Dumb People Town - Matt Lieb - Spit For Help

Episode Date: November 12, 2021

This week Matt Lieb comes to town to hang with Daniel, Jason and Randy. This week's story is about a situation with restaurant security.

Skypains, out of here. Hey, townies, welcome to a Friday episode of Dumb People Town. Population U. Population Lieb. Matt Lieb. welcome to the show. Happy to be here. Happy to have you. Thank you for coming to town. Yeah.

It's a long time coming, and we wanted it ever since we got a chance to see you and do your fantastic show in Sober Lake. Yeah, yeah. What a joy. What's the show? It's called The Happies. It's no longer there. It was such a good show that it got shut down. It got shut down for the laughs being too loud.

He crushed so hard, Dan, in this outro venue. So has it revived? It's now in downtown LA. Where at? It's at a bar. It's called Here and Now. It's in the Arts District, but everyone I know does not live there. It's mostly people from

the buildings the surrounding buildings so uh yeah no one will come okay we need to get we're gonna work on that we're gonna we're gonna fix the thing it's a great show dan should come do it yeah yeah i would love to it's a lot of fun we won't get shut down again so here's what i'm saying yeah i don't get big laughs so you don't have to worry about it. A really good comedy show that gets shut down because of too much laughter is stupid. And that is a great place to start on this podcast because we believe the world is getting dumb in so many ways.

It's a dumb world. You've talked about on stage so many great stories about your dad and there was just such stupidity in the things that came your way. One of my favorite jokes that I've heard. Your dad, what did he come up with? He sent back soup at the cafe in the Holocaust Museum.

As a Jew. Yeah, as a Jew, which is one of the most embarrassing situations I've ever been in. Or the greatest. I mean, I look back at it now and I go, that was a bold move, you know, to be surrounded by Gentiles learning about anti-Semitism. And you're giving them a lesson. Yeah. You look back at it now and I go, that was a bold move. Yeah. To be surrounded by Gentiles learning about anti-Semitism. And you're giving them a lesson. Yeah. You're perpetuating it.

People are like, is this part of the tour? Yeah. They thought it was a test. Is he work for the museum? Yeah. Oh, is this another stereotype exhibit? It's like, no, this is a real dude. This is my dad.

This is the cafeteria and this is my dad. Submersive art. This is my dad. Dan, should we jump into a story? You ready? Let's do it. This was sent in by Jake's Giving dad. Submersive art. This is my dad. Dan, should we jump into a story? You ready? Let's do it. This was sent in by Jake's Giving Turkey. He changed it for the holiday.

At Jake Groney. Yes. Jake Groney sent it in. Okay. Solid. We've got a big, dumb couple. Ready? Oh, God.

A big, dumb couple. I love a big, dumb couple. Troy Michigan. Have you guys ever been to Troy? By the way, that could be the guy's name. Oh, 100%. Troy Michigan is Darla McGee. And he's going to lose

to Ricky the Steamboat. Troy Michigan, he comes out in... Fighting in this corner. He's a jobber. He just comes out in a blue. He's got white boots on and a blue leg speedo. No jacket. Or if he has a jacket, it's like a satin baseball jacket. Right. And he also is one of those pro wrestlers who's just there to lose.

He comes out trying to high-five everybody, but nobody's high-fiving him back. He's the heel. And he goes and leans on the ropes really hard. Dan, he goes, his first move is to lean on the ropes. A big lean. Really hard. To get ready, he does a load his elbow. Doesn't have pads on.

Just loading them up. And everybody else is just going to get nachos. Right. Okay. Troy, Michigan. Attorney for Just loading them up. Just loading them up. And everybody else is just going to get nachos. Okay. Troy, Michigan. Attorney for hire. Police said a couple was getting very drunk one night at a Troy restaurant when a Dearborn woman struck a security guard with a can of Red Bull. And that's only half of it.

Wait. So she's not part of the couple? No, she is. That would be great. That was like a look over here. That's a separate story. There's so many dumb people they have to focus on. This couple's getting super drunk, but then this woman.

Wait, is this the type of bar that they make you mix your own drinks? Well, so, okay. These two are getting- You want vodka in Red Bull? You mix it. Drink the vodka first, and then you mix it in your stomach. And then you jump up and down why is that hard for you to understand so they're they're at a troy restaurant but she's

from dearborn which i think is the newspaper being like look not one of us yeah okay we know dearborn as this comes from click on detroit.com uh troy a troy restaurant the dearborn woman struck a security guard with a can of red bull and that's only half of it. Detroit police were called at 1256 a.m. Thursday. So there's a Wednesday night party. Hump day. Hump day. To the Manjin Lao restaurant in East Maple Road. Wait, this isn't a bar?

No. This is a restaurant. It's at a Chinese restaurant. Why does a Chinese restaurant need a security guard, Dan? That's my question. Dude, ready for this? I looked some stuff up. We're going to find out their ratings and reviews.

Listen to their hours. Okay? Thursday, they close at 9.30 p.m. Okay. Friday, Saturday, 10.30 p.m. Okay, normal for a restaurant, by the way. Sunday, 9 p.m. They want that half hour back.

Yeah, sure. All right. Yeah. Monday, 9 p.m. They want that half hour back. Yeah, sure. All right. Yeah. Monday, 9 p.m. Okay. By the way, nothing out of the order. So far, it's normal. It's surprising or shocking.

Tuesday, party starts to come back to life, 9.30 p.m., like we were on Thursday. But by the way, right now, I just want you to know, Matt Lieb, Jason, and I are very comfortable with the hours of this restaurant. Yes. We're all on board with what they're choosing. They close at 2 a.m. What? Why? Why? Why is that their day? Why? Why did they decide? hours of this restaurant. Yes, we're all on board with Wednesday. They close at 2 a.m. Why? Why is that their day?

Why did they decide? What business strategy do they have? Is the security guard there the whole week? Guys, we got Wednesdays. He's hired for Wednesday. That's the only time David can work late, so we'll stay open. We've tried to do it without him and it is not a good idea.

No, that's not a good idea. In Troy, Michigan. The husband has told the wife who owns this restaurant that it is not going to get crazy. I'm telling you. It's like, babe, babe, it's not going to get crazy. It's just two more hours to make money. Now, I will say this. Let's say you find yourself in a time where you've moved into a new place.

You spent all day and night moving in. If it happened to be a Wednesday, and you found out that there is still a Chinese place open at 1245 at night, how happy? Oh, my God. No one's going to be mad at a place being open that late. You just have to expect to have someone punch people with Red Bull. Chinese food as fourth meal makes a lot of sense. And first.

Yeah. And first meal. First meal of the new day. First of the new day. Okay. At 1 a.m. What do you guys think the rating is out of five stars? Throw in a decimal point because it does get that specific.

Are you talking about on Yelp? On Google because they get more specific with the actual decimal points. What do you think the rating is for Manjin Lao Restaurant on East Maple Road? Matt, what do you think? I would say, I mean, it's open late Wednesday, and they have a security guard. Well, yeah, you're right. They do. Yes, you're right.

So there's probably been a lot of drama. I'm going to say that most normal people who would actually go and rate restaurants, they're not rating it high. So I'm going to say 2.6. 2.6. Jason? Just on a five-star scale, Ben? Yes. I'm going to say 3.1. 3.1. Jason? Just on a five-star scale? Yes. I'm going to say 3.1.

3.1, sir, is my answer. 3.7. Okay. I think there are a lot of people who are like, that's my joint. That's where I go late night Wednesday. 4.3. Whoa! People love it.

It is good. They love it. 8.1 on Rotten Tomatoes. Is it the only open thing in the town of Troy? I guarantee you it's close. I guarantee you. If it's halfway decent, it's going to get a good rating. Do you want to guess how many people have submitted reviews?

Yes. To get to a 4.3? Absolutely. The whole town. What if it's two? Three. Three? No.

What do you think, Matt? It's got to be a lot. I'm going to say 120. Okay. 57. 57. 2,000. 2,000? got to be i mean it's it's got to be a lot i'm gonna say 120 okay 57 57 2000 2000 the amount of reviews to get to a 4.3 rating for monday's gonna tell a lot yeah 1427 oh my god right wait a second so this is a place this is this is not a joke this is not a flyby, whatever. This might be what they're known for. They have a security guard just on,

there's a volume alone. Like, guys, you cannot sit there. That table's reserved. They're reviewing the restaurant. Right. A security employee at the restaurant told police that workers tried to remove a Dearborn woman and a Detroit man after multiple complaints.

This tells you everything you need to know about these two. Tried to remove. Wait till I tell you what the complaints were, and you'll you need to know about these two. Wait till I tell you what the complaints were and you'll be like, I know these people. Multiple complaints. I'm calling them Brian with a Y, obviously. And Annie. I don't know why, but that's just where I went. After multiple complaints

that Brian and Annie were smoking inside. You can't do that. Is that not allowed? No. It's a classy joint. You can't do that. Is that not allowed? Not in Washington or Michigan. No, it's a classy joint. Yeah, and it's cold outside. Sir, you can't smoke inside.

Who doesn't know that now? Who's doing it? You're in your car and you look over and somebody's smoking with the windows up and you're like, you have you are living your own life. What hell are you? Or you're on a plane and the plane's about to take off and someone just gets up and starts going through the overhead compartment.

What are you doing here? I want to tell those people smoking in their car. Or like, when's the last time you saw someone just in a living room, sit on a couch, smoke a cigarette? I'm like, you're ruining all your furniture and your clothes. I want to tell them, I'm like, call your kids. Yeah. He's not coming back.

They're going to do that. Just so you know, he's not coming back. Dan, not going to do that. They're living their best life, dude. I don't judge. They're living their best life. It's going to be short. It's going to be a short life.

It's a lot shorter than normal lives. Our friend flew on Polish Airlines, and the right half of the plane was smoking, and the left half was non-smoking. And that is Poland. Come on, Poland. Polish Airlines. They're going to make jokes about you. You've got to stop doing stuff.

Your stupid stuff like that. And I say this very, very seriously, Poland. You're better than that. You are. So Brian and Annie, people keep complaining that they're smoking inside. The workers tried to remove the Dearborn woman and the Detroit man. That's also Troy being like, neither one of them. We don't know how they ended up in Troy.

How do you try and remove someone and fail? Doesn't Dearborn woman sound like it could have been the second follow-up to L.A. woman by the doors? Dearborn woman. Man, a little woman with a bottle of Red Bull. That was good. That was not bad. When workers tried to remove the couple, the woman shoved a security guard

and struck him in the face with a can of Red Bull. I said bottle. That's also, never give the can. Wait, why is Red Bull not coming in bottles? There's no bottles. It's all cans. It's all cans. It's all cans. It's all cans.

Little mini cans. It's always thin cans. Very thin. Thin. Yeah. Phallic cans. Yes. Phallic.

They're very phallic. Yeah. Police said the woman bit a different security employee on the floor. They got more than one security guard. Multiple security detail. There's like fewer people around Kanye than at this restaurant. Do you guys picture she is in a full-on fight with these two security guards, hitting with cans,

like Jackie Chan, finding weapons, right? And I picture him never getting up from his seat, just low-main, and he's like, I told you she was gonna fight you. Smoking and eating. That's why I love her. She's a pistol, you know? She'll just bite security guards, throw cans at them. That's my girl!

Also, he's like blaming them. You shouldn't have started with it. Yeah, yeah. Well, you started telling her not to smoke, and that's kind of her trigger. Don't fight back. Don't fight back. That's just going to encourage her. She's only going to get madder.

Trust me, I know. She's hungry. That's why she took a bite out of you. And you know, Danny, what a year is like on the XL. Trust me, I know. Yeah, yeah. It's all this coming. on the X out.

Trust me, I know. Yeah, yeah. It's all this coming. As security staff members restrained the couple and led them out the front doors. I also hope the whole time he's like, what did I do? Yeah. What did I do? I didn't bite nobody. One of those cigarettes that won't fall out of the mouth.

Well, can I at least get a doggy bag? I didn't finish my moogle got past. So they were as staff members restrained the couple and led them out the front doors to the parking lot the man started to spit at them which now to me that's the most offensive thing so far now you're worse yes the spitting is a very very weird employees terrible thing to do employees declined to pursue charges against the man why i know i'd be like we can ring his ass up, too. They're afraid. Because you're afraid that guy's going to walk back in there.

I don't know. I mean, you do have a security guard, and I'm assuming it's armed, but maybe only on Wednesdays. He's doing bio-warfare with a spit. That's it. Same with a bite, though. They're both kind of like a bio-warfare. In a pandemic. In a pandemic, it's not good.

How dare you? The couple told police they had been on a date. God, don't you hope it's the first first blind i hope they met there best day ever yeah i mean they found each other if this was their first day she was smoking in the corner and he's like hey i like her she's a rebel yeah they they met on they met on matchstick.com the couple told police they'd been on a date when a security guard punched the dearborn woman in the face. Doubt it. That's not good.

That's what they're saying. No, they're saying that's what happened. Here's what I love. So the cops now are like, well, we got to talk to her to see. Did you get punched in the face? She doesn't take anything extra. She's like she said she had. She did have a cut on her chin, but she told police it was from falling.

So she could have gone down that road. She's like, no, I fell. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie on you. I did this to me. Yeah, I'll bite you, but I will never defame you. I will not dehumanize you to a point of lying. Officers said both the Dearborn woman, that'd be Annie, and the Detroit man, Brian, with a Y, were highly intoxicated.

Yeah. Police arrested the woman on suspicion of aggravated assault and assault and battering. I know, they get it both. We're coming and going. Get it. She was taken to the Detroit Police Department lockup facility. That's the TPDLUF.

If you're nasty. Yep. A member of the security staff told employees he didn't want to pursue charges against the woman. Now, are we going to take a break? But it's not done there. We're going to take a break. Okay, guys.

When we come back, we're going to find out everything Matt's up to. We'll probably tell you some of the things we have going on, and we'll finish up this story. I love it. Don't go anywhere. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more at Old People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to the show.

Before we get into how you can follow Matt Lieb and what you can check him out doing, go to danielvankirk.com. Yeah. All the digital stuff that Dan does is so much. Oh, bingo, trivia night, camp nights, game nights. Dan, I tried to log into bingo. Did you see me?

I was out to Halloween go. I was outside. No, it's okay. Rand crushed it for the whole thing. Rand did it before me, and then we were about to get up and do a show at Supermova, and I waited in the waiting room

for like five minutes, and then we had to get on stage. Yeah, it's really fun. All that stuff's at danielvankirk.com. Plus, I have a Patreon where I still do episodes of The Good Night Show. The Good Year Show is coming up soon. Amazing.

Plus, Movie Club, it's not a watch-along. It's a get-together-and-talk-about-a-movie. We just all watch it independently, but it's a not a watch along, it's a get together and talk about a movie we just all watched independently but it's a lot of fun stuff and then my tour starts back up in September, I'm sorry,

in March but I will be doing dates here in town as well as a couple of one-offs. All that stuff's at danielvankirk.com so look for me on the road as well.

All right, we have a Patreon, Skulled Brothers, patreon.com Skulled Brothers, new episodes of Cheap Seats, Cheaper Seats and we're doing, we're going down to record the next ones,

the next two months tomorrow. We're doing the Balloon World Championship. You are going to? Okay, I was going to ask. The Balloon World Championship. Just remember when a kid kept the balloon in the air? They made it into a competition. They made it into a world championship.

Let me tell you something. Peru takes on Germany, and it is insane. Is it who can go the highest? No, no. Who can keep it off the ground? Who can stay in the ground? Yeah, but then they have obstacles in there like a car and a couch and a desk. Oh shit.

All in this like concealed... It's insane. It's like up. It's like up, but it's down. That's what they should call it. We're going to make that joke. It's so funny and it's so good. Thank you, Matt Lee. And then go to supersclarge.com. We have a bunch of dates.

So Randy and I have made a commitment to being, we cut down our performing by like maybe one. Every month. You know, one trip a month. So now we're down to one a month. They're all great cities and great dates. Plus, you guys are doing New Year's Eve. People should come hang with you.

Okay, so Rochelle, Illinois. If you're no Dan Van Kirk and you want to come down to Aurora, Illinois, we've never been. We're going to be at the Comedy Shrine. We have so many fans and friends in Chicago. They should come out. Comedy Shrine, come see us. Let us be your New Year's entertainment.

Yeah, with Nate, I'm sure. Anyway, all that stuff's available. Matt Lieb, tell people how they can follow you and how they can come see your ongoing show and anything else you might be doing. Oh, yeah. how they can come see your ongoing show and anything else you might be doing. Oh, yeah. You can follow me on Instagram at Matt Leib Jokes

or Twitter at Matt Leib. That's L-E-I-B. L-I-E-B. Live. Live. Live. You're a liber. Yeah.

And then also I do a couple of podcasts. One is a Sopranos podcast called Pod Yourself a Gun, the world's only Sopranos podcast. Pod Yourself a Gun, the world's only Sopranos podcast. Wow. Don't look at, don't look it up. And I also do

the Fratcast, which is like, we talk about movies and shit. Great. And locally, people should come to come to Here and Now

every Thursday in downtown LA and see The Happies, The Happies Comedy on Instagram. So you had so much fun doing that show. It's a great show. It's such a fun show.

Always with good guests, and it's just fun to see live comedy. It's a great time. Do that. It's outdoors, so you don't have to worry about COVID. You feel good. You'd be safe. I mean, look, some people might be throwing Red Bulls at security guards, but we don't know.

This is the town that we're in. Back to the story. Dan. Okay, you ready? Yes. So they arrest the woman. We find out later on they don't want to press charges. No.

But until that happens, she's gone. They take her off. She's gone. Detroit police said the Detroit man was offered help to find a ride home. I thought help to get out of that relationship. Yeah, right. Yeah. Hey, man, listen.

They were on a date. To which he would go, relationship? We haven't even fucked. Relationship? I'm just the father of her child it's not like here's a box of

Nicorette and a Tinder profile find someone new that's right so he was offered love to find her at home he declined

oh I got this yeah now remember this all took place at about 1 a.m. right 1250

so at 1 a.m. he declines okay at 2 14 a.m. oh declines. Okay. At 2.14 a.m. But an hour, a little change. The story keeps going. I love that the night is still going. It's still young.

If you're smoking in a restaurant, is your night anywhere near over? A white Infiniti G35 was caught on camera pulling into the Troy Police Department, and a man got out of the driver's seat. It's our guy, Brian. Oh, God. Officers spoke with the man and told him his front passenger side tire was flat and the rim was bent.

He then denied driving the vehicle. What car? The car that I just got out of? I'm still standing with the doors approved. That I drove in? Where's your fucking proof? Police. Where?

He's like, that's not my car. Weep, weep. Right. Police confirmed via camera that he arrived alone. So they were like, I got you right here, buddy. Deep fake. Yeah, right? Deep fake.

Oh, God. You know that that was said. Oh, yeah. Fake news. Troy police asked him to complete several sobriety tests. So he drove to the thing to go get her. Oh, to get her.

That is chivalrous. I love it. This is real love maybe though. I mean, I wish I yeah. I love this couple. I don't know. I wouldn't go so far as to say I love them. They asked him to complete several sobriety tests, but he performed poorly, they said.

Of course. You think he didn't perform poorly? He had a flat tire that he didn't know about. He submitted to a preliminary breath test with the result of what was his BAC. So legal limits point low. Unless he kept the party going, he hasn't had a drink since they got kicked out. No, he kept it going. And they got kicked out before 1 a.m.

And it is now 2 a.m. So it's an hour later. What do you think? At least an hour. I used to administer these tests. You did? In college. I had a job at a doctor's office.

And I used to do this all the time. No way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I know what's possible and what's not possible. So it's over..08 obviously yes I'm gonna say point eight one point eight one eight I'm talking about this guy is so lit up this guy forgot that he drove to the police station it wasn't a lot one it's possible dude He administered the test Wild I've never seen anything over a.4 I'm gonna say.21

I think.19 Okay Alright I'm gonna lower it Okay you have the option Because everyone's giving serious answers Yeah they're going for it I'm gonna say it's.4 Wow

Still I still think he's more fucked up than we realize. This is the most drunk man. You've lowered it, but you've raised the bar. 0.41. Couldn't just be 0.4. We'll have two quick things after this. His blood alcohol content is.16.

I was close. You were close. Double the legal limits. He was arrested and taken to the Detroit Police Lockup Facility, the TPLUF, and refused another breath test, officials said. A search warrant for a blood draw was granted, and the man was charged with operating a motor vehicle while

under the influence of alcohol, pending lab results, and driving with a suspended license. So you know there were other drugs involved. They didn't want to press charges when he spit on somebody. Yeah, that makes more sense. They didn't want to press charges for him having to get kicked out, which could have been like a legal trespassing. But how dare you? They tried to help him get a ride home, and he was like, no, I am getting arrested tonight.

I will make my way. But I want to do it on my own terms. This is a cry for help. Oh, yeah. It's a lot of cries. It's a lot of crying, yeah. We'll leave you here. This is a spit for help oh yeah it's a lot of cries yeah yeah this is a spit for help they're the same age oh god how old is brian and annie such a good art our dear born woman and our detroit for our patreon fans before we get to this uh yeah after this is over we'll have

a little dumb story from matt from his own life, either one he witnessed or saw or participated in. We'll do that for our Patreon fans, but how old is this crazy smoking couple? I love that I said witness or saw and you guys are all so nice you didn't call me out on it. I figured you were drunk. He witnessed, saw, or viewed. How old is this couple?

You don't have to go first if you don't want to. You can let them go. You want us to go? No, I'm gonna go. Okay, Matt. Wednesday night, raging at a Chinese restaurant, smoking. I mean, they got to be in their 40s, right? They could be. They could be. But you know what?

It's Michigan. They're both retirees. They're 68. 68 years old. Jason Sklar. That's a good age. I was going to say 54. 54 years old Jason's a good age I was gonna say 54 54 years old

I was skewing old too I think 42 42 Brian with a Y And Annie And Annie with an IE Come on

Are 26 years old Oh my lord Yeah that also makes sense You could have gone both. That also makes sense. Too much bravado. Young anger. In my head, I picture two really round people.

That still could be. Yeah, but like old these guys have been like the reason they're smoking inside is because they remember being allowed to. That's a good logic. Leave her alone, God damn it. Leave her alone.

You want to ride home? You better be closer to me. I'm spitting. That's my dearborn wife. That's my dearborn woman. My dearborn wife is a great, great Arthur Miller play. I was going to say it's a rave. Jeremy Irons movie.

All right, there you go. Townies, that's a little sub for you for a Friday. Matt Lieb, you've been such a great guest. Loved having you on the show. And oh shit, we've got to get back to work. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb