Dumb People Town - Lewis Black - Sex Toy Story

Episode Date: November 22, 2022

This week Lewis Black comes back to town to hang with Daniel, Jason and Randy. The first story is all about teens partying too hard. The second story is a sex toy nightmare. The final story is about a man in a balloon.

Skypains Avenue Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population U. Population Black. Lewis Black. black welcome back how are you buddy oh every day is better and better i'm thinking as the election comes closer and closer i don't know when we're going to be on you know the the podcast universe but uh i have never watched people it's so joyous to to joyous to have voting in this country. Because all the people, that's the only people that totally come up to me and go,

what do you think? It's going to be scary. The world's going to end. No, you're going to, you know, you have no idea what's going to happen. And then it's not, you know, it's like, what is the matter? Why do we have to do this to ourselves? I agree.

That's why we do this podcast. Just to have something where it's light and dumb and goof around. What is the matter? Why do we have to do this to ourselves? I agree. That's why we do this podcast. That's why we do this podcast. Just to have something where it's light and dumb and goof around. We are stepping away from the apocalypse to just have fun. Not necessarily kind. And talk about dumb behavior. We'll talk about what you've got going on, Lewis, in a moment, in a segment. But first, let's get to a dumb story and let's break it down.

Ready? I have the first one today. Let's do it, Daniel. I love fun dumb. Just fun dumb. Okay. Here we go. Sent in by Shana at yourfavteacher100.

You are F-A-V, teacher 100. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, Shana, a teacher, sent this in. Hopefully on school time. I hope kids were- Yeah. Shana, what's our homework?

Hang on, kids. I got to send in a dumb story to a podcast. Okay, good. Okay, here's the headline. Teenagers broke into Florida mansion to throw party and fight. Here's my question. Guys, we're going to throw this party, and then we're going to fight. Was that on the to-do list before?

Sure. You get the kegs. You bring the brass. Louis, in your life, have you ever been in a physical altercation fight no a fistfight thank god have either one of you no no i never dance together we fought with each other yeah but i've been in a couple um not enough to make it a thing yeah it's why we get into comedy it's what allows us to that's what i used to do there were especially around the time when they start sixth seventh grade yeah yeah you know i i was hanging out with a couple of friends of

mine from my neighborhood and they were the the girls who were older than i was who were hanging out with guys who were older than i was and they always were trying to pick a fight with me and i would do jokes while walking backwards perfect to fuse the situation that's how you exact that was a defense mechanism beautiful the old backpedal joke well the story here florida police are hunting for a group of teenagers i don't know that i'd use that word hunting yeah it's really not the word no little predatory doesn't end well hunting is okay if you're not in a state with open carry. Sure.

You want looking for, searching, in search of. Hoping to find. Hoping to find. Hoping to find is great. Hoping to find is so. If I say authorities are hoping to locate. Right. Why is that so difficult to write?

Florida police are hunting for a group of teenagers who broke into a multimillion-dollar mansion to throw a raucous party and a fight club. Let me ask this question, Lewis. Is it Phil Collins' mansion? Because Phil Collins' ex-wife, she won't leave the mansion. He's got a $42 million mansion in Florida, and she won't leave. She's squatting in there with her new boyfriend and she will not leave is that real that's real she like how does he know that because he can't get her out of there i think he wants to sell the house but you can't sell a house with a

person in it how do you know that because i think the rest of us know it are you seeing her are you her boyfriend are you the realtor? No. I'm just trying to list this house, you guys, on Redfin. On Redfin? Yeah. All right. So clearly-

Which, by the way, was supposed to be Redefine, and no one called it that. Really? Yeah, that's how it became Redfin. It was supposed to be Redefine, and it became Redfin. Yes. That was their original plan, and everybody was like, no, it's just like the Pina Colada song. It's not called Escape. Nobody cares.

It's the Pina Colada song. But here's the question. These teenagers definitely cased the joint. That's my thing. How do you know? They're like, no one lives here. No one lives here. They kept coming by the place.

We should throw a fight club in here. Right. I think they said, we should have a fight in here and then someone's like well let's make it a party too following a noise complaint in the early hours of last saturday police from the walton county sheriff's office were called a facebook post said florida mansion i always feel like they have a lot of space if you're getting a noise complaint from the next mansion over... There's usually a lot of space between mansions. That's loud, right? Yeah.

Although most... Wow, I can't believe... I can't get over the fact that you want to have a party and a... What is the fighting? That element to it seems like too much. Although most partygoers had fled the scene by the time police arrived, they had posted evidence of the party on social media. The videos show a raucous party attended by a crowd of teenagers at the house near Panama City, northwestern Florida.

They included footage of two boys furiously fighting each other with boxing gloves on as the crowd of young people filmed it. So this is an actual scheduled fight did they bring the boxing gloves or find them in the house and then well let's fight in the foyer in the foyer i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i have no business partying in a mansion i don't even know evander holyfield's like bankrupt mansion i know that's in georgia but still yes you never know yes that's unbelievable i here i've got a great uh kind of a side story to that love it a friend of mine and i we were in a couple of other guys we would eat we would go after you know some sort of a thing in high school and go to this mcdonald's on the way home when When McDonald's was really, it just opened,

so it was like it was the greatest thing that had ever happened. Right. Sure. And their fries, I didn't care if you ate their fries and it went right into your heart and blew it up. It made them different now. But we went there, and then this car came up, and this guy was bouncing the car door off of our car.

And then my friend got out. It was his car. And he said, you better stop that. He said, well, you want to fight? And he said, and then my friend said, yeah, we're going to fight. But here's what we're going to do. We're going to wrestle. And instead of fighting. And he went, what? We're going to do. We're going to wrestle. And instead of fighting,

and he went, what? We're going to wrestle. We're going to do two out of three rounds. We're going to do three rounds. No way. So he had a whole plan. Once someone starts organizing the fight, I'm scared.

But also wrestling, of all the things. It's literally the dumbest. It broke the spirit of the other guy. Of course. Because the guy's like, it was too much thinking. He was ready to fight right away, and now you've got rules involved.

Oh, Lewis, I hope he didn't stop. I hope he was like, you have 90 seconds to pick your walk-up music. I already have my walk-up music. You can enter from over there. You'll get 12 seconds between rounds. You can have water only. Do you have a

cut guy? Your friend flooded him with information, which is really the best way to do it. We get two points for reversals, one point for takedowns. Do you have a finishing move? If you have a finishing move, you have to declare it. Wait, did they wrestle? No, the guy to declare it. Wait, did they wrestle? No.

It blew the guy. The guy was so pissed. He got back in the car and they drove away. It kind of really did the number on him. He ruined it. And my friend went on to become a tenured professor teaching. He's a socialist economics professor. Oh, my God.

It's also perfect for somebody who wanted to wrestle that's right yes he was wrestling with the economy he's wrestling with capitalism right now um so the social media all the kids filmed it right also boxing gloves both if both if two people are wearing boxing gloves at a party at least you it would not be my scene but at least you would know they both want to fight. Right. No one's getting surprised. No one's getting sucker punched when everybody puts on gloves. Right.

Yeah. Right. Sanction. They're both like, well, yeah, let's do it. Did you guys ever do that? Have you boxed? Yes. I've never done that, but Gary Shanling, when he was a few years before he was, you know, a few years before he, he, he was,

he would box a lot and Alec Baldwin boxed all the time. I mean, that's just. Peter Berg. Yeah. With him. Yeah. Huge into that stuff. We bought boxing gloves when I was a kid and we boxed in just kind of,

you know, for fun, not like to have a fight, but basically to kind of learn it. And I'll tell you something. I got hit in the nose, and that was that. I took the gloves off and said, fuck you. We're not doing this. You guys can go ahead. That hurts.

The one outcome that is supposed to happen, you got that and you're like, I'm done. It is very logical though, right? Like, why would I keep doing this? The second it feels bad. Very logical. This is a recreational activity. Now it feels bad very quickly. I'm not doing anything.

I'm done. So the kids are fighting each other. They filmed it. That's how they know about this. And that's how they know what the box he matched on and stuff. The images show teenagers toying with the owner's property, including wearing several expensive-looking rings, playing music, and relaxing on recliner chairs. Not that much of a rager.

No, but still, if you're in the guy's ring collection. I agree completely. But it's not like it included throwing lamps against the wall, setting things on fire. They're sitting in the recliners wearing costume jewelry. This is the problem with Florida. You got people who come down there for a few months every year. They don't live in the house. Same with the Ozarks.

That's right. They don't live in the house for six, seven months. Don't leave your stuff down there. Walton County Sheriff's Office employee Carrie Dobradina Dobradina, I tried told USA Today that an estimated how many teens attended the party, so I'm going to ask you guys to guess

Louis, you are a guest, you can go first or last whatever you want, but how many people how many kids do you think are in this multi-million dollar mansion in Lazy Boys wearing pinky rings and boxing it's uh somewhere between 16 and 28 i'm gonna go the high side if you're gonna break in so 28 28 jason i think there's like 120 kids there okay i think there are 400 kids there okay i think it's just a rager okay

an estimated 175 kids. Wow, Jay. Very good. That's crazy. Now, here's the thing I'm going to say, and I thought this right. Go ahead. A lot of Barker loungers. Yes. A lot of lazy boys. It's a mansion. They've got seating for everyone. When I got to this point, I thought to myself, at 175, I'm going to guess there are at least 50 kids at this party that do not know they've broken in.

Right. They think they're just at a party. That it's someone's house. Because they've come late enough and the people are all there and they don't realize that they've... They don't even know that this is a break-in party. They know that it's a probably disrespectful house party. Right. When's the last time any of you were at a there's too many people here house party?

I'm telling you right now. Not broke one up. No. My son, 14 years old, came to me last Saturdayurday he's like can i go to this party and i'm like who's sure whose party is it give me their number and he was like it's a party that was posted on instagram i was like no no you're not going to that i'll tell your son i will take him to all those parties i'm like just call me i was like yeah dan will take you i'm like you're gonna this is what i told him you're gonna end to end up in Mexico without a spleen.

I said, someone's going to take your spleen. I'll take you to the party. Dan will take you. Dan will take you. That is great. He did not go? He did not go. We put our foot down and we said, uh-uh.

But see, that is the type of deal. He could have shown up. And not known. And not known. It could have been a break-in. That's what I'm saying. I bet someone posted on Instagram and a bunch of people came came but if you are at a party and there's organized boxing inside a house even if you even if it's not a break-in leave right dan we've told you

this story about how we went to a party back in the day we were in minneapolis we were doing stand-up it was we were at the acme comedy club which i'm sure lewis you performed at and we were having a great weekend and our friends were in this band, and they're like, come to this house party tonight. Our friends are tearing down the house the next day. So we can just go to the party, and we walk up to the party, and it's like the animal house party. As we're walking to the front door, we see a football come through the front window.

Window shatters. So we're walking in the party and people are like having drinks and then elbowing, like shoving an elbow through the wall and kicking through doors. And I mean, they demolished it. I mean, we all did it.

We all like, Jason, it's going to get knocked down tomorrow. Turns out these guys, turns out, this is how you know you're in the wrong, but you didn't know. We didn't know. Turns out is a bad phrase right yeah yeah turns out turns out the people who were in the house didn't realize that they decided not to tear down the house right they were just renting the house and they did about fifty five thousand dollars worth of damage to the house oh my god

to this house that then they that you You mean they, you mean you. Not me. I mean, I put a foot through a door once, but I don't know. But it really, I will say, in the moment it was really a fun party. I bet. You're in the mob mentality. Yeah, you're in mob mentality. So that may be what's going on here. Okay.

I hope the statute of limitations is up on that. I hope so too. Because if there's a reward, I'm turning you pricks. First time I made money on one of these podcasts. I'm turning you into two of my pals. Ruining a house in Minneapolis 22 years ago. It was about 20 years ago.

I hope your son hears this episode. An open house party is against the law. An open house party is in a home you break into is burglary, the sheriff's office wrote on Facebook. Apart from the damage caused by the item stolen, it's a complete violation of someone's home that you can't put a price on. The feeling when you know someone went into your closet, tried on your clothes, and used your bathroom doesn't have a dollar amount attached to it. I'd say it does, but it does feel horrible. The message continued. The sheriff, also they were just kind of cosplaying as this family.

The sheriff's office ended the message by requesting anyone with information about the party to come forward. If you were there, this is a quote from our buddy, if you were there, Doberdina said, or know someone who's there, or were invited, or knows who circulated the flyer for the party,

yes, we know about that too. You are asked to come forward. It had a flyer. I feel like they have all the information here. Like, see who posted it on Instagram and go after those people. Go to a printing company in town and go, did you guys print this flyer? Who made the flyer?

Yes. And also, you've got all of the security footage. Yes. I'm sure. Who's the flyer? Yes. And also you've got all of the security footage. Yes. I'm sure. Who's the first person in? Who's the first person through the door? Dober Dina told, and I'm saying it wrong every time, told USA Today some of the teens in the videos had been identified, but no one has been charged. Quote, most of them are under the age of 21, and even if they didn't think that house was burglarized, they knew they shouldn't have been there.

The owners were out of town at the time of the party. We'll get out of here on this. And the Blackwater Street home is listed on Zillow for about how much money? They rounded. You know it's a multi-million dollar mansion. They rounded.

75. Lewis, you can go first or last. Whatever you want. You can go second. You can go TIG if you want to. We're in Florida? Panama City. Near Panama City. Take 12% off. Yes, fair.

That's fair. I like your assessment of this whole. How many millions do you think it is, Lewis? I'm going to say 16. 16 million. Jay, what do you think? Panama City, though. It's like, yeah, but this feels like a big house.

I'm going to say $9 million. Okay. I'm going to say 11 million. One of you is only one off, so you all get the option to go up a million or down a million. Lewis, you want to go $15 or $17? I'll go $15. Okay, Jason? $10.

Okay. $12. All right. We'll get out of here on this. Story number two is going to be provided by Jason Sklar. Plus, we're going to hear about everything that Lewis is up to. But I can tell you first that the Blackwater Street Home slash party slash fight club is listed for $8 million.

Jason, you're so close. Look at you. Look at you. You know, it's becoming more and more suspicious. It really is. He knows how many people are there. He knows. He's very close.

He has a history of this type of all right I was there and then he knows what the house costs I think it's it's a setup this is bullshit last time I ever appear on this program I think there's some shenanigans occurring

a word I never had to use yeah now we're shenanigans let's take a quick break. When we come back, we'll do Jay's story, and we'll find out what Luce has got going on in this dumb people town. Don't go anywhere. Stick around.

Make a sound. There's more dumb people town. Hey, guys. Think your job stinks? Well, just wait till you hear what it was like to be a funeral clown. A what? Daniel.

A funeral clown. And you've dug ditches in your life. Dan, you've done a lot of things. Long before all human knowledge was in your pocket, people had some pretty bizarre professions. Luckily, you don't have to see a sin eater or barber surgeon now, but you'll find out what it's like to get surgery with a shave. Wondery's new podcast, This Job Is History, is hosted by Chris Parnell from Saturday Night Live and Rick and Morty.

Steeped in factual history, this brilliantly funny podcast delves into the quirky and absurd jobs of the past with hilarious interviews that are infused with fascinatingly true Easter eggs. So come and get weird with us each week as improv comedians from the Groundlings and UCB act out their old-fashioned gig from another time. You'll be glad your guidance counselor didn't recommend any of these jobs.

How much do you love Chris Parnell? I love him so much. Anything he does. Clock in and follow This Job is History on Amazon Music, Apple Podcasts, or listen early and ad-free by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app. Hey, guys. Welcome back to Dumb People Town. Before we get into all the great stuff that Lewis is doing, I'm not sure when this is

going to come out. Probably in the next couple weeks. Soon, in the next week or so. So if it's in two weeks, then Randy and I have already been to Rochester, but we will be going to Alaska the second weekend of December. We're doing three cities. It's a really cool tour. Come see us if you're up in that area and you're a fan of ours.

Dan has some shows coming up yeah if this drops on the 15th um i'll be in houston this weekend headlining the come and take it comedy festival and doing a live pen pals with my buddy rory scoville plus a hub city bingo comedy show and raising money for no kill animal shelters big brothers big sisters and food banks all that stuff's happening go to danielielvankirk.com and hopefully I'll see you soon. Superscleros.com for us. If it's after that, just keep up to date. Lewis, right now we're talking to you

from the ACL Festival, but what can people catch of yours and where can people see you? How can our people support you? After the 15th, I'm in Englewood, New Jersey, I think, at the end of that week uh that friday englewood and new brunswick so the englewood performing arts center and then uh in new

brunswick the uh i can't remember the name of the place but it's uh it's a good one and then uh i kind of come on down to uh uh i'll be in florida in december i'll be in Florida in December. I'll be in. Go check out this mansion. Well, I'm going to Panama City because it's $8 million. Now that it's a low ball, I can rent it out as a bike club. Make your money back. Rent it off. Write the trip off.

So can they go to lewisblack.com? Yeah, lewisblack.com is the easiest because I'll be in Sarasota, I know is the last one, and the Hard Rock in Orlando and all the way down West Palm at the Kravitz. So this is what I'm going to say. We've watched you for the last 30 years. We've watched you do comedy. We've loved it the entire time. I will say there is a need right now for what Louis Black does on stage. It will scratch a deep itch inside of you.

And he taps into all of our anger about – it's very similar to this show. It taps into sort of an anger about the stupidity with which this world attacks politics. So you have, and I've seen a bunch of clips of you have an iPad on stage, and people send questions in. Is that beforehand, and you sort of pre-select them, or they come your way, and then you answer them? That, to me, is some of the funniest stuff. Well, it started as questions, and now it's full-blown rants that they write. Some of them write it. Some of them they write. A number of them were written right that evening in the audience.

Amazing. Incredible. And I read those. They know that I'm coming. So some are written beforehand. I try to do if it's not from them, some people from the state knowing that I'm coming right in. So it's all centric. It's all centric. It's like tonight it'll be the Austin show. Tomorrow it'll be the show that I'm doing will be the Dallas show,

then the San Antonio show. Unless something comes in like I had a kid write in about, you know, how he felt that adults were screwing him over and they were idiots, which is great. It's so good because it gives you first of all it gives you a chance it gives them a chance to hear you deliver their rant in your voice and then you get a chance to answer it what at what part of the show do you do that do you do that in the middle at the end when i do it i do my show so i do like a 60 65 70

depending on you know i think i've had a breakthrough and then uh and then i come back literally i leave the stage grab the grab it um uh jeff stillson who now loves jeff he comes back out he opens the the uh the rant cast and then i come back with it we've been doing it for six years and i love it it's a live feed that goes throughout the world. And so at 10 o'clock at night or 11, depending on where you are, like for you guys, it would be tonight. It would be 8 o'clock if you were watching. It would come out.

You could watch it on your phone. You could watch it on your iPad. You could watch it on a computer. So where can people watch it? LewisBlack.com? Yeah, go to Lewiswisblack.com and then what they'll do is if you want,

you sign up and they'll basically ding you. Oh, that's cool. When it's starting. Oh yeah, you guys, everybody sign up for this

because it'll make you so happy. These are some of my favorite clips that I come across is you sort of going through these rants. And the crowd loves it. Will you please tell Jeff Stillson he has one,

and I think this was him who did this joke. I think it's him. This is one of my favorite jokes ever. Back when I was a page at CBS. So I was like seating audience at Politically Incorrect. And I believe he was probably writing for them. And he also did the warm-up.

He and Danny Vermont, who used to be Danny DeVito, they would do the warm-up. He did one of my favorite jokes ever. to be Danny DeVito, like they would do the warm up. He did one of my favorite jokes over, you have to tell him this, about going to see Superman at a theater in Times Square. And he's like, this was the most New York moment. Do you know this

joke, Danny? And it was so simple and it makes me laugh to this day to think about it. So please impart this to him. He's like, you get in and it's like everyone's excited to see it. He's in Times Square, which back in the day wasn't Disneyfied. It was the old time square that you and i know and jay put something on the line to go down oh yeah we saw pulp fiction at midnight there in 94 and we thought we were terrified coming out at two in the morning so he goes in and there's a balcony in this theater i

forget which theater it is and he says the the music starts coming up in the play and the movie's starting and then from the left side of the theater, someone yells out, it's a bird. From the right side of the theater, someone yells out, it's a plane. And then from the balcony, someone's like, it's your mother. It's your mother. Most New York thing ever. It's your mother. And I was like, that is.

Three random New York people who banded together to form like a temporary sketch comedy group to form a super. It was so funny. And the way the way he told it always. And I heard that joke many times because I seated many audiences and he did the warm up. It crushed every time. Will you please tell him how much I love that joke? I think about it to this day, nearly, you know, whatever, 30 years past when I used to hear it in 1995.

What I might do is tell him to watch the beginning of my act and I'll open with it. That would be awesome. That would be awesome. Where did you hear that? I was at that show. I was at that show. I was at that movie.

Oh, God. So good. All right. Let's get into a second story, Jay. All right. This is sent in by Matthew Friedman. Thank you, Matthew Friedman. You're an average Matt. And it's AVG.

AVG Matt. Okay. This is the headline. Okay. Avalanche of sex toys. Already. Already. Already.

I mean, is that- That's going to win an AVN award right there. Is that the way we describe a bunch of sex toys? This is the X-rated version of the movie Toy Story, I feel like. Avalanche of sex. Or Force Majeure. This is the best version of Force Majeure. Dan, have they done a sex toy story?

Sex toy story? Sex toy story where it's two people? Well, Sausage Party, right? That's food, but obviously that was like a grungier, dirtier version. You've got a friend in me. It takes on a whole new meaning when it's a dildo talking, dirtier version. You've got a friend in me. It takes on a whole new meaning when it's a dildo talking to a fleshlight. I've got a friend in you. Avalanche of sex toys spill out onto highway.

There's a snake in my butt. Well, in sex toy story, everyone's named Woody. Yeah, 100%. Oh, my God. You're talking to a guy who was in a Pixar movie. There probably is Axel Braun's Sex Toy Story parody. Oh, God. He's like the main guy for that.

Avalanche of sex toys spill out onto highway after truck flips over. Wow. It sounds like the truck's flipping over to be in position for something when it comes to sex. Countdown to one of us making a dropping your load joke. Folks, video of what appeared to be sex toys and

tubes of lube spread across a freeway. I mean, that's a slippery situation. Dawn dish soap. You're going to need to break down that. The smell of that, it'll be like Astro Glide adopted that highway. But just also, that really could fuck up the surface of that road. I mean, if it's that much lube, tons of lube. It makes it a lot easier to get on that, get in the highway.

Not change lanes, though. That's right. Hey. And that's your new Astro glide i'm sorry entering and exiting are these lanes wider to me i feel like they has the shoulder expanded i've never moved so well through here we're getting through in record time honey i actually want to come back and go back on anyway uh i i can i can only drive that freeway once i have to wait till tomorrow come back and do it again i really can't do it again tonight all right sex toys and lube tubes loose right across the freeway following a truck crash

that has gone viral on social media thank god that's the only thing going viral the incident took place uh on Highway I-40. I wonder if that's the same I-40 that goes through St. Louis. So I-40 is a St. Louis highway that runs east of it. Well, near Mustang on the outskirts of Oklahoma City. I think that is the same highway. Yeah, you're headed that way. Yeah, you're headed that way.

On Wednesday, a box truck and a semi truck collided, leaving the latter overturned and some of its contents scattered over the road. Fortunately, nobody was injured, but authorities were forced to close several lanes when the mess had to be cleared up. Video shot from a helicopter by a woman. Nobody was injured, but one woman was incredibly pleased. You can't salvage any of that either. It's like produce.

Once a sex toy is in the air, it's been on the ground. Yeah, it's like produce what are we gonna do with all these cucumbers get rid of it right specifically uh i don't think a dildo should have gravel on it no not unless you're into that if you're into that who are we lew? Let's not be gravel shaming. God. Wow. You guys crossed the line there. We did. We really did.

You'll get nine letters. Imagine the Google results if you search gravel play. I don't even want to know what that would be. Do it. No, don't do it. News 9 showed a large number of boxes. It might be disappointing. And phallic-shaped items spread across the highway.

Yeah, no shit. Yeah. In the footage, reporter Jim Gardner. Wait, hold on. Could you imagine if some of the sex toys, you know, because they have, like, asses and torsos and boobs. Like, somebody shows, like, oh, my God. There's bodies everywhere.

Oh, God. Yeah, they would think that it was, like. There's arms. There's, like, this guy's just, it's still balled up in a fist. His hand is still. He couldn't handle it. Tim Gardner, who was in the helicopter, said, this is a semi that overturned and lost its load here.

Okay. We knew that was coming. Also, this is what they fired up the helicopter for. How much money would that cost? You're firing up the helicopter for a fucking rollover semi it's to get these jokes in he said uh there's a lot of stuff to clean up and then jim said let me get a towel no that's not what he said that's not what he said warm towel get a wash get a warm towel whose joke was that i have no idea someone we were joe that's how you show

somebody you really care who was it it's a female comic said that like some guy for her like warmed up the water that he put on the towel to bring back after sex and she was like that's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me uh a station like and that guy ruined he's like she's like he ruined me for other guys to marry this guy right like if someone brings me a cold towel i'm like why do they not love me why don't they care for sure yeah stay tonight station anchor asked jim can you tell what he's carrying there what's all over the road they know they know they're just egging them on they're like i'm in this local news job this is my only joy for a year let me get into this uh i mean because

lewis you know we you've done it i'm sure you don't have to do it anymore but back in the day when you were doing comedy clubs you you'd go on the local news. Can you imagine if this story... If they break into your segment promoting you at Acme in Minneapolis to say that there is an overturned semi of sex toys, to you, you're like, everybody leave. Yeah. You guys take off.

I got the next hour. I got the next hour. And come see me tonight. Exactly. I would have had a half hour. Of course. A new half hour. Yes.

It's like going to heaven when that stuff would happen. It's going to comedy heaven. Like AM Northwest in Portland would let you, Helen would let you do that with her. Those guys are great. She's the best. They're great. And then the anchor asks, so now they're playing with each other.

And the anchor goes, Jim, can you tell what he's carrying there? What's all over the road? Camera zoom in for a close-up shot. Jim then says, we're zooming in. Not really. I can't tell. Maybe you can tell. So they're both trying to get each other fired at this point.

Right, right, right. Say what it is, Jim. No one wants to say it. You say it. I can't see it. I'm in a helicopter do you think they really are and i'm just genuine do you think they really are worried about saying sex toys on air i think they're worried about showing them or lewis what could you say adult adult toys

adult fun adult fun yes adult toys some of them are extremely realistic again like i of course go ahead you could also say it's uh there's apparently a you know a variety of instruments used by monkeys for for sex play right you take it out of the adult community and they were taking it to the zoo yeah they're not having sex so that they're taking it to the zoo. No, they're just playing with it. But again, if dolphins have sex for pleasure, they're going to incorporate this into the show. We need to get these orangutans to mate.

SeaWorld. So I obviously outed myself showing brand loyalty by mentioning AstroGlide. Sure. I think if one of the anchors is like, I see a rabbit 2000 down there. If they start to identify, I don't know. I'm making up names.

I don't know. You just start going through the Doc Johnson catalog. Pleasure chest. Oh, look, it's an obedience chair. And I see six anal intruders on the side of the road. Sorry, Jim. 11 gimp balls have rolled up onto the shoulder. All those beaded necklaces seem to be broken.

They came out of the back of the truck. All right, here we go. Clip of the news footage posted on Twitter was widely shared as of the printing of this article. Receiving how many views? All right, Lewis. The whole time I was trying to figure out how much it cost. We might get there. We might get there, too.

How many views has this thing received on Twitter? Oh. The footage of the... Do you want me to guess first? Go ahead. Louis, you can go third. Think about this. I think 325,000.

325,000. I'm going 1.2 million. 1.2 million for Dan Lewis. What do you think? 875. 875,000. 875 or 8? 875. 875,000. 875 or 875,000. 875,000.

Okay. Get your answers in at home. Shout out your ham radios, whatever you're listening on. But this was widely shared, receiving 3.9 million views. Dan, you were right. You were right, Dan. It's Twitter. It's an accident.

It's sex. Something negative happened to a guy. It's confluence of everything. Well, it was retweeted by Barstool Sports, who just called it like it was. But then it's off. Right. It's off the rails. No.

Now you give the hint. Right. So there you go. Sorry. A tractor trailer full of dildos and lube flipped and spilled all over a highway. That was their headline. Sure. Perfect.

That was their retweet. They got right to it. No puns. I appreciate that. That's not clickbait. That was their headline. Sure, perfect. That was their retweet. They got right to it. No puns. I appreciate that. That's not clickbait. That's dickbait. There we go. Okay, Oklahoma City.

Clipbait. Hey, police department confirmed toys had been spilled on the highway by the crash. They didn't give further details. Twitter users saw the funny side with one tweeting, if you're a male in Oklahoma, you may want to take this opportunity to splash on some brute, iron those wranglers and hit the town. Might be a gaggle of lonely women popping up places. All right.

That's fair. Oklahoma City Police Department and Oklahoma Highway Patrol have been contacted for comment. Vibrators may be beneficial for women's health, according to a study. Why is this in the article? It's good. Any sort of sexual pleasure can be good for your health. Which posed the question whether it's time. Any sort of sexual pleasure can be good for your health. Which posed the question whether it's time for physicians

to start prescribing the devices as treatments. That's what they did in like the 30s. That was like a whole thing. That's in this article. They said that? In the article. Not in the Barstool article. This was written in 1941? This is back when women had hysteria and they were like, oh, come over here, just rub

this between your legs. Gals, get out of the kitchen and into the bedroom with one of these. No, it's terrible. I don't understand. There was a whole play on Broadway about that. Yes. What was it called? Specific thing. God in heaven. Damn Yankees.

Lost in Yankers. Lost in Yankers lost in yankers do you remember like three or four years ago we might have done it on this show a armored truck like a bank truck somehow the back opened up while they were driving on the 5 towards San Diego and all the money started coming out the back

and everybody went nuts and started grabbing. I wonder if people were like... Just picking up a few. Let me grab a couple of those. It's still in the box. It's still in the box, Lewis. It's still good. I'm going to throw one more out there. Guys and blow up dolls. That's fair. That's a good one. I love it.

I love it. Well, there you go. That's the story. Story number two. The color purple. Daniel, come on. Stop. I've got the third story, and I'm going to give you a little- Give us a tease about what it is. Okay. This is, you know, we've all done things where we've gotten a little out over our skis.

I love Randy's teases. We get a little out over our skis on things, and there's usually a way to bring yourself back, but what if there is no way to bring yourself back? That's what we're going to be looking at. That's Randy's thesis. Did you just describe the movie The Abyss? I want to. When Dan teases a story, he's just like, we got a story about a dumb bartender.

We'll be right back. So fine. Randy just gave a whole dissertation. Man in a hydrogen balloon accident. Hey, both were great. Don't doubt yourself. Don't change. Don't listen to Jason.

That's my story after the break. Louis Black is our guest. We love it. We'll be right back. Stick around. Make a sound for more Dumb People Town. Hey, townies. With the bustling holiday season just around the corner,

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I'm ready. Chinese man gets trapped aloft in hydrogen balloon for, and we're going to figure this out later, for a certain amount of time traveling, and we'll figure this out, a certain amount of miles. Is this all in the headline? Did he just tell you the whole story? Here's what he was trying to do. He was trying to collect pine nuts from a tree.

Okay, hold on. He's in a hot air balloon? Hydrogen balloon. So the hydrogen balloon was the guy, instead of a ladder. So there was a guy back in the 60s, and then they redid this jump a few years ago. A guy, a skydiver, who took a hydrogen balloon all the way up into the atmosphere. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then-

Stratosphere. And then he jumped off from that highest height, like up in space. That Red Bull guy did it. And then the Red Bull guy redid it. That was like even higher. That was even higher. But this guy, I mean, in like the 60s, maybe 69 or 70. Do you know who I'm talking about, Lewis, who did this thing?

Way back in 1970, I think, and he landed in the desert. I mean, he sky dove and free fell for like six minutes or something. Unreal. It was unreal. I always feel like people like that it's kind of half suicide because they're kind of like if i don't go if i don't make it i went out in a blaze of glory you only do those sort of things if you don't care if you live right on some level so so but if you start putting hydrogen in a balloon you're just going to keep

going up you're not gonna be able to get i feel like people treat the same way of like getting involved in a relationship with uh johnny depp all right listen this to be able to get pine nuts. I feel like people treat the same way of getting involved in a relationship with Johnny Depp. All right. Why do you need a hydrogen balloon for a pine nut? This is sent in by Matt Friedman at NotYourAverageMatt. Wow. Double dipping. A-V-G Matt. All right. Chinese state media.

You know it's going to be true. You know it's reliable. Right. No filters. Facts only. Right. Says a man has been found safe after he spent how many days we'll just start asking right now aloft in a hydrogen balloon how many days found safe so that means they had a search are they located we could still be in the sky how many days was he found did he fly in this balloon god i've been so wrong i'm gonna say 45 45 i'm gonna say nine days dan i'll try and split i'll go 17 all right get your answers i think i made this it's gotta be like six two days okay

two days all right two days fuck them right fuck them come on that's not a story after it became unearthed and flew so he had tethered it to the ground. Because he only wanted it to go tree high. High enough to the tree. It's not a horrible idea. I don't know how you get down. Using it to harvest pine nuts for a tree. Don't they have like, you know, Lewis, you lived in New York City and you know New York City.

Like they've got the claw in the Korean deli or the deli where they can't reach it. You're like, I need a thing of toilet paper. And they've got a broomstick with a little handle on it. Or like oranges and lemons. They've got those. Yeah, they should have a pine nuts. Someone developed that anyway. That's why they gave us ladders.

What the fuck is this? Agreed. This man identified only by- He really just wanted to be in a hydrogen balloon. Yeah. And he found a way a workaround so this to me feels like we're going to start a whole new avid and costello bit okay the name identified only man identified only by his surname who okay who's up in the hot air balloon i don't know who that's what i'm saying who who what'd he do he went high? He went high. Who? Who went high? Who? High? Who went high? At a partner.

We're collecting pine nuts. And a partner, Clayton, on Sunday in a forest park. So he had somebody with him. Yeah. His name was Hao. In the Yang province in northern China. When they lost control and the balloon set off. The other person, this is the smart person, jumped to the ground.

Oh, they were in it? Yeah. Someone else. They saw it starting to get up and break away. This is a big key to life, knowing when to get out. Okay. Knowing when to leave the house party.

Dan. Knowing when your friends are, and you're like, you know what? You guys just dropped me off right here. Knowing when to get out of the cab or the Uber. Two wrong turns, just get out.

Randy dropped an accounting class that I, like a dummy, stayed in for the whole semester. There you go. He knew when to get out. He knew when to jump out of the balloon. Knowing when to get out is crucial to life. This feels like, again, a children's book.

Who went high? I agree. You said that. Who went high and how? You know, the other thing is that I wish, since it's a Chinese story, that he was trying to grab a giant's nuts. Yeah. Sure. that's right. The nuts off the giant that was invading the building. Which is why he was gone for two days.

By the way, the balloon who's sounds like Bob Mould's band before Husker do. To Lewis's point, if this happens 80 years ago, 100, 200 years ago, it does become a fable. Yes. It does become, and then there's all these other things that incorporate into that. It could be Yao Ming's origin story. Why not? They said rescuers were able to contact the man by cell phone. So he had his cell phone up there.

Please tell me you live tweet this whole thing or do it Instagram. Following morning and instructed him to slowly deflate the balloon to land safely. It took another day. No shit. Before he reached the ground about how many miles? We won't end on this. How many miles did he travel before he reached the ground? Two days slowly going down.

So what do you cut a little slit and you just kind of, yeah, you release certain air so it goes down. So you don't want it to go down super fast. No. Thank you, Randy. Two days as a bird flies, I'd have to think that's far. Okay. But he's not necessarily flying. He's going up.

By the way, as you're thinking of this, think about this. Who was in good health apart from- Who was? Who was? He. He was. Who? He. Stop it. All right. He was up in the plane? No. Who was it? He. He was. Who? He.

Stop it. He was up in the plane? No. Who was? That's what I'm asking. Keep going. I can't do this with you, sir. No.

So who was in good health? I'm never coming on this again. Apart from the pain in his lower back. Dan, you're part of this thing. Possibly from standing the entire time he was in the air. So he stood for, like we said, two days. Two days. How far did he travel?

I'm going to go 36 miles. Lewis, what do you think? Well, I'm wrong. Good, I think. You're going to get this one on the nose. I feel like you're going to get this one on the nose. I feel like you're going to get this one on the nose. I'm going to say 45 miles then. I'm going to say 110 miles.

Get your answers in, Townies, because this guy reached the ground 200 miles. Oh, my God. I told you. That is a trip. You get up there, man. You're moving. You start to go with the wind. You go with the jet stream.

I'm not good at, is it geometry? But, you know, 100 feet up, every two feet you move, you've actually moved like 60 feet on the ground. So the higher you get anyway. I guess who had to take an Uber back? I don't know. A Uber. Stop.

All right. Who took the Uber? He took the Uber. We look over, Lewis just logs off of Zoom. Lewis logs off of all. And cancels his show tonight. And cancels his show. Changes his number.

Oh, God. Anyway. And then the next thing I know, because I know that you lied about how far he went. And I'm going to get one of those fucking hydrogen balloons and see how far I can go. Don't do it. Don't do it. Well, that is it. It'll be called what? Yeah. There you go. Don't do it. Look for pine nuts. Well, that is a... That'll be called what?

Yeah. There you go. What is he doing? All right, there you go. That is the story, you guys. That's the show. What a wonderful show with the great Louis Black.

Again, follow him, louisblack.com. Go see him where he's performing live. What you can do, though, if he's not in a city... Check his dates and then around,

check the timing of the show and about an hour at the end. Or sign up. It'll ping your phone and let you know when he's doing it and it'll let you know when he's doing these things

where he's reading the rants and responding back. It's really one of my favorite things to see. Check it out. Sign up for it and we love you so much, buddy. Thank you for doing the show with us.

It's a lot of fun. I enjoy the hell out of it. You guys feel great. It's always a pleasure to see you. I love it. Oh shit, we gotta get back to work stick around make a sound a podcast network down in Stump People Town.