Dumb People Town - Nate Bargatze - Young, Dumb, and Full of Fork

Episode Date: May 21, 2019

This week Nate Bargatze joins the show!In Story 1, two dummies shoot each other while wearing bulletproof vests.  Then in a Stitcher Premium exclusive segment, the guys talk to Nate about his special and more!  Story 2 brings us a man who swallows a fork.  Story 3 is the tale of violence at a Wawa. 

Star Bands Out of There, a podcast network. Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population new. Population Bargetti. Nate Bargetti. What's up, buddy? What's up? Man, what an awesome time to have you here. You did our other podcast, View from the Cheap Seats.

You were amazing. It was so fun to talk sports with you. And we've never had you on this one, which kind of bums me out because you are, I mean, it just bums me out that you're here. You just say I'm dumb. That's what you wanted to say You're dumb You say that in your stand up But I don't mean it You guys mean it

We mean it and no You are very aware that you don't know a lot of things But you Your awareness of it I feel like Makes you smarter than the people we talk about on this show, which they don't know a lot of things, but they think they know a lot of things. So if you feel dumb, you'll hear these stories,

and you will feel smart, is what we're trying to say. Dumb with confidence is a bad combo, am I right? Yeah, but I usually get how they could, why they think what they're thinking. Okay, so this is why I'm glad you're here, because we can figure out what the hell is going on. Our awesome fans send us great stories, and then we will just go through them. And I just want to jump in right away, Dan.

Is that okay? You ready to do one? We'll talk about all the great stuff Nate's got going on. And me. And you, Dan. Okay, great. Sent in by Adam V. At, ready for this?

Just for DPT. Oh, that's his handle? That's his handle on Twitter. There you go, buddy. Or he didn't understand what Diamond Dallas Page's initials were. Either way, that would still be great. Is it this? Yes, it is that.

It's high above your head. It's a diamond cutter. Yeah, that's his. It's also a vagina. It's his move is to make it a lot. He didn't start professional wrestling until he was like 38. We had him on our show. Oh, you did?

Yeah. And then he was sponsoring the show through his power yoga, which was amazing. But then he would call Randy and ask me how I was doing on his yoga. How would he ask you, Randy? I think I have his phone number in my phone, too, from doing a show with him. How you doing, Rand? It's Dallas, brother. It's Dallas, my man.

I'm eating some honeydew out of a Tupperware, too. I got a de-huge. The amount of Tupperware that guy goes through is just insane. Well, this first story is perfect for what we were talking about because these two guys are complete idiots. All right. A lot of confidence and a little bit of creativity, which is the

perfect recipe. Tiny dollop of creativity. Not enough creativity to have aspirations, but enough to play around. To make it fun. Yeah, exactly. Enough to make it fun. Alright, Rogers, Arkansas. Two Arkansas

men face charges. This story was sent to me if i had to guess i bet the story was sent to me no like 200 no get out wait to you it's it's exactly dumb people tell okay two arkansas men face charges after allegedly shooting each other during a night of drinking while each man tried on a bulletproof vest. So that's the moment where you're like, do these work? Let's find out. There's only one way to find out. By the way, there's another way to find out. Just hang the jacket up and shoot at it.

100%, right? Yeah, but you don't think of that until after. Or ever. Can I just say that like... You don't think of that until someone says it. Yeah, yeah. But then does it really work? What do you really feel? How do you know if the chair even felt anything? Yeah. You don't think of that until someone says it. Yeah, yeah. But then does it really work? What do you really feel?

How do you know if the chair even felt anything? Yeah. You don't know. It can't talk to you. If a bullet goes through a vest and it's not on you, did it really go through the vest? Well, we used a piece of pig meat. It's like the same as human flesh. Can pigs talk?

No. How would you even know? The pig isn't supposed to be alive. Does it really hurt? Yes. That's what I want to know. Do I feel it? I want to know do i feel it what do you i want to hear your response for every day so i was driving the other day and i was making

like a left turn onto uh silver lake boulevard and there was a this thing in the road and it looked like a coffee cup and in then as i got closer to it it was actually like a metal piece of of a car but my initial thought, I want to drive over that thing. I want to run. We talked about this before. That's when you know you've grown up is when you see a box in a road and you're like, hey. I'm not going to do it. I don't want to mess the car up.

I don't want to mess the car up. So I literally was driving. I'm going to plow through. I want to just crush this thing so bad. It's the same thing of like, put that vest on. I want to shoot you right there. And I rolled up to it and saw that it was like something metal and i was like one thing's gonna happen i'm either gonna miss it and not get it fully and it's gonna fly up into the like

window of the car next to me or i'm gonna like ruin my car so like i didn't do it but in this moment i can understand there was the pull to want to do it was really hard. Sure. I wish you would have done it and we could know what would have happened. But it feels like... Now we don't know. Right. Nate wants to know. Nate wants to know.

A Benton County Sheriff's Deputy took the initial report from the men, Charles... Here's the names. Charles Eugene Ferris, CEA. Say Ferris. And Christopher Hicks, Chris Hicks,

were both arrested Sunday on charges of felony aggravated assault. A Benton County Sheriff deputy took the initial report from Ferris. If it's consensual, is it aggravated assault? No. They're like, we're doing this together. You put yours on, I'll put mine on. I think, as I said to somebody on the internets, I said, I think they just don't, it's always going to be illegal to shoot a gun at somebody.

Yeah. No matter. Even if they're cool with it. Even if they're cool with it. I mean, suicide is illegal. Yeah. So even if you do it yourself. Right.

Yeah. I mean, it's hard to enforce. Yeah. I mean. Right. The penalty after you die. It's capital punishment. It is. I mean, the penalty after you die. It's capital punishment.

It is. Suicide. Retroactive. You will get the death penalty. Benton County Sheriff's Department took the initial report from Ferris at the hospital where authorities say Ferris invented a story to cover for Hicks. Okay. But here's the deal. It is consensual.

They do love each other. It's like they're like a modern-day Thelma and Louise. Right. They're trying to just do it to each other to get out of the deal. It is consensual. They do love each other. It's like they're like a modern-day Thelma and Louise. Right. They're trying to just do it to each other to get out of the life that they are. But one guy put on the bulletproof vest, and his friend shot him. And then they switched gun and vest, and then the other guy shot him. Oh, it's one of those. So they only had one vest.

Yes. You be shirts, I'll be skins. Right. Here's what happened at the hospital ferris went to the hospital obviously he had some sort of injury he was hurt he told police there that he was hired to protect an asset that's in quotes who paid him 200 to follow him into the woods at hobbs state park according to a probable cause affidavit. What? Ferris said the pair went into the woods and met another man dressed in a white suit around 10 p.m.

This is the best this guy could come up with. What is this? I need you to tell me, sir, how you got shot. The guy in the white suit was Ray Lewis. I just want to say that. And I don't know where that suit is now. We don't know. We don't know.

He was taking it off as he left the scene. Guy in a white suit is what they think Jesus wears, right? Yeah. Oh, no. These guys watched season one of Narcos, and they were like, it's the white suit. That's like the craziest, most evil guys. So then he goes to the- If you have a white suit and you're walking into the middle of the woods, you are not

walking in the middle of the woods with good intentions. Never. Yeah, there's no reason to be you're you're gonna mess some dudes up yeah or you're gonna be a ghost okay right yeah uh so then he says so the cop was like what are you doing he's like protecting an asset who a person for how much money two hundred dollars this isn't even a good gig no protecting an asset too don't protect anybody from a man in a white suit for $200. It's a minimum

$2,000. No, but he's not protecting the man in the white suit. Yeah, why would you not say that the money should be higher? Right. But $200, look, from people that would do this, $200 could be a lot of money. That's right. It's life-changing money. They said they went into the woods and met another man

dressed in a white suit on 10 p.m. The man approached Ferris' ass set when a gunfight broke out. See, now he's making himself a hero. Ferris said he was struck six times, but also managed to return fire before driving off with the ass set. So in his story,

he got a few shots off. Which I hope might be the smartest thing because if they each shot at each other he has he would fail a gsr test the gunshot residue test so he needs to explain how he also shot a gun so by the way that is a pretty good explanation yeah i'll give him credit ferris said the asset dropped him off at his vehicle before he dumped his weapons and drove himself to Mercy Hospital. So this is his whole thing.

When you're protecting an asset and your job is to protect it, the first thing you do after that is you dump the weapons. They can't, and they have to admit that there's guns involved. Right. You would think, what if he's like, I got hit by something. Like a 2x4. And then he's like, well, I can't. Guns have to be involved. Right. Like, you know, because you would think, what if they just, he's like, I got hit by something.

Like a two by four. And then he's like, well, I can't. So you gotta, guns have to be involved. Have to be involved. Also, I ain't no pussy.

Yeah. I know how to shoot guns. Listen, man, I got this from a, a gunfight broke out. Right. Like, by the way, a gunfight broke out

says it in such a way of like, no one was expecting that to happen. And $200, I feel like he does it for the love of the game more than the money. I don't even need this asset. It's not even about the money.

I appreciate the $200, but it's not even about the money. I don't even like the woods. Listen, I would do it for free. I really would. But I appreciate you throwing me some money, but I, again. Come on, man. I'm just here. I'm here to help.

People ask me, what do I do? I protect assets. Right. And I don't even feel here. I'm here to help. People ask me, what do I do? I protect assets. I don't even feel it. Come hell or high water. Never work a day in your life, man. Do something you love. Protecting assets. Also, he's just pulling together pieces of Seagal movies

he can remember. The government didn't want me to do that job. What government? What are we talking about here? I had a ponytail at the time. Sir, it happened today. You don't have a ponytail. Cut it off. However, this is...

However, Ferris' wife arrived at the hospital a short time later, and this whole thing fell apart. Because she had the real story. She came in with the typical wife stuff. She wasn't free. Because she was like, what? No. Here's what this asshole did. Yeah. fell because she had the real story she came in with the typical wife she wasn't free because she was like what no here's what this asshole did yeah uh she told investigators that her husband that's ferris and hicks stop talking charlene no tell the truth i got it babe her husband and i already told him what happened you don't need to tell him

don't you imagine the cops being like hey you're Hicks. I already told him what happened. You don't need to tell him. Don't you imagine the cops being like, hey, you're the wife? Yeah, so he told us what happened. And then she goes, yeah, they shot each other while drinking on the back porch of our home on Deer Lane Road. She just blew it wide open. That's what she calls the woods. Our back porch. Right. Ferris later recanted his initial story to deputies saying

he made it up to keep hicks from getting in trouble he cares about hicks is the asset right ferris said the true story he's gonna get the 200 if he caves in to the end if he gives him up then it's like i I wonder if Hicks. Asset unprotected. If Hicks gave Ferris the story. I'm going to tell you to tell them what happened. Want your $200? He owns him for $200.

Ferris said the true story was that he had been wearing the vest when he asked Hicks to shoot him with a.22 caliber semi-automatic rifle. Jesus. him with a 22 caliber semi-automatic rifle jesus the vest stopped the bullet but still hurt and left a mark on his chest yeah or you mean it worked perfectly that's right the best stopped you from dying i would almost say you don't get to go to the hospital right because you a bullet didn't go into you today so you how about you just ice that up? Yeah. Just walk it off. Walk it off. Walk it off.

Get some icy hot and walk it off. Go walk into the woods and meet a guy with a white suit. Here's the part that I hate because of how stupid they are, but I like because of how dumb they are. Uh-huh. Ferris, after being shot once and still being hurt, got pissed off because he was hurting from the shot. So then he unloaded a clip into Christopher's

back. So he has Christopher put on the bulletproof vest after he's mad about getting shot once. He's like, turn around. I'm not going to shoot in the front. Obviously, that already took a round. I'll shoot in the back. And then he shoots every remaining bullet into the guy's back.

And that guy didn't go to the hospital. I know, man. He's got a strong back. This is how they write go to the hospital. I know, man. He's got a strong back. This is how they write the sentence, too. Ferris became pissed because he was hurting from the shot. Wait, wait. A newspaper said he became pissed? Where are we at where newspapers are?

At a place that's covering news for people that are shooting each other in the woods. That's where we are. Okay, fine. Ferris became pissed because he was hurting from the shot so then he has harris put it on put on the bulletproof vest and quote unloaded a clip into christopher harris is back after he put the vest on yeah oh thank god yeah yeah that's what friends do for each other they blow a whole load i'm sure it wasn't even fully zipped up before he started unloading it. Hicks was only suffered bruising from the gunshots. Ferris initially told his wife, quote, he was fine after the shooting, but complained about the pain. So she told him to go to the hospital.

That's right. Where he then decided to lie. So then she showed up and said, here's what my dipshit husband actually did. Here's the truth. So she didn't go with him to the hospital. No. She just came shows up blow it up yeah later once somebody called and says can you tell us about this asset she was like i'll be right there she essentially did the whole situation opened up a clip of truth into their backs they did not have bulletproof vestal they blew that thing up i'm gonna show you guys these two and these two fucking idiots look exactly how you'd imagine.

Oh. There they are. Yeah. Look at them. They just look like they don't want. The guy on the right here, show it to the camera. The guy on the right, or the left, the right of, I don't know, however you're looking.

The big guy. The fat guy without facial hair looks like he is constantly tired. And I don't know, who's the guy? Who's the guy who shot, who unloaded the clip in the back? Eugene Harris is on the left. Christopher Hicks is on the right. So the big guy is the guy who got all the stuff shot into his back. Yes, the guy who appears to be about 6'1", 6'2".

I mean, Christopher Harris on the left, that's a goatee that tells me, don't tell me my business. What household chores did you plan to do that day if you're wearing that white shirt? It looks like a loose straight jacket. It's like an ugly smock. Like he's had it on for 10 years and he's like, I'll get out of it. I don't need your help. I can do it.

I can do it. I'll get up through the neck. Okay. I can still drink. You put a straw in that. Okay. Both Christopher Ferris and Charles, I'm sorry,

Charles Ferris and Christopher Hicks were arrested on suspicion of aggravated assault. They were given a court date of May 13th, 2019. If anybody wants to go sit in the chair, sit in there. Now a judge issued, this is what i was another favorite thing it's dumb people's house a judge issued a no contact order between the men they're not allowed to hang out anymore that's right oh the judge is like you lost your brother yeah what is their judge is their wife you're like

hey i don't like you spending time with that guy. Meanwhile, I'm sure they were like, why? Why can't we hang out? I love this guy. Turn around. Clearly we're good friends. That's worse than any life sentence you could give me. Okay, you ready for this game we're going to play? And we'll get out of here on this. Let's play a game.

There's a little wrinkle in what we usually do. Who's older? No. How many years apart are these two guys? This is such a fun game. So two guys. How many years apart? We're not guess their age. We're just how many years apart are these two guys? This is such a fun game. So two guys. How many years apart? We're not guess their age.

We're just how many years apart. Yes. How many years apart are, what is it? Charles Eugene and Christopher Hicks. Okay. Chris Hicks. We'll put it up on the 50. Part of me, as I see them, I'm hearing.

Well, let Nate. Nate, do you want to go first, Tig, or 30? In my head, it popped up 22 years apart. Okay. Like a 30-something to 50-something. Okay. Yeah, there you go. All right, Jay, what do you think?

Yeah, the guy on the left with the goatee is like 40. I keep hearing the song Father and Son by Cat Stevens in my head as it's playing in the background, as they're just unloading clips into each other's bags. I think he's like 41, and I think that guy's like 55. So I'm going to say 14 years. 14 years apart. Yeah, I think they're 11 years apart.

11 years apart. Yep. Okay. One of you. Oh, God. Is exactly right. No! Now we get to play another game, Nate.

Who's right? Who do you think is exactly right? So you can go first, Tig, or third in that as well and decide where do you want to guess who you think is right. I mean, I could be right. Of course. I want to still stick with what I think is right because I think when you live like that,

I think you look real bad in your 30s, and then when you hit 50, you finally look like you're 50. Who you're look so i think that i think the guy on the left is in his 30s and when he's 50 you're gonna be like yeah he's 50 like you know but right now he looks 50 he's got a bad 20 years and what was your original number 22 22 i said 14 now that makes me worried that you don't remember my i promise all right mine's right i Mine's right. I think I'm right. Okay. 14. I said 11.

Okay. Charles, Eugene, Ferris, and Christopher Hicks. Two men just trying to cover their asses. Shooting at each other. Just that his name is Hick is also funny. A couple of Hicks. They live on Deer Lane Road Getting drunk on a porch shooting each other What else is there to do?

The amount of years between Charles Eugene Ferris And Christopher Hicks Is 14 years Charles Eugene Ferris is 50 Christopher Hicks is 36 So you were right

You definitely had a 50s and 30s thing going on You just made it too far By the way I love this game If it's involved with two people How many years apart they are And those are two ages that like They're so far apart One of them should be like

We shouldn't do this And one should be like yeah but I am on board with doing this. And weirdly, they're both on board. There's nobody stopping. Like the guy that's younger is like, oh, I'm never going to grow out of this. Because this guy is so much older than me and he still wants to do this. If this railroad track is laid down, how will I ever get on? We'll always be doing this track. If this railroad track is laid down, how will I ever get off? We'll always be doing this stuff.

It would be better if they were both in their 30s. You'd be like, well, you're both idiots and you're 30. At one point, one of you will grow out of it. Now there is no doorstop. It's like playing softball on a field with no fence and your outfielders are terrible. You're like, that ball's going to roll forever. It's going to keep rolling.

You don't have a chance. All right, there you go. First story down in the books. Nate Bar like, that ball's gonna roll forever. It's gonna keep rolling. You don't have a chance. Alright, there you go. First story down in the books. Nate Bargetts, he's with us. We'll talk more about his new Netflix special, which is amazing. Everyone should see it. We'll get into that right after the break. Stay with us. Stick around. Make a sound.

For more Dumb People Town. Hey guys, welcome back to Dumb People Town. We want to remind people we're going to be at Wise Guys Comedy Club at the end of this month. Yeah, you are. Great club. It's a great club in Utah, in Salt Lake City, and then San Francisco at the end of June, and then Livermore, which is kind of near there, and then San Diego. Check our site, supersclars.com. And we're putting tons of clips of our stand-up on

our Instagram. If you're not following our Instagram, get on board. Dan, you've got a bunch of shows, too, coming up. Yeah, go to danielvancurk.com to check out all of my tour dates. I'll be going through the Midwest and the East Coast this summer, and I'll be at Clusterfest doing a live pen pals with Rory Scovel and other shows, stand-up

and stuff as well. That is like the 21st, 22nd, and 23rd of June. So I think it's right before you guys. Yes, you go see Dan that week and then come see us at Cobbs the next weekend. So, Nate, you have your Netflix special as we were back here. Tennessee Kid, right? Tennessee Kid. So great, so funny.

I want people to check it out. And you said the shows are selling in the fall, but people can check it out by going to NateBargatze.com and check that out. Should we jump into another story? Yeah, let's do it. Okay. This was sent in by Austin Robb, at Austin L. Robb.

The only guy named Robb in Austin. And there aren't a lot of people moving to Austin, which is good. It's great. Austin just feels like kind of a dead town. I know. Not a lot of building going on downtown. Well, it's so under the radar.

Yeah. People just don't know about Austin. Not a lot of building going on downtown. Well, it's so under the radar. People just don't know about Austin. Doctors have refused to operate on a Romanian man who has a fork stuck in his throat after swallowing it for a bet. Yeah. He swallowed a fork on a bet, and the doctors were like, live with it. If I'm that guy's dad, I mean, you have a kid, you say, it's your problem.

Yeah. Don't do it. How old is this? A Romanian man? I feel like Romanian men are like little children. Yeah. You got to treat them differently. Well, their bellies are like distended like bowling balls.

Uh-huh. But here's my thing. I'm going to let you guess at the end. Oh, yeah. Good. Okay. Unless the bet is, can I make myself look like an asshole Can I get surgery

Yeah Which he would have lost because the doctors are refusing Unless someone told him before Obviously they'll do surgery and get it out So just do it real fast No doctor's not going to do surgery on this No one's going to refuse this And then that guy looks just like

I would think they have to do it No one's going to refuse to take a fork out of my throat. I'll take that back. They would love it. A doctor would love it. It's different. They want different stuff. And this is different.

Doctors want to be surprised. Right. They're sick of tonsils. You're giving them something else. You think he goes back and tries to go, hey, I've, like, he's like, there's a spoon in my throat. Like, he's just trying, like, different stuff. We have an x-ray. We know what's in there.

We know what's in there. Radu Kalanissu. I tried. Complained. Guys, it's C-A-L-I-N-E-C-E-S-E. We don't like to give the names out to people. They do like a school shooter. We don't want to give. We don't want to glorify it.

He complained to doctors of pain and an uncomfortable feeling when he swallowed, but neglected to mention that he had also swallowed a fork earlier in the day. This is what Nate was saying. I'm getting a little scratch in my throat. They're not going to x-ray it.

They'll get in there and once they're already in, they'll take it. I don't know if you can look. Maybe I'm allergic to condoms. Why don't you cut me open and then pull out whatever's in there and then we can talk about what it was.

We'll figure out what it was. So my, I have an English bulldog now. I used to have, do you have any pets? Do you have a dog? Yeah, we have a dog. You have a dog.

Yeah, you tell a great story about the dog in the show, in the Santa special. But I, my English bulldog, the old one I had, ate and like, Virgil could not,

like he was throwing up the food he was eating And we like Took him to the doctor They're like Well we gotta get down there And pull out whatever Something is blocking it

From going down It's coming back up And they pulled out Like stuff that We didn't That wasn't even ours Like they pulled out Like a toy rooster

With like a pedestal That was like An Oklahoma license Yeah they pulled out like a fabric belt. I'm like, what is he eating? Where is he? Yeah. That's what this guy needs to go to a vet.

That's the problem. If a doctor won't do it, go to a vet. And you mean military. Yeah, go to a veteran doctor. Veteran guy on the street. He complained to doctors but didn't tell them that he had swallowed a fork earlier in the day. It was only when doctors at the, I guess it's Bacow County, carried out an x-ray that they found the metal fork lodged inside his esophagus. So he really got it down.

And metal. I'll be honest with you. As we always joke around, I barely read these stories. That's true because I pictured plastic. Me too. Metal fork. And was it a salad fork or was it a full-size fork? There's a difference.

I mean, well, Jay, in your esophagus, the salad fork goes on the left. I just had to deny it. Here isn't that X-ray. That's a real fork. That's a real fork. I'll try, guys. This photo will also be's a real fork. I'll try, guys. This photo will also be on our Facebook page. I did it, guys.

I did it. You know, he had that sort of... What a dummy. A full fork. A full metal fork. By the way, and if you told... If you were putting a... Oh, go ahead.

Full metal fork, amazing movie. Full metal fork. I mean, what that's... The full metal fork tells you about what wartime and what it can do you know how it can mess with your head it's just uh i was just gonna say this i like if you told me that there are just a number of guys walking around romania with force in their throats i'd be like yeah probably yeah probably right isn't that doesn't that sound right yeah i'm gonna put it to the three of you it's like it's like I don't know I didn't do any research But yeah probably You have to swallow a fork

Yeah What method are you doing it Like are you going handle or prong first No I think you gotta go handle I think you do too right I think this guy knows what he's doing Yeah he obviously went handle too Handle opens it up enough

I would call this guy first Is it obvious handle You think it's handle I made the mistake and went handle If I would have went the other way I wouldn't even be having this conversation If you're putting a fork in your throat It's always prongs first It was only when questioned by doctors

And he was confronted with the x-ray images That the embarrassed man admitted He had wanted to prove to his friends how tough he was oh man this isn't it stick a fork in him he's done yeah it's a weird way to prove it you know there's a lot of ways to prove that go watch go watch endgame and try not to cry stick out of marriage shoot yourself with a bulletproof vest i mean those are tough guys and don't go to the hospital and don't go to the hospital unload it have a clip unloaded in your back and guys. And don't go to the hospital. And don't go to the hospital.

Have a clip unloaded in your bag and don't go to the hospital. And don't go to the hospital. Wrestle a raccoon. You're not tough. Uh-huh. Prove it. Prove it. What do you want me to do? Swallow a fork?

By the way, swallowing a fork is to me like it's the person who didn't think of it. I hope. Only what's in front of him. It's like, what do you want me to do? Prove how tough I am? What do you want me to do? I'll take this phone and just jam it down with him. person who didn't think of it i hope only what's in front of him it's like what do we do but here's what i hope that the guy who dared him had also bet someone he could get someone else to swallow a fork oh of course that's smart the bet that's the real bet he did it it's like the guy sticks it all the way down and you're you're gagging because you're watching him gag as it goes down.

Right. And then he turns to someone else and is like, all right, pay up. Right. Have any of you ever choked really bad? No, unfortunately not. I had once recently at El Compadre here in L.A. where I was doing the sound. I was doing like... So you could get no air in or out. Yeah, I was like a very...

We almost lost you? Are you saying we almost lost you? I was getting some... We almost lost you? Are you saying we almost lost you? I was getting some... What happened? I just... I like pulled the table into me and then I just... I kept pounding on my chest

and it just like... Because I wasn't ever... I was never completely not breathing. I was never completely not breathing, but I had that moment and then I had enough of it to where you... You think this is it?

Yes. Where a little bit of you was like... Did everybody notice? No, no one noticed. Yeah. No one noticed. Because that sound

happens a lot at El Compadre. That like... Oh, guys, it scared me. It scared me. That's how... Dan, that is scary. It's just that easy. We almost lost Dan.

It's that easy. It's amazing how durable the human body can be, but then in a few certain ways, it's so easy to just go. It's so easy. You want to prove how tough you are? Take a selfie at the Grand Canyon and see if you survive.

There you go. I love this joke. I love how so many people are dying at the Grand Canyon. So many people were dying before the Grand Canyon, and the Grand Canyon did a great job of covering it up. They just have tremendous PR. Like, don't look over here that guy down 200 feet but like look at the or just like people are just literally going off the guys i would there's a i think it's called horseshoe something in the grand canyon and there's no railing there's nothing nothing and people were climbing down

nope the ledge to a smaller ledge that is slightly raked and sitting there. And I'm watching them. And I'm like, how are more people not dying? So when I was at Sedona, in Sedona, there's like a hike up to this like giant keyhole thing where you can look over both sides. It's way up. It's way up. I went with my daughter at the time. She was like nine or eight.

She wanted to prove how tough she was. And there's an area up on the right. Yeah. I'm like, swallow that fork, honey. There was an area up on the right where, again, no railing, no nothing. People were like up there getting a picture. And it kind of looks like you're standing out in the middle of nowhere. And she's like, I want to go over there.

And I was like, I don't, we're not going. And then this woman, then this woman behind me, older woman who is not with us. And it was like, it's not that bad over there. I was like,

bitch, what are you talking about? I'm trying to instill fear in my child. Encourage me, my daughter to like go off the cliff. You just undercut my parenting. And the only person to do that is my wife. My wife. Not you.

Oh, my God. And incredibly, doctors who had little tolerance for the foolish prank told the man they did not have time to remove the fork. We don't have time for this. And ordered him to wait and see if it came out the natural way. That is a hardcore Now, this makes me feel like these doctors are not good. Because I understand mouth goes in, shit comes out. But there's

intestine, like a fork's gonna go through all of his fucking intestines. It's gonna rip it apart. Right? To me, the doctors are treating him like if, again, this was your son You'd be like well we're gonna wait and see They have just a poster of just like a straight line

And then You know like you're seeing that The insides of the body Straight down the ass Obviously it's gonna fall It's about to fall Right next to a map that doesn't have New Zealand on it Well the fork is gonna clearly go down this way.

It's just one shoot, man. If he does get it out, does he then, when the guy comes over that made him do it, he's eating with it and he's like, how you doing? I washed it. You pre-set the table for your friend for lunch and be like, oh, that's it. You don't even say.

How's that fork taste? That's what Shaq said to Kobe. How's that fork taste? Or you set the table. That's what Shaq said to Kobe. How's my fork taste? Or you set the table and you put a plate and there's no food. What's for lunch? You're looking at it. You're looking at it. Or he walks in and you go, pay up.

Yeah. Pay up. Because I shit out a fork today. I want that back. Now I am that tough. Because I've shit a fork. If you shit a fork, you are that tough. Because, guys, it's coming prongs out.

You thought going in, that's the right way you are because guys it's coming prongs out but you thought going in that's the right way no you think it's gonna turn no it'll still be handle it should be i don't know what's gonna happen down there whatever handle out you're right i don't care uh where was i i i just i i agree with these doctors i have no sympathy for this none the man said quote i had been drinking and I bet my friend that I could swallow a fork without getting hurt. He was drinking? I feel bad for that. Okay. I bet I could swallow a fork without getting hurt. Quote, I put the fork

in my mouth and managed to swallow it. At first, it didn't hurt, but after some minutes, I experienced intense pain that just got worse, and I was forced to go to the hospital. Yeah. Luckily for Kalasuniku, the fork was not disturbing his airway or threatening any vital organs yet, and at the moment does not need emergency operation. He said, I was discharged and told I should wait to see if the fork will take its natural course and make its way through my body.

It's not going to. I agree. We are not medical doctors. So a fork goes into the stomach. By the way, this guy's going to have trouble every time he tries to fly from now on. From here on out. You can't go through metal. Just put me through the extra screening.

We might as well go right around this. Give me the wand. I'm not going to. This isn't going to work. Fork up in here. But I have to come back in a few days to see if the fork has moved. If it reaches my stomach. I have to come back. I have to come back. I don't want to, but they're making me come back. If it reaches my stomach and looks have to come back. I have to come back. I don't want to, but they're making me come back. If it reaches my

stomach and looks like it could pierce the lining, I will need an operation. Just do it now. Go innovate. I realize now it was a very stupid thing to do. I don't think I'll be taking part in any bets for a while, which I hope a friend of his... By the way,

he leaves the door open that in a long while he would start taking part. You see a spork? But betting isn't the problem. I know a lot of people who bet on a lot of things who have never swallowed a fork. Don't blame the casino. No. Don't blame the casino. Listen to us.

A good craftsman never blames his fork. Right. All right. We'll get out of here very quick on this. How old do you think this Radu Calasico is? Rademias. Yes. You're our guest, Nate.

You can go first, Tigger third. You pick the spot. 27. 27 years old. 65. 65 from Jason. I think this guy is 49. 49 years old.

Yeah. Okay. One of you guys is only two years old. Wow. Okay. Tonys, get your answers in right now, and then we'll get out of here and head to our third story. Radu Kalinasiku, I tried, brother, is 25 years old.

Wow. Mate. Beautiful. It felt like it. It felt like it. That's what he is. Yum, dumb, and full of four. Yeah.

That dude is four. Dan, can you give us a little taste of what we're going to see in the last second? We have violence at a Wawa. Always. All right. Nate Bargetzi is with us. Stay with us. This is Dumb People Town.

Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to DPT, Down People Town. Dan. Nate Bargetzi, great follow on the Instagrams,

by the way, as well. So please follow him there. What's your handle? Nate Bargetzi. Nate Bargetzi. And tons of great stand-up, like his old stand-up. I have a stand-up that could be

one of these stories. Oh, really? An old, like, I tell it quick. Yeah, please do it. It was an old, I did it on Live at Gotham 2008. But my buddy was a cop,

Kenny Clayton, and they went to a house, a guy, I don't know if I'd do it exactly like this stand-up, but a guy dressed up in a full ninja suit and him and his girlfriend,

like, I guess, the mom or the grandmother that they were living with. Well, it's not the mom because she doesn't have custody. It is definitely the grandmother. Stepmom or stepgrandmother. And she had money or something, so they were going to kill her. So the boyfriend dressed up in a full ninja suit and stabbed the grandmother in, like, the head with a ninja sword.

And then, so the cops show up, and the guy's still there in the ninja suit. And so, like, in the joke, I was saying, like, the cops, they go out and talk to him. They're like, look, there's a very ninja-like killing right inside that house. Do you know anything? And you're in a ninja suit. So we're just guessing that you probably had something. Like, and this guy's already not a good ninja. No.

He's a terrible ninja. He's just out and about right in front of the house. Because he's being seen. of the house he's being seen yes because he's already failed they already know in the ninjas didn't even take it off that's like the greatest remember that great onion headline one of the greatest of all time ninja parade goes through town completely unnoticed the guy's wearing tap shoes for christ's sake wait they so they i mean they arrested him the lady lived good she lived She was asleep

Did not wake up Did not wake up Didn't even notice anything Got a fork out of her throat Kind of worked out to be honest I'm a very heavy sleeper And mom will take a sword to the head So you, a ninja

Who's known for carrying around swords Knows nothing to do with that. Look, I know how this looks. It's bad. What you don't understand is I'm as shocked as you are. I want to find the guy as much as you guys do. It could be a woman, by the way. Why are we saying it's a guy?

Why are we being so patriarchal? But imagine how I feel. I'm a ninja. So what does this, this this is I care more than you even do. And the truth of the matter is we got to stop all this ninja profiling. And I would just say in a simple statement, ninja please.

At Sklar Brothers. What? Okay. Any complaints? Here we go. I'm going to read you the headline because it's probably all we need. Man reportedly fighting himself at South Jersey Wawa. Aren't we all, though, internally?

Well, when you go in there to eat, like, a meal. Whatever choice it is. Like, I'm standing near the Cornuts, and I'm like, this is what I'm about to do to myself is wrong but see what i love most about what we do and doing comedy is there are places around the country that one of the reasons i'm happy to be doing shows is because the place i get to go to in that city you want to go to a la la so many times i've been like i'm gonna we're doing helium and i'm gonna hit that fucking i'm gonna go that wall they have good water ice down in that wall water ice so if i Wawa. Water ice. Water ice. So if I was on the road and I walk in and a guy's fighting himself, I'd be like, come on.

This is Wawa. Don't do this here. I need this to be special to me. Don't beat yourself up. Now, we've done a story where a guy got so drunk he fought his reflection in a bar window. Oh, that's great. That's great. How does this guy know all my moves?

Every time. He's right on my uh but then this guy's good he's so good he keeps turning around he's like you're good no you're good reaction time there's so many times we're like i don't know have any of us used any dumb people telling stories in and stand in our stand-up no we mentioned a couple of things but not anything we have yeah yeah but like Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like, well, yeah, we used to do that joke. Was it Mickey Rourke raced somebody during

the Olympics? Oh, yeah. Mickey Rourke tried to race Usain Bolt. He tried to do a 60-yard dash with no shoes. We're like, you know the famed 60-yard dash from no race ever? All the NFL teams. What's your 60? What do you get in the 60?

What's his 60 time? He's got a 6'2", 60. I just saw Doug Benson do a set, and he was talking about this one of the stories we did with him about the guy

licking the doorbell. And I'm like, wonderful. I love this. It's crazy. I want to keep going with that. I want to keep talking.

Yeah, yeah. But a guy fighting himself in a... So a guy fighting himself in a Wawa. Yeah, yeah. What did he do? This was sent in by Jeff Feldman atman at jeff underscore feldman little egg harbour jeff

feldman yeah this guy's like are you kidding me this is jeff feldman this is a jeff feldman this is a classic underscore underscore because they're a real jeff son of a bitch by the way jeff feldman very popular name little Little Egg Harbor Township, New Jersey. Which is the antithesis of, it's like Little Egg Harbor Township, Vermont. Little Egg Harbor Township, Maine. Little Egg Township, New Jersey. Yeah, it just sounds too quaint. To me, it sounds like another.

Like a Billy Joel album. Or like a Lil Wayne knockoff Little Egg Harbor Police in New Jersey Have arrested a man they say was Fighting himself at Wawa It happened on a Tuesday around 9pm Also not when I would have thought Tuesday at 9?

At a Wawa located in Little Egg Harbor That's when the good wife is on Police arrived to find Jason Kramer Reportedly acting egg that's when the good wife is on police arrived to find jason kramer reportedly acting suspicious that's when they get there by the way jason kramer was the other name for like the born identity right jason kramer is like a jason statham character maybe he is having like a crazy and he's trying to beat the robot that's inside of him out of him yeah kramer allegedly told a witness at the wawa that he was under the influence of something, which I just hope, like, you okay, man?

I'm under the influence of something right now. I'm like, okay, I'm just waiting for my sandwich, so you go over there and I'll go over here. Can you be under the influence of something over there? Where was I? Officers who spoke to Kramer sent him on his way after he supposedly made arrangements to get home. So the cops are like, you good? Yeah, I'm leaving. He made arrangements to get home.

He called a lift. But 15 minutes later, police were back at the same Wawa after Kramer was reportedly fighting with himself, punching his face and scratching his eyes. He didn't know that guy was going to show up. He's like, I was trying to leave

and this guy showed up. Gets in the way. I walk right up to the door and I see him there. Oh, you again. How did you find me? Well, you know what starts out with this. Fuck you looking at?

Yes, he's looking at me. Now he's talking about me What And then the doors slide open And he's like well where'd he go Oh you wanna leave There he is Where'd he go Fucking David Copperfield Son of a bitch

This is the If you told me this is the reboot of the Popular 1970s movie Kramer vs. Kramer Jason Kramer vs. Jason Kramer So 15 minutes later He comes back, punches himself and scratches his eyes Witnesses say he also pulled down his pants

Guys No one wants to see it Which is by the way the most embarrassing thing you can do to yourself in a fight Humiliating Why are you punching yourself? Why are you punching yourself? So to be fair, he punched himself. Draymond Green raked his eyes.

That did happen to someone else, but he did punch himself. Kramer was arrested and charged with lewdness. He was released pending a court appearance. Real quick, we'll play a quick round of Guess AG, and we will leave you off for the day. How old do you think Jason Kramer is at 9 o'clock on a Tuesday making arrangements to get home, which means he probably

doesn't have a car. Cops driving away from that scene going, well, that's taken care of. He was able to talk himself out of a cop deal the first time and then came back. Doesn't work because that's how you get this crazy at 9. Or he's not been asleep

for a long time. How old? I'd say 31. 31 from Nate. Jay. 37. 37. 31.

Been married. Now out of the marriage. Yeah. Out of the marriage. I say 23. Well, he just needs to sign the papers. They're waiting on him. They're so close.

I say 23 and also been married once. One of you is exactly right. Oh, yes. Okay. So now we get to play the game. One of you is exactly right. Oh, yes! So now we get to play the game. You said 23, 31. I said 37. No, I was right before. I just want the world to know.

Nate, who do you think is right? I kind of like this 37. You said 37. I like me, 23. I like Randy, 23. I like 23 and me. I like 23. I think 23.

All right. Townies, this is where we're about to leave you. Get your answers in now. Scream them out wherever you are. Play along with us because... And before you give the answer, go see Nate's special on Netflix. Do it, too. And rate it and review it and all those great things and follow him on Instagram so you

can know where he's going and he'll be near you. Go see him. It's a phenomenal show. All right. Agreed. The guy who punched himself and pulled his pants down at a Wawa. Scratched his eyes. He's going to fight a Wawa Tuesday at 9 o'ed. The guy who punched himself and pulled his pants down at a Wawa. Scratches out.

He's got to fight a Wawa Tuesday at 9 o'clock. How old is he? He is. Jason Kramer is 37 years old. Oh, shit! And you guys are right. He's got a little piece. He's got a little piece.

I didn't believe in myself. It's like when you catch the yo on Crash. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm in the game. I'm in the game. I can still bet. There you go. That's our show. Nate Barget on Crash. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm in the game. I'm in the game. I can still bet. There you go. That's our show.

Dave Bargetzi, thanks for joining us, dude. Always a pleasure just hanging with you. I love it so much. We love you. And we'll be back next week. And oh, shit, we've got to get back to work. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum.

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