Dumb People Town - Matt Braunger - Fast Food Moriarty

Episode Date: July 23, 2024

Comedian Matt Braunger (Tour) stops by as Daniel explains why a flight was turned around after a flight attendant was called a waiter, Jason describes a Utah man that accidentally received a delivery driver's urine, and Randy warns against asking to marry a woman who promptly steals your car, and so much more! Thanks to our sponsor: Chewy! Chewy has everything you need to keep your pet happy and healthy. And right now you can save $20 on your first order and get free shipping by going to Chewy.com/DPT.   

Thank you. Don't listen to our podcast With co-host Armand Dan Don't be a jerk Spread the music Wish the funny hits We are gonna take you down Stick around Make a sound Punk or Downey's

Dump People Town Hey, Townies. We got something special to announce, Daniel. Oh, I would agree. What are you doing on August 9th? Because we're doing

a live Dump People Town in Brooklyn, New York at the Bell House Theater. We've sold this place out before. We're coming back and hoping to do the same thing again. So get your tickets now. Boys, we've got great guests for this show. And we have another one that we're going to announce soon. So you probably want to get them before everybody else is on this tip.

Chloe Trost from SNL. She's amazing. We got to hang with her at Moon Tower. And she is energy incredible. She's so much fun. Musical guest. Ted Leo. Oh, Ted Leo. And he's also hilarious, so he's going to chime in on the jokes part, too.

It's so much fun. A live Dumb People Town is a religious experience. We love our audience in New York. You guys always come out. Make a little room on your wall. We got an original poster for this show. You can pick one of those, say hi to us, hang a little after the show,

pick up one of those posters. It's August in New York. Let's have a good time. Yeah, August 9th. We'll see you at the Bell House. Hey, guys, if you're a pet parent like me, you know about Chewy. I love these guys. And when they say they have everything you need to keep your pet happy and healthy, they are not messing around, Jay.

Chewy has everything you need to keep your pet happy and healthy, as Randy said. And right now you can save $20 on your first order and get free shipping by going to Chewy.com slash DPT. That's Chewy.com slash DPT to save $20 on your first order with free shipping. Chewy.com slash DPT. Minimum purchase required. New customers only. Terms and conditions apply. See site for complete details.

Hey, townies. Welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population, you. Population, Bronger. Hey. Matthew Bronger. If he knows the intro and he's saying it along, he's got to be a family man. He's part of this goddamn family.

I'm a fan, too. You're a goddamn family man. So fun. This show is uniquely designed for the talents of Matt Bronger. No one breaks down the world of dumb. I mean, is it? If you need... You don't say this, but in my mind,

I picture you on stage rhetorically saying about a bit you just acted out. Why would you do that? Well, why would you do that? I was remembering the last time I was on where that person, I think they went out in the parking lot of a wedding, where it's like, I am no stranger to alcohol.

As many people know. I'm a fan, but it's kind of like, you know, I kind of came up. You literally worked at a place called Rock Bottom. Yes, I did. You are very familiar. And I was in Chicago at the time. There was a bar there called Tooman's Alcohol Abuse Center. That was literally the bar.

That's the name of the bar? It was in Bucktown. And, you know, you'll come to some bars. I've never heard of this bar. And it's like, you know, hangovers provided and medicated to or whatever. Like, that's a ha-ha, wink-wink, nudge. This thing was like, we will murder your liver. Like this thing where it's like, what is this?

And like when you're 22, you're like, yeah. And I think I went there once. It was like, it's just too on the nose. I didn't mean to ask you guys this. You're perfect that you're here. Have you guys heard of this bar? I just found out about it. It was like, it's just two on the nose. I didn't mean to ask you guys this. You're perfect that you're here. Have you guys heard of this bar? I just found out about it. In Chicago?

I think it's called Ciri's. Okay. So it's a- S-I-R-I. It's a board of trade bar. So board of trade bars, some of them will open at 6 a.m. Ciri, make me a bad decision tonight. Way older.

We'll open at like 6 a.m. And sometimes they'll close at 2 p.m they're just board of trade bars great so this is a board of trade bar but i think they stay open later but they open at like six you order let's say for some reason you liked this you ordered a vodka diet okay you get poured a rock like a rocks glass with ice filled with vodka and then you get a can of diet and you pour a little in you come up with the concoction you make your own rules it's literally just no holds barred what do you want a malort and diet take the bottle bring it back when you're done the newest thing in the midwest and this might just be like a clickbait kind of thing that I saw,

is Malort with a cicada in it. Have you talked about this? Yeah, we haven't talked about it. It's a cicada-infused cicada. Malort. What? There's a bar in the— I would do a dead cicada in the Malort.

Right, a dead cicada. Swallow it down like the worm in the bad tequila. My thing is, you won't notice. Yeah, right. Nothing's changed the profile. And you know that will dissolve right well malort kills all germs as it goes in so it's how they made it through prohibition they were considered a medicinal medicinal uh drink so i do think that that

probably just happened by accident they're like now we got to do this like a cicada got it right now for some people yeah and i hate to be that person who's like, gay marriage? Where does it end? Does a man marry a goat? Like, it feels like this dumb logic of like, Malort is already the worst thing for you, and it tastes terrible. Now there's a bug in it. What's next?

Do people start licking lead off the walls of old apartment buildings? What have we done? That, by the way, is... Licking lead off the apartment building is another bar in Chicago. There is a lot of dog poop outside of this bar. Hold on. Hold on. We can make something.

Grab that sifter of Malort. We're going to find out who really loves the Midwest. Eat some dog shit. Did I say sifter of the Midwest? I love it. I feel like we're sufficiently primed now to get into some dumb stories. Daniel, I know you have one. And then we'll talk about how you can support.

I mean, we'll get into all... He's got an East Coast tour this July that we're going to try and help him sell out on this podcast. We're going to do it. Here we go. Sent in by Brew Pounder at Brew Pounder. Perfect for what we're talking about. Thanks, buddy. This is my favorite character from The Shield.

CCH Brew Pounder. God damn it! Okay. That's my CCH. CCH Pounder. Solid. god damn it okay that's my cch solid solid okay thanks god damn it mackie okay uh this is like uh comic uh stand-up comic kindling this story okay like if we if we were in the green room of any place we wouldn't even need mics plus it's also dumb people sound great american airlines flight turns around after passenger calls attendant waiter what that means he's drunk there is so much more to it than yes that is not where it starts if it was a lot of snapping the most sensitive airline of all time waiter oh shit i'm sorry right sir i am so i will turn this plane around we have just been informed

someone called the flight attendant waiter we are going to have to land emergency so you know there was a lot of snapping the mental erection that any of us any comic would have if someone they hear someone calling an attendant waiter like you'd be like okay it's on here we go here we go by the way my notebook out by the way to be fair it's okay here we go yeah i i love my flight attendants i love what they do but their main job on most flights is to be a waiter and like that is it is an aspect it is a major aspect of what they do in terms of interacting interacting with you back when i worked at rock bottom yeah my then girlfriend uh you're talking about the bar you're talking about the bar right yes the bar okay my rock bottom bitch sorry uh

no uh terrible uh my girlfriend at the time she was a cocktail i was a waiter and she hated the term server hated it she's like i'm a waitress you're a waiter. And she hated the term server. Hated it. She's like, I'm a waitress. You're a waiter. Stop. Yeah. Don't upgrade it. And it's not as if she wasn't in favor of women's rights or a feminist. It was just like she just hated the term.

I get that. So it's the thing where someone waiter doesn't sound. It's not like the guy was like, oh, boy. Yeah. To like a grown man or something. Yeah. Oh, bitch boy. Yeah.

Right. Fetch me a Sprite. No one's saying that. Later. Garcon is even nice. Dan, I think this speaks to the idea that right now, people don't want to be misidentified in any way, shape, or form. They're like, don't.

Hit my correct pronouns. Call me what my job is. Daniel, what is the more? We'll do it. We'll do it. We'll do it. You do have to think about it. And I've thought about this more recently because I fly Southwest.

Sure. And there are times where I'm on a 5 a.m. flight and this fucker's got bits. Bits. Straight up gag. Dan, have you been on one of their flights where there's turbulence and they throw packs of peanuts down the aisle?

No, they do that? Dan, have you been on one of those? Well, the peanuts are gone. The throwing is gone. Okay. Okay. I had one that was wild. Wild story of people.

It was insane. And then I got handed an entire bag of peanuts back in the day. You mean the entire plastic bag with all the peanuts in it? These two people tried to sit in the exit row. They weren't allowed to sit in the exit row because they pre-boarded. We can go deep into what we all know about the airline process. You have to give a vocal affirmative. So then they pre-boarded so they can't sit there.

So then they tried to lie. So they forced to move. And then they said, well, we have a peanut allergy. And then this guy with a ponytail gets on the mic. He kind of looked like a Fraggle Rock character. Gets on the mic? Yeah, the PA thing. And he's like, well, there's no peanuts on this flight because some people claim to have an allergy.

And I was like, I don't think you can do that. Wait, hold on. Did the flight attendant have the ponytail? Yes. Oh, I thought. It was just a martial arts thing. He just grabbed it. You know, I got to talk to you.

You know, sometimes. I got to get this off my chest. What I was going to say, they're jokes. Things like if you cannot do the function or not willing to do the function or just don't give a function, that's one of their most popular. Give a function. That's an exit rule. Or how about this one, Dan?

Did somebody drop this and everyone looks up and they're like, now that I have your attention. I hate that. I yell out, don't do it, don't look. Don't look. And I do it very Midwestern. I'm like, don't do it. Don't even look.

Don't fall for us. There's no thing. They don't have anybody's underwear. It's a lie. You have that ability to morph into your father. Like if I knew him. Stephen Avery saw it. Audibly.

Don't even look up there. Don't look. It's a lie. It's a trick. War of thought. Every guy at a flea market in Wisconsin. But what someone told me you're saying like oh you're so right is we especially for how much we do it we only have

our experience of flying you're all for as much as it's a communal thing you're very much in your own world yeah there are some people so riddled with anxiety getting onto a flight yeah the goofiness and the joking around really makes those people in some ways feel like oh this is nothing serious it does relax help those it does so like we have to just yes you my thing with flight attendants is at the same time that they have to be a waiter like they also are like mc 80 90 percent of the only people who are trained to save everybody on this flight. Oh, yeah. And then they're also first responders and they're bouncers.

Yes. And then they're also dealing with the person who boarded last and doesn't want this seat. Marriage counselors. It's such an insane. When you really think about it. Think about it. I think to your point, like from the perspective of a comedian, it definitely is crowd control. Yes.

It's definitely you can't get up there and look like you're nervous as hell. You gotta look like you're having fun, or you don't care, or whatever works if people collectively like, this is the guy we're listening to. We're listening to him or her. Him or her.

We're listening to them, but this person is also managing where they sit, managing their anxiety. Someone pops off, and you're like, yeah, security. I think this guy needs a cup of coffee, and they throw, managing their anxiety. Someone pops off and you're like, yeah, security. I think this guy needs a cup of coffee and they throw him out. Right. And at least when we're on stage, it's safe to assume everybody's been drinking.

Sure. But as a flight attendant, it's a little game of whack-a-mole. Right. Because you don't know who, like, oh, you're drunk. It's none or too much. Right. There's not a lot of moderate. I see people drinking in the lounge before they get on a flight,

and I'll watch someone put like three drinks away. And that's an anxiety flight. I actually, I heard, I saw a TikTok where a guy explained why people drink. He's like, name one other scenario where I get to drink as much as I want, and then I get to get into a vehicle that I'm not operating.

Sure. Pull my hood over my head, put my, you know, sunglasses on, earphones on, and have nobody bother me. Name one other place. And I'm like, well, you're a sleepy drunk, so that works for you. But if you start getting belligerent and saying, hey, waiter!

Well, and he still, for some reason, has that belief, that myth. I love wonderful lies. Like one of them is that trail mix is good for you. Like I'll never let go of that. Too many chocolate chips. Trail is in the name. I'm hiking.

I'm hiking while I'm eating. Well, you're usually not. But, you know, is alcohol makes you sleep? Well, it does not. It does not. It makes you sleep like shit. That's right. You feel like death the next day.

You're like jumpy. A hundred percent. Yeah, and the way you take an afternoon nap because your body's like, now it's out of your system. I need a i need a nap from now you can really have you know deep REM also the amount of times that we're flying and i'm like i gotta go i can't have a drink i need to go i'm basically going straight to the show oh i don't want to feel like out of it or drunk so you heard it's a vacation man's game i drinking is a vacation even though it's probably a chronic alcoholic, I do love to walk by a restaurant at 6, 7 a.m. and see someone with a real drink.

Yes. A brown cocktail at 6 a.m. Like, wow. Not a beer. Look at you. Nope. Not a beer. Nope.

No. Whiskey. No. Yeah, this is bourbon. Not a mimosa. Not a mimosa. No. Not a Bloody Mary either.

We're talking about mimosas. All right, we're't even started this. According to WECB, American Airlines flight 2557 turned around while flying because of a passenger called a steward waiter. This comes from local12.com. I don't know where that is. Per the outlet, the flight took off from New York on July 18th with a desk. It took off?

They were in the air? That's why I was tripping. Wow. They're not just taxing around to come back and let this person off that's why i said it's gotta be more than wait if i if i was on this flight and trying to get home to see my family who's like for whatever reason mad that i've been gone anyway yeah and i'm just trying to get home at a certain time if i have to turn around because somebody called because someone couldn't handle being called a waiter i would go apeshit i love that jay's mad at the i am the airway i'm like well let's fuck up what happened according to the new york post love it the passenger who had was actively masturbating oh it's just something it is the post it is the post sorry three strokes and you're out. Near post.

The passenger who had been flying business class asked an attendant to help him put his luggage in an overhead bin because he had recently underwent surgery on his spine. Per the publication, the attendant allegedly replied, no, I don't do that. I don't get paid that kind of money. But if you don't like it, there's always another airline. Now, let's assume let's hold on for the sake of the story that that's true that is this this guy's account if if i'm the new york post uh the flight attendant had a bad altitude yeah that's pretty good what i have gotten in arguments with flight attendants it's bound to happen the passengers

the passengers said bag it there's always a point at which you realize stow it they never have to lose this argument right because at any point they can go i feel like you're being threatening yeah and this argument's over it's over it's over so there is a point and i've had some pretty like where i was like oh and i'm talking about male and female i'm like you're a bitch oh like like you're being you're in the wrong job like when you see a teacher that's overwhelmed with their students early in the process you're like you're in the wrong job this is not a good yeah this world is a world of chaos this world is a world that if you had better coping skills then you could be in this but you

should go do something else where you're not doing this if you don't like dealing with people some people who are persnickety some people who are annoying some people who are gonna lie about being able to lift up a thing like then you're in the wrong biz is this just question for real is the flight attendant just worried about his or her his back well i think and i'm i think how did the person ask that's a because in my mind i was like what would gonna help me with this what would right or snaps points points up put this while they're on the phone yeah yeah i just yeah i just had back surgery yeah i which i don't even believe that he just had smug. I don't believe that. Who's that much of an a-hole? Because they all help.

They all help with the bags. Also, everyone around you will help you. Small people. Yes. Always. If I'm standing there and I see someone struggling with a bag, I'm like, I got you. How about before they touch it? Like if it's a tiny woman, there's a bag as big as her.

I'm like, hey, can I just put that up for you? This is my favorite. The only place in real life Jedi work is happening is every time someone's struggling with a bad bag and people who have not gotten up are just sort of doing this and they can't reach it and they're not a part of it, but they're sort of like helping. Yeah. These aren't the douchebags i might be wrong

townies let me know in the comments uh but i believe there is a policy that the stewards can't yes they are not required or no that that means you're supposed to check it if you can't lift it yourself but you are if you get help from somebody else that yeah not was it was it a bag that looked far too big that's another question okay yeah yeah no i don't do that i don't get paid that kind of money but if you don't like it there's always another airline now i will say as i said if we go off the fact that that was said yeah right i don't know i'm not saying i'm gonna go waiter but you will get something back oh yeah sass sass is coming from oh yeah right oh like i would be like well how

much do i need to chip in what would be help me? What would be the amount of money? Yes. I'd be like, what's your Venmo? And lift it up, bitch. And I would say, bitch. Another flight attendant eventually helped the passenger identified as...

But that's not his job. Joel Gasham. Oh, God. I think. When the beverage... You have no idea how that's spelled and why you would think

you can't say that correctly, but I have no idea if that's the right pronunciation. When the beverage service began, the attendant, you have no idea how that's spelled and why you would think you can't say that correctly, but I have no idea if that's the right pronunciation. When the beverage service began, the attendant who had allegedly, oh, Joel Gasham's the spying person. When the beverage service began, the attendant who had allegedly refused to help Joel because of their wages asked Joel if he'd like something to drink. That sucks because now you've got to serve this person. Gasham told Straboek News. We're all over the place.

I didn't respond because I didn't want to cause a scene. That part, I will say, is a lie. Yeah, I know. Because the kids is where you're trying to make yourself seem good. And that's causing a scene. Do you want something to drink? That's the wrong question. And the person next to him is like

Can I have a Diet Coke? No no I'm dealing with him first I'm going to assume by your silence That you don't want a drink But it's a moment everyone hears You know what I mean? The silence is deafening Back to the collective

Of the plane versus a comedy club The silence is almost equal Unless Back to the collective of the plane versus a comedy club. Yeah. The silence is almost equal. It is. Unless you're waiting for a joke. If you're waiting for a joke, that's great silence. Sure. After a joke, huggish.

It feels like the joke ate it. Yes. Or something incredibly awkward just happened. So if you were sitting next to it. It'd be like in the silence, you just hear someone be like, Greg, put your penis away. Have you heard that in the silence of a plane? You'd be like, what's going on? No, but if you were sitting next to that person, you'd be like, they're asking if you want to drink.

They're asking if you want to drink. Hey, did you hear that? He wants to know if you want to drink. And this guy's just staring straight ahead. I will have a ginger ale. Or he's saying, I'm not causing a scene. Everybody knows, the move if you don't want to drink, no one can hear you over the sound of the plane. You just go.

Yeah, yeah. Thumbs up. Thumbs up. Thanks. Thank you. Okay. uh everybody knows the move if you don't want to drink no one can hear you over the sound of the plane just go yeah yeah thumbs up thanks thank you okay that was for only our watchers okay so he says i don't want to cause a scene the attendant asked again and uh and joel said that he replied no thank you waiter oh god which i entombed a little bit flatly you'd say no thank you waiter i'm assuming he said no thank you waiter waiter and that feels like a strong fuck you per the post the attendant told joel that he was not a waiter adding that he had the power to turn the plane around oh this to wit to wit i said that joel told the attendant you must be god so you do it dude don't dare him. Why? By the way, nothing I have heard so far merits turning the plane around. Right.

And also, when the flight attendant says, I can turn the plane around, they're not lying. But what they tell the pilot in order to turn the plane around is different than they are lying. Then they are literally lying. I'm just saying, they have the means to make it happen. No, no, they're going to have to lie to the pilot in order to get it. Yes. Yes. I feel like he looked at a grizzled old cowboy that just got off his horse and spit in his face.

Like as the guy put his, it's like if a samurai puts their hand on the sword, they're not going to be like, who you knew? Yeah. You know? If someone. And the samurai's like, I promised I'd never kill again. But you've put them. I have no choice.

I have to think that this person didn't believe that they would do it. Of course not. But if it were me and I felt the tension, I'd be like, well, don't do that. I just imagine someone in the city they're going to waiting for their connection. Dude. If I missed a connection because of this, I would...

I promise you right now yes I would get that person's name and I'd be like you were I will know the flight attendant I'd be like I'm gonna get you fired today yeah like you're going to get fired got a plane turned around good luck crazy no no I would I would go crazy that that like

okay the flight attendant lifted the hammer of Thor and threw it right but it's like even though yeah okay this person was full on, I'm sure. You can't have thin skin. You cannot have thin skin. You can't do that to people, man. This is like the millionaire matchmaker woman. You ever see that show?

You guys love this analogy. They love this analogy so much. Yeah, from years ago. But she would be. My wife had those same bangs. I had those same bangs. So did I. So did my daughter. We did. 100 years ago. 20 years ago. My wife had those same bangs. I had those same bangs. So did I. So did my daughter.

We did. 100 years ago. 20 years ago. She would be in a casting session looking at a bunch of women to match up. She'd be like, you got a horse face. You're dumb. You look ugly. Your legs are too long.

Why are you so fat? And then one person would be like, well, you're not married. And she'd be like, I... Like crumble. Crumble. Sure. I have been working on myself it's like you can't have thin skin you can't call her horse face and then one person says something

that's true you gotta laugh and you break down yeah no thin skin bitch no yeah i feel like that guy in that angry i'm angry i get so mad i'm like you can't turn this i'm so mad for every innocent collateral damage bystander not justice so i think if they're if i did it for some reason it got to a point where they're like you know i could turn this plane around i'd be like i don't want that and neither does anybody else have a good day right or or that'd be a horrible thing to do i hope that doesn't make you feel better no one like i would say something a little needily say what's your first and last name joel said you must be god so you do it which also joel doesn't make you feel better. No one. I would say something a little needily. I would say what's your first and last name? But instead, Joel said, you must be God, so you do it. Which also, Joel doesn't understand how planes work.

God has nothing to do with it. No. Right. Yes. God has nothing to do with it. According to the publication, the pilot announced moments later that the flight would be returning to JFK Airport after how many hours in the air? Hours?

No. Daniel. Yes. I'm going to go minimum. It's hours. I'm going to say two. Please no more than two. Three hours.

Two from Matt. I'll say one and a half. One and a half. Which is technically an S. Okay. One of you is exactly. I think it's two. I'm going to stay with one and a half.

Okay. The pilot announced moments later that he would be returning to JFK Airport after two hours. Oh, my God. Two hours in the air. That's boarding, taxi. So that's three hours on the plane. Hey, everybody, we are next in line. Two more flights to take off.

You went through that thing, especially at JFK. You went through the waiting line. Oh, my God. Two hours in the air to go back. And then can't you make an emergency landing? I guess better service should have been given that way. I promise you I would sue the airlines, and I would sue this flight attendant. According to WECB, Joel was removed from the plane at JFK and questioned by a TSA agent before he was allowed to leave.

Allowed to leave. Which also proves, if you're turning around, we are arresting this person. They better take him off in cuffs. That's right. I want an air marshal to pistol whip him. You mean a couple of shots in on his face? I would be suing this flight attendant. It's crazy.

American Airlines emailed the post and initially described Joel as a disruptive passenger who forced the pilot to turn the plane around. Safety and security are our top priorities, and we thank our customers for their understanding, yada, yada, yada, professionals that manage our situation. There is no understanding on my part. As an innocent bystander, I would sue everybody. Joel denied being a disruption, however. I want everybody who's a townie who's been with us.

None of us are saying Joel's not a complete asshole. He's an asshole. Fuck Joel. He's terrible. I don't want to sit next to joel i will be looking at joel being like joel you kind of yeah you did this joel can you shut up and just take your drink there he said quote there was not a disruption i never got up there was not an argument there was not a confrontation nobody touched each other everything he's saying by the way would be true this is the person you know like when someone does something wrong randy moss that doesn't randy moth randy moss is like i just stepped on his neck twice and that

was it you wait what i didn't not three times randy no one said three times all i did i stepped on his neck twice and then i moved on there was not an argument now i'm gonna assume because because we've spoken to or like got sources three different news. Why do they interview other passengers on the plane? That's what I'm saying. I think if there was. I want a totally objective bystander. 100%. This is a case where I think absence of evidence proves truth.

100%. Because we've gone from the Post. We've gone to two other different news sources. You would have accounts of other people saying this guy's lying. He threatened. Nobody's saying that. would the community like it would be included with the comedian you after he gets taken off the plane uh just as soon as he's being taken on a plane get the flight did it be like wait or i'll have what he's having what i love okay that's our brown liquor guy

who thinks this whole thing is hysterical hysterical the plane turned around people are losing their shit what what I would excuse me first class

all but pounding on the cockpit door like fucking terrorists no I got you no no I am going to miss or my connection to Aruba or and then but that guy one guy a Keening laughing whale loving it because he has that loving yes that line locked and fucking They land people are shitting their pants. They've been given free drinks. Yes They land, people are shitting their pants. They've been given free drinks. Yes.

Doubles. Everyone's getting doubles. Not enough. Because they turned around, and their day and their connection are fucked. They land, they pull that guy off. Waiter! That guy's had this loaded. I'll have what he needs. And best restaurant I've ever been to.

And is punched, but goes down laughing. Or Matt, brown liquor guy who missed the flight and two hours later sees that son of a bitch coming back and he's been sitting at the gate. They're coming back. This is the greatest day of my life. I'd tell you it'd work out. I'd tell you it'd be fine.

The bartender's like, holy shit. The best would be he gets on Daniel and he sits down in the guy's seat and literally is like, waiter. And it kills. Freeze frame. And it kills. Everybody laughs.

Everybody laughs. Or brown drink guy who missed the flight and can't believe flight comes back and now he gets to make the flight. He also goes up to the gate agent and goes, how long do I have here before I go back to the bar? Misses his flight again. Because they're like, you got like 10, 15 minutes. Perfect. I'll be right back. Taking a double.

Johnny Black. I'll be right back. Okay. Guess who? Joel Gasham denied being a disruption. There was not a disruption. I never got up. There was no argument.

Not a confrontation. I didn't touch anybody. He was wearing a mask. He wasn't even loud. There was no disruption. I never got up. There was no argument, not a confrontation. I didn't touch anybody. He was wearing a mask. He wasn't even loud. I was... It was just his pride. Gasham said in a YouTube interview per the Post, according to this other news source, Starbuck News,

Joel received an apology from American Airlines, which now, if you are another person who said, okay, you apologized to him, so obviously we shouldn't have turned around, because then you wouldn't be in the street. That's going to help Jason's case. I would sue. They received? I'd try to take the

whole thing down. I mean, I just, I'll think about the rest of the plane. I think about everybody else on the plane, too. I can't believe someone else didn't get up and try to go 9-11 on the plane.. Why someone else... I can't believe someone else didn't get up and try to go 9-11 on the plane. Here we go. Joel received an apology from American Airlines

two days after the incident. They said in a statement, we are writing a follow-up with you about the delay of flight AA2557 if you want to put that on the walking tour. On July 18th, we recognize that many of our customers, important plans were significantly affected. And for that,

we are very sorry. Not enough. Not enough. Joel told them that he told the Stobrock news that he did not accept Americans airlines. Apology. I will not. Good.

Passengers on the flight were compensated according to the post. And as for Joel, he was provided how many free miles in compensation for this i mean it should we'll get out of here on this it should be a million what would you give should be a million miles and he should be upgraded for the rest of his life i think the rest of the passengers should get that agreed you know i think you should get i would give a hundred thousand yeah but my guess is people who i bet they give them ten thousand things we're the type of people who wouldn't

call a person a waiter no and even if we did as like a fuck you but like you're not kicking me up for calling you a waiter once they said i can turn this around and be like how about we just don't talk to each other like we would leave it at that okay but since we aren't that we wouldn't be the second part of this which is we would say look was i in a bad mood sure do i regret that i called them a waiter you bet i'm not a i'm not denying i had a role in this however however there's a at a point you stop hitting the nail yes it's in once they once the guy called my bluff i would be standing up and begging them to not turn back around and cuff me now whatever yeah yeah i screwed up yes you're you you win you're the better man i haven't said it but this was an international flight so oh my god i know

whoa oh my god i know oh my god where are they going uh europe they I'm sure. They were going to Georgetown. Guana? Oh, wow. G-U-Y-A-N-A? Guyana. Guyana. Sorry, I knew it wasn't Guana, but I've never seen Guyana. Yeah.

Okay. French Guyana is where, yeah. Okay. So, we'll get out of here on this. I think. How many miles did they offer him? I said 10,000. 10,000?

You said 100,000? I'm going to go 50,000. 10,000? You said 100,000? I'm going to go 50,000. 50,000. Okay, what did you say, Rand? By the way, 50,000 miles buys you a $500 ticket. That's it. Yeah, it's not a lot. That will hardly get you a ticket to Minneapolis.

You got taken off the plane. You got questioned by TSA. Yes. They did not say when he was rebooked or if. I imagine even if you were, it would not be on American that day because they haven't even apologized yet. Just barely buys you a ticket to Dallas. No, no, he didn't get back on any plane that day. I'm gonna... Okay.

So what's your guess? 1,700 miles. 1,700 miles, Randy Sparrow. Just upset him. That's worse than none. It's worse than none. Because I didn't say he's accepted. It's like when you get a residual check for two cents. Why did you say this? I did not say he accepted. I said this is what they offered. You said 1,700?

1,000. $10,000? $50,000. $50,000? One of you is exactly right. Wow. It's going to be $50,000. I think it's me.

I think it's weird enough. $1,700. Okay, Matt's switching to $1,700. No, no, I'm $1,500. You're staying? I'm staying. I'm switching to $50,000. But I think it's my principle I wouldn't switch.

You're one for one, by the way, in this story. For telling a flight attendant, well, if you're God, go ahead and turn around the flight, because they were mad that you called them waiter. They offered him, and compensated other people. It had to be less than this, right? Yeah. They offered him 10,000 miles. Oh, my God.

Wow. Nothing. A $100 ticket. That doesn't even get you one way from here to Oakland. Everyone else got like a coupon for Arby's. Like, that's crazy. Less than 10,000 for other people? You're third.

Okay. I believe. I am, Dan. I hear these stories. We've heard so many of these stories. I am literally outraged by this. Yeah, Jace up there. I am so mad.

I should have thought with the four of us, I was like, we only need one story today. My friend's dad was on a flight that was like, via connection, about to make Christmas during this last holiday or the one before. Whatever the one was, an absolute shit fire. Yeah. It was two Christmas ago.

Because I got stuck. Because my wife got stuck. Because of time regulations, because these flights had been working, they timed out, and the flight attendant had to get on and tell everyone they're not going to make it home for Christmas for this thing. And this dude was almost sobbing. He was wiping tears. Of course.

He was like, there's nothing any of us can do. And if I could, I would. And it was this thing where everyone on the flight was like all right he's devastated yeah but they were like all right this guy wants to kill himself there are times that there's times that they're so typically they go the extra mile right he didn't have to at the end be like and for the kids there is no santa claus guys we're gonna wait here on the tarmac for about 40 minutes coming around so keep your elbows i had one i had a flight attendant once that was mad and didn't switch to professionalism stayed mad not at not at the but in general and they're like well uh i'm gonna give everybody who wants it when you exit the email address to the president of our company uh we can't help this this is their decision so i

guess what i'm trying and everybody's like wait what because they it was almost like you say you say the name last when you bring up the next comic he was like burying the lead and so he's like and so what i guess what i'm telling everybody is get off the plane we're not going anywhere and people were like wait wait wait what because he was still mad he had the information switch to the like present presenting right you guys that's story number one down the books let's take a break when we come back we'll let you know how you can support we're gonna sell out his shows on the east coast yay and uh daniel's got a great stuff with bronger we'll be right back stick around make a sound there's more

hey everybody welcome back to the show uh before we get into this second story that jay has and before we get into bronger's uh wonderful east coast dates which we have we have teas like nobody's business daniel has some great stuff in july uh oh my gosh you guys and things that are out that you can watch obviously yeah please watch uh wine club it's my first uh movie that i'm the lead of i hope you'll love it it's very fun so good it's great oh my god steve little is so wonderful and you're i what i think I've realized as I watch it is what you're playing against Steve Little is, and

with your life in there, is so funny. You've never actually seen me do a lot of acting. Obviously, we act in sketches and stuff that we did, but it was great. It was really nice. Where can I see this? Right now, it's free on Tubi. It's so good. But Dan, it's dan reacting to crazy people the way he would

as a bouncer or in these stories there's like a certain yeah yeah you're like we do something okay buddy you're like okay if we do something crazy like when we're on the road together or say something you're like okay guys relax there is a level are you sure you want to do that so much there's a scene with steve little where i just get to just go then stop doing it god he's the fucking best anyway so that's swine cub rose gold is on youtube right now i would love a hundred that's the goal i would love to we're at like 80 000 right now so climbing climbing and then the other stuff so i'm building the new hour and to do that i also wanted to recreate my old life and live in chicago in the summer for at least a week

so i'm doing my own residency comedy festival at the lincoln lodge in chicago illinois july 16th through the 21st so fun different shows every single night all new material different themes local chicago comics even some headliners people People like, on this show, Ian Carmel was like, hey, can I come? Drew Morgan was also like, hey, what if I come up and do that? Yeah, let me know what week it is. I would love to come through. It is just an excuse to come in.

Okay, let me look at the count. I think the second night of it, we're doing a Confused Breakfast, the first ever live podcast at the Lincoln Lodge. Everything is at danielvankirk.com. I just did a show, and you guys are going to do it too you should do it as well it's the first one they ever did it's called overshare it was in fairfax and they set it up as like just overshare something which when you're building new material it was like so good everybody the audience is knowing that we're talking and it was so much fun great to do new stuff and i can't wait to do

every day i get to go get drunk on north Beach, sober up in time to do a show. Maybe. And then hit Dove's Luncheonette. Word for an hour. Hit Dove's Luncheonette. Oh, my God. Go get a thin crust at Pequod's. Yes.

Rossi's, my favorite dive bar in the city. Chicago's Pizza. My favorite bar is Rossi's. Old Town Ale House. Old Town. I'll be there. I'll be at a Michael Shannon. He'll be there.

Yes, he was there. The last time I was at Old Town Ale House, he was there. And I did not say a word to him, as you should. So everything's at DanielVanKirk.com. Different shows every night. Multiple shows. Adam Cain. Holland's going to be there headlining on Friday night.

Anyway, it's just fun. DanielVanKirk.com. Come have a good time. All right, so Bronx. Hub City Comedy Fest. I can't believe I didn't say it. Yeah, Hub City Comedy Fest. Bronx, you're going to be doing some city wineries, is an amazing room in new york and boston to double

check the dates double check your dates but i i i i have them at july yeah 18th 19th right got it so as you uh which is that ironically the time you're doing but if you're in boston yeah wait start on the 16th come stop by chicago i should. On the way out. Then go there. I'll give you the door. I don't care. No, I don't want that door. I don't give a shit. I really just wanted to live in Chicago and do new material for a week.

I mean, I love that idea. I'm doing a thing like that. It doesn't matter what week because I can't announce it, but I'm just going to go to New York for a week and just do all the shows. So it's like Chicago is like that though now. Yes. And so it's like the bay between Oakland and San Francisco and Vallejo and all that stuff. You could just...

And guys like Joe Kilgallen and Jonah Jerkins and all the great scene that's in Chicago. In Chicago. All right. But so... So I'm July 18th. It's a Thursday. I'm in New York. The New York City Winery.

July 19th, I'm in Boston. Two shows in Boston. City Winery. City Winery. And then July 20th, I'm in Philly Boston two shows City Winery and then July 20th I'm in Philly and lucky lucky me the Tyson Paul fight is not happening

thank God you gave him an ulcer I just kept telling him this story that made him real worried I know we have to do this story but I haven't ever had it line up for me our friend Ryan Stout had to do shows in Cleveland on the night LeBron made the decision.

Oh. Okay, I know. That might be the number one of all. But for you, what would have been your feeling going into that show knowing that's what's happening that night globally and in the city? I think it's probably because it's like an early show. So by the time the cards actually started,

by the time their match actually started, probably not until 9 p.m. right as I'm finishing, I would go full bore marketing that way and go, you can see them both. Let's all watch it together. Pre-fight comedy. Where, north of the Mason-Dixon line, the concentration of anger is in the United States,

is Philadelphia. There is so the United States. Yes. Philadelphia. Yeah. There is so much rage in that town. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? And I feel like they just need something like that to be like, yeah. Yes.

No, but the truth is what I would do is what we would do if it was us is we would say, let's finish our show at such and such time. Stick around. Yeah. The club is going to order the fight. We're going to. Yeah. You kind of market it that way. Yeah, but they can't.

It costs too much. I've worked in bars too long. It's not per screen. Yeah, but it's on Netflix. Is it orderable on Netflix? Oh, God, it's not pay-per-view. It's on Netflix. It's not pay-per-view.

No, it's free. Oh, my God. So then we would shut my mouth. We would call the fight. You'd market it that way. Yeah, and we would do cheap seats over the fight. Why aren't we doing that anyway? We should do that.

You guys should see when they reschedule. If the fight was still on, I'd fly you guys in. We're all too cheesy. We'll come in after Bronger and do it. All right, that sounds awesome. So get your tickets, CityWiner. Go to mattbronger.com and get your tickets to support him. Go see one of the best comments working today.

Thank you. It's a great way to support your comments. You're brilliant. I got a story. This is sent in by Adam Fries at Adam Fries. Utah man says Grubhub driver accidentally gave him cup of urine. Was it an accident? Was it an accident?

That's what I asked. Can I say something just between the four of us? The charitability of saying accidentally. I know. Is this someone who just looks at the good, like, is this like, I don't know him. For him, the cup of urine is half full. Maybe he grew up in a family where they drank urine for its healing properties. When you put the cup in your hand, it is warm.

Unless tea was what he ordered. He ordered a milkshake. Did he? I'll get into it. He accidentally gave him a milkshake. Sorry, Dan. Can I just between us? Yes.

Okay, if you're listening to the podcast, take your earbuds out for a second. Like a week ago. You peed. I peed on the 10 while driving. Wow. I had to. In what?

In a cup. In like a workout like water bottle. Okay. And it was a decision I had to make. what? In a workout water bottle. Okay. And it was a decision I had to make. I've been there. Because I live in Hollywood, and I was leaving Santa Monica. Just for context, folks, he was not going 80. No.

Traffic is inching. He's nowhere near an exit. No. Right. I was like, okay. It's a parking lot. I pulled over on the side of the two i was like if even getting off of the 10 onto the shoulder you come no no no i'm i draw i said i kept driving

okay but i'm but i'm gonna say you couldn't have gone to the shoulder and just stood next i would feel like that'd be more dangerous probably and so i i well and like a cop sees you it's not worth i would i would i would pee in almost anything to avoid getting arrested. Yeah. Except you wouldn't. I guess if you put it like, you know, pee on this at gunpoint, you won't arrest you. It's just the thing. Pee in almost anyone.

Half the game is just don't get noticed. You know what I mean? And you're allowed to pee in your own car. I don't remember. I mean, maybe high school. I don't remember the last time I peed, and I guarantee it was a Gatorade bottle. Daniel, I drink a cup of coffee in the morning before I drive my daughter to school, and I'll drive her to Eagle Rock, which is about the whole trip, round trip.

Yeah, I was looking at an hour-plus drive. And I was on the team. You had no choice. The whole trip is 49 minutes. You're boxed in. Yes. No, you got it. Point of return.

So that's maybe what this guy does. But you face this with yourself. Oh, yeah. There are many times I have to, for whatever reason, it reacts with my body in a way that sometimes I'll pee before I leave, and then I'll get on the road, and I'm driving back, and if there's a lot of traffic on the two to get off the two at Glendale, I will just pull over to the side of the road and have to pee on the side of the road. And I'm just like, I do not want to pee in my car.

I do not want to pee all over myself. I got to- Great thing for you, though. You have a Tesla. Yeah. Stop and go traffic. Yeah, it's just the gas. You don't have to do anything.

You have no worries at all. Just leave it. No, but I mean- You could put a toilet in that bad boy if you really wanted to. All right, so this guy. All right, so this guy. Okay. Wait, you don't want to hear about how I shit in a big gulp?

Don't ask how. Well, you will at the City Winery. Boston. Opening 20 minutes. A Utah man said he ordered a milkshake through a food delivery app, but instead got a cup filled with urine. So that's the only thing he ordered. Do you food delivery?

I don't ever do it. It goes against my Midwestern Rochelle, Illinois roots. We do it. Ordering anything that can melt via DoorDash or Uber Eats is the dumbest. This guy's an idiot. Damn, we've ordered ice cream before. Stupid. They put it in an ice pack.

That's a lot of trust. That's up to the delivery driver. But it's like milkshake is dumb. Milkshake, no dice. What's the lifespan on a milkshake's like milkshake is dumb. Milkshake, no dice. Dumb. Dumb. What's the lifespan on a milkshake? 20 minutes? Tops. I'm saying where it's supposed to be.

Where it still is a milkshake. No. I mean, it is milky. And some things, like, can you order an ice cream cone? Because that should not be allowed. You cannot order an ice cream cone. Good. Okay, good.

I don't know. But a milkshake. Milkshake. Caleb Wood of Saratoga Springs. Idiot. Laying the wood. Saratoga Springs, Utah. You know the classics.

Sure. Said he ordered fries and a milkshake. That's it. He's high. From Chick-fil-A. So wait a second. Who's going to Chick-fil-A being like, I got to have that? For fries and a milkshake.

No chicken in the order. Chicken and Chick-fil-A. I need the milkshake of Jesus. Friends, you're looking at the app. You know you want fries and a milkshake. Everything is available to you, I assume. Even in a small town you have more fast food access than i do in la probably at least in proximity yeah chick-fil-a's the call

yeah i recently had a chick-fil-a sandwich the chicken sandwich but chick-fil-a's the call for fries unbelievable so good shut up unbelievably good canes better than canes canes is three strips and this is a one i just don't think no I just don't think Chick-fil-A is the maybe I'm wrong here I'm willing to do on our Patreon five bucks a month I'm willing to do

a shake taste test with you guys let's shake it up let's shake it up listen to this I don't think the cups are this thick I held a Chick-fil-A cup

you can feel the ice on the inside when I started eating my meal upon delivery I put a straw in my cup that was delivered let's not call it a meal and took a sip to a straw in my cup. That's not called a meal. That's not called a meal. And took a sip to the straw in the cup and took a sip.

Wait, no. It's pee. It's dark. It's sloshing. Your sink shouldn't slosh. It's warm unless he's peeing out frozen. Okay, so let's back off here. He's an X-Man.

Is this what happened? Did this delivery person have a situation with DBK driving around? Happened to have the exact same size. I thought the same thing, too, but it was in and out cups in my head. Oh, okay. So what Bronger's saying is back to the warmth. Like you hold. But what if Bronger peed in the shake?

Oh, God. But they're not saying that. It's a separate thing. But if you pick up your shake and it goes... I have a deeper conspiracy theory. I think this guy drank the shake, is looking to get a refund for nothing, peed in his own cup

minutes later, and then he called to report it. He's an idiot. Based on order alone. Fast food Moriarty. I soon discovered, soon discovered. Wouldn't you immediately discover? Immediately, soon. That the cup delivered to me from the Grubhub driver was a warm cup of urine.

Why can't this be a Columbo episode? You didn't when you held it? Reference, reference, new reference. When you held it? A two-minute Columbo episode. Just one more thing. Would, oh, listen to this. Let me ask you something.

That's pretty good. This is where it gets crazy. Shelly Cornbread., listen to this. Let me ask you something. It's pretty good. This is where it gets crazy. Shelly Corn Patch. Shelly Corn Patch. Let me ask. They were tsetse flies. The size of small eagles. It was always this hand movement when he'd back and forth to something.

Guys, if you're under 35 and you're like, what are you guys talking about? Go back and watch Columbo. Columbo. And he'd always go, but the dog. You said the dog came through. I need a little bit of help. It's always like some sort of like. Okay. The finger in the air. My thing, I'm wondering. I need a little bit of help. It's always like some sort of like the finger in the air. My thing, I'm wondering.

Wood captured the delivery on his home security camera. Wood said he called the driver back to his house and confronted him. The confrontation was also caught on video. He called him a waiter. Right. Sir, sir, do you realize this is pee? Wood said to the driver while holding the tall styrofoam

cup in his hand. And taking another sip. Because I do. Do you realize? This was pee. This was pee. According to Wood, the driver admitted to confusing two styrofoam cups in his vehicle. Wood said the driver. He's an idiot.

Everybody's an idiot. This is dumb people. Don't drink the pee. Wood said the driver told him that he works long hours and doesn't take bathroom breaks, so he relieves himself in his car. Well, this is a reason to never order food ever. This is who's handling your food. I'm never ordering from Grubhub again.

Grubby Hub. This is the worst thing to happen to Grubhub. This is like the 10,982nd piece of legal evidence in the file against late-stage capitalism, along with the Amazon workers. Why is this a thing? Give him a break. Why? Give him a break. Let him stop.

Wood said that the drinking of the urine made him sick. When he reached out to Grubhub, Wood said that the Chicago-based company, sorry guys, took four days to get back to him. He said that the company refunded part of his order, which was less than how much money, and then tell me how much they refunded. So they only refunded the shake. The shake. So $3.25. No, what do you call it? Weird prices now.

What kind of damages is it? Oh, it's like emotional damages. Yeah, like that would, the thought. Just tell me how much they refunded him. Five bucks. Five bucks? I think they were like, here's a $5 credit. $3.25.

I think shakes cost more now. I'd say six. I'm going to go six. They refunded like $18. Oh, okay. The actual cost of the food would say, they didn't refund the delivery fee or tip that I gave. What?

Grubhub, man. Grubhub. You can't do that. Don't be nickel and diming man. Grubhub might have seen that he gave the tip after tasting the urine. That's right. He did. Next stars. I always love thinking about it. I've been doing this since we started this show. What is the amount they could give to where you'd go, okay, fine.

If Grubhub said to him, we're going to give you $500, that's it. I would say this. And I think that's a good call. I would this. And I think that's a good call. I think that's a good call. $500 to Grubhub. Yeah, I would say, we're going to give you $500 credit to Grubhub. In other words,

encouraging you to continue to lead. We will show you. We will earn your business back. Let us earn your business back. This was a clear mistake. Not a mistake of our company, but a mistake of our company. Look, Grubhub's extremely successful yep even if they if they want this to no one ever hear about it i go you and i go another 500 i go i go we're gonna give you 500 in credit plus 500 just for having to be fucked with yeah and then i think this guy goes okay yes plus an evening and ice cream cans for that plus an evening with bear grillis who drank his own pineapple famously uh next stars ktvx reached out to grubhub and the company said

what happened was unacceptable quote we took immediate action with the driver and ended his contract with us shouldn't it shouldn't do that you should give more breaks give him more breaks well it's it's it's this thing where they're chasing it was like well he could have contract with us shouldn't it shouldn't do that you should give more breaks give him more breaks it's it's just thinking where they're chasing it was like well he could have taken all the breaks he wants and he can you know lose money and it's like well give him a break so here's what they said we're following up with the customer to apologize you should have already apologized yeah we're gonna get to that they're like oh we gotta do a lot of stuff oh shit we gotta call the crazy though as much as we say like oh you should not us right now but people

always like you can get so much go after them we've also become so isolated yeah that if his phone rang the next day right yeah and it was a person going hey i'm the vp of service for right that would floor this guy oh yeah they called me because we're now at a point where just someone calling you you'll get an email and listen to yes would make you feel like holy in a world where you don't even deal with bank tellers anymore you don't your mail could be done like everything you you buy a bed online thank god for the people who have supported this podcast but like everything is so removed that yeah still a 500 but a call would make a person

go I agree they fucking they care and you know don't come in it's just sort of sad even if it's symbolic the $500 credit is nothing to them so it's like I'm prepared to offer you and they're like oh you're not only calling a call

you would make that guy's week. Forever. 500 bucks is spill. That's just spill. Now, if the New York Post were to headline this, let's all come up with what the headline would be. Grub schlub. What would the New York Post headline be? Peed off.

Peed off. Oh, peed off is great. You're in trouble. You're in trouble. Shake it off. Yeah, that's good. Do a thing like that shake it off uh so here's the the last the last thing they say in this is so weird and i need help trying

to decipher this we're following up with the customer to apologize so that means you haven't done it you haven't done it yet and are coaching the representative who was previously in touch with the customer what what does that mean that they didn't they didn't handle it the right way you know like jim carrey famously uh when he played the grinch he had those contacts that hurt so bad they had to hire a guy who trained marines how to withstand torture oh yeah you know are they just training this guy how to hold the urine in and not feel the pain that's right don't Don't pee. But the representative to me. That's how they're coaching him.

The representative to me is the person who originally this person called. Right. And you know what? They probably called and they're like, someone peed in my milkshake. And they'd be like, well, tell me another story, bitch. And you're like, David, you cannot talk to this person like this. No, but you're funny, but right. Because the representative is probably the person who issued him an 18 refund

that's correct so i'm sure they went over and be like hey buddy hey we can eat the delivery fee too right we can like and i will say i have had you know uh uh as a as the the parent of a young kid i have ordered stuff that has not come like incomplete correct. You cannot... As far as I remember, some of these delivery places, you can't get anyone. No. You can send them a DM. Right.

You never get them. Here's what's happening. And then you wait and you wait and you wait. To Dan's point, if someone called you... You're not going to get someone... Yeah. So to get that back...

To get the call. To get the call. With the offer. With the offer. Good dumb story. Just a big mouthful of piss. Are you kidding me? And he doesn't pick up a thing and understand it's warm. Well, and also, it's warm. You shouldn't order a shake anyway. with the offer. Good dumb story. Just a big mouthful of piss? Are you kidding me? I don't know how much.

He doesn't pick up a thing and understand it's warm. Well, and also, it's warm. You shouldn't order a shake anyway. Yeah, you shouldn't. Dan, you're so right. This is why I wonder

when fries are going to be delivered in a way that don't cover them. No. I know they might spill, but they always get soggy. They get soggy. Check the temperature

of the cup before you put the straw in. All right. My story is about marriage proposal gone wrong. Plus, we get to hear They always get soggy. You get soggy. Check the temperature of the cup before you put this on. My story is about marriage proposal gone wrong. Plus we get to hear what you guys are going on. Yeah, that on the other side of the break. It's Brongers with us. Stick around.

Make a sound. There's more Don't People Town. Hey, townies. Today's episode is sponsored in part by Chewy. To keep them happy, Chewy has over 100 000 products and by them i mean your animals from all the brands that your pets love and the prices that you can love as well foods treats beds you name it they have it did you know also uh you can search like for to adopt a pet through chewy too oh i did not know that i just saw that yesterday everything that you want to buy for the pet you're going to adopt or the one that you

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Terms and conditions apply. Seaside. Hey, guys. Welcome back to the show. Before we jump into this third crazy story about a marriage proposal that went sideways in every which way, we should tell you that what we have coming up and what we've got going on, we are going to... I love your shirt, by the way. Thanks, man.

That's nice. I appreciate this. It is very summertime, right? Summertime on the ranch, on the range. So what do we have going on, Jay? We've got... I don't know if this is going to drop before that, but if it drops before we go to Dallas, Fort Worth, Hyena's on the 19th and Dallas on the 20th of June.

And Daniel, you might be there. I will be in Houston for sure on that Friday. On Friday. So Friday and Saturday we're in Houston at the Secret Group. Daniel's going to come by and do a little set on our show. I will definitely do a set and it'll be new stuff and we all get to find out together, does it work. If it's good.

It will be good, but it's just... You know what we'll do, Dan? Laugh at me? No, we'll write tags, and we'll pitch you tags for it. We'll pitch you tags. Of course. It's going to be a blast. Maybe you'll bring us up, and then we'll pitch you tags.

I'll do whatever you want. So this will be a blast. Secret group in Houston. Friday night, let's sell out, because Thursday night, I'm worried that Game 6 of the Mavs... We don't know. Celtics. Talk about being worried about this. If they go, we'll be in Dallas, and if Game 6 of the Mavs, we don't know. Celtics. Talk about being worried about this.

If they go, we'll be in Dallas, and if Game 6 of the Mavs, Celtics, then our show's blown out. Oh, man. Or we can't do a watch party. I do a watch party. I don't think you have to worry about Game 6. Ah, so there you go. Ah, interesting. Someone's going to win it in five.

You heard it here first. I would love that. At any rate, superscrollers.com, and we're going to be working on Kevin Hart's Olympic show. We might do some stuff on that over the summer. Ah, that's so much fun. Going to shoot a movie with our friend Kestrin Pantera. A really cool thing this summer. So we'll let you know when that goes out.

All sorts of good stuff. Superschoolers.com. You ready? Yes. Let's jump into this. This is sent in by, I don't think this person has sent in before, Professor Dementia. Oh, maybe they have. At Ann McCarthy.

I love it. Hi, Ann. Hi, Ann. Thank you, Ann. Thanks, Ann. St. Louis, man. So it's near and dear to our hearts. What state did it happen in? Sorry, I could

have done that. St. Louis man asked woman to marry him. Love that. They're still doing that in St. Louis. And it's usually because he has debt. Although, to be fair. Sherry, if we put our money together, we can pay direct. Sherry, fire ya.

If we get married, I can get this toothpick. We'll go out on Highway Farty Far. St. Louis man asked woman to marry him. In emos? Comma. In emos. Right. She steals his car.

Okay. And his heart. This is such a St. Louis story. She didn't just steal his heart. I'm going to try and read it with the thickest St. Louis accent I can. Get out of my dreams and also get out of my car, Sherry. You're driving away. And the logic.

So St. Louis, it's everything we grew up with. Again, this is quick, but will spark a lot of discussion. So here we go. A St. Louis County woman is facing a felony charge of stealing a how old man's car. Do you want to do this at the end or do it right now? Let's do it now. 67. Just went into my head.

For some reason, I had 70. Okay. 49. I'm not. Get your answers in town. You guys are in the right direction. Oh, really? I was already going to say.

83-year-old man's car. Man, how do you steal that guy's car? I don't want to be ageist. Me either, but. How much is he using that car? How much should he be using it? Not at night. 83 is right on the line.

83 is right on the line. I want to say this, and you can... Are your folks still alive? Oh, yeah. So our mom is still alive. And how old are we talking? Our mom is almost 79. I know about one of them. My 94-year-old grandmother.

Rose Gold. Still alive. Living by herself. Crushing life. Crushing life. Called me yesterday. Answer the phone. Hello, Danny.

I'm like, give me that energy, Rose. So do we need to have the talk with our elderly about not getting scammed about stuff? I think we need to. Oh, I do it all the time. I do it all the time. My parents came close to giving someone money because of, you know, that whole FBI thing.

But they were like, wait. And they just did their research. I will say, I'm not going to have that situation with giving up the car because my parents have this organization, oh, a little plug, called The Village. And there's one in every major metropolitan area where basically if you don't want to go to a retirement center,

you can join this thing maybe a couple years before you're worried about it. And there are young people that volunteer to help you with groceries, drive you places. The Village. They've had literally at least two people join and come to a meeting and go, I don't trust myself driving anymore.

Which I was like, whoa. To me that feels like on the level of an addict being like, I need help. Before bottoming out. Before bottoming out. Before crashing a car. Before hitting rock bottom. Another plug for rock bottom. I had a grandpa who flew

B-2 bombers in World War II and he wouldn't give up his private he had like a little biplane. He flew too long. Most men drive biplane. He flew too long. Most men drive too long. He flew too long. He landed at a relative's wedding. It might have been my dad's.

This is a legend. Flew my uncle in. My uncle got out, told my grandpa to fuck himself, and ran up to my dad. This was back when men carried money and gave a wad of cash. It was like, I'm buying your fucking car. I'm never flying with dad again. Wow.

And walked back. I want to come to a family wedding. What an unbelievable thing. But it was like, most men drive too long. Well, see, Rosemary worked for the DMV for 30 years. Shout out Oregon, Illinois. All right. And so I think it's somewhere around 85.

She went and passed the test and then said, I'm good. I don't want to drive anymore. She just wanted to know that in an emergency, she could still do it. And she goes, I'm good. It's so impressive. I always say getting older, there's still so much you can do. You can do the same things you did when you were 20. It's about two things.

Accepting your limitations of doing those things and your recovery time. Age is recovery time. I know my limits. There are stages. There are guys around our ages that still try to dress like they're 23. Yes. And you're like, that needs an intervention. Wearing some t-shirt from the old town ale house like they're cool.

Oh, stop it, Dan. That's cool, though. I know. I'm fucking around. So listen. Okay, yes. I saw an 80-year-old man in Beverly Hills with leather pants. I'll let it go.

I've seen that guy. Let it go. In our heads, this woman's under 50, right? Right. No, no, no. She has a good excuse Yeah yeah yeah We'll get to that

She has a good excuse For taking What make and model of car It's a Buick It's a 1988 Buick Skylar Okay what do you think I have to say Buick Oldsmobile 88

I'm gonna go crazy And say this was Taurus This was a This was a Shelby Like something Like a gorgeous But worth stealing Okay A car that like That's a good angle One of the ones They would have gotten Like got off with This was a Shelby. Like something nice. Like a gorgeous.

But worth stealing. A car that like. That's a good angle. One of the ones they would have gotten, like got off with gone 60 seconds. I'm going to go Buick Enclave. Buick Enclave. Okay. A DeLorean. I am not a.

I'm not a. Yes. And I don't blame her. I'm on her side. Get her back inside. You made a time machine. Huge Michael J. Fox. DeLorean.

It's probably still cooking. So I have never heard of this car ever. Okay. But I heard the make, but Coke in it. I have never heard of this car ever. Okay. But I heard the make, but not the model. All right. I might know. A 2008 Chevy Uplander. Is Uplander the series where the guy can travel through time?

That's got to be their answer to the Pontiac Aztek. It's one of those giant for no reason pickups, right? I think the new test, the Cyber Truck. They upsold them to an Uplander. The Cyber Truck is a Pontiac Aztec if it was drawn by a six-year-old. Yes, perfect. An Uplander, it's got to be like their answer to the Durango.

It's the Cyber Truck of its time. It is. If you go to Minsk right now, there are like tons of Uplanders. Also, Uplander sounds like a movie we all watched in 1987. The guy who could travel through time. Oh, thank you. He was a warrior. Sorry, I missed it.

Yes, yes, yes. The charges were filed yesterday. Is Uplander and Airbender part of the same movie series? And Windtalker. All right, so the charges were filed yesterday against Deanna McCandless. Great. Deanna McCandless? You know Deanna.

That's Deanna. That's Deanna. She used to be a cheerleader for the Football Cardinals back in the 70s. There's a bar that has DMACC on the wall. You know it. Though the alleged theft happened back in May. According to police, probable cause statements said the 83-year-old man and McCandless have befriended each other after meeting while walking in their Afton neighborhood. McCandless.

You know who's from Afton? Who? John Goodman. That's right. So we'll get on on her age. But after that, later. neighborhood afton mccandless news from afton who john goodman that's right uh so we're gonna we'll get on on her age but uh after that later move in this is a chevy outlander it's a little more disappointing let's think uplander outlander that's an outlander is it an outlander or an up lander uplander outlander is the tv that is the car but what about a highlander that's a movie it's gonna be only one three that is a

car can you guys tell me this protection can you tell me the difference between seagate farscape and cease scape aren't those shows mccandless said that the man gave her his keys and told her to take a drive and clear her head he He did not do that. She told police she needed to think about his proposal over 800 miles due to their age difference. However, the man reported a slightly different set of events from the police. He said he

took off the car around what time? One in the afternoon. What do you think? 8 p.m. 8 p.m. Matt? For some reason, 7 p.m. is in my brain. What do you think? 8 p.m. 8 p.m.? Matt? For some reason, 7 p.m. is in my brain. I don't know why.

She took off with the car around 4 a.m., you know, normal time that you'd want to take off without his permission. By the way, that's when he's eating breakfast. That's an 83-year-old man. He's up. He's up. Let me ask you guys a question.

It's morning. I don't want to victim blame here. Yeah. But if you propose to somebody, Right. Can they steal your car? Yeah, you're giving them. It begs the question.

I love you with all my heart. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Don't you dare touch my fucking car. Right. That doesn't line up. You have to know someone well enough to, you know, like, I, it's funny. Shout out Laurel Kurtz. I saw her this past weekend.

My high school had their 100th anniversary of the performing arts department amazing and I remember I did not know Laurel from Eve

when I was in 7th grade and I asked her to be my girlfriend we never we hadn't shared one word we hadn't shared one word sure shout out to her

she wrestled with the decision for a couple hours and after school was like I just don't feel like I don't know you yeah you know

didn't tell me to F off or anything but it was like, I just don't feel like I know you. You know, didn't tell me to F off or anything, but it was like, yeah, but I didn't understand how love worked or anything worked. I think if you just got a girlfriend, I want a girlfriend. You can't be like that at 84 years old. Yeah, so he was just like, marry me. And she's like,

I'm taking the card. He's like, you thief. She's like, I get off at Wetzel's Pretzels in an hour. Can I get you a pretzel's like, I get off at Wetzel's Pretzels in an hour. Can I get you a pretzel, sir? I'm working at Wetzel's Pretzels in the mall. He reported the Uplander stolen and police recovered it two days later in Overland with McCandless inside. Overland is an area not far from Afton. McCandless is not currently in jail.

She's ordered to appear in court later this month. She'll probably show up. I'm sure she is. Then she stole an Overlander. Another car. later this month, she'll probably show up. I'm sure she does. Then she stole an Overlander. And then she was ordered to put out her Eve Menthol 120, although she would not until it was just one ashing. You liar. That's not a good thing.

You liar. All right, we'll get out of here on this. How old, it only gave her approximate age. We'll go with that. How old is McCandless, her approximate age? So does that feel like they rounded it off? So it's a mid of a decade. So I'll give you that.

Mid what? 40s. Okay, what do you think? 50s. Daniel? Don't say 30s, Dan. Please say 20s. I know.

I really thought about it. I want a 25 year old. Right. Will you marry me? But they met walking. In their Afton neighborhood. But she doesn't have a car. I'm going to go 60s.

Did anybody else say 60s? I said 50s. 40s, 50s, 60s. One of you is exactly right. Okay. Approximately. I'll stay with you. You're going to stay?

I'm staying. Get your answers in. Go see Bronger. City Winery. At all the city wineries on the East Coast, you can see them on the 18th, 19th, and 20th. 18th in New York. 19th in Boston. 20th in Philly.

Go see Dan in Chicago. City Comedy Week. City Comedy Week. And then Ron Payne. Drop in on his way east. Woo! Go see it. Join our Patreon.

We do wonderful stories and stuff. It's patreon.com slash dumpeopletown. It's really fun. And my daughter Daisy is curating that thing. So very excited. She's doing a great job. This woman, Deanna McCandless, is in her mid-40s.

Way to go, Ron! Way to end. We love you guys so much. And oh snap, we got to get back to work. See ya. Stick around.

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