Dumb People Town - Mike Bridenstine - Goose Is Loose

Episode Date: March 5, 2024

Comedian and author Mike Bridenstine (The Perfect Amount Of Wrong) stops by as Randy explains why an airport worker stripped naked and started doing pushups, Daniel describes a wedding shop that closed forever due to a spider, and Jason tells the story of Thomas the bisexual, polyamorous goose, and so much more! Thanks to our sponsor: Faherty! Faherty Brand is offering 20% off your first order when you enter the promo code 20DPT at checkout. 

Thank you. So listen to our podcast jam with co-host Armand Dan. Vendors, don't be a jerk. We spread the music. Wish the money hits. We are gonna take you down. Stick around. Make a sound. Come here down.

It's Dump People Town. Hey, I'm all in on Faraday's well-crafted clothes and laid-back vibes. I love it. And if you're new to the brand, you've got to check out their movement collection. Faraday is a family-built, values-driven brand that crafts clothes for life's great moments, whether that's an all-day surf session, a road trip with your family, or a bonfire on the beach. For listeners of this show, Faraday Brand is offering 20% off your first order when you enter the promo code 20DPT at checkout. Go to FaradayBrand.com slash DPT. That's FaradayBrand.com slash DPT and check them out.

Hey, Taddies. Welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Bridenstine. Mike Bridenstine III. Are you the third of a long line of Bridenstine? That's correct, yes. Why would I not be?

Well, I'm sorry. You come from a long line of Bridenstine. What am I holding up? We'll talk about it later. I don't want to talk about it. Perfect amount of wrong? That introduction was the perfect amount of wrong, and that's the name of his book about the rise of the alternative comedy scene on the north side of Chicago. We'll get into it later. Yeah, but the perfect amount of wrong really

could also describe this podcast. Dumb people town. There's so much wrong. Dumb behavior. Perfect. Dumb people doing dumb things. It's dumb to have two penises and make a big deal about it. That was in another episode. Shall I get into my first story? It's sent in by Matthew Friedman. At NotYourAverageABGMatt.

You ready for this? Yes. Quote. It starts with a quote in the headline. Gotta wait till you get home! Shocking moment. Phoenix airport worker strips naked in the middle of baggage claim and then does push-ups oh this is your thing again you know i can't learn well

shocking moment when phoenix airport worker strips naked in the middle of baggage claim and then does push-ups that's a flex a literal A literal flex. Thank you, Mike. See, that's why I was like, wait, it can't be a worker, but I heard that word in there. We'll get into it. Baggage claim is also the most... Where would you rank it in annoying parts of airport? Jay and I went to the baggage claim down into the artery of it at O'Hare Airport.

It's like insane. It's crazy. For United States of America. Unbelievable. Do you guys do check much? I check almost all the time. You guys check when you have a lot of merch? We check when we have for United States of America. Unbelievable. Do you guys do check much? I check almost all the time. You guys check when you have a lot of merch? We have merch. Never.

You never check? I don't bring enough to check. Every airport is... Houston Hobby, they have... And they say it. We have no idea which belt it's coming to. When they get here, they tell us. I was in Denver.

The people had to go and look at the things coming down to see which flight it was. And then you go to some airports, like Midway,'re like tracker they just know so bag what baggage is already rife with anger is when a man was arrested after he stripped naked in the middle of baggage claim before he ran around screaming and then did push-ups i mean this could be a new workout that oversized baggage his i don't know package i say typical day at spirit air right yeah right yeah he appeared to work that's weird at phoenix sky harbor international airport which we've all been to you might not have you work here you should never appear to work it's like when you accidentally wear a blue polo to best buy

everyone's like or a red polo i need a yeah like i need a zip drive i'm like i'm just here mike how do you describe your style i look like a baggage person at phoenix sky harbor international airport well somebody said do you work here and he's like not only no but watch this can you imagine if that was the casting breakdown and you're like how do i dress for this well you take all the clothes off if you do this uh eventually tackled to the ground by a police officer and another staff member someone Someone who appeared to be a police officer. Right. And appeared to be a staff member.

What if this is just a giant improv? Yeah. Man, I don't want to tackle a naked person. Man, woman. He'd sweep his leg and he'd try to put a foot in his back. The ordeal lasted for about how long? Oh. Are we counting first article of clothing?

Do you think? I don't know. Naked. We're coming at a very slow trip. It doesn't say. From strip to tackle. Yeah, no, I'm saying. I say.

Strip to tackle. 15 minutes. By the way, from strip to tackle could be like. Yeah, like for the Bass Pro Shops. To compete with Bass Pro Shops. From strip to tackle. Soup to nuts. We've got it all from strip to tackle.

From strip to tackle. All right. How long did it take? You said 15 minutes. How long do you think, Mike? Too long. Yes. 35 seconds. You said 15 minutes. How long do you think, Mike? Too long. Yes. 35 seconds.

Jay? 45 minutes. Get your answers in, Townies. It took four minutes. Oh, God. And was filmed by a shocked passenger at the airport who updated it on social media. Thank you. You ever been in public when someone gets naked?

The whole thing doesn't last very long, but everyone notices immediately. It's like your first time doing stand-up. Four minutes feels like four hours. It feels like a lifetime. And you feel naked. Right. And you your first time doing stand-up it form it is feels like it feels like a lifetime and you feel naked right and and you're probably not doing unless it's san francisco then you're like this is going on way too long right he then walked around baggage claim walked i mean confidently with the old johnson i'd be like you got a tag for that did you check that through you're gonna have to check that and he's like it's oversized look no it isn't, actually.

It'll fit perfectly. It'll fit in the overhead compartment. You could have carried that on. That's right. That's a personal item. That's right. That can go under the seat in front of you. He was walking around with a bag of slaves before he eventually confronted,

he was confronted and restrained. In the video, the man is seen hitting the ground before he gets up, throws his green vest away. So he had a green vest. That's the part. Appeared to be a worker. Removes his belt, takes off his shorts. See, this is where, you know, in Phoenix specifically,

when you wear shorts to work, and this is why I never liked when the flight attendant saw Southwest, I feel like you're so much closer. Because if he had to take pants off, you got to walk off. Yeah, and the shoes. Takes longer. You can go shorts over. Yeah yeah you could drop shorts over you're just one step closer to being

naked right you know you may have a lot of cargo depending on that's right he has heard screaming in distress as he gets on the floor and he lays down completely naked can you imagine just waiting for your bags while this is happening i mean what did yours not come through you got to go to the luggage i mean like i can't hear you there's a screaming naked there might be a part of me that is way more unfazed than i normally would be because i'm like i just need my fucking bag that's right just whatever is going on over there just make sure it doesn't go to make sure it doesn't come near belt eight look he took his belt his belt off. That's right. My thing is like, I'd be there with my kids, and I'd be like, just don't look at him.

Just don't. Right. The man proceeds to walk around the airport and says, this is what he says, I wasn't crazy. Time is a virtue, guys. I kind of believe him there. Time is a virtue. Okay, so this is like a true detective.

That's right. Then he gets on the, it's a carcosa. Carcosa. My dick's a flat, sir. It is now. He then gets on the, it's a carcosa. My dick's a flat circle. Well, it is now. He then gets on the ground and starts doing some pushups while grunting before he lays back on his back and starts thrusting upwards and says, fuck me. All right.

That's when we lost. Wow. You know what else he loved? Time is a virtue. I love you, mama. Really? He shouts before he starts screaming again and walking around the airport. Man is seen being restrained.

He's not coming back, bro. Yeah. Police officer still tries to climb onto a luggage belt. So the new jackass is really taking it. He then gets on his knees and is instructed to lay down on the ground, but he gets up, pushes the officer and says, bitch, get the fuck away from me.

Wow. How bad do you want to be arrested and tased he's then seen aggressively walking towards another airport staff member while shouting make the fucking call to me he wants to get taste make the call what does that mean could you imagine guys you call the cops elana phoenix you're doing stand-up life this is the first 15 minutes of your for as good as you land in Phoenix, you're doing stand-up life. This is the first 15 minutes of your set. For as good as you guys can riff, people like, this is,

if you're not a comic that has to have it all written down. Dan, this would be your whole set. I guarantee you, I could do a whole set. Oh, this story? If you saw this? If this happened to me,

yeah, this, oh my God, because you know me too, also I'd have been like, let me help tackle. Oh, Dan, so here's this. Both the officer

and the employee combined to tackle him to the ground before they begin to struggle. A third person in a white top. What does that mean? What does that mean? Walks over to help the naked man down who's heard screaming and trying to break free. Another police officer is seen rushing over to help the man.

He's put in handcuffs. Officers radioed for backup before the video was cut off. The video, which is uploaded to Reddit, was met with lots of reactions by users sympathizing with the man, which I kind of sympathize with him a little bit. Well, he is having a manic break. He is. But on some level, once it gets violent and stuff, you have to contain that. And then you hopefully, when you want to, you can get it.

And I'm hoping for the best. Neutralized. Then you can go, all right, buddy, let's settle down. Let's get you back on your meds. I mean, this is crazy. This is where I'm like, okay, Reddit got it right here i feel terrible for him but i feel terrible for him i hope he gets some help uh and whatever is effective another one says wow i feel so bad for this guy poor dude just need some help sure hope he gets it and try and put the

pieces back together but first put his dick in his pants no i said that i was like that was a really good uh third this is genuinely upsetting to watch and therefore says it was so hot today at work i kind of felt like doing this oh shut up you said gotta wait till you get home my dude i have never i've been in 116 degree i think that might be the hottest weather yeah i mean you i've never been oh let me take it let me take all my clothes like it's never like that'll help here and in actuality i think in like desert climates and stuff that's way worse for you right you imagine if you step on asphalt in a barefoot or get sunburned

on you live in the desert wear a lot of clothes yeah yeah someone's just around the pool in vegas where it's like a hundred you know the static man. People who work outside. People who work outside all day long wear long sleeve shirts, buttons to the top, a massive hat, and jeans. The airport is not confirmed if the man is an employee, but he's going to work there now, you guys. You can find him at Starbucks in Terminal 3. Dailymail.com has contacted them for comment, but no, nothing. There you go. First story down in the books He got naked, he did push-ups

He gets in the baggage claim and that's how he'd do it Who's got the next one? DVK's got it, we'll come right back And we'll tell you what we have going on And then we'll find out What book? This book? You're talking about the perfect amount of wrong?

I'm going to hold it like this We'll talk about that on the other side of wrong? I'm going to hold it like this. We'll talk about that on the other side of the break. It's Dumb People Town. Mike Bridenstine. We'll be right back. Hey guys, welcome back to the show. Before we get into the second segment, we want to let people know, I'm not sure exactly when this drops, but beginning of February, we're going to be at Comedy Works in the South club in denver that's fun let's fill that shit we want all sold out

shows uh and then we will be at mark ridley's comedy castle first weekend in march that's the first place we ever performed in detroit in detroit on february 5th also we've got a big show here at largo a big tag it show um i think sarah's going to be on that show sarah silverman i think zach alphanakis is going to be on that show not that show because i know you booked it up but i want to come back and do tag it again you have to do we haven't done it since your first comedy store come and do the story i've got to build all this new material i think february 21st we're at this yeah so let's do that uh and then minneapolis beginning of april and then moon tower middle of april so we got a lot of great fun stuff ahead. Please come see us. Great stuff. We've enjoyed seeing big groups of people

come out to our shows, and it's been a blast. Superscars. Superscars.com, check it out. And now let's talk about this book, The Perfect Amount of Wrong. If you are a comedy lover, you will devour this book. I don't think a lot of people know about this, that this era of comics in Chicago

became this incubator for some of the biggest names in comedy today and film and television yeah it always blows people's mind when i tell them who came out they don't know it and the circumstances that kind of you wrote this hannibal burris hannibal burris pete holmes pete holmes kumail nanjiani kyle kaneen tj miller that's right john roy john roy bronger bronger cameron esposito beth stelling and then nate bergazzi also who's not on the cover but right right and it's funny i think of nate as a new york comic but still like he did he was chicago yes so there is just and we were coming to chicago and doing shows and all these other we're like the what was the lake lakeside like shore theater just laugh factory now laugh we did the main stage remember that place it was up by no no well we did up

main stage was up near the north or something like that yeah and then we did a few others but is chicago is a great town so is it sort of like how do you describe the format of is it just sort of like here's a history an oral history I started kind of talking to people about it. What happened was I heard like different podcasts and people trying to tell the history. And I was like, they're not talking to any of the people who know. And so I,

I, it was during COVID. I had never written a book before, but I thought I would give it a shot. And like, it's, it was interesting to me. It got more impossible that this happened.

The more I talk to these people. Because stand-up in the early to mid-90s in Chicago was dead. All of the clubs except Zany's on the north side had closed. Stand-up was not cool. Improv. Improv was king. Second City was the king of the world. Everybody knew it.

Stand-up was lame. There was nowhere to perform. So all of these people also had to invent a scene and by going to bars and being like can we come here on monday and do a thing it's such a testament just to wrap it up quick but and you tell me wrong but it's such a testament to what you guys do and i see you say this to comics on the road if they're in a really super small market where you're like, don't go straight to New York, don't go straight to like, you need to go somewhere.

You need to even go to a Minneapolis, a Houston, a Chicago, a DC, a Denver, a Portland, and like find your people. And yeah,

you're all going to be like, man, we're not doing the huge things or whatever. It doesn't matter. You're doing it with people with where you're at. You're learning and you're growing. Good as they're good. And you good and it's like these are people that were in a city where it didn't have a scene none of them the only people who knew these names was each other right

right then you right you're that too obviously and and yeah and you you just did it and built it and then eventually yes people did go to new york some people did and when you do go to new york or la you have a bunch of people. You have a crew. Yeah. That's right. Perfect amount of wrong. Get it anywhere?

Amazon? Amazon. Let's do Amazon. Great. Okay. Perfect amount of wrong. All right, Daniel, let's jump in. Yes.

Ready? Where can people follow you really quick? I'm at Mike Bridenstine on Instagram. There you go. All right. Wedding dress shop closed forever due to spider forever my daughter's so afraid of spiders i like kind of sent in by carly mcdermott at she v carlene one spider closed the shop can i tell you my friend juan who i love more than anything

juan duenas bought us like a Christmas gift, our family, these two bug zappers that look like tennis rackets. Do you know what these things are? Tennis racket bug zapper? It's the greatest thing in the world because you can just go outside and just start like whacking mosquitoes. And we had like the crazy spider in our house

or some whatever, a spider fly with a tennis racket to it. And I hope he looked at you and was like, that it bro? No. And it went and it started like smoking and we were like and my kids were cheering and I'm like I can't cheer the smoking of a spider.

And then it got huge and you created a super villain. Oh god, this is an origin story. I mean, we've had stories going way back. I remember we had a story of someone trying to kill a spider in their house and they burnt the whole thing I remember we had a story of someone trying to kill a spider in their house. Oh, with a flamethrower. And they burnt the whole thing down. Yeah, yeah. They burnt their whole house down trying to kill a spider.

Oh, my God. Yes. We've had it. Spiders freak people out. Okay. A wedding dress shop owner has vowed to shut her store forever after finding a huge spider roaming wild inside. At least she wrote her down.

Roaming wild. Calm down. Roaming wild. Call an exterminator and say, deal with this. This is the spider. Let me see. For scale, you can see it on that. It's probably, what, three inches for scale on that curtain?

Is it hanging like a? So that's a zoom in, right? And then that's a. It's a big spider. That's a big spider. I mean, that spider's got, like, if you were on the show alone, you'd be like, I got dinner. Well, they don't fly. Yeah, Dan.

You put a cup over it. I mean mean to me if you're really being ridiculous throw the drapes away you know what i mean cut them down throw it away right right the store does no longer the carpet doesn't match the spider there you go on the drapes this sounds like one of those stories like a lot of stores will close like a famous like a cake spot just closed and you do a little bit of digging and they're like oh minimum wage went up a dollar. Right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, these people, no spiders. Minimum fear went up a dollar. Belinda Blanchard. Belinda Blanchard. BB? B squared. Some people are made to be the name in a children's book.

Belinda Blanchard. She's the mean teacher. Yeah, that's the mean teacher in an old man's book. It's like a woman who designs clothes for old women. Is that a Belinda Blanchard? Is that a Belinda Blanchard? She designs bro a woman who designs clothes for old women. Is that a Belinda Blanchard? Is that a Belinda Blanchard? She designs brooches. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Is that a Belinda Blanchard brooch? That's a Blanchard brooch. Front window at Chico's. Yeah. Belinda Blanchard. I love your Chico's bit. That was an old one. Said it was, quote, a normal day before she caught the eight-legged critter crawling around

her window display in Stockport Greater Manchester last week. I mean, it will freak people out. The mum of four, who owns Lovelace Bridal Boutique, said the animal... She loves alliteration. Why that's in quotes. Not an animal. Barbara Blanchard.

I guess it is, but why in quotes? Can't you call an exterminator to get rid of it? She's from England? Do they not have that? It's so big, you would have... How they not have that it's so big you would have how big is it it's so big it's so big you would have heard it walking no shut up shut up that you don't know how loud you can't even hear a cat walk you can't hear a dog walk most of the time okay this is just a person who doesn't know about spiders right you could hear it walking yeah i can hear it walking she also

has been unable to sleep since and and after five years she sleep at the store yeah jesus she's also been unable to sleep since and after five years of trading the businesswoman is set to shut her shop for personal reasons the spider being one of them oh my god which makes me also feel like we've opened the chest here and we move the spider and you go, oh, so there's all this stuff. I also hate people who are getting married. Yeah, exactly. I am a lonely person who can't deal with conversation.

Oh, the internet has killed retail clothing shops. Yeah, exactly. The spider appears. But a bridal shop, you still have to go in. That's the one thing you can't try it on i mean try it on they gotta make alterations but you but i guarantee we all would assume that there is a handful of online wedding where they send it to you you try it on you like a whole you can do a colonoscopy through the mail you know oh hell yeah i'm the guard homo she's been i'm out of

sleep the spider appearing makes me think that this was the right time. It was the final straw. Cut to the spider being like, don't put this on me. I ain't here closing businesses. I'm not here because the universe sent me. I'm here to eat some motherfucking lace. Maybe you take care of your fly problem and I'll go somewhere else. Right.

I'm solving other problems for you. There's too much food here for me. Yes. Done and dusted. I'm solving other problems for you. There's too much food here for me. Yes. Done and dusted. I'm now leaving. We've got a massive closing down sale this month. Okay. Going out of business.

That's what this is for. That's what this is about, Dan. That's what this is about. Come see the spider and buy yourself a dress. Adver newsment. Adver newsment. Whoever gets the shop after us can deal with all the monsters down in the cellar. That.

What are you doing down there? There's a gimble in a fucking box. But there's got to be a TV show about like Exterminator who goes in and goes to all the gross stuff. Oh, for sure. Sure. If it's not, it should be a show. It is. Whoever gets the shop can deal with the monsters.

Pictures show the spider hanging, as we showed and we'll show online, hanging from a white drape in the window lurking in the shadows. Belinda said it was the size of her hand. I don't... Belinda, she's... Maybe she's got tiny hands. Maybe can't measure things. Remember, she also thought you could hear it walking around. The size of her hand with a frame so large it could

have been wearing one of the dresses. Stop it. Okay. She's like, all of which are on sale at our closing sale. We're having a spider sale, y'all. She does not know what breed the critter was, although she has been told. Also, shout out Critters. Great movie. Although she has been told it may have been a giant house spider.

So nothing. Absolutely nothing. House spider. House spider. Never even heard of that. Yeah, but doesn't it feel like those aren't poisonous? You don't get something named house if it's going to kill you it sounds like a made-up classification whenever someone's like we've got house wine i'm like don't drink it nope no it's a generic spider i actually took

house peyote before oh really really this do you try do you try the house molly it's really good and of her trauma try molly and then you listen to house music also can i tell all restaurants uh you can call it tap if you want i'm still gonna drink it trying to make it seem like it's less desirable because you said the word tap when you gave me the water option we can drudge you up some tap water you want that yep yes i do drip is also disgusting for coffee it's like drip drip of her trauma belinda said i Belinda said, I've not slept since. I'm not joking. I don't even like going down to the cellar in the shop.

Mind you, the picture seems to be not in a cellar. Now I'm aware that there are spiders down there. Are you just realizing a life force? It's making my skin crawl going down there to get a dress. I've been shaking every dress for each appointment this week. Probably not a bad idea. Yeah. Anyway.

But why are you keeping your dresses down there? If it's in the cellar, she added, no, no word of a lot. There's a quote, no word of a lie. If it had been on the floor,

you would have been able to hear it walking. I've never been so frightened of an animal in my life. And if it's on the floor, it takes 70% off on the floor. It's 20. Imagine her on safari. Sure. Mind would melt.

Uh, I didn't, I didn't give it permission to be in my shop, and it certainly didn't have an appointment. This is dumb people town. Shut up, lady. Shut up. If you say it in a British accent, does it sound kind of smarter? It didn't give it permission to be in my shop, and it certainly didn't have an appointment.

I don't like it, do I? Do I? After the initial shock of finding the unwelcome guest, Belinda raced to the shop door to call for help. She said the spider would have been too big to shift herself, and she knew she needed backup. Thankfully, a passerby, somebody just going to feed the meter,

was able to assist with Belinda explaining he walked in, took one look at it and went, quote, bloody hell, it's massive. I retrieved him a big glass and handed it to him. I watched him remove it. I needed to make sure it vacated the building. So this also seems, this is all nothing. To me, if I were him, just to piss her off, I'd put it in the glass and then drop it in the cellar.

Oh no, he did not do that. He took it all the way around the back and put it in the glass and then drop it in the cellar yeah oh no he did not do that he took it all the way around the back and put it in some bushes i wanted it as far away from the shop as possible it's coming right back to the bushes is not far enough dude i didn't want it knocking on the door trying to get back in okay she added we've had the shop for just over five years it's pretty good run yeah it's mainly personal reasons that we were closing i had a few brides who came in that day saying is it still here once i told them stop telling people stop i'm saying why you're going out of business you're not good at sales relationships yeah what is downplay the bad stuff is that a spider up there yeah it's halloween decorations whatever don't look i said no i wouldn't be here if it still was i would have canceled appointments

it's understood that the spider was removed safely without harm. Just a dumb woman. I was a normal spider. Could have harmed it. I wouldn't have cared. Give us a taste of what we're going to hear. I mean, there's a love triangle that I'm loving it. That might as well be isosceles or scalene.

We'll come back and we'll hear what Dan's got going on. Mike Bridenstine's with us. Got a new book out. The Perfect Amount of Wrong, about the Chicago alternative comedy scene in the 90s. So cool. Pick it up. We'll be right back. I want to talk about Faraday clothes because I'm wearing it right now.

So am I. I live in these clothes. I love them. They're so great. They merge comfort and style like no other brand that I know. Randy and I were fans even before they started advertising and sponsoring the show. And we tried to bring them in because we're like, we support you guys. I've worn you on television because it looks great.

I've worn you in our lives because it feels great. That's what their clothes do. And I find a new collection of stuff every time. So I love the Legend sweater shirts and stuff that are just amazing. I love the- Everything is made to look great, but feel really good.

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Faradaybrand.com. And I think that people don't buy enough stuff for themselves. Like get a new shirt, put a new something in the rotation, take somebody you love out to date, go hang out with a friend. Or if somebody in your life you're like, got to get a gift for. This is the best thing ever. Give them a gift card or just pick one of these things out. Faraday's so cool.

Like exchanging your stuff and getting something back is super easy, but their movement collection is dope. It is dope. And for our listeners right now, in listeners of the show, Faraday brand is offering 20% off your first order. When you enter the promo code 20 DPT at checkout, go to Faraday brand.com slash DPT.

That's F A H E R T Y B R A N D.com slash DPT and That's F-A-H-E-R-T-Y-B-R-A-N-D dot com slash DPT. And check them out. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Don't People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to the show. Randy had to step out really quick, but we're going to bring it home.

We're going to bring this on home. Here's the headline. It's sent in by. You better carry that side of the room. Let's not do names at. Yeah. No, let's not. Oh, this person's been around for a while.

They send in stories every once in a while. I love them. Here's the headline. Okay. Blind, bisexual and polyamorous goose involved in love triangle with two swans dies. And we're going to tell you at what age. Wait, it's too many things. What?

A blind, bisexual goose who was involved in a love triangle with two swans has died. And we'll guess the age later. Can he be bi and poly? I don't know how this works. Yeah. It actually would help you with your poly.

Okay, great. It gives you more options. Yeah, it does. All right, cool. The bird named... Probably a lot of fun as long as everybody's about bored and, you know...

Consensual. Yeah, just feelings too. You want to take a stab at what this bird's name is? I mean, and it's like... Variety? No. Polly.

Close. Not at all, actually. Polly wants a quacker? Thomas. Thomas. You simply must meet Thomas. Segregated himself from other geese several years ago, instead swanning off with a black male called henry hold on if i had guessed that what

would have would you guys have why do we have to bring up his that the fact that he's black like that's what so he's in the black picture they're just painting a picture he's in a black dudes um they were lifelong mates for how many years okay so so swanee thomas gets with henry how many years were they mates oh is it newsworthy if it's less than a year no i think a long time swans mate for life yeah oh then five but wait one of them's a goose i'm so confused it's a goose and a swan i don't know and what's the goose's name thomas come on dan i'm doubting and doubting thomas okay 11 years whoa i'm going under what do you say five okay how about 24 years see these fuckers these fuckers love dude listen i'm learning that's why it's the whole like neck the heart this one yeah even when henry fell for another swan called henrietta and that's okay

so he's not into black dude who's naming these while most would have ended the relationship not thomas okay instead he stayed by henry's side and even helped raise the pair's signets Until Henry died in what year? It was a little, a few years back. 2016. 2020. 2009. Oh. Four years later, Thomas went to the Wellington. Obama won.

Wellington Bird Rehabilitation Trust Sanctuary, where they tried to get the gay out of him. No. Oh. The Mike Pence Bird Sanctuary? Yeah, it is. We're going to fight it out of you. In New Zealand, where he went blind. Who went blind? The geese? Thomas. Mike Pence bird sanctuary? Yeah, it is. We're going to fight it out of you. In New Zealand, where he went blind.

Who went blind? The geese? Thomas. Mike Pence. Mike Pence. On Tuesday, WBRT sadly announced Thomas' death, posting the news of it on its Facebook page, because they're like the cops.

Because there's a whole group of people invested in these, the lives of these animals. Which bird do you fucking know? That's what we want to know. Bird watcher Mick Perrier. This is the guy who's keeping track this is the guy this is the guy who's keeping the receipts uh who knew thomas he's with her she's with him right he goes bird watcher mike per year who said he knew thomas oh i know him you don't know him you don't know him you know of him. Sure.

Said his epic love story was something that should be celebrated. Speaking to Stuff, he said, I guess Stuff is a magazine. Stuff magazine. Yeah. He said, quote, prior to Henrietta turning up, they had about how many happy gay years together? Okay. Wait, so 24 with Thomas is the goose. i'm still i need red yarn right henry died into i it's thomas looks up the goose 24 and say that question again how many gay happy years did

thomas and henry have together isn't it 24 no 24 is when henry died i thought you said they were together for 24 years um hold on. At the top. Oh, they were lifelong mates for 20. Oh, then why did they change this? What does it say? Oh, this is prior to Henrietta. Okay. Oh, how many years did they have together? And then he stayed with her.

Stayed with her for 24 years. So how many like solid, just straight up gay years did they have together? I don't know how long these birds live. 15. Five. I'll keep it with five. 18 years. God, this is, how long? 18 live. Fifteen. Five. I'll keep it with five. Eighteen years. God, this is...

How long? Eighteen years. What, are you going to leave? According that... Adding that when Henry died, Henrietta just flew off with another bird. Leaving Thomas. Woman. But poor old Thomas was left on his own.

Thomas is being laid to rest next to Henry during a public ceremony. I like that. I like that, too. This is 100% front page news in dumping town. We'll get out of here on this. How old was this blind, bisexual, polyamorous goose named Thomas? You got 18 years. Okay, so they're together 24 years.

24 years together. The last six of which. He's now in a triangle. He's in a triangle. This goose is 60 years old. And then he dies. You say 60? Yeah.

All right. And then Henrietta leaves and says, fuck you. I was here for Henrietta. Flying off for another bird, right? I just put it up with you. 375 years old. I love that this is a full-on Pixar movie. This is.

This is up. It will be. This is up. Although you heard Bob Iger. He's like, we're not doing any identity movies anymore. We're not going to get into identity politics. OK. I was like, OK, Bob. any identity movies anymore. We're not going to get into identity politics. Okay. I was like, okay, Bob.

Everyone has an identity. We all have identities. Good luck. That's a stated identity, if you think about it, Bob. I'm going to go 27 years. 27 years. Thomas held on for three more years without Henry. That is if his relationship with Henry started when he was born.

Oh, you're right. Fuck. Dan, you want to change it? He's saying 60. What are you saying? 37. 37. Get your answers in at home.

Get this book, The Perfect Amount of Wrong. Whole story about the alt comedy scene in Chicago on the north side. It's early to mid 2000s it's really if you love comedy this is a book for you get on Amazon Mike Bridenstine thank you for joining us thank you for having me and Thomas was 40 years old 40 40 when he passed look I hope I lived to 40 uh all right a lot of love in that life it's a lot of love in that life and you got

it from all sides we love you buddy, buddy. Thanks for being here. And oh, shit, we got to get back to work.