Dumb People Town - Matt Braunger - Ichiban Banana

Episode Date: August 17, 2021

This week Matt Braunger comes to town to hang with Daniel, Jason and Randy. The first story is about a 4th of July controversy. The second story is a not-so-tasteful discovery on OnlyFans. The final story is about a ring inception.

Star Beans Avenue Hey, townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population U. Population Brawger. Matt Brawger. Welcome to the show. Back to the. Population you. Population Bronger. Matt Bronger. What's up, guys? Welcome to the show. Thank you. Back to the show.

Thank you. It's good to be back here. I've missed you guys, and I've missed your hijinks on the show. You've had a kid. You've become dumber as a parent. I feel like you've become dumber,

especially with a little kid. Yep. Like all the things you used to be able to know how to do, you suddenly are like, wait, I can't. I don't know how to mail something at the post office. Yeah.

Yeah. Definitely have done the put her back in a onesie with no diaper. Yeah, sure. Slide her in, man. Why are you so sweaty? Oh, you're covered in urine. That's what this is. How'd that happen?

Nothing caught it. Like no safety net. Nothing was there. You didn't put it on. Your fault, Rose. So your brain becomes mush, and it was already. Compare that to when you would get super drunk. Sure.

Soak up the night drunk. It is similar. It is similar to that, where you've destroyed so many brain cells that the next day you get to the airport and you don't have your wallet or your sunglasses. It's something like you always, because you have so much stuff to bring with you when you have a kid, so much shit. The one thing you need, like a car key or something,

is you've left it and you have everything else. And you have no idea where it is. No clue. It's like memento. You've got to look through your things and tattoos on your arm to figure out where it is. No clue. This is like, it's like memento. You've got to like look through your things and tattoos on your arm to figure out where. But then your kid is in the car. And so you can't go back into the house without the kid.

No. Because you're like, is someone going to steal this kid? No. And also, is it too hot? Yeah. And then you're like, all right, so now we've got to take the kid in. Can I crack a window? It's like a shed or a closet.

I have to unpack all this to get that. And to put that back in, I'm going to have to repack everything around it. Take it out, start over again. And that's just like 7 in the morning, you trying to go out and do your day. Yeah, I mean, even just now with this new level of just – I love the collective delicious anxiety we're privy to now. It's a better anxiety than we've ever known in our lives. It's deep.

The former administration was enough, and now there's COVID. And I love how it just keeps coming back better and better like a John Wick sequel. Like, wow, you did it again, anxiety. You found a new manifestation. Like going to the dry cleaners with my kid, and you look inside, and you're like, they're all anti-vaxxers. You can see it in their eyes. You can see it in their eyes. They're those people that are just like,

nah, but you know what I think. Here, cough on my baby. No, I'm not going to look at the news. What I think is happening, I found this YouTube link. I feel it in my gut. And so they grudgingly put a mask on when you go in. And of course, my kid has no mask.

I'm just like, well, she's breathing it in right now. She's sucking it in addition to the cleaning chemicals. Because I didn't leave her in the car. Because I didn't leave her in a hot car. She would have survived and would have just peed on herself. That's right. Because I didn't put a diaper on her. Yep. And we're back to the beginning.

All right. Well, the world's gotten dumber. Bronger's gotten even dumber. You're not the only one. Sure. You're not the only one. Yeah. So let's jump into a story.

Okay. You ready? Let's do it. Sent in by Jared Miller at J. Radimus. Jared Miller. I don't know if Jared's ever sent in before. He has. But I dig it.

He has. Radimus. Radimus? You go Radimus? Radim has. He has. Radimus. Radimus? You go Radimus? Radimus? He's the Radimus. It reminds me of the name of a wrestler in an old Cheap Seats episode where we were just like, Radimus!

But if people join up for your Patreon, it could remind them of a new Cheap Seats episode. Radimus makes me think of a gladiator who didn't do that well. He was okay. He was okay. What was his record? He was two and four. He was like that guy that would wrestle like Brutus the Barber when you're a kid, and you're like, I'll never see this guy again, man.

Also, can we talk about if he's a gladiator? Jay, I love you to death, but your loss record can only ever be one more. He's got a generous emperor. He's like, you know what, man? Pull the lion off of him. He's good to go. He's got one more. I'll give the thumbs down, which that's the big misinformation.

Thumbs down was don't kill him. Don't kill him. So what you're saying, Bronger, is that if a guy's like battling Jimmy Superfly Snooker out of the red corner, Ron Stone, he's going to lose. If he doesn't, bro's going to lose. Doug Stanley is here. Doug Stanley. He's going to lose. If he doesn't, bro's going to lose. Doug Stanley is here. Doug Stanley. He's got no coat. He just shows up.

Boots and Speedos. That's it. That's all he's got. That's all he's got. He's got a little thicker on the middle. No character. No character.

Slapping his arms. What are you doing, Doug? Stop. Maybe an elbow. Maybe an elbow pat. You're not going to grow muscles by punching yourself, man. Loading up his orthopedic.

Loading up the orthopedic. High-fiving people. People looking away. He's got both arms out. No one touching his hands. No touches. No one touching his hands. Wiping popcorn from his mouth.

And he has to fight the great Radimus. All right. What's the story? Superfly snuck out. Here we go. Yes, to fight the great Radimus. All right, what's the story? Superfly snuck out. Here we go.

A Florida man found a unique way to respond to fireworks controversies this 4th of July, and it's making headlines. Oh, boy. Okay, so I know. Florida man wants to skirt some fireworks. I'm so excited. Let me weigh in on this. Were any of you guys the fireworks guy growing up?

Everybody has a friend who was like, the fireworks guy. I think we had to drive to Washington State, which is right there. You don't just walk. If memory serves. But I remember one time we went to the Oregon coast and literally had bottle rocket fights

with other kids. Like all friends. Just not realizing the danger of someone losing an eye or just an explosion. Exploding by your ear. Right. Going off in your hand. Yes. You don't think of that. Were you holding them or bottle shooting? You would lightly hold the stick

on the bottle rocket and then just kind of like and then like out of your hand. Many times at the cabin I've done that. Yes. This scares the crap out of me. I know it happened years ago. You guys never had a Roman candle fight? Those are the... And you're shooting little flaming balls at each other.

I did this at Rochelle when parents watched and laughed. Jesus. You also had whips. You also had whips. We put an M80 in a bowl of cereal and blew that up. Oh. With milk? Yeah, milk. And it just spilled everywhere. We should have. We filled it. We filled it. Put it in a bowl of cereal and blew that up. Oh. With milk? Yeah.

With milk and it just exploded. We should have put it in a box of cereal. That would have given you a better explosion. That would have been really good. Yeah. I was glad I didn't see any of the hijinks movies of the 50s, like Porky's kind of thing, where they'd flush a cherry bomb and it's like, wow, it stays lit. It stays.

I would not have used that knowledge well. wow it stays lit it's like i i could not i would not have used that does it stay live question do you think you know people are always like all these video games or these jackass or like beavis and butthead are making people do these things and i've always been like i get some of that but those kids were goofy anyway but do you think that now youtube will always show you what would happen if you blanked? That kids do it less because you can go see what would happen if someone put a firework in a watermelon or whatever. Because a lot of it wasn't just you being dumb with your friends. Like, what if we blank?

Well, now there's curiosity. Well, let's just do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the curiosity gets satiated. And you don't have to do it. It's basically can just go watch you know what it is right stupidity porn yeah what you're talking about because i guarantee you this is one that's it this one hits younger yous and probably our 20s when the first you guys might have been 20s too the first um uh like bentos in the coca-cola sure right i you, if I had only ever heard of it at some point,

I would have done it. But being that I've seen it happen a million ways on levels that I could only imagine so many co-files in Mentos, I've never done it. But if I had only heard it, me or someone in my group of friends in person would have done it. Without a doubt. Fair.

So maybe YouTube's making people not do it. I just remember we always had that, you had that Eddie Haskell kid. Yes. You know, who would kind of be like, come on, do it. And sometimes they were extra shitty, like let's kick this dog or something terrible.

The worst people. The worst guy. Always a guy. Oh, you're out of my life. And then, yeah. But then, yeah, it's kind of, I think it's just kind of teaching that kid like, yeah, you might want to stay away

because, you know, this person doesn't really like you. They're using you. They want to see you get hurt. Yeah, you're the fall guy. Right. They want you to go down. You're part of his plan. Yes.

And it is always a he. Out of doubt. All right, Dan, so what did this person say? So a Florida man found a unique way to respond to fireworks controversies. According to a report by local NBC affiliate WLWT, someone in Cape Coral, Florida, has been screaming his impressions of firework sounds in the early hours of the morning. Early hours of the morning. So neighbors can only speculate about which side of the issue he falls on. Because they don't know that if he's so mad he can't light fireworks, he's just outside doing them. Or if he's mad about other people doing it, he's going around to his neighbors and going, do you like it?

And he's like, shh, bam, boom, bam. Like, I don't know what the sound. I'm picturing him as a guy who's in a hair metal band and never made it. One of those dudes that can hit those operatic falsettos, like a scream, like Iron Maiden, Bruce Dickinson. Sure, Dio. Yeah, Dio, the Grim Reaper guy, like See You in Hell, that song.

He's just going around, and he's like, yeah! But it's a screech. And he really loves fireworks. And to him, it's like, but come on. I love it. You groove on that awesome sound. Okay, so you made him a joyful person. No, no, he's also bitter and burnt.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Because I make it. In my mind, it's because his band Axe Handle never broke through. Definitely. And I think his wife, who is like, well, so do something about it. You want me to do something about it? Are you saying I can't do something about it? So this started from a, are you saying I can't do something about it?

You say it's a fight to his wife. I say it's a guy who has asked his neighbors over and over again, stop doing fireworks late at night. Stop. Please stop. I'm asking you to stop. It's keep me up at night. Please stop. So then he's like, At five in the morning when I

wake up, I'm going to ruin your day. And he's dressed as a firework. He's in a cylindrical cone type thing with a little hole cut for his face and he just goes and just kind of goes over their window. He does the full, like even the first

like the first sound when it goes out. Yeah. Yeah, that's pretty good. I want it to be a whole theatrical thing where it's like, hey, Stanley, keep your hands away from it. It's dangerous. It's dangerous. Like the dad talking to the kid.

Every other, every, like, fifth or sixth one, he's like, done. Done. He yells. And he's wearing, like, a Jason Pierre Paul jersey. Oh, there you go. Neighbors in Cape Coral, Florida reported hearing a man's voice screaming words like boom somewhere. But here's where it takes a fun turn.

Screaming words like boom, firecracker, and bottle rocket. He's just saying. He's not even on a monoply. Firecracker. Bottlerocket. Oh. Yeah. He's definitely anti.

That's not what it sounds like. You think? I think he's anti. If he did that and it did happen outside my house. I like it if it's weaker. Bottle rocket, firecracker. Firecracker. I would go out and try and argue with him that the firecracker sounded like a bottle rocket

and the bottle rocket sounded like a bottle rocket. Oh, I listen. Bottle rocket. Oh, I listened. Nope. Not a rocket. That sounds like a bottle rocket. They say that he was doing this around what time last week? I want you guys to guess. What time do you think he has decided? You said, Jay, you're going to say five in the morning.

Five in the morning. I'm going to go three. Okay. And I just want to say, dude, anytime I hear someone talking outside my house or being loud, I'm like, I'm going to murder you. I want to sleep. Because my brain immediately goes to, all right, let me listen to this person or whatever's happening. I have neighbors sometimes that have parties.

When we were out of town, this neighbor, we found out someone rented this house on the other side, the block behind ours, and was blaring music at like 3 in the morning. I was like, I would be— What can I do? It's like I get depressed and furious. But just the thought of someone, like, last thing I'll say, one of the scariest things to me is if you heard someone just

knock on your door at like 3 a.m. Are you kidding me? Death is coming for me. Yeah, yeah. In some way, whether it's to help them or to oppose them, you have to go into action. In some way, you're about to help them or to oppose them, you have to go into action. In some way, you're about to go. If some reedy-voiced man went in your backyard in the dead of night and just yelled,

Firecracker! You wake up, did he say something? And you're immediately thinking, oh, fuck, crazy person. If I knew he was out there, I would put my cell phone next to my bed. I would dial 911, and then I'd go to sleep. I don't think it's 7-1. I don't think it's 7 in the morning. Okay, 7? You say 3 in the morning.

5. I said 5. One of you is exactly right. Okay, so now you get to play who do you think is right, Matt Brunger. I think 7. For some reason, 7 felt right. I think it's me. I think it's 5.

Okay, all right. He was yelling's me. I think it's five. Okay. All right. He was yelling firecracker boom and bottle rocket around 3 a.m. Eastern time. Matthew Brunger. Nightmare. Also, doesn't this mean so much worse than either of those times? 3 a.m.

But here's what I keep thinking about it. Honey, come to bed. I'm staying up. Just come to bed. But here's what I keep thinking about it. Honey, come to bed. I'm staying up. Just come to bed. We don't need to. You look tired. They haven't shot him off in two days. You don't need to go out there.

That's when they're not expecting it. Just come to bed. I'm still having flashbacks to another pair of neighbors who would have pool parties for their teenage kids and then the kids would go to bed and the adults would not.

And they would stay up super late. They don't really do it as much now and most of it was before we got moved into our house years ago yeah but it's like now i'm thinking that that guy had a fire had a barbecue people were there everyone and i mean every there was a guy a friend of mine in uh this past fourth of july that we tried to put him to bed four times. Adult to bed. Adult to bed four times. I was pretty lit, but I was like happy lit. And I'm like, come on, man.

Dude, you gotta go to bed. I tried to get him upstairs. He's just pure Akito laughing. I'm just pushing, sliding me off. Wait a second, wait a second. All the ancient Japanese art of Akito sliding past me. Hey, man.

I'm going to read you a story. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Knows what I'm trying to do. No. You know why? Because he said that. I know what you're trying to do. No, no, no.

I'm still hanging out. This other person, this other older woman tries to get him upstairs. Got him all the way up. Third floor. Third floor to his bed. Found his way back down. Of course. We're all sitting in the living room going, come on, man! This is what

this is what Firecracker Johnson did. He wouldn't go to bed. He wouldn't go to bed. He wouldn't go to bed. And then, you know what? I just gotta have a couple drinks by myself. Went in the study. Could not find fireworks. Was so angry. Long since we got, they all got lit off.

Of course. Went outside. I'm going to beat my own firework. Firecracker! Be the firework you hope to see in the world. I'm just going to yell him because you assholes took, in his mind, someone stole all his fireworks. And then he makes it about identity politics. Well, I identify as a firecracker.

Neighbor. Get it? You say I, I identify as a firecracker. Neighbor. Get it. You say I can't identify as a bottle rocket? Neighbor, Sarah Warnicke, even shared security footage of the man wandering around and shouting. There's a picture I can kind of show you guys. It's not that good. He's back here. There's like, he's out by the pool.

He's out by the pool. She speculated that the man was making an ironic protest against last year's out by the pool yeah he's out by the pool wandering around she speculated that the man was making an ironic protest against last year's out of control fireworks violations which bothered her as well however she was not amused nor were her pets he was that effective he scared the dog that's how good he is at being a firework like he was offended by a thing that happened a year ago and he waited to get out and sat on've got to get out in front of it, Donna. Donna. It builds up.

You've got to be first to strike. They forgot about it. I'm still growing on it. There's that old horror movie, Black Sunday or something, where in medieval times, they're going to kill this witch. And before she dies, she curses their families. That's like the shitty Florida version of that. I won't do anything now. I won't even complain to you.

But in a year, some shit's going to happen. Just like he proves that he can hold a grudge that long. It's just sad. This is from Sarah Warnicke. The dogs are barking and we go outside and this guy is screaming. I mean so loud, she said. I love her.

Which also the cavalierness of that sentence means she either knows him or she feels like she knows him. And this guy, I mean so loud. Warnicke was one of many neighbors to yell back at the unidentified. All of a sudden, this is like Brooklyn. Shut up, you shut up. Demanding that he shut up and let them sleep. Like real fireworks, however, he persisted. Is that the quote from Hillary Clinton?

Like real fireworks? Like real fireworks. Do fireworks persist? No, they just go off once. If you throw a match into a box of them. They will. They will. So go off.

So I love that this woman's name is Sarah Wernicke. I'm going to now show the only thing I ever learned from Psych 101 in college. Okay. Is that there's a thing called Wernicke's aphasia, which is you lose the ability to stop yourself from

shouting things out. Really? So Wernicke and Wernicke's, maybe this guy was going to look this up to see if you know what you're talking about. How is that different from Tourette's? Is Tourette's more physical and the Wernicke is that more psychological? I think you're wrong, Randy. You think I'm wrong?

I think you're right, Randy. Wrong or you think I'm wrong or right? I think you're 100% right. You don't inject, you don't go out on that high wire unless you know you can make it to the other side. I'm still laughing at how much. You named something but you got it wrong.

Fuck. So Wernicke's aphasia. I believed in you. So it's an aphasia. So I knew you were wrong because an aphasia means that you're losing words. These two over here. So the condition is also called sensory aphasia. Oh, no.

It's the amygdala is the thing that you scream. That's when you scream. Amygdala. Look up amygdala. I will. People who have Wernicke's aphasia can't understand words you scream. That's when you scream. Amigdala. Look up amigdala. I will. People who have hornic oesophagia can't understand words. Okay. Well.

So. Okay. Bottle rocking. Okay. Bottle rocking. I'm still laughing at how she described how incredibly loud he was. Oh, yeah, yeah. Our pets were mad.

I love when something is so big. I think someone, I think I read someone a politician or something or someone who worked somewhere as being like, someone wrote like that he was violently unpopular or something and I've been laughing about that for weeks. Like what did he do? People do not

like you man. Like so much. So much that they're hurting themselves. Plenty of lamps. What is amygdala? Amygdala is a collection of cells near the base of the brain. There are two, one in each hemisphere or side of the brain. This is where emotions are given meaning, remembered, and attached to associations and responses to them.

So this guy's amygdala was triggered. Yes. Way back to- A year ago. A year ago. Wow. He did have a form of Wernicke's aphasia because he lost his ability to communicate with people and say, I didn't like what you did. Put a tie in to your brother. So now he's just shouting out a firework.

Shout it. Here's the thing. Maybe he hasn't heard a firework in a year. Yes. And he heard one, and he kind of wintered it. It like winter soldiered him. Yeah. You know, like you say the combination of words. It's just like, I am under triggered it like winter soldiered him yeah you know like the person you say the combination of words it's just like i am under your control soldier him

well bronger's canon he's marvel so am i bronger and i are both we're on the same show we're mcu yeah yeah yeah you guys wrong as a scientist and i was the evil director who tried to like put the movies on it got vaporized how did I miss that? He got vaporized. How did I miss that? Dude, I died on camera. Dude, he got turned into black smoke. I missed that. Black smoke, bro. That must have been two days we didn't talk. Dude, you got black smoke, bro.

Black smoke. Others suspect the man is protesting fireworks restrictions, wishing he could be setting off the real thing. That's, by the way, never a good thing when your protest cannot be deciphered. Yes, if you're pro or against. I can't tell if he's angry at us or he wants this. Way too performative. This is like your friend the other night you tried to put to bed.

What do you want, bro? You want to stay up? It's like what I say. You want to go to bed. Not to use that kind of tired of analogy as kids or drunks, which I've done a version of that joke everyone has. But with Rose, I'll be holding her and she'll just do this. Like I try for a hard backflip, like a hard one. Yeah.

Like an escaping gymnast where I'm just like, get the fuck. And I stop her from brain injury. Oh, yeah. But I always say, where do you think this is going, Rose? What do you want to do? What is the out in this scenario? It's the same thing with that dude. Firework.

Where I'm just like, how do you think this is going to end, man? Even the people on your side have turned against you. We don't even know what he's protesting. We can't be with you if we don't know what you are. This might be fun for him. Yeah. Yeah. We don't know.

Cape Coral reportedly has strict laws governing the use of fireworks, which are allowed on only three days out of the year, which should be enough. Even then, the police might be called to respond to a violation of noise ordinance if the explosives used are especially loud. Some locals suspect that this man is trying to get around these rules with his screaming, with one neighbor even speculating that he is, quote, on something. You know that guy. He's the guy who knows that the papers leak.

He's on something. He's on something. I said he's hopped up on something. However, the Cape Coral Police Department's Master Corporal Phil Mullen, that's a lot, said, quote, pretending to be a firework is also going to run afoul of our noise audience. I don't know why I can't say that. He's Master Corporal? Yeah, he's Master Corporal.

Police Department Master Corporal Phil Mullen. So you're just a corporal, right? I bet if we pulled up a picture, there'd be a lot of extra applets that don't mean anything. Oh, yeah. Weird ribbons and things. Yes, for sure. He says, whatever the intention behind the odd sounds is, it will remain a mystery since no one has come forward to publicly claim credit for the stunt.

Now you don't even know it's you. No. Reporters knocked on several doors in the neighborhood and found no one willing to fess up. Neighbors are as tired of the screaming as they have been of real fireworks in years past. If this happened in your neighborhood, I guarantee if this happened more than once, you'd be like, I'm going to murder someone. Yeah. I mean, I don't like calling the cops on anybody, but it's like that's 3 a.m.? I don't like birds going too loud.

Yes. Because if a bird starts, I'm like, at 5 a.m., I'm like, no. I have a sound machine in my room that I jack up so loud that it's like, are we sleeping in a waterfall? Because I don't want to hear anything. No, I hate it. That's story number one. Oh, my God. Firework.

Firework. I've never heard someone abusing the noise ordinance with their voice. I know. And,co, you've got a very powerful voice. But just, I just like the idea of this guy just going outside and hollering. Letting it rip. Screaming. Hollering. This is how

I use, this is how I violate. This is how I violate. Not with music. Nope, but with my voice. Alright, there's story number one down in the books. When we come back, we'll find out what Bronger's doing, how you can see him if he's out there doing live stuff, and we'll be right back. Stick around.

Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to Dumb People Town. That is the show that we are doing. That's what we're doing. And we want to mention a couple things on our end.

This drops on the 17th of August. So Daniel, where will you be? Kansas City, Louisville, Nashville, Cincinnati, Cleveland. Firework! Daniel, when you're in Cincinnati, get some Grater's ice cream, raspberry chocolate chip, and then go to the Montgomery and Boathouse

for ribs. And they make their own chips. chips oh god it's so good so all that stuff's at danielvancurk.com understand guys uh we're still in this so it is uh some limited capacity these shows will sell out some already have go to danielvancurk.com and then you can also see dates for september and october and november because i bet i'm coming close to you now we've got a new patreon, Jay and I, that has been going, and we're doing new episodes of Cheap Seats. We haven't made new episodes in 15 years.

Jay and I just shot four of them. So great. I'm so excited. We did a high dive contest. So, Randy and I are hypercritical about our own work, and I never laugh at something we do. Never. Rarely.

Once in a while. He'll do something funny that'll make me laugh. We were keyed in to have to, like, watch back through a thing that we did to give some edit notes. It was making me laugh. Like, out loud, for real. Legitimate. People can get this for only five bucks. Five bucks a month.

New episodes of Cheap Seats. Plus, like we do on this show, we give a little extra for our Dumb People. Yeah, it's more than even just that. More interviews and stuff. And then we kind of do a version of the old daily podcast we were doing but we call them the patreon pods just stories that bother us about the world that's happening right now and they're fun and we'll do those on there as well so lots of good stuff for five bucks a month only one level let's see if we can get as many people as high dive next month high dive cornhole kabaddi which is like a crazy

thing that's like a playground game in India that then became a sport. It became like a professional sport on a tennis court indoors, like a handball court, no net. You could tackle people. It's like Red Rover. Stop. Don't give it all away. It's so fun. And then we did that.

Battle of the Network. Battle of the Network stars where Howard Cosell basically starts the Me Too movement. It is insane. The things he says about Christy McNichol. People better sign up. I'm like, she's a lesbian. You know that. It's patreon.com slash Sklar Brothers.

So check that out. Bronger, where are you going to be so people can find you? This is my other touring compatriot right now. Yes, sir. This is the 17th? 17th of August. Okay, so the next one would be Pittsburgh, August 20th. Nice.

The week after that, I'm going to be in, let's see. Where are you going in Pittsburgh? The Hard Rock Cafe, actually. Nice. The week after that, I'm going to be in, let's see. Where are you going in Pittsburgh? The Hard Rock Cafe, actually. Nice. I was originally in Warrenville, but it was a little bit way out and wanted to get something inside of Pittsburgh. Yeah, my guy's kind of a genius in talking to people who don't traditionally have comedians. They're like, you know.

So that's going to be rad. I've got Aaron Kleber, who's a a local comic who's a really funny opening for me and then the week after that I'm going to be in excuse me Sacramento August 26th

great Reno, Nevada August 27th I will be in Chico, California the 28th Chico State great party school

and yeah and that's going to be like in a great big theater with like a couple other comedians. Great, awesome. So look them up. I've got Alex Falcone open for me on that one and the Reno one. Then I've got Irene, too, opening for me.

I love her. She's a friend of the show. And rounding it out for that weekend, August 29th, Irene and I are doing a day show in Berkeley at 3 p.m. Awesome. It's a place called the Cornerstone Brewery. I'm calling it Day Beers and the Bay Beers. Day Beers and the Bay Beers? Day Beers and the Bay Beers? It's going to be rad because they double booked me that night, and that was the only spot

I had for the Bay. I looked around, and all the clubs were obviously booked out, and so it's like, what would be a three o'clock one? And the response has been pretty sweet. People are like, oh, yeah, I can be in bed by nine then? Sweet. Sometimes it shows when everybody knows you'll be so loose because you're like, oh yeah, I can be in bed by nine then? Sweet. Get up for work the next day. Sometimes it shows when everybody knows you'll be so

loose because you're like, guys, what do you want? It's 3 p.m. It's 3.45. 3 p.m. We're going to just hang out. And Irene is so funny. Oh my God, I love it. She's my adopted daughter. I love her. Matt, walk out at that show and be like,

how many people right now in this audience are currently working from home? Who's clocked in? Right now. Who's clocked in? Absolutely. Who's clocked in? I should.

Who has a low phone and you're on a Zoom? How many billable hours do we have in this room? I love it. So check all that out. MattBronger.com? MattBronger.com slash tour if you want to find. I'll be in like probably 21 other or about 20 other cities other than that for the rest of the year. At Bronger on Twitter and at Bronger on Instagram.

Instagram, yep. That's correct. So good and a great follow-up. And we only have three dates for us through the end of the year. Yeah, we've only got three days. Moon Tower. Moon Tower is happening. Nice.

We'll be a part of that in September 23rd through 26th. And instead of doing the ping pong this year, we're doing actually foosball with Kelsey Coates. So we're calling that. That's just going to be a tournament. That's great. That'll be fantastic. And then Ann Arbor, Michigan, 22nd, 23rdnd 23rd ann arbor comedy showcase there's only three shows there

they might put a fourth show on what month is that that's october 23rd 2nd and 23rd and then uh phoenix will actually be in tempe at the tempe improv the uh december 8th through the 10th great club all right great all right ready second story sent in by Zach Brinkman at Gimpy Smalls. Don't think he's Zach sent in before? Love it. Gimpy Smalls. Zach did it. You can too. Just at Daniel Van Kirk, hashtag dumb people town.

That's how I know when you sent it, what order they came in, and that it's actually meant for me. A lot of people use that hashtag, and then I use that to block them. Here we go. Not a lot of great people using dumb people town in casual conversation. All right. Here we go. Yep.

Manager records sexually explicit videos inside Rocky Mount restaurant and then posts them online. Well, that was a Rocky Mount if you ask me. Facts. Facts. Don't split where you work. All right. Here we go. Rocky Mount, North Carolina. Rocky Mountain.

There's precipitation on those peaks. But Rocky, just Mount. Rocky Mount, North Carolina. Rocky Mountain. There's precipitation on those peaks. But Rocky, just Mount. Rocky Mount. Rocky Mount. Was that an alt title for Conway Twitty? Rocky Mount, you'll always be. All right, here we go. Health officials have responded after sexually explicit videos were recorded by a manager

inside a Rocky Mount restaurant uploaded to the internet. Were they wearing a hairnet? No. When OSHA gets involved. I mean, did he know that it was like employees getting it on? He probably orchestrated it. In the dry goods area? Or was it just like, oh, you guys need to fuck.

I got a room. Go ahead. Number one, hey, I need you to marry the ketchup. So number two, I need you to marry that girl over there. You know what I'm saying? In the biblical sense. A Rocky Mount resident. So this is civilian action.

A Rocky Mount resident alerted WRAL News this week to a series of sexually explicit videos on the website OnlyFans, a subscriber-based site where people pay to view content. Hey, I know that restaurant. Yes. Much of which is sexual in nature. Yeah, exactly. That's what I was thinking, too. Somebody's like, where'd you find that? Right.

It's like somebody says, oh, I saw you did porn, and then you go, how do you know? Someone's doing something weird in a chat room. Oh, and you're in that chat room? Yeah. What are you doing? You don't need to shame anybody for looking at porn, but don't shame me for doing it. I'm looking for something. I'm doing research. Someone's doing something weird in a chat room Oh, and you're in that chat room? You don't need to shame anybody for looking at porn But don't shame me for doing it I'm doing research The videos showed a woman That's the manager

Oh, God Yes Showed a woman using a banana to simulate sex And the viewer said that he recognized the woman in the videos As an employee of ichiban japanese steakhouse and sushi bar you imagine that's great you know what ichiban in north carolina japanese japanese it means number one really yeah number one number one on that banana steakhouse and sushi bar and that she appeared to be filming from inside the restaurant's office

i thought you feel to be the only fans is coming from inside the restaurant's office. I thought you'd feel to be filming. The OnlyFans is coming from inside the restaurant. So there's a screenshot. It's not explicit. We can put, I mean, it is and it isn't. It's suggestive, right? Yeah. Yeah, it's suggestive. For those at home, she has the banana in her mouth sideways.

Yes. Like the way you wouldn't eat a banana. Right. Like it's a new kind of banana. It's the wrong way to hold a gun. The peel is on it. She's going sideways with the banana. Correct. She's eating it like a corn cob, it looks like. Yes. Like the way you wouldn't eat a banana. Right. Like it's a new kind of banana. It's the wrong way to hold a gun. The peel is on it. She's going sideways with the banana. Correct.

She's eating it like a corn cob, it looks like. Yes, correct. Yes. The way no one has ever eaten it. She's kind of like holding it, you know, kind of doing the sensual, sensuous, sensual thing. Ichiban. Ichiban, the number one way. Number one way.

A Japanese restaurant menu is visible in one of the videos, along with security cameras showing the interior of the restaurant. Now, I'm going to say something. So she's the Rocky Mount manager, but she's doing this at the Ichiban restaurant. No, no, no. It's a Rocky Mount. Rocky Mount is the town.

Oh, Rocky Mount is the town. She's the manager of Ichiban restaurant. In Rocky Mount. Here's the thing I would say. Yeah. And I'm going to say this with a sincere heart. To anyone who is creating sexual content, don't have signifiers of where you are. That's it.

Yeah, absolutely. And I say that with- Safety. That's safety. You don't- There are several people that have ownership stake in that restaurant that are like, seriously? Well, that's a- We just got through with COVID, man.

That's a business example. I just mean, you never know like a creep who's watching. Go just do it in your apartment with a sequined curtain behind you. Get the same halogen lamp that no one can identify just in the level or blind. Green screen. That's in a green screen. We were so thrown by the fact that it's called Rocky Mount. It's basically like, well, in the town of Rough Thrust, Maryland, there is a –

No, that's not the name of the restaurant. You could never call a restaurant that. It's too evocative. In Safe Word, Colorado, there was a woman who... So anyway, they say that... Where was I? Okay, the restaurant menu is as well.

One of the videos. Security cameras showing the interior of the restaurant. So there's monitors behind her showing the interior of the restaurant from security cameras. Oh, boy. Okay. The viewer. Also, who's the viewer?

I wonder, did this person get caught by a partner watching OnlyFans, and then they were like, this is how much I've changed. I'm going to bring somebody else down with me. Or if you saw it, why would you then go, I'm going to call the local news? Because you're outing yourself, which is fine. Yeah. Well, do we know it wasn't an anonymous tip? The viewer told WRAL

Just the anonymous tip. I know. At Sklar Brothers. Told WRAL their biggest concern was the woman's sexual use of a banana, which is served on the restaurant's menu in its cinnamon banana dessert. She is not using people.

She's not prepping the bananas. I'll have, like, you know that someone... I'll have what she's fucking. I'll have what she's sucking. Honey, Samantha's third birthday, what was the dessert? I'm forgetting. I had a few

bottles of sake. The cinnamon banana dessert. Did it involve a banana? I'm only asking. I'm writing a journal. Cinnamon banana. Her stripper's name is Cinnamon. Cinnamon banana. Cinnamon banana.

Restaurant owner, June Lee, said Friday that he had no knowledge of the videos. Oh, June. But after viewing them, he confirmed that they were filmed in his office and that the woman in the video was an employee and a manager who has worked for Ichiban for how long? How long do you think she's been working? How long are you a manager before you say, I feel comfortable enough? Using this as your non-green screen. Getting loose with the cinnamon banana.

I really want to say a week. I really want to say, like, fuck it. Somehow she was in there and she was like... It could be the day she got the keys. I left my purse. Lost and found. It's in the office. Come back here.

Come back here. I tripped and fell and my clothes fell off. I love this office turns me on. Whatever it was. One week. One week. But I'm going to bet, not with my heart, I'm going to bet with my mind, I'm going to say a year.

Okay, Jay, what do you think? I like Bronger's. I love Bronger's take on it. say a year. Okay, Jay, what do you think? I like Bronger's. I love Bronger's take on it. She's like from the TV show The Incredible Hulk. She just goes town for town and there's media trying to

find her. She's like The Incredible Hulk. She leaves her clothes in tatters. She moves on. And it starts her being really mad. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm horny. So I'm going to say The hornier she gets the stronger she gets I'm going to say

Six months I'm going to say three years Three years Can I also say I have friends in the sex work industry I'm not shaming this woman None of you are either But I'm saying there is probably on her only fans

A little kick to the like Oh this ratchets it up when she's doing it at work. So there has to be part of it. I get it. I shouldn't be doing this here. Take the menu down. Turn the monitors on. That's her video. Stage it.

Stage it different. I work at a Home Depot. Right. A banana. There's some lumber. Maybe her thing is like, I'm going to give you a Home Depot. Right. A banana. There's some lumber. Mama, maybe her thing is like, I'm going to give you a performance review. Step into my office.

Sure. There's like a storyline. And I think we're all overthinking it. I think she's just like, I don't want to do this when I get home. I'm so tired. If I don't click, log in. If I wait until I get home, I won't do it. Yes. If I don't masturbate to the banana now, I'm not.

I'm going to get home and just eat some pudding and go to sleep. First of all, I know I'm going to be woken up at 3 in the morning by someone yelling, Bottle rocket! All right, what did you say, Rand? I said three years. Jay said one year. No, I said six months. Six months, I said one year.

Okay. She has worked at Ichiban Japanese Steakhouse for 15 years. Oh, my God! 15 years! See, my God. 15 years. See, now it's extra sad. Literally and figuratively. It's like she is just trying to make extra bucks, I think. Career manager.

So what I would say to them is maybe you can give me a raise every once in a while. Yeah. I'm giving these guys a raise. You know what I mean? He has put the manager on leave while he considers what to do next. The manager couldn't be reached for comment. I will say they give her name in this. I'm not doing that. Somebody can figure it out if they want to.

I will end up giving her OnlyFans name because my theory is, and maybe I'm tipping my hat too soon here, my theory is this possibly could only help business. I hope it does for her. Free publicity. Think about how many people ordered the cinnamon banana next week. If you haven't only fans, your goal is to

have as many people know about it as possible. I hope she makes a ton of money on this. I do too. I would still tell her as a friend, I'd be like, you can't do it there. Don't do it in the restaurant. It's just the way people look at things and it's sad, but it does hurt that restaurant.

There's waiters and waitresses that are just like, oh, come on, man. The manager couldn't be reached for comment. Lee, Jun Lee, later told WRAL that the manager had called him and she admitted to filming the videos, adding that afterwards she ate the banana herself. All right. So don't worry.

It's on the dessert. Didn't go back on the pile. A State Department of Health and Human Services spokesman said that all the bananas in the restaurant have been thrown out. And the Nash. See, that's the thing. And she's probably like, this is ridiculous. And I would say it is.

But they can't risk it. You can't risk it. Right. That's why. Think about the optics. That's right. Nash County Health Department would be working with Junely to make sure that another action deemed appropriate was taken. County Health Partners were at Ichiban on Friday.

It fully passed its health inspection. Thank God, Ichiban. The number one. And I bet on some of them, she's like, I was in the office. I wasn't were at Ichabon on Friday. It fully passed its health inspection. Thank God, Ichabon. The number one. And I bet on some of them, she's like, I was in the office. I wasn't where people eat. Doesn't matter. I wasn't in the kitchen. Dan, it doesn't matter.

Yeah. Rudy has owned Ichabon for more than two decades, and the restaurant has an A sanitation grade and passed the inspection within a week. Thank you. The manager on OnlyFans, because why not? Promoter, goes by Amberly Tichel. Amberly. Sounds like someone who does gymnastics with my daughter.

Amberly Tichelle. Trishelle. Trishelle. Wow, that's a great name. At blonde underscore honey 22. Blonde honey 22. For anybody who wants to invest. At blonde underscore honey 22.

Tell her to get you out of the restaurant. She should be at cinnamon underscore banana 22. As of this recording, how many likes does her only fan page have? As of this recording. So I did this. Whoa. This came out. Well, she's going to get a lot more after this.

July 18th. We were recording it almost a month later. She's going to get a lot more after this. So it could be. Can we check it now? As of this recording. So I did it way after it came out. Dan, can't you recheck it right now?

I'd have to find it again. All right. All right. But I did this a couple days ago, so it's pretty close. Okay. So what do you think? Here's the thing. I am such a dork.

I know what OnlyFans is, but I've never logged in. I know people that have accounts. Sure, yes. But what is good? I don't know. I don't know that, and I don't even know if likes is a reflection of subscribers. Like if someone had a TikTok that got a million views, I'd be like, that's good. Yes.

If you have like a stand-up. But even on TikTok, there's views. And there's likes. And then there's likes. So you're asking for likes. So let's talk about likes. Jesus Christ. It's just layers upon layers.

What do you think? Yeah. Well, okay. Let's say, let's give her 7,000. 7,000 likes. Jay, What do you think? Yeah. Well, okay. Let's say... Let's give her 7,000. 7,000 likes. Jay, what do you think? I'm going to say 1,000 likes. Okay.

I'm going to say 40,000 likes. Okay. Nice. All right. One of you... Oh, God. Oh, boy. ...got within 47.

No, I'm sorry. More. 87. 87. One of you got within 87. Whoa. She has, as of this recording, 913 likes. Oh.

But it could be. I said 1,000. Yeah, I know. It could be more. I have no idea. You never know. She might be at 1,000 by now. I know.

At blonde underscore honey 22. She's going to get 1,000 now. I know. Wow. Just take the menu down. Just take the menu down. Yeah. Or.

Check your framing. Because this is the rule, right? It's just people don't – I remember the beginning of all this crazy wave of social media. Hope it dies someday. Never going away. But when it started, I would just tweet a thought. Yeah. And I remember getting an offer to do a thing in the biz and was like you know I definitely

would overthink things way too much do I need to go back and delete every thought that I've ever had it was something along the lines of being grateful but not sure if I wanted this thing where all my reps are like no Bronk's totally into it and they call me like what are you doing and I'm like oh that's right we decided on the main it was a good idea

it was a pilot I did to host a game show I didn't really want to host a game show. I didn't really want to be a game show host. Now I'll do anything. I don't care. Sure. No, not out of desperation. I was way more desperate then.

Yeah. But, you know, I never should have spilled it. And it was a great experience. The show didn't get picked up, but I put my all into it. Blah, blah, blah. Yeah. But I never thought they'd read it. And it's like, everyone reads your shit. Everybody.

If you put it out there. Everyone you're in business with, anything. Read everything. She just filmed herself with a banana in the office and I'm sure it didn't cross her mind. The problem is he didn't fire her.

I would assume after 15 years she loves working there. She's probably never done anything like this in the past. Right. Do whatever you want

but I'm sure she feels bad that they got inspected and he went through all this shit. It's like just make sure any of your choices don't negatively affect somebody else.

You work at a Japanese restaurant. You work at a Japanese restaurant. You work at a Japanese restaurant. Think about the greater good. And I'm going to say this. He's saying to her, I'm not going to fire you, but you've been a very bad girl. You've been a very, very bad girl.

I was hoping you would go, if you do want to stay this route, figure out how to do the Flaming Onion Volcano. Double down on this hibachi life that you may be inventing. Flip a shrimp out of your eye. I will say that good fallout is one guy at the health department

when everyone was digesting the information went out loud said, that's bananas. And was immediately fired. That's good because nobody liked Jerry. Jerry went for the easy joke. He was very annoying. Jesus, Jerry.

Jesus, Jerry. Everyone's thinking of their workload, how they're going to be laughed at doing the inspection. Jerry thinks it's his moment. I'm thinking of her workload. Jerry! Jerry! Get off there! And mine.

No, hey, am I right? I shot a worker. Jerry, stop. We got it already. Get him out of here. Your long since fired. Jerry. Jerry. Speaking of long since. Jerry, get out of here. Alright, boys. That was it. Give us a little

taste of what we're going to hear in story number three. Police say man cop to bizarre theft. I love it. Bizarre theft. And a little extra for our Patreon fans with Matt Bronger. This is Dumb People Town. Don't go anywhere. Stick around. Make it sound This is Dumb People Town. Don't go anywhere. Stick around. Make it sound. For more Dumb People Town.

All right, Daniel. Take us home, buddy. Okay, here we go. Yeah. A Louisiana man has admitted to stealing and pawning a $4,500 ring owned by his girlfriend and then using the ill-gotten proceeds for a down payment on an engagement ring for the same woman. Are we mad at this guy?

Borrowing from Peter to pay Paul. That's it. He steals a ring from his girlfriend to pawn to have money to buy his girlfriend an engagement ring. And what if he bought the same ring? Yeah. Oh, yeah, because he's too cheap. They just reset it. Like, I'm sorry.

It's going to cost you $5,500. This is the craziest episode of Pawn Stars. They slid the money toward him, and he slid it right back. That's right. And the guy's like, no, no, no. No, it's $200 more. Hey. Hey.

I got to make a profit here, man. It's a wiggle room. I do. It is one of my favorite things on Pawn Stars where the appraiser comes in and's like, no, no, no. No, it's $200 more. Hey. What? I got to make a profit. I do. It is one of my favorite things on Pawn Stars where the appraiser comes in and is like, well, that's worth $7,000. And they're like, all right, how much do you want? $7,000. Like, no, I'm not going to pay you. How do I make a profit? That's right.

I'm not just going to take it off your hands. I don't collect comics. I've got to do $5,000 and then I'll make $2,000. I love it. And they always say it to the number. I know. I wish someone would be like 7,300. So clearly you don't

watch. I want you to lose money on this. Justin Pope was arrested yesterday for the theft of a ring that belonged to Samantha Futch. Arrested by his person? Arrested by his? Samantha Futch. Justin Pope was arrested yesterday

for the theft of a ring that belonged to Samantha Futch. F-U-T-C-H Samantha Futch Justin Pope Was arrested yesterday For the theft of a ring That belonged to Samantha Futch F-U-T-C-H Futch Stop trying to make Futch a thing Futch

Oh Futch it Wait of Barsky and Futch Yeah Futch it It was the Bulgarian version Of Starsky and Barsky I remember that It's like

One of my favorite people Came on right after Actual Kojak Good show Rich Futcher They didn't even read The criminals they're right Just punched him in the face Rich Futcher Hit him with bats That's right Fudgeruckers One of my favorite people in comedy. It came on right after actual Kojak. Good show. They didn't even read The Criminals Are Right. Just punched him in the face.

Rich Futcher. Hit him with bats. That's right. Fudgeruckers. Pope allegedly stole the ring in mid-2019 from Fudge's residence in Downsville, which is a lot of sad people. Downsville. Nothing good happens in Downsville, man. Downsville, a village about 25 miles from Monroe.

According to the probable cause affidavit, Pope yesterday confessed to, quote, taking a ring that belonged to his then girlfriend. Sure. Pope told investigators that he sold the ring, quote, at a local pawn shop, then used the money for a down payment on an engagement ring for her. This is also like that scene in Boogie Nights where he's like, and yes, I know I can do this. Oh, yes. Where he goes, don't you understand? You give me the tapes. I go get the money. I bring you back money for the tapes you gave me. Why is it so hard for you?

Why is it so hard to even understand? He's like, babe, babe, I took your ring to get you the ring that you wanted so that we could spend the rest of our lives together. Do you care more about that ring than our life? You might own those tapes, but the magic that is on those tapes, you do not own. It's me.

Sounds like a YP, not an MP. All right. The stolen ring was valued at. Now, what do you think it was valued at? So he got $4,500. This is your pawn store, I think. And I mean. Well, you know what?

I already said that. He did this so he could get a ring to propose. And his girlfriend turned him in. She was like, why'd you do that? I like that ring. Trust issues. This relationship is doomed. He's like, oh my God, your ring got stolen.

This relationship is doomed. If you can't go to the person and say, babe, I want to marry you so badly. You're the person I want to be with the rest of my life. You know that ring you don't wear let's pawn it and get you something you really want do we really need to go into debt to spend the rest of our lives together that one that Don Shula gave you

the Super Bowl winning ring 1972 perfect season remember when you had sex with Don Shula at his restaurant and he said it was so good you deserve this remember you put it up on OnlyFans I'll never forget this Adam McKay who is one of the funniest people in the world, wanted to name Don Shula's. He wanted to create a steak seasoning,

a rub for Don Shula's Steakhouse. The perfect seasoning. The perfect seasoning. Did you know that him and Will Ferrell got each other? Yeah, Don Shula. They would and Will Ferrell got each other? Famous people call them each other. So on their birthday, Don Shula called Will Ferrell like, it's me, Don Shula. And Will Ferrell doesn't give

a crap about the Dolphins or any kind of... That was a team, right? Dolphins? Yeah. Barely knows... The Dolphins is the last team to have a perfect season in 1972 and Don Shula

is just sitting back waiting for him to like gush and be like oh Don you made my life I was in childhood just a great

like a great trick that's how they prank each other I had already said it the stolen ring cops reported it was valued at $4,499 $4,500

the affidavit does not reveal how Pope was identified as a suspect or why it took two years for an arrest. Pope told... Two years for an arrest means they had a really bad fight.

Yeah. She's like, I'm going to bring it to bear now. He told the sheriff's deputies that he sought to retrieve the ring a month after pawning it, which is all you have. Right. You have a month. You have a month. Only to learn that it had been melted for scrap, which means you didn't come in right at a month. No.

You're at a month and a half. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You took a six week on a four week. I don't know enough about pawning things. They melted it in a week. Right. Like, hey, man.

Hey, hey. I was supposed to be used to getting a month. We move here, buddy. We move. Yeah. The court filing lists separate addresses for Pope and Fudge so it appears the pair is no longer a couple. Pope and Fudge, the new Rizzoli and Isles, you know that. Close like Pope and Fudge

hit the clutch. Pope, who does not have a criminal record, is free on $500. So this is the only thing he ever did wrong for love. For love? For Fudge and love. For Fudge and love, man. This is what... Go ahead. I was gonna say quick pitch. Pope and Fudge is a show, a sitcom, about the actual Pope and his childhood best friend

who got a job as a custodian in the Vatican. Who got a job? And he's kind of like, was his Eddie Haskell. That's right. Pope! He's like, please. Everyone else is like, everyone flinches. It's his holiness.

Your holiness. It's the big shot now. It's the big shot. Pope! Is he drunk on the job? He's visibly drunk. Let me drive the Popemobile. Fudge.

Fudge. And it's Chris Tucker. Chris Tucker plays Fudge. I like that. All right. We'll get out of here on this. Justin Pope, 29. How old is Samantha Fudge?

Samantha Fudge. How old is the love of Samantha Fudge? Anyone? Just guys our age. I just said Samantha Fudge. All right. So how old is Samantha Fudge, Jay? Or Bronco, you can go first if you want.

He's 29? Yeah. I'm just going to go 45. Yeah. I was thinking that. She's so much older. I just see her as a person who's had several bows, and she just threw this dude hard under the bus. What he did was not correct, but

just the fact that it took that long. I think you're right. It was a fight. I say 26. You say 26? He fudged up. I say 54. Okay. Samantha Fudge is down one ring,

down a fiance, in a new address, and 40 years old Oh Wow You knew it Way to go You were both on the right way

You guys were on the right In the script She's gonna be 52 Dude she's 52 in there There you go Sharon Stone plays her In this show I love Sharon Stone

She would be amazing She would chew it up Or Daryl Hannah I love it you guys That is the show We love you guys so much. DP Tears, Brongers,

we love you so much. Love you, man. Oh, shit. This is great. We got to get back to work. Boom. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Stick around. Make a sound.

Calm your down. It's Dumb People Town.