Dumb People Town - Matteo Lane - Turkey Tales

Episode Date: September 4, 2020

This week Matteo Lane comes to town to hang with Daniel, Jason and Randy to hear about a woman who calls the police to report mystery meat in a supermarket purchase.

Skypains Avenue Hey, townies, welcome to a Friday episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Lane. Population Lane. Mateo Lane, welcome to the show, my friend. I'm so happy we can do this. You're in New York. We're here. It's good to see you.

We miss you at festivals. I'm in New York. I'm doing it. I'm making it happen. Me and Liza are still making it happen. I can't believe she's still making it happen. How is she making it happen? I don't know.

Right? She does it with... she's still making it happen. How is she making it happen? I don't know. Right? I'll tell you. She does it with... Like, she literally... I'm obsessed with her. She's really been white-knuckling it for years, but I mean... Hang on a second. A gay man is obsessed with Liza Minnelli. Stop it. Hold it.

Stop the presses. I don't understand. At least my generation. I mean, now it changes to Lady Gaga or Ariana Grande, but I'm still sticking with Liza. I do. You're kicking it old school. I love it.

I love Farmer's Drive, and I love Maria Callas, and I love Liza Minnelli. There you go. Beautiful. It's also true what you said, Jay. Summer does feel like the time when you get to see all the New York comics that you know and love, unless you go to the city or they happen to be here.

But like the, just that run of festivals, it feels like our, our version of like summer break where I get to see either. We're in Austin for moon tower, Montreal. And then that's where we get to hang with all you guys. And yeah,

I will say the lives of Nelly does seem like someone who has every preexisting condition. So I don't know why she would be out at all doing anything in these days. She feels like she was born wheezing. I was trying to go to Sardis. Why are you wheezing? It's a great life. I was having so much fun.

Yeah, she's so ridiculous. I know. She's very, very understated. She makes Kristen Wiigg look overstated yeah she does what she does she goes uh so we believe that the world's getting dumber i don't know if you have that thought do you believe that it's getting dumber or are we just being i think the world's always been stupid and there's a few select few who are smart and just like drag us through the mud to move forward in society and the rest

of us are a bunch of idiots all right i put myself in that category yeah i'm glad you're but at least you got dragged there it's the people who won't be dragged it's the people who dig their feet in as they're getting we allow ourselves to be dragged by the smart people right well i mean at some point you're like left with no choice you know what i mean so i don't know like everyone talks about the renaissance era in in italy and i'm sure it was just da vinci being like yeah you're all a bunch of fucking idiots like all of you yeah you're all like only one person really merged from that being like yeah i'm a fucking g i'm like literally trying to figure out how to fly and And the rest of you are like,

orange? You're all idiots. I fully believe that and I think we're maybe just going through that right now. Well, what happens is we have our awesome fans send us great stories and then we just break them down. Of dumb people doing dumb things. And I'm so happy that you're with us and again, this pandemic allows us to

hang with our friends who are on the other coast and this is just a treat. So let's jump into the story, shall we? Okay, you ready? This was sent in by Michael Drum at Michael Drum on Twitter. It's two Ms. Beat it. Okay. All right.

Authorities did their due diligence this week after a woman thought she bought a package of smoked turkey tails. I did not know that was even a thing. Is that a thing? Smoked turkey tails. Isn't that just feathers? Turkeys have a tail? Do they? Is it the little nub that the

feathers all fan out from? I've never heard of a turkey tail. Maybe this woman was like, I saw myself a turkey tail. Get them a turkey tail. Maybe this woman was like, I sell myself a turkey tail. And you're like, that's a fact. Get them a turkey tail. Get them turkey tails. It's like when somebody tries to buy something at a place that they don't sell.

How much for these turkey tails? Sir, we have no. We don't know what that is. We don't sell turkey tails. And then a manager comes out and is like, what are you looking for? Right. Yeah, we got that. We got that.

We started selling turkey tails. Yes, we have turkey tails. Yes. Yes. I didn't know turkey tails existed nor did i sound like a fable during thanksgiving yeah turkey tails grandpa got up and told the turkey tails and then he took a shit in the in the living room yeah sure all right okay so so and i thought they were smoked and a bag uh-huh a bag of smoked turkey tails okay got it trying to say beef jerky maybe right but the fact that it's in a really like back water like way of saying like new orleans

way like grew up there it has like you know just lives in a swamp and you're like turkey tail and you're like no that's that's a beef jerky right or or get into how stupid the name beef jerky is too right no no it's that's dumb why are we why are we clinging to that turkey tails turkey tails is just a carnival food like it's something completely different that they call turkey tails like if you get an elephant right sounds like the demon version of Veggie Tales. Yeah, sure. Which I would watch.

You know, maybe it's like the devil's like, well, we have Turkey Tales. Turkey Tales also could be a kid's show. Turkey Tales, Turkey Tales. Yeah, but you learn, like you become agnostic. Yeah, right. Yeah. Okay. I also want to bring back into the lexicon, and Mateo, I want you to help me do this.

You turkey. As like a, you idiot. Come on, you turkey. Jive turkey. You turkey. I want to bring turkey back. All people are turkey? Yes.

Jive turkey. This turkey over here? I've never heard turkey. You turkey. You know what I mean? Get over here, you bunch of turkeys. What happened to putz? Honestly, in high school, I would have rather been called a faggot than a turkey.

Oh, come on. Oh, man. You went to a fame high school. I can't believe you went to a performance arts high school. And you still wanted that. John Hersey High School, northwest side of Chicago in the suburbs. And, whoo, fun. Yeah.

Dan, do you know that high school? No. I'm from Rochelle, Illinois. Out probably like south of rockford and the kelp area so we're far out yeah yeah we're a hundred years away yeah but we know we never we didn't get to know and until like you know you get to state and then you just lose to one of those chicago yeah yeah um okay so she tries to buy a package of smoke turkey tails which we all are going to have to believe. Don't know what that is. But she received something that was much more phallic shaped than expected. Yep.

Lamia Singfield of Akron, Ohio. This comes from thebeaconjournal.com. Said she had purchased a pack of smoked turkey tails from the grocery store to cook for dinner. So they're not even pre-cooked. Yeah. But they're smoked. You never get your turkey tails pre-cooked.

As she was cooking them in beans, she said something didn't look right. Now, what if turkey tails and beans are one of the best dishes none of us have ever had? I don't know. Please, if someone out there, one of our fans- Turkey tails and beans. Has made it, has made turkey tails and beans, I want photo evidence. Can I just google what a turkey tail do it while we're talking i'm just wildly confused okay turkey tails do it okay apparently it's a thing okay wait a minute why why are mushrooms coming up okay okay

what i'm just gonna write literally write what do you guys think the urban dictionary definition Wait a minute. Why are mushrooms coming up? I'm just going to literally write what is turkey. What do you guys think the Urban Dictionary definition of a turkey tail is? I don't know. When you take a shit and it sticks out of your ass and you spin around going, oh, no, no. That'll work. That's it.

That checks out. That's it. And that's how you celebrate the two nights before Thanksgiving. And that's how you write the tail. A turkey tail is a thing that includes a quarter billion turkeys is also known as the parson's nose pope nose or sultan's nose the tail is actually a gland that attaches the turkey's feathers to its body there you go that the birds use to preen itself so about 75 percent of the calories come from fat used for they used for turkey tails and medicinal mushroom with an impressive range of benefits? I have no idea.

Neither do we. Now you know more than we do. Okay, now we know. Alright, good. We got it. What do you put in a stew? It's got all that fat in it. Yeah, you let the fat burn off the turkey tail and then you got the stew. Something didn't look right. One of the tails looked a lot more like a human penis than any other kind

of meat she said how would she know quote this is what she said on a facebook live stream i'm calling save a lot this ain't right i know what this is who knew that save a lot was your premier stop for turkey tails or human penises right, if don't call the store, someone there, if that's real, someone killed somebody, call the cops. I mean,

if they are, if they literally are human penises, this woman is literally eating a bag of dicks. Yes, she is. Right. Well, at least one.

A bag of one. Right. How did that phrase come up? Eat a bag of dicks. Save a lot. It's like, you go down to save a lot and go eat a bag of dicks? How did that even come? Save a lot. It's like you go down to save a lot and go eat a bag of dicks. That's what this is. Do you have a bag of penises?

Do you have a bag of dicks? Yeah. Did you say you go to Costco and say, we don't have a bag. We've got a pallet of dicks. Did Jerry get the forklift and bring it on over here? It's 8,000 dicks. The bag of dicks are right next to the air conditioner, which is next to the oil. Yes.

And you're going to pass the coffins. They're over. The turkey tails are by the baby coffins. Right. Her receipt says she bought turkey tails, she said, as though she thought the receipt might say turkey tails with one penis in it. Right. She's like, I didn't buy a human penis.

I'm looking at the receipt right here. It does not say human penis. It's saying that I bought no human penises. A photo of the label she provided says smoked pork tails. So is that even turkey tails? No, smoked pork tails. Maybe even the computer couldn't register turkey tails. And so it's like, need pork I don't know

just put pork down if you're going somewhere to order turkey tails you deserve a bag of dicks you deserve at least one human penis cut to someone listening to this who loves turkey tails nobody's business this next sentence

tells you everything not everything but you'll learn a lot about Lamia in one sentence. She went on Facebook Live, something she does regularly. It's like, okay, I already know you. You're on Facebook Live a lot. You like to hear your own voice.

Like us. Like all four of us. I can relate to this gal. We're just not on Facebook Live. I delete my Facebook, to be fair. And if I do Instagram Live, it's usually to teach someone how to cook pasta properly. Okay.

That's perfect. That's it. You know what you're teaching someone how to cook properly next? Turkey tails. Turkey tails. Please. So she goes on Facebook Live, something she does regularly, to ask friends if they saw

what she did none of these people are professionals to deal with a severed human penis so she's saying are you seeing what i'm seeing at first she said she thought it was funny but the longer she looked at the item the more she became concerned that the phallic shaped meat could be from a human so she took a bite and so she called police i'm gonna now i'm gonna bring this up so that you could take a look at it with us pateo get ready here we go right here sure so this is what it looks like oh that does not look like a penis to me it i would if i were the cops and i entered her house and i saw that i would say miss i think you need to get laid more yes i would say girl you've seen some bad dicks uh that i don't know what penis result i mean that looks i've never seen a turkey tail but

i'm going to first of all she cooked it secondly i've never seen turkey tail but i'm going to, it's first of all, she cooked it. Secondly, I've never seen Turkey tail, but I'm assuming that that's what it would look like. Right. That's not too far off. But, but look, we've seen Jesus Christ in a cheat, in a grilled cheese sandwich that we're going to see a penis in a Turkey tail.

Like it's not impossible. Yeah. That's not a giant leap to suddenly see what looks like. We see what we want. We see what we want to see. Turkey tails are Rorschach tests. You're right. She needs to get laid. She's seeing a penis in everything.

Everything I see reminds me of X-Men. Literally just a yellow smiley face, like the classic smiley face and she's like, peynish. It looks like the front of a peynish. I don't know. Maybe. It's an aerial view. Turkey tail sounds like the greatest pinata ever penis and turkey tail also a kid's show penis yeah penis

and the turkey yeah i agree that's the new rizzoli and i'll thank you so our brothers got it first of all why is this a story just putting that out because she put it on facebook live and this is a i know but all the things happening in the world, like this is somehow... Right. This is where your interns write. This is where you like give them... This is also like the one person that's like,

if I write one more political story, they're like, all right, here, you can write about a penis-shaped turkey tail. Will that get you through the day? Yeah, fine. Yes, it will get me through the day. Please, I call that a palate cleanser okay so then she asked her friends to see what do then she gets all worried so she calls

police akron police responded to the home monday evening to make a report and take the mystery meat to the summit county medical examiner's office for testing how do you test it i don't there's got to be a way to tell if it's human vagina in front of it and if it gets hard there you go if it grows then you know or whatever they're into i don't know that's if i was gonna say that's it that's if it's a heterosexual is that your johnny cochran if it grows if it grows then you know yeah if you see it grow if it fits according to the police report singfield that's amina she told she told responding officers that she was concerned the piece of meat she found could be human remains i hope it's not human because then somebody is missing something they really need or somebody

might be dead i just want answers she is the perry mason yeah what he wants answers i know also like somebody how about the fact that save a lot would be selling human? She's like, she's worried about the person who might be missing something and that they're still alive. Like someone gave them ice and anesthesia. Yep. She's going to, she's, she's going to bust this case wide open. Well, okay. Well, speaking of hard boiled eggs, our eyes and spaghetti, please. Well, is someone going to buy from the grocery store and be like, this could be a human! She loses

her mind when she goes to a Halloween party. She's like, are those eyeballs? No. She can't stand it. Alright, we'll take a quick break. When we come back, the case does get resolved right after this. I love it. Stick around. Make it sound. Four more D Don't people town.

Hey, guys. Welcome back to the show. We have Mateo Lane. Follow him on social media. Let people know how to follow you and your podcast, your great, wonderful podcast. Let them know. Inside the Closet with Emma Willman and I. And you can follow me on Instagram.

Unless if you don't like nudity, don't follow me. It's Matteo Lane, M-A-T-E-O-L-A-N-E. He is really hot, you guys. Plus, you can get a pasta recipe out of him. Yes. Oh, yeah. I often teach people how to make carbonara the right way. Yeah.

It's called the carbonara effect. It's the carbonara effect. It's magic. It's magic how good it is. Okay. On Wednesday morning, an investigator at the medical examiner's office. I just keep remembering, Matteo, what you just said. With everything happening, this is what we have now involved a minimum of three departments.

Yes. And multiple people who work for the city who could probably be dealing with a lot of things are all trying to get to the bottom of a turkey tail dick. Keep in mind that the town wasn't like, well, we have had missing bodies or reports of people's right. This isn't a response. No, no. We'll take this mystery meat that's clearly a part of

a turkey, not a penis and go and investigate. I mean, it's really a Christopher Guest movie. This is like your taxpayer dollars at work. On Wednesday morning, an investigator at the medical examiner's office said they determined the meat was pork, not human. The piece of meat also has a bone in it.

Further evidence that would not... That's what it looked like. You bet it's got a bone in it. For the record, I could have told you guys all right away. If this woman would have been like, well, there's a bone in it, then it's not a penis. It's not a bone in it. For the record, I could have told you guys all right away. If this woman would have been like, well, there's a bone in it, then it's not a penis.

It's not a penis. Right? She's a boner and just assumed. That's right. She was like, it's exciting to be in the stew. She needs to get laid. Like, she needs to get laid. Yeah, I have a sentiment that she just needs to get laid.

Agreed. That's it. In response to the incident, Save-A-Lot said it had not been contacted by the customer or anyone representing her. It also said that it had not had issues with the product before. I also love, so somebody finally reached out to Save-A-Lot. They're like, hey, no one called up. They probably get a call to right away.

Yeah, we know that's, it's called pork. Right. Look at your receipt again, dummy. At Save-A-Lot, we have a long-held commitment to the highest standards and quality control. Could you imagine them being guys we got dicks in the back yeah and work in partnership with the name is save a lot not save a cock right we work in partnership with our vendors to ensure those standards are upheld issues of quality receive the utmost priority and we take the matter very seriously we can confirm that we have had no previous quality issues with this item

we have not been contacted quality issues with this item. We have not been contacted by the customer in question or the local authorities regarding the incident. We will take appropriate action at the time, which is also just a way to say like. We're not doing anything. Yeah. What do you want us to say to you? I'm not going to say, lady, you're a fucking idiot. Right. Stop.

Like this should be. And by the way, she should have a punishment for using all these resources and everything you've wasted enough people's time she'll be just fine i know but i think she should be punished by not being allowed to go back on facebook live till the end of the would that not kill this woman you would hurt her just her finger twitching near the but i have to broadcast me making this. Back and forth staring at Korn wondering if it's something else. It's like

Is this change person vagina? At many points she could have dropped it, right? Yes. She had no ready for this. Singfield declined to comment on the incident on Wednesday after testers results were available. So after they told her it's pork,

she said she now has an attorney who is handling the situation. Why? She's got an attorney. Because she's like, I haven't wasted. The attorney is going to somehow be like, no, this is a penis.

Like, well, right. I don't believe your pork. She's like, I need to waste more people's time. By the way, you can get an attorney to defend you.

Like if you're going to pay that attorney money money they'll take any case any case the woman that got burned by her coffee mcdonald's years ago right like ever since then people have kind of been like picking up like all the stuff you can sue now there's not much to sue left because no matter what you get they're like by the way may cause death whatever that's right so she's really just scraping the bottom of the barrel to try and get this going pick the most obscure meat that no one knows i mean it would be if she got beef and said i think there was a finger inside you'd be better off doing that than this turkey tail right full male penis like bitch you're not getting money go get it laid right now you're like save a lot should have said look here at save a lot we have a policy if you're trying to buy turkey tails you get whatever's in the bag you get what you get and you don't get upset buy grade a beef you didn't

buy a filet mignon or a portage you bought a bag of turkey tails and you should be glad it wasn't how about you're not at whole foods shut up and get what you bought a bag of turkey tails and you should be glad it wasn't. How about you're not at Whole Foods? Shut up and get what you need and eat it. This is turkey tails. To follow her around for a day just to see what her life is like. I'm sure you can on Facebook. Facebook Live. Facebook Live, Mattia.

You're right. I guess I could. You see a couple argue in public and you think, okay, if you're arguing in public, what are you at home? So I'm just curious what it was like by herself. It's like 545 in the afternoon and just like, what's she doing? Yeah. What is she doing at 545?

Yeah, that's a great question. She said the attorney is handling the situation. And on Tuesday, she said, regardless of what it was, the meat was mislabeled and wasn't a turkey tail. You're right this is her like well then it's still the wrong label and and i got lied to turkey tails aren't even fda approved quote she said it looks nothing like the other meat in the package okay well you could have seen that then before you got it right don't buy that package of meat according to another facebook live video she won't stop by the way real quick

meat is not a surprise it comes wrapped in saran wrap you can see get it right there's no if you buy a box or like you open it up you're like oh this isn't what i thought it was like you see what you're getting that's in a bag she said it's in a bag because i care about the three of you i watched some of her facebook lives of course you did we did. We will get out of here on this. According to the Facebook live video she was having with her friend, what is the minimum amount of money that Lamia's friend tells her that she can expect to get from Save-A-Lot? Okay.

Now, her friend tells her that she has an attorney for her. So this is the person that she hired, the man or woman. And what do you guys think is the least amount of money her friend tells her on Facebook Live? You can at least get X. Right. What do you think, Mateo? $150 million. I was going to go crazy high too.

I'm going to say $5 million. $5 million. I'm going to say $100,000 because that's how these dummies that's like the most that they can think of sure okay one of you is exactly right now we get to play the game

of who do you think is exactly right do you believe in yourself I think me and I think me this And I think me. Okay. All right. According, this is where we'll leave everybody.

Any last plugs before we go? Well, us on September 22nd. September 26th. Live Dumb People Town with Birbiglia and Mike Doty, the lead singer of Soul Coughing. So check that out. Eventbrite.com. Tickets are going. You can also go to DanielVanKirk.com.

Plus all the other stuff I have going on there but you can get your tickets for Dumb People Town straight through dvk.com Mateo anything left for you? are you doing any shows or anything coming up soon? nothing you can catch me playing Fortnite at 2am with Yamanika Saunders

that's only 11 in my house my son will play with you guys tell her we said hi. According to the Facebook Live video that I actually watched, the minimum amount of money that Lamia's friend tells her she can expect to get. She actually said,

I got a lawyer. He's going to get you blank. Pursuing Save-A-Lot is $100,000. Yeah, Randy. Yes! I know how these dummies think. You got it. Like that scene in Waiting for

Guffman where Corky is like, what I need from you is $100,000. Yes. That's it. That's it. That's how we do it. Mateo Lane, you're the best man and I love

hanging out with you for doing this I look forward to a time in this world where we get to hang out again same who knows when that will be but in the meantime

let's play some Fortnite let's play Fortnite I love it and for us oh shit we gotta get back to work yup A podcast network.