Dumb People Town - Moshe Kasher - Ornamental Sword

Episode Date: January 14, 2020

Moshe Kasher comes to town to hear about a couple who gets engaged after a bizarre robbery. In story 2, a man is caught doing donuts in front of a night club. In story 3, there is an unusual new trend in self care. Don't miss Dumb People Town LIVE at Sketchfest in San Francisco Friday January 17th! https://sched.co/Xz5F

Skypains Avenue Couldn't make this up. Dumb, dumb. So listen to our podcast band. With co-host Armand Dan. Dumb and jerk. Don't be a jerk. Cause when the music hits the funny hits. We are gonna take you down. Stick around. Make a sound.

Hunker down. It's Dumb People Town. Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Jew. I mean Moshe Kasher. Welcome to the show. Bye tell you how fun it was to be on your podcast that we did live at uh ucb with the craziest story i've ever it was that was wild it was a hound tall it's called hound tall yeah it's sort of like a ted Talk meets Mystery Science Theater.

You had a guy tell, and I'm just going to, I don't want to give the full story. Go back and listen to our episode. Our episode of it. With Ron Funches and who was the guy's name? Who did I forget? Australian comic. Monty Franklin. Monty Franklin, who was kidnapped twice in Mexico. The funny part was that he was so Australian, he was kind of complicit in his own kidnapping.

It was kind of like, you deserve this. He threw away most of the details in that. Like it was just a night at a party. So I walked for 29 miles and you're like, what? The best part was when he goes, and then there was a man with a white suit. That's all we're going to say. You want to hear it, listen to it. Well, Moshe Kasher is with us.

He is one of our favorite people to pierce the dumb bubble that is happening in the world right now. We'll promote his stuff, what he has going on. We'll talk about it later, but we got dumbness to get into right now. Daniel Van Kirk, what do we got? We have a story sent in by Save the Muck Dogs at Jake Groney. It has some sort of muck dog situation that he's trying to save. Groney, Groney, Groney. Couple, here's the headline.

Couple got engaged at Walmart hours after staging robbery. Oh. Oh, that's very sweet. There's something sweet. Isn't there something nice about it? By the way, there is like a ride or die attitude with those two people. Scene of the crime. It's kind of a Bonnie and Clyde, but on a much, much lower scale.

Yeah. Burke County, North Carolina. It's like a roll back the prices on a Bonnie and Clyde. Well, if they're at a Walmart, the chances are it's a shotgun wedding. She's probably pregnant or has the shotgun already. And they stole a shotgun. And ammo. This comes from WSOCTV.com.

Okay. Authorities said a clerk and her fiancé. You know she was like, put fiancé, motherfucker. Put fiancé. Because we're engaged now. I'm not just the mother of his kids. Have been charged after they planned and carried out an armed robbery at the Morganton convenience store where the woman worked. Surveillance video shows a man armed with an ornamental sword.

She's saying, make sure you put fiance. He's saying, make sure it says ornamental Oh babe look at the ornament You see what that is? That ornament? That's a diamond That's a cubic zirconia You only know because I told you Babe this isn't just a regular sword

There's some serious ornament to it Right You know it's so ornamental he hung it on his Christmas tree. For sure. You don't think these are Jews? I'm just kidding. Surveillance video shows a man armed with an ornamental sword robbing

Big Daddy's Minute Mart. That is the name of it. That's asking you to get robbed. Big Daddy's Minute Mart. And you know how they spell it? M-I-N-I-T. That's minute. Minute Mart. Minute Mart. Big Daddy.

Big Daddy. Actually, you know that he went in earlier to case a joint, and then he asked Big Daddy for permission to do it. Is it Big Daddy Cane? By the way, how do we know that this isn't a full- I'm just going to suggest a store. Please, just stay with me. I love when someone tells you their joke's going to take a minute.

Big Daddy's Canes. And it's just a store that sells ornamental canes, like really special, like pimp canes, with like goblets that are attached to the top. I like that. And it's owned by Big Daddy Cane, and it's somewhere. Big Daddy's Canes. Big Daddy's Canes. Right next door, MC's Hammers.

It's a hardware store. Perfect. Yeah. Perfect. Why aren't these things there? And true to form, at MC Hammer's, way too many employees for what you need on the floor. They're bankrupt again? What happened?

They just came out. When you ask, you ask, do you have this in a slightly larger size? They go into the back, they look through, and from the back you hear them scream, uh-oh, uh-oh, here comes the hammer. Uh-oh. That's right. And all over the store, it says you break it, you buy it. You cannot touch any of this.

When the kids come in, the proprietor says, can't touch this. I also love that the store starts on one block and then moves over to another block and then moves back to the first block. My favorite part in MC Hammer's Behind the Music is that moment when he realized someone told him he had 83 people working for him and why he was out of money. Like, what are you out of money? Like, you have 83 people on stage with you. He bought the Oakland Police Department a helicopter. Why? I don't know.

It's the least rapper thing to do. And most rapper. Right. Most rapper thing to do. I'm going to buy you this to bust me. So the guy with the ornamental sword robs Big Daddy's Minute Mart on Carbon City Road Monday night. sword robs Big Daddy's Minute Mart on Carbon City Road Monday night. The store's clerk, Callie Carswell, appeared to be distraught as she called 911.

Winner of American Idol Season 5. Callie Carswell. Callie Carswell. Even though investigators said- She was amazing. No one ever thought- No one thought she could win. Her grandmother definitely didn't think she could win. Investigators said they believed the sword-wielding robber was-

Her grandmother, who's her best friend. Hold on, because I had another rip, and I didn't want she would. Investigators said they believed the sword-wielding robber was... Her grandmother, who's her best friend. Hold on, because I had another rip, and I didn't want to cut off either. But actually, the reason she won is that she took out her nearest competition by hiring someone to kneecap them with one of MC's hammers. There it is. That's a tiny-hearted tie-in. They believe that the sword-wielding robber was Carrie Carswell's fiancee, Clarence Moore. Officials said Moore was in the store earlier wearing the same pants seen on the robber. So he did go into case the joint and then didn't change his clothes.

Sometimes more is more. They also checked social media accounts and spotted him wearing the same glasses and bandana seen in the surveillance video. Hey, babe, that's my sword bandana. I can't have the ornamental sword. I have to wear the full Confederate outfit with the ornamental sword. I'm not going to go in and rob. It doesn't work any other way. If I don't wear the bandana, people think the North won.

What? In the video, Carswell sobbed as she handed money over from the register and saved to the robber. She's selling it. I'm an actor. I work. Wait, but so if you have someone who works for the store- At Big Daddy's Minute Mart?

At Big Daddy's Minute Mart, why can't you just have her take- The money? Yeah. Yeah, why not? You don't need a sword. Cut out the middleman. And wouldn't she know where the cameras are? But are they staging?

This is my question. So he's coming with the sword. Give me all your money. Meanwhile, she's connected to him. Let me just post. This is a crazy idea, a crazy thought, to your point. Maybe these two weren't all that bright. I'm just saying.

No. Maybe they didn't think all the different things through. They thought it through. You think you bring an ornamental sword because you don't have a plan? That's right. The plan is to ride in through Gettysburg. Cut off the supply lines

to the north at the bridge over the river. This was well thought out. This guy brought an ornamental sword to a sword fight. Yeah. Give me all your money.

All your hugs and kisses too. That's a great, that should be their first dance. Which is ZZ Top. And she considers him to be a ZZ Bottom. In the video, Carswell sobbed as she handed over money from the register

and safe to the robber. Quote, I'm trying, Carswell told the robber through tears in surveillance video. By the way, this could be a fight that they had about something else. I'm trying is about so many other things. Quote, I'm trying. She goes on again. Quote, she says, I'm trying is about so many other things quote i'm trying she goes on again quote she says i'm trying then again quote i'm trying please i have kids this is what i hope

okay they don't have kids no in my mind she was working he came into the store they had a normal conversation he came back to rob her. She doesn't realize it's her fiance. Oh, he's wearing a real mask. That's my hope. Same bandana, same glasses, same pants. She knows that sword because it hangs above their bed and she does not realize. Babe, someone robbed our house

and then came in here and tried to rob us. And he must have robbed you first because he was wearing your pants the whole time. And your bandana. I mean, they're obviously not together, but I would hope. What if he really got her, too? Oh, that would be great. Babe, you said mix it up. That's right.

I'm trying. I'm trying. Please, I have kids. You know them. They're your kids. Yeah, that's... Wait, why? It's never good when the robber's like...

Don't go that far. When the robber's like, I know. To whatever you yell. David and Lisa. Lisa. When the robber left the store Carswell called 911 channel 9's Dave

Faraday oh always the smoking gun himself the Ronan Farrow of Carbondale Boulevard doesn't mind putting on waiters and getting in the flood Dave Faraday was there as Carswell was escorted into the Burt County magistrate's office where she threatened reporters.

Carrie Carswell said to reporters, quote, I will assault you. Very legalistic. Yes. Which makes it scarier to me. I will assault you. Way to take the sexiness out of it. She went on to deny her involvement in the robbery. Quote, watch the video.

I wasn't involved. So she wanted some. The reason she didn't rob, she wanted some deniability. Watch the video. See if I involved. So she wanted some. The reason she didn't arrive, she wanted some deniability. Watch the video. See if I don't say I have kids. You know I'm not involved, right? I said I have kids. I was crying.

Public safety officer said there were inconsistencies with Carswell's story and Moore later confessed to the crime. So he didn't hold up. But wait, there's more. I know. Clarence moore they definitely planned it together it's very unusual but it does happen said lieutenant josiah brown with the morganton police thank god the cop's name is josiah because just when this story couldn't get more southern sheriff josiah josiah beard no Yeah, his belly spilling over his utility belt and his old revolver that doesn't belong in a police force anymore.

Is that a Civil War musket? He communicates via sigh. When police executed a search warrant on Moore's vehicle, they found money from the store. How would you know? And a handwritten list of materials needed to conduct the robbery. Ornamental sword. Same pants. Same pants.

Do not change pants. It said, my good pants. My robbing pants. At Moore's and Carswell's house, police said they found the weapon and clothing worn by Moore during the robbery. The list says real sword, and then it's crossed out, and then written over it, ornamental sword. I don't want anybody to get hurt. With a little arrow. Special occasion. Babe, should I use my real

ornamental? I already wrote it. Just put ornamental above it. Cross it out. Carswell allowed officers to search her cell phone where they found videos of her and Moore getting engaged at Walmart early Tuesday morning after the robbery.

Yep. Oh, so this was total. At first, I thought there was a story about them getting engaged at a Walmart that they then robbed. No. They went to the Walmart because it's a romantic location. That was. Then moved along to pay for some of the stuff that they put on layaway. It was a reward.

Full plan is you come in the middle of the night, rob me while I'm at working. We then take that money to go to Walmart and buy our rings where we'll then have someone film us getting engaged. So Josiah said the planning of a robbery between an employee and their spouse or whatever is not uncommon. I wonder how uncommon is it to have a post-robbery wedding ceremony at a Walmart. It's an engagement ring. It's not a wedding ceremony. Take it easy. What a meet-cute. It is a meet-cute. This is a delightful story.

Also, once you let them search your phone, what are you even trying to hide anymore? Nothing. You're telling the truth at that point. Also, he must have been wearing the pants for the engagement as well, or they wouldn't have been able to identify him. Those are the good pants! Receipts showed the engagement rings were purchased at Walmart. Carswell has been charged with conspiracy for robbery with a dangerous weapon, false report to police, and misuse of a 911 system. Can we blame Jared for this?

Jared Fogle? No, no, no. Jared as like the, he went to Jared. Like the idea that the only way you can get married is if you spend a lot of money on an like the idea that the only way you can get married is if you spend a lot of money on it. And the only way you can get engaged at Walmart is if you stole that money. Yeah. So she was convicted, she was charged with-

Conspiracy for robbery. With a dangerous weapon. And- More was charged with- Loving too much. Yeah, exactly. Caring too much? Yeah, just loving.

More was charged with conspiracy for robbery with a dangerous weapon and robbery with a dangerous weapon because he did it both. And first degree LARPing. Yes, he was role playing. Carswell and Moore both received $50,000 secured bonds and had court date set for November 26th. Additional charges are pending against them both. Jeez. What other charges could there be? Yeah, it seems like that's everything.

The sad part is they had to pawn their rings to make bail. Probably. And it's evidence. And you know who loses in the end? Big Daddy. That's right. Big Daddy's the one who loses. He's out an employee and a best friend.

Now hold on an M-I-N-I-T. Hold on an M-I-N-I-T here. All right, that's story number one. There you go. Story number one. We're off and running. It is DumbT here. All right, that's story number one. There you go, story number one. We're off and running. It is Dumb People Town. Moshe Kasher is here with us.

We're going to talk about all the great stuff that he's got out in the world right after this break. Stick around. Make it sound. For more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys, welcome back to Dumb People Town. I'm Jason Sklar. He's Randy, and he's Daniel Van Kirk. We need to let you know that we are going to be up in Moshe Kasherville,

which is Northern California, the Bay Area. We're going to be in San Francisco on Friday night, doing a live Dumb People Town with Amy Mann, Ted Leo, and Chris Redd at the Marines Memorial Theater. It's a giant theater. Have you done that theater? I'm also doing a live podcast at the Marines Memorial Theater with Natasha Leggero

for our podcast, The Endless Honeymoon Podcast. The weekend after. Oh, nice. We're going to both. So there's your deal. There you go. We have your next two,

is it Friday or Saturday? Saturday. So we have your next two weekends planned out, podcast listener and fan. Sketch Fest comes to San Francisco one time a year and the best shows are there.

Come see us this Friday night at Marines Memorial Theater. Then you know how to get there. Yep, that's right. You come back the following Saturday night, and you come see the Honeymoon podcast. But can I tell them what they should do Friday night? Yes. Do that.

Well, this ties in directly to what I wanted to talk about, which is that Friday night at the Swedish American Music Hall. The 24th. The 24th. My album, my stand-up crowd work album release party for my new album called Crowd Surfing. Nice. I'm very excited about it. That's awesome.

And is it all a compilation of you just messing with the crowd and doing work off of that? Or are there some bits that you've written? No, there are no bits. It's a fully improvised album. And so I struggled with the idea. It's something that I love to do. You guys are good at it too. You are great at it. Thank you.

Thank you very much. You are so good. And I always feel like it gets short shrift as a part of the comedic art form because it's so temporary usually. It usually only really exists in the moment, at the night. So I came up with a semi-concept for the album, which is that rather... Basically, I read news stories that are kind of dumb from around the country. Wait, hold on a second.

That is our podcast. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. That is our podcast. I love this podcast. I don't like it. You're going to love my album. Stupid people city. No, the concept was, it's not a huge concept, but it's like rather than just commenting on the people that I see or what they do.

I basically asked them like five specific questions, like what's the wildest sexual experience you ever had? What's the craziest night on drugs you've ever had? Have you ever been arrested? There's a few specific questions. Sure. So that then they were telling they were essentially telling stories from their lives. And you were riffing off of their stories. And they had a mic.

And so so you can hear them very clearly. And it was a really special, really awesome few nights, and it's a really awesome album. I'm very proud of it. Dude, I can't wait to hear that. Congrats, buddy. I've seen a couple different takes

on a crowd work type album. All of them feel really different to me, and all of them feel like there's room for, like, yeah, it's like saying I only like one stand. Judah Friedlander's sort of press conference about America is a very different concept than yours, but at the same time, it is improvised work, but it lives within a framework. I think it's super cool. Yeah, thank you. I always feel like it's sad that crowd work doesn't get the respect that it deserves as a part of the comedic art form.

And I think, I think part of it is because it's temporary, but it's like, as we all know, seeing certain people perform live was so much more magical. Like Patrice was the, perhaps the greatest live show I ever saw in my life. And he got, I think Elf in the Room the Room was pretty damn close to seeing him live, but actually seeing him live was like this kind of alchemy, mind-bending experience. Judah's another example. He's got bizarre, specific

concept crowd work. He has a position as like, I am the best at all things. The greatest ever, right. And then here from that position, here we go. So whatever you say, that's the horse I'm going to be speaking down from riding a top of. There's Todd Berry's thing. Todd Berry's thing is amazing too.

And Paula Poundstone, there's some moments in her early specials that are like, how did you do this? I just feel like to me as a performer, it's the most fun I have on stage is when I'm, I always say the more fun I'm having,

the less jokes I'm telling. And so I think I captured most of the magic in this album. So when you go to do a special and you've done some amazing specials, hour-long specials, Netflix, Comedy Central and whatnot, you are thinking as you're standing backstage and Dan just recorded his first album, okay, I just want to make sure I get everything right. I just want to make sure the order is correctly. I don't want to forget anything. I want to deliver it in the best possible way.

I want to be in the moment as well. This thing, you're standing backstage, you're like, I don't want to forget anything. I want to deliver it in the best possible way. I want to be in the moment as well. This thing, you're standing backstage, you're like, I don't know how it's going to go. I have no clue how it's going to go. That's so exciting. That's the funnest part

of crowd work is that it's just, it's completely walking out, throwing a life preserver out to the audience, hoping that you're fast enough and they're interesting enough to create something that will make the ticket price worth it.

And did the audience know that that's what it was going to be? Funnest is not a word. It would be most fun. Most funnest. Ain't no half-steppin'. Welcome to Big Daddy's Canes. Thank you. So the question is, did they know what they were getting? It's all half-steppin'. When you have a cane, everything is a half-steppin'.

And also, a lot of people think that crowd work is half-stepping. But it ain't. It ain't no half-stepping. It's full-stepping. Did the crowd know what they were getting into as far as the nights? And did you record it all in one night or three nights? We recorded over basically a Friday and Saturday at the DC Improv. They didn't know what they were getting themselves into because they were holding mics.

That's awesome. They knew that they were involved in it. I just think it's a lot of fun. I cannot wait to hear this album. And the name of the album is Crowd Surfing. And I had this concept for it because that is sort of what you're doing. Surfing the wave of the

crowd and what they're giving you. And at any point you could fall and hit the floor. Exactly. The closest I ever get to stand-up comedy philosophy is that every crowd has a story to tell. And if I don't find it, it's not because it wasn't there. It's because I didn't do my job that night. Well, it's important that you – that's such a – Kirk Fox, who I know you know, and he's just fantastic. I hate him.

I hate him. I have a serious beef with Kirk. Jesus Christ. I thought that's why you were bringing it up. No, no, no. I brought him up because one time at the comedy store, we saw him, and the crowd was just weird. It was just weird. I saw him, and the crowd was just weird. It was just weird. I saw him, and he came on stage.

We're like, what the hell's going on there? And he's like, they just gave me what they gave me, and I took it and did what I did. It's like you never can know what it's going to be. You just got to take what they're giving you. And I was like, that is the most connected you can be. That's what you're just describing is being connected in that moment. Exactly. And there's nothing better for an audience,

but it does, like I said, it does feel temporary. And I feel like maybe I solved, I patched that issue. Crowdsurfing. Find out if he solved it. And then Friday night, there's gonna, Friday night, the 24th. So that comes out the 24th. And actually, since this comes out tomorrow, what if I just,

is it weird to read a URL where people can do it right now and then as Dan gets us ready for the to read a URL where people can pre-order? As Dan gets us ready for the next game. People can straight up pre-order. This is a bit of a weird URL, folks. I hope it's long and hard to remember. It's just weird. It's orcd.co slash crowdsurfing.

Orcd.co slash crowdsurfing. You can pre can order it, pre-order it, or you can go, if this is after the 24th, anywhere you would find an album. Okay, let's jump into another story, shall we? Are you ready? Here we go. Macon Man arrested for doing donuts for dumbest

reason possible. And this is just him fucking donuts, right? It's a very casual newspaper. He was doing donuts. Hey, look at me doing donuts over there. How do you think I get the cream in those Boston creams? This was sent in by Ben Potter

at Potter Potter 100. Thanks, Ben. Here we go. Where was I? Here we are. Man doing donuts. Pedestrians yelled and dashed out of the way last week in downtown Macon. I mean, come on. Wait a minute.

Is this another Macon story? Macon, Georgia? Yeah. Wait, was the last one in Macon? No. I don't think so. No, the last one was, I want to say, Florida. I'm kind of like over here like, what's going on in Macon?

But then I realized that nothing. It's regular. It wasn't in Macon. They be making some crazy shit happen there. Where was I? Okay, here we go. They yelled and dashed out of the way last week in downtown Mankin as a man in a pickup truck spun burnouts along 2nd Street in front of a popular nightclub.

Sure. Probably still wondering why they won't let him in. You knew he wasn't in a Prius. Okay, we knew that much. Or a man in Nissan Leaf scares the hell out of people doing donuts. Do you think you could do a donut in a Leaf? You could only do a bagel in a Leaf, I think. You could only do a bagel in a Leaf. He's doing bagels.

But just so you know, I don't know if you guys know this, but speaking of my home of Northern California, Oakland has a rich and storied history of spinning donuts in something we call the Sideshow in Oakland. What is it? It's literally a form of entertainment in East Oakland and West Oakland straight up in the hood where there will be 100 people getting together and they'll create kind of a human circle and people will spin donuts and do the sideshow. They'll put on their music.

All the kind of muscle cars will come and they'll spin around. People get hit sometimes. No. People get hit. Yeah, you're the wall. You're the edge. You're the edge. You're the wall. You're setting the edge. You're the edge, and that's actually where

the edge from U2 was discovered. True that. Jangly guitars. What street was that on? Oh, it doesn't have a name. Just check. What are we a comedy team now? See you in Rochelle.

Natasha and Randy start a team. Yeah, we already are. In my hometown in Rochelle, Illinois. We're the other period. We would, in the winter, you would go to the parking lot right after it was starting to snow, but not much. And we would just do donuts in the snow. You'd just spin out over and over and over. It is a fun thing.

I don't know if it's fun. You brake and gas at the same time? You gas a little and then you slam the brakes and over and over. It is a fun thing. I don't know if it's fun. You brake and gas at the same time? You gas a little and then you slam the brakes and turn the wheel. Or if you have a stick shift, you put it into you put the clutch in and you rev, rev, rev, rev, rev, rev, rev, rev, rev, and then you pop the clutch out and then

it likes to spin. The November 30th episode. I also love that this happened in front of a popular nightclub. That hit nightclub in Macon. The November 30th episode outside the also love that this happened in front of a popular nightclub. Sure. That hit nightclub in Macon. The November 30th episode outside the crazy. Shaken in Macon? Shaken in Macon. Shaken Macon.

Outside the crazy bull. That's the name of the nightclub. Crazy bull. Big Daddy's crazy bull. I hear this story and I'm like, Lizzie Grubman did not learn her lesson. She did not. Involved a man at the wheel of a dark blue 2009 Ford F-150. By the way, 2009 is now an 11-year-old car.

11-year-old car. Just like the world now. That belonged to his wife. So he's in front of a nightclub in his wife's truck doing donuts. That's sweet. There is something sweet about that. That's love. It was about 11.30 p.m. when an off-duty Bibb County sheriff's deputy who was apparently providing josiah there he goes security at the club heard quote loud screeching noises of tires being spun

an incident report said jesus uh the report added that the truck's rear tires smoked as the poke pickup sorry did a donut at the intersection of 2nd and Cherry Street. Josiah was quoted as saying, now normally I do like a donut. I do. But this is the wrong sort. This is the one donut I can't go for. I will say no to. That joke brought to you by 1989. This was during a time that pedestrian foot traffic was heavy downtown,

and you could see people moving quickly away and yelling. The deputy walked into the street, halted the truck, and asked the driver why he was making a scene. Dan, the answer to that question goes way back to when his dad left. He was six. I want to think that he said, why are you making a scene? He kind of winked at him. The driver, Omar Torres of Macon, Georgia, reportedly said, quote, so the guy walks out.

Why are you making a scene? Why are you making a scene? He's teeing you up to say anything. Why are you doing this? Here he goes. 11.30 at night in front of Crazy Bowl. Tons of people. Tons of people.

Quote, I was trying to impress some girls. There you go. Well, at least you were doing it in your wife's car. That's my point. I thought this was the dumbest reason ever. Why does anyone do donuts? It's always to impress girls. You never go to the Castro or West Hollywood and see people doing donuts.

That doesn't impress other dudes. I was trying to impress some boys. Impress other dudes. I was trying to impress some boys. Kroll has that joke where, I don't even know if he tells it anymore, but who's the person that goes by in a Harley or some mufflered outfield that's shattering windows and making dogs' ears bleed? Do they imagine that there's one person out there sitting in a cafe outside that goes, who's that guy?

And then runs at flashlight speed to jump on the back. Yes, exactly. Come on, Big Daddy. Let's ride the maker. What are you doing? Trying to impress girls. Also, imagine that conversation. It's a misguided attempt to woo, which I also consider the same thing as the Thunder Down Under.

They're thinking to themselves, we're working out every day. We're going to get the hottest woman at these shows and it's all dudes. No, totally. But here's the way you woo a woman is not with a car. It's not with a donut. It's so simple. You stand on a street corner. When she walks by, you say, hey, honey, where are you going? Smile a little bit.

Why you look like that? Why you look like that? Oh, shit. That ass is thick right now. I want to eat it like a sandwich. Those are your work clothes? Can I trust you with my fears? I opened a mini mart. like that. Oh, shit, that ass is thick right now. I want to eat it like a sandwich. Those are your work clothes? Can I trust you with my fears? I opened a mini-mart. It's called Big Daddy's. You know why they call me Big, right? I'm only taking M-I-N-I-T

with us. Let's do it. Come on. You trustworthy? I've been hurt before. I didn't have a strong male figure in my life. I know I'm standing out here by my own. What's your love language? I think self-deprecating

catcalls could be the new way. I got a lot of emotional baggage. You want an unconfident man? Hey, baby. Hey, baby. You affirming words because it doesn't feel like it right now. Hey, baby, smile or don't smile. I understand why I wouldn't make a woman smile. I'm lonely. That consent going to be enthusiastic?

Hey, baby, when you walk away, I'm going to think about how sad I am. Okay. But imagine that conversation. Babe, where are you going? Just for a drive. I just got to pick something up. It's cool if I take your truck? Yeah, that's fine.

Yeah, just please don't try to impress girls with donuts this time. Okay, I'm good. I was trying to impress girls walking in the intersection. That's I'm good. I was trying to impress girls walking in the intersection. That's also great. Kill them. That's right. Fucking idiot. Okay, so you ran me over. That don't impress

me much. Literally, he could be making an impression on them by literally having tire marks on their chest. You know this all started with their walking across the street. He's like, hey, you want to see something? Have you ever been run over? Anyone here? I've been hit by a car.

I've been run over. My grandma ran my foot over and she pulled up on my foot and it stopped on top of my foot. I started screaming. Keep going. Grandma, grandma, you're on my foot. Help. And she goes, I go, move the car. She goes, which way, forward or backward?

I was like, fuck it, it doesn't matter. Just do it. And you're already talking loud because both your parents are hearing impaired. She's not my parent. Oh, sorry. She's my grandparent. Oh, sorry. She actually heard less than your mom.

Speaking of car issues, that same grandma in the 1989 gigantic Loma Prieta earthquake. My grandma lived in a high-rise apartment building that had a parking lot underneath it. But it wasn't like a part of the building. It was like there were pylons. So it was open kind of. Yes, yes. She, when the building started shaking, ran downstairs to save her 1988 Toyota Camry. Smart.

Yep. Just in case the whole building were to collapse in that area. She wanted to be there for it. She wanted to go down there. Go down there. Anyway, she had some car issues. Go down there. Torres.

Okay, so the guy walks up. What are you doing? Trying to impress those girls in the intersection. Torres was also said to have asked the deputy, please don't tow my wife's truck. Aw. Come on. That's so strange. Hey, that doesn't impress girls. That is sad. By the way, saying please to tow my wife's truck. Oh. Come on. That's so sad. That doesn't impress girls.

That is sad. By the way, saying please to cops works. Is that true? Yes. I've gotten out of two tickets by saying please. You're an African-American male? I am. Yeah.

Okay. I feel like the please has a diminishing return. Saying please works if you're a white dude. Please saying please. Torres was jailed on two charges, reckless driving and driving without a license. It just keeps getting better for this guy. License to ill? I'm going to ask you guys. So listen, you don't have

a license and just whatever you do, do not make a scene. With no license, you take your wife's truck to do donuts in the middle of an intersection. Very funny idea. They're like, I'll probably get away with this. I'll ask you guys and then'll probably get away with this. Yes. I'll ask you guys and then we'll get out of this second story.

How old? Is Omar? Yes, is Omar who did his wife's truck donuts in the intersection to impress girls outside a crazy bowl at 11.30pm. You're setting this up to make it he must be older than we think. You don't know. He always asks.

No, I just give you all the facts. I'm going to say 28. 28 years old. That's what, I was going in the same direction. They've been married since they were 17. Right. 11 year marriage. 10 year itch.

I'm going to say 20. God, I was going to say 29. I'm not going to cut him off like that. I'm going to say 26. 26. I'm going to say 31. I'm going to to cut him off like that. I'm going to say 26. I'm going to say 31. I'm going to change mine to $1. It's not what he's doing. Okay, ready?

The man. His name is Omar. Omar Torres. Thanks, guys. Thanks for the assist. Omar Torres, who I'm sure pissed off his wife but impressed some women, definitely. Good chances in now, Townies, and we'll go on to the next story. Is 34 years old. Oh, I'll take that.

We were in the same ballpark. Slightly too old. Yes. He's old enough to know better. But not too old where he can't do donuts. All right, there you go. Story two, down in the books. Can you give us a little teaser of what we're going to see in the final segment?

There's a new fad in this world, and it's crazy. I can't wait to find out. Moshe Kasher is with us. It's Dumb People Town. Don't go nowhere. Or go somewhere. But don't go anywhere. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town.

Hey guys, Glybrothers here. Back with Dan and Van Kirk and Moshe Kasher. This is Dumb People Town. Moshe Kasher, a great follow on the Twitter and the Instagrams. Oh, well thank you. Follow him at Moshe Kasher. Your tweet fromumb People Town. Moshe Kasher, a great follow on the Twitter and the Instagrams. Follow him at Moshe Kasher. Your tweet from a couple weeks ago, once a week I get DM'd asking me how I got Natasha. Oh, constant. Constant.

How many times did she get DM'd asking how did you land Moshe Kasher? Very sweet of you to ask, and I think you know the answer. Never. It's a zero. Twice a week. And then I got to watch what I also love is personal friends of yours making jokes right to which you would respond to because that's your friend and you're like all right we'll fuck with each other but then people who do not know you at all right also trying to like say the same shit and i always love when

there's no faves on it and no response i'm like you're not this isn't the same rules yeah well me and you're like i'm not writing this to jonah me and jonah we're talking about jonah ray we're talking about it's like there used to be a time on twitter when two friends would go at each other's throats and you everyone acknowledged that it was a show that they were allowed to watch it was like two buddies going right but now it's just like i think you're both ugly it's like who are you you're not invited. It's like, who are you? You're not invited. No one asked you. I usually just mute people. If I rewrite anything back to any dumb person, I just write, go home.

I'm just like, go home. Because then they're like, what does that even mean? And I'm like, I'm done with you. I want a bot that autofills who cares to every Twitter at reply I get. Everybody that ever writes me anything, just who cares, who cares. Do you guys know about, this is a powerful tool that I found out about from Sarah Schaefer. Very funny. Yes. She told me about the, do you know about, this is a powerful tool that I found out about from Sarah Schaefer, very funny comedian. She told me about the, do you know about the force unfollow?

This is great stuff. So the, I probably shouldn't even say it on the air because then people will kind of get wise to it. It's okay, we're all friends. You know, you block people and then they go, victory, you know, flawless victory, and they're blocked by the Sklar brothers, you know. So what you do is the force unfollow, which is that you block. You can block people. Then immediately unblock them, which forces them to unfollow you. And then you mute them.

So they are no longer following you. And you no longer can see their tweets. And they don't know what happened. I would say it's a moi. Oh, it's so good. Because I just always mute. I don't even give them. Now I'm going to do this.

They don't even know. They get nothing. They don't know. You immediately now I'm going to do this. They don't even know. They get nothing. They don't know. You immediately unblock, which causes them to unfollow you. So they can't see your tweets anymore. Unless they refollow you. But usually people aren't combing through who they follow like that. And then you mute them.

And then you mute them. And then they're gone. They're out of your life. Oh, that's beautiful. But you know what does suck about Twitter? Is you mute someone and in your comments it says, this tweet not available because the person who did it, you muted. And then I usually tap to be like, who was that? Of course you want to see.

It's like, wait, I don't need that. I wanted to mute them not to be reminded. So I don't even know that anything's happening. Don't put it out there. Don't tell me about activity that I don't want to see. Something negative is being said. Remove the evidence is what I say. All right.

So that's a new fad. We may be starting it right here. New trend. Dan, do you have a new trend for us? This was sent in by Jeffrey Alberghini. I love this guy. At JJ Alberghini. J-J-A-L-B-E-R.

Either an airlines from the 1970s. G-H. Alberghini Air. Or it's the car that won Le Mans after Ken Miles died. Or it's the Italian restaurant that's around the corner that your mom's always like, let's just order from there. Let's just go to Alberghini's. Alberghini's.

They put too much olive oil in the pesto. I'm sorry. I put this third because, one, it kind of fits that slot for what we usually do here. You can afford a Lamborghini? Uh, no. I'm not quite there yet. It's an Alberghini. It's actually a three-cylinder.

Is that even possible? Is that possible? The logo is a donkey okay all right on its hind legs for sure yeah no it's riled up it's just an eggplant i didn't even read the story i just read the headline and i was like i'm doing this with moshe it'll work okay perineum sunning is the latest insanity wellness Influencers swear by What is perineum? Perineum is your taint, your grundle Your special spot

I don't like that I go perineum Or I just keep saying little lower Little higher A little lower Okay I can show you this picture People are just laying out.

And just sunning their teeth. What is the point? Who is getting that intimate of a look? That sensitive area of skin absorbs a ton of vitamin D. Oh, interesting. Because it's not exposed. There's actually an area right underneath it that also absorbs D. That's true.

That's an anal section. A lot of vitamin D. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And one that gives. Yeah, that's right lot of vitamin D. And one that gives. Yeah, that's right. A little lot. And one that receives. They're soaking up some rays where the sun don't shine.

The hottest trend gripping wellness diehards is tanning their cans or perineum sunning, as influencers are calling it. Now, what if you go in a tanning bed and try this? So it's artificially that they can close. They should make a special, like, you know, they should design one

where there's an area for your legs to pop into. Yeah. Little, like, bed stirrups. Yeah, that's nice. What happened, by the way,

in the last five to ten years, I feel like every person who was, like, an alcoholic, unemployed loser now is, like, a spiritual wellness guru on instagram i don't understand the switch that's occurred they got clean man they got addicted to something telling people what to do right because i've wondered this in the last 15 years have you

realized how much as a society we've gotten rid of tanning salons and wet t-shirt contests. Is that true? Remember the early 2000s? It was like everything on TV. Where are you from? Lots of wet t-shirt contests. In Oakland, there wasn't a lot of wet t-shirt contests and tanning salons, if you know what I'm saying. I'm talking about, remember all of the Girls Gone Wild and all that shit, and bars would have these all the time, and now no one's doing that anymore.

And I'm here for that. That's fine. I'm glad for it. Oh, you want it to be gone? I'm cool with it being gone. Sure, I get that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And tanning salons.

Teach his own is what Emotion's saying. There's always a Hollywood tan, like everywhere. You know what I mean? Everyone not here. I don't think so anymore. I think that the wanton celebration of sexuality has sort of gone out the window. It's become a more politically tense. You think?

Yeah, I think so. And I actually think people are putting that now instead of at bars during contests on Instagram. Right. They're putting all of that in a- The Thirsty Thought is online. Exactly. That's a good article. This is a shot that I can curate.

The Thirsty Thought. Well, that's actually a pub that I'm opening. Oh, the Thirsty Thought. Yeah. That's great. Boston University in the quad. We I'm opening. Thirsty Thoughts. That's great, too. Boston University in the quad. We just opened up a Thirsty Thoughts. And it's all just a place where you can Instagram your body.

And then also check out books. And also, there's a bar where you can sit on a stool and you can pull out a telescoping tanning light and just put it in your t-shirt. It's a laser pointer. It's a laser pointer that's also a tanning pointer. Right on your chin. It's a laser pointer. It's a laser pointer that's also a tanning pointer. In a mere 30 seconds of sunlight on your butthole,

you will receive more energy from this electric node than you would in an entire day being outside with your clothes on, says influencer and obvious scientist, raw of earth on Instagram. Oh, raw of earth. Raw of earth. That's the big fat Jewish of wellness. Because they stole it. In a viral video

that has racked up more than 35,000 views, he gestures... Is that a viral video nowadays? 35,000? I guess so, maybe. He gestures towards the sun... No, he meant that there's literally a virus on his asshole that he's trying to cure with sunlight. He's trying to burn it off. Burn it off. He gestures towards the sun as three naked men lie down, point their backsides to the sky, and make sounds of pleasure.

I feel like that's an add-on. You don't need to do that. Did you need? That's gilding the lily, as it were. The brown lily. That's browning the perineum, if you will. That's browning the perineum, if you will. Ra of Earth has also posted a step-by-step sun worship exercise pulled from the Tao of Sexology,

the Book of Infinite Wisdom by Dr. Stephen T. Chang, and says the practice can help keep the area healthy and free of germs. I just don't think that's true. I don't either. As Jon Hamm said very famously on SNL, you got to wash. They got to wash their ass. You got to wash their ass. Chang and Raw of Earth aren't the only ones either. Other influencers appear to be just as inspired to catch some ultra vile rays.

30 seconds of direct sunlight injection to the anal orifice is the equivalent of being outside in the sun all day. That's bad. That is bad. Being out in the sun all day. That's bad. That is bad. Being out in the sun all day is bad. By the way, just the fact that you now don't have to go outside, that also is bad, too. So when Jay and I one time went to a friend of ours worked for Six Flags, Six Flags Entertainment, and he's like, there's an employee. Have we talked about this on the show?

I think we may have. I don't know. There's an employee night at Six Flags Entertainment. He's like, there's an employee. Have we talked about this on the show? I think we may have. I don't know. There's an employee night at Six Flags out here, Magic Mountain, nearby us. You guys can go out. Only going to be 2,000 people in the whole park. You can ride whatever rides you want. I do AAA night for the same reason. Okay, so we would get on a roller coaster.

You come right back, and you get on that same roller coaster. It is the best, but it scrambles your brain. That's true, yeah. You realize the line is important. The line is important. The line is to settle your stomach. Settle you out. Get you back to zero.

I was like, this is great that there's no line, but my brain feels rubbery in a way that it shouldn't, and the line actually equalizes you. Going outside for different parts during the day, you shouldn't just get it all in 30 seconds. Also, this is not a thing that is healthy. It's not real. It's funny. It's like by drinking this concentrated bit of toxic sludge, you can get the amount of toxic poisoning that you get from a full week's worth of exposure. In one little 30 seconds?

30 seconds. You got it. Give me some of that sludge. Well, the person who just said that 30 seconds also says 30 seconds is good, that was influencer Troy Casey. Of Earth or somewhereia or somewhere else of earth okay one california this is what the fire festival claims that butt chugging vitamin d not only helps her sleep but helps to regulate her hormones for the past few weeks i have included sunning my bum and yoni i don't know what that is that's a vagina okay a vagina yeah uh into daily rising routine, a woman who goes by metaphysical Megan.

I thought yonis were adult men who are into My Little Ponies. Is that right? No, yonis are adult men. Adult Jewish men. They're often yonis. No, yoni and lingam. Those are the Sanskrit words for vagina and penis. Really?

Lingam is penis. Yoni is vagina. Thank you. Yoni and lingam could be like the Sanskrit version of Rizzoli and Isles. You two and this joke. Do not give them that much. I love that joke so much. He likes it.

Any this and this becomes our version of Rizzoli. But anything. Yoni and Lingam are not only like Hindu words for genitalia, they've also become like their hot buzzwords in the like hippie Burning Man world. They love to say my young. Randy, did you go to Burning Man? I went to, I don't know if you know this, but Moshe and I, this is what I love. Almost hung out at Burning Man twice.

We almost hung out at Burning Man twice, but the first year I went, as I was driving up in the like nine hour drive by myself, Moshe and I for an hour and a half just talked to each other as we both drove up there. And then didn't hang out there. It sucked, but it was really sweet. Are you going this year? I probably won't. Rory and I are going. Really? Yeah. Are you really? We'll hang out. I always hang out with comedian friends when they're at Burning Man.

I make time for it. I think Rory and I are going, and Dave Holmes is going, too. I might be going with Dave. I love this. You're going to love it. You know, I've been 20 times. Really? And you've never gotten messed up once. I've never going with Dave. I love this. You're going to love it. You know I've been 20 times? Really? And you've never gotten messed up once. I've never been fucked up a burning. And it hasn't changed since all 20 times.

How many people will be sunning their tan on the playa right now? 100% that will. Wait, what's your playa name, Moshe? It's Moshe. There's not a lot of us running around. What is it? Hot Clip. Hot Clip? Oh, cute. We're going to change it to Yoni Sunning. That's right.

That metaphysical Megan said all that in captions of an image of herself fully naked on a rock. Megan says she first learned about perineum sunning through her study of Taoism and recently given up- Tao. I just want to Tao. It's Taoism. I know. I know.

Oh, you already knew. Okay. All right. It's Dan chaining for us. Dan banning us into correcting him. I already know. See, you already knew. It's Dan trying to baiting us into correcting him. That's why we didn't say anything. I didn't do it the first time. I was willing to let it slide.

He didn't do it because he's waiting for someone to correct him so he can tell you he knows. She recently gave up her morning cup of coffee in favor of sunning her anus. No more coffee. It's a binary choice. One or the other. The phenomenon. So black and white. Can't do both. It's a binary choice. It's one or the other. You've got to choose. The phenomenon. It's so black and white.

You can't do both. It's actually black and brown. White and brown. White, pink, and brown. I think that's how it works. Or bleached. Yeah, that's right. Caught the wider internet's attention after one Twitter user posted Megan's photo and captioned to the tune of 80.

This is her getting that morning butt sun in. She looks happy. She does. Honestly, she looks happy. She does. Even A-listers are sunning their bums. Big Little Lies actor Shailene Woodley, who is known for holistic lifestyle that doesn't even include a TV,

has admitted she's also practiced a version of perineum sunning. How many times has Shailene Woodley told people, hey, have you seen Mandalorian? I don't have a TV. Right. I don't have a TV. You can watch it on your phone. Hey, guess what? People don't have TVs anymore, Shailene Woodley told people, hey, have you seen Mandalorian? I don't have a TV. Right, I don't have a TV. You can watch it on your phone. Hey, guess what? People don't have TVs anymore, Shailene.

People don't watch anything on their TVs. There is no TV anymore. There's YouTube TV. You know, Laura Dern does it too, but that's only because she does everything. She's just literally getting hired to do every single thing. I love Laura Dern so much. Who doesn't love Laura Dern?

She's the same character, and she crushes it, but her character in Marriage Story felt the exact same as Renata in Big Little Lies. And as General Tadakbar in Star Wars. Loved it. Hey, listen, she's great. I love it, too. Why is everyone jumping on her on Sunday? Hot clip.

Hot clip. She's not the hack Meryl Streep is. She's a good actor. Thank you. Thanks for having the guts to say that. Yeah, nobody likes Meryl. Believe it or not, it's all woke culture that's making us pretend she's a good actor. I hate to do this, guys, but medical professionals are far from convinced that the practice has any merit.

Wait a sec. There's no evidence that sunbathing in this way has any effect on physical well-being. Dr. Diana Gall and Downer. The Gall. The Gall of this woman. You're going to disagree with raw from earth, doctor? You're about to, because listen to this. Dr. Diana Gall of UK-based online doctor service, Doctor For You.

Immediately, I was excited until that got done. Now she's below sun-raw. You know less than the raw. It's the number four, the letter U. Doctor For You. Doctor For You. Yes, practicing mindfulness and meditation and getting your dose of vitamin D is beneficial for mental and physical health, but you don't need to damage your skin in the process from sun exposure.

Gal suggests that a different and safer way is there's no other next. Just be outside. You know she has a corner of the thing where she blogs on it called Gal Ready for This. I enjoyed it. I do, too. While influencers are currently letting the sun shine in their back door, the Federal Trade Commission is having little luck convincing them to shed more light on product endorsements.

That's like some sort of back-end. It's a back door. I'm the person who wrote this, got tricked into buying a T-shirt, and they are mad about it. That's three stories, friends. There you go. That's how we do it. All right.

Here's what you're... This is what we have homework for you guys, but it's the most glorious. Come see us on this Friday night at Marines Memorial Theater. You'll be live on PeopleTown with Chris Redd, Amy Mann, and Ted Leo doing music. So we've got a... Then you'll know where you need to park, a then you'll know where you need to park

and then you'll know where you need to go don't leave there's literally so many hotels right around that theater you could just stay there for a week

if you're in San Francisco the following Saturday night you're gonna go see the Honeymoon Podcast on Friday night you go to the Swedish American Music Hall and come to my live

album release but if you don't live in San Francisco you could just buy the album and pretend you were there in the album release are you going to do a little crowd work and whatnot and do that yes i'm doing

an all crowd work show okay for the album fantastic and i'll be at the dc improv the weekend after that so we really have you hooked up where can they find all of your dates motioncasher.com go check it out this dude's the best thank you so much for uh joining us and oh shit we gotta get back to work Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb