Dumb People Town - Mary Holland - Buttershots

Episode Date: November 6, 2018

This week, comedian/actor Mary Holland visits Dumb People Town!In Story 1, a housemaid thoroughly cleans her client's liquor cabinet. For Story 2, a man gets stabbed at a haunted house. In Story 3, a suspicious man on the roof claims he's dying.

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast Dan with co-host Our man Dan Man, jerk, don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits the funny hits So listen to our podcast band with co-host Armand Dan. Man, don't be a jerk, cause when the music hits the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, talk your downies, Dumb People Town. Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you.

Population Holland, Mary Holland. Mary Holland. Woohoo! I'm the population. You're the population. You're the featured population today in Dumb People Town. I'm thrilled. Welcome to the world of stupidity. It is a dumb, big, dumb world that we're living in these days.

Getting dumber. Getting dumber by the day. Isn't it getting dumber? Do you feel it? Oh, yeah. Like feeling it in a way that we weren't feeling it 10 years ago. getting dumber by the day isn't it getting dumber do you feel it oh yeah like feeling it in a way that we didn't weren't feeling it

10 years ago or maybe I'm just maybe it's always been dumb and I've just been woken up to how dumb it is dude you're woke girl you know what

that's what people say about me girl they be saying you woke they always say Mary Holland is very woke she's woken they always say that she's woken

Mary you did this is our first like time in level, I think, performing together. Yeah. We've been on UCB for so long at the same time, but I don't think we've ever been on a show. I don't think we have either. But you did this, it was like a showcase of some sort at UCB. It seems like there's like one a week, and they're great. And you did this like rag doll type character.

And everybody was doing like, oh, here's my four or five things and you did like one thing that i was watching you do it and i was like this is so definitive of what she thinks is funny and it's like a character that she's like i'm gonna go out here and i'm gonna do this and when i did the showcase for Comedy Central, for Comedy Central Comics to watch, thinking about you and doing that is why I went out and did just one character. I was like, you're inspirational. That's so nice to hear.

And I was like, I'm going to live and die on this. If you don't like what I'm going to do here, which is fine, you just won't like me. Well, that just means you have confidence in what you're doing. A plate of hors d'oeuvres.

And listeners to Dumb People Don't know how much I love a plate of various hors d'oe you're doing. A plate of hors d'oeuvres. And listeners to Dumb People Don't Know how much I love a plate of various hors d'oeuvres. You love a past plate of hors d'oeuvres. I love some amuse-bouche. I'm going to do one entree. Sampler. A sampler. I'm going to do one entree. You're not going to do an app sampler? No. I love that. And it was because I watched you do that. And I was like, this is her comedy.

Oh, you crushed. I mean, you're a monster on stage. In addition, I mean, wild horses. Wild horses were running around doing everything. And Lar mean, you're a monster on stage. In addition, I mean, Wild Horses. Wild Horses, we're running around doing everything. And Largo, that's a great show. Yeah. And you do a show at UCB Saturday nights. Yeah, I do ASCAD every weekend, and I do shows on Friday nights, JV and Soundtrack. I'm just, let me tell you something.

I can't get off the stage. She can't. I love it so much. That's how you get better. That's how you get good. That's how you get good. That's it. Well, you are really one of the best improvisers out there. And in addition, people will recognize you and know they've seen you and everything.

You've got a series of commercials running right now. Yeah. The iPhone. Yeah. That's an Apple. I actually don't totally know. There's like three of them. AT&T.

And they run all day Sunday during football. So during sports, they're just running every version. I'm telling you, a minimum during the Bears game last week, I would guess, I saw you in one of your various commercials at least 12 times. And there were two different ones. Yeah. Good. The one where you add the clock, you make a custom clock.

Uh-huh. I add a number 13 to a clock. Guys, it's really good. You guys. Guys, that is like, it is why we are dumber. Well, look, we are dumber as we go. Every commercial break, I'm like, oh, there's Beric and there's Mary. I know.

Beric is truly, for years, he's dominated. We should have him on here. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. But we have Mary here now. No, no, no. It's fine.

You want to have Beric. No, let's talk about how good he'll be. Actually, I'm surprised Barak's here right now. Mary, if you don't mind. Yeah, no, that's fine. Thanks for coming by. Thank you, guys. This was so weird.

Barak, really quick. You did this thing on stage once. I call him Barack. I go into a hole. Wait a minute. That inspired Mary. That was my compliment. Yeah, sorry.

Well, let's get into a story because we have our D-Bogs, our dumb boots on the ground. I'm going to keep pushing this. I know you are. Because Brendan, our awesome sound dude, was like, this is what it is, D-Bogs. It's not D-Bags. When you say sound dude, you mean sound engineer. Sound engineer. But sound dude, he's more of a dude.

He is a dude. It's like he's holding up fingers like he's rocking out with his cock out. He is a dude. So he was like D-Bogs. It's like D-Bags, but they're even better. They're D-Bugs. So they're dumb on the ground. They find the stories.

They send them to Dan. We haven't heard them. Mary hasn't heard any little bit of it. You better believe it. So let's get into one right now. Let's do it. Oh, it's Barrick Hardley, by the way, for anybody who's like, who's Barrick? Now you know.

Watch your commercials. All right. The only thing these maids cleaned out was the liquor cabinet. This was sent in by frack-enstein at frack underscore you. Can we stop the frackensteining? Can we please? To the ocean? Can we stop it?

It's ruining the earth. Do you guys get into the change your handle for Halloween thing? I've never done it. I've noticed it a lot this year. I would be terrified to change my handle. No, not done it. I haven't changed my name. I've noticed it a lot this year. I would be terrified to change my handle. No, not the handle, just your name

above your handle so your handle doesn't change. Oh. Like you're still at Frack U. Frack U. Frack U. Hampton Yacht

is like just the best. Ian Carmel does it a lot too. He's the best at Schmendrick Lamar and stuff like that. I've never done that. Maybe I should try to do that. I know.

People do it for spooky Halloween time. They change their name in some way. Morgan Murphy's bit about the museum of the Holocaust Museum or something like that that was also like certainly a place that should not have participated in any Halloween sort of. Yeah. She called it like the Holocaust Boo-seum. Oh, theyum. Brilliant.

Oh, why did they do it? Oh, why did they do it? It is. All right. So. All right. The only thing these maids cleaned out was the liquor cabinet. So have you driven by and seen like that van that promotes like topless maids?

Yes. That you can order. It's on Coingo. What? It's on Coingo. It's on Coingo. It's on Coingo. It's on Coingo.

It's on Coingo. It's on Coingo. It's on Coingo. It's on Coingo. It's on Coingo. It's on Coingo. It's on Coingo. It's on Coingo.

What? I feel like. Why? Who has said, you know what? I want my house cleaned. And that's the thing I want the most is my house cleaned because it's dirty. Sure. But I need everybody to be topless.

I mean, the truth is, who cleans better than someone without their shirt on? Right. Because they're very aware of dust. Dust. They're just, they're very aware of dust. They're more attuned because their skin is exposed. Thank you. They're more aware. Thank you.

Thank you. And they are like the highest level maid you can buy. They're going to be cleaning for their lives. I'm going to be honest with you. This is a first. We've been recording a lot of stories and getting a lot of things banked up. I saw, I'll show it to you, not right now, but in a minute, I saw the picture that accompanied this. And I read the headline.

And I knew we were going to have Mary on. And I'm like, yes. And I have not read this story. Okay. I love it. So just when I get to the picture, I think I probably read the first 25% of it. And I was like, yep. Dan, I love that this is going to be a treat for you, too.

I got to the picture. And based already that we know these people stole the liquor from the liquor counter And I was like, yep. Dan, I love that this is going to be a treat for you, too. When I get to the picture, and based already that we know these people stole the liquor from the liquor counter. I was like, done. This is a dumb people town story. No problem. No problem. They cleaned it up and cleaned it out.

So full disclosure, if it takes any hard left turns, I didn't know they were coming. This is great. We're all going to be surprised. I know. I just hope they don't murder a dog. That's all I'm saying. Me, too. I will stop reading. We'll stop going to be surprised. I know. I just hope they don't murder a dog. That's all I'm saying.

Me too. I will stop reading. We'll stop reading. That's a story, guys. These maids are terrible. Remember that? We did a live show once, and somebody did a story about animals getting hurt, and they were like, Dan, do you know this?

I go, because I know all the stories when people bring them to live shows. I've already read them. I just didn't choose to do them or haven't gotten to them yet. And this person started, and I go, I'm going to stop you. You don't want to do this story. Stop. And people are like, no, let her do it. And I'm like, I'm telling you't want to do this story and people are like no let her do it and I'm like I'm telling you

no one wants this she's fine she's not fine she wants to do it poor girl god bless her I love her I love the energy I love the effort and I want everybody to feel comfortable I was looking out for her not shutting her down she's fine

I said okay keep reading and she goes she was like a man walked up to some swans out for her, not shutting her down. She's fine. And I said, okay, keep reading. And she goes, she was like, a man walked up to some swans. Nope, nope, nope. And then she keeps reading and she's like, oh, it gets real dark. I go, yeah. That's why I said stop. Come on. I know.

It's never okay to hurt an animal. All right. What did he say to the swans? He said mean things. Talked so much smack. Oh, that's so, I hate that. Talked a lot of smack. It's so not cool.

Treat him like Ugly Duck and this is what he did. A Brooklyn woman expected a spic and span home when she hired a cleaning company to tidy up her Williamsburg pad.

Okay? So we're in Williamsburg. She's very rich. Very wealthy. the maids trashed her apartment, ate her ice cream. Oh,

how dare they? I know. When you think there's still ice cream in the, dare they! I know. When you think there's still ice cream in the freezer, even if you've forgotten and you're the one who ate it, you're still like, God damn it. And it's like Talenti with the salted caramel and it has the little caramel things.

I just really appreciate that these maids were like, first things first, let's check on the ice cream situation. If there is ice cream, we need to eat it. Right. And then we'll, you know. Move on to the booth.

And you know what I also love is that she has an apartment, which unless she's a gazillionaire, I'm going to guess at most is like 1,500 square feet or 2,000 square feet. Sure, sure, sure. At most. At the very most. Right. That's a big place. And there are multiple maids coming over to clean.

Like one person can't handle this. Anytime you're like, we're sending over our three maids to clean your one bedroom apartment, I'd be like, that's too many maids. Too many people. You're going to trash it, steal my liquor. Are you going to clean it in 12 minutes? Instead, the maids trashed her apartment, ate her ice cream, guzzled her booze. Guzzled it.

Guzzled. Because nothing goes better with like chip than schnapps. And one of them even passed out drunk. Love that. That's kind of great. You gotta respect these ladies. Balls to the wall. I mean, yeah, if you're gonna fuck around at your job, fuck around.

But truly go for it. Please commit to it. Please don't do it half-assed. Don't make me be like, is this fireable? Exactly. Did I finish my ice cream? Did I finish my ice cream? I can't remember. Oh, no.

It's laying in her passed out hand. If she wasn't passed out, you'd be like, did I do this? Did I drink the full bottle of butterscotch schnapps? It was great. Did I pass out on the couch? Oh, no, she did. I kind of want to try that. Butterscotch schnapps.

I'll rock a peppermint. Butterscotch. I hired two ladies from Joanna's cleaning service. But butterscotch would just be butterscotch scotch. It's actually called butter shots. Butter shots? Yes, my parents have a bottle. Stop it.

We have the same kind of family. Stop them right now. Oh, boy. Okay. The Hollins got butter shots. Right next to the Rumpelmints. All right. We're going to the Hollins tonight, and they have butter shots.

Oh, I hope they don't bring out the butter shots. They'll try and push it on you if you don't want it. You just tell them no. Okay, everyone. After the meal, everyone gets a shot of butter shots. Tell her you don't want it. Here you go. Tell her you don't want it.

I can't tell you. Well, now it's too late. What's the problem? Now it's too late. She put it in front of you, and she already poured it. You can't pour it back. I'll drink it. I'll drink them all. Well, now it's too late. What's the problem? Now it's too late. She put it in front of you and she already poured it. I'll drink it. I'll drink them all. Ron will drink it.

Ron. Where are you from, Mary? I'm from Galax, Virginia. Oh, nice. So it's more of a southern accent than Midwestern. I like it. It's a mom. It's a mom.

Right. It's just a mom. She's like, I don't understand. There's a quote. I hired two ladies from Joanna's Cleaning Service in Brooklyn, and they didn't clean a thing. Just drank all my liquor and fucked up my home. Fumed Genevieve Snow in a now viral Facebook rant posted Monday. Genevieve Snow.

My roommate. Let me guess. Your parents paid for the maid service. Yes. My roommate came home to see one of them blacked out face down in our kitchen. Whoa. My spice rack was smashed. My marble coffee table upended, which smashed a stone bowl.

Keys were gone. Booze was gone. And chocolate ice cream left on the sofa. I am now going to show you the picture of what they found when they walked into this apartment. I'd be like, did someone get murdered? I'm going to be honest with you. I could have just shown you the photo and we could have done a whole

story. A whole show on this. Ready for this? This is going to be on the Facebook page. We'll be on the Facebook page. You have to join the Facebook page. If you haven't joined it, this is a reason to join. This is what you're missing. You're at brunch. Your friend's like, what's going on with you today? Well, I have two people cleaning my house right now, so I'm going to run back there when I get done. Two people?

Your house is so small. I know. They send two because they want it. It's either two hours for one or one hour for two. They work in pairs. I get it. All right. Fine.

Jesus. No one's yelling at you. I just think you need one. You ready for this picture? We'll take two butterscotch shots right over here and the check. Thanks so much. Are you ready for this picture? I want a mini cupcake.

Yes, ready. Here we go. Holy shit. Oh my God. She like knocked a spice rack over. She's out her... God.

Look at her feet, Mary. Mary, she's out her flip flops. Her feet are covered in... Look how dirty her feet are. Well, the place needed to be cleaned. It needed to be cleaned. Her feet are dirty.... Look how dirty her feet are. Well, the place needed to be cleaned. Her feet are dirty. That woman is just out.

For the listener at home, for the listener at home, Mary could not be more invested in this photo. Oh, she... You know, I gotta say, this looks more like, this looks like a crime scene. Like a murder situation.

Yeah, I was like, what happened to this woman? It looks like she got... Jerry Orbach walked in. She got hit on the head. She got hit on the head. That's what it looks like. With a candlestick in the kitchen. There's a watermelon on the ground.

Are they sure she was blackout drunk or was she bonked on the head? I'm going to do the two minutes before she passed out. She thought she could climb up and hang off the spike rack. She's like, I can do it. No, listen.

I can do it. Honey, do not do it. You can't do it. You cannot do it. No. Listen, I can do it. Don't do that. Honey, do not do it. No, watch me. You can't do it. I can't. You cannot do it. What? She fell off and cracked up, hit her head, was about to throw up, and then just slept.

Jesus. So I feel like it all happened in that. Also, if you have a head injury, don't go to sleep. No. Don't stay. Keep drinking. That's right. That to sleep. No. Don't stay. Keep drinking. That's right. That's right.

That's our medical advice. At least she was sleeping on her arm. So if she did throw up, it would come out. She's not going to swallow it. That's true. She did something right. She did something right. She did it right.

Say what you will about her cleaning, but she knows how to pass out. So the maid service is like, do you want us to leave our maids there in the place with you when you come back? That is fucking nuts. The maid service, they're probably like, you got to make a mess before you can clean it up. Hey, you got to make, in order to clean up an omelet, you got to break a mess. You got to break a mess. You got to break a mess. You got to break a mess before you make an egg.

No, that's not what it is. Jennifer, that's not what it is. You gotta break an egg. You gotta break a mess before you make an egg. Eugene says... No, that's not what it is. Jennifer, that's not what it is. She said she's out of pocket for the damage, and adding insult to injury, when she asked for reimbursement, the company tried to explain it all away. I cannot wait to hear the explanation.

First off, how much money do you think Genevieve Snow says she is out of pocket? $10,000. Coming to you with an overview to find out how much damage did they do? $10,000 from Mary House? That's what she said. That's not what it is, but she definitely said it. Okay, so Mary is clearly picking up on something about Genevieve Snow that, like, she's an exaggerator.

Well, sure. I mean, the picture does sort of. Right. Or her lawyer friend was like, Genevieve, you start at 10 grand. Yes. Even if we get down to three. If we get three, I'll be happy. Thank God I have a lawyer friend.

I say 5,000. 5,000 dollars. I'm in that same camp. I'm going to say $2,000. $2,000. A lot, by the way. A lot. $2,000 is a lot of money.

Drink all our liquor. Drink all our liquor. Liquor's expensive. Genevieve Snow says she's out of pocket more than Get Your Answers In Now, Tony, because she says the amount of damage totaled her $400. That's it? Oh, it's not bad. Wow, it's not bad at all.

I feel terrible. I'm so sorry, Genevieve Snow. $10,000. I feel terrible. I'm so sorry, Genevieve Snow. Mary, 10 grand way off. I'm kind of disappointed in Genevieve Snow. Mary, I'm assuming some stuff about Genevieve Snow. No, no, no. I'm just saying if that were me, I would be like,

not only would I be adding up the sort of, the liquor, the ice cream. The marble table, the stone bowl. The stone bowl, but also the emotional damage. Yes. The mental damage. You went in my house. Exactly. Thank you for having the guts to say that. No, thank you.. The stone bowl, but also the emotional damage. The mental damage. You went in my house.

Exactly. Thank you for having the guts to say that. No, thank you. We'll get this, guys. Thank you for thanking me. When Genevieve asked for reimbursement, the company tried to explain it all away with a sob story. And I'm going to tell you, this is the sentence where I stopped and was like, yes, it's in dumb people's heads. This is how you know it's in dumb, all of it's in dumb people's heads.

But I stopped here. I haven't read anything past this. I can't wait, Dan. This is a surprise know it's in dumb people's time. But I stopped here. I haven't read anything past this. I can't wait, Dan. This is a surprise for you, too. They explained it all the way with a sob story that the sloshed sweeper's husband had just left her and her teen daughter was knocked up. Okay. So the cleaning lady was like, my teen daughter's pregnant and my husband left me, so sorry.

Let me have this. I went roughshod on your home. But wait a minute. But she was there with someone else. Yep. That person was like, Deb, stop. Deb. Right.

This person was just like, I can't control it. I can't control it. So they joined in. She's just lost her husband. I'm the designated cleaner. I make sure. Wait, her husband lost his job and- No, left her.

Left her. Yeah, and her daughter's knocked out. Can I just say something? Well, you lose someone and you gain somebody. But if you're her, don't you like look into the job and... No, left her. Left her. Yeah, and her daughter's knocked out. Can I just say something? Well, you lose someone and you gain something. But if you're her, don't you like looking at the company and being like... What a lovely optimistic way of looking at it. You know what it is. One door closes and a spice rack opens.

That's right. And a spice rack opens. I said a vagina opens. Well, no, no, no. But if you're her, aren't you like calling the company that you work for and being like, can you not tell everybody what's going on? Or, look, we questioned at the beginning of this why two people were sent on this job.

Sure. Someone needed to be there to spot for this woman and make sure she wasn't going to do exactly what she did. This is as much on the other cleaner as it is on this four-woman. Well, the other cleaner joined in. She got sucked into her vortex. I don't know.

Where is she? Yeah. She left her there. Who's your cleaning buddy? She did. She just left her past house. She's your cleaning buddy? Genevieve says she's used Brooklyn-based Joanna Cleaning Service for the occasional spruce

up dating back to 2013. Joanna Cleaning Service. I like to call it Obama, too. And emailed her most recent contact at the business, a woman identifying herself as Joanna, and I cannot pronounce this last name. So I guess she went straight to the top. Oh, yeah. Oh, no, you're going. You got to call Joanna.

Go to the source. You got to go straight to Joanna. She left the two maids in that day before heading off to work. She left $180 for the cleaning plus a $60 tip. What? That's way too big of a tip for these. That's very generous. But one of the housemates... Take anything you want.

If you're thirsty, just grab something. Help yourself, but don't fucking touch my ice cream. But one of her housemates, I guess fancy for roommate, woke up a few hours later to find the cleaners sitting on their couch eating. Wait a minute.

Right. So Genevieve leaves her work with money. By the way, again. And there's a roommate still in the home. Have you ever lived in New York? No. Okay. You've been to New York, though.

Yeah. We lived in New York. We lived in Chelsea in a three-bedroom apartment, which is huge by New York standards. We had another roommate. You know what's going on. Like, if you're cleaning, they did no cleaning. They just got in and started eating, drinking, and eating. Didn't know there was a roommate still in the house.

Asleep. Asleep. So the roommate gets out, finds the cleaner sitting on the couch eating. This is what the roommate said. Quote, you know when you're not supposed to be doing something, people jerk up really quickly? They did that. Jerk up? Said roommate Kristen. What?

That moment of like, yeah, he's in. Nipo Musino. That's my best guess on how to say Kristen's last name. Kristen Nipo Musino. When she went off, so the roommate gets up to go to her job at SoulCycle. This is so on brand for New York. Brooklyn. SoulCycle. I'm just going to SoulCycle and there are people eating. She works at SoulCycle. This is so on brand for New York. Brooklyn. SoulCycle.

I'm just going to SoulCycle and there are people eating. She works at SoulCycle. It's taking place in the I Feel Pretty universe. Right. She sounds like Jim Gaffigan's questioning.

Counter voice. I'm just going to SoulCycle. Why would they be jumping up like that? That's so weird. But when Kristen, so she gets home before Genevieve. When Kristen returned home around 5.30 p.m.,

it was a very different scene. So this was like morning and now it's 5.30. So they jumped up when they saw the person and then they're like, that's not the moment that you say,

get out of my house. They're like, we're gonna, I guess we should just stay. I guess, you know, since they're sitting here eating our food and lying to us,

best thing I should do right now is just leave them here in the house. Oh, you're blaming Kristen for leaving them there eating on the couch? She had to go to SoulCycle, Jay. There's a lot of people that could have stopped this. There are a lot of people that could have stopped this. Well, that's true. There were many opportunities.

Joanna. The responsibility really was Joanna. The daughter got knocked up. Oh, man. She came back at 5.30 from work. She could have said no. It was a very different scene. The house was a mess.

Maybe she could have said no. It was a very different scene. The house was a mess. Maybe she could have said no. One maid was nowhere to be seen, and the other was passed out on the floor next to a smashed spice rack. Quote, I walk in and I see bare feet, and she's literally laying right here, Kristen said, pointing at the kitchen floor. She left the apartment in horror and called the cops. Yep. This is Kristen. I will say, I saw the picture, and I'm not trying to be sexist, but it was a sweet rack. She has a sweet rack. Jason.

Spicy rack. I would say a spicy rack. Oh, damn it. Beat me to it. A spicy rack. A spicy rack. I said spicy rack. You got it.

You got it. You got it. You got it. Under the wire. Under the wire. Under the wire. So when Kristen leaves, she calls the cops. They all return to find the maid, ready for this, awake, sitting on the couch and digging into a pint of chocolate ice cream.

Dude, she won't quit. No. That is amazing. To me, if I just did that in my house, the amount of shame of having drank so much that I passed out and then just sitting on my couch eating ice cream. I know. The amount of shame swirling around me would be, I'd be like, why do I do this? Why don't I have self-control? Why can I not stop?

One scoop isn't enough for me. Everybody's sleeping upstairs and I'm still eating. You gotta eat those emotions, Rand. God damn it, man. Don't you think, too, like, if I'm Kristen, I'd be like just to the maid, like, I don't know where to start in this process of dealing with you, but the first thing I think I should ask is, do you know you don't live here? Right. Do you know you don't live here?

We're not hiring you to live here for a day. Kristen says when they walked in with the cops, quote, she is licking ice cream and hammered, beyond hammered. She drank one whole bottle of broker's Gin and most of the bottle of kettle. Wow. This lady's out of her mind. By the way, also someone who can drink more than I could drink in a month. I know, truly. I could do a shot and be like, I'm good.

I could do a butterscotch shot and that's it. Now listen, I could do a full bottle of butterscotch. You better believe it. Butterscotch. But kettle that's it. Now listen, I could do a full bottle of butterscotch. You better believe it. Butterscotch. But kind of one. You and Harry Potter. The NYPD confirmed cops went to the apartment and sent a drunk woman from there to the hospital. Good.

Good. Genevieve says they didn't take a report, however, telling her the cleaners hadn't committed any crimes and advised her to take it to civil court. How do they not? What about ice cream theft? They stole chocolate. I know. Well, she, seriously, they didn't break and enter.

Right. But they did take things of hers, stolen property, food being property. So like you can prosecute that. So Genevieve emails Joanna of Joanna's cleaners. She then says her husband left her and her daughters. This is Joanna. She's Cleaners. She then says her husband left her and her daughters. This is Joanna. She's having family problems. It's a quote.

Her husband left her after 19 years of marriage. And that day when she was cleaning your apartment, she had the phone call that her teenage daughter is pregnant. I understand going out and being like, I need a drink. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But leave work. Yeah, exactly. Oh, yeah. Just leave the apartment.

I can't work today. I would say the fact that this woman had just left and not cleaned the place, we wouldn't have a story. No. That's true. So I'm glad she stayed. So ultimately, we thank her. Thank you for taking down a spice rack that needed to be taken down. Thank you for putting work above everything else.

Yeah. And I say work very loosely. W-E-R-K. God. Joanna says that she believes in her company, yada, yada, yada. They're all great. And I say work very loosely. W-E-R-K. Joanna says that she believes in her company. Yada, yada, yada. They're all great. All of them.

Genevieve did what the only thing you can do. Posted about her experience on Yelp. Yeah, good. Take it to Yelp. Take it to Yelp. And then Joanna, we'll get out of here on this. Oh, no, sorry. We will not.

Joanna said we have nothing to hide. She said a lot to hide. I know. Not anymore. Not anymore. Maybe the sex of the baby? Of the daughter? Hiding that? Poor Genevieve Snow can't even find an address for this business because it's all

run through phone. Because she just wants to send them a bill and she wants to get this resolved. So here's the thing. First off, Joanna is an idiot. Because the second this happens, the only quote

she should have put in this newspaper is we are so sorry. She's asking for $400. We're gonna give her $500 and a free cleaning if she wants it. We're taking care of this. Love that. End of story.

And I would buy her another bottle of butter shots, a bottle of kettle, a bottle of gin, ice cream. Bottle of red, bottle of white, whatever kind of mood she's in tonight. Like some nice spices. Spice rack. New spice rack. New spice rack. Literally, $400 could have just gone away. That's dumb, too. There you rack. New spice rack. New spice rack. Literally, 400 bucks, it could have just gone away. That's dumb, too.

There you go. Everybody's being dumb. The world is getting dumber. The world is getting dumber. You know it. That is one story down in the books. We've got Mary Holland with us. We're going to take a break.

We'll be back with more Dumb People now, right after this. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to DPT. We want to thank everyone who's been a part of our drift. Yeah, let's read some names.

Let's do it. Let's bang these out. Let's get into it. And honor some great people in our town. Let's do it. Caitlin Winnie. The Pooh. Caitlin Winnie Cooper.

I said the Pooh. See, I go Cooper. Caitlin Winnie Cooper. All right, fine. Do it that way. Well, no, I mean, they're both valid. One's my favorite Disney animated movie, and the other's my favorite TV show. There you go. You can't go wrong with a Winnie. Caitlin Winnie Cooper Alright fine do it that way Well no I mean They're both valid One's my favorite Disney animated movie And the other's

My favorite TV show There you go You can't go wrong With a Winnie Caitlin Winnie The Wonder Years She's Winnie Kevin Suchet

Suchet Ooh you're going with Suchet Suchet Shantae It'd be cool if it was Sucky But he's like undefeated In high school wrestling Who you gotta wrestle this week

Sucky No You're done, dude. He's gone the opposite. Like Little John in Robin Hood. He's so big. He can do the Vision Quest peg thing backwards.

All right. You're a winner no matter what. Catherine Holmgren. Holmgren. The Mike Holmgren. Is she related to Mike Holmgren? Is she related to him? I don't know.

Manuel M. Mo Garcia. I love this person. What a great name. So tweets all the time at us. Just a great, great dude. Thank you so much. Emmanuel M. Moe Garcia. Great contributor.

How about Michael B.? Jordan. Michael B. in the place to be. Michael B. Jordan. John Gillies. Gillies. What's that from? That's from Saturday Night Live.

That was Kristen Wiig's character. Gillies. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I have a friend, my friend Jill. We were like, Jillies. So John Gillies. Travis Cooper. Travis Cooper is a contributor to the tour campaign like, Jillette, John Gires. Travis Cooper. Travis Cooper is a contributor to the tour campaign.

Undercover cop. Undercover cop. Travis Cooper. Is that the undercover name? Travis Cooper. That's the name of the cop undercover or the undercover cop's name? Travis Cooper, freelance gynecologist. All right, Jen Schrader.

Jen Schrader. Schrading it up. Thank you, Jen. Two N's on Jen, which I like. Timothy Roberts. Sounds like a famous actor from the 90s. Wasn't he in all the Woody Allen's movies? Woody Allen's movies?

Woody Allen's. Woody Allen's. You Ruth's Crist Woody Allen movies. Craig Groff Folsom. Dad in Folsom Prison. I love it. I wonder if we could all write down ahead of time what we think we're going to go,

and we all go the same way. You know where I'm going with this one, and I know where Jay's going with this one. Yeah, me too. Jennifer Roshek. It's a Roshek test. Oh, that's where you were going? I thought you were going to say

Jennifer Ro-shek. Roshek, Illinois? No. Oh. Like, uh... I don't know. What's the Shawshank? Uh, Roshek Redemption. Roshekshank. Uh,

Roshank Redemption. Roshank Redemption. No, but it is. Roshank Shredemption. Well, that's the beauty of a Jennifer Roshak is that it is what you see. You see in it what you want to see.

that's great. Uh, Claire DB. We used to have a kid's show in St. Louis. DB's Delight. DB's Delight, where it was a really creepy puppet.

Claire, you are not DB's Delight. Glenn. Glenn. Just straight up. He's the share of Dumb People Town. I'm going to do this one twice

because you know I have to. Linda Hartman, Linda Hartman. Linda Hartman, Linda Hartman. Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman. Yes. Linda Hartman contributes so much to this show. Yes.

Thank you so much. On all the social media, we love that she's part of this town. And then I want to give a huge shout out to my girl, Kristen Kim. Thank you, Kristen Kim.

Thank you so much, Kristen Kim. Double K. Thank you to all these people. If we haven't read your name, we're going to get to it. Kim. Thank you, Kristen Kim. Thank you so much, Kristen Kim. Double K. Thank you to all these people. If we haven't read your name, we're going to get to it. We really appreciate it. Especially Kristen. Look at her holding down the city council membership. She'll be co-hosting a show with us.

Oh, I can't wait. We're going to be starting those in the next, I'd probably say around December. And we had our first meet and greet. We had our first meet and greet. How good does that go? Truly, truly awesome. It was just a hang. It was a straight up hang pre-show

and we really got to know our pillars of the community. It was just fun and nice. They got to ask us questions and we had a blast. Thank you to all those people. It is fantastic to have you on board and if you haven't signed up for The Drip, that is a great way for you to support the show and start to right a wrong that happened

in this universe to our buddy Jan Flato. We're on our way to getting him back, but I think we need to get up to like 5,000 people on The Drip in order to make a wrong that happened in this universe to our buddy Jan Flato. We're on our way to getting him back, but I think we need to get up to like 5,000 people on the trip in order to make something like that happen. I think you guys can do that. All right, let's jump into story number two. You ready? This was sent in by Joe Luttrell, at the gentleman Joe. Thanks, Joe. He sends in so many.

Thank you. And in honor of the upcoming Halloween holiday, that's why we're doing this story. The day. The holiday. Holiday is celebrate. of the upcoming Halloween holiday. That's why we're doing this story. Hollins Day. The Hollins Day. Hollins Day. Hollins Day is celebrate.

James J. Yochum. With a J? No, it's that they put his nickname in the thing. James J as in like- J-A-Y. Right, and that was in quotes. Yeah. James- Just say James Yochum.

You can call me Jay. Have you ever met, you are one of them, Jason Sklar, anybody who's named James or Jason, you've called them Jay and they're like, don't do that? No. It has to. Sure, it exists. I've never assumed James or Jason goes by Jay.

Really? Unless they tell me I go by Jay. I just casually be like, Jay. And I'm like, yep. I assume every James goes by Jimbo. Jimbo. And I go by Jay. I just casually be like, Jay. And I'm like, yep. I assume every James goes by Jimbo. Jimbo. And I always assume that. Jimmy. Jim Bob. Jamestown Massacre. That's a bad one.

Oh, that's a horrible one. I waited for Mary to take a sip before I tried to water them. James J. Yochum loves haunted houses. I love them too. You do? James J. Yochum loves haunted houses. I love them, too. You do? Do you really? J.J. Yochum.

What do you love about them? I love them. So I'm going to invite you. I know this sounds crazy, but my kids' school, like, they do the greatest haunted house ever. I love a kid haunted house. You want to come to this? Nope. It's unreal.

Dan, it is. Of course. So all these people who are parents at my kids' school are, like, set designers and stuff. Oh, there you go. Amazing. All these people who are parents at my kid's school are like set designers and stuff. And so they make the most scary, most kick-ass haunted house that is so scary for these kids. Like as an adult, I'm like holding onto my son's hand. I'm like, I'm terrified. I'm literally like someone's coming at me.

It's so fun. It's at Wonderland Avenue School. If you want to come, let me know. Do you remember the old school UCB haunted house that Scott Aukerman used to do on Tuesday nights? I never went to that. You never went to it? I'm devastated.

The coolest thing we ever did was, and we were a part of this. God, was this fun. At the old Acapulcos, which was across the street from Largo at the Cornette. Oh. It was like an old Mexican. Hollywood Hell House. So we did like, we were the tour guides on Hollywood Hell House. Where Hollywood Hell House, the script was an actual script. Script from an actual church down.

Christian, like trying to scare you straight. Like a Pentecostal. Yeah, down, trying to scare straight. Jill Soloway was involved in it. Bill Maher. Bill Maher. Bill Maher played Jesus in one of them. And so we took a group of people around. It was a huge script that we had to learn.

And we took a group of people around to each thing. And it was like anti-homosexuality, anti-this, anti-abortion. Anti-abortion. All this stuff along the way. All the things that the Supreme Court's against now. And it just led you all the way in the end to like somebody who played Jesus. The other guy who played Jesus was, what's his name? He was part of-

Jim Vallely's thing? Jim Vallely's- Oh, yeah. The other guy. What is his name? I'm blanking on his name and he's so good. He was from Ferris Bueller's Day Off and he played the- Snooty?

Snotty? Samron? No, the guy from the Shea restaurant. Shea Louie, that really nice restaurant. That guy is so funny. He was part of the comedy team with Jim Vallely and he was so good in this and he played Jesus and they were both

unbelievable. And then at the end, there was this like Christian dance party at the end of the whole tour and with candy and cake. It was really one of the coolest things we've ever been a part of. And there were like two different sets of tour guides leading tours, all the groups. That's so fun. It was great. Mary, have you done the Haunted Hayride?

Oh, yeah. I do it every year. Yeah. Queen Mary's Dark Harbor is also great. That one gets scary. It does get scary. It gets scary if you're a little claustrophobic like me because you're walking through stuff in the horror where it's like, oh, there's, I can't move. And you're like, how close to me are they going to get?

Like, what are they going to do? They try and scare you. There's some like immersive theater experiences like Creep LA is a great one where you do sign a waiver where it's like, they're going to touch you. But it's just, it's truly just to like lead you places. Right, right, right. But I actually went. They're going to touch you is a phrase you should never hear.

They're going to touch you. I'm going to touch you. Where do you go. I went to, when I was growing up, so I grew up in a small town in Virginia, and there was a very active evangelical-like population there. And this boy that I was sort of dating, if you can do that when you're 12. Jonathan Schmock. Jonathan Schmock.

So good. Was not his name. No, no, no. That guy is very good. This guy from Ferris Bueller. Go ahead. Sorry, sorry, sorry. No, no, no.

But he went to this church and he took me to like a Hell House show. And I will never forget. I was like so confused by it because the little vignettes they were showing there was one of this woman like a little skit where this woman was her daughter was like mom please let's go to church don't go to work

don't put work above church and mom's like honey I have to work we have to have money and so the daughter's like okay and she watches her mom, like, drive off. And the mom gets into a car accident and goes straight to hell. Straight to hell. And it's wild.

And it's like, what's the lesson here? Well, she got, to be fair. Don't provide for your children. Well, to be fair, she did work in hell. She was going to her job. And honestly, she was. That's true. That's right.

She had to get into an accident every. Hell of a commute. Isn't it funny though When you're not indoctrinated With that stuff So you're literally Just looking at it With an objective eye

And you're like This doesn't check out It doesn't track People are like Wasn't that horrible Do you want that to be you No Yeah I want a job

I have to go to work Gotta make money Who's right here You shouldn't ever be saying As you're watching one of those Who are we rooting for Alright James J. Jotts.

Jotum. Jotum. Jotum. Oh, yeah. Sorry. No, don't ever say Jotum. I'm sorry. Don't, Mary. Jotum if you got him. Jotum if you got him. Dwight Jotum. Jotum if you got him. Barrett, come on in. I knew it. J. Jotum

loves haunted houses. At least he did. Until. Until this week. Someone punched him in the nuts. That's what's going to happen. A Friday night visit to a Madison, Tennessee attraction left Jay Yochum with a serious wound and Metro Nashville police at a, quote, dead end. Oh, God.

This is where you hate the people who write the article. No, I love it. It's really, it's primo pun time. In their investigation, according to a department spokeswoman, Chris Mumford. Spookswoman. Spookswoman. Oh, no, you did it. Okay, guys, you got me started.

In this article, she is a spookswoman. Yoachim and three friends on Friday night headed up to Nashville Nightmare in Madison, a horror thrill campus with four separate haunted houses, an escape room, carnival games, food vendors, and more. By the way, it sounds amazing. It does sound amazing. It's something, too. Even at the Haunted Hayride here in L.A.,

it's like a campus of stuff. And that's what I like more than even the ride is you're in the festivity of it. It's like a campus of stuff. And that's what I like more than even the ride is you're in the festivity of it. It's like the atmosphere of it. Yes, you're in the atmosphere of the time of year. Yeah, that's what I love. It's really nice. I love it.

I love it. Yo, Chim. So they go there. They headed up to Nashville Nightmare Madison with Haunt House's escape room, games, food, vendors, more. Right. Quote, Halloween is, ask any of my friends, my favorite time of year, Jay said. I go all out for decorating. I watch a horror movie every day.

I get really excited about going to haunted houses. There was one day where he didn't watch one. I swear to me, it was not every day. No, I do it every day. Jay, don't lie. I do it every day. You did yesterday. You had to go to work.

I did it when I went to work. You went to hell. I did it when I went to sleep. You went to hell. I went to hell because you went to work instead of church. And this also is the time of year, this and Christmas, is when the Hallmark Channel really shines. Yeah. I agree.

They do their scary movies every year, and then they go right into like 80 straight days of holiday Christmas movies. It's the best. Dan loves it. I do really love it. And I don't care if it's kitschy. It's mine. It is not kitschy. It's the Hallmark channel.

There's nothing kitschy about it. Before the night took a turn for the truly macabre, Joachim, Jay, and his friends, he said, had a fantastic time in the attractions. Quote, We had so much fun. We were jumping friends, he said, had a fantastic time in the attractions. Quote, we had so much fun.

We were jumping around, he said. There were character actors. I know, jumping around, I'm like, I bet he means from place to place. But in my mind, there was an adult bounce house. Shaped like a huge pumpkin. Yes. There were character actors in the courtyard space. It was called a jumbo lantern.

There were character actors in the courtyard space near the escape game building and carnival games where the group was standing. Jay's group started laughing and joking with someone they thought was a cast member. Oh, yes. That's bad when you look so bad

that people think you're like a zombie. Some people want to. I mean, come on, honey. At one point. Look at this guy. Look at this guy right here. They're just trying not to be scared. Look at this fucking idiot right here.

Weird comb over, poking him. Yeah. Ready for this? Yes. They're joking around with somebody that they think is a cast member. I love it. I love it. He's dead.

At one point, the cast member handed one of Jay's friends a knife and told her to stab Jay Yochum with it. What? What? The cast member, in quotes, wanted her to stab Jay Yochum as retribution for a joke made at the cast member's expense. They're probably joking. I'll be like,

you're not a real client or whatever. This is retractable. Right. And so the cast member or who they think is a cast member gives them a knife, gives them a knife to his friend and tells her stab J Yochum with this knife. Is this prosecutable? It's so funny to like, be like,

it's so weird. Like if he's got a knife and he's like, I want this guy stabbed, why didn't he do it himself? You make someone else an accomplice. He pulls the strings. He's the puppet master. He's a Halloweener.

Quote, this is from Jay. Keep in mind, we had been chased by chainsaws, holding other weapons and all all kinds of stuff all night, and it was all fake. Part of the fun. Right. So he holds out his arm. No.

Oh, my God. No. And she stabbed me with it, and that's when everything got really black. Oh, my God. Why did she do that? Why did he hold her? me with it and that's when everything got really black. Oh my god! Why did she do that? Why did he hold it? You're handing us a knife? I'll go along with this.

You definitely try to see if it retracts. When Jay Yochum looked down, he saw blood pouring from a knife wound that went clear through his forearm. Oh my god! Wait, how old is this guy? He saw blood pouring from a knife wound that went clear through his forearm. Holy! Oh, my God!

Wait, how old is this guy? We'll find out. We'll find out. We get to play Guess the Age. This is so fun. Guess the Age. I'm literally rocking in terror right now. That's crazy!

The thing I remember he said is the guy who gave it to her kind of freaking out. So the cast member guy kind of freaking out and saying things like, oh, I didn't know my knife was that sharp. I didn't know. I'm so sorry. I didn't know my knife was that sharp. Right. Is it pointed on the end and sleek? Is it a knife? Right. Exactly. I didn't know that

heated pot was so hot. Guys, here's a rule that people might need to know. Anything with enough force will go through anything else. That's great. That's just physics. You could put a screwdriver through someone's arm. There's like aftermath tornado footage of a straw through a light pole.

If you're doing it just right and it's bladed, I don't care how sharp it is, it's bladed. There's a tip to it. It will go through something. Imagine the guy being like, hey, take my knife. Okay, I'll take it. Now put it in his arm. Put your arm out. All right, I'll put my arm out.

Put it through his arm. Okay, I'll stab him. You're all dumb. You're all dumb. Everyone's dumb. The arm out's dumb. The handing of the knife guy's dumb. The girl putting it through the thing is dumb.

Unless they really wanted to hurt this guy. Then they're not being dumb. Their own friend, Jay? Well, then they're being very smart. No, no, not the person who handed the knife. If that person really wanted to inflict pain for real. And made the girl do it. And made the girl do it, then he's not dumb. He's a cheater. He didn't make her, he asked her. No, but he's using the cover of the

event and the knife. It's kind of brilliant. Jay's come all around against Jay. Why are we coming down on this guy, is what I'm saying. You're anti-Jay. Hold on a minute. Wait a minute. Are you a real cast member? Are you a cast member of this show?

Take this knife. No. I'll take it. I'll take it. All right, fine. Here's my arm. You know what? Here's my chest.

Just stab it right in my heart. Could you imagine? Yeah, stab me in the heart. I know. Here's my arm. You know what? Here's my chest. Just stab it right in my heart. Could you imagine? Yeah, stab me in the heart. I know. That's so crazy. All the way through. Everything went. She really used force because that can't be easy to do.

All the way through. Everything is a little hazy for Jay Yochum around then, but he remembers coming to, lying on a table with cast members, trying to keep him conscious as his friend was bawling next to him because she just stabbed her friend in the arm. Right. And that guy, the guy who gave the knife, nowhere to be found. Quote, no one wants to stab their friend, he said. Oh, really?

Welcome to dumb people town. Yeah, exactly. I've been stabbed and I still can't even imagine what it's like to accidentally hurt your friend like that. Jay has a lot of empathy even though he's the one. Oh, Jay. Jay. He's a sweet man. That's why we call him Jay.

I like him. To enter the attraction, each visitor must go through metal detectors, which Joachim said were, quote, very thorough and attentive. No weapons were allowed inside the attraction. Great. Quote, this is from the company, as we've continued to review the information, we believe that an employee was involved in some way. That's the thing.

They don't know if this person even worked for them or not. And he has been placed, well, I guess they do now. He has been placed on leave until we can determine his involvement. Nashville Nightmare organizers said in an email statement Tuesday evening, we are going over all our safety protocols and all of our staff again, as the safety and security of all our patrons is always our main concern. I'm going to ask you guys right now. How old is James

J. Yochum? Too much fun leaves marks in life. Living hard, you'll pay the price. Who is gonna get it right? Guess the age. Guess the age. Mary, you are our guest.

You can go first, Tig, which is second, or third. Tig Matar was the first person to ever say she wanted to go second. The three of us are going to guess. Tig, I'll go Tig. Okay, you're going Tig. Jay, go first. He's 33. 33 years old, the year of our Lord.

Yes. Which is very good. Mary. 49. 49 years old. Wow. Just a dude loving, doesn't talk to his kids, but loves a haunted house. And I relate.

Yeah. 23. 23 years old. He's young. He's still going to haunted houses. He's young. Okay. He's got friends that would stick it in.

I mean, actually, I take that back. He's 19. He's 19? 19. Oh, okay. Still using that dumbass nickname. All right. James.

Jay. Jay. Jay Yochum. Dan, I call him Jay. Jay Yochum. Still using that dumbass nickname. All right. James J. J. Yochum. Dan, I call him J. J. Yochum. The man who loves haunted houses more than anything, watches a haunted movie every single day. I mean one every day. Goes all out, teased a cast member, and got stabbed for it. You know he's going to be like,

this isn't going to stop my love of haunted houses. In fact, he's going to love it even more. He's going to strengthen it. There is no one that's ever going to talk to him for more than 30 seconds that isn't going to hear about this scar. Exactly. That's the first thing that comes out of his mouth on a telemarketer call. Probably going to get a tattoo around the scar, like a circle, and then the words, ask me. Ask about it. Ask me about this.

That's kind of a cool tattoo. It is cool. Ask me about this. James J. Yochum a cool tattoo. It is cool. Ask me about this. James J. Yochum is, get your answers in now, Tony. He is 29 years old. Oh, what's up? Jason is smart. It takes a J to know a J.

I knew him intimately inside and out. I know. You tried. There you go. I tried. I thought he was a father. He might be. He's a father figure, but not was a father. He might be. He's a father figure, but not yet a father.

How would you say? 49? I wish he was. I'm almost 49. So here's the deal. If you go to a haunted house, just don't take a check to see if it's a real knife if someone asks you to stab someone. That's it. If we do anything on this podcast and we

teach you that, or just say, you know what, I'll pass on stabbing someone I know. Serious, I mean this. The knife is always real. The gun is always loaded. That's how you need to live your life. That's how you gotta live your life. The gun is always loaded.

The car is always full of gas. The maid is always passed out in the kitchen. The maid is always passed out in the kitchen. The butter shots are always on the table. The ice cream's always gone. If you do tell your dad, you'll only ever be happy if you tell yourself the ice cream's always gone. Assume your ice cream is gone. And then when you open up your freezer, you get a treat.

You get a lovely little surprise. Let's take a break. Story 2 down in the bookstand. Give us a little teaser for Story 3. Oh, just a dumb criminal with a horrible excuse. I love it. All right. Mary Holland's with us.

We have one more story. This is Dumb People Town. Stay with us. Stick around. Make a sound for more Dumb People Town. Hey, townies. Welcome back to the show. We got Mary Holland here.

We got one more story, Dan. We do. Take us home, brother. Here we go. Ready? Mm-hmm. I want to remind story, Dan. We do. Take us home, brother. Here we go. Ready? Mm-hmm. I want to remind everybody, too. Go to danielvankirk.com.

I'm coming somewhere near you. Come see me. Sklars as well, guys. Yes, we'll be. Make sure you go see him. That's right. We will be. I believe this is going to drop because we're recording some of these early, but I believe

this drops. It's before Halloween, but I think it's after we were in Phoenix is my guess. Could be, yes. So this might be dropping on Halloween or close, damn near close to it. It's a week before. How spooky. Is it? I can't remember. Whatever.

Anyway, at any point, if it's before Phoenix, we'll be there doing Live Dumb People Town. 25th and 26th. 25th at the Pop-Up Podcast Studio with Burt Kreischer as our guest. And then we're headlining the 10-period prop the next night on that Friday night. Please come. We're going to be in Austin headlining the Cap City Comedy Club, one of the best comedy clubs in the country, the 7th through the 10th of November.

And just plenty of, and then Largo, we're doing a live on PeopleTown on December 10th. So we're going to get a big guest for that. Please come out for that if you want to.

Those tickets will go, I'm telling you. But all that stuff, superschoolers.com, you can check it out. Mary, do you have a live show coming up? In the Southwest.

Every week at UCB. Every week at UCB. Yes, we are. I'm trying to think when this show. Well, the next show, if this is coming out towards the end of October, will be November 3rd. Wild Horses at UCB has Betsy Sedaro. Oh, hell yeah. Who's a real dreamboat.

She's a treasure. Awesome. It's a great show. If you haven't seen Wild Horses you need to yes please are you ready for this guys ride with us

ride sent in by Christopher Malkoski at crunchyroll but it's R-O-L-E crunchy I'm sorry cunchyroll

cunchy C-U-N-C-H-Y R-O-L-E that sounds so dirty cunchy is like someone you call like when you call there's when you call someone who works who's kind of a bitch at a Whole Foods store.

There you go. She's kind of cunchy. Cunky Chambles? Cunky Chambles. A man was arrested Saturday morning after getting stuck up on a roof of a convenience store in DeLand, Florida,

north of Orlando. Oh, no. Stuck up on the roof. Stuck up on the roof. Of a convenience store in Florida. It's very easy to get stuck up on a roof. Right. If you can get up there.

If you can get up there. Then how are you going to get down? Right. That's the most inconvenient thing about a convenience store. Yeah. The roof access. The roof itself. Maybe yes.

Let's high five Mary. convenience store. Yeah, the roof access. The roof itself. Maybe yes. High five, Mary. According to a video released by the Volusia County Sheriff's Office, the owner of the store saw a head pop over the roof of the locked store and heard a man saying, quote, I'm dying.

I need help. Oh, no. That's when the owner just called the cops. All right. So. Yes. Yes. So you know how like most people when you see like maybe, oh, we got squirrels in the attic. All right, so. Yes. So you know how like most people

when you see like maybe, oh, we got squirrels in the attic. Right. This is like Florida. You're like, we got dumb people on the roof. Oh, yeah. We're fucked. We gotta get them out.

The owner of the store is like walking up to the store, like walking up to open up his store and just sees a little head pop up. I need help. I'm dying. Yes. Also, oh my God.

It's so, if someone said to me in that context, I'm dying. I need help. I'm dying. Also, oh my God. It's so, if someone said to me in that context, I'm dying. I need help. I'm so ashamed to say that. My first thought is no. Bullshit. What am I getting dragged into? Yes.

You're not dying. So that's the cautious, smart way to approach it. But this is what you have to do because we're heading into this season right now. You have to spray for meth heads every single time. Up and down the house. You want to tent the store, especially the roof. The roof. Roof bumps.

Mary, have you had your roof sprayed for meth heads yet? No, I haven't. It's the season. No, well, I spray the sides. I never spray the roof. You don't want to get roof bumps. Those are really hard to get rid of. Really? I just love the store owner being like, what? I spray the sides. I never spray the roof. Well, then you don't want to get roof bums. Those are really hard to get rid of. I just love the store owner being like, what?

I'm dying. Okay, I'm going to call the cops. Yeah. No, I'm dying, man. Yo, I know. No, I know you are. I'm going to call the cops. I'm dying to call the cops right now, so stop interrupting me.

Best people to help you. Men in blue. According to the video, that's where you see him call the cops. After law enforcement officers got him down, the shirtless man later identified as Michael Monticelli. He was shirtless? I know. That seems surprising. It doesn't add up.

Said he was simply thirsty and in need of water, which I hope they're being like, all right, you're under arrest. I just want some water. I mean, is that such a crime? Is that such a crime? I mean, if you guys have ever been really thirsty, then it does kind of feel like dying in a way. You know what I mean? You don't understand.

We're arresting you right now. Yeah, yeah, no, I get that. I just really need some water. No, I know, I know, I know. I know, I know, I know. Can I just have a little bit of water? Just a little bit of water. So right.

I'm going to show you guys a picture of this dude. Oh, no. He's everything we want him to be and more. If Ethan Embry's character from Empire Records went the wrong way, that's kind of what he looks like. He has a bad Ethan Embry and a tattoo necklace. He looks like my buddy Brian Redband. So he's got tattoos. And a little Jeremy Renner in there. Jeremyband. So he's got tattoos. And a little Jeremy Renner in there.

Jeremy Renner. He's got tattoos. What is this? What is that? That looks like a fireman's helmet maybe. It's a fireman's helmet. Yeah. So he's wearing athletic shorts, yet nothing looks athletic about him at all.

No, not at all. Not at all. It's like if Umbrose, like that should be a new ad for Umbrose. Yeah. Yeah, do what you can. Umbrose, we'll get you down off the roof. Deputies did not believe that he wasn't trying to break into the business. Of course he was.

Guys, I want you to understand about this. I went up on the roof to get some water. I'm not trying to break in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why am I? Everyone knows that water is up high. Okay? How else on the roof to get some water. I'm not trying to break in. Everyone knows that water is up high. How else am I going to get water?

Hello, water rises. We know this. Water rises. Explain clouds. How do clouds work? This is a guy who... What happens in every flooding? The water rises. You think I'm crazy? It's weather channel shit. This guy, this is a guy

who while not in court ends every argument with, I rest my case. Right. Why wouldn't it be up there? I rest my case. I went up on the roof to get some water and then I got up there and I got stuck and I thought I was dying.

They said he climbed a tree to gain access to the roof. I'm going to ask you guys now, you've all seen a picture of him. How old do you think this guy is? Michael Monticelli. Okay, I'll go take.

Okay, take again. All right, then I'll go first. You go first. I'll go first. Randy says. This guy is 31 years old. 31 years old. Mary. Mary.

This guy is 49 years old. 49. You're not budging off that. No, no, no, no, no. One of these guys is going to be 49. Kevin Pollak went back-to-back same money, and he got them both exactly right. Oh, my God. So there's nothing wrong with what you're going for.

Exactly right. Jason Sklar. I would say, if you told me this guy was in the band Sublime, I would also be like, yep. And he passed away. 27. He's a ghost. 27 years old. Okay, so Randy says-

31. 31. Mary says- 49. 49. Jason, 27. Jason? 27. He's a ghost. 27 years old. Okay, so Randy says 31. 31. Mary says 49. Jason, 27. Jason says 27. One of you is exactly right. Oh my god! So now we get to play the second game, which

is which one of us is exactly right. Okay, I'm sorry. What were the ages again? 31, 27, 49. So you have a chance to redeem yourself. Do you want to go first, Tig, or third in the second level of this game? I'm going to go Tig every time. Okay, so, Jay? I'm right.

I know that it's... And I think I'm right. Hold on, Mary. Go second. Go, Mary. Okay, so you're right, and you said 30. 27. 27.

Okay. Okay, here's the thing. I was closest before. I'm right. Oh! And I know it's 49. Okay, great. Good confidence. Look at her commitment. I'm going to say I'm right. He's it's 49. Good confidence.

Look at her commitment. I'm going to say I'm right. He's 31. Townies, get your answers in now. Shout both answers. Don't you love that there is somewhere across America at this very moment, people are in their cubicles, people are on the subway just yelling out Randy, 31.

Jason, 27. Mary, 49. Get those answers in now because Michael Monticelli, the man who climbed a tree in search of water, not trying to break any laws, is... 49. 31 years old. God damn it! He should have been 49. He should have been 49. I feel like I'm up on the roof just drinking water.

We're going to get out of here on one of my favorite excuses of what someone did when they broke the law. This is what he said. Michael later explained, quote, sometimes t-shirts write themselves. And this is his quote. I didn't even try to do it. It just happened, man. You're being arrested for breaking, you're breaking. You broke an entrance.

I didn't even try to though It just happened It just happened man I love that That really makes my heart go out to him Because he's like I really didn't It just happened man I'm a fucking natural bro

I got up on that roof That just happened man I didn't even try It just happened comma man is the shirt I didn't even try. I have to try. It just happened, comma, man, is the shirt. Is the shirt. I don't think you need the first part. It just happened. It just happened, man.

I think you're right. Thank you. Boom. Boom. I think you're right. Those are dumb people town stories. Everything in dumb people town just happened. That's right.

Well, there you go. Holy shit. Definitely check Mary out. How can people follow you on the Twitters and the Instagrams? They can follow me on the Twitters, at Instagrams? They can follow me on the Twitters at mholland85 and on the Instagrams at maryhollandays like the source. Hollandaise!

And if you get the chance to see her live, don't fucking do that. Do it. Do it. Do it. And if you get a chance to see Dan live, get a chance to see us live. We'd love to see you out there. And oh shit oh we gotta get back to work stick around make a sound on your down it's dumb people town it's a good show