Dumb People Town - Matt Walsh - Golden Hand Job

Episode Date: May 30, 2023

Matt Walsh (of Veep & Second In Command on ATC) sits in as Jason tells of a prolific sperm donor with no sex life, Daniel describes how a tattoo got a Colorado man free Subway sandwiches for life, and Randy explains how a man with a fake DisneyWorld employee badge stole an R2D2, and so much more! Thanks to our sponsors: Faherty is giving all Dumb People Town listeners an amazing deal: 20% off on your order! Head to FAHERTYBRAND.com/DPT and use code DPT20 at checkout! Visit LECTRICEBIKES.COM to learn more and explore the epic models Lectric has to offer.

Dan and Randy J. will share tales of folks so unaware they lack in grace and sometimes choose the life they choose. We'll make the news, breaking down each epic fail. In Florida, there's half-price bail. I'm happy to say they couldn't make this up. So listen to our podcast jam with co-host Armand Dan. Fenders, don't be a jerk. That's when the music gets the funny hits. And we are gonna take you down.

Stick around. Make a sound. Lock it down. It's Dump People Town. Guys, we want to say thank you to our sponsor, Faraday. Faraday is amazing. It's a family brand founded by Alex and his wife, Carrie, and his twin brother, Mike, and it channels their love of the beach lifestyle into clothing for life's greatest moments.

Faraday crafts clothes that feel as good as a day at the beach, and they're backed by their guarantee of quality. Faraday is giving all Dumb People Town listeners an amazing deal, 20% off your order. So head to faradaybrand.com slash DPT and use the code DPT20 at checkout for 20% off your order. This is great stuff, people. Randy and I are dads.

We know that dads do a lot for their families. So we say, why not give your dad something that lasts way longer than dad's day golf or dad's tie

that he puts in the closet and never wears anymore how about his very own electric e-bike yeah transform his day-to-day errands into fun carefree adventures dan and you can celebrate your dad and give him all the freedom that comes with a electric e-bike visit electric e-bikes.com to learn more and explore the epic models electric has to offer that's l-e-c-t-r-i-c-e bikes.com hey downies welcome to another episode of dumb people town population you population walsh maddie move your car walsh your man your man under the bus matt walsh i'll never forget that story you told us that story on this show back in like 2017 yeah that was a terrifying terrified me

uh bad choice and i shared that i don't think i've shared that anywhere else you you were going in to like check your luggage and then you laid down underneath no i have hitchh hitchhiking in Yugoslavia or some country, and I broke an English. I'm like, I need to get. And he's like, I got no seats, but you can go here. And he lifted up, and his pillow was down there, and a book, and a light. And he seems like he used it.

So I'm like, fine, I'll do it. And for the next three or four hours, I was trapped underneath a bus and just losing my mind. Terrified. That's like a coffin. That is like, I'm sorry. All I could think of the bus rolling in the and they get everyone off they go all right just trash it yeah there's nobody

left on the bus yeah drive it off a cliff i could all the passengers washer and you're just like oh i couldn't ride in the arch i got out of the pod with them i was like i'm not doing this yeah have you ridden to the top of the arch you know i don't think i have st louis thank you calling in an elevator it is a tiny egg pod it's like nope i know my limitations yeah i'm with you i don't know that i would uh well here's the good news that since that time that you were on this show and you're back on the show you got a new podcast we'll talk about all that stuff can't wait little ziggy sclar dust on my lap birthday cake over. Birthday cake over here. Birthday cake over here for your kid.

So May is the gauntlet of birthdays. We have Mother's Day, then Morgan's birthday, then Jude's birthday today, and then Emmy's birthday in about a week. And that is a cake, actually, that because it has coconut, nobody was going to eat it. So it was an extra cake. So the kids said, can we hit the extra cake to try it? And then we have a cake coming tonight so i'm like i'll just bring it on the show for a conversation piece i'm not going to make anyone eat it no but it's sitting there in the middle but i did bring plates and forks so the good news

is that as dumb as that cake is it's not even as close to as dumb as the world has gotten yes continues to be dumb that continues to be dumb stories continue to get sent to us jay's got the first one and there's a new way that we do it dan had all the stories last time we each get to do a story this time me and jason and dan so jay you still are in the position of just uh goofing on just relax okay so uh i'll do this was sent in by carlene mcdermott at she be carlene one of our favorite she's like a stringer for us at this point. A researcher. She's a research department onto herself. She finds them. And there is a question in the headline, so I will try my best not to reveal it.

I believe in you. Like, Dan's so good for years and years of doing it. He knows exactly what to gloss over because it might be a guessing game later. We'll be like, so anyway, this 32-year-old. Wait, no. Why did I do that? All right. this 32 year old wait no why did i do that all right so prolific sperm donor reveals he doesn't have a sex life despite fathering a ton of kids a bunch of kids and we'll guess how many okay all

right a serial sperm donor yeah it's not really the same thing do we call it serial sperm donor yeah you do it frequently on a regular basis i mean i guess you have a hobby to counterbalance a serial killer. Someone was telling me that there aren't any serial killers. There's one in Austin right now. I know. Someone was trying to convince me of that. Some people say because the internet and television has made serial killers more educated about how to get away with it.

There's so much true crime and things that people get caught with. Serial killers are still out there, but they're more schooled. And unless they have that compulsion to like want to be caught or like you know that like zodiac had that even though they didn't catch him but like where they want to engage with the cops and want like they're not willing to pay for cable right right right the streamers yeah that's the real problem if you own and i'm not into podcasts oh well you would learn a lot favorite murder uh the man has followed father and multiple children around the globe and has revealed that his sex life around the globe is non-existent well i mean he doesn't have to travel around the globe just his

sperm can travel around the globe can you mail it can you ship sperm sure no some dry you gotta be in the bank you can get a pizza from Chicago. You can get sperm. I mean, that's a great point. What's that called? Gold belly or whatever it is? Yeah, I love gold belly. Jay loves gold belly. I get bagels from Queens off of gold belly.

The best I've ever had. I get sperm from India. Is that weird? You have to. None of you have done a sperm bank. I haven't done a sperm bank. I don't know if any of us know. I'm sure we know somebody who has one.

I'm sure. I don't know if you know or not. But I think you have to be in the bank Like some people Take their trips to like see Waterfalls or golfing or whatever Yeah so he's had to Go around the world with the intent

Of the Silicon Valley the collapse of the Silicon Valley sperm bank was a That was a real disaster I saw that coming We literally got there one two three uh he claimed okay so he's that committed to helping others yeah he claims that while he is being altruistic he feels that his life has become robotic and that masturbation has become a chore so who did that to you who put a gun to your head and said you go put a gun to your penis and they said you go do this? Who put a gun to your penis and they said, you go do this?

Nobody. That's what they call the golden handcuffs. You got good money, but you're not happy. Right. I mean, so that's the golden hand job. The golden hand job. Kyle Gordian. I won't tell you his name.

He's from California. Kyle. Kyle Gordian. Kyle Canadian says, no Kyles live past 50. Is that what he said? Yeah, there's no old Kyles. You know Kyle, he's 86. No, I don't.

There is no old Kyle. He says you either die in a skateboarding accident or murdered, but there's no old Kyles. They had a thing in Texas where they gathered all Kyles to have the world record for the most people. Shut up. Did they? This past weekend. No way. Come on.

Yeah. They gather the most people people the same name in one city and it was you had to have kyle as your legit first name on some certified id was it kyle texas like doing i don't it might have been i don't know kyle texas that doesn't feel appropriate oh well this is cut at kyle gordy one two three four wait you're plugging him i am on instagram he's raked up followers online for his controversial hobby as a sperm. Does he have more followers than children? That's my question.

He probably does. No, no. Followers than children. Did you look at his followers? He has more followers than children. Yeah, I would agree. In a bid to help struggling families, he offers his services for free and has revealed that he is often inundated

with messages from women who want to have his kids so this has got to be an ego thing right yeah you he likes people i want to get the can we get the stats on this guy like a d1 what is he we're gonna can is he because he's offering it free is he his own bank or is he still going through a aggregator of sperm? I bet he's his own bank. That's even shadier. Oh yeah, like it's an arrangement. Which means he's probably... How strong is his dollar?

That's a good question too. He's probably got that Baratheon seed. Game of Thrones? No. I got it. I don't watch Game of Thrones. Never seen it. Not once. Are you for real? And even I got it. I don't watch Game of Thrones. Never seen it. Not once. Not once.

Are you for real? And even I know that the ending was disappointing. Yeah. Well, I know what? It's Game of Thrones. Just sit back and watch the show. Jay, you've never seen it? Don't complain about the last season.

The last episode was terrible. They gave us the greatest show. Jay, how do you? Battle of the Bastards? You've never seen it and you think the last episode? Did you know they just did like a Battle of the Bastards, like Game of Thrones live symphony thing? It's insane. Really? It's like the most beautiful. Hold on a second. And you think the last episode Did you know They just did like A Battle of the Bastards Like Game of Thrones Live symphony thing It's insane

Really It's like the most beautiful Hold on a second Jake What did it feel like What do you think it was like The last episode The last episode

Like and you've never seen Even a second of this Like This is like Siskel and Dumber A brother and A brother and sister Having sex And getting pushed

Out of a window You've never seen it that's like season one that's the pilot that's the uh i never saw all right uh here we go uh previously he opened up how he's been trying new methods of donating his tadpoles through in vitro yeah yeah and in a collaboration with an ivf clinic in the philippines okay where are you getting your ivf from? Down in the Philippines. Well, that seems like it'll probably be. It just feels convenient like that.

In case anything goes wrong, they're really easy to contact. So he's shipping it to them. He's outsourced. He said that his sex life has become non-existent due to his goodwill gesture of helping others and that the practice as well as the masturbation has become a chore hey what do you do what's his name

stop kyle yeah kyle no one's got a gun to your head yeah kyle what are you doing this weekend making more people he said i think i've masturbated so many times now it started to feel quite robotic and repetitive what are you 14 well a 14 year old it doesn't feel that's and repetitive. What are you, 14? A 14-year-old that doesn't feel... That's true. They've got a whole life of robotics in them. I don't have any pity for him. You can leave anytime. That's right.

Do you think this guy's 32 or 72? I bet he's... We're going to guess. I know, but I'm already feeling it. Correction. You can jerk off anytime you like, but you can never leave. You can always...

Here we go. I don't have a sex life outside of donating. It's completely non-existent. That's one of the reasons I don't go out and have sex is because I want to save it up and give the best possible chance for pregnancy. You're a martyr. You're a jerk-off martyr.

You're a population martyr. Stop being like the world's conspiring against your sperm. I wish I didn't have to do this you don't yeah you don't have no sympathy i abstain until i donate so i can build up my sperm count and release it upon donating for best success i also don't want to risk having sex with random women and getting an std so there's lots of responsibility on my shoulders and i'm not going to take any chances no there's not you can't impose it's my job my mom

would like try to make a big deal out of something and then bitch about how she had to do all this work and i'm like mother i love you but you signed up for this on the sheet you created right i gotta take all these you gotta tell me the name of the baskets because i don't longer burger basket i gotta get all these longer burger baskets together i gotta take them all back and return them well who got them in the first place i did you got them mom what dinner is taking nine hours i said we could order in the tim robinson sketch in the hot dog we all are gonna try to figure out who did this you you are your own hot dog it's like a hot dog yeah that's grandiosity right or delusional yeah delusions of grandeur yeah it's like a hot dog. Yeah, that's grandiosity, right? Or delusional. Yeah. Delusions of grandeur.

Yeah. It's like forgetting who made him do it. Before I used to date and have sex, but I chose to give it up to help other women and their families. But it's all become so robotic now I don't have the need to do either in my own time. I prefer traveling over donating, and that's now my main hobby. But I'll continue doing this for as long as women need me. He thinks he's a superhero.

Yeah, you think women need you? Women need me all over this globe, Matt. There's a lot of people who would probably give their seed for free. Yeah, exactly. Also, the first question for this guy, if you are looking for a donor, is are you a narcissist? Yeah. This answer is yes.

And that's actually a trait you don't want your child sent a delusional thinking Narcissist right something you don't want in your child. That's a vote for not Don't take the free one. Thanks. There's a reason it's free. There's a guess what comes with it Get the sperm from a guy who's like, I don't know. We'll see what happens. I'm so curious about his traits. Like, is he intelligent, cute, tall? What's his life? Good beard, shaved head.

I bet he's good looking. In order to ensure that he's fully focused on his newfound passion, Kyle has revealed that he no longer travels across the globe just to donate. Now he expresses that he's more willing to help potential clients if they travel to him from wherever he's chosen to go sightseeing. He's also started to ask more questions to other people he donates to to ensure that they will be good parents to his child.

It's not your child. It is not your kid. That's done. Meet me at Mount Rushmore in June. I'll find a bathroom in the state park. You don't get to ask me what I'm going to do with this blanket when I'm checking out at Kohl's.

This isn't your responsibility. I'm asking questions about their work, mental health, financial situation, and parenting attitudes. As long as the woman ticks the boxes and can care for the child without any issues, then I will happily help. I think this guy is gaslighting me. Okay, I'm sorry.

This guy has a God complex, right? He's like, I've created these population in my own image. Sure, yeah. Yeah. He probably talks about how he almost joined the military. Oh, yeah. He's chalked up his tip-top sperm to his updated daily routine, saying, I've been sleeping a lot more recently,

especially during winter. I think a good sleep helps, and I try to get as many naps as possible. I reckon I'm sleeping about 10 hours per day, recently especially during winter i think a good sleep what are you hibernating sleep helps and i try to get as many someone interviewed this guy i reckon i'm sleeping about 10 hours per day sometimes more if needed avoiding stress where possible has also helped with my sperm how do you know yeah more than 10 is a sign of depression i'm 100 that's also coming with that yeah cna pool can't get out of bed next month there are how many more women who are interested in him donating? Wait, you're having us guess?

Yeah, just guess. In the next month? How many lined up for next month? I wish I knew how old he was. 30? Can you do one a day? What do you think? I'm going to go 100.

Well, he's acting like he can. I'm going to say 100. Oh, my God. Yeah, he can jerk off a couple. 30, 100. But if he's doing 3.3 times a day, he has to be young. No way. He would have to be. You can't refill a fertile batch He has to be young. No way. He would have to be.

You can't refill a fertile batch of semen like that. I'm going to say he has 22. That's probably a smarter guess. It's only three. But he's very selective now. All right. While his dating life is non-existent, Kyle has admitted that he's open to a relationship

and kids with the right person, although she would have to accept his unique hobby. So he's like, I'm not, when I meet my wife, I'm not going to stop making kids for other people. And by the way, I already don't want to have sex. Yeah. Right. Yeah. That's like having a third person in the marriage.

A little bit. Or many more people. Yeah. Right. You're saving a lot of yourself. A third baby. Like, what wife would accept accept that none of our wives would accept that none of our wives not for one minute you're going to where to meet someone to give them to drop off your own seat wait you want me to help you judge if this woman's fit to raise your baby honey no did you book my

tickets on expedia wait now she's booking his tickets? I'm going to the Great Wall. I'm beating four people. I'm going to have to jerk off four times. I'm going to be honest with you guys. Part of me thinks I can fix it. I can get him to stop. Dan, there is someone who's like, I can get him to stop.

I can get him to stop. I'll be the one where he only gives his sperm to me. That's right. Watch. Watch, Becky. Watch me, Becky. I can do this. Previously, he revealed how he helped women in Ukraine conceive her child.

Oh, good. So now he's making it about the war. He's hell-worst in Ukraine. Guys, I got to put people on the front lines. I'm thankful to Kyle for making my dreams come true. We're going to have two guesses on this punk ass bitch. Wow. How many children has he sired?

Let's start there. And it's true. He's sired secretary. Can I ask how long he's been doing it or we don't know? I don't know. I feel like age would give us an idea. Do you want to do age first? I'm going to do either one.

Which do you want to do first? Let's do age first. Age first because that might inform the other. All right. What do you think, Matt? How old do you think he is? He's 30, so I'll say 36. 36.

I was going to say 39. Dan, did I take that from you? He's definitely not 20s. No. No way. I'm going to go 48 years old. 48 years old. Okay.

Because this is the end. This is the end. He's only got three lined up this month but he still feels this responsibility he's made this his whole identity right this is his identity dan you're right yeah this is like this is like those people with bumper stickers this is like his whole identity so i ask this all the time it when you get it you like national parks when you meet somebody new at a at a party what's the first thing you say about yourself i'm from rochelle about me yes like if someone's like hey this is my friend so and so and they don't know you from tv or stuff you've done

what's the first thing you say about yourself that's a great i don't know i can't i don't have a standard go-to well i'll ask you now and i'll just say hey man we're at a party yeah hey i say my name i'm matt and what do you do you, what's, I say. What are you into, Matt? Tell me something about yourself. Tell me something about, I live in Toluca Lake. Yeah, you got three kids. I've got some kids. I'm a dad.

A dad. So I think dad's maybe first. Where are you from? I'm from Chicago, recently. Oh, yeah, from Chicago. I'm out here. It's always a good conversation. Well, it's just like, usually it's led by a question.

Right. But I mean. I love comedy. But what I'm, what I like come out. I'm more like, how do you, who do you know here? do you know here you know i'm always like trying to get what's the connection yeah how do you know the birthday boy like that would be you guys are you guys are quick to like sports we just met a bunch of people in alaska and it was i think i say like i'm originally from st louis i have kids i have a twin brother like i start with those kind of things and i

maybe say i do comedy do okay yeah all right that's probably in the range yeah all those things this guy is definitely like i donate sperm like that's the beginning and end of all he'll tell you exactly how many kids he's made yeah have you made any kid i mean like you know 36 39 i say it's 38 yeah yeah get your answers in because this motherfucker is 31 years old. Oh, my original 32. You were right. He's been working overtime. How many children, and story number one on this,

how many children has he sired? He can't be more than 10 years in, right? I mean, he could be. 31. It's got to be around 10 years in. He's got three lined up for the next month, but he's also kind of slowing down. Let's say 350.

350? He's got half a shaft out of the game. That's high. I'm going to go down. I'm going to say 301. 301. Just to make the number prices right. Yeah, prices right.

So that no one will get there. I'm going to say 250. 250. That's a better guess. You might have 500. I'll go 100. 100. I don't like that because it's definitely not going to be 100. 250. That's a better guess. Nah, nah. You might have 500. I'll go 100. 100. I know, but you know what? I don't like that because it's definitely not going to be 100. No. I'll go 86. 86.

Good. Alright. Get your answers in. Thank you, Colleen McDermott. Thank you, Colleen McDermott. This guy has, Kyle, has sired 57 children. Wow, Daniel. Still a lot. And you're really, you're close, but it's, 57 is still a lot and you're really you're close but it's 57 it's still a lot of kids yes four is a lot of kids like that's like one you said you were you you had

six brothers and sisters yes that's a lot of kids that's one la usd classroom full of kids yeah it is 57 based on the percentage of how well you are in tune with what your kids are up to, what percentage of your childhood do you think your parents had no idea where you were? What percentage of what? Your childhood. Do you think your parents had no idea where you were? I mean, both of our parents were. Because it's so different now, but I feel like my generation, your guys' generation,

there was a lot of time where my mom had no idea. And in six, seven kids, you're relying on other kids to be like don't let them jump on rocks we're taking care of you we had like 40 to 50 to 50 percent of the time yes no idea like a rough idea your kids are around seven percent if that guy comes to me at a party says yeah i've been doing it for 12 years and he throws out the number 56 you would definitely try i would be like i'm not that impressed. Right. Only 56? 12 years?

Come on. Barely five a year? Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Barely five a year. Sounds like you're not in that big a demand. Matt Walsh would be like, are you taking a lot of time off between them? Did you have an injury? Were you on the IR for a while? Do you have carpal tunnel?

Did you pull something? Because he's so self-important. People are constantly asking for his seat. So he's going to argue. So you know what he's going to say back to you to try and one-up you in that moment? I'm selective. I don't just give it to anyone. It's not about.

How many of you refuse this is my next question? It's not about quantity. It's about quality. I refuse. Is it about quality yeah i i'll if someone if there's someone i meet and i like them at first and then they don't like me i'll jerk off onto the floor stop it stop it i'll put it right on the floor in front everybody stop it right now all right there you go story number one down the books when we come back hey guess what matt walsh has a new podcast let's go the. The Great Tim Simons. I'm so excited about this. We'll talk all about it on the other side of the break.

Dan's got the next story. It's Dumb People Town with Matt Walsh. Don't go anywhere. Hey, townies. Welcome back to Dumb People Town. We are so happy to be back. Daniel's eating, literally eating the cake. Is that breakfast, Dan?

Dan is having- That's not bad. That's a Costco cake. There's supposedly a little coconut in there, but I didn't really taste it. I don't taste anything. And a little cocaine. I love coconut. Dan, are you- That's why the kids, Morgan read the ingredients. That's a Costco cake. There's supposedly a little coconut in there, but I didn't really taste it. I don't taste that either. And a little cocaine. I love coconut. Dan, are you?

That's why the kids, Morgan read the ingredients. She's like, coconut. Nobody's going to eat it. I'm like, all right. So he's basically having this cake and eating it too. Yeah, Dan. Do you notice how the kids took the balloons off, by the way? The frosting balloons are taken.

By the way, sometimes you need a good Ralph's. The Ralph's sheet cake is unreal. That's how you get through a breakup.. The Ralph's sheet cake is unreal. That's how you get through a breakup. Like a good supermarket sheet cake. Because they're like, we don't care that we're. Did you just gloss over Dan's great comment? That's how you get over a breakup. That's how you get through a breakup.

Dan, I'm going to take a sheet cake with your fork. Dude, 100%. You know I love you. I mean, that is how you get over a breakup. But they're just not afraid to use like food coloring that's like bin bang. Oh, yeah. It's not good for you, but it's delicious. No, all of it has like radon in it. sometimes your heart hurts so bad you have to eat yesterday's cake well before we get into dan's story uh let's do a quick run around the

room and just uh let people know what we have where you guys gonna be so uh we were by the way we're just in minneapolis i don't know when this is gonna drop we were just in minneapolis great shows at acme comedy Company. What an amazing city. Great. And we got to be with our buddy, Nate Abshire. You know what he did for us? He threw a barbecue for us. And it was like the whole Minneapolis, all of the comedy scenes and the young comedians

and stuff. We all kind of hung out and had a barbecue. It was so nice. And then we were in Alaska, which was really cool. We're going to San Francisco at the end of July. We're doing Cobb's Comedy Club for two nights, just a Friday and Saturday. Another good club. 21st and 22nd.

We're doing a show at the Comedy Store on June 14th. June 14th, we're doing Tag It, which is a great show. You will love this. And you'll be like, this is the essence of you guys. So the premise is stand-ups do their sets. What you say to people, this is their entire relationship with every comic when they get offstage. Now they're doing it onstage. So the comic does their set randy and i are off to the side as they're doing it we're quickly writing improvising tags for their whole set we keep them on stage and

we pitch them all the tags and they can take them away with them and wow and many have used and like script doctors kind of kind of punch-ups but like on the fly you know what's funny when i watch stand-up i often want to give people that but i don't want to offend so we think that too like i don't have an ego about it like i'm not better than you but i like you guys i can watch something oh you there's so much here you didn't even dig in so the way we approach it that's such a great point the way we approach it is hey i love this bit you were doing here and in my mind i thought you were gonna go this way which by the way no hey i love this bit you were doing here and in my mind i thought you were going to go this way which by the way no one i love what you're doing but what if you took it this way

this is my pitch to you take it or leave it we always are like take it or leave it that's a great workshop i love that it's really fun and it's a huge it's like a very it's exciting but like we are on the spot the whole night because you know if if we just sit there, it gets to see a glimpse of what happens in the green room and so many different, you guys are good writers. Thank you. Thank you. And we love a tag and we love Joe.

And by the way, so many different styles. So a partner is going to be on the show and Doug Benson's going to be on the show. And I mean, Ian, Ian Edwards is going to be on the show. So very different kinds of town.

I would just come to watch. That's a great show. You were fantastic. So that's on June 14th. June 14th, all superscholars.com. Daniel, where can they catch you? Dates are going to be announced this summer. But you can also check out my show every other Monday.

It's called Best Bet Comedy. We did it. It's my show that I do along with the great comic Irene 2. I don't really know when this is going to drop. But go to danielvankirk.com Or follow best bet comedy On instagram or myself And I think I'm coming to like Where's that show at The cats crawl

Over in east Hollywood Like where the 101 meets Melrose But I got stuff coming up A whole bunch of dates in the midwest New York, Boston and Austin All that stuff is going to be announced soon Go to danielvankirk.com. Let's talk about your show.

New podcast with Tim Simons. It's coming back. So Tim Simons and I did a podcast called Second in Command, and we're going to go through every episode of Veep and bring on all our friends from the show. And we took like a year off because we were very disorganized and various reasons, and now we're back here at All Things Comedy, and we just launched it like a week ago.

So check out Second in Command at All Things Comedy. reasons and now we're back here at all things comedy and we just launched it like a week ago so check out second second in command uh at all things comedy how does it feel going back and re-watching like even especially like the evolution of your character and certainly uh what happens to jonah and like yeah yeah it's a lot easier to watch something as an actor when there's like years yeah since you made it because you can actually watch the whole show and you're not focusing insecurely on what you did wrong or how you look. You know what I mean? So it's enjoyable.

Have you guys gotten to one of my favorite things? The show I love, but talking to you about the show is when you guys would tell me you would tell me you guys would do like marathon page days. Yeah. Like, didn't you do 36 pages? Yeah. There was a show in season two with alice and jannie where we were in a house and i think it was like 40 it was like 40 plus pages for people who don't know if you get through three pages in a day 10 10 is like the most but i'm

saying sometimes even just a setup can be like yeah yeah like on a movie like three to six is kind of normal that's maybe maybe 10 or 12 right yeah 10 is a lot i mean depends how many cameras you got going and if you're moving fast yeah 40 pages yeah it was dirt just shooting it dirty and we had everything ready and when you guys do the show do you also talk about your time in baltimore where you went and watched every movie that came out for a year listen yeah we talk about anything that uh comes up so we talk about restaurants waltz more because i remember doing bear town during like you were back and i go what have you been doing other than the show and you go movies i just watch a movie every day because

it was like downstairs from your hotel right working on veep for some years we were just living in the hotel and going to work that was it it. Like being a stand up on the road. You're just there to work. Right. And when you had off time, I would just walk downstairs. Literally in the building, there was a movie theater. And I would just whatever time I would see any movie. And there's like a year.

It's probably like 2013. I probably know every movie that came out. You know what I mean? Ender's Game. You name it. Stuff I would never see. Right. And you could get a drink. So it was like i did that and play squash yeah you know freaking beautiful i love it so anyway you're gonna you can see it here again let people know the name of it so

it's called second in command second in command it's a drops every week yeah every tuesday if you love veep and you want sort of the inside poop and all the great memories of two guys who are great comics and a great listen this is a podcast for you subscribe to it do it all right daniel you ready yes this went in by liz hagerty at liz hagerty thank you liz a colorado man got a back tattoo of the new subway series logo you're talking about subway the sandwich the sandwich shop, Dan? Subway the sandwich shop. Oh, come on. The fact that they call it the Subway series. Did Jared make them do it? When I saw the sound, I was like, when was the last

Subway series? That was like New York Mets versus the Yankees. But like this is what Subway calls their, we'll get into it, but you know like Subway's getting killed by Jersey Macs. Much better sandwich. I agree. It's my airport sandwich. I hope they're not a sponsor. there we'll get into it but you know like subway's getting killed by jersey mics much better sandwich i agree it's my airport i hope they're not a sponsor not you know but we can take who's

the other one it's jimmy jimmy john jimmy john there are people there are loyals to jimmy johns university of illinois certainly in chicago free smells when they came out here was a big deal i can i can mess with the number 11 at jimmy john's that's great but jersey mike's just knows what they're doing jay and i and john glazer when we were working on uh cheap seats in new york there was across from the new yorker hotel was a quiz nose and we went nuts for every to the point now as they started closing around the country wherever we see a quiz nose we'll just take a picture of it and send it to Glazer. Just so solid. I haven't been to a Quiznos in years.

Neither. I don't think anybody has. Toasted. They were so good, they changed the game. It was like when the Potbellies came up. There it is. That's exactly what I was going to say. Potbellies came out with the Melty.

Yeah. Potbellies. The original, Tom Clark. Yeah. Really good sandwich. So good. All right. So he tattooed this on his back all right yeah here we go colorado man has won free subway sandwiches for life and it's all thanks to his latest tattoo subway recently introduced its new subway series

menu which consists of 12 new sandwiches sold as is. The launch marks the company's biggest menu overhaul in its history and is a big departure from the customization that made the chain popular. Which now I wanted to ask you guys, and I thought about this when I was putting this together. John Doerr and I started a thing at JFL 42 back in like 2019. I think I remember this. Where we just asked everybody, what is your Subway order? And then they had an open slot and they asked us if we wanted to do anything on stage.

So we did Welcome to Subway as a show with no prep. But it's John Doerr, so you don't need anything. All you need is John Doerr. Yeah. And the whole thing was just genuinely asking people. And then we would continually fucking up. What is your Subway order? Well, Ram, we'll ask you guys.

Oh, no. My kids, I took them one time we were like on a family trip driving up to lake tahoe and there's like a subway right where you get gas in like in palmdale right as right as you hit the mojave desert right there so like we went into the gas station got gas and i ordered subway and they ordered stuff that like they never eat they never ate at the house so they're young kids and they're like i have a you know a turkey with some lettuce can i get banana peppers and some tomatoes no my son's like are you gonna murder me in my sleep are you living a double life are you someone else's kid vegetables black olives my son wants black olives on his subway yeah i'm like wait

that's why my daughter likes subway is because they have olives. Jersey Mike's no olives. That's true. Yeah, that's her one preference for Subway. But they have Jordan. Would she tattoo it on her back? I mean, that's the real question. No, but you get a kid's meal if you tattoo your children.

That's so... Just one. For their life. Not for life. No, no, just one. Oh, okay. You only get one kid's meal for a permanent date. Your kids look like Post Malone.

My dad wanted a lot of sandwiches. They were offering one sandwich. I was hungry. He got 16 lunches. To celebrate, Subway hosted a block party event in Las Vegas, no idea why, on Wednesday, where fans could get a tattoo of the new Subway series logo and earn free sandwiches for a month.

Does it look like the recycling thing? For a month? A year or a lifetime, depending on the size and location on the body. That is unreal. Fans of Subway, that's your already. I was out when you said fans of Subway. I used to love a cold cut. Matt, tell me a little bit about yourself.

No, wait. Matt did this. I'm a huge fan of Subway. Matt did this. There should be like a delay of 24 hours like when you buy a gun do you know what i mean like there should be a state representative next to the subway guy do it man i'll give you free sandwich hold on hold on you gotta come back it's a waiting period what if you had what if you handed the tattoo and live with it for a little while they got a wit sounds like they got a witness now i

don't know if best or created this or you or all you guys were in on it but you know ucb had this if you got a ucb logo tattoo classes you got free to every show oh i don't know about that yes right we used to let you into any show and free subway right and free subway i only know eric appell did that he's the only guy i know who got a UCB tattoo. There was two people that I ever saw. One was a woman and then one was another guy. What a great tattoo. They would come to a lot of shows on Tuesdays.

They would come to Comedy Death Ray. But in our defense, we didn't set up a block party and have a tattoo artist. No, but there was a lot of pressure. You didn't have like an authenticator? Forehead tattoo, you get a t-shirt. Every time you walk through the door, you get a t-shirt. The same shirt. I already have this shirt.

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Fans could do this depending on the size and location of the body. They would get it for a month, a year, or a lifetime. James Kunz. Oh, God.

K-U-N-Z. K-U-N-Z. Bad name. Kunz. He's a Walmart grader. Right. Kunz. Up top. James Kunz of Fort Collins,. Bad name. Kunz. He's a Walmart grader. Right. Kunz. Up top.

James Kunz of Fort Collins, Colorado. Hey, Kunz, can you grab those extra cards? So he traveled to Vegas, jumped at the chance. He got a tattoo of the logo on his back, earning him footlongs for life, awarded in the form of $50,000 in Subway gift subway gift cards wow the winning tattoo is how many square inches what do you think he went for what's a square inch something like that yeah yeah i think it's a yeah how big is it back i don't know are you saying it's a foot long one by one would obviously be two square inches i'm gonna try and pull this up here because 20 i'll say

20 square inches crazy too no no that's not too big what do you want to go with i'm gonna try and pull this up here because 20 i'll say 20 20 square inches crazy too no no that's not too big what do you want to go with i'm saying 24 square inches because i think it's two inches up and 12 i think it's a foot long okay which they also got sued for yeah i think it's 40 square inches oh my god like the whole i hope it isn't the whole back okay I hope it isn't. 24. What was the lock in here? How drunk was it? 20, 24, 40. 40. Okay. The winning tattoo.

Crazy. In square inches that got him a year's worth is 144 square inches. This is the photo of it on his back. It's like the Sublime album. Look at this. He has a corporate company name on his back you chill way serious you corporate shill quote i might not have family much else going on i don't practice sandwich area there it is i ain't got no toasted meatball. I'm a huge fan of Subway, so I thought about it.

Did you? You didn't think about anything, bro. I thought about it, and I thought. Anybody saying that already is drunk. I thought about it, and I thought. I thought about it, and I thought, well, maybe I should fly out to Vegas, he said. I'm thrilled to have made it this far. Not in life.

Dan, this tells me he's got no one in his life to tell him no. No, he needs a no guy. No man. No guy or no woman. By no guy, I mean a partner. Yeah. I'm thrilled to have made it this far and to have actually gotten the big tattoo. I'm proud of it.

To which I say, you better be. Yeah. Kunz first heard about the event in a Twitter group chat. That already tells you. Is there such a thing? Probably a Subway group chat, right? I bet it's a DM group chat. It's a DM group chat.

That is a thing. Whatever. He's paying for a blue check. I can tell you that much. Someone shared the news in there, and I thought, wow, i should do that because i would love to get free subway for life he said this is a simple man yeah cunts actually credit subway with helping him improve his health years ago to which subway is probably like look we are distancing ourselves from people who have lost weight yeah via our diets we're on the it's all about the menu now

please don't show us your old pants please do not hold up also our bread is in bread it's all sugar kunz credits them with helping him improve his health i used to be a chunky teenager everybody did and subway was one of the factors that helped me change out of a less healthy fast food diet it helped me become a lot healthier and well until you get this tattoo right besides cunz eight other fans got three by three inch tattoos of the subway series logo on a shoulder blade forearm and calf they won free sandwiches for a year awarded as how much money how much money do you think subway says this is what you need for this is what you need for a year five grand five grand okay uh i'm gonna say three grand okay uh i'm gonna i'm gonna say forty five hundred dollars was it breckenmeyer who told us that he did a commercial and got like a

subway black card yes he got a black card he could go in and get it that's pretty cool he said he's terrified to use it because he a couple of the times they look at him like, sir, just pay. Yeah, if you go to an airport one that's independently owned, you're not going to get any favors there. They recognize Breckenmire. They don't even have ham. This guy is not going to pay for it. Airport extensions of chain restaurants are all doing their own thing. I went to a Jersey Mike's that was the only Jersey Mike's that wasn't coded, and it was in an airport.

The one in Vegas is questionable. It was like Denver or Vegas. It might have been Vegas. Yeah. Anything in an airport is... Do we have to talk about the American Airlines sports bar at American Airlines? Oh, yeah. Home turf.

Called Home Turf? Right. No one's home. Whose home turf is that? Who's like, hey, let's go watch the game. Let's watch the Bears game this weekend. Where are you going to go? We got to go buy a plane ticket.

I got to go buy a plane ticket. Go through security at the airport. To go to our home turf. And I will say, if it is your home turf, like you've landed and now you're drinking, just go get your luggage. Just go home. Go home. That's true.

Just go home. What was your guess? My guess was $4,500 because I'm thinking like $12 a day. I said, he said $5,000. $5,000 is a lifetime. $3,000 is a lifetime. $3,000. $3,000.

For a month, they awarded you $4,381. Wow! That's so close. That was really well done. That was so close. You played this game. No, I was doing the math in my head. To promote its newest sandwiches, Subway also

gave away 1 million free subs from the Subway series earlier this month. do they just have extra ingredients they are just trying to hold ground they're doing so one is like they probably do the algorithm if you're gonna eat subway for a lifetime we only need to pay for 10 years because you're probably dying right you'll be dead you'll be dead that's right this is like the turtle free turtle wax for a year you're like i can't get through half a can. But I will say, there are times on the road where you find a 24-hour subway and a meatball sub or a cold cook.

I'm with you. I'm with you. I'm with you. There are times where you're with your kids and they're coming from a swim practice. You're like, are we going to take a McDonald's? What are we going to do here? If your choice is McDonald's or Subway, you're like, just go over there and get a turkey sandwich.

And we'll feel better about ourselves. Just go over and order something you've never ordered in my presence. Actually, hold on real quick. We're going to go in here and get you a tattoo first. But if I work for Jersey Mike's Marketing, I would have the campaign where we show this guy's back getting lasered off. And then we show him going with our brand, Jersey Mike's. Cover it up. It just says Mike's Way.

Who was it? The Sprint guy jumped over to AT&T. Oh, yeah. The Can You Hear Me Now guy. Like, we cared about his loyalty. Like, guess who I like now? I'm like, I don't care. I didn't care before.

I did it like he's our guy. You're just an actor hired for a commercial. I just picture the conference room where someone laid that out and just stormed out, dropping their mic like, look who we got. We'll get the Subway guy and we'll tattoo him with our logo. That's story number two. Or what they do is they take

the same Subway logo and then right underneath that they just put the word sucks. We can all do that. Subway series sucks and then a little Jersey Mike's logo right underneath feels very jersey mike's right all right that's story two friends randy you're up third i got a little do you remember do you want me to do i don't remember dan you have a all i see i'm not going to scroll any further is man arrested after posing as disney world okay and i don't know what oh my god this is

a great one we have matt walsh's we have one more story the dog is asleep on And I don't know what that is. Oh my God. This is a great one. Matt Walsh's business. We have one more story. The dog is asleep on me. I don't care. Let's do this damn thing. All right. We'll be right back.

More Dumb People Town right after this. Boom. Hey, townies. Welcome back to the show. I am going to take us home with Matt Walsh. Before you do that, I want to remind everybody our Patreon is only five bucks a month. Yes. We do green leaves on there. We tell personal stories on there.

We're eventually going to do some dumb ass eating challenge. It is a safe haven for dumb, including your own. You can email DPTPod at gmail.com and send us any dumb story from your life that you witnessed or you know about. Maybe some family lore. It's a great good time. And it's only five bucks a month. We'll do a Jersey Mike's Jimmy John's Subway food challenge.

There's not. Yeah, we'll do it. Or freeze the cake and see who's going to eat the whole thing. Yes. We'll do it. Eat the whole thing. Eat the whole thing yes we'll do eat the whole thing eat the whole thing challenge oh whoever yes if someone loses a bet here's what we'll do dan you know the hot chip challenge we are supposed to do chip in the world oh my if we get to a thousand patreon people randy are gonna try the hot i'm going to as well and whoever lasts the least amount of time i I think you got to chase it with the cake.

The cake is how we calm down. I'll do it at 500 so that then I can commentate when you guys do it at a thousand. You and I are going to kill each other. Okay. You ready for this? This one was sent in by a great person who sends stuff in. This is Matthew Friedman. Hey, Matthew.

At Not Your Average Matt. AVG Matt. Not Your AVG Matt. Okay, ready okay ready sent in this is back in december here's the headline florida man arrested after posing uh as disney world employee and stealing star wars r2d2 replica whoa i mean this guy's going after him more than desantis right he's like on the inside you guys deep ever been to Adam Savage's after party at Sketchfest where it's like his workshop that has all the movie props and everything? Yes.

The Mythbuster guy. He has an R2-D2 in there that's a set R2-D2 that is going to the Smithsonian. He also has a whole bunch of Indiana Jones things. Oh, my God. God bless him. His trust level in comics, none of the cabinets are locked yeah and so better lock that stuff i got a couple of the comics to be like we have to see how heavy remember the sandbag to the thing i'm like we have to see how heavy it really is did you have to put something else of equal weight

dude an alarm went off and then i got shot with a dart. Oh. By Alfred Molina. Oh my God. Very weird. And a snake came out of his mouth, right? Okay. Florida man has been arrested after he posed as a Disney World employee and stole a, we're going to talk about how much it cost, replica of the iconic Star Wars R2-D2 character. character abc central uh florida affiliate wf tv for the win for the vin uh reports that david emerson proudfoot this may be the best name ever david emerson proudfoot and there's a lot of

things he hasn't stolen but just you wait just you wait by the way david Emerson proud foot. It's to me, it's like, could this be like a Emerson Lake and Palmer Native American spinoff? Like they did. They had a group that tried to sue. DEP. Wait. So here's the best R2D2 bit ever. Stand up it.

Felipe Esparza. I'm going to give him all the credit in the world. It is a bit that it makes me laugh so, so hard that he said it's like R2. I got to want to do it. It's his bit. But I would say go find it. Go watch that. Worth it.

Worth the search. Just that R2-D2 is Hispanic. Definitely Mexican. That's all we need to know. That's a great premise. All those noises he makes. Just brilliant. Alright, so of Kissimmee,

Kissimmee, was arrested on May 31st after he snatched the droid from Disney World's Swan Hotel in an attempt to get hired as a security guard at Walt Disney World in Orlando, Florida. So was he going to snatch it and then look what I say what i

found oh really trying but the crazy thing is even being employee there'd be a there'd be some point at a checkpoint or something where someone would go where are you going with that so that's a big well but okay so according to police proudfoot was seen by hotel security pushing a cart on hotel he got all the way so this is on property a cart on property. He got all the way. So this is on property. A cart on property while wearing an orange work vest and a Disney World name tag. I mean, he made a name tag. Sure. Or maybe he went to the gift shop and found one with his name on it.

I have one. Someone got one that says Daniel. It was like at a thrift shop or whatever, and they gave it to me. And it's a Disney World name tag. I will tell you firsthand, they frown on you wearing an employee name tag if you are not one. Just to wear it to the park when you go to the park? Yeah. Security guards who suspected something suspicious was taking place subsequently escorted Proudfoot to the Yacht Club Resort to retrieve his belongings and driver's license from the employee's locker.

So they're like, all right, now let's see what it is. At which point Disney officials called law enforcement proudfoot allegedly told police he had been he had a pending application with walt disney world security and was only moving i'm pre-hired i'm only i'm only moving the r2d2 replica in an effort to show weakness in the security of the resort so he's like i'm stress testing this thing this is the guy who heard that a hacker ended up being hired by the fbi yeah and he was like he watched catch me if you can twice and was like i can do this if i'm i'm cheating with your wife to show you how much you don't appreciate her you better watch it okay so with the hope of landing a

job at the resort he also later admitted to breaking into three separate arcade machines at Disney's Wilderness Lodge. Well, that's just a flash. That seems off topic, right? Not really testing security at that point. Matt, that was for him. Sometimes he does one for him. That's just my appetite. That's not what I do.

He did it at the Wilderness Lodge, the Boardwalk Resort, and the Grand Floridian Resort. I called it. I said Grand Floridian. Three separate resorts to just show them, look, I can break into these things anytime. Just to get some quarters? Is that what he's going on? Is that the prize? He's been changed who has the high score.

That's it. Every one is Proudfoot. Proudfoot. Sorry. Proudfoot. The dog just literally Laid on Readjusted

Do you need me to do anything? No I'm good Proudfoot I just Anytime I say Proudfoot It makes me laugh I feel like you're talking about Land Before Time

He's been charged With two counts of grand theft One count of petty Of petite theft Okay Petite theft It's so cute It's a little bit

It's like when you want the steak but you want those bone and bone and petite filet it's enough he was also charged with one count of this is the droid you're looking for i'm sorry do you think that he said that uh he he tried uh that people tried to stop him from leaving the park uh and he said that all right so one kind of obstruction by false information and one count of scheming to defraud this guy. So to me, was he claiming his plan was to get caught so he could tell them when they stopped him? He said, you did it. Guys, I currently have an application with security.

Congratulations. I want to show you how good I'm going to be at this job. I wanted to show you the flaws. How easy it is to walk out of here. That's exactly what he said. So shouldn't I be hired now? But if they hadn't stopped him, how do we know he wasn't going to leave? good i'm gonna be at this job i wanted to show you the flaws the cracks in your security that's exactly what he said shouldn't i be hired now but if they hadn't stopped him how do we know he wasn't gonna leave premises i know that but i'm saying he was just moving it okay i mean but he was gonna then put it back maybe after he successfully strip it and sell it for parts on tattooing that's the only that's my only thing if i could do that good call the star wars bar bar the alley

behind the cheesecakecake Factory. Where do you sell the extra parts? But that is really to me. All right. So let's figure out, A, how old is this guy? What was his proud? Give me the full name. Emerson Proudfoot.

David Emerson Proudfoot III. I'm just trying to date it with maybe an 80s celebrity or something. David Emerson Proudfoot is how old? Well, you have to be dumb to think that's going to work, right? Mm-hmm. This is like people who commit a crime and then be like, oh, no, there's a letter in my car that says I'm actually- Right.

I think 41. I don't know. 41? Okay, Jay, what do you think? Ooh, I like it. 29. Daniel? I'm not going to go.

I'll go sweetness. 34. 34. 34. Yeah. Get your answers in, townies, because David Emerson Proudfoot is 44 years old. Oh! There's something about older people that makes me think of security.

Well, she left. Tell me I can't pull something off. She left. He's never amounted to anything. But the young person's going gonna want a more lively job that's right like right it's more sedentary to be secure and an old and uh an older person feels like they can be like look i'm just trying to work you know i'm helping me like like no i just want to touch i'm helping you guys i'm helping you out i'm helping you guys teaching you all

right now do we want to get runs let's let's venture to guess how and this is what we'll get out here on this how the value of the r2d2 replica that he was trying to get walk out is there a hologram that comes out of it it was set up in some hotel right that's what it was on display in a hotel yes grand floridian i mean put it in a cart with an orange vest on and tried to walk it out of there. Oh, I missed that. Is that real? You said that? He put an orange vest on R2-D2? No, on himself. On R2-D2. I literally thought that's what you thought. I love this guy now. What's R2-D2? He's

working construction. Don't look at him. I'm going to go, Matt. And he had a cart. You think he brought the cart? He just took a hotel cart. He took a hotel cart. Oh, like the luggage cart. Where do you want to go, Matt? Do you want to go first, Tig, or third? I'll go last.

I like the safety of like... I'll go first. What do you think? Go ahead. I'm going to go $17,000. $17,000. Jay, what do you think? I'm going to say $34,000.

Okay. That's a real thing. There you go. Yeah. I mean, I'll say... What did you say? I'll say $21,000. $21,000.

All right. Get your answers in, Tanny. Okay. Again, the name of the podcast. So people can subscribe and love this dog. Subscribe and love it. Matt Walsh, so they can check it out is second in command. Going back and through all the VEAP episodes and giving you little Easter eggs and tidbits

and stories of what happened behind the scenes with Tim Simons. And cameos. I'm sure people like cameos. St. Richardson. Yep lots of great ideas so i'm going to be subscribing to that and you guys should too uh this r2d2 replica was ten thousand dollars oh dang good daniel very nice it doesn't have to have any functionality and it's a replica yeah and they crank them out still by the way 10 grand is a lot 10 grand is a lot yeah you shouldn't think you're getting away with that you shouldn't think you can walk off tried to roll a bb-8 out of there and also it's on display in the hotel so it can't be they know people are going

to try to take it right they're not going to time of day crown jewels time of day is everything with a hotel you either want to do like two in the morning and be like maintenance we can't do this when there's or steal it in or during during check-in. Plain sight. Where it's chaos. That's right. Yeah. And you look official and you look like you know what you're doing. They asked me to come down from the park to move it out.

Actually, what you really should have just gone in the day before, put a sign on it that said, like, flagged for repair. And then be like, I'm going to come back tomorrow and grab this. We got to... I hope he had a clipboard. That's just a little more. I need you to sign for that. I need you to sign for me.

No, you don't want to engage. Then you're bringing suspicion towards you. No, you need an old Bluetooth that you keep talking to people. Like an everything, everywhere, all at once. Yes. Bluetooth. Now I want to steal a tiger from Vegas. Don't do it.

Real one? Well, what do they display in the Vegas lobbies? I don't know. I feel like you've given me how to do it. Yeah well what are they displaying the Vegas lobbies I don't feel like you've given me how to do it yeah Vegas has probably better security than I think the second you like Vegas they can shoot you tackle you yeah yeah and there's you they're probably tracking you the minute you go in there's a camera in the tiger you're trying to steal so forget it it's a GoPro that probably I find out it's a replica tiger too but when you get it it's a gopro that's probably a guy you find out it's a replica tiger too but when

you get it it's like i so wanted there to be a small security like a kid who's a security guard to be inside the r2d2 he's like oh bitch hey whoa whoa whoa hey hey there you go that's the show that's the show matt walsh thank you for doing it with us pleasure thank you appreciate you love you and uh oh shit we gotta get back to work