Dumb People Town - Minisode: Kara Klenk - Eat My Way Through This Mistake

Episode Date: March 30, 2018

The Sklars and Dan Van Kirk are joined by comedian Kara Klenk (If You Build It show at UCB) for a DPT minisode! In this week’s story, a woman mistakes a jail security booth for a fast food drive-thru.

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast Dan with co-host Armand Dan And Dirk, don't be a jerk Cause when the music gets the funny hits We are gonna take you down Stick around, make a sound On your downies, Dumb People Town

Hey townies, welcome to a mini episode of Dumb People Town Population you, Population Clank Karen Clank joins us on the show. Oh my God, I love your little theme song. It's a little, you know, we like to have fun. It's a theme song after. Yeah, we actually have a theme song

and then we like to call it out. It's like our cheer. It's our pre-show cheer. Dumb People Town. We are so happy to have you on the show. We're such fans of yours as a stand-up comedian. Thank you. You have a kick-ass show here on Mondays at UCB Sunset.

It's called If You Build It. If You Build It. Explain it. It's every Monday. It's honestly just a stand-up showcase. I just try to book great people and I host it. You do get good people. And it's just like 8.30 every Monday at UCB Sunset.

It's one of those shows that makes that place great. You know what I mean? They really put it in their hands. It's starting to get built up and we're starting to get like regular audiences, which is really good. Cause I only started weekly there like six months ago. Yeah, it was monthly, wasn't it? Yeah, it was monthly and it was moving around different dates. And so now it's like it has a permanent home. You have to get a consistency. Yeah. And that's what does it. But you came from New York and did stand up in New York for a bunch, and we even crossed paths once this past year. Yes.

When we were doing our thing. We had a lovely week in New York where we— This is like one of the first times we've been in New York to do something during the days but then had our nights free. Nights free. So we weren't there doing stand-up at a place. So we were like, oh, my God, let's run around and do every stand-up show. Let's do comedians you've never heard of. Comedians you should know. You should know. That've never heard of. Comedians you should know.

Comedians you should know. That's a great show. Comedians you should know at the Spare Room. It's at the the gutter is the name of the place. It's like a bowling alley.

But the room is called the Spare Room. Yeah, you're right. Yes, you're right. Sorry. And the gutter, which is in, that's the place

where everyone got E. coli. It is. Or Ebola. No way. No, it can't be Ebola. I think everyone got Ebola from bowling balls.

They were Ebola. You trying to get that going? They were Ebola. They were Ebola. Oh way. No, it can't be Ebola. I think everyone got Ebola from bowling balls. They were Ebola. You trying to get that going? They were Ebola. They were Ebola. Oh, stop it. We bowled. Place is going to shudder next week. We bowled there.

But it was such a great time and it just made me remember how wonderful it was. It was such a nice week in New York that week, too. The weather was beautiful. Oh, my God. It was so nice. People were out at shows, though. Oh, man. We were at Littlefields.

My husband and I were texting each other going, should we move back? Like, it's so great. And then we were like, calm down. You're here during like a beautiful pre-summer weekend. Like, chill out. Let's everybody relax. Yeah. Well, I'm happy that you're here with us because you are a perfect person to break down what we are about to break down.

The world is getting dumber. Oh, my God. I love it. Is it not? Don't you feel that way? Oh, absolutely. I down. The world is getting dumber. Oh, my God. I love it. Is it not? Don't you feel that way? Oh, absolutely. I feel like the world's getting dumber. My husband and I were pitching a television show to networks based on the idea that people are getting dumber.

And guess what? No one's bought it. Because they're too dumb to buy it. The world is getting so dumb. And so we get stories sent to us by our awesome fans. And then we break them down. Dan is the only person who's seen it. So we have one story. Okay. One shot. The four of us are going to break it down. We've never. Dan is the only person who's seen it. So we have one story, one shot.

The four of us are going to break it down. We've never heard it. No, we don't know it. Let's get into one. Here we go. This was sent in by Casey at Casealicious. Thanks, girl. I appreciate you sending this in.

Her handle is at C-A-S-E-U-H-L-I-C-I-O-U-S at Casealicious. That's what I'm going to now start saying when I have a great quesadilla. Yeah. You know what? That's K-Salicious. That's K-Salicious. If I told you that that was used in a Taco Bell ad, would you fight me about it? Nope.

I'd be like, that is the new thing. That's the new K-Salicious. It's like a special cheese. It's dusted with Cheeto dust. It's K-Salicious. It's K-Salicious. Yeah, she sent it to hashtag dumbpeopletown at Daniel Van Kirk, and that's how I came across this gem. I love it.

Riverhead, Suffolk County. Suffolk County is in New York. It's got to be. A woman mistook a jail security booth for a fast food drive-thru and attempted to order a breakfast sandwich before ending up in handcuffs on Friday. Okay. That's all you need, right? That's all.

I mean, I could keep going. So she drove up and probably started demanding it when it wasn't coming. That's exactly what she did. This is New York. Hey, give me a cheese. What's wrong with this

drive-thru? Oh, my God. She dropped. It's the jail security booth. Go ahead, Karen. No, no, I me a cheese. What's wrong with this drive-thru? Oh, my God. She walked up. It's the jail security booth. Go ahead, Karen. No, no. I'm just processing. Yeah, that she was probably like, can I get a number one?

And, like, I have the weirdest fast food order. I don't eat meat, but I love the Whopper, so I get a Whopper with no meat. And so I go up. How do you do that? It's so weird. But how do you love it? You just go up to a drive-thru, and you're like, hi, can I get the number one with cheese, no meat?

And you have to say it like six times so that they know. So now I'm just picturing her doing my order, just like going up to this jail. Egg sandwich, no egg. No meat. No meat. No meat. And no egg. Just the cheese and the bread.

No meat. Man, there's no food here at all. No, I want food. Yeah, because now you're- You're not one of those no substitutions burger kings. No, that's not what we're saying. We're saying we do not serve food. I want an egg sandwich.

You're not listening to me. No egg, no sandwich. You're not listening. I don't think you're listening to me. I just want the paper it comes in. Well, we don't even... I mean, I have paper in here, but we do not serve food. Fold it up and send it through.

I'll drive around. Look, we've all been metaphorically imprisoned by some of our fast food choices, haven't we? Sure. You choose something, and then you're like, well, I locked myself into that one. I'm going to be in this room for the next one. Eat my way through it. Yep, this woman. Eat my way through this mistake.

How do you mistake a jail security booth? What is a jail security booth? I think maybe the booth at the parking lot. It has to have a gate in front of it, though. You have to be like, I guess this gate slides open and then I go get my quesalicious quesadilla. No, but if she's pulling in, the gate's in front of her. That's what I mean. Is she like, okay, as soon as this guy takes my order, I get my cash and then a gate's going to slide open and I'm going to go in to get it.

You go to a building that I don't see. That I clearly don't see anywhere near. Extreme security. Barbed wire around the edges. Are you guys taking the order all the way back here? You know how at every fast food restaurant you have to wait for an arm to go up in order for you to go through it. You know how at a fast food restaurant there's always a person taking the order in the booth that you're speaking to? With a gun? I don't know how much this translates food restaurant, there's always a person taking the order in the booth that you're speaking to? With a gun?

I don't know how much this translates outside of LA, but at In-N-Out, you go to... Well, no, it does happen at Portillo's, too, in Chicago. If they're really busy places, they'll just send people out walking. They do that here at In-N-Out. You could just dress up kind of like somebody who works there because nobody pays attention, and you could start really messing around. Just hold an iPad and just start taking orders. What can I get you? Asking people things about themselves.

Are you going through a divorce right now? Your weekend with the kids? Yeah. This order's pretty intense. You depressed? What's going on? You know what? We're not giving you your food.

You don't even work there. You just start enraging people. You're eating a lot of feelings there. Wow. Wow. How about just one double-double? She pulls up to this security booth. Not connected to a restaurant at all.

Just says, I want a breakfast sandwich. By the way, don't blame her. Love a good breakfast sandwich. Oh, yeah. Good breakfast Sammy. Police said, Elizabeth. L-I-Z-A-B-E-T-H. And Elizabeth.

She hates it when you call her Elizabeth. Of course she does. Elizabeth. Elizabeth. She hates it when you call her Elizabeth. Of course she does. Elizabeth. Elizabeth. Elizabeth Il Defonso drove up to the Riverhead Correctional Facility. Of course it's in Italian. Of course. Il Defonso means like, Defonso in Italian means an ill-advised choice.

Sure. Ill-advised choice. Elizabeth. Elizabeth, ill-advised choice. Elizabeth ill advised choice Elizabeth ill advised choice Drove up to the Riverhead Correctional Facility Around What time do you guys want to guess It's gotta be 2am She's fucked up right

2am anybody else want to take a guess Well bars in New York close at 4 So it could be later May I play devil's advocate Breakfast is being served all day At most of these places now. That's true. So it could be any time.

Yeah. This could be noon. I think five in the morning, it's the end of a drunken night. Oh, okay. All right. Oh, that's funny because I was going to say six. I was going to say six in the morning. Oh, you're going to Price is Right him a little bit.

No, it's fine. It's closest to it. So there's... What time, Dan? She showed up to the Riverhead Correctional Facility security booth around... And it says around, and then it gives the most specific time. Around 10, 12 a.m. Whoa!

That's mid-morning. That's breakfast time. I know. Yeah, but that's like she's dropped the kids off at school. She's like, you still serving? Like, that's post-coffee, right? If you're not in like a stand-up comedian type profession, let's assume. Right, right, right, right. She definitelyup comedian type profession, let's assume.

She definitely started the order with, let me have... You guys serving, right? So, can I get... Let me have... So, can I get... Yeah, whatever the person said, she didn't even like, man, were you here to see somebody today? Yeah, that's great. Can I get a... Yeah.

Police said Elizabeth DeFonso drove up to the Riverhead Correctional Facility around 10-12 a.m. and tried to place an order for a bacon, egg, and cheese. That's all she said. Can I get a bacon, egg, and cheese? I probably didn't even say the S-E on cheese. Bacon, egg, and cheese?

No. This is according to Deputy Sheriff Yvonne DeCaro. Who, by the way, Yvonne DeCaro has had enough. Yeah. At all times. These are two Italian women that are both on opposite sides of the law. Yvonne DeCaro. But you know what?

As a feminist, I mean, good for you, girl. Yeah, that's right. Just get out there. Get into the headlines. Make them yours. I love the show Ildefonso and DeCaro on USA. It's the Rizzoli and Isles of security booth shows.

Deputy Sheriff Yvonne DiCaro informed Il DiFonso that she was at a correctional facility, not a drive-thru. And by the way, she has had enough. Yeah, she has had enough. Yvonne DiCaro and I have had enough. Yvonne DiCaro has had it up to here.

She is constantly, there is no point in time when she has had it up to her mid chest. No, up to. It is pure. She's up to her eyeballs in bullshit. Now this is something that just happens with people's names, but I feel like we've already adopted it. Certain people, you only ever say their full name. Oh yes. And she is Yvonne DeCaro.

Yvonne DeCaro. It is always Yvonne DeCaro. Nobody's like DeCaro. No. It's like Yvonne. No. Yvonne DeCaro. Yvonne DeCaro. It is always Yvonne DeCaro. Nobody's like DeCaro. No. It's like Yvonne. No. Yvonne DeCaro. Did I tell you what Yvonne DeCaro did?

What did she do? Right. Is she still here? So she informed Ildefonso that she was at a correctional facility, not a drive-thru. According to the sheriff's office, at that point, the driver insisted she really wanted a sandwich. Yeah. You are at a correctional facility. Yeah, I'd really like a sandwich. Got that.

Almost like, I hear you. Where's my sandwich? Right. Does not care about any of this. The sheriff's office said Deputy DeCaro noted that Ildefonso's pupils were dilated, her eyes were glassy, and that she had white powder residue

in her left nostril Hell yes Hell yes Elizabeth She did not sleep at all the night before Yes she's coming off of like a serious coke binge Because 10am Is so late to be still doing coke From the night before

I get 7 But usually by 7 or 8 You're losing steam 10am is I do not want this night to end No not at all I get 7, but usually by 7 or 8, you're losing steam. You're losing steam. You're on the way down. I do not want this night to end. No, not at all. And I figure, too, depending, like, this happened on a Friday, right?

10 a.m. on a Friday, which means she dropped the kids off at the school, and her ex-husband's picking them up for the weekend. So she's like, here I get my sandwich. Go. It's weird because I don't think of Coke as the kind of drug that makes you hungry. No. But, yes, if it started Thursday night, she maybe hasn't eaten anything since lunch yesterday. I hope it started the minute she dropped those kids off in the drop-off lane and got out

of the car to wave goodbye. Got yelled at. See you kids later. Oh, my gosh. It definitely gave her confidence to think she's right. Yeah. We got yelled at. See you kids later. Oh my gosh. It definitely gave her confidence to think she's right. Yeah. I hear you. I want my bacon and cheese. Do you think she was just like,

can you just whip something up? I get it. Okay. I get that you're not a restaurant, but this is what I want. Well, no. There's no Carl's Jr. on the East Coast. What would it be? Hardee's. What else is over there? She thinks she's at a Long John Silver.

Yeah. I get that you're not what I thought, but can somebody just go back to whatever the kitchen is and whip together? There definitely is a moment where she says to her, so what are you telling me? Yeah. After she has explained it at length. She's like, do you have bagels? Do you have cheese? Do you have cheese? Do you have bacon?

What are you eating today? Can you just lay it out for me? Kara's right. There's that point in the drunk level where the drunk person wants to level with you. You're like, all right, look. Listen, listen. I get it.

Listen, all that other stuff before this was bullshit. Now we're talking for real. It's just me and you. It's just me and you. Anne keeps alluding to the fact that they quote unquote know they're being lied to. Like, look, I get it. You don't have food. You're saying you aren't a restaurant.

A lot of air quotes. But could you? Could you somewhere in the building go make something like that? Yeah. Could you go do that? Do you have the resource? And the person's like, well, we might have the resource. Yeah, so you could. Where do you eat? I? And the person's like, well, we might have the resource. Yeah, so you could. Where do you eat? Where do you eat?

Where do you eat? I eat in the cafeteria. And do they serve food? Yeah. So why can't you go get me a bacon egg and cheese? That's not so crazy. The least made-to-order place ever, though. Like, you can't get any.

Nobody can get anything that they just want at a jail. Red tape. want at a jail. Wasn't there a cop in, I don't know if it was a cop, but like a deputy of a prison in Alabama who was stealing the money that was supposed to go to make the meals better for the inmates.

He's a mayor. Yeah, he still like 700, built like a $750,000 beach home. And in Alabama, they're like, yeah, that's okay. That's encouraged. Because he's like, they had excess funds for food. You can use it for personal use.

Yeah. What? Yes. Like the warden of the jail? Yeah. It's like, what am I supposed to do? Not use it? Yeah. Maybe cut a check for the education system because you're last in the country, you dummy.

Just took it. So maybe you're saying she's trying to take some of that back? Yes. Take back the egg sandwich. Which I believe was a march, a women's march. Yvonne DeCaro was in the booth? Yeah. By the way, I love that every one of us knows her name.

Like, there are whole stories on this show where I'm like, what's the name of the person? There are spouses of cousins that I actually don't know their names. But I can tell you who Yvonne DeCaro is. And I can tell you she Yvonne DeCaro is. I can tell you she has had it up to here. Now, do you think that any of this possibly, again, devil's advocate, was a miscommunication because she's probably talking through like a...

No, she's at the booth. She's probably talking through a speaker at the booth, right? They're at the booth. Do you think the booth slides open or do you think there's a speaker? Oh, it's a slider. That's what I think. I suppose they don't specify.

Speaking of sliders, can you just give me two small hammers and a couple of breakfast sliders? I would take two tiny bacon egg and cheeses if you have that. We'll call them sliders. Just put them on there and then set them around. But you could do it if you wanted to, right? You could.

And then she's like, breakfast sliders. Fuck, has anyone come up with that? You guys, we should brainstorm this. We should work this out. This could be a huge thing. Ma'am, ma'am. We do not work together, nor are we in the food business. We are not a we.

But you could do it. You could do it is what I'm trying to say. Yes, we could do it. So then you're lying to me to say that you can't. I'm not lying to you. All right, I'll go do it then. I'll go with you. How many sandwiches can I get?

Il Defonso was arrested after she performed poorly on standardized sobriety tests. Standardized tests are never easy for anybody. They always are against a certain population. Yeah, they're racially biased.

And they're gender biased. Do you think that in the point of her going through the sobriety tests, that they were like, like she was still insisting that they should give her food? Like even all through that, like they're like, just give me the goddamn food. Yeah, they were like, say the alphabet backwards. And she was like, she was still insisting that they should give her food. Even all through that, they're like, just

give me the goddamn food. Yeah, they were like, say the alphabet backwards, and she was like, Z-Y-X give me a bacon, egg, and cheese. Give it. Will you give me my goddamn order? Give it. I don't know that I could do the alphabet backwards easily. I couldn't. I thought about that. I'm stone cold sober. Yeah. Z-Y-X

and I'm done. But I think the watching you try to process the information is how you tell a person. It's not even how I, Z-Y-X and I'm done. But I think the watching you try to process the information is how you tell a person. It's not even how I... Z-Y-X W-U W-V-U-T S-R-Q P-O

M-M-L K-J- H-G No, K-J-I-H-G. We would all be busted. We're all in cars right now. Get on the ground, sir. Get on the ground.

I'll get on the ground. It's a weird-ass theme restaurant, but I'll get on the ground. While I'm on the ground, are you going to bring me my bacon, egg, and cheese? Can we add some home fries? She performed bad on the standard of sobriety test and was found to be driving without a valid license. Oh, gosh. She performed bad on the standardized sobriety test and was found to be driving without a valid license. Oh. Gosh. She's Elizabeth Ildefonso.

Wait, is it? Ildefonso. Yes. Ildefonso? Those are not even like Italian prepositions that go together. I know. I know. Ildefonso.

She's like, everyone knows me and Riverhead. I don't drive with a license. Why should I do that? Why do I do that? Il Defonso, stop it. Yes. She was charged with felony driving while ably impaired. Yeah.

Ably impaired? No, I read it wrong. Ability impaired. Ability impaired. That's a difference. Same thing. She's ably impaired. By drugs and without having a license.

She consented to blood tests and the results are pending. I'm going to ask you guys. Why would you consent to a blood test? She's got powdered sugar all over her fucking nose. Why would you consent to that? Here's why. On the other end of that blood test is going to be a bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich. I thought you were going to say baby.

Because after they draw blood, they usually give you a little snack. Maybe it's a bacon, egg, and cheese. I can't pass out. Bacon, egg, and cheese. And then as she gets it, after she's being arrested, she's like, well, who won? If you're a cop, does part of you be like, we could drive through the drive-thru on the way back and get her what she wants? Get her what she wants. I would do that for her.

So I'm going to ask you guys, how old is Elizabeth Ildefonso? Too much fun leaves marks in life. Living hard, you'll pay the price. Who is gonna get it right? Guess the age. Guess the age. Now, Kara, you are our guest. So you can go first, Tig, or third.

You pick the spot you want to go in. I mean, I was so wrong about the time of day. I was so off that I don't even trust myself anymore. No, no, no. You don't even know yourself anymore. You know this woman. You know who she is.

Okay. I feel like she's... And you're going to get to see a photo after you all make your guess. Okay. Which will be on our Facebook page.

I think she's 42. 42 years old. Yeah. Jason or Randy? I think she's 51. 51 from Jason. Oh, that's cocaine. I'm going to say, sorry.

That's okay. I'm going to say 31. I know that's a big switch, but I realize cocaine's a little. We also invented children that she has. That's influencing me. That's it too. We don't even know what she has. 31.

I think she's 35, meaning she's old enough to be the president. So 31, 35, and I said 42. Stand by it. Kara. Elizabeth Ildefonso. Elizabeth? No. Elizabeth.

Sorry, sorry, sorry. How dare you? What are you doing? How dare you? How dare you? You put an extra E on my name. Elizabeth Ildefonso. Partying it up at around 10, 12 a.m. on a Friday.

Ordering an egg, bacon, and cheese. Yep. No sandwich, just bacon and cheese. A-bay-chee. A-bay-chee. A-bay-chee. Get your answers in at home. All your townies are playing along.

Shout at your ham radios. Elizabeth Ildefonso is 44 years old. Oh! Kara. Kara! Beautiful. Double dip on this picture of her. Oh my god. Hell yes. She looks good. She looks great.

She has the dark roots of an Italian woman with the blonde, frosted blonde hair of a woman who lives in with an eye shot of New Jersey. That's right. This is like, well, she's like, who eight characters in The Sopranos are based on. You know when someone yells things?

She's like Working Girl 2.0. Like when someone yells things like, do you know me? She goes the other way. Do I know you? Do I know you? Do I know you? Everything is, she takes and questions what was just said. Oh, oh, oh. So I've been the wrong. Which is an answer she would know. Do I know you? Do I know you? Everything is, she takes and questions what was just said. Oh, oh, oh.

So I'm in the wrong. Which is an answer she would know. Do I know you? She has those like kind of, you know, sleepy-ish eyes that, not to borrow a phrase that our dumbass president used, but she does have like those sleepy-ish eyes that say that she's seen a lot of this world. You know what I mean? Like, she's kind of like, look at Elizabeth. Look at her.

44 years old. By the way, it looks great. It looks great for 44. Do you guys put the picture of them somewhere? Yes, we'll put it up on the Facebook page. Because I think your listeners would agree. She looks great. I mean, maybe, and this is just,

maybe we get her together with Jan Flato. I don't know. We have other people that we want to try and get her together with. You never know. Does anybody that you guys talk about on your podcast ever contact you and they're like, you did my story? Oh, really? Because I would love to hear from Lizabeth.

Lizabeth, if you're out there, sweetheart, check in. We got someone we want to connect with. And it's not like there's a ton of Lizabeth Ildefonso's out there, so there's probably one and only. Like she was only called by her last name in high school. Yeah. Ildefons. Ildefons. Ildefons. Ildefons.

And she would walk in and be like, Hey! Alright, there you go! That's so mini! Cara Clank, thank you so much for doing it. Can people follow you on the twits? Yeah, I am Cara Clank all K's. If you think there's a C in there, get out of town. Get out of town.

Yeah, Karaklank on Twitter, on Insta, on the web, my website. And if you're in Los Angeles and you want to see a great stand-up comedy show on a Monday night, go to UCB Sunset. If you build it. If you build it, these people will come and, oh, shit. And they're coming. We've got to get back to work.