Dumb People Town - Mary Lynn Rajskub - Unwelcome Witchcraft

Episode Date: February 12, 2019

Mary Lynn Rajskub joins the show this week! In Story 1: A Dollar Tree candy theft that escalates quickly. Story 2 brings us a burglar who makes himself at home. And Story 3 is the tale of a fight at a holiday party after an argument about magical spells.

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast Dan with co-host Our man Dan Man, jerk, don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits the funny hits We are gonna take you down Stick around, make a sound All you're down is Dumb People Town

Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town Population you Population Ricegum Mary Lynn Ricegum. What is happening? I am so happy that you are here. And we are robots.

The thing is about Mary Lynn is not only did we, have we always loved you from hanging at Largo in the 90s into the 2000s up until now. Oh my God. There's been just. You have been out there killing it in standup and you made a commitment to say, I want to go into the clubs, the hard clubs to

get into. I almost feel like your commitment to come to the Comedy Store and the Improv on a weekly basis was made just for us so that we would have someone that we liked hanging out with. Did you do that for us? Did you do that just for us? I feel bad when you guys aren't there. I feel like it's the end of the day.

We were there last night at the Comedy Store and I was like, where's Mary Lynn? We walked around for real looking for you. Do we have to put in for spots with you? I think so. Let's just get the text chain together. Because we just have moments together, but it's always the best. You guys gave me a tag to that thing that I still have to work out again. Have you done it yet?

But also, here's the thing. I did three shows Sunday after a week of local shows, and the weekend before that was New Jersey, Philadelphia, came home, did a show that night, did shows all that week, and I'm like, this is what I do. Sunday, three shows. Monday, I was like I quit I'm out

I am done What's today? Thursday? I'm like I'm a writer now I retired Guess what I did? I sat at the computer

And I wrote like A hundred words And I was like I cannot do this How can I not talk to anybody? How can I not do anything And pay my mortgage I'm done

I'm done trying I'm done Putting it out there So we get great stories Mary Lynn Sent to us by Our wonderful fans Our dumb ears on the ground

Agreed They're not dumb But they're just like Their ears are almost like Wind talkers You know what I mean They can hear it Their ears are on the dumb ground

Their ears are on the dumb ground Their ears are smart They're on the dumb ground They hear ears are on the dumb ground. Their ears are smart. They're on the dumb ground. They hear what's coming, and they send us wonderful and great stories. Daniel gets them. We don't know what's going on, so would you like to jump into a story right away?

I can't wait. Let's do it. All right. This was sent in by Bone Crusher at Bone Crusher 82. Didn't we once have a cop named Bone? Bone Break. Bone Break.

We had a Bone Break. It was a cop named Bone Break, which is is I mean Name yourself for the job You're gonna have Police brutality That's right Bone crusher 82

Fort Worth Yeah You totally ran over my joke I feel protected I'm sorry what was it brother I said I love this woman Fort Worth Might be

It might be We're going to Fort Worth Texas Fort Worth Texas Please all the smart people In Fort Worth Come see our show on Friday And bring dumb people with you Please Our joke Our joke to Fort Worth, Texas Fort Worth, Texas Please all the smart people in Fort Worth Come see our show on Friday night And bring dumb people with you Please

Our joke Our joke about Fort Worth, Texas Is that they are so proud of the fact That Kennedy did not die there In Fort Worth He stayed in the hotel It's like Because they hate Dallas

And Dallas could care less about them They said Welcome to Fort Worth, Texas He was alive when he left That's what we Should be on the billboard. That's how much they are proud. You had one thing to do, Dallas.

You couldn't do it. He stayed at our hotel, and he woke up alive. Fort Worth, Texas. Fort Worth police say a man rammed a van into a Dollar Tree to rescue his girlfriend who had been caught shoplifting. Wow. That's love. I want that man. Thank you.

I want my man. I want my man. I want my man to drive. Come get me. Get through a Dollar Tree. Sounds like a scene plot to a Coen Brothers movie, doesn't it? Oh, my. California style. Right?

There's a Dollar Tree. My girl's in there shoplifting. She's getting busted. I have one move. So did she send a text, like, come and get me? And he knew, like, we got a code? No. I just love that Randy said he had, which is true, he probably said

that to himself. I got one move right now and he's revving the engine of the van. And he's like texting his one smart friend. He's like, you have multiple things you can do here. No, I'm driving in. Go in and tell her she didn't take her medication today and get her out of there. Don't go and pretend to be a cop

and get her out. No. I got it from here. We're from the central office. We'll take her. Get as much merchandise as you can in the truck. Workers at the Dollar Tree. Well, here's the good news. All they have to do is count up the items she stole and then how much is that? That many dollars.

You got 28 things. You owe us $28. Not necessarily true. Also, if you're a Dollar Tree, I got to be like, come on. We're at the Dollar Tree. What more do we... You're already stealing it. You're saying letter. Right. Just letter steal. Yeah. I remember.

It would have saved them a window, wouldn't it have? Right. If they had just been reasonable. You know what you get? Some not reasonable stuff. That's what the guy said as he drove in. This is on you! You pushed it. You pushed it.

Workers at the Dollar Tree on Lancaster Avenue say around 9 a.m. Thursday. Oh, man. 9 a.m. Ooh. That's good shoplifting hours. That is pure Mary Lynn Rice Cubs sleeping chunk. Yeah, that's a sleeping chunk. That's a sleeping chunk right there.

9 a.m. You know I just got back from carpool. Yes. Drop off a sleeping chunk. 9 a.m. You know I just got back from carpool. Drop off. Drop off. Your coffee. This is when you... Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't wind down until midday. You're like, I have to do an affirmational Instagram post and then I gotta go to sleep. I'm gonna assume

these people had not slept. 9 a.m. That's for the night before. Good shoplifting hour, not a good hour to drive into the window. Dan, you worked at Marshall Fields. I did. I was trying to catch loss prevention, which is basically people who shoplift. Like security guy?

Yep. Secret shopper? Yep. That's exactly what it was. Secret shoppers, that's what we are. I want that. It's so hard I keep it going

To make stuff real My dream is that someone sings a whole song So Thursday 9am Thursday They saw a man and a woman trying to steal things Like candy and other merchandise Did you ever see people steal candy At Marshall Fields

I stole candy when I was a kid Like stealing candy from a dollar? I stole candy when I was a kid. Like stealing candy from a Dollar Tree. I've said that a lot. Do you want to hear the grossest, saddest stealing? I worked at the movie theater at the Beverly Center, and I wasn't good enough to be concession stand material, but I was a ticket taker.

For the interview, I just sat there, and they didn't deem me good enough to serve popcorn, so I was a ticket taker. But you would clean up the theater afterwards Pick up a half-eaten Box of candy Nothing wrong with that I mean It hasn't been poured out yet

Thank you I felt like this was A safe space I could say this You guys would understand What was your choice Of half-eaten candy? Like what's your go-to?

Dots Would you take some dots? Come on Snowcaps You know my number one? M&M's All the way Raisinets M&M's Raisinets M&M's

PC's PC's PC's PC's That's up there Milk duds Milk duds are too much work So Mary Lynn You have gone on To be in movies

That I'm assuming Played at the Beverly Center That's right That's right girl Have you gone back To the Beverly Center Top me up a notch I'm gonna leave here

Feeling like a thousand bucks You are Here are your daily affirmations So did you Go back to the Beverly Center and watch? Who's not good enough for the concession stand now? Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm going to go watch a movie that I'm in. I'm going to watch myself.

Excuse me. Oh, my God. I just thought of another. This was like a recovered memory. Do it. This is really sad. Okay, please. I love it.

And I didn't do it at the movie theater. I actually did at the Olive Garden. Both places required a white button-down shirt at the Olive Garden. I was... Oh, my God. I can't believe I'm going. Both places required a white button-down shirt at the Olive Garden. I was... Oh, my God. I can't believe I'm going to admit this. It's so dumb. Please admit it.

I was an art student. Gesso that you would put on the... My shirt was permanently dirty on the sleeves, and I just painted white gesso on it. That's not bad. That's creative. Degenerate I am.

Oh, my God. And I would plan out when I was at the Olive Garden Am I gonna go at the beginning Of the shift Or the end of the shift Into the walk-in freezer And eat that tiramisu

Do I need it to get me Through the shift Or do I need it as a reward For getting through the shift By the way Works in both instances It totally works in both instances Do you get breadsticks

When you work at the Olive Garden Fuck yeah you do Endless baby Endless We saw our buddy Scott Rogowski, who we love so much. You don't get tiramisu. You're not supposed to eat that.

Go ahead. We were in Madison, Wisconsin. That'd be clear. I was stealing. At Mickey's Dairy Bar. We were at Madison, Wisconsin, Mickey's Dairy Bar, which is a great breakfast place.

Unbelievable. Agreed. We are there with our friend, Rachel Lander, who we've known since we were kids. Five years old. She went to grade school with us. She lives in Madison.

So we're there with her and Scott Rogowski and we're just... At a table that's sort of a shared table with other people? It's a long shared table. And this group of young people get up to leave, and there is a stack of pancakes, some of them half-eaten, on the table. They left, and we watched Scott take the pancakes and eat the full ones. His justification was, I'm assuming, he saw the people.

Yeah, he's like, I know. That's a clean mouth that put there. I mean, but he ate pancakes. Isn't that crazy? Look, if you were out at a bar and you met someone you didn't know, like you'd put your mouth on something else. So, pancakes aren't a big deal. Have you ever played friendly beers at Bush Stadium?

No. Or at Dodger Stadium, it wouldn't happen. What is it? Friendly beers is when you get a seat at Wrigley Field that's on the aisle. Like, the walkway is right in front of you. So, you're between the sections. The sections, yeah. Like the walkway is right in front of you So you're between the sections When you finish your beer You hold your cup out as people walk by

And say friendly beer And then they'll pour beer into your cup As they go by Is that a thing? Yeah, we used to play it in college We would go and then people would be like Friendly beer, friendly beer And people would just pour a beer in

I've never heard that in my entire life. And that is fascinating. It was just, I mean, it's summer. You're at Wrigley Field. I get it. You're drunk already. You're basically saying top me off. Yes.

But you're not supposed to have anything in there. You're empty. It kind of makes sense. Yeah. But you got to check for cold sores like quick, quickly. Really look for everything on the face. What's that pump? You got to burn it with a cigarette burner to like quick, quickly. Really look for everything on the face. You gotta burn it with a cigarette burner

to like nab that. But before you brought up that in between the movie theater and the friendly beers, the image that came to my mind was definitely a party. Either you've been this person or someone else has been the person when you're just like you start drinking half empty

drinks. So friendly beer is like much better than that. Friendly beer is way cleaner than that. It's much more social. It's much more fun loving. You see who's hit. People are, oh, hey, I'll do it.

We're in it together. You're giving someone else the opportunity to be charitable. Yes. And generous. So can you walk into a Dollar Tree and say friendly candy? No. Friendly candy. Grab some candy.

You can't do that? So wait, he was in there with her. Also, if they were up all night and their plan was to steal fucking candy. Yeah. It's a good plan. Well, yeah. I mean, there is an inherent sadness to this. I don't know if this is a theme that happens on this podcast all the time.

We try to, we stay away from sadness. We steer away from sadness. No, I mean in the sense that. Not even in the stories. The dumb, you, I wish for this crime to to be they drove into somewhere like a bank or, you know, you want to drive into the jewelry store. It's a dollar tree. Steal candy and other merchandise. The story begs you want them to get...

You want the car to back out and leave and they got it and they wrecked the place. The store employees tried to stop the suspected shoplifters. They were able to detain one woman but not the other two suspects. Wow, this is a three person job? Yes, for candy. I like how you were like, we try to not make it sad.

I just wanted the crime to be more serious. No, I agree. We once had a deal where these people, remember with the guy, he shot his own arm for $300. Yeah. That was the Dan Harmon episode, bro. I was like, what's the least amount of money you would shoot your own arm?

I'm like, $20,000. What's the least amount of money that you would take to shoot your own arm? $400,000. Yeah, in comparison, this crime is a joyride from beginning to end. So it's fine. This is Ocean's 3. Yes, it is. That's what this is.

If you pick off a Dollar Tree, it's the next spot you go to the 99 cent store. Just keep going down. Keep going down. Party City, working at the Party City. The employees told Fox 4 the man tried to convince them to let his girlfriend go. He kept yelling something like

let her go. If you let her go, I'll come in. If you don't let her go, I'll come in and get her. So is he yelling this through the door? Let her go.

If you imagine walking up to the Dollar Tree and that's what's happening, a man yelling through the door and you're like, honey, just go back to the car. We don't need a broom that bad. We can use a sheet of paper as a dustpan.

Let's go to Target. Let's splurge. We're going to find a pizza cutter somewhere else today. Let's go. A pizza cutter. That's when Fort Worth police said the man got into his van and rammed the front of the store to rescue his girlfriend. Take that, building.

How should he do that for the girlfriend? That, to me, feels like something you'd do for your girl. Or if you get her out, then you're like, I got you out of that. I drove the car into the store and got you out of that. I don't want to hear it anymore, Janelle. Let me go bowling on Tuesday. You know, like, let me have that. We did quote, we didn't think he was coming in with the car, a worker said.

We just thought he was coming back in there to get her, but he fooled us. He came in there with a van. That's a great quote. Even the Dollar Tree people are like, I mean, that's crazy. It's novel to them. They're like, I've seen a woman like rinsing, like putting conditioner in her hair while walking around in here. And this is still the craziest. So when the van came in,

do you think that worker was like, you got us. Right. Fooled us. He loves her. Oh my. He loves her.

I mean, there is a moment where you're like, that is love. That is love. That is true love. How many people in your life would drive a van

through a Dollar Tree for you? That's the type of love you want. Honey, at your wedding, there's literally no one. I would drive a van through a Dollar Tree for you. That's the type of love you want. Honey, at your wedding. There's literally no one. I would drive a van through a Dollar Tree that you were shoplifting in. I can think of a couple people I'd drive a van through a Dollar Tree for, but that's even a shorter list. Yeah, tiny. Police said the man and his girlfriend were able to back out of the store in the van and drive away.

They are still at large. That's the best part of this story. So do you think they just let her go? But Mary Lynn got her fairytale ending right there. I know. Do you understand? She asked for it and they got it. The second woman.

Wow. This is a Laffy Taffy Bonnie and Clyde. The second woman was arrested at the scene. He was not in love with her. She's not a friend. Did not make room for in love with her. She's not a friend. Did not make room for her in the van. She's not his girlfriend. By the way, if I'm her, I'm flipping state's evidence on both these nuts.

Oh, 100%. Two's company, three's a crowd. She was taken to the hospital because officers believe she might be under the influence of drugs or alcohol. Really? I don't think so. The store employee said it sounded like an explosion when the van came crashing through the doors. Thankfully, no one was hurt. Police are still searching for the man and the woman who got away, which means second woman has not said a word.

So you're telling me there is zero, the other thing we now know, zero security footage at a Dollar Tree. Like you can't see a van coming in and check the license plate number. Not at all. Police are still searching for the man and woman who got away. Like you can't see a van coming in and check the license plate number. Not at all. Oh my God. Police are still searching for the man and woman who got away. Finally, because the van was used to ram the building, the case escalated from shoplifting to robbery. I do not know how that works. Maybe it should. Also, did they not?

They didn't steal anything. They didn't steal anything. Right? They got caught stealing. Oh, you're saying why is it even burglary? Or, Dan, did you... You're driving into a building. It should be... Destruction of property. But they're using the car

as a quote-unquote weapon of potential damage to other people. So the car becomes then the weapon in the robbery. I bet she grabbed a handful of stuff on her way out. I would. Yeah, because there weren't rules anymore. Would you pick up like five or six bit of honeys and just get out of there?

Yes, obviously I would. Or some socks. You're about the household items. I appreciate that. I watch a lot of Supermarket Sweep. I know where the money items are. Send me a carrot scraper and then I'm I would call them. I know they didn't take any bit of honey, but I'm going to call

these guys the bit of honey bandits. Fair enough. Yes. That's story one. There you go. That's how we do it. Marilyn Rice Cup.

That was exciting. Story one, down in the books. When we come back more, we're going to hear from the great Marilyn and find out where she's going to be

performing live. She's not quitting the business. Did she quit? No, she didn't quit. She didn't quit. We'll be back with more Dumb People Town right after this.

Stick around. Make it sound for more Dumb People Town. Hey, gang. Welcome back to Dumb People Town. We are here. Should we read some names? Yeah, let's read some names. Who support the show? People I love. These are people who are supporting this show on a monthly basis, and we are so

grateful. We want to recognize each and every one of you. Sarah Dream Weaver. Oh, Sarah Weaver. Yes. You guys hit that note. Get me through the night. I love this next name. Oh, you ready for this?

Slade Suchecki. Slade Suchecki. That's just a great name. Slade. Hall of Fame name. Hall of Fame name. How about Erica Deary? Oh, Deary. Hall of Fame name. Hall of Fame name. How about Erica Deary? Oh, Deary.

Oh, Deary. Oh, Deary. What's up, Erica? Charlotte Matthews, the Charles Matthews of this outfit. I love it. Michigan star. Robert Cullen. Cullen is a great bar in Chicago.

He's a culinary genius. Yeah. David Zucker. This is my brother-in-law. Is it really? I'm not kidding. Really? My brother-in-law.

Jay's brother-in-law. He's? I'm not kidding Really? My brother-in-law Jay's brother-in-law He's the sweetest Best Most awesome dude He and his wife Jordan Are just amazing people I've met them I think They're the best

They've come to the live shows They don't have to As a family member They don't have to listen to my work They don't have to support my work But they are I know they care But they're actual true townies

And they love it And they listen to it, and they share it. Thank you, brother David. We love you. Clayton Sullivan. Clayton Sullivan. Don't know which. You could have been Sullivan Clayton.

Clayton Sullivan is Sullivan Clayton, and Sullivan Clayton is Clayton Sullivan. Both of them are like activists in the civil rights movement. All right, Gregory Woodland. He is one of the Woodland creatures. Well, the Woodland is like a super fancy area outside of Houston. The Woodlands. I would call my... It also sounds like a mall, doesn't it?

If I was Gregory Woodland and I had kids, they would be the Woodland creatures. This next name is so good. Mike Yesenoski. Yesenoski. Or Yesenoski. Yesenoski. Are you in or are you out? Yesenoski.

I don't know what that means. I don't know-ski. I don't know what that means. I don't know-ski. I don't know-ski. Burton Hovde. Hovde. Hovde? Hovde.

Hovde. Hovde. Hovde. Todd Feliciano, his rendition of the national anthem. Unbelievable. Light my fire. Jay. Tyler Juhola.

Juhola. Juhola. Juhola. Tyler Juhola. Juhola. No, it's Juhola. Juhola. Tyler Juhola. Unbelievable. Corey Peters. Corey. Thanks, Corey.

Michael Sanders. The Colonel. And all the comedians who are playing Michael Sanders in the ads are really funny. Unbelievable. All the people they get to play Michael Sanders. They get a lot of good people to do it. Jessica Woodhouse. Hi, Jessica. The Gregory Woodland of this list.

Jessica Woodhouse. House. She'shouse. House. She's my tomato. Hey, everybody who donated to this list, so appreciate you. Charlotte Matthews, Erica Deer, you guys. Just want to shout you guys out and say thank you to everybody. So much for supporting us and supporting what we do. Again, this is on the drip right now.

We're going to move it over to Patreon and try and figure out the easiest way to do that for you guys so it's nice and easy. And we'll keep getting you extra content. Keep getting you great stuff and chances to meet us and participate in this show. So check it out. Let's get back to the show. Thank you to all those people. Oh, come on. We really appreciate it. Mary Lynn,

do you have any road dates coming up? Because you did mention a little road dog. And that you retired. And they retired. Where are you going to be? I just picked up some on Valentine's Day. I'm going to be in Connecticut. Nice. Oh, neat.

It's on my website. Which is? Mary Lynn, Mary Lynn. Mary Lynn, Mary Lynn. Yes. Dot com. It's a new website, guys. I love it.

And I put dates up there and a new podcast just in time for me to quit. Oh, great. What's the new podcast? It's called Mary Lynn, Mary Lynn. I love it. I talk to myself. No way. Yeah.

I love that. You interview yourself? I wish. Kind of. No, you just talk. No, I talk about, I write down 30 things that I could talk about for a minute. I usually don't even make it halfway through the list. And then I talk about whatever's going on in my life

Do you get stand-up out of that? There's stuff in there for sure Like nuggets that can be mined The story of I mean, what is the tag we gave you? I'm trying to think back to that I haven't done that since I should look that up and do it tonight

Because I'm at the lab tonight It's the 15 pounds Yeah, I know It's the 15 pounds Someone said It's all because I mentioned my your back. Yeah, I know. But it's the 15 pounds. Someone said. It's all because I mentioned my back earlier because I

said my back was hurting and my husband made. Trying to be nice. He was trying to be nice, but he suggested the reason why your back was hurting is

because you're carrying an extra 15 pounds, he said. Yes. And you're like, really? You've never had body issues,

anything like that. You're like. I said, why are you saying this to me? And he goes, you know, no, he didn't say no offense, but something to that., anything like that. You're like. I said, why are you saying this to me? And he goes, you know, no. He didn't say no offense, but something to that. It was on that. It was on par with that.

Yes. And he's like, I'm just trying to help. And I was like, okay, you're not helping. Have you ever heard me talk about my weight? Yeah. So now you introduced that into the equation. Thank you. Yeah, I did text you that because I went to the doctor and I was, I was, I weighed, I haven't weighed myself.

I go, do I weigh myself? Is that something I talk about? Is there a scale in our house? Now, thank you for saying that. So now I'm going to have to think about that. And then your tag was, I go back to the doctor and the doctor's like, yeah, you got to lose 15 pounds. For your health. Yeah.

I love it. So Maryland, Maryland, that's the name of love it So Maryland, Maryland That's the name of the website Maryland, Maryland That's the podcast And go to Sear in Connecticut On the 14th Where is it?

Where's the venue? Do you know? Some event Alright, look it up Tony V's Love it To Maryland, Maryland Yeah

I'm going to Maryland, Maryland Yeah, you better get there To find out Want to do a second story? Let's do a second story Shall we? This was sent in by Sharon Toman At Sharon Toman,

at Sharon Toman, T-O-M-A-N. Straight Toman. Thanks, Sharon. A homeowner in Maine received a surprise visitor at his Waterboro home on Sunday afternoon. Let me just say, in my brain, it's like a beaver in a suit. Just knocking on the door.

This would also be December 23rd when this... Strange visitor December 23rd, you're getting the house ready for Christmas. This is an all wood house. This journalist is hilarious because they wrote received a surprise visitor at their home on Sunday afternoon, but it definitely wasn't Santa. Well, why would it be? Santa doesn't come two days early.

And Santa is also made up. Unless you travel and you lie to your kids. Police in York County said the man opened the door of his house Only to find An intruder watching television And wearing some of his clothes Okay

Watching television I get But like putting on the clothes is I get that even more Hey if you're gonna do it Do it Like driving through the window. If you're going to go watch some TV, get into it. If you love it, prove it.

I never understood the stealing of shoes. Like that guy, they stole his sneakers right off his, if they don't fit you, then what's your point of having those sneakers? Unless you're going to resell them. Maybe he scouted this out. And he's like, this guy's about my build. I'm going in. I'm going in and watching TV

When he goes to work In addition The trespasser also helped himself To the homeowner's food And took a shower He moved in Yeah Yeah

He moved in This guy does more Before 9am What do you think he did first Dan When he Or Mary Lynn What do you think he did first When he got

Showered first Then ate And watched TV And put on the man's clothes Yeah Showered man's clothes. Yeah. Showered, man's clothes, eat, watch TV.

I don't know. I feel like he's checking food. I like this crime because I think it's... Tasteful. Victimless. Yeah. Well... You're trying to get something

for yourself. It gets even better. Okay. Because the alleged burglar, Derek Tarbox... Ooh. I mean, if you threw that out in your improv group, they'd be like, little too on the nose.

Don't make the names funny. Just play it straight. The name doesn't have to be funny. You don't have to do it in an accent. My name's Derek Tarbox. Okay, well, how do I heighten that? Hey, it's Mrs. Tarbox. A couple of questions. Is Derek there? Yeah, I'm here. Derek Tarbox. Okay, well, how do I heighten that? Hey, it's Mrs. Tarbox. A couple of questions. Is Derek there?

Yeah, I'm here. Derek Tarbox here. You don't have to always say your full name. It's your mom you're talking to. And go ahead, go back. Mom, you know me. I'm Derek Tarbox. Nope, you wouldn't say that to your mom.

Yep. Derek Tarbox, the alleged burglar. Why is he alleged? He's in the house He's burgling I don't know that too This is just like Somebody who's afraid

If you're just using Someone's stuff Oh son of a You're not necessarily Burgling You're You're You're burglaro

You're borrow Borrowing Sure Derek Tarbox Somehow You're Tarbox Breaking and entering By the way

Borrowing your shit Should be called Tarboxing Yeah This is where it gets fun Tarboxing right now Derek Tarbox Somehow convinced the homeowner That Tarbox

Had mistaken the home For his friend's house That is He So he's This guy comes in What the hell are you doing here And he's like

Derek Tarbox I am Sorry I'm I thought I was in my friend's house I thought I was in my friend's house Then How am Sorry I'm thinking I thought I was in my friend's house I thought I was in my friend's house Then How long have you thought that? I thought I was in my friend's house

You know You know how when you go to your friend's house And you start putting their clothes on Take a shower And start eating their food Mary Lynn If that's true You're a shit friend

Okay Mary Lynn Who's When was the last time You were at a friend's house? Could have been this past weekend Could have been Last time you were at a friend's house Name me one friend

you could go over to their house and shower and then start wearing their clothes. Without them being there. Start wearing their clothes. You gotta dig deep. I mean, I've borrowed a bathing suit. Of course. I've showered. A jacket. You probably borrowed a jacket if you

were at someone's house. Oh, it's colder than I thought at this barbecue. Do you have a sweater I could borrow? But you ask. You don't just go at someone's house. Oh, it's colder than I thought at this barbecue. Do you have a sweater I could borrow? But you ask. You don't just go into someone's closet and start putting it on. Just take it. You don't Tarbox it. Well, it gets better.

You don't Tarbox it. Tarbox. You don't Tarbox it. You don't Tarbox it, guys. Convinced the victim that he thought he was in his friend's house. Wait, it worked? He convinced him. Oh, hold on.

Then Derek Tarbox reportedly asked the homeowner to drive him to another home in Hollis. Yes, yes, yes. This is Uber in Maine. You break into someone's house. I feel like Tarbox might be a hypnotist. You know what I mean? Or like David Koresh. He's like Maine Obi-Wan Kenobi.

I thought it was at a friend's house. Those are characters that you see in movies if they're a hustler, and you're like, no one's really like that. But I love when people are just forceful, tarboxing their way through life. He's Tarboxian. The resident thought the scenario was unusual but plausible. No, it's not.

There's nothing plausible about a stranger in your house wearing your clothes, watching TV, showering, and eating food. So what I love about this

is originally we thought the criminal was the dummy in this story. Now we know it's the guy. It is the person who is buying hook, line, and sinker. So the homeowner

agreed to drive the man to a house in Hollis. Yes! This guy got home with some sort of plan of what his night or life was going to be, and now he's telling another person to get into his car. This is like a fun adventure.

Where do you need to go? Or this is a guy who has not had a friend in a long time. Or it's somebody that's so evolved that they know, like, you're me, I'm you. Right. One day you're going to need to walk in my house nude and eat a grapefruit. I'm not even going to blink an eye.

Nope. I'm not threatened by that. I don't live my life out of fear and like, oh, this is mine. Like, what is mine? What is mine? What is anyone's? A tar box in the hand is worth one in the bush. York County Sheriff Bill King.

That was good. Told the Portland Press Herald. Portland, Maine. Portland, Maine. Portland Press Herald is something that a homeless person hands you and asks for a tiny little. That's right. That's not a real paper. Here's the Portland Press Herald.

Can you help me out on the other end? I don't have any change. Quote, he said he wanted to get the man out of his house, so he agreed to drive him, quote unquote, home. Okay. Because there was no home. No. When the homeowner got back to his own home, so he drove him all the way to Hollis and

then drove back. If he drives and drops him at another house, and then he comes home and then he shows up and the guy's sitting on his couch. That would be amazing. It's like the ring. It's like the ring. It's like the ring. He's put it on to somebody else now. But is he now an accomplice if that guy steals anything?

Carbonaro effect. Yes. Only less magic. When the homeowner got back home, he noticed that his back door had been forced open and there were various items missing, which he's now helped transport. Yeah.

Or that's the thing. Let me get the homeowner to drive me far away, and then his accomplices come in and break in and steal. That's according to the Banger Daily News. Another. Quote. Kid, like a 14-year-old. Car box banger. Car box banger.

Yes. Okay, where was I? When the kid. Oh, yeah Oh yeah yeah yeah When he returned home he found his back door had been forced open Stuff gone Right okay when he returned home and inspected his house further To found

His back door had been forced open To find it should have been Food missing from his refrigerator And other signs of the house being ransacked How did you not notice this when you came in And there was a guy in your living room? Yeah. Your house has been ransacked?

He wasn't paying attention. He didn't care. I think it happened. I think my theory is right. It happened when he was driving away. It happened when he drove him away. What do you mean? So he drives...

Tarbox is working with accomplices. No, you're wrong. Okay. Deputy soon learned from Maine State Police that Tarbox had allegedly stolen a vehicle in Portland, then ran out of gas in Hollis. He later stole another vehicle until, this is perfect for Tarbox, he crashed it in the woods. Derek, why did he decide to start driving through the woods? It's a shortcut.

Whoever said, I'm going to drive through these woods here and I'll get to where I need to go. You're not going to not crash. He then walked into the caller. That's the homeowner. He walked into the caller's home, broke in through the rear door, had a bite to eat, showered, and watched a little television before being confronted by the rightful tenant of the property. Do we get to guess what he was watching? being confronted by the rightful tenant of the property. Do we get to guess what he was watching?

He was... A tip from one of Derek Tarbox's relatives led investigators to him. That's how you know how his relationship with his family is. Get him! Get him! Finally! He's doing it again! I'll tell you where DT is. DT's ass

is in Hollis. Oh, I can't wait for you to get him. He's in the woods. He was reportedly still wearing clothes that belonged to the homeowner. That's what I think we've forgotten. Didn't the guy realize he's wearing your clothes? No. Where am I taking you, Hollis? I have a sweater like that.

Come on. Get in the car. Let's go. You got great taste. You got great taste. I have a barn jacket like that. You got great taste. He was scheduled to be arranged

You went to the University of San Luis Obispo Me too So did I We have so much in common You were on the San Luis Obispo rowing team So was I Which car is that? Because I have that same car

Is that your car or mine? My keys work in your car? Did you see somebody come in here while you were in here? What's happening? You were at my wedding Because that t-shirt was only given out at my wedding. I think our wives are twins. Tarbox was scheduled to be arranged. I'm the only one with an airbrush picture of my nephew on my t-shirt.

You? That's your nephew, too? That's all right. That's great. He was arraigned Wednesday for multiple charges, including burglary, two counts of unauthorized use of property, leaving the scene of a property damage accident, and theft by unauthorized taking. Which means I guess you could have theft by authorized taking? Isn't theft is unauthorized taking? I'm going to ask you guys.

We'll get out of here on this. How old is Derek Tarbox? Too much fun leaves marks in life. Living hard, you'll pay the price. Who is gonna get it right? Guess the age. Guess the age. Do we have a photo of him?

No, we do not. Okay, so... You are our guest, Mary Lynn. You can go first, Tig, which is second, or third. Tig decided to answer between the two of us when she was on the show, so you can go first, Tig, which is second, or third? Tig decided to answer between the two of us when she was on the show, so you can go first, Tig, or third. Where do you want to answer on how old Tarbox is?

Well, I don't want to go first. Well, then, do you want to go Tig or third? Yeah, I'm going to Tig it. All right, Tig it up. I think I'm going to say Tarbox is young, because he has the sort of stupid, brazen naivete going to say Tarbox is young because he has the sort of like stupid

brazen naivete of a dumb young person. So I'm going to say Annie has the ability to break through. We know that he showers, food, clothes, TV, stealing cars, and driving in the woods. Right. I'm going to say 24. 24. Yeah, go ahead.

I was feeling young. But then I got scared To answer Because I wanted to hear You reason it out And what did you think? Oh I definitely Was thinking drugs

So that He could He could age anywhere Really? Not in the report Not in the report No Alright then

What's wrong with This person? You don't know They like to steal cars And drive in the woods Yeah that's it It's either young or you've completely given up.

Right. So go old if you want. Yeah. I mean, it's worth taking it just for fun. Just grab that. All right. Just for funsies,

I'm going to say 51. 51? Okay. I think he's 32. Okay. 32 because the shower is the thing that to me says he's not a young person.

Ooh. Because a young person would be like, my kids don't like to shower. I'm like, you got to, please. Why am I on you on this? It's like an older person gets into the thing. So I think 32. Okay. Good chances in now, Townies.

Shout out your earbuds. Derek Tarbox. Great name. Man who stole a car. it ran out of gas, stole another car, drove it into the woods, found a house, ate some food, took a shower, watched TV, then conned some person into thinking he was at his friend's house. Then got a ride from his own victim.

You don't see that very often. Stockholm Syndrome. Is 35 years old. Oh, so I was right. You were on the way to being right. There you go. Tarbox is a good 35. I mean, it's solid.

Shower logic. Shower logic. My favorite Steely Dan album. Shower logic. I love it so much. All right. Story two down in the books. Dan, what are we going to just give us a little teaser we're going to hear in the third story

in the last segment? Unwelcome witchcraft. Is any witchcraft welcome? Harry Potter. Okay. Fair enough. Marilyn Rice Cub is with us, and we have one more segment on Dumb People Town. Don't go anywhere.

Hey guys, welcome back to DPT. We have Marilyn Ricegub. She's a great follow on Instagram. I love her Instagram feed. I always like every single picture you put up. I love it. I like... Thanks, buddy.

Yeah, we do. Do you ever see us? I follow... Don't you see us? Do we pop up in your little feed? We heart a lot of your pictures. We're big hearters of your stuff. I like the stuff when you're shocked at how unironic and inspirational you just were.

And I love all the funny stuff. I'm like, oh, she's on vacation. That's good. Good. She deserves a vacation. She allows us to keep tabs on our Mary Lynn. Our Mary Lynn, Mary Lynn. So check out Mary Lynn, Mary Lynn for the website to see where she's going to be playing near you.

And follow her on Twitter. And the new podcast, Mary Lynn, Mary Lynn. All right, let's jump into one more story. Before we do, I want to let people know that on two things. March 3rd, Rory Scovel and I are doing a live Dumb People podcast, Maryland, Maryland. Let's jump into one more story. Before we do, I want to let people know on two things. March 3rd, Rory Scovel and I are doing a live Dumb People Town in Houston, Texas. I'm sorry. Wow. Live Pen Pals in

Houston, Texas. It's our very first live episode. We're doing that, ending the weekend of being junior grand marshals at the big Mardi Gras parade in Galveston, Texas. Galveston, Texas, the place where... Yes, where Robert Durst got rid of his friend's cranes. Chopped up a guy and threw him into the water. I didn't chop up a guy.

Well, I didn't know. He wanted to be cast in sea. He did not. He did not want to be cast. And I didn't have matches, so I tried to make ashes with an axe. Stop blinking. Stop blinking. So, yeah, we are going to be in Galveston.

We have somehow wormed our way into a debutante ball and a parade. Stop. We're wearing tuxes the whole weekend. I can't believe it. And then we're going to do a live pen pals on March 3rd. And then the next day. Next night. If you can't make it to that, yes, on the 4th of March,

we'll be doing a live Dumb People Town Hall at Largo with Karen Kilgareff and probably another person joining us to goof around too. We'll let you know who that is as soon as we have it. Tickets are live. Tickets are live! All right, you ready? Yes, let's do it. Send in by Ryan at Ryan Rogers.

December 25th. Christmas. Is that an important day? No. It's the day before Boxing Day. Okay. Now, this is just from a police blotter, so there's not a lot of info, but it actually makes it more fun to me because- Because we can guess.

Your mind fills everything in. Let's fill in the police blotter. This is literally the headline from thenewstribune.com. Police beat. Unwelcome witchcraft. Unwelcome witchcraft. Sent in by Ryan Rogers. At Ryan Rogers. December 25th.

Witchcraft is especially effective when you believe in it. The dispatch call reported a fight between two women at a holiday party. Two sheriff's deputies. I wanted it to be a holiday inn so badly. Or a holidome. Holidome. I love holidomes. You can play ping pong.

Oh, yes. So fancy. They always had indoor pools. Every window. Green carpet around the pool. Cutting little mud. Yes. Yes.

It's kind of like the miniature golf. Is there still holidomes? No. There has to be. There has to be. Indoor, outdoor pool. I'm Googling it, Dan, to see if there's any. Tennessee.

If any of our fans have stayed at a holidome or are about to stay at a holodome, take a picture of yourself, send it to us. We'll put it on the website. I think we were on our way to Gatlinburg, Tennessee from Michigan, my family. And you stayed at a holodome. Yeah, so somewhere between Michigan and Tennessee. We used to stay at them all the time. We went through some weird phase when we were living with my grandma

where I don't know, it must have been like an okay year where like two or three times we just went into the Chicago suburbs and stayed in an embassy suites. And I was like, we are living life. They would have free popcorn. We'd play elevator tag and get yelled at. It was the best.

Elevator tag. Yeah. All right. Okay. Two women at a fight. Yep, it was called Christmas. A fight between two women At a holiday party

Two sheriff's deputies Drove to a home In the 6700 block Of 207th street Court east In Spanaway Spanaway

Spanaway They spoke to a woman In the living room That's a great sentence Okay They spoke to a woman In the living room Where'd you get that Can you be more specific Yeah So provocative the living room. That's a great sentence. They spoke to a woman in the living room.

Can you be more specific? So provocative. She had a fresh cut on her face just under her eye. She said she had been arguing about magic spells with another woman at the party who threw her cup at her. Guys, we're going to the wrong

party. I feel like these were picked just for me. They were. They were. Two women on Christmas day arguing about magical spells. One of them throws a cup at another one

in the living room. Wait, why wouldn't their boyfriends... Or girlfriends. One of their cats was back in the living room. I got cat back up here if you want. wouldn't their boyfriends to, oh, I don't know. Or girlfriends. Because they're dating ghosts. One of their cats was back in the day. They're dating ghosts. I got cat backup here if you want.

We're just a regular run of the mill. This is two cat ladies going at it. Going at each other. Christmas Day magic spell argument. That's it, man. Every Christmas

we have to have this argument. Every Christmas we have to have the argument whether magic spells work or not. Boiling, boiling, toiling, trouble. In boiling, boiling trouble I can do telekinesis Can you? I'm about to move this cup across this room What am I thinking right now?

Into your face What am I thinking right now? I'm thinking you're about to get a cup under your eye, bitch The injured woman Said she and the other woman Weren't related And had never lived together Why is that coming up?

We are not related We have never lived together On some level Man, we haven't asked you any questions We just asked you how you got Cut on your eye But the truth of the matter is So you lived together

And you tried to marry her She wouldn't marry you Do not write that down Do not write that down That's what I got That's what I got from what you said Put that away I'm going to put a spell on these cops

It won't work You shut up Barb It won't work I am a vampire No you're not The only thing you do is suck the life out of this room. She put a hex on this party. We're not related and had never lived together.

Other party guests said everyone had been drinking throughout the night. So there's other people who are just drunk. Now paint that in your mind. People around the room being like... They're trying to mitigate the craziness of these two people. We all were really out of control. You ready for another fun sentence? The deputies,

imagine these cops too, that are like, you know what? We have to work on Christmas Day, but this is worth it. Here's the next sentence. Okay, I'm going to read it together. The injured woman said she and the other woman weren't related and had never lived together. Other party guests said everyone had been drinking throughout the night. Then the deputies entered an upstairs bedroom and spoke to a second woman who was crying.

Oh, no. She said the first woman had been casting spells on her, so she threw the cup at her. All right. And I hope she ended it with, what do you want me to do? My hands were tied in this scenario. She's casting spells. I mean, all I had was a cup. Yeah.

Listen, what do I got to do? I throw a cup at her or drive a van through a Dollar Tree? You tell me. You tell me. There's no way she's going to admit it if she was doing it, right? The spell? The spell casting. Well, she will if you say you don't believe in them, I bet.

Okay. Maybe. The deputy cuffed the woman and took her outside. I think this is a living room woman, not bed. Well, no, it would be bedroom woman because she's the one crying. Yeah, because she threw the cup. She threw the cup. She threw the cup.

The deputy cuffed the woman and took her outside. He told her she was under arrest for fourth degree assault. Didn't we have fifth degree a few weeks ago? Fifth degree was like, first degree is the worst. First degree murder, that's the worst. Capital murder. Right. Second degree, not so bad.

Third degree, eh. Fourth degree, that could be a hug. He gave her a citation and released her. Yeah. So she's not arrested. Here's your ticket. Please don't throw cups. Sorry about the spells that have been cast on you.

By the way, they keep saying saying cup So it's not a glass Right It is just a cup It could be a plastic cup It could be a It's probably like Party center A McDonald's collective

Dick Tracy cup Who called the cops? Party bummer Thank you Serious party bummer And also the woman Who threw the cup is like Look

Just completely admitting it I did it Right Just talk to her For five minutes She's a witch bitch I dare it Just talk to her for five minutes She's a witch bitch I dare you to talk to her for five minutes This is like, yeah

This is like Giuliani being like Collusion's not such a bad thing You know what I mean? Like he's already I thought I was backing him up Yeah She probably was like Do you believe her?

Because she's a witch She probably put a spell on you She's a kitchen witch Did I throw a cup at her? Yes Would you have done the same thing? Yes Ma'am stop answering your own questions

The woman's daughter and son-in-law Said they would take her to a hotel A holodome Look we got it That's the end of the story I have no clue So who lives in this place? We got this guys

The witch's kids are taking her to a hotel No The cup thrower The cup thrower Whistleblower This is the greatest place? We got this, guys. The witch's kids are taking her to a hotel? No. Or the cup thrower. The cup thrower. Cup thrower. Whistleblower. This is the greatest Christmas ever. We got her. We'll take her to a hotel.

And you'll get a hotel tonight on Christmas Eve? So I want to say The Witches of Eastwick versus Practical Magic. Those two movies. I mean, those are just a group. Well done. A cabal of ladies. Craft and hocus pocus. Craft and hocus pocus.

And they're just whipping up spells against dudes. Witches of Eastwick, I'll say there's something I felt like. Nicholson, right? Yeah, last time I saw that movie, there was just something too weird about that movie for me to even watch. Do you remember that movie? I don't think I ever got through it. Cher.

Yeah, I remember it. Cher and Michelle Pfeiffer. Goldie Hawn? No. No. No. Michelle Pfeiffer Goldie Hawn No Whatever it was I do think they shot the woman Michelle Pfeiffer It might be Debra Winger

And Mekhi Pfeiffer I've got it for you Jason Alright what do you got Witches of Eastwick Michelle Pfeiffer Jack Nicholson Uh huh Cher

Not Do you want it? Madeline Kahn No Sharon Stone Richard Jenkins Veronica Cartwright Yeah

Michelle Pfeiffer Thank you Thank you And Third build Third build Oh wait Bette Midler

Nope It feels like a Bette Midler Nope It feels like a Bette Midler Good guess Good guess Joint Susan Sarandon Susan Sarandon Oh

Nicely done I'll win this whole thing That was insane And I would watch all of those people Reenact this Christmas That's Witches of Eastwick 2 Should be this month

Christmas of Eastwick Christmas of Eastwick Let me make a couple calls We got the plot line Let's go Lock in the budget Saran is the doubter Cher is the witch

Yeah And then And it's a cup Get it It's a cup I'm so into this movie Jealous I'm so into this movie

Oh there we go Alright there's a show That's a show Beautiful Beautiful Marilyn again Marilyn Marilyn Go check it out

To find out all the things Go see her on Valentine's Day in Connecticut. Yeah, the night before Valentine's Day, the 13th in Connecticut. No, she's doing the 14th and the 16th. Oh, I'm sorry. Go see her then. Yeah. Mary Lynn, Mary Lynn.

Because my husband says we don't do anything anyway. You know. Aw, that's so romantic. I know. So sweet. And truthful. Yeah, listen to your husband. No, who wants to spend extra money?

He's just trying to help. It's a trumped up holiday. He's just trying to help. He's just trying to help. He's going to give you time to drop the 15 pounds. He's trying to help. And then look, I'm giving you space. All right.

What a beautiful day in Dump People Town with Mary Lynn. And oh shit, we've got to get back to work. Dump, dump, dump, dump. Dump, dump, dump, dump. Dump, dump, dump, dump. Dump, dump, dump, dump. Dump, dump, dump, dump. Dump, dump, dump, dump.

Stick around. Make a sound. Bunker Down is Dump People Town. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Stick around. Make a sound. Calm your down. It's Dumb People Town. It's a good show.