Dumb People Town - Michael Ian Black - Trouser Machete

Episode Date: June 16, 2020

This week, Michael Ian Black comes to town to visit Daniel, Jason and Randy. In story one, an Australian man’s arranges a Facebook meeting to live out his sexual fantasy. In story two, a man leaves his personal information behind after shoplifting. In story three, watermelons are used in a robbery. 

Skypains Avenue We shouldn't make this up. So listen to our podcast jam with co-host Armand Dan. Man, Dirk, don't be a jerk. That's when the music, which the funny hits, and we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, hunker down, it's Dumb People Town. Hey, townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population, you. Population, Ian Black. Michael Ian Black. Hi, buddy. Welcome to the show. episode of dumb people town population new population ian black michael ian black hi buddy welcome to the show hi everybody are you good it's good to see you i know there's a little delay

you're up in the woods of connecticut we appreciate having you on so much i randy and i were trying to think is is there somebody who for a longer period of time in our lives has made us laugh as much as Michael Ian Black? I don't think so. I would say Michael Showalter. Is that the two of you guys, Michael and Michael? Yeah. Yeah. That's a better choice than me.

Well, the thing is I've known you guys forever. So just by seniority, I feel like I would – there's a lot of that. Yeah. No, you are – We've known each other for a you know each other dude it's not necessarily quality it's entirely about quantity you're one of the few people we've used in every single project we've ever done and you've never used us once i'm kidding so both of your projects wow that hurt folks that hurt but but yes one of them multiple times so there you go

in your face or congratulations i was never on the mtv show i don't think the apartment seven apartment 2f no you weren't whatever it was you should have been i think you had been blackballed by an mtv at that point you had been michael iballed. Yep. That's a, that's a specific kind of blackballing just for you. It's better than being Michael Ian blue ball. That's right. Thank you. That means that would have been, if we auditioned, you gave you the part and then said, no, we're not going to, um, listen, we think the world's getting dumber. I don't know if you agree with that or is it that dumber is getting louder and we're just seeing it more? I think we're just seeing it more. I think the world's always been a stupid, stupid place filled with stupid, stupid people. And I'm including myself among them.

Yeah. Yeah. I think we all would strive to be smarter and better, but there definitely seems to be a rise in the voice of Dumb. Just ask Randy, who's getting into a fight with someone right now on nextdoor.com. I'm into a fight with someone on nextdoor.com. I don't know if you have nextdoor.com up in Connecticut. It's terrible. I mean, we have the calm part and I have people next door, but I don't have those two ideas connected. It's a good idea not to. Imagine a message board for nosy people who have too much time on their hands in your neighborhood. Remember your neighbors who would walk up? Is it called Twitter? Yeah, almost. Almost. It's like Twitter, but local Twitter. So it's dumb. We get stories sent to us, Michael, from our fans, and Dan has barely broken them down. We have not heard them at all. Let's jump into one right away.

You cool with that? Yeah. But I want to know why you're fighting with your neighbor. Oh, she's terrible. Because my kids made signs that said, you know, we see you and basically talking to communities in crisis. So wait, your kids are watching your neighbor and writing, making signs about it? That is how it sounded. That's terrible. My kids made signs supporting communities in crisis and hung them up. And then someone tore them down in a bizarre moment where the person tearing them down sent his dog to attack another woman who confronted him. And my wife wrote a comment back that that's terrible.

And then someone jumped in and started to attack my wife. And then I said, oh shit, I'm joining nextdoor.com and I'm now in this fray. You done fucked with a comedian. That's right. And so I was like, you don't want any of the smoke and heat that's about to come. You don't want any part of this discussion. And then I proceeded to, over the course of the rest of the day, find every single comment that she made. And it sounds like it's going well. It's going very well. It felt cathartic is what I'm saying. Hey, you know what It felt cathartic is what I'm assuming. Hey, you know what else feels cathartic?

Our stories on our show. And we got Michael Ian Black, so let's do one. Let's do it. Okay, this was sent in by Jameser Bensonamum, I tried, at Cyril Fagas. I don't know what that means. I hope it's not offensive. Sounds like a slur, but okay.

If it's problematic, it wasn't my intention. Either way, they sent this to me at DanielVanKirk. Hashtag dumbpeopleTown. Do that the same if you have a story that you think would be fun. I'm going to read you guys the headline because it's great. Okay. Men hired for sexual fantasy break into wrong house. Wow.

Yeah. Is that part of the fantasy? That was my first question. Break into the wrong house and now I get off on that? There's probably a website for that. Oh, yeah, for sure. For wrong house break-ins? Mm-hmm.

You may be in it. So,.com. I'm going to do that porn search. Wrong house. Wrong house. Is that a euphemism for anal? Could be. Backdoor.com. That's a's a different different different than nextdoor.com that might be that might be a euphemism for in the ear in a sex fantasy gone wrong two men with machetes

entered the wrong house in new south wales australia before quickly realizing their area first off they say so many things can kill you in Australia, but who's planning for a sex fantasy gone wrong in the middle of the night? Who is bringing a machete to a sex fantasy? Someone who's planning on going into the bush, folks.

I'm out. Jason, at Sklar Brothers for everybody who has a feeling about that joke. Hey, have you been to Australia, Michael? No, I've never been. Have you been? No, I have been. Not to do comedy, but I went with my wife before our first child was born,

while she was pregnant. It was the coolest, most amazing place. I loved it. But I could totally see something like this happening there. Because every single person in Australia brags about how much they drink. That is just a fact. And they do talk a lot about how everything can kill you everything can kill you they're like have you seen the spider that like ate the cow we're like no but now i'm scared of that right you know also i love the sentence this sentence where they say before quickly realizing their area error wouldn't you love to like be in that moment because how

quickly did they realize this person didn't want us to like be in that moment because how quickly did they realize this person didn't want us to machete fuck them when they jumped when they jumped into a seven-year-old's room maybe bust in through the door you look around machete raised and then boom right they're like i thought this was supposed to be a closed concept home all right one of them that is the one of the uh sex fantasy makers has now been acquitted of entering a home armed with a weapon in july of 2019 so this is the court results of this oh good they'd been hired to carry out the client's fantasy by being tied up in his underwear and stroked with a broom which we now know means uh hit the judge concluded that the facts in this

case are unusual i mean you know you know, shit. Yeah. The role play was arranged over Facebook by a man near Griffith, South Wales, who provided his address to the hired pair. Don't give your address to anyone on Facebook. That can't end well. Have you ever had a good interaction on Facebook, Mike? Are you on Facebook? I'm not on Facebook, but I'm feeling really, really dumb about tweeting my social security number right now. Oh, my God. Don't do that. You have a lot of followers.

Don't do it. You're going to get in a sex fantasy. I know, but somebody asked. Oh, do not. I didn't want to be rude. Maybe that's... Can we blame Mark Zuckerberg for this Facebook issue? Also, if they have...

If you have the address and you're not Google mapping it... Do not make this work. No, you're making it work. You sound good. You're with us. Yeah. If you yeah, if you have the address, why? Why was there a problem getting to the house?

I think just the Google map of it all was you Google map when you drive places. Am I right? Or do you let the navigation? What are you, Byron Allen? He's got a great Google map bit. Let him do his Google map bit. I only use pirate maps, which makes things super hard. Because unless I'm specifically looking for buried treasure, I never reach my destination.

Right. It's always drive to the palm tree, go past the X. So I had a dentist appointment last week. And I mean, you know, bad news is I didn't make the dentist appointment. Good news is I found a chest of Spanish doubloons. Fantastic. Now, Jason, you love Spanish food. You had something you wanted to say about Spanish food. This is Dan being Byron Allen.

My man! By the way, I have a great... Why does Spanish food always make me go like this? Okay! By the way, I have a great Google Maps bib. I just have to search for it. Hang on one second. Folks. At Sklar Brothers. Jesus. Alright. So this guy goes on

Facebook, finds two people who own machetes, which as far as I can tell is the only criteria they have for. But Dan, Dan, Dan. I have no sense of direction. Everyone in Australia probably owns a machete. That's true. But I'm going to tell you right now, I'm guessing these two guys aren't part of a sexual fantasy, like a company. It's not like sex grams.

These are just two guys that he finds. You know what I mean? Like, had you gone through an agency, now you can, like, start to have a protocol and you can start to ask for money back. You know, your usual sex torture agency. Yes. Flowers, chocolate, sex torture. According to the judge,

this guy who wanted these two men to come over with knives and sex torture him and get stroked by a broom, he was willing to pay how much if it was really good that's in quotes so the guy said he was willing to play blank amount if it was really good how much do you think it cost for a two-person machete sex fantasy to come into your house you are our guest michael ian black you can go first you can go tig which is second or you can go third whichever position you want to go i'll go first okay how much you think in u.s dollars 35 dollars 35 dollars so specific jay what do you think i'm gonna say 200 bucks 200 bucks 200 american dollars i'm gonna say 323 dollars okay townies wherever are, play along with us as we get through this time together

because he was willing to pay, quote, if it was really good in American dollars, $3,467. You got to get him there. I got to get a machete. I mean,

that's a good gig. That's why they always say the machete will pay for itself. I told you. That's what the guy said as they're driving over. I told you these machetes would pay for themselves. I feel like it was probably three grand for the whole experience, an extra 400 bucks for the broomstroke. The problem is there's only one person in the entire country of Australia

that wants to have this done. So you better A, be really good and then you can have business doing it. But like, it's not like you can look at it and be like, okay, so we made 3000 this time. We're going to make 3000 next week. You know how you do that with, you're like, oh. But see, then I wonder this, because that was their number for these two guys that I go with Jason, that they do not belong to a professional agency. What is the least amount of money any of us could get paid to go hit somebody with a broom and break into their house? What's the least amount of money?

Would you do it for five grand? Yeah. I couldn't do it for less than 10 grand. Really? 20 for me. So all I got to do, I'm allowed to break into somebody's house. Tie them up. You don't have to

do anything sexual. You just tie them up and hitting them with a broom. Yeah, and I get to carry a machete. It's probably business casual, I would guess. I was assuming biz cash. I could wear whatever I want. That's a thing for him. $35. I was assuming biz cash. I could wear whatever I want.

That's a thing for him. $35. I'll go with the same $35. I'll do it for $35. $35, by the way, a number that could easily be vended. But plus gas. For sure. Get your miles.

Get your miles. That's obvious. Here's where the problem came in because the client moved to another address 30 miles away without updating the two men. How long had they planned this? That is... Look, in six months because I really want to forget that I set this up. He's leaving his house. He's looking around.

He's like, what am I forgetting? I've canceled the cable. I've canceled the cable. I've canceled the internet. I did a forward of address for all of my utilities, Bill. It sounds like the person used to live at that house. Yes, they did. And then they moved and didn't tell their sex people. I feel like they fulfilled at least half of the contract and should get at least half of the money.

That's right. 100%. They broke into the address you gave them. Right. Right. When the resident. OK, so here's what happened. So he doesn't tell people that he moved.

Yes. So then. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I know you're going to get to this, but this brings up a very interesting discussion because now can the current residents of the house sue or blame the old guy for giving the address? You sent people to this location. I know. There you go.

Yeah. It says here, so they entered the home on the street of the original address. Through the back door. Or victim, I should say, because they didn't sign up for this. This feels like an old Chevy Chase, Goldie Hawn movie. should say, because they didn't sign up for this. This feels like an old Chevy Chase, Goldie Hawn movie. When the resident noticed a light on in his kitchen at 6.15,

he assumed it was a friend who came by to make their morning coffee. To hit him with a broom. Yeah. So let's think about this. This new person living in this house wakes up at 6 in the morning, sees a light on in their kitchen that is not from them, and is like, oh, one of my friends probably came over to make coffee. You know, Michael, how when you're in, you wake up in the morning and you see a light on,

you just assume that one of your friends, uninvited, came over to make coffee. Fucking house. Right. When the men called out the name of their client that they thought they were there to gleefully attack. Yeah. The resident turned

on the light and removed a sleep apnea mask that he was wearing this guy's got enough problems so he comes downstairs looking like bane yeah yeah he's got like an alien face hugger on and he thinks his buddy's making coffee it turns out there's two dudes in the shed he's ready to go to broomtown on his ass. By the way, Broomtown sounds like every hour-long drama that only lasted three episodes on CBS in 99. I thought you were going to say Broomtown is the spinoff to Rizzoli and Isles. It is. This fantasy is taking place at 6.15 in the morning.

Yeah. Yeah, that's also a bad time for them to show up and do this. Show up around 1.30 in the morning. Who's ready for love at 6.15 a.m.? I mean, if you wanted the real treatment, though, this is when you get abducted. It's not on your schedule. It's a surprise attack. I honestly feel like that's not peak abduction time. Right.

Because the abductors have to get up so early. Yeah. I mean, the abductors, you know, they're like, all right, just be ready to up so early. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, the abductors, you know, they're like, all right, just be ready to go at four 30. Right. So it means you have to be up at four.

Right. No, I got to shower. So really? So that's my question. Do you shower? If you've, if you've got to perform an abduction,

do you shower? This is like my mother-in-law. She's like, she has like a 9am flight and she's like, I got to get up at three 45 in the morning. I'm like three 45 and she's like, I got to get up at 3.45 in the morning. I'm like, 3.45? She's like, I have to shower. Maybe I'll get on the bike for 30 minutes.

I'm like, on the bike? What? Why? She's like, then I got to be there at 6. You're going to shower before the bike? And then I shower after the bike. She likes to shower before the bike and after the bike, and she needs to have bra. And are you really going to break into somebody's house and tie them up and hit them with a broom on an empty stomach?

I don't think so. Great point. You're not going to stretch. You aren't going to stretch. All right. That's another 20 minutes. That's 21 minutes. 6.15 abduction.

Really? You got to back time it to like 2.45. That's 2 a.m. Are they doing overnight lane closures? I don't know. I mean, you're certainly laying out your clothes the night before. That's for sure. Because you want to. You don't even have to mean, you're certainly laying out your clothes the night before. That's for sure. You don't even have to think about that.

No, not at all. And when are you going to clean your blade? Because you can't do it the morning. Right. You're cleaning your blade the night before. You're laying out your clothes the night before. You're probably gassing up the car the night before. Are you going to use your broom? What if you break the broom before. Are you going to use your broom? What if you break the broom? So do you want to use a broom you don't care about? And bring a backup broom. And you know what?

Bring a Swiffer just in case. Just in case. What are we tying them up with? This never ends. This is like the logistical aspect. Maybe it is worth $3,000. It is. $3,000 might not be enough

who's supplying the rope that's right was that better been clarified yeah exactly uh so it was then so he he the victim hears his name the name called out which isn't his name turns on the light removes a sleep apnea mask it was then that he saw them standing over his bed with machetes which they appeared to have brought as props for the role play when they realized their error one of the pair said sorry mate and shook the resident's hand that is the most awkward handshake we're good right hi yeah it's a very like george bailey old man potter shake yes the two there's that well you know what's funny is there's that moment where if you're carrying a machete yeah you're in you're probably carrying it in your right hand your dominant hand that's right so you gotta switch it to shake hands he

has to like move the machete into his other hand and extend it in peace and be like sorry mate which means in that other hand he's holding now awkwardly the machete and the broom trying to like hold they're like forming an x one's going one way one's going the other way and it's like i will help um this is what it gets or he does the terrible move of keeping the machete in the right hand and shaking with his left right which is everyone's good at that nobody's good at that this is where it gets good believe it or not so the two men then drove to the correct address, which means they jumped on Facebook and were like,

buddy, where are you? Where the client noticed that one man had a great big knife in his trousers. And so he asked the men to leave their weapons in the car. So now the guy who's paid them is like, no, on the weapons, put those back in the car. Yeah. At that point, they go back into the guy's house house the new address at the right house with the right client and the client then cooked bacon eggs and noodles and a short time later the police arrived at the property found

the machetes in the car and arrested the pair so the guy's like look we lost the abduction it's almost 7 a.m by now i'm up you're. Let's just have the classic breakfast of bacon and noodles and noodles. The old bacon. That's I love also a trouser machete for a name for an Australian penis trouser machete. That's right there. The judge ruled that the evidence did not suggest that the men's actions were intentional to at least to the victim. They carried the machetes either as prop or something to use and that fantasy, the judge said, the fantasy was unscripted and there was discretion as to how it would be carried

out. So it's improv. It's improv. Guys, we are knives like us. Thank God that judge had passed level 2 at UCB. Otherwise. And the judge did say to them Thank God that judge had passed level two at UCB. Thank God. Otherwise. I know.

I know. And the judge did say to them in sentencing, play the problem, not the solution. That's right. Hi, guys. We are Knives Pout. We are an improv group. No! A lawyer for Terrence Leroy.

Perfect. One of the accused said. Two first names. It was a commercial agreement to tie up and stroke a semi-naked man in his underpants with a broom. Entry was not with intent to intimidate. Right. Yeah. I think the original guy should be charged.

Yes. That guy who set it up and made the mistake. Oh, who set it up and made the mistake. You know, you made a mistake and you put this other guy in danger. And you know what's crazy is if he gets charged, they're probably going to strip him down. He goes to jail. And someone's

going to tie him up and beat him with a broom. Well, they'll do something with a broom. I don't know if it's necessarily beating him. Is that our first story? That's story number one. Okay, story number one down in the books. Michael Ian Black is with us and I'm so happy he is. This is the beauty of being in a quarantine of sorts is that we get people who are on the East Coast to be able to be on this show

right now. I love him. We're going to take a break. We'll be right back. Hey guys, welcome back to the show. We have Michael Ian Black, who is a wonderful follow on both Instagram and Twitter. Can you tell people your handle so people can follow you? Michael Ian Black. Beautiful. Do that. And I want to say that he has written, so among many things that you've written, including movies and TV and all that stuff, you wrote a children's book called I'm Bored, correct? And so one of the ways I got reconnected with Michael for this very podcast is my son, part of his at-home learning assignments are to watch our

librarian for our school, who used to be a stand-up comedian. Always a good mix. Always. No, she looks like a librarian from the 1960s. And she is... But then when she takes off her glasses and lets down her hair, she is like hot. No. Okay. But then when she takes off her glasses and lets out her hair, she is like hot. No, she looks like a librarian. She is the most prudish woman ever. And she used to be a comedian. And so whenever we do the comedy night for our school, I always try to like- Get her to do five?

No, I always speculate that her material is like the dirtiest. Like all of it is about anal, all of it. It's hilarious. Anyway, she's sitting there reading this book and she's like, the that i'm about to read is from a michael ian something or other now i'm in the background comic is she i look up and i'm like michael ian something other than this i she's she's a librarian she can't read the word black yeah i know also like because that's that one doesn't see black it wasn't like that like, it also is not like there's four more names after that. It took you longer to say something.

I love Ms. Myrtle. And she did make a mistake. Michael Ian McKellum. But then she got it right. And then I said, Michael Ian Black. And then my son who had seen this video before and was like,

I love this book. And then we sat and watched it. And I'm like, oh my God, I have to write to you. So I sent the video and reconnected. So people can get your books, people can follow you. I remember you wrote a book about Donald Trump being elected president before he got elected. And it was like a joke of how bad it would be if he would be elected. And then it happened.

And I, for a while, blamed you. Oh, that was awesome. That's called A Child's First Book of Trump. And that's also, it's written as a children's book, but that children's book was not really intended to be a children's book. Right.

But I'm Bored certainly was. Yes, it's a great kid's book. Thanks. So great. All the things that, anything you've ever been a part of has been something that,

you know, from the state to... Stella. Not my marriage. Stella, your marriage. No, not that marriage. Your marriage has been very funny. Give it some credit for the last... Viva Variety. Viva Variety, yeah. You guys were at my wedding as my wife

reminds me. I was at your wedding. We both were. We both had a church on... Was it 22nd and 2nd? It's 98, so 22 years ago. Yeah, but what street was it? 22nd and 2nd? It's 98, so 22 years ago. Yeah, but what street was it? 22nd and 2nd Avenue? Oh, it was on, the wedding was on 22nd Street, yeah.

Yeah. I remember it. It was beautiful. Beautiful church, beautiful wedding. And it did make us feel really, we were like genuinely touched that we were invited to be at that wedding. So thank you.

Well, what happened was we had prepaid for a certain number of meals and then some people dropped in. Got it. That's great. Got it. And that's why we were touched. We were like seed fillers at the Oscars. It felt good. So much thought.

When Ken Marino got up from the table, we just slept in and kept his seat warm. All right. Should we jump into another story? Let's jump into another story. Let's do it. This was sent in by Liz Haggerty, at Liz Haggerty. Liz, you're great. Thank you.

She's awesome. Okay, here we go. Shoplifter at Omaha store gets away but leaves behind completed job application. Yeah. Not the way you wanted to. No. You stole my heart. Did you get what you wanted? Yeah.

So you're free? I am, but I'm hoping they call me to come back. Yeah, exactly. A 20-year-old Belle. Go ahead. It's not a bad way to get a second interview that's right and be memorable you will definitely stand out your application goes to the top of the pile what do they say always leave something at a place you want to return to he kind of reversed it leave yours yeah it's the reverse yeah leave all he did leave his resume and his social it took about five minutes mond Monday for store detectives to determine the name, address, and phone number of the man they say walked out of Shields Sporting Goods store at Village Point without paying for a...

How much do you think a bottle of cologne costs at Shields Sporting Goods in Omaha, Nebraska? First things first. It doesn't say the brand? It does not say the brand. What is it? It is... He walked out of Shield Sporting Goods

in Omaha, Nebraska without paying for a bottle of cologne and they give the total amount. I just love the idea that they're selling cologne at this point.

That's where I get all my cologne. Where do you get your cologne? Big Five. Right. The car wash. Models. Yeah. Right. You smell good. What is is that when you think of smelling good you think of sporting goods well if they the only cologne they sell was derrick jeter's cologne that would be it like

remember he came out with the jeter cologne and then our joke was that candy mal maldonado should have come out with a cologne called candy and then people would start drinking but wait it's candy doesn't it seem like i know they solved the crime in five minutes but doesn't it seem like that's kind of a long time even still to read a paper five is too long like don't pat yourself on the back they really have to like sound it out as they're going a hundred percent where did he put that is this the applicant a lot of the my glasses aren't on i'm holding it away from me i'm holding it really close make sure that address is real is that a four or is that a seven that was a big hang up that was a big tenant is that

is that an eight or six they're pouring over the wrong information. No, that's what I love too. The lieutenant that might be like, Sarge, thanks for coming down. Look, we're here, but we are in a big argument if that is an O or a zero. We are having a heated debate about his contact information, his emergency contact. So it's Shields and Yarnell Sporting Goods. Sure. How much do you think a bottle of cologne... Michael,

what do you think? You go first or the middle or the third? I'm going to say $129. I'm going high. By the way, that's three times more than it would cost to show... No, three times. There are gold.

Because it better be a really good cologne to earn a spot in my sporting goods store. That's right. If you're taking up shelf space, those are the athletic supporters are. This better be good. All right, Jay, what do you think? There are gold flecks inside of the flecks of gold. I'm going to say $49.99. Okay.

I'm going to say $89.99. Okay. I'm going to say $89.99. Okay. I will tell you, he walked out without paying for a $40 bottle of glue. I was close. Thank you. A loss prevention manager at Shields told the Omaha police that he was watching as the man selected a

box. Ooh, we do have the brand. What is it? A box of St. James of London cologne. St. James of London retails for about 40 bucks. Had you known, you would have been right on it. Had I been aware that it was St. James of London, I would have been right on it. It's like St. James of London is like English leather. Just put London or England in there and people are going to think it's high quality.

St. James of London reminds you of someone who doesn't know anything about London, but is like, we need to make this sound as British as possible. That's like when you drive by a rundown apartment building and it's like Canterbury Arms and you're like, ah, it's so sad here. There's no gate. Right. Isn't it Canterbury Tales?

It's a mistake. So they selected, the man selected a box of St. James of london cologne and strolled which is a fun little embellishment strolled into another editorial that's editorial but by the way so sauntered out the front strolling tells you exactly what went on right also stroll i mean if you're a St. James of London man,

that's how you walk places. He's got that St. James smell to his stride. You saunter. Yes, you do. If this isn't an ad for St. James of London Cologne, I don't know what is.

Also, here's another weird thing. They say he strolled into another department at about 12.15 p.m. What does that time stamp matter? At what time? Well, he went into another department. It was his lunch break.

He went to the sporting goods store to apply for a slightly better job. That's right. And thought, I'll just help myself to some St. James of London on the way out. Let's stroll out of here. Serotipitously slid the bottle of cologne out of the box and into his pants, the Shields worker said.

The shoplifter then returned the box to its place on the shelf and left, strolled, out of the store before employees could stop him. How much do you think he, as he slipped it out of the box, made a whistling noise? He's strolling. I'll take that. The man's first mistake was driving away in his father's Toyota Camry, which is a great children's book, Father's Toyota Camry. That's right. This is not your father's Toyota Camry.

Actually, it is. This actually is my father's. My father's Toyota Camry. His first mistake was driving away in his father's Toyota Camry slowly enough to let an employee write down the car's license plate number. But, Jay, just to go down on that road, what if the current Toyota Camry that his father had was billed as not your father's Toyota? This is not your father's Toyota Camry. Right.

That is my father's Toyota Camry. Correct. His bigger mistake was filling out an employment application when he arrived. The loss prevention manager told police that while reviewing surveillance video of the incident, he noticed the man had completed a job application. The man's name, age, phone number, and place of residence matched information police had gathered during numerous early arrests. He loves to steal. He's a London man. A still photo from the video also matched his mugshot. Monday afternoon, the 20-year-old male made it easy for police to find him.

He returned to the store for a job interview. They called him up and said, we want you. And he said, I'll be there tomorrow. And I'll smell great. I'll smell awesome. I'll stroll in about one tomorrow. This is what I love. We talked about embellishment.

This is how it's written here. Monday afternoon, the 20-year-old made it easy for for police to find him he returned to the store for a job interview new line and it just says really some office uh someone from shields called police to say the man was back officers arrived and arrested him upon suspicion of shoplifting and then searched the car. He was driving his father's car. They found the bottle of cologne in plain view and some drug paraphernalia then cited him on suspicion of drug paraphernalia. A 22 year old who was also a front passenger in the seat was also cited for drug paraphernalia.

Don't drag anybody else. This guy, come on. He's just keeping the camera warm, right? They also found a bong and the guy said that the bong was his. That's story number two. Here's the question, Michael.

Did he get the job? I know. Look, we want to hire you. What if they hired him for loss prevention? You're like, you know how it's done. Imagine him in the interview. He's like, you want to hire him? I'm clearly an expert.

He left the cologne in the car? Yes. What if he did? You really want to risk leaving your St. John's of London in the car? I know. It's very easily affected by temperature. But I was going to say, people don't realize that it's stronger when you leave it

in the heat. The great thing is people don't realize St. James of London, you can cook with it. You can? Yes. It also works for pine tar on a bat. Come on. What's the, give us a, tease us a little bit on the final story. Okay.

When we come back for the third story, we have something that's been sent to me so many times. It's the craziest disguise to rob a convenience store. I love it. Michael Ian Black is with us. I can't wait to get into it. Dumb People Town, don't go anywhere. Stick around.

Make a sound. There's more dumb people town hey guys welcome back to the show uh let's get in this last story dan take us home but here we go this was sent in by mark marcus at mark marcus c's not k's a man who wore a watermelon on his head while stealing from a convenience store has been arrested. Michael, have you seen or heard about this story? The watermelon bandit, yeah.

I am going to... Jay, take that picture. I'm going to show you the picture of these two. It's two guys. So when we first heard this story, because Jay and I did hear this story, because it was sent around a lot, our first thought was, it's nice to see Gallagher working with his brother.

That's great. You know, because they had had a whole beef there for a while. I know. Yeah. Gallagher won, bequeathed his act to his brother. And then hated each other for it. Can you imagine that? Just bequeath your act to another family member. Can you imagine that? Just bequeath your act to

another family. I wish you would stop saying bequeath. It's really unseemly. I agree. What are you, strolling? He bequeathed his moist comedy. A pair of melon heads, yes, actual people with watermelons on their heads caused quite a stir after they used watermelons as face masks to

allegedly steal from a convenience store in a small Virginia town. At least they're wearing masks in this town. Very true. The duo pulled up in a lifted 2006 black Toyota Tacoma. I don't know what that has to do with it, but it tells me a lot. That they stole a 2006 Tacoma. And lifted it. But paid retail for the melons.

Yes, they did. 100%. Here's the crazy thing. 2006, that's already like a 15-year-old car. That's a 15-year-old truck right there. That'd be like you and me, like let's go back to 94, 95 when we started hanging out, having a 1980. If you had a 1979 toy, like people would say, get a new car. It would be like we stole a 19.

It would be like Michael Ian Black, Jason and I in New York City stole a 1980 Peugeot. Those are good wheels. And just drove around. Just drove around Manhattan. Well, they pulled up in their 2006 Toyota Tacoma, assuming theirs for the moment, entered a sheet store in Lusa on May 5th. So this is their Cinco de Mayo. Yeah. While wearing carved out watermelons with holes cut for their eyes. 5th so this is their cinco de mayo while wearing carved out watermelons with holes cut for their eyes okay so it is cinco de mayo so what i'm gonna assume is that that those watermelons are soaked in vodka soaked in vodka you ate them all out and then

what do you do you turn into a jack-o'-lantern put some eyes in, stick it on your head and go rob it. You know how when you the natives of this nation used every piece of the animal that they killed. If you have the watermelon already, you scoop out the melon part, all you've got left is the shell. You've got to use it for something.

That is perhaps the most resourceful use of a rind I've ever seen. it for something. Thank you. That is perhaps the most resourceful use of a rind I've ever seen. Eco-friendly criminals. That's right. Yes. And also paying attention to social distancing and masks. And mask wearing.

Sorry. There's some things to love here. Right. Who's dumb in this story? That's right. One of the two suspects was arrested on Friday. Police Chief Tom Leary confirmed to CNN. Police are still looking for the second suspect.

You see the picture. There's no way way unless you know the person's shirt and you i know that t-shirt right or you fill out a job application or you how mad was the new york post that it was watermelons and not cantaloupes because they would have done cantadopes yeah that's pretty good well like the human fingerprint every watermelon has a distinct striation signature. And supermarkets are required by law to record every striation on their melons for just this reason. This is it. You don't want to be liable for it. You don't want to be liable.

And it is like a fact dating. It is like a fact dating. It is like a barcode. That's right. It's God's barcode. Yeah, exactly. Watermelon striation is God's barcode. I've said it.

I've put it out there. Thank you, Michael Ian Black. It is a brilliant disguise. Yeah, it's a lot of effort, but it is very good. What did they steal? I forgot what they stole. They were arrested and charged with wearing a mask in public, committing larceny,

underage possession of alcohol, and petty, they spelled it weird here, larceny of alcohol because one of the persons they caught was 20. This is definitely not something you see very often, which means you've seen it before. This should be like,

we've never seen it. I don't know what you're talking about. No one's ever walked in with a watermelon on your back. Then he goes on to say, this is Chief Leary. We're a really nice, quiet town with a lot of hardworking people. And something like this is pretty unusual. I don't know. If you said hardworking and these people made masks out of watermelons, I would say they're hardworking in your town, too.

Yeah. Absolutely. They're creative. They're out-of-the-box thinkers. Yeah. Agreed. Candace went. It's not his fault. He's only 20. He can't buy booze. Yeah. They're out-of-the-box thinkers. Agreed. It's not his fault he's only 20.

He can't buy booze. They're out-of-the-mill thinkers. Candace Wendt, a Sheetz customer. I love that she just interjected. Sheetz is the name of the store. Yes. She's not just like a person who only shops for Sheetz. No, she's a Sheetz customer with a Z.

She told CNN affiliate... Just tell me, what's the name of the store? Sheetz. That fits. There you go. She told CNN affiliate WIRC that she thought using melons as a face mask is ridiculous. Well, nobody asked your ass, Candace. Yeah, what makes you an expert?

Exactly. Where's your degree in criminal justice probably has like a co-ed naked t-shirt like tied around her face as a mask she's not even trying right the amount of work you have to do oh this is still candace yeah the amount of work you have to do to actually hollow out a wall or watermelon to stick it on your head i think is kind of crazy why why would they do that it's so stupid well half of them got away so now you know why yeah exactly yeah yeah if you had a 50 chance of getting whatever you wanted from the convenience store when you're not old enough to buy liquor by the way how sticky would your hair be for the next week

even if you know great it would be like washing with a Garnier fruit. Garnier fructose. Is that the new St. John's of London? No, it's a watermelon. Yeah. It's Garnier. Is that Garnier fructose? No, it's just fresh. Oh, fresh watermelon.

That's our third story, friends. I love it. Michael Ian Black, what other things can people consume of yours out into the world? Anything or no? I'm unemployed and unemployable. Okay. I don't believe any of that. I don't believe any of that.

We'll always put you in everything that we do. You know that. If we ever get another project. A third project. I'm going to make this promise to you because we just love playing with you so much. The next time, and I don't know when that's going to be, we come to do this show live at the Bell House in Brooklyn.

We're going to make you drive down to the city and come be a guest on the live show. Will you do that for us? Of course. That'd be great. Of course. I say that and I mean it. Like 40%.

40 to 50%. Okay. That's a promise I will take. That's more commitment than you've ever given us in the past. But realistically, when do you think people will be allowed to congregate anywhere? About a year. About a year. About a year.

I'd say next spring, summer. Okay. So any promise I make to you now will not be binding. So I 100%. Fantastic. My only thing is that if you move, you give us your new address. Michael Ian Black, we love you. Thanks so much for doing the show.

Thank you, Randy. Oh, shit. We got to get back to work. Stick around. Make a sound. Tunk it down. It's Dumb People Town.