Dumb People Town - Matt Braunger - Gentlemen's Day

Episode Date: February 7, 2017

Happy Gentlemen's Day! Matt Braunger of the podcast Ding-Donger with Matt Braunger joins The Sklars and Daniel Van Kirk on a trip to Dumb People Town! For Story #1, they break down a meth-fueled, pantsless escapade at the Orlando International Airport...

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast jam With co-host Armand Dan Banders, don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits the funny hits So listen to our podcast jam with co-host Armand Dan. Man, don't be a jerk. Cause when the music hits the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, hunker down, it's Dumb People Town. Alright everybody, welcome to Dumb People Town. We are thrilled to have this guy on.

Not only because we're a fan of his comedy and he's got a new podcast that's coming out here on Feral Audio that he will talk about but also because he's actually a fan of the show. He listens to the show. I feel like this show falls right in the line of all the people that he encounters in all of his comedy bits. Jay and I were at the comedy store

I think it was probably a month ago. We had a set and we went up to do the set. And you're always, I have to give credit to the Comedy Store because they are really booking amazing comedians just on a regular weeknight. And we sat, he was right before us, or he was two before us. And we sat and watched his set. And it had been a while since we've just sat in there and just watched someone's set. You were making us laugh so much. Matt Bronger, welcome to the show.

Hey, thanks for having me, fellas. The drunk dude in the elevator, not knowing where to put his hands, is my favorite. He's actually the one that's on all the drugs. Oh, he's on the drugs. But he didn't know how to act in public. Is he the guy who turned and stood in the corner and faced the corner? Yeah, he Blair Witched all of us. Yeah. And it was a full elevator that's that's actually like my newest like long bit i love that story i never thought of the correlation of of this uh dumb people town and so many of my

stories are just things i can't the elevator opens and one of these guys could walk into a dumb people town store yes any apart any one of them any one of them yeah i that literally came from being late to my own show in dallas and barely making the stage and just started lighting into them about uh uh my entire because my entire hotel had been taken over by u of t kids because it was the austin u of t austin u of t dallas yeah big game. And they all bust in and they each had their own beer. Everyone had their own beer cooler. Like when I was in college, we'd have a beer cooler for like five guys. They have to have their own custom rolly.

Custom rolly. And so I literally just told, I'm just like, I'm just going to tell you the story of my elevator ride that took like 20 minutes to get from the 50th floor. And so it just became, but now it's a bit. So what you did right there is you Van Kirk the story. Oh, yeah. Because Van Kirk will like, something happens to him

in like that day and suddenly he's got 29 minutes of comedy. Sure. It's the whole story of how you. Dan, that's true. It is true. You gotta keep losing shit at airports.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Well, I just like, I don't know about you, Matt. I just start taking inventory of everything memorable that's happening yeah knowing focus on this it's duly pissing me off but then also i'm

storing it for something oh absolutely i went from furious in that elevator to okay now it's just funny by the time it by the time i got off the elevator yeah it was like, you called it Dante's Inferno. The level. The seven levels. Even the cover of your album is a guy that you're like, what is this guy's deal? Oh, sure. Shovel Fighter, right? Shovel Fighter was based on those albums in the 70s where there's a guy in a pristine suit in the middle of the woods. Right.

And you wonder, was he airlifted there? Yes, this is what I'm saying. And he's looking off in the distance, and his suit suit is white and there's just dirty trees around him yeah and the the first album was basically like a bob steger ripoff but it was making fun of the whole soak up the night yes it was kind of making fun of the the comedian as rock star which at the time was huge but i love the term suck up we use that when i too drunk, that like, I know if I go to sleep now, the room's going to spin, I'm going to start throwing up.

We say, I got to soak up the night. Yeah, it's true. In my brain, giving full credit to you. Yeah, thank you.

Thank you. I don't know if you give enough out loud credit to me. I know, it's all just happening in my head and in my brain. Well, can I just say thank you

to all of the people who have listened to Dumb People Town and are reviewing it and rating it. The more you do that, the people who have listened to Dumb People Town and are reviewing it and rating it. The more you do that, the higher it goes up the charts, the better it is for us, the more people find out about it. And we are so happy that Feral Audio has really, and I think you'll be super happy here

when you take your podcast, which is what? It's called Ding Donger with Matt Bronger. And it was on another network for a while, and it was fine. Chinese food menus all across the country. It's just me being racist. It's all it is. But that's literally a nickname that Matt Dwyer would give me.

He'd be like, where's Donger? And so, and where's, like, oh, I messed up. I did something stupid. Pulls a donger. Pulls a donger. I'm a ding-donger. And my girlfriend, now fiance, calls me that. She calls you that? Yeah, you know. That's phenomenal. Well, because it's this affectionate, fiance, calls me that. She calls you that?

Yeah. It's phenomenal. Because it's this affectionate, oh, what? Sure. You know, I'll make some stupid mistake and then realize I'm doing it and go, oh, look at what I did. You're going to kind of think. I thought I pulled a donger.

So I literally based it on podcasts keep me company. Yes. You know what I mean? On the road. And I don't think it's just comedians. I think it's just anyone that's in a car that drives to work every day or whatever. It is this wonderful medium where you don't have to see people's dumb faces, but you can listen to them and they're there.

Sure. And, you know, whatever it's about. So my thing is, you know, I tend to think I'm something of an entertaining, humorous guy. So I will basically hitchhike my way into your life for about half an hour to who knows how long and then at the i'll tell you all these stories and at the end i'll jump out and i'm doing this new thing now called dear ding donger where people can email me at uh ding dong at feral audio.com

and ask me anything and and more often than not it's like you know advice from someone because i feel like i give pretty good advice because it's like look i've probably made all the mistakes you're gonna make i've I've been in every situation. You can hit me up. Call the donger. The donger will. I will be honest. So, yeah.

I feel like your first guess should be. So is your goal, before you ask your first guess, is your goal to give honest, good advice in those moments? Oh, and make it. I'm going to make it funny. Of course. Or try to. But, like, yes, I'm not going to. I'm going to make it funny.

Of course. Or try to. But like, yes, I'm not going to. I got the most complex question, and the guy might have been messing with me, but I wrote a serious answer. What was the question? Don't give it away. I'm not. I'm just going to say part of it.

Part of it was? Subsection A. What is the meaning Of conceptual performance art And And that's the first part Of the sentence And I answered the whole thing Yeah

Cause it's like I know what you're talking about man I'm right there with you I'm many times an idiot But I'm an educated man My parents are teachers When you pull a bong hit You pull a bonger

When you're asking about What is conceptual art You're pulling a donger If Pulling a donger That's You know when people do like Knock off Like conceptual art you're pulling a donger if there was pulling a donger that's you know people do like knockoff like well not that not that this is a knockout but you do two separate podcasts that are great in their own right but if i did like like ping bong or where one i'm just totally stoned totally stoned just trying to do it or what if you did half of it reg half of it normal and then the other half stomp. The other half. Like a Doug Benson album.

Yeah, exactly. Wasn't that one of his? 30 Days High and 30 Days Not? Why do we both look at Dan? I don't know. You should know Dan. We just did Doug Loves Movies. It was the most fun.

That was a really good time. Did his sketch fest. No, no. It was just a sketch fest. I had just come back from sketch fest. It was a meltdown. But it was so god damn fun That was a good time

But you didn't get high, right? Nope Me neither Everyone else was high Yeah Including the audience I think Well, no, I should say

Well, the audience, totally But at least Of course, Doug And Jeff Tate was Yeah, that's for sure I just roll up Every time I do a show with Doug And he's just

Share Anyone can You just walk up with him. Here's a joint. You want to hit this? Yes. It's community-based. It's community-based, and now it's legal.

And now it's half the people who were in the elevator with Brunger on the way down to his show. I mean, we said this on this show. Our last episode of this podcast was the live one we did in Madison, Wisconsin. When we were there, that, we came back to our hotel and there was... Oh, that guy was... It's winter. Yeah.

And there was a guy with his shirt off in the lobby. Bare chested, sitting in the lobby of a hotel. Oh. Hey!

I know you guys. Yeah. I know you guys are from something. The worst... Oh, that's the worst. I know you guys are from something.

Sucking us into the tractor beam of his own drunkenness and we were just like, nope, nope. Nope, you don't know us. You don't know us. That's tough. We're not anybody. We work for the hotel. I know you guys. Sucking us into the tractor beam of his own drunkenness. And we were just like, nope. Nope. You don't know us. You don't know us. We're not anybody. We work for the hotel.

We're not anybody. The one that might be slightly, it's better, but it's still just as bad, which I had last year, was coming back to an empty hotel. Empty. No one at the counter. Floor blanketed with crushed beer cans and empty pizza boxes. Blanketed. Somebody quit that.

Blanketed. And like, not that I want pristine treatment. No, but. You know, you guys, at this point in our careers, we get decent hotels. Yeah. Totally. And you think that a hotel like this, anything can happen. I'm like, is there a murder going on?

There are no locks on the doors. Nothing works anymore. Yeah. There's just, you get it. no locks on the doors. Nothing works anymore. Yeah. There's just, you get it. Nothing left in the freezer? Nothing. Nothing left in the,

like, the drink area? Yeah, no. You're like, did this place get robbed? Exactly. What happened? You could, like, be taken hostage by the PLO.

The Road Warrior era is just starting then. Oh, yeah. Just starting. I don't have a gun or a motorcycle. Right. You don't know how to

manage the apocalypse. Yeah, there's... I wasn't ready for this. You wasn't ready. I was just coming back from a set. I. You don't know how to manage the apocalypse. Yeah, there's... I wasn't ready for this. You wasn't ready. I was just coming back from a set. I still have two more sets tomorrow night. Well, let's jump into it because I love the stories that we have. Oh, I want to tell everybody.

So, yeah, just hashtag dumb people town for everything that you want to send in and I'll be able to find it just like we could. Thank you, guys. We see them. We see you out there when you send them in. This was sent in by Justin Roth at Joth11 J-O-T-H. He sent in before.

Oh, for sure. The man suspected of taking off his pants before stealing a luggage cart and driving it across the tarmac at Orlando International Airport bonded out of jail on Monday. Hasn't Orlando suffered enough?

Do we need this now, too? This asshole? The way it sounds, it's that he's just suspected of taking off his pants. Right, like they couldn't see him from inside the luggage cart. I'm going to drive that luggage cart across the thing. But I'm going to have to be free when i do it this story is just a sequence of people who said to themselves this is not my problem right yeah wait which by the way to me is the way having never been to the orlando airport that's the way i think the orlando airport operates it would just be our

problem it's not our problem you know when you have that long, there's that tunnel, that delta tunnel in LAX that if they roll up in the thing, they're like, you want to ride? You're like, hell yeah, and they shoot you down. The guy rolls up, just shriveled, naked penis there, belly hanging out, no shirt. Just talking normally.

Hey, you guys want to ride? I know you guys from somewhere. I would say yes. I know. I know I know you. Wait, he's talking to all of us, but he's only looking in my eyes. Why is that happening? And one of his eyes is dead. He's screaming you guys. He's looking only at me.

You guys. I'm talking to all of you. Nope, you're just looking at me. Also, I don't think you can take your pants off in Orlando because of the close proximity to Disney World. Like that. Does that make you a sex offender if you take your pants off anywhere in Orlando? That close to so many children. They're surprised if you have a shirt on.

Yeah. But if your pants are off, no. I'm going to probably get letters, but I'm pretty sure this is true. Did you know that Disney World is currently using less than a quarter of the land they own? Whoa. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. that disney world is currently using less than a quarter of the land they own whoa what yeah yeah yeah the rest i guess that's gonna keep the alligator reserve yeah yeah have you read a rodent kingdom by carl hyacinth that goes through he hates disney like he's a he's a florida boy and like writes really great funny novels anyway he's a journalist la la la but he has it's this whole book of collection of his essays that

uh i think in the um that just eviscerate yeah and and one of the things was quote unquote no one has ever died i'm making the quote sign in the in the disney kingdom in the magic kingdom and completely not well what they do is you fall down heart attack they pick you up and carry you to the parking lot before they start administering treatment. But that's Disney World. That's the rumor. I don't want to get sued. I think it's either one. Two boys, this is years ago, at Disneyland hid in Tom Sawyer's Island. And then when it was closed, they tried to swim back and didn't make it.

Oh, no. They found him the next morning. What? And now the two of them haunt the Matterhorn? No. That's why it breaks down a lot. They both are in the next morning. What? And now the two of them haunt the Matterhorn? No. That's why it breaks down a lot. They both are in the Yetis. I'm laughing because

you just made them haunt a different ride. Only, not, like, obviously not. Well, we gotta get to a bigger ride. But just, that's how finicky kids are.

Yeah, we died on this one, but that one's cooler, man. Let's go to that other ride. It's no fun haunting Tom Sawyer's. Have any of you canoed around Tom Sawyer's Island? No.

No. I have. I don't even know what that is. Now I won't. It's the island there. Do you have to operate the canoe? Yeah. What?

Yes. That's so much work. As a white guy, I'm ashamed to say that, but when you're in the canoe, can you use the N-word? No. I don't think you can, right? One of us. Straight out of Huckleberry.

I have the same thought. Knott's Berry Farm? Are my four white guys here discussing this? No. You cannot. For sure. You cannot. You want to add the bit about how they're changing it in books in certain places to slave Jim? Like that's somehow... Really? Like, come on. Leave it. And he's free! Yeah. He's a free man now.

He is? Can't call him slave Jim. That's a powerful word. Outside of the jail after being bonded. Richard H-O-G-H H-O-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H word outside of the jail after being bonded richard h h o g h ho ho ho ho ho ho it's like charlie huff charlie h h o g h ho ho ho there's someone with that last name listening pounding screaming screaming richard dick ho it's ho Richard Ho... Dick Ho. It's Ho. It's pronounced Ho. Dick Ho. All right. How dare you?

He was very matter-of-fact when asked what happened Friday by the reporter from an NBC affiliate, W-E-S-H-T-V. This is what he said. What happened? This is what Richard Ho said to them. Quote, don't do crystal meth. Ho repeated twice before adding, don't ruin your lives, kids. No one asked you to talk to the kids.

Somebody had an epiphany in jail. I guess. And kids, the guy, kids, don't do. Suddenly this just became all about me helping people. He's like, I found my mission. He's like, if I say kids at the end of this, does it reduce what's going to happen to me down the line? Does this count as me doing my community

service if I just say kids at the end? I know. That's what he's angling for. Do you want to hear the story of what happened? Please. On a Chicago-bound flight from Orlando, police say the Canadian citizen didn't see that coming, sat in an unassigned first class seat.

I'm good. This is my spot. I was in here first. You guys don't do stuff like that. Sir, I'm going to need to see a boarding pass. Oh, he wouldn't give one. Shotgun. We're detaining refugees and this guy's okay.

Yeah. Well, he wouldn't have given you a boarding pass because after being yelled at for sitting in a first class seat, he then claimed to be the okay. Yeah. Well, she wouldn't have given you a bony pass because after being yelled at for sitting in a first class seat, he then claimed to be the pilot. Oh! Yeah, I fought for him back here. You're going to yell at the pilot? You know, that is what's called a double bluff.

That is if you're really... You've leaned in. If you're a fearless poker player, you've got nothing. You double down. That is putting all of the chips in on a dumb bluff. It's putting all the chips in and then telling everyone

you're bluffing. Yeah. Because then they're like, is he bluffing? Does he have nothing? Because why would he put everything in and then tell us

he's got nothing? He definitely has nothing. I'll show it to you right now before you bet. I'll show it to you before you bet. No, no, don't, don't. I kind of hope

he would have had a set, the way I'm visualizing it, the way I'm, in a script we're writing right now, based on a true story, is, is,

is, no, this is my seat. And then, you know, obviously drunk. Do you have your ticket, sir?

I, I lost my hat. Your hat? What? My pilot hat. I'm a pilot. Like, I wish he had that thought.

Yeah. It kind of confuses you for a second. You're like, wait, what? It's all about the hat. Oh, shut up.

Because he, he, he realizes in his head, I have to say I'm the pilot. Fuck him. But I have to say I lost my hat. Right. And now I have to fly the plane. But alcohol calms my nerves.

Right. You can't win if you're not in the cockpit. So does crystal meth. I was just at the bar. So does crystal meth. Has he done meth yet? I'm the pilot. Yeah, I think he's already on.

He's on meth. Pants are still on. Yes. He was taken off the plane. Now, for anyone who's like me who read this or is hearing this and assumes that's the step before you get arrested, no, they took him off the plane and then just left him there. Oh. That's a mistake.

Then a cleaning service employee told police that Ha followed her onto a service elevator. Oh, no. Where she challenged him for not having an ID badge. I thought you were going to say she challenged him to an arm wrestling match. Yeah, to a duel. To a thumb wrestle. About that time, the elevator door opened, and witnesses say Hall got out, took off his pants, and walked into an airport area not accessible by members of the public.

So, so far, the flight attendants took him off the plane and said, this is not our responsibility. Not our problem push it down the line a woman on a service elevator challenged him for his ID he said I don't have anything let him get off

and walk away and go into an area take his pants off and walk into another restricted area she was like these mirrors aren't going to clean themselves

I gotta get going yeah it's not on me gotcha soundtracking it when he's on the plane his theme from Rocky of course I got on the plane yeah like I Rocky Of course I got on the plane

Yeah like I'm psyched I'm a pilot now These pants feel Kind of tight Sir get off They kick him off I walk alone by Green Day

That's your next one By himself That's the thing Where you walk This jet way here On the other side Just trying to figure out The next move

Wanders onto a service elevator Sure Match Which takes him down Loving an elevator? He sees the doors open to the tarmac where he wanted to go anyway. Screw the planes. I made it. I may fly on my own.

Cue Beastie Boys sabotage. As he tears his pants off basketball style and just runs. And you know what? They're not breakaways. And yet, he rips them away. Rips them down the side. Turn the frayed corduroy just into yarn. Yes.

Wasteband state. Police say Hoff hopped in the passenger seat of an airport luggage vehicle and told the driver of that vehicle he had to catch a flight. Of course he did. Pants off. I'm first class, baby. Did the driver stop him? No! The driver got out. Let him go. The driver's in the driver's seat.

That's how he gets that designation. He goes, if you got a flight to catch you, pants a son of a bitch, go ahead. Not worth it to me. At which part any Smash Mouth song starts to play. Somebody wants the big thing. He's just driving around to play. Somebody wants to be the best. Just driving around on the tarmac.

Walking on the sun. Any of them. Any of them. No one should know more than that. That guy jumped. The driver jumps out. Just jumps out. What's amazing is.

The smell. The smell coming off of his pores of crystal meth. The guy who was driving the car was actually the lead singer of Smash Mouth. That's what it is. May he rest in peace. Do you guys know Smash Mouth has a cookbook out? Yes. Something like Food from the Road.

Forward. There is nothing better than what I'm about to tell you. Forward. Forward. Written by Guy Fieri. Okay. Now here's what I was going to say. Why is there no...

Story checks out. Is that the most perfect... Marriage? Yes. It's bowling, short rock... If I were a lesbian chef and I had spiked blonde hair, I would definitely call myself Girl Fieri. Nice.

As you should. As I should. As you should. As you should. And I will... You know, it's pronounced Fieri, but his real name is Ferry. Is it? Is it really? And he just threw that little word flair in there that makes no sense.

I heard you say that. I'm like, why is Dan being pretentious? Nope. Not so. That's it. That's how you say it. You're actually doing it. That is absolutely a marriage made in heaven.

I think there are nights. And they've been singing it that way for 16 years. There are nights where a guy blacks out. Bam! Rolling out. There are nights where Guy blacks out and thinks he's a lead singer smash mouth, and vice versa. Lead singer smash mouth comes over and makes drunk food. Guys, we are rolling out. His wife's like, go to sleep.

It's a Tuesday. I can't believe Guy Fieri hasn't come up with his own version of sunglasses that you just wear on the back of your head. He has. You're not allowed to wear them front ways. When you say something like, guys, we're outside, it flips to the front. Yes. They find your eyes. They find your eyes. They're eye-seeking glasses.

Like a heat-seeking missile. Strictly Oakley's. You know when you're in a hotel and it takes too long to switch channels for some reason? In every hotel, there's four seconds of blank screen before the next channel. So eventually, I get tired of that. Yes. I stopped on some food channel, and it was a Guy Fieri supermarket sweep cooking challenge. Oh, yeah.

And two guys had to make burgers and Guy Fieri was like, now, what kind of burger are we going to make? And then on the floor is a map of the country and he gets a remote control car

and goes, where will this car stop? And then he just drove it three feet to the south and stopped. He goes, looks like you're making southern burgers.

And I thought, there was no random, you drove the car. You chose it. Yeah. Can't control this. Give me that controller. and I thought there was no random you drove the car you chose it yeah can't control this give me that controller Guy Fieri in college

would do the Ouija board with his friends and always spelled out Guy is the coolest I don't know why it's going where it's going what the spirits want

what the spirits have spoken guess I'm just the coolest roll out body so hops out this guy now is driving. Yeah, but there's another person that was like, sir, I'm not. When you see ambition like that in that guy's eyes, I think everybody just at one point

You're just in the way. I've got kids. Yeah. I can't. I mean, that's the thing. This isn't worth it. One of the biggest things people do, we've all done it, is you hear a story and go, man, if I was there, you know, everyone thinks they know what they do.

I don't know. When you're face to face with an absolute crazy man that has no pants on. Step away. It's just like, I missed my flight. You'd be like, well, then you should take this vehicle. That's fully insured. And they pay me 12 bucks an hour. Drive straight.

Yeah. This is the airport's fault for not caring about me. Exactly. For turning me into a freelance employee. And look, maybe you just had a nice cup of coffee. It's cold in Canada. And you're just like, you got a nice caffeine buzz. You're like, I want to watch this guy drive this right into the side of a luggage cart.

Sure. I want to watch him drive under a taxiing plane. That's what I want to see. Just jump to the wheel. And sheer off just the top of his head. Scalp himself and keep driving. Was that Commando? Where he jumps onto the wheel and then goes up into the plane?

Yeah, he times himself. Ridiculous. Police say the driver got out as Haag drove onto a taxiway towards an airport fire station. That's the most drug part. He's like, oh, a fire station. I'll get one of those big ones. A firefighter made

aware of what was happening, hopped on, I imagine while it was moving. Sure. On the back, on the very last car. Those are men in action. Yeah. Got the vehicle stopped and with other firefighters subdued Richard Hoch. During the incident, a spokesman for the Greater Orlando Aviation Authority says pilots were told to avoid moving their aircraft. So everything stopped in this entire airport.

No one saved steel tweeted about how annoying it was. But there was no overall interruption of flight operations. We're going to close out the story with this. Guys, how old is Richard Haag? Too much fun leaves marks in life. Living hard, you'll pay the price Who is gonna get it right? Guess the age, guess the age

This is good. I'm a fan of the show. And I know what you want to do. When price is right, you guess low. Dumb people town, you want to guess high. You want to guess high. It is always. I'm going to give you some reviewing points give us some goes by richard hawk canadian citizen

flying from orlando to chicago oh he's a canadian citizen is he doing business is he just making is that to his connecting flight referred to people as kids when telling them to not do drugs spry enough though to run around a tarmac, commandeer, whatever these things are. I have an idea. Luggage mover. Go ahead, Jay. 47 years old.

47 from Jason Sklar. Wrong. This is hard, man. It is really hard. I'm going to go 40. I think he took a magical trip, and he didn't realize that, you know, like in Canada,

they drink giant beers. You don't want to come have some American craft brews and pour two into one glass. He didn't realize that, you know, like in Canada, they drink giant beers. You don't want to come have some American craft brews and pour two into one glass. He didn't know. No, we drink this size of Molson's. Everything's Alembic. It probably started at the plane when they didn't have Labatt's. Right?

And now he's upset. Better do this rock right here. Side track question really quick before Randy answers. Does any airplane serve root beer? No. Not that I've ever seen it. None. Whatever one does, that's who's getting all my head. Sidetrack question real quick for rainy answers. Does any airplane serve root beer? No. Not that I've ever seen it. All right. Whatever one does,

that's who's getting all my business. Wisconsin air. Sprecher air. Or that awesome strawberry soda at KFC. Wait, is there awesome strawberry soda at KFC?

When I was a kid, yeah. Yeah. I don't think they have it anymore. I went and found it. We had someone else retweeted it. That's right,

you put a picture up. That's right. You found the picture up. That's right. You found the strawberry soda. Is it Fanta? Yeah. What was the day? We were all off. It was some Monday holiday.

I think I might go to KFC. Any suggestions? Yeah. And then Bronger and I can't remember who's there. Was it Jesse Thorne? And they said strawberry soda is the way to go. And he found it. Him and somebody else were all about it.

It was so good. Well, because it's like you're going to KFC. You're already obliterating your body. You can buy it by the jug there. Oh, Christ. Yes. Can you refill it like gasoline? I don't know if it's a big gulp.

In case your car breaks down like gasoline. All right, what's your guess, Randy? 52 years old. 52. Okay, Randy says 52. Oh, God, I hope you're right. Jason says 47. 47.

Bronner, how old are you? How old are you? I'm 42. Okay, so you went a couple years younger than you. I was going to do 40. Let's do 42. Okay, 42 you went a couple years younger than you. I was going to do 40. Let's do 42. Okay, 42 for Bronger. 47 for me.

52 for Randy. 52 for me. A 10-year range. Richard Hoch. You've not pronounced it right once. Not once. You pronounced Fieri right, but Hoch. Dick Ho.

Dick Ho. Is 27 years old. No! Oh, man. Bronger. How can we be so off? There's got to be a You still win.

a rule that doesn't, you know. You still win. Those are made for breaking. No, listen. I mean, at least that makes sense. The kids part makes it Thank God he's not 50. I mean, is he talking about

13-year-olds doing it? Kids, yeah. And he was old enough to think he could be considered a pilot. Remember, he told you don't do math. Kids. I think the kids thing

was like making a joke to the cops. I think it was, too. You know, stay at school, kids. Dance with everybody. As he's trying to stuff his erection back into his pants. Right. Because that's what's left of his pants. That he doesn't even feel.

Or take it out. He has an erection the entire time. Yeah, throughout this whole experience. I would get out of that luggage driving thing, too. Yeah, if I looked down and saw just even the slightest bit of hardness, I'm out. They had to de-ice that baggage thing. They had to de-ice his dick.

You can drive, but I'm staying in the vehicle. I just want to see where this goes. I want him to feel like he could have driven to Canada in that. Yes. Or Chicago. Cheered him on. Keep going, man. Don't go near those firefighters. They're going to stop you.

Turn right here. Go the other way. If you think hard enough, this will go off the ground. You can get this thing up. It's like a chitty, chitty, bang, bang situation for this guy.

I kind of like to think he was actually trying to be a pilot, A, and then B, find his own plane after they kicked him off. Sure. He did pilot something.

He did. Yeah. In the course of the story. All right. Well, let's take a break. First story down in the books. Dumb People Town. This is episode four.

I love it. Matt Bronger is with us. About soon to have Ding Donger. Ding Donger with Matt Bronger here on Feral Audio. We're the Skly Brothers. He's Daniel Van Kirk. We'll be right back. Stick around.

Make a sound for more Dumb People Town. all right everybody welcome back to dumb people town uh guys uh subscribe to it if you're listening to now rate it review it we love it if you want to follow us on Twitter, we're at Sklar Brothers. If you're in the Chicago area. Yeah, we've got two shows this Saturday night at Lincoln Hall, February 11th. Good place. I'm excited. We're shooting our special for CISO. Oh, nice.

Yes. Daniel Van Kirk is going to feature for us. I've made it my mission Friday night to get kicked out of Rock Bottom in honor of Matt Broderick. Are you really going to do that? Come on. Have you done that? Don't do it. Have you done that to me, too? It's not even worth it.

Go get kicked out of the empty bottle or somewhere fun. You're a Chicago. You came up in Chicago. I did. That's where I started out. In a great comedy class of people, I think, of the Kyle Cananes of the world. Pete Holmes. Pete Holmes.

Kamale. Kamale. TJ. What a great time. Was that a great time to be coming up in Chicago? Well, it's just this thing that I've tried to was To be coming up in Chicago It's just This thing that I've tried to put my finger on it But

And it's just two things One we had the The Lion's Den Which is an open mic Every Monday We never missed it And we always tried To do new stuff

You know I'm sure you guys Pushed each other too Yeah for sure It was just There was no pressure We didn't have any scouts No one gave a crap

About stand up There was one club in town It was all about improv It was all about sketch I was no pressure. We didn't have any scouts. No one gave a crap about stand-up. There was one club in town. It was all about improv. It was all about sketch. I was no longer doing improv, so it was like, that's kind of all I did besides wait tables and bartend. And we would just put up shows in bars and non-traditional venues so you could just kind of stretch out. And everybody could kind of geek out about the comedy they really liked. And then that whole crew of people moved on out. do you spend any time in new york or now uh i went to college

there but i didn't ever did any comedy not until i i'd already moved to la years after amazing uh well listen phenomenal again great class people and that's and we love that town i mean to do santa for us it is one of our favorite places to perform. Because you can, there are salt-of-the-earth people who are not necessarily pretentious about comedy. They just come. When I say pretentious about comedy, we love people who appreciate comedy. Sure.

But there are people who are uninhibited laughers. They're okay to give it up in that moment. There's a lot of, you know, self-possessment there. Like, people know who they are. Yes. And people are happy with who they are no matter what they're doing

and it's just everyone who lives there loves being there through those harsh, harsh winters. Yep. And there's so much... February 11th.

February 11th in Chicago. Yeah. That was smart. There's so much... Well, shit. They don't want to come out. You got to do something. That club is great.

I played it for the first time end of last year and it's just... I was like, oh my God. Are don't want to come out. You got to do something. That club is great. I played it for the first time end of last year and it's just, I was like, oh my God. Are you going there on this tour? No, I was just there like three months ago.

Oh, gotcha. Oh, that's right. I couldn't come back for like three or four months, but it's the best. It's such a great club. It's been a while since we performed

since Up kind of, I know they're coming back with a little bit of comedy, but since they kind of shut it down, it's been a while since we've been back to Chicago. Yeah, I was at Shuba's before.

Which is their other venue. Same people. Remember when we went to Shuba's, it was like five below. Oh, it was so cool. It was cold enough that people were like, yeah, this is going to keep people home. We were like, God damn it. We can't beat five below. We can't beat it.

That's tough. But very excited about that. So please come out to those shows with us and Dan. That'll be awesome. We can't beat it. That's tough. But very excited about that. So please come out to those shows with us and Dan. That'll be awesome. And follow

Bronger at Bronger. Just simply at Bronger. Are you on the road this weekend? Yeah. For your tour?

I'm going to be at Comedy Works South in Denver. Nice. Then I'll be in Vermont. Burlington? Yes.

At the Vermont Comedy Club. That's cool. Yeah, I've heard. I've heard. I'm psyched. That's awesome. And Toronto I've heard. I've never been. I'm psyched. That's awesome. And Toronto, the two weeks after that, the Comedy Bar, which is, you know, fantastic.

Comedy Bar people are terrible. I'm spoiled for February. Spoiled. Oh, dude, what a great, what a phenomenal family. Good run, man. Good run. And your fiance's cool with you traveling around and all this stuff? I mean, I literally, I name stuff out of what makes her laugh a lot of times.

And I was like, what about the enraged to be married to her? Because we're getting married. She's like, I love it. Let's do it. Because I feel like we're in this atmosphere right now where everyone's mad.

Everyone's mad. Even if you support the guy, you're mad about something. That's why you start supporting him. Everyone's mad. And most of us are mad about the right thing. Anyway,

but it's like, what are we supposed to do? We have to carry on. I'm not going to go out there and just do all stuff about what's going on, but there will be stuff here and there,

but at the same time, I know I'm an escapist. I love going and seeing comedy and just forgetting my job, forgetting my life. That's one of the beauty elements. And laughing at someone else's pain that I relate to.

Yes. So that's, so that's, if you want to see, if I'm coming to see you, come to your house. Yeah. Go to mattbronger.com. It's got all the gigs up there.

Check it. Yeah. Nice. All right. You want to do another one? Let's do it. Let's do it. Sent in by Stephen Elton Yates.

One of our favorites. Love this cat. Stephen E. Yates. He's a great man. S-E-Y-S-E-Y. We hung out in Manhattan a couple of years ago. Yeah, we did. We did.

We did. Love him. Springhill, Florida. We're still there Manhattan a couple years ago. Great dude. Love him. Spring Hill, Florida. We're still there. We can't get out of that. We can't get out of it. A Hernando County...

Let's put it this way. You mine for gold in the gold mine. Yeah. You don't mine for gold over in the 7-Eleven. Florida, anyone from Florida would know.

Yeah, you know, that's where it's from. Some of the best people I know in life are from Florida. Yes. A Hernando County woman was arrested on a charge of domestic battery after deputies say she hit her ex-boyfriend

in a fit of anger after seeing him kissing her mother wow i'm gonna show you guys a picture of her she also looks like a full-grown cabbage patch doll well yeah i mean yes yes she does well that does not look like the type, yes. Yes, she does. Well, that does not look like the type of person that could unleash. She does look like a cashier.

I've often felt like Jonah Hill is a fat guy with a skinny guy's face. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like that's what she's got.

Yes. She also doesn't look like the poster from the fire starter. Oh, God. Grown up. Still has the power. Yeah.

Her eyes look intense. Still has the power. Like in that photo right there, she could be starting a fire. I feel bad. I'm not... She's not necessarily fat. She has to have a wide face. No.

She looks like a cabbage patch doll. Yes, exactly. That's a great way to describe it. And the telekinesis. She could be super thin. She's adorable. Either way. She could set a barn on fire with George C. Scott in it.

Yeah. Just by thinking about it. Fernando County deputies responded to a report of a physical disturbance at a home on Shafton Road in Spring Hill someone got Shafton just before noon on Tuesday this is an afternoon fight

a noon on a Tuesday a nooner as we like to call it not on a Sunday when are people working they say that help me B-R-E-A U-N-A People working? On noon? When are people working? They say that... Help me. B-R-E-A-U-N-A. Bruna?

Brianna? Brianna. There's a U in here. Brianna. Brianna? Brianna. Brianna is a lovely barbarian name for a woman. Is it Brianna?

Nope. It's Brianna. That's every single time she goes to any government office. Brianna of the hill? Brianna? Nope. It's Brianna. Of the hill people time she goes to any government office. Brianna of the Hill? Brianna? Nope. Nope. It's Brianna.

Of the Hill people? Yeah. Her last name? Brianna Bolton. As of House Bolton. Oh, yeah. Michael Bolton. This fits right in.

We got a mom making out with your boyfriend in fistfights. She's in Westeros. Literally, this has become a Game of Thrones. Yep. That would be great to do a modern day Game of Thrones, just all shit happening in Florida. No dragons, just giant alligators. Yep. No kingdoms,

just big yards. Yep. 19 years old, Brianna. Brianna. Brianna. Told them she saw her mother sitting on her ex-boyfriend's lap, kissing him. Alright, so she's 36. The mom's gotta be 36, 37. She's 19. Right. She's 36 which the mom's gotta be 36 37 she's 19 right 19 and her mom's gotta be 36 37 i would say that's exactly what it looks like yeah if your mom is on

your ex-boyfriend's lap kissing bolton told deputies she started to cry when she saw them together that's rough then her ex-boyfriend stood up from the chair and Bolton told deputies she pushed him over the chair and punched him in the back of the head. Now, when he stood up, did the mom fall off? Yes, that would have been funny. Stood up with her not being ready and she falls off. If you get caught in that situation,

do you make a Santa Claus joke? I was just giving her what she wanted for Christmas. Do you make that joke just to try to break the tension? Did he hurt himself trying to slap something white and red onto his head? To try to pass. This is the part that makes this perfect for the county. Usually, I don't like domestic stuff. But a single punch is okay, especially if it's so weird as this.

Girl on guy. It does seem fine. That's sexist of me, I guess. guess it's not fine but here's what makes this fine ready deputies interviewed bolton's mother and ex-boyfriend who said they were sitting in the mother's bedroom hugging and kissing each other which is them i just imagine them defiantly like hell yeah yeah what's she gonna do about it hugging and kissing she didn't want Hugging and kissing. She didn't want him. She's my ex. She didn't want him. Yeah. Everybody's fair game. When Bolton saw them through an open window. Oh, my God. They say Bolton was yelling at them, then entered the room through the window.

Oh. She's outside. Oh. Whose joke was that? Was that Stephen Wright's joke? Stephen Wright's joke. I was a cesarean, baby. It didn't affect me at all, except now every time I leave the house, I go through the window. Phenomenal joke. I was a cesarean baby. It didn't affect me at all except now every time I leave the house I go through the window.

Phenomenal joke. Imagine the woman you've seen yelling at them through a window and they didn't get up. They stayed where they were while she What's she going to do? What's she going to do? Climb through the window? Yeah, she is. And she might be like phenomenally fast.

Right? People that are just, they have a quickness that belies their size. Like Bo Jackson. Like in movies, she just came through that window. She just came through the window with all the, like she started a fire at a barn and George C. Scott.

Look, this is an argument more than anything for screens. Come through this window. I'm sitting on the bed and kissing your mom. I'm sitting on the bed and beating my ass over this chair.

You have to have... Sorry, go ahead. Well, no. Chair in the bedroom tells me they have a lot of space. Yes. Not just the bed. Also Bolton. When a man loves your mother.

I know he didn't originally sing it. Percy Sledge. But he had a great cover. Yeah. He took it. He made it his own. Yeah, he did. And I still remember an ad

where I was with my dad and it was like, when a man loves a pizza. I remember that. And my dad was like, they won't leave anything good alone, will they? It's like a great dad thing

to say about fucking ass people. And there's a moment in there where you're like, is he talking about the song or pizza? Or pizza. What is he talking about? Are they defiling pizza?

What is that song? Dad, why did you like that song so much who cares about that song it's all slow and dumb this isn't men at work also there are times when you do love

a pizza that much oh hell yeah what are you saying they're not leaving 80% of the time not leaving pizza commercials I said this

Jason we're not doing this on this show you've never said it on this show I've never said it on this show. I've never said it on Dumb People Town. Okay, then you can say it. I can tell Bronger. I was at a party.

Oh my God. I was at a birthday party. He's a fan. He's probably heard this story ten times. There was delicious pizza on a stone slab. No, they did put it on a stone slab. I said, what is this amazing artisanal pizza? I have to ask the hostess of this party i

went over i said did you make this or from what gourmet i need to shop with an e on the end of it did you where in large pot village did you overpay for this and what man in a curly mustache delivered it to you in a chef's hat from a wood fire oven she said dominoes says dominoes in that moment i was forced to re-evaluate my attitude towards they got you when a child is a child like there was a moment i was like maybe it's conception i don't know i at this point i don't know that's how good that goddamn pizza was what was on it it? It was just a cheese pizza. It had these spices, this weird kind of garlic powdery spice on it that I couldn't place. And I was like, here we are in a moment.

I don't know if you guys have an exclusivity with Burger King that you couldn't do it. But the fact that if they don't hire the two of you to sit there we're from Michigan but I don't know if I can hang with their politics you're from St. Louis you can't hang with their politics

I can't hang with it you earnestly telling this story to camera while Randy sits next to you and shakes his head would be the best commercial ever

we could do it together I'm doing a new hour this year at some point new album new special I have like a 10 minute bit about taking mushrooms

on the 4th of July that has a part where I use the pizza tracker, the Domino's, and I stared at it for a good 20 minutes before I realized I never ordered a pizza. Why isn't it moving? You're just tracking other people's pizza. The little guy next to the oven is shrugging and looking around.

Shrugging. He'll do that if you wait too long. He's like, what's up, bro? What's up? I got the oven right here, man. All you gotta do is ask for it. I just picture you leaning into the computer being like, you already took hat enough.

I said pizza, out loud. It was that thing where you're trying to make your mouth work. Am I speaking out loud? Am know i'm only hearing this we we have these moments in our lives that like you're dealing with like heavy heavy crap or whatever i would say just just measure it next to that guy on a chair with your ex-girlfriend's mother on your lap kissing her thinking no one's gonna get in between this. Seeing a face in the window. Face in the window. Enough to scare you.

Hey, that isn't. Oh, no. Hi, babe. You son of a. And coming through like a spider monkey at you. Like, think of, just imagine the sinking feeling in him. By the way, there were so many moments for him to stop. This is a guy who's like, I'm going to do this no matter what. I mean.

He kind of gets what he deserves a little bit. It's like, at least stop. You have to understand that this is the woman's mother. Yes. You got to stop. They have to live like scenes from like a crappy version of Falcon Crest or some kind of soap opera. Not slanting.

Or like people stop by and be like, I noticed your screen door was open. Get out of here. You broke my daughter's heart. What do you mean? You won't give me a glass of lemonade? I guess one glass of lemonade would hurt.

You know, like, it's the thing, they both know what's going to happen. We all know it's going to happen. You're going to drink that all day? Although, you just reminded me, one of my first crushes,

Joan Van Ark, not Slanding. Oh, yeah. The woman has an iPad. Did you guys connect over the van? Yes. Bolton told deputies she and her boyfriend had dated for how long?

Now, I'm going to read the rest of it, and then I'll let you come back to it. They had just broken up three weeks ago. She became very upset when she saw them. Guys, how long? This is jumping through a window. I don't even know if we have a jingle for this, but how long were they dating? I'm going to say it's going to be a ridiculously short amount of time. Okay.

This seems like an overly possessive, inappropriately possessive person. He instantly was hooked onto the mom and ended with her quickly. Two months. Two months from Jason Sklar. They had just broken up three weeks ago. Okay, okay. Two months. Are you a Matthew or are you just a Matt?

I'm Matthew, yeah. Yeah. Under Christ, yes. Gotcha. Four, 16. Let's see. I'm going to say they made it a whole year. Okay.

I'm going to say that if you asked him, they never were dating. Ooh, that's a good answer. You know what I'm saying? They were never. And they totally were. And they totally were. He's so full of it. She had a toothbrush in his house.

What? He was dating? I told her to take it away. He was taking numbers weren't dating. I told her to take it away. He was taking numbers the whole time. I told her to take that thing away. Anytime she talked about where are we, what are we doing. Why do we have to define everything? Would you stop?

You're making me. I'm going through so much at my job at the tire store. Let's just have fun. The tire store. Let's just have fun. Let's not label it. Let's just have fun with it. Let's not label it. Let's just have fun with it. Pet boys will be pet boys.

You may be right because, I'm talking to Randy for the listener. You may be right because the quote comes from her. So I only have the information to go on. However, her side of it. She told deputies that she and her ex-boyfriend had dated for one and a half years. Wrong her. Wrong her half years. Wronger. Wronger. Nice.

Wronger. So when she was 15. Does it say how old? She's 19. She was 17. He might be 19 too. I don't know. I don't know.

I'm guessing he's 34, but he could be. He feels like he's 19. I'm guessing he's older than the mom. Yeah. It's possible. It makes more sense. It's age appropriate. Brianna. Brianna. Get back here. It's possible. It makes more sense. It's age appropriate. Brianna.

Brianna. Get back here. It's Brianna. Brianna. Nope. It's Brianna. He's arguing that you know I get drunk a lot.

Of course I mix you two up. Get out of the probe. Get out of the probe. It's Brianna. No one said your name. Oh. Nissan? Was that how you made the probe?

Yeah, that would have been it. Nissan Rogue. Probe. It's Nissan Juke. It's pronounced Bruna. Bruna? Just Bruna. Bruna.

Deputies say Bolton's ex-boyfriend suffered minor injuries to his arm and the back of his head was red from being punched, which means it's shaved. I'm sorry. Yeah. Bolton was arrested on charged with domestic battery and booked into the Hernando County Jail. But look. That's it. If they're bumped red on the back of his head.

That's not enough to book someone into jail. There's something funny about someone getting punched in the back of the head by a girl. Especially if they've been knocked over in a chair. Logistically, you would have to turn as you fall. But I'm saying, I'm saying, there is so much time when a person is coming through a window. That's what I'm saying. To say, to get up and move. window that's what I'm saying to say to get up and move

to be like I'm gonna stop to just be in a situation this guy definitely did not think he was gonna be punched she knocked him over the chair

knocked him out and then when he was face down she punched him in the back of the head part of me really hopes she moved into the ground and pound

she obviously does UFC she's like let's let the referee punch the back of his head until they called it she got a great ground game she dumped him She moved into the ground and pound. She obviously does UFC. She's like, let's let the referee go the other way. Cardi hopes to go the other way. And punch the back of his head. Punch the back of his head. Until they called it.

She's got a great camaraderie. She dumped him. I hope it goes the other way around. And you know what I think it is? I think mom was wearing her favorite frilly sundress, which, come on, is secret. The whole neighborhood knows this. We know it. We know it.

It's not called a sundress. It's not supposed to be called because it makes the sun go through and show your finger. Is that a nightgown? So what happened was, you know, they got into it a little bit. Sure. And there's a technique. If you have ever studied protest techniques, which is something all of us need to know, is when the police is like, please disperse, you go limp.

Yeah. Because it's really hard to move you. That's right. So what mom did was just clench onto him and just put her weight into him where he's trapped. So you think he's trapped. I think the mom was like,

he's mine and you're not going anywhere. You broke up with him. And she thought with the force of her motherhood she could keep her daughter on.

No, no, no. No. He gets away just in time to get knocked over a chair and down. I just think through the window

is really my favorite. My favorite, literally, if we could see one moment it would be the moment she started yelling at them from outside and the time that they didn't move while she climbed through

a window. It's really amazing. I think she's getting more and more mad when she's like, I can't believe they're not moving. And they didn't even get up because he's knocked over in the chair. They didn't even get up. What are you going to do? Yeah. You're going to stop this? Those moments where you sense you're in danger and you should just run. Don't tell yourself you're crazy.

You know something bad's gonna happen. Get out of there. Maybe he doesn't have a fight or flight inside of him. The heart wants what the heart wants. You can't deny this, dude. That's true. That's what he wants. He's only gonna want the mom even more. Alright, that's segment two, down in the book. Dumb People Town. We're living in it, guys.

It exists all around us. Enjoy it. Engage with it. We'll be back with more Dumb People Town. We're living in it, guys. It exists all around us. Enjoy it. Engage with it. We'll be back with more Dumb People Town right after this. Stick around. Make a sound for more Dumb People Town. All right, everybody. Welcome back to Dumb People Town.

Thanks for joining us for this show. Everyone who's jumped on, if you haven't heard the earlier shows, go back and listen to those. Rate them and review them. We love it. We've got one final segment, and then we have a voicemail. Hollywood's been under attack. We know that. The elites.

The elites in Hollywood. Which, by the way, like, people, I was listening to people describing, like, the NFL describing players from the draft. He's an elite wide receiver. Like, do you want someone who's, like, elite people should be in certain positions? Sure. Do you want somebody who can't handle G-Force to be, like, flying to Mars? No. You need an elite human being to do stuff.

Yeah, this isn't Armageddon. When did this become a bad thing? I cannot believe that the rules got changed. That's just dumb people being really smart. The dynamic has always been like, we love an outsider. We like someone that's... It's like, yeah, nobody likes someone that's corrupted by the system they're in. Sure.

But it's like, you don't need an outsider every time. You want an expert. No. Let's get the battle. Too elite. Too elite. Too elite. So who is it?

We've got Johnny Depp has left a voicemail for us. He is pretty elite, though. He's kind of, well. As far as acting goes, it's annoyingly. Anyone who's addicted to that many scarves. Yeah. You know. That and just the fact that he just completely, in many ways, almost erased the original Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

Yeah, not from my heart. Oh, really? You thought the remake was better? Yep. Wow. I'm joking. Brogger, I want to ask you before we get into the last story. How far in the process of your ceremony and your wedding are you in?

Like, where are you doing it? What part of the country? Yeah, we're doing it? What part of the country? Yeah, we're doing it in Portland in the fall. We got the guest list more or less locked,

a small wedding. Yeah. We're going to do, we're going to do. It's going to be on CISO? We're going to do, yeah. It's still up in the air.

It's still up in the air. They're negotiating. It could be on Netflix. Netflix might acquire your wedding. Yeah. Good to know. It's great. You know,

she's going to get drunk and punch me in the mouth and that's what they're counting on. That's right. Thank God you'll be sitting in a chair to receive that. Exactly, right. Kissing her mom.

Taking off the garter with my teeth. Kissing her mom. Kissing her mom. We're just going to do Portland City Hall. We have a family friend who's a judge that I grew up with. And then the next day we'll do reception, and then people just go to reception. So no church, none of that jazz. Gotcha.

Fantastic. And no jazz either. Oh, no jazz? You say none of that jazz. Fantastic. No jazz either. Oh, no jazz? You say none of that jazz? Some jazz. Let's say strictly smooth jazz. None of that jazz. None of that jazz.

None of all that jazz. The jazz that we know. No Miles Davis, no Coltrane. No big Fosse numbers. No people need to memorize Fosse numbers in their wedding. None of all of that jazz.

Just Kenny G, like a lot of Kenny G. A lot of Kenny G. Just a little bit of soft. None of this jazz. A little bit of like late 80s Sanborn. A guy blowing into a saxophone,

eyes tightly closed with a kind of smirking look of I'm having way too much fun right now playing. Can you believe this? Can you believe this is happening right now? Can you believe how hot it is? I'm sweating so much

in a sleeveless shirt. Thank you. We are hot sacks. Is the reception taking place at that carpeted bar you took me to? No. Oh, God. Carpeted bar? No, the Sandy Hut, a.k.a. you took me to? No. Oh, God.

Carpeted bar? No, the Sandy Hut, a.k.a. the Handy Slut. Yeah. We're not doing it there. We're not doing it there. Brogher took me to a carpeted bar. We watched Michael Sam get drafted. It was a beautiful day.

That was great. It was right up the street from the hotel. Yeah, it was like, after your barbecue. Yeah. Carpeted bar. I'll always take a carpeted bar. They had one of the best dive bar themes. Carl Hess and I wouldn't stop laughing the time we went.

And it was just, it's Gentleman's Day. What? Is that a day? Of course it is. There's nothing with single sad men getting drunk in the afternoon. Gentleman's Day. But you know why? It's not because their lives are sad.

No, it's because they're gentlemen. It's Gentleman's Day. They're taking advantage of. It's that thing where it's so sad and so aware of its own sadness gentlemen's day gentlemen's day we even have a place you put your monocles and top hats gentlemen right over here when you're having your boozy breakfast yes do you stay so have did you have a hand in planning a lot of the wedding or no yeah oh sure decisions come your way totally totally okay i mean she had certain things she wanted and stuff, but, you know. You're like, whatever. Whatever. Sure.

Yeah. All right, whatever. I love it. Nice. It's a headache, sure, but it's great. It's whatever. I'm happy for you. Brandon, where did you get married?

I got married out here in L.A. This is now so long ago. I got married out. Before it was called L.A.? Yeah. Before it was called. Oh, okay, cool. They call it Hollywood land.

No. yeah oh okay cool they call it hollywood land no uh i got married in uh 2001 uh way out by the ocean there over at the bel air bay club which is a place we rented out nice super nice overlooking the ocean where'd you get married jay uh santa barbara oh santa barbara near the ocean too it's nice you're in california why wouldn't you do that if you stay in california for i get out by the ocean or drive up like highway one which I know you've done that before. Yeah, I'm doing it again this year. I'm doing it next month. That's the moments where you say to yourself,

yeah, I understand why people have this mystical connection to this place. No one can really explain it to you until you've done it. It is a worthwhile, that drive. I did it last year and I'm running i'm running another mini rv and i'm doing it again mountains on one side like thousand foot drop to the ocean on the other side it's not an exaggeration it is a thousand foot drop down the other you're aerosmithing 500 feet down to the other side truly truly just i everything about it you loved doing it every i don't know have Have you been to any weddings where someone's done something hilarious that works?

No. I've only seen hilarious things go misfire. Dave Lyons, who, you know, does Yacht Rock radio,

he, he, he did this at the altar, this really, really moving thing. Just like these, these vows about like,

every time I come home and I see your car, I get happy. It was like this really sweet, sweet. i was like like tearing up sure to see my friend so happy and then michelle's like and i right then sexy sax man runs down the aisle just blaring his sax which is billowing purple smoke cutting her vows off standing at the altar just sag solo humping the air with his sax, no shirt, and then runs away. And then she just went right into her vows.

So I went from crying to laughing so hard I was crying. Perfect. No way. But then it cut her off. It's great. Well, she planned it. No one knew but her and his dad. Hilarious.

Nobody knew. God bless her. Not the justice to peace, nothing. That wasn't a crashing person. That was a set up moment. That was perfectly, perfectly planned. Sorry, to double up, Dave is a location manager, and he's worked with Terrence Malick and Tom Cruise and all these people,

and he was working on a Christian Bale movie, and they kind of had a little friendship going, and he's like, I'm getting married, and Chris is like, oh, mate, you're married? Oh, all right. He's like, when are you getting married? And he's like, Saturday. He's like, you should come and object. And he's like, I'm getting married. And Chris is like, oh, mate, you're married? Oh, all right. He's like, when are you getting married? And he's like, Saturday. He's like, you should come and object.

And he's like, what time is it? What time is the wedding? And he's like, is there a thing? He's like, I'm doing, oh, I'm doing the, he's doing some charity thing. He was going to show up in a suit. And object. And object. And like, Bruce Wayne.

Yeah. Why? How amazing would that be? Anybody here? Because instead of what he's like, I object. You're like, who's the asshole? By the way, that moment to me feels like that gives too much power to the people. Sure.

You know what I mean? People don't use it, but it's out there. What if you don't object? You don't think this is a good union. That's a weird feeling. It opens it up in a way that I don't think. But then you don't have to honor it. They're not saying you have to honor it.

Yes, you do. Oh, it's binding? Yes. If it's an objection. You can just fucking leave it. You can just throw a monkey wrench right in someone's relationship. Cousin Dennis doesn't think we should be doing this. This is over. I don't like her. Shut it down. Order is back. Go back to the kitchen. Everybody who just had an hors d'oeuvre, spit it back up.

Cousin Dennis says no. Get those caps out. Get those mushroom caps out. We're done. We're done. I want my deposit back. In the back of the room. Who had some satay? Who had some satay? Bring it back. Bring it back up.

All right, you want to do a final story? Let's do a final story. Sent in by StageDad at M-I-L-A-E-G-E-R. Mileager. Yeah? Mileager. M-I-L-A-E-G-E-R. 05.

Thanks, StageDad. Charlotte County. This is fitting. I didn't even think about this. North Carolina? Scout's Honor. I did not think about this. Is this North Carolina?

I'm assuming. It was supposed to be the best day of their life. Oh. Should be lives, but that's okay. Their life. Their life together. The best day of their life. Sure.

Instead, their maid of honor got arrested and is facing several charges from a wedding day gone wrong. The Charlotte County ceremony has been described as beautiful. But when the reception kicked off, the maid of honor, Amanda Willis, hit the bottle hard and almost hit the best man with his own car. What? Yeah. How is the car coming into play? This wedding has

derailed. The wedding pictures tell a story of a content couple, Brian and Jennifer Butler. They had their cake and their first dance

and ate it too. While Willis started drinking. In my mind, there are wedding photos of them dancing and everybody standing

around and her just with a bottle of jenison. Look, this is the movie Katherine Heigl wanted to make. That's right. This is the one just with a bottle of jenison look this is the movie Catherine Heigl wanted to make it's alright this is the one

she should make 27 jenison this is what it should have been 27 messes here's one of them there's two weird stages where she's holding

her own bottle of jack and everyone's laughing and then 20 minutes later when it's half empty and no one's laughing no one's laughing oh my god

everyone keeps there's like a her keeps running up very close. Stop it. Stop it. There's a 60-something-year-old woman holding another equally aged man's arm in the background as he's trying to... Don! Don!

Don! Don! Don! I'm going to talk to her. All these people are reaching out at her and she's holding the bottle away from him. Three different people are trying to bring her coffee. Just spit coming out of her mouth. One, two. Hey, you need to are trying to bring her coffee. Right. To spit coming out of her mouth. One shoe.

Hey, you need to come to the bathroom right now. No. You need to go to the bathroom right now. Her mother's speaking in clipped scary sense. Stop it.

Stop it. I just peed. Come here. Yes. Very clipped. Very clipped. I need you to stop what you are doing right now.

Teeth are not open. You will stop it. Amanda Willis. Right now. I've talked that way to my kids. Right now. Somebody's saying, open. You will suffer. Amanda Willis. Right now. I've talked that way to my kids. Right now. Somebody's saying, what's wrong with Aunt Mandy? And just throws the half full handle bottle of Jack.

By the way, that's... That just basically sloughs half the cake in half. Like it hits the cake and it friths. Just this cake just... Jack? Yes. This is going to happen at your wedding.

It's completely quiet when that happens. Just one tear. Who of your friends will do this at the wedding? You'll clearly hear the cake. Kinane, obviously. Kinane will halve my cake.

Yes. Just one tear. With a box of natural light that he brought through sideways. We're not supposed to bring swords? Hey, man, no, we have beer. You don't have to bring

your own beer, Kyle. Thought we were doing a marine deal here, brother. I'd bring them over. I ordered a pizza. You all right with that? Thought we were doing a marine deal here, brother. I'd bring him over. I ordered a pizza. You all right with that? Thought we were doing a marine deal. What kind of cake is this?

Meatball? That would be a great cake. Meatball cake? Meatball and vanilla frosting. Oh, my God. You have to do that. I know you said Jack Daniels, but quote, this is from guest Robert Templeton, not what she was drinking.

Quote, she was a mess. She drank almost an entire bottle of Fireball. Whoa. This is a woman who does not mess around. This is a woman who doesn't give a shit about her throat. This is a woman who thinks wild turkey is too nice. That is a liquor that has been recalled for having a chemical in it that is akin to...

Letter fluid? What do you call it? Battery acid. Battery acid, yes. And defrost. Four loco would have been safer. Antifreeze. This is a girl who also still loves Everclear.

Oh, yeah. Tons of us. The band and the drink. What is a Long Island if you don't have a floater of Everclear at the top making it a nuclear tea? Did you drink Everclear in high top, making it a nuclear tea?

Did you drink Everclear in high school or anything? We drank it in college. College. We were doing it in high school. Jungle juice. You pour it into a giant trash can, put so much Kool-Aid in it, it masks the flavor completely, and just get wrecked. Wrecked. For no reason. I will also tell everybody, because I love Drunk Daniels, but it's also true.

Just call it Drunk Daniels. Yes, it should be. Fireball whiskey is the lowest fireball whiskey is a very low form of whiskey that they add food coloring to and then the cinnamon flavor to mask which is why if you drink a shot or more than a couple shots you will feel horrible the next day yeah jack daniels if you ever do like cinnamon i will tell you jack danielss Fire Whiskey is 100% Jack Daniels through and through. Then they put cinnamon flavor in. So you will not be nearly as... Good to know.

Are you trying to get a sponsorship deal with Jack Daniels right now? I have one, actually. Oh, my God. I did not know that. Yeah. I've moved up. So no one is telling you to stop. Fair point.

But a wedding isn't difficult. But the fireball bottles, a lot of them are plastic. Which, on the go, I like to drop my bottles. Let's just say I do. I drop my bottles sometimes. You are going to drop it. We're dropping bottles tonight, guys! That's not how the saying goes. We're dropping bottles.

Just shattering champagne. Boom, boom, boom. But my question is, how does she get access to a full bottle of Fireball? That's a good question. How? How does that happen? She alerts with the bartender. Is that it? Give me this, I'm going to Yeah, but my question is, how does she get access to a full bottle of Fireball? That's a good question. How? Yes. How does that happen? She flirts with the bartender.

Is that it? Like, give me this. I'm going to did it for the bride. Quote from Jennifer Butler, the wife. I'm going to did it for the bride. Give me a bottle right there. I'm going to did it for the bride. And she requested.

She said she wanted the Simamun one. Yes, Simamun. Simamun. Give me some of the water. Jennifer Butler said, quote, she was drunk within 20 minutes to half an hour. Of course. That's impressive. Willis started asking people for their keys.

Who's got keys around here? Because she does not have her own car. I'm going home. Who has their own keys around here? She just went up. This is Templeton, the guest, Robert. She just went up to the best man and grabbed his keys out of his pocket then jumped in his car. That is not how fast it happens.

No. Someone let this play out. Yeah, this is like going through a window. Right. A lot of things have to happen. You mentioned soak up the night. This is what she wanted to do.

She needed to hit that drunk level. But in order to soak up the night, she would have had to have eaten the entire cake. Right. All of it. There's no good starchy,

trans fat laden food you need when you're that wedding cake there's no jack-in-the-box served at that wedding she needed her jack-in-the-box guys i was at a wedding this summer it was in downtown super la super swanky wedding yes we're like i don't 80 floors whatever one of those like u.s.S. Bank building, whatever those. Gorgeous. They had, like, musicians for the cocktail hour. And then I identified one of the bartenders as being the one guy there who could really make a drink. And everything was top shelf. All right.

How did you identify that? Because I'm watching these other guys bartend, and they're like, what's in that? And just with other people. But this guy was a machine. So I waited longer for him. I go, I want two Dongaret reposado margaritas on the rocks no salt this guy is making the best drinks and i'm pounding these double then

then they start walking around with champagne we start drinking those yeah then we get into our area right you haven't even sat down to eat no i've got two drinks the groom comes in and i go hey man because i'm lit already. I'm like, I'm like, got you. One of these was waiting for you. He's like,

thanks so much. We're drinking with him. Then we get into the reception. We sit down and I go, let's go find our guy. And there's two bars on either end of this room. Okay. I go,

let's go find our guy. Cause he's not at the bar by us. And we are tucked way in the back, which I found. Yeah, no, you're the guys that are like, we just let him get drunk my group of friends the first class holes every single wedding we're always in the back corner kyle kissick's wedding they there was a

christmas wedding they had 25 christmas trees and his mom mother-in-law came up to us the day the one he's like i had a nightmare last night that all of you guys got drunk and pissed in these trees and i go you should not have given us that idea. That is a great idea. It's happening. Back at the summer wedding. Self-fulfilling prophecy. My buddy and I go, we're like,

let's go to the other bar. We walk across the empty dance floor. Nothing's happened yet. The wedding party's not even there. We get over there. Bartender, not there. Another bar.

I go, where's the guy we had? And then I see him off to the side and he goes, did you need something? I go, yeah, I thought you were a bartender.

He's like, I'm the manager. And I go, oh, okay. I had? And then I see him off to the side. And he goes, did you need something? I go, yeah, I thought you were brought to bartending. He's like, I'm the manager. And I go, oh, okay. I think his name was Jorge. I think I go, Jorge, I just wanted to give you 40 bucks and say we appreciate all you're doing. If you could just take care of us for the night. He goes, what do you want? And I told him, same order.

He goes, I got you. At this point, the wedding party starts getting brought in. And now we're stuck on the other side. And my buddy says to me, I got some edibles if you want one. Oh, no. And I go, yeah, why not? Here we go. Hell yeah.

Here we go. Hell yeah, I do. So he goes, just have half of one of these. And I go, I'm in. So I take half of it. And then we're waiting there. And they bring in all the wedding party. And then they're about to announce the bride and groom.

And the power goes out. Oh oh only after you eat the right and so now people are like oh but they want to like clap to bring them in but the they are not the bride is like i am not walking on until they're playing the song that we ended everybody's cheering them in she refuses we go out into the waiting area to be like let's go see how that we walk out there is an ice storm happening with the bride and groom because she is so upset. So we go back in. It's her day.

We walk across the dance floor. But on your wedding it's going to be your day. Yes, just mine. To many cheers. And then we sit down with our drinks.

The moment we sit down, Jorge comes around with another round of margaritas. Oh my God. God bless you. Then we have, every table has

their own waiter and he's like, where did you guys get these margaritas? We're like, oh, man. I don't know. Jorge is taking care of it. He's like, that's dope. I go, hey, can I ask you a question?

He goes, what? I go, you want an edible? And he's like, sure. Jorge? No. To the waiter. Yes. So now we're getting our waiter high with us.

What? And then everybody at our table starts taking the stuff. Oh, God. About an hour later, I am in the middle. This is how it still lives in my memory, to the greatest wedding DJ of all time. Oh, God. About an hour later, I am in the middle. This is how it still lives in my memory, to the greatest wedding DJ of all time.

Of all time, yeah. He was taking, like, Seeger songs and Steely Dan and mashing them up with, like, current beats. Yes. Just, like, a beat under it. Yes, he should have.

Which got the young people out there and everybody's aunt and uncle out there. Fun. At one point, I start dancing with the, they're doing, like, a circle dance around the bride and groom but it's

like a fun fast paced like michael jorah okay and i got it in my head you know what these two need right now oh god me no they need me out there dancing with them and so i jump in and for an entire song just dance with the groom and then are you holding each other's hands and spinning in a circle yeah all of it all of my date goes the bride is so pissed off at you right now no yeah she's and then yeah and then i just i just keep dancing keep dancing about 11 o'clock i'm like the only thing i want to do right now is leave i left that wedding before 10 o'clock at night but it was one of the best that i've ever i don I don't know if that DJ is as good as I remember. Do you know how you got home?

Probably not. Yeah, I walked. It was while I was living downtown. Oh, my God. It was wonderful. That's great. So what happened? I'm just saying, maybe your wedding, edibles to pass?

Past edibles? No. No. Wait, so she jumps in the car and- Yeah, I derailed all of it. No, I love it. That was a great story. Geez, I want to be in that night with you.

Yeah. She was a mess. She drank all the fireball. Oh, she ran up to the best man. This is another thing, too. If he's the best man, when you're wearing a tuxedo, do you ever have your keys on you? No. Should have been valet parked.

I'm more lucky if I remember to bring my ID in case I get asked for it by the wedding bartender. If she grabbed my watch chain, I occasionally have my keys. Fair enough. Off your waistcoat? I occasionally have my... Fair enough. Off your waistcoat? To credit, the best man was working as the janitor there, too, so he had a ring of keys. So many keys.

She just took the whole ring off him. A lot of jangling. She runs. She jumps in his car. Willis backed out and almost hit the best man, Brian's brother, the brother of the groom. Oh, my God. He grabbed onto the car and held on.

Bad idea. How drunk is he yes i think he's in the window because she said this isn't like a bull or a cat or this is templeton the guest he said she took off his feet were dragging across the ground am i the only person picturing gravel yeah he had to hit the e-brake so he must have been half in the window half out as she's driving around. Oh, God. A guy in a tux hanging out with a bridesmaid crying, right?

We're all picturing crying. Oh, everyone's crying. Screaming. And I think we can agree that that man is at least probably half in the bag. Yeah.

He's drunk. Oh, he's drunk. But he's sober enough to be like, no one's driving. He's sober enough to be like, no one's driving,

and drunk enough to be like, I'm going to hold on to this car, reach in, and just get the brake. He's sober enough to be like, no one's driving, and drunk enough to be like, I'm going to hold on to this car, reach in, and just get the brake. He's trying to Indiana Jones this shit. No, this is a scene from Point Break. Full on liquid, just full of liquid courage. This is Point Break.

Full of liquid courage. He's like, I can stop this car. I can stop this car. I know exactly how to do it. And he's like, I know a lever that's in every car that stops a car. You might not know about it. It's called an emergency brake. We all know about it.

Or an e-brake. E-brake. To gearheads like me. Yes. Thank God it was a thing that you a car. You might not know about it. It's called an emergency brake. We all know about it. Or an e-brake. E-brake. To gear heads like me. Yes. Thank God it was a thing that you pull up. Yeah. And not a pedal. And not like on the floor.

They push. No way to reach down. She's like, you son of a bitch. You son of a bitch. Why? Guess. We know why she left? Guess wrestled Willis out of the car.

Should be the end of it right there, right guys? Yeah. You wrestled her out of the car. You wrestled her out of the car. It can the end of it right there, right guys? You've wrestled her out of the car. It can't stop there. Quote Jennifer Butler, the bride. She went back inside, grabbed a big bottle of Captain Morgan and guzzled it just like this. Which I'm picturing the bride reenacting also drinking a bottle. She grabbed a bottle of Captain Morgan and guzzled it just like this. From whom?

Put one foot up on something a little bit higher. One bartender has been on break. Whistled the old spice theme. Not the same product, but it kind of goes together. Ready for the next sentence? Quote. Then they say it landed on her shoulder. I'm sorry.

Oh, stop. She drank the whole bottle. What if she had one fake leg? I'm just going to say that. Just by random. Sorry. Amanda Willis. She drank the whole bottle. What if she had one fake leg? I'm just going to say that. Just by random. Sorry. Amanda Willis then removed her fake leg. That's where all the Captain Morgan's going, into her wooden stump.

Quote, quote, then they say she got violent. Then she got violent. Not the attempted vehicular homicide. Nope. As soon as I turned around, she came up and cracked me upside the face, Templeton said. I don't think that's the term. He said he swung back before he knew what was happening. That's his defense.

That's his saying. I didn't realize it was a woman. He was golden gloves in high school. It's sense memory. He knew for sure it was a woman. He didn't see a dress. He knew for sure it was a woman, and he's like, I'm going to punch this bitch out. And literally, his thing afterwards is like, I have to adjust my story to be like, I didn't know what was coming at me, and I just swung.

Clean hook to the body. Cut her right in the breast. Jenna Templeton, quote. Did body work on her? He didn't even go to the face. He just turned away. Head body. Head body.

He ducked her straight right. Jenna Templeton, quote. It was insane. Absolutely insane. Which is also what I hope they promised on the invitation to this wedding. It was gonna be insane, guys. Absolutely insane. Deputy said Willis claimed

to be having an asthma attack. That's what started it. That's what did it. And started, I think this is when they arrested her, and started shaking as if she were having a seizure. They took her to Bayfront Putagorda, where she exposed herself to deputies. What do you guys want?

I'm sure we can come up with an arrangement. I thought that Captain Morgan's was my inhaler. She exposed herself to deputies, assaulted two medics, and kicked over her bedpan, according to the sheriff's office. Was there anything in it? Had to be. Had to be.

Oh, it was full. Full. And not a figure. Had to be. Oh, it was full. Full. And not a figure. Robert Templeton, quote, she had to be her maid of honor, and it was a bad decision. Yeah? Yeah. While Willis was supposed to be the bride's best friend, Jennifer Butler said the two are no longer friends, believe it or not. What?

This arrest is Willis' ninth in Charlotte County. She faces charges of larceny, battery, grand theft of a motor vehicle, and violation of probation. Grand theft auto. Wow. Charlotte. When you go to pick your maid of honor or your best man, Matt Bronner.

Check the priors. Check the priors. Check the priors. I mean, look. Everybody deserves a second chance in life. We've all had the person in our lives that's just faulty. And you're kind of like, but I know them. Don't give that person

responsibility. Let her be an usher. Let her usher people in. Working out with the bartender, every time she orders a drink after the first one. Water it the fuck down. Or just tell her, we're just doing vodka tonics. It's just soda water and lime. She won't know. She's not going to know. She is not going to know.

Who wrestles her out of a car she tried to kill someone and then goes, go back into the bar. The same people work at that airport. It's the same people. Not my problem. Charlotte or Orlando. Yes. And the Southern Eastern Seaboard.

Let the buck stop with you. Was the bride one of those people that wants really elaborate bridesmaid dresses? So she's out there looking like psychopath little Bo Peep. Just burying punches in his face. Tons of lattice work on her chest. Puffy dress. And you know there was one drunk guy that way that goes, there goes my shot for the night.

I saw her putting away. I was like, hey. He'd been eyeballing her since the rehearsal. I'm good here. I'm good here. And it's that thing of a blackout drunk waking up the next. I was like, hey. He'd been eyeballing her since the rehearsal. I'm good here. I'm good here. And it's that thing of a blackout drunk waking up the next day and being like, what? I had a couple of shots of Fireball and went to bed. What are you?

Why am I in this cell? Why am I? You know, the night before, Amanda said to Jennifer or Jennifer said to Amanda and not tomorrow. Like, just don't just remember. It's easy. Right. Right. Please. You can drink.

I'm not saying you can't drink. I'm not saying you can't drink. I'm not saying you can't drink. I'm not saying you can't drink. Are you saying I can't have anything? No. Are you saying you can't have anything? No.

Because I'm going to drink. No. You're saying I can't have anything? No. Just so it's going to be a completely dry wedding? Amanda, we're not ganging up on you, Amanda.

No alcohol at the wedding whatsoever. You're drinking that beer you have right now very fast we're not I'll drink it fast if I want to no hey

it's not a dry wedding I didn't realize it was a dry wedding okay no drinking tomorrow so you're not gonna drink I know you just watched three football

games at the bar please please have this Gatorade I left it right by your bed stand I'm gonna drink just pace yes we know water what about water we're not ganging up Please drink. Have this Gatorade. I left it right by your bed stand. I'm going to drink. Just pace.

Yes, we know. Water. What about water? Pace yourself. We're not ganging up on you. Here's the only thing I ask. Everybody's ganging up on me. No one's ganging up on you.

Everybody is ganging up on you. The only thing we ask is you just do it out of a glass. Don't do it out of a bottle. It's not like you're going to drink out of a bottle, right? So you're saying don't drink. No, no, no. Saying no one's drinking. We're not saying no one's drinking.

Sometimes I don't want to mess up a glass. Ron, explain it to her. Even, let me just say, even, even... The bridesmaid, Ron. Ron. No, her dad. Ron, Ron, explain it to her. Even, like, with a few drinks in you, you're at a wedding, you're like,

you're having fun. Can you imagine, like, if someone was like, look, um, let me, uh, let me help one of your kids out and start a college fund. Right, yeah. Okay? Yep. For, what do you say, Ram?

$100,000. Mm-hmm. But you have to chug this bottle of Captain Morgan's until you can't. I would do it. Oh, Jay. Okay. For my kids. For your kids.

For you kids. I couldn't do it. I couldn't. I mean, I can't imagine. I'd Jay. Okay. For my kids. For your kids. For you kids. I couldn't do it. I couldn't. I mean, I can't imagine. I'd start throwing up. You know, I can drink a lot. As it was going into my mouth, I'd throw it up. You know, I've slowed down, but I can still, you know.

But it's like, no. No. It takes a special place. Chugging. I'll tell you, the craziest thing I've ever seen in my entire life was at St. Patrick's Day in the morning in Ann Arbor, Michigan. I watched a girl with like three dudes come in in the morning. This is like nine in the morning.

People lined up to get into scorekeepers to drink with our friends. Were you working? No, I was just back in college. I was there St. Patrick's Day to start drinking, which was stupid. But I watched a woman get a pitcher of beer, plastic pitcher, stupid well but this i watched a woman get a pitcher of beer plastic pitcher drink the entire pitcher of beer to the cheers of her friends she takes the pitcher and throws it over her head and it hits another girl in the head as she walks in like as she walks in she walks in. She walks in like, hang on! It was... I watched the whole thing happen.

I was like, that is drinking that I will never be able to do. No. No. You know how you see people, you're like, that's money I'll never have. You look at that person, you're like, that is just money I'll never have. That's wealth that I'll never have. That's drinking I could never do. No.

Woman, show you the whole thing of Captain Morgan. After the fireball. After the fireball. And then just begbees it. Begbees the whole thing of Captain Morgan drinking a can of candy. After the fireball. After the fireball. And then just begbees it. Begbees the pitcher. Over it. Drink spotting.

Over it. I wish, I hope that girl walked in and was like, I said I wasn't going to come but I could. Just right in the mouth. The real annoying hurts

too hard. I cut my thumb open Bartending With like Chopping limes And I The guy to drive me He took me to like

The urgent care But the guy was like Oh man And he's like an older bartender than me He was like Once man I was doing I was doing flair

You know bartender flair Where you like flip a bottle He had like Eight shots In a shaker You know one shaker Slapped inside the other Shake shake shake Flipping it around Out of his hands He had like eight shots in a shaker. You know, one shaker slapped inside the other full ice.

Shake, shake, shake. Flipping it around. Out of his hands. Pinwheels across the room. Staying together. Right off a guy's teeth. Right in the guy's mouth. Bloodied his mouth.

Like the guy's probably laughing. I'm sorry. Right in the front teeth. And then this guy had to drive him to the hospital the whole time going, you son of a bitch. You slaughter fucker. You slaughter fucker. Guy's drunk with his friends and just catches a full shaker in the mouth.

That probably didn't break open. No. Full weight. Hit him in the mouth. Landed unopened. Then he poured it into four glasses at once. Another bartender still got it and poured the kamikazes. Lit him on fire and then served him up.

Speaking of drinking and being out of control, we got a voicemail from Johnny Depp. Let's hear what he has to say about this whole situation before we get out of here. Hello, boys. Jonathan Christopher Depp here once again. I wanted to call you to address this nasty rumor about Johnny Depp being a part of the Hollywood elite and privileged, which is total caca poopoo, if you ask me. Of course, I have powerful friends in Hollywood who direct blockbuster movies, like my good friend Tim Meadows, but that doesn't make me elite. my good friend Tim Meadows, but that doesn't make me elite. Just because I have a jet pack that I use to fly over my chocolate farm and acres of marijuana, does that make me elite? I don't think so. I still eat toast, just like the rest of you, with my elephants. Does it make

me elite to have 14 mansions across the world, including a private island that Marlon Brando gave to me? No, these are just things. I still watch Benny and June, just like the rest of you, with my giraffes. Does it make me elite to have a hoverboard that actually hovers? No. No, it doesn't. I don't even want to get into all the smuggling of the puppies and friends or the wrestling match with Liam Neeson and Coco Beware.

I'm just still the same old-fashioned Captain Jack Sparrow who can't get rid of his scissor hands. You said he... So, boys, if you could please get that message to your audience, that'd be greatly appreciated. I have to go now. I'm getting a Spanish lesson from one of my robots. Bye, boys.

All right. I knew that wasn't going to make much sense no it never does it never does but I guess it makes sense to him in the way that he does what he does it does

Daniel thank you for the great stories and for co-hosting thank you Oliver again at just do it hashtag dumb people town

and send the stories to at Daniel Van Kirk or at Sklar Brothers or both of us Matt Bronger this is awesome Shane Garner with Matt Bronger coming to Feral Audio

check it out and the tour Enraged to be Married check it out go to matt Bronger. This is awesome. Shane Garner with Matt Bronger is coming to Feral Audio. Check it out. And the tour? Enraged to be Married. Check it out. Go to mattbronger.com. M-A-T-T-B-R-A-U-N-G-E-R.com. See if I'm coming to your neck of the woods.

It's a great show. We'll see you guys in Chicago. Cannot wait to see all of our dumplings. Everybody go. At Lincoln Hall. Lincoln Hall, this Saturday night,

7 p.m., 9 p.m. show. Get tickets ahead of time because they may sell out. They won't get to sell out. You won't get to meet Uncle Ken. That's right. I want to see Uncle Ken. He's got a lot of drinking to do. Alright guys, we are out and we'll see you next week right here on Dumb People Channel. Dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum