Dumb People Town - Matt Walsh - Under The Turkish Bus

Episode Date: March 21, 2017

Veep's Matt Walsh is taking the bus to Dumb People Town this week, and we made sure to save him a spot underneath in the baggage storage area. Just until the next stop!Story #1 -  Matt joins The Sklars and Daniel Van Kirk to discuss the story of a drunken man who hijacked a bus in Georgia. The group shares their Turkish bus stories (pro tip: ask what the clear liquid is before you drink it) and they chat about HBO's "Veep." Story #2 is the tale of a man who mugged his friend for beer money.Story #3 involves an indecent proposal at a Taco Bell. Michael Kissick, the world's friendliest TSA agent, leaves a voicemail.

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast jam With co-host Armand Dan Man, don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits the funny hits We are gonna take you down Stick around, make a sound Punk or down, it's Dumb People Town Alright everybody, welcome to Dumb People Town

We have a great guest on the show today Thanks man Not you Dan Although you are a great You're always our guest But you're part of the, You're on our side of the category. Thank you. I think you mean me. We do. Matt Walsh is joining us.

Thank you. Someone we've known since New York. Since 2F, bro. Since Department 2F. 2F, you're in the pilot. You're in the pilot of 2F. Moon alone. I think we've put you in everything we've ever done. Have we put you in everything we've ever done? What was it? Back on Tops. Back on Tops. You're it back on top on tops amazing tops on tops yeah i'm old friend old

friend of the cheap seats definitely you played the one fan who left the stanford cal game the one cal fan or stanford fan who left early oh man it's so funny you twisted it so many ways in that thing too we got it we had a shot of a guy walking up out of the stadium from early in the game and we decided to cut to that right before the greatest lateral play ever

29 laterals guy runs over the marching band greatest ending to a game ever and we claimed that that guy was you and how your life was different and how you just stayed in relationships longer than you should have that was a good solid bit

thank you for that bit. It was created in a little cramped office at Viacom. We probably recorded it somewhere off of Times Square. It was beautiful. No, it was in the

New Yorker Hotel. New Yorker Hotel down on 34th. Oh, even nicer. Even nicer. Right by Penn Station there? Yeah. You played Gordon Sumner

but not Sting. We're like, are you, that ain't Sting. So many stupid things. But I just love. Your studios are much nicer now, by the you guys have come along well anyway i just love the uh the fact that we've had so much history together and you're doing so well right now veep is unbelievable you are so good on that show thank you it's funny because the character has evolved in many ways like people

don't realize it like when you kind of get the feeling initially when you look at it like oh he's the dumb one in that office and then i'm like wait a minute he might be smarter than everybody in that office i love that i think mike is common sense wise he is the smartest and he has a little bit of humanity that a lot of the other characters lack. He takes so much shit from everybody, and the way he takes it... Especially his wife. Especially his wife. The way he takes it, I think, is very humane and an excellent choice.

He doesn't dish it back that hard. It's amazing. And by the way, when Sean Spicer started day one, my Twitter feed just exploded. I know. I can only imagine. Everybody's like, that guy is worse than Mike McClintock. Seriously, on day one, I got a hundred tweets of people saying, on day one.

I know. Unreal. People are like, that guy's worse than Mike McClintock. Do you have your own personal thoughts? I've wondered sometimes watching him. Spicer, I've wondered sometimes watching him if I'm like... Well, you have to do scenes where you're running press conferences. Yes.

I know it's a scene, but you are in the moment. But if there's times, I just wonder if there's times where he's out there even to himself being like,

oh God, I'm going to go out here and try and say this. There was one press conference like a week or two ago where halfway through his remarks on some topic, he was handed a note

and then changed his tone completely. And you were like, that... Someone saw it. This guy is on the fly right now. Someone saw it and was like, shut the fuck up. My advice for that guy note and then changed his tone completely and you were like that this is someone someone saw on the fly right someone saw it and was like shut the fuck up my advice for that guy is just quit your job like you you have to lie every day for the worst boss in the world so you should quit your job yeah quit it and there's a guy who kind of i think he can cut it i think that's my boss

kind of speaks from experience absolutely true that's a no-win. I don't even know how anyone could do it. Well, listen, you're here, you're with us. I want to jump into a story right away and we'll get to talking about more stuff down the road, but you are one of our favorite improvisers, period. We've got stories and there's lots to talk about. Daniel, let's hear it.

Let's do one. Guys, thanks to everybody who listens to this show. You help make it by uh sending in the stories to our research department oh really yeah there are ears on the ground yeah they're like crowdsourced love the way the best way to do that is at daniel van kirk hashtag dumb people town it is so funny though when i'm going through the feed of people who have submitted these through the hashtag sometimes regarding, regarding something else entirely, someone has just hashtagged Dumb People Town,

and I get into some... I'm looking at a tweet, and then I'm like, wait, no, this is a person who just wrote Dumb People Town in the context of their own life. It's not a story. Where are we, in Dumb People Town here? Yes. It throws me off quite a bit.

Hey, Jeff Wills. What are we, in Dumb... And you're like, who's Jeff Wills? Yeah, they're like yelling at someone. I'm like, whoa, this is a beef. Why don't you take a train to Dumb People Town? We're like, where's Jeff Wills? Yeah, they're like yelling at someone. I'm like, whoa, this is a beef. Why don't you take a train to Dumb People Town? We're like, where's this? Dan's like, where's the story?

Where's the story? But for everybody who does that, it is hashtag Dumb People Town at Daniel Van Kirk. Thanks for doing that, guys. This was sent in by Scott Laughlin at SC Laughlin. I imagine that stands for Sports Center. Wasn't that a show on NBC? Laughlin, California. Laughlin, SC.

Laughlin, Nevada. Laughlin, Nevada. Thank you. That's where a lot of trailer homes go. Trailer homes and casinos. There's a casino there. Yeah, it's like Old People's Vegas, right? Yes, it is. And there's a river right in front of the casino.

Colorado River. It is the Colorado River. If your bladder can't make it on a road trip to Vegas, Laughlin is your answer. People have told me it's really fun if you go there knowing what you're going to do, because you can tube on the Colorado River right in front of the casinos. Naked. I'm sure you can do that. Oh, yeah.

That's true. Tube naked down the Colorado. It's Laughlin. We're happy you're here. Shoot a multi-action gun. Probably. No problem. In the casino.

No, I don't think you can do it indoors. Oh, okay. I don't think so. Nevada's pretty wild. Maybe. People spinning around in tubes. Bullets. On an inner tube down the Colorado.

That's how you push yourself down the river. Dude, take my picture. Hurry up. Yeah, I went so far ahead of you with that kickback. That'd be a good selfie. Gun. Yeah. Flying.

Gun, inner tube, Colorado River. A lot of things have culminated in your life if you're there. Yeah. And gone wrong. Yeah. Or terribly right. What began as one man's trip to the supermarket for two gallons of milk. Is that a lot?

Not if you have a child. They come in the gallon, right? No, it's for kids. Not if you have a child drinking milk. No. That's a week's worth if you have kids. Because my mom raised my two brothers and myself by herself. And I bet there was a time when we were going through four or five gallons of milk

a week. Oh, yeah. Sure. A gallon a day? Walsh, you have three kids. We have three kids. You got to really lay them. We're probably down

to like a half gallon a day. We're not a full gallon. A gallon a day? Kids just drinking huge glasses of milk. I don't know. They go straight from the gallon. And by the way,

milk is now... Coffee. People who haven't bought milk for a long time, milk is now $27 a gallon. That's really expensive. That is no exaggeration. We gotta stop our reliance

on foreign milk. Can't we source it ourselves? Can't we use solar power to make it some milk? It's expensive to ship it from China. It is. Those milk tankers.

I wanna use wind power to create our milk. Well, it began as one man's trip to the supermarket for two gallons of milk. In all places, Georgia's dairy capital. Excuse me, friends. Make it. This attempt to get milk spilled over, pun intended, I'm imagining. I love when reporters get funny.

Don't cry over this attempt. Into a 95 mile per hour police chase through two counties. Started out to go get milk. Ends in a 95 mile per hour police chase. Honey, I'm just going to go out and grab some milk. You don't mind. Hurry back, okay? I'll be right back. You promise? Don't put pressure on me and maybe I will

can I at least... What's the worst that could happen, babe? I'm going right out. I'll be right back. Is this what OJ, is that what OJ said? Was that his defense initially? Was the two gallon of milk defense? I just was on the 405.

Who was the driver? A.C. was getting the milk. And OJ was just riding shotgun. He's like, I got the milk. I got the OJ. Juice, I'm just getting some milk. This milk's bad, man. It doesn't matter anymore. The milk doesn't matter anymore.

Milk's laying down. Milk's on its side. The milk still matters. No, man, it's gone. I didn't see my mama. Yeah. All because the Putnam County Sheriff tells it. A man named Michael Douglas Freeman, he could have stopped at the Douglas, wanted to smoke a cigarette on

a bus. That's how this all went down. A guy went to get milk, had to take the bus to do it, and was like, you know what? I'm dialing it back. Wait a minute. So now I'm picturing that this is a speed thing. He's going to commandeer the bus. That's a bummer, though, if you don't have a car to get milk.

You know what I mean? Because that's kind of a refrigerated item. Buses are not always on time. But think about New York. We all lived in New York. Yeah, but you would walk it in New York. You'd walk it. There was a grocery store over there.

You kind of controlled the return of the milk by foot. Well, Freeman lives near northern shores of Lake Sinclair, was a passenger on the Putnam Transit bus on Friday afternoon. He'd ridden the bus to Eatonton, I don't know, on Friday morning. That's where Mark Eaton is from. Oh, cool. And was toting the milk he'd just bought.

About 3.30pm, when he was almost home, Freeman lit a cigarette. Who is he mad at? He knows that this is going to start an altercation and it's not going to be with whoever he's really mad at because they're not on that bus.

He definitely started with sending him to go get the milk and he didn't want to leave. He definitely started with him saying to himself the phrase not going to tell me. Right. Yeah.

Not going to tell. Not going to tell me, mad man. But you know like in every Seagal movie when a guy lights a cigarette where he isn't supposed to so that Steven Seagal will come over and be like you need to put that out. Yeah. But you know like in every Seagal movie, when a guy lights a cigarette where he isn't supposed to, so Steven Seagal will come over and be like, you need to put that out. Yeah. But he's like,

but what out? I'm not gonna ask you. He feels like a no-filter cigarette, too. Oh, for sure. That guy? Yeah. Part of me, though, wants it to be a Virginia Sims 600. Just a guy with a long, late cigarette. Oh, 860. Just a long... More red 120s.

So he knows that he's going to, he's like, like he probably said to himself, show these assholes. Yeah. I just thought of the brown wrapper on the cigarette. Oh, my aunt smoked those.

Was there a brown wrapper? Yeah, brown wrapper around it. More red 120s. That's like cabbage leaf and asphalt. And ass. And ass, yeah. Well, Freeman, Michael Douglas Freeman, lit a cigarette. Sheriff Howard still said the woman driving the 20-seater bus, small bus?

Pretty small. 20-seater. The seat sounds small. It's like a plane, like a shuttle from Hertz. The bus was carrying Freeman and another man on board. She, the driver, promptly told Freeman to put out his cigarette. The quote

obviously intoxicated Freeman quote took exception the sheriff said. Not gonna tell me! So he was morning drunk morning drunk to get milk that's an interesting impulse I don't really think of milk when I'm drunk I think pizza or beef sandwich.

Where he was tricked out of the house. Like, Dad's drunk. We can't fight him, but we can make him think he can help us by doing something. Let's give him an errand. Yes. Give him an errand. Tell him he can make a white Russian when he comes back. He can make 50.

Two gallons of milk. Oh. I just like that idea When the driver pulled over Like setting up 50 glasses Yeah, all of us too Kind of trying to Constantly saying to himself Who's having a party?

That or trying to But not stopping the pour Not stopping the pour Not recreating the scene From Cocktail Where he's like Flipping jugs of milk Isn't that the Lebowski drink?

The White Rush? Yes, it is. It is. You can keep the rough. That's a meal. The driver pulled over east of US 441 near Scuffleboro.

You're already... Great town name. I agree. But you're getting ready for a fight. Eaton 10 in Scuffleboro. Okay, I know where I am. You're literally in a town

ready for a fight. This is Missouri? Georgia. Georgia, excuse me. Sorry. She told Freeman to stop smoking or get off the bus. Simple, right? She gave him his options.

He took a third option. Michael Douglas Freeman snatched the keys from the ignition. Which, to me, is she let him get too close. Yeah. Right? She's a woman, though. I don't know that she can control a drunk guy with milk afternoon bus i feel like she can handle it did he have the milk we don't know if he had

the milk yet no he had it he had it so this is the return trip yes yeah he's really dan you're right he's really mad that he had to go out and get milk yeah okay so he's like this cigarette is for me right there's only one other person on the bus. Who cares? Right. And I can't fight with whoever I'm going home to right now. So this woman is going to get it. Yes. I'll fight with whoever wants to start it up on this bus. I dare you to tell me. Remember, I dare you to knock this battery off my shoulder.

Robert Blake. Is that Robert Blake? Is it really Robert Blake? Yeah. Wow. No. It was not Robert Blake. The other Robert.

Baba Black Sheep. It's Robert Conrad. Robert, it was not Robert. The other Robert. Boba Blacksheep. It's Robert Conrad. Robert Conrad. Thank you. The guy who lost in the famous race to Gabe Kaplan in the Battle of the Networks. The famous race. For people of our era. Star of Welcome Back, Cotter.

I dare you to knock this battery off my shoulder. It's like an alkaline battery. But how does that sell a battery? I don't know. I want the battery that I can so easily knock it off your shoulder. Honey, we need just a fake punch to your face. Yeah, making you flinch. The three of you are celebrities.

Honey, I need a battery. We need some batteries for the remote. Well, what kind should we get? Yeah, what kind of battery? Should we get the ones that last long? No. Or should we get the ones that you can't knock off a TV top? I have a low center of gravity that are really hard to topple.

Here's my question. You know, it is a battery. So let's think about how we're going to use this. We are using it to power something for a long time. Let's think about how we're going to use this. Let's go with low center of gravity. Would the three of you do celebrity sports competition? Yes. I would, yeah.

But I wouldn't challenge Gabe Kaplan when I'm 5'3", or whatever, right? What would you want your event to be? Just simple strides. You know he's going to... He's got you on steps alone. Maybe push-ups Conrad could have beaten him. Yeah. Or pull-ups.

Yeah. Or pull-ups, yeah. Matt, what would you want your event to be? What would you be willing to do? It would be a group event. Like, I don't know. Tug of War. Volleyball.

Shuttle Run. I don't know. I think they could bring that back. I would watch it. That would be fun. Yeah. I think they are bringing it back. They are bringing Battle of the Network Stars back.

Are they? Really? Yeah. was network stars between other networks or was it nbc's horses you know what i mean like was nbc promoting their stuff it was between other networks wow i think they did it so you had to have like like it's one thing to have like civic pride i think we should do battle of the streaming stars and just have like stars from different podcasts. The VOD. Jeffrey Tambor and like- Oh, yeah.

Dressed as Mora in the- Team CISO looks ready to go. And the girl from OA. Yeah, the girl from OA. And the kids from- Yeah. Kids from Stranger Things. Matt, the UCB show, you could get on that too.

You represent CISO. Sure, Team CISO. too. You represent CISO. CISO versus Netflix. Let's go. Why not? How funny would that be? Let's do this, Crackle. Battle of the Streaming Stars.

Battle of the Streaming Stars might have to be pitched. I'd be down for it. All right, so she said get off the bus, finish the cigarette, right? Or put out the cigarette. Yeah. Another option he went with. I'm going to take the keys. Yep.

He escalated, believe it or not. After cutting her on the arm with a keys, sharp keys, he pulled out his lighter and briefly ignited her hair. Oh my God. Still, too close. This is the point where you say, maybe I shouldn't be a bus driver.

Yeah, this is when you're like, I can't deal with people anymore. The driver swatted out the flames and wasn't injured which is why we're okay with telling the story amazing still should not have been approached she and the other passenger hopped off the bus smart i hope that went down with her looking at the guy the other the third guy who had not gotten out of his seat for a moment of this and said come on we're off the bus let's go made him get off like he this is his bus. We're leaving this to Michael Douglas Freeman. That's right.

You know what I'm thinking? She was probably buckled in. You know, because bus drivers usually go, they don't usually unbuckle. She was probably seated, turned around and said, you need to put the outer get off. And then he probably came up behind her. She's buckled in. That's not a fair fight if you're buckled in. You could light somebody's hair easy.

But I would say this the unbuckle is an act of aggression unbuckle not if he'd lit her hair first no but the unbuckle of like

we're gonna yeah like if you unbuckle that means I'm ready to kick your ass yeah and then it's gonna get physical and you're in

Scufflesboro don't make me unbuckle this don't forget this is all in the context of Scufflesboro Scufflesboro how Scufflesboro. How it got its name.

For this very fight. Bus fights just like this. Freeman allegedly took the wheel and sped off. Wow. My bus now. By the way, how do you know how... First of all, that is amazing. Because I don't think I...

I don't know if I would know how to properly steal a bus. Yeah. It probably doesn't just drive like a regular car. Even sometimes the closing the door thing is hard to figure out. Yeah, that thing is...

I'm just picturing three stepkids staring at bowls of cereal waiting for milk. The poor kid's waiting for their daddy's milk. Dry Lucky Charms. It wasn't premeditated,

so I don't think he worried about how to drive the bus. I think it was probably spontaneous. He figured it out in the moment. He's like, if I just move this thing here. Fight or flight.

He already fought, so now he's in flight. He zoomed up and down the road. So for him, it was fight and flight. He did both. It wasn't an either or, you're right. He zoomed up and down the road a couple times, cussing as he passed the driver and left behind passenger on the roadside, Stills said, quote, I guess he demonstrated his ability to drive. Is that a little bit of like

a nod to him there i guess i know that is somebody being like that is her in a moment of where her hair was just on fire she was just threatened making a joke so i give this woman all the credit in the world i guess he demonstrated his ability to drive it's interesting though to like after you commit that crime to like come back and forth a couple times to the people on the curb going, I got your bus. I'm smoking in here. That's like a victory

lap, right? Maybe he didn't deal where he stopped to let them on the bus and they closed the door and pulled up below. You guys want to get on? You guys want to get on? Nope. I'll take you where you need to go. Welcome to the Freeman Express. Let's go. Smoking is allowed on this bus.

Yes. At one point, he then, Freeman tossed driver Linda Grant's purse out the window and kept going. Well, that was my place.

Do you think he yelled, I'm not a thief? Yeah. I think that's decent. That's right. That's really decent. A Putnam Sheriff's Deputy soon spotted the white and blue bus

Racing towards the Pea Bridge Road I also want him to be making stops That's what I said Picking people up That'd be amazing Where are you going? If a bus driver pulls up Smoking a cigarette

With two gallons of milk on their lap Do not get on that bus I love how the milk is on his lap in my mind okay it's still a priority it's on the dashboard or it's rolling up and down i dare you to i dare i dare you to knock this gallon of milk off my shoulder okay we've all lived in major cities the amount of times i've spent on a like cTA bus where a bottle is rolling up and down. Watching a bottle roll all around. It becomes some sort of like... No, then it becomes an issue of responsibility. Who is going to pick this up?

This is crazy. When we recorded our stand-up special for CISO a couple weeks ago in Chicago, in both shows, at the same time, at the same point in the show, a beer bottle fell over. Really? On the floor. In the same bit. Was the same point in the show. Beer bottle fell over? Beer bottle fell over.

Really? On the floor. In the same bit. In the same. What? Was there a Foley guy in the audience? He's standing there waiting for the timer. I'm helping.

I'm helping. Tip the bottle. Tip the bottle. And it wasn't a bottle. It was him recreating the sound. And then there was weird coconut horse hooves. That is so true, though. Buss always has some weird thing when he accelerates.

And everyone watches it. I've seen that on a plane, too, sometimes'll see like something roll on takeoff how many planes are accelerating and decent well on on takeoff you'll see something come backwards on the the weirdest thing i saw on a bus that made me think of i took a bus from i had a girlfriend in dc and i took one back to chicago and we were somewhere in memphis it was like a greyhound and there was a poor kid who had you know the halo to isolate? Like if you have a neck injury? Yes.

And they put the halo on it and they screw it into your head to keep your neck immobile. This grandma brought this poor kid with a halo for like a 500 mile bus trip. Oh, wow. I didn't mean to bum everyone. No.

That was a strange thing to see on a bus. And he was rolling up and down the aisle he was in the back but still a couple of screws got loose and a really bad smelling bathroom on that bus oh dear lord a normal smelling bathroom on a bus bad it's never been like i took a trip from uh chicago to dc greyhound bus smelled amazing the bathroom was just incredible i mean one of the best smelling bathrooms i've ever smelled in my life. So fresh. We were in Turkey.

Randy and I were in Turkey, and we took a bus from Istanbul all the way to Cappadocia, which is in the center of the country. It's this crazy moonscape place. 12-hour bus ride. Pamukkale, the white phosphorus baths. Pamukkale is beautiful. Yes, I've been there. Those are amazing.

I love that you've been there. That's gorgeous. So we took the bus ride to the center of the country and uh and as soon as the bus started rolling in its first hour the windows are all up everyone starts smoking everybody on the whole bus starts smoking then we all kind of there's a loud turkish movie going on it was an overnight bus so eventually we fell asleep and we got woken up by the the person who was like the stewardess on the bus. He was like the bus steward.

Bus steward. Walking up and down. And he handed us, he handed our buddy Dave this clear bottle and Dave opened it up and started drinking it. It was cologne. Oh! He drank like a, like a. I just love that there's never a bottle of cologne. I wish everyone could see Matt Walsh's face right now.

We will be coming through the cabin with cologne. When is that ever? We just was like, why would anyone piss? Did he throw up? Yeah, he spit it out and started throwing up. And every time, and we would go to these, because it was an overnight thing, we'd pull into this totally dark, like, rundown place, and then all of a sudden all the lights would come on,

and then they'd open up the whole place. You did that, too. Yeah. They would just open up this place. It'd be a market. Your bus station hopping, yeah. I had a thing where I was, I think it was Turkey or Yugoslavia,

but I didn't speak the language, and I had to get somewhere, and it was like, those buses are always packed. Always. And I broke in English, said, I gotta get, otherwise, you know, I'd be there for another 12 hours. So the guy's like, come here, come here.

And broke in English, he opens the luggage thing. And underneath, he has a little cot and a pillow in one of the luggage compartments of the bus. And he goes, you go here for next stop. I'm like, so I was under the bus. But it wasn't the next stop. It was like two hours. I was freaking fucking out. I can only imagine.

This is how I die. Because no one's going to look in the thing. If the bus crashes, they're just going to check the bus. All right, scrap it. Scrap it. Throw the whole thing out. Oh my God. I literally was underneath the bus with the door closed for like a couple hours.

They shut the cargo door. I think it was, yes. No air. Because he would take, there was air because I didn't suffocate, but it was instant. The minute he closed it, I'm like, this is a bad idea. This is a really, because my parents won't know how I died.

No one will know. And you're like six inches from the ground or like nine inches from the ground. Every bump, you'll probably feel it. And that was,

there was like a bed in there and a light and I tried to read to distract myself because he did take naps in there, but he didn't take naps when it was rolling. I can't even.

That is. How was the bathroom? There was no bathroom underneath. There was no bathroom underneath there was no bathroom underneath in someone's suitcase but that was really scary yeah i can't believe i did that can you imagine that you got in you were a willing part i did because it was one of those things like he's saying like you're in a dark town and i think it was turkey i want to say like and you have to get 12 hours to istanbul or whatever i'm like i'm not gonna wait here I don't know anyone so he's like come here

come here and he goes I sleep here you want I'm like alright he made me think it was okay and he's like one stop

one stop and I'm like okay five minutes ten minutes it was a couple hours and I got out of that fucking thing yeah what did you

when he opened it up I just like it was like so freaked out I was so freaked out oh my god Matt Walsh professional stowaway listen yeah that's what it was like what if someone was stowed away in this in this one what do you mean on this police

hey nobody's gonna find them no nobody checks the luggage when there's a bus crash uh they got into like okanee springs going 70 miles per hour deputy on its tail the guy like ran an escalate off the road how they then got onto sparta highway they know their names down in georgia i like p bridge by the way that's a good name yeah p bridge uh where another deputy was waiting the bus rumbled over some spikes designed to halt the automobiles but i think a bus could go for a while i keep talking took uh flattening one of its front tires that didn't stop it it didn't stop michael d didn't stop Michael Douglas Freeman either. It motored on with its lame tire flapping, topping 95 miles per hour. At 95 on a flat?

Wow. And cresting hills on the wrong side of the highway. It's a street towards Hancock County. 31 miles into the pursuit when the bus reached the courthouse square. He's literally driving to the courthouse. He's driving to where he will end up. At about 4.15, a Putnam deputy rammed the bus to a stop. He's literally driving to the courthouse. He's driving to where he will end up. At about 4.15, a Putnam deputy

rammed the bus to a stop. That's when cops are done. They're done with you. They're like, we're going to ruin some of our property to end this thing. But you have a much

smaller vehicle. That's a brave move. Hugely brave. An ambulance came, but no one was hurt. Even so, it took some doing to get Freeman off the bus.

He would not open the door. He is not giving up. Just drinking the milk. I got milk in here for days, asshole. Straight drinking milk. Smoking. Smoking. Then he tried to bite an EMT. The EMT is always the most thankless. Yeah. They surely try and bite an EMT. Yes.

It's in quotes here. Freeman was jailed on charges including battery, aggravated assault, eluding police, and drunken driving. Stolen vehicle? Yes. That's not even in there? No.

It probably is there. Okay. Grand Theft Auto? The sheriff said, as for the milk, though still cool, it had to be tossed. Quote, it was going to spoil. The milk still cared. I'm going to ask you guys. How old?

No. How much was the bail? I will to ask you guys. How old? No. How much was the bail? I will tell you his age if we want. But the more fun thing here, we could do two. It's up to you. Let's do both. Okay, first off, how old is Michael Douglas Freeman? Too much fun leaves marks in life.

Living hard, you'll pay the price. Who is gonna get it right? Guess the age. Guess the age. I'm gonna say older. Okay. Like what? Over 45.

Pick an age. Oh, I have to be more specific. All right, I'll go 55. 55 for Matthew Walsh. I say 39. 39. Jason Sklar. I say he's 28. 28. Yeah, he's like all red,. I say he's 39. 39. Jason Sklar. I say he's 28.

28. Yeah, he's like all red, but acting like he's 55. Okay. Michael Douglas Freeman. 63 years old. Whoa! Matt Walsh for the win. I felt that one.

He's smoking still. The youngsters, they don't smoke. Here we are. Ready? Uh-huh. They made note of what total this would make his number of DUIs that he has had.

Okay. How many DUIs? That's why he's on the bus. Yeah, but that didn't stop him from getting another one. He took that bus. And you'll never get another DUI again. How many DUIs has Michael Douglas Freeman had, including the bus one? Who'd have thought you'd get one riding the bus?

I'm going to go last on this one. Okay. I like the last position on this one. I think he's got 26. 26 DUIs? I think that's high. I'm going to say he's got 12. 12 DUIs.

Good guess. I'm going to go 11. Cut him off. No, it isn't priced right, so just closest straight up. If you're closest, yeah. Closest. Closest. This will be

Michael Douglas Freeman's 7th DUI. Oh! That was! That was gameplay. That one was pure gameplay. That was just gameplay. I just wanted it to be an outrageous number. I think 7 feels outrageous to me. 26, you probably would get your legs

taken away. 26, you're in jail, right? Hopefully. That's like a compulsion to drive drunk. Really? Savage. Because he was on the bus, and then he had to get behind the wheel. That's a point where someone's like, do you think that was part of the argument when he left? Honey, I'm going to take the bus.

I'm not drunk. I'm fine to go get milk. What's going to happen? But he saw those keys, and it was like, oh my God, I got to use those keys. To me, he definitely had the milk on his lap the whole time. Because you know when people get drunk and they hang on to one specific thing the whole night? Yes.

Like, come on, buddy, we're going. Like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Where's my milk? Where's my milk? Don't worry about the milk. Just leave the milk. The milk is bad now. I got to get the milk.

Where's the teddy bear I won at the carnival? Yeah, I got the milk. Yes, the whole night. Where's the ZZ Top mirror? It's gone. It's gone. And then there's that that other level Which you know is my favorite The drunken level of Everything is happening too fast

They just kind of Wait a second Wait a second Get in the goddamn car Can we just wait a second Everybody Wait a second We're not

Relax We're taking our time Do you Everybody just relax You're like in a food place Getting like Like chicken shawarma At two in the morning.

The guy wants to take your order. Can you wait? Can everybody just wait a sec? No. No, we can't. We can't wait. He probably was like, I'm just going to finish this cigarette. I'm just going to finish this cigarette.

It's not a problem. Just want to finish. No, you've got to go. You've got to get off the bus. You've got to get off the bus. No, no, no. Just want to finish this. You've got to get off the bus.

No, no. Just want to finish it. Just want to finish it. And then you tip your hand before wanna finish it. Just wanna finish it. And then you tip your hand before you do it. Can I see those keys for a second? No. I think the keys were like shining. Yeah.

And they just hypnotized him. Once he saw the keys. And he switched both jugs to one hand right before he, yeah. Yep. And then he's like on a move. The keys were like speaking to him. Pulled out a lighter, went for the hair first. We're all assuming 2% milk, right?

At least. Oh, yeah. That's whole milk right there. You think whole milk? Whole milk. Whole. Definitely whole. Do they say in the story?

No, but I was assuming. I want to say 2%. Wouldn't it be great if it's almond? Yeah, I guarantee it's not almond. He made a prudent choice in another area of his life. I can't have that dairy. Yeah, don't buy gallons of almond, usually.

And by the way, I think that's the moral of the story. Don't buy gallons of almond. Alright, that's the first story in the books. Matt Walsh with us here on Dumb People Town. We'll be back with more DPT right after this. Dumb People Town will be back with more DPT right after this. Stick around. Make a sound for more Dumb People Town. Hey, everybody.

Welcome back to Dumb People Town. We got Matt Walsh with us. New season of Veep starts April 16th. HBO. Good memory. Yeah, and if you watch... We're fans of the show. We watch it. It's really the funniest, fastest show on TV.

What is it, six? Yeah, this will be season six. Amazing. And she's not president, as you know. Yes, yes. How did these guys... I mean, I guess it just works, but how did these guys from England

get our political system so right? It's amazing, yeah. How do they understand? These are the guys who created the show. Yeah. And they understand our garbage culture, too. Like, you guys are good at pop culture references. They could go toe-to-toe almost with you guys.

That's amazing. They're that good at, like, all the garbage things we know. Yeah. They're that good, too. But they don't write it anymore. You know they stepped away after season four. Sure, sure. But, I mean, they had it very diversified.

I think the distance helped them, actually, to be overseas and look at this country. I think it does help you understand it. But their depth of knowledge was incredible. Yeah, because I would say, well, we know a ton, but it would be like us trying to get inside baseball. The House of Commons. Yeah, inside the House of Commons. Or Premier League players.

They could do that about our NFL guys I'm not kidding you like they're so well versed in everything about our country it was amazing yeah it's just incredible

does that show a big hit in England too? I mean I think so it airs on like Sky or something I don't necessarily

know I haven't been over there since the show aired probably I'm sure I'm sure it's like the type Armando's pretty much

like a revered like I don't know if we have a version of who's like the most he's like judd apatow sort of like judd i would think of as one of the more respected or mitch mitch herwitz maybe mitch herwitz yeah exactly that realm yeah yeah he's very respected i mean it is amazing that it and literally garners such great it's it's loved by comedy folks it's loved by regular people yeah regular folks who are into politics yeah um and it is just i'm sure a pleasure to be a part of how does it ever get do you get into a mode as you're doing it to where you're like all right this is going really fast i can't even imagine like yeah it is like you know spring training like the first episode you're like i can't do this. Yeah, it is like spring training, like the first episode.

You're like, I can't do this yet. And then as the season goes on, you fall into the rhythm. There's a speed with which it goes that just is like on a walk and talk between two people who've got. But to me, it represents how quickly everybody's mind works in Washington. And that's just like classic. Well, I think Arm, Armando created it so it was that sort of fast,

like they love the insults. It was definitely founded on brutal cutdowns. The whole show, like, and that's the hardest thing is like you,

people will size you up and go to your weakest flaw and then the writers will have a joke about it and you have to stand there and go, yeah, that's pretty funny.

And the other worst part is like there'll be a guest actor in for one day and if he's obese you're delivering a fat joke to him like you don't even know the guy yeah it's like what's up fatso and then you're like hey man i'm cool guy just so you know because we literally would hang out afterwards so we were friends so you knew it was just comedy and it was just work but if you're meeting someone for one day and the first thing they say is like, hey, Fatso. Hey, I didn't get a chance to say goodbye. Oh, he's already on a plane. You do.

You do make a point of making sure they know you're a nice person if you're just there for a day. The nicest. It's so funny that everybody is so mean on that show. Their characters are so mean. And then Bacadal's character is like he's the king of it I'm saying like

he's at a point where like even the characters on the show are like you can't go there no like he is the limit

he's the limit as to where everybody can go he's the id he is so filthy and the writers love like he had some filthy

jism line like it was just so harsh it's like I can't even sit around this line. I can't even be in the room. It's just so like getting hit with it. I love it.

It's hard to keep that up. It's hard to keep it up in the current political climate of people being so angry at politics and it being so polarized. So I'm anxious to see the new season. I think people this year are super excited to laugh at something political. Yes. Like, more than ever, because it's such a nightmare. Yeah.

People- It's escapism. Anecdotally, it is. I think we will provide some escape. But it is true. Like, people are dying for, like you're saying, I'm anxious to see what they're doing. Yeah. Because it's a nice diversion.

nice uh diversion i'm just ecstatic that you are on the show and that your talents of what you do individually is being like totally highlighted if i were to say what does matt walsh do really well you got to watch veep and you'll see it you'll see everything that he does and players thank you one and i was one and done yeah that was a quick one. But that is the benefit of returning to a character. As an actor, it's like you never get to do something second season or third season. So it's a real benefit to like- You get so deep into who this guy is. Yes. And you do play him with a lot of humanity.

So I love it. I just love it, man. So I'm very grateful for that. So April 16th, that comes out. Watch that show. And oh, by the way, I think this drops tomorrow. Yes. So as we're taping it.

So on Tuesday this weekend, we are going to be in Portland with Dan Van Kirk. We are. Doing shows at Helium. So I'm going to say this to all of our Portland people who listen to the show. Get out. Please come out and see us at Helium. It's one of the best comedy clubs out there. Dan's going to do a feature set.

His standup is so good. And we're going to be doing our, we haven't been there in like, I think. Two and a half years. Two years. Two years maybe. So it's been a while for us so happy to see all of our portland peeps and i love that city so much yeah and i think we're doing a finding the funny while we're there as well great so we'll more to talk about that we're in the top in the works right now to talk about doing that with audible doing like a long thing with that are you guys out how many weekends a year are you guys you two first i'd say like between 12 and 20.

Okay. It's pretty busy. Yeah, once a month. Is that about right? Maybe twice a month and a couple months. You know, it's funny because- Do you still like it? I do.

I love it, yeah. I hate being away from our families. Of course. Because that is super hard. As you know, as you shoot your show in D.C. Yes. That is really- Well, we're in L.A. now.

You're in L.A. now, but we did four years in Baltimore. Your days in Baltimore, every time I would talk to Matt, we would talk about whatever horrible movies he had just watched to kill time. We had a movie theater in the basement of our hotel. Oh my God. So it was one of those things like you do in your 20s, like, I'll just walk to the theater,

pay 10 bucks to see anything. You would see everything. So I saw every... It was the year that Ender's Game came out. That's a movie I would never see. Or that Jeff Bridges won. Oh, think of it. He's... It's a... What was it?

The Giver. The Giver. Not a good movie at all. Assist. Assist. Not a good movie at all. You just gave that. I paid without even thinking.

Because you just needed to fill the time. Yeah. It's like you're on a overseas container and you never leave the hotel it just feels like you live in this hotel so we so that's why you know for us it's a little bit like that too but what we've tried to do is you know we tried to do this documentary podcast series which we're trying to get going in a larger sense over at audible okay which is called finding the funny where we try and find what's funny about try and get into the local culture as quickly as we can and try and write material material that we give ourselves a challenge over three days can we write five to ten minutes of

comedy about portland so you hear us going through it you hear us like experiencing the town now portland is going to be super hard to do because portland portlandia right yeah we'll just steal from them uh no but like that's the reason why we're actually walking into this not terrified just throw a jailblazers joke in there they like to call them the jailblazers yes because they had a lot of criminals for a while yeah i don't know what era they had a couple of guys who had some problems with the law jailblazers yeah uh so yeah so you say it's all been tread upon? What are we going to find for us?

Well, that's the thing, though. How are we going to find it? So, we're going to do that this weekend. And that's always, like, gives us, first of all, it forces us to get out and experience the city in a deep way. Yeah. And connect with it in a deep way. And then the task of writing material that makes local people laugh at themselves, very

difficult. So, we're always feeling like, okay, there's nervousness and excitement. It's not just going up and doing the same set that we've done over and over. ourselves very difficult so we're always feeling like okay there's nervousness and excitement it's not just going up and doing the same set yep that we've done over and over so if they say this and then we find ourselves in madison doing shows where a couple is sitting at like an outdoor table and they say i love you guys want some of our lemon bar and then they go upstage and do like seven minutes on the i that's the only madison is totally the town where people like have some of our lemon bars.

If you're like in New York, you have the lemon bars. They'll get an interaction by the time we leave the airport. We'll be like, well, that's four minutes right there. I know. We'll see. We'll see. We shall see. Anyway, come to the shows in Portland.

I know we have a second story. Let's get into it right now. Here we go. All right. This was sent in by Kathy Haas at K-A-T-Y-Y-D-I-D-N-T. K-D-Y didn't? I don't know. K-y didn't i don't know katie didn't thanks kathy haas bay city michigan a bay city man is accused of mugging this is a story like if any of us jumped on stage to do some improv and we

premised our like the other person into this bit we would just sit back and do we could do this forever. And let that, okay. The people in this story. Bay City, Michigan. A Bay City man is accused of mugging a friend

on the street for some beer then going to his victim's house to watch TV until police arrived. Mugged a friend. Mugged a friend.

Yes. That's a weird Now does that date mugging? Does that cross the line of mugging? I don't think that qualifies as mugging. Or friend. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Does that qualify as friendship? No. How many times before the mugging did one of them say to the other, just give me the beer? I ain't mugging a lady. Let me carry the beer. You're being a dick. Just give me the beer. We're going to the same place.

Just let me carry the beer. I'm just waiting to mug a friend. He's just waiting to mug a friend going to the same place. Just let me carry the beer. I'm just waiting to mug a friend. He's just waiting to mug a friend. Take one of them out and let me carry one of the beers. Nope. Just wait. Yeah, and then the other guy is just only going, nope. Nope.

Nope. Nope. Give it to me. Nope. Give it to me. Like they're not... Give it to me. They're in their own drunk where they're minimalist drunk.

Nope. Nope. Nope. Give it to me. Give it to me. Nope. Give it to me. Give it to me.

Nope. Can I just... Can we get one of the beers? We're going back to your house. Give it to me. Nope. Nope. Give it to me. That's to me. Nope. Give it to me. Give it to me. Nope. Can I just... We're going back to your house. Give it to me. Nope. Nope. That's like my kids in the back of my car. The same argument.

Yeah. Give it to me. Stop it. They're mugging each other. What you don't understand is that they're mugging the shit out of you. Mugging their brother in the backseat of your car. Give me a CC. No.

Jay, what did you say about Walsh's kids? The best, my favorite, Walsh, can I tell a story about your son? Please. At a party that i was at uh i was at a hanukkah party which means it's in december yes at our buddy john stern's house and uh tons of great comedy people and their families there it was so fun for me to see everyone's families and uh and it's raining and cold let me just say that outside it is raining and cold and we're outside on a covered thing and I look outside and there's some kids outside.

Because fine, rain doesn't bother some kids. And then I see one kid take off his shirt and start going into the pool. And I'm like, that pool, number one, cannot possibly be heated. And number two, it's raining. Who is getting into a pool right now? And then I see Matt Walsh. Either your wife said to you or you said to your wife, you're like, he's going in the pool.

It was your son. Your son couldn't be stopped. He was like a tortoise that was just like, he's got to go in. And he had fun. And then he came in and dried off. To his defense, when we had the pool at the other house, we would do like polar bear in the winter.

We would jump in. Just jump in and get out. I would get them to do that. So he'd been seasoned to do that. But he was the only person. The rain is kind of tricky, too. I love that he had the balls at a party to just go in. It was phenomenal.

It was so great. He's pretty fearless. He is fearless. With the water, yeah. But also it says a lot about the parenting, too. That you're like, yeah, let him go in. You guys didn't freak out at all no we'll see we'll talk to me in 15 years see what he's doing he might be pulling his friends for beer yeah he might be pulling crazier stunts off the roof or something then i'm not a good parent dear god no but he is such a fun

funny character and i love i just love watching him do that and then you guys were so cool about it you guys are cool about it just before 1 a a.m. on Saturday, February 18th, police responded to the area of South Henry and Jane Streets for an assault complaint. Officers found the 49-year-old male complaining, laying on the ground next to a fence in front of 305 South Henry Street. So if anybody wants to do a walking tour of the story,

go head down to 305, which is probably somebody's house, and they're like, leave. This is not... Please go away. street so if anybody wants to do a walking yeah it's a walking tour of the head down to 305 which is probably somebody's house and they're like leave this is not please go away that's why there's a fence around this place there's a man laying down right if you're an adult laying down if you're a kid laying down in a store your parents are gonna have it means like you're bored laying down so you had a heart attack you are people are concerned so if you're an adult laying down outside of a fence there there's a problem. I imagine this guy, he's the one who was mugged, the friend who was mugged.

Yeah. Just laying down, one arm up in the air as they pull up. Over here! I got it. Over here! A little help? Probably could get up, but he really wants to keep the scene pristine for the police. It's the guy in the pickup basketball game who gets fouled and lays on the ground until

you call the foul. I got it. I love watching those people get up when the foul call never comes. It's so begrudged. Yeah, and they look up to see if the ball goes in as soon as it goes out. I got it. I got it. I got it.

I got hit. The man said, the friend, whoever, he said he could not get up as he could not put weight on his leg, which means you'd only know if you tried. He told police he went to Old Town Party Store. That is the name of the liquor store. Old Town Party Store.

Old Town Party Store. Party Store is beer and wine in Michigan. Is it one of those? Probably. At 204 South Henry. Guys, we can go on a tour. Which means they also got

like a block and a half, right? My guess is that he probably told the police at some point he's got too much pus in his knee. It's acting up. A lot of some point he's got too much pus in his knee it's acting up a lot of acting up i got too much pus in the let's make this the audio tour so people can just listen yes and they can start now start now now pause you're approaching 204 facing north from the parking lot right now pause look pause. Look to your left. See, that's where he spit, because that was his level of drunkenness.

Just spitting. Lay down. Imagine your right leg incapacitated. Whenever you see someone who hasn't been running or anything just up and spit. It is, to me... I saw a woman, grown woman spit. I don't know why that was such an affront to me. One of the most disgusting things.

Women should be allowed to spit, but the second this woman was like, and I was like, what is going on? I never understood the guys who spit and then run their foot over it real quick. Like, where did you get rid of it? Where do you think that went? Yeah. Is it indoors or outdoors? I've seen both.

I worked with a guy. I worked at a psych hospital. What? I worked at a psych hospital for three years. Right after college. I was a psych major. I was going to be a psychologist. Wow.

So I went into Northwestern, took some grad school. I was never going to do it. It was a brutal way to make a living. But this guy I worked with was also a counselor. And he was really good. We worked with disturbed teens. Really good. Really caring.

You know people not like us who like spend the time to make other people's lives better. Yes. That guy. His name was Chris. But every day at the end of work, we'd get on the elevator on the eighth floor,

the doors would close and he would spit on the carpet in the elevator. What? Why? It was kind of like to get the day out of him. Yeah.

Or I'm like, I'm free. They don't own me now. Like, I can be a great guy as long as I can do this at the end of the day. That's such a weird thing. And he did it in front of me.

Did you acknowledge it? Huh? Did you ever be like, Chris? I'm like, what's wrong with you? He's like, I don't know. I like doing that. It wasn't like a loogie, but it was still spit. Enough to... Yeah. And it was his way of saying, you don't own me. Yeah. Wow.

But he was a really good person person but also it was the weirdest little idiosyncrasy that is yeah he had to do it yeah and i also that he was like i don't matt can see this yeah yeah it wasn't even what's he gonna say about yeah and i was like what are you doing i don't know let's do it i think he thought it was funny yeah it wasn't on the railing or anything yeah hey just uh you know softening up the carpet do you ever have you had that with kids where you're like we don't spit in the house no my kids my kids don't spit in the car no my kids yeah they do the raspberries or the yeah which is essentially spitting yeah my kids have spit at each other and i'm like that

is the worst thing you can know that's terrible that's That's gross. Yeah, it was like Robbie Alomar spitting it, which you know, like he did that because baseball player, second baseman for the gas in here with your cuts for the Toronto Blue Jazz. He was really on the Orioles for years. Of course. Sure. But he was with, I think Toronto at the time and he spit in an ump's face and later spit in his face.

And later it was said like to spit in someone's face who you essentially work with. I mean, the ump and the umpire and a baseball player, they are coworkers. To spit in someone's face that you work with

or that sits in judgment of you. He said that it was apparently because Robbie Alomar is allegedly gay and I think the ump might have said something about any spit. Like a homophobic slur.

The funny thing is, so that backs up the spit, but usually, spitting will equalize anything. Like somebody cold cocks somebody else and people are breaking up like, he spit on him, he spit on him. I'm like, oh, he spit on him. That's how it went in. Go after him. Let him go. Let these guys fight. Is that

endangerment? Like, does that have a different law? Do you know what I mean? Like, if you're spitting on someone, does that go beyond battery? like does that have a different law do you know what I mean like if you're are you spitting on someone does that go beyond battery oh that's a good question

I was watching I was watching bad boys okay I was watching bad boys simple assault bad boys with Sean Penn

I was watching that movie was on the other night the prison movie like the boys juvie home when I think bad boys I think one thing pillowcase full of cokes

right I think Mike Lowry. By the way, it wasn't that many, and I think it was Dr. Peppers. Okay. But it wasn't that many Cokes, all right? So it was not a full pillowcase of Cokes. But he, that scene was amazing. But Esai Morales is in there, and he's a badass.

But when the new person comes in, they spit in his face as he walks to his cell and you obviously can't CGI first of all they didn't have CGI back then so literally all these people take after take take after take another one for me spitting in Sean Penn's a spitting in Eastside Morales his face spitting in Game of Thrones remember she had to walk. Yes. Shame. Shame. Shame.

And they were spitting on her. I was thinking the same thing. I was like, is that all fake spit? No. How can it be anything but? I don't know. Multiple takes. Multiple takes.

We need another one for us. So what happened? They went to the Old Town Party store. Sure. At 204 South Henry Street. Look to your left. You'll see a dog uh to buy beer at the store okay so the person who's going there is our guy on the ground right he gets to the

store he encountered his friend william w schultz the second oh a man so great they had made another one why didn't they just name him Fuck You, Dad? Yeah. Exactly. He was also trying to. Bill Schultz. Or Junior. Yeah. Yeah. No, he hangs on to that second. The second.

Right. Because for some reason his other brother. Is the second better than Junior? His other brother gets nicknamed Junior. Okay. Right. I have a whole story I've created for the walking tour. So William Schultz, William W.

W.W. Schultz. Uh-huh. The second. Is also in the store trying to buy beer staff would not sell to Schultz however due to his drunken state so

can I just get a little you know it's bad when a convenience store is cutting you off they won't give you Mad Dog 2020 yeah

because you're literally not their problem like a bartender can cut you off because you're endangering the bar. Yeah. Right.

Convenience store. Convenience store is like, we have no responsibility. Yeah. Are you old enough? Here you go. Go outside. That's super drunk then, right? That's more drunk.

That's crazy drunk. Yeah. That's scary drunk. Right. The guy on the ground, we'll call him Eric. I don't know. It just works for me. So we have a name.

Eric goes in, sees William Schultz II trying to get beer. They won't sell to Billy Schultz. So then he buys beer. Eric does. He bought his beer and exited the store, only to be followed by Schultz, he said. You've picked up a straggler. A stowaway. He's in the bus.

He's underneath the bus. Turkish bus. He's under the Turkish bus bus he's under the Turkish bus he's under the Turkish bus on this one you know that he was like he was like oh I'll just

this is where I'll get my beer I know Eric and so he leaves Eric hold on this is a more convenient story quote from Eric he started shoving me

telling me to give him my beer the man told police according to court files robbery robbery yes quote I had the beer, the man told police, according to court files. Robbery. Yes. Quote, I had the beer

inside the pocket of my coat. So these are guys, this is... He bought one tall bar. So let me just say it. That's a level of drinking that I don't think we know. Go pick up one.

When you only have enough to go buy one and you use it to go buy one. As opposed to, we need to get a six pack to go over to these people's house and we're going to leave five of them there. This guy is buying what he can consume in that moment. Yep.

I had the beer inside the pocket of my coat. This is feeling like a winter story, by the way. It does, right? I see a big puffy coat and a big 24 ounce bottle in it. He got thrown into a snow drift and acted like that's my interpretation as well yeah uh he's he leaves the story he's like i got it in my coat william kept grabbing for my beer trying to take it from just give me the beer just give it to me come on hey i'm not gonna take your coat you have the coat hey you can't i'll take that coat schultz eventually eventually

shoved his friend who hit a metal pole, he told police. That'll be on the tour. In the reports, officers noted a large steel pipe jutting from the ground where the complainant was lying. This is in disarray. Medical personnel responded to the scene and had to lift the man onto a cot. So Eric got shoved into a pole? Yeah. Fell down, stayed there until the cops came, said, you guys are going to have to lift me onto that cot.

We're just going to put this cot underneath the Turkish bus. Under the ambulance. Eric told police that Billy Schultz might have walked to his own residence, Eric's residence, on the 500 block of South Lynn Street. Police went there and found Schultz on the couch watching TV. That is the ultimate of I'm coming into your house and I'm going to take your wife, I'm going to take your wife. I'm surprised that this guy has a house and a TV. Those are two things that I'm shocked about. Eric buying one beer at a time? Yes.

Buying one beer at a time, Eric. He didn't have cable. He wasn't watching cable. No. There was not cable. No, but he had one of those HD antennas that was not properly mounted to the wall. Right. It seems like the instinct of a dog,

like when they do something bad, they will come back to you eventually. Yeah. It feels like the dog brain. He's waiting for them to catch him. Yeah. Yeah. Billy Schultz told police

he gave his friend cash to go buy beer, but when he didn't return, he went looking for him. He said he didn't make it very far before seeing his friend fall over. He added he never touched his friend. Billy Schultz's story exists. He is the story.

Can we sit down for a sec? Come here. Sit down. You want to know what happened? I gave him money. I gave him money to get beer. Slow down. I gave him money to get beer. Wait a sec. We're all waiting.

I know you. You don't know him. I know you. I gave Eric plenty to go get beer. Okay, fine. Eric never came back with a beer. So you went out looking for him. And I was sitting here by myself watching ancient history.

That's right. I went out to go find him. I get a black and a half. And you saw him... I see Eric fall down. I turn around and came back here. You didn't want to help your friend out? You saw him fall down?

And you didn't want to help... I... I made... He wasn't bleeding. Well, I find... So you took the beer and left him on the pavement. I don't... No.

The beer I paid for. So when were you in the store? Because they're claiming you were in the store and you were too drunk to buy beer. I was looking for Eric. All right, fine. There's three police officers. This is a big... There's not much else going on.

They called for backup, by the way. Why are you guys are counting? Why are you counting here? Because they called us for backup. Guys, we got this. I know, but... Bay City has this one. Well, how many times have we showed up to a call?

No, you hang on a second. No, we're going to settle something here. You know what? Hold on a second. This is not your jurisdiction. William, relax. William, relax. Take a second. We're going to settle something here. Hold on a second. This is not your jurisdiction. William, relax. William, relax. Take a second.

You wait. You wait. This is right inside the Lakers. 204 Henry is outside of your county line. So once it goes there, we're now... But this house here is in my jurisdiction. But part of the crime scene is 204 Henry. Were you in pursuit?

Yeah. Was it a hot pursuit? Act like we're not here. Act like we're not here. Act like we're not here. Just pretend like we're not here and you lead the investigation. All right, William, we're not buying this. I wouldn't have asked that. I wouldn't have asked that.

Well, now you're interrupting me. You're interrupting me, guys. Can I just do the interrogation? Let him do it. Let him do it. Go ahead. William. William.

Let him do it. Let him do it. Wake up. Hey, hey. Talk to me. I'm talking to him. Let him do it. Stop talking to me and let him do it.

I'll fight all three of you guys. You guys need to step aside and let to me and let him do it. I'll fight all three of you guys. You guys need to step aside and let me do this interrogation. I'll fight all three of you guys one at a time. I don't think well-standing matters so much as to where he's going. You can ask questions. Just do it. You guys do it. You guys do it.

I don't want to do it. You guys do it. Can we stand right here and not say anything? You got the nice SUV. You rub it in my face. Coney gets the SUV. I got a Ford Taurus. A decent pickup. By the way, the SUV does not get

great gas mileage. It's more comfortable, but he's leaving. He's leaving. He's leaving. He's leaving. Diane didn't like Sam enough for Sam to love her. He's laying down outside. It's alright. He's laying down outside.

I'll fight all three of you guys No Did anybody get the guy On the pavement? No Why weren't you guys Getting that guy? Because we thought You would take care

It's not in our jurisdiction Yes it was That's what it was The liquor store was He's closer He's 305 204 is our thing I'm going to start

It's called New time party store Because the old time one sucks. I'm going to let you go in there and then nobody wants to pick a fight with you and go home by itself and nobody owns the cigarettes. All right.

All right, William. Get in the car. Get in. My car. Get him into his car. Which car? Which car am I going to? The small one.

If you want to come in the SUV, you can. You guys don't need to follow. You don't need to follow. Taurus had a good reason. You can fit two spare tires in the back of the truck. Get him in the Taurus. Get him in the Taurus.. You don't need to follow. Taurus had a good resale value on these. You can fit two spare tires in the back of the truck. Get him in the Taurus.

Get him in the Taurus. Which car am I going to? The Taurus. There's three Taurus. No, there's one Taurus and one SUV.

Is that a Ford? What is that? Ford Escape? No. You guys get SUV cupboards? No, Kia. It's a Kia.

It's a Kia Optima. Just get in the thing. Do you guys remember that guy from the 80s and he would sell cars for a dollar?

It was a lie. No. For the commercials he'd be like, get in the Taurus. Get in the the thing. Do you guys remember that guy from the 80s and he would sell cars for a dollar? It was a lie. No. Get in the Taurus. Get in the Taurus. Steve Azuzu? Suzuki Steve? No. You ended up being on a sitcom. Yeah, he's on Empty Nest. It was a great show. I loved Empty Nest. Whatever happened to the disabilities? Just get in the car.

Mr. Bobadier is a good show. Okay. I have sad news for you guys what happened uh okay so they put him onto a cot they go to his house he says he fell down and then i turned around and came back to his own house to wait for him schultz at the time appeared inebriated and smelled of intoxicants police wrote in their reports officers arrested schultz who grew unruly and yelled profanities court records records, show. Police later re-interviewed the complainant, Eric, at the hospital. He denied

ever receiving any money from Schultz to buy a beer. Of course! You guys ready for this? Even after he pushed me down, Eric said, he grabbed the beer and tried to take it, but I wasn't giving it up. He never gave grabbed the beer and tried to take it but I wasn't

giving it up he never gave up the beer that's right William never got the beer just went to his house and you know that Eric it was probably open

and he didn't spill or drop oh he was waiting for the beer to come home that's why he went to the house William gave up on the pushing fight

it was like I know where you're going I know where you're going I'll just wait for you I'll head him off of the path yeah like that's all cowboy in like fatal attraction when he walks in and he's just turning the lights on and off turn the lights on lights on and off bay county district but he's like not turning the lights on and off he's just sitting there going turn the lights on and off turn it on turn it on what if I just turn the vent light on no he'll think I'm not in here

but I'll still be able to see him come in that's the vent but it's the fan he keeps like that's the fan which one's the light Bay County District Judge

Timothy J. Kelly arraigned Schultz on one count of assault with the intent to rob while unarmed a 15 year felony let's play guess the bail oh i love this game it's a good bond game. They're a bond. 15 years?

Wow. Yes, that's a possible 15-year felony. Cash bond, what do you think, Jay? $10,000. $10,000. Great guess. That's a great guess. Push the guy down. I'll go 15 grand.

15 grand. I will go two beers. Because you know it can't cover. I think $3,000. $3,000. Rack it up. Three for three think $3,000. $3,000. Rack it up. Three for three. $50,000.

Whoa! Walsh is on fire. Walsh. 50K. The game show element I love. Walsh is the game. What do I win? You win two beers.

Two beers? Two coat beers. You get to push Eric into a snowbank. I don't care how meta this is. The greatest thing about the scene you guys established if you could shoot that or put that on stage is listening to the argument the three cops are having

but watching William either try to mediate or start his own thing or making a sandwich or just scroll through the TV fixing the antenna No, not that sandwich. Or just scroll through the TV. No, not that one. Seen that.

He asked one of the officers to hold his water, which they do without thinking. Now we're in the cyber. Oh, that would be so much fun. I love it. Two stories down in the books. Dumb People Town, this is how we do it. Hey, if you like what you're listening to, please rate this thing on iTunes.

Subscribe to it. Rate it. Give it five stars. Give it a review. All these things help us keep us up in the old top little chunk up there, which definitely helps us out. So please do that. We'll come back after the break

with one more segment and a special voicemail. Matt Walsh, Dan Van Kirk, we're the Sklod Brothers. Stay with us. Stick around. make a sound for more Dumb People Town. Hey everybody, welcome back to final segment of Dumb People Town.

Dan will be with us, as we mentioned, important this weekend. We're going to Kansas City and maybe Dan will come with us on that. That's May 11th through the 13th, so we're excited about those shows. We just put that on the books. Is it a casino? No, it's a club.

It's a club, The Improv, in Kansas City. Do you do casinos? We have. We did one casino. West Siloam, right? West Siloam, Oklahoma, which is down in Oklahoma. Nice casino? Great casino.

And the woman who runs it lacy was lacy applegate lacy applegate she does any relation to christina no i don't know we didn't ask we didn't ask she's a huge fan of comedy i'm like very knowledgeable about comedy so she fills the room with comedy fans yeah it was one of the best shows we've done it was great it was amazing one show one night, Saturday night was a blast. Yeah. All right, shall we get to the last one? This is a short one, guys.

Riverboat or land-based? Land-based. Land-based. When we were growing up in St. Louis. Indian affiliation or no? Yes. Cherokee. Cherokee.

Okay. When we were in St. Louis, we had riverboat gambling. So there is the river. There's obviously the Missouri River and there is the Mississippi River. There are boats on the river that I guess they could do, but they were just... So there is the river. There's obviously the Missouri River and there is the Mississippi River. There are boats on the river that I guess they could do, but they were like, no, here's how we're going to get around that.

We're going to build a giant building, which is essentially a casino. Essentially like in a casino. And then we'll put like a one foot moat around the whole building. And call it a boat. And our dad, who used to gamble all the time

when he was alive, said, would always say, I'm going to the boat. We're like, you mean the building alive, said, I would always say, I'm going to the boat. We're like, you mean the building with a moat around it? Yeah, I'm going to the boat. Going to the boat. Your mother needs new drapes.

We're like- Going to the boat. You're not going to win. How can you be that confident that you're going to get mom drapes? In Illinois, they used to, before they did that, they would just leave 20 feet offshore. Every two hours, they would just pull out 20 feet into the river and then just dock back in. That's how they got around it.

That's it. Riverboat gambling. Riverboat gambling. So this is short, but I enjoyed it. Packs a punch. Sent in by Scott Luton. He used hashtag Dumb People Town at Daniel Van Kirk. His handle is at air time, T-I-M-E, Luton.

I love his cough drops. Huge fan of his cough drops. A Florida woman was arrested last Thursday after she offered an undercover police officer oral sex in exchange for Taco Bell. Wow. Either her blowjobs are terrible. There's no or there. A lot of Taco Bell.

Either her blowjobs are terrible or they're horrible. There's no or there A lot of talk about It's just Either her blowjobs are terrible Or they're horrible Or they're unbearable Either her blowjobs are terrible Or they're inedible They're just Oh my god

Why are they terrible? I don't understand the thought behind that Because Taco Bell is Is the worst It's the worst I get that we used to order but why does that mean her blow jobs are terrible she's like because it doesn't have to be that great she's not even trying to exchange for chipotle you don't have to give a

great blow job to get a taco bell like if you want to give a great blow job you can ask for like ruth's chris steakhouse so she was the world's best blowjob artist, she would be going for steak, is what you're saying? She'd be going for steak. She'd be outside of Ruth Chris. She'd be hanging outside of Ruth Chris. High-end sushi. Or macaroni grill or something. Right. She'd be using her powers for good.

I'm just... Okay. She could be a great blowjob artist with bad taste in food. There you go. That's my only point. That's another... She doesn't appreciate herself. Yeah.

Yeah. Or she just likes what she likes. She doesn't know how good she actually is. Right. She could knock it out of the park as far as fellatio goes. She could undervalue what she does. Right. And maybe that's the problem here.

She has a terrible sense. Well, certainly set your goals higher. Absolutely. I mean, that might be the whole problem with this whole thing. Or understand how currency works. Maybe she doesn't understand how currency, like she's locked into a barter world. According to WJXT TV.

Buffy, Suzanne, Brian. The taco slayer. 47 years old. Oh boy. Approached an undercover police officer. Less interested when that age hits? No. Are you less interested in the visual? That's us. That's where we are. There's still time.

There's still time. How about This storyline On the TV show This is us Yeah This is us Is buff in any way Slang for blowjob

Like a buff job Am I crazy No maybe I don't know I've never heard it But you A buff would be More be a hand job

Handy I'm buffing that thing I'm buffing it clean Well Buffy Suzanne Bryan 47 Approached an undercover police officer who was posing as a customer.

This is the biggest element to me in this story, that the cops are like, if you want to go get him, you want to arrest him. You got to really- You go to that Taco Bell and you pretend to be a customer, they'll come up to you. I don't want to eat that food. What is going on in this town that they're like, that's where they're staying at? Or was this just a cop who was getting Taco Bell and got offered a blowjob? Could be.

But if it's a sting operation in a Taco Bell waiting line to order food. All I'll say is there's the only thing that I keep thinking about anytime someone says undercover cop is there was a great book about the porn industry. Like the most comprehensive book about it by Legs McNeil great writer great journalist wrote an unbelievable book and he wrote a section about these undercover cops who are trying to bust a huge porn ring in like florida and they went so deep undercover that like one of them couldn't come back oh so i imagine what if this was the guy who just went so deep that he could not come back he's now like he's just ordering taco bell on his own at this point. He's like a juggalo now.

He goes flat out gathering of the juggalos every year. I love it. I love it. I'm in it, man. I'm in it, bro. We need you to report to things. I don't need to report to shit. You need to report to me.

Brian was arrested, charged with offering, committing, or engaging in prostitution or assignation? I don't know. It was the ninth time she had been arrested for prostitution. Was it come on, I'll suck your dick for a chalupa? Well, that's what we're going to do now, guys. Here we go. Ready?

What is the grand total of the items she wanted in exchange for a blowjob? Okay. You want a money value, like a monetary value. What is the monetary value of the items she wanted? I'm going to say it's like a $5.99 meal deal. I will give you this. It is less than $10. Wow.

Well, that could be anything at Taco Bell. I know. I'm going to go meal deal number, like $5.99. $5.99. With tax or without? Doesn't matter. I have the total for you. Okay.

Okay. Okay. I'll do $7.99. $7.99. I'm going to do three of the hexagonal Crunch Wraps. Super Double Decker? Super Double Decker Crunch Wraps. Just saying that is giving me diarrhea. Just saying the hexagonal Crunch Wraps.

Matt, these are the guys in college who would order like 50 tacos every time. Wrong. High school, and it would be 10 of them. We'd be in the back of Matt Fott's truck, drunk, like rolling around like weird pieces, like bottles on the ground after drinking. We would each get 10. Each get 10 tacos at the Taco Bell of our house. I ate a lot of Taco Bell as a young man, so it's not abnormal.

And then we were so drunk that you'd throw it up, and it would look better than it did when it came to you. Oh, I wish we had chips of yours. As I'm eating it, I'm thinking to myself, this is going to come out. Then just strings of lettuce. How many packets of sauce on each taco? That's what I was wondering, too. No sauce.

No sauce? Cheese and meat. I'll go for lettuce. Cheese and meat and lettuce. A little bit of lettuce. A little bit of lettuce. Come on, we don't want to be too healthy. Yeah, I'm going to say like $6.

$6. Oh. $5.99. Cut him off. I said $5.99. He went penny up. That's a great guess. And you're $7.99.

This like prices right. Okay, here we go. Two complaints. But he's got anything lower. She offered sex in exchange for two soft tacos for a total of $2.14. Oh my gosh. Matt, what? He ran the table, Matt.

I'm going to go with the... I want the car. I want the car. I want to go for the car. $2. She offered a blowjob in exchange for $2.14 worth of Taco Bell food. And by the way, don't order something that's soft when you're trying to give a blowjob. Soft tacos.

Yeah. You're just setting yourself up for disappointment. So that guy's sitting indoors, right? She's not approaching him outside. They're in line at Tacojob. Soft tacos. Yeah. So that happens. You just set yourself up for disappointment. So that guy's sitting indoors, right? She's not approaching him outside. They're in line at Taco Bell. In line. It's in line. Yes.

He's standing indoors. Ting, ting, ting, ting. Tapping him on the shoulder. I'll give you a blowjob for two soft tacos. Keep that order open. Keep it open. Hold on, miss.

Hold on, miss. You order yet? You order yet? Suck your dick for two tacos. What was it? Two soft tacos for $2.14. No drink? She already has her drink.

She's got a shot coming. Puffy, I ain't higher. $2.14. The question is, how far did she get in it? Did she give him, did he? Yeah, what's the exchange? Once he orders the food, that's when the exchange happens what's the point like as a cop do you need to have her start giving you a blowjob no that's like a bribe like if somebody offers you a bribe i guess you'd have to money exchange

the money the money is what makes it a crime right money shot happens so he had to order the food he had to order the food for it to be illegal. And once he shows her the food, and she says, I'm going to suck your dick, that's when he can nail her. Can I get two fire packets? But can't you just say,

I never said that? Unless he's got a camera? No, but if he's holding the bag, he buys the two soft tacos, turns to her, says, okay, I got the food. And she says, I'll suck your dick now.

That's all he needs. Is it?'t think so i think when he hands her the bag because now they've exchanged i would love for him money or goods oh so her receiving yeah i think it's he unzips his pants turn around no unzips his pants and in his underwear is a badge yeah and that's how it works you got your guys's interpretation of how police work gets done is there's half blowjobs and badges and pants. But by the way, you know the person working behind the desk is like, that's the third time this happened.

I think he literally, as he's handing the bag, has to say, so I'm giving you this and you're going to suck my dick. And she says yes. That's when you can get it. Why are you so formal? But that's it. I think that is it. He has to get her to agree to that moment.

But it is the good. You have to give her the thing. The hand or the soft top. I feel a little bad for her. He's like, order a little more. I feel a little bad for her. You don't want this to go down. Why? What if it was Chick-fil-A?

Would you feel better for her? Listen, I just think Taco Bell is not great lighting for a blowjob. What franchise would you feel... If she was inside of, what franchise would you feel a little... Don't say Burger King. Cheesecake Factory. I don't know. It's a sexual act.

It feels more like... It's a sexual act. It feels more like In-N-Out. Oh, In-N-Out. Yeah. That's a decent sandwich, though. That's a good sandwich. And the idea of In-N-Out. She's classy-N-Out. Yeah. That's a decent sandwich, though. That's a good sandwich. And the idea of In-N-Out.

She's classy. A Shake Shack. And she's cutting the line. Oh, Shake Shack. That's a better call. Yeah. Have you been to a good Shake Shack? Oh, yeah.

I said I'll take the burger and a blizzard. I just want the cop to be like, order something else. You've got to get this total up. You're not going to want this to be on the report. Get like a double xl stuff burrito and a chalupa and a cinnamon twist get one of those get one of those tacos with the chicken wrapped around yeah yeah the fried chicken has the thing that's happening by the way even in the commercial where they're like supposed to make it looks messy the cop gets up front. He's like, you know what?

She's going to have two soft. You know what? Throw in two Cool Ranch Dorito tacos to spice it up for her a little bit. I would hope he gave it to her after he arrested her. Let her have it. Let her have it. She should have it on the way to jail. She should have it.

She should have it. She should have it. She should have it. She's in the back of the cruiser eating. I'm going to throw this up later. She should have it. Which, by the way. Which would be the'm gonna throw this up later she should have it which by the way is a great movie

she should have it or the new or the new Freddie Prinze Jr. turns a girl she should have it she teaches her how to give a blowjob

nope she propositions Freddie Prinze Jr. and Freddie Prinze Jr. as the cop decides to book her but on the way to the station

they fall in love with her and he turns her from a blowjob artist into exactly and then at the end of the station, they fall in love. They fall in love with her and he turns her from a blowjob artist into... Exactly. And then at the end of the movie, she owns a taco bell. Or it's like, no, it's a taco truck.

Gets her into the manager trainee program. There you go. Yeah, that's the happy ending. She should have it. All right. Three stories, Walsh four for four. She should have it. All right, before we get out of here,

we got a voicemail from our favorite, the loneliest TSA agent in America. He works at Chicago Midway Airport. You go through the airport and you look at these TSA folks. As we're about to go on the road this week to go to Portland, we're going to walk through the airport and I don't really feel like I understand who these people are. A lot of time they're angry at you for traveling. They're just mad that you're there.

And I get that on some level. And they're mad just mad that you're there. And I get that. On some level. And they're mad that they have to keep explaining themselves. I get it. There is one guy, though, at the Chicago Midway Airport. Who looks to make a connection with every single traveler. And he's the loneliest TSA agent ever. His name is Michael Kissick. And he left us a voicemail.

Listen to it. How you doing, Sklar brothers? Michael Kissick here. Just giving you guys a call on my break. It's been wacky down here. We got so many people. They put all these new regulations on us. And, you know, we don't do a lot of international flights out here in Southwest.

But Southwest, they do go to Putakana or Cabo or whatever it is. Yesterday, I had a lady come in through here with a Bishan. It was like a service animal. And I thought to myself, that ain't no service animal. So I made it play fetch with me for 17 minutes. The dog was nice as could be. Then I told her,

you can't take that dog on unless you leave it here with me. I was this close to getting a dog. Would have been nice to have a friend. Anyway, I want to let you guys know, so they got all the travel ban going. Here's my rule. If someone gives me a hug, let them through. Who cares?

They're obviously a caring, decent person. They got their pay person order. It's something I do on my own. I also want to let you guys know, next time you come through Midway, I got coupons for Sbarro. And I'm happy to take you guys there. You gotta buy three slices, but you get two garlic knots. And they'll put a little extra butter on that garlic knot for you. Other secret deal, if you go to the smoking section down off Gate B18,

they still play the old Mayor Daily recording of saying, Welcome to Midway Airport. It just takes me back to back when I was married and the girls still talk to me. Anyway, I hope you guys are doing good. If you're coming through, I want to, you know, no problem through me. You just give me a big high five or a hug or, you know, we got any tickets for your show or you want to hang out. We'll go down and get a dog or something. All right, Michael Kisik out.

Does it sound like he's crying? It's right on the surface. And did he call it a service aminal? Yeah. He did call it a service aminal. That's Midway. Hey, that's Midway for you. And you know what? I think Michael Kissick is maybe

the biggest reason ever that more international flights should be going out of Midway. I agree. Travel banned my ass. Alright, we're traveling this week. We'll see you guys in Portland. Thank you so much. Come out. It's going to be fun. Come out. In the upcoming weeks, we've got coming on this

podcast upcoming. We've got Dan Harmon is going to be coming up. Jen Kirkman. Aisha Tyler. Sam Richardson has got the new show. A great Second City guy Detroiters and he's on Veep and very very funny there

very funny Matt Walsh thank you so much for joining us thank you for having me gentlemen where do I pick up my prize oh

who's got it you'll see it on the way out if you don't see it just keep walking there's not much of a yep just go out front and then go out back

front and then go out back alright that door locks though nope we'll see how it goes just buzz if you need to alright Damien Kirk Yep, just go out front and then go out back. Yep, go out front and then go out back. All right. That door locks, though. Nope, we'll see how it goes. Okay, just buzz if you need to. All right, Damian Kirk, Jason Sklar, thank you guys so much. Thank you, Ram.

We are out. We'll see you next week. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum.