Dumb People Town - Matt Besser - Soft Swing

Episode Date: October 10, 2017

This week, Matt Besser (Upright Citizens Brigade, improv4humans) drives his minivan all the way down to Dumb People Town! Along with Matt, the Sklars and Daniel Van Kirk jump into Story #1, in which a swingers party goes south real quick. The group ta...

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast jam With co-host Armand Dan Man, jerk, don't be a jerk, cause when the music hits the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, talk your downies, Dumb People Town. Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population U. We got a good one today. We've got someone.

Dan was designed to do this show. This show. And I'm so happy we have him here. Friend for 20 years? 20 plus. Besser, 20 plus. I think we met in 96, right? Yeah, definitely.

That's true. We met you when you, we saw you when you guys came to New York, when UCB came and landed in New York from Chicago. And then I think we've cast you in every single thing that we've ever done. Yes. From this point. Apartment 2F. You were in the pilot, which got the show picked up.

And then another bit besides that, right? And then you did another bit in an episode. Besides that, you were hilarious with your wife back on tops as like the couple that got sexually aroused by humanitarian efforts. Don't even remember that. That was so funny. We're just doing it for the kids. Oh, yeah.

You guys were all over each other. Just amazing. So happy to have you here. One of our favorite improvisers. And this show is all about the world getting dumber. And what do we do? Yeah, I was going to ask you guys. Do you feel like idiocracy theorem that the world is truly percentage-wise getting dumber?

Yeah. I think laziness fuels it. And then people are just starting to do dumber things i mean we're not any thought to it yeah then we see it like more and more it's it's getting easier to get articles and and stories our fans send us the stories but dan is inundated he gets to choose yeah but yeah that's either there do you well okay let me ask you it's correlated could you could make correlation to like people reading less books yes all that i feel like that's i feel like it's more it's even more okay to be dumb oh yeah i remember talking about this

with adam mckay back in the 90s about anti-intellectualism like it's not even it's okay to be dumb it's like being smart is elitist or something it's like uh you uh you wrote a book uh like it feels like high school i don't know like there was always like an element in our high school that was like the dumber were cool you were cool if you didn't give a shit about stuff you're cool if you didn't put the effort in oh yeah i've seen shows like that where people are like isn't it kind of funny we barely put any fucking effort into this sketch show oh dude i fucking hate i want to pound those people or stand-ups too yeah when it's their time even if it's an open mic it's like it's your five minutes

get the fucking most out of it. Don't fuck around. I feel like that was sketch shows all the time. And it was like, no, it's not. Part of the joke is not that it's hilarious. None of you, like, you're, like, cared or, like, have any props or didn't do anything. Like, you knew this show was happening. It's not funny that you didn't give a shit.

It wasn't like someone pulled you off the street and said, hey, want to do something you're like but i don't have anything with me right you knew that it was coming podcast too man some podcasts they're literally all like you guys have an awesome format it's in your title you understand the format when you get into it you stick to it and some are just let's just fucking turn it on. Turn it on. Turn it on and talk. Well, I do love the fact that there is a motor generating. And I don't know whether to be scared of the fact that we are never worried that we will be like, well, we just don't have stories this week. Like we get a guest. Besser, the world got smarter in one week.

We don't have anything. It is really true, Dan. Like someone's like, oh, we got someone last minute. They can come tomorrow Dan do you have enough material Dan laughs at us he laughs at us yeah I

got material for the next five shows we're good we're all good so I say we jump into it we have it and we'll talk about it we'll talk about you have some great

projects coming up and that are out now so we'll talk about that in the next segment but we got a story okay here we go this is some people send it by Thor99 at Thorsten99. I hope that's his first name and the year he graduated.

I wanted to go with Thorsten Howell III. I wanted to be a woman. You know what I thought? I thought, oh, 99's the year he graduated. He's probably 18. I got 99. 99's the year he was born. I got 99.

Thor's in a bitch A1. Yeah. I think he's just a fan of the female character from Get Smart. Oh, fair enough. 99? Is that a deep cut, guys? Deep cut. Deep cut.

If you're talking about the TV series, yes. The reboot movie with Steve Carell, then I don't know. I don't know either. That's not so deep of a cut. She was 99. I used to watch that and Dobie Gillis and Old School Nick at Night. Like, old school Nick at night like old school nick at night those are connection to the old country randy you sent me this one as well i'm gonna read you guys

the headline i love it swingers party goes bad i sent you this one oh it was you yeah i think okay goes bad it's where you guys's numbers look the same yeah i love it dan can't tell us apart on email yeah uh swingers party goes bad when jealous wife attacks husband with minivan that's perfect right that is better if you were attacking someone at a at a swingers party first weapon of choice minivan yeah i guess if you're out a fire poker yeah but uh i just go salad you can just go after the genitalia specifically rather than the whole body imagine the party she's like honey can i talk to you outside well this is really quick i want to show you something can you go stand in the driveway she's got a weep weep and then get in, turn it on. Yeah. And then go after you. Or I feel like minivans at this point, you don't have a minivan, do you?

No. Okay. So I have two kids. I do not have a minivan. Jade does not either. But I feel like minivans at this point, she could have the keys in the house. And if it is a key party, maybe it's not even her minivan. Maybe she picked the most souped up minivan that was in the bowl.

Oh, that's how she chose her mate was. What kind of features do you have on the caravan? You get a fob, and then who's ever pocket goes off. But I think you can probably turn it on in the house. The car? Yeah, I'm sure there was like a... Oh, she did it with remote. She wasn't even in the van.

She night-ridered it? She night-ridered the shit out of it. Also the name of the party. Yeah, night-rider. No, it's called Night ride her of course there must be this problem at every swingers party i've never been to one but that that there must they must have some like something prepared for the when someone becomes jealous right realizes they're not that into it like they got talked into going there has to happen in every it's not even it's not even two it's not swingers couples like a foursome it's a party all right so that's

her you have been a part of many different sketch groups which include a lot of different personalities you know when it's working everybody is on the same page and has the right but if somebody doesn't have the right attitude if someone someone's not there, okay, I imagine that gets amplified many times at an orgy or a swingers party. You kick them out. Yeah. Get them out of the group. Cut them. You're not going to rehearse?

Blow jobs? Cut. By the way, like an orgy, like a sketch group, an orgy, those who are the most generous tend to make the whole thing better, right? Yeah. Was her husband the most generous with his penis? Maybe he was not. He was a sketch player, and every time he orgasmed, he said,

And seen. And seen. Bay County Sheriff's deputies. And seen. At Sklar Brothers. Yes, sir. Bay County Sheriff's Deputies Ant Seaman At Sklar Brothers Yes sir Bay County Sheriff's Deputies Oh At about 10.30pm on Thursday

That's early Yeah early and Thursday Like almost mid-Wednesday Yeah party People gotta go to Saturday Weekend started kids

Wait I So everybody has to It takes a special person To go to a swingers party And knowing that they have to that so everybody has a special person to go to a swingers party and knowing that they have to get up for work the next day right in minivan that means kids yes i got a babysitter for this yeah which is probably she was more mad this is what we're doing on our night on date night on thursday night september 21st, responded to an assault complaint at the 100 block of Walter Court within Banger Township's Banger Downs Housing Community. Stop it.

Yes. Banger Downs. These people are on prayer. Banger Downs. Banger Downs. Chicago Banger. We'll take Banger Downs. The caller told dispatchers the woman was trying to run people over with a motor vehicle.

If you're at a swingers party and someone's trying to run you over the car, just my advice, go inside. Go inside. Go inside. You're not in a parking lot or an open field. Once she gets in the car. Once they back up. Yeah.

It's your time to go. Come over here by my car. No. Nope. I'm going to stay on the porch. I'm good. Just wheels spinning in the mud. Yelling.

Someone get over here. Don't you, when you do see, I feel like I did just see this in some TV show too. Someone getting run over and killed. I can't remember which one it was. But don't you always think in that moment, like how did the car, unless you get a long ramp up, it seems like if you only had... A little bit of distance. Yeah, like 10 yards, wouldn't it be hard to get over a human body?

I think it would be, although you just keep going. If you just keep going up and over. Just keep going. You got to work for it. So like now, of in all in most dumb people telling stories we have to say what were the 10 things that led up to this we gotta now figure out why she i mean he told her was she not invited marriage like was she not no she's invited she's there implies she's invited yeah this is clearly his idea. He can't show up. Yeah. With just one person. What do they call it?

Showing up Irish? No. To a party where you bring nothing? Yeah. You can't do that at a swingers party. Showing up Irish. Showing up Irish is probably the name of the song. You guys don't know that term?

No. No. First time I've heard it. Going Dutch? That's not it. Going Dutch is everybody pays for themselves. But that's what I meant earlier by where's what was she there has to be lines right drawn in the sand before the party starts right right honey this is what we're

doing tonight we're going over their house it's game night kind of it's swinging we're swinging games i mean maybe there was a rule like you can have sex with her but you can't kiss her no mouth kissing and all of a sudden, he got into it. He couldn't control himself. He lost where he was for a minute. The caller told dispatchers the woman was trying to run people over the vehicle. I would love to hear that 911 call. We got a swinger party gone bad down here.

Deputies arrived to see a red or maroon. I don't know why it matters. Man, we can't come. Trying? Everyone's trying out there. Once he succeeds succeeds that's when we'll come down yeah we're more of a response all over town trying ma'am is there penetration has there been penetration no not yet well call us when there is so isn't it called a soft swing when you uh when the couples fuck in front of each other, but they don't switch, and maybe he switched and shouldn't have.

Yeah, maybe that's it. He took it from a soft swing to a hard swing. Deputies arrived to see a red or maroon Dodge Caravan, which is exactly how wood paneling, in front of the residence, and 28-year-old Amber K. Shoemaker trying to enter the home with a screwdriver in her hand.

Enter the home. So she'd already tried to get her hand back in. People ran and locked her out logically. It makes sense that she'd be locked out of the rest of the swinger party. So this isn't her home, obviously. Right. She said once you try to run people over, you are no longer a part of the swinger party. I'm just thinking

of the guy who's inside who is still trying to put the moves on people while all this is going on. She's going to be out there. This is not going to be ruined for me. Crazy, right? Look, she's sitting over here. We might be. Do you have the answer? Yeah, I've got the whole story.

Oh, my God. Outside of the house was her 33-year-old husband who was bleeding from a wound to his forehead. So she got him. She got him. Why is she trying to get inside the house to go get the woman? She's mad at other people. The woman. Am I saying woman?

Why can't he be a by-swinger? Maybe that's what crossed their minds. He was an innocent by-swinger. An innocent by-swinger. I was just standing there watching. I had a dick up my ass Standing there with my dick in my hand Literally

And it wasn't mine I looked down and Imagined my surprise when it's not mine 26 year old female resident who called 911 told deputies she and her 31 year old fiance had the shoemakers Over for a swingers party So it is a foursome

Play a little best ball action that's right according to police amber shoemaker was downstairs with the female residence fiance so amber is downstairs downstairs with the the guy at this house fiance not yet her husband was upstairs with the female resident that's not supposed to work yeah that's not even really a party, right? No. Yeah, you shouldn't call it a party. You're at different levels of the house paired off.

It's a dinner date. Right. In porn categories, I'd be mad if I pushed swinger party. Yeah, and I just got two apples. A couple upstairs and a couple downstairs. Yeah, that's more of a get-together. Yeah. Right?

Are you having a party? No, it's kind of more of like a get-together. That is something more for Thursday. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Warming up for the big swinger party. Yeah, you're getting the weekend started. You're not...

On Saturday night, we're going to have six people. You can't just go straight to a swing, go zero to swinger party. You got to hit somewhere in between. It is funny when you think about it. When you go from four to six, that does... Four is really... But you go six. Now you officially have a party.

Listen, you swing how you practice. And also with four, you know exactly what's going to happen. Yeah. Like, you know how it's going to pair. Literally pair up. Yeah. But with six, you don't know what's going to happen. Yeah.

There could be. One guy might just be alone. Yeah, that's right. That'd be me. Oh, hey, what happened? Where am I? Where did i go wrong where did everybody go uh so amber shoemakers is downstairs with the guy who lived there right her husband upstairs with the woman who lived there when the pair upstairs came downstairs

amber shoemaker slapped her husband and went outside. So he came down to where she was. And she was pissed about it. What's going on? We're all done. What's happening down here? I just finished. The other three people followed her only to see her get in her minivan and drive towards them. Get out of the yard.

Go outside. At this point, it's sort of on you. You're not watching a movie. This is every white person in a horror movie. The minivan went over the curb, onto the sidewalk, and toward the porch where her husband and the host were standing still on them get out both men had to jump out of the way to avoid being hit the woman told deputies which i guess the other woman took it stayed in the middle she ain't gonna hit me sideways she's not gonna hit me we've shared the same man.

Amber Shoemaker drove away. So she was playing chicken, I guess. By the way, is she clothed at this point? Did she bother to put clothes on? One tit is out. Something is out. It was like a blouse that's undone. Amber Shoemaker drove away but came back a few minutes later and resumed a physical altercation with her husband,

which in my mind amber drives away is cussing to an empty car yeah yeah and gets herself so worked up she comes all the way out and gets the screwdriver out of the bed and he's saying to the couple guys i'm really sorry i mean i talked to her about this thank god she's gone oh no and you know it ended like this babe let me get in the car she's got a screw you fuck you Babe let me get in the car She's got a screwdriver Fuck you Fuck you Amber let me get in the goddamn car Fuck you She dives away

Pulls back First thing she says Get in Get in the goddamn car Screwdriver to head At least none of my At least none of my tools Are in the car

Oh god She's got it That's where she went Right home To get the screwdriver To get tools Also when she came back around The couple I imagine Went inside and instantly resumed

having sex with each other. Yeah, because they're so turned on. The guy was like, when she gets here, I'll talk to her. I got it. So Amber gets hot. Maybe Amber was just in a really rough sex. Yes. Slapping around was enough.

This is all part of the escapade. I want to hit you with a carbine. God, if this... Yeah, it's like S&M, but with larger toys 50 shades of vans the male resident and they did say was it maroon or red right there's different shades of that 50 shades of maroon the male resident that's what the name of this thing that's the name of the shades of the male resident and amber shoemaker's husband gave similar accounts as to what transpired. The husband said his wife attacked him because she was jealous. You shouldn't be at a swingers party.

By the way, I think she didn't know it was a swingers party. She found out. Where'd they go? They went upstairs. Come over here. Why are they watching TV upstairs? The husband... That's her question.

They wanted to watch something else. Yeah. Thursday night the husband had a deep cut to his forehead body scratch marks on his right shoulder a bite mark on his left shoulder

some of those have to be from the sex some of them came from the woman some of those were requested he was bleeding from his mouth Amber Shoemaker

had a scratch down the middle of her back again who knows and a swollen right cheek Amber Shoemaker who appeared

to be intoxicated told police she had the screwdriver to start the minivan because we stole it officer violent with this you don't need to worry about this stop asking me about how we got the van that's not what you're here for stop asking me about what i was doing violently here i'm gonna now give you a fact that makes you investigate something else. What about that dead family in the back of the van? Who's going to be upset about that? Why do you keep asking about things?

I'm talking about my husband being, this is how I turn on the car. Can you put the screwdriver down? My keys? No, the screwdriver. My keys. She's like the type of person who's like that's what she had that's how you know it's not gonna go well i can't start the car the keyhole is stripped so she brought she drops a screwdriver into the dish amber shoemaker who appeared to be

or are we giving her a hard time that she was like i didn't know it was going to be, I came here for a soft swing. Soft swing. I'm upset about this. I'm leaving. And then she realized I left my keys in the bowl. In the bowl. So I don't want to interrupt them. I'm going to learn how to hot wire my car with a screwdriver. She said she had consumed up to a half a fifth of vodka within the previous two hours

deputies at 11 05 p.m so they've been hanging out now for 35 minutes with these people can you give someone a dui if the screwdriver is in the car in the keyhole drive in the keyhole of the screw because you know what it is dan if the screwdrivers yeah if the keys are out you can't yeah if you're sleeping your car keys out you're not going to get a DUI. But if the screwdriver is in. If you are smart, if you were dumb enough to get in your car, then smart enough to realize I should not be driving, and you pull over. Take the keys out.

Take the keys out. You leave those keys in, cops come up, DUI. Okay, but I have this question. What about cars like, there are a bunch of cars that are keyless. They can't prove in time to drive if the car's off so at 11 05 p.m if she drank some orange juice she would be a screwdriver she had half a fifth of vodka i imagine after 35 minutes these police officers know everything that's wrong in this marriage oh my god they We do, and we've read a third of this article.

Yes. Amber Shoemaker took a breathalyzer test, the results of which indicated her blood alcohol level was... Let's guess it. And I'm going to have you guys guess. Okay. Okay, so.1 is usually... .08 is legal. Yeah, that's the...

Legal limit. Matt, you are our guest. I'm from Arkansas. I was 0.1 when I was growing up. They've changed it. Matt, you can either go first, last, or in the Tig Notaro slot, which is right in between me and Jay. So where do you want to go in terms of guessing?

Because we always used to let people go first to the lap, but Tig was the one who was like, I'll go second. I'll go in between the Sklar brothers. So you can go first, last, Tig. I'll go first. Okay. What do you think the blood alcohol level of amber is now you know what she drank right but we don't know how big she is we don't know how alcohol affects

her i can show you a picture of her do you want to get a look let's get a look at it by the way this picture will be posted this is everything you think she's gonna be who is not enjoying her marriage by the way kind of cute not big She's not big. She's like normal. Half a fifth of vodka in two hours. They've been there for a half hour. What's her blood alcohol content? We do have the numbers, don't we? I'm going to say

she's a I'm going to go high. I'm going to say .2. That's a solid drunk. Randy or Jason? Go ahead. I'm going to say.2. That's a solid drunk. Okay. That is. Randy or Jason? Go ahead.

I'm going to say. Jason, I'm going to say.15. All right. That's very high. Still high. Double the legal limit on this. Half of a fifth of vodka. Yeah. I'm going.25.

.25. Even above me. Above him. All right. All right. I'm going to tell you. Guys, guess at home. I wonder what death is.

Do we know that? We've always said that 0.3. 0.3 is just basically pouring vodka on the breathalyzer. That's 0.3. Yeah. Okay. Everybody play along at home. I'm going to tell you guys in this room, someone has got the nail in the head.

Oh, yeah. Someone has got the nail in the head. You put the screwdriver in the ignition on this one. Yes Someone's got the screwdriver in the ignition on this one. Yes. You put the screwdriver in the ignition. Amber Shoemakers, breathalyzer test revealed she was.15. Yes! I never win these things.

I'm so excited I got it on the HESA. Deputies are all high. They're all high. No, it's like not healthy. None of it is healthy. Right. I love the next four words. Deputies arrested both shoemakers there you go i don't know for what why would that why would you don't know oh here it is the husband was arrested this is

how well guys people who think i really read these well nope the husband was arrested for violating a personal protection order i forgot about about this. This is why this really works in WLT. He was violating a personal protection order listing his wife as the protected party. His wife had a restraining order? Against him and then they went to a soft

swing party together. This is out of control. Yes. Well, how can you even have a restraining order? Aren't you divorced? I don't know. I don't think so. Not to be going in the same. But how hard would that be if they still lived in the same house but had to be 500 yards

away from each other at all times? Honey, I'm upstairs. Do not come up the stairs. Maybe that's why they were on different floors at the swingers party. He had to be 500 yards. But on what level? Hey, look. I know you got a restraining order against me. We'll work that

stuff out. I have a plus one to the Swiggers party tonight. Do you want to go? It's a three-story house. We'll go upstairs. We'll rock basement crawl space. You rock attic. Yeah, she's the dumb person because she has the restraining order. Why is she jealous of? Yes.

It's a guy you literally told the courts you by law don't want to be around this person. While en route, we'll get out of here on this. While en route to the Bay County Jail, Amber Shoemaker, I just like this, threatened to sue the deputies for false arrest.

She also added that she hoped one deputy's wife was cheating on him. And I love the comment. I hope she made the threat that way. And of the two of you i hope at least one of you has a wife that's cheating on you hey easy back there easy and i like that the cop was like put that in you make sure you stay going in the report to me she said that to me my marriage was on the rock how dare she said these deputies are so thin skin i work a lot

yeah i tell my wife i want to be home but like i gotta he doesn't understand the life of a cop this is a nighttime job the amount of things that get said to cops by pissed off people they've arrested and they're like can you believe her ass the gall of this woman say my bring my wife into it like that exactly when he knows when she knows which means to me if they made that big of a deal his wife is cheating on her absolutely the yeah the way it's written it sounds like she knows i do she's got some information my husband was fucking your wife i know i know you james carla's cheating on your the last swing party he party. Solid Michigan dialect. I love it. Alright guys, first story down in the

books. We are off and running. Dumb People everywhere. Matt Besser is here. Stay with us. Hey guys, welcome back to Dumb People Town. We got Matt Besser. He's a great follow on Twitter. You're on Twitter. Yeah.

At Matt Besser. At Matt Besser. And I want to talk about the musical. You have a musical that you wrote. Yeah. Please tell us about it and how people can watch it because it's great i've actually been working on it with uh this guy bobby matthews who's a musician uh used to be in this punk band trusty on discord records uh we've been writing it and working on it recording it for years

but i first got obsessed with it during the whole carlos mencia which i felt like stealing ari shafir's joke the name of the musical is stolen stolen idea stolen oh did i not say that yeah it's still an idea it's about a comedian who has a bit that he's had for a while stolen by a younger comic who's now doing it better and becoming more popular with basically the same bit and then we also follow a musician who feels like he's kind of running out of time to have a hit song he's getting older so he he steals a coldplay song uh viva la vida which is stolen itself it is it's been or at least accused it went to court i don't i don't know what was the viva la know. What did it steal from?

Joe Santriani, is that how you say his name? Yeah, Joe Santriani. The guitarist. Guitarist extraordinaire. He has a lick that sounds exactly like the hook of that song. And they were also sued by a band, I think in my memory, it's Creaky Boards, was this name, this independent kind of unknown band and they had a song that sounds pretty much and you can look this up right now dear listener but it sounds a lot like the song okay and they claim that coldplay was in the audience of their south

by southwest showcase and heard them play this song before they recorded or created people yes and this band song definitely came out before the coldplay song and it definitely sounds like but it's also one of those to be fair to coldplay it is one of those kind of riffs where you're like okay i can see how you can come up with that maybe there's a new beck song off the new beck album called like All Night Long that sounds exactly like, I can't feel my face when I'm with you. Like the Weeknd song. It sounds exact. I can only imagine that the Weeknd is going to freak out.

Yeah. All week long. It's going to go after the weekday. And we were talking about the Carlos Mencia stuff. You went down the wormhole. You saw all the videos and all the stuff. Joe Rogan on stage. Yeah, i was fascinated by that whole thing you wanted joe rogan to just kick his ass like i find that so cool when people publicly confront each other like that because it's so easy to do

it on twitter and kind of an anonymous way you did it at the comedy store and at a comedy club and just saying hey dude especially when they're on stage yeah because also mencia was at a point when that happened where he was still pretty big he was big he had a show on tv he was selling out big theaters and i wouldn't say arenas at that point but he pushing that and to confront he probably didn't have a lot of people confronting him on shit is what i'm saying so it took joe rogan like a judo champion to like step on stage and and say i don't like what you're doing here there was a moment where i was like carlos don't you know you can't get into a fight with this guy he will he will literally kill you in this moment yeah it's the last dude in the comedy scene you want to get in a fight with but it was kind of amazing i give

rogan a ton of credit for step me up because it wasn't even rogan's material he was standing up for ari shafir yeah i think he's still even more from he's stolen from lots of people there was some hispanic comedian who died that i think he got accused of stealing his material. Yeah, Freddy Soto. Freddy Soto, maybe. Mm-hmm. Yeah, unreal. That was crazy,

but it wasn't just, there's a lot of stuff like that back then. That happens all the time and all we have are our ideas. As people, creative people

in the comedy world, all we have are our ideas. And we know, we all of us know, all four of us know how hard it is to create something

that actually works. Sometimes you parallel create. Sometimes you create, and I think that's what you were saying with Coldplay as well, that maybe they parallel created this song and, you know, it is a little weird

that if they did see their set at Southwest Southwest and they played that song, sometimes it can creep into your mind. And I think music is different, but like if you have a concept for a bit comedy bit yeah there's big ideas and there's small ideas like that guy on on twitter the few years ago he goes by the name of the big fat jew do you guys remember him the fat jewish worst yeah he the worst he stole from me i was one of

the really yeah i was one of the comedians. What did he steal from you specifically? Because I want to call it out. It was one of my first Twitter jokes. Let me think how the joke went. It was like, how many stoners or potheads does it take to change a light bulb? None. Let's keep it mellow in here.

Thank you very much. That's keep it mellow in here. Thank you very much. That's a great joke. And he didn't even paraphrase it. He just cut and pasted it. Like that's how you know like, oh man, you didn't even bother changing the words. Did someone bring it to your attention? I don't know. I think someone

did and at that point I wasn't upset about it. Like I was like, I didn't know I think someone did and at that point I wasn't upset about it like I was like I didn't know that he would then go on to make millions of dollars aggregating other people's stuff I can't remember how I found out I didn't search it I guess someone did tell me

or someone said hey that's Besser's joke and but I didn't care because I felt like it was just some fucking guy like you don't care if it's just some this guy literally didn't care because i felt like it was just some fucking guy like you don't care if it's just some fucking guy right it's just but then like a year or two later when it came out that this guy had been doing it and had become a big deal i was like oh yeah i'd almost forgotten about that and there was a rolling stone article where they quoted my thing i was like oh my god i totally forgot that dude stole my joke.

Stole your joke? Amazing. But I've been stolen from big concepts, like television show idea. That's when you're like, I'm going to fucking kill that guy. Right, that is humongous. Because there's nothing you can do about it at that point. I mean, by the way, back in the day, the MTVs of this world were classic at, you'd come in and pitch something, and they'd be like, we already have something like that the day, the MTVs of this world were classic at you'd come in and pitch something and they'd be like, we already have something like that in development,

whether they did or didn't. And then they would go develop the show and be like, we told you we already had it in development. Like, no way for you to prove. A show that was stolen from me was on MTV. But it wasn't stolen by MTV. It was stolen by somebody else. Yeah, they brought it to MTV.

That's funny you said that. I used to get i used to get teens pregnant all the time and like this is fucking funny good drama this should be a show a show i'd say to everybody by the way i fucked another team got her pregnant and i go should be a show right and then that I can't believe so that inspired you to write this that whole thing obviously

it all kind of contributed to you wanting to explore this topic yeah when when that and those all things started all happening about the same time

and I was and then everyone was being fascinated by it like we were captivated by it I mean you listen to the

Carlos Maciel on Marc Maron he does kind of confront him on the WTF even like Louis and Dane Cook on Louis' show and Louis and Dane Cook on Louis' show and then that whole thing was fascinating and interesting

and then people who get accused here like Conan O'Brien's writing staff got accused of stealing some jokes, but if you read those jokes, you're like, no way. No way. So on all sides,

there is fascinating. By the way, where can people get the musical and see it's an hour long? Yeah, it's on Stitcher Premium. If you go to Stitcher Premium slash stolen and you can get it

Stitcher Premium free for a month if you use stolen as the promo code. Dude, check it out, everybody. And I also have a website, stolenidea.net, where I have a news aggregate of all these stories of comedians and musicians getting their shit stolen. I have an idea to promote it. Yeah? I have an idea to promote it. I should steal some people's bits?

Yeah. I have an idea to promote it. I should steal some people's bits. No, you should fabricate that someone stole this idea from you and make a huge thing about it and get it picked up everywhere. Or I should get someone else to say I stole their idea. You stole this from them. Yeah. This would be great. Like somebody big that you stole this from them and you play it out in the media and like play it out on Twitter.

Like if you get Amy Mann or something. I know we're recording this and I know this is going out to our fans, but then only our fans will know that like the inside out. You'll be on the inside. Can we do that? Let's do that. That's good. I want that.

You're right. And you find someone sort of known. Like someone who like, or someone who like plays music who like had this idea percolate. Get them so in it and create a whole thing. God, that'd be so let's do it all right we gotta let's do it yes here we go this was sent in by jen amedi j amedi a-m-e-d-y 51 yes thank you jen a mom now you guys are gonna have to tell me how weird this is because it freaks me out. I think the three of you will know better than I do. Okay. A mom in Taiwan is furious after she caught her nanny drinking her breast milk for the second time.

Why? Yeah. Breast milk's pretty sweet. I don't know if you've tasted it. It's kind of watery, too. It's watery and sweet. Wasn't there a place in LA that made breast milk cheese for a while? I believe it. I was like, who the fuck wants it? But you never tried breast milk cheese for a while? I believe it.

I was like. But you never tried breast milk, Buster? What's this? Neither one of, but you both have, Skloys? I have tried. I've tasted a little of it. I just tasted a little bit because I'm like, I got to see what my kids are drinking. If I'm ever with a woman and she gets pregnant and has a kid, I'll try the breast milk.

You have to try it. You got to try it. Especially when they're lactating, there is something interesting about it. But let me tell you this. It's squirted in your mouth. I don't even like real milk. It's not. But the breast milk. You have to try it. You gotta try it. Especially when they're lactating, there is something interesting about it. But let me tell you this. It's squirted in your mouth. I don't even like real milk. It's not, but the breast... Not that that's not real.

It's like almond milk. But breast milk is real. Breast milk, by the way, also, like I'm gonna give this mom credit, not just for the fact that it's weird that the woman was drinking it, but breast milk is like gold. I can remember my wife pumping it

and it was so hard for her to get like a certain amount and i remember one time i was like sealing it into the bag after she pumped for an hour and i dropped it on the floor and everyone's like like it was like i had that's that's the only reason i drink i once we had run out of half and half for my coffee and asked my wife, can I squirt a little from your breast into my coffee? Just take the edge off. And she got really mad. She got really mad, but the end result is

you weren't sick for six months after that. Your immune system was incredible at that point. The 27-year-old mother of two identified by the surname Lynn had given birth less than a month before when she first caught her nanny guzzling the stuff. Jesus. Lynn was disturbed but let the caretaker off with a warning. Guzzling is not tasting.

In the future, if my daughter is full, please feed the rest to my two-year-old son. Is that weird? No. Yes. That's weird, too. It is weird, too. Two-year-olds. I knew reading this I was just going to defer to you guys.

No, there's a moment. There was a moment, and I don't know if you did this with your daughter, Besser, but there's a moment where they don't finish all of their chicken fingers, and you're just like, I can throw this away, but someone's starving somewhere, and you just shovel shit in your face. Yeah, and then I get sick a week later. Right. I'm like, I got to stop. I got to stop doing this, or I need breast milk to counterbalance it.

But I can understand that feeling of like, I got to wash this thing out and let me just drink the rest of it. I'm trying to give her an out. I'm trying to give her an out. I agree with it. It's a commodity that is rare. And it's, well, maybe with some women it's not but i don't remember a time when cindy was sending back the bottle half full i just don't remember that yeah and i'm assuming danielle wasn't like i'm just we have so much no we have so my wife was saying

you can save it it's not like yeah you can freeze it you can freeze it date on it and it's all good but so the the guzzling of it when it isn't you're not a family member to me like the outside the family is what is creeping me out about this whole that's what was the word guzzling usually really used yeah when she like i think you should only guzzle beer or maybe what else can you buy the mountain do you could guzzle mountain yeah arezzling. Or maybe, what else can you guzzle? By the mountain dew. You could guzzle mountain dew. Yeah. Or you get Gatorade on a hot day.

In fact, Gatorade is probably the ultimate guzzling. You just played an hour and a half of pickup basketball. You're going to guzzle a Gatorade. And also guzzling- If you're at a soft swing party, you can guzzle some cum. Yeah, that's right. But beyond that- Guzzle it down.

Guzzle means definitely as you're guzzzzling it's not all getting in your it's yeah it's not all getting in your mouth either you know what i mean there's stuff coming down your face yeah you've let it yeah but you don't care you don't care and unless you come aesthetically you want to see that but not milk not baby's milk there's no reason breast milk and like you were saying if you're guzzling it the baby probably didn't have enough yeah yeah right there's no babies like i'm good there's never like a a gallon of breast milk it's always like just enough to fill the bottle so the guzzle is hard you have to unscrew the nipple top nipple to guzzle like i would i would kick out the nanny mid guzzle yeah that's like get the fuck out of here with that second time like she's saying

this happened a second time she gave her a warning which is that part is this like a taiwanese cultural thing saying we need to just we can't jump to conclusions so quickly well all was forgiven but not forgotten on september 12th i'll never forget where i was on september 12th pause so you guys could get when the breast milk went down when the second when the second bottle of breast milk went down i'll never forget where i was when noticed that a bottle of milk had been drained suspiciously quickly so she turned to the nanny cam footage oh jesus is it common practice one of those you do or not don't know nope it's because you're confident in who's taking care of your kids right yeah it hasn't even crossed my mind until now and i'm like maybe i should

professor i want to ask you a question we and the former incarnation of this podcast we had you on and talking about cameras just made me think of it are there still some sort of like drug trafficking or sleeper cell going on by your house i don't live there anymore you don't you got out you're away from it that was one of my favorite things i never learned about somebody i knew that they were like i'm pretty sure i mean oh yeah they had cameras facing... Burbs situation. Out, away from their house. Yeah. Yeah.

That was fucked up. Do you ever drive by just to see what's... I forget how far I told you guys, but when they left eventually, I snuck into the garage. I tell you this in the show. No, no. Because I was like, what was going on in there? Yeah. And... You're Ray Peterson from the Burbs.

You're Ray Peterson from the Burbs. I went into the garage, and up on a dry erase board, there was a diagram for some kind of drip system. What? Which I'm guessing was for pot plants. Hydroponic weed plants. Yeah. Okay. My fear at the time is happening, because I'm obsessed with this, was they were making uh concentrate uh weed concentrate which used butane and it blows up a lot of times yeah yeah and i was like oh man they're doing i don't think i don't think they were doing that but that was my fear i love that

you went in there that's great it takes a certain person you got out of bed it was like okay going in that we're going in there today yeah daniel was not happy about that by the way knowing answers by the way knowing full well that you were being caught on camera going in there because there's a camera oh they were long gone they were gone oh yeah yeah i never would have gone while they were still in the house i can't remember what part which story i told you guys because there's so many of this but one time I there's this woman walking down our street and uh it's a dead end so someone's walking down our street they have a reason yeah like they're going to someone's house or they're delivering something so someone's not

you're like what the fuck is this person doing what are you doing so I followed her because she looked and she was like looking behind her too at me, but walking oddly. So I followed her. She went into the back of my neighbor's house. Into the back. I'm like, what the fuck? Why is she going back there? So I went and I kind of peered and I'm already suspicious. So I'm like, is she with him or what

and she's in the backyard like standing in the middle because i can see from their driveway their backyard yeah standing in the middle and i went what are you doing back there because there was no cars in the driveway so they weren't home you asked her what are you doing i'm like i think i think i said can i help you they're good And I go, and she's something like, I'm looking for a friend's house. I'm like, you're looking for a friend's house in someone's backyard? Good. These are a friend's house inside that house? So then she said she went into the backyard because she thought I was following her.

So she made it about you. She turned it on you. And to be fair, I think that is what happened. Yeah. Then the dude from the house comes barreling out of the house. What the fuck are you guys doing in my backyard? At this point, she's left the yard. As he's coming to the house, now she's going back down the sidewalk towards where the people

should be. now she's going back down the sidewalk towards where people should be right and uh and i'm telling him hey dude i just saw someone go into your backyard and i was trying to help you out i asked her what he's doing back there was he cool and he was mad up to that point and he went and you could see it switch and him going okay okay all right and and he's like who was back there i'm like well that woman now she's halfway down the block i'm like she was just he's like, who was back there? I'm like, well, that woman. Now she's halfway down the block. I'm like, she was just, he's like, all right. And then he ran after her. And that's the last I saw. That's great.

And chased her into someone else's backyard. But he was so mad about us being in the backyard. I knew something was up. You were too close. You had gotten too close. You got too close to the top. I'm going to tell you, I'm glad you're out of that neighborhood. Yeah.

But they're gone, too. There's too much going on. All right. So, Nanny Guzzlin. That's my dumb. Nanny Guzzlin. I love it. you're out of that neighborhood yeah there was too much going on all right so sorry guzzling nanny guzzling so she turned on she turned to her nanny cam footage at first all seemed fine the nanny was bottle feeding her one month old daughter but then the caretaker glared at the security camera and with baby and bottle in tow moved the room, away from the camera's lens. So she's sitting there, looks straight at the camera. And you know it was

a slow, scary look. But she didn't move far enough because she was still in the frame. You gotta know, where's my edge? Am I here? I thought nanny cams are always hidden. In a teddy bear. Why are there so many teddy bears all over

this house? I think it's more insulting to have just a camera out just yeah oh yeah now you're just fire that person if you're at a level you're like this is the camera yeah and we can see everything at that level why is there a teddy bear in the pantry i don't trust you are there teddy bears all over the place up in the corner of the ceiling and the wall i don don't trust you at all. Now, I'll be back in six hours. Yeah, right. She didn't move far enough, but she was still in the frame when she proceeded to chug the remainder of the bottle.

She's got a problem. That's a fetish. That's a thing. Lynn confronted the nanny, who admitted that she did it, but didn't apologize. Did you do it? Yeah. Are you sorry? No.

No. Did you do it? Yeah. Is there anything else you want to it? Yeah. Are you sorry? No. No. Did you do it? Yeah. Is there anything else you want to say? No. Lynn told local news media that the nanny said she had only drunk a little and accused her employer of being ungenerous and mean. So the nanny like flips it.

Yeah. The problem here is you. Yeah. I only had a little bit of the milk that it took your body to make how ungenerous are you i don't know how this becomes a news story because i would be so well the news story is probably that she murdered her that's when you beat her like i'd be get the fuck out i'd be explode i know there'd be no discussion where i think you're i'd be like yeah according to news reports the nanny even sent lynn a hostile message quote this is from the nanny the previous mother i worked for

let me take her breast milk home and if the baby baby had not finished it she would not make a big deal about it it's really one grain of rice that can feed a hundred people i originally did not want to go to your home anyway. Oh. Mic drop. So is this someone who really is into the curing properties? The healing properties.

The nanny reportedly also claimed to suffer from anemia, a blood disorder that can cause iron deficiency and didn't want to waste the milk. Lynn pointed out that the remainder was meant to go to her son and the daily mail adds that doctors advise anemia patients drink fewer dairy products since calcium makes it more difficult to absorb iron we'll get out of here on this by the way that would have been a great thing for the mom to then say oh you're in anger well study show

i am looking at a study right now Lynn called the social welfare department Which decided the nanny's behavior Wasn't misconduct Just unprofessional What's the difference? Exactly The nanny reportedly has found work At a kindergarten

Kids If your parents are still breastfeeding You bring some of that here to class By the way If you still are breastfeeding your kid And he or she is five years old. If you can tell your kid to just seal it up and put the remainder in the fridge for you, that's too old of a kid to be breastfeeding.

Isn't that in L.A., I think? Some of these moms go to 10 or something. They don't go to 10. They walk up to the 10. Oh, I think what's-her-name did. Who? Who? Who went to 10?

I'm going to say it wrong, though. Was it Blossom or Punky Brewster? Mayim Bialik? Was it Suleimun Fry? Suleimun Fry had that store down on Larchmont, a kid's store. I always mix them up, and I apologize to the other one. But either Blossom or Punky Brewster. Isn't someone looking this up right now?

Look it up. Look it up. Look it up. Breastfed till very late age. Till like 10. You want to say till 10? 10 is insane. I have... You should never be breastfeeding a kid that is taller than you.

My first guess was... You should never breastfeed a kid as you're taking them, and then take them to soccer practice. You know what I'm saying? That shouldn't happen. Maybe... Who was it? Definitely sleeping in the same bed, because I know that's her whole thing.

The community bed is definitely... But I thought there was also even the breastfeeding. Breastfeeding until late. Did you find one? I'm looking for it right now. I'm going with Soleil Moon Frye first. Okay. It just feels... Soleil Moon Frye... I don't even know the official name of either of them. find one i'm looking for it right now i'm going with soleil moon fry first okay feels

so i don't even know their official name of either of them well one is my mb alec my mb alec is on the big bang theory like she's had a career resurgence on that show she's oh i can't find it here i promise we'll give a follow-up in the uh in the break i'll look at that all right uh who is it my What do you see? Mayim Bialik. I'm done breastfeeding my four-year-old son, Fred. It was Blossom. It was Blossom.

Four years old is too old. I mean. It was four? Four. Four. Four. Your kid is four. Your kid is four.

I would have said to Mayim Bialik, your kid has already blossomed. You do not. Geez. All right. We're going to get out of this. I'm going to ask you guys, take out everything you know about her. Straight down, stare in the camera. She says she has anemia.

How old is the nanny? How old is the nanny? Too much fun leaves marks in life. Living hard, you'll pay the price. Who is going to get it right? Guess the age. Guess the age. Guess the age.

You want to go first, second, or tig, Matt? What do you want to do? No, first, third, or tig. First, third, or tig. What do you want to do? I'm going to go first again. Okay. First again.

First again. I'm going to say she's old school or something, home remedy. That's why she's all into this. No way a young girl's going to do this. I'm going to say she's 60 Okay I think she's 41 I'm smack dabbing in the middle

I think she's 51 Nobody went young with the nanny You guys agree with me You made a very compelling claim This is like some holistic Coachella 11 27 year old This is somebody who has been She's got a flower crown on and breast milk in her mouth this is someone

who's been cultivating this fetish for a long time and when she speaks you don't think it's perverse that's why you think it is a fucking home remedy like if I had a 20 year old wouldn't that freak you out

more though a lot a lot six year old said I drank the breast milk I go oh boy okay we just I'll give you a warning.

I told you. Just don't do that again. I told you. Young, 23-year-old, I drank the breast milk. I know. Get the fuck out of my house. What's wrong with you? I would blame their parents.

I'd be like, how long did your parents breastfeed you? The nanny is, everybody feel free to play along at home, in your cars, at work. 58 years old. Oh, my God. Besser. In the first slot, too. You were so right. You were so right.

All right. Second segment down. We have one more story, and then I've got a special story that was, and the way it was delivered to me is interesting at the very end, which we will read. This is Dumb People Town. Matt Besser is with us. Dan Van Kirk will be right back. Stick around.

Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to Dumb People Town. I want to mention, we're going to be doing the live Dumb People Town at the Bell House in New York on February 25th. Get your tickets now. Let's sell it out. We got the girls from Guys We Fucked who are going to be on there. And I love those guys. They have a great following.

I'd love to sell that one out and then do another one after that would be fantastic. So those tickets are available right now at the Bell House site. And before that, the 16th and 17th of November, we're going to be at the Come and Take It Comedy Festival in Houston, Texas. Houston needs to laugh. Oh, my God, yes. And I tell people, if you're looking for a way to get back to that city, come into town and spend money there. Yeah, that's a great way to do it. All those people, like shift workers, waiters,

busboys, everybody who works in that type of industry lost all that money when they couldn't work. Do you have any live shows coming up? You're saying you're going to save Houston with this? With comedy. With our live podcast. We're also going to be selling breast milk. We're selling open breast milk. Open bottles of breast milk.

I'm going to be at Chicago Podcast Festival, Friday, breast milk open bottles of breast milk can help i'm gonna be at chicago podcast festival friday october 6th improv for humans for two shows of john gabrus and jess mckenna nice first of all if you're not listening to improv for humans you absolutely if you love this show you will love improv for humans it takes it like a few steps further and literally one of my favorite because you always have the best people on doing it, and you're literally watching it go on the highest level, or listening to it.

Yeah, it's kind of, what I love about it is that improv is a hard thing to do on television, I feel like, and a hard thing to do when it's recorded. I feel like it feels the best when it's live, but you guys have found a way to capture the magic and translate it through a podcast, which is incredible.

Thank you, sir. So check that out. All right, Dan, we got one more story. I would like to say, though, there's a lot of shootings in Chicago right now, a lot of people getting shot. If you want to find a way to keep people off the streets

from being shot, have them go to my podcast. More people in the theater, less people on the streets. By the way, there's a direct correlation. There's not even an indirect correlation. The more people that show their side. The Besser effect.

Guys, do not go for the great comedy that will be provided in the podcast. Just go simply for the cover. For the cover. This was sent in by Mark Miyoto at M-M-I-O-T-T-S. I also want to let everybody know. Did we test drive a Miyoto? Everything. We did.

I had a Mazda Miyoto. Okay. Everything that you guys send me, this is to the listeners, that's from World News Report, is fake. That's bullshit. That's bullshit. I have people being like, man gets head stuck in wife's vagina. Woman, dude is caught with 3,000 replica penises.

That's old, too. That's back to like 80s or something. Yeah, vagina woman that dude is caught with old that's back to like 80s that's an old everything that's that site is fake so i'm just saving everybody time fake news fake news uh how dare you i'm gonna read you the first words that the reporter said here and it is horrible news person speak their top song is enter sandman but at a recent concert it was more like enter policeman oh that is just the right terrible glendale arizona this guy he is born to be in dumb people town a man was arrested at a metallica concert in glendale after it's believed he urinated on a family, including peeing on a 10-year-old girl.

At a concert. That was just in front of him. I didn't know R. Kelly was a Metallica. Shame on you for bringing your 10-year-old to a Metallica concert. You should expect to get peed on. They wanted to have a family outing, and he was back there trying to show them Metallica can still fuck hard. This is not a family show. I can see that being a common thing people who are

just obliterated at a concert you're that obliterated drunk you don't know where the bathroom is haven't you seen that person in front of you yes i went to their friends are like i can't remember what show it was i was at one where the friends were so into the band and the songs they didn't want to take care of their friend who was in a like yeah carry this person out now alcohol poisoning state oh they're way beyond guzzling that happened hours ago yeah they're gonna puke on everybody but it's like these people do not want to miss anything so they're not going to take them out of there. By the way, part of me can't blame them, because how expensive was the concert? Yeah, that's true, too. You know if you take them to the bathroom, that you're now going to miss half of the show.

That's done. You have to pretend like it's not happening. That's fucking true. And if you don't really like that person... Just go over there, man. Go over there. Like, if they're the fifth wheel. Dude, go dance in the aisle.

I didn't want him coming anyway. Just piss on the 10-year-old. They don't even know, dude. The option. Come on, man. Just piss. Hey, hey. Hey, Brandon.

The only thing, I'm just going to pee on this girl. Yeah, go do it. Do it, do it. You guys have a good time. We're having a great special fucking time. Hey, seriously. You think we can see my dicks out right now? Dicks in life.

Dude, I love everything from the Reloaded. I still got some beer in there. All I want to hear is from the Reloaded album. Fuck the old stuff, man. Where's the old lady going? Memory remains, motherfuckers. Memory remains, motherfuckers. That's my daughter.

The guy who's only at a Metallica concert to hear the new stuff. I love the new stuff, man. How many of those? I want everything post-haircuts, motherfuckers. Hey, can I get some of that? No. You can't get any of this. Just piss right there.

What, to me? Wait, was it the whole family, did you say? Yeah, so the whole family is at a Metallica. Doesn't someone notice? How does it reach the whole family? you say yes the whole family is doesn't someone notice how's it reach the whole family doesn't one person get the pee you're looking forward with your family and all of a sudden isn't it great that we took our daughter to i'm assuming do not turn around we're punny we are being peed on right now that's true too you don't want to turn around and get that stream in your face just let him finish go back and let him finish you turn around the guy piss and he's like,

it's on you now. That's on you. You turn around. Literally on you. I didn't want to piss in your daughter's mouth. I just wanted to piss in her hair. Or the back of her jacket. That's metal as fuck though, ain't it? Welcome to your first con. She's been telling this story for years.

According to court paperwork, a family was at the University of Phoenix on Friday, August 4th, attending a Metallica concert. Isn't that a made-up online university? How are you there? They're online concerts. Online concerts. You show up to this abstract place in the universe.

Where are we? You log in and then you can watch them. Don't the Cardinals play at University of Phoenix Stadium? Maybe they just have a stadium but no other physical buildings for their education. That's it. It's just the stadium. Just the sports stadium.

You've got a football team and then everything else is done online. The family was attending the Metallica concert when they, quote, felt warm liquid washing over their backs and legs. I could not. I cannot. I'm going to ask you guys.

It'd be the worst thing ever. I've been puked on. I've been puked on by someone going to a party in college, a date party. I was with a date, and someone leaned over and puked on both of us. I've puked on people. Warm liquid. You've puked on. You've been that guy.

Not at a concert. How do you get more than one of them like isn't the first person like whoa whoa but no he's like lining it up honey honey don't say honey don't turn around a man his wife and their 10 year old daughter were seated in front of this guy couldn't have a more better name to be at a metallica concert and peeing on people. Daniel Daddio. D-A-D-D-I-O. Oh, Daddio. That's what he sings to himself when he's peeing.

By the way, if you... That's how you get your dick ripped off, man. Well, he picked the right people to pee on. A family. Yeah, because you pee on another guy, it is like it's go time.

Fight time. Like you pick... Fight night at the Apollo. Yeah, a guy at a Metallica concert, just a couple of dudes, you will get your head ripped off. Can we switch spots? Because if I pee where I am, I'm going to pee on this dude by himself. I've got my ass kicking.

You've got a family in front of you. Yeah, but it's good. Can we just switch spots? Let's switch spots real quick. Some in LSU, Death Valley. This is when they're number one. Darren McFadden days when he was at Arkansas. I went down there for the game

lsu is number fucking one that year uh everyone i'll do the short version of this but everyone around us is being very patronizing when we sit in our seats are you wearing arkansas gear yeah yeah yeah oh my which is also maybe a mistake yes death valley Death Valley. And they're like, oh, y'all Arkansas fans. Oh, well, okay. Well, Houston's doing all right. Houston Nuts doing all right this year. But, oh, maybe you guys will score against us. Who knows?

Like, being real polite. Like, oh, this high school team's taking on our pro team. So, we won that game. Oh, shit. We upset number one LSU. It was us being ahead by like a touchdown the whole game pretty much. Yeah. And me on the edge of my seat just like, okay, I can't yell and go crazy.

But I want to because holy shit, I can't believe this is happening. Towards the fourth quarter when we either went up or we went up by two or something where it was like okay we're gonna win i started getting louder and louder and then we scored a touchdown i think we must have gone ahead because i i jumped up and i went fuck yeah i went yeah like way louder than i had the whole time danielle had just bought a thing of nachos, melted cheese nachos. I knocked over the whole thing on all these LSU fans in front of me

when I stood up. So I went, yeah! Knocked it. Knocked nacho cheese on the backs of all these LSU fans as they know they're going to lose.

Oh, God. You added it. They all turned around and looked at me and I was like, oh my God, what's going to happen here? I'm going to die around and looked at me and i was like oh my god what's gonna happen i'm gonna die but they were cool they're like that's all right wow you know that by the way that is the knack is padded it off by the way just you padding the slow sound of you

padding i just want the image of you knocking the cheese all over them, and then you look at your wife like you're Gandalf, and you just go, run, you fools. You're holding off against this demon that's about to erupt, and you're just like, run. Yeah. Oh, my God. So did the family fight back? No, this is the best part of the whole story.

The man turned around. This is the dad. Saw Daddy-O behind him holding on to his genitals. He confronted Daddy-O asking why he had peed on his daughter. And he said Daddy-O's response was to only shrug. Dude. Must be a big guy. USA.

Yes. The man. We're all picturing a guy guy looks like a Hell's Angel by yeah yeah I'm just a guy who freaked out Mick Jagger on stage during Helter Skelter like right at the other

guy was getting Helter Skelter during Sympathy for the Sympathy for the Devil sorry but that but what was the what was the album I mean what was the the movie oh

Ultima Ultima it was uh give me shelter give me shelter sorry do you guys want to see what daddy-o looks like yeah i don't know if you're gonna be let down so he was arrested yes he looks pretty clean oh my god he looks like he looks a little psycho but he doesn't he looks like a guy who got hit too many times in uh playing in high school he looks like a guy who got his life together and for this night at the metallica concert he was 26 again that's true too that's probably a better bet those are the people who lose control of people who don't get drunk 26 years of sobriety hold this coin i'm

about to piss on this family especially when you see that band that you haven't ever seen you never thought you're gonna get a chance i'm cutting loose then you see him they're playing all the hits you're so fucking happy and then you're just like get arrested dick out and let it fly did he get arrested yes good he after shrugging the man reported the incident this is the dad reported the incident to employees at the stadium who reported it to the arizona department of public safety by the way everybody moved really fast on this yes daddy was placed under arrest and authorities said the man was heavily intoxicated at the time no real shit officials found a ticket on daddy confirming he was seated directly behind the family of three they did a whole case yeah by

the way this is more investigation than i think and i'd get him out of there quick because he broke the seal like it could happen again in like five minutes and some and uh at his sentencing the judge was at a loss she said i have to say in the 15 years i've been on the bench this is one of the most disgusting scenarios i've ever read so queue up our annual place where someone says i've never seen anything like this before yep uh uh she goes uh i don't know if you were just completely uh i don't want to use the word. I'll say drunk. What was the word she was going to say? Yeah.

Fucking hammered. Yeah. Sauced. I hate sauce. I'm not going to use that word. I hate. I don't even know. Derogatory.

He was piss drunk. Right. Yeah. He was literally piss drunk. Now you guys are going to be an advantage. I forgot I wanted to do this with you. Oh, age. How old?

I think that picture is misleading. This is going to be fun because, yes, it could be very misleading, and also it may make you guys be very close, like a close grouping, and we'll see if anybody gets in. Look, I'm not for capital punishment, but I think this guy should die. Like, I'm all for this.

I was going to ask you guys, would you have punched him in the dick? Oh, I would have pushed the guy. You would have? Absolutely. I think I would have, because he's also above you. Yeah, he's above me. A little bit. I oh i would have pushed the guy you would have absolutely i think i would have because he's also above you yeah he's above a little bit i think i would have thrown whatever i had on his dick i would like i probably would have had a coke at least i think i would it wouldn't have been a thought out thing i would have moved my family aside grabbed his shirt and tried to pull him down like over the rows now see if we can throw him down. I have had an altercation at a sporting event where a person physically, like...

Came after you. Yes, pushed at me. And so, I think I would do the same thing I did there, which is the most embarrassing thing you can do to a person. Which is? I double hooked that person's arms and walked them up to security and out of the arena. So, everyone watched... You got to be stronger than them. Yeah, you really.

But yeah, you're right. I was fortunate in that scenario. But everyone just watched this guy. Like I took over. I was like, you're done. You're leaving now. And I walked them up to security and then they took over. That's a good one.

Arkansas Aggie game. I may have told this on your story, but we got beat by fucking Johnny Manziel. I'm leaving the game in the final seconds as it's counting down. I love how many games you beat. And people are doing money fingers at me. Remember the Manziel money fingers? Yeah, when Manziel did money fingers.

And some dude shoves me as I'm walking past him and I fall into the people in front of us. Oh, jeez. I get into the row. I turn around. I'm like, what the fuck was that? And he goes, I into the row i turn around i'm like what the fuck was that and he goes i was doing the heisman he was doing the heisman to me that's how he pushed me and i and then i took what i had which i believe was a coke and i threw it at these guys

no way started yelling each other i was screaming an Aggie joke at him. This was in the Razorback save. So another Razorback older guy came down and broke us up and was like to me like, Calm down. This isn't the place. All right, Phil. Okay. This isn't the public forum for you to be doing this. I love that you went into it.

I got into it. Good on you. How old is Daniel Daddio? How old is he? Where do you want to go, Besser? You're successful. I'm going to go with my theorem

that he liked him back in the day. Yeah. And he's really happy about this. I'm going to say he's a little close to our age.

I'm going to say he's 45. Yeah. Okay. I'm going to say he's 47. 47 from Randy. Jason's 50. All right. He's 45. Yeah. Okay. I'm going to say he's 47. 47 from Randy. 50.

Jason's 50. All right. He's 50. Daniel Daddio. Because Metallica's been around for about 22, 23. No. They've been around since like 85. 85?

Yeah, like 32. Wow. All right. So they've been around for a long time. Okay. All right. Daniel Daddio is 44 years old. Oh, my Lord.

Besser. I thought you were going to hit it on the head. Killing it. I had a feeling. Killing it. Looks older than me. I know, my dumb people. All right.

So our last segment comes from, I'm literally holding, I pulled it out of my wallet. I'm showing it to you guys. You're doing it. Yeah. I'm just peeing all over brandon our sound guy uh no uh and an actual article we get articles sent to us via the intranet we do this is from our buddy dominic del bene his father who's a great dude who cut this article out gave it to him and the last time i saw him he's like you gotta do this on the show burglary burglary suspect doesn't flush

toilet leaves dna you gotta cover your tracks but who has the time to take a dump during a burglary Burglary suspect doesn't flush toilet, leaves DNA. You got to cover your tracks. But who has the time to take a dump during a burglary? A man suspected of burglarizing a Southern California home took a bathroom break and left DNA evidence in the toilet that led to his arrest in investigators. To be fair, one, what if he cleaned all the doorknobs off? That's true. Two, what if he was on the doorknobs off? That's true. Two, what if he was on the phone with someone while taking that dump and then was like, I'll flush after. By the way, I have a low flow toilet up in our upstairs bathroom in our house and sometimes it doesn't flush everything down.

So maybe he tried it. Fucking low flow. Low flow. The suspect did his business and didn't flush it, quote, during anober break-in in the city of thousand oaks said detective tim loman of the ventura county sheriff's office that allowed investigators to collect evidence and to conduct a dna profile what cop did they make do that yeah they're like who's up jerry get in there jerry come on put the gloves on get in there also i like what jay said like that's you shouldn't you never want someone robbing you to think they have that much time.

Well, the beauty is, and this is what's great, is that this guy was in the database. So it matched another profile in the national database, and detectives tracked down the suspect at his home. Andrew David Jensen was arrested July 26th on suspicion of first-degree residential burglary, a felony his bail was set at. Coming to you with an overview to find out how much damage did they do. Take a guess. All right. For the non-flusher.

For robbery, his bail was set at set what is his bail set at dan five thousand dollars jason twenty five thousand dollars matt i don't know the bails like you guys do but uh i'm gonna say very arbitrary it's his for it's a second offense at least that's a good call yeah he's in the fucking system uh i'm gonna just go higher so 30 000 his bail was set at 180 000 yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah best you won three of moral of that story flush and go that must be like a heroin shit or something like how do you like aren't you a little nervous and it's like when remember when rodman went to north korea and like just shit in the hallway of the hotel well i don't remember that was that in the documentary no it should be but my question is like what was in that

shit like what was that like cracker jacks and like you know fruit loops and like cocaine it's like i don't even know what else did this dude break in and was like fuck I should have gone before I left my house. Like as soon as he got in there? That's what I mean by it has to be a drug addict. It has to be on a different plane of existence. It's gotta be like. Cause if you wake up and you're like I'm robbing someone today. The first thing you do is have a

cup of coffee and take your shit. That's right. Get it out of the way. Get out of the way. You gotta have a routine. If you're gonna be a burglar that's not gonna get caught you gotta have a routine. If you're going to be a burglar that's not going to get caught, you got to have a routine. I love it. $180,000. That's the way it goes. There we go.

That's a show, guys. That's a show. I love it. Matt Besser, thank you. Again, Stitcher Premium, stolen idea. I want you to do the thing where someone steals the idea from you. Yeah, that's a good idea. There's any listeners that are famous musicians.

Can you get Lin-Manuel? Miranda. Miranda famous musicians can you get this lynn manuel miranda miranda to say that you stole this idea from him that would be good you guys know him i don't i would reach out for to him for you okay i know he's friends with the like david wayne and those guys let's make it fucking happen let's do it i've dissed his show a thousand times though sorry it's not gonna happen not gonna happen And it probably won't. Alexander, have I had. Alright, guys, that's it. And like we say, you know, this whole show to us always feels like in

a writer's room before you actually get down to work. When I was like, hey, have you seen this story? Have you seen this video? And it's just us riffing around. So we say ceremonially at the end of every single one of these shows, holy shit, we've got to get back to work.