Dumb People Town - Mike Birbiglia - Unproperly Secured Load

Episode Date: August 9, 2022

This week Mike Birbiglia comes to town to hang with Daniel, Jason and Randy. The first story is every flight passenger's nightmare. The second story is all about the Big Mac. The final story pushes the limit of a u-haul.

Skypains Avenue Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Birbiglia. Michael Birbiglia. How are you, buddy? You're here. You're on our side of the country. It's so good to see you in person.

I know. We did so much virtual stuff together. You did this show virtually. You did this show virtually. You did my show virtually. We did your show virtually. We loved it. We're in the room together.

You guys are always such great energy. I'm always happy to be with you. You're coming to opening night of the show. It just feels good. You have this show that is remarkable. It's only at the Mark Taper Forum. The Mark Taper Forum. Incredible theater downtown.

Eight shows a week. That's insane and amazing. That's where I saw Who's Afraid of Virginia. Well, that is where I've seen amazing. Who's Afraid of Mike Verbeek? Nobody. You shouldn't be. Nobody's afraid of you.

And that's what we're going to talk about all that, how people can go in LA and see the show. And I want to sell this show out in LA fans. We'll do that in a little bit, but first we've got to dig into the dumb and you're here. I feel like you're so good at that with all of the way you dig into material and your own life. You're like,

I did this and this was stupid. And here's a story. So we're going to dig into it with the world. And Daniel's here. We got our fans in the stories at Daniel Van Kirk on Twitter. The way we're fighting back against the tidal wave of dumb is with comedy. Yeah, I think that's all you can do. That's our weaponry.

Let's jump into a story, shall we? Ready? Yes. Sent by Andy Cutler at OG Cut Funkler. Okay. I'm going to be very specific. Please tell me that's on a vanity license plate. OG Cut Funkler. You're going to get pulled over. You get pulled over with that. He's got something in his glove. okay it'd be very specific please tell me that's on a vanity license plate oh g cut fungler

we're gonna get pulled over you get pulled that's it you get pulled over with that he's got something in his glove i smell weed in that car always this story is crazy and he's like no no i just drove by a skunk and you're like really did you i don't think anybody's dumb in this story but it would happen in dumb people town okay okay here's the headline you might have heard about it passenger with no flying experience lands plane at florida airport of course it's like our like as traveling comedians like this is your fear well i mean a person who's never flown a plane before i think i think mike's fear would be that he would fall asleep and then sleepwalk to the cockpit and then try to fly the plane. I rarely sleep on the plane because of that.

Have you ever had an issue on a plane? Well, I've never had an issue, but I, of course, have this serious sleepwalking disorder I've written about a lot. But, like, yeah, I always think, like, why don't we just fall asleep? What if I fell asleep and then unbuckled and walked up and created a whole issue? Yeah, exactly. And then with this particular story, I'm also like, is it an overcompensation on the part of the first time traveler? Let me take control of this situation if there wasn't a situation. Right. I got it.

And they're like, got what? We're all cool. They break in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Guys, I've got it. And they're like, what what? We're all cool. They break in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Guys, I've got it. And they're like, what? But also like the balls on this person. No, I know.

To think that having never flown a plane before that they could do it. In order for it to happen, you have had to go through three other last options. This is the plot of Airplane, the movie. But he flew before. He had flown in the war. He had flown in the war. But he flew before. He had flown in the war. He had flown in the war. Remember George Zip? He had flown in the war.

He flew over Macho Grande. Guys, Joey, I'll never get over Macho Grande. Isn't there a Denzel movie about this, too? Oh, yeah. Flight Path. Flight Path. No, no, it's not Flight Path. It's Flight.

It's the one where he turns it upside down. It's called Flight. But he himself was drunk. He turns it upside down. We say that with a straight face. It's the one where he turns it upside down. Well, then Sully. Sully, of course.

Yeah. Sullenberger landed the plane. I'm going to put it on the Hudson. But that's a pilot. Right. And then there's one person who's never been on a plane. They're doing Sully. Just in video games alone, it is so hard to land a plane.

Oh, yeah. In video games. Oh, yeah. I remember playing the Top Gun, like, Nintendo game. Oh, yeah. You could barely land it. That's what you say when, like, a show gets out of order. Like, when there's, like, yeah. In video games. Oh, yeah. Remember playing the Top Gun, like, Nintendo game? Oh, yeah. You could barely land it. That's what you say when, like, a show gets out of order, like, when there's, like, chaos. Like, we're going to try to land this plane.

That means we're going to try to do something that is very hard that might not get pulled off. Even Breaking Bad, like, they're talking about now with Better Call Saul, they're like, are they going to be able to land this story? That's always, like, the thing. Like, can you land it? But they did it. The person in the story did it? Yes. They did it.

I mean, come on. Which, by the way, let's talk about all the ridiculous false. And, of course, it happened in they did it. The person in the story did it? They did it. I mean, come on. Which, by the way, let's talk about all the ridiculous false- And of course it happened in Florida. That's the dumping point. Let's talk about all the ridiculous false confidence this person is going to have now for the rest of their lives. Oh, yeah, certainly. Oh, they're going to wear a shirt.

I got it. Yeah. I'll land it. That's what they're going to shirt. Do you want me to take care of that? Because I landed a plane. You think I didn't put enough saran wrap on this watermelon? Let me tell you a story.

One time- Right. Imagine if you didn't even know what watermelon was. Yeah. I've never seen this before. I don't even know if it's going to work, but excuse me, I do know it's going to work. Let me look at that cut. Let me look at that cut. Let me see what it is. No medical training at all. Their dating profile

for the rest of their life. Graduated here. Landed a plane. Yeah, yeah. Job applications. Karate. Oh, every new work team building meeting. Just something interesting about yourself.

Oh, I don't know. I landed a plane. Having never flown before. Man, you're a burning man. I'm a burning man. Yeah. Johnny Lander McCullough. Yeah.

And they're like, why Lander? Is Lander your family name? Is that a family name? Is that a family name? It's not a family name? Oh, you added that. I'm sorry. Did you see that in quotes?

Because it was, that's really, yeah, it's not a name. No, Mike, give me this idea of him at a playground with his four-year-old child. Lander. Lander. Lander. Oh, yeah. Do you want to hear how we named him? Oh, yeah. There's a funny story, actually,old child. Lander! Lander. Oh yeah. There's a funny story, actually, as to why we call her Lander. Lander.

Lander, come here. And then temper. Lander, get over here! Why is this guy so well? He had a thing. He had some PTSD from an incident that occurred many years ago. No, it's Lander. He left playing when he shouldn't have anyway.

The pilot, on his single-engine Cessna 208 had gone incoherent. The passenger was telling air traffic controllers Tuesday afternoon, according to audio from LiveATC.net. Oh, my God. That's where my comedy special is going to be. LiveATC.net. LiveATC.net. Yeah, it's only 30 minutes, but it's mine.

They only play them on airplanes. Right. Passengers are landing, but fine. It was, he stressed, quote, a serious situation. Yeah. Air traffic controller Robert Morgan, a certified flight instructor, was on break when the call came in from the plane. Great.

He's like, well, I'm just going to smoke a cigarette. Nothing weird is going to happen up there. It's not like a passenger is going to try and land the plane. The call came in. The air traffic. Oh, wow. Jesus. Jason's weird is going to happen up there. It's like a passenger is going to try and land the plane. The air traffic. Oh, wow. Jesus. Jason's watch is talking to us.

Wait, so you're telling me the air traffic controller was on break? Yeah. Yes. Oh, wow. Okay. Wow, this is really worrisome. You know that can happen? This is my worst nightmare.

That is everybody's worst nightmare. Mike's like, I could have handled it if all the air traffic controllers were all hands on deck. But one of them was on a break. I know. It worries me. Robert Morgan. The plane was headed out from the Hamas. but one of them was on a break. That worries me. Robert Morgan. The plane was headed out from the Hamas. I rush over, there's a quote, I rush over there and I walk in the room.

It's really busy and they're like, hey, this pilot's incapacitated. The passengers are flying the plane. They have no flying experience, Morgan told CNN's New Day. I got to step in. He goes, I said, oh boy. So we got a real Scott Bakula on our hands here. This is quantum leap. I just wonder how you get to the point where who communicates to the passengers that there's an incapacitated pilot.

You don't. Right? So then how do they know? But it's a Cessna. So are you just looking at the guide? It's probably, what, six people? Yeah. Oh, it's that small.

Yeah, yeah. So I'm assuming you're –. Oh, it's that small. Yeah, yeah. So I'm assuming you're, because I've gotten into a plane, and I was in Australia, and we flew from Cairns over to this little island, my wife and I. And we got into this thing like it was a car. Like we're in the back seat of the plane. And it was the windiest flight ever. And I'm like, oh, this is how I die. Okay, goodbye, everyone. And we're like whipping around.

I'm like, this is not okay. But if anything happened with either of those guys, I'm watching them the whole time from like a foot away. And one of them goes out. One of them goes out. That's why you're not a pilot. And also I've had this – I think everything is context too, right? So like I flew Southwest Airlines recently, and you're like – you change your standards.

Of course. You walk in, you go, if I get to the end of this tube and it's not a plane, it's a bus, I'm going to take that bus. I'll take it, right? Right. Number one and number two, you're like, I know I'm going to be put through a lot during this flight. Like, a lot of comedy that isn't comedy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean?

Snacks being thrown down. You're like, I can't believe 9-11 didn't kill all that comedy. Those attempts at Southwest Airlines. You shouldn't be able to make comedy about anything on a plane. But you know what's crazy? There are people on that flight with you who love it. Love it so much. I'm like, this stewardess.

That's like when you'll be walking to do your show at the Mark Tate Performer you're doing in New York. And you walk by a street performer who has like 90 people around him. They tell a bad joke and everyone laughs. You're like, don't do that. Don't do that. It makes me mad. That's the whole thing. I grew up Catholic, and so the priests would get way too many laughs.

Too many laughs. Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John Boy. People are like, yeah. Father Pete is hilarious. John Boy. I don't know. Let's dial that back a little. I'd like to say goodnight, John Boy.

You know what somebody said to me once on a flight? I was like, these fucking flight attendants. They go, a lot of people on this flight are so nervous that them being that dumb and goofy makes them think this isn't that big of a deal. I love, Dan, that you're whispering. Dan, I love your whispering because we don't want some people to hear that you're sad.

Also, Mike Birbiglia is very calm right now. No, that's true. I'm bringing it down. You're bringing it so calm. Dan is like, I got to meet him down there. That tracks. That some people are like, these people are so stupid. This whole thing is so silly. What am I worried about on this flight?

That's right. That they are like taking the air out of it. I remember there was turbulence on a Southwest flight, and one of the stewards from the front flight attendants took peanuts and threw them into the aisle. It's like the snack cart went. I had a guy on a Southwest flight. That was actually funny.

His name was Vic. I'm sorry. That was funny. Ravix is like, good. That was good. Ravix is like, all right. I'll allow it. I'll give him that one.

This guy's name was Vic. And we have a stop with no plane change so we stop and now it's just me and him on the flight essentially he goes what are you flying for and i go oh just work and he's like how much work do you do i go i'm just entertainment industry yeah but what type oh god i go i work in this guy wants to get to the center and he's like what in comedy what do you do oh my god and i go i okay here we go here we go i go i'm a i'm a stand-up comic i I got one for you. He goes, oh, wow, you're doing that in Houston?

I go, yeah, I'm just going. I go there to work out new material. I have a relationship with the club. Oh, my God. You know, I do shows. I do comedy. He goes, what's the name of your show? Dan, how hard did your heart just sink into your nuts?

I go, what? And he's like, the name of your show, what's the name of it? I go, it's just me. It's my name. It's Daniel. I'm Daniel Van Kirk. I go, I've had he's like, the name of your show, what's the name of it? I go, it's just me. It's my name. I'm Daniel Van Kirk. I go, I've had the name of a tour. He's like, I named my show.

I go, what is it? He goes, it's called Life in the Laugh Lane. Life in the Laugh Lane. Life in the Laugh Lane. And then he starts to pitch me his whole show. He's also in charge of the rodeo in Houston. He's on some big board. I can come to any of this. I got all of his information.

Dan, part of you I know didn't want to hear any of it, and then part of you wanted to hear all of it. Give me everything. Why'd you come up with that? He goes, you want a cocktail? I'm going to bring you a cocktail. And I go, sure, I'll have one. This is what I wanted over.

He's the steward. He brings it over, and he goes, the drink's free, but I have to charge you. And I go, for the cup? And he goes like, ah, this guy gets it. Yeah, the cup. Wow. You cracked the code.

You got him. You got him. So if anybody out there ever gets a chance to see Vic, I don't know his last name. Life in the Laugh. Life in the Laugh. I'm going to look it up. Because they're wearing shorts, they have no rules. I'm looking up Life in the Laugh.

So what happens in this fight yes morgan learned the passenger had never flown the passenger on the line had never flown a plane but had been around aviation and seen other pilots fly haven't we all yeah sure i've been on aviation a lot a lot most of my life 50 times a year i'm around aviation i've never flown a plane but i have luggage did you find Are you looking up life in the land? Are you going to make model planes when I was a kid? I love that you think he's- I threw a paper airplane.

Somebody else thought of it. Paper airplanes, love it. So there was a- That counts. There's a video of a guy at a soccer match. Have you seen this? No. Upper deck of an English Premier League soccer match.

Oh, yes. Throws a paper airplane it goes all the way down all around to the field turns and goes into the goal and scores and the place goes crazy opposite end it's the greatest thing i've ever i'm like that's a flight that's the longest flight i've ever seen better than the sullenberger flight this is why i can't like like i've recently joined tiktok it's like, we can't compete with that. No, you can't. No, no, no.

We'll never do anything better. But you're great on TikTok. Thank you. There's nothing I can do that's better than a guy at a Premier League game throwing an airplane that goes down and over. Onto the field and scores. I'll tell you why. Because your moment, which, by the way, I laughed so hard when it came to my feet today of just going to a Starbucks bathroom and just wrecking it like nobody's business and then driving away as far as you can. Which I believe is the rudest thing one can do at someone's place of business.

Ever. That's a threat in most cultures, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. But the fact that you're like, dude, I'm going to destroy it. And so there's stuff coming out of me. I need the code. I need the code.

Made me laugh so hard. I need the code. And then you just drive away. And that is a brilliant moment. But that is one of many brilliant moments in an hour of this stand-up and you have several hours to stand up. That paper plane thing is the height of that person's life.

That person will never top that. So we can't top that. We're in a whole new era of entertainment where it's not thousands of entertainers. It's basically billions of entertainers. And you basically billions of entertainers. And you're only seeing their best moment ever. Their best moment ever.

Ever. So you can't make five specials and do a show at the Mark Taper Forum about them. You're only seeing the coincidence of their life. I know. You are seeing what happens next. Magical happenstance. The flashpoint of their life. The time where everything came together inexplicably.

The matrix. You're witnessing the matrix in real time. I'm trying to make people laugh. Guy who hits golf ball and lightning strikes golf ball that he just hit. You're like, I can't do that. I can't defeat that with a joke. I'm working clubs 40 weeks a year, and I'm trying to build up an hour. And then this guy comes in lightning strikes the ball

i'm gonna tell you somebody's gonna start selling out clubs just by showing people their favorite tick tock forget about it you just go and they're like oh have you seen this guy's favorite and the show's called have you seen this one right yeah you've seen this one yeah yeah uh okay so giving someone an idea right now i know his name is mike no it's just the clubs the club you go into a club two drink minimum and they just show you tiktoks yes have you seen this yeah it's just the club they don't even need a comment yes yeah have you seen this yes uh thursday nights have you seen this anyway the passengers like he had been around aviation he was really calm morgan said that's our uh air traffic controller yeah uh saying about the passenger he's really calm he

said i don't know how to fly i don't know how to stop this thing if I do get on the runway. If I do get on the runway. Morgan had never flown this model Cessna. That's our air traffic controller. And his wife in the back was like, he can't do it. Oh, he's our air traffic controller. Good luck. George, don't do it.

You should see how he messed up our garage door opener. So the air traffic controller pulled up a picture of the instrument panel's layout and started guiding his new student step by step, day by day. The most stressful thing. Have you ever put together an Ikea shelf? Oh, yeah. This is like that, but people could die. This is what he starts telling this passenger who's flying a plane.

Try to hold the wings level and see if you can start descending for me. I can't do that. Push forward on the controls and descend at a very slow rate. Try to do what to the wings is what I would say. Right. Also, very slow. That's a judgment call. The air traffic controller can be heard telling the fledgling pilot over the live ATC audio.

Quote, try to follow the coast, either north or southbound. We're trying to locate you. So they don't even know where they're at. Oh, my God. Follow the coast, either north or southbound. We're trying to locate you. So they don't even know where they're at. Oh, my God. Follow the coast? Morgan said. Oh, JFK Jr., who was a licensed airline pilot, got lost and died. Yep.

Wow. Morgan made the key decision to guide the aircraft to the area's biggest airport, helping the passenger turn pilot, position his aircraft eight miles out from Palm Beach International just so he could have a really big target to aim at. That was smart. Oh, smart. Together, they got the Cessna to touch down on the runway, footage obtained by CNN affiliate WPBS. Dude, this is the craziest thing ever.

And probably not the craziest thing that happened in Florida that day. I know. I know. Absolutely. How many hours? My story later is going to be from Florida as well. Oh, Jesus Christ. So it's like, guy lands Cessna plane, and probably that's just under man has sex with

alligator. Right. Oh, yeah. Of course. That would be just below that. Right. Great. The landing rate at a 10 out of 10 in Morgan's view, usually with typical flight instruction,

it takes how many hours to learn how to land? To land. What do you think? How land, what do you think? How many flight hours do you think you need? 500? 500? 1,000. I think 60.

I think you can probably do it in 60 concentrated hours. 20. That's it? Oh, okay. 20 hours. That's not bad. It's one of those things where you go, only 20, but then you think about doing it, flying for 20 hours and doing it 20 times.

20 times. 20 times. That's what they're saying. 20 flights. Morgan, our air traffic controller, said, I felt like I was going to cry then because I had so much adrenaline built up when he landed. I was really happy that it worked out and nobody got hurt. Wait, you were happy that it worked out?

That feels weird. He wants everybody to know I was not cheering for a crash. Don't say that out loud. He said the quiet part out loud. Other pilots were stunned as other air traffic controller relayed across the airwaves what had just unfolded. So now at this big airport, the air traffic controller is telling the pilots that they made hold off the runway. You just witnessed a couple of passengers land that plane. The tower operator can be heard telling American Airlines pilot waiting to take off for Charlotte.

What did he say? Did you see the passengers landed the airplane? The American pilots asked. Oh, my God. Great job. I imagine they're watching it going. This is going to go horrible because they know they can tell by probably looking at it. Like if you're or you're wrong or it's one of those things where warm up comedian at sitcom says, does anyone from the audience?

Because there's a long break. Have a joke they want to tell. Person comes down, tells a street joke. kills that's what i was no destroys and there's like comedy's not that hard well jay this is what i was gonna say usually your first set always goes yeah yeah yeah and that's what this guy experienced yeah yeah so funny because he had his whole life to land one plane yeah let me see you land i second. I think of comedy this way, and tell me if you agree, that every new premise is you jumping off a cliff with the audience. Oh, that's interesting.

And you're like, if you do it correctly and all the beats come out, you throw up the parachute and we all land softly down on the bottom. Yeah. If you don't, it's going to be a hard and bumpy thing, and you might not get out of it, and the rest of the set might be ruined. Yeah. But every time you start talking about something new, it's going to be a hard and bumpy thing and you might not get out of it. And the rest of the stuff might be ruined. Yeah. So like, but every time you're like,

you start talking about something new, you're jumping off the cliff again with somebody. And I think that building on your analogy, you're jumping off the cliff. And then sometimes the audience goes, we're going to stay here. Yes. And I'm going by myself.

At the last second, they run, they run to the edge with you and then you're gone. You're gone. Like, where'd you go? Happens to me all the time. Where'd you go?

That was my first time. I hate finishing first. But that very first time you take the audience off the cliff and you haven't done it before, that's why it's a drama. Oh, that's cool.

Because then you're like, it's like the first time doing comedy. Then you figure it out and you land. Because you do land. Because later on, by the time you record it,

you're like, guys, I know where we're going. We're going to land. We got this. But that very first time and you're like, fuck. I know. Then you can't go to this so that's why i think that's it's analogous to this situation of this person landing doing this thing that's crazy well it's also worth noting i mean this is a real digression but it's like they're all probably

thinking they're gonna die oh yeah so literally anything better as So literally, anything better than death is a win. Yeah, huge win. I remember years ago, I was starting out, and I broke down on the side of the Pennsylvania Turnpike, and there's no shoulder. And I have a AAA guy putting my car on a tow, and all of a sudden, we see this 18-wheeler coming out. And it was, there's no shoulder. Right. And he goes, just go somewhere. Go somewhere.

We both jump onto the car. Oh, my God. Suspend ourselves, make ourselves. It was inches from us. It blew past us so fast. Oh, my God. We're driving back to the service station, middle of the night. Your trauma bonded now. We're both smoking cigarettes. service station, middle of the night. You're trauma-bonded now.

We're both smoking cigarettes. Of course. He gave me one of his cigarettes. And he's on the phone with his wife going, I almost fucking died just now. This guy. Yeah. Who's seen everything. The tow trucker who's seen everything.

He goes, I love you so bad. I almost fucking died just now. It was terrifying. Was that the moment when you realized how really serious it was when you're listening to this guy cry about it? You're just now it was a terrifying was that the moment when you realized how really serious it was when you're listening to this guy cry about it you're like it was bad and i we made it through but like he's known he knows that you don't there's a period of time it's like five minutes there where you're going like yeah okay death is in the mix yeah yeah and and and in this case on the plane it's like they're all thinking that of course a lot of like

knowing looks. Yes, knowing looks. And when do you just start having sex? When does that happen? There's no way. I don't know. I mean, look. Who wants to fuck me?

I just landed this. Oh, my God. That's the air traffic controller. Him too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just landed this. The condition of the original Cessna pilot who had a possible medical issue was not immediately known. After the Cessna's landing, Morgan met his new student who gave him a big hug and said,

thank you. It was an emotional moment. He said that he just wanted to get home to his pregnant wife. Morgan said. Well, I throw that in the mix. Jesus Christ. How about you don't get on a Cessna with a pregnant wife? Yeah, don't get on a Cessna.

Yeah, right. I got a baby to meet. And then they hug and then they're there. There they are. There's our guys. Oh, my God. Which one do you think is which? That's Matt Lauer.

I thought the same thing. I was just going to put this up. I was going to say air traffic controller has the thing around his neck. Has the credentials. Okay. The other guy definitely looks like... He's like, I've driven an ATV before. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You are correct. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so guy on the right with the sign is like, I got these military grade sunglasses. I can do this. I actually can put them on the ride with the sign is like, I got these military-grade sunglasses. I can do this. I actually can put them on the runway and drive the plane back over. Even though it's sunglasses, it makes it brighter, but I know what I'm doing. Air traffic controller Mr. Morgan says, in my eyes, he was the hero.

I was just doing my job. There you go. Hey, man. Wild story. Only in Dumb People Town did the inmates run the asylum. The passengers land the plane. That is the world we live in. Chickens run the coop. That's right. When we come back, that's our first story Town did the inmates. The inmates were on the asylum. The passengers land the plane. That is the world we live in. Chickens run the coop.

That's right. When we come back, that's our first story down in the books. We're going to talk about Birbiglia's awesome run that he's doing in L.A. with his show. I'm so excited for it. Every single show he does is amazing, but I know he's super excited about this one at the Mark Taper Forum. We'll talk about it on the other side of the break. Plus all the stuff we have going on. We'll be right back.

Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Don't People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to DPT. Before we get into mic stuff, we want to remind people we have a new TV show. It is called The Nosebleeds. We've worked super hard on it.

Daniel was a big part of it. We love this show. We love it so much and the only way for us to get to do more. And Birbiglia is somehow connected to it because it is a reboot of our old show Cheap Seats and Birbigs was on Cheap Seats a couple of times. He did a great sketch on Cheap Seats. And I warmed up the crowd for Cheap Seats.

That's how long ago it was. That almost feels like a crime that we made you do. And he's laughed us several times in this industry since then. But the good news is this show is the first episode is free and available to you on YouTube, on UFC's YouTube page. If you go to our Instagram, at Sklod Brothers, and just click on the link, you send that out there, you will see a wall-to-wall, under-20-minute TV show that is so many jokes, mystery science theater style of the first ever UFC, UFC 1 in 1993. Rob Corddry does a sketch. Sarah Tiana's in that sketch.

Brian Moses, Jeremiah Watkins, Jamar Neighbors. It's an amazing. Randy Lydke. Yeah, and Randy Lydke and Frank Castillo. And then later in the series, Tony Hale's in a sketch. Andrea Rosen's in a sketch. John Hamm. John Hamm's in a sketch.

Marilyn Rice. It's great. It's really good. If we get another season, we'll write something for Mike Birbiglia to do. How about that? Amen. So that's out. And the only way to get another season, you've got to watch it.

So please watch it. Leave a nice comment. It's the UFC's YouTube page and the restaurant, UFC Fight Pass. We're in Ann Arbor at the end of next month. And then we're doing a tour of this show. We're doing live. Dumb People Town in Nashville at the Hutton in the Analog Room on October 13th. And on Friday at the Den in Chicago.

And then we skip Saturday because we each have things, but then on Sunday night, the Bell House in Brooklyn. It is going to be a blast. Andrew Dismukes, Roy Wood Jr., and the band Cut Worms. It is going to be so much fun. O' Let's talk about Ann Arbor, because what are the odds you get a Zingerman's sandwich while you're there? Oh, 100%. 100% out of 100. O' A two to three over the several best things it's the best sandwich in the trip my opinion is by far the best maybe the best deli

in the country Dan before we get to Mike Daniel you've got stuff coming up I will be on a private event in Fayetteville Arkansas there might be some tickets available as soon as I get that link and I find out I'll let people know but the next night on the 26th of August, I will be headlining the Blue Whale Comedy Festival in Tulsa. And then I am hosting the Red Bull River Rapids. That'll be fun just watching

people try to float down a river on things they built themselves. That's happening in Oklahoma City. And then on Sunday, I'm headlining the Addison Improv. I believe that would be probably the 28th over in Dallas. And then I will be in Honolulu headlining on the 8th, 9th, and 10th ofrov. I believe that would be what, probably the 28th? Yeah, over in Dallas. And then I will be in Honolulu headlining on the 8th, 9th, and 10th

of September. I think that's it. I'll be over here on our tour. I'll be over, yeah. So go to danielvancurk.com. Let's talk about

Burbiggs' show. I'm so excited. First of all, five weeks at the Mark Taper Forum. I don't know if people... I just finished the first week. How was it?

It's awesome. If you go on my Instagram, which is at Burbiggs, you can see the set design designed uh by beowulf borrett who did all five of my shows yes yes he's amazing amazing he did the toy drop in the last show and everything amazing and uh it's just a beautiful honestly like beautiful theater experience about life and death and it's i've had like i had one of those things the other day where this woman came up to me i was a show and she was just like because it goes there with death but it's like

it's a it's also 90 minutes of jokes about it you know what i mean and stories and and and i and this woman came out and she goes like a decade ago like 13 people in my life passed away and within a span of a year it's awful oh my god she's like i haven't laughed like this since then i felt like tonight i was with my dad it would pass wow and I was like honestly

and I'm sure you guys can relate to this it's like it's moments like that where you go like oh yeah yeah it's actually not about me at all

it's literally like if anyone is having an experience that helps them get their thing that's what comedy is for and it's what it's for

for me like when I watch people who I'm a fan of. Absolutely. Can I also say one thing? Sure, go ahead. Here's the thing I will say about why you should go see the show.

Not just because it's a very cool concept and the material is deep and will affect you. There is something about a great stand-up comedian doing a show that has a message because you know it's going to be funny and you know the jokes. I almost want everybody who's ever done a one-man or one-woman show to go watch your shows. We just saw Neil Brennan's one-man show. And I'm like, you guys, go watch this. You won't be able to achieve this because these guys are, like, killers.

It's like when you see someone who has, like, an unbelievable voice. Like, that's comedy is your voice. And then they also play, like, beautiful music on the guitar. Like, okay, there are some people who can play the guitar, but they just don't have that voice. They just don't have the comedy chops. And it takes years to get the chops. So a show like this, they don't come around often, and we need to go see shows like this.

Also, can I just say, like our buddy Alex Edelman, who we love, love, love, you helped produce his show. It's going on in New York right now. It's going on right now. It's extended again. It's extended again. Yeah, yeah. It's through early September.

It's crazy. So theater in L. in LA doesn't come like great theater in LA it does come along sometimes but not as often as it needs to we got one we got one

Mark Taper Forum you can just get tickets either at can you do it on your website burbiggs.com yeah you can go through and knock on wood

I mean I'm going to like Pittsburgh Cleveland Atlanta a bunch of places in the fall Nashville but knock on wood I'll be in New York City in a big I mean, I'm going to like Pittsburgh, Cleveland, Atlanta, a bunch of places in the fall, Nashville.

But knock on wood, I'll be in New York City in a big, cool spot. That'd be great. So let this be the precursor. So you say I saw it here before it went to New York. Before it got on Broadway, off Broadway, wherever it is. I love it. We're going to get people to this show. Let's jump into another story. Let's do it.

Send it by Andy Greenberg at Andy the G. Little Andy Greenberg. Little Andy Greenberg. Little Andy Greenberg. Love that kosher part. Wisconsin man eats his way to Guinness World Record with Big Macs. I would have loved to have seen Wisconsin man eats his way out of a situation. Because we've all, I think all of us. Eats his way out of bad relationships.

Yes, yes. I mean, Burbiggs, you look great. But you will agree, didn't you? You did one of our favorite sketches we ever did on Chief Seats. Super Teams Me. Super Teams Me.

Right after Super Size Me came out. Speaking of Big Macs. Speaking of Big Macs, where Morgan Spurlock ate all this. This guy's in that movie, too. Really? Yes. So ate all of the food.

McDonald's every day for every meal for a month. And then he started having problems. And our sketch was that you started watching all the super teams every day and you just kept throwing up out the window. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Well, the first line in this article is, he's loving it, obviously. Look at this fella.

Look at the New York Post. Look at this fella. Oh, my God. He's just sitting on a bunch of. Wait, what? Is that Photoshopped? What's his goal, though? He just eats Big Macs.

Really? So he's doing the same thing as Spurlock. Right. He's way more committed. Way more committed. Yeah. Well, he's committed to the number. He's not committed to the consistency.

A man from Wisconsin marked the anniversary of chomping down Big Macs almost every day by landing himself a well-earned spot in the Guinness Book of World Records. He has been eating Big Macs for how many years? How many years do you think he's been doing it? Every day. I mean, 10 years? Okay.

Jason? 15 years. How long has a Big Mac been around? 12 years? I'm just kidding. I think 20 years. He has been eating Big Macs. Is a Big Mac good?

I haven't had a Big Mac in a really long time. It's been a while, but it's pretty good. I've had one bite of one ever. Was it good? Rory and I did it because he was like, you've got to, this is crazy. So he brought it to the Red Clay Comedy Festival. So I didn't get it fresh out the oven. Right.

Microwave. Well, is anything fresh out the oven? No. Thank you. Fresh out the microwave sometimes. Okay, fresh out the wave. Fresh out the wave. No, no. Thank you. Fresh out the microwave sometimes. Okay, fresh out the wave. Fresh out the wave. I thought it was fine.

I think burgers in general have surpassed the revolution that was the Big Mac when it happened. Right. So now like there's- In-N-Out burgers are much better than Big Mac. Shake Shack. Yeah, wherever you are you can get a burger. Five Guys. Jay and I got a burger in Montreal recently at a place that was like a restaurant that

was designed like a venice california restaurant and that was one of the best burgers i'd had amazing long all cheval and chicago oh yeah burgers never say die burgers never say die here all right go ahead okay he's been doing lots of other burgers to eat except other than this but he's been doing big macs almost every day for 50 years every day how's he years. 50? Every day? How's he still alive? No way. How's he still alive? Big Mac lover.

Perfect Wisconsin name. Big Mac lover? No. Donald Gorski. Don Gorski. Yeah, Don Gorski. Yeah, you know Don Gorski. Yeah, I know Don Gorski.

He eats a Big Mac every day. He eats one every day. I read that book about Russian Gorski Park. Had it had an erection in 60 years. You know what Don eats? Kettle corn. He hates it. He eats one every day. I read that book about Russia. Hasn't had an erection in 60 years. You know what Don hates? Kettle corn. He hates it. He hates kettle corn.

He hates kettle corn. He hates kettle corn. He hates kettle corn. He hates kettle corn. He hates kettle corn. He hates kettle corn. He hates kettle corn. He hates kettle corn.

He hates kettle corn. He hates kettle corn. He hates kettle corn. He hates kettle corn. He hates kettle corn. He hates kettle corn. He hates kettle corn. He hates kettle corn.

He hates kettle corn. He hates kettle corn. He hates kettle corn. He hates kettle corn. He hates kettle corn. He hates kettle corn. He hates kettle corn. He hates kettle corn.

He hates kettle corn. He hates kettle corn. He hates kettle corn. He hates kettle corn. He hates kettle corn. He hates kettle corn. He hates kettle corn. He hates kettle corn.

He hates kettle corn. He hates kettle corn. He hates kettle corn. He hates kettle corn. He hates kettle corn. He hates kettle corn. He hates kettle corn. He hates kettle corn.

He hates kettle corn. He hates kettle corn. He hates kettle corn. He hates kettle corn. He hates kettle corn. He hates kettle corn. He hates kettle corn. He hates kettle corn.

He hates kettle corn. He hates kettle corn. He hates kettle corn. He hates kettle corn. He hates kettle corn. He hates kettle corn. He made a routine stop at his local McDonald's on Tuesday where he celebrated five decades of daily burger-loving fun. I want to put this in context because as a touring comedian, starting out, I thought, I'm going to try the food of the city. Every city I go to.

I was probably 20 years ago. I went to Kansas City. You city I go to. I was probably 20 years ago. I went to Kansas City. Arthur Bryant's. I went to Arthur Bryant's and I went to a different barbecue spot every day. After five days, it felt like my blood stopped. Five days! Not 50 years!

Everything's slow. You're sludging. I'm going like this and I'm going like, I can't do this why are my arms not moving you lost hearing for like a brief period of time like you couldn't pronounce

certain vowels yeah you're meat drunk that's what it is meat drunk you can't like what the hearing he has a certain metabolism

I think or an immunity that allows for that or like a pathway where it just completely goes straight out yeah yeah yeah he's got a tube he's's got a Big Mac tube.

Away from his heart. Big Mac tunnel? Big Mac shoot? It seemed only fitting. He's got a Big Mac tunnel in the middle of his body. Straight down. Bypasses the intestine. It's a medical anomaly. They come out in the shape of a burger. They just go straight through. It seemed only fitting for Donny Gorski to have a Big Mac in the same McDonald's

he had his first bite of the iconic burger in 1972. There you are. I love that we had a problem with that. In that moment, I said, this is when he had one for the first time, I'm probably going to eat these for the rest of my life. Sure. That's what he told the Guinness World Records.

Gorski smashed the record for the most Big Mac burgers eaten in a lifetime in 1999 after wolfing down a whopping amount. Guinness last year updated the grand total of Big Macs that he has eaten to how many? How many Big Macs do you think he's had since 1972? But who's keeping track of this? He's got a little thing on a wall, and he probably makes a notch. 65 times 5 is like 80,000. 80,000.

I'm going to say 100,000. 80,000. I'm going to say 100,000. 70,000. 32,340. I mean, of course, Don Gorski, he's going to change his habits when he hears about Kevin Hart's plant-based fast food. I'm sure he is. Of course. Wait, Kevin Hart's into that now, too?

Yeah, that's a thing that he announced a few weeks ago. He's just in plant-based. Plant-based fast food. So I think it's like, you know, Beyond Burgers. When's he going to have time to do his internet show celebrity game face? Anyway, continue. In 2004. I think we're involved in a lot of stuff.

Oh, he's got so much more. I literally am. I'm like, Kevin, why are you hustling like us? We have to do this shit. We don't have a choice. This is how we keep our kids in school. He has athletic clothing. You don't got to do this shit anymore.

You don't need to have socks at Target. You guys, I bought a Kevin Hart vacuum the other day. He's got that show where he gets into ice baths with people and does an interview. Honey, where are the Kevin Hart Band-Aids? I nicked my toe. He has his own network, LOL. Oh, you're right. He has a network.

In 2004, Gorski was featured in the Super Size Me documentary for his burger eating efforts. In the docu-film, he said he always orders a cup of Coca-Cola with his Big Mac and rarely eats the fries. A cup of Coca-Cola is like when your grandmother says you look sexy. It's all wrong. It's a cup of flour or a cup of tea. A cup of Coca-Cola is like when your grandmother says you look sexy. It's all wrong. It's a cup of flour or a cup of tea. A cup of Coca-Cola. Feels like you poured that into what you put your detergent into. I think he probably brings his own cup.

It's fine, Don, but we're charging it for a large. Well, it's not the same size. It's only $16. I know, but it's yours, and we can't go through this with you every day, so you just get charged a large. Because yesterday with Debbie, you talked her into a small, but it's yours. It's only $16. I know, but it's yours, and we can't go through this with you every day, so you just get charged a large. Because yesterday with Debbie, you talked her into a small, and it's bigger than a small. But I don't want a large.

You want your own cup, Don? What do you mean, guys? You're ordering a Big Mac? Yeah. You can't say a cup of Coke. It's just a cup of Coca-Cola. Yeah. This guy.

Cup of Coca-Cola. Because if This guy. Cup of Coca-Cola. Because he said a cup of Coke, we'd be like, cocaine? Right. We wouldn't know. Thankfully, he made it clear. Drinks to everyone with a cup of Coca-Cola. To make the moment as special as can be, Gorski's local McDonald's displayed a sign outside the restaurant which read,

Congrats, Don, on 50 years of Mance. That was a manager who was like, I'll put it up there, but I'm doing it the least amount of words possible. Congrats, Don, 50 years of Max that was Amanda who was like I'll put it up there but I'm doing it the least amount of words possible so congrats Don 50 years of Max so can I say this and I'm embarrassed to say this but it was actually really fun I so finally and in a

really cool way billboards went up for our show in Los Angeles and there's one right by the comedy store and there's one on Hollywood and I was with my oldest daughter and her like one of her best I was with my oldest daughter and her, like one of her best friends. They're 17. I'm like,

let's go drive. Let's do some billboard hunting. Let's do some billboard hunting. Let's do the, he called me and I took my son. I was like, come on, let's act like

we've never been there before. Okay, and so I'm like driving around and we, and I just wanted to, and we found the one by the Comedy Store and it was

on the Sunset Strip. That was so cool and it was so great, and then we did this really funny sketch that she wrote, that she was like, and then directed me to do, where she's like, hey, that guy on the billboard kind of looks like you, and then her friend walked by and was like, I don't see it, and then I look back,

and I'm like, no, that's Jason. That was the person. Anyway, so we did it, and that was amazing. My question is, does Don Gorski take people by the sign? Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. This is what he's been living for.

I was living for that moment, and Don Gorski, this is 50 years of me. He's called the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel probably 10 times that day. Does he call this his life's work? Yes. Right. This, right? No, he doesn't work a day in his life when you're eating Big Macs. This is your life work.

You never work a day. His portrait is even hung on the wall inside the restaurant he's been visiting religiously. I'll probably be eating Big Macs every day for the rest of my life, Gorski told the outlet. Throughout his half-century-long love affair with Big Macs, Gorski has missed how many days? How many days do you think he's gone without a Big Mac in 50 years? Five days. Five? 30 days.

50 days. Eight. Eight? Oh, my God. You're on it. You know your man. If it's a story, it's got to be under 10. It's got to be small.

It's got to be under 10. It's got to be eye-popping. 50 in 50 days is one day a year, but eight? To make up for lost time, he sometimes eats two burgers a day. Thank you. I was wondering if he was going to do that. What said no one ever? This is when you realize that

Guinness is a beer. People got drunk and they're like, what are some records? That's what Guinness is. Hey, Jeff, go stand on that thing over there and see if you can see it. How long are your fingernails? Let's make a record out of that. I'm drunk. And you're like, okay, all right.

Quote, when I like something, I stick with it all the time, said the nine-time divorcee. Oh, damn. Joking, I'm joking. Okay, okay. Wouldn't that be crazy? But I think there is something to the story

in relation to like, they talk about these blue zones, right? The parts of the world where people live the longest. Yeah. It's like this guy has his own type of blue zone. Sure. Which is like ritual. Yeah.

Because I think. His body has figured out how to break that down. That's what I'm getting at. And he's not throwing anything else at it to screw up the process. Why is Norman Lear 100? Yes. Because he uses his brain in a funny way and a smart way. That's right. This guy is like he's in his. That's his blue zone. He's out with his brain in a funny way and a smart way.

This guy is like he's in his blue zone. That's his big max. That's his blue zone. Everyone's got their own blue zone. Even people who work out a lot, that's how you plateau because your body does not want to give up its fat. It never knows what it wants to do. So the more you interval and mix things up, the way it stays off balance. If you consistently run five miles every day and don will eventually, and don't change how you eat, you'll eventually start to gain weight

because your body's figured out the most efficient way to run that five miles and keep the most calories. I want to come up with it. His body's like, you just keep giving us the same thing. Well, 50 years, we can break it down. You're not throwing anything else at us. I want to come up with an exercise where everybody wears their clothes backward

and it's just a lot of rhythmic jumping and we call it crisscross fit. Okay. Get out of here. Get out we call it crisscross fit. Okay. Get out of here. Get out. Ask our brothers only for Randy. One of them died, by the way. Okay.

One of those twins died. Since then, he's managed to double the record and then some. As proof of his unprecedented achievement, Gorski keeps each individual burger carton and receipt each time he locks lips with the burger's buns. carton and receipt each time he locks lips with the burgers buns so he has the carton and or wrapper for all 32 000 sickening right how many times has he said to a relationship or the person said it's the burgers or me and then you know he's when i was this is an embarrassing anecdote that maybe doesn't go anywhere uh when i was in college, my freshman year,

I started collecting Coca-Cola cans on my wall for some reason. Sure. It was like probably a couple hundred of them stacked up. From around the world? No. From the gas station. I was drinking them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. From the vending machine.

This is sitting in your Georgetown dorm. Yeah, I'm a freshman in college, and my roommate, who I got along with okay, not to be outdone, but not as a joke, did the same thing on his wall with Chips Ahoy containers. What? That's worse. You guys are weird hoarders. I'm not sure you're getting it. You're stealing my bit, too. You guys are weird hoarders. I'm not sure you're getting it.

You're stealing my bit, too. You're stealing my bit, and it's like yours is kind of gross, and it will attract ants, I think. Yeah. Mine is just a little bit of syrup in the thing. Yeah. I mean, to me, I would consider that. That is a wall of cans. I know.

You stop first. A shield against getting laid. Yes. Wait. Mike, do you remember the day you threw them out? It's a cloak of invisibility. I don't remember the day I- For your penis. Moved on? I don't remember the day you threw him out? It's a cloak of invisibility. I don't remember the day I... For your penis.

Moved on? I don't remember the day I moved out. Although I do remember the day I moved out of freshman year in college because it was a major move and I forgot to pack. And a friend of mine was there with me and I had to catch my flight and I'm like I'm not fully packed and he goes

I'll figure it out and he packed my whole room and it took him like nine hours and he never let me live it down that's a good thing that is

I would never let you live it down I know it's brutal it is I was a younger man doesn't matter it's not something I would do today

he's still calling you to this day you gotta go get these cans these cans I don't want these cans these cans aren't gonna crunch them so I need a ride to the airport you're like I don't even live in your city you're like nine hours nine hours like nine hours you got to pay me back I know going a step further the Burger Fiend boasts a glass case in which he proudly displays McDonald's burger counten's cartons from various decades. Let's see it. Oh, my.

This is like Perpiglia's wall. Yeah, this is like my college. It's like your wall. Coke. And again, he looks like Bill Gates if Bill Gates was nerdier. Oh, my God. That is so funny. He is committed.

He looks like Barry Sobel. Is he doing like a Barry Sobel character? Yeah, he looks a little Barry Sobel. And you guys are Wisconsinites, yeah? Z-Z-Zodia. No, we're east. I'm Northern Illinois. And I'm in Wisconsin a lot

I know you have a close relationship with Madison We love Madison We are St. Louis but Midwest And Milwaukee is the greatest He's wearing an employee shirt Should we be allowed to do that? I feel like all of us We are doing what we feel we are

Singularly born to do And I don't know that i love it as much as this guy oh yeah no you're right but is that a skill eating no it's not a skill but it's just to never give up on it and he you know for one time he's like commitment he's like i skill is commitment that's what his skill is and i do not say this with any negativity i hope it is somebody goes well it's technically still is then i would apologize on some level it's a neurosis right yes it's a neurosis i think and i think like i think it's a good question for jason and randy in relation to this whole like competitive eating like is it a sport is this part well for those people yeah it is physical

endurance it's a physical endurance and it's training your body in ways. They could certainly have the argument with NASCAR drivers. You're just driving. I'm just eating. That takes a large toll on your body. It's an endurance. Soda's eating 75 hot dogs in 12 minutes. I agree. Chestnut choked a guy while still winning the hot dog.

Right. Is basketball a sport? Is LeBron even doing anything different from what I do when I play basketball? You eat hamburgers, LeBron? That anything different from what I do when I play basketball? You eat hamburgers, LeBron? That's a fair question. He does what he does. I do the hamburger.

I go to Dunkin' Donuts. You go to Dunkin' Donuts. He dunks a basketball. Is basketball a sport for somebody who was seemingly born designed to play basketball? Because it's a sport for me. But for him, is it that hard for him to dunk? Do you definitely think he's showed people the wall and is like, so this means I can touch some of the kids at the Ronald McDonald's house, doesn't it?

No. He should get to be Ronald McDonald. He should get to be the clown once, like in a parade or something. Oh, yeah. He should get to be Ronald McDonald. My Uber just arrived. He looks like a character in A Mighty Wind. He does.

He does. He does. Very sheer. He's got gupping vibes. No, but he does. He looks like if you put the aging app on a 10-year-old. Oh, yes. That's what he looks like.

He's got a bowl haircut. He looks like he never grew up. That's who he is.. He's got a bowl haircut. He looks like he never grew up. That's who he is. He looks like Future Will from Stranger Things. If you told me he was a female librarian, I'd be like, yes. Sure. He's got the yellow tie. Right.

That's all McDonald's. That's all McDonald's gear. Right, but is he an employee? No, but he's wearing their employees. They gave him the gear. He's got to be an ambassador. He's got to be an ambassador of some kind. Got to be.

Burger ambassador. All right, that's story number two. I think he has a McDonald's credit card. All right, Dan, give us a little taste of what we're going to hear in story number three. It's short. It's built to run a photo, but it is one of the wildest things you'll ever see on the road. I cannot wait. And Patreon fans.

We're going to hear a story from Mike Birbiglia's new show at the Mark Taper Forum for the next five weeks. I want everyone who listens to this in L.A. to go check it out. Come to L.A. for a vacation and go check it out. This is an epic show, and I will say this. The Mark Taper Forum is one of the coolest theaters in L.A. Ever. In the world. In the world.

For us to see. I mean, it's across the little patio from the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion where they used to have the Oscars every year. It is in a beautiful part of downtown. It is a thrill for us to have a friend who's doing a show there. It's a huge deal. So go see that. He's going to tell a little story for Patreon fans, but only for you. So sign up for our Patreon, but we'll be right back after this.

Stick around. Make it sound. Four more. Dumb People Town. Daniel, take us on. Here we go. Yes. Driver busted with SUV hanging out of U-Haul.

Washington State Patrol. Wait, can you read that sentence? I'm going to show it to you. He's trying. Washington State Patrol trooper John Bryant said he's seen a lot of improperly secured loads in eastern Washington, but nothing like what he witnessed on the road on Sunday. This is it, okay? This looks like you got your chocolate in my peanut butter.

No, no, no. That's going down the road. Which, Big Lee, can we talk about that? Wait, you're telling me it came out? Yeah, but you're not supposed to put a car in a U-Haul. Right, but then it fell out? No, that's how they were driving. Oh, really?

Strapped over the back. He's like, we'll just do this. This wasn't like a cannonball run. I'm trying to do something funny, and then he went. Yesterday, I saw someone driving. This was plan A. Plan A. Passenger seat.

You going to tow it? Driver. Mattress. And they're both holding it with their hands driving, and I go, you cannot go more than 15 miles an hour. So when I was in Bali years ago for my honeymoon, we saw multiple people carrying so many things on mopeds that should have been carried. Oh, yeah. A mattress. Yeah, a ladder and a mattress on top of that and like six monkeys on top of that.

I'm like, this should be on the Balinese flag. It's like a rickety mattress on a moped. A driver in Okanogan County was pulled over and cited after being seen hauling an SUV in a U-Haul trailer, according to State Patrol Trooper John Bryant. The vehicle was hanging out of the back of the trailer, secured with some type of strap. Wow. Some type of strap. I'm sure it was his belt. How are you going to put it in there? Some kind of strap. Oh, some type of strap? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. Don't they know? It's good for a car, right? Yeah, I think so. You could have just some sort of, I don't know, just haphazardly chained the back of any car to the front of this car,

put it in neutral, and you can... It won't close. They don't want the miles on the car. I also think that this story speaks to the reason why you have to be, as they teach you when you're learning to drive when I was in high school, defensive driving. Yes. This is who you're dealing with on the road.

Watch out for this guy who he's going to stop short, and that car is going to be before I'm in Chicago driving to my hometown of Rochelle, Illinois. Hold for applause. And I'm on the interstate, interstate 88, heading west. And I'm behind a car that it obviously was like one of the suburbs. Somebody was moving out to maybe they're going to Iowa. I don't know. And there's me and them on the road, and I'm probably five, six, seven car lengths behind them.

But there's no one in the left lane. And I just thought to myself, for no reason, I go, I'm just going to not be behind them. I'm pretty far. I get over. I'm in the left lane. About 30 seconds later, the futon mattress on the back goes flying up here and goes past me. Wow. That would have been in your windshield.

I would have been hit with a futon mattress at 70 miles per hour. Oh, my God. You're gone. Dan, do you think – You're gone. So let me ask you this. In the spirit of – Just don't go behind anybody.

Let me ask you this for real. In the spirit of Mike Birbiglia's new show, The Old Man in the Pool, which talks about life and death, and I know throughout your entire existence you've talked about things like divine intervention and all that stuff. Do you think that moment was just a coincidence of you being smart? Or do you think somebody, some presence guided your car and hand to be like, I need to go over here? I don't know. I mean, I love that stuff and I'm willing to believe in energy and thought,

you know, somebody loses someone and someone else wakes up in the middle of the night the moment that it happens. Yeah, yeah. But I think I just looked at it and I thought, I don't trust these people. There's probably trust issues. There's probably trust issues. Dan, which is like a central thing for you. Yeah. Trust issues.

I was like, I don't trust this person in front of me and their packing ability. Yeah. I don't like it. I don't like it. Well, this is the dumbest thing I've ever seen, just driving a car in the back. A car in a car. Yeah. Why? It's like a hat on a – we talked about this on comedy. It's like a hat on a hat like it. Well, this is the dumbest thing I've ever seen, just driving a car in the back of a car. A car in a car. Yeah. It's like a hat on a...

We talked about this on comedy. It's a hat on a hat. Yeah. The driver's license was suspended, and the motorist was found to have an outstanding misdemeanor warrant for failing to appear on a court date stemming from another charge of driving with a suspended license. This is out there, people. So wait, he's driving with a suspended license in that car and was like, you know what?

U-Haul gave me a... They don't carry U-Haul. I a license. They don't carry you at all. I doubt he was the driver they gave it to. The U-Haul rental was long overdue and was nearly reported as stolen before it was stopped, according to Officer Bryant. Wait, that's weird. They didn't return the U-Haul rental truck on time? These people feel like the type of people that would get it. They feel very responsible.

Both the trailer and the SUV, which was not in working order, believe it or not, were impounded. Anytime a WSP trooper sees potentially unsafe situation on public roadways, the trooper will investigate. We have seen a lot of improperly secured loads, especially in Eastern Washington. I don't know what that means. Improperly secured loads is definitely your next show. I have not seen or heard anything like this before. The driver was cited for failure to secure a load. And just for fun, how much was it? Where they find? Yeah. what do you think they were fined? Just for fun. I'm going to say grand. $9. $2,000.

Okay. $3,600. $139. That's it? That's it? Wow. Dude, that's kind of worth it. Kind of makes you want to do it again.

It's kind of worth it. It's like when you're going to a concert or a sporting event, and they're like, how much is a ticket if I illegally park here? And they're like, $50. It's like, fuck it. Just park here. It's closer. It's the cost of parking.

Closer and better. Now, I don't know Dan and maybe this happened again something in my brain says that we actually did that story on patreon it's telling no really I'd have done that but it doesn't matter I didn't I don't think the jokes are new or maybe I look at that story I tweeted this yesterday let's hear it passenger find eighteen hundred and seventy four dollars after two undeclared McMuffins found in luggage. Whoa!

And I wrote, it could happen to any of us. Guys, just, and someone just wrote, good looking out. Yeah, yeah. Good looking out, Burbiggs. Good looking out. The name of the show is Old Man in the Pool. It is fantastic. That's a Mark Taper Forum in Los Angeles.

It is so amazing. Go see it. And when it comes to near your region, city, wherever you are, it's worth the effort. I'm all over the Midwest in the fall. Great. So check it out at Burbiggs.com. Burbiggs.com. Burbiggs.com.

And also Burbiggs on all social media. Just follow, follow, follow. I never try to win a snake. I love it. And oh shit, guys, we've dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb