Dumb People Town - Marta Ravin - Thrown Under The Double Decker Bus

Episode Date: December 30, 2022

Randy, Jason, and Daniel are joined by Marta Ravin! This weeks story is about a dog behind the wheel?! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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choose the life they choose. We'll make the news news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up So listen to our podcast jam With co-host Armand Dan And Dirk, don't be a jerk

Cause when the music hits the funny hits We are gonna take you down Stick around, make a sound Bunk it down, it's Dumb People Town. Hey townies, welcome to a Friday episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Raven. Marta Raven. That's so Raven, if I may say that.

That is so Raven. Hi Mart. Hi guys, how are you? We're wonderful, good to see you. Mart, you're in, guys. How are you? We're wonderful. Good to see you. Mark, you're in New York. She's a longtime friend of ours. We started in comedy together in New York.

She has since moved on to produce amazing shows, including, did you create Long Island Medium or did she speak to you in a dream? No, I did create Long Island Medium and yeah, she was amazing. She was amazing. Is she speaking to you right now? Can you hear her?

Is she in the room? She's not in the room? She's not in the room. But other people are here, but they're just private. Sure. And you can't tell them to get out or anything. Well, we spent a magical night

after our last show in New York. Daniel was there. Marta was there. We did karaoke all night long. All night. And I believe in that night, at one point, we said, we need to have you on. Marta, we need to have you on because you're one of the funniest people we know in this world. In this world.

And so we thought, oh, perfect to have her on a Friday episode of Dumb People. The last. Is this the last mini we're going to be doing? This is the last one. A Friday episode we're going to be doing? Yeah. I think it is. So, Marta, you've ushered out an age.

You're in a seminal episode. I'm going to get right into it because dumb people are doing dumb things. And let's get into this. Let's riff. The headline is unbelievable and pretty fantastic. Awesome. I'm so excited. Who is it sent in by? It was sent in by Carleen McDermott at SheBeCarleen.

She's sent in a lot of them, Martin. She's fantastic. So I think this comes from England. I'm not sure, but... I better find out. Drink Driver. That's how I think it's from another country. That's England, right, Martin?

Drink Driver. Can you use it in an accent if it's from England? Drink Driver. Drink Driver. Drink driver. Can you use it in an accent? Drink driver. Drink driver. Drink driver told police her dog was behind the wheel when car crashed into bus stop. Now, hang on a second. Dog ate my homework. All right.

I'm kind of, I'm on board. But dog was behind the wheel? Dog made me do it? This is a party doodle? Maybe it's a party doodle. Is it Dog the Bounty Hunter? Have you ever met Dog the Bounty Hunter, Mart? No, but he is kind of my type.

You know what I mean? I mean, like, just tall and burly. Like, you know, you just know. Like, I would just feel so tiny next to him, you know? Yeah, just put down one of your three crossbows you're holding. Cigarettes smoke him. Yeah, I feel. Just put down one of your three crossbows. You're holding a cigarette. Smoke him. Yeah, I feel like I would definitely like he needs to be exfoliated. Like I definitely.

So bad. A lot of dead skin. So much dead skin. But I think I could exfoliate the shit out of him. And split ends. A lot of split ends on him, too. Yes. Yes.

But then he would be dreamy. Can we send him to your hair guy? Who's your hair guy?izio milo all right a drink driver who crashed into a bus told police her dog was actually at the wheel melissa jenkins johnson melissa jenkins johnson sounds like a character that lynn manuel miranda left out of hamilton Her name is Melissa Jenkins Johnson. Like, if you told me that was Andrew Johnson's wife, President Andrew Johnson's wife, I'd be like, yes. Mark, would you believe it?

Melissa Jenkins Johnson was our sixth president's wife. I love it. I love it. Wait, who was the one that they always left out? And Penny? Who was the? And Peggy. Peggy. Peggy. Melissa Jenkins Johnson. it who wait who was the one that they always left out and penny who was the and peggy penny was from good times um janet jackson mel john all right here we go uh melissa jenkins johnson's tried to reverse out of a restaurant car park oh god don't you want to

know how many times at around midday on febru 15th, how many times did she try to reverse out of a car park? Bart, you want to go first? Hold on. Before, we all have to admit, there's been plenty of times in our life when backing up where we said, you know what, I'm just going to start over. Right? Yeah, I'm not faulting her, but I need you to know.

So many times where you're like, you know what, I'm going to go all the way back in, and I'm just going to start over. No judgment here. Mark, you live in Queens. When you drive in the city, is there just a whole other set of rules as to how you do this thing? Yeah, well, Queens is just a nightmare. So, like, if you take – I'm a girl who grew up in the suburbs. Plenty of wide lanes to parking, you just anywhere you wanted queens is next level we

have a side of the car that was literally just up for about a year just from every time i hit it and we just fixed it finally and you're gonna hit it again i'm not allowed to drive the car to drive the car my husband literally will come wherever i am like he'll uber to where i am to then drive it home yeah so it's hard let me know let me know when you're here i'll come out and park it yeah that's his thing keep it running in the street honey i'll be right there and i'll so how many times did she try to back out mart give a guess five five times dan what do you think I'm gonna go three three times you might call me crazy I think she tried to back this thing out 17 times and just got frustrated all right get your answers in shot at your

ham radio because this woman Melissa Jenkins Johnson tried to pull out and back out four times. Four times. Four times in the midday. You're right. Well, Dan, right in between those. Before drawing the attention. Before people.

This is on February 15th. Before drawing the attention of a man who called the police. All right. So if your backing up is so bad that a guy calls the cops, you're in trouble. He watched her walk to the car. No, you know what that is called? That is called a snitch.

And you know what? Snitches get stitches. When you are parking, especially in Queens, you keep it 10 toes down. That's right. Thank you. If somebody called the cops on every time I did some sort of driving mistake. Yes. I mean, I don't know. I mean, I was like, yeah.

I'm not going to lie to you. On the way over here this morning, I was getting off the highway, and I get off the highway, and I get on the off ramp, and I'm looking back at the traffic that's coming. There's a car in front of me, and I think she's gone.

And I go forward, and I hit the back of her car. You did. So we pull over to the side, and it's this really nice young girl and I was like, and she had like Grateful Dead stickers so I knew she was chill.

You're like, I've been to Burning Man. So I knew she was poor. I was like, my name on the playa is Hot Clip. No, I literally looked at her and I was like, there was nothing on her car. Of course. By the way, but she could have easily just been like, what's your insurance?

And we could have gone through the whole thing. And I was like, I'm so sorry. I thought you had gone. And I was just looking back at the traffic and I didn't pay attention. Are you okay? I was like, are you all right? Are you sure? Okay.

And she was like, she looked at the thing and she's like, there's nothing there. I'm fine. And then she left. And I thought like that with that small, tiny gesture, because there was really nothing there. I was like, this woman has given me a new lease on life. Well, I was in a parking lot backing out and i saw another car backing up behind me and you're like we're gonna hit we're gonna stop they keep going into you right i honk they hit the car oh

god and i get out and it's uh it's uh this will matter right that's why i'm saying it it's this black dude and he's standing there and he's he's uh you know pretty just a relaxed day he's got shorts a t-shirt on i open up the door very blank slate like i haven't i haven't decided if you're mad yet right or anything because there's probably nothing but also at the same time i want to look at it a very and he goes you're fine you're fine you're fine and so i go all right and i walk around and look and i go i i look and nothing's there you know but he still doesn't know how I'm going to react, and I've already decided it is fine. And I go, yeah, man, sometimes things happen.

He goes, I already got in an accident. Somebody hit me. And I go, oh, well, I just wanted to make sure that my car is okay. And he goes, you're fine, you're fine. And I go, yeah, I think everything's all right. And then he puts his hand on my shoulder. This is the greatest just ace in the hole just couldn't have said this to a better person if this was his angle and i i think he was

being genuine but it didn't matter it doesn't matter he puts his hand on my shoulder and he goes man i'm just trying to take my daughter to go see wakanda forever and you're like and i go you know what what do i what can i say to that did you make the i looked at him i go you go king you go king i was like hey hey hey i'm not stopping that nope not at all those are the kind of stories we need to hear more about right yes we hugged each other i told him you know merry christmas happy new year he said the same to me i bought their tickets to the movie it was great i love it all right so your daughter's life this woman managed i'm'm not going to tell you how old she is. We can guess that at the end, to successfully navigate out on the fifth attempt before driving

down a footpath, which I'm assuming is like a sidewalk. Yeah. Yeah. It's England, Mart. It's a footpath. It's a sidewalk. And crashing just meters from a children's play area. Oh, God.

That's horrible. That's horrible. Did you guys see the crown? God. That's horrible. That's horrible. That's like, did you guys see The Crown? No. Never? No. I haven't seen The Crown. Okay, well, there was something very bad that happened in like-

Are you talking about Diana's crash? No, not Diana's crash. In the 70s, where like Wales, you know how Wales is like separate yes yes yes an entire there was like an entire cliff that just fell on top of a children's oh hey where should we put this children's playground underneath that very cliff in wales in the 70s. It feels exactly like that. All right. So Swansea Crown Court. But I'm saying four backups and he calls the cops.

He saw her walking. Oh, he saw her. He's like, she's going to drive into a playground. That's right. Swansea Court. The court heard how staff from Ocean Cafe Bar and Restaurant beside the Perog and Fish Guard Pembrokeshire. Tell me you looked up their Yelp.

Rushed outside. I didn't, but I would want to. Prosecutor Hannah George told the court wednesday that the defendant went into the main road and paused for several minutes before driving into the sea view hotel and then tesco she was caught on cctv at the supermarket in disbelief she's done all sorts of errands she's been everywhere judge how are you right like you can get a lot done there so so here's what So here's what I want to know. Is the judge, in your opinion, being funny or just like in disbelief? Judge Howe Reese asks, she was doing some shopping? Is that a joke?

That's funny. That's a courtroom joke, right? That's a judge. Because you drove into like a supermarket. It's both. Both. It's clarity. It's for clarification and a joke.

She was doing some shopping, right? When two officers from Dive Feed Palace... We were on the back, so she took her four times to back out. Then she pulled out. She drove on a footpath. Drove on a footpath. Into a kid's playground. Crashing near a kid's playground.

Meters from a kid's playground. Then she drove out into the street and paused for several minutes. For several minutes. Just stayed in the street. Right. And then she drove into a supermarket. The amount of times I would have been like, ma'am, ma'am. Ma'am.

Ma'am. Ma'am. They visited Johnson at her home, and she blamed the whole thing. She made it home? She made it home. She blamed the whole thing on her pet dog. Do we want to try and guess what she's named this dog? Yes.

Oliver. Oliver? Yes. What do you think the dog's name? Mark, what would a British woman who has a drinking problem name her dog? She has an errand problem. That's what she has. I think maybe like after the monarchy, you know, like a Charles or a-

I'm going to say it's a female dog. So it's a bitch. Let's be a bitch. Okay. Susie. Susie? What do you got, Mark? I think maybe like millicent millie that's good i was gonna say fergie fergie yes that's i was trying to think of you were trying to go to fergie

black eyed peas or monarchy black eyed peas fergie. Her pet dog's name, get your answers in town, is Lily. Lily. Oh, okay. Millie. It's the child she wanted. So the officers show up at the house and the car is significantly damaged. And you know that she, when they came up, did you do this? And she's like, it's Lily's fault.

I'm like, well, who's Lily? Right. And then she points. She's sitting over there underneath the table. All right. The officers then entered the property. She's in her crate. And then the officers are like, what?

Meanwhile, no, no. Even better. She's like, it was my dog. And they're like, your dog? And then you're, ah! And the dog's peeling out, like driving away. Like, see? It's a problem.

All right. The officers then entered the property and were immediately hit with the smell of alcohol. Obviously. From the dog. From the dog. He's been drinking. Lily's been drinking. Got into the toilet water.

All right. She asked that the police had any proof for her arrest, and then they said, and then she said her friend had driven the car, so she's throwing friends under the bus. Anybody but her. And that her dog Lily drove the vehicle. This is England. She's throwing friends under the double-decker bus on this. There you go.

Yeah. This is like Tootsies. Thanks. Tootsies the driving cat the defendant was asked to give a sample of her breath she refused good on you she was then taken into custody and asked to provide a sample to which she refused again i think three refusals and then you become jewish that's right uh officers don't ever friends don't ever drink and drive if you go home yeah and and the cops are on the way

start drinking because then when they get there you're going I've been drinking since I got home when was what baby so here's what I think you should do I will say this to everybody whatever the cost of the Uber is to get to where you're going

is way less than all the problems she has in her life. Yeah, and my husband will go. He will go and park the car. Mark's husband will come and park your car. So the eyewitnesses stood helplessly and watched Johnson drive around the park with a half-drunk bottle of wine

in her vehicle, of course, and she had no thought for anyone around her. The defendant was banned from driving at the time, so she was already banned. Should we take a break at this point? I'll get you the break in a second after being convicted of drunk drink driving in November of last year. So she's already on probation. This is a legitimate problem.

I mean, this is when you start blaming your dog. So this... That's what I'm saying. If you drink that much and your dog drives that bad... You're in bad shape. You're too drunk to tell your dog where to go. Too drunk to give good commands to your dog who's driving. Lily, come blow into this so we can go home. Lily, make a laugh.

I feel like this dog probably didn't want to use Waze. You know what I mean? He probably was just fine with the regular GPS, like Google Maps. That's right. Dog was a pointer. Use Waze, buddy. Use Waze. Waze.

Do you know Waze was developed by an Israeli company? I think all Waze should literally just- The narrator should always be Israeli. And mad at you that you're not- Hey, what are you doing? Hey, make a left. Left. No, no, no.

You make a left. Left. Dummy. Dummy. You make a left. Hey, make a left. Dean pulling the defendant. This poor person has to defend this woman.

There's like a lawyer in court who's like, what are you going? His wife is like, what are you doing today? Say that name again. Losing. Dean Pulling. Dean Pulling. We're pulling for you. We're pulling for you.

Dude, he puts on his white wig just the same as everybody else. I just don't do that. Said his client was a professional woman and had held down a good job in her career in food manufacturing. Professional woman. She's not Whitney Houston. I'm a professional woman. Professional woman.

For how many years? And we'll take a break and come back. So how many years says, according to Deepon, she held down her career job in food manufacturing. How many years? Marcia, what do you think? I'm going seven months. One year.

One year. All right, Daniel. I'll go 17 years. 17 years for Daniel. One year. One year. All right, Daniel. I'll go 17 years. 17 years for Daniel. 23 years. 23 years. When we come back, we'll find out how long this one went

and we'll wrap this story up. We'll also find out how you can support us and Mart. This is Dumb People Town, our final Friday episode. And you're in the middle of the holidays, you guys. I hope you're having a great,

you had a great Christmas and Hanukkah and then New Year's and all that other stuff. We love you. We'll be right back. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Don't People Town.

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It's so good to see you, Mart. Before we get into the final answer that we had, how many years this woman held on a professional job? Food manufacturing. Food manufacturing. Let's just talk quickly. You were entering into January. Come see us in Denver 18th through 21st, and then we're going to be in San Diego

the very first weekend of February, ending 2nd through the 4th, and then on the 5th, we're doing a live Dumb People Town as part of Sketch Fest on the 5th at Cobb's Comedy Club. That's a Sunday night. Everybody come out. We're going to have a good guest, and it's going to be electric, and we haven't done this live in San Francisco. If you have a weekend pass, I'll be there the night before on the 4th.

Otherwise, you can catch me locally at the Lyric Hyperion Theater every Wednesday night doing my comedy show with Irene 2. It's at 730. Irene's going to be there too? Irene also. Okay, good. Mart, can people follow you and support you in any way, shape, or form on social media? Yes, they can.

I mean, I'm on the gram. I'm on the gram i'm on the gram and i am producing a new show that will be premiering in january it is with al sharpton's daughters whoa it's called the sharpton sisters and it's going to be on fox soul nice beautiful. And their tagline is Foxhole Unapologetically Black. Nice. And I spend a lot of time there just apologizing for being white and Jewish. Fine. Perfect.

It's an incredible. No. You can be apologetic. You can be apologetic. They can. They can. But the Sharpton sisters are fantastic. A little bit of Al Sharpton, too.

Oh, that's amazing. Amazing. All right. Check that show out. When we left the show, how many years did this woman hold on? Mart said seven months. Dan said 17 years. I said 23 years.

23 years. Get your answers in. Shout it, because this woman has held on this job for 20 years. Right in the middle of YouTube. And Dan, 20 years she's been in food production. She's been a professional woman. She has been diagnosed. And she's got a 401k probably.

At least. She's fully vested. So they say mental health difficulties, which I know we don't want to get on this, but she has been diagnosed with emotionally unstable personality disorder. I don't know that that's a thing. I don't know if emotionally unstable.

Even if it is. Maybe her dog is her emotional support animal and you're like, you need to drive. That dog's working overtime. So then this is his defense. The dogs? No. Oh, that's the girl. Mr. Pulling, Dean Pulling.

He's pulling shit out of his ass. Dean be pulling a lot of shit out of his ass. That Johnson, at the time of the offenses in February, was driving at a relatively slow speed and did not injure anyone. Okay. This is when you're like, guys, like she fucked up. Let's all think about how slow she was driving.

I mean, listen, OJ was in a slow, low speed chase. It wasn't dangerous to people, except for his ex-wife. All right. Due to her cooperation with the community service and handed her for her previous offering,

Mr. Pulling explained that he thought there was a realistic prospect of rehabilitation in this case. I mean, look, she didn't learn from the last time. She obviously didn't learn from the last time. You can always send the dog away to be retrained. Prior to November, she had no previous convictions, and this is the dog's fault. She must complete a 15-day rehabilitation course,

150 hours of unpaid work. She also is disqualified for driving for three years. We're going to get out of here on this okay how old how old well she's been working for 20 years she has a dog and i imagine she's lost everybody else in her life what's her name maria jenkins melissa jenkins melissa jenkins johnson how old is how old be this lady i hope she turns it around and she's taking medication you can't be drinking either no no no Also, the multiple personalities. Are we just talking about how old she is?

Or the other personality? Are we combining them all? I'm going to go 48 years old. 48 years old from Daniel. How old is she, Mark? Yeah. I think she's 58. 58 years old.

I think she's 43. 43 years old. I think she's 43. Ooh. 43 years old. Get your answers in. One of you is one year off. Oh. So we're going to go up or down here? I'm going to go 42.

I'm going to go 49. Are we going up or down, Marta? I forgot what I said. I'm going to go 59. 59 years old. We'll get out of here on this. Okay. Love you, Marta.

Marta, love you so much. Marta Raven, soul sister. Melissa Jenkins Johnson is 47 years old. Whoa! Very nice, Daniel. 47 years old. And that is a show. Thank you.

For Patreon members, Marta has an unbelievable story from her life about going down to New Orleans. We're going to get into that in a hot second. For the rest of you, thank you for supporting us. And oh, shit. We got to get back to that in a hot second. For the rest of you, thank you for supporting us. And, oh, shit, we've got to get back to work. Thanks, Mart. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum.

Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Stick around. Make a sound. Don't get down. It's Dump People Town. Starbanes Audio. Stick around, make a sound, talk your down, it's Dump People Town. Star Bands Out of There, a podcast network.

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