to be next. I know, I know. Right? Why can't you be? They've never done a woman.

That's discrimination. I've been wanting to be the KFC guy for years. And I'm like, okay, Norm MacDonald, fine. When's it my turn? It would be so funny to see a woman with a little beard and a bowl of diet. I would do that. You should. You'd be hilarious.

For the record, I'm available. You hear that, KFC? It would be kind of awesome to do. Do you know that KFC just somehow worked its way into the latest WWE video game? And you can play as the Colonel. It's Kurt Angle dressed as the Colonel. What's their Kurt Angle? There you go

Come on Why can't there be two? Why can't there be two? Colonel Sanders Colonel Sanders and his brother Yeah We should be it Yeah

Yeah actually that'd be so good Colonel Sanders And Lieutenant Sanders Or you guys argue You guys argue over the type of chicken Like what goes best Do you know the guys have Spicy

Spicy Louisiana No I like the sweet Sweet original Original recipe I love this Spicy Louisiana chicken like boy you know the guys have this spicy spicy Louisiana no original original original original recipe Louisiana extra crispy extra soggy I love it it's not a style of how people like it can't you do it extra soggy don't guys fried chicken uh they say he's been arrested in connection with the October 3rd armed robbery of a KFC on Perkins Road

in Baton Rouge added to the Dumb People Town walking tour someone please you know someone has made a map of all these places

and where they are like this just Dumb People Town walking tours does it seem to be in a certain area no Florida tends to be

Florida's got a bunch of pins look where we've been today we were in Edmonton Edmonton somebody hit me over the face No, Florida tends to be... Florida's got a bunch of pins. Look where we've been today. We're in Edmonton. Edmonton. Edmonton.

Somebody hit me up in the face and was like, don't know if you're interested with stories out of America. I'm like, yeah, anywhere, man. Anywhere. Dumb. If there's there dumb people in Finland, I'd do it. According to the arrest warrant, the victims told investigators that although the suspect was wearing a ski mask, they could tell it was Willis. This is what Chase just said. Because he was wearing a ski mask, they could tell it was

Willis. This is what Chase was saying. Because he was wearing his name tag and uniform. Because they had worked with him for several months. Yeah, that's right. It's funny because sometimes when I wear sunglasses, I think even people I know won't recognize me. Like, I'm like, oh, it's me, you know?

And I'm like, of course. But if I had a ski mask on, they'd probably still know it was me. Have you ever experienced what I've experienced? Constantly. I will do a a ski mask on, they'd probably still know it was me. Have you ever experienced what I've experienced? Constantly. I will do a show with wigs, right? You're hip to the wig game, too. Oh, yeah. I love wigs.

Is that like businesswoman character you do? That wig is full on. Thank you. I love that wig. We're all laughing at the comedy, and Dan is still at the comedy, and he's like, that's a damn good wig. That's a good wig. But I will get.

This happens when I do shows with Doug Benson. I will get off stage. Yes. We will walk out. People who just watched me for 90 minutes on stage do not know I was the guy on stage. That's good work. That's so crazy. Wigs, like sunglasses, you're right, people get, but wigs will literally, people will

be like. Yeah, wigs throw you off. I did a show with a comedian that we all know, was on stage with him for an hour doing a live podcast. it was like uh probably science at sketch fest um was it probably science or it was the probably science yeah well it's andy wood's uh i'm saying it was probably yeah probably probably probably probably probably science but i get off stage and we're standing at the back of the punchline, and I go, just, you know, you say to your friend, I'm like, great show.

And we didn't really know each other very well, but we had just done a show together. I go, great show. And he goes, oh, man, thanks for coming out. What? And I was like, I just, I sat next to you for an hour, but my wig's off, and you, you know, this was years ago. But that's crazy. That's crazy wig work. That's just a guy who's not paying attention.

He's not looking at anyone. If you want to rob a KFC, just wear a wig. Yes, wigs, man. That's not the guy. That guy does not have the hair I was looking at the whole time. Dan, I think you should do a show about all KFC robberies just by wigs and call it wigging out. Yeah.

Okay, I will. This is a random thing that I've always remembered. If you are ever attacked by somebody, this is scary, but look at their chin, like study their chin. Because when you're looking at a lineup, it's an easier way to, you will not remember like their general face if everyone looks kind of the same. Really? So if you look at their chin while they're attacking you. Every time I've seen someone acting awkward, I say to myself,

I'll remember them in a lineup. Just like walking through a parking lot or something, I'm like, what was that person doing? I'll remember that person. I try to clock their face in my mind to be like, if I need to, I'll remember that person. Dan, you tap into your internal sketch artist. Exactly. We all have one. Oh, yeah. We all have one.

We all have one. They can tell it was Willis because they worked with him for several months. The warrant stated the suspect walked into the business wearing all black and a black ski mask over his face, ready to do tech for some local theater show. He reportedly showed the cashiers that he had a gun and demanded money. Authorities said both workers opened two cash registers and handed over all the cash in their tills. He gave himself away and he was like, hey, Dale. Dale, hook me up with that.

Here's where it gets real dumb. Thanks, Lisa. Ready? During the robbery, one of the victims asked the suspect, Cleveland, is that you? The suspect reportedly replied, no, it's not me.

That's in quotes, guys. No, it's not me. That's in quotes, guys. No, it's not me is so dumb. That's like a perfect little sketch. That's just insane. Yeah, if you're doing that sketch where the person goes, well, now you said it's not me. That's not even what I said. Are you going to let me rob you or not? Why would I say it's not me if it was me?

One of those semantic sketches. You said me. Right, but if I were him, I would say me. It's me. If it was me. One of those like semantic sketches. You said me. Right, but if I were him, I would say me. It's me. And so I would say it's not me. The more you're talking,

the more I'm hearing your voice. Cleveland, is that you? No, it's not me. It's not me. Well, that feels like it is because that's literally a double

negative about yourself. Nope. A simple no would have sufficed. Nah. Nah. Nah. Nah.

Or just yell at them to get the money back. Why would you even answer? Yes. Then I'd be like, yes, it's me if it wasn't Cleveland because then you're able

to go like, yeah, it's Cleveland. Oh, so you're doing the old escape room. Yeah. Oh, yeah, it's me. I came back to rob your store. I mean, how sad is it

not to get all sportsy but like even this cleveland can't win the report stated the report stated the suspect here's another dumb fact drove off in a silver nissan altima which is the same vehicle cleveland had been using while he worked there i mean what you just think no one's paying attention to you? To him, he was like, I want to rob a place, but I really want to know... Knowing the layout

and where their cash registers are is the most... Because that's the hardest thing to find. This was a six-month job. This was a six-month inside job. He worked on the inside, studied it, and then did something

that he could have done anywhere. The problem was he got caught up and made friends. Yeah. That was the problem. He's too personable. That problem was he got caught up and made friends. Yeah. That was the problem. He's too personable. Yes. The thing, he's too good of a guy.

Yeah. They love him. According to the warrant, the victims reported they recognized the robber as Cleveland because his voice and, quote, this is the other way they knew it was him, the features of his face that were visible through the holes in the mask. Okay. So what does he have, like weird bags under his eyes? I don't know.

I hope it literally means there's not the holes you're supposed to have. There's just random holes that kind of give away. But if you see someone's eyes and mouth, and you know them. And their voice. You're going to know. You know it's them. 100%. Face shape, you're going to know who it is.

Height, height body lip configuration if you worked nights at the KFC rob it during the day right different staff yes look

should this be what the Cleveland show is about I haven't seen it a lot but I feel like this guy I don't know if it's still on it probably is not still on

it's not no pour a little out Cleveland Willis has been booked into the East Baton Rouge Parish Prison. They really drag it out. On a charge of armed robbery, bond has not been set.

I'm going to ask you guys right now. And Lauren, you are a guest, which means you can decide if you want to go first, third, or second, which we call the Tignotoro spot because she was the first person to say, I want to go second. Okay. How much money did Cleveland Willis steal from the KFC? Okay. Coming to you with an overview to find out how much damage did they do? I want to go first.

Okay. Do it. He stole $137. Wow. Okay. Very specific. I'll go next. I think he stole $400.

$400 from Randy. I think it's more. I think he stole... You think there's that much money in the registers? Once it gets over a certain amount, they got to drop it, don't they? What'd you say? I said $400.

And you said $137. Yeah, you're right. You're right. Thanks for helping me. I'm going to say $280. What were Thanks for helping me. I'm going to say 280. What were you going to say? I was going to say 620, but I'm going to say 280. Okay.

Cleveland Willis robbed his friends. All right, everybody. Guess in your offices. Now it's $20. What I love, Lauren, is that there's somewhere there are people in an office listening to this, and they're just yelling out dollars. Maybe in Baton Rouge. Maybe in Baton Rouge. Maybe in Baton Rouge.

320. Or it's Cleveland. He's going, just say it. I know how much it is. I hope there's somebody yelling with their windows down, and the car next to them thinks they're yelling at them. What, man? 139.

Cleveland Willis stole from his friends at the KFC $600. What? Why didn't I go with my heart? You have to always trust yourself. Rand talked as my brother. Rand talked as we're into a win. Just like Cleveland, Jay, you should go with your heart.

You had it. You had it. I mean, that is just classic. It's classic Cleveland. Straight up Cleveland. Thinking outside the. It's classic Cleveland. Yep. Straight up Cleveland. Thinking outside the bun. Where you robbing tonight?

The place where I used to work. From who? The people I know. Probably not a great idea. Don't tell me how to do my life. It's Baton Rouge. Like, no offense, but I bet there's a KFC like two blocks away. Or just go to a different one.

Go to the other one right down the street. It'll at least slow them down from figuring out who it is. Can I say for the record, too? This is how you guys will know it's me. If I ever rob a KFC someday, I'm taking food, too. Why would you not be like, and load up a bucket? Did you ever eat a bucket of fried chicken from KFC? Of course I have.

Of course. How about the Double Down? Did you ever try the Double Down, which was the chicken as bread? No, I've never done that. Chicken as bread. That would just be straight chicken. Chicken as bread. What about the Flavor Bowl?

It was mashed potatoes, corn, gravy, and chicken. I never done that. Chicken as bread. That would just be straight chicken. Chicken as bread. What about the flavor bowl? It was mashed potatoes, corn, gravy, and chicken. I never did that. Did you guys eat Brown's chicken, or is that a local thing in Chicago? No, I've had Brown's. Brown's is good as hell. Well, when we were down in Charlotte, Price's Chicken, we ate that like- Price's Chicken Coop. Price's Chicken Coop in Charlotte.

Called Chicken Coop? Yes, I ate it a long time ago, and I still think I'm- Right now, I'm getting over it yeah i'm just now it's passing the heartburn there's a place in chicago so good called jj fish oh yeah have you ever done it i've never gone there because it looks fast food fish place and the logo is two fishes on hooks right yes looking like they're jays it's called jj fish and i would walk by it in the loop all the time and be like, and there would be a line. And I'm like, and I would eat at Ronnie's number four over in the Thompson building. You trust the line.

This is a moment where you trust the line. I don't know, man. Yeah. I don't like fish enough to eat that fast. I don't want counter fish. I don't want fish to go that fast. And in Chicago, it's like, how long did it take to get there? There's a lot of questions.

I don't want to eat fish for whack or drive. I don't want to eat that fish from Wacker Drive. I don't want to eat fish that I had to pay when I ordered. Hey, is this fish from that green river? Yeah, over there. Yeah. Asian carp. Where Dave Matthews dumped all the shit? He dumped all the shit and grabbed his goddamn bus and fed the Asian carp down there.

Yeah. That Asian carp were eating all the goddamn lake trout. Yeah, they're like down there. Yeah. That Asian carp were eating all the goddamn lake trout. Yeah. They're like ants marching. Anyway. Okay. That's story number two. What are we looking for in the third segment?

It is a story where nobody is really dumb, but dumb things just happen in this town. It's kind of like a dumb poltergeist. A dumb poltergeist is now affecting the town. All right. Lauren Lapkus is with us. We have one more segment and a special guest. This is Dumb People Town. Stay with us.

Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hi, guys. Welcome back to the show. We got one more story. Dan, take us home, brother. Here we go.

This was sent in by Matt Armstrong at Velvet R. Presley. Sure. Gorgeous. It's got to be like an Elvis Presley. Yeah, Velvet Elvis Presley. Velvet Elvis. A schoolboy,

like I said, this is just a dumb thing that happens in our town. A schoolboy eagerly smashed open a beer bottle he found on the beach so he could read a secret message inside but was shocked at what he discovered okay human penis i don't know something's in there

robbie camp robbie chapel robbie chapel robbie chapel That is little Robbie Chapel. Little Robbie Chapel. He will be little Robbie Chapel until he's like 49. Little Robbie Chapel. What's little Robbie Chapel do? I'm little Robbie Chapel. Yeah. He's, to me, dressed exactly like Angus Young from ACDC. Which, to me, do you think Angus Young was like, yeah, this is a great idea when I was

19. I'm a schoolboy. Now I'm 64 and I have to wear that stupid ass. That's how I feel about Kiss. I'm like,boy. Now I'm 64 and I have to wear that stupid ass. That's what I feel about Kiss. I'm like, what are you? You paint your face. Paint don't age.

Like a cat. Paint don't age, Lauren. Paint don't age. Yeah, that's true. Paint don't crack. Paint don't crack. Look at Angus Young. Look at Angus Young.

That's so gross. I mean, he just has to look like he's dressed as a British schoolboy and he's 69 or 70 years old. It was good when he was in his 30s. Yeah, that's cute. I think it's awesome. All right. He does get to wear shorts on stage. Little Robbie Chappell, what's he doing?

He's divorced and he's in prison. Found the Heineken beer bottle on Hailing Island, Hampshire, while walking his dog on Sunday. Who's letting the kid Little Robbie Chell, walk their dog by himself? The youngster excitedly rushed home and used a small hammer five times to break the glass on the ground. Pussy. Couldn't do it in three.

Why did it take him five? Yeah. Fucking hit it. Hit it, dude. I hope he said mazel tov when he cracked it. His stepfather, Robert Smith, recorded the moment of the cure.

That's unbelievable. Ding, ding, ding. I don't care if Monday's blue. Bring it. Robert Smith. Tuesday, Saturday, Wednesday too. Thursday, I don't care about you. It's Friday, I'm in love.

Breaking bottles. Saturday. Okay. Robbie got his hands on the message, which they hoped would be an important discovery. However, the note, which turned to be written out the day before. Oh, God. Which is all right.

That's a sad part. Someone threw it out and it just came immediately back. This little kid in the UK is like, I found it. I found a message. I've got it. Imagine how long it's been in here, father. And he's like, well, it kind of looks like a new Heineken bottle. And I'm not your father.

I'm your stepdad. If it was a message from in here, father. And he's like, well, it kind of looks like a new Heineken bottle. And I'm not your father. I'm your stepdad. If it was a message from Sting, though. Yeah, I mean, that would be incredible. Sting should put out messages in bottles. Every day. Just one person. Throw one out there. He told the tale.

He turned out the note was written the day before and told the tale about two friends. Now, I'm going to ask Lauren if you'd be willing to read the note. I have it pulled up here. I'd love to. This is what this kid found. He's like, I found a note, Dad. Daddy. Is that Dad?

All right, so you can switch chairs. Here we go. Okay. Well, here. We can get on this mic. Okay. Dan and Dan was here. 1-10-2016.

12-19 p.m. Out are nuts on cocaine. Massive love for the sesh. Lots of love, sesh gremlins, a.k.a. And then it doesn't say. This kid opened up a bottle. And just two people. And it's two dudes who are on their nut of cocaine.

Oh, yes. I mean, that's so sad. That is. And it was the day before. It was the day. This kid's like, I found a treasure. And it's two dudes named Dan and Dan. I was not one of them. Dan and Dan.

These are the real Koch brothers, right? I mean, that's who these guys are. They wrote, out our nuts on cocaine. Massive love for the sesh. You mentioned these two dudes sitting on a beach the night before just being like, we should put a message in a bottle. That would be fucking crazy. When you're on cocaine, you're like, this is going to go around the world.

Yeah. And then they just like chucked into the water and didn't see a wave. Just bring it right back to their feet. It was right next to them the whole night. The weird thing too was, and you hit this on the note. It says AKA and then it like blurs out. Like what would they blur out? So they love the sesh.

We had a kid in our junior high school named Paul Safa, whose nickname was the both. AKA the both. AKA the sesh. And he was kind of a burnout-y type guy. And later it was found out and hung with a bunch of like burn outs like a bunch of

Paul Safa Paul Safa aka the sesh aka the boat and who saw somebody so I and these are like all the dudes

who smoked a lot of pot had hockey hair but played soccer in St. Louis and did like cycles of steroids and tore their biceps so this was

I saw Willie Lemire who was his friend this is like a few years after we graduated and we were at TGI Fridays

on the Friday after Thanksgiving when all the people just gathered it was sort of like the impromptu we're all getting together

from where you are and Willie Lemire says to us oh yeah I remember this he's like so you heard about Saffa right and our first thought

was like, he's dead? Yeah. Or paralyzed or something. Or paralyzed or something crazy. And like, that was the graveness with which... My heart dropped for this guy. I didn't even care about him, but my heart dropped. You heard about Sapphire, right? We're like, no, we didn't. And he just kind of looked at us and kind of did a sideways

glance and he's like, he's a fucking fag. And then he walked away and we were like, good for him. Good for him. God, who cares? We're like,

this is shit. We're like, that's great that he can finally be who he is. I wanted to say that explains a lot. Yeah, that explains why he also couldn't be himself because there are people like that walking around. Oh my God. I love that you guys looking at him being like,

great. He's like, crazy, right? Yeah, he wanted us to go off and laugh. Randy and I were just like, that's great.

I'm so happy for him. It's not that bad, Lamir. It's crazy though, right? Yeah, you never would have thought though. He likes dudes though. I don't think you guys understand what I said.

Dude. Gay. Baff. Sash, man. Sash, bro. Gay. We're like, yeah, that's great. That's awesome. Gay people can smoke pot too. said dude gay both sash man sash bro gay we're like yeah that's great

that's awesome gay people can smoke pot too yeah yeah I did that once we were doing Finding the Funny in Raleigh

and I was playing pinball at a bar while you guys were filming something this guy came up to me and he was like where you live and I was like

Los Angeles he's like a lot of sin out there and I'm like well yeah it's okay I really like it a lot yeah you know you know what they let in there a lot I was like, Los Angeles? He's like, a lot of sin out there. And I'm like, well, yeah, it's okay. I really like it a lot. Yeah.

You know what they let in there a lot? I'm like, here we go. Here we go. I can't wait to hear what you're going to say that you think I'm going to be on board with. Yeah. I go, what? And he's like, there's a lot of homosexuals there. And I go, yeah.

Yep. That's why I moved there. I'm gay. And he's like, mm-mm. Took his quarter off the machine. You seem like a good person. I'm like, yeah. You know what?

Because it doesn't really have any bearing on whether or not I am. Here's the thing. There's some bad people who are gay, and there's some great people who are gay. And he said, I'm not joking. He goes, I'm going to pray for you. And you know what I said to him? I'm going to pray for you, too. That's great.

I love that. I'm going to pray for you, too. He good. That's great. I love that. I'm going to pray for you too. He thought he was going to be, like, we were going to elbow it up to each other. It's also just so crazy because I'm like, you're gay. Yeah. If you're like, there's a lot of gay people there. It's just like, you're gay. Yeah.

Stop. Stop. Go. I mean, you should probably enjoy it. Just go have sex with a person. Just go. Actually, go watch all of Transparent. That'll probably

be so cathartic for you to know that there are people out there I mean how hard is that like life is so hard

like it's so hard to be able to enjoy yourself ever to like deny yourself your own joy well I know who is it

I think I heard this was Mike Pence that he's like was gay in college or something I'm sure he was I'm sure he was I mean I don about this online. I'm sure he was.

I mean, I don't know what's true or whatever. Yeah, but then he did a... A reprogramming. A reprogramming. Which is something he believes in. That's why he believes it, because he went through it or whatever. He rebooted the gay computer.

And it's like, your life is so sad. It's the saddest. Wouldn't it be great if Willie Lemire had been like, you guys hear about Safra? What, Safra? Yeah, what? No, I did not. He's gay.

And I mean. I'm so proud of him. To be able to just like admit to yourself what you really are inside and not, you know, carry that around anymore. Get around, dude. He's really hurting. He's really hurting. He's cutting Dusty up here.

DJI Fridays, baby. I'm just like really happy for him. Who's cutting onions down here? Someone open up a sizzler plate? No, in my dreams, you're at Applebee's where there's still a smoking section. Who brought the skillets? This is what I love. We'll go back to this.

We'll finish it out. Robbie pulled the damp scrap of paper, which read Dan and Dan here. And then they said, nuts on our minds and cocaine. Crazy. Lots of love. Sesh gremlins,

which is, I hope, what they call themselves. Sesh gremlins is great. All the time. We're a couple of sesh gremlins. Dude, we go hard in the sesh. You know what we are?

You know what we are? You know what we are, man? You know what we are? We are sesh gremlins. Yeah. Write it down. Write it down. We should build a note

around us. Put it in a bottle, dude. Don't give me coke after midnight. We're going to put it in a bottle dude don't give me coke after midnight we're gonna put this in a bottle don't give me coke after midnight

because you know what we're sesh gremlins before we do our coke we're just a couple of like mogwais we're mogwais chill mogwai and then once I get

the coke it's all over we're all mogwais in cages until we get that thing in us and then it's like boom boom boom

we're out I'm gonna throw this it's gonna go all around the world some of these people are gonna be like just the sesh gremlins by that point we'll be so famous for our gremlin sessions cages until we get that thing in us and then it's like boom boom boom we're out. I'm going to throw this it's going to go all around the world man. At that point we'll be so famous for our gremlin sashes. That's right. D&D Music Factory here we go.

After reading the note by the pair who described themselves as sesh gremlins Mr. Smith shouted out this is in the video if people want to go watch it he goes no pirates then just druggies because the boy over there was a pirate man he's like no pirates then Robbie just druggies because the boy there was a pirate there he's like no pirates then

Robbie just druggies alright then just druggies then wasn't it wouldn't it you thought it was going to be something

you thought it was going to be something good but it wasn't we have a long standing bit where we love how English people ask you a rhetorical

question at the end to make you feel dumb not really what you wanted then was it not really what you were going for then, was it? Just a couple of pirate gremlin druggies, innit? More of an anti-drug ad then that you found there, wasn't it?

Yeah, you wanted a... Not as beautiful as you thought it would be, huh, Robbie? Innit? Innit. The mother, Mrs. Smith, 45, I don't know why that matters, said it's got to be the world's worst message in a bottle effort, or the best. Really?

We thought it might be something exciting from France from years ago. What? Well, calm down. Well, I think this is the area, like the Dunkirk area, where France is on the channel, right? I don't know. But it was in a Corona bottle, right? That's the thing. Before we started giving it as a hiney.

It's like it's current. Yes, true, true. It's old school. But like this season's Sam Adams. It's October it's current. Yes, true, true. It's like this season's Sam Adams. It's October blank or whatever. But actually, it was just a couple of druggies from the day before. I hope they said that. Listen, son, sometimes life is great and grand.

Sometimes it's just a couple of druggies from the day before. Isn't it? Isn't it? Isn't it? That is the third story, friends. I love it. Just dumb shit happening. That's the way it goes in it. In it. That is the third story, friends. I love it. Just dumb shit happening. Yes.

That's the way it goes. Yes. Well, before we get out of here, we are coming up on the holiday season. I mean, it doesn't feel like we're almost there. I mean, we're into November. Lapkus is releasing a podcast. I just love that we talked about, and Lapkus, who lived in Chicago, I just love that we talked about all the Chicago places, sort of the fast food places.

I just love that we talked about all the Chicago places, sort of the fast food places. I love getting that inside view from someone who's there right now and probably knows all the best fast fish places to go to. And so we bring in our resident Chicago. Who brought someone with him today. Yeah, for the first time ever. It's Michael Kisik, the world's friendliest and loneliest TSA agent. Works out at Midway. Hey, Michael. Yeah, but out at Midway. Come on. Hey, Michael.

Yeah, but you brought a friend in the first time. Well, here's the deal. Here's the deal. You get to fly, right? You fly for free. Friends fly for free. You're on the TSA, right? And then they have windows of time where you can bring a companion or a friend or, in my case, a family member.

Oh, okay. Oh, okay. Just, you know, I was looking to get out of town. God forbid. It's the first time I've ever used it. I've never had anybody want to fly with me. You always forego that pass. You guys, I feel like you always have an open invitation for old MK here to come on out.

Yep, always. So I got my sis here. Sis, come on in. Say hi. She's so great. I can't believe you used one of your tickets on me. That was insane. I was just happy to have somebody sit next to you that I knew.

Yeah. You know when you're on a plane and it's an unfamiliar person next to you. You're like, what are they going to say? What are they going to talk about? We know what we're going to talk about. But what if you're in a row of three and there's that unfamiliar person between the two of you? Would that be a bad thing? I mean, I'm trying to make friends wherever I go.

It is open seating, and you're free to move about the country. Right. In the Southwest. It is true. It is true. You guys were talking, we got holiday season coming up,

so that's why I got to do my trip now. Because, you know, I try to get out there on a holiday. See, you guys can fly through Midway anytime soon. I don't know if we're going through Midway. Where are you guys going? We don't really have... We're going to Indiana.

We're going to Indiana. Indiana, you got to fly to Midway. You get a car, you go right there. You guys are a couple of OHs, aren't you? A little ORD action. Yeah, we are. We fly through the O.R.D. You like O'Hare.

Yeah, we do O'Hare. You can see it when you look at someone, know which way they're going to go. You can tell which way. I can tell you what kind of car they're driving. Yeah. I wouldn't even get her name. I would love to know her name.

Brenda. Brenda. Brenda Kissick. A little BK Boiler over there. That's right. A little Bird King. We do like a good fast food. Our family.

I love it. I tell you, these days, I tell her because sometimes she'll bring me food. Otherwise, I'm just eating a wheat toast. Oh, yeah. But she'll bring me over food. And I said to her, hey, you want to go on a trip? Thinking I'd get the answer I usually get. No.

No, I'm busy. I got family. Yeah, you do. She does not actually have family. No, but I say it. That's right. No, I'm busy. I got family. Yeah, you do. She does not actually have family. No, but I say it. That's right. I say whatever I want.

Because in the moment you're like, oh, sorry, I guess you do have family. But he knows. Yeah. So we hit up a lot of the fast food places

there in Chicago. We got good ones. You got Harold's. You got JJ's. You got fucking Baker Square. Baker Square. Baker Square.

What is that? What is that? Are you kidding me? A little chocolate silk pie right there? French silk. Yeah, fucking Baker Square. Baker Square. Baker Square. What is that? What is that? Are you kidding me? A little chocolate silk pie right there? French silk. Yeah, French silk. You get a nice chocolate pie with a chocolate shavings on top and some whipped cream. Oh, yes.

Not bad. I'll take the little shaving of the chocolate. I'll eat that first before I even dig into the pie. I might do that, too. I might do that, too. It's a kissing thing. It is a family thing, though. It's a kissing thing right there.

It's a kissing thing you wouldn't understand. He did that before he left. It's a kissing thing you wouldn't understand family thing, though. It's a kissing thing. Like my shirt. It's a kissing thing you wouldn't understand. I love that. I have a question. Do you guys have any specific Christmas songs that just the two of you guys sing? Yeah.

Like your family Christmas. To send us out on the episode today, I just want to hear just one little verse of a Christmas song. Which one do you want to do? Well, you want to do Jingle Bells? Okay. It's our own version. I can't wait to hear it. Here we go. Ready?

It's a warm-up. Let it out! Let it out! Get all the rough stuff. Well, it's a jingly Christmas jingly time. Jingly Christmas jingly time. I'm afraid of Santa.

Because Santa is never here to home. I'm afraid of Santa Cause Santa Is never here to hide He comes when you're sleeping And you never know what he looks like That's scary It's scary It's a jingly Christmas

Christmas A jingly Time It's right guys It's just like It's been a little while And it goes on Like that's where

10, 15 verses It's been a while Since we did it Well we haven't sung it Since we were kids It's kind of like Christmas together Since 88

Feels like you did 15 verses It's like the tangled Tangled up in blue Christmas song Maybe if you guys Start growing through ORD

Come down to NDW You know what I mean They just replaced The Potbelly With the Home Run In Christmas songs. Maybe if you guys start growing through ORD, come down to NDW. You know what I mean? We will come down to Midway. They just replaced the Potbelly with the Home Run In. Don't even. I was pissed

when I saw that. That was the number one selling Potbelly location in the country. I'm not even lying in your ass right now. I believe it. I'm not even lying

in your ass right now. She knows. Brenda, Michael, it is such a pleasure to have you guys on. I wish you happy holidays. We would do it after this. She gets one.

No, you guys. Come on. You were telling me about this Mendocino fat. No. With avocado and everything. There you go. I want a tray.

These guys know. All right, guys, this is Dumb People Town. I want to thank, of course, Michael Kissick and Brenda Kissick for stopping by. Thank Lauren Lapkus.

Check out her new podcast, which drops on Friday. And check out my old one with special guest Lauren Lapkus. Which we did, which we love so on the right TV. And check out my old one with special guest Lauren Lapkus. Which we did, which we love so much. Oh, and they're hilarious. Listen to that episode first.

Great concept where the guests come on and interview you. Yes. It is such a great idea. Fully improvised. Fully improvised. So much fun. And then watch her character episode

on her character special on Netflix. And watch her on Crashing and watch her in Jurassic World, which my kids love. And you were great on Animals, by the way, which is a show that's done out of here at Starburn. So, guys, have a good one. And holy shit, we've got to get back to work. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb.