Dumb People Town - Moshe Kasher - Florida Noir

Episode Date: January 30, 2024

Comedian, podcaster, and author (Subculture Vulture) Moshe Kasher stops by as Daniel describes a Florida man who was arrested after locking himself in a Little Caesar's that he was burglarizing, Jason explains why a woman in a pink dress stole a tractor, and Randy warns about mistaking a yoga class for a mass killing, and so much more! Thanks to our sponsor: Rocket Money! Stop wasting money on things you don’t use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to RocketMoney.com/DPT.

Dan and Ren and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast Dan with co-host Armand Dan Don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits the funny hits Guys, do you ever feel like money is just flying out of your account and you have no idea where it's going? Well, look, we know. It's all those subscriptions so we use rocket money to help us find out what subscriptions we're actually spending money on

which ones we're using which ones we're not it was eye-opening and look we had them cancel the ones that we didn't want anymore stop wasting money you don't use cancel your unwanted subscriptions go to rocket money.com slash dpt that's rocket money.com slash dpt rocket money.com slash dpt hey townies welcome to another episode of dumb people town population population casher yeah casher the third are you moshe cash the third i this well i might be moshe casher the. The third. Are you Moshe Kasher III? Well, I might be Moshe Kasher III appearance on Dumb People. Hey, now. You've been here multiple times because you're just friend of the show. Friend of ours.

Friend of ours. One of the fastest, funniest, best people we know. And someone I love seeing when we're out. Yeah. The comedy store. We just stood among many people and had a beautiful conversation Recently one night And it was so wonderful When you came

I was when you came Did our show right I think Yeah it was so good You were We were talking about How you were like An anti-COVID vaccine activist

Yeah it's so weird That I've done so much Of my own research That was cool Well because I did the research I want to share it Yeah well you were on stage Screaming about it

And it was very uncomfortable And by research I mean I heard something Sometime And it came my way. So the world's getting dumber, thank God. Oh, yeah, that's good for you, huh? It's great for us. Business is booming.

Bad for the world. It'd be fine if it leveled off. It's bad for the world. It's like we're like the guys at the casino that bet the don't pass line, that bet when people to lose at crafts. You're shorting the world. You're shorting humanity. We bet the don't pass line that bet when people people to lose it grabs you're shorting the world you're shorting humanity that's the real big short right here so this is the big dumb so our awesome fans send us stories and i don't know if this we did this the last time you were on but

now each of us get to do a story that we then present to you last time i think it was all dan dan's got the first one should we jump into one and then we'll get into what motion's got going on also i forgot to take off my band-aids that i realized and it is possibly probably could have done my own dumb story because people are going to watch this and be like the fuck's with daniel's he tried to stop a saw you're not far off what did you do what did you do dan so i was using a julian nope vegetable cutting machine yes right taking some things sure and your thumb went right into the thing the like uh it broke off like the hand like where it snaps in and you put it over the vegetable you go yep snapped off so then i was like oh i gotta put this back on so i gotta put it back on but

what i in between me saying i gotta put this back on and then trying to put it back on, I should have lowered the razor blade and flushed it so that it doesn't elevate out. And so I'm holding it, trying to put the thing back on. With both thumbs. And then it snaps off again while I'm doing it. And as it snaps off, I go like this. No. You Julianned yourself.

You Julianned your fingers. That's called a self Julian. It's called a self. That's called autoerotic Julian. It's called a Julian Lennon. That's a Julian Margulies. That hurt a lot. There was a portion when I was like.

The David Carradine of Julianic. Of this experience where I was like, one thumb is fuck. Yeah. Two thumbs is comedy. I can't text. Two thumbs is fuck. Two thumbs is comedy. I can't text. Two thumbs is hilarious. Who's got two fucked up thumbs and doesn't know how to use a hand? I'm trying to apply pressure to both thumbs

at the same time to get them to stop bleeding holding them like over my head and I'm like this is a fucking two thumbs is you've devolved actually. You're no longer homo sapien. Yes. All of the skill of the human. Unoppos of the human it is the most annoying thing in my life right now those are your hitchhiking thumbs every time you dan how my button fly jeans every single one of them and you only do button fly only levi's button fly

last time we did a show this guy is the king of the button fly, and he's got great thumbs. Who's got two thumbs? Well, speaking of thumbs, how is that going for you? It's harder. It's harder. I bet. You have to do it kind of more otter style. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

More classic otter eating an oyster style. I'm lobster style. I'm like a dolphin trying to hold a coffin. Damn. I'm like a dolphin trying to hold a coffin. Okay, here we go. Sent in by Asa Finance at Dragon ILM. Thank you. Florida man. This is the headline.

Florida man arrested, obviously, after locking himself into Little Caesars that he burglarized. Yep. Intentional or not intentional? Locking himself. You mean this is like an attic pizza pizza. Dum-dum. Dream bigger.

Dream bigger, right? Why Little Caesars? That's a great point. You've had Little Caesars recently? I'm not saying it's gross. I'm saying it's the cheapest of all foods. Right. How much money could be in the cash register even on a good night? $99 but he's like the money is hot and ready i don't care about the quality

look the denomination of the bill is not important to me and what do you always say like lock yourself in the store you wish to be in sure like if you're if you are you're right if you are gonna break into somewhere it doesn't risk it all do you want to say it was a Little Caesars? Do you think he said, et tu, locking door? Guys, this is fun. Guys, that's a knife in the back of this guy's attempt. I'll say this about it. I can't believe Little Caesars has locks at all.

You know what I mean? For what? They'd just be like, look, if you guys want it, just take it. Totten ready. You take it. Take it. A Florida man dressed only in boxer shorts did he say i locked it locked it yes there you go okay there you go a florida man dressed only in box

just i don't i'm so sorry to interrupt but i do i do a crazy little caesar impression let's hear it well i don't want to like kind of blow everybody no we might end the show on this are you okay you do it now and that'll probably i think i'm fine with that can i plug the book or just i'll just do the impression later pizza'll plug the book later. Pizza, pizza. That is so good. You nailed it. Excellent.

It's almost two days. Does anybody have goosebumps? I have goosebumps. My mouth is watering. Florida man dressed only in boxer shorts and socks was arrested after breaking into a Little Caesars and making his way through the drive-thru window. Oh, so he climbed in.

Yes. And then locked the window. Early Saturday morning, Chad Korn. Chad Korn! Chad Korn. I love Chad Korn. That's my favorite popcorn snack. You know it's spelled K-O-R-N. I wish. I mean, it's how he signs it, but it's a legal C.

Chad Korn. Chad Korn is the Little Caesars of names. Chad Korn, when I grew up in Iowa, and that was a treat we had every Halloween. Chad Korn. Yeah, we'd gather around the Chad Korn and tell scary stories. Early Saturday morning, Chad Korn. He is literally a child of the Korn. Chad Korn of Milton, Florida, decided to check the door to the Little Caesars on Navy Boulevard.

Oh, he found the door unlocked. So he went through the drive-thru window, might not being the way he gets out. Yes, sure. He found the door unlocked. The burglar then decided he had the skills necessary to pull off a daring mid-morning heist. How many times did he punch the cash register to see if it would open up? Mid-morning. Yelled at it.

Yeah. You open up! Why is Little Caesars open mid-morning? Why? It's not. Go ahead, Moshe. What were you going to say? The door was unlocked.

This is going to be good. I mean, I can't even believe we moved past it. Yeah. He punches the cash register and says, the crust is stuffed. Why not the register? That's right. The dust is stuffed. Why not the register?

That's right. According to deputies, Korn opened the door and began to gather the goods. First, it was a bottle of water. Then two. He couldn't bring himself to pass by a wrapped brownie on the counter, so he grabbed it as well. Are they good? Are those Little Caesars brownies brownies good? Good?

The person who wrote this, by the way, began and ended this sentence with, according to deputies. Okay. So, according to deputies. According to deputies. Yada, yies, brownies. Good, good. The person who wrote this, by the way, began and ended this sentence with, according to deputies. Okay. So according to deputies. According to deputies. Yada, yada, yada. According to deputies. Great. They're dumb, too.

Corn made his way through the store and notices an employee's apron. He placed the apron around his waist to complete his outfit. Don't clock in. I will say this. Corn makes its way through everyone. And he just winds up going out the back door. fully intact i love that he wanted an apron but this guy is not i would say a master criminal no two bottles of water and a brownie so far and an apron so far okay right sorry i mean an apron is like the a certain upgrade to what he's wearing boxers and socks yes i agree also

that you know i don't even though it's florida to me the socks are wet yeah always annoying they started white and they're brown swamp socks couldn't bring himself to go past the brownie he grabbed that he already had the water uh on his way through the story noticing apron he put that around his waist to complete his outfit sure there's something about boxer shorts tube tube socks, and a corporate-inspired apron that must have empowered the burglar. Well, we got a real writer on our hands here. According to Devin. With his collection of stolen items, he makes his way to the door.

This is where the poorly planned escapade begins to unravel. You see, the door from which he had just entered was now locked. That door failed to lock for employees entered was now locked right the door fit the door that door failed to lock for employees but now worked to perfection he had locked himself inside how many how how much you think like in that moment when it locked he thought i'm someone's gimp now for the next oh yeah yeah or he thinks i've got my own house yeah i live at this little seat here also there has to be a handwritten note under the like list of things to do when closing up little scissors it says the door doesn't always work make sure you check it that's right right

because of this pepperoni yeah exactly okay so dan they probably it probably almost all the way shut exactly but didn't quite go all the way in, but he made sure he slammed it shut. Of course. Yeah. He cares. Yeah. Desperate to escape. He finds through the darkness of pizzas past.

Wow. A dimly lit opportunity. Tennessee Williams over here. Opportunity. I know. He wonders ellipses. If he can get past the suspended ceiling tiles, he can access the roof and regain his freedom.

It's freedom. Also, this is the story of anything. I know. I was like, this is Shawshank. Yeah. It started so perfunctory and just like basic beat reporting.

And now we're in the realm of poetry. Now we're like the underground railroad. He climbs onto an oven so he can pry the tiles free. He pops up through a hole and climbing higher he begins to struggle in present tense like that's it's very literary this is prose yeah this is um what's that move that the short story from the 80s it's all in in third person or second person bright lights big city okay that's what this is oh my god he climbs the oven. He grabs the cocaine. I am Chad Korn's anger from childhood.

He reaches far and farther still. His weight begins to stress the tiles. Failure. Sensing this, he reaches for a group of wires to help stabilize his squirm. Always. If you are a Florida man in wet socks, grab the wires. Stretch you over the grease of the thing. Grab the wires. Grab a wire. This the grease of the thing. Grab the wires. This is the craziest way to tell us what's happening.

So to break it down, he can't get back out through the door. He climbs up on... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt you. Would you mind not gesturing with your disgusting thumbs while you tell this story? It's taking me out of the literary stylings of Chad Corn's views.

I'll just do tour guide hand gestures. So what we're going to do, he climbs up onto the oven. Tries to get to the ceiling tile. Climbs up into the tiles. Tiles start to give way. Yeah, sure. He grabs wires. Grabs wires.

Surrounded by disintegrating tiles and loosely loosely bound wires he falls all the way to the ground he lands on a tumbled heap of wires broken ceiling tiles and hurt feelings i did not write this did say hurt feelings this is 100 this is unbelievable with stars circling his head circling his head like a looney tunes cartoon when little birds chirping with stars circling his head like a Looney Tunes cartoon. When little birds chirping. With stars circling his head, he gathers his senses and stands. A beautiful woman walks by. His tongue falls out of his mouth. He says, auga.

The aroma of a pie in a windowsill, like a finger pulls him towards it. But as he goes to snatch the pie, an anvil seemingly from out of nowhere falls on his head. But then it changes again. The woman walks in. The ding of the bell can be heard. It switches again. I heard her the moment she walked in. Now we're at noir.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is actually noir. This is Florida noir. Florida noir. Florida noir could be the new name of this podcast. Florida noir. She walked in. I was smoking meth Out of a light bulb

All legs and scabs I thought I'd never see those crazy eyes again I said sit right down And it was true because she checked herself in To rehab the next day Take a seat in that Target shopping cart I said you can poop anywhere you like. If you're thirsty, there's cold Mountain Dew in the icebox.

She was my sister and my cousin. Okay, with stars circling his head, he gathers his senses and stands. At about this time, the alarm begins to sound. He panics and hurries towards the drive-thru window. He pulled the alarm cord. That's right. As he makes his way, the phone begins to ring. Little Caesars, can I help you?

Now he's making orders. He's got to get shit out. Okay, I'm going to make this, but I have to go. So if you're not going to pick it up. The cops are on the way. He's on the line. It's not hot and ready yet. Oh, yes.

I'm going to have to write your credit card number down, though. This is what makes it a comedy if he starts filling the order yes and feeling like overwhelmed by his side work why do we not why did we not get all the parmesan cheese out oh no who could it be calling at this hour someone should answer the phone i did not bolster any of this writing someone should answer the phone and corn is that someone. For a reason only Korn knows. Chad Korn, can I help you?

Chad Korn, Korn Industries, former Little Caesars. Chad Korn, hang on one second. Chad Korn, hang on one second. This is Chad Korn. Go for Chad. Go for Chad. Hold, hold, hold. Go for Chad Korn. Oh, he starts answering like agencies do in town.

I have Chad corn for you. Can you hold for a second? That was the best. I will say probably my favorite moment in Bojack Horseman. The, the, the agent calls Bojack and he said, I have so-and-so for you. And he said, okay, I'll take it. And he said, and then the assistant is like, let me see if I can. okay, I'll take it.

And then the assistant is like, let me see if I can get it. That's really funny. That's so funny. It's so inside. It's so dumb. It is like, for who is this joke? For us. Yes.

Literally for the four of us. Let me see if I can get her. All right. For a reason only Korn knows, he answers the phone. The conversation would lead to a level of guilt our burglar had heretofore not considered. Heretofore?

Yes. The guilt would cause him to grab a receipt and leave a note. Satisfied, our burglar heads back to the drive-thru window. At this point... But what has he done? He's taken a brownie and two bottles of water. And an apron. And a ride upstairs.

He fucked the roof up. Yeah, he fucked the roof up yeah he fucked the roof screwed some wires up at this point he's been in the store long enough to qualify for employee to employee for of the month and he dressed for it he fought this person wants out of their job yeah and let's stop with the roast jokes chad corn's had it hard enough that's right he finally had roasted corn though it's pretty good it's pretty good, I used to have it in Iowa, of course. Chateau la corn. He finally crawls out of the drive-thru window and into the parking lot. Little Caesars were the parking lot.

Never seen that in my life. Never. Well, I think they won. Only to come face-to-face with Deputy Jonathan Hill. According to him. Yes. We now have six paragraphs about Jonathan Hill. Born in 1965, Jonathan Hill. Born in 1965.

A mountain of a man. Hill stood before this person. This was the final battle between Hill and Korn. The Hill-Korn fight. Deputy Jonathan Hill. His things don't amount to a hill of Korn. And the green uniform of justice. Oh, wow.

In Florida, these cops have green uniforms. They are green. They are green. Yeah. Struggling to explain his appearance, he is placed under arrest. Korn is charged with burglary exceeding $1,000 in damages and petite theft. Is it petite? P-E-T-I-T.

Petite theft. Petite theft. Petite theft. Oh, wow. The French call that when you almost have an orgasm. Petite theft. Oh, wow. The French call that when you almost have an orgasm. Petite theft. So this reporter is writing this as if he or she is witnessing it in process. Right.

At one point. We are in process. There's multiple different first persons or eyes of the story. This is a real Rashomon. We will get out of here on this. How old isad corn oh here's what you know it's mid-morning which i can only assume they mean noon to noon so 6 a.m so yeah definitely like because it's early somebody's at a little caesars by i think it's 5 a.m i think it's still dark right but we're trying to figure out the age right so i'm saying so i'm trying to give us context of what we know about this guy it's still dark out. But we're trying to figure out the age. Right. That's what I'm saying. So I'm trying to give us context of what we know about this guy.

It's a mid-morning. Right. Which means it was his night. Could be three. Could be four. Could be five. Socks and boxers. Wanted an apron.

Wanted two bottles of water. Socks and boxers could be the name. Possibly we needed a hydrate. True. I think you should honestly, and this is a real pitch. I think you should rename the podcast Chad Corn. Chad Corn or Petite Theft. I mean, either or.

Corn Chronicles. The Corn Chronicles. The Corn Chronicles of Florida Noir. Chad Corn and he don't care. Okay. name the podcast chad corn chad corn or petite theft i mean either or corn cron the corn chronicles of florida noir corn and he don't care okay 52 years old 52 took a brownie that is my age i would say called out of a drive-thru window he is 31 left a note 31 you don't leave a note 46 46 46 a younger man would have nimbly found a way through the roof. To end story one, before Jason takes over story two, plus we hear plugs from me and from Moshe. About his amazing book. I will tell you this.

Chad Korn is 35 years old. Wow. Over here. He's literally in the area where he shouldn't have a baby. But could be president. Yeah, he could be president. He might be president. Honestly, the way things are going.

President of my heart. He could be president. He wouldn't be the worst option. Chad Korn running for president? Mar-a-Lago 2 is now just a Little Caesars in Madison, Florida. He's holding court down there. He's got documents under the wires. All right.

Sklar-a-Lago is coming up after the break, and we find out about Moshe's new book that you must pick up. I'm very excited to read this. We'll be right back with more Dumb People Town with Moshe Kasher right after this. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys.

Welcome back to the show. Very excited to be here. I hope you did something fun in the break. Before we get to talking about this lovely book right here, Daniel, I know you just did Pen Pals at Sketch Fest. I know that when we're recording this, I know that was really fun, but you got stuff on the horizon. I do. My movie's out.

Wine Club is out right now. I heard the screening was amazing, and I'm sorry we were out of town to see it. And I'm sorry I wasn't invited or thought of it anywhere. I'm sorry you weren't invited or thought of either. You can watch it now, too, because where can people watch it? Wherever you stream anything you want to rent, it's available. It's absolutely great. Steve Little's in it.

Taylor Ortega's in it. A whole bunch of really good people. Dan is the lead, motherfuckers. The lead, baby. I am. It's these people elope and then go to a winery and find out it's a cult run by a former child TV star who's played by Steve Little. Hilarious. Wonderful. Great. Super fun. Go to danielvankirk.com, too. and find out it's a cult run by a former child cv star who's played by steve little hilarious

wonderful great super fun uh go to danielvankirk.com too you can just uh click a link right there you can also see all of my dates i will be the first weekend i think eighth ninth i'm in dc and i have other dates coming out as well in may i'll be in wisconsin and my special rose gold drops on april 17th so go to danielvankirk.com we will make a nice push for that uh i'm looking at this gorgeous book moshe cash i love the cover subculture vulture great name for the the book what can people expect with this it's out where can they get it talk to us uh it is i'm super proud of it it's like the thing that i sold over the pandemic that they kept me alive and afloat it's a it's a memoir it the, my second memoir actually, but it's a kind of a concept memoir. It's like a, a trip through the six subcultures that have

created the DNA of my life. So those are, uh, Alcoholics Anonymous. I got sober when I was 15 years old. I've been sober ever since, but I did slowly make a, my way out of it. You're one of the few at Burning Man that, that goes completely sober. I'm the designated art car driver god bless you man hasidic judaism and judaism my father was a born-again hasid after my parent my parents split he became uh immersed in the world of hasidic judaism and i spent my summer vacations cosplaying as an extra from fiddler on the roof thank you while being a oakland public school secular kid the rest of the year and building a tunnel under the city what an interesting dynamic

it was quite a dynamic. To put that cloak on and then not even put it on but then also take it off. It was wild. I mean it was I would literally get picked up at the airport driven to the Hasidic Jewish barber shop. The barber would kind of grunt at me and try to turn my California bowl cut into like

an old world tradition. Like side locky haircut. Put slacks on and a yarmulke and I would go into the old country where all the kids spoke Yiddish as a first language. First language. The dodgeball games in Seagate were the ultra-Orthodox kids versus the actually religious kids. I mean, it was that stark.

We were the non-Jews. They called us goy. We were wearing yarmulkes, and they would scream goy at us. Can I ask you a question? Yeah. Which version of you felt more you as you were finding your identity when did you was it in california comedy did you feel like you were one of these what did i guess you said that one felt like cosplay so you so so maybe you

answered the question i apologize no that i would say that the the judaism stuff and the deaf well that's world three deafness and sign language interpreting my family my all of my family my my father, my mother, my cousins, my half-sisters, half-brothers, all deaf. We had two really close friends growing up, the Molmans, Randy and Scott Molman, who we played sports with, whose parents were both deaf. Both parents deaf. I love these people so much. They came to our game. So we had a deep window into that world. We knew someone who grew up with two parents who were deaf and so

and we were close with these people so both both the kids were they read lips though it's such a weird thing to be born into a deaf uh family because you are simultaneously a member of the culture and a member of the uh opposition party right it's like being born white in wakanda right and you're you you're a citizen of Wakanda, but you also represent the enemy. Right. So all of those swirling. But yeah, in both, even those two out of those six, you are straddling two worlds. I was a straddler.

And that's probably why I ended up going to AA eventually, because the truth is what I found the first time I got high when I was 12 years old was that all that weird difference that I felt that made me feel like a sore thumb. Oh, I'm so sorry to say sore thumb. Stuck out like two. It all went away. But it went away so starkly and so hard that by the time I was 15, I'd been in and out of rehab three times. I've been in mental institutions, arrested more times than I could count. Flunked ninth grade three times.

Assailed with oppositional defiant disorder diagnoses, ADD, conduct disorder, depression, learning disabilities, all that stuff. And I hit rock bottom at 15, which is a strange thing to do. My son is 15. My son is 15. And he's at rock bottom. Well, he started, he was born at rock bottom. He goes, daddy, he's the bane of that family. And he said his parents are both d-e-f well actually I don't know if you know this but I'm about to do a very

bad joke I just made one from my early years of comedy please let's hear it well my mom has always loved and supported my dream of

being a comedian and so much so that she was really supportive even though she could never hear my comedy she would come to some of my early shows and she

would bring like jars of homemade preserves and jellies and she would sell them outside of the club to like support me going on the road and um i see what this is weird you do see where this is going this is weird that you're able to actually track this i see it well the thing about it is at a certain point her thing the preserve she was selling they took on a life of their own. And they actually got, I would say, more famous than even me and my mom. Are you guys familiar with? Yeah, they were sold at the Apollo.

That's right. You guys know about Def Comedy Jam, right? Sure. I've heard it. You walk so far around the cul-de-sac. What was so cool is that your mom wasn't the only person who experienced total silence while you were doing. But people are going to kill us if you don't say what are the other. OK, so.

Well, I guess. Can I guess? Yes. OK. Stand up. So you had Hasidic or Judaism. A. Yes.

A. Judaism. Music. Definitely. Music is in there. Well, raves. When I was about nine months sober, definitely music is in there. Well, raves. When I was about nine months sober, I realized I was 15.

I had the rest of my life in front of me and I wanted to like find a way to have a teenage fun. I randomly bought a ticket to a rave and I walked into this warehouse in Oakland by myself, clean and sober, like nine months, 16 years old and had as close to a Jesus in the desert moment as you can have. I wasn't that beautiful that you realized that you didn't need the drugs and the alcohol to have such a high, like you just probably like, like I just opened a door and unlocked a whole new thing. Doors are the, in some ways the theme of the book. This it's, it, it is about what I make this analogy to like the books i liked reading when

i was a kid were like narnia yes and uh and um uh um you know harry potter is one there's like a thing that opens up to another world exactly you're a weak loser who thinks nobody loves you and you're powerless and just nothing something's fundamentally wrong with you and someday one day somebody opens up a door and you walk through and you go not only am i in a new universe but i am i have superpowers i'm the hero i'm the hero king here so okay so so that so rave uh comedy definitely stand-up comedy in the world of stand-up comedy and is burning man the other one well at about a year into going to raves i heard there was a rave in the desert this is 1996 and i that was enough to get me to jump into a car and drive six hours in the middle of nowhere to something i did not know what i was doing and where i was going and i got there in 96 16 years old and i stepped out of my car

and i go i don't know what this is but this is not a rave and this is when burning man was was what it was supposed to right way back in the purest early days of what it is it was 7 000 it was supposed to be. Right. Way back in the purest early days of what it is. It was 7,000. It was in Black Rock City, but it was dangerous. Two people died. There was a guy that was dead before I got there. There were drive-by shooting ranges. People were getting run over in their cars. I was 16, and my mind was absolutely blown.

Sure. And last year was my 24th time going. I worked at Burning Man for 15 years. I have seen how the psychedelic sausage is stuffed. I've seen it change from, as they say, a place where weird people used to go to feel normal to a place where normal people go to feel weird.

That's right. And now I am 44 years old and looking back on all of these worlds. And in each of these segments, I tell a history. It's not just my story. It's the story of the world. So in each of these segments, I tell a history. It's not just my story. It's the story of the world. So it's one part history,

one part comedy, one part memoir. And I'm very proud of it. So let me ask you two questions about it. One, people should buy the book just because books are important. And you're supporting one of our friends who is a phenomenal writer and comedian.

Two, if someone is like, I have a hard time reading. I don't have time in my life i i don't know how to do it they should get the audiobook because i'm assuming you read it you did the audio actually i'm gonna hook your listeners up and say i'm gonna read from page one the entire book on this episode of sounds great and you don't even have to buy no i want you to buy it or buy the audio idea or bother you read the audio book i read the audio so I want you to do one of the two. This is your way to support comedians. Like, comics like us are creating material, Dan's special, something like this.

This is how you support comedians like us, and this is how we get to do more things like this. I'm just excited. If I didn't know you, I would want to read this book. Are you doing a tour of it? I am doing a tour. I leave on the 30th. I'll be in Austin and then D.C. and then New York, San Francisco, Portland, and Los Angeles. Everything is on my website, MosheKasher.com, M-O-S-H-E-K-A-S-H-E-R.

Go watch him read and then buy the book when he comes. Get him to sign it. I will say this. The book is funny and the book is super interesting and informative, but it's also really emotional and I put a lot of myself into it. And it's really a story about looking back and realizing that only in hindsight can you see like the sort of glowing path of destiny and maybe destiny's random and a bullshit concept or maybe it's actually like a myth a mystical concept but

looking back and realizing that I was always sort of headed here I was always headed to dumb people town yes you were yes you were if I hadn't gone through all these iterations, I wouldn't have met my wife. I wouldn't have started comedy. I wouldn't have my career. I wouldn't have my daughter. We saw that happen. Yeah. We watched that whole thing happen as friends of both of you guys. Oh my God. This is like, I cannot wait for this subculture vulture. Pick it up. Listen to the audio book, go see him on live on the tour of motioncacher.com. And you can like, see if he's coming to a city near you. Heck yeah. Go see him and go up and say, Hey, I heard you on dumb people people town i love that you're here and this is it jay all right i got another person who was destined to be in dumb people let's hear it here sent in

by jay croney at jay croney thanks jake uh woman in pink dress steals tractor florida cops say and then it got weird what so all right sure She's kind of a Princess Peach Mario Kart situation. Or Barbie just continued. Barbie extended. Why not? Barbie the farmer? Farmer Barbie. Farmer Barbie.

Farmer Barbie. FarmerBarbie.com. A woman wearing a pink dress is accused of carrying out a series of odd thefts in a rural Florida community, one of which involved riding off on someone's and we'll do a guessing game right now. John Deere tractor. How much was this tractor? Oh,

is it worth? Yeah. The tractor. You go, you think, you know, well, I have a general idea of the cost of farm.

I'm gonna go 12 K 12 K. Oh, I'm going to say like $38,000, $250,000. No, really? It's like that. I'm going to, like that i'm gonna i'm depends on the tractor one dollar one dollar okay get your answers in this john deere tractor cost 120 000 wow you were close and you were on the right direction damn according to some it's like a fire truck dude no fire trucks are a million dollars the cost of like you guys know what a combine is yeah yeah it's a grindy thing it's the kind of thing that has the long arms as a long arm you

would run up and put both arms harvest me harvest me chad corn chad corn chad corn the the price on those is like crazy i I think like $600,000. I mean, they're in. They make your life easy. You have to combine incomes in order to afford one. It's all in the book. All right. Why this one?

One of the tractors unclear, but detectives note that it was not the strangest thing taken during the spree. Bedsheets. Bedsheets. Hey, while you're out. Hey, man. Hey, it's hard to find a good fitted sheet uh linen and man blue jeans baby is she from russia toiletries sure toiletries that makes sense single used apron from a local wait a minute chad three q-tips all right camouflage

wading boots those are just shoes in flor, to be fair. Right, right. That could be like, I'm going out to the club tonight, you're wearing your waiting boots? Yeah, you go to a Foot Locker in Florida, it's just all hip-hugger waiting boots. Every year, at this point, only for myself, when I am up at my family's little cabin in Wisconsin, it is quite popular for men and women to wear camo everywhere they everywhere they go they

want to blend in there's just at some point in the night where i'm like i all you i get all these floating heads like i try to like give them shit about wearing camo and no one ever thinks it's funny no but they don't dan you know what you need to start saying is when you see people thank you for your service in desert storm. I appreciate everything you did. What was it, Desert Shield? It was Shield, not Storm? Okay, thank you. Bed sheets, blue jeans, toiletries, camouflage, waiting boots, several packages of frozen...

Are you reading We Didn't Start the Fire? Bed sheets, blue jeans, and camouflage, waiting boots, and several packages of frozen venison. Wait, is that real? Yeah, several packages of frozen venison. Wait, is that real? Yeah. Several packages of frozen venison. That's a good poll, actually. That's a great poll. Such a good lean meat.

You need to wrap it in the sheets. Oh, I love venison. And a bottle of wine. And a bottle of wine. This is a party. Wait, there's a sheet? There's a sheet. There's a meal.

So in case there's a Hasidic couple needs to have sex, there's the sheet. Wait a second. Yes. Did you just say in case a Hasidic couple needs to have sex through a sheet? Yes. In my book. Sorry to derail. Why sex through a sheet? Yes. In my book. Sorry to derail. Go.

Go. In my book. The show's called Derail Town. In my book, Subculture Vulture, I deal with the nasty rumor that is so pervasive in the Jewish world that some Jews believe it about Hasidic Jews, which is this rumor that we have sex through a sheet. And it is not true. Okay. Why would it be true? Believe it about Hasidic Jews, which is this rumor that we have sex through a sheet. And it is not true.

Why would it be true? Why would they do such a thing? I don't know. But here is the origin of that rumor. Let's hear it. In ancient times. No, in pre-war Europe, Jews and non-Jews would live in a village together. Honestly, which war? The first or second?

Let's say pre-World War I. All the time. 1800s. Wherever we are, we're in the pale of settlement. Jews and non-Jews are kind of living in villages side by side. They don't have dryers, and they do it old school style. Their laundry, they will hang it from a line in the yard. And the non-Jewish children, and Jews wear this thing called a talis,

but it's called a tzitzi, which is like a prayer garb with a hole for your head. You've seen these before, right? It almost looks like a penny if you're playing pickup basketball. A penny? They call those pennies. Oh, yes, exactly. That's right. So it's got a hole for your head. You put it over your head. So they would launder their little prayer garment and they would put it on their laundry line and little non-Jewish children would walk by the yard of the Jewish families and see hanging from the laundry line a big square sheet with a hole in the middle and think the only logical thing you think when you see a square of cloth,

they go, somebody's fucking through that piece of cloth. Glory to God, man. Gotta be. Gotta be. And it became such a pervasive myth that Jews believe it about themselves. But I said it today. People say it to me when I say my family was Hasidic.

They go, oh, they fucked with sheep. Did you know that? I go, yeah, tell it about themselves. I said it today. People say it to me when I say my family was Hasidic. They go, oh, they fucked with sheep. Did you know that? I go, yeah, tell me about it. That's why my dad's not allowed within 70 feet of a bed, bath, and beyond. That's right. That's the beyond. Yes, that's the joke. Before he got there, it was just called bed and bath.

What culture were you living in when you lost your virginity? Oh, I lost my virginity not in Seagate. I lost my virginity in Oakland. Okay. I assumed, but it would be wild. I did it through a do-rag. Oaktown, Oaktown, Oaktown. All right.

The woman is also accused of sleeping in one of the victim's bed. Is she a modern-day Goldilocks? She is. She is. This is it. Pinky Locks. It is a fun concept to think of goldilocks it's just really really methed out that's our bit that's right yes we're doing each other's

bit today we have our bit the premise of our bit is that fairy tales read like police blotters that's great if you were to put the phrase a florida man or a florida woman in front of the plot of a fairy tale totally works flor Florida woman breaks into a house, eats their food, breaks a chair, is found passed out in the kid's bed. That's incredible. Goldilocks. Are you guys going to do that? Can I do it? No, no. Can I start doing it now? We do it. Oh, I can do it, Daniel.

Dan, stop giving permission. That's awesome. Alright, that's cool. Come see me on my book tour. I'm going to do all this stuff. Hang on a minute. We're performing at the same club where Carlos Mencia is performing weeks before. I think he might take the bit. Okay. At last count, the suspect was facing.

This is exhausting. The amount of things she did. She has to carry around. I mean, I know it's probably drug fueled, but I always get weird when we have a story where someone makes me feel bad about what I've gotten done in a day. Yeah, I can do one podcast. This woman does more. She's multitasking. She's on the lam.

She's got an entire wardrobe and a meal and a meal with high-end games. She's on the lam in Frozen Land. And took time to rest. She's facing what? How many misdemeanors and how many felonies with more possible? Oh my God. How many misdemeanors? Misdemeanors, 15. I was going to go 16. I'll go 16. 16. How many felonies with more possible? Oh, my God. How many misdemeanors? Misdemeanors, 15. I was going to go 16.

I'll go 16. 16. How many felonies? I'll go nine on the misdemeanors. I'll go 11 felonies. I'm going to go two felonies. I'm going to go 20 felonies. This is what is shocking.

Randy, you're in the right track. Three misdemeanors and a whopping 35 felonies. I mean, come on. Why? It shouldn't be any. It should just be you're released. Go to rehab. Right. Or let's say. 35 fel just be you're released. Go to rehab. Right.

Right. Or let's say. 35 felonies for taking a tractor and some jeans. So someone who's taking jeans and venison and stuff like that, I think the cops should be like, let's just release her and see what she does next. Let's release her with a bow and arrow. To be fair, unless you haven't gotten to it, she hasn't done anything violent. No, she's not a threat.

She's not hurt any other person. This is sort of like, to me, it should be one felony if you're going to ring her up. Tell that to the deer community. Criminal mischief. They're like, that's my uncle in there. They were cut up when I got here, man. Your uncle's in the jeans? Investigators say crimes occurred May 6th in the Kathleen area about 30 miles northeast of Tampa.

A neighbor was the first to report something suspicious after seeing a female in a pink dress was driving a tractor in the area. Why do they keep bringing up the pink dress? Because you don't imagine a woman. And this is maybe our problem. We need to break through the stereotype. A woman in a pink dress driving a tractor. Someone's like, my receptors are up. She's probably not doing work.

Are we all picturing a maxi? What do you mean? A long dress. Oh, long dress we all picturing a maxi? What do you mean? A long dress. Oh, long dress. I'm imagining like a short. Maxi dress. Oh, interesting. A dress that looks like a double-breasted oversized jacket.

I'm not thinking of almost a nightgown. Sure. Like a sheer, all-near-nightgown. But none of us are going like shimmery cocktail. No, no, not fancy. That would be nice. On the way to Mar-a-Lago. I like the idea.

Let her in. I like the idea that they reported something. The neighbor reported something suspicious. I would like to be on that 911 call. I see something suspicious. What is it? She's at it again. Six foot two blonde woman in a pink dress.

Pink dress. Tractor with venison. We're on it. Sir, pink dress, say no more. We're on our way woman and just called back women women on pink dress on tractor which one all right it's not often you see a woman stealing a john deere tractor while wearing a pink dress the sheriff's office wrote on facebook thank you of course obviously they're gonna they like to assess all

other material why do these police departments do this like social media troll my favorite is when they go you can't make this stuff up. And it's like, you can make it up. Or they're like, you'll never believe it. I go, I will. You just said it happened. You can't make this up. And you also can't plant evidence.

You did that. You can't make this up. I'm like, have you never seen the movie The Cell? You can make it up. No. You know what's crazy is I wonder if they check their Facebook posts and be like, how many likes? How many likes?

How many likes for that one? For sure they do. I'm guaranteed. We get a lot of likes on it. And I think it's because you said you can't make this up. They found the, okay, a farm property manager managed to detain the suspect on the tractor. A nice big John Deere model.

Not a farmer. 6120R stalled, the sheriff's office said. Then deputies arrived and arrested her. They found the woman had a knife with a how many inch blade on it? She lives in Florida. She hasn't tried to use the knife. No, the knife is just an accessory

in Florida. All she's done and nobody's had used her knife to blank. That's just a gator gutter right there. That ain't nothing but a gator gutter. 15 inch blade. I'm going to go 7. 9. 5 inch blade. Wow. Along with. No, that's good. Really big.

Long. No. Long. Earthy too. She had the five inch blade along with other people's credit debit cards. Okay. Social security cards. Okay.

And a driver's license. This one's got everything. And a dental plan card. Okay. She deserves the 35 felonies. That's meth, right? Meth is like, I need to fix these damn teeth. Good for her though.

Yeah. She's trying to get her life together. Proactive. Thank you. Thank you. The suspect became irate when deputies attempted to put her in a patrol car. The sheriff's office said she kicked and cursed at deputies and even made a death threat or two to death. This is what happens when you run a cult, but no one joins.

Right. You're your own cult. You're everything. All right. Charges in the case include grand theft of course burglary of an occupied dwelling unoccupied dwelling so no one's wearing it wearing a pink dress wearing a pink dress yeah pink dress being a lady on a john deere tractor possession of a concealed weapon it's not jane deer

and batter what happens when drag queens start reading stories to their kids pretty soon you got a lady on a pink dress on john deere tractor you're joking but that's what is it it's not a pride tractor there you go that's the story there you go good lord good lord wait do you do you guys even like it's not even funny anymore when it says florida at the beginning oh no we're like we're in for it yeah we're in it just it is is. It's just standing. It doesn't even stick out. I'm a gigantic apologist for Florida. I love Florida. I think it's cool.

I mean, listen, politically. Do you hang in Florida? I just think it's a beautiful state. So I've been to Western Florida, and my wife's stepfather and mom lived in Sanibel, and it was like one of my favorite places to go. It's gorgeous. It's gorgeous.

St. Pete, Miami. I mean, I love to go to Miami. Let's name more cities. I love to go to miami more cities i love to go to miami i do cocaine for a week right and i just so my heart hang on a second you're sober not miami's home base baby i'm fine guess what else i'm not in miami married and straight all right guys i'm right back we have one more segment. And this is just, again, it's like everybody, let's double check things before we assume things. Okay, that's what this story is about. We'll tell you what we have going on.

It's Dumb People Town with Moshe Kasher. I'm holding the book, Subculture Vulture. Pick it up now. Pick it up in the break or get the audio book. We'll be right back. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more.

Don't you go down. I don't know about you guys, but I just went through all the things that I have subscriptions for. And I'm like, why do I have a subscription? There's at least five you don't have. Why am I paying money for this? J.J. just did it. I did it with Rocket Money.

They helped me because I had tried to cancel this golf subscription that I had to this golf service that was giving me, it was so hard to get to them and have them respond to me in order to cancel the subscription. Rocket money did it. They just handle it for you. It saves you time. It saves you money. Look, we subscribe to things and we forget about them. And then, you know, we want to clean things up. This is how you can clean up your life and help yourself save some money. Money that's flying out the door you don't even realize. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions. Right?

Period. We just talked about. They monitor your spending and it helps lower your bills. Doesn't this all sound awesome? Brilliant. When you do it, you can see all your subscriptions in one place. That's what I love. If I see something that I want, I just cancel it with a tap.

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That's rocketmoney.com slash DPT. One more time. Rocketmoney.com slash DPT. Stick around. Make us down. There's more

about people down. Hey guys, welcome back to the show. Before we get into it, I think, I'm assuming this one is going to drop soon because this is out. We want to, you know, get this going. We're going to be in Denver at the Great Comedy Works.

God bless Comedy Works. We were on the South Club. We were there last time. I love the South Club. It's like a beautiful theater. Oh, the bigger one? Yeah. The landmark one.

First, that story is in the book. First club I ever headlined. Really? They called, I remember my agent called me and said uh they uh the denver comedy works wants you and i go great who am i opening for and he goes they want you to headline and i go what oh yeah he said do you have 45 minutes ago of course yes and then get off the phone or like i need 35 more minutes i told every joke i'd ever written including open mic jokes and i remember the clock on the stage counted down from 45 and i mean the last word of the last joke it was like 45

minutes exactly good night everybody yeah you by the way you were performing at comedy works we had not gotten in there this is like maybe 12 13 years ago and we were in town doing in town doing another show and then we came over at the end and you let us come up after you finished which is like such a weird thing to come up after the headliner is done but you allowed us to do it and we had a great set and then they booked us so that's why that's how you got in i think there was i mean you guys are huge and we know that you would have gotten in eventually but i will take credit for that you take credit for that take so we'll be there uh the first through the third of february we want to sell those shows out i love that and then we're

back to the first club we ever worked. The very first club. Mark Ridley's Comedy Castle, the first weekend. First gig we ever got paid at a comedy club. That's in the first weekend in March in Royal Oak, Michigan. Is that a great place? Yeah, it's big. There is a guy who every time I post a gig, I feel so bad.

He goes, please come to Mark Ridley's Comedy Castle. We'll tell you how it is. I mean, he's just a fan. And he's obsessed with me getting the Mark Ridley's Comedy Castle. We'll tell you how it is. I mean, he's been years. He's just a fan. And he's so obsessed with me getting the Mark Ridley's. It's in a cool part of Detroit. And we've recently just, you know, after doing a bunch of stuff for University of Michigan, I think we'll have some people who might come see us.

I hope so. So anyway, that's very excited about that. And then Minneapolis Acme at the beginning of April. And then at the end of April, we're doing Moon Tower. And in May, we're going to be in Salt Lake City doing Wise Guys. All right. Anyway, superschoolers.com. Can I get into this, please?

Let's do this right now. Okay, this is sent in by Professor Demerita at Anne McCarthy. Oh, thanks, Anne. The story comes from September. We're jumping all over the place. Here we go. You ready for the headline? Classic McCarthyism.

Police, right? Police called to yoga class mistaken for mass killing whoa so corpse pose turned into a whole new meaning thank you i like this a yoga class was cut short after a member of the public called the police to report a mass killing after seeing several people lying on the fort now i agree someone reports a mass killing the police can't just be like, nah. Yeah, whatever. What are they wearing? Is it a pink dress? Wait, Rick. But what's this?

So some woman walks out of a Michael's with her bags, goes past a yoga place, sees a bunch of people. Oh, my God. Looks in and is like, oh, my God. 9-1-1, guys. And she probably bangs, right? And then the teacher is also there and is like, ignore all the outside sounds. This is what you call news brain.

You know, that's a person that's been watching CNN 24-7 for like seven days and just knows that something horrible happened. Or watching every true crime documentary ever. Wait, so, Rand, you got to tell your thing about your yoga class, your hot yoga class. So when I first started doing it, I misheard. Did I say this on this podcast? I misheard what the person said.

So she was naming all the poses in Sanskrit. And one of them was called Janu Sharasana. But I heard Johnny Sharasana. And to me, that was the funniest thing ever. So I'm doing it. And I'm thinking of like Johnny Sharasana is what the guys on the Sopranos called the one guy who did yoga once. He walks over like, Hey, a regular Johnny fucking Shiraz over here.

Why don't you put your head between your balls? Why don't you bend over and suck my dick? I'll put you in corpse pose. Anyway. So I, I'm now doing this bit for everyone in the class. You're talking when you stand up and start doing stand up? After the class where everyone's sweaty and hanging out okay and i'm like yeah regular johnny fucking i'm loud and

i'm like doing this like i'm new to the yoga scene i know i keep my voice down and the teacher who has no sense of humor walks just walks right out here's the whole thing i'm saying it's johnny and walked right back in the room and i was like all right regular johnny fucking participants in the class which was being held at the seascape cafe is that where you were a acidic jew and seascape sea gate thank you very similar okay at the sea gate now sea gate is part of the church of scientology right well i will say the yoga scene in Seagate is lacking. It's a bit lacking. There were three TV shows that I think are exactly the same. Farscape, Seagate, and there's one other one.

Stargate? Stargate. Stargate, Seascape, and Fargate. Anyway, participants in the class are being held there inside the North Sea Observatory in Chapel St. Leonard's Skeegness Lincolnshire. We're in the middle. British just love to name things. We're in the midst of meditation when officers turned up Wednesday night in a Facebook post.

God damn you. The cafe said, oh, the cafe is posting this on Facebook. We are not dead. We are alive. No mass killing here. Stop doing the Johnny Shirasana bit. Someone had reported a mass killing after seeing people on the floor inside the building.

I heard somebody at your yoga studio reported a mass killing after you did your Johnny Shirasana. Hey, it's the Johnny Bo. How you doing? Side five between the Joneses. Side five in a long time. Warrior pose. How you doing? He comes back the next week.

Remember me? It's Johnny Sarasana. He's like, we're not into it, dude. No, no. We said no. What's that dog so down about? Nobody says no to Johnny Sarasana. Hey, look who's here.

I'm going to make him an offer. If anyone heard the mass of police sirens, you can't use mass of police sirens when describing a mass killing. You're not allowed to use the word mass. Also, it's murder. I've never heard mass killing. In Chapel St. Leonard's, at what time? It's 3 o'clock in the afternoon.

3 o'clock in the afternoon? Yes. 9 a.m. If you hear the sirens, if everyone's dead, just kind of slowly go over there and be like, oh, it's too late anyway. Put the mirror up and then see. You say 3, you say 9 a.m.

10.30 a.m. Get your answers in town. 10.57. This thing took place at 9.30 p.m. last night. Please be reassured. They were on their way to the observatory after someone reported a mass killing in our building, having seen several people laying on the floor, which actually turned out to be a yoga class in meditation. person just saw a documentary about jonestown yeah it was like

everyone drank the kool-aid and that's the end it's news brain y'all which can we stop using we drank the kool-aid as like a thing about like yeah we really drank the kool-aid about that uh in the corporate office like we drank the kool-aid on that memo you everyone died women and children you forced your children to watch okay good uh so uh the face we are not part of any mad cult or crazy clubs they said all in all the situation turned out positive and we are of course grateful grateful to who who are you grateful to here for that nobody's not dead look the norsey observatory has a large triangular windows that face the sea a A Facebook post on the cafe's page say the venue holds new moon yoga classes on Wednesdays from 730 to 9. You know, they were like, guys, you can sign up now.

You know, they use it as a way to promote it. Where you can feel called to deep dive into our lunar cycle. Now it's like. That's having sex on the period. Thank you. A deep dive into the lunar cycle is. Pictures in the post. The tide is high.

You call that the strawberry dip. The little dipper. More like the big dipper. The little dipper. Lincolnshire police confirmed to the PA news agency that the call was made at 856 with good intentions. So it wasn't like, hey hey you should get a prank it wasn't a part of it feels like you do find them just like some sort like a $50 they have to now then say what you got to check that out after you see that it's just yoga class because now you're like is this person dumb and do they not see that there's yoga like wouldn't

you go through all the things before you call the police? This is the thing that like. How about a knock on the window? Hey, you guys all dead? No? Okay. Okay. Someone just make a, someone fart.

Just do anything to just make a noise. And you do Cobra and get up and look at her and go, I got a bit I could do. Look at me, I'm a snake. This is the only cobra I don't pay for, okay? My favorite cobra was Stallone. What's the copay on this, bitch? All right. A call was made following concerns for the occupants of the North Sea Observatory.

They said officers attended, were happy to report everyone was safe and well. To me, I would have loved it if the officers all laid down and took a picture with them as well. Sure, of course. observatory they said officers attended were happy to report everyone was safe and well to me i would have loved if the officers all laid down and took a picture with them as well but apparently they did not they did not that's it just a stupid dummy just check knock twice check twice before you do the thing that is measure twice cut once mother that's are you dead are you dead no keep on stretching continue uh are you a tree, that's just tree pose? Okay. Good.

Regular fucking tree pose. The book. The book. Subculture vulture. If you like the mafia. I love this book. Actually, there is crime in this book. I love how there's-

What, your crime? You committed crime? Well, when I got into the rave thing, I very quickly started throwing my own parties, DJing, and then eventually I became maybe the world's only teenage clean and sober ecstasy dealer and I spent that was how I made my living is selling ecstasy pills for never made as much money in your life yeah that was the good old days maybe you were driving a nice car at that point well you know I they called me and they said they want you to sell drugs and I said really for who they said no they want you to headline can you do it for 45 minutes

I only have do you have 45 xc mills I was like yes I do just like I just got 45 pick it up love you Moshe thanks for coming on this is so great and to all our fans oh shit we gotta get back to work stick around make a sound there's more

people town