Dumb People Town - Mary Lynn Rajskub - Tip of The Spear

Episode Date: March 22, 2022

This week Mary Lynn Rajskub comes to town to hang with Daniel, Jason and Randy. The first story is about a wild claim about litter boxes in school. The second story is a painful lesson about why you shouldn't take dares. The final story is someone taking their mom's car.

Skypains out of here. Hey, Townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Rice Cup population we nailed it we married the third we love you hi how are you i love you so much i mean i like how you just don't even you're like title guest we're here you're here we wanted you here why would we waste any time not talking to you and anybody who has this on their phone or any device already sees that you're here. So why would we deny them that? And look,

I'm a podcast listener. Get me into the comedy right away. Right away. Remember like Zoom shows and you had headline and then you'd be like, don't show your video and then you'd be like, don't show your video and then you'd show up. In the crowd, in the audience.

You're already in. You're already in and I love it. And I love talking about dumb people and doing dumb things with you. So I'm going to jump in right away. I'm going to tease the fact that you have a new book that everybody can pre-order that I was reading some stuff on

and it is so funny. Great title. Best title of a book I've heard of. Famish. And if it's anything close to the way we text each other, which by the way, you text so fast. You're the fastest texter in the West. Fastest, funniest. Fastest, funniest texter

in the West. My son, he'll be impressed with me. Oh, we will. We already wrote him a letter. We'll make him listen to this. It's it's gonna be funny but we've got dumb to get into and get all up over so daniel our friend our friends are fans they send us wonderful stories they email all three of us stories i like when they tag you guys too uh if anybody wants to do the same thing just like pat mcmoran did mcmoran mcmoran at mcmopat. All you have to do is go to Twitter, at DanielVanKirk, hashtag Dumb People's Town. That's how I get the stories. You guys ready for this headline?

Oh, yeah. School district denies litter boxes for students identifying as furries. What? First of all, this is so dumb. This story is so dumb. First of all, furries don't need litter boxes. So even your understanding of what a furry is or does is incorrect. Dan, correct me if I'm wrong, but furries shit their pants.

Am I right, Mary Lynn? Isn't that how that works? Everyone knows that that's the allure of being the furry. The beautiful animal on the outside outside shit on the inside. That's right. I would also say metaphor for us, furries, furries,

mascots, and all of us in general, it all just comes down to how quickly or how hard it is to get out of these clothes. Eventually you shit yourself. Okay. So every woman who's ever worn a jumper can tell you how difficult it is. Yeah.

A romper or a jumper. The jumper is like, oh, I'm so hot. It's so sleek. And then, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's on the floor. It's a one-way street. It should be. Which, by the way, is fine if you're at someone's house in the bathroom.

But, Marilyn, what if you're at a bar? Or what if you're at a restaurant? And it's like, you don't know what the floor is like in a restaurant of a bathroom. I don't even want to put my purse on the floor. I have a whole bit in my new hour about how I'm a basic bitch. And one of the jokes in that bit is I say things like, yes, if we're going to Taco Bell, I love a Mexican pizza. If I get married, the theme song from big little lies is gonna be my wedding dance and then i go and then i go yes i yeah i go yes i take my clothes

off when i pee i look good in a romper so i'm already on board with this but if you're a mascot it's the same thing we all shit ourselves it's harder for mascots and furries dan is one of your basic bitch things you pronounce it zinfandel for sure it's so funny you say that i did i haven't done i didn't do it on the latest one you just remind me i used to start that bit out by being like guys i was meant to be a basic bitch my first glass of wine was at a wake and it was white zinfandel out of a box and my first car was a Pontiac Grand Am. I was meant to be. You were born. It was the role you were born to play. Funny because I go to the Dell to enjoy my Zinf.

Yeah. Enjoy my Zinf. That's just me though. I love it. Zinf and Dell. Go to the Wisconsin Dells. It sounds like you're really hitting the in the suit hard like i feel like you've had some personal experience i just identify i just it can't be easy getting

in and out of some of these mascot outfits costumes are you you're imagining enduring the happening like you you're i was or it's happened i was a character escort at universal studios i do have an understanding of what it takes these heroes to get in and out of these mascot or but a furry look a mascot at universal is you're trying to make money you're trying to do the game a furry is a choice like you're there for the party right this is how i get off right well that's not always true either we're gonna get angry letters you go down that road that's how i enjoy as i understand it at every furry convention they just want to have fun but whether it's a furry convention or like an accounting convention there is always a group

of people that want to go back to the hotel and have weird sex and quote unquote punch the numbers i get it or crunch the numbers yeah crunch punch crunch punch hey i don't know what these people look at don't judge randy for saying punch the numbers if that's what i keep i'm like i champion every sort of okay Okay. What are the numbers? It's a load of kitty litter. Horrible news to start this out in this article. This comes from the New York Post, so that tracks. Of course.

A Michigan school district has debunked a wild claim that a school provided litter boxes for students who identified as furries, which are people who dress up as anthropomorphic animals, a Facebook post detailing. So we've already checked all the boxes, right? Something's happening at a school that's a rumor and not true. People are mad about it. It still isn't true. And we've looped in Facebook. So we've gone to Facebook. Yeah, exactly. Throw it in the culture war pot. Detailing the hilarious rumor is blowing up

online quote there is no truth whatsoever to this false statement accusation wrote michael e charo who's by his name alone you can tell he's had enough the superintendent for midland public schools near detroit which was accused of the bizarre concession at a december 20th board meeting so this came out now but this was just in time for christmas they're dealing with enough so it's true right yeah no because that's not okay i'm sorry i'm just trying to figure out how things become facts mary lynn you even if there were little boxes who is it bothering if there are litter boxes around the school for kids to just what's the big deal thank you you know we know, we're learning. We're part of the animal kingdom. I think we've gotten too far away from that.

Very true. We need to be closer. To our animal roots. Yeah, to our animal. Well, maybe not. At the school sit-down, concerned parent. This is our big dumb. This is the spear, the tip of the spear of dumb.

Tip of the spear. Concerned parent, Lisa Hans Hansen said she was really disturbed after reportedly learning from a student that at least one of our schools in our town. Could you be more vague while seemingly being so upset? One of our schools in our town in one of the unisex bathrooms, a litter box for the kids is placed for kids that identify as cats, which also isn't a furry. No. I'm upset. I really want to get this straight story. I think something happened.

Something really did go down. Right. Wait, Dan, couldn't they have come up with a compromise and out on the playground just said here's your litter box? They don't want kids going. There never was one, Jason. There never was one.

That's a good solution, though. Couldn't the outdoor playground just be its own litter box? Pee over there. The playground. People play with their own shit. Duh. I'm going to give you now a quote from Lisa's boyfriend or husband that was not put in the article

he said when asked about this whole story he said at least she's not yelling at me he said quote she does her thing i do mine i'm joking for all of our listeners we're kidding not in the article uh so then at the school sit down this all happened she said quote I'm all for creativity and imagination, but when someone lives in a fantasy world and expects other people to go along with it, I have a problem with that, added Hanson, who defined furry as someone who identifies as a cat or a dog or whatever. Can I also say?

It's not a whatever. Exactly. And if you are in any sort of argument and your case involves you saying the words or whatever you've lost, right? Done your research. If you're thrown out or whatever, you're a teenager or you've lost an adult argument,

right? Thank you. You're, you're like, I'm half in on this thing, right? Dan, right.

That's how old Mary Mary Lynn, how old's your son? You know, he's 13, but I remember this was a really sweet time. Tell me if you guys had this with your kids. Where they pretend to be a kitty cat. Yeah. Yes. What's wrong with that?

Or a cougar. There's a window where they really think they are. Yeah. They're like a year and a half, maybe two years. There's a window where they really think they are. They're like a year and a half, maybe two years. It's around, I think forts start to edge out the kitty cat. Forts are always pretty standard and then the forts

are really important. Right before that, it's let's play kitty cats. It's so sweet. I don't even think my son would remember. It was the best because you get cuddles, you get mew, mew, and just a very contained little loving, little playful. It is a delight. If my son had wanted a litter box,

you would have given it to him. What are we worried that he's gonna like suddenly do that for the rest of his life come on no look furries are not the same so this but by the way this is the root of all like culture war stuff about like well if we just let people identify as whatever they're gonna want to identify as cats here we go you nailed it on the head here is the next thing this dumb ass and i'm calling it okay dumb she also claimed that the nefarious practice was part of a quote agenda being pushed within the education system no it's not because this never happened and i'm going to show you guys a picture

of her mary lynn you could play this woman with your eyes closed on stage tonight in a three-act play if you needed to. She is everything you think she's going to be. Picture a mom who's been misinformed, but that is not going to let her get in the way of yelling about her children and what they're having to deal with, even though it's all fake. Are you ready to see her? Yes. Let's see her. Okay. This is her.

Oh, God. Yeah. Look at her. Look at at her she's never had her glasses all the way up on her face lisa hansen she's like the villain in every high school musical doesn't it look like and i can't wait for townies to see this doesn't it look like she's like i mean what are we even talking about like that's how she ended her whole argument i mean i'm not gonna stand here and allow the educational system agenda by the way the education system has no agenda all right their agenda is to just try and survive that's right the

only agenda that they have that's like that's like saying this homeless person has got a real agenda he's he's putting some psychological warfare on me no he's not he's trying to get a meal he's trying to not sleep on a grate he's trying not to get robbed while he's sleeping that's it that's what you end up at a podium complaining about this it hasn't it already been debunked like how does she get herself in her plaid jacket at a podium yeah what is even the argument because she thinks she's a kid dan we cannot give this woman a voice and by the way this is now her tinder picture That's what I was going to say. This is her new Facebook profile. That's right.

Mary Lynn, am I wrong? You would crush this. It's obviously not an audition. It's a straight offer for you. But you would crush it. Yeah, it would be amazing. Maybe the other side of the furry fetish is a lady like this that complains about how dare you try to have an imagination and live in a fantasy world.

So you're saying it's like a Roman Roy type of a thing. Nothing's being done to you. Nothing's been done to you. Nothing's been done to you for a thing that didn't happen. Right. You're upset about a thing that isn't real. So who's really living a fantasy life here?

These kids. Or you with your fake outreach. yeah there's a roman cherry component oh yeah it's all in the mind footage of her spurious accusation was subsequently shared to facebook thursday by michigan republican party co-chair mishawn maddock who wrote parent heroes will take back our schools now look we are dumb people town we are here to make people laugh i'm not here to get in any political side of this at all so you can already skip that but the idea that then other people pick and i don't care what party they're with but they just blindly pick up the torch of whatever she's yelling about and use it to then say and i'm mad too about this thing that isn't real nope this is so dumb yep this is just

dumb it's just dumb it's unconscionable it's terrible but i will say this they got to get rid of those litter boxes i mean i'm it's it's crazy how many times have you guys gotten involved in your kids like the curriculum you know what i mean imagine being at home like why are you learning this it's like I'm like I'm never going to know that I'm always like great whatever it is you're learning unless they're like like banning books or something but other than that

my involvement is did you get it done that's where I'm at both of you your guys involvement is did we get it done because I'm at. Bullshit. Jason and Randy, both of you, your guys' involvement is, did we get it done? Did we get it done? Because I'm not staying, I'm not staying up till 10 o'clock tonight with you.

Did we get it done? The amount of times I've been in both of your houses and there's some remnants of a science project on the table that we have to do tonight. We have to get it done. Yeah. Even if you're annoyed by some subject, isn't the idea that you hope for your child, just be curious and get more information about anything anything yeah why would it ever be why are you teaching this that's that's

about you you have a problem how about how about why don't you get some more information from different sources why is it never a parent calmly going here i have 10 more books you can read that will give you uh a view a scope of this about anything why not go oh here's some more information you might want to learn about that or whatever you know here's what i here's my worldview and here's what you can learn about it sure the same day that this person said that she's a hero, right? For nothing. For nothing. She didn't do anything.

Shero, that's like Michael E. if you're nasty, he took to Facebook to clarify that the rumor was, in fact, false. So now he's got to wade into the lion's den here with already people believing things dumb and then try to get them to understand. It's like, don't look up. He's like, guys, just look up please look up um it's unconscionable that this afternoon i am sending this communication he's so mad that he's typing i can't believe i have to send this off

however our midland ps stakeholders may be confused about a false message slash accusation that has resurfaced which means he's already annoyed because he's dealt with this once at what point does he go to all caps dan he did with the ps uh resurface this week and is gaining traction in the social media realm if he calls it a realm you know he doesn't even want to be on social media cesspool right you know what else has realms mortal combat mortal combat house has realms so does facebook uh he the boss added, let me be clear in this communication. There have never been litter boxes within MPS schools. Cut to somebody being like, my daughter took our cat to school with a litter box, so I already know he's lying. One citizen wondered how the litter box system would even work, writing,

citizen wondered how the litter box system would even work writing logistically no public school has the budget to afford kitty litter for a small percentage of their community that also you that they they also need to use also ask yourself if there is a janitor you've ever met who would scoop human feces out of a litter box first of all i'm sure no willingly no but i'm sure janitors have cleaned up so much human substance dan i'm gonna go two steps even further back who's taking a shit at school who who in this goddamn world is taking a dump at school people no people i'll just say this i'll just say this people really need to only if you absolutely have to only if it's an emergency. If you're in school every day, you're on a schedule. Yeah. Like that's what we're hoping.

Like you have enough of a life that you can have a schedule. You're going before or after school. Period. Something's wrong in your digestive tract. If you've got to run to the bathroom a couple times a year, maybe. Maybe. So when we were kids, there was this – i'll never forget our janitor at our grade school the first four years we were great five years we were at grade school kindergarten through fourth grade great little grade school weber elementary so it's not like a government center but it was

in st louis bill do you remember him bill bill nukem nukem was his name and he was a tall thin guy with like a big adam's apple this dude and, when any of the kids would throw up, he would just come out with the straw. We called it the strawberry salt. Just throw the strawberry. Throw that all over. Throw the strawberry salt. He's throwing that down hallways. I'm sure I was putting like asbestos

and fiberglass into my lungs forever. You're right though. That's exactly what that was. I don't think you can throw strawberry salt on this problem. So he goes, hey, everybody, this is fake. One citizen wondered exactly what I said. Who would do this? They're underestimated.

And then I'm going to admit to you all as my friends, I went down a bit of a rabbit hole that I think I want to, because it really drove me nuts. I have, I've had people write into pen pals that were at a furry convention i was once at a thing where there was like furry things we actually i don't know if we did the story but one time there was three furries that stopped a guy who had violently assaulted a woman and they held him down until the cops got the furry community is much better than just a whole bunch of people who like to get off but i hope that's also part of it because love who you love

so there are an estimated 250 000 people in the u.s who identify as furries a subculture whose members enjoy dressing up as cartoonish animals sometimes as a sexual fetish but more often as a fun escape i would say why not both don't limit yourself um furries like so many others who have hobbies engage in limited fantasy dr sharon e roberts associate professor professor of the university of waterloo and a co-founder of the international anthropomorphic research i always feel like i say it wrong project she gave the example of a far more this this is what i loved and i just wanted to share with you guys you're talking about the

irp yes of course you know me yeah she gave the example of a far more mainstream Star Trek convention. Someone who cosplays as Captain Kirk is unlikely to show up for work on Monday and demand that their phone be replaced with a Starfleet communicator. Similarly, furries might attend a furry convention, a local meetup, or simply connect with others online, but they return to everyday life on Monday just just like everybody else yeah right yeah they know the difference between fun make-believe and life they know how to do it you guys want to see a picture of a furry convention because it is

it looks like a party this is it i'm gonna bring i'm gonna put it up it's a freaking pajama that's a pajama party that's a one stand right in the middle of that and get your new album cover any of you guys uh-huh i mean if it's hot out there dan i can't smell it i did not like the idea of furries until just now because it's it's not the um costume party when you go and not everyone's dressed up like the right they're in that's the the key to it is you know everybody's in that's got to be really this looks like toontown this is like the end of roger rabbit or this looks like so much fun everyone in a disney park going on strike i mean and what would you what would your i would do a picture with these guys this would be our comedy album and then the same spot completely

empty with all the whatever furry trash on the ground and our and our album would be our comedy album and then the same spot completely empty with all the whatever furry trash on the ground and our and our album would be called before and after that's great mary lynn loves it i'm sorry great i think mine would be daniel van kirk on all fours on all furs. No, you dork. Mine would be love forever. Yeah. I like it.

One for the ages. I love it. Daniel Van Kirk, let's get weird. Love it. Okay, so it says furries are often framed in a negative light. For instance, just to tell you guys this, we'll get out of here on this. In 2017, Scott Chamberlain,

a councilman from New Milford, Connecticut, was forced to resign when it came to light that he was a furry. His fursona, a fox called Gray Muzzle, was confirmed via Chamberlain's profile on a website called SoFurry.com. And I just wanted to tell you guys, I was going to keep it a surprise, I created profiles for all three of you on SoFurry.com. No way. I'm joking. I wish I had time to do that. I want to know badly.

Look, so he was a little fox, a little gray fox that said the Holocaust never happened. What? Why are we so wrong? Why? Why are we mad at that? These heroes, these heroes among us. That's story number one, friends. Just listen to the truth when it is being told.

All right, we got Mary Lynn. We're going to talk about her book that you can pre-order on the other side of this break it's dumb people town don't go anywhere stick around make it sound there's more hey guys welcome back to dpt that's dumb people town before we get into all the awesome mary lynn stuff i want to remind people Dan is doing some great shows, live and virtual. Let them know, Dan. I'm on tour again.

So I'm hitting up the East Coast the first week of April. April 5th, I am going to be in Albany. And then I'm going to say this wrong for the people who care, but I tried my best. On the 6th, I'll be in Worcester. How do you guys say it? Worcester. Worcester.

Worcester, Mass. And then I'm going to be in Boston. And then two nights in Philly. Friday night and Saturday night, the 8th and 9th. And then in the 10th, I am in New York City and I have more dates coming up. I'll be in the South at the end of April and I'll be doing other stuff in May. But it's all at

DanielVanKirk.com plus some great hangs. I hope you come check it out. We'll be at Moon Tower Comedy Festival. Oh, together. What am I saying? Skip that. We're doing a live Dumb People Town. And I'm doing that Come and Take It Comedy Festival at Moon Tower Comedy Festival. Oh, together. What am I saying? Skip that. We're doing a live Dumb People Town. In April. And I'm doing that Come and Take It Comedy Festival at the end of May. So, sorry.

You guys helped me be a better promoter. No, that's good. So, we're going to be at the 21st through the 24th at the Moon Tower Comedy Festival in Austin, Texas of April. And then the 14th and 15th, right, we'll be at the Crocodile in 13th, 14th, 15th, right, Jay? Crocodile in Seattle. In Seattle. I'm very excited about those shows. And we'll see about what else we're going to do.

You can catch us. Join our Patreon, patreon.com slash Sklodbrothers. We're doing new episodes of Chief Seats. And we are just. Mary Lynn participated in it. She was amazing in it. If you want to see Mary Lynn on our new show, The Nosebleeds, she's brilliant in a sketch that also includes,

oh, the great Al Madrigal. Oh, the great Stephanie Escajeda. Oh, Jon Hamm. Just so many great people involved in this thing. It's going to be amazing. The Nosebleeds, which will drop on UFC Fight Pass this summer, will let you all know how you can just watch it, enjoy it, support it, so we get to make a bunch more. Dana Van Kirk writing on the show. It's just a good time all around. All right, Mary Lynn, let's talk about the book Famish. I was

reading about it, reading excerpts from it. Even the thing that describes what the book is, it's a bunch of collected essays. It just was so fun. The little stories you use to kind of tease it are so funny. Yes. Thank you very much. You know, I'm ready with my tour dates. I'm going to read off to you guys. Those two. Those two.

Yeah, I'm doing a combo. Stand up. And for the book. Let's see. March. No, we're out of March. We're in April. Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, Aurora, Illinois,

Atlanta, Georgia, Arlington, Virginia, Nashville, Tennessee, Levittown, New York. Those are my upcoming dates. Awesome. On and on. Go to Maryland, Maryland, Maryland.com. You can pre-order the book. You can look and see if I'm in your city. But yeah, the book came out of, I just pivoted at COVID. You know, all my stuff was live that was coming up. And then it was, it was so cool. Cause I just got into writing this book and then, and then the stories kept coming and it's a lot of personal stuff. It's a lot of like personal insight. Like that's why I named it famous because it's like the low and the high, like one of my essays is about working at Denny's and how I like laundromats because, you know, I'll be working on a big movie, but then my day off, I'm just like sitting in a laundromat, you know, on the curb, just like, yeah, totally. So I love

both of those things. And even like, for real, you know, honestly, this is maybe a little bit of my ego, but it's like, you don't even realize it's happening. But when I was on 24, I just thought like, it's just gonna get better from here right you know what i mean it's not like oh i think i'm so great or i think i'm gonna make this much money a part of it is you don't think it's ever gonna be you just like all right this launched me now i'm gonna go on to this and this and this and it's like oh no that that shit is over like the show is over i'm like you don't go to golden globes anymore you know what i mean there was a period in my life where i was like oh it's award season like that's just my life now you know yeah it comes around and it's award season and then the next

time it's like oh i'm no longer part of the fox family like it's all that's right that's crazy they've disowned me and you know for me for me, it was, of course, starting in stand up. And then I had all the things, you know, I had the TV show, the new family, and now I'm like, divorce, I'm back on the road as a comic. But I have all those stories of, you know, what it takes to kind of go through that and what's important and what you really are. But it's also like juxtaposed with the celeb stuff. So there's a lot of fun, just celeb anecdotes in there as well.

I mean, I think of just the experiences you've had, the ability to work on and the experience of working on two of the greatest comedies of the 90s and into in Mr. show and larry sanders show i mean those two shows like shaped so many people who then went on to make great and you are part of both of those shows it's just a remarkable story you have from that or it's just yeah it is really amazing and that i'm like you know it comes with like age and longevity. Like, thank God I'm still like doing well. I'm very thankful.

I love the whole roller coaster of it. But looking back, I was like, dang, I was I was lucky. Like I hit on a wave at the right time, the right place, the right people. Like, yes, I had talent, but there was like a moment I was riding this wave. Like that was that is unheard of to be like Mr. Show, Larry Sanders. And at the time I was like,

yeah, this is cool. Right. I mean, I'm looking back. I was like, that was amazing. Like that,

that, that whole run I went on. I mean that run and that 24. And then like, we'd be at Largo on a Monday night doing comedy and you and Karen would just kind of walk in and do girls guitar club. And then I like saw that in the anniversary. Anniversary that movie that was. It was that was just a magical time yeah we were just like in and

around that crowd as they were making the anniversary party. We met Jennifer Jason Lee because there was like friends of friends and you made that as an independent movie and they saw us and thought we were hilarious. That's right. And they were like, come be extras in this movie. And then they ended up using one of our joke songs that went over this whole montage of the friends in the movie. It was such a magical. That's so cool.

Just like a super creative, like an organic, fruitful time. But then to sort of bring it back,'s like you don't like there's a reason you were lucky but there was a reason why all those people kept wanting you to be a part of those things there's a reason why they want to use that and there's a reason why we were like we got to have her do this thing in our show and then you walked on our set this past week and like crushed in ways that you gave dimensions to it that like we didn't even think about. There was just one little thing

where you're going back and forth between different two cameras that are there. And it was just, what you were doing was killing us. And there's no way we could write that in. We kind of just have to be like, all right, here's the thing and hopefully Mary Lynn will throw her magic dust on it and it'll be what it is. And that's exactly what you did.

So it's just, it's awesome to like- Oh, you gave me the magic dust to work with. I mean, honestly, not to be like, oh no, you, like a mutual admiration, but it is, it's like, because we've known each other for so long, we trust you. And that's what you guys were saying too,

that you could write to your friends, that that's like the beauty of having sort of a scene. I mean, it's a little bit fractured these past few years than it was for me, like back when I first started when you, you know, everyone kind of breaks off and, you know, has a family. But we all know each other, like we still know each other. And you can pull all these people in and you know, like, oh, they're gonna do this, they're gonna do that type of performance. And

that's like the cool thing about collaboration is because I know you guys, I trust you guys. I get the piece and I'm like, I say yes without even, then I'm looking at it and I kind of like get a sense of, you know, what you're looking for and what I can bring to it. And I mean, it's the same if you ask the three of us to be like, Hey, I need you to do this thing. Like, you know, we'd come with like the most heat, like with all of it ready to rock and like, just bring one, do what we do because that's what we do for each other. All right, so the book is called Famish. You can pre-order it right now.

You can get it on Amazon anywhere, right? I'm assuming anywhere you want to go. Yeah, just like Google Famish the book and it'll come up. Can't wait to read it. This is your summer read, like pre-summer read. Get it.

It's going to come out in May, but you can pre-order it now. Support Mary Lynn. Yeah, let's put this on the bestseller list. Let's get it up there. come out in may but you can pre-order it now support mary lynn she's somebody who's on the on the bestseller list let's let's get it up come on dpt all right dan should we jump into another story you guys ready let's do it yeah uh okay this came in from john chataway at away chataway uh c-h-a-t-t-a-w-H-N-O-Y. Ready for this headline? You guys have kids? Yep. School boy loses both nipples after classroom dare.

Nope. Yeah. No. No. Mary Lynn is laughing for the listeners at home. Yeah. First of all, how good of a dare? It must have been a great dare

that's dude what was the truth he was hiding that's a better question if you lose both nipples you got a big secret yeah you're like the tongue on the pole for yeah yeah christmas story yeah for sure hey i got chills just a student losing a student lost his nipples after he was dared to squirt two cans of body spray on them causing the body parts to fall off oh so i guess just the cold condensation of the aerosol frozen kids brains are not fully formed until they are 25 this is why you can't rent a car longer okay this is why you can't rent a car longer okay this is why you can't rent a car until you're 25 because they're like you can't be responsible with other people's stuff even if it's only for a weekend you can't you just can't sure dude dan

it or it took me till i was probably well into my 30s to not drive over a box that i saw you guys have been saying my car you guys have said that since i i think back in the original days as we come up on 10 years of you being like there's a point in your life where you avoid the bag in the road and there's a point before that point where you're like hit that bag come on through it see if i can go through that thing yeah you don't know what's in there you don't know don't spray the stuff on your nipples it'll never end well. What do you think is going to happen that's good? You could grow another one on top of it.

That's not good. What's the big deal? It's described as body spray. How did it go so wrong? I think it was so much for such a long time. Here's what it says. The boy... Oh, like I just left it on there?

Yes. Like for so long. The boy who was not named was in his school changing room when someone challenged him to empty two cans of body spray onto his exposed chest immediately this just graphic warning for anybody who's already on the edge with this immediately afterwards someone flicked his nipples causing causing them to pop off. Oh, my God. Because they were frozen, right?

Did he axe him first, if he could do it? Oh, stop. Stop. He said, this is the boy, at first it's just cold. It's not really a big thing. Then it starts to burn, and you're just there waiting for it to finish. This dude's too even-keeled for losing both his nips. It was fine.

It was all fine. Then the boy who was actually freezing my nipples, he flicked both of my nipples. And that's when the nipples fell off. This is also too casual. It's too casual of a statement. Boy wouldn't be the word I'd use to describe the bully. Jerk. The asshole.

Have you seen a war? Although, I will tell you, as you'll learn by the end of this story, this dude does not care at all about his nipples. I wonder if it was also like numb or it was such a heightened. It went from like a heightened hazing to then horror. Yeah. Like so quickly. Well, the problem is.

He maybe didn't feel it during the actual flicking. Oh, no. He didn't feel it. It was so cold all right he didn't feel it was so cold he goes have you seen a wart it was exactly like that it hurt it was like raw exposed skin yeah now have you seen i love that you don't have to qualify that your nipples coming off is hurting you if any of you don't have to explain that to us there's no there's no pressure here if any of you say no, it's fine with me. But they did include a picture of his. Let's see it.

It's not graphing. There's no blood. It doesn't look like a wound. It just looks like just an areola. Okay, I'm going to share the screen with you guys. Mary has one eye open. That's how she sleeps, Metallica style. That's it.

That's it. Okay. It's just an areola. He lost his nipple. That's it. Yep. That's it. I. It's just an areola. He lost his nipple. That's it. Yep. That's it. I mean.

Maybe he set her off. Maybe that's a more. Maybe he's going to become the best marathon runner ever. There you go. He got his superpower. He's like unbreakable. This is his origin story. Yes.

The University of Liverpool student lost his nipples as a 15-year-old schoolboy and went to the next lesson as if nothing had happened. He added, I'm in German class just sitting, and my nipples are now gone. I'm just chilling, and then people were like, yo, your shirt is bleeding. By the way, how fitting is it that he was in German class? Stuff the emotions down. Yeah, do not. Running experiments on people. I don't like it.

He goes, and then you just see two bloodstains from both my nipples. So he looked like a marathon runner. My German teacher actually stopped the lesson and was like, what's going on? But did she say it in German? That's my question. And made him answer in German. That's great. That's great. What's's going on do you need to go to the medical room and i was like quote nah it's fine i'm telling you this kid doesn't care about his nipples nah man which is why we don't have to care it's just dumb yeah he added people usually react with disbelief when he reveals his lack of nipples although most people end up laughing including his first girlfriend we'll let you know when he gets a second yeah although yeah although he urged people to be cautious if they decide to

copy him no don't urge people to not do it yeah there should be no copy the caution is in allowing anyone to come near you with anything now they keep talking about this in the past 10 so i don't know if he's 16 or 21 at this point, but either way. I like that spin though. He's making it like a positive. Hey, if you want to get rid of your nipples, be like me. He may not have his nipples,

but he is taking that narrative. He goes, although he urged people to be cautious if they decide to copy him, he added he has no regrets and would do it again if he could go back in time. Stop. You don't have to go there. You don't have to go there.

What would you do, buddy, if you could go back in time? I'd take my nipples off again. That's what you'd do. No, you have the choice not to. I just want you to know that. No, that's what I'd do. If I could go back in time, I'd hit that rush one more o'clock. I don't think you understand.

You could go back in time and say, I don't want my nibbles to come off. My first girlfriend thought they were pretty funny, so I'm pretty sure I would do it again. God, man, if that's how hard you have to work to get a laugh, Mary Lynn. He was already headed in that direction with that attitude, but I feel like an experience like this, he just was like, I'm going to lean into it. I'm great with it. I'm great with it i'm great

with it i'm fine it's like you're 15 don't worry capacity to like be you don't want to be humiliated so badly that you just act like everything's cool and then he just took it to the next level of you know i would do it again like using it as let's do it right now let's do it right now because that's also part of him not wanting to admit how dumb he was in doing it in the first place but also i'd say at 15 don't worry life will get that confidence right out of you just give it a little bit more time we'll kick that right out of years 20 years yeah yeah you'll be fine uh he told some meme page on instagram which is also the perfect turn for this story we've gone from a dare to flipping your nipples off to talking to a meme page on Instagram. I put myself in this position because I accepted the dare.

So, I mean, he's very matter of fact about all of it. Now that I look back on it, I'll go ahead. It's not bullying. And this is my favorite Meg Ryan movie, by the way, Nippalus in Seattle. I really did. Stop. It's a beautiful comedy. Nippalis in Seattle. I really did. Stop. It's a beautiful comedy. Nipplis in Napa.

There you go. Now that I look back on it. I'm looking for Nipplis Cage's new movie to come out. I love. He's crazy, Nipplis Cage. Nipplis Cage. He's wild. He's wild.

We'll get out of here on this. Now that I look back on it, it's just like, it's stupid. It happened. Now I've got no nipples. Now I I look back on it, it's just like, it's stupid. It happened. Now I've got no nipples. Now I've got no nipples. My favorite Meg Ryan movie. Oh, he came around. Yeah.

Now I've got no nipples. Now I've got no nipples starts like the beginning. It sounds like the beginning of an old Irish song. Now I've got no nipples. And the piano comes and you just roll into it. There we go. All right. There you go.

Story number two, down in the books. Daniel, can you give us a tease of what's happening in story number three? Oh, just a dumb person with their mom's car. All right. I love that. And maybe on the other side of this break, Mary Lynn can tease the dumbest story that lives in her fame-ish book. A dumb story of something she did or something she witnessed or something. For our Patreon fans, you guys get a little taste, taste a little something extra we'll do that all on the

other side of the break it's dumb people town with the great mary lynn ricegum we'll be right back stick around make us down for more dumb people town all right daniel take us home buddy ready yes man fined for using his mom's car. Sent in by Catherine Tuck at Catherine Lorna. Lorna Tuck. I know. Police in Abbotsford, B.C., British Columbia, say a man is facing nearly $800 in fines

after being caught trying to drive his mother's car. The driver made some incredibly poor choices that put other motorists and himself at risk, said Constable Paul Walker. Constable Paul Walker? Paul Walker is a traffic cop? I mean, RIP, unless he came back as another Paul Walker. According to Walker, the suspect drove past an unmarked police vehicle

in early hours of sunday morning going going more than how many miles per hour do you think this guy was going in his mom's car oh what's his mom's car they have it in kilometers but i converted it okay so mary lynn so he's in his mom's car now it's his mom's car so how fast could it go i missed the beginning what's the big deal he was driving he drove his mom's car without her permission right man we haven't said we're gonna guess we're gonna guess how old he is and after this shortly after this we're gonna get to what really makes this story dumb okay okay how fast do you think he was going when the police officer said, pull your mom's car over?

How many miles per hour? Don't you even hope that's what they said to him over the... Don't you think Paul Walker was like, this is Officer Paul Walker, different Paul Walker. Pull your mom's car over. And he's like, and he's got his own CB, and he's like, he's got his own cb and he's like from fast and furious no i already told you different paul walker that man tragically died died i thought paul walker he did die

pull over your mother's car i can't hear you do you want me to tokyo drift it to the side because you are no more of those. Nope. Please stop using that reference. So how fast was he going? Mary Lynn. It would be hilarious to me if he was going like six miles an hour. Too slow.

If your foot's on the pedal, you're going to be getting some speed. Yeah. What is your vibe? What are you feeling? Pick one. 35 miles per hour. Wow. Jay, what do you think?

I think he was going like 90. 90 from Jay's point of view. I think he was going probably like 80 in a 30 zone or something like that. He was going just over 120 miles per hour what kind of a car does his mom have it's a little four-door sedan looks like a volvo here i'll show you the picture you guys want to see what it looks like yeah i'll share it with you guys right now okay i was not grasping this story at all oh god oh wow that car was not made to go 120. That's why it's smoking. He's blowing the engine out. It's smoking, literally. It's smoking like it's in a New York bar in 1998.

Way too much. When the police managed to stop the vehicle, which, oh, I have it here, is a 2003 Mazda Protege. Hell yeah. Its engine was smoking from being driven so hard police said the man uh this would be two police officers paul walker and vin decile uh not diesel police said the man was the only person in the car and he was not impaired when asked why he was traveling at this speed the the driver responded, quote,

he wanted to see how fast his mom's car would go. Wow. That's it. I love this guy. I want his phone number. This is a good story. He's a catch. I just want to see how fast mom's car would go.

I know. He's not even making up a lie. He's not even making up a lie. But Mary Lynn, for whom? would go i know who's not even making up a lie he's not even making up a lie okay but mary lynn for whom who does he then as soon as he gathers that information and go and tell that to everybody down at the local himself for life it's the best love of the game do anything oh my i'm sorry my mom's car oh yeah she'll top out about 110, 120. How do you know? I did it.

I pushed it. I did it. I love this guy. Paul Walker pulled me over. Well, now I know you're lying. So that's not even possible. And then the whole discussion is from Fast and Furious. I thought he died.

That is not even different. We're getting off topic. My mom's car goes 120. Walker also said that the driver was a novice driver, which is the middle step of the ICBC's graduated licensing system. Walker said the driver is not known to police.

The department has not revealed his identity to the public. Police issued tickets for excessive speed. That'd be $483. Driving without consideration. I didn't even know that could be a fine. $196. And failing to display N, which must be some Canadian thing that only John Doerr knows, for $109. The vehicle will be impounded for seven days and the driver will be responsible for towing impounding fees. He's going to pay his mom

back for that. He was also facing points on his driving record. Given that the driver is a new driver, this is the probable outcome that they will then have to further enforcement. I will ask you, we'll get out of here on this. How old do you think this guy is that just wanted to go see how fast his mom's

car could go? Now, he could be a 47-year-old idiot. I'll tell you right now, the answer is not 47, but that doesn't mean it's not close he could be a 47 year old idiot who's like mom i gotta check out your car for you yep or he could be he's not a teenager but he could be young and dumb right mary lynn what do you think i haven't had a grasp on the story from the get you that you seem to be angling towards like he's an odd adult guy that needed to get out of the house i promise you i don't let that don't let me paint you in either direction he's just an idiot who drove his mom's car i don't know how i can guess other than he

has his learner's permit that's why i can't not do that am i I crazy? No, you're not crazy. He's not a teenager. We already said that. I'm out of it with this story. Don't worry about it, friend. We're in dumb people's head. It throws all of us. You want to say 20? We know he's not a teenager, and we know he's not 47.

Yeah, man. He's got to be like 21. Yeah, 21. Jay, what do you think? I's got to be like 21. Yeah, 21. Jay, what do you think? I want him to be 60. I want him to be 60 so badly, so I'm just going to say 60. Okay. I'm going to say 52.

52 years old. Yep. Okay. One of you is only one year off. Oh, God. So all of you get to go up a year or down a year. Mary Lynn, you want to go up a year or you want to go down a year? Well, she has to.

You can go up to 22 or down to 20. What do you want? Go up or down. 22. Okay. 22. Jay? 61.

Okay. 53. Okay. The idiot who thought that a 2003 Mazda protege could just do a good like warm-up run of 120 miles per hour just to like see what she has underneath her right a car that was made to go originally the number of Maryland's at 35 made to go 35 and even at that like cruising altitude exactly he's 20 years old oh Mary Lynn

you guys said it in the first place you're right you win you win anyway I think we all wish he was 60 but it makes sense because that age is like he's like rearing with the fire of his loins and he's wanting to get out in the world

let's get out there what it's all about yep he wants to make it happen hell yes all right there you go guys that is dumb people town and what a wonderful romp with our friend mary lynn who's out on the east coast doing a book tour and all that other stuff get famish order it i'm gonna order it's gonna be my summer read i can't wait i'm so excited famish a collection of unbelievably hilarious essays from our good friend and talented comedian go see her live if she's near you marylin marylin.com right is that it did i get it right thank you thank you for your support marylin marylin.com please go check that out and then see her in the nosebleeds as she did a hilarious sketch go see dan's virtual shows go see us join our patreon see me live too and go see Dan live. And oh shit, we got to get back to work.

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