Dumb People Town - Maz Jobrani - Strip Club Flu Shot

Episode Date: December 3, 2019

Maz Jobrani visits town and hears about a man who tries to pick up the ring on the way to his wedding. In story 2, a strip finds a way to bring in new business. In story 3, a man has a plan to manage storms. 

Skypain's out of here. Couldn't make this up. So listen to our podcast jam with co-host Armand Dan. Man, don't be a jerk. Cause when the music gets the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, talk your downies. Dumb People Town. Hey, townies. Welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you.

Population Gibroni. Maz Jabroni. Hello, sir. How are you? Welcome to town, man. We're in the lounge today. I know we are. It's feeling loungy. I love this setup. Yeah, this is great. We normally aren't in here, but I love the feel of this place. So if you are listening to this and we sound relaxed, it's because we are relaxed. We look like we're in our own after show yeah yes guys this is the walking dumb uh get it the talking dumb it's the talking dumb either way i like so we believe that the world's getting dumber and what i've always loved about your comedy and is it as dumb no that you break you annihilate you annihilate the dumb in your comedy and also you've played first of all you're a fantastic actor and you annihilate the dumb. You annihilate the dumb in your comedy.

And also you've played, first of all, you're a fantastic actor, and you've played many dumb characters, which you do with such aplomb. It is in its own right, it viscerates the dumb. You know what I mean? Just by making them so ridiculous, you are basically showing how dumb it is. I don't know. Do you believe just out on your travels in the world as a stand up and what not that we are getting dumber absolutely

as a matter of fact I was just telling Jason that I've got my own podcast and on that podcast we bring in experts from that are you know

professors authors and we have them teach us while we try to make that learning fun and we just recorded an episode with a guy

who wrote a book that's called The Death of Expertise. Right up the alley. This is right in the wheelhouse. Well, we got great stories. We'll talk about your podcast in a little bit. The rise of generalness. Exactly. But in the meantime,

we want to get into some stories. We have them sent to us by our awesome fans and let's jump into one right now. We do. Ready? Sent in by Steven Scheiffer at Scheiffer4. Holy Schieffer. Schieffer sounds like a guy who put one over on you. And? You got a bit of a Schieffer. And?

The guy on the basketball team you can't trust. Schieffer! Okay. Whatever. Fine. Or I gotta go to the bathroom. I gotta take a Schieffer. I gotta take a Schieffer. Which started in college because of what Schieffer did in there. You better take some matches, dude. Shifer is like shitting and farting.

It really is. Wow. It's all of it. S-E-H-I-E-F-E-R. Shifer. Shifer. Shifer. A Texas man's walk down the aisle took a wrong turn when he decided to rob a bank the day

before his wedding so he could pay for his fiance's ring. Look, weddings are expensive. Life is expensive. But come on. This is procrastinating at its finest. Dan, I think this is still better than when all the people decided to do a silly dance down the aisle.

You'd rather this than rob a bank. Wait a minute. What if he would have danced his way through the robbery, through the bank? Because tonight's going to be a good night. Give me all your money. And tonight's going to be. I have a gun. Because tonight's.

Jeez, that's kind of a bold move. So this is one of those moments where she's out with her family doing her best to try and quell their fears about this guy. And she's like, he's fine. Okay, you guys saw him grab my arm violently once. Once. He was very drunk, which he never gets. He said, get back here.

And that's only because he knew I would walk away. Well, this is like a... But you hadn't walked away. I know, but he still was like, get back here. He anticipates my every move. You don't know him. And also, you think you've been to some wild bachelor parties. Guys.

What are we doing? Guys, I got it all placed out. We're going to Vegas. Guys, literally keep the car running. We're going to First National Bank and Trust. We're running. Keep the car running. Are we all going in?

No. Okay. But the day before. Okay, so now. The day before the wedding. This is the best reason to have a luncheon. I hate all these extra wedding things that happen, but a luncheon...

At least you know where everyone's at. Are you coming to the luncheon? I can't, hon. Everyone else will be there. I have to run an errand. I think the rule is we're not supposed to see each other the day before the wedding. How much is he going to blame her

for needing an expensive ring? Something strikes me as this guy is going to blame her. This, by the way, is a great commercial for one of these Zales. He went to Jared. With a cheaper. Should have gone to Jared. Should have gone to Jared. Yep.

But so what is it for a wedding? It's something old, something new, something stolen, something blue. Didn't we do a story recently where a guy stole a bike on the way to his wedding reception? Yes. From the ceremony to the reception. From the ceremony to the reception. He got busted. Stole a bike and got...

Which to me, I was like, so he has no friends. Right. Because what people aren't instantly surrounded by friends and family from the moment they walk out of that church until the end of the day. When you walk out of wherever you go, people are like, all right, we're heading over the thing. You got a ride? I mean, to the groom.

Like, isn't that good luck to drive the groom? And what's the rule again on how much you're supposed to spend on the ring? It's like a month's salary? I thought it was two weeks. Two months' salary. So whatever that is, this guy, if he's been a successful bank robber, he's like,

what do you need? He's like, all right, hold on. What was I making before I got fired? When I robbed that Popeye's, what did I make? You amortize it over months, and this is where it is. How great would it be if she opens up the ring box and a little color thing explodes on it? A little blue pack? Just to give a little.

I just got you cash, because that's what I got on the way here. I hope the teller was like, how much do you need? And he just handed her like a sales catalog. Yeah, just the receipt. It's a princess cut. Right. Oh my God. Okay.

Took a wrong turn when he decided to rob a bank. Wrong turn also is like, that means it wasn't an accident? No. I thought he just was going to walk the wrong way. I really thought he ended up in the wrong wedding. He took the wrong way. And married someone else. Married someone else.

That would have been amazing. And now he's happier. That's the defense. The lawyer's like, your honor, my client was having a day that was all about him. You can't blame him for walking into a bank and thinking he should get whatever he wants. We said he could have any hotel anyone. This is your day. Lee, I don't care what culture you come from.

You were born where? Iran. In Iran. In Iran, as I'm sure in America, as a little boy, you start thinking about your wedding from the second you're born. This is very true. You start planning for that day. You're like, I get to be the prince that I've always wanted to be. And so that's just all he was thinking.

There are so many things about weddings, though, that still to this day, if a priest says, if anyone here has a reason why these two should be married, I think opening it up like that is terrible. If anyone here has a reason why these two people should not be married,

speak now. Then this I have a problem with. Speak now or forever hold your peace. Why is now the only chance? So true. What about like because we all – Three years down the road. Listen, as comedians, we all have like, oh, I should have said that.

I should have done that. Next set, I'm going to do that. So you come out of the audition. I was like, ah, I did it again. That guy at the wedding at the reception is like, oh, I should have. Guys, gather around. There was something I wanted to say earlier. I should have mentioned that he was cheating with the...

You guys, what if weddings started having comment card boxes? And before the wedding, you could write anything you wanted in there. No one will know and leave it in. And then as part of the ceremony, they check the box. That's a fun wedding. If anyone has put anything in there that they would like to say. Before we give the rings out, let's check the box. Let's see if anyone had a problem with this union.

Check the box. There was a comment from a policeman who just arrested the groom. No, he cannot do this. Apparently, he just robbed a... So what did he do? I'll read the full sentence. He decided to rob a bank before the wedding so he could pay for his fiancée's ring, and she saw surveillance images of him posted by police, according to a report.

Why is she checking a police plotter? Where is Greg? and she saw surveillance images of him posted by police, according to a report. Why is she checking a police plotter? Where is Greg? You know what she's checking. If you're seeing stuff from the police, it's Facebook. That's on Facebook. Cops love them some Facebook. Instead of exchanging vows, Heath Bumpus. Come on.

Stop. Heath Edward Bumpus. Oh, God. I mean, you know. Is it Bumpus or Bumpass? I'll tell you this Just taste off that Bumpass

He was taking her name You know he was taking her name She has to take the Bumpus name I've always wanted to be Heath Collins And by the way Listen We can either go Bumpus or Kennedy We'll go Kennedy

By the way If she hyphenates that thing She deserves to go to jail Bumpus For sure Kennedy Bumpus Yes Bumpus that thing

Barbara Kennedy Bumpus Aren't Bumpuses those things That women put in their hair To make their hair look Those Kennedy Bumpus. Isn't Bumpus that thing? Barbara Kennedy Bumpus. Aren't Bumpuses those things that women put in their hair to make their hair look good? Those are Bumpits. Okay, so Bumpits. Kennedy Bumpus sounds like the real name of a very famous 90s rapper. You know what his real name was? Yeah. Kennedy Bumpus.

Or like Juvenile's real name is Kennedy Bumpus. And he's coaching high school football now. Yeah, or he's like a 6'6 combo guard out of North Carolina. Starry Edgar! Kennedy Bumpus! Bumpus, baby! When I was in high school, Coach Bumpus

used to always give the best advice. He wrote us, though. He looked me in the eye. A lot of it was about when to rob a bank and when not. When not. He's from Crockett and was charged with aggravated robbery and allegedly informing a teller at Citizen State Bank in Groveton that he had a gun and demanding that she fork over cash. That is not in quotes, but I feel like that is probably what he said.

Fork it over. Very eloquent. Fork it over. Fork it over. Good usage of work. Fork it over. Very eloquent. Fork it over.

Fork it over. Good usage of work. If my son were writing an essay and he put in fork it over the cash, son, private school education is paying off. You're catching on. You're doing it, my man. He basically stated that he was getting married tomorrow, so he didn't have enough money for a wedding ring, and he wanted to buy. If I'm the teller, I'm like, stop.

Stop. I don't care about all this. Dan, I guarantee you, you're saying it like it's a run-on sentence i guarantee you that's how he said it right yeah he like was losing work over i'm sorry look i'm getting basically getting married tomorrow this you are or you aren't this sounds like a great movie because the guy is in there it's kind of like it's uh um what was the one uh with al pacino Dog Day Afternoon. It's the Dog Day Afternoon. Exactly. It becomes a big thing, and he's like,

you guys don't get it. I'm just trying to get a ring. Basically, I'm getting married tomorrow. Basically, or are you? So he didn't have enough money for a wedding ring that he wanted to buy, and he needed to pay for the wedding venue. Oh, now we're mulling.

Oh, it's venue and the ring. He's like, I can't get the deposit back. I mean, he already had to pay for something. Somebody told me that planning a wedding is just a series of deposits you will never get back. Look at the pressure women put on men. Or vice versa. I want to give Bumpus some advice. This is what we did.

My wife and I, we did a destination wedding. There you go. Which immediately takes every cheap friend of yours out of the picture. Out. Gone. Out. Which may get rid of one or two people that you love. And you guys did it. That's fine. You did it in Iran,

right? We did it in Iran. Which I think is a fantastic destination. We did it in Mogadishu. We did a Tehran wedding. If you go to Mogadishu, you send them a clip of Black Hawk Down. You go, we're doing it there. We're doing it here there If you want in We can shuttle you back and forth

Somebody's like what do you pack Just watch the first 10 minutes They pack very light You pack a parachute And an AK-47 That's it He needed to pay for the wing And the wedding venue.

After the Friday morning heist, Bumpus threw his clothing out of his car. Now, look. I know he doesn't want to be identified, but what are you just like, here's my DNA. Yeah. Here's everything you'll need to know. Here's another pro tip. Don't throw it out. Give it to Goodwill.

You can use it. Give it to Ray Lewis. Don't know what to do with it. There you go. And someone else will buy it and wear it, and then it to Goodwill. Give it to Ray Lewis. There you go. Someone else will buy it and wear it and then they'll get arrested. Bumpus threw his clothing out of his car as he sped away. Is he naked driving? I don't know.

Maybe he's in a tuxedo. That would be great. He's ready to go. He takes his clothes off and the tuxedo's underneath. It would be great if he threw it out and then he got arrested for littering? Yeah. And that was the first step.

I can tell you this, too, about Bumpus. I guarantee he said to his fiance, that's fine. I just don't like dress shoes. At some point, that was his hanging point. You know he was like, I want to wear my own boots. I want to wear my own. I need shoes to run in in case the cops show up. What?

What does that mean? I can't run in these squeakers. He threw his clothes out of his car and then sped away, according to Sheriff Woody Wallace. Come on. I swear. Woody Wallace is a Toy Story 5 character. Sheriff Woody. Literally, this is Sheriff Woody.

Was he a woodpecker? No. Woody Wallace, who posted pictures of the suspect on the department's Facebook page in hopes of getting tips from the public. Instead, got it from his fiance. For better or worse, his fiance saw the post and immediately recognized her future hubby. Which means this is all happening in the span of one day. One day. Why is she, the day before her wedding, just trolling around Facebook?

I don't know. Why is anyone trolling around Facebook ever? If this were a movie, I would say, come on, suspension of disbelief? Really? Is she getting ready for her wedding? Thank you. She has more to worry about than trolling a police Facebook site. And this is why the addiction to Facebook and social media.

Thank you. What's the name of this romantic comedy from 1998 that stars Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks? Status Update Robbery. Yeah. Right? Is that a status? that stars from 1998, that stars Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks. Status update robbery. Yeah. Right? Is that a status? Bump plus one. You've been poked.

Bump plus one. You stole my heart. You've been poked. Fork over your love. Fork over Florida. Yeah. According to a video posted to the Facebook page, Woody Wallace said his fiancee, who he was supposed to marry tomorrow, was able to get in touch with him.

I think this takes place in Texas. Ringless in Texas. Yeah, it is. And when she saw our Facebook post, she knew it was him. She contacted him and asked him if he robbed a bank. Honey, what are you doing right now? I'm at the luncheon. Where are you?

You know, as much as I've done and as much trouble as I've gotten in with my wife, I can guarantee you she's never called me to ask me if I robbed a bank. He lies and says he's at the luncheon. I'm at the luncheon. That's why I'm so worried. Where are you right now? I'm robbing a 7-Eleven.

Why are you asking? Honey, this is very... You told me today you weren't going to... It's also a heat thing where he could have been like, this is my last one. This is my last one, and then tomorrow... I'm getting too old for this shit. You know, also...

There is a movie in here. Or he cuts straight to the chase. She's like, honey, where are you right now? This is a very expensive wedding. You know that venue? That you wanted so bad? I was happy to do it in my backyard. I told you we could have served a McDonald's

like Trump did at the White House. You wanted steak. I said you could have been like the Clemson football team, national champion. Eat and eat cold food. She knew it was him she called him uh she asked him if he robbed a bank she convinced him that she knew it was him which means they had a conversation i don't think it's me she's like no i'm looking at surveillance footage of you so in that moment i watched you get dressed this morning and you're in the shirt I saw. This is taking the Eddie Murphy bit, the whole wasn't me, wasn't me.

It's taking it to a whole other level. A whole other level. Yeah, baby. Yeah, I fucked it, but I make love to you. Right. Shaggy. I robbed a bank. For love.

But I steal your love. But I steal your love. His picture was all on Facebook, said Sheriff Woody. He needed to turn himself in. Bumpus turned himself in at the Houston County Courthouse. There you go. Yes. This is courtesy of the New York Post, by the way, so they must have picked that up.

Yeah, it is. That's why I was confused on where it was. Legit. You know they have, like, a bad pun. Oh, of course. Right. There goes the broom. Or the broom.

Bumpus turned himself in to the Houston County Courthouse, and most of the stolen money has been recovered. Who knows? Most of it? Wow. Most. Where did the rest of it go? I don't know.

Along with clothes and the gun, the sheriff said, adding that the former EMS worker has confessed to the crime. I'm going to give you guys a picture. He's an EMS worker? Like the medical guy? Yes. He runs an ambulance. He's an ems worker like the medical guy yes he runs an ambulance driver oh no here's a picture of bumpus and he i think he walked he's either walking into the sheriff's department and this is a picture or he's walking out of the bank either way it looks

like he's crying and having a very rough day oh he looks like donkey lips from Salute Your Shorts, especially on the Facebook page. Yeah, join our Facebook page. Look at him. Whether he's in the police station or he's in the bank, he looks full of regret. That's not a bank. A bank doesn't have a bulletin board like that. That is the police station. Yeah, that looks like it.

Yeah, he's walking out. The New York Post is bump-ass, dumb-ass. Does this mean EMS guys don't get paid that well? I think they don't. I don't know. I don't know. Or the weddings are expensive. Or what about taking the wallet off of one of your guys when you go to save them?

You're going to cross that bridge. Take some cash. Don't be picky. If you start, look, this is a bit, and as we know, trying to knock off a bank the day before your wedding, for the ring and for this. You did not plan this out. Did not plan. You have no foresight.

You could have been stealing from people you went to try and revive for months. Months. Every time you're going to do it. Hey, go get the stuff from the ambulance. I'll start the CPR while they're gone. He doesn't need CPR. He just broke his leg. Let me do it.

Let me just do the CPR. Let me do it. You should check do the CPR. Let me do it. You should check his wallet. Can I check your wallet for your insurance card? He's now in custody. He has been charged with aggravated robbery. The district attorney has accepted the charges. It will go to grand jury.

He will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law, Sheriff Woody Wallace says. We'll get out of here on this. It was unclear if and when the couple will still tie the knot. So do you think they get married does she stay with this guy this is like sully mccullough's old bit about how it's impossible to get fired from mcdonald's oh yeah he's like i saw a guy stab another guy at mcdonald's and not get fired like it's like man like the guy stabbed his own manager and the manager's bleeding and he's like, man, you cut me real bad. But I need you on that front line.

I need you on the front line. I'm going to have to write you up. That's where this woman is like, look, it's hard to find a man who's willing to be there for me. And by the way, listen, he was doing it for her. Yeah. He wasn't just robbing to go buy drugs. He was robbing

to give them a better... John Q at Denzel. He wasn't just robbing to go buy drugs. He was robbing for the ring. Give them a better... The movie John Q with Denzel. Very romantic. He takes over that hospital to save his kid's life. To give them a better life. Yeah. That's story one, y'all.

Story one, down in the books. Maz Jabrani's with us. We're going to take a little break, and then we're going to talk about his podcast and other great stuff on the other side of this. Stay with us. Stick around. Make us down for more Dumb People Town.

stay with us stick around make us down for more Dumb People Town hey guys welcome back to Dumb People Town we want to remind people

that Patreon tickets advance tickets for which show Rand Seattle I believe Seattle are going on sale

today today they are they going on sale they went on sale they went on sale go get them y'all they're on sale today. Today they go on sale. They went on sale. They went on sale. Go get them, y'all. They're on sale now.

Advanced tickets for our Patreon members. If you need to be reminded, just so you know, Milwaukee, Madison, St. Louis, Seattle, Portland, and Vancouver. Dumb People Town is coming. And we want to sell it out so we can keep coming back. It'll be a new show every single time. But the most important thing is if you are a Patreon member, you can get advanced tickets now. You get them before everyone else. That's another reason to join our patreon and I think that's for now we have a live dumb people town on the second at Largo and

that lineup is it's amazing weirdo Yankovic I should Tyler had to drop so we're gonna get somebody else or in talks to get someone else we'll get someone and Dave longstreet the lead singer from dirty projector is going to be doing music so i cannot wait for that jump on that pick up dan if you haven't picked up dan's new comedy album do that which was number one in comedy albums i'm very proud of you yeah yeah thanks diane at one point we made it up to like the top 50 in albums of all of all albums that's amazing yeah so i wanted to take a second to just say thank you to all the people who have listened to this show from the jump. Some of you guys go all the way back to the old Sklarbro days.

And you've been with us on this. Yes. And we all know it in this room. You don't get to do anything without an audience. We can't perform to an empty room. And to have everybody who listens to this show and then goes so far as to get into my stand-up and come out to shows and join me on the tour. I did 47 cities. Amazing.

I got to meet so many of you at all of those, and then you went one step beyond that, and you picked up the album. Or you're thinking about it, or you're going to as soon as you have money. Just wherever your heart's in, if it's towards supporting me in what I'm trying to do, I just wanted to, in a heartfelt way,

say very, very much thank you. It means a lot to me. It's awesome. And we were in Austin this weekend, and a lot of people were super psych much thank you. It means a lot to me. It's awesome. And we were in Austin this weekend, and a lot of people were like super psyched for you. And you, sir, another fantastic stand-up who has a great podcast yourself. You kind of teased us a little bit about it. Give us the name of it so people can get it. Thanks, guys.

It's called Back to School with Maz Jobrani. We need it. We need it. This is a companion piece to ours. I'm telling you. It is. Listen to ours, The World's Getting Dumber. How do we fix it? Go back to school with Maz Jobrani. That's it. We need it. This is a companion piece to ours. I'm telling you. It is. Listen to ours, The World's Getting Dumber. How do we fix it?

Go back to school with Mazda Bro. That's it. You know, the way I say the inspiration came about, and you guys have kids, you know, so my son and daughter would ask me questions that I didn't know the answers to, so I had to go to Google. Right. And finally, I said, you know what? I'll just bring in the experts.

It's a great idea. Professors, authors, other people. And you're learning stuff. Learn stuff, and we'll make it fun. We're going to make fun. Learning is going to be fun. I love it. Well, but the beauty of it is, and again, as we're all stand-ups in this room, stand-up

is all about curiosity. Yes. Why is it? Literally, stand-up starts, a premise starts with, why does this happen? Absolutely. Why is this the way that it is? Why do we all accept this? Or why is this this?

Or why did this happen to me, which I'm sure happens to you? Let's break it down. And the beauty of it is, listen, I went to college. I love college, but we all know college is expensive. Yes. So you can listen to your podcast and listen to my podcast. And don't go to college. Wait, no.

Don't go to college. If there's one thing I tell my kids. Don't go to college. By the way, you know that is the way to get your kids to do anything. Like if I say to my daughter and she's giving me like the sour puss face,

I'm like, don't smile at me. Don't you dare. I do not want to see your teeth. Don't you curl that. I do not want to get them. No. Don't go to college.

Don't you dare go to college. You know, it's funny you say that. I just saw Chris D'Elia do this bit that I loved as a parent because he said that he goes, I don't do drugs because I look like I do drugs. He goes, I look like I'm a drug parent because he said that he goes, I don't do drugs because I look like I do drugs.

He goes, I look like I'm a drug dealer. Yes. But he goes, my parents, when I was at that age, they told me, do whatever you want. And he goes, that made me go, wait, I can't rebel against that. Yeah, that's right. There's nothing to rebel. Okay, so the basketball equivalent of that is when a guy's posting up a guy, he's pushing back and banging as hard as he can.

That guy's pushing back against him and it gives him something to use to push back. Sometimes guys just move out of the way and then they fall back on their ass. Oh, I love that. pushing back and banging as hard as he can. That guy's pushing back against him and it gives him something to use to push back. Sometimes guys just move out of the way and then they fall back on their ass and they're like, there is pulling the chair, pulling the chair out. So Dalia's parents pulled the chair out on him. And look at that. He's straight edge.

Now he's just a sex addict. It is. It's all who you talk about. Dalia. Yeah. Oh, it's all, it's all.

He looked at you when he said that. It's all He looked at you When he said that Yeah exactly It's all an education And I do love Any podcast Like this one That it does search To try and figure things out And be smarter

So everybody check out And also your stand up Do you have any dates Coming up soon Or where can people go I am constantly touring People can go to Mazjobrani.com

That's M-A-Z-J-O-B-R-A-N-I Dot com I'm on Twitter And get your tickets Like if he's in your town You gotta get tickets to get tickets because he's doing big theaters and stuff. You've got to go see Get Your Tickets. Phenomenal. Great night.

One of our favorites. Seriously. It's been a joy to watch you grow and watch people come out and see you. Right back at you guys, man. All of us at the comedy store just putting our time. But what a great place. I say this also, by the way. I always tell my kids because, again, I had immigrant parents, and they kind of were trying to direct me towards becoming a lawyer or a doctor, engineer.

And I say to my son and my daughter, I go, guys, no matter what happens, I'm so lucky to be able to do what I do. And then to come to a place like the Comedy Store, get a chance to watch you guys, watch other comedians, and just hang out with us. It's so fun to do. It's a beautiful thing. So I've been trying as much as I can. I tell people, if you have kids, let your kids do whatever they want. True. Just don't go to college.

Do not go to college, whatever you do. You are so right about that. And it ends up being like a point of argument sometimes with my wife when I'm telling her that I'm working working because it is fun to go to the comedy club. It is fun to watch another comic do stuff. It's fun to do a weekend on the road with our friend Amy Miller. Amy Miller came out with us. She's such a funny comic.

She supported us this past weekend in Austin. It's fun. It's hard work. It's a lot of hard work. You're living on the razor's edge. You gotta be focused. You gotta be focused, but it's also fun. Yeah, it is. I mean, we've made friends. Should we jump into another story?

You ready? Let's do it. Let's do it. Sent in by Squeaky at Squeaky Hooper, just like it sounds. There we go. Thanks, dude. I enjoyed this story. Here we go.

Amid the shiny stripper poles, strobe-lit stages, and scantily clad performers at Rachel's Gentleman's Club, you'll find... Is this like a Ruth's Chris? strolls strobe lit stages and scantily clad performers at rachel's gentlemen's club you'll find is this like a ruth's chris i think it should be rachel gentlemen's i want it to be rachel's gentlemen no rachel's rachel's gentlemen club yeah that's what it needs to be it's the ruth's chris the Ruth's Chris of strippers club. Well, amid all the normal strip club stuff, you'll find Barbara and Sylvia, two old beauties who come for the free food and flu shots and stay for the ambiance. Because the headline is, strip club gives seniors a shot in the arm. Okay.

Strip club is offering free food buffet and flu shots to seniors in the area. Strip Clubs have been giving people syphilis for decades. Now they're going to give you a free flu shot. Now they're giving back. This flu shot anywhere is really, I mean, I got skeptical of the flu shot lady on Chicago O'Hare, the American Airlines terminal. I was like, are you- Is this supposed to be work for like are you sanctioned?

Do you work here? Strip Club Flu Shot that's the only place where they share needles for flu shots Strip Club Flu Shot sounds to me like the best album of an indie rock band that is a great Panic in the Drive-In did Strip Club Flu Shot it's Panic at the Disco

I tend to stumble into my flu shot every year like I'll be at the doctor and she'll say you want your flu shot i go yeah why not or wherever i'm at the cvs and they go we're giving i'll do it so i mean what so do i go to my wife do i go to my wife and go guess what i got i got my flu i was at the strip club honey i stumbled into it again i was the good news is i was responsible responsible the bad news is I have a girlfriend named Crystal. You know Rachel's. Rachel's Gentleman Club.

Yeah, I was there enjoying some very high-end dancing and performing. With Barbara and Sylvia. I was hungry. Barbara and Sylvia were there. You know. They come for the free food and flu shots, and they stay for the ambiance. Quote, I love it. I want to know where the girls get those sexy stockings that stop up there.

I need some of those, said Sylvia. That's a classic old person sentence because it's kind of truthful, but it forces all of us to have to figure out the rest of what it means. I love where they get those stockings that stop up there. I want everyone in here to try and figure out what stop up there means. It's the ones that are mid-thigh that then get out of that. Is it? Okay. It's got to be.

Wait, but here's – They don't usually stop. Yeah, most stockings stop somewhere. Somewhere. Unless they go up over the waist, but I don't think – But that's probably what Sylvia's used to. She's used to high-end pantyhose. But she said pantyhose spank combo.

But she said stop up there. And the up there leads me to believe that it stops higher than where it normally stops. Well, no, think of old women. They usually stop at the knee. I guess. So it is up higher. You think it has to be thigh. It has to be.

But you're right. When I hear up there, it usually is't sexual innuendo of up there. Okay, so here's my question. Up there where the ladies sit. I like that you're skipping over the fact that Sylvia said, I need some of those. I need some of those. Wait, here's my question. I don't think you need any of those.

How many more generations are we? Like a decade away from like old people just like now being more like young people. Because I think- We've done stories where they've had like STD outbreaks in retirement. Right. Because like people who are 60 now,

like we hung out this weekend with great people in Austin, Texas, Caitlin Piero and like her sister and her husband, Chris, and their dad. Their dad is 61. So he's about 13 years older than us. Her dad was somebody that- You're saying elderly that lived through the sexual revolution.

Right. Maz is 72. I'm 72. And you look great. Yes. Okay. So we're about the same age. We're 47. 47. Same age. I'm 72. And you look great. Yes. No, but okay, so we're about the same age. We're 47.

47, same age. Same exact age. But like, I don't feel old. Dan, we're at least 10 years older than you. And so I feel like we're contemporaries. I think as people get older, that gap is getting smaller. Now, maybe the gap is larger between like 18-year-olds and 60. Like, does that gap just move down?

A big part of it is we are in denial because we're 47 and we think we are young. But do you think you look like what 47 looked like when you were 20? And when I'm 75, who's to say I'm not going to throw on some NWA or throw on something like on the rail? You guys are also the hell going to every this happens because of just our progress you're probably you i would assume maybe i'm wrong you are the you are the healthiest 47 has ever been absolutely years from now yeah that 47 will be even healthier than you but but we again we you're absolutely right i love this perspective of we are younger we're hipper we, we're healthier, we're with it. But that said, there's a reason why that saying started.

What was the one that said, whatever boomer? What did they say? Okay boomer. Okay boomer. There's a reason why that started. I like that you said whatever boomer shows you exactly where you are. There you go. Fork it over, boomer.

There you go. Fork it over, boomer. Fork me. Fork you, boomer. Fork it over. No, because I've done shows, and I'm sure you guys experienced this. I did shows for the incoming freshman class at UC Berkeley. And when I went there, I did the math.

I go, wait a minute. If I had had somebody come, because I started at Cal at 1989. I go, if I had someone come the year you guys are when I was back then, I go, that person would have been from 1959. That's right. And I would have been looking at him going, what the hell is this? Exactly. And so when I was in front of these guys,

I was trying to relate as much as I could, but there were many, many moments throughout the set. Huge areas where they just don't understand what you're talking about. And they're looking at me going, this guy is 150 years old. That's right. And in my mind, I'm like, dude, I'm 30-ish.

I got it. Where are we going after this show? So let me ask you this. Because everybody here has been to a strip club. You go to a strip club, and you see these two octogenarians singing out. Does that immediately totally ruin the vibe? Yes, hell no. I'm like, this is a party.

Okay. Yes, I'm of your mind. Yeah, I'm like, man, this strip club doesn't give a fuck. Dude, this is crazy shit is going to happen. Because the one thing, I don't traditionally enjoy strip clubs unless I'm in Portland or up by the cabin. It's a 100% waste of money. But at least in Portland, it feels like part of the social scene. It's not just a whole bunch of lonely dudes asking strippers to sign their Hooters calendar.

No. And that's when I'm like, oh, this is like the wrestler, like that where you're like, oh, you just need some companionship. If I walked in as old people, I'd be like, this place is chill. This is reaching a lot of people across platform. I'm thinking either they own it, or I'm thinking they're one of the stripper's moms.

And I'm watching to see if they clap. They clap for their... My name is destiny. I'll get into it. Every year around this time, the Flesh Den in the small town of Castleberry, north of Orlando, offers the shots in a setting way more exciting than a sterile doctor's office. Also way less professional. Yeah. Who needs sterility? Right.

And the return of the complimentary lunch buffet has gotten geriatrics coming in droves. I hope it's not... Quote, unquote. Yeah. This is aiatrics coming in droves. I hope it's not. Quote, unquote. Yeah, this is a quote. Coming in droves. I hope it's not my last meal. I think Rachel should be commended for doing this for the seniors. Really?

Barbara Becker told WESH as she waited for her shot yesterday. Barbara Becker. The Beckers are coming over on Friday. She goes to like Temple Beth Emmett. It's Rachel's sixth year of offering the shot, which includes the lunch buffet free for seniors and veterans, as well as Castleberry residents and city employees. Everyone eats for free.

I'm sorry. When did just having naked women not become enough for a strip club? When did they say, we need some marketing ideas? We need to get people how do we get people in here you get them in with the flu shot you keep them in there with the buffet and then we tell we call them body shots and we just tell people they're free i like it we'll line up the gray hairs don't seem to mind the skin show quote barbara becker again i think it's great i wish i had some of these figures like these gals do. Sure. They're beautiful girls.

Yes, they are. None of them tip, though. No. If you're... Like they write them... Like the worst thing in the world for all these old people is that they write them all a $5 check and just hand it to them.

By the way... When's your birthday? I'll post date it. By the way, I love... And I don't know if a comedian has done this yet, but in my mind, if Nikki Glaser doesn't do this, she should do this bit.

The girl who says, who tries to act like she's super cool with going to the strip club with her man and a bunch of other women. Yes, right. That girl who's like, I love strip club. Yeah, let's go. It's my idea. It's like, no, no, no. You're going because you don't trust your partner. Oh, yeah, yeah. And you're

going because you want to seem like you're the coolest person who can handle everything. No woman likes a strip club. It's not... Some do. I doubt it. Some do. Unless you're bi or if you're into that. Dude, in Portland, it's tons of guys and girls. It is everybody.

Portland has like a... You're in a strip club that's also a bar and there's a poker game and it's vegan. You guys are doing a great job. I've never been to Portland, but you're doing a great job of selling this Portland strip club. Portland has like a vegan strip club, which they're a little too

militaristic about the rules in there. They once placed a stripper on administrative leave just because she had a yeast infection. Come on! God damn it! That's a gluten-free issue. That is dairy, right? Something's being gross. If you're hoping to get a shot from a stripper in a sexy nurse outfit,

no dice. The shots are administered by registered nurses in the club's VIP room. How do you know who's a registered nurse? Yes, I was going to say, that gets confusing. Right. Also, in the VIP room. I'll tell you exactly how you know who's a registered nurse is by how far down the button is. If you're three buttons down, you're like... Most scrubs don't have buttons on them.

Also, I kind of hope that the strip club aspect isn't going well, and so they keep adopting more and more medical practices until Rachel's Gentleman's Club just becomes an urgent care. They're like, this is where our business is at, guys. I think they could add bingo and just have the numbers coming out of the woman's strippers. Coming up to the stage, Dominique on the bar, David's getting a bone set in the left corner. Shooting ping pong balls with numbers on them out of the machine. Guys, don't forget for the next hour, it's two for one. Oxygen tanks all night long. Bingo on the main stage. And bingo on the side stage, too.

Bingo on the main stage, bingo on the side stage. And we're giving out free hysterectomies in the back. Who needs their paps? Quote, a little uncomfortable at first. And after you get a pap smear, grab a smear on the bagel in the right corner at our Jewish buffet. A little uncomfortable at first. And after you get a pap smear, grab a smear on the bagel in the right corner at our Jewish buffet.

A little uncomfortable at first. This is a quote. I actually texted my wife to try and find her and go right to her immediately. Castleberry resident Tom Roganowski said. All right, Roganowski. I don't know what he's talking about. What he's saying is I was at the strip club. I got busted because this news organization came in. I now have to tell my wife that I was there.

I actually tried to call my wife. I tried to find out there's not good coverage. Well, honey, it did say Gentleman's Club, and I am a gentleman. I am a gentleman, and I care about health. You're the one telling me I need to get checked. Club employees said they just want to help the town. Do you want me to get the fluid? This is another movie. The strip club that want to help the town. Do you want me to get the fluid? This is another movie.

The strip club that wants to help the town. Yeah. Quote, at this time, the rising cost of health care, it's a great way to give back to the community, said Rachel's food and beverage manager, Kevin Rossini. Okay. The food and beverage manager. I'm on the food and beverage team at Rachel's.

The food and beverage manager at a strip club is your cousin who you're trying to keep out of trouble. Can you imagine this bar rescue? You got people back here relocating shoulders. Four years of Cornell University Hotel. How can you focus on the pork shoulder that you're sending out there when you got a guy who's got a dislocated shoulder? So the crazy thing is there is like a salad bar next to at the Acropolis in Portland. And we're like, the sneeze guard could not go down far enough. It should be like when you go to a bank and there's just bulletproof glass all the way down.

Yeah, you should slide your plate in. And then you got to use hands. It should be like a preemie in an incubator. You've got to come in with gloves that are all ready. Just to get the garbanzo beans. Well, this is Kevin Rossini again. If you've forgotten, he's food and beverage manager. Oh, no, we remember that.

He's Italian, right? Rossini. I'm just trying to make a nice place here. We're proud to be a part of this community and a chance to give something back. You know he definitely hands out his card, and as he's handing it out on the down breath, he's like, Kevin Rossini, food and beverage. Food and beverage. Food and beverage.

I already read that. If you're thinking about getting a flu shot, but a trip to the doctor's office makes you squirm like a six-year-old, you might want to make a trip to Castleberry. The club is scheduled to give flu shots again. If you want to squirm in front of a woman who's trying to pay for her six-year-old, you can do that down at Rachel's. I went and found Rachel's Orlando on Instagram. This is in Orlando?

Yeah. They say the best men's club in Orlando with a five-star steakhouse. What? Who else is competing for that? I'm going to go back to something Maz said earlier. How many things is this strip club doing? They're doing flu shots. They're letting old people in there.

They're a steakhouse. They've got so many. What's the next thing? They're a water slide. Bring your kids. How many followers? We'll get out of here in this just for fun. How many followers do you think Rachel's Orlando on Instagram has?

You are our guest. You can go first. I'm going to go with 14,152. Wow. That's a lot of followers. 14,152. Jay or Ran? They can't be more than 2,500.

2,500. I'm going to say 21,300. What? All right. We will leave you after I tell you. Because if you post up pictures of strippers, you will just get followers. That's why I'm going with a high number. It wouldn't be great if their Instagram was just pictures of old people getting flu shots.

It's just a buffet. Here's what we're serving today, guys. They have 411 posts. They're following 1,165 people. And the amount of people following them is 4,145. Yes! I was close. I hate you. I was close.

I was close. So if anybody is in the Orlando area and you get a flu shot, please send us the picture. Look, you're going to be there for Disneyland. We are going to post it up on our Facebook page. If you haven't joined the Facebook page, join it. If you haven't joined our Patreon, join it. There are such great perks. We do extra episodes for you.

It is a blast. And they give flu shots. We give flu shots. Can you give us a tease of what we're going to hear in the last segment? Oh, possibly the dumbest man in Florida. There we go. Wow, that's saying a lot. I know.

Maz Jabrani's with us. Just on shirt alone. On shirt alone. I love it. Maz Jabrani's with us. One more segment of Dumb People Town. Stay. Stick around.

Make it sound. There's more Dumb People Town. around make a sound there's more don't people town hey guys welcome back to the show uh follow us by the way on twitter we are at sklar brothers he is at daniel kirk you can get thanks diane at my website daniel van kirk.com or anything that i've got oh hey by the way is, you know, the holidays are coming up and if you go to fluffycrate.com slash Sklar

or use the promo code Sklar, you can get all of our designs, our brand new hoodie sweatshirt. Yeah, we got a sweet Sklar bro. So check all that stuff out, Grant. And how people follow you on Twitter and Instagram. Yeah, it's Instagram,

Twitter, Facebook, at Maz Jobrani. Spell it. M-A-Z-J-O-B-R-A-N-I. Good follow. A really good follow on all platforms. Do it. All right, Dan, let's get into this. This is a story from September, but it was worth hanging on to. Hurricane Dorian is a catastrophic Category 5 hurricane lumbering towards the U.S. coastline at five miles per hour. I think it's probably say Benjamin Just Ham. Benjamin Just Ham. Just him? I don probably say Benjamin Just Ham.

Benjamin Just Ham. Just him? I don't know. Just Ham. But he sent this in. Thanks, Benjamin. Just Ham. You don't want eggs on this sandwich at all. It's a breakfast sandwich.

I'm reading this in the present tense. It's a breakfast sandwich. You don't want any cheese, no eggs. Just Ham. Just Ham. I'll take a Benjamin. It's all about the Benjamin Just Hams. It was or is, depending on your perspective of time, heading towards the U.S.

Coastline at five miles per hour. And while there are plenty of smart things to do in the meantime, one Florida man thinks the military should just drop ice in the water. Quote, I don't see how they haven't come up with some way to combat these storms yet. Send an unidentified Palm Bay man to Florida's, to Florida today's. Wasn't this Donald Trump? Didn't he say he wanted to throw ice in the water? No, he wanted to nuke it. Nuke it.

Nuke the water. Go on. Tyler Vasquez, who I guess works for the Florida Today, in his tweet he goes, From a mobile home park in Palm Bay, this man has some ideas on the military could stop hurricanes. This man has some ideas is the beginning of like every manifesto yes that i'm going to show you a picture of this guy it's all you need to know i tell you i'm sure alone you would walk on the other side of the street what does it say was oh look at him these guys he's got a mustache that how many times has he yelled we're not divorced yet he looks like he

rapes magicians why'd you change the lock he said that a lot of times too you changed it he's like no no no let me finish that's the end of everything what do you mean i could only have a flu shot here fork it over let me give you a shot let me give you a shot of something fork over that shirt i know what 500 yards means. I gotta tell everybody when I move into the neighborhood. 500 meters is the same as 500 yards. My book.

All this warm weather and warm water. We have Navy, he says looking directly at the camera. We have Navy? We have Navy. Why don't the Navy come and drop ice in the warm water so it can't get going as fast as it's going, he says, wearing a Hawaiian shirt. They're throwing a lot of shade at this guy.

Why? We have Navy. We have Navy. Do they just go up to a random guy and ask him how to solve the hurricane? To me, this now is the greatest thing in the world. He said, hey, before you go hey before you go I want to say something I imagine him whittling a piece of wood and they're leaving

I got a theory about that turn those things back on turn everything back on if we ever do a play on those overly patriotic t-shirts that you see people wearing in airports but we have a dumb people town one we make a flag and under it just says we have navy we have navy that's a good one people town

we have navy by the way we have navy means something that someone could say at the gap they're like you have this in black but do you have it in navy yeah we have navy we have navy are these are these the is this the only color of this you guys have? No, no, no. We have Navy. No, we have Navy. I want to put a spin on it where I think it's kind of smart that he's saying that. Look, we have Navy. They can handle this. But I know he didn't say they can handle this

afterwards. Right. Well, what do you want them to do? We have Navy. Well, maybe he was trying to figure out what's the plural of Navy. Well, what if the plural of Navy is Navy? Navy. Navy. We have Navy.

We have Navy. We have Naples. We have Army. We all have Naples. We have many Armys. We have many... Jesus. Air Fry.

Air Fry. And Marine Eyes. Not stopping at ice, the Palm Bay man, which means only one thing to me. They didn't even want his name. They're like, we're not identifying him. The Palm bay man said he would also like the air force to get involved okay so what happened was not stopping at ice means this is what happened right hey they we have navy they should drop ice and that thing is happening thanks so much thanks so much oh no we got it but there's more there's more wait you have air force should do it too

we have air force ones Those are shoes, sir. Put the water in the refrigerator. Wait, what? Quote, there's got to be a way to combat this. Now, he's talking about a lot more than her. Here's what we do. We dump 10,000 pounds of Mentos into the ocean. Then we start pouring Diet Coke in.

What? There's got to be ways to combat this other than just pointing at the thing and going, well, now it's getting worse, he says, laughing. Well, we all know it's getting worse, but you tell us. Oh, it's the warm weather. Oh, it's the wind. Drive some Air Force planes. That's also.

Drive some Air Force planes. It's not fly and it's not jet. It's drive and plane. He doesn't want them flying. He just wants them driving on the road. You know, if you take the right directions, if you map quest it, you can actually drive. You don't have to fly. Drive the Air Force plane.

And it saves gas. Yeah, if you don't pull up on the thing, you could drive it anywhere. Because he knows that if you drive it, you're going to pollute the air less, and that will then not contribute to global warming. I know he was thinking about that. Drive the planes. This is a guy who's definitely said to, I'm not going to say his wife, because it's got to be his ex-wife. His legally separated common law wife. Eat your orange juice.

Eat your orange juice. Eat your orange juice. Drive that plane, eat that orange juice, and go. Drive some Air Force planes around to get the winds going the other way. What? You know what? Hold on. I saw Superman do this.

Yes. And was it one or two? Two. He went back. I've seen it. No, it was one. Yes. And was it one or two? Two. He went back around. I've seen it. No, it was one. Two. She died in one.

It was two. I've seen it. She died in two because it was Neil before Zod. Yes. And she died. And he did the one thing that he wasn't supposed to do. So he knows what he's talking about. And by the way, Superman drove.

Yeah. He drove around the Earth. He drove around the Earth. He drove around the Earth four times. Four times. He drove in the air. He's faster than a running bullet Yeah he is I'm going to read this whole sentence to you

Oh it's the warm weather, oh it's the wind Drive some Air Force planes around to get the winds going the other way The Navy to go in circles To fight it the other way He wants the planes going up top He's got a plan The planes going up top and the Navy going in the opposite direction He knows by the way that these are hurricanes These are not going up top. He's got a plan. The planes going up top and the Navy going in the opposite direction on the bottom with a bunch of...

He knows, by the way, that these are hurricanes. These are not... I mean, yes, I know a hurricane is a circular storm, but at the same time, it's not a tornado. I love the person who wrote this because they wrote, surprisingly, none of these ideas are as bad as President Trump suggested to nuke a hurricane. There you go. If you're in Florida and you're writing

that being like, well, this isn't as fucking dumb as the guy who's running the country. You're saying like, transfer me. I don't care. You're just like, I- But now we know who voted for him. Yeah. And then it says stay on top of Orlando.

So what do the Marines do in between? Because you've got the Navy, you've got the Air Force. I don't trust them. They scream at it. Those guys are having sex with each other. I don't trust them. But they got to scream in the opposite direction. Sympathy, sympathy.

Storm. You have them scream this way, and then we got Army, so Army can scream in the other direction. These guys got it all figured out. Mm-hmm. Yeah. He has that and a horseshoe business. This guy has so much stuff figured out that people just won't let him actually put into

practice. Yeah, or come back into their restaurant. Listen, I'll watch your baby. I'll watch your baby for you. No, sir, I didn't ask you to do that. I'll watch him for you. That's why we have the stroller. I can take the baby with me.

You guys take a walk. I'll watch him for you. This guy is banned from three Golden Corrals. Yes. He started two companies where he holds people's place in line. This guy should give the rebuttal to every weather report. Yes. So the guy says, this is coming, and now let's go to this guy this guy should give the rebuttal to every weather report yes so the guy says

this is coming and now let's go to this guy to an unnamed guy in a trailer park I don't know if that's gonna happen it doesn't have to happen we have Navy

Navy can fix that we have divorce we have divorce that's story three we have divorce there you go that's the show Maz Jobrani again your podcast is back to the show Maz Jobrani

Again Your podcast is Back to school With Maz Jobrani Check it out I think we all need to go Back to school After those stories

Really appreciate you Coming on the show Thanks for everybody For supporting us Hey December 2nd again Weird Al Dave Longstreth

From Dirty Projectors At Largo Please come and check that show Yeah that show's selling out It is doing really well. And then come see us in March in Minneapolis, St. Paul. Excuse me, Minneapolis, Milwaukee, St. Louis. And then in June, Portland, Seattle, and Vancouver.

I can't wait. We'll be more dates coming up soon. But love you guys. And oh, shit, we've dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum,