Dumb People Town - Matt Braunger - Some Men Just Want to Watch the World Foam

Episode Date: September 4, 2018

 This week, Matt Braunger (Advice From a Dipshit) makes his glorious return to Dumb People Town!  In Story 1, we meet a Florida security guard with a pungent pastime that gets him canned. Story 2 brings us an ol' fashioned cousin-robbery. Story 3 is a troubling tale of testicular trauma. 

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast Dan with co-host Our man Dan Man, jerk, don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits the funny hits So listen to our podcast band with co-host Armand Dan. Man, don't be a jerk, cause when the music hits the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, talk your downies, Dumb People Town. Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you.

Population Bronger! Hey! What's up guys? Bronger! Hey! What's up, guys? Bronger. I am a living dumb person town. No, you make your triumphant return. I think you were episode four. Yes.

You were one of the first. Yes. A handful. In the first five. You were a very popular episode. People loved you. You now have your own podcast. I do. Which we can't wait to talk about.

We will talk about it a little more. Advice from a dipshit. Advice from a dipshit, which lays it all out. You are the dipshit. You have made mistakes. Now you want to help other people avoid those mistakes. Yeah. As best you can.

It's kind of a dear dipshit Abby for the millennial crowd. Which, by the way, is what I call dear Abby anyway. Well, she's kind of eternal. But I don't know. That's what Ann Landers called her. I don't think that old dear Abby screwed up as often or as much as I have. So it's kind of like, I don't know if she can draw from experience. He screwed up a ton.

Irma Bombay. But yeah, I mean. That woman just fucked up. No, no. But the joy of this podcast is you get like a double dip of dumb, which is the questions that come in and then your advice. And then your advice. And it's like, you know, I treat everybody sincerely.

And I make it entertaining as I possibly can. But it's like I'm not there to make fun of anyone. No. You're trying your best. Yeah. And some people do call in with what they might consider silly stuff. But some people do call in with really serious stuff. And I'll be sincere about it.

But at the same time. You can't help but be funny. Advice from a dipshit. Well, the beauty of that is, and why you're so good on this show, is that you understand the behavior of dumb people. You've analyzed it your whole life. You've lived it yourself, but you've analyzed it in your act

and if you haven't seen Matt Brunger do stand-up, you're missing out. Go see him live because I feel like you acutely attack that behavior over and over again. I feel like any time people kind of don't see themselves as utter dipshits, it confuses me. Right. You know, like, not that I'm the worst of all time.

I'm not stumbling here with an empty bottle of Jack. No, no, no, no. But you've done that in your life. Thank God it's Thursday. It's not Thursday for you folks. It's not Thursday. screaming out. But you've done that in your life. Thank God it's Thursday. It's not Thursday for you folks.

It's not Thursday. You know, it's, I kind of, I've always been that person that I try to look at things from this person's perspective because I feel like, and especially now in this era we live in, we're definitely being taught to hate the other. Yeah, I think everyone else is a dipshit. On every level, yes. It's not

me, that person. It's like, no, that person is kind of you in a certain way if you admit it to yourself. Well, I think that's kind of what happens when we do these stories. Dan, you definitely can attest to that. We try and understand why they are doing what they are doing. Did I do that or would I do that? And the reason why I think the podcast I was on with you guys really made it take off, really got the podcast off the ground.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. For sure. Thank you. really made it take off, really got the podcast off the ground. Oh, yeah. A lot. For sure. The reason why it was so fun is because we have so much fun, and I had so much fun listening to these, listening to Daniel read them, and I was just going like, ooh.

Every time, it's like unwrapping a wonderful present. It's like shaving a honey-baked ham. It is. Just cutting a piece off and just being like, oh, I'm going to cut a nice, big, thick piece of this ham. Let's shave off a big piece, Dan, shall we? I love it. Let's do it.

Sent in by Liz Haggerty, at Liz Haggerty. Thank you. H-A-G-E-R-T-Y. Thank you, Liz. I'd love to turn an airplane. The internet's next viral star is a security guard at a Florida hospital. I mean, you're already doing the Lord's work right there. If you're a security guard at a Florida...

How many times a day are you like, you cannot be in this surgery room, ma'am? A security guard at a Florida hospital, that's basically the front line in military. You're just keeping... You're like a sick person bouncer. We're going to send you to the front. How many times have you said... I have a wife and child. You cannot bring an alligator in person bouncer. We're going to send you to the front. How many times have you said that? I have a wife and child. You cannot bring an alligator in here, sir.

A security guard in a Florida hospital, there's a person with a nail in their eye, and they're not the priority. They're still sipping a cold one. It's like a club on South Beach. It's one in, one out right now. I'm sorry. I know your leg is off. Too many dudes. One in, one out. Too many dudes. You gotta bring a girl to get

into that hospital. I know you have no feet anymore, but you're not wearing the right shoes. You should never roll up to the hospital and have someone say to you, are you on the list? I don't know you, man. He spent the last, this guy, the security guard, spent the last six months publicly logging his sonically perfect farts on Instagram.

Now, the 31-year-old is poised to turn his flash in the bedpan success. Oh, come on. No one farts in a bedpan. At Sklar. Although, unless they want a good echo. Yeah, you get a good bounce. True. I mean, farting in a bedpan is the echo chamber that we're living in right now.

Yes. Pretty sure. America. America. Farting into a bedpan. We're all just farting into a deadpan right now. A bedpan? A deadpan?

A deadpan bedpan. A deadman's bedpan. He's trying to turn his success... It's a deadman's bedpan. Who could ask for more? Leave your farty and soul at the door. Is that Cat Stevens?

No, that's Oingo Boingo. He's trying to turn his success into a lucrative brand that can be sunned up by his Instagram bio. This is his bio on Instagram. The Fart Authority. Is that like the sports authority? Are they trying to play on that?

I would have gone with Farts and Rec. But that's just my pun. Because he wants recreation. He's on the job and he's having fun. Farts and Rec is perfect. I would have called it the Fart of Noise. I would call it the Museum of Modern Farts. The Fart of War.

The Fart of War is pretty good. Farts and Crafts. There's all kinds of Farts and crafts. So many. Stop. His first name is Doug. He declined to give his last name. I love that that's where he draws the line. He's embarrassed.

I will go on Instagram. I will put my likeness. I will fart. I will embarrass myself, but you don't get my last name. So it's like Madonna or Prince. Yeah, but Doug. Doug. Doug.

Copy that. Doug. Is that Doug? But the Kevin James looking everyman is known for his 20,000 followers strong Instagram account. That's pretty good, man. That's not the only thing that's strong about him.

He goes by Paul Flart on Instagram. Why does he go by Paul Fart? I don't know. A stinky offshoot of mall cop Paul Blart. Yeah, we know. Paul Blart stinky. That's a redundancy of terms. They just said he's a Kevin James-esque person. Right.

Then they said Paul Flart, and then they felt the need to explain it. Kevin James in representation on screens is farty. Sure. He's a lover of sandwiches. He falls down often. Fart city. On Wednesday, a video compilation of his most memorable ass clappers earned over 374,000 views after shooting to the top of Reddit's videos forum.

If you ever were to post something, and I follow Bronger on Instagram. Great stuff. Thanks. You're always posting great, funny videos. And also cool personal travel stuff. You have a great Instagram. I love following it. You'll never eclipse what this guy did.

No, never. Nor would I, because I don't want to box myself into that hole. Not necessarily. That asshole. That asshole, yeah. That literal fart box. Now he has followers from all over the world. Quote from Doug, it transcends all languages.

There's no translation necessary. It's just funny. I don't know about that. You know, I mean, look, I watched it. Kyle Kinane sent it to me after I'd watched necessary. It's just funny. I don't know about that. I watched it. Kyle Kinane sent it to me after I'd watched it. He'll just do that. He is definitely a connoisseur. He would be the curator of this man's museum.

The arbiter. The fartbiter. And it's sonically perfect, are they? Are you listening? Yep. That's a good one. Yeah. You know, I like a fart that sounds disappointed. Hey, hold on.

Excuse me. Hang on. The best part, guys, is his face. Yeah, he just keeps it low. Look, that expression is like, you did that, not me. And that one is, I love you. And that one is, I was scared by that one. Something else came out.

He looks like 11 different people on improv teams at UCB. I will tell you who he does. He's not as good looking, but Lance Barber, my buddy Lance, who plays a dad on Young Sheldon. He used to play that guy. Yes, he used to play that guy. Yes. He's a bad guy. I feel like he should have called himself Chris Fartley. That's a good one.

He might catch hell from the family. Yeah, a little bit. Maybe. A little bit. May he smell in peace. I just like that he's like, it transcends all languages as if no one knows that. Yeah. Did you know that if you fart in any country, they know it's a fart?

No, I didn't. It's true. In Japan, they fart out of their elbows. And it comes out as a windshield. Yeah, but you're just watching his face. Also, in Dumb People Town, he's the best security guard we have. Yeah. That's the one you want.

Right. Listen. Leslie Nielsen used to keep a fart machine in his pocket. You know that story? Yeah. Because he was in a bar and a fight broke out. He'd just walk up and go, guys, you know where the bathroom is? And then they'd start laughing

and no fight. That's great. That's using it for the power of good. It's a diffuser. Yes, he is a prophet. It's a diffuser. He's a prophet. And guys fighting in bars always ruin bars. This guy working security anywhere in a hospital like, hey, that's not your gown.

That's my gown. Hey, who farted? All right. Look, he stole my gown. The guy with the mustache farted. Why are we even angry? I feel like that transcends all language. Or someone saying what about policemen?

What are we even doing anymore? To serve and project. Doug, grab your legs behind your knees, put your legs in the air, and play Sailing by Christopher Cross. Because I know you can if you concentrate hard. For those who can tolerate the nearly two-minute saga of sphincter

sirens, it's hard not to start analyzing the different aspects of Flart's gaseous oral output. They range from short and flat zaps, like snare drums, to long and sonorous anal bellows. You know how you listen to some...

Anal bellows is one of my favorite new bands. Anal bellows? Anal bellows. I thought it was a tag team wrestling. From Parts Unknown. Zap and blast. It's kind of like listening to one of those Bob Dylan songs where he has to rhyme literally every word. Yeah.

Like, Bob, why? You're already, this person, whoever wrote this is just being way too poetic. By the way, all the descriptions of farts are names of American gladiator warriors. Zap, blast, nitro. Nitro. And clap. And clap. I wonder if he has names for his farts.

You know, like Zoolander had for his looks. Yes. Cold Steel. It all started when Flart moved to Florida from New Jersey. That's very Flato. It all started. I mean, he did go to the Hollywood for what he does. I mean, I think Florida probably has

the most insane farts. By the way, to me, the phrase, it all started, is giving him too much credit. Yeah. You know, like, it all started is building this thing up more than it needs to. It all started when he ate a burrito. Like, if he said that, then I'd be like, all right, yeah. Well, you know, counterpoint, Chubby Checker didn't invent the twist. But God damn it.

When you think of the twist, you think of Chubby Checker. And I think that's what this guy's looking for. It all started when Chubby Checker invented the twist. I hope there's nothing nefarious behind it where a kid's going to be farting in a mall and he'll be like, kid, you owe me five bucks. No. No one owns farts. If someone farts, if he starts sending a cease and desist on your farts, it's too much.

It all started. It all farted. It all farted. Why didn't they do that? Why didn't you do that? I don't know. That's too much. It all started. It all farted. It all farted. Why didn't they do that? Why didn't you do that? I don't know. That's bad journalism. When Flart moved to Florida from New Jersey to help his mother after his father passed away.

That's a good thing. Positive, positive. He noticed a lot of security jobs in the area. No shit. It's Florida. Can anyone help us? It's a high turnover. Real high turnover.

The last security guard we hired is the guy who robbed us. It's a high turnover. Real high turnover. The last security guard we hired is the guy who robbed us. If you're a security guard in Florida, you're working a lot. Right. If you're a security guard in Florida, the cops tip their hat to you. Yes. The cops are like, you're out there, man. You're out there. We can't be everywhere at once.

There's a good 15 minutes where you're holding off the entire crew. We lost three guys last year just from fireworks-related mishaps. And two of them we think were planned. He noticed a lot of security jobs in the area and decided to get his license. I want to know that, Ridgeman in Florida. Working at an area hospital was his second gig in the biz. And he says management liked his funny guy personality so much, they wanted him

to be the first point of contact for visitors. Yeah, because... He's got two points of contact when they're coming in. He looks like a good Walmart greeter. Listen, number one in security, and we all know this, you gotta be funny. What about protecting the... No! He looks so much like...

Doug, a guy comes in here on meth. Okay, he wants it fast. You got some one-liners? Look, this is a hospital. We want people who feel unhealthy to look at you and then feel healthier. Right, right. What would mess up your day more than, like, a knife wound? Than laying there and going,

Oh, God, I hope they get to me before I pass out. This guy's got jokes. Please, leave me alone. You know, it's a funny story. My wife, let me tell you. She, uh, burp. Was that you? Think of all the people who walked in immediately after one of his farts.

Like, yeah, okay. This is the waiting room. I mean, the waiting room in the hospitals, they always smell terrible, but this one is really bad. He has, like, a wet poodle. He looks like Paul Walter Hauser from I, Tonya, the guy who, like, schemed the whole thing. Yes, yes. That guy stole that movie.

Phenomenal. He was great. Such a mastermind. He was great. Okay. It was his second gig. They liked his funny personality. They make him point of contact for visitors.

During a lull in the shift, because he was working third shift, Flart had an epiphany. Quote, this is a quote, the lobby has really great acoustics and naturally we all fart. One day I ripped a rather nice one and got a really good sound from it. So the next time it happened, I recorded it and sent it to my

group chat. Who else is on this group chat? The other security guards? Like a bounty hunter. A guy who works at Chipotle. I kind of hope it's just something innocuous like a book club or just like a cooking club. And he's like, hey guys

I farted in the hallway and I think it's a real good sound. Hey, why'd you? Look, I got kicked out of the group accidentally. Guys, can you let me back in? Right. Guys, I did. I read all of Amy Tan's new book. Also, it's also third shift. He's sending these out

at 3.52 a.m. Who's on that group? Guys, Doug's drunk again and sending us farts. Stop. Why are we on this group chat? Who's on this group chat? Stedman? Oprah's husband? How many people on... Oprah, wake up. Oprah. Can you imagine? Wake up. Gail.

You recorded a fart that you thought was so good, you sent it to a bunch of faceless strangers you've been... Group chat. Group chat. Communicating with. Group chat. This is his Slack group. How many people on the group chat after you sent the first one was like, please take me

off? Unsubscribe. Oh, yeah. Unsubscribe. Unsubscribe. Unsubscribe. On March 25th, 2018, he posted his first bottom burp to Instagram under the account at Paul Flart.

For six months, he farted through his shifts at the hospital, publishing each one for a small but loyal crowd that grew to 500 Instagram followers. I'm going to ask you guys, how many fart posts do you think he's made at Paul Flart? Now, one of them, they're all fart posts, but one of them is somebody that seems to have won some contest and he posted their fart. It's one of the grossest things I've ever heard. So we're not

including that post, but all of his. How many fart posts do you think Paul Flart posted? This is a good theater warm-up. That's a tough one. Red leather, yellow leather. Paul Flart fart post.

You are our guest. So Matt Parker, you can go first, Tig, or third. Whichever spot you want to go in. I'll go first. Okay. To get the ball rolling. I'm going to say 427 posts. 427.

Okay. Jason or Randy, who would like to go second? I'll go second. Randy? I'm going to say 4,200. Whoa! Yeah, out of here. That is belief in the flirt man. Well, they're short. Yeah. They're not long posts. It's quite possible. Right. I say

760. 760. Alright, what'd you say, Matt? 427. And what'd you say, Rand? 4,000 something. And what'd you say? 760. 760. All right, what'd you say, Matt? 427. And what'd you say, Rand? 4,000-something. And what'd you say? 760. 760. Okay. The amount of posts that Paul Flart has made at Paul Flart on Instagram is 78.

Oh! Wow! That seems very low. He's not even doing one a night over six months? Well, he's curating it. Six months. He's not going to one a night over six months. Well, he's curating it. Six months. He's not going to put up to it. Aren't you kind of now disappointed in him?

Why is he not? I am a little bit. Paul Flart. I'm a little bit. Paul Flart mall crap. Randy. You know what? End the episode.

So dumb. I had to laugh. I know. I love it too, but I'm thinking that would be great. Dumber than posting 78 of your farts on Instagram? Farts, you stupid. That's kind of gross. He's bringing me down into it.

I love it when someone comes in like a drunk uncle and just doesn't go with the rhyme at all. Like a family affair where the uncle comes in and is like, is that that Paul what's shitting in his pants mall guy? Yeah. That's not it. Yeah. That's not his name. Uncle Greg. That's not it.

Yeah. 78. That's not his name. Uncle Greg. That's not it. Yeah. Ben. 78. That's not a lot. 78. Much like his flatulence, his follow count exploded. The cause,

his videos had been compiled and published on social media accounts for the popular men's interest site Barstool Sports. Oh, yeah. Don't gender assign

Barstool Sports. You don't know who loves it. Yeah, it might be women. Listen to that. To the nearest thousand, I'm going to ask you guys, how many followers do you think he has right now? I will tell you, I mentioned numbers earlier, but those are early dates. That story blew up. Yeah, blew up.

How many people do you think in Dumb People Town, a.k.a. this world, have said, I want to on the reg. I need to follow that. Which I can just Instagram. By the way, Matt, he probably can sell out the Tempe Improv. You understand what I'm saying? We're struggling to get tickets with an hour of stand-up and this guy's got many hours

of stand-up. That's been going on since the dawn of YouTube followers. It's like a double bill of him and Chewbacca mom, three nights, every show sold out. And Nene leaks. All right. Go ahead. Where do you want to go? First, Tig, or third? I'll sold out. And nay-nay leaks. Alright. Right. Go ahead. Where do you want to go? First, Tig, or third? I'll go Tig. Okay. Second spot for

Bronger. Who wants to go first? Jason or Red? He's got $85,000. $85,000 from Jason Sklar. Wait, no, no. You said Tig, right? Yeah, I did. You know what? I had a number in my head and I'm sticking with it. I'm going to go $50,000. $50,000. I think he's got $300,000. I mean, think about it. $50,000? I think he's got $300,000.

I mean, think about it. $300,000 because this is something that gets passed around. If any of you worldwide, I'm, yeah, I think I messed up by bidding the $1 on prices right. In any language. Farts are understood in any language. I didn't know that until I heard this story. Doug learned us good on that one. But the crazy thing is, is no matter what number of these is right, think of the amount

of people that want to fart in their life. Yeah. That's weird. Yeah. I mean, be who you want to be. I'm not trying to change anyone. I say let it rip. This isn't something I want to scroll through.

My kids, I'm like, let it rip, you guys. Let it rip. I love it when my kids do it. I love it. I love it so much. It's like, just say excuse me. That's it. When they do it, though, I'm like, yes.

Just say excuse me. I don't care. Bingo. He currently has. Get your answers in now, Townie. Because Paul Flart is sitting at, the time of this recording, 75,000 followers. Wow. Nice.

What did you say, Jay? 80,000. I was right. I knew it. Flart said, since his explosive rise in followers, the feedback on his DMs has grown even more personal. No shit. Quote, I've had people from Holland and Germany and the UK sending me DMs and saying this is the greatest thing ever. This brightens their day.

Some people said their week has been so shitty. And then they find my videos and they start laughing and they're happy about it. And it brings them joy, which to me is great. Use a period every once in a while. Like, I'm all about that. I a period every once in a while, Doug. Like, I'm all about that. I couldn't ask for better stuff. You couldn't? Yeah.

You couldn't ask for better stuff? A better stuff. From a fart, perhaps? Yeah, I mean, maybe. This is about a gift that keeps on giving. A high fart. This is what Doug said. I had a guy, this is a quote, I'm sure he was joking, but he said, quote, I stopped doing heroin

for you. No. That is not true. Nope. There is no way. Farts getting people off heroin, I mean, that's some dumb people town lore. It's the methadone of art. The methadone of art. Fart star. I kind of, now I want Doug to lean in and be like,

you know, I really feel like I'm the new Jesus. Yeah, start a religion. I wish he'd say something that insane and just be like, I'm going all out. Because right now, he's definitely signed with an agent who is breaking his own skull against the wall trying to monetize this. Because that's how.

You go to the Doug concert. Alright, we're done. We heard the fart. No, I'm telling you, what if he develops... He should have a commune, like an ashram. I'm talking like wild, wild country level, like Rajneeshi. Where he baptizes them with his farts. Fart-neeshi. He just sits in that weird futuristic chair, pulls in in a Rolls Royce, sits in that weird futuristic chair,

and then there's an echo bedpan underneath. And people are going nuts. Amplified out. People are just going nuts. I mean, the Rolls has a fart horn. Like everything. He gets out. He's shaking his hands.

Mostly to clear the fumes. Yes. He's waving it off. He's waving it off. And then he sits down. And he goes nuts. And then all of them who are dressed in brown. Yes. Because it's not orange. It then all of them who are dressed in brown. Yes.

Because it's not orange. It's not red. They're dressed in brown. They all immediately, like after the fart, they immediately all start fighting and having sex with each other. That would be incredible. And farting. And farting.

Of course. See, I always, look, I've never been involved in any kind of orgy scenes. You know, you wouldn't think that to look at me. No. I'm surprised I'm short. Totally. Totally. I'm surprised I was short. Totally. Totally. I get that a lot.

But I always thought like a horrific fart would ruin everything. Oh. You know? This guy. But in this commune, it sets it off. You ascend to another level. Just going nuts. Screeching each other and farting horribly.

Well, fame, of course, isn't free, and Flart has paid the price. When he arrived to work Thursday morning, he was asked to turn in his badge and uniform that have become iconic set pieces in his fart work. He streamed his firing live on Instagram. That's cool. The footage could be ripped straight from office space. His supervisor

asked him to stop recording. He calmly declines. His supervisor points out that he violated the private security company's policy about using phones on the job. They got him there. I got why they fired him. They literally said to him, you used your phone on the job, quote, an unusually

high amount of times. On top of that, he recorded himself while wearing the company uniform on a client's property. Flart denies nothing. He refused to sign the report detailing his behavior and says, quote, it's irrelevant at this point and then just walks away. Flart ain't taking

shit from nobody. He should have taken the uniform out and walked out farting and naked and just say, I am a god. This is part of the religion. It's the beginning of Rolling Stones Start Me Up. Yes.

This is part of the religion. And then it's the beginning of Rolling Stones' Start Me Up. Yeah, that. I worry. I know. Fart me up. Jay, we let you get there. I didn't see it coming.

Yeah. All right. That's where he wanted to go. But I worry that he is going to be a one shit wonder. One shit pony. That's great, too. A one shit wonder. I'm sorry that he is going to be a one-shit wonder. One-shit pony. That's great, too.

A one-shit wonder. I just want him walking out naked across the parking lot and farting me up starting. And he's farting. He's really pushing him out. His face is turning red. It's propelling him forward. You can somehow see his stomach muscles deep under the layers clenching. And he gets into his 92 Corolla.

Dodge fart. And it won't start. And then he's just screaming. and he's naked in the car. He's not turning over. God damn it. I'm still a God. Flart is so calm because he's already thinking about the next steps of his viral career. Quote, this is from Doug, my thought process is just run with this and see where it goes.

He's already making Paul Flart merchandise. Thank you. Oh, yes. He said, quote, we live in a society where this is a big popular thing right now, but next week, unless I'm doing more than keeping it going, it's going to be nothing. We're going to keep making content. We can do Paul Flart on vacation. Content is, by the way, a very loose term.

It's looser than his last shit. Yeah. And he's eaten a lot of cantaloupe recently. We can do Paul Fart on vacation. You know, throw in like a Hawaiian shirt and a hat of some sort and then just fart around Florida. We're just going to keep it going. I think it's already gone. I think it's gone.

Who's we? Who is we? I don't know if he knows what he's in for. No. Because, you know, everyone who wants to be famous, they think it comes with money. It does not. Right. And there's something really sad about being incredibly famous and having no money.

Yes. And for that. And my worry is, I remember we always heard those stories about how Bruce Willis and Sylvester Sloan and Schwarzenegger, those action movies where this hero took a lot of guff but was always indestructible. People would come up to him in bars and be like, hey, tough guy. Hey, Rocky. Hey, Rocky. Hey, Rocky, you want to fight, man? You ain't shit. He's going to get people

in bars. Hey, big fucker. Like poking him. Come on, fart, man. Fart, man. Fart, bro. You don't want that, dude. Bro, fart. I'm not a monkey. Please. I just want to eat a meal. Yeah. I just want to eat a golden crab. No, I'm going to let you eat that meal but you make sure that meal farts, dude. I'm going to be waiting right here. You better fart, meal. Yeah. I just want to eat a golden crab. No, I'm going to let you eat that meal, but you make sure that meal farts, dude. I'm going to be waiting right here.

You better fart, man. Yeah. My kid's right there. You better fart for my goddamn kid. Dude, you can't fart. Can you fart without, but do it for my brother? Yeah. Or just like, hey, I'm a big fan.

Farts on him. Yeah. And he's like, farts on Doug, and he's like, huh? It's for my brother. Can I open it for you? That was my favorite. There you go. That was my favorite when we one time we were at

our friend's book signing and kind of at at book soup in hollywood yeah brad melter who's been on this show best-selling author best-selling author walked down the street and chuck liddell pulled up was it chuck liddell i think so yeah new chuck liddell pulled up and he gets out and he's signing his book and we're like chuck liddell has a book i just imagine people showing up and being like come on just break my neck just and then he's like you put me we're like, Chuck Liddell has a book? I just imagine people showing up and being like, come on, just break my neck. And then he's like, put me in a headlight. Put your thumb in my throat and push up here. And then as he's doing it, he's just like, it's for

my brother. Do it for my brother. That's story one. Chuck Liddell, the inspiration for Rocky, for those of you who don't know. I'm sure every one of your listeners knows who that is. Down in the books. Story one is behind us. It's behind us, thankfully.

The Fartist, as Brian Post says, fantastic stand-up special. Also on the show, did a great job. Matt Brunger's with us. We'll talk about his podcast a little more

right after the break. This is Dumb People Town. Stay with us. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey guys, welcome back to DPT. We have Matt Bronger, who's a great follow, as we mentioned, on Instagram and Twitter.

You are at Matt Bronger. I'm just at Bronger. At Bronger on Twitter and Instagram. At Bronger. B-R-A-U-N-G-E-R. Correct. And the new podcast is up. It is out there. It's up and out.

Yeah, we're rounding the 10th episode now. It's called Advice from a Dipshit with Matt Bronger. There's a phone number that people can call and leave a message. They don't have to talk to anyone. And then my podcast producer and partner, Amanda, basically goes through them and finds the best calls. And then we listen to, like, three or four, and then that's it. It's half an hour long. She calls through.

She, like, goes and, like, thrift store shops through the phone calls and finds the best. It's half an hour long. She calls through. She goes and thrift store shops through the phone calls and finds the best. It's a lot better than it was, but there were some people that would call in with a lot of fake crap and they're trying to do a character.

Yeah. No, no, no. I want real stuff. Yeah. It doesn't have to be serious advice. And you play the call on the air. Yeah, yeah. You listen to it as I listen to it.

I don't hear it before I record. It doesn't have to be serious. It just needs to be honest. Yes. Thank you, Daniel. So listen to it as I listen to it. I don't hear it before I record. It doesn't have to be serious. It just needs to be honest. Yes. Thank you, Daniel. So if you're in this community and you want to participate in a hilarious and wonderful podcast, listen to it and maybe then call in and be a part of it. I just love that people are being...

This, to me, feels like a great podcast that you could do live. Yeah. I did one when I was still in the embryonic stage at High Plains Festival last year. And we're doing more. We're now booking stuff on the road and stuff. We'll probably do a couple in L.A. just for shits and gigs. But we did one at High Plains in a bookstore. And it was amazing to watch the crowd's face as they listened to it as I listen to it for the first time.

Right. And then you're creating the comedy in the moment. And by the way, also people can then come up to a microphone and give their things in the moment.

That's the second half of the show. Which is a great idea. If you want to come up and be non-anonymous. Well, what we've noticed is that, yeah, when we do live

Don't People Towns, people will come and bring their stories and they get to be Dan and read the story. And so Dan gets to play and riff on it for the first time

in the show it's so fun that's awesome alright well I hope you do a bunch more of them it's Advice from a Dipshit and it's you get it here

on the where do you get it basically it's on iTunes it's on you know we don't have like a home no

it's Amanda produces it it's independent but it's awesome but yeah what's the number it's 323 763 0228 No, Amanda produces it. It's independent. Great. It's awesome. But yeah, it's out there. What's the number? It's 323-763-0228.

Okay. Yeah, so I don't want you to do more talking. You guys ready to do another story? Let's do it. Let's do it. Another story. All right. Here we go.

Sent in by Chad Hunt at Chad underscore Wick Norris. Chad Wick Norris. Okay. But he said Chad. I don't know. All right. People throw me off, you townies. But thanks for sending this in.

Here we go. Floyd County, Kentucky. I thought that was a person's name. This is the... Old Floyd County from Lexington, Kentucky? Yeah. Floyd County, Kentucky. And I'm about to read you the best Kentucky name. If you're going to say we're taking to Kentucky and then I give you this character... Let's hear him.

Mason Tackett. Yep. Mason Tackett. Mason or Mason? Mason. Like a jar. That might be his middle name. That's where you put all your moonshine in the Mason Tackett. Mason Tackett's a great name. That is a really good name.

That's a hell of a handle. He's a carpenter. He's a whiskey maker. If you introduce yourself as Mason Tackett in an improv scene, that's going to help dictate where the scene goes just because of that name. Yeah, and we're talking like the 1940s or even

30s, 20s. That's the best moonshine runner in all of the... Mason Tackett? All the hollers. He unexpectedly had a gun pointed at him when he confronted an alleged burglar. That's your first deal. Just let it happen and call the cops. You don't need to confront everyone.

He said, quote, must have been a bad batch around here because Floyd County has gone crazy here in the last four days. Probably meth. Bad batch of meth. Neighbors notified Mason Tackett Bad batch of what? Moonshine? Probably meth. Bad batch of meth. Bad batch of people. Neighbors notified Mason Tackett that his cousin, Philip Matthew Hagans, was seen carrying items from his house.

That's our Mason's house. Yes. So his neighbors are like, Macy, you better get down here. Your cousin. That is so specific that they know the items from, there's no way that's from anyone's house but Mason's. Yeah, that's Mason's over. Macy, you better get down here. Your cousin. That is so specific that they know the items from, there's no way that's from anyone's house but Mason's. Yeah, that's Mason's house. He's the only one in the collection of that kind of figurine.

His name is on everything. Is your cousin supposed to be taking stuff out of your house? He's walking out with a lot of hummels. I'm going to show you guys a picture of Mason Tackett. He looks like a guy you're like, oh, I'll have a drink with this man. Ready? Just looks like a good time, fun dude. Yeah, he does look fun.

If you told me he was a rabbi, I'd be like, yep. If you told me he was Amish, I would say yes. If you told me that he was a limo driver for the limo company 777-7777 in New York City, I'd be like, yes. You know what Mason Tackett is? A perfect spy. He is a perfect spy. You could put him anywhere. If you told me he wrote the song Heard it in a love

song. I'd be like, yep. Dave Mason. Can't be wrong. Tackett. Yeah. Or anything by Bubba Sparks. There's a line in that song, Heard it in a love song, where he's talking about he's like, I gotta go tomorrow

and I don't want you coming because I don't need a woman tagging along he's basically like he kind of pejoratively says to this person like i love you so much but i can't have you here because i don't need some dumb ass woman yeah well on the one end it's like oh you don't think you deserve love on the other hand like maybe treat people like, oh, you don't think you deserve love. On the other hand, are you- Maybe treat people better. I think maybe you're gay. Yeah, exactly. You know, it's like the Brandy, you're a fine girl.

It's like, she works in a gay bar. Yeah, exactly. Brandy, stop. They're all like, you'd make a great wife. The Marshall Tucker. But my life, my love, and my lady is the C. You know, another round of mimosas. Okay, C-O-C.

Bottomless mimosas. Did I say the C? I meant C-Men. C-Men. I see it the C. Another round of mimosas. Okay. C-O-C. Bottomless mimosas. Did I say the C? I meant C-men. C-men. I see it in C. Quote, when I finally got down here to the house to look and see what happened, the door was standing wide open. Tackett pointed out, it looked like he was packing up for a yard sale.

No. Okay, stop, Chase. Is that a flute? Yeah. I thought that was Purdy Little Love Song. It's Hurdy Little Love Song. You got a purdy little mouth. It looked like he was packing up

for a yard sale. That's gotta be a... When you come out and the person robbing you has blankets on the front lawn with things laid out. Oh, I thought you wanted help with your yard sale, Mason. Is this your Vizio? I didn't know.

Maybe you guys could tell me what this means. He goes, so he comes out and he confronts his cousin, Philip Haggins. Sure. Where are you taking those things? Hey, Phil. Hey, Phil. What's going on? Get right now, Mason.

Busy. Busy with what? Is that my radio flyer wagon? Is it yours? Is it not yours? Full of all my figurines. I can't hear you. I'm right next to you.

I'm pretty sure those are my precious moments figurines you got there, Phil. I'm pretty sure you don't know what belongs to you and what doesn't. I'm just trying to help. Is that my Civil War chess set handcrafted in 5-4? Are those my genital-less love-ears figurines where they hold hands? What do they do with my truck nuts? My collection of trucks. Several.

He has a different set of truck nuts for every day of the week. Right. This is what he says. When he confronted his cousin, quote, he was lying throwing his hands. What does that mean? Oh, all over the place. Oh, like, I don't know. It's like a tell in poker. You What does that mean? Oh, all over the place. Oh, like, I don't know. It's like a tell in poker.

You know what I mean? You start flailing about. Uh-huh. Like a monkey. Oh, that's insane. You know, like, are you stealing from me? That's insane. Well, yeah, he wasn't,

Philip wasn't good at hiding his crime because he immediately started saying stuff like, quote, I didn't do it. I didn't do it. And then Mason says, I didn't say you did I didn't do it. And then Mason says. I didn't say you did anything. No one said anything. No one asked if you did anything.

No one asked to the evidence. Hey, Phil, I didn't do it, I didn't do it, I didn't do it, I didn't do nothing. You know, I mean, that song, It Wasn't Me by Shaggy, that doesn't work in real life. No, it does not, especially with that amount of evidence. No, with a radio flyer wagon full of figurines. He said, he was flailing his hands out saying, I didn't do it. You know how rogues do. Rogues.

Are we back to this, Jay? Stop. Jay wants to get to the lyrics so bad. Jay just loves that flute solo. He does. He really does. What is a rogue? You know how rogues do.

Jason Sklar. It's a person. That's Jay. That's what a rogue does. Just keeps playing the damn. You got it. You mean a person who doesn't give a shit? Yeah.

Basically, like going rogue. You're off the reservation. You're off the team. I'm going off the plan. I thought he had a category for personality types based on X-Men characters. Well, I mean, he is going classic literature using that term. Yeah, that's true. Mason, dude.

He's quite the rogue. I told you Mason looks cool. Mason does look cool. My cousin's what you call a miscreant. Wow. That's a $5 word, Mason. Hey, man, that's anti-disestablishment. Terrorism.

Where are you going with that, Phillip? You know how rogues do. Blame it on everybody else. Do I know how rogues do. Blame it on everybody else. Do I know how rogues do? That's not really what a rogue... That is how they do. That is not how they do. Rogues just go off.

The confrontation took a... Dangerous turn. Once Tackett found items belonging to him. It's your house, Mason. They all belong to you. Yeah, that's... That means for a second he tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. Why are you taking all your stuff out of my house?

Did he Columbo him? Did he turn around? All right. I'll take off. Just one more thing. Oh, no. I have to ask you one more question. One more.

I went around to the back of the house he was at and seen my stuff. And then I came back out and he pulled a gun on me when I got back around the house, explained Tackett as he held up his hand like a gun. That's good so that everybody following along knows exactly. Oh, it's pulled a gun on me when I got back around the house, explained Tackett as he held up his hand like a gun. That's good so that everybody following along knows exactly. Oh, it's like a gun that you shoot. I didn't realize what you had said until you made it. When you said gun, I thought it was... He's forgetting his improv training. You never make the sign of a

gun. You pretend to hold it. Don't play the problem, play the solution. Thank you. He said, quote, I guess he thought I was upset with him. Which means he went around to the back of the house and Phil was like, I gotta up this ante when he comes back out here. And it's kind of sad that that's the proliferation of guns in our country. It's like, you know, someone pulls a gun on you and your first thought is, I guess he thinks I'm upset with him. Yeah, I know, right?

Look, his right to point a gun at me is sovereign. I should think about what's wrong with me. Yeah, I don't want to block that. If he chooses to shoot me, that's his God-given right. What did I do wrong to deserve that? I do, yeah. There's no I guess about this. Also,

pull a gun on somebody while saying I didn't do nothing, that doesn't hold up. Now you're doing two things. That's a real bad tell. You're talking out of both sides of the gun. He's the worst. Phillip's the worst poker player. Phillip should never play poker. Ever. A full house?

I mean, no, no, no. No, no, no. Don't yell. That's too loud. Don't yell. Items Higgins allegedly, that's Phil, allegedly took are not normally the target of a would-be burglar. Quote, this is from Mason, it's the most random assortment of things.

It looked like he was getting ready to go to a pallet sale. We're not the third thing in this article that I do not know what that is. What is a pallet sale? I love that he's using like... You put everything on a wooden pallet? Like a cellar house? At Costco? Is that a Costco?

I think it's a garage sale for people who don't have garages because their houses are mobile homes. I bet there's all kinds of pallet activity. There's probably a pallet concert. There's probably people that are pallet stand-ups. They only do stand-up on the pallets. On the pallet stand-ups. Yeah. I'm in a pallet band. You's probably a pallet concert. There's probably people that are pallet stand-ups. They only do stand-up on the pallets. On the pallet stand-ups. Yeah. I'm in a pallet band.

You've done the pallet festival? I just signed a three-pallet deal. Tackett says he cannot understand why Phil took some of the things that he did. I'm going to now play you a little video. Oh, God. All right, ready? Normally the target of a would-be burglar. Who steals a cheese grater.

Come on. He's got the worst Lysol. He stole an empty bottle of Spray. What are you doing with an empty bottle in your house? What hurt me the most was my soap. What? He stole my soap. You stole my soap? Who steals soap?

Philip Hagen. Is he doing a character? He's doing a character. Who stole my soap? That sounds... Who steals soap? I've spent time in Kentucky. That's real.

That is organic. That's real. And I should say, for those of you listening, you might think he's holding up a pube-encrusted bar of soap. He is not. No.

He is not. That is a dove body wash. A dove body wash. A clean bottle of dove body wash. Who stole my soap? Yeah. Who stole my soap?

By the way, it's not that hard to, like, who steals soap? Someone who needs soap will steal soap! By the way, it's not that hard to... Like, who steals soap? Someone who needs soap. We'll steal soap. By the way, we will post this video on the Facebook page so you can see what this man looks like. He's kind of amazing. This may be your video.

It does feel like Zach Galifianakis in a fat suit doing a character. Hey, Sto! Tackett says he plans to file additional charges against Higgins. Philip Higgins is charged with receiving stolen property. He took it. He's receiving it for himself. And being convicted of a felony with a firearm.

His hearing is set for August 28th at 1.30 p.m. in the Floyd District Court if anybody wants to go. If any of our fans go to this, I will be stoked. Please somebody take photos. Who steals soap? If you go to this trial, please stand up. Please, somebody, if you go to this trial, please

stand up in the court and say, I steal soap, and then walk out of the courtroom. I would actually do one further so as to not risk getting arrested. Just wear a t-shirt that says I steal soap. And take a picture of yourself in that courtroom. If anybody knows Mason Tackett,

we'd love to talk to him, see how he's doing. Mason, give us a call. We'll get a new bottle yourself in that courtroom. If anybody knows Mason Tackett, we'd love to talk to him, see how he's doing. Mason, give us a call. Just a check-in. We'll get a new bottle of Lysol. So his cousin just walks around with a gun. Yeah, I know. And then it's just like,

I'm going to steal some stuff from my relative. I got to get it. Where am I going to go? My relative catches him, and he's like, where else am I going to go? Where am I going to go to get an empty bottle of Lysol? You know how you watch Batman Returns, you know, with the Joker and Heath Ledger's amazing performance? A whole time you watch that movie and you're like, Dark Knight, excuse me.

He's like, how, Batman Returns was the one before that. He's like, how did the Batman, or did the Joker put all these things in line? Yes. His planning is insane. Insane. You know, at one point he makes all his own clothes. I think Mason's cousin does the Joker one better

because the planning is incredible. By the way, he stole an empty bottle of Lysol so it wouldn't make sense. The empty bottle of Lysol is the decoy for the other stuff. The soap is the decoy for the other stuff. The Lysol is literally there to cover up

the scent of the seal. Some men just want to watch the world foam. They want to watch the world foam. They don't care. They can't be bullied. They can't be bought. There you go, Brian. That's a great way to go out on segment two. I think the t-shirt is now Soap the World.

Soap the World. Soap the World. And Soap Up the Night, which is your first comedy album, Soap Up the Night. All right. One more segment. Dan, what are we looking at? Give it a little tease for the last story. It's horrific. Okay.

Okay. That's it. All it is, it's horrific. We got Matt Bronger here. Follow him on Twitter. Follow him on Instagram, at Bronger. Go see him live. Where can they see your dates, Matt Bronger?

Just mattbronger.com. mattbronger.com. Go see him live. He's got a special that's going to beronker.com. MattBronker.com. Go see him live. He's got a special that's going to be coming out in a little bit. Very excited about that. It's called Finally Live in Portland. Great. Finally Live in Portland.

I remember when we were promoting people to go out and see it. Yes. It went live, so I'm sure it went well. We'll come back with a very horrific story on Dope People Town. Stay with us. Stick around. Make it a very horrific story on Dumb People Town stay with us stick around make it sound for more

Dumb People Town hey guys welcome back to Dumb People Town we want to remind people who listen to this show we are signing up people to our drip

that's d.rip slash dpt we have signed up at this point at this point. At this point, we're like at 163. That's great.

163 people that want to be a founding member of this town. We need to get to 5,000. I'm just saying that. We want to help Jan. If we want to help Jan Flato,

a portion of the money goes to that man. We want to remind you guys that this is your way to participate, get extra content, get swag, come see us, hang with us, live at shows. There are all kinds of different levels that you can

contribute and be a part of. We're really excited about it. We've already gotten great feedback on the little things that we're doing. So we want you guys to be a part of it. And soon we're going to start to shout out everybody who has at the level who has donated and we can shout your names out and we're happy to do that. But we we're gonna sort of collect all that stuff and get going on that we still a couple more weeks to be a founding member yeah please do it uh and uh let's get to 5 000 we got the facebook page up over 20 000 let's get to 5 000 25 000 25 yeah we're coming up on 25 000 let's do it i know you guys can do it all right last story ready yep i going to read you the headline. Yes. UFC fighter Bryce Mitchell drilled his nuts apart. Nope.

No. Drilled them apart? This was sent in by Joe Luttrell at the Gentleman Joe. Thank you, Joe. This hurts to hear it. I'm going to. My voice just went, I lost breath. Right.

Yeah. Quote from Bryce Mitchell. So I was going to train today, but I ripped my nutsack in half. Bear with me, people. That begins a Homeric Facebook post by UFC featherweight Bryce Mitchell. This is the a screaming comes across the sky of our time. Whoever writing this really feels a lot of gravity for the situation. Yeah, it's poetic.

It's a poetic telling of a dumb story. If someone started the thing, hey, UFC's more violent than it needs to be, or violence is pervasive. Well, okay. Now, to clear the air, there's no drill involved here. Yeah. No, there is. There is.

Oh, God. Yep. He drilled his nuts apart. So how exactly did this did Mitchell sashimi his pouch? Jesus Christ. Sashimi his pouch. Picture a volleyball getting stuck in the axle of a car.

Picture an immersion blender inflicting itself upon two hard-boiled eggs. Picture a circus clown ceaselessly twisting in the same balloon animal over and over. I don't want to picture any of that. Picture a cotton candy machine working in reverse. Stop!

Dan, are you adding things? This is all part of the article. Yeah, I am. I'm fucking good, Dan. Picture a plastic straw being twisted from both ends until a small, burstable pocket of air forms in the middle. Mitchell is 10-0. Picture a bright blue ball just spinning, spinning free.

Mitchell is 10-0 in his pro MMA career against humans, but he is 0-1 against his nuts. Power tools. Okay, fine. Quote, so I was going to train today, but I ripped my nut sack in half. Why? Why? Why did you do that? I'm about to get stitched up.

I was holding a bar over my head with a drill in my pants. I was sizing up the board, and the drill went off and tangled my nuts. Oh, the drill went off. Come on. I'm going to tell you right now. A fight goes off. If you're still listening at this point, it doesn't get better. Oh.

Okay, so can I say this? That when I was in- You can say anything. when I was in- You can say anything. When I was in shop class in seventh grade. Shop class. This is when they used to teach typing. Matt, are you okay?

I was in shop class. I was in shop class in seventh grade. I was just having flashbacks. I had a drill. I had a drill in my hand. They just let us have drills. I had a drill. And I was a Jewish 12-year-old kid.

Sure. And had never had power tools in my hands ever up to that point. And I don't know what I was doing, but I pressed, the drill was kind of like the bit was facing towards my stomach and I pressed it just to see if it would start and it grabbed my shirt. It was a yellow button down shirt and it started to twist twisted, twisted, twisted, twisted a hole in it. Everyone came over. Like, I almost put that drill in my stomach. Yep.

But it was me, and I was 12, and I was an idiot. This is a grown man with a drill in his pocket. This is why you get a tool belt. I got one drill in my pocket. And the other one is making a peace sign. Everyone's ripping my nuts out. Okay. I was sizing up a board and the drill went off

and tangled my nuts up in it. First of all, I'm going to tell you, I'm reading this is a post he made. He's too calm. Yeah. Okay. Why are you posting? I dropped the board. Why are you posting between the incident and getting it stitched up? Like he said, I got to go get it stitched up.

I think he's getting ahead of it. I think there's so much attention on UFC fighters and stuff. He's like, this story's getting out. It's so weird. Or he's like, shit, I got to post today. I got to post. I have to get a post in. I don't have any follows.

When am I going to do it? I dropped the board and reversed the drill and untangled my nutsack. Good. But they was ripped in half. They was ripped. I'm serious too, LOL. He is too cavalier about this. Look, I can tell why this guy is 10-0.

This guy is like, LOL, you broke my arm. I'm going to choke you out with the shards of a broken arm. I'm going to choke you out with the shards of a broken arm. Yeah, this guy is... I'm going to rip my own arm off and choke you out with it. He can stand a lot of pain. You know, we cover a lot in Dumb People Town.

If you take away one thing from this show, don't put a power drill in your pocket. Never. Never. Yeah. Ever. Don't even forget one's in your hand. Don't point it at your abdomen And turn it out

What was that song It was in the soundtrack of the first Jackass movie If you're gonna be dumb you gotta be tough And I mean that's True words are never spoke That's it, fact He dropped the board and reversed the drill Which released his scrotum

But it was ripped in half I'm serious too too, LOL. I obviously can't post it. It's not LOL. There's nothing laugh out loud funny about what you just said. I doubt you're actually LOLing. No. You know what, though?

I remember guys that would get sports injuries and be like, check out the bones. Look at this, man. Look. It's sticking out. Yeah. There were guys like that. They're in shock, right? Pretty much, yeah.

But I could see him. He tore his balls open. LOL. His sack open, LOL. And he was like, bro, come here. Come in the garage. Check it out, bro. His buddy who's watching cartoons and eating cereal comes in.

And he's like, check it up, my nuts. And his buddy vomits all over the ground. And he's laughing. And he's like, oh, where's my phone? I got to film this. I bet it was LOL for that guy I mean if I'm the buddy and I come in and see it After I throw up I'd just very calmly say

These nuts Quote But when my nuts are sealed back up I'ma come train again By the way my favorite go-go song My nuts are sealed I think a high kick would re-rip them. Ha ha.

It's not funny. Somebody's got to teach him comedy. And if I hear any shitty puns about how this whole thing is nutty or screwed up, I ain't talked to you for about a month. By the way, nutty or screwed up is funnier than anything that he had said. Those are closer to LOL. He's going to ruin so many people's experiences. And dinners.

Happy hours at Chili's. Yep. And dinners. Don't get me started. And just hanging and like, oh, you think that's a story. Yeah. Oh, hey, the sutures are bleeding a little. Right here in my nuts.

That's not ketchup in my nuts. I tore them in half with a screw drill. If you're going to drop a pun to make fun of me, at least put some thought into it. LOL. Oh, my God. That's not funny. Nope. LOL.

You are LOLing at the wrong moment, bro. Maybe it ripped through his sense of humor. Yeah. This is what the author of this article said. This is the perfect post. The horrifying play-by-play of the drill-driven nut unzipping is balanced with a certain vagary that enlivens the tale with a sense of morbid curiosity. Which is to say, I'm amazed my man carved up his nuts like a Thanksgiving turkey.

I have some questions about the logistics, though. Where exactly was the drill? In his pants? Yeah, it was in his pocket. Yes, it was. Was it hanging in a loop of sorts? No. Right there to be jostled sackward?

Yes. Was it stuck straight against the waistband? No. No. It was sticking. Right there to be jostled sackward? Yes. Was it stuck straight against the waistband? No. Has this person never used a drill? Dummy. It's in the pocket with the drill piece pointing towards it. Now you're dumber than the guy who did that. Look, and if you're very relaxed, your sack hangs loose.

Yes. And I think the drill just caught part of it. Probably wasn't wearing underwear. Then he says, the author wants to know, how many revolutions did the drill make before the twisting was stopped? 45 and a half. I would say enough. Yeah.

One is too many. How did his dick just survive the carnage? Because a drill can't drill when it doesn't touch. Because your dick isn't in your balls. Right. I reached out to Mitchell, and I'll update the post if he elaborates on what went wrong. When, again, he unfurled his own balls with a haywire drill. See, this is just like someone being like, I want specific.

You have all the specific. You have all the specifics. You have all the things you need. I agree. I think we have more than everything we need. We're going to get out of here on this, and I apologize in advance for it. And if you go to the Facebook page,

I love that you're there, but it's on you. If you play audio, I'm walking out. I will not. He then posted another message, that's Mitchell, with the words, I'm going to be out for a little bit, along with this image. And as I scroll to it and show you guys, it's not of his testicles.

I'm going to be. But it is evidence of the wound. I'm sorry. Okay. Okay. Fair enough. Wow. Yep.

That's his boxer briefs and like a hat and some other stuff. It went in. That's a lot of blood, man. Yeah. I mean, I think that's probably what's the only thing in there. And I don't mean to be... Besides your balls and a couple veins. I don't mean to be all Midnight Cowboy on this, but hat on the bed, that's bad luck. That's just bad luck.

He's got even worse luck coming. Yeah, you know what I mean? You want to wear this hat on the bed. I look at the blood on those boxers and I have one thought. LOL. That's all I can take. Matt Bronger, thanks for joining us. Thank you, guys.

I've done people town. I got the number. Here's the number to call in. If I said it wrong before, please edit it out, but it's 323-763-0228. I think that's what you said. Leave a message.

I was around there, but just to be safe. 228. It's advice from a dipshit with Matt Bronger. Check it around there, but just to be safe. 228. 228. It's advice from a dipshit with Matt Bronger. Check it out. You're going to love it. I think you'll love it. If you love this show, it's just a little click over on your –

it's a little twist revolution over on the drill on your nuts. A lot of times it's like the people you guys are talking about are calling in. Right. And what do I do? I've just drilled my nut. Don't you want to hear that? Oh. He called me right –

Oh. Oh. LOL, man. You never guess what just happened Matt would be like First start by stopping LOLing Yes And then we'll go from there And then we'll go from there Alright we're going to do an episode

Of that show with you Which would be very fun I would love to do that The three of you need to come on as guests We'll bring in a Dumb People Town A little Dumb People Town Flavor Flavor to it

Absolutely It'll be a Marvel crossover. I love it. Fantastic. Nice. And, oh shit, we've got to get back to work. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb.

Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Stick around. Make a sound. Knock it down. It's Dumb, dumb, dumb Stick around, make a sound Come here down, it's Dumb People Town