Dumb People Town - Nate Bargatze - Someone Bet Me

Episode Date: March 16, 2021

This week Nate Bargatze comes to town to hang with Daniel, Jason and Randy. The first story is about a fun way to drive a moped. The second story is about mixing beer, an air mattress, and the Indian Ocean. The final story is about a sensual journey via candle.

Skypains Avenue Couldn't make this up So listen to our podcast With co-host Armin Dan Don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits the funny hits We are gonna take you down Stick around Make a sound on your downies Dumb People Town

Hey townies welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town Population Bargetzi Nate Bargetzi. What's up, buddy? Thank you. Thank you. Thanks for having me. Big fan. Always love doing this podcast. First time, long time, or long time?

No, no. He's done it before. Long time, long time. Long time, long time. I was his first time listener, long time caller. Hey, whoa. That's weird. Hang on a second. I'll take my answer off the air. That's such a power move. You didn't ask anything's somebody who's afraid of being abandoned so they're leaving you first yeah they tell them out the gate so that i got two questions and i'm gonna hang up and look

wow you're like i guess you're some sports some some talk sports, talk radio. They have let it get out of control with these callers. They let them go on and on and on. So you, that's so funny. You say that because Randy and I, there are times when we guest host Jim Rome's radio show, which is a show that's in 200 markets. It's in Canada. It's enormous.

And then there's a moment where the, the people who are producing are like, maybe we should take some calls and we'll take a call. And there'll be like two minutes of this Yahoo from. And I'm like, we're making 200 markets listen to this jerk off. Yeah, that's the way it goes. Are you kidding me? Get them off.

We don't need to take any calls. Nobody's going to say anything that's great. They let them go. They let them go. You know, I feel like that relationship with those listeners, cause it's, it's, you know, Dan Patrick would always have, he's got some callers where they've been calling forever. I think it's hard to be like the yo man, wrap it up. Yeah. Right. Jim Rome's the funniest though, dude. Like he's,

he'll run you on the call. He'll run you on the call. And then they'll like chop up what you said. And like, you know, some kid is like, I don't like that that call it's not a very good call it's so good it's so fun well i so let me ask you this after we this has been a year since we've sort of been in deep pandemic times i mean it was a year ago that we left madison wisconsin about right now literally today we were a year ago today we were doing shows at comedy on state and we just you know we like. We did the Thursday show, and we had two sold-out Friday shows, and we're like, we can't do this. We got to leave.

And so we did. Do you think the world has gotten even dumber? I mean, you are a self-proclaimed not smart person. You have put it out there in the world that you are not a smart person. I disagree with that, but fine. Have you gotten dumber, or has the world gotten dumber around you you or how, where are we? Where are you sitting in this mess? Uh, yeah. So I was in my, it is March 12th, Red Bank, New Jersey, where I, uh, was my, so I think I did a show tonight would have been the 11th and it was, and it was like, I don't know if it's going to

happen. And I remember when we got to that place in red bank they were like well they go we just did a show and it's fine and they just did one are they with tony bennett yeah and i was like if anybody needs to cancel a show it's tony bennett it's tony bennett and that fan base yes definitely yes doesn't need to be going out i was like yeah you could you could make an argument for my show, at least younger, younger. And even at that point, you're like him and his audience needs to go home. That's right. Get them out. Like they can't, they can't. I mean, the name of the Tony Bennett tour was the preexisting conditions tour. Cough it out with Tony Bennett. Were you on the road with Graham? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Awesome. Graham. Graham. We got to get him on a mini. I love that guy.

He's so funny. He's so funny and weird in the most beautiful ways. I just did. I just talked to him. I just did his podcast. So cool. Literally just talked to him. So that's funny that y'all.

Yeah. He's great. So yeah, I do think that the world's gotten, yeah, it's gotten dumber. I mean, it's gotten dumber both ways. Right. You know, I mean, just as much as the people that are don't believe in COVID and the people that are obsessed with COVID, they're both insane. They're both ruining everybody's lives for us that are just want to be like,

yo, yeah, I'm sure there's some ground in the middle. I would imagine. Let's all just be living in that area. Yeah. Let's get the vaccine and move on. Right. Just everybody, everybody do it. Everybody move on. Right. Just everybody, everybody do it. Everybody move on. Cause guess what we all want to do. We want to go back out and in front of people, like make them laugh in front of real people,

full rooms and not hear cars. We've never seen full rooms cause we're not big drops, but yes, we can imagine that people like full rooms or Nate Vargas, who has a new special that we'll talk about in a little bit, but we have you here and we get to sort of dig into these really dumb stories that get sent to Dan. The way to do it is just hit at Dan Van Kirk on Twitter and hit hashtag Dumb People Town, and he can know when you sort of, he knows the timeline of when it comes to him.

Tweet it at me. So let's get into one. You ready? This was sent in by Kristen Kim at Miki Koe. Nice. May Lucky Miki Koe is the right right way to say dumb people town to you. On a Hawaiian Christmas. All right.

Canton, Georgia. Uh-huh. Not the Hall of Fame, right? That's Ohio. No, it's Canton, Ohio. You know, when I was in high school, my first car, 72 Chevelle, and I had Canton on it because I thought I was so cool. It stood for kicking ass and taking names.

Oh, Jesus. That's what it means? Well, the way I did it. What is it? No, you're right. K-A-N-T-O-N. No, T-A-N. No, K-A-N-T-N.

Yeah. And my dean of students was like, Daniel. I go, yeah, yeah. And he goes, it's like Canton, stand for. And I'm like, what a hall of fame. I love football so much. It's always so much. All right, dan you'll be all right all right here. We go canton, georgia,

evan, daves, you got to pick one buddy, evan, it's either an or daves daves is such a weird days, days, daves, it's a that's got to be confusing on the basket, got a set daves right, because you some of you will you won't first name or last name. Evan daves of blairsville remained at the Cherokee County Jail Friday. I assume because nobody would pick him up after after his Thursday arrest for a series of incidents and violations that began when police spotted Dave steering a tagless moped with his feet. Do you just on that alone? I can tell you this guy loves dares.

Yeah, so he loves a good dare. I can't use my hands. Even before he agrees to do the dare, he wants to talk to you about how good that dare is like. Oh, you got me. That's a good day. He somehow said the dare. He's like he's the one that kind That's a good day. Somehow said the dare and he's like he's the one that kind of

put it out there. Y'all dare him. You're like not I don't think we did. I think he brought it up and now he's taking that challenge on. He kind of got to the party and he kept and I went to the fridge to get a beer. I was like grab a beer and then since then he kept saying you think someone could eat all that butter like he kept saying

you think someone could eat all that you all seriously don't think I can do it says it three times and then he asks saying you think someone could eat all that butter like he kept saying you think someone could eat all that you all seriously don't think i can do it says it three times and then he asks who said it yeah yeah i think somebody somebody said somebody was like but you can't eat that butter but i think i can't and you're so and he's so good at it and you're like yeah i want to see that's right We all want to see. We're all in on it. And then he goes this far before he starts. OK, who put money where?

Who put money? Who bet I can't do? Who bet me? Somebody bet me I can't do this. Someone bet me I can't do this. All right, so you're a parent. You have a daughter. And if there was somebody in our world who we weren't friends with,

but like an acquaintance who offered to like drive around a moped with their feet i would 100 just for the fact that as a parent i have no responsibility for this person i'd be like dude you gotta do it you gotta try it i'd be the most encouraging person for that person to try it you think i could drive this their feet are on the steering i think their feet have got to be on the steering bars i assume the handlebars yeah yeah but then how are they getting oh i guess they're pushing a foot over to rev it up to rev it yeah they're like curling this gets more impressive the more you describe it's kind of impressive it's borderline one of the more most more athletic human beings a lot like if this guy this is a person that would be like could

be playing a professional sport right with like With that core strength. Like the talent that that takes. Yeah. Right. Because also, like sometimes. A moped's easy to dump. Yeah. It's easy to dump a moped. You get a big Harley,

you've got a little bit more wiggle room when you're on top of there. But to be able to, that core strength. Have you ever driven a moped anywhere? A long time ago. Native you? I did a long time ago. I have a story with someone doing

it with bare feet. Really? In the Bahamas, we went to the Bahamas when I was 18 and graduated high school. My buddy, I went with, he was an only child, and so they let him bring me. And so we go, we're driving a motorbike with his uncle, who's drunk

during the day. Of course. His drama. What's the point of being an uncle if you're going to be sober? his uncle who's drunk during the day. Of course. His drunk uncle. What's the point of being an uncle if you're going to be sober? Yeah, I mean, senior frogs, I mean, they were dog heads. I come back with a braided hair. Of course you did. The first time I drank

was that trip. Right, exactly. And so he has his feet. They tell you to wear shoes if you're driving the thing, and he doesn't have shoes on. And I think there was a beach, and I think someone said, hey, that girl down there doesn't have a top on. And then he, and so, and then he, like, kind of pulls over to do it and then just, I mean, rips his toes off.

Oh, my God. And had to go get them, like, stitched up and, stitched up and wrapped up. I mean, the trip was just different. The trip? Yeah, he still partied. It was just like when we're sitting, he's sitting down a lot now. The trip was different. That's all you

need to say. Everything about it was different. We were having a great time until he decided to try and ride a moped with his bare feet. This is stupid. All right, so next okay, so he's driving this moped with his feet. According to the Tribune Ledger News Com, that's we're getting this from Dave's has also been charged with possession of methamphetamine. I mean we're to it and we're hitting the base. He's hitting them all possession of drug related objects. I don't know what that was atlas like

a black light or other things you would buy at Spencer's gifts like a mushroom candle, fleeing and attempting to elude operating a motorcycle without a helmet and operating certain roads prohibited and driving without a tag. I mean there's just everything. All of them. He hit all of them. This guy's like I'm doing it all. I'm going to do it all right now and you got to respect his game to jump all the way in. But if you told me this was a this is a scene from the upcoming fast and the furious, I'd be like yeah, that checks out. This is what I was trying to think

of Jay. When you said I would totally watch someone do this. If I have no response, I would encourage them to do it. And also when you guys are talking about wanting to get back out to shows, don't get me wrong. I want all that too. But what I really miss are like the hangs at festivals and Nate. Yeah, forget when we went to that indoor miniature golf place in Toronto.

But do you remember being at Hooters and watching that guy with the book bag bother people at that outdoor seating? Do you remember this? Yeah, we watched him for across the street and I would like if we had an investment, I would have gone over there and like hey, but we watched this guy for an hour, just inject himself into other people's lunches. I mean this is what I miss. That's it. Yeah, Austin, which of our friend like we go to Hooters a lot like that

Toronto specifically. I know they were like, is that story like, oh, so he was at the Hooters? No, no, we were at Hooters. We were at the Hooters. He was at a much more respectable place. He was pulling cans of beer out of a backpack

and trying to talk to people. We were mesmerized by this guy. I mean, that is amazing. So that's who this guy is. Yes, according to reports, Cherokee County Sheriff Frank Reynolds, perfect name for a cop. Frank Reynolds is like always a week, like when he started

on the force, he was a week away from retiring. Yes. When he was 22. He entered as a detective. He left the academy with just a week to go. He was suspended. He got a pension. He got to get the pension. That was on his first day on the job. He turned to his partner and said like you got to get the pension.

That was on his first day on the job. He turned his partner said don't fuck up my pension. I reno, I guarantee has X marks on his calendar, and I'm not saying what they are aren't leading to right. He's initially he initially spotted Dave's on his moped driving north on Interstate five seventy five This dude is doing all this on an interstate. Yes, moped on an interstate is insane. Forget the feet. I've driven moped.

Jay and I, when we were, like, we traveled around when we went abroad and we were in Greece and we took mopeds all around the island of Rhodes and it was so much fun. I mean, it was like, you know, you just feel so free and you're just driving around, but definitely like fun to drive on like Greek streets that aren't like we would never take it out on the interstate.

Even like a two or like a four lane street is. You guys ever been to Put-In-Bay in Ohio? Mopeds are a big deal there too. Okay, so the officer notices him on Interstate interstate 575 the officer noticed that dave's vehicle did not have its tags and that dave was steering with his feet which one do you think offended that cop more i mean the tags or the feet it's the feet it's the feet i i can't even imagine when the office the cops like next who hurt you pull over who hurt you yeah this guy lives like by like a i think it's like a rule that if you ask me like are you doing anything next to him. Who hurt you? Pull over. Who hurt you? This guy lives by a

rule that if you ask me, are you doing anything illegal? He's like, not until they catch me. Because everything he's doing is illegal. None of it's illegal. Until I get caught. Now, guess what? A bunch of it.

All of it was illegal. When the officer tried to pull over Dave. He often says to people, well, what is illegal? He asked that question because I don't know. Guess what? They will tell you. That's how he lives. There's actually a list.

There's a list. Yeah. When you find out when you hit it, I feel like when Dave's walks into a restaurant, he says three for smoking just to see what they'll do. Just to see what they'll do. Right this way, sir. I don't want to be in when the officer tried to pull over Dave's walks into a restaurant, he says three for smoking just to see what they'll just to see what they'll write this way, sir. I don't want to be when the officer tried to pull over Dave's. The driver refused. That's Dave's.

No, Dave's for you. That's a promo. If you say no, we refuse with his hand. He had free hands. He waved him off. Now go around, buddy, with both hands, with both hands, with both hands. Oh, that's a pro move. now go around buddy with both with both and with both and oh that's a pro move telling the cop she's trying to pull you over go around

yeah go around. The officer noticed days didn't have tags try to pull over here fuse, then just north of rabbit hill road perfect. That's what you put in the script. Evan daves pulled off the interstate and drove into the woods, eventually running away on foot. I mean, I mean, he should have been. He should have been running on his hands. I know a running handstand.

Reynolds captured Dave near Ronald Daves. Sorry, near Ronald Road. Another great name. Later, the deputies located a bag of suspected methamphetamine under the seat of the moped. According to the Tribune Ledger News, you take that into the woods with you and just disperse it throughout? Yes. No, he didn't have time. I mean,

literally, he just put the thing down, got onto his feet. I feel like you could go into the woods with a moped. I bet he did. I bet he did as far as he could go. How old do you guys think Evan Daves is? Evan Davesaves here's what you know

about him meth under the moped seat driving with his feet uh thought he could get away running through the way how old was your friend's uncle when he got when he did that he had to be 40s okay 40s okay you know all right uh that's wonderful i would think so for him for my age with him this feels what i again the talent to drive with those feet is this is a promising i i feel like he had a he could have really done a lot of things and he's very talented and and so this so it doesn't feel old to me it feels like a guy that this is the beginning of his you know like his friends are actually like really starting to do good now that's right right like they're so he's at an age where it's it's not like he's 60 and it's like who cares anymore he's at the age of like you know it's like they're just in way different they're not seeing each other they're not running around the same circle that's right you know uh maybe you catch him at a gas station. You're saying he's entering into that phase of life called same shit,

different day. Right. Yeah. Yeah. So in my head, I'm thinking 20, 28. 28. Good, Jay. What do you think?

That's such a good call. It's a great call. But I think he's a little more road. Like he's got more road test miles on the road. So I'm going to say 38. 38. I was 38 special. He's a 38 year old dude. The shoes on the other. So I'm going to say 38. 38. He's a 38-year-old dude.

The shoe's on the other foot. This guy, I think he's 33. Five years between both of you guys. We'll get out of story one with this because Evan Daves is 23 years old.

Oh, you're right. He's really just out of whatever junior college. His friends are graduating college. He's graduating high school. In Georgia, they're already married. They get married out of college, very young. And so they are starting their lives.

And he's... He's trying to end his. He's just out of whatever junior college he spent five years at, and he's here. Yeah. He's above his time. He's ahead of his time.

He's ahead of his time and above his time. And above his time. All right, there he goes. And above it. And above it. Story number one. When we come back, we're going to hear about Nate's new special, which I'm so excited about.

This is Dumb People Town. Don't go anywhere. Stick around. Make a sound.. This is Dumb People Town. Don't go anywhere. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to DPT. We want to mention, before we get to all the great stuff Nate's got going,

his podcast, new special, and all that stuff, we got to mention to you guys we are doing another live Dumb People Town on April 10th. It is going to be a blast. You got to be there or. We are doing another live Dumb People Town on April 10th. It is going to be a blast. You got to be there or you'll miss it. It is Ryan Sickler. It's going to be the honey, the honeydew in Dumb People Town,

the honeydum and the musical guests, the cactus blossoms from, these guys are amazing from Minneapolis. They sound like Hank Williams senior. They are like, all that great Hank Williams, none of the races, none of the races,

Hank Williams, Hank Williams, the second. So Hank None of the racism with Hank Williams. Hank Williams II. So Hank Williams Sr., these guys are brilliant. It's going to be a super fun night, April 10th, Nowhere Comedy Club, wherever you are in the world. Eventbrite.com, pick up your tickets. And Daniel Van Kirk's got a lot of good stuff going on.

Everything's happening. Live pen pals, bingo, pub trivia night. It's all just super fun shit. Go to DanielVanKirk.com. But you guys have a show on the 20th? On the 20th. This drops before the 20th. We're doing stand-up at Nowhere Comedy Club and then doing a live cheap seats.

We've already picked out the video that we're going to be doing. It is Charlie Sheen and Martin Sheen playing Michael Jordan in basketball where Dick Van Patten commentates. Wait, so it's two-on-one? It's two-on-one, Dan. That's not the first time Charlie's been in a two-on-one situation. Jordan probably, either.

So, yeah, Jordan. Jordan's like, well, we'll get into it. Jordan never saw odds he didn't like. Dude, it's really weird. It's such a bizarre showing. And it's going to be so much fun. So, again, Eventbrite.com, look up live cheap seats. Yeah, so worth it. It's like a two-for-one show you're getting. Two-for-one, two-for, two-for. All again, eventbrite.com, look up a live cheap seats. Yeah. So we're two for one show.

Two for one, two for two for all right. So let's talk about Bargettes. He's got a new, uh, standup special Netflix. People were psyched for this one coming out. Cause the last one was so fantastic.

Let them know it's out. It's out right now. Correct. Or it'll be out. It'll be out. March 18th. March 18th. So it will be out this week and,

uh, tell them like, where'd you record it and how do you feel about it? And when did you record it? I've seen clips and it's fantastic. Yeah. It was universal studios outside in California. Nice. They had to do a care,

ready to get COVID. It was in October. So everybody get COVID tested, all this stuff, you know, mask. It's I mean, I'm like, I'm nervous about it I mean it's definitely like leading up to this was not the normal way you prepare for a special sure we did add so and it was uh you know it was like tough like you

couldn't really hear the crowd laugh it was outside like there's a lot of stuff like that and so but it was you know so I'm I'm nervous in that aspect of it, but, uh, uh, I'm excited for it to come out. I was ready to, I wanted to tape a special round about this time. So we were able to do it. So let me ask you this, cause we've all done specials and stuff. How much, how much do you think it is the, because your reaction to the crowd to me, I always love, I always love watching comics react to how the crowd is reacting to their material.

But really, I'm just watching the comedian for his or her material. So, I mean, how much of it is it? Because you're doing it for two audiences. You're doing it for the audiences that's there. And then it's supposed to give you the energy for you. But you're really doing it for the Netflix audience that's watching you at home. Yeah, the people that are laughing at home can't hear the audience laughing in the room. So they don't care.

They just want to know what are the jokes. Are the jokes making me laugh? Otherwise, I don't care. Yeah, yeah. I mean, they had to do – you know, what's funny is like the first show we did there, I didn't really think about the mask thing, so you can't see their face. And so like if someone was shaking, I could tell that they were laughing. But other than that, I couldn't really tell.

And so the first show, I was having my set timed out to about 60, 64 minutes. And I did 43 minutes in the first show. Like it was, I mean, you know, like taping specials, you take two shows. And they always tell you, every time they're always like, we got it. Have fun on the second show. And this is the first time they're like, we got it have fun on the second show right and this is the first time they're like we definitely do not have more pressure yeah you have to get it on this last show right and so we were able to do it you know like able to then realize we put some uh and the crowd was miked and so i they put that into my monitors a little louder yeah and then i just

kind of like make sure i was trying to pace out a little bit took your time yeah yeah because make sure to make sure i got it yeah and i think that's first of all i think everyone will everyone floats a pass i don't know if you watched i'm sure you watched the chapelle uh you know the chapelle special that he did outside i was like you know people aren't laughing the way they normally do it as chapelle's show but who cares i was like i'm literally just watching him't laughing the way they normally do it as Chappelle's show, but who cares? I was like, I'm literally just watching him do his material. And that's that. So I think people understand that.

But that is good that they then allowed you to hear it a little bit more so that you could take your time on stage. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It made it a lot better. I mean, and then knowing, you know, I mean, I got off and you just, you know, you just know. You know. You know, when you're like, dude, I think I was like, is it 44? And then you're like 43.

And I was like, you just, you know, you do a show and you're like a corporate gig where they want you to do like a full hour. Yeah. Dan, we always talk about the time that Dan met us in Vegas when we were doing a corporate show for RV dealers, independent Winnebago dealers. And like, there was just so much distance between the stage and the first table. I've never seen 60 minutes go 34 minutes. We did 43 minutes

43. I don't know how we got 43, but Dan just walked in and he's like came in from the back. I'm just back at the car station. It's like Dan's like I could see you guys. I walked in and I could see you guys sweating. I was like, yeah. And we said, you could literally drive a Winnebago

between us and the audience. And they're like, oh, that's what we did all week. We just drove them through here. And we showed them. And you never thought to, when the comedians came on, just bring the tables closer to us? No. It was like a football field between us

and the first people in the show. Everyone's wild. You'd hear somebody in the back. Because at the back of those rooms, especially corporate gigs, they don't even feel like they're at a show. So everyone's wild. In between something they'd say, you'd hear someone say to somebody else, you going?

I'll meet you up there. I'm going to finish. I'll be up. We heard it. It's full-on conversations. That's the hardest part. You're on stage. I've watched people. You're doing a corporate gig and i'll see someone a guy get out of his chair and stand up and like hug another guy and you're like they are having a real life

interaction i mean there's a show going on they're doing not even just a hug nate the hug but then like the hand on the like yeah how you doing how's it going now we're eating everybody and you're just like a human being is talking you know not just talking putting something out there for you to like or dislike explaining certain vulnerabilities about his life and the way he looks his own body image or how he parents his kids and you're just like like, wait. So we had a woman in, what was it, in Palm Springs, where the CEO's wife had an epileptic seizure during our show in the front row. And COVID, that's how you know they're laughing. That's how you know they're laughing.

Well, I was like, she's shaking, right? We count that as a laugh. We'll take it. There were so few other laughs. We're like, I mean, it paid us so much money that we, and they're like, you can stay at the hotel. We literally walked off stage and told the car drive back in the car and drive back to la it was the worst you want to sleep here yeah give me the check and i'm leaving oh no crazy all right so the so i'm glad it turned out great and the name i talked about a gig uh corporate gig on

this special american okay so yeah soverage American. Oh, nice. Netflix, so yeah. So again, the name of the special is? The Greatest Average American. The Greatest. Because I always say, that's what I always say. I'm a very average American. I have very average American taste.

But I'm just the greatest at it. Yeah, you're the superlative average American. I love that. That's awesome. There you go. Greatest Average American. And the podcast, which I also love, is, tell them what it is. The Nateland podcast.

Yeah, we started that. And Brian Bates, Aaron Weber, two comics from Nashville. And just, yeah, just trying to be fun. You guys are great. Just trying to be funny during this time, like, you know, to keep yourself. Because, you know, when you don't get to go on stage, so you don't get to be those reps of being funny. So, like, you know, it was a huge get to go on stage, so you don't get to be those reps of being funny.

So, like, you know, it was a huge help to start that podcast and do that. Well, people love it, too, because they're stuck wherever they are and they're fans of yours and they get a little more. They get just a little bit more of you. Well, they get to see how your mind works. It's a wonderful, like, extra thing because, you know, you work so hard and you're so economical with your bits many, many times. you work so hard and you're so economical with your bits many, many times. Like I watch a bit of yours in a special and I'm like, okay, I know exactly.

I know all the months of work that led to him getting to that place. Cause you're like, I'm sure you tried certain things that you're like, Oh, I'll go down this road right here. Nah, nah, we don't need that.

Oh, let's, let's cut that thing off. And then you get to the straightest point of where the joke is. You always do that. And so this is great to the straightest point of where the joke is. You always do that. And so this is great to hear just you free flowing on the podcast, which we love to. All right,

so check that out. Nate Lamb podcast. You ready for a second story? You ready? All right, let's do it. Here we go. Sent in by Mike at brew brew pounder.

Okay, he's got a drinker. He's a drinker. I'm going to read you guys the headline because it's always fun. I get to do that. Stranded day drinkers discover that beer air mattresses and the Indian Ocean

do not mix idiots. I mean idiots sometimes they drink. It can be bad enough, but you're doing an air mattress in the ocean at the same time. Yeah, yeah, it's just dumb. It's just sent in by they said they said they don't mix. They do not mix. Yeah, it's just dumb. It's just sent in by they said they said they don't mix. They do not mix. Yeah, no surprisingly

they surprise. It's gets a shocker. Yeah, that's why I'm just here for the first time. So I was like, oh, yeah on the other side of the world is a land where twenty two thousand miles of coastline kisses a vast expanse of a seemingly

infinite ocean all right these idiots got on an air mattress and went out in the ocean it is a land where the beer flows freely which presumably helps people forget that giant spiders stalk them at every turn australia you guys been to australia yeah jay has have you have you ever been to like uh no i've got to ask but it's like i'm waiting for my daughter to get you know what i mean like once you if you don't go before kids then you're like why she needs to be a little older you know like i don't want you want her to have a fighting chance of whatever tries to kill her in australia like yes yes she has to be able to outrun a very big tarantula i get it yeah yeah yeah you guys yeah we got you uh it says here i'm talking talking, of course, about Australia, where last Saturday, two men either didn't notice

or didn't mind that the inflatable mattress they were day drinking on was drifting out to sea. So I have an inflatable mattress. Have you guys done this story on your show? Yes, but it's okay. It's fine. It's okay. I have an inflatable.

We just did it. So it hasn't come out yet. So this will probably come out ahead of here. But I have an inflatable mattress that you know that my kids sleep on and i'll blow it up and then test it out ahead of time i just don't understand like it is it is i guess like a giant raft but it just feels really weird to put a bed out on the ocean and then just head out there like feels dirty yeah you wanted to float if you want to float on the ocean that much go buy an alligator first of all i guess it'd be crocodile for cross you're right

why a floating crocodile or get a boat i can't imagine it's expensive in australia you probably like some or steal a boat steal a boat steal a boat your day drinking yes i don't know the ocean always scares me like i how can you just... On a lake, I get it. Like, you know, or floating down a river. To me, if you're floating in an inner tube down a river and drinking beer, that's fun. That is the best. That's a great time.

That's relaxing. But who is... Have any of you guys been stuck in a riptide ever? In the ocean? Yeah. No. I have. Have you, Nate?

No. I was in Malibu swimming and I'm like I'm not. I'm not going the right way, like no matter what I'm doing. So then I try to start swimming parallel to the beach, and so I'm swimming, swimming, and there's a wave coming and I'm like I have to get on the beach side of this wave, because if I go on the other side, I'm just going to. I could feel it further out right at this time. I look back as I'm swimming. I look back up to the beach and the life guard is coming down from there like towards you yeah

yeah and they are. They are just kind of like walking parallel to me and I'm fighting and fighting and then I I angle it like I stay parallel, but then eventually you can start angling so I'm maybe like eighty ninety yards down from where I started is where I get out scares of fuck and the lifeguard just goes. I was close, huh? And I go yeah, and I'm exhausted. Yes,

ma'am, and I go. Yeah, and he's like, all right, you did it right. I go, okay, and then I go back to my friends and they're like, where were you? I'm like in my head. I'm like just like almost dead i'm sorry to you guys you get out of an uber you had to get an uber to get back yeah take an uber to get back to the beach i'm in ventura guys i'm three counts over man i'm but i mean that anybody who's been in

that knows that the idea of getting drunk and going out on a mattress on the ocean is so dumb. Oh my God. If I've been drinking with the option of being it's like drinking on the side of a cliff. Right. Right. Fact that like if you're like there's safety, but back here is just why would you want to say it'd be like drinking and then

trying to rock climb up a cliff like you're not even near the edge of the cliff. You're in it. You're of the cliff. If you're at the edge of the cliff, you're on the cliff. You're on the side of the thing. You're on the rock face. Yeah, you're on the rock face and you're drunk. You don't care about enough things if you're on an air mattress in the ocean. Or enough people don't care about you.

That's the fact. When they're near the beach, so they put the air mattress out. I'll tell you. Here we go. I'll tell you. This also feels like the air mattress, them buying it is like, when someone, you're like, just buy a tube. And like, well, the tubes were like $80.

But the air mattress is like $40. Yeah. Plus we can reuse it. And then there's guys that are like, you're brilliant, dude. You're like, I know. I know. Thank you. Look who figured it out.

Look who saved something here to create a huge problem over here. Jackson Perry and Noah Palmer, Perry and Palmer. The Australian Rizzoli and Isles. Also, Perry and Palmer does sound like a short-lived popular mixed cocktail that you buy pre-mixed

at the gas station. Perry and Palmer on the rocks, then give them a 7.7. I'll do a Perry and Palmer and I'll take 40 on a pub. Eight. You're ordering drinks at your gas

station. I think I think where that drink is on you. A hundred percent. Yeah, I'll take 40 on pump

eight and give me the hot Cheetos hot Cheetos and a Perry and Palmer. It's a tile flooring, but there's a lot of sand like a lot like too much sand Perry and Palmer.

That's Jackson and Noah had taken the air mattress and a cooler full of beer out into the water in front of Palmer's Oceanside House. Palmer must be doing well, or that's just how I'm going to be dehydrated. There's gonna be water all around. Also,

you guys ever in your life, i'm sure you have. We've all been on air mattresses, but you're not looking for stability on an air mattress. Like if you have a cooler, a beer, it's falling off like your balance is going to be so messed up the entire ocean. Dan, right, not a flat lake. It's yeah, it's the ocean there in front of palmer's ocean side, located just south of Perth on Australia's west coast. They'd intended to spend the day relaxing no more than 50 yards from shore, but the wind had other plans. The wind doesn't have plans.

By the way, that doesn't just like... Dan, you were saying you were suddenly like... Maybe it does suddenly happen to you I don't know I can come in yeah no but like yeah you aren't suddenly like miles off of the shore like you have to be noticing like this is going bad you have to be so drunk to be like hey where are we

is it should we look at where we're going your house small yeah they invited the wind out like also I'd say well the wind't want it to go do something else. Wind was a dick, man. Yeah. And you're like, nah.

You tell him to leave. You tell the wind to get out of here. Tell him to take us back. Just tell him to get out of there. He's your friend. Guys, I just think we could go a little bit further out. Wind. Wind.

Stop trying to make this a thing. Yeah. Yeah, they said that the wind had other plans. We couldn't paddle against the wind. Favorite Seeger song. And we just kept going further and further out. Get off the air mattress. Swim it back.

No, someone be like, get off the mattress. And their response would be like, but the cooler. Who the fuck cares about the cooler? You're right. It's probably a Yeti since this person has a beachfront house. Maybe we couldn't paddle against the cooler. Who the fuck cares about the cooler? Because you're right. It's probably a Yeti since this person has a beachfront house. Maybe we couldn't paddle against the wind. So we just kept getting further and further out, said Perry and an interview with

sunrise and Australian morning news program. We only aimed to be a hundred meters offshore. So if this happened to you, would you be talking to the news? Nate, would you be like, I don't really want to mention this dumb thing. Mistakes were made news stories. Yeah, news is like we want to get a statement from you. I'd be like, I don't really want to mention this dumb thing. Mistakes were made. News stories. Yeah. News is like, we want to get a statement from you. I'd be like,

yeah, my statement is, let's move on. How much do you blame wind? Because in that case, you might be like, I got to clear my name and put this on the way. They might have called and requested. We got a story for you. We got a story for you.

Okay. It says we only aim to be 100 meters offshore max and before we knew it we were out to sea it isn't before you well it might be because you were drunk that's like the description of the ocean is that like if you describe the ocean just so you know to see you know i know right now you're touching the beach and you think this is a good time that's right at any point you could you could be way out there way out there yeah that option is always on the table that's right you can always go out that is and it is trying to get you to go out there right every it the ocean is built to get you away from the land right it's there it's continuous all the way out there you need a motorized vehicle to get you back to where you're coming.

Yeah. There's no such thing as re erosion. It's erosion. It's all taking. Yes. It's all tech with the batteries on their phones dwindling. Yeah. And you know,

they just showed up at the beach, like at 23%. Oh yeah. Like the second it went in the water, it went from like green to red. Yeah. Do you know how hard it is to even stay near your chair if you're playing in the beach yeah you know what i mean like when you have your chair

like just that alone that's when you're staying and your kids are playing on the right right right oh you end up like you end up too like way down from your chair you gotta be like where's our stuff where's our stuff who stole our stuff. That's on land. That's on land. You're right. On land. Even throwing a frisbee, you end up shifting so far down. So far down. With batteries on their phone dwindling, Palmer and Perry called their friend Tex, perfect,

who they knew was about... I bet he calls it tech support. There you go. It was about 30 minutes away from their location. And as the wind carried them. How far out into the ocean? Do you guys remember how far out? All right, we'll go on the honor system. How far out? How far out do you think

the wind took in me and Palmer? Is it me in meters? No, we'll go miles miles took them out into the Indian Ocean in that thirty minute time. Yeah, so they called him like I mean, I think No, we'll go miles. Miles? Took them out into the Indian Ocean. In that 30-minute time. Yeah. So they called him like, I mean, I think it goes quicker than you want it to go.

Yes. I want to say a couple miles is what I want to say. Do you go two? Two. Two miles. Okay. Jason Sklar. I think they went like five miles. I think they were a mile offshore. Okay. The wind carried them

out into the Indian Ocean before they could realize what was happening with a cooler and an air mattress and a dream. Two and a half miles. Oh, man. You are out there. You can't probably see much land. I mean, maybe you can see the horizon.

You can see the horizon. You can see the horizon. It's a two-minute drive in a car. If you're going 60 miles an hour, it takes you three minutes. Yeah, to be like, if we come get you in a car, going fast,

it's going to take us two minutes. Things get better or worse, depending on if you're joking about this story. You start looking at probably, well, where are we going? Maybe it's better just to get to where we're going. Let's get to New Zealand. At what point are you just like, this is how I die? This is how I go?

Guys, if I took any of you just as far as how far a normal pier goes out, you would be like, what the a normal pier goes out dan if you would you would be like what the fuck are we doing out here dan if you took me where you were swimming and you thought you were gonna die i'd be like what are we doing i don't need to do this back to the half miles i mean there's a sandbar usually it's kind of like the ocean being like this is enough right it's like the ocean telling you don't know right so i was in was in Hawaii and I saw a sea turtle and I had, you know, a whole snorkel gear, so I started following it right and it's all coral reef and all and

it's gorgeous and I'm following this turtle for probably like twenty minutes. It was just so cool to watch it and it gets to a point where it it kind of veers to the right and then we hadn't't gone this way at all veers to the right out in towards the ocean, right and it goes and I follow it for a little bit and then I look and see where I'm at and I had just passed the edge of the coral reef dips off and I'm watching it go. I'm in blue water and I'm watching it go out to black water and I was like I just waved because i'm like i can't go this is that's a different we're in a different world and i don't even know if i feel

good in this world where i'm at right now i've gone scuba diving that florida trip with that guy got my buddy's uncle got hurt we also went scuba diving the only time i've ever been scuba diving yeah and they there was a girl on the boat because we had to take the lessons and we had to do it but there was a girl on the boat that couldn't go scuba diving if we went to a spot that dropped off right because like it is logically you're thinking you're really high up in the air right truly i mean it goes you know to be a thousand feet down so like she couldn't wrap her head around like once she got over that and then it's just like nothing's around, you can't see the bottom, she couldn't do it.

Yeah, I don't know. I felt that. I did snorkeling on the Great Barrier Reef up in the other side. Did you see the edge? Yes. So we flew out on a tiny little plane to this little island that was no bigger than a car. Like you open like car doors to get in.

It was the windiest like landing ever. And I was terrified the whole time. And I was like, if I survive this plane thing, I'm gonna do the snorkeling thing. I didn't do scuba diving, but I snorkeled out to the edge and it's like light, light, light. You can see all kinds of fish.

And all of a sudden just like boom, black. Darkness. And you're like, I couldn't go over that edge. I really could not do that. You could if you were drunk on a mattress you never know that's for things back to these two the pair noticed they were gradually sinking of course they were worse due to the fact that yeah have you ever had a have you ever had an air mattress that wasn't leaking air ever in your life by the way this is why it's an air mattress that is designed for when people come to stay at your

house as opposed to a flotation device, right? They can like handle the sea. No, the pair noticed they were gradually sinking due to the fact that the mattress was full of pinholes. I imagine they dragged it along rocks or something like that. I'm sure to stay afloat. Palmer jumped off the mattress every

few minutes and re inflated it manually while the duo waited for help to arrive, which was the other guy. Perry was like, I'm going to stay with the cooler. We each have priorities, and you know, Perry was like, hey, man, you got to blow it like him saying, hey, you got to blow it up a little bit more. That's like going to set this guy off. Hey, why don't you get off the fucking thing and start blowing it up? Can you do the next part too? The neck pillow part?

By the way, that's the only time that it's good that they weren't married. If they were married, only one of them would have come back. All the subtext of you're not blowing it hard enough. It's like I could say some things to you and then it's like, what do I say?

What do I say is the worst thing in the world my wife can ever say to me ever, ever, ever. Do you get the emails? Do you get the emails? Well, do you get the emails? Do you get the school emails? Yes, I get all of them. Okay.

Well, then I don't know why you're asking me about what they're supposed to bring today. Well, do you read them? Yeah, I fucking read the emails. So, yeah. After three hours of drifting, Tex arrived on a jet ski to rescue his friends. This guy's a hero.

What else would he do? Dude, he was just waiting to go rescue someone on a jet ski. How great would it be if he rides out on the jet ski, just grabs the cooler and drives away just as a joke? I'll be back. Or brings him more beer to the cooler and he's like, I want to be comfortable driving a jet ski that far. Two and a half miles

out. Two and a half miles out? Out. That's insane. That's a lot of I mean, that's straight like 25 minutes. And then when you're way out, you're like, how much gas? You hit some big waves.

Big waves. And you're like, how much gas did I put in this thing? And you get out there and they've given up hope by the time you get there. And they're just like, they're starting to have sex with each other. They're on the verge. They're like, we could do this because we're never going to see people again. We're never going to see anybody again.

That's why you don't want a comic to save you either. Because you know that comic's thought of so many bits. They're going to buzz the tower around you a few times after drift, a guy, one more group and i'll come back guys good yeah, you guys want to see does he slide into him to like just spray him with water, you loser

man. He was followed by a team of volunteer rescuers. This is like Dunkirk, who helped bring Perry and Palmer to shore when asked if they had any advice to other people who enjoyed drinking on a floating air mattress. Perry said, quote, definitely check the wind forecast before anything. That's not

a thing. There's no such thing as a wind forecast, and you live by the beach, dummy. But expressed no regrets about his death-defying adventure into the briny blue expanse. I'd do it again. Quote, and we'll get out of here on this, other than that, we had a pretty good time.

Yeah. You did not have a pretty good time. But you can say that because your buddy didn't die. Right. Your friend didn't drown. You didn't have to eat your friend to survive. The person that needs to hear that advice is not hearing that

advice. When he says that, you're like, everybody watching this news channel is not doing what you're doing. The guy that needs to hear that is you. Have you ever watched this channel? Have you ever watched this channel? He's like, no. They always say the line between the hero and fool is success yeah right

and the same thing between a good time and tragedy yeah is like no death like well. It's a great time. I that story number two nice we when we come back. We have a patreon question for nate from one of our listeners. Plus, in addition to that, I'm going to bring up a story for nate that that happened to him that completely explains why you how you become a comic these things just happen in your life and then what's the third story what are we gonna we have one of the dumbest products ever sold i love it it's don't people town nate bargett he's with us don't go anywhere

stick around Stick around. Make a sound for more Dumb People Town. All right, everybody. Shout out. Shout out. Time for the dumb name game. I love it. Well, the names aren't dumb, but we are. We are.

And we are going to say thank you, hello, but never goodbye to some people who make this town great. These are our Patreons. Get ready to hear your name like never before. Erica McGrady Crutcher. Erica McGrady Crutcher is the beginning of every limerick. That's good. Went to the city of Mutcher. Erica McGrady Crutcher.

She sounds like a personal attorney. Yes, personal injury attorney. Erica McGrady Crutcher. She slipped on a banana, talked to my nana, and now she no longer plays his friends with Ashton Kutcher. At a certain point, I think people, townies are changing their names just so that we can have fun with it.

Next one on here is Ted Fraunfelder. Fraunfelder. There are three vowels in a row. Dan, you know what schadenfreude is? It's when someone does something and you feel fraunfelder towards someone, that means you feel sorry for someone who's had schadenfreude.

The fronfelders definitely have a cabin within a half a mile of my cabin. Fronfelder effect in effect. Next up is David Hainer. Hainer. Hainer. You're a David. Hainer. You're a David.

Get your game on. Go play. Get your Patreon. Go play. And then we have Kelly Lynch. Kelly Lynch. Kelly Lynch was the original name of the Bad News Bears guy, but it wound up being Kelly Leak.

I'm going to say this next name in the form of a local TV ad. Let's hear it. Hi, I'm Ben Bartlett. Are you looking for a new couch to change your life? And he's holding a Bartlett pair the whole time in the commercial. And remember it. These couches pair with anything. When my grandfather started Bartlett Furniture,

I remember him telling me, Ben, someday all this will be yours. So don't forget to take a bite out of that design. Next up, we have Craig Fox. Craig Fox. Isn't he a regular at the Comedy Store? That's Craig Fox. Craig Fox. At the Comedy Store.

Isn't he a regular at the Comedy Store? That's Kirk Fox. Craig Fox. Craig Fox. Love him. Oh, guys, guess what? We have a founding mother slash father. Founding parent, Dawn Thornton.

D-O-H-N. Is it Dawn? Dawn Thornton. I can't believe he's not the third or the fourth. I can't believe she's not the third or fourth.. I can't believe she's not the third or fourth. Dawn Thornton was a middle reliever. Don't do it. Was a middle reliever for the athletics.

Don't push the joke. Don't push the joke. I love that name. It has such an air of importance. This is either three people or one person that you can never remember which name is first. Between kids in a trench coat. Ernie John George. Ernie John George.

Doesn't that sound like a kid's song? Ernie John George and I don't care. Ernie John George and Inie John George. Doesn't that sound like a kid's song? Ernie John George and I don't care. Ernie John George and I don't care. All right, next up, Chuck Zierfoss. Guys. Zierfoss. At this point, we have jumped the shark with these names. Who brought all this light beer?

Zierfoss. He brought all the beer. And don't complain because he paid for everything. He got three of it. They were all skunk. How about this guy? You guys ever met Grant Manship? Oh.

Are you kidding me? Grant Manship is a townie. Uncle Granty Manship. Dude, this is our guy. I love that job. We've had many a drunken, debaucherous night with Granty Manship.

I mean, the best was after our Bell House. A lot of people sounded at the Bell House and he, this is what I'll say about Grant Manship. He did,

everyone was doing karaoke and he bought the entire bar shots of tequila. Which I hate tequila, but I did the shot because I love him. Because he karaoke'd the song Tequila, which is only just one word. Annette Poulton. Our mom's name's Annette. Love it. I love you, Annette Poulton.

Here's somebody that's near and dear to our hearts, Katie Dugan. Katie Dugan! She's got nine projects in that garage. Katie Dugan. We saw Katie Dugan at our benefit for the Ann Arbor Comedy Showcase. She was like a roast of a guy that she does not even know. Who was the supporter? I saw her and I almost cried.

She made a Hub City visor for Bingo. She's the best, man. Scott Benson and Hedges. Scott Benson and Hedges. Menthol Ultralights. Ultralight 100s. All right. Atif. Lodhi.

Lodhai. Lodhai. Atif Lodhai. Like the Creedence Clearwater song? Oh, Lord. Stuck in Atif Lodhai again. Lodhai. Whoa.

He's for the fun. Atif for the show. Atifo's waiting for No go, Lord I Adam Durham Adam Durham, the Adam Durrets of this operation. And then next up, just one word, Catherine. Catherine.

The share to our dumb people, Tommy. Thank you, Catherine. Here's another one. This sounds like a job. Catherine the Great. This sounds like a job or a secret club of people in the 1800s. Freeman Fisher. Freeman Fisher. The Freeman Fishers are a secret organization. people in the 1800s. Freeman Fisher. Freeman Fisher.

The Freeman Fishers are a secret organization. Well, they wear black robes. You can never see the face of the person you're talking to. If you told me he was a first baseman for the Atlanta Braves in the mid-90s. Freeman Fisher? Yeah, sure. All right, we have a couple more of these. Ariana Giorgi.

Hey. Ariana Giorgi. It's probably Gorgi. Yeah. Georgi. Is it Georgi or Gorgi? Georgi. Georgi?

I like Georgi. Georgi. Georgi. She sounds like a cool little dog. Ariana Giorie. Yeah. Georgie. Is it Georgie or Gorgie? Georgie. Georgie. I like Georgie. Georgie. Georgie. She sounds like a cool little dog. Ariana Georgie. Rebecca Dish. Dish. Dish.

D-I-C-S-C-H. Dish. Dish. Dish. Mark Marcus. I said Dish. Great sketch. Oh, my God.

That sketch. Mark Marcus. You said that? You said that? You said that right there? Yeah. To her face. You said that? What'd you say? What that right there? Yeah. To her face, you said that. What'd you say?

What'd you say? What'd you say? I said, I said, Dish. Mark Marcus. Mark Marcus. Love his redundancy. Loose Lucy.

Eric. We have a couple more. Eric Gregory. Yes. Eric Gregory. It feels like from London. From Eric Gregory. It's like the name.

It should be the name on the inside of every turtleneck. Yeah. Eric Gregory is like a deep cut Harry Potter character. It's like the name. It should be the name on the inside of every turtleneck. Eric Gregory is like a deep cut Harry Potter character. He has no powers. And then we'll get a couple more. Jennifer Patterson. Yes, Jennifer Patterson. Always. She's the first one at the party

and the last one to leave. Jennifer Patterson is a girl you had a crush on in junior high. Give me the Patterson file. I want to see what's going on over there. Jennifer Patterson. Two more. I want to do Mike McGill. Sure. I want to end the relation to Jimmy McGill from Better Call Saul. Maybe. Slippin' Mikey. Slippin' Mikey.

And then Katie Kay. Now look, Mike McGill, I don't want to skip over this pillar of the community. Thank you, Mike. Love that. And then Katie Kay, true local. I wonder if Katie, I think Katie Kay is our La Asesina. No, it's not La Asesina. I think it is. Is it? Yes. I'm getting the judges. Iina no it's not less i think it is it is yes i'm getting the judges i'm looking over the judges if it is katie k we're big fans yeah asesina la asesina i dude you think somebody will get to see her fight i would love to see her

fight god i would imagine the three of us at the cage? Can we walk out Gracie style with her? Yes. Hoods up. With our fisherman Freeman hoods up. We walk out there in robes and she gets up the thing and we just go nuts on the octagon. Oh my God. I would root her out. All right.

Those are some people we want to give shout outs to. We got more to do. I hope you guys love that as much as we do. If we gave you a nickname or told you something new about your life that is binding. You are now that person and you have to live that life. You're welcome and let's get back to the show. All right, Dan gets in this last story. All right, here we go ready sent in by Carlin Mcdermott at she be Carlin. I love this girl. All right, here we go.

Yes, one night stand scented candle. Have you guys talked about this? No with this one night. Have you heard of this night? It's a scented candle that is themed after a one night stand. What does it smell like regret? If Gwyneth Paltrow's vagina and orgasm candles will touch on that, I think I know about that are a bit too pricey. One UK novelty company is selling its own sex themed candle for a cheaper price and a cheaper kind of sex by Derek Jeter. Your that it'd become with a gift basket that would come with the candle in the basket.

Yeah, Yorkshire based candle company flaming crap is has has debuted the one night, the one night standal, a scented candle, which is meant to invoke memories of a singingly a singly night of sex i never heard i never seen it what does the one night stand candle smell like i don't know i feel like it's got a like uh like your clothes at night but during the day yeah yeah yeah it's got to have a mix of you know like that what would make you think I'm at this lovely dinner and it's romantic dinner, but then also like grass being cut. Yeah, exactly.

Yes. Exactly. It has to smell like. A real day smell. Like it should smell like the way, like, you know, when you walk into older bars, like right when they open and you can just smell a hundred years of beer. Yes.

It's that like fermented, spilled beer smell. You walk in there like, who's opening old books in here. Oh, that's just Jeff at the end of the bar or or I think it should smell like you know when you get leftovers from like you have leftovers from a restaurant and then it makes your entire fridge smell like whatever whatever it was. It's a little bit of that to to achieve the special fragrance. The candle has notes of pizza, passion, fruit, martini, condoms and a taxi. What taxi yeah? What do what do condom is now like a loan? The four

don't know the four layers of fragrance, like I said, include pizza, because all good dates start with dinner, says the brand and a passion fruit martini, I guess, because it's like drinking getting into it. You want to forget about it, then it's time to get lucky with a luscious latex aroma before your sneaky three am taxi ride home as the candle burns out to a stunning near new car smell, which is not how taxis smell the brand says yeah all right. You guys want to see a picture of this candle? I do. I think we should have it pulled up for you guys.

So see, it's like layers. It's like layers. You burn through the layers as you light the candle. Why does the condom look like it's broken? Oh, wow. Did you say the condom looks like it's broken? It looks like it's broke a hole in the middle of the condom. Yeah.

So nine months. I'm starting to get very impressed by the scandal to be on the fact that you can burn through like it's like pizza and martini. Here's the funny thing. Nate, you just made me think of this. If this was someone's bit, this would be great merch. Oh my God.

Incredible. I mean, it'd be a bitch to take with you on the road, but if you do the whole ship it there, yeah, then ship it back. You would sell out of all these if you had a great bill around. This is if this candle was amazing. If the condom was broken in this, then nine months later, it

smelled like an adoption agency. Yes, just like the inside lobby of an adoption agency. Wait, so I just I'm also like kind of impressed at like the packaging, like there's a lot in this. If you bring someone home who you just meet that night, do you light this candle before it happens?

Or the next day when you miss them. Or the next day when they haven't texted back. Remember that one night stand we had? I lit a candle for it. Yeah. In memoriam. You light this in the living room so your roommate knows. Don't come in the door. so your roommate knows it's someone

the towel on the door. They can tell where they're at. How did it go last night? Check the one night standal. It's all burnt. You're like well, it's stopped at pizza. So it kind of wasn't the best. I blew it out. I blew it out a condom. He's still here.

Well, people may not always feel good coming home from one night stand. They can feel good about buying these ethically made candles, which are crafted from vegan soy wax and put in recycled packaging and labels. This is an impressive piece of merch. When you say people don't feel good

coming home from one night stand, you're talking about women. Women do not feel good. No dude ever has had a one night stand, women women no dude ever has had a one night stand dan no dude has ever had a one night stand and been like oh that a lot of regret up in that piece that felt bad some do many people's dating lives have become disasters over the course of the last year the one night standal takes you on a sensual journey through dinner and drinks with sense that will remind you of sex and that awkward taxi journey home great said Oliver Burr, Bill's cousin, co-founder of flaming crap. We hope this can be both a funny, a fun reminder

of dating disasters and what is to come for those that have spent the last year on their own. Yep, while the candle may be more a joke than a pretty home fragrance, it clearly makes a less expensive gag gift than one of Gwyneth Paltrow's virtual candles. I'm going to ask you guys, how much do you think the one night stand will cost? Nate, what do you think? I love, well, the idea of it being

merch too, like you're really right. If you had this as a comic, dude, I mean, you would be, you'd sell out of them. You'd have a beach house. Based on the merch. You wouldn't be able to do an act your act would you would be this what you would be the one night stand and it's all you could be right you would go i'm not bigger than this right this is you start where you would like you'd start booking big festivals and stuff just because

they want you to sell and they would only book once. Like you yourself would be like a one night stand of a comic. You can never come back. That's right. It's right. Just like a one night stand. So how much do you think it costs? I mean, Baron burns four different ways.

Burns four ways. Yeah. I don't know how much, $29.99. That's really good. That is, damn you. Okay.

Jay, what'd you think? God, that is good. I'm going to say $29.99? That's really good. That is, damn you. Okay, Jay, what'd you think? God, that is good. I'm going to say $19.99, $20. I think it's $36. Okay. Well, they did say it was cheaper than Gwyneth Paltrow, which hers is like $75. Right, hers is expensive.

So I said $36. So it might be high. I don't know. I said $36. I think $29 is a really good one. What'd you say, Jay? $19. $19.

One of you is 50 cents off. Oh! Does anybody want to go up or down? I said 35.50 is what I think. I don't know. I'm 50 cents off. Well, it's not going to be 45. 29.50.

Okay. There you go, Jay. It's 20.50. Okay. The total cost, we will leave you all on this, for the one-night stand-all is, after converting, $19.50. Oh, so close. So it's a cheap one-night stand.

Cheap one-night stand. You want to move them, they're moving them. They're moving them. They're moving them. I think they could sell them for $29.99. I bet they could too. I love it. Everybody who's listening to this podcast, March 18th, I want you to go check out Nate Bargetzi's new stand-up special.

Give it five stars. Greatest Average American. Give it five stars. Tell people about it. This is how this wonderful, brilliant friend of ours gets to just continue making them. And we are all luckier for it dude thank you so much for doing the show uh we'll have you on our sports podcast soon and we'll just talk uh vandy sports and just college sports and just the life the life we live playing golf all of it we love you buddy thanks so much love you guys you too and oh shit we gotta get back to work.