Dumb People Town - Minisode: Nate Craig - The Rush Hour Bandit

Episode Date: February 23, 2018

The Sklars and Dan Van Kirk are joined by comedian Nate Craig for a DPT minisode! In this week's story, a Utah man tries to rob a bank with a stolen car...but forgets the keys in the bank.

It's a good show! Couldn't make this up. So listen to our podcast jam with co-host Armand Dan. Man, don't be a jerk. Cause when the music hits the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around. Make a sound. On your downies. Dumb People Town. Hey, townies.

Welcome to a mini episode of Dumb People Town. Population you? Population. three first names. Nathan Edward Craig. Nate Craig, how are you, buddy? Don't be scared, listeners. He's not scared. Just leave his mini fridge that's downstairs alone.

This is what we say whenever we introduce new people. This is Nate Craig. He is not going to chop you up. Check your knives at the door. Leave your vats of to chop you up. Check your knives at the door. Leave your vats of acid in the trunk. Check your ego at the door. This is one of our favorite people to come and do this show because he gets

it and he understands it. Right, Daniel Van Kirk? Yes, sir. He's great. How are you, buddy? Midwestern friend. I'm good. How about you, buddy? Does he bring you back to Wisconsin to the cabin? I mean, there's a pocket there that we can both sit in for hours if we need to. The Dells? Just chewing the cheese curd fat.

Just riding the ducks. We can put an itinerary together. Oh, for sure. Pirate's Cove in the day. Ho-Chunk Casino at night. The Dells! Then a polish went off at Yahoo's. They got go-karts up there you need a special license for.

They make you take a class. Yeah, no, we definitely can run through that stuff no problem at all. Oh, jeez. The Dells has everything you need to be happy, including Tommy Bartlett's Robot World. Robot World. So wait, before we jump in, and I know we're talking about the Dells and the Robot World, but you have some,

Nate, Craig, you have some good news, and then we'll jump into the story, which is you filmed a Netflix show that's going to be coming out sometime, hopefully in the fall. I don't know when it's going to come out. I would imagine it's going to be in the fall, but it looks to be fantastic. It was a lot of fun to shoot. Emma Hill, Jonah Hill,

Emma Stone, and a bunch of other... They should have got some big names. They did. Well, they got three small first names. And then the rest of the cast. Nate should have got some big names besides you. Well, they got three small first names. And then the rest of the cast. Nate, Ed, Craig. No, that's amazing, and I'm so happy for you. What's it called? It's called Maniac.

Maniac. Alright, look for it! Nate Craig on Netflix! You heard him here first. I love that you were probably number 17 or 18 on the call sheet, and yet they give you all the information. You are the first person they contact to be like, hey, this show is dropping on this day. You need to get out

there and start doing mini-sodes of Dumb People Town to promote it. Full disclosure, I was in the low 20s, but yes. Okay, I had you up higher. I appreciate that. A lot of people in Dumb People Town are in the low 20s. That's the IQ and age. There we go. Alright, Dan, let's get started.

All right, here we go. This was sent in by Guy Montag at idigpioche. P-I-O-C-H-E. I dig. I-D-I-G. P-I-O-C-H-E. Pioche. That's what I'm going with.

Is that a special kind of Pioche, Fred? All right. Pioche. The headline for this story, robber tries nothing goes well okay so you already know going in that this guy sucks at what he's trying to do

or this is a last ditch effort he's not a bank robber a professional bank robber even professional bank robbers don't you feel like in this business we're all kind of like bank robbers it's like you feel like in this business we're all kind of like bank robbers? It's like how long can we keep this going before it just takes it away from us? Yes.

They're daring you to have this story spoiled for you. Yeah. God damn them. Here's what I think. None of us have ever robbed a place, right? No. Allegedly. No.

So do you think there are people who are like, when I grow up, I'm going to rob banks? No. No one makes that choice. It falls into you, right? Or you fall into it. Yeah. Life brings that to you. Yeah, exactly.

It's like- That's definitely a nature versus laughter. Nobody says they want to work in a toll booth either. That just happens to you and you end up there and you make the best of it. If you end up in the bank robbing racket, then that's just what you do. Nobody says I want to play in the lingerie football league. Somebody does. No, not as a kid.

They haven't seen the footage yet. That's not well. You see that high school tape of that lingerie football player? She was running around in garters like nobody's business. Her hype tape? Her hype tape is unbelievable. Black and yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow.

Man, we gotta get this girl in for a tryout. Taylorsville, Utah. Things didn't go exactly as planned for an alleged bank robber in Taylorsville Thursday. Just before 5.30pm, that's a rush hour robbery. Why would you rob a bank at its busiest time?

Well, there's your getaway plan, too. Let me make sure traffic's at its peak so that I can rob the bank, run outside, and then sit and bumper to bumper. When is the worst time to rob a bank? Right after work. Yeah. After work. When people are making the drop. Yes.

But they, in their minds, probably were thinking, oh, this is the best time. When was the last time you went into a bank? Oh, all the time. Do you go all the time going to a bank? Yes, and I refuse to use their- You don't do mobile checking? Nope, and I refuse to use their fancy ATMs, too. Dan.

I'm right down the middle. I won't do the ATMs, but I'm only mobile checking. Here's the thing. I just want it in there. The second the check goes in my hands, I want it in. But then it doesn't go in. It does, but it's- It's in.

There's a trail. They got the JPEG. It's in. There's a favorite trail. There's a favorite trail. I don't trust it. You don't go in. There's still like a day. There's a trail. They got the JPEG. It's in there. It's a high-end. I don't trust it. I do not trust it.

Dan, I took my daughters into the bank over the weekend on Saturday. They cashed checks from my wife's stepfather. Grampy gave them checks over Christmas, and I was like, you guys want some cash? You guys deserve this cash. $75 a piece. That's a lot of money. For a 10-year-old and a 12-year-old. Big time kid money.

And I was like, then we'll go vintage clothes shop. Whatever you guys want to do. You want to get some earrings, you want your necklace, let's do it. It's your money. Maybe you guys will buy me a record I've been looking at. But whatever. Maybe you guys can help me fix the car the wheel needs to be. No, but I mean, they, and so we went to the bank.

I had been so long that I was at the bank. I like didn't know where to go. I just, for a brief period of time, for a brief period of time, I just sat down on one of the chairs. No, you know what I say to my kids? I know what to do. You know what I say to my kids when I go in the bank? I'm like, you guys want to see some old people? Come with me.

Come with me. You guys want to see some old people in Dan Van Kirk? Yes. Let's go. Do it. I'm in there. And then they walk up to you when you're in line and they go, what are you here for? Making a deposit?

No, no, no. Why are you here? Even the people behind the counter know, Dan, you should not be there. They go, I'm making a deposit. Oh, we have an ATM. No, I'm good. Well, the ATM can't. I go, yeah, you know what?

Look behind you. You see how there's nine teller windows there? How many are being worked right now? One. One. You know why? Because you guys are pushing people. You're giving away your own job, dude.

So Dan, Dan. I want the interaction with a person. Hey, how are you? Nice to see you. When you're on a call, do you skip the automated teller and go to an operator? Always. Always. Always.

I still do that. Yeah. Dan, you walk up to the desk and they're like, who don't you trust? Nobody. Not this goddamn government. I don't understand. All right. So you're going to a bank.

If you're still in a bank and not mobily putting your checks in, then you are prey victim to this rush hour bandit. You are subject to a rush hour bandit. You deserve to be part of whatever hostage situation. You don't deserve to be. Maybe this guy has just seen the movie Rush Hour and he's like, I can do this. I just need a sort of bantery dialogue with a guy who doesn't know how to do comedy who's Asian. You know, someday I will end up in a hostage situation. You guys know I'll be all right.

I mean, Dan, you're the first one to run into trouble. I'm nervous. All right, so. You would have to wake up out of a coma to think that you could rob a bank. Yeah. Like, you couldn't have. That's a plan. There's a lot of technology that's come and been updated.

Everyone has a Matt Lauer button under their desk. You know what I mean? Essentially. Just before 5.30 p.m., a man entered America First Credit Union at 2715. Was he trying to take the president down a notch? I know, I know. And it's like America First Credit Union? At 2715 West, 5400 South.

So add that to the DPT Washington. 2400 West, 5400 South? You got it. That is... Are those two streets, Dan, or is that one street? 2715 West, 5400 South. Dumb People Town sprawls these days. It just really goes out there.

It's getting bigger every week. Come on. And not by double. Okay. You went to the America First in where? This is what I love. The one on 2745 West, 5400 South. There's three, four of them branches on the way there.

On the Southwest? There's a little specific in the sentence I'm about to read that shows you this guy was already bad at robbing banks. Okay, let's hear it. He walked into the America First Credit Union, claimed to have a gun, and demanded money from two tellers. You got to pick one. Pick one. Pick one. How far away is he from the glass?

He's like, guys? Guys? Is anybody? Sir, which one of us are you talking to? Either one of you. Either one of you. Put your hands up. Are you talking to me?

Are you talking to me or are you talking to him? You got to know, like everywhere you go, you have to pick the person that you think is going to help you the most. Unless he has a lazy eye, and that's not necessarily on him. That could have been looking at two people. Yeah, that could have just been someone thinking that he was looking at them. No, but when you go to the airport, okay, and you have to ask something

from someone at the desk. Can we get our tickets? Can we get our seats together? Is there any way we can do that? Oh, yes. Dan, can I stand by and go on this flight? You always pick the person you think is A, going to help you the best, and B, is having the best day. Well, see, sometimes if you go with best day person, that person also really values their job. That's true. Sometimes you want the person who wants to get the fuck out of here and does not care anymore.

Someone is like, I get it. You're having a bad day. Oh, 100%. 100. But this is a mistake. You got to pick one. Right. That's what we agree

across the board. You got to pick, like in the scene in Taxi Driver, he wasn't like, you talking to me? Yeah. What about you?

That wasn't the line for the movie. He was one guy going right at him. Well, the key component here is that he also, I mean, you don't walk in

and claim to have a gun and then ask who's in charge. You are. You're in charge. I got a gun. Who's in charge here? Sir? You've got the gun. Do you want to talk to the manager or the assistant manager? Exactly. Both. Nope. You've got to choose

one. I don't care. Who's more powerful? Well, the assistant manager actually has a better line to the top. Actually, I'll take this. He's got grandfathered, and he's got the conceal and carry checking account. Yeah. Okay. Well, listen. Send him down to the business

window down on the end, and Cheryl will get with him in a minute. Okay. So he demands money from two tellers. This is according to Unified Police Lieutenant Brian Hork. If I gave you five guesses on how to spell Lork, it would... H-L-O-R-K. Sorry. L-H-O-R-K.

Nope. Want to take a stab? Can you say it one more time, please? Lork. Lork. L-O- A-R-C-H-E. Nope. What is it, Dan? L-O-H-R-K-E. L-H-O-R-K. L-H-O-R-E. Nope. What is it, Dan? L-O-H R-K-E. Lahorek. Lahorek.

By the way, it could be a fullback on Wisconsin Badgers football team. Oh, 100%. Lahorek punches it in the middle. Just a big white guy who's like back shoulder pads go way up high over his head. After the man received an undisclosed amount of cash in the bag, so he did it.

He got it. Okay. He ran out to his car, which was stolen. But when he got there, he realized. He stole a car to go rob a bank. Yes. Okay, fine. That's actually a lot of planning. But when he got there to the car outside of the bank, he realized he had left the keys on the counter inside the bank.

Now, do you go back in? Stolen car. You just take it away on foot and you steal another car. You steal another car? You got to go on foot. You got to go on foot. Like, what are you going to walk back in? Hey, guys.

Hey. Who are you talking to, man? Which one of us? Has anybody seen my keys? I left my keys here. You remember me? I was just in here. I robbed the bank.

Guys, I've got the fight with a girlfriend. I'm leaving the house. You leave the house. You realize you don't have your keys. You've got to come back in. Where are they? This guy's brand new. I mean, who steals a car with the keys? Yeah!

That's a starter. If you can't hotwire it... Yeah. So then he decides, after not being able to get his keys back, that he decides he's going to run off, but his money bag snagged on something and ripped. Money then started flying out of his bag. This is a bad day.

This is a bad day. When Ice Cube said, Mess around, got a triple bubble, it was a good day, that's the opposite of the day that this guy had. He tries to rob a bank, can't figure out who to talk to. Somehow, probably just to get him to leave,

they give him some money. Right. Probably 50 bucks. Leaves his keys. In one, so he feels like he got a lot of money. Right. He then leaves his keys in the bank, then tries to run away, catches his bag on something, and spills money everywhere. And then it becomes that game at the adult arcades, where you're

inside the thing where the money's flying around and people are trying to grab it. And then he read the lights of the Goodyear blimp, and it said, you have the right to remain silent. It said, ice's a wimp. Witnesses saw the man running and directed police officers to where he was last spotted. Well, I mean, I don't know how they would catch him. There's not a trail.

Just a trail of tens leading you to the guy. It's like a monetary Hansel and Gretel. Yeah. He ran out of breadcrumbs. So it's just bread. Then he's eating a sandwich. He started leaving brand new $100 bills. Just leaving them.

Police arrested David Hampson. H-A-M-S-O-N. Hampson. Hampson. Hampson. Son of Ham. Yep. That's an Alice Island name right there. H-A-M-S-O-N. Ham son. Hamson. Hamson. Son of Ham. Yep. That's an Alice Island name right there.

H-A-M-S-O-N. That is a person at Alice Island who's like, I have no clue what you're saying. What do you do? Remember Ham? That was one of the most. I feel like that was the most underrated Spike Lee movie. Son of Ham. Yeah?

That was. There was a lot of tension. Did the music on Son of Ham? Yeah. A lot baked in. There was a lot of tension Did the music in Son of Ham Yeah A lot baked in There was a lot baked in Oh honey you're right there Oh jeez

Randy At Scott At Daniel Van Kirk At all of us At Nate Craig Police arrested David Hampson A short time later In a neighborhood just west of the bank

Go farther Well he's on foot, Dan. He can't go that far. Lark said, quote, a good portion, that's in quotes, I don't know why, of the money was recovered, but investigators believe some of the money went down the storm drain. So that's with Pennywise in the movie. Yeah. You tell me they picked him up at 3,500 south 147.

2,455 west. No, suspect is moving west on on 2400 southwest at 549. Is he moving south or west? You ain't never going to find him in there. It's a darn maze. Is he moving south or west? Both. I'm going to show you guys a picture of this, dude.

Two things you need to know about him. South and west. Yep. Before you see this photo. One, he has Doberman ears. Alright. You know how they manicure? So one of them is taped? They are perfect. Why do you

tape a Doberman's ear? I like they tape one. It's a dick move. And one ear is taped. The other one, fine. This is the stuff where people try to customize their animals that drives me nuts. They're like, I want them to look like that. Like, well, that's not the way it's born.

Or like, oh, you want to see my birds? I clipped their wings so they can't do the one most amazing thing they were given. But I don't want them to leave me because I'm an owner. Yeah. Like, fuck off, man. It's an animal. It's a pet, not a specialty cake. Yeah.

Exhibit doesn't come in and pimp out your animal. Although I bet he would these days. I would watch that show. These days, he'd probably be up for that. If Exhibit was like, if it was Pimp My Parrot with Exhibit, I would watch that show every day. Like, what'd you put in the back of his thing? Hey, man, I'll put in three speakers.

I'll put some extra tweeters in that bird. Oh, Jesus. They got that Hampson boy's ears all did up fancy. Okay, wait till you see them. And everybody else. If you want to see it, you gotta join the Facebook page. Flato's posting every day. He's very happy that we're over 17,000 people.

Let's get over 20,000. Come on. There's more than that that listens to the show. Hit that Facebook page. Join it. Like it. You're gonna see his Doberman ears. Nate loves Doberman ears. You're gonna see my Doberman ears. And then going to see my Doberman ears. And then the other thing is.

Feels like a song, right? Like a Western song. When you see my Doberman ears, that's when you walk away. When you see my Doberman ears. There ain't no way to hide your Doberman ears. The other thing is. You can't hide. Randy.

And this will make sense when you see the photo. This is all it is. What? That's his expression? Yes, yes. It's just, what? So are we going to see this photo and be amazed that he pulled off what he pulled off? Nope.

You're going to really appreciate his Doberman ears and you're going to understand what. What? Means. Here we go. Isn't he like, what? This is like, if Vanilla Ice didn't have the ability to make Amish barns, he would be this guy. He's like, if I don't have any money, why am I even being arrested?

What are we doing? Do you understand the day I've already had? He has asked the question, any money, why am I even being arrested? What are we doing? Do you understand the day I've already had? He has asked the question, what are we doing more than once? What are we doing? What? What are we doing? What are we doing? He looks like methed out Landon Donovan. Yeah, exactly. Has anybody

seen my keys? They're at the bank. They're on the bank. Hanson was booked in the Salt Lake County Jail for investigation of aggravated robbery. He is, quote, a known suspect in bank robberies which have occurred in West Valley City and Salt Lake City. This is Salt Lake City! Yes! This is Salt Lake City. West Valley, we're the comedy club.

We're the wise guys. Wise guys used to be. He has an extensive criminal background. But hey, practice does not make perfect. David fled. Then there's just this in quotes. David fled. As though, I guess, we're friends. The cops are friends with perfect. Clearly. David fled. Then there's just this in quotes. David fled, as though I guess the cops were friends with him. Dave.

David fled. He fled from South Salt Lake Police Department on Wednesday. David caused a traffic accident while fleeing and was not taken into custody. Okay. He was on the run, and he robbed a bank at 530 in the evening. So he left? They said earlier in the week he was being pursued for something and he got away. But now they got him.

We got him. We got him. He'll rob a bank sometime. Dave, did you want us to catch you, Dave? Yeah, Dave wanted them to catch us. Were you throwing that money, Dave? Was this failed bank robbery and car thievery a cry for help, Dave? I think it is.

Oh, for sure. Look at poor Dave. I'm going to ask you guys. You've seen a photo. Okay. How old is Dave Hampson? Is this how we're wrapping this bad boy up?

Okay, here we go. Too much fun leaves marks in life. Living hard, you'll pay the price. Who is gonna get it right? Guess the age. Guess the age.

Guess the age. How old? Okay, now Nate, you are our guest. Do you want to go first, Tig, or third? Tig is in the second between. I want to nail this. Okay. You go first.

That man is 29 years old. Oh, my God. So here's what I love about this picture. And again, go to the Facebook page, and you will see exactly what we mean. It's not easy, is it? It's not. And actually, sometimes having more physical evidence makes it harder. Right.

Because you have in your brain, if I saw Doberman years, I'd be like, this guy's 39. But now I'm looking at him, I'm like, I think he's 33. 33. 33 from Randy. 29 from Nate Craig. This guy's 41 years old. 41 years old. He looks good.

No, he does not look good. He looks good. He's a piece of ass for a 41-year-old. He looks good. No, he does not look good. He looks good. He's a piece of ass for a 41 year old. In a good way? 41 years old. In an objectifying way? Can I just say this? Last night I was watching because, I don't

know why, the Golf Channel. Oh, I love watching. And I was watching a thing on That should be the Golf Channel's slogan. I don't know why I'm doing this. And it was the special on Jack Nicklaus winning at the Masters. Sure. Super late in his career. 46.

46. And I'm like, we're fucking 46. I'm like, this is an old man. Like, what happened to me? 41 years old. All right. You say 41. Okay.

41 from Jay. 29 from Nick. 29 from Nick 29 from Nick 33 from me 33 Here we go Everybody shout at your ham radios Get it in right now

Shout at your Hampson radio Because David Hampson A man Who stole a car Tried to rob a bank By yelling at multiple tellers Left his keys on the bank Ripped the bag

And let money go out Down a storm drain Is 39 years old. Oh, Jesus. And Randy said the number. You guys, I would have said 39 if I just thought Doberman years. And then I saw it, and he totally pulled the thing on me.

I was right. I was right. You were. Oh, you were. And you could have been dead on, Randy Sklar. By the way, this is how we mini. That's what I would say about this. Thank you guys for listening.

Bottom line, crime keeps you young. Yeah, crime does keep you young. Crime does, and in some ways, crime pays. It's a young man's game. I will say Nate Craig, follow him on the old twits. Nate Craig Live, Twitter, Instagram. Nate Craig Live, and then keep an eye out for Maniac. Maniac?

Maniac. Coming out on Netflix, Jonah Hill, Emma Stone. He's for Maniac. Maniac? Maniac. Coming out on Netflix. Jonah Hill, Emma Stone. He's in that movie. Heck yeah, he is. Follow us. It's a series. It's not just a movie.

So this drops on Friday of this week. I'm going to tell everybody in the Brooklyn area, please come out. There's still a handful of tickets left. Not a bunch, but if you're thinking of getting them, get them before you show up at the Bell House. This Sunday night we'll be at the Bell House. And Jay and I are going to be in Rochester at the Comedy at the Carlson, which is amazing. A really cool venue. Go to both.

Make it a comedy weekend. We'll be there in Rochester. And our Poop Talk movie is available on VOD, on iTunes. And you can still go to the theater and see it maybe right now. I hope. I hope. I hope so. All right, guys.

You mentioned Brooklyn. Oh, Nate Craig and Friends Union Hall, March 14th, Wednesday night, 10.30 p.m. Go to that. Check that out. That's going to be dope. And holy shit, we've got to get back to work. Stick around. Make a sound.

Tunk it down. It's Dumb People Town. It's a good show.