Dumb People Town - Mike Carrozza - Coming Out of The Casket

Episode Date: October 16, 2020

This week Mike Carrozza comes to town to hang with Daniel, Jason and Randy to hear about a coffin confessor (??) that reveals some of the most odd messages his clients request.

Star Pains Avenue Hey townies, welcome to a Friday episode of Dumb People Town. Population here. Population Carrozza. Mike Carrozza. Welcome to the show, brother. How are you? Thank you. I'm doing great. This is so much fun. Dude, it's going to be a blast. This is international. It's great to have you on, man. I haven't seen you since Toronto last year. Yeah, like almost exactly a year ago. Yeah. Well, you got a new album out. We'll talk about it a little bit on a label that we

truly love. And you're up in Canada. How's it going up in Canada these days? Oh, bud, let me tell you something. It's going a little chillier. It's a little chillier these days. Go ahead. I'm wearing my hoodie, buddy. I got my hoodie on. I'm ready to go. I'm happy. I'm happy with the chill. Is the chill chilling out some of the dumb? I feel like Canada's handling the pandemic better than everybody else. Am I right or wrong? Absolutely, yeah. Canada's doing a lot better than the States,

but we do have our fair share of real, real dummies. We had the chainsaw story. Those people were having anti-mask rallies, and those guys in Toronto came running out with chainsaws at a park. That feels like a lifetime ago. Truly does.

It's crazy. Yeah. It was basically, what, a month ago at this point? Yeah. I really couldn't tell. I mean, Toronto, I walked into my first anti-mask rally leaving work the other day. And that's when I was like, yeah, I think I just got to go home. I can't do this right now. There's no safe

comedy. I moved here for comedy. There's no way. Oh my God, that's crazy. So we really do believe that the world may be getting dumber. I don't know if you think so. What do you think? Is it getting dumber or are we just more hip to all the dumbness? I think we're catching

up to how dumb it's always been and I think it's getting dumber for sure. I think it's getting dumber for sure. Yeah. I think it's getting dumber. Combo both. It's the global dumbing, like global worm. Well, we get stories sent to us and we have a great one and we want to get into it with you right now. Daniel, let's do it.

This was a contender for a live show. So you know it's a good story. Yeah. It's just spicy. It's crazy. There's elements to it where I was like, is this real? But I think it is real. I've tried to look into it. Even if it's not real, the comedy is spicy. It's crazy. There's elements to it where I was like, is this real? But I think it is real. I've tried to look into it.

Even if it's not real, the comedy is real. There you go. It was sent in by our dear friend, Carlene McDermott. She be Carlene. I know. She be Carlene. Thank you. Here we go.

Ready? I said she be Carlene. I said you be Carlene. I tweeted at her and she's like, I do. I do be Carlene. I'm going to read you the headline. Coffin coffin confessor reveals the most outrageous things he's had to tell grieving relatives at funerals coffin confessor

hit the right part that's i said the same thing coffin confessor is he a coughing confessor or a coffin these days you don't want to be around people who are coughing coffin confessor c-o-f-f-i-n gets paid to gate crash funerals at the request of the dead, has revealed the most outrageous things he's had to tell grieving relatives. So you're dead. You're about to die. You pay for a service of someone to then show up and talk shit about you. No, no, not talk shit about you. But to say something to the group.

Yes. Okay. Bill Edgar was a private first name. That's your job. That's exactly it. Sounds like a Coen Brothers character. That's right. Absolutely. Bill Edgar was a private investigator until an elderly man asked him to step in

at his funeral three years ago and call out his best friend for quote trying to screw his wife how is this any different than mike airman trout on uh you know what i mean yeah yeah yeah so this guy essentially though this dude was did he screw your wife no but he tried to once and i've hated him for it ever since and i've kept him as my best friend but after i'm dead i want you to come to my funeral call his ass out right it's not even that this is something that he's done before no he was just like i'm picking you something about you yes you need to deliver this message you have the ability to piss off a lot of people your dream finds you guys the gold coast man this is all from the daily

mail it takes place in austral, I believe, has since made a thriving business divulging his dead clients' explosive secrets to their heartbroken families during burials and readings. Speaking to... This is unbelievable.

Burial. Do you understand that it does not matter that the guy, when he's dead, there is no way to check to see if you did this business. So this is just a chance to sow some chaos into your world after you go. Yes. Absolutely. He was giving an interview on the Kyle and Jackie O Show, was Mr. Edgar. He said, I've exposed family secrets, sexual affairs, and even intimate relationships between brothers and sisters.

What is this? Game of Thrones? He walks up playing that music. What is that? I've got something to say. Mr. Edgar said his worst job was when he had to reveal to a girl. He had to reveal a girlfriend had slept with her partner's mother and father.

Wow. Yes. So this I've seen somebody died and his girlfriend slept. I don't know. So Mike, how do you reveal that? Do you reveal the father first and everyone freaks out and then you're like, but hold on. There's more. We'll be right back after this.

Like that sort of thing? I don't know. You got to do something. Is this something that you kind of just sew among the guests or is this an announcement type deal? How do you walk up and be like, everybody? Or do you blend in for a while? Like, are you in the procession? Or is it as you're walking by the open casket?

Yeah. Yeah. By the way, I don't know if you know this, but... And then you just say that to a bunch of people? Right, yeah. That's such a great question. Is he required in order to make the money? It's not like the dead guy's going to find out. So I think people

when they're about to die do not want to take information to the grave. They're like, gotta unload it. You can't be buried with it. He said after he revealed that the girlfriend slept with her partner's mother and father, basically there weren't many people left at the funeral. Another

request involved telling the family of a bikey gang member that he was gay and his lover was in the crowd. That is to me, I think that's great. So this guy was like, hey, after I'm dead, I want you to tell everyone that I was gay

and that my boyfriend is here right now. So in a way he came out of the casket at his brother's thumbs up. He said to Australia to call him bikey gangs. Yeah, it's not so cute. Yeah, he said half a dozen people

are you? Are you in a little bike? You're in a little bike. You're in a cute. Yeah. He said half a dozen people left. Are you in a little bikey gang? You're in a little bikey gang, aren't you? You like yourself a little bikey gang. He said a couple gave me the finger and told me that I was going to get bashed, but a majority of the people at that funeral said, quote, we knew what he's like, we already knew. So they were all like, we knew David was gay. Yeah.

And it's fine. That's great. I love that he thought he needed to hire someone to tell us something we already knew. By the way, I would take the money of a dead man and then just take the money. You don't have to say anything. You can pay to confess to me. Did you do it? It's all integrity.

It feels like he's got a form that you have to go through with him on the meeting. This is coffin confessions. It's a legit business. We have to lay it all out but here's now first of all do you want it to be a loud thing yes what volume level do you want we offer these packages in terms i can bring a megaphone i can do crowd integration i can bring them here's my problem this is the dilemma that jason keeps coming back to is it's you're in a predicament when you're asking someone to do something questionably like that's gonna upset moral or like unethical but then you also need that person to have morals and ethics to follow through so here's my question and and

i put this to you mike i put this to you danny and jay, the most important thing is that the person who pays for this confession, confessional thing to happen, in his brain or her brain before they die, they think it's going to happen. But that's it. Once they die, does it matter? It doesn't matter once they die.

You don't have to do it. Well, he says to... I mean... He says to... Go ahead. You got to have like a fail- fail safe in there that you're like telling somebody hey you know this joel edgar guy because he's got to be famous at some point right he's got to show up to some funerals and some people are like oh shit it's about to go down

i know this guy i saw him last week this fucking guy's gonna mess it up right now he says to avoid great cashing gate crashing funerals with false assumptions and accusations. Mr. Edgar uses his private investigation skills to verify his clients claims. I've got to get some actual facts to I've got to look into. I can't just go to a funeral and announce bullshit. It's got to be legitimate stuff.

Although I pay him to show up and yell bullshit. Yeah. Why is this guy more reliable than the US government? I know he says one customer along, along with airing people's dirty laundry, Mr. Edgard spends most of his time purging his dead clients' homes of embarrassing items to spare their families the discomfort. One customer was an 84 or 88-year-old man from Toowoomba in Queensland who asked, and we'll get to this right after.

We're going to take a break. We'll be back with Mike Carrozza right after this. Stick around, make it sound for more Dumb People Town. Hey guys, welcome back to the show. We got Mike Carrozza. He's got a new album with our good buddy Dominic Delbeny's album Blonde Medicine. Tell us about the album.

Where can people get it and all that stuff? Well, you can get it pretty much anywhere. You can listen to music like Apple Music, Spotify. The Blonde Medicine website has all the links. It's called Cherubic. I recorded it in Toronto about a year ago. And yeah, I'm really proud of it. It's really dumb, really silly.

It feels good. I'm happy it's out. Where did you record it? I hope you enjoy it. Where did you record it? I recorded it, it unfortunately at a place that just recently shut down the ozington uh it was home to like one of the alt shows out here and uh they're they're gonna be fine they kind of were able to like take care of their employees get some government uh subsidizing and then they had to sell the building but they're're going to open up again. The guy is fairly...

He's very good. He's well off right now, and he's doing okay, and he'll be able to take care of everybody that was there. What about the comedy bar? Is that place going to survive up in Toronto? Truly, I can't speculate. They've been doing okay. They've been doing it like the safest that they can, truly,

but there was just a bit of a COVID scare with one of the local comics let you do the digging uh yeah uh so tough to say but yeah i hope so it's really my favorite spot to perform in the city it's where i ran my show and that's so good and uh i'm excited to hear the album because we are fans of your stand-up. And I do think like everybody, Blonde Medicine just, in my opinion, you should just trust them. If they want to make an album with you, I'm always like, these people are worth listening to.

They made ours. They made the mistake of making ours. You guys want to hear this 88-year-old man? Yes, I do. I would love to. He asked the coffee confessor to clean in his attic. He said, you're going to find some items in there that are going to shock you. Like a Jewish family.

I got into the attic and there's a sex swing. There's toys. You name it. It was there. I don't know what it says about me, but that's not that shocking. A sex swing and toys doesn't now jump to you name it. If you're 88 years old and you're still rocking out on a sex swing with some consenting fun people i am happy for you good on you what do you have to confess mr edgar explained that he never has to ask his

clients questions about their seemingly bizarre secrets because they divulge everything they've got nothing to lose and they feel good like that act feels good to them some clients have also used his services to confess to crimes while he's obliged to report admissions to police. Mr. Edgar skirts around the problem by asking the person to write the confession down in a letter and address it to themselves. The coffin confessor picks up the unopened

letter after the client dies and places it in a drawer and leaves it there. He said it's illegal to open someone else's mail, so they've confessed, but no one will ever know what it is. So you've gone through the act of confessing. I mean, this should be a CBS show where he just starts solving these things.

By the way, Coffin Confessions is the new Taxi Cab Confessions. Am I right? Sure. It's so thorough. Let it go before you go. Dan, this should be a show. How is this not a show on TLC? Tom Selleck is the Coffin Confessions. Other strange requests from clients who want to be buried with specific items, such as money, firearms, and mobile phones with torches,

because they're scared of the dark. Torches, obviously, is a way to say flashlight. Sure. Some ask for glass coffins, caskets filled with water, or fitted with speakers programmed to make screaming sounds as it's lowered into the ground. That is insane. That's funny. That's a good bit.

This is where I started to think this might be fake. One person wanted their coffin. This is what Edgar says. Wanted their coffin to be upside down on top of their wife's coffin in the 69 position. I don't think that's legal, but it's funny. I guess he didn't say it happened. He also has been asked. Dan, you save money on an extra plot.

That's true. It feels like something that you can request, but then they'll be like, look, can we do it? And then they're surprised that you can actually go through with it. Sure. So they're going to say,

let's do it. Let's do it. In 20 years, you can say he's still boner. He's also been asked to prick some clients in the arm with a pin before the burial to make sure that they're really dead. To use the coffin confessor services. Dying clients must sign a contract.

They have, and he has the right to call the service off and take the body away. If the family tried to stop him from doing his job. Yeah. They're also asked to video themselves, giving Mr. Edgar permission to carry out their final wishes. He's covered, which by the way,

doesn't seem like a hostage situation at all. No, when asked whether he feels guilty about it, making people's day uncomfortable, he says, I'm not respecting the living. I'm respecting the people who have died and I like them a lot more than the people who are alive. Why? Because they pay you.

I'm not respecting anyone is what he's saying. Yes. He said that he said he would say he would jump at every opportunity if paid, but he draws a line and assisting with death, something he would never do. And although Mr. Edgar's intrusions are often met with hostility from mourners, some clients, family members actually thank him for the help. I had the daughter of one man who died come up to me and say her dad be so proud that you told his brother and sister-in-law to fuck off.

Yeah, that's perfect. Yeah, he thinks he thinks some people do more of like funeral themes and he has to get in on that. Some wonder if he could simply not fulfill his client's wishes and pocket the cash after they die. That's what I said. He said, my clients say to me, look, I'm paying you this money. If you rip me off, I won't know, but I'll see you one day in heaven. You can't hold that over someone's head. If he goes, I don't believe in heaven.

But here's a fun thing. And you're definitely not going to heaven because I know your goddamn secret. I know what you just did. I just saw you sex me. Here's one you'll love. The messages that Mr. Edgar shares aren't always of vengeance and resentment. Once a month, he sends a letter to a man that has died telling or I'm sorry, once a month, he sends a letter to a

man who is still living, telling him that his wife loves him and will never forget him. The woman's request. That's a great. So she said after I die, I want you to write a letter to my husband every week. There should be a show about this guy. There probably will be. I'm sure there is. You know what? You say copyright three times.

That's ours. We get to throw it around. Thank you, Mike. Copyright, copyright, copyright. Copyright, copyright, confession. I'll ask you guys this before we get out. How old? How much does it cost to use Joel Edgar's funeral crashing

tell your brother and sister-in-law to fuck off services? And this is in American dollars. Yes, I believe so. Mike, you're our guest. You get to go either first or you can go in between me and Jason, which is the TIG slot or third.

I've been dying to say that I would love to take the TIG slot. Okay, take it up. So Jay, you go first. I think it's $500. $500. All right, Mike, what do you think? Should have gone first. I was going to say $500. Let's go $750 because Australian

currency is wild. Fair. I think he can charge a lot because it surrounds a- Final act. Yes. I mean, like your debt, it's bat mitzvah- Right. No return business.

Right. It's bat mitzvah, marriage, and death. That's it. You only die once. So I'm going to say, unless you're Shirley MacLaine, $1,200. $1,200. Okay. One of you. No. $1,200. $1,200. Okay. One of you.

Joel Edgar. The funeral crasher. And I also, Mike, you made me think of that too, of like if you see him roll up. So then in my mind, every time he like wears a disguise, so he's like a groundskeeper, and then all of a sudden turns around and you're like, oh shit, it's a funeral crasher.

He like puts the... And puts the... Jean Parmesan all over Dan The amount I anticipate And get excited when you say One of you I know

I tried to force it to happen We'll get out of here on this Joel Edgar Jean Parmesan Has his clients Paying up to $10,000. Wow.

I was right. You guys, you were a direction that I was thinking. Well, here's the deal. You don't have to pay $10,000 to get Mike Coroz's new album. That's not $10,000. Is it?

No, that's way more affordable more affordable and worth a lifetime of laughs. Cherubic. It won't make your family mad at you, so check it out. It might make some family members mad at you. Who knows? That's a good thing, I think. Keep doing good comedy. We'll see you hopefully

next time we're in Montreal, if we're lucky enough to go up there and do that again anytime soon. Oh shit, we gotta get back to work. A podcast network