Dumb People Town - Matthew Broussard - Raccoon In The Trash Bin

Episode Date: January 7, 2025

Comedian Matthew Broussard (Hyperbolic) stops by as Randy describes a woman that got stuck between 2 boulders trying to get her phone, Jason explains how 2 drunk soldiers got caught having sex in an Apache helicopter, and Daniel warns against robbing people and asking them to pinky-promise not to report it, and so much more! Thanks to our sponsors: Shipskis and Hims! Right now, ShipSkis is offering our listeners 20% off your first shipment when you go to Shipskis.com and use the code DPT. Start your free online visit today at Hims.com/DPT. 

Dan and Ran and Jay will share tales of folks so unaware they lack in grace And sometimes shoes the life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail in Florida there's half price bail I'm happy to say they couldn't make this up So listen to our podcast band with co-hosts Arm and Dan. Members, don't be a jerk, because when the music goes, the money hits and we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound,

hunker down is Dumb People Town. Hey, townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population, you. Population, Broussard. Matt, don't call me Matthew unless it's an announcement. Broussard. So, Matthew Broussard.

What's up, Matt? Hey, buddy. Thanks for having me, guys. So happy to have you here, man. You know we've been just a fan of yours. Really became a super fan of yours when you did the first roast battle. That was so fun.

At the House of Blues where we weren't, we were doing interviews post for Comedy Central Radio, but like we were behind Snoopop and Sarah just feeding them jokes as people do as we go through there, but it was so fun and you crushed the shit out of it. It was a cool feeling for me because I finished it and then I walked downstairs and did your podcast meeting. I'm like, I know you guys, I'm fans of you guys.

You guys, let's analyze what you just did well. Right, we were like, game tape. Oh man, dude, you were post-game interview. I was like, this dude's an amazing joke writer. You have a new special, we'll talk about it. You know they built an entire show around that premise. What's that? Tag it. Where they just like on stage with you after your set,

break down yourself with you and pitch your tags. You know the show? I love that. Have you heard the show? I haven't heard the show. So we do it, yeah, we sit on stage the whole time we're writing tags for your jokes. And then afterwards we just pitch your tags. I've lost so many friends doing that to comedians.

Ah! They sit in the back room like, hey good set. Here's three things you could add. We try and do it in a way that I know. Like you did. They gave me one that ended up on my first album. But then there's always that thing too when like, because it's such an unlock for the joke. It's such an unlocking thing for the joke. That sometimes even when you don't know the person, but you're like, I, I can pick this lock for you a little bit. And so sometimes I'll be like, Hey, if, if you take like, I can pick this lock for you a little bit. And so sometimes I'll be like, hey, if you take tags for anything or whatever, like throughout the weekend, like let me know.

And then I hope they go, oh, did you have one? And if they go, oh, I will, then I'll leave it. But the best is like Steve Furrier, our friend, he got off stage and he was doing the zoo bit, as I'll say. And he goes, I go, dude, great set. And he's like, I'm trying to figure that zoo thing out. That to me is like heroin. Because I'm like, oh, you mean we can figure this out?

Yeah, so that's the tag. All right, you ready? Should I jump into a story? We'll get into your special second segment first, Randy. Okay, I got this. This was a story sent in by We Talk About Practice at Not A Game Three. You ready?

Send some great ones in. Woman stuck upside down between two boulders, which is my favorite Zach Galifianak and show. Between two boulders? Woman stuck upside down between two boulders, trying to retrieve her phone. She was freed after a long period of time. We'll get into how long it is.

Wait. Dropped her phone between two boulders, said I'm gonna go down and get it. Oh, I get the drop in the phone. The other day I was throwing shit away in a trash can outside of my house, my trash can. You threw in your phone. You threw your phone in.

It fell out of my hands and I had to go all the way down into the bottom of this junk that was in my trash can. Oh my God. You didn't have a dog. I have dog shit. Phone out, it's awful. Yeah, it's like primordial soup.

Yeah. Like there's, yeah. Life is. Why is it so wet down here? Biogenesis is occurring down there. How long did you hesitate? You were so mad. I was for one second.

How many F-bombs did you drop? Because I was like, if it's in water, I gotta get, I don't wanna leave this thing in rice for three weeks, so I grabbed it and yanked it. I don't think that's a thing anymore. But she dropped her phone. Is that racist? Between two boulders.

I, it is, the attachment we have to our phones is so disturbing. I watched someone else, I didn't know, drop the phone that landed face down and you hear that clack and I go, ooh. Yeah, like, like, like, you know when you watch NBA and someone like snaps an ankle, you go, ah! I do that with physical items that aren't part of their personage.

What was that NCAA where the guy who was Neal and all the other players fell down? Oh yeah. Do you remember that? I was watching it at your house, I think. other players fell down. Do you remember that? I was watching it at your house. Everyone else fell down and you're like, this is bad. There's a moment where someone, if they're a kid, if they're watching their kid being taken away in a van

and at the same time they didn't have their phone around, there'd be a moment where they'd be like, where's my phone? To that guy from the van taking it. Where is she? So London, a woman in Australia. It says London, a woman in Australia. I'm like, great, I love that the byline is London,

but we're talking about the US. Commonwealth, you know. We'll take it all. It used to be the same coin on their coin. London, our criminal island. London, London. A woman in Australia got herself into a tight predicament. Okay.

All right. I love that. I love that. Take it easy. When she dropped her phone and ended up getting stuck upside down. Upside down. She's between a rock and a hard place. Literally.

Or this is like the thing where you know the guy who you put the, if you're vertebrae are bad, you go upside down. Oh, inversion table. Oh. I want that. I want to try that once. I want that.

I imagine all my problems will go away this second. Right. Everything. 1989. But then you won't be a great comedian, because you all my problems will go away the second I do it. Right, everything. 1989. But then you won't be a great comedian, because you wouldn't have the things that are nagging about. You need the problems. You need the nagging.

Dropped her phone and ended up getting stuck upside down between two boulders for a certain amount of time trying to retrieve it. She was trying to retrieve it. I mean, I hope she had it and then got stuck, but if you're still trying to get it and you're stuck, you've wasted everything. They're gonna make actually a dramatic movie

about it called 157 Minutes. That's what I said. She sawed her own brain off. Roll over hours. The woman got herself into a spot of bother. I love that terminology. Spot of bother. Spot of bother.

According to a statement from New South Wales Ambulance, is that like a thing? That's their medical. Oh yeah, that's right. To a statement from the New South Wales Ambulance. Is that like a thing? That's their medical. Oh yeah, that's right. To a statement from the New South Wales Ambulance released on Monday when she was hiking in the Hunter Valley, north of Sydney. She's like, oh, this is gonna be a great pick.

Yeah. Phone is gone, lady. You have to crawl into a space to get something. Don't you think it animals down there? I can't think of a specific, but I know I've done it, I've worked on enough houses and things like that There is a point of no return where you know, like if I go farther, I'm gonna get stuck I'm not gonna be able to come out right you can go in you just cannot get out

He has also upside down you have no leverage other than the strength of your own arms if even To like push yourself up to leverage yourself up. Can you do a handstand push up? This spelunking story's all freaking out. I know, but like, if you go to an Apple store, or where, Verizon, whatever you, I don't know. And you get stuck down. And you get in between, no.

But you just say, give me my old phone number. My phone is lost, my phone was stolen, she would say. They'll give you your number and everything pops back up on the phone. If you're clouding it. She dropped her phone, which fell into a how big crevice. How many feet? Not big enough.

How many feet was, I guess how far down was the crevice? If she misjudged this and it's 30 feet, then she was like, I can get it. I just feel like seven. Seven, okay. It does feel good because it's in the realm where she's like, I think I can get it. I can get it.

I can get that. Seven's a good guess. Seven's too much though, because seven means she would have to get. No, she's done though. No, because your arm. Matthew, she's done. Plus arm length would be more than seven.

That means your feet would be up, but you have no leverage to get back out. She might be fine. Even four feet might be enough to get stuck. She's stuck. Get back up on that mic, my friend. But also, she may have it in one of her hands. And then she can't push herself out with one hand.

Oh yeah, what are you gonna do? So she might have gotten it. Put it in your mouth. She's just stuck. The problem here is stuck. Stuck. I like seven feet. Six feet.

Are you sticking with it? Six feet, what are you saying? She's an idiot. 11 feet. You ready for this? Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. 10 foot crevice. Oh!

Dang it. Between two boulders. That's a dum dum. Yes! She went in head first to try and recover it when she got stuck and couldn't move. A woman, yes, with no phone reception and unable to call for help.

But she's obviously not, oh, she is alone. Her friends called triple zero after the unex, so she had friends with her. Unsuccess, so her friends were like, please don't do this, you don't need this. You do not need this at all. Please don't do this. She still goes down there.

They called triple zero after unsuccessful attempts to free her. The patient was hanging by her feet upside down for how long by the time the emergency... Okay, so people are there. So there's the laughing period. Yes, there's like a bunch of times. And then they're like, oh my God, you're really stuck. No, so people are there, so there's the laughing period of time. There's like a bunch of times. And then they're like,

oh my god, you're really stuck. No, no, we're gonna help you. We're gonna help you. We're gonna help you. Oh my god, you're really stuck. And then there's the time of, oh, we can't get you out. Yeah.

And then you call, then you wait. So how long? Matthew, you are our guest. How long do you think she was waiting down? Two hours and 37 minutes. Pretty good, yeah. Jay, what do you think she was waiting down? Two hours and 37 minutes. That's a pretty good guess. Jay, Jay, what do you think? 90 minutes.

Daniel? Approximately. And do they use minutes in England? I don't know. In Australia they do. Australia. But the minutes go the other way. I'll go low then.

I'm gonna go approximately 45 minutes. You ready for this? One hour. That's it. That's a lot though. Think about upside down for an hour. That will fuck you up. Between two rocks you're gonna be.

You're gonna pass out. NSW ambulance, go ahead. What are we gonna say? We've all reached in between a car seat to try to get our phone out and not been able to get our hands back down. I dropped AirPods on a plane. Oh my God.

Down in between a thing. They were in a Samuel L. Jackson movie. Yeah, tired of all these mother fucking AirPods on these mother fucking planes. And I had to wait for everyone to get off the plane and for the flight attendant to take the seat off heart And get it literally take it apart. He's like you dumbass. Where were we flying like that? But you know, you know, I was really cool about one No, no, it was if you lose in a delta one seat, apparently it's gone like don't even try

No, this was like a delta ones. Is that a really good? It gone. Like don't even try. No, this was like. What's a Delta one seat? Is that a really good seat? This is a really good international one. No, this was, no, no. It wasn't one of those. No, no, no. This is something else. This was, I think we were flying to Toronto.

I think it was like working and I was so mad. So the patient was hanging my foot upside down for an hour at this point. Authority said NSW, not safe for work. Ambulance specialist, rescue paramedic. New South Wales. Thankic. New South Wales. Thank you. New South Wales.

God damn you. Why rain on my parade? Paramedic Peter, don't call me Reggie Watts, worked with a multidisciplinary team to remove several heavy boulders to create a safe. They had to change the structure of the park for this dumb lady. They didn't change the park for this woman.

Responders worked for several hours, several hours, she's still down there for several hours, till they were able to access the unnamed woman's feet, and then they just tickled them. How bad would that be? Called Rex Ryan. With both, hey, Rex Ryan's like, I'm here, I got it. Tarantino, with both feet now accessible,

they called Tarantino. No both feet now accessible, they called Tarantino. No, the team was faced the challenge of navigating the patient out through the S-bend over the course of how long did it take to then once they moved the boulders and once they got their stuff, to move her out. How long did it take to try and get her out? So, hour waiting, then they show up.

Couple hours to get the boulders away and then how long did it take them once they got the feat? Wow. 30 minutes. Hour. Hour, what do you think? No, two hours. Two hours, what do you think? Two years.

They're never gonna make that reservation. That 10-minute reservation. One hour, you should've stuck with it the first time. You said hours somewhere in this. Hours, day, one, two. So it took teamwork and a specialized turf for which to move a massive 500 kilogram boulder. Finally after seven hours of being stuck

while the emergency crews worked to free this woman from the boulder suffered only minor scratches and bruises during the entire ordeal. She was launched. She was lodged. She then tried to go back in and get her phone again. I'm just kidding. Got stuck again. I just don't want to get this photo.

When she finally got her phone, there were no notifications. Ah! No one in the taxi. Saddest part. I'm gonna shh. I've had it off the whole movie. I'm certainly gonna be blown up.

That was the saddest thing. So I look at, you can come in. I was on airplane mode. Can you see her feet? Can you see her feet? Can I? Just look, see the feet down there? Zoom on that.

That's awful. I cannot. That's really, that really really that really makes I can't zoom on it for some reason That is this is crazy That's her feet are way down. You can see the two no one's fitting down there. Say goodbye to your phone Just say goodbye to Hollywood. All right, what kind of dysmorphia that she has, you know, I could fit in that exactly Right must cats I don't know. I could fit in that. Exactly. Yeah, you look very must posed. We don't have anything with cats, right? Must posed. Cats, they would say never trim their whiskers. Yeah, because their whiskers are as wide as their body. So they always know that if their head can fit through,

they can fit through. Curb feelers, yeah, curb feelers. Kinky though, they like tight spaces. Yeah, they do get like posed. They get, if you leave a cat in a field, they don't like it. That's what we feel in tight spaces, they feel in big open places,

because a hawk could get them. In my 10 years as a rescue paramedic, I've never encountered a job quite like this. It was challenging, but incredibly rewarding, for whom, Peter Watts says, for every agency had a role. Oh, you kidding me? This was a whole.

Oh my God, this is like, I know, I love this shit. This is bar talk for years for these guys. Remember Boulder Lady? Yeah, oh my God. Oh, Boulder Lady. Seven hours. All the training finally getting used.

Yes. All the stuff finally getting used. Yes. All the stuff you've said. That machinery that they got approved. Every agency had a role, and we all worked incredibly well together to achieve a good outcome for the patient, if you are this person. Call us.

Okay, also, can her friends leave? I mean, it's seven hours. Can they just be like, we'll meet you back here when you're free. Yeah, because after a while, this is the new normal, and you're like, well, you're gonna be here. Like, what are we gonna do? So they're bad, we'll meet you back here when you're free. Yeah, because after a while, this is the new normal. And you're like, well, you're going to be here. They're like, what are we going to do? So they're mad at you.

We'll come back when you're ready. We love you. Or when did the poo got stuck? I just texted you the best picture from hanging out. I mean, how many hours before your friend can leave? I'm just curious. A long time to not be able to use the restroom. A long time.

She'll be honest with restroom. A long time. She'll be honest with you. She pissed herself. As a man. If it was the four of us and I got stuck and we were gonna do this part thing. You would allow us to leave. And then that night we were supposed to go do whatever.

There is a point where I'd be like, guys, just go. Just go. Because what are you gonna fucking sit here and watch me. I would be like, just go. That's what we say. Eventually I'll be out of here. And then also imagine that glory.

You guys do go out and I walk into the bar, finally walk in. Yeah! That's like the big, that's a big boom. It's like that last scene of Sopranos where everyone keeps walking. Yeah! This is what I call a non-glory hole, is what that is.

So there you go. That is story number one down in the books. Poor lady, poor gal. I guess, but also pretty bad herself. She did it to herself. So now, wherever she goes with someone, she's like, I'm gonna go in this bar. You're like, no you're not, you're gonna get stuck in there.

I'm gonna get in this relationship. No you're not, you're gonna get stuck in this relationship. You have no judgment. No one will trust you to make the plan ever again. Depending on the relationship, your phone will be taken away. That's right. It's true.

It's very true. All right, there you go, story number one down in the books. We'll come back, we'll find out how you can check out Matthew's new special, which is on YouTube, got reviewed very beautifully. All that and what we have going on right after this. We'll be right back. Hey guys, welcome back to the show. Before we get into Matthew's new special,

which everybody should check out. Randy, you had so many great photos on this story. Did I miss him? I just, there's just, look at this many great photos on this story. Did I miss him? I just, there's just, look at this idiot, Matthew. I mean, just... Oh. It's like a rock canyon.

Yeah, oh yeah, she's just, like, I can go through that. There's so many workers there, it's crazy. You should know that. That was the last thing. All right, as Dan's scrolling through that, we should tell you what we have coming up for the two of us. First of all, thank you to everyone who came in December. This will probably drop at the beginning of January.

Everything that came in December, who came to our two-man show, The Bourne Identity, which we may do sometime in New York, in which case we'd love for you to see it. It's a Birbiglia-esque Neil Brennan style two-man show. Two-man, one-man show. Two-man, one-man show, which was really fun. We're gonna do it at SketchFest on Saturday, February 1st.

Before that, the weekend before, we'll be at the La Jolla Comedy Store, and then they all start coming. We're going to Minneapolis, going to Denver, we're going to Detroit Comedy Works, in the South Club, Detroit, Mark Ridley's Comedy Castle, and Minneapolis ACME Comedy Club. All three in the month of March and beginning of April, and then we do Moon Tower.

That's like a hell of a run, and we some other like kind of one night stuff that we're doing We got a special show that we're gonna be doing we can I don't know we can announce. No, you can't I don't think we're not allowed but that's gonna be part of something very cool part of something very cool the beginning of March all sorts of good stuff are in the reboot. They're hosting the reboot of studs our night They're hosting the reboot of Studs. Our night court comes out in like March or February. All that good stuff is happening. SuperSkullHouse.com for everything. Matthew, let's talk about your special.

Yes. Where'd you do it? I did it at Littlefield in Brooklyn. Oh, nice. Great, great. I love that place. No one's done a special there from what we can figure out. Really? Beautiful room.

Light board. Stand-up in Kumail's movie was from that. Oh. Was filmed there, like his stand up scenes. Was the lightboard in that? I'm not sure. Yeah, the lightboard was the thing that was really neat about it. That made it special.

Yeah, it just looks different. This is your first special. First full length, yeah. Which is crazy to me, dude, because I first came to know you from being in Houston and when you would come back, and you are such a great comic who's like, I've seen like Crush for so long. You know like sometimes you find out

like your friend doesn't have an agent and you're like, what? And they're like, yeah, no, I just, and you're like, that's, like when I saw that it was your first special, I'm like, that can't be right. But it's great though, sometimes it takes you that long. Because you're so good, man.

Thank you. Like, and being good for so long. Thank you. Thank you. And being good for so long. Thank you. Yeah. I haven't seen it yet. Great joke, right? And I can't wait. I literally cannot wait to watch it.

Thank you. So the title of the special is hyperbolic. Hyperbolic. Love it. Hyperbolic. I think you cut it off with it. And it is the greatest special of all time. I think you cut it off with it.

It has never been a special. Never been a special. It's good. On the internet. Very non-Euclidean. Yeah, that's right. I'm going. I asked the same thing I asked a guy we all love, Dave Ross. When you are doing your special at this point in your career and you've been so great for so long and really you know your voice

and you've done multiple hours of great material and done so much turnover and you do your special, how far back do you go to say I want this on tape? I give myself no limits. There's a joke from my first year in there that I've done every year. I love that. I fucking love that.

You have to, it's not on wax yet. I write, and there's even stuff from my album that I never got video of. That's how I feel about my first album. I'm like, someday I wanna put that on film. I'm almost like, I'm no one. Like I always think people are like, oh you shouldn't repeat jokes, you should burn jokes.

I'm like, walk up to anyone on the street, go street go outside right now say hey, you know Jerry Seinfeld They go. Yeah, cool. Can you name a stand-up joke by Jerry Seinfeld? Can you recite one right now? Right most people couldn't we and that's fine. So at best they're gonna go tied something Why would most people heard this already a great point and you have so many jokes like joke jokes You're not talking about like a long ass bit. They're jokes. And so of course you can do that. How often do people come to shows and be like,

I brought my friend. I was hoping you were going to do the thing. Yeah, certainly thrown away. So I did my half hour for Comin' Central. I threw that away. But I like pulled pieces of like Tonight Show and some stuff I've done. And like a couple sets of thrown away where I'm like,

I nailed it. So I don't want to ever do that again. Because it is special. Yeah. Like it is special. like, ah, I nailed it, so I don't want to ever do that again. Because it is special. Yeah. Like it is, like, well I wanted all this stuff in here because I fucking love it and it's my special. And how you craft it is important. It's just how you put it.

Even in our two man show, we put some stuff that we've done before, but it fits with the story. For Biglia, I remember I heard him do the, I'm Italian, all of Garden Italian, Olive Garden Italian, two specials. I'm like, yeah, that's a good joke to repeat. That's a real good way to set up whatever you're about to talk. Right, and it played so well. So many people steal that joke now.

That's like a public domain joke. I mean, I know, so am I. I was like, okay. So, so good. All right, so get it on YouTube, people can watch it. Hyperbolic watch it, got a great review in the New York Times. Support this show, this is how good comedy continues to get made.

This is how this guy's next special gets on Hulu or gets on Netflix or Max or wherever. I've been saying this, every comic that you know that's blown up for a time or blew up and is still doing great, most people say, well my friend sent me this bit. That is how it works. So this is your part, we're talking to our fans,

this is your part of how you make, how you help people discover people like this. So again, Matthew Broussard, hyperbolic, check it out, and Jay's jumping the story too. All right, here we go. This was sent in by Carly McDermott. Ashby Carly. Two drunk soldiers caught having sex in Apache helicopter

by stunned army personnel. Yeah. That's a dare. That's better than a drone in New Jersey. Flying the helicopter. Is while you're flying? That's what I was hoping for. I know, it might be parked.

I was putting them in the air. You put them in the air. They'll get up there. Yeah. Are they up in the air? Yeah. I mean, he's be parked. I was putting them in the air. You put them in the air? They get up there. Yeah. Are they up in the air? Yes. I mean, he's shooting something down. Okay.

Stunned army personnel discovered two soldiers having sex in the cockpit. Well, it is a cockpit. That's right. Of an Apache attack helicopter. Someone was attacking someone. I know. I mean, how often do you get to have sex

in like a $17 million room? During routine maintenance. dollar room during routine maintenance This is during routine minutes literally. Okay. This is part of getting into the Smile club. Yeah the half. Yeah, okay ground crew had finished a nighttime servicing Someone got service. This is on purpose. I don't know it feels the last article did the same thing. Yeah It's like this is a journalist, I'm like just go do an open mic. Right, yeah, exactly.

Hold the band-aid, you know what you want to do. We know what you're trying to do. We feel this way all the time. We get it, we get it. Your friends told you you're funny. Right. You don't need to take that all the way to work. Nighttime servicing.

Okay, of the, this is in pounds, but can you want to guess how expensive this thing is? The Apache? AH for a gunship. 400,000 dollars. It's a gunship. 800,000 dollars. So low. Also it's a government contract. Yeah. 18 million dollars. That's a much better guess. Yeah. It's like, it's like healthcare. It's out of pocket. Healthcare costs. It's like that's true. Costs $10,000.

It's like one teeth cleaning. Yeah You're out of network My god, I'm freaking I'm blanking on his miles teller and Jonah Hill and they became like arms dealers. Oh, yeah Yeah, isn't there a scene when they undercut they had no idea how much yeah, they could have asked for more They could have way more cuz they were like they were the government you for 18 million dollars that's so much. Yeah, I'm gonna say 20 I'm gonna go 9 million pounds pounds. That's what is 18 million pounds get your answers in one of you is point five million dollars Away, and that's Daniel really eight point five million pounds pounds or whatever as maintenance personnel pounding on that book Chopper journalist which is armed with a 30

Millimeter get to the truck Canyon Cannon and hellfire missiles. Okay, someone released them released gunship alone is worth three million No that the rotor realized that the rotors on the helicopter were swaying up and down When the helicopters rockin, yeah, don't come a knock on knocking that the rotor realized that the rotors on the helicopter were swaying up and down. When the helicopters were rocking. Yeah, don't come a-knocking. Don't come a-knocking. And strange noises were coming from inside. When the rotors are slaying, he's swaying and he be slaying.

I'm sorry, what, male-female? Male-male, I think. Male-male? I think male-male. It's not the Navy. We'll find out. I assume. Tailhook.

He hooked his tail. The crew who had been on their way to fit rain covers over the war machine following its service This guest put a rain hat on his always covered up Get closer got closer and then realized their disbelief that two people were crammed into the rear cockpit Oh, so it is to guys so going through the back of the two-seater aircraft having sex Yeah, the mechanics were shocked to find the man and woman. Okay So it is two guys. So going through the back. Of the two seater aircraft having sex. The mechanics were shocked to find the man and woman. Oh, okay. Okay.

I was gonna say if it was two men, it's like, okay, so is the bottom the turret guy and the top the skier or am I being? Fire, fire, fire! This is why Hegsteth said no women in the military. Okay. Hezgeth. Oh, who cares?

Anyway. The mechanics were shocked to find the man in one. Black Hawk dumb. Yes. Uh. Shit. Boy. Volume six, saving Ryan's privates.

Okay, believing to have been drunk. Well, they're drunk, yeah. Half naked inside the aircraft. A report to the military aviation authority said, it became apparent that the rear cockpit was occupied by two people engaged in sexual intercourse Both were naked from the waist down so kept the uniforms Yeah, Winnie Poo in it Do we assume they are have been have been going out a while that they would do this kind of thing usually full naked sex

I I was assuming married to other people. Oh, yeah Trying to squeeze one in as they say. Yeah. The male in uniform, the female in civilian attire. Oh, okay. They were ordered to exit the cockpit and get dressed. Ordered. I mean, he was ordered to exit her cockpit.

Both parties were serving soldiers. At Sklarbrook. Both showed symptoms of intoxication. They're just acting out a scene from Stripes. I don't really know why we're upset. Yeah, what's going on? It's fine. Why are we really mad at you? Is it weird to me?

Maybe I'm just a nerd. Uh-huh. The only part of this that I'm sorta like legitimately like what the fuck is being drunk in a gunship. Right, you could've started a helicopter. That's the part to me where I'm like, you guys.

You could've fallen back and like sat on the stick shift and taken a drink. Maybe you don't million pounds. Climb into a gunship drunk. Yeah. This is what we got. Not that I know anything about it. The part to me where I'm like could have fallen back and like sat on the stick shift and taking a million gunship drunk I know anything about it in a tank. Is there a broom closet you could at least the tank can't fly So there was definitely a part of this was like this let's be around the gun That gets me off exactly and the risk of getting caught is what makes it sure

You know you rolled those dice and yeah. You lost. But also this is totally like a plot point in Maverick 2. Right. I mean we start out with Top Gun, Maverick does this in the bathroom. He buzzed her tower. He buzzed her tower. He buzzed her tower.

Okay. Duh duh duh dah dah dah dah dah. Chopper. The pair were caught in was part of the Army Corps' 653 squadron, but the two soldiers are thought to have been from a different unit, the Royal Artillery. For the three-sixth mafia? The safety report, which has recently come to light,

thanks to a computer glitch said, they were detained until the chain of command of 653 squadron and their parent unit arrived. So none of the world would have known about this. Except for a glitch. There was a glitch that released this report. So all reason why we're talking about this on damn people down is that there was a glitch. Oh yeah. I love it.

Whatever happens in the military doesn't necessarily stay in the military. Am I wrong for thinking that I don't really think they deserve much punishment? No. I think they should get a medal. Yeah. Purple. I say blue balls. Blue balls or purple heart. I think they should get a medal. Yeah, purple heart. Blue balls at least. Blue balls or purple heart. I say do ask, do tell. Blue balls would be right, because they didn't get to finish.

You just get a tiny set of blue balls that are running in front of you. The incident took place at the Otterburn Range in Northumberland in 2016, but it only become public, the Sun reports, because of what just happened. I love the glitch. A source told reporters that the air crew

had been ordered to secure helicopters in future to prevent a repeat incident. Good reading, Jay. Are you a graduate, anyway? I am. So what they're saying is that you need to secure these helicopters so people can't have sex in them ever again. In other words, lock the doors.

Lock the doors. Damn, they're gonna lock the doors to the gunship from the people that are enlisted with working on and around the gunship. Weep, weep it. One guy, one guy has the key. If it's not your helicopter. You should have a code to get in.

I mean, you know, you don't want raccoons in the trash bin. Thank you. There's blocks on there. You don't want. That's probably the name of this episode. Raccoons in the trash bin. Otterburn Range is the second largest, what he said, I'm gonna put my raccoon in your trash man.

Second largest live fire. Root around in there and see what's going on. Root around, get through the garbage. Here's what I think is the mistake here. When you have sex like this, which is a great thing to do. Public sex. That risks kind of taking sex. God bless.

As my fiance would say, don't be a hero. Right. He was taking his time. He was trying to be the minute man. Be the unnamed soldier. Yeah, be the minute man. Be the minute man. Be the minute man.

You gotta just, it's like, it's three pumps and be ready to go. And let that adrenaline, you're just like, you're doing it for completion. You don't need to worry about her satisfaction. You're doing it for the story afterwards. You're checking the box. You're doing it for God, you're doing it for country.

You're doing it for the geo map. You have a Google map of all the places you've had. We did it here, we did it here, we did it everywhere. Pens on a... That's right, on a map. And you know what, you put it that way, kind of romantic. Yeah. Cat man do it here.

Otterburn range is the second largest live firing range in the country of Sari, and has been used for military training since what year? How long has this place been around, and how many times you think this has been? for military training since what year? How long has this place been around and how many times you think it has been? 1958. 1961. Those are both decent guesses.

I'm gonna go 19, this is gonna sound so stupid but maybe I just wanna brag. Going into World War I, we were the 11th ranked military in the world. But the second year of the war, we were number two. Dan, I didn't know you. I didn't realize you watch Fox News. What's that year of the war, we were number two. So I feel like- I didn't realize you watch Fox News. What's that?

History Channel. I just listen to it. I know, I listen to it. He hears the words. So that makes me feel like it's the 40s. I'm gonna go 46. How about 1911? Whoa!

And it covers 90 square miles, but ain't nothing like this happened before. There you go. So there you go. Which is probably less than Disney. Here's my conspiracy theory. This was all purposeful leak to recruit. It's right. Hey man. You want to get. Oh these guys are really getting in trouble for all the sex they're having. Heterosexual intercourse. We can't stop it. Helicopters. So when we were kids the army had all these really fun catchy like songs

and they're commercial. What a great place. It's a great place to start they made a like I remember the 80s and made a really expensive commercial for the Air Force called Top Gun oh yeah that's right that's right that's like 90 minutes long yeah yep so there you go so that's what this do it Dan give us a little a little teaser of what we're gonna you have sex with hot teachers yeah the're in the airports, you'll fuck your beautiful blonde teacher. Can you handle it? Somebody tries to get away with the crime

in the most juvenile way possible. We'll get to that. You have sex with your teacher, even though she and you are both gay. And she and you will both, she'll look like more of a man than you will at age 65. And you'll take a motorcycle to her place and then you'll use her shower,

which is a normal thing to do. Hey, can I use your shower? And then to me I would be like, do you have any conditioner that's not scented? I want him to ask really. Do you remember, he also tells this random little child abuse story about his mom getting drunk up in the bedroom

and yelling at him to just play sitting by the dock, sitting on the dock of the bay over and over and over and I chose to rinse because fuck her that's why. And then Neewa was so disappointed and the whole time she's like you use the liquid soap right you didn't touch the bar to your gross ass. And you know it was zest. You know it was zest. You know zest fully clean. Alright we'll be right back with more Dumb People Town. Matthew Brassard's got the new special on Hyperbolic on YouTube, you're gonna check it out. We'll be right back.

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Stick around, make a sound. There's more to people's town. Hey gang, welcome back to the show before we get into this last story that Daniel's gonna do for us. Daniel, give us a little space. Dates are gonna be out soon for Wisconsin, Colorado, Pacific Northwest, Illinois.

There's other stuff coming up too. It'll be great, it'll be fun. Go to DanielVancurk.com. Speaking of specials, Illinois, there's other stuff coming up too. It'll be great, it'll be fun. Go to danielvancurk.com. Speaking of specials, Dan, people should watch Rose Gold. It's an amazing special. Thanks, yeah. On YouTube and Wine Club. Yeah, I love it.

My movie is great, it's a great little feature film. I love it. If they're cool with full frontal nudity, not mine. Not yours, but others. And then you can listen to my podcast, The Midnight Air, every single Monday night here, it's an overnight radio podcast that I do, and thankfully Aaron chimes in a lot on it. Well, it's just a general listening.

I love when Aaron chimes in here. To fall asleep on an airplane. It's a wonderful podcast. If you had an OnlyFans page, it should be called OnlyFanVanKirk. That's, I'm stealing that. OnlyFanKirk, OnlyFanVan... And if you have a unique job, email me, the Midnight Mailbag at Gmail. OnlyF Kirk. Only fan van. And if you have a unique job,

email me in the midnight mail bag at Gmail. Only fans. Only fans. Only fans Kirk. Only fan. Only van Kirk's. All right, that's great. Let's get into the story, shall we?

Ready? Yeah. Yes. So sent in by Tim at a taking windmills, 1L. Thank you. Okay. Robber, we really don't need the story. Just the headline. Robber in Warren asked victim to quote pinky promise not to report it. Sure. If you're gonna ask nicely. We're good, right? We're good. Yeah, now that I took your money. Yeah, we're good. Yeah, we're good.

You're good. I just took your wallet. Promise you won't say anything. He doesn't trust. He goes with the wrong one. If he extends he goes with the wrong one to them. The same that you can't. No, if you extend a pinky. Now do you guys do the thumb kiss when you pinky promise? No. What is that? That's something where you do that

and then you both kiss your own thumb. How is blood brothers different than pinky promise? Oh, blood. Blood would be a big factor in that. Right, but can you do that with any finger? What? Blood Brothers, is that with a pointer, generally? I thought it was palms.

Yeah, palms. The original way is like, pause it. Didn't the mob do that? There's something made man thing with it. Yeah, made man thing is the cutting of the, can you burn a card and the. Give me some blood on my shirt,

so I can see the shirt. Let me cut your palms out so I can get it. I'm cutting that on your card and Pinky promise can be thrown out anywhere be ashamed of this facility area. Yeah, what is it? What is the ranking? Man of like ceiling to secrecy. Yeah, this bit promise the spit is you're a kid clubhouse double dog there? What's the one? Like super heart and hope to die yeah stick a needle in your eye Which by the way no one has ever had to actually on your mother's grave Yeah, well, I said people get older they swear on their kids kids all I swear on my kids where my kids life So I've been known to say I swear on everything Rochelle my hometown. I'm like where my kids life. I never touched him Yeah, you have my word. Yeah Yeah, that's that's you know what I'll say back to you. Hmm. Who am I gonna fucking tell? When we both know there are people you could there but it is a good thing people like back at you

So you feel like I'm gonna tell but I just robbed you but we're gonna do this. Okay, we're good We're good war in Ohio. Love that. This is in a perfect course It's Ohio a reported robbery victim told police that he I'm sorry that the Robber made him pinky promise that he wouldn't call authorities after stealing money from him And then he broke that goddamn promise yeah that cops like yeah, this is actually a serial case. Yeah Right down we got sorry money. It would also be great if the cops promised Swindler It also be great if the cops are like you called us and you pretty promised I mean they're offended at his own, but no in the New York Post. It's the pinky promise pilfer

The victim said the robbery happened near the pit stop gas station I'm mad at myself because usually when these places are you know this guest no I usually go the next Effort and I looked them up on the Alpenbines. What's the review? Give me five bad reviews. The Pistop gas station, around 10 40 p.m. Sunday, according to a police. Sure. The 22 year old man said he was walking along

Youngstown Road, Southeast, when he was approached by a man wearing a ski mask across the street. Yeah, if someone comes out to the street. If it's not winter time. No, even in winter time, I'm like, get across on a ski slope. Don't do it. Yeah, if you're face to face with somebody on a ski slope,

you have a problem. I don't trust you. We should all be going the same direction. I can look to my side there, but if you're looking right at me, you're trying to see too much eye contact on the slopes. Baclava? Balacava? Balaclava.

Balaclava. Baclava? Balacava? Balaclava. I always say that. Balaclava. Baclava is a dish. Baclava is a treat. I knew it was a soup. It's a Greek dessert. It's a Greek treat. But you could cover your face with it. The Greek treat is what I called Yanis Antetokounmpo.

Okay. He's the Greek treat. The Greek treat. That would stick. Right? That's not a brother. Baclava. So with Baclava, if you rub it on your face.

That's right. It's not. It's not. He's finding his rhythm. He is, just in time for the end of the show. If you rub it on your face at a Greek spa, it's a Greek treatment. Okay, Randy.

Thank you, let's do it. That's how you live to 100. That's right. I've had several baklava treatments. It's all Greek to me. So he's walking around, 22 years old. Yeah. 10.40 at night on a Sunday,

guys walking towards him in a ski mask. This also took place a couple years ago at the end of March. You don't need ski masks in Ohio in March. It's not that cold, it's too warm. You might get a little snap. A beanie, ski mask, you don't have to cover your face. Across the street. Don't ever say to yourself, it's gonna seem rude if I cross the street with this guy walking towards me. I don't wanna make this guy feel bad. Seem rude.

Get away, this is what I tell my kids. I don't want to seem mas-kist. Yeah. Mas-kist-kist-kist. Masochistic. Masochistic. He said the man asked him, okay so the 22 year old guy walking, ski mask guy walks up to him. 22 year old asks ski mask guy, I'm sorry, ski mask guy asks 22 year old if he was a drug dealer. Oh. 22 year old says, I am not. He said the robber then pulled out a pocket knife and demanded money from him. Oh.

So then he's like, oh no, no, I am, I am, sorry. Did I say no? Did I say no? What are you looking for? Depending on how close we are, I'm gonna be honest. I don't know if pocketknife's gonna move the needle for me. It's gonna move me, but I'm not gonna go, how much do you need? I'm gonna go, put your fucking knife on.

Are you a drug dealer? Yes, I am. What are you looking for? Okay, I'm just gonna run around the corner and get it. Wait here. Wait here, I'll be right back. I'll bring you everything. Yeah, because unless someone's a cop, this is sort of like Ray from Ghostbusters, and they ask if you're a drug dealer just say yeah Yeah, and then move on you don't have to sell yep That's smart. Yeah. I got nothing on me. Yes. What do you need? I'll let me go call my like I'm a kind of drug leader and there's cops following us calm down right right

I sell right to a few service no shirt. No shoot. No no face. No exposure. No service. I would go scary I would say nuclear arms dealer. That's right I've leveled up. Yeah So he pulls out a pocket knife and demands money from him According to the report the victim said the robber made him hand over his cash before making him pinky promise that he wouldn't call the cops Pinky promise from guy in the mess. Yeah. All Alright, keep it all to me. Don't say anything. The robber then rode off on a bicycle.

Oh my god. I don't know when that came into this, but he had one. He's a mature guy. Moral of the story, don't carry cash. You don't need it. And you got robbed by a 14 year old. Thank you. Or an 11 year old. Why not? Sir, can you describe the bike? It was a huffy. Right.

It was a diamond diamond back Larry Larry Larry Police said the victim was not able to give them a good description of the robber as it was dark at the time of the Robbery and he had a mask on god damn it on the cops I'm gonna go you pinky promise, and I don't remember anything about the guy You know what say goodbye to your cash. Yeah, we're done. I'm looking forward to that trial when they say do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth? Ah! That's very triggering. That's how I am here. Not only do I swear, but.

I'm doing this to the stenographer. Officers check the area. Who's got two pinkies and is willing to swear that he's gonna tell the truth? This guy! Officers check the area near pit stop for a man riding a bicycle, but we're unable to find anyone.

If you're riding your bike near a pit stop, things aren't going well for you. Agreed. All right, we'll get out of here on this. Fun little third story. How much money was that Pinky Promise worth? Oh, this is good. How much money is he like, look, if I'm gonna take this amount of money from you, you gotta Pinky. 67 dollars. 67. Yeah. Because it is cash on hand. Annoying. So unless you're somebody who's about to buy a car on Craigslist, how many people people the average person I bet there's probably a study on what do most people carry? I was the average person probably 40 bucks on them that might be generous, but I'm that's not a bad guess No, I would I would maybe think that people in this story are of harder financial circumstances Right the fact they're walking around a pit stop at 1040 on a Sunday, and usually poor people have more cash.

Oh, so maybe he was a little more strapped. He's a little more, I'm gonna say $80, because he might have been buying. He could have been on the way to a strip club. Yeah, he would have a lot of ones. 60s and to women at strip clubs, it's been so long since I've ever been to a strip club, do they take Venmo now?

Yes. I think you can, Venmo a stripper. Or Zell. Are you on Cash App? Zell probably causes a conversation. Cash App feels like more like what they would be into. Can I just point my Apple Pay near your vagina? Yeah.

I'm trying to sync up. Swipe this card in. I feel like Portland's at the forefront of all strip clubs. They have a tramp stamp of the QR code. It's great, that's right. Just turn around, let me just put it in my VIM. Not a horrible idea. Not a bad idea at all.

20 years later, mommy what is it? Not a horrible idea. That is not a, That is 20 years later kids like mommy, what's this stamp for? Oh. It's your college. That's what it's for.

It's the Sin Udig. It's mommy's past. Ask me another question on our boat. Yeah, it's why we have a guest house. Geez, I would say $110. $110? Yeah, it's caring some cash. One of you is exactly right.

I think it's me. We now get to play the game. Who do you think is right? What'd you say? 80, 67, or 110? I say 67. I say 110. I say 80.

Stay where we are. The special is called Hyperb 110. I say 80. Stay where we are. The special is called Hyperbolic. The man is called Matthew Bussard. You can watch it on YouTube. Also watch Daniels Rose Gold, all right? That's nice. Make it a double feature. Double feature.

All right, ready? Yeah. The amount of money that was pinky sworn to not call a crossover. Away. Is $80. Oh, Matthew! Walks in and takes the crown.

Walks in and walks off. That's how we do it here, guys. We will see you next week. I hope you're having a good new year as this drops. And oh snap, we gotta get back to work. See ya. Stick around, make a sound. There's more to people town.

Hi, I'm comedian Eliza Schlesinger Make a sound, there's more to a f*****g town. And she'll be like, well then just have it anyway. And then you'd be like, it tastes like blood. Please don't. We moved. We moved and my husband died. I'm not here. I died too. You know, when people are like, happy holidays from the Thompsons. What they're really saying is look how great we look. We're all still alive. We're all wearing blue jeans. You're looking at us.

Listen to Ask Eliza Anything wherever you get your podcasts.