Dumb People Town - Laurie Kilmartin - Throw Away The Plane

Episode Date: March 26, 2024

Comedian, author, and podcaster Laurie Kilmartin stops by as Randy explains how a gun that was fired at a White Sox game was hidden in a woman's belly fat, Daniel describes a Delta flight with maggots, and Jason warns against paying for McDonald's with fentanyl covered bills, and so much more! Thanks to our sponsors: Faherty and BetterHelp! For listeners of the show, Faherty Brand is offering 20% off your first order when you go to Fahertybrand.com/DPT enter the promo code 20DPT at checkout. Visit BetterHelp.com/DPT today to get 10% off your first month.

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Welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Kilmartin. We're going to Kilmartin this thing. Lori Kilmartin, one of our favorite comics. Amazing writer. We described this to you right before we started as like, this is the moment in the writer's room, because we've all been in writer's rooms, where everybody's like, start working you're like have you seen this crazy thing right now let's get into it

make a bunch of funny jokes and then they're like oh shit we gotta get back to work yeah so that's what we say at the end of this show oh shit we gotta get back to work before that we get into the crazy stories we'll talk about you have a new special which we will promote top a second segment can't wait to let people know about that it's's so funny. So our fans send in stories. You can do it the way we still do it is on. Do we call it X? I don't want to use a dead name. Is it Twitter? Whatever is the that people can tweet or exit us.

Me and Dan and me and Jay and Dan at Sky Brothers at Dan and Van Kirk. And you just send us the headline. And then that lets us know who said what, sent what and when. Perfect. So our first one is sent in by a guy who sends a lot in. And he's a wonderful guy, Matthew Friedman. At not your AVG, not your average Matt. Here we go.

And I wonder, like, I love this story. This happened a while ago. I don't know why we never did this on in our sports podcast. But it happened at a stadium, which is interesting. And, like, how it all got down and went down to me is what's the funny part about this okay it's not funny that this happened at all he said here is the headline gun fired at white socks game was snuck in via woman's quote belly fat now that's not nice wait a second she folded it she folded it over so going through a detector of sorts.

There's an entire like stream of TikToks of women, like bringing things into concerts and stuff, hiding them under their breasts. You know, I mean, why demonize belly fat? Like we say it like that. We're demonizing it. It's a pouch. It's a part of the body.

It's right. Exactly. Use what you have. It's God's fanny pack. It's God's a pouch. It's a pouch. It's a part of the body. It's right. Exactly. Use what you have. It's God's fanny pack. It's God's front butt. Nobody says like, oh, she only was able to lift that because of her muscles. We don't, that's not, she used her body in a way to achieve her goal. She snuck it in.

This woman used her body in a way to achieve her goal, which was gun concealment. See, I would, I would sneak in food easily. Yes. Try to a fountain drink if possible goal, which was gun concealment. See, I would sneak in food easily. Yes. 100%. Try a fountain drink if possible. Yes. A gun is very dangerous. I have sneak in pouches for that very reason.

They're plastic. You can go through any metal detector and you just fill them up with whatever your cocktail choice is. So when you get into the venue, you're not paying $11, $12, $15 for a cocktail. So the good news is this gunshot happened at a White Sox game. So there are no fans. Nobody there. I mean, if you watch the White Sox game.

And ricocheted around the stadium and just hit an empty seat. The fans who were there thought this is just another celebration. They thought it was a promotion. It wasn't a loss. Right. It wasn't the White Sox. Your buddy. Steve Dahl.

Steve Dahl did the death to Disco, that classic moment. Oh, right. Where they built a disco demolition. It was a radio promotion between a doubleheader. He hurt the BG's feelings. I remember that from the documentary. I'm like, that garbage. Odenkirk has been trying to make this movie forever.

He should. And it was 40,000 people came out, not for the game, but for that promotion. To take their disco records and burn them. And then they, Steve, he's so great. He is a wonderful guy. If you're back in LA, we should have him on. Oh, he's a friend?

Yes. No, it's fine. No, it's great. It's brilliant. Steve. She was being protective of the Bee Gees. Yes. Understandable. And I would as well. It's brilliant. She was being protective of the Bee Gees. Understandable.

Let's respect the dead here. Barry's still with us. He's still with us. I will say Barry may rest in peace. I know he's not dead. I just want to make sure that I see it. They had a demolition guy to blow them up. And I think quickly people started to realize we've got somebody who's way

too into the demo. Yeah. So craziness started a fire at White Sox fireworks. I remember when this like happened. Okay. So the investigation into shooting which happened a while back in which two women were

struck by gunfire at the White Sox athletics game. So, you know, there's even less people there. It's an A's game. Oakland A's. Honestly, if I wish we had the number for attendance that game, I would bet you it is 5,000. Yeah.

I was going to say it's under 6,000. So, at guaranteed rate field in Chicago. Terrible name for a field. Kaminsky. Right. Came to an almost unbelievable conclusion as to how the gun got into the ballpark. According to a report by Chicago-based ESPN 1000. Is that where you're from? That's Waddle and Sylvia.

Two sources close to the investigation said the gun was brought into the stadium hidden in the rolls of a woman's belly fat. I don't think you needed to say rolls. One roll. I agree. But rolls? Right. No. But you're saying one roll would be fine it wasn't

multiple guns it was one gun so you just need one one roll you need one roll one insertion one shelf that's all you need you don't need a pouch you will yes if you will yes a one flash envelope one flap down spin reporter peggy kaczynski said one of the women who was grazed by the bullet in the incident she was grazed by the bullet snuck the gun in past metal detectors so she was grazed by the bullet that she shot that she snuck in

did her own body shoot her oh maybe maybe like maybe it is sort of fitting when the body strikes back so many people in her family have said that to her. Diane, you're killing yourself. Literally. You're only hurting yourself by doing this.

I'm growing envelopes every day. That's what I'm saying. I'm working on mine. The report said sources claim the women, one of the women was wounded when the gun later went off. So it did. Set off metal detectors three separate times. Something bit me. Remember that scene from the, was that the professional?

Where she's through the wall and it hits a woman and then she goes, something bit me. She's this larger woman. I was more focused on the fact that this guy's like sexualizing a 14 year old woman, a girl. Wait, what happened? Oh, the professional. Right. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm just at the time, even though like it was not, it was not accepted. Natalie Portman. It was not accepted. She did that in like five movies. She was in beautiful girls. And you're like, yeah, her, her parents needed to, I don't know, step down a little bit. Just to deaccelerate the career or step in. Yeah.

We don't need more roles like this. No. Yeah. I just, I just remember watching that movie in the theater with people. i i was like afterwards i was like that was wrong right i'll be honest sorry to god it's we all feel icky right that's the only part of that movie i remember oh god i don't think i've ever even watched the whole thing he's like he's french no the only part i remember is that woman yelling something bit me yeah did you guys see the french version that the original i don't

know if it's the girl is older she's like legal maybe that's why you didn't see it but i did i mean yeah you know us not our thing laurie sorry welcome back to canceled people town security performs subsequent checks so she went through the detector. Yeah. Went off several times. Dude, they're just happy people are there. So we got to get rid of these hot dogs. She's like, it must be my audience. Right. She's walking through. Beep.

It must be my Apple watch. Beep. It's my bracelet. It's my shoe buckle, whatever. And they, you know, they don't want to search her. I'm sure they don't want to like feel her. It's not that invasive. I don't think it's that.

Anyway. So both women, and I'm not going to give you their ages yet we're wounded we're expected to recover from the shooting which is why we're doing this story i mean it is fitting that does it get into the part does it sorry to does it get into the part where like they don't tell anybody right like at the state like it was a gun went off and they know a gun went off and they didn't like say like hey evacuate yes or like we got we can't keep playing here we got shootings going off in the stadium I do want to guess there's a lot of confusion

do you want to guess their ages now sure okay let's guess the ages of these two women are they the same no they're not 36 and 37 36 and 37 how old do you think these I'm gonna go 48 and 51 48 and 51 okay 42 and 44 okay one of you has one age right but you ready for this is it like 37 and 9 So 48 and 51. 48 and 51. Okay. 42 and 44. Okay. One of you has one age, right?

But you ready for this? Is it like 37 and nine? No, it's a unique, like, I'm like, how are these women friends? But I kind of, 42 and 26. That's a little, right? Wait, which one do we think had the gun? So wait, I want Lori because Lori, I'm so happy you're here. Try to, you know nothing

about these women, explain the relationship of a 42 and 26 year old. Like how are they friends? How do they know each other? Who's giving each other what? The 42 year old is trying to start an online business and she needs a 26 year old to explain instagram to her right that's how i think and we got these two tickets that i won from the grocery store right yeah from the jewels yeah they're

gonna learn it they're gonna she's gonna teach her at the game they're not even gonna watch the game she's like see how people can tag this the team and then they show up on the screen it'll be very quiet and relaxing at the baseball game. The husband's like, why are you going to the game with her? She does my posts for me. It is weird being at a- Now roll this gun into my stomach. When you're at a stadium with that few people, it's like when you're on a quiet lake.

The conversations you can hear around- You can hear left field from first base. I have the attendance, by the way. Ooh! All right, let's guess. Let's do that at the end. We'll guess that at the end. All the attendance.

Do you want to guess the score of the game? Who won in the score of the game? White Sox did not win. No, they beat the A's. No, there's no way they beat the A's. Okay, what's the score, Jay? 4-1. What do you think?

I think A's 3-0. Okay, what do you think? I'm from the Bay Area, so I'm just going to go for the A's. A's, and give me a score. Las Vegas A's. 9-1. Okay do you think? I think A is 3-0. Okay, what do you think? I'm from the Bay Area, so I'm just going to go for the A's. A's. And give me a score. Las Vegas A's. 9-1. Okay.

I like that. That's not far off. 12-4. See? A's. A's. I told you. She was right.

That felt right when you said it. The less you understand baseball, the better you are at this game. There's certainly an A's white-size game in the middle of the season that no one's at. Police said a 42 year old sustained a gunshot wound to the leg. The 26 year old had a graze wound to her abdomen. Wait, so does that, I still

am unclear about who had it. My guess is it was. Which one do you think had it? In the 26 year old's abdomen. The 26 year old had it. It grazed her coming out. On the way out and then got into the leg. Yeah. Citing White Sox security sources. Why would you bring a like under what guys you don't understand the stories that came out as this

was happening at first. I think the White Sox tried to claim that somebody shot a gun from somewhere else and it the bullet went into the stadium and hit somebody that they were like in some high rise downtown Vegas guy or something yeah

like theories are rampant because they don't want to they said it was accidental but they don't want to say the gun got you know why they did that yeah they don't want people to think that their security missed it on the way in so chicago security sources wgn reported that uh the check of security footage yeah neither the uh injured women set off metal detectors so they checked the security footage and said neither neither of you set it off. John Malkovich, line of fire, plastic gun. The attorney for the 14-year-old. I love that the 14-year-old has an attorney.

And separate from the 26-year-old. I love them. They're not representative. Peter Francis DeRacy said that his client did not bring the firearm. So now throwing the 26-year-old under the bus. I don't care that she knows TikTok. The Chicago Tribune reported, she denies bringing the firearm to the stadium

and further denies having anything to do with the discharge of the firearm in the stadium. Again, all true. Did she even know she had the gun in her? That's possible too. It's possible it was planted by a boyfriend, an ex. She's like a Manchurian candidate. I've been listening to so much JFK

podcasts right now. Oh my god! I'm a little behind on that, but I started it. It's so good. Who killed JFK? Oh my god. It's such a web. It's incredible. Oh my god. I'm now insane. So, attorney John Malm said in a statement, per The Truth, we'll continue

investigating this matter further to pursue justice on the behalf of our client, who sustained serious personal injuries as well as his shooting. Alright. What? What? They dropped their cotton candy? Something bit me! Officials have said little about where the bullets came from or if someone brought the gun in the stadium

but Fred Waller, interim superintendent of the Chicago Police Department. Is that the most Chicago? Fred Waller. Interim. Interim's the most Chicago. No one's hired permanently. First of all, as you all know, I am interim. I am not.

Anything I do here today is not legally binding. You can't hold this against me. I've had that interim tag for about five years. I'm just trying to keep the raft together. Alright? That's all I'm here for. I'm a stopgap. Sir, do I smell alcohol in your breath? What you smell

is not irregardless of any dependency on my prohibitive action. We're talking about a gun. All right, so that's Fred Waller. He said one day that investigators have nearly ruled out the possibility that the shots came from outside the ballpark, like you said. We're dispelling a lot of things, Waller said,

during a brief... Yeah, dispelling, we're doing right now. The shot came from outside something. We've almost completely dispelled them. Alright, we're still looking at every avenue, it's still under investigation, something from inside. Yeah, I love this sort of... Can I just say, it's weird how the Boston

accent makes me horny, and the Chicago one just kills everything. Yeah, it's so funny the Boston accent makes me horny and the Chicago one just kills everyone. Yes. Yeah, it's so funny. It's right. Well, there's nothing we can do about it. She just doesn't know how to have fun.

That's her problem. You got to loosen up. I don't think. Yeah, there's sex in right here. It's like not sex. You know, we're made for eating and napping, right? You want to have sex? Go somewhere else.

That to me is like deep dish. Go to the East Coast. Go to the fancy East Coast. Have your sex, whatnot. Also, the Chicago accent sounds like you're telling someone a secret they don't want to hear. Let me tell you something. You dig into the deep dish. You dig into that over there.

You wait five minutes before you have the second slice. I don't know if Laurie wants that. You have your crazy sex over here. Come over here. I'll be the big spoon. Come on over and sit on my lap. Lap. White Sox defended their decision to continue the game.

I love that the White Sox are like, we got to finish this thing up. Yeah, we're going to keep playing. What else is going to go on? One gun? Keep playing. One shot? One graze? One reviving, receiving notification of the incident.

CPD responded immediately. Chicago Police Department had deployed additional services while coordinating with the White Sox. Security had to maintain the safety. They just kept playing the game. They kept playing the game. Which is so are those who are in attendance, which we'll do that at the very end. At no time was it believed that there was an active threat. The team announced after the game that a previously scheduled concert with,

you want to guess who the previous? Keep trick, my friend. You are not going to believe this trio. And I'm like, I can't. This is in my brain somewhere because I remember it, but I can't. So the team announced that after the game, the previously scheduled concert with Vanilla Ice, Rob Bass, Tone Loke have been canceled due to technical issues. No, that's a woman's gun in her.

I know you guys all wanted the Go Ninja, Go Ninja, Go, but we can't. It's not happening anymore. We can't do it. We got one goddamn graze and we shut the whole thing down. So the crazy thing about it is that. So the question then is is why would you bring a gun into the like under what a gun to a ball fight yes

I don't understand you want to be protected maybe but I just also it seems like it would be in an emergency hard to reach under the shirt stretch out yeah lift your flap. Get into the stretch marks.

All right, guess the attendance. So we're going to guess the attendance. Aaron has it. And I'll guess this. It's out of 40,000. It's out of 40,000 capacity. Right. But don't worry, guys. You don't need to go anywhere near that number.

If I remember correctly, this was like a Tuesday or Wednesday night. It might have been a Friday night. I say 5,450. 5,450. Lori, what do you think? I'll say 300. Alex? I'll take 300.

I'll take Comiskey for 300. What do you think, Dan? Because I believe it was a Friday night, I'm going to go 8,900. I'm going to go 13,100. Get your answers in, townies. Aaron, reveal, if you can, the attendance at that Chicago White Sox game. You guys are all a little low. 21-9-0-6.

Wow, so half full. Really low. It's a half full stadium. 21,906. The glass is half full. The stadium is half full. The stadium is half full. That is story number one. Daniel, you got story number two and we're going to find

out about Lori's special and all the stuff that we have going on right after this break. It's Dumb People Town with Lori Kilmartin. We'll be right back. Stick around. Make us down. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey guys, welcome back to the show.

Our guest is the great Laurie Kilmartin, one of our favorite comedians, a brilliant writer who understands immediately. If you just listen to the first segment of the show, she gets it. She understands what we're doing and is hilarious at every turn. Before we get into her special and how you can watch it, consume it, support it, and then see her and support her, we should tell you what we have going on. And I sort of, we're figuring out when this will drop. But if it drops before we go to Detroit,

we'll be at Mark Ridley's Comedy Castle. It's been so long since we've been there, like over 30 years. It was the first place we ever got paid to do comedy. We were at the University of Michigan and we just haven't been back because we've been doing Ann Arborist. But to our Detroit friends,

gonna show some love and go to Royal Oak. We'll be there February 29th March 1st March 2nd and then the beginning of April will be at Acme Comedy Company in Minneapolis one of the best rooms ever with our buddy Nate Abshire and our friend Wendy Mayberry she's going to be opening for

us who's so great any relation to Jack Mayberry I don't know but we'll check she's a great local Minneapolis comedian so So sweet. And then we're going to be at Moon Tower Comedy Fest doing all the stuff that we do. And then Salt Lake City. Salt Lake City. Jordan Landing in the middle of May. Superschoolers.com.

We'll be doing Taggets and whatnot over at Largo, which is really fun, which you should do that show. Dan has done it. Lori, tell us about the special, where people can see it. And if it's any of the stuff that you just did in that special we know it's like just good stuff oh i think i may have done some okay but i'm trying to it's called cis woke grief sled and um i love that title was not

taken the library of congress i mean i had to go.net, but whatever. It's on Apple TV, Amazon Prime, YouTube, and then like Google Play. You know, like the little lesser ones as well. It's great. Awesome. I love it. I'm very excited. Where did you film it? The El Portal Theater.

It was, you know, Comedy Dynamics, they did like 17 specials in four days. So I was one of them. Great. Yeah, it was cool. Oh my God. That's so fun. Who else did it on your day leah reddick and i think mary basmania it's her oh i'm messing up her last name it's armenian yeah uh but uh yeah and somebody else but i forget okay and you like the audience yeah the audience was great yeah yeah it was so fun oh my god all right check it out support it out and are you performing or are you doing any road stuff or you're just in town working and writing um i'm not really right i

mean i would love to write on something i'm not okay you hear that yes please make it happen um i will be at the lincoln lodge in chicago um march 20th. 21st through the 23rd, I'll be at Ann Arbor. Oh, Ann Arbor Comedy Showcase. It's one of my favorite places in the world. You know what? It's weird. I'm sending my daughter. Oh, really?

To Michigan? She goes to school there. She's there. She's there already. I'm going to send her to your show. Oh, cool. She'll love it. I think we talked about this, right?

Yeah. And I was just at the Comedy Castle. I, too, had gone 30 years without being there. I'm like, why? Did you have fun? You had great. Yes. Good shows. It's an, had gone 30 years without being there. I'm like, why? Did you have fun? You had great. Yes. Good shows.

It's an incredible room. Good shows. Great people. It's like an old school comedy club. That's right. Right. It's like a big square room with a high ceiling and like an old school big stage with like a door you walk through.

That's like an apartment door. Right. Yeah. And you come on stage and it's and you just crush in there because the audience is so present with you. Man, I'm so excited. I hope people show up to our shows. Yeah, they will. They will.

Yeah, they pack it in. It's great. That's so, so good. All right, we love that. Ann Arbor, go get yourself some Zingerman's when you're in Ann Arbor. Yeah, I know. I've got to.

So again, is it lauriekilmartin.com? Yes. Okay, wonderful. I love it. All right, Daniel, let's jump into the second story. Ready? And then we'll hear what you have going on in the next segment. Sent in by Alvin Katabay at akatabay36.

Who we met. Jay and I met Alvin Katabay. You did? We did, and we were in Portland, and we met Alvin Katabay. He came up to us, and he was like... No, his friends who were with him said, do you know who this is? And we're like, no, who is this?

How would we know who this is? It's like, that's Alvin Kadabay. We're like, the Kadabay egg? That is our favorite Easter treat. It's our favorite Easter treat. It's a delicacy. Open up the chocolate egg, and there is little Alvin. He was so wonderful.

I love it. You know how you do shows, and you take pictures of people, and then we're like, hang on a second, to the person. You got it. You need to take a picture of us with the catabay egg. Yeah. I love it. So I love that he said this.

All right. Ready for this? Yes. I'm sure we can all talk about experiences reflected of this story. Delta flight with maggots on plane forced to turn around. Shouldn't that be spirit air? I don't know. Are you Delta?

I love Delta. I'm sorry. I can't because they don't do non-stop LA to Chicago. It would be too many flights. JetBlue I like. JetBlue and Southwest. I love Southwest. Southwest we love. Delta we are

because we have the credit card that gets us into the lounge. So that's a very big thing. Also I'm flying back now that my daughter's in Ann Arbor and we go back to so you go to Detroit, whatever you go to Detroitroit it's all delta detroit minneapolis all delta yeah right yeah so i mean it's you know and sometimes you can get some other flights that are on delta but like yeah we very stupidly at the very beginning of our stand-up career did not just

pick one airline and say we're all going to do this so that we become like platinum members right no there's still time i think you would do it within a year. Just say, okay, Maria, Bamford and Jackie are heavy into Delta and are very elite. Yeah. I mean, Atlanta, it's like goes through Atlanta.

I mean, I would do it in her, but I think I'm going to end up, I might switch to American. Yeah. Okay. Here we go. Ready?

All right. But these maggots, that might be a game. Wasn't that a L. Jackson? I'm tired of all these motherfucking maggots on this motherfucking plane. A Delta Airlines flight scheduled to fly, not a common route, from Amsterdam to Detroit. You know the old Amsterdam to Detroit. That old route.

Maybe it's more common than we think. It could be. Literally a flight that was chartered by Eminem. I need some more weed. That old corridor? A Delta Airlines flight scheduled to fly from Amsterdam to Detroit turned around mid-trip after maggots were discovered

aboard the aircraft. An airline spokesperson confirmed that flight 133 AM How many hours did they tell the person to just deal with it? Were they over the sea? was interrupted due to an improperly packed carry-on bag. Without providing additional details into the cause of the discussion.

I would beat on this person. The spokesperson added that the customers were compensated for their inconvenience. You can't. How are you going to compensate? The aircraft returned to the gate and passengers were placed on the next available flight. Delta said in a statement. By the way, how happy was Delta that it's like somebody packed? It's someone else's flight. It's not their fault.

It's not our fault. It's not, it didn't come with the plane. I would put his face on the curb and curb stop. What did, I mean, what was Pat, was it a, was, okay. This is it. The airline added that the aircraft was removed from service for cleaning. Philip shot, S-C-H-O-T-T, a passenger from the Netherlands who was on the flight

told Fox 2's Detroit that he witnessed maggots drop on a passenger from a suitcase in the overhead compartment. So that person now can never be on a plane ever again. That's a phobia. That's the birth of a phobia.

Or the beginning of a superhero. She becomes maggot man. Maggot woman. But what was in that suitcase? Do we know? Yes. the beginning or the beginning of a superhero she become maggot man maggot woman but i need what was in that suitcase do we know yes what how what kind of stale food she needs she's like i am packing for a trip and i want to know i need i need to know how to go maggot free we're two sentences away this is still shot talking she's freaking out shot told the publication she was just trying she was just trying to kind of fight off these maggots. Oh, my God.

Now, that's a lot of... If you're in a fight-off situation, if it's you versus maggots, where you're like, I gotta fight these maggots. You're never going to win. It's like, I imagine the maggots all gathered in a maggot fist. Because three is enough for you to go, hold on. I'm out. Right? See, I'm always an aisle-seater, but this would for you to go, hold on. I'm out. See, I'm always an aisle seater, but this would send

me to the window for the rest of my life. To the windows, to the walls. Get these maggots off my balls. Yes, Dan. It's got to be ten, right? At least ten maggots. Oh, no. It's got to be like fifty. I don't really know what was going through

my mind shake them off and then you get them on other people i don't really know tiny at first and you know what they always are there so my cousin is a emt firefighter paramedic and what happens is a big truck stop in rochelle, Illinois, where I'm from. Shout out Rochelle. Yeah. And this happens, I don't want to say once a summer, but you don't go too many years without it happening. Someone, a trucker will die in their cab. Oh, okay.

And then unless they have like a GPS thing, it'll be a while before somebody knows like, hey, that truck hasn't moved. And so they've gone to where you've had to go into the cab. The person had a heart attack in their sleep. And my cousin, Kenny, shout out Ken, would tell me that there'll be nothing in there except for a person and personal belongings. And somehow there will be maggots yeah they're just my favorite they're just always around if you let anything sit for long enough just maggots they find their way to you will just show up there's a there's a one of those calls where you can like close everything into a jar make a little ecosystem in a jar terrarium yes

and and people will go there's nothing in here maggots showed up they just showed up in there yes so are they inside of us like are they this is research that i just have never done create the conception of maggots yeah death creates the birth of garth yes garth merengue's dark place yeah maggots i don't really know what was going through my mind. I was trying to process it. Disgust is one thing, of course, Schott said. We had to wait there for help to come. He initially believed the incident was a prank. Not a great prank. Here it is.

But flight attendants traced the insects to a passenger's carry-on bag, which contained rotten fish wrapped in newspaper. No. The passengers told the news outlet. So who the fuck? This is where I will beat that person silly. No. The passengers told the news outlet. So who is stressed? Who the fuck? This is where I will beat that person silly. Right.

Beat them into a pulp and be like, you need to learn not to do this again. Especially us comics, flying all the time. We've all had, who is eating that? Right, to even bring fish on a plane. I once, do you guys know what bonito flakes are? Any of you guys love cats as much as I do? No. Okay, so bonito flakes are like

little treats. You'll find them sometimes on shishito peppers. Fish flavored treats? Yes. Sure. They are extremely pungent. Yeah. They work well in certain types of Asian food or drizzled onto shishito peppers. But not sitting on a plane.

I was on a plane once. just had a bag of fish flakes okay it was just eating them and it was like them yeah just eating them you know what you could do when they're on shishitos but not by the handful and not in a little tube that we're all trying to like that fly across the country magg When did the maggots come? So the maggots came out of the fish bag. So this dummy. But like you have people go with pizza or you know food that they've got from whatever. I like my go to is I have

a Jersey Mike sandwich. It was open. His bag had to have been open. So you have to be like this is where they say whose bag is this and then the person has to claim the bag stand up and then everyone get one punch. Also they brought. Leg punch Also they brought If you think about the timeline they brought rotten fish onto the plane. Right.

Yeah it didn't turn over in the sea but it must it can't have been a suitcase with a zipper it's got to have been like a bag. Yes. You know that like not even a bag. Like a tote. Right a tote bag. Yes. And the maggots crawled out. Yes. And maggots crawled out. Oh, God. Yes.

Oh, my God. And then someone opened the overhead. Enough maggots for it to be a problem. Dude, this is in the maggot horror movie. The stewardess opens it up and they just all come out. Oh, my God. You can't handle this. Can you imagine that scene?

Flight tracking site FlightAware shows the plane only got as far as the UK before doing a U-turn and returning to amsterdam and you come back and it lands and it's just the whole plane has been stripped and been eaten by maggots runs off like the shell of the plane those they should not have been allowed in the airport like they need to go to a decontamination unit right to be you gotta have the silkwood shower exactly so i saw a video last week of two men getting into it on a plane. And the one guy just starts punching another guy. What?

And instantly you're like, well, you don't get to fly ever again. No. Ever. I wonder, does this qualify? Yeah. You lose your rights to fly. At least a year. A year?

I'd go a year. No, because it's like, hey, man. You don't know how to do it. Learn. You didn't violently attack anybody. You made a really stupid mistake. And you need to understand you can't do this. But he's from Amsterdam. How do you sue him?

Is he? Is he? I don't know. He might not be from Amsterdam. He's just in Amsterdam. Right. This could be our buddy Sam Richardson heading back home. A Detroiter.

After Sam Richardson. A Detroiter. A Detroiter. No, no. Could be. How? Okay, so it goes through TSA, tsa right right that's a great point too another thing there's people who let this happen movement in a bag that or just tsa going what are

you doing with fish what smells right wouldn't you see they're already rotten yeah what smells like shit in here get it out of here also there's a part of me that believes this person pulled one of those I'm going to put my bag far away from where I'm sitting. As I'm coming down, so they sat in 34 but put it up in 17? I hate that. Keep the maggots away. The whole row is empty and the overhead's

all taken. What happened? What are we doing, guys? Let it just out to the world. Hey, guys. What are we doing? What are we doing guys you literally just out to the world guys okay you open it oh come on are you what are we doing okay i'll look i'll find i'll look brenda brenda it's your tag okay no one's saying anything yeah nobody's saying anything so what happened passengers are permitted to travel with food including both fresh and frozen meat seafood and vegetables under transportation security administration rules in september unsent oh never mind this is like food, including both fresh and frozen meat, seafood, and vegetables under Transportation Security Administration rules

in September. Oh, never mind. Internationally, are you allowed to bring meat into a different country? There's no way to do that. Wildlife. Says you are. No. But that'd be within flying within the United States. But you're not allowed to bring apples into Washington.

You drive in and just state to state. They also have that thing between Nevada and California. apples into Washington. You know, you drive in and just state to state. So this is weird as well. I know. And they also have that thing between Nevada and California. Like petal sites. At this point, when you do that drive from Vegas, no one cares anymore. No one's checking.

They don't check. I don't know what this is for that we're still doing. Also, if you're going to Vegas for apples, you've done it wrong. I don't know. Have you seen apples dance? He is awesome. I mean, you can come back in with crabs. No, but isn't

that like, this is like, we're not this is, you know, straight up. We're not bringing COVID into this country. We're not bringing contaminated meat. It's going to create cow disease. You can't bring maggots into this country. No, we have plenty. We'll get out of here.

You throw away the plane, am I right? We don't need Dutch maggots. We like our American maggots. Try to bring me those Dutch maggots. Taking away jobs from our American maggots. A vote for me is a vote for American maggots. Homegrown maggots. These maggots come across our border every day.

Domesticated maggots. They come in people's hair. Mingling your maggots with our American maggots. Travelers who were delayed overnight because of the incident were compensated with hotel accommodation not enough a 30 meal ticket what a fish 30 gives take over a fish king and just for fun how many air miles how many air miles did they give people who were screwed over because of uh fish and maggots maggots falling on their heads Well, the woman who had it falling on her head, she should now own the airline. She was fighting off maggots.

She should become a gold member. I think they were like, here, take 15,000 miles. Not enough for a flight. I say 50. 50,000. 50,000? Yes. 25,000. They were given hotel accommodation.

$30. $30 meal ticket. Which is nothing. And 8,000 air miles. Oh my God. Fuck off. That is so not. That is ridiculous.

That's like $80. Lori's this. Lori goes, no. That's about as many maggots that fell on her head, right? Yeah. You should get more miles than maggots. More miles than maggots. Have we said that? More miles than maggots might be on her head, right? Yeah. You should get more miles than maggots. More miles than maggots. Have we said that?

More miles than maggots might be the title of this episode. I have a story about this on my app, so I'm not going to do the whole thing. But the thing is, is a guy was jerking off next to me on JetBlue, and they gave me a certificate for $100 off my next flight. That's not enough. They're not compensating us enough. I call that an unhappy ending. You're like, I didn't want to be a part of that moral high club.

That is like, I mean, did you call the person? You don't want to start anything. I want to see the special. Oh, it's not in the special, but I'm still developing it because it grosses people out. So I have to like calm them down a little bit. Pleasuring himself. You got to use terms like pleasuring himself. Yeah.

The Howard Stern on regular radio. Regular radio, terrestrial radio. I think you can for that. And then you're just like, God, this is just the audacity. Also the freedom. You were a little mad at like how free this guy was, right? And also the fact that he chose to do it.

Why can't I do it? How dare he? Enjoy himself. It's so much more harder for girls to do that. He chose to do it while I was waiting for them to pass across the aisle my apple juice. I had to wait for him to finish. Those were not maggots in my eyes, guys. All right, let's take a break on that.

Jay, give us a little taste of what we're going to hear. Someone gets arrested for going through McDonald's drive-thru, and it's because of how they paid. It's the weirdest. Okay, good. I love this. McDonald's shenanigans. McDonald's shenanigans on the other side of the break.

Lori Kilmartin is with us. She's got a new special. You can check it out on pretty much everything, Amazon Prime, Apple, and Google, and YouTube, and all that other stuff. It's called, one more time? CIS, C-I-S, Cis Woke Grief Slut. You said it not us I'm very excited for you

I'm very excited for it We come back We'll hear what Dan's got going on This is Dumb People Town With Laurie Kilmart And we'll be right back Stick around Make a sound

There's more Dumb People Town Gents It's almost spring Mm-hmm Father's getting warmer Love it Father's Day's never too far away Oh it's on the horizon. However,

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The movement chinos have become my favorite pant. This little sweater thing that I'm wearing is lightweight comfortable amazing i always get compliments on it we always get compliments on our ferrity clothes they have somehow figured out a way to create clothes that look good that are easily the most comfortable clothes you know what i love about their website because their brick and mortars are great too it met they're very good about matching what you're going to see they're very good about showing you texture and color like it doesn't come looking different and they back everything up

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again I know they've got a bunch of new movement stuff coming out Listen to one episode and you're going to get hooked. You'll be hooked for life. Get one piece of clothing for these guys and you're in. Again, I know they've got a bunch of new movement stuff coming out. The new movement sweaters are lightweight. They're great layering and stuff. But I'm telling you, man, the movement chinos, all their movement collection is incredible. I got a movement blazer that I wear. I wore a blazer the other day that we wore for that conference thing that I absolutely love. So here's the deal. For our listeners and listeners of this show,

we wore for that conference thing that I absolutely love. So here's the deal for our listeners. And this is the show. Faraday brand is offering 20% off your first order. When you enter the promo code 20 DPT at checkout, go to Faraday brand.com slash DPT. That's Faraday brand.com slash DPT and enter 20 DPT at checkout and check them out. This show is sponsored by better help. I want to ask both of you guys if, and I'll answer it too. If you had more time in your life, what would you do? What would you do if you had this extra time? Would you pick something up that's new, or what would you do more of? Oh, man. God, I don't know.

Yeah. It's overwhelming a little bit to think about it. I'd love to practice guitar more. Me too. That was one of the things I wanted to do. I would say surfing, maybe, or learning an instrument. Or another light. Yeah, that's it. I mean, you say to yourself, okay, these are things I'd love to do, but I don't have I wanted to do. I would say surfing, maybe, or learning an instrument. Or another light. Yeah, that's it.

I mean, you say to yourself, okay, these are things I'd love to do, but I don't have the time to do it. How do we figure this stuff out? How do we figure out how to manage our time? How do we figure out how to deal with the overwhelm of a lot of decisions to be made? Therapy becomes this thing. I think sometimes for a while, therapy had this stigmatism like, you go there if you have problems with your childhood.

Yeah, that's part of it but sometimes you go to therapy as somebody to talk to who's not in your inner circle but who can take the time to get to know you to help you sort out your life and figure yourself out maybe valuing or putting too much value on things that are not that important and therapy can help you help you release those things and and turn your life into the important things. So I love BetterHelp. If you're thinking about giving therapy a try, give BetterHelp a try. Okay? It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, suited to your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist.

And hey, switch therapists at any time at no additional charge. I love that. Learn to make time for what makes you happy with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash TPT to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash dpt. Stick around. Make us down. There's more about people town.

Hey, gang. We are back. I hope you guys are doing well and made yourself a Dagwood sandwich in the break. Daniel, let people know I'm very excited about the rose gold oh yeah my special slut grief player uh yeah rose gold comes out on april 17th please check it out uh go to daniel vankirk for all of my dates and you can watch my movie wine club which is still out there jump on how long is it is it a like a full feature yeah yeah yeah dan is the lead in this great feature oh my gosh so good you can get a watch on apple amazon prime and it's really

fun and i think people really love it so let me know if you watched it let me know oh yeah yeah this will be a doorway to many other things that you will thanks i'm working on some other projects right now because of it thanks amen so neat yeah uh danielvankirk.com there's dates and stuff where you can see me if uh i don't know if this is in march maybe i was in dc or uh i'm about to be um yeah just come see him live he's fantastic oh april 9th in la elysian theater the the celebration party for my special i will be there i can't wait yeah love it cool uh all, let's get into this. This is the headline. It's sent in by Derek, the legendary daddy at Game Design Dude. It's not Derek Lipkin, but it could be.

Game Design Dude. GDD. All right. I was arrested. This is the headline. I love a headline that's already. This is me. It's like when the cops pull up and the person's outside being like, now listen.

Before, sir, just get down. Like, this is a headline and it's like. I was arrested. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's already over explained. Here's what I did. Now you're going to hear a lot of stories tonight. Let me get in front.

I want to get in front of it. And make it worse. I didn't know the fish had turned. and make it worse. I didn't know the fish had turned. It was a good hell of it when I packed it into my carry-on. All right, so this could be a diary. I don't know what it is.

I was arrested after picking up my food at the McDonald's drive-thru. Cops charged me when they saw how I paid. All right, great headline, by the way. The man- Economy of words. This is how this starts the man earlier this year had been charged with assault among other charges what man where it's terrible right i was that from the i was that guy okay the i was a bad book after handing a restaurant worker the bill to pay for his meal. Eric Stack

to our... Who was cut out of Back to the Future. The original Marty McFly. E-R-R-I-C. Oh. Eric Stack. I'm not going to tell you how old he was. That's misspelled. I really think it's misspelled. Went through a McDonald's drive-thru in Oxford, Maine in March of

2023. He was reportedly falling asleep in the drive-thru, and when he pulled up to the window, he handed the worker a rolled-up $10 bill. The employee opened the bill when a white powdery substance spilled out, covering her hands in the counter. Baby powder.

Why is he asleep after doing cocaine? The powder was later tested and identified as what? I said cocaine. Cocaine, yeah. Cocaine, cocaine? I mean... No, you're asking. It makes me think it's...

Yeah. Anthrax? Do you think he was snorting it? I love where you're going, but... I don't know. Fentanyl. Oh, dude.

Dude. Stack... Why do you have loose fentanyl? Listen to this. Stack still got his order and left the restaurant. What? You're going to give him fentanyl? They're like, just take it. Please take your food. McDonald's will wash this stack why do you have loose listen stack still got his order and left the restaurant what you're gonna give him fend all they're like just take it please take your food mcdonald's we'll come

wash this off the worker both will kill you one little bit longer than it takes longer than the other the worker who police said was pregnant what no no can't give fentanyl started to feel sick after the interaction yeah what There's a baby in her. So she got it on her fingers. Fingers. And then she rubbed it into her gum. As one does. Guys, I'm doing drugs for two.

My baby needs it. I'm doing a bump from a bump. She was medically evaluated and doesn't have any lasting health concerns. Thank God. Police tracked down Stack the same day he went to the food joint. Is that what they wrote? Joint. But that's the only thing

they got right because it's not a restaurant. We've established this. But I mean, food joint makes McDonald's seem more fun. Food joint is a place that could exist.

Yeah. It's like calling a rap group a band. But this person is putting in their two weeks tomorrow. Whoever wrote this. Can I say a rolled up $10 bill doesn't seem as firm as like a rolled up $20?

$20. Even though it's the same paper. Tens are the most unused bill. Yeah, I mean a ten. Oh, but they always seem so old, right? That's what I'm saying. Whenever I get a ten. Yeah, they're hardly in circulation.

Oh, they have like the old numbers on it? Yeah. The skinny ten? Yeah. I mean, it's just not a good place to store your fentanyl. That's all I'm saying. If you've learned anything today, it's that place to store your fentanyl. That's all I'm saying. If you've learned anything today, it's that don't store your fentanyl and higher bills. They charged him with aggravated assault, reckless conduct with a dangerous weapon,

unlawful drug possession. I mean, so he was falling asleep. He did this. How old? We'll get out of here on this. This is a quickie. How old is Eric Stack? 32.

I mean, 25 to 25 25 i think he's 44 okay eric with the fentanyl addiction i just think he's like this is where he couldn't stay awake and there's something weird about i just think he's like getting past the prime here it is get your answers in people okay uh check out laurie's special yes sis slut yeah check us out live where we are go see her in ann arbor see us in detroit go see dan uh and see his movie and watch the special eric stack with two r's who handed fentanyl to a pregnant woman at mcdonald's-by. Can I change my age? 19. Wow, you undercut me. I said 25.

I said 32. Randy, you should stay where you were. Eric Stack is 42 years old. 42 years old. Level up. Don't be living this life. Not at any age. And also, 42 years ago, people were misspelling names. That seems like more of a modern thing.

Yeah. That's right. So it's good to know that people were screwing it up back then. There you go. Show friends. Lori, thank you so much for joining us on the show. This was so fun. Thanks for having me.

We'll have you back. Love it. Oh, shit. We got to get back to work. Peace. Stick around. Make us down. There's more Dumb People Town.