Dumb People Town - Live From SF Sketchfest 2023 with Kyle Kinane , Robby Hoffman, & DJ Eva

Episode Date: February 14, 2023

Kyle Kinane, Robby Hoffman, and DJ Eva join us live from SF Sketchfest to play a round of "Which Florida Man Are You?" (based on their birthdates), Jason tells the story of a couple who got handsy while in line for a ride, Randy explains how a scammer posed as Bret Michaels to get money, and Daniel plays a round of "What Did We Get Stuck In Ourselves in 2022?" 

Dumb People Town. Yeah! DJ Eva! Beautiful. Hey townies, welcome to a live episode of Dumb People Town. Population you,

population all of us, Eva, I love that you're here. You've listened to the show, now you're in the show. I'm in the show. Are love it. Now you're in the show. I'm in the show. Are you rocking our merch? Yeah. Check it out.

6 p.m. is the 3 a.m. of day drinking. That's a fact. Go home. If you started at noon and it's 6 p.m., go home. If it's 6 p.m. and you and your drunk girlfriend decide to break into a zoo just to mess with the tigers, go home. It's 6 p.m. You're going to throw up in a potted plant.

Go home. I'm feeling attacked. I'm feeling attacked by this, but I'm still going to wear it. If it's 6 p.m. and you're riding a mechanical bull, you've had all. Go home. Did I close out? You're talking to a parking meter, man. You didn't close out.

Go home. Or come to my house. So, Eva, I love that you brought the bell, which is my favorite thing ever. So, Eva has a bell, and I met her at Burning Man. You went to Burning Man? This don't know if you guys know. You went to Burning Man. This is the first I'm hearing about this.

He never brings it up. The sweater brings it up. I'm volunteering as tribute, by the way. I also brought... Your sweater's great, too. Your sweater looks like you have nine magazine subscriptions. Thank you. And three ashtrays and no one smokes.

Your sweater looks like it whispers the words black people. Black people. No. So Eva had this bell and when I met her at Burning Man, which I went to and I don't know if you guys know this. Oh, I didn't know that. That's so cool that you went to Burning Man. Do you guys know that?

That happened. We were at, she was at a karaoke tent and I was singing karaoke and every time someone did something good or cool, she dinged the bell right there. So anytime someone would do something cool, she dinged the bell, which

I thought was like, what a great bit to do over and over again. And I just, every time someone sang a great song or did a good version, I was like, this is amazing. Then I got up to sing and I was really fucked up. I got up to sing I Can't Go For That.

No Can Do. And by Daryl Hall. Daryl Hall. He's from Philly. He's from Philly. Swallowing himself. So I get up to do that, and all of a sudden, out of nowhere, not asked by me, two Dutch people, I believe, or German came. Let's make them German.

Let's make them German. Yeah, fuck it. They were German. They also, one of them was wearing a cape. One of them was wearing a cape. At Trax. Nobody asked for that. They were German. They also, one of them was wearing a cape. One of them was wearing a cape. At Trax. Nobody asked for that. At Trax.

Came up and stuck. When I saw a guy in a cape, I literally said, I can't go for that. Thank you. So they came up and they started to sing backup on my song, Uninvited. Fuck yeah. So they've got the microphone and I'm singing I Can't Go For That and Eva's watching me as these people are behind me and I just gave

them a look like, what the fuck was my look like this? She saw my look and dinged my look. Wonderful. So the bell is here tonight. If anybody says anything that is fantastic or great or anything happens that's a high degree of difficulty, Eva's

going to ring that bell. So that's we're part of that, right? Ooh, hell yeah. Should we bring them out? Should we get them rolling? Are we doing her first? Let's do them all together. Okay, Jay, you want to bring them out? Here's the deal. We have guests on this show. It's not just me, Randy, and Dan.

This is Sketch Fest. This is high level of talent. Are they back there? They'll walk out. They're going to hear us saying their names. Get ready. Get ready for the guests on our show. I might have to literally walk off this stage. Jay has traded the awkwardness for them not being ready for the awkwardness

of this moment. Jay, you getting them, Jay? Randy's sweater says that he's framed three maps in his house. That's what his sweater says. That's not a bad design. I like that. And I framed one globe.

Isn't that weird? It was a shadow box, guys. It made sense. Jason is terrified that they're not there. Although I told him they are on the steps. Were they on the steps? They're there. They're there.

Okay. Okay, Jay, introduce. All right, our first They're on the steps. Were they on the steps? They're there. They're there. Okay. Okay, Jay, introduce. All right, our first guest is a hilarious comedian. When did we meet her? On which show, Ren? Which show were we doing that she was hilarious on? It was at JFL, right? It was at JFL.

It was Black Shark Tank. Oh, God, it was so funny. She's not black, neither are we, but it was a great episode of Shark Tank. Yeah. Give it up for one of our favorite thanks for the bell comedians Robbie Hoffman

yes yes that is the correct response to cheer wildly yes our next guest is I don't even have to stand but I'm doing this out of reverence for this gentleman you're probably out of frame

he is seriously one of our dearest friends I don't even have to stand, but I'm doing this out of reverence for this gentleman. You're probably out of frame. He is seriously one of our dearest friends in comedy. We recently hung with him in Nashville. He had a show. We had a show. Oh, that was a great night. The best part of the night was hanging with him afterwards. The best part of the night was going to get shitty tacos and then all of us hoping that Kyle would not cross the street while traffic was coming.

I was like, ladiesace Dillon, he survived that street and he's here tonight. Kyle Kinane, everybody. Kyle! Look at him. Look at this beautiful man. I love you, buddy. Picture of virility and health. Ding the bell, Kyle.

There it is. It'd be good if there was a coffee table here. Yeah. I survive all them streets, dog. I wear jewelry now. That's right. Remember when you did try and cross the street and were like, this is a dumb idea?

Oh, he's not going to make it. There was one moment where I was like, Kyle, do you still have the gout? I asked you that. You did have the gout. I had it a few weeks ago. I think it's cool that did have the gout. I had it a few weeks ago. I think it's cool that you had the gout. I think it's weird that you make MCs list that as one of your credits

when you do stand-up comedy. You might know this guy from Gout. If people don't think you could walk and then you show up walking, people get excited. Yeah, you're right. You're starting ahead. Yeah. You love the surprise.

Is Gout still happening? Yeah, Gout is still happening. Oh Oh yeah, gout's still happening. And how? Gout was not... I got the allopurinol in my dap kit to prove it. Gout and shingles? What's next for you? Gout and the mumps made a great comeback

this past year. Dysentery. If possible, I would love it if we could have our own logo thrown up here behind us because we are going to have some photos including one which is the Florida Man Name Game Do you guys want to play the Florida Man Name Game?

Oh, this is the Florida Man Name Game Ooh, look at us Look at our logo Look at us, dude That's us sitting and falling into a dumpster fire Yeah We can throw up that Florida Name Game pick Look at us, dude. That's us sitting and falling into a dumpster fire. Yeah. We can throw up that Florida name game pick. There we go.

There we go. Which Florida? Robbie Hoffman? Yeah. I love Florida. I have your... The way this works is everybody... That's not it.

Nope. You can go right back to where you were. We'll get to that later on. Let's go back. We'll go right back. There we go. Don't worry about that. Oh, jeez that later on. Let's go back. We'll go right back. There we go. Don't worry about that. Oh, jeez.

Come on. Also, my mic keeps going in and out, and I would love for it to be a bit that we do, but I would also like it to not happen. Tell me what you'd like. If at any point we need to stop it down to switch this out, everybody's cool with it. Most of all, me. It's like when Dan was a bouncer at a bar. Go ahead.

That's such a dad move to give your kid the good mic and you take the shitty mic. Well, we'll switch back because I'm going to do most of the talking here. But you need a good one when we get to your story. No, no, no. Give me the ice cream cone that fell on the floor. I'll eat that. So would I.

Yeah, exactly. I just realized this. So would I. Yeah, exactly. I just realized this is Florida. I thought it was a gun. It's Florida. It is. It's both. It's Florida. Okay.

Robbie, everybody has a birthday. Your Florida man is what Florida man did on your birthday. Wait, everybody has a what day? A birthday. Oh, okay. I thought you said a perfect day. I said hold up. Hold on. No. Okay. Everybody has a birthday. Everybody has a birthday. True. day? A birthday. Oh, okay. I thought you said a perfect day. I said, hold up. Hold on.

No. Okay. Everybody has a birthday. True. Everybody has a birthday. I have your birthday as December 2nd. Is that correct? Yeah.

Same day as Britney Spears. Oh. You guys are always getting mixed up. People are like. They are. They are. I got a great figure. Oops, you did it again.

Okay. In large clitoris. You ready for the headline? Yeah, I am. It serves me very well. Are we just dinging if we're just excited? Yeah. He's got a semi now.

That was what they call a labial ding. I'm not sure of the rules. Neither am I. There are no rules, Kinane. Just get in. That's right. Robbie, would you like to hear the headline for what your Florida man did on your birthday?

My foreman? Florida man. Do you want us to turn up the monitor? No, you're my... You know what? You speak... You know when somebody speaks without moving their mouth? No.

We don't realize how much we're actually mouth reading. I think a lot of people don't realize. So when somebody doesn't move their mouth, you're losing a lot. Also, you should turn up your miracle ear. Okay. Yeah, exactly. Okay, so my Florida man. Is Florida man a thing

or you made it up? You're your own Florida man right now. That's what's happening. What? Can I ask you? Your dialogue is from Clearwater. What would it change for you? What is a Florida man? What would it change for you if it was a thing or if I made it up?

Well, because then you could explain it. If it's just a man from Florida, I'm like, is it my uncle? Who is it? Maybe my lips weren't moving enough because I did explain it. Okay, go through the question. This is easily the most confrontational this show has ever been. Ever.

It's moments like this where you understand that Robbie has nine brothers and sisters. I don't feel safe being between Dan and Robbie. I can only get more fun. Alright. I'm the only girl here, so you don't feel safe. Imagine the bukkake.

What about Eva? Eva, right behind you. I can't confirm. All right. All right. But I got you. Ring the bell. I don't know how she identifies.

Okay, go on. Florida men tend to do crazy shit. Good. Some would say they do it every single day of the year. All of us have a day in which we are born. We are going to find out what a probably man did in Florida

on your birthday. Fine. We don't have to. We don't need to. I just watched a guy pull a bike grip off a handlebar with his teeth in the mission district. There we go. We don't have to. We don't need to. We don't have to. I just watched a guy pull a bike grip off a handlebar with his teeth in the Mission District. So maybe we need to take it easy in Florida once in a while. He didn't get caught.

No, man, it's the Mission. They're doing whatever. Did it happen on Robbie's birthday? Then it's not relevant. I lived in Florida a year. I lived in Florida when I was a child for a year. It wasn't great.

My father was trying to live off my grandfather at the time. But the weather was terrific and we stole some bikes. So it was panhandle. How did you get the grips off? Ripped them off. Do I get a picture of the Florida man who did some shit? No, you just get to hear the headline.

Give us the headline. Headline for Robbie Hoffman. Birthday, December 2nd. Florida man arrested for stuffing beef tongue in pants at Walmart. Okay. To which I say, Walmart is selling tongue right now?

This is veering anti-Semitic because Jews do eat tongue. They do eat tongue. Okay. I've had a delicious tongue sandwich once. It's pricey, so stave up. Here's the story. The land police say

44-year-old Jason Puckett was charged last week with misdemeanor theft after a Walmart security guard spotted him slipping $35 worth of beef tongue into his waistband. When the guard confronted Puckett at the store's exit, Puckett denied stealing

the packages and said he put them back on the shelf. But the guard told authorities Puckett then removed the tongue from his pants. The guard is such an arc in pathetic. If you're stealing tongue, believe me me you need that tongue Let him have it Walmart isn't stealing

Taking anything from Walmart Is free for all Which piece of meat could you steal Where they would look the other way I would say By the way if you said $35 Of tongue I would guess that's about 8 pounds of tongue, right? I think that's a lot of tongue.

That's a lot of tongue. Ije, Eva, I have your birthday as October 15th. Would you like to know who your Florida man birthday is? Desperately. Here it is. Headline is this. Florida man gets settlement after officer thought donut glaze

was meth. is this. Florida man gets settlement after officer thought donut glaze was meth. Oh. A Florida man was arrested in 2015 after police mistook donut glaze in his car for meth. He received a

$37,000 settlement. Why was he keeping donut glaze in little plastic bags? That was sus. Dan R notes on that. Dan Rushing, pulled over, 65, was arrested in December 2015

traffic stop when a cop saw flakes of glaze on his car's floorboard and thought they were pieces of crystal meth. Dude, flakes of glaze would be the best name for an indie rock band ever. For sure. Have you seen flakesakes of Glaze? They're opening for the shins.

It's my favorite train song. How did they even see this? It was after Drops of Jupiter. How did they even see Flakes of Glaze? They're cops. They toned in on it. It was donut pieces. Either way, it should be a new donut

that they offer at the donut shop. Flakes of Glaze. I agree, I agree. Also, can you smoke those? Yes. I will tell you this. I have a 14-year-old son. We have not bought donuts for decades.

I am convinced there might be Flakes of Glaze in his bed right now. I agree. And I should also mention my in-laws are in the house. Okay. Flakes a glaze. Kyle Kinane. Yeah.

I have your birthday as December 23rd. You know it. Okay. Here's your headline. There we go. And your Florida man. Here we go. Florida man arrested for handing out marijuana, quote, because it was Christmas.

There you go. The best. It could have been me. That's right. Police in Pinellas County say Richard Ellis Spurrier was distributing to, quote, several individuals. The 67-year-old man also had a small amount of marijuana hanging off his right shirt sleeve. Just for later. That's mistletoe, dog.

If you're under it, you do get to kiss somebody. Spurrier later admitted to police that he was passing out the marijuana, quote, because it was Christmas. Spurrier is facing a felony charge of possession of marijuana with the intent to sell or distribute. Here's my favorite part. And my favorite part of your Florida, man. Officers also found a hidden sword in his cane. Oh, God. All right.

If you have a cane that doesn't have a sword in it, take it from me. I have gout. And also, the aforementioned sword cane. Those are your Florida mans. That's crazy. I love it.

Is it me or is that guy handing out the weed for Christmas earlier and earlier every year? Every year. It's an earlier thing. By the way, is weed not legal? What's happening with that? I agree. Florida. I mean, is weed not legal? What's happening with that? I agree. Florida.

I mean, is it legal in Florida, weed? I don't know if it's legal to distribute it at an elementary school. It's a peninsula, and the good ideas only have one way out. How gay do you have to be to arrest somebody for weed at this point? It's like there's other ways to come out. That's true. That's true. Amen.

So many. All right. It's gay to arrest people for weed? I think so. At this point, it's like, what are you, a narc? Shut up. Thank you. To which a cop would go, yes, I am a narc.

We are narcs. I literally am a narc. It says so on the back of my windbreaker. Literally, I'm a narcotics officer. I am a narc. Literally. All right, well. Let's go back to the logo because we're going to do story number one.

Who has story number one? Jason has story number one. How big are your feet, dude? I wear a size 14. God damn. Well, I'm actually a size 8, but I wear a size 14. Hey-o. Dan likes to have extra room.

I like the room. All right, you guys ready for the headline for this first story? Yes. Couple charged with engaging in sex act while waiting in line

at Cedar Point. Wait, what's Cedar Point? Cedar Point is an amusement park. Oh, whoa! I almost said roller coaster store. These lines are too fucking long That's right

You know what else is long? Right here, motherfucker Oh Which means it's long here right too What do you want me to nut on the coaster? We were trying to have a baby This is our window I'm depressurizing the cabin If we're swirling around

We're going to have a boy That's what we're trying to do here I didn't realize I was already on Splash Mountain Heyo Thank you Whose in-laws are here? Yours or his? Mine, that is a really fast pass

Swipe them through It had to be from behind, right? Come on, Daniel. Well, if he's really big, he could just be holding her when she's tired. That's right. And a little bit of a, you know. Rocking her to sleep.

Did you know? Yeah. He knows. Hang on a second. I'm sorry, sir. Are you trying to burp your wife? Yeah. I'm sorry. Hang on a second. I'm sorry, sir. Are you trying to burp your wife? Yeah. I want her to be holding her like a koala.

We already both have herpes. If I don't do this, she won't fall asleep. So creepy. She was tall enough to ride that ride, though. I will say that. The fact that he had her in a Bjorn, that also added an element of weirdness to it. Whatever gets you off.

All right. Sandusky, Ohio. I'm sorry. That's already an issue. Sandusky police arrested two adults like they had to say adults because of Sandusky. They had to be like they were both adults.

They're adults on charges of public indecency after officers say they were involved in a sex act while waiting in line at Cedar Point Friday evening. Look, guys, we know the lines get long. Right? What are you going to do in all that time? It's always worse when they say act.

Just say sex, because then when you say act, then we all get to just imagine. Action. Because it could have been an H.J. It could have been so many other things. They were involved in sex. I know what that is. Sex act? We don't know.

It could be anything. Is sex illegal? There could have been mask work. Wigs. I don't think sex in and of itself is illegal. Will there be more information? He could have taken his sword out of his cane, so to speak.

Or sheathed his sword in his cane. I have an enlarged glittery so I could vouch for that. Thank you. Is that permanent? Or is it just like when you sense danger? It's actually when I'm most relaxed. I just think about those lizards when their sides go out all crazy. Like, we're in trouble.

Act bigger. I don't know what it means. I relate heavy to the micro dick population oh jeez like when those guys complain like oh we have a micro dick we gotta tell a girl and it's so hard to have a micro dick I go I got no dick and I fuck like hell

you mean enlarged clitori and micro peni share the same social space that's right we're the same sex it's like people who are really right wing and really left wing share the same social space. That's right. We're the same sex. It's like people who are really right wing and really left wing are just like one issue apart. Yes, I agree with that.

If this conversation was going to happen anywhere at San Francisco there's at least nine bars that appeal to that community. Yes. And once again, my in-laws are in the house. You invited them. I know. I told them.

We're all going to ski balls after this. Yeah. You wanted to know what your son-in-law did. This is it. All right. Here we go. According to police body camera, video, and reports. By the way, I'm trying to picture that bar right now,

and I'm assuming it would be a microbrewery where the doors are just huge. It's hard to open. They always have garage doors. No, it's just two giant velvet curtains. Tiny little knobs. Well, the knob is enlarged.

Okay, sorry. Why is the knob engorged? An officer told the couple that a witness took video of the incident. Of course. A witness took video, and this is what the officer said. Quote, we clearly have video of you with your hand down his pants, an officer told the woman. That's just a friendly. Video that.

Oh, yeah. He's just getting a he-jo. Hand down your pants. First of all, is sex illegal? It's in public. In a public place. No, I'm not down with that. You could fuck. In line for cotton candy? Yes.

Every story, I want you to be like, what is this person a fucking narc? What's happening? You can't fuck anymore? What are we doing? What do you mean you can't put her hand down her pants in front of the teacups? Come on. What is happening? You can't fuck anymore? What are we doing? What do you mean you can't put her hand down her pants in front of the teacups? Come on. What is this, Russia?

Maybe she needed a... Ricola. She's digging around. Yeah, because that's the guy, he's like, you can't even see her stroke. Can't even see her stroke. Let her be. Look, it is a small world after all.

Thank you, Dan. That's squad brother. Thank you. That video, by the way, was sent around to all group chats that that person was on, I need to say. The couple, of course, denied doing anything wrong. This is the quote.

We just started dating not too long ago and are just affectionate. Right, Robbie? They're just affectionate. If I got a scissor in the line for Magic Mountain, who cares? That's right. Let me enjoy the journey, right?

It's not always about the final destination. That's right. It's about the journey and the line. If they put movies in the line or something, we could talk, but they're giving us nothing in these lines. It does make everything go faster. It does. Were they in the Fast the line or something, we could talk, but they're giving us nothing in these lines. It does make everything go faster. Were they in the fast pass line?

That's what we asked. But we're not doing anything wrong. That's what they said. Police Lieutenant Scott Dahlgren said that the man and the woman are both how old? We're going to get a picture of these guys and put them up.

Are we guessing first? We're going to guess now in the middle of the story. Don't show up. That's exactly why they call the cops. I thought you were going to say that's exactly why they call it the blues. Do you think his shirt says

wrestling? Looks like he's wrassling with his facial hair. I feel like Kyle can even be critical of that beard. I think they'd look less upset if they were able to finish. Yeah, exactly.

She looks perplexed. They look interrupted is what you're trying to say. Yeah, they don't look so happy. They look like they snuck into the amusement park in the first place. So we may as well go for H.J. in line. By the way, how many times has that guy been approached like,

hey man, we need you over at Operating the Thing. They think, dude, you gotta get over to the Buccaneer. It's like, Buccaneer? What are you talking about? He loves Cobra Kai. I mean, they should just be happy This guy's not a pedophile

Can't we appreciate We don't know that They're both the same age They are both the same age That makes it tough They are both the same age So Eva how old do you think These guys are

Oh my god We'll get to you in a minute So, Eva, how old do you think these guys are? Oh, my God. We'll get to you in a minute. Listen, the same age throws me off because I would have said she's like 37 and he's like 26 somehow. She's showing him a thing or two. She looks like the teacher that hooked up with him in high school and then they're getting back together 12 years later. Like, oh, my God. We can oh my God. We can do this now. We can do this now.

It's okay. You know what? You're right. Fuck it. I'm going to go with 28 then. 28. Robbie, what do you think? How old are they both?

I think they look like siblings. Yeah. Yeah. That's fair. That could be an incest element. So that would make them twins because they are the same age. Which, by the way, a lot of people don't know,

but I just saw a thing about incest. It's apparently 1% of you fuckers. Oh my God. It's disgusting. I see you. Okay. I think 32. But 34 was my... Who was 34? Someone shouted 34.

She got shut down. That's my bitch right there. Thank you. We let them guess. I'll do 32 and 34 for her. Does she get a say? We all guess. We then say raise your hand if you'd like to guess. Dan, I can't understand your mouth is too wide while you're talking

right now. I'm trying to find a medium. Just kidding. Kyle, how old are they? I think when you do drugs with somebody you start looking the same age. I think when you do drugs with somebody, you start looking the same age. Who's moving? Yeah, drugs really throw an even Stephen wrench into the whole aging operation.

What are you feeling, Kyle? I think she started the drugs. Young dudes are horny, so he got into the drugs with her. 29. 29. You just $2, $1'd me right there. You prices righted me. No, there's no prices right.

It's just closest. Closest to the pin. Okay, sick. Closest to the pin. I'm going to go 39. There's not a gray on either of them and they're not going to dark and lovely. They're not coloring their hair.

To be fair, these photos were shot with a sidekick. Why can't the police department get a better fucking camera? Either way, both of them don't have visitation rights. You say 39. So Robbie says 32. Someone shouted 34 out there.

You say 29. Eva, you said 28. Okay. There are a couple of people on the ground. Raise your hand. I'm going to say 36. 36? 36.

Okay. All right, we have a gentleman right here. What's your name? Jason, welcome to town. What's your guess? 26. 26. I see a name Jason welcome to town What's your guess 26 I see a hand right here what's your name Tim what's your guess welcome to town

23 You do Michael Jordan like that you son of a bitch That's right They're not in the year of our air lord I see a big hand right there And what's your name James welcome to town Lord. Okay, I see a big hand right there. And what's your name? James. Welcome to town, dude.

Alright, 35. Alright, Jay. Okay, alright. They are... You know how sometimes they see a UFO? Yeah. Right? I'm sorry. This is a point that bothers me about the camera quality that you brought up, because I do think it's at a point, it's at a tipping point in society if we could change it now. Sometimes they give you a picture of a UFO.

It's so fucking grainy. I'd believe the shit if it was just taken on a regular iPhone. That's right. This is my whole life, Robbie. Give me a picture that makes sense. You can't be bringing me a grainy fucking Blackberry photo.

She's willing. That's it. I know it's off topic a bit, but if anybody works in the tech, I know we're in SFO. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If anybody has, if you're taking the pictures here of the UFOs...

I can't wait to hear what Kyle is about to say. That's it. That's it. It's a small request. It's nothing but... Every time Bigfoot is spotted, it's some deer hunter

fucking fumbling, peeling open a Razor phone. Right. Like they're opening an orange. Yeah, that's right. To be like, oh, hold still and then get... My complaint is your complaint

and has been for years. Right. Your complaint has been talked about in chat rooms and Bigfoot societies forever. Three iPhones for the rural community, not only for access to information regarding agriculture, but also documenting these

things that we believe in, but have no proof. Let's start a GoFundMe! I would like an amendment. GoFundMe! We also get rid of motion smoothing on all televisions as a default. It's turned off. Nobody wants it.

I think you call the program where you hand out the phones to the country people, picks for dicks. There you go. Picks for dicks! Thank you. Picks for... They were going to move to amateur porn to cover some costs anyway. All right. Point it to the skies

when you're not getting into each other. We will be right back on Aliens and Other Solved Mysteries. How old, Jay? These two people, these two beautiful people are 38 years old. 38 years old.

Daniel. Oh my god! They look terrific. It's a blurry photo. It smoothed them out. They have found the fountain of youth. It is in line at a

ride at Cedar Point. That's acting young. That's behaving young. Be young. Act the age you want to be. Have you ever been to Kat's Delicatessen in New York? Yes. So you know how they have a sign like where Harry met Sally? Yes.

Like they had the fake orgasm thing, which I could also do to a T. But anyway. Yeah, I'm sure you could. They should have it in this line at the Cedar Pits. This is where these two 38-year-olds fuck. Yeah, I would say where Harry met Skanky. Yes. Yes.

I can't top that. Yes. The charge will be upgraded to a misdemeanor, one, because the victims that witnessed it were under the age of 18. Oh, God. It did occur over near the Freak Show, which is part of Cedar

Point's Hallow Weekends. So that seems appropriate. Oh, this was Halloween time. The couple is due in court soon to face charges. Sandusky police say about six weeks ago, they arrested another couple for allegedly having sex on the giant wheel ride

at Cedar Point. Oh, that's like a Ferris wheel? I kind of want to go. Maybe this is the new action park. This guy clearly is wearing Jankos. Nobody saw a thing. This guy was wearing Juggalo

pants. There's a couple of clasps and things clanking around. Nobody knew what was going on. One more guess in this story, all right? This incident took place around what time on August 14th

on the ride? This is the sex in the Ferris wheel ride. 11 a.m. 11 a.m., wow. Because it's Halloween, I bet this is like a Horror Nights type deal. I'm going to say 9 p.m. 9 p.m. Wow. I'm going to go, because it's Halloween, I bet this is like a Horror Nights type deal. I'm going to say 9 p.m. 9 p.m.?

Oh, what was the date? This was on August 14th. Oh, I thought you said it was a Halloween thing. That was the sex between these two. Well, this is another sex at Cedar Park. You can't change. So wait, are we guessing them or the other one? No, I'm guessing sex in the Ferris wheel

before we get off this show. The second sex offending couple. But you know, the worst... I'll stick you know, we're only finding out about this because it's like Ohio white trash shit. People are jerking each other off at Disneyland all the time. All the time. And they're keeping it under wraps to keep their image pure.

Let's not judge these people so much. Exactly. Let's look inward, California. That's right. HJ's going down at Knott's Berry Farm every day. It's a show. Is there a better term for edging than Knott's Berry?

Yeah. You don't think Walt Disney was diddling these fucking kids on the Dumbo ride? Wake up. I don't think Walt Disney was diddling these fucking kids on the Dumbo ride? Wake up. All right. I don't know about that. But I do think there are people who walk around Disneyland like,

hey, where do you get those lightsabers? That is not a lightsaber. Oh, Jesus. So what's your guess? For this? For when they were doing stuff? Yeah. I'll go 2 p.m.

2 p.m. 2.37 p.m. Motherfucker, 2.38. go 2 p.m. 2 p.m. 2.37 p.m. Motherfucker, 2.38. 2.38. Nice. I like your style. I like it. Ring the bell. I'm going to say 6 p.m.

Okay. It's the 3 a.m. of day drink. It's hand drop time. Should I just give the answer? We've been on this story for a long time. It happened on the Ferris wheel at 7.15 p.m. Oh, yeah. Oh, p.m.

Me, I got it. August 14th, still light outside. Sunset. That's the first. Any kids who are still there, those kids should have been home for dinner. This couple should be exonerated. Exactly. It's after dark, 7.15 p.m.

All right, and that is our first story. First story in the books! Eva Kim, we're in break. Why don't you take us to a break? Stick around, make it sound. There's more Don't People Town. Welcome back to the show, you guys. We are back. Yeah, here we go.

Way to go, Rand. Thank you very much. Should we find out what people are doing? Kyle, how can people see you? Where can they find you when you're doing your live shit? What? You're moving into that right now? Sure. Plugs. I just got sexed.

Yes, you got sexed up. By whatever you did. You're fanning yourself off telling me to plug my Instagram handles? That's right. At Kyle Kinane. Explain what you just did to all of us. Does anybody else need a beer, by the way?

I could go get some more beers. Yes. It got wet in here. Yes, it did. My phone's wet. I can't find my handles right now. There you go. Short-circuited.

All right. Robbie, how can people find you? Kyle Kinane. There you go. Robbie's at KyleKinane.com. Or whatever. Yeah, that's my name, and if you put it on the internet, it'll get you there.

You can plug my socials, and you can plug something else. What's... Folks, thing just got large down here. Speaking of, for nudes, you can hit up me on Instagram at Robbie Hoffman. A couple of dicey photos up there.

A couple of nip slips. Robbie Hoffman, R-O-B-B-Y. And on Twitter at I am Robbie Hoffman. There you go. I love it. I love that we're here.

DanielVanKirk.com for all of his stuff. And SuperSquad. The Lyric Hyperion Theater. Irene, too, and I have a show there. I love it. Let's do it. If you're in LA. And we got a bunch of good stuff.

Thanks. Yeah, you just did it. I did the show. It was a fun show. You crushed, Robbie. All right, Ren. Should I jump into story two? You guys ready?

Yeah, I think we should. This story was sent in by a good friend, Jake Groney, at Jake Groney. Now, I don't know if this was, this is like a Fox 43 story, but it feels very New York posty.

I'm sorry, I need to interrupt. There are zero nip slips here. Can you please point me to the direction? You're on my website. I'm stalking you, bitch. Go to Instagram. Go to Instagram. Go to Instagram. Copy. Yeah, copy that.

Okay, you ready for this? Oh, Jesus. Robbie, no. Robbie. Only fans, only fans can watch that. Robbie. My in-laws are in this room. The in-laws are in the house.

They already follow her on Instagram. That's right. You guys ready? Here we go. Nothing but a bad time. Which is part of a song that you will scammer posing as a glam metal singer. Bilks woman out of a lot of money.

We will guess that amount later. A scammer posing as a glam metal rocker. This can't exceed $320. Bilks a woman. Isn't this how they took down Gary Glitter? Am I wrong? He took himself down is what that happened right there. All right, Lancaster County, Pennsylvania.

Of course. Northern Lancaster County Regional Police say a Lancaster woman lost more than, and it is a lot of money, in an online scam when the subject was posing as the lead singer from a prominent glam metal band. What is a... I don't know what glam metal is. I mean, this is my wheelhouse. Like, I know what metal is.

Poison a hairband is what you're saying. The bitch deserves to lose every fucking dollar she ever had. What are we doing? Robbie, I thought we were about to be best friends backstage, and now you've just diminished the capabilities. Like, ladies, stop giving your money. It goes the other way. The men give you money.

Capisce? Thank you. I'm so on board with that. Wait, wait. Hold on a second. They were on top once, and now they're at the bottom. That's right. The victim, a Penn Township resident,

told police that she believed she was in direct contact with the singer and transferred the money using a cash exchange app. You know how the lead singer of a band say, hey, can you just get up on that cash exchange app and send shit my way? The NLCRPD, which to me sounds like

what happens to you when you smoke too much and can't breathe. She's suffering from NLCRPD. Reminds citizens to make certain that they are dealing with, who they're dealing with when making an electronic transition. I would say, even if Bret Michaels said,

send me some money, don't fucking do it. Don't do it. Can we name one prominent glam metal band? Yeah, Eva. Cinderella, Poison, Motley Crue, Bango,

Bangtango, Mr. Mister. Who's in Kiss with the makeup? You take Tesla back. You take Tesla back. Gene Simmons. He's wearing makeup and then he's doing that. Fire Hose.

No, Firehouse. Firehouse is the respected indie band. Firehouse is the glam metal band. I am so sick of these stories of these women. Obviously, this is their kink. This is their fetish, to give away their money to a man who is rusing them. At this point. Warrant, slaughter.

Some of these are just metal. And the only prominent one you've said is, I would still say kiss. Kiss. Prominent is a subjective term. Yes. Like what's prominent in your household? I listen to Hair Nation on Sirius XM daily.

These are all prominent in my drive time commute. So you gotta make sure who you're dealing with. Prominent feels like the wrong term to describe like a glam rock band. Like prestigious maybe. That feels more right. Prominent also sounds like a glam rock band.

Yeah. We were at the Prominent concert sounds like a glam rock band. Yeah. We were at the Prominent concert last night. Oh, ask yourself what you're all listening to on a regular basis. Just a whole lot of Striper and Vixen. I still like Eminem and Linkin Park. You do? Yeah, I keep them classic.

So be ashamed of yourself for your own things. Can I tell you that my 15-year-old daughter played me Limp Bizkit the other day like I'd never heard it? And she's got great taste in music and I was like, this shit cuts through, man. It does. And I looked her dead in the eye and I said,

give me something to break. Here he goes again, here he goes. Sorry. No, you get no bell for that. I know. I get nothing. While the police department didn't identify which singer the scammer was impersonating, to me, that's all I'd want

to know. Period. Danger, danger. Bullet boys. Glam. The final bit of advice in the press release offered a tantalizing hint. Hanoi Rock, Saigon Kicks. So they won't tell you who it is.

Was it Jaden Smith? No. You ready? This is what the police said in their press release. Remember, guys, every rose has its thorn. Poison being originally from western Pennsylvania. When attempting these

high-risk money transfers, the press release continued. By the way, totally plausible. Vince Neil could have... I think Vince Neil... Didn't he do skating with the stars? He did. Vince Neil is not gravitationally capable of skating with anybody.

All right. So let's get down to it right now. How much money did this person who was impersonating Vince Neal bilk them out of, this woman out of? How much? It was Vince Neal?

It wasn't Brett Michael? I don't think it was Vince Neal. It was Vince Neal, right? Western Pennsylvania. Well, that's Motley Crue. Oh, yeah. So it was Brett Michael. Poison started in western Pennsylvania.

Was it Vince Neil impersonating Bret Michaels for the money? Yes. Bret Michaels, he had that show on VH1, I'm going to have sex on this bus with all these girls. Did he marry his daughter? Bret Michaels? That's what I heard. It's 1% of everybody

is doing incest. Wake up. 1%. And that's the 1% Bernie Sanders was warning us about. That's right. The 1% of the 1% of the 1%.

It's because they keep the money in the family. I'm going to say $11,000 and then I'm going to go get me and Robbie a beer. Thank you. I'm going to say $6,000. $11,000, $6,000, what do you say? She's in western Pennsylvania. She does not have

$6,000. How much? $800. And it was all of it. And that's all of it. Most of it was scratch-offs. That's right. Nothing wrong with that.

And gift certificates to Hershey Park. That's right. And a terrible towel. Gift certificates meaning handwritten LHJ in line for the coaster. That's right. I don't know. The stuff that goes on in line at Hershey Park is a different story altogether.

I'm going up. I'm going to go $22,000. $22,000. I'll take three guesses. Let me do one. Let me do one. I'm going to guess mine. I'm going to say $79,000.

No! Wow. $79,000. What's your name? Jenna. Hi, Jenna. Welcome to Wow. $79,000. What's your name? Jenna. Hi, Jenna. Welcome to town. What's your guess?

$42,000. This bitch has done it before. I could tell in your eyes. How much you lose? $42,000. $34,000. You lost $34,000? No, it didn't happen.

No, it happened. Go ahead. Yes. What's your name? Hi, Catherine. Welcome to town. No, it happened. Go ahead. Yes. What's your name? Hi, Catherine. Welcome to town. $17,000. That would hurt.

That would hurt. Is there someone over here? Yeah. Yes. Whatever a baggie costs in West Pennsylvania. $17. $80. $18. $80. $80.

All right. You guys ready? We're going to have some boot suit-a-fed costs over in Lancaster. So you ready for this? She was bilked out of $10,000. Way to go, Eva. Nice work. Don't mean nothing but a good time

is what they tried to do at the beginning of that. Honestly, not too much to learn that lesson. Yeah. Not too much. Do you think she'll do it again? Yeah, they're addicted. It's a fetish. Thank you.

First concert I ever went to, Poison and Warrant, Rosemont Horizon. Rosemont, baby. Rosemont Horizon, 1991. My first concert was also Rosemont Horizon. Rosemont, baby. Rosemont Horizon, 1991. My first concert was also Rosemont Horizon. Who'd you see? Amy Grant. Oh, you grew up with Jesus.

You grew up with Jesus. Fuck yeah, dude. I rock with JC. Jesus brought you to the horizon for some Amy Grant. Baby, baby. Baby. Something, something. Turn this fucking song off now.

Stop for a minute. No, I don't know the rest. Dan, I'm just going to tell you. I saw laser boobs that night. Oh. Yeah, like laser. And then they were in the shape of boobs. I was like, oh.

Was that during Unskinny Bop? Say yes. It was the Unskinny Bop tour. It was the Unskinny Bop tour. It was the Unskinny Bop tour. Unskinny Bop. Bop. We're going to get sued for so much copyright. Move me away.

We're not going to. All right. That is story number two. Dan. Story number two. Dan, can you give these fine people just a taste of what we're doing? It's an annual tradition. When we come back, we will run down the things that we stuck inside of ourselves.

In 2022. It's a tradition. It's a tale as old as time. It is. It's like the masters of sticking shit in your body. Exactly. All right. Eva, take us to break, shall we?

Or into the break. Who's next? Hang on. We're not going to talk about the sticking of the stuff? Oh, no. shall we? Or into the break. Who's next? Hang on. We're not going to talk about the sticking of the stuff? Oh, no. That's coming up after the break. Oh, excellent. That was a teaser.

Okay, great. So Jason, you're up. Oh, Jay. I'm not going to sing a whole song. I won't. You don't have to sing anything, but I know you probably will. Give it to me. So listen, the first time that I really met Jason was on a magical karaoke, kind of like an art car, but it's never been to Burning Man, in Los Angeles called the RVIP Lounge.

This was actually, you know what, I believe it might have been your birthdays. It might have been the first time we had a birthday party with you guys with the RVIP Lounge. It's like a bus, basically, like a tour bus that's been gutted and retrofitted and turned into a karaoke lounge. It's super weird. It's really fun. It's a good time. It's a beautiful thing. It will change your life. Anyway, this was kind of a shocker,

and I really felt like I knew after this. So this is Jason's first ever karaoke song. You can sing on any bus. Yeah. You can sing on any bus. Yeah. You feeling this? One, two, three, go. The banger.

Let's go. Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up. I won't. I won't. I can't.

Yeah, Jay, come on. Put that Raspberry Beret on. I wish I had a Raspberry Beret. This is so 90s. This is so 90s. I love how long this intro is. I know. Part time in a five and dime.

What boss was Willie McGee? Willie McGee. St. Louis baseball card, no. Time that he didn't like my kind. Cause I was a bit too leisurely. Tell him. That I was busy doing something close to nothing. But different than the day before. Okay. tell him? That I was busy doing something close to nothing, but different

than the day before. Okay. That's when I saw her. Ooh! I saw she walked in through the out... So she's a little slow. She's a little slow. Asbury Beret. So he sees her. It's like...

Still doesn't know which door to go in or out of. She pushes the pole. She doesn't have much fun. Raspberry beret. I think I love her. Mostly because she doesn't know which

door to go in and out of. Well done, Jason. Thank you. A fun one. Thank you, Eva. Some people are going to go home tonight and their roommate's going to go, what kind of show did you see? And they're going to go, I don't know. I'm not really...

It's kind of like a variety show. A Jewish lesbian yelled at us for a while. Told us that 1% of us were going to have sex with our relatives. I read it in the Atlantic. What do you want from it? What do you want from it?

The twins sang. Do you know that 1% of every story in the Atlantic is true? Two bald guys sat between all of it. No, 1% of all Americans have completed an article in The Atlantic. They're 49,000 pages long.

I have the subscription. I've got to get my money's worth. $60 a year now. Oh my God. I pay less for the New York Times. Are you serious? No, I'm not doing the Times. They got me good on the crossword. They're out.

They keep up charging. Dan, please, open your mouth wide and read this story. I will try. So a few years ago, someone sent us a story that is a collection of medical reports about things that Americans got stuck inside themselves. I think we did it for

the first time here, and we did it every year after where we got the chance. We had a brief hiatus the past couple years, but now we're back. That's Sketch Fest. This was not sent in by anyone this year, although Russet Burbank, I just want to request when you do the annual What Did We Get Stuck Up Ourselves story for Dumb People Town,

you give credit to at Defactor Media. That is who puts it together. I'm going to go one step further and give credit to Barry Petruski at Barry. They got in early. B-A-R-R-Y. Who's following any of these handles?

Oh, I don't know. This is what the article reads Before we get into the list If you've ever put anything inside yourself And gotten it out again without needing medical attention Congratulations Right here There you go Things went way better for you

Than they did so many other poor souls This is a tribute to American ingenuity American perseverance And above all else American recklessness And stick-to-itiveness All reports just so you guys know This is a tribute to American ingenuity, American perseverance, and above all else, American recklessness. And stick-to-itiveness. All reports, just so you guys know, stick-up-itiveness.

All reports are taken from U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission's database of emergency room visits. All descriptions are verbatim. And as always, remember that a flared base is your best friend. That's right. The other notice that we will give, all of these are notated because they are not in criminal relations, so you can safely assume while hearing that this was all consensual, people wanted this to happen to themselves.

Ding. And we start. Objects are sorted by orifice working south. Yeah. We start up here. We will start with the ears. Start at the ears. I'll also say this. For fun, I'll do it by myself

if you guys don't want to join me. There's quite a times where people say that they quote unquote fell. And as I was reading this, every time to myself, I just found myself going, whoa. So I'm going to do that whenever somebody falls. Here we go. Ready? Ear. We will not have picks for all these because I want to get to it.

I'm going to just read them in order as they were literally entered in verbatim into this database. First one. Here we go. Ear. BB shot from a distance. Wow. That's fucking cool.

You shoot somebody from across the backyard You get it right in their ear Entered is such a polite term Did they die? No But do they have hearing? They lost their hearing Is that BB from a BB gun?

Yes So isn't it going really fast? It could be a slingshot Or just a hard toss BB guns vary in power I'm just saying So isn't it going really fast? It could be a slingshot or just a hard toss. If it's far away. BB guns vary in power. I have several. I'm just saying from far away,

I don't know anything about guns. It slows down, right? It's not many times you pump it. That's from Jason's story. That's from my story about the amusement park. You ever see that movie where the kid gets the BB gun? I always wanted that BB gun. Oh, you mean A Christmas Story?

Oh, A Christmas Story. That's what it was. That must have been so much fun to watch at your house as a kid. It's nice that you asked if anybody's ever seen A Christmas Story. Well, I saw it recently. It looked like a good gun. I would get that one. You know, I wish they'd play that once on TBS on Christmas.

It's hard to find. You've got to find the LaserDisc in a vintage store if you want to watch that. Next. Quote. This is what it's written. Quote. Was seen for earache but found to be positive for cocaine metabolites. Oh.

Next up, insect. Wait. Insect. Who said yeah? Who said yeah? I know you heard insect. Insect. Who said yeah? I know you heard insects. Insects account for 1% of all the things in your ears. We're going to skip over.

You can do cocaine with your ears. Haven't you heard of that? He's got a crazy coke ear. Don't you threaten me with a good time. No, it's like when you do cocaine in your ear, you hear really good business ideas. If you think this music sounds good now, dab a little in your AirPods.

Plug it in. It fucking rules. This is a marathon, not a sprint. I know. I'm sorry, Dan. No, you can take any detour you want. I've never been on a podcast with so many rules. The Sclars. I like what Kyle is saying. Okay, ready? Insect. Char like what Kyle was saying.

Insect. Charger. Computer stylus. What? Wait, this is still in the ear? These are all different people's ears. A charger? What kind of a charger? It was Philip Rivers. Sports face.

Oh, a charger plug yeah I've got my car keys pretty far in my ear did you? and if I didn't have my car keys and my ear itched I could see a charger doing the thing I was thinking like you know like a power tool, I'm a lesbian, forgive me

you know the charger pack? so I'm thinking how do you get that in? I know, that's a good call. I keep mine on ice. You're so much of a lesbian, you never plugged your phone in. You went straight to Ryobi. You went straight to Ryobi. I did.

That's where I went. I went that charger. I have no need for communication. I have a drill that needs to be powered up. I need to build a deck. I don't want to talk to anybody. I have to build a deck. I don't want to talk to anybody. I have to build a deck for a woman I just met. I am currently building a deck for a hot tub.

The Milwaukee family of rechargeable power tools. I just talked to your wife about a deck with a hot tub. Shout out to Amy Design. Thank you. Amy Design. He you. Amy Design. He won't promote it.

I fucking will. Interior designer extraordinaire. She's helping me with one of those barrel hot tubs. You know, with the wood all around. Fuck. I don't know if she's going to help you with it, but yes. She already did. But yes.

I haven't paid her or anything. Let's not promise the help that we're going to do this. Amy Design, go. Y&T, faster pussycats. Cufflink, tried using a knife to cut it out but was unsuccessful. Oh my God. I dig it. Why would you get a cufflink stuck in your ear and then go, let's cut it out with a knife?

Cut around the cufflink through your ear. No, because the sharp, you think you can get the point in there and fling it? Wet tissues in both ears. That's fine. We have a picture of this next one because I didn't know what it was. I don't want to look. Monkey noodle. What's that?

Monkey noodle sounds like a pet. Picture number one. There we go. That's what a monkey noodle is. I have no idea, but they had one stuck in there. If you told me monkey noodle is what J-Lo calls Ben Affleck, I would believe you. Hang on, this is a local product. Do we know what this is?

We were just waiting in line for Space Mountain, so I figured I'd give them the old monkey noodle for a little while. All of a sudden, we're getting written up by the cops. It's a San Francisco company right there. You know what? I got all the money in the world. I like to buy my monkey noodles individually. None of this fucking value pack shit.

You're going to call something a noodle and all the things you can do, you can't eat it? You can stretch it, pull it, twirl it? All right. Okay, whatever. I guess my riff can go suck a dick. We aren't to that hole yet. That's another hole.

We'll get there. Yeah, we'll get stuck in the penis hole of a man. Oh, we'll get there, Robbie. Same stuff. Don't jump ahead. Just shrink your labia. We're going to get there, all right? Again, it's the clitoris that's enlarged. The labia is fine.

Fine. Two earbuds in the same ear canal. Where did I? Why is this music coming in so loud? Ready, let's keep going. Plastic owl. What? Plastic sword.

Who did that? Lollipop. Thermometer. Quote, mistakenly use shoe glue instead of eardrops. Oh. Lighter fluid. Air freshener bead. Piece of ice cream cone. What? Push pin.

Quote, doing magic trick at school, put a pencil eraser in ear and was unable to retrieve it. Ta-da. Glow stick. Battleship game piece. Oh, yeah. Candle wax.

Yeah. Rock. Well, because why do they keep lying that, like, you can't put a Q-tip in your ear? It's like, that's what feels good. We're doing it. Yeah. So make it safe, folks. Right.

I agree. We're all doing it. Make it safe. I agree. Thank you. Final one on ear. Quote, fruit fly was on her headphone, which she put in her ear and felt buzzing. Used hydrogen peroxide to kill the fly, but with persistent burning, discomfort in ear, unsure if the fly is still alive.

Oh, my God. We now go to nose. By the way, this could be like a Marvel origin story. That's right. She's fruit fly. All right, ready for nose? I'm on board with all the ear things. That's right. Gum wrapper. Okay. Used match. Used match. She's fruit fly. Ready for nose? I'm on board with all the ear things.

Gum wrapper. Used match. Yarn. Candy heart. Tic Tacs. Quote says he was smelling a magnet and it went up his nostril. You know what? Sometimes you got to stop and smell the magnets.

Rice. What do you want, Kyle? You know what? Sometimes you gotta stop and smell the magnets Rice Rice Do you think the magnet When it went up He thought there was metal in his head And the magnet was attracted to it I didn't do this The magnet did this I knew I got metal in my brain

That's so metal dude I'm every person you're listing, but haven't reported it yet. I'll smell the shit out of some magnets, man. Rice, vitamin D. Put a jewel up his nose while

making a crown. Oh, I thought he meant like a jewel. So did I. Popcorn kernel. Making a crown. Oh, I thought he meant like a jewel. So did I. Popcorn kernel. Sure. Making a crown. What are you doing today? Well, I'm going to smell some magnets.

There's so many more backstories here than the hand job at the amusement park. I know. Who's independently making crowns like somebody's going to need this? Yeah, I got to. HJ's everybody. Popcorn Colonel. Gummy worm. Quote, put an LED light in her right nostril

in an attempt to prank her brother, but was then unable to get it out. This will show them. Flower. Orange peel. And now we have our second pick of the night. Fishing lure. What?

She got hooked. Up the nose. Up the nose. Kyle? That light came at me so hard. There we go. You're going the wrong way. There we go.

Don't give away my bits. Fishing lure. Okay, ready? Let's keep going. Go back to the logo. Go back to the penis hole. We're going to get there. We're not even going to throw it yet.

Glue. Piece of computer mouse. This is in the nose. Diesel fuel. Oh, Jesus. Cheese. I like the smell when you're filling up your car. I do like that smell. It's called Huffin. It's a real thing. And then

final for the nose. Quote, a book or a bug? A book or a bug? They don't know. A book or a bug? Up their nose. Quote, a book or a bug? A book or a bug? They don't know. A book or a bug? Up their nose. What was it? Catcher in the Rye? No, it was a beetle. I'm sorry. I'm always confusing this. Okay, ready for the throat?

Okay. Always. We start strong with the throat. Oh my god. Is that a dick? We go deep. Steak knife. Slow down when you're eating.

People swallow swords for entertainment. That's right. Okay, ready? Small flashlight. Zip card. Glue stick. Quote, thumbtack was holding curtains up at a window. Patient inhaled deeply near the tack and then coughed and swallowed thumbtack.

Confirmed on x-ray. Oh, God. If you put Lil in front of everything you just listed, it's every SoundCloud rapper that's popular right now. Lil' steak knife, Lil' small flashlight, Lil' SIM card, Lil' glue stick. Lil' SIM card's huge right now, dude. Lil' SIM card, Lil little glue stick. Little SIM card's huge right now. Little SIM card, little glue stick. I mean, SIM cards are really small. They are. Thank you for having the courage

to say that. I'll swallow a SIM card right now. I had a headache and some dyke told me to take a peppermint tablet and I was gagging on that. I could not get it down. If it was the size of a SIM card, I wouldn't have a headache anymore.

Bingo chip. Dog toy. Cat toy. Expensive coin from coin collection. Oh, my God. I know. Safekeeping. Insulin needle.

That's not where it goes. Golf pencil. Stack of staples Magic wand Three cigarettes I've been there That's a dare right I bet you can't do another one

Is what his brother said Watch me This one might be one of the dumbest ones I've ever read. Right after three cigarettes? I don't think it's possible, but this person did it. Quote, patient says he forgot to take foil off a foil-wrapped burrito. Oh. How high?

Now, listen, I understand. You ever get a little paper in a bite? Yeah. Yes. Okay, calm down. They have that foil that's half listen, I understand. You ever get a little paper in a bite? Yeah. Okay, calm down. They have that foil that's half paper, half foil. Listen, have I digested a piece or two in my life? Sure. Have you ever bitten into a foil-wrapped burrito?

But they didn't say they just straight up like, ooh, magic burrito. Yeah, they... And then just started eating a chrome burrito. Like, we've all eaten some tinfoil. Yes. But we got it down.

Honey, where's my space burrito? I ate it. But if you're out having a night and then you're hungry and you get a big burrito you're excited about, you might eat some foil. There's going to be some blackout edibles involved or something like that.

Blackout edibles. Blackout. Oh, yeah. Here's the thing. They know we're eating the foil, so make it food safe. You're taking on big foil.

I'm taking on big foil. I love it. I'm taking on big foil. Take that Reynolds wrap. Moving on. The fat cats down at Reynolds wrap, when they hear this podcast, they're going to be shaking in their shoes. Don't even get me stuck. We cruised over

a stack of staples to pause on some foil. A thing that food's already wrapped in over a stack of staples to pause on some foil, a thing that food's already wrapped in. A stack of staples have never come anywhere near food. Yeah, literally. We forgot to take the foil off. We all forget that foil is on food. A whole stack of staples is nowhere near food ever.

And we cru cruise through that to get to this? You can hit a stoplight whenever you want. Your priorities are incorrect on this podcast. Oh, I've said that for years. Hey, honey, honey, my burrito keeps falling apart. Can you just staple it for me together?

Checkmate, Randy Sklar. Thank you. Tea bag, hair clip, candy ring with plastic Tea bag is easy You're drinking the tea, forget it, it's gone Thank you I love to gulp hot tea You ready for the next pick?

Quote, dropped his otter pop onto the floor Which was covered in metal shavings From a drill press and continued to eat the otter pop Oh god, come on Yeah, that's, yes. I get it. It's a five-second rule. That's right.

Still makes more sense than a fucking stack of staples. It is what it is. You're stopping on things that make sense. You're skipping over stuff that makes no sense for it to be even close to your face Let alone your mouth You yell when you want one stopped at

All of these except the ones you're stopping on This is stuck in a person's mouth Video game controller Stop there Now I understand that Because remember you had to blow in them That's the game not the controller Okay Up down left right B A swallow Also which one I understand that, because remember you had to blow in them? That's the game, not the controller. Okay, okay.

Up, down, left, right, B, A, swallow. Also, which one? Nintendo Switch? Those are little. A child can consume that. Are these children? Some are, probably. Why are we shouting?

Because this list is incredulous. Laser pointer, yogurt foil, crab crab shell dried ornamental glass people eat glass my strange addiction on tlc people are eating this don't go to my strange addiction to legitimize any of this it's called my strange addiction those people are fucking freaks i'll listen i know we're not supposed to kink shame but but yeah, I'll kink shame. I eat glass. Kink shamed. You've been kink shamed. That's my TLC show.

You've been kink shamed. By the way, I would watch... You've embarrassed your family. You eat glass? Fix yourself. You're all fucked up. Stop doing that. You've been kink shamed. You're like a fucked up Dr. Phil. You know what I mean? I thought

Guy Fieri. You better have an episode on the bitches. Sometimes I like to put a scrunchie around my nuts. Go crazy. I like to eat muffler parts. You're fucked up. Fix yourself. You deserve to be kink shamed. Sometimes you deserve it. Kink shamed on TLC. I'm so

bad at that. Fucking dart. Dart's on your list. Dart is shamed on TLC. I'm so down with that. Fucking dart. Dart's on your list. Dart is next. A whole dart. Yes. That we should stop on. A dart. We're literally stopping on it.

A full dart. But a dart, I understand as well. Because if you're standing by the dart thing, which I have, and it goes into your mouth. Do you swallow? Dude, if you're a man. Oh, a dart hit my mouth. I'm so worried about the repercussions of a dart hitting my mouth. I nervously swallowed.

A cop show that is YouTube explaining a crime scene. Robbie is so, like, forgiving of every single person that swallowed something. I am, because you have to put yourself in a person's shoes. Kyle, the only request I have... Fuck those shoes. Nobody swallows

a dart. Next up. Kyle, wait. I have one request for an episode. I have one request for an episode. The bitches who give away all their money as a kink. Fucking shame them. Give away your money. It's your money. You give it away. You never swallowed a dart.

Oh, this guy pretended to be the guy that died in the Porsche. He's losing steam. The Porsche that Vince Deal crashed. But I gave him $10,000. I understand the dart. Did you eat and chew a glass Christmas ornament? No. That's what you're going to go to jail for. Gingerbread man shaped brooch.

Yeah, it's shaped like food already. Okay, good. Well, threw three coins up into the air and caught them in the mouth and then swallowed them. Okay. Yes, yeah. A small key to a diary. Yep.

Fine. That's what they did in the old timey things. You'll never get my secrets. Small key to a diary is my favorite Morrissey song, is what I think. Also, I love like, oh, there's no key to this book? I guess we'll never read it. Exactly.

Dan. There's no way to break into this book. Dan, guy who's swallowed money is never going to change. Jay, get out of here. What are you, a fortune cookie? There he goes. I just got it. Jay just walked.

It took me a minute. It took a moment. They got that twin thing where it's funny. I got it. Are we ready to go to the penis? Yes. Yes. This is San Francisco.

It was made for the penis. Here we go. I just want to say Robbie said finally. Kyle? You say what you'd like to stop. Now. Car key. Wooden spoon.

Car key. Car key he was just trying to turn himself on. I'm assuming these are all self-imposed. Yes. And as a dude with a penis, yes to the whole list. Okay. I haven't done it, but here's the guy going, let's see what happens.

Yeah. If you are the girlfriend or boyfriend or husband or wife of the guy who stuck his thing in, then that can be a wonderful joke between you. If you say to your wife or your partner, honey, can you please bleep bleep my penis? Where are my keys? Why don't you check your

penis, Dave? Have you looked there? Because that's the last time I saw it. Okay. I was under the impression the penis hole is extremely small and I could be wrong you can really stretch it out

get in there the penis hole is like what we're doing to this list you can really stretch it out long car key I said that wooden spoon I think I said that nail did I say that nailed it

pencil quote some beads some beads Nailed it. Pencil. Sure. Quote, some beads. Some beads. Seven inch silicone tube. Sure. Paper clip. Just wants to stay organized.

You got to keep your shit together up in there. Comb teeth. You're not giving me any shapes that wouldn't fit. You know, like avocado. You know, like you're not. Baseball glove. Exactly. Avocado is like when a boa constrictor eats like a moose.

You know what I mean? You're like, how is that? I don't even understand how that got in there. What could possibly be in there? I think we can just... Piece of soap. Quote. Ceiling fan chain in his penis hole states it has been in there since his shower at 9 p.m. last night.

Next pick. Next pick. Oh, my God. That's what it is. But that makes sense. It does? The light hits me like I should be shamed for this person's

interrogated. Jay, that ceiling fan chain. I never done that. Screwdriver tip. Phillips? Flat. I love that that was the question for you.

Inflatable sex toy. Deflated. Deflated, yeah. USB cord. Sure. Charger. Well, this is our final one for penis. Cell phone charger.

And I'm going to ask you guys real quick. We're just going to run it down. How many inches of the cord did he get in? Eva, how many inches? Come on, just go. 38. Okay, 38 inches. That's insane. Randy? 7 inches. I love it. 7 inches. 2.

2. I thought you were going to say Android or Apple. How many inches did he get in there? Six I said seven Four Cell phone charger and a 14 inch coil Wow He's coiling

At some point he's coiling Here's the whole thing I never realized the hole opened If the hole opens of course you're playing with it. I can say you're not. No, not of course. Not of course. People are playing with any fucking hole there is.

I'm 46. I've not played with it to get 14 inches of an Apple or Android product. Let's go around. Here's a question. Have you ever put something in your fucking penis hole? No. You.

No. You. You know you have, and what was it? Shockingly, no. No. It's called sounding. Some people are into it. You just have to be safe. Yeah, exactly.

Who here be brave? Oh, God. My man. My man. No. He did not. I have that avocado in my dick right now. It doesn't feel good. No.

We are now moving on to vagina. Okay. Here we go. Ready? We've only got nine more orifices, guys. Seriously. We're going to be done by next summer. Point. Screw. Quote was holding a pen near her vagina

when the cat dislodged and stuck inside. You know. You know how you like to write while you're naked? Sure. Two pencil sharpeners. Butterfly charm. The 90s are back. Exactly. We have a pick for the next one because this is all they said. Drinking cup.

Oh my god. That makes so much sense. That's what comes up when you Google drinking cup. Bobby pin. Golf ball. Right. Quote. Flashlight placed to vagina. When I was first learning to masturbate, I wasn't sure what was doing

in the hole. Sure. And pedophiles, hold your breath. Okay, sure. But I took a pencil to try and do it and it was too tight for the pencil, but I was trying with the pencil, so I understand that people are doing it. You can erase the shame afterwards.

There we go. There we go. Also works with a paper-made pen. There we go. Flashlight placed in vagina. I just have such a bright light in my face. Flashlight placed in vagina by patient at home but had no intention of it becoming stuck.

Well, no one on this list. Maybe your eyeballs light up if you get it in there. Drumstick. Nail polish bottle. Camera lens cap. That's too close. Unscented soap bar. Perfume soap bar.

Soap dispenser. Oh, wow. I had an ex who liked to put things up her vagina and tell me about it at the bar. She'd be like, you know what I want to put up up her vagina and tell me about it at the bar. She'd be like, you know what I want to put up in my vagina? In my ear. And you know what a really dumb man.

What did she say? She would say like all kinds. She would go to her parents at some type of nice house by the lake and she would put garden tools and all kinds up her vagina. Wow. Yeah, she'd get really wet telling me this stuff. She's on this list. She's on this list. We have one more for vagina and that is spatula. Okay, there you go. Come on. You got to me this stuff. She's on this list. She's on this list. We have one more for vagina, and that is spatula.

Okay, there you go. Come on. You got to flip them eggs. That's right. You got to make some paint. No, you got to stay. You have to ride it out. I'm done.

No, that's the best I got. Give him a standing ovariation. Come on. Now you leave. Now we'll both leave. We'll both leave. All right, rectum. Here we go. Rectum. Plastic. Now you leave. Now we'll both leave. Here we go. Plastic toy fish.

The next thing, I just have a picture of what I imagined. This is the picture. Here we go. Small bird toy. That's 100% when it comes up what I thought it was. I was wondering why we'd see him again. Spread eagle.

It's right there. Anybody can make these jokes. This isn't a easy joke. Silver Magnet. Sent in by wife. He's trying to match the one that went in the nose. He's trying to connect the two. Sent in by wife for possible 16 ounce glass bottle

in rectum. Possible. I love that there could be a question that it wasn't out there. Was it possibly scented? It's like a crawl space. Who knows what we stashed in there? It's like your storage locker.

Hair boost can. Piece of lamp. Piece of lamp. There's a quote. Handmade toy made out of metal. There you go. Cube shaped toy. Crayon. There you go. Cube-shaped toy. Crayon. Ratchet wrench.

Cube-shaped toy. I solved it. There you go. Ratchet wrench. T-handle wrench. I watch a lot of prison shows, and I'll tell you, I am not surprised at anything. That's right. It all makes sense.

You've got to do something to get the time. He says he was in shower and fell, and the shower stopper stuck up rectum. Whoa. You've got to be careful. Action figure head. Action figure. You wanted to get him back together. By the way, who has a shower stopper? Here's one I don't like.

Toilet brush. Does showers start? Quote, patient complaining of rectal pain. Patient admits to inserting sex toys how many months prior? Jason. Come on. Four months.

Four months. Kyle. Two. Two. Robbie. I was going to say two. You can have it. Two.

I'm going to say five months. Five. I'll say three. Fucking ten. Ten months. Ten months. There you go. Patient admits to inserting sex toys six months prior?

Hey. Spoon. Quote, vibrator egg. Patient not sure if passed in stool. There you go. Okay, bitches, have you ever had a tampon and you pull a tampon out and another one comes out? There you go. Be brave.

Be brave. It's like a magic trick. It's like the miracle of Hanukkah. We only thought one tampon was going to come out But there was enough for two It's very scary And you're at risk for TSS There was enough tampons for eight periods For all of the Maccabees

There was enough tampons For all of the Maccabees She has She has Deflated balloon Dude that's what happened to the Chinese balloon up in the fucking sky. That is. Fist-sized water balloon.

I bet it was. Sure, it was a fist. Do we have a picture for the next one because it creeped me out? Vegetable peeler. What? Oh, my God. Don't do that. Don't do that.

Crochet needle. Sure. Fishing pole. Pole? Pole pole. Fishing pole. Pole? Pole pole. Fishing pole. Okay. Well, fishing lure was in which part of the body?

It was in the... Nose. Nose. Nose. So maybe they were doing like a Ouroboros kind of thing. Quote. By the way, this room right now is a mess. I feel like we're at school. I'm feeling the emotions of the audience. By the way, this room right now is a mess. Thank you guys for paying attention.

I'm feeling the emotions of the audience. You guys are all going to get three sociology credits for today at University of San Francisco. That's right. Quote, patient states he has a big toy stuck in his rectum. Patient states he fell on top of it. Comb, fragrance beads, reusable ice pack. There you go. It is. Reusable ice pack. There you go.

Reusables. It's now icy hot. Not the term that you use. Glass beer bottle. Had a few beers and then placed a long wax candle into his rectum, lost balance, and fell onto the couch and lost the candle. Whoa!

Wow. Pill container. Cologne bottle perfume bottle we don't have to gender assign our bottles you know what sex toys are expensive and some of these poor fucks they're using whatever they got they got a yankee candle jar and a good time

quote says girlfriend put vibrator in rectum while he was asleep that's all it says sure that's what happened. You gotta keep things spicy. Here you go. April fools. Kyle, you'll respect this one. Billiard ball.

Eight ball back pocket. There you go. There you go, Rand. We're in the home stretch now, boys. Quote, patient says he was playing with a container Of athlete's foot spray and accidentally It ended up in his rectum

That feels like a fall, right? That is some tough acting to act in, my friend Plastic candy holder I don't even know what that is That's Pez, it's Pez Piece of broom handle Sure You don't want all of it Quote, put in butt plug then fell asleep Pez. Oh, Pez. Pez the Spencer. Piece of broom handle. Sure.

You don't want all of it. No. Quote, put in butt plug, then fell asleep, now can't find butt plug. There you go. Don't you fall asleep and forget where you put things? Stainless steel rod. That's safe. That could be what it's for.

Medical. Ice cream cone. Sure. Just clench. Just eat it. Break it down. it's for. Medical. Ice cream cone. Just clench. Just eat it. Break it down. That's right. Right? Some of these waffle cones.

You can't bite an ice cream cone. The waffle cone. Are you talking like sugar cone? Yeah. That's what I'm saying. The other kind. You can break that down. Some of these cones are getting thick.

Monopoly piece. And you know it's the hat. You know it's the hat. You're saying he's an asshat? It could be all the hotels. We have one more. What are you Googling to get all this? It de facto does it.

De facto. Okay, Dan, take us home. Final one. Two poker chips because of a bet. There you go. Yeah. That's it, friends. Time go. Yeah. That's it, friends. Sign the cash out.

That's it. There you go. You're chasing this and raised you two chips. All right, you guys. That was a show. That's a show. Thank you. Hey, Ren, go get our thing.

Go get our thing. We're going to be right over here. First of all, I want to thank Robbie Hoffman, everybody, for coming here. Robbie Hoffman, everybody, for coming here. Robbie Hoffman. And opening up her life. Love you, Robbie. Kyle Kinane, everybody. Kyle Kinane.

Eva Kim, everybody. Eva Kim on the ones and twos. Randy Sklar. Jason Sklar. Daniel Van Kirk. We're going to be over there We will be signing these awesome posters If you want one that Jeff Tice made We got some shirts

We're dead set on hanging with you guys We are Eva Kim, why don't you play the last song Oh, the last one is Dan's song The night that I really met Dan I will not We get to walk out on it Daniel Van Kirk. The night that I really met Dan. I will not. We get to walk out on it. Daniel Van Kirk, the night that I truly met you

was in a karaoke bar at two in the fucking morning in New York. Yeah, sing, sing. Sing, sing. And you came out like out of the dead of night and literally had a prop in your pocket and sunglasses. Fuck yeah, dude. And you brought the most beautiful rendition

of this shit I have ever heard. So let's sing it on the way out, you guys. I love this song! Dan, I wish you had the harmonica in your pocket. I wish so, too. He wore a younger man's clothes once. I will not be singing this. But we love you guys.

Sing a little bit, Dan. We'll be over there. Thank you guys so much. We love you guys. We a little bit, Dan. We'll be over there. Thank you guys so much. We love you guys. We got to get back to work.