Dumb People Town - Neal Brennan - I Am My Own Baby

Episode Date: January 30, 2018

This week, comedian Neal Brennan (Female Brain, 3 Mics, Chappelle’s Show) joins the Sklars and Daniel Van Kirk in Dumb People Town! In Story #1, a man punches an ATM that gives him too much money.��In Story #2, a man calls 911 to complain about the size of his meal. Then, Story #3 features a man who feels like he’s been robbed. Finally, Al Gore leaves a voicemail about the recent wild fires!

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast jam With co-hosts Arv and Dan And Dirk, don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits the funny hits We are gonna take you down Stick around, make a sound Punk or down, it's Dumb People Town Hey townies, welcome to another episode of

Dumb People Town Population you? Population Brennan. Neil Brennan. I tried to get in on it. You did! You were in on it. Anytime people start shouting things in an infomercial sort of way, Neil Brennan

will be there to lend his voice. That truly is one of my favorite things. I don't say that lightly. I literally do it all the time in my house. Turn that salad stop this bit i constantly stop this i yell it at x i used to yell my ex all the time stop the insanity i would yell stop this bit because you're at stop this bit of us nobody us breaking up. Nobody cares! And most famously, I know black people. That's my thing.

That was a sketch. And that's illegally, I made the crew of Chappelle's show all say it in unison. Ironically, the same thing they shouted at the Miracle Mob one as well. That was a little uncomfortable. A little uncomfortable. It was inappropriate.

Did the Slap Shop guy, he hit somebody, right? That's the ShamWow guy. ShamWow guy. ShamWow guy. I think the ShamWow guy died. He did not die. No, that's the OxyClean guy. Okay.

Go on. I'm the OxyClean guy. It all smells like oranges. Why? Why does it all need to smell like oranges? It doesn't. I don't know if I have the right facts. There are other smells.

The ShamWow guy backhanded a hooker. Am I right? Yes. Is that what happened? Yes, that's what happened. In Florida. Oh, yeah. He's the guy who looks like the Travago guy after a bender, which is hard to do.

Yes. Looks like the Travago guy after he stayed at one of the worst Travago hotels. The Travago guy is too chill for me. His center, his chi bothers me. His voice bothers me. Hi, I the worst Travago hotels. The Travago guy is too chill for me. His center, his chi bothers me. His voice bothers me. Hi, I'm the Travago guy. Chi. Is that pronounced chi?

No, it's something different. No, sorry. It's the shy. It's about a guy who's afraid to speak up. Got it. Well, on this show, we posit that the world is getting dumber. Or, I think the world is willfully and gleefully getting dumber. Or dumb

is fighting smart and dumb is winning. A lot. At a certain point, and it's not going to be long, I'm just going to go, I don't read books. Anymore. And I'm a guy who used to read books. I'm an intelligent person.

At a certain point, I'm just going to go, I'm no longer even going to buy them. I can an intelligent person. At a certain point, I'm just going to go, I'm no longer even going to buy them. Don't succumb. Don't do that. It's like avocados that I just like, no, I need them for the weekend. And then I just say, I'm... Here I am throwing away another five avocados.

The only time you'll read a book is for a Super Bowl party. Same thing. Make a bowl of books. Well, it's getting dumber and we have proof our dumb ears on the ground our wonderful townies send us stories

and then Dan breaks them down Dan knows the story a little bit but Neil doesn't know it Randy doesn't know it I don't know it and we try and understand what motivates these people

to do the dumb things they do and I'm so happy we have Neil Brennan here we'll talk about all this great stuff he's got going on so much Dan give it to us okay here we go oh wait sent in by John McRae Happy we have Neil Brennan here. We'll talk about all this great stuff he's got going on. So much.

Dan, give it to us. Okay, here we go. Oh, wait. Sent in by John McCray. At John McCray II. Wow. M-C-R-A-D. The Deuce, you mean? Yeah, well, he has two capital I's after, so I think that means he's the second.

He's number two. John McCray. I know if you're the third, it's your trip or tray. We covered that. Tooey is you can be called tooey. You're making that up. I've heard of people named Tooey.

You are wrong. How about the sequel? No one gets the sequel? How about the squeakquel? The squeakquel? Stuart Little. No, it was the chipmunks. And I literally would How about the squeak-wolt? The squeak-wolt! Stuart Little. That's a very cute kid. No, it was the chipmunks. And I literally would say squeak-wolt every time I saw it on a billboard.

That was great. It was a great time. They got you. It was a great time. They done got you good. It was just post 9-11. It was a great time. A man who told police he punched an atm because it gave him too much cash was arrested no yes this is dumb people town so have you ever been to an atm and

there's been a mix-up and more money has come your way no but this is i'm this is how like dumb the human mind is mm-hmm I at this how long ago this was I'm gonna qualify this story and there's gonna be no story I believe it was chemical bank these you guys remember chemical bank chemical brothers the chemical brothers the early 90s became Chase. It was before they changed it. Chemical Bank became Chase. Yes. I went to the Chemical Bank on 9th and Broadway, which you guys would know. Sure, sure, sure. And I deposited, at this point, I believe I deposited $20.

Again, deposited. This is how well things were going. And this was an event that probably meant you needed to ride a subway to get there. No, I lived on Astro, so it was nearby. So you walked over there. But long story short, there was no record. I was shorted $20

and I used my receipt to prove it. And to this day, I saved the receipt. And that happened in 1992. Never been an incident since. Did they give you back the money? Yeah, they did.

Good on them. And look what happened to Chemical Bank. That time in your life, $20 was super important. Yes, you did not want to be shorted $20. Oh, man. I waited in line. It was a thing. But those are the not want to be shorted $20. Oh, man. Like, I waited in line. Like, it was a thing. But those are the times where, like,

ATMs were in vestibules, and, like, there was, like, a homeless guy in our vestibule. Yeah, absolutely. And you're like, all right, what do we do here? Yeah. It's really...

Yeah. I'm fine with you being here because it's cold outside and it's New York. And you can't plead poverty. No. That's the other thing. You can't be like, I'm going to take money out.

You got it. They got you in that moment. Yeah. They got you, can't be like, I'm going to take money out. You got it. They got you in that moment. Yeah. They got you. And you're like, you're making me uncomfortable, but I totally understand your situation. That's a moment where you want the ATM to give you more money so you can just slide a little bit. Do you remember that scene from L.A. Story where Steve Martin and the girl are on the date, and he goes to the ATM to get cash out, and they take two steps away from the attorney.

He's like, hi, my name's Phil. I'll be your mugger for the evening. He's like, hi, Phil. Nice to meet you. And he holds up his hands. get cash out. They take two steps away from the attorney. He's like, hi, my name's Phil. I'll be your mugger for the evening. He's like, hi, Phil. Nice to meet you. And he holds up his hands and I know. And they walk away. Is that Sarah Jessica? Was he with Sarah Jessica Parker on that?

Believable. Maybe yes. It's Believable. A man told police he punched an ATM because it gave him too much cash. Did he fuck it up? Did he mess up the ATM? Yeah, he did. He did.

I'm going to have you guys guess. He was arrested after a bank official says the attacked caused, well, we'll guess later, $5,000 in damages to an ATM. If I used to represent Kimbo Slice, I'm now getting this guy to fight people in boat yards and try and take their eyeballs out.

Or an ATM vestibule. I think you have him fight ATMs. All over the world. You don't want to call it backyard wrestling. Vestibule wrestling. And he goes in and you see who can one punch,

how much damage can you do to the thing and if you go over 5,000 people start popping up and yelling Worldstar. I'm going to show you guys his picture. Worldstar! No one yells it like that. Worldstar! I wanted to get everyone to do it.

Get every syllable, every letter Worldstar! Worldstar! Coco Police charged Michael Joseph Olksik. Olksik. Did he get spousal abuse because he's married to this motherfucking money? Yeah.

Of Merritt Island on Friday with criminal mischief nearly a month into the investigation of a disturbance at a Wells Fargo bank branch add this to the DPT walking tour on 834 North Coco Boulevard in Coco. Yeah. Cocoa, Florida. That's a pretty small, pretty slow town.

Yeah. Cocoa, Florida. Guys, what about this ATM assault? What are we doing about the ATMs? Guys, who's going to... I, for one, care about the ATMs of this town. It's gone cold, damn it! Who's representing the ATM in court?

Right. Well, that's what I was going to ask in your fight. How would you know who won? When is the fight over when the ATM doesn't work anymore? Well, here's the good news. You know how much it costs. It's a $2 in court? Right. Well, that's what I was going to ask in your fight. How would you know who won? When is the fight over when the ATM doesn't work anymore? Well, here's the good news. You know how much it costs. It's a $2 fee. Yeah, exactly.

And you have to agree to it. You have to agree to it. Mike, I usually represent Chemical Bank. And because I'm now representing, I got to do the fee. I was at an ATM in Vegas, $9.99. What? For the fee? Yeah.

Because it wasn't your bank. Well, there are no bank in the casinos. Oh, in a casino. I walked three blocks to a Walgreens and was charged- Yeah, I think it was like $4.99 or something. That reminds me of somebody's joke. I want to say Tom Papa, where you'll spend ungodly amounts of money at a blackjack table, $500 a hand, then you get to your room and the movie's $13.

You're like, what in the hell? Why? Are they raping me like this? Over my dead body. I'm no sucker. I'm not going to let the house beat me on this movie. Olex set can be seen on surveillance video standing at the ATM pummeling the electronic teller's touch screen on November

29th. A short time later, an apologetic... I don't understand. Too much money. That's the thing, too. I can understand if you were like Neil Brennan, shorted $20, and you then kind of, it all comes out. Everything that you... The divorce.

The divorce. My job. All of the things. It's not about the ATM. It's about all the other problems. It all comes through your fist. Yeah, job firing. But too much. Maybe he thought you're taking too much out. Like, I can't allow you to take this much out of my account.

No, they were giving it to him. I agree, but maybe he thought it was coming out of his account. Maybe he thought that's going to overdraw my account. They're going to charge me for all that money. Oh, that's giving it to him. I agree, but maybe he thought it was coming out of his account. Maybe he thought that's going to overdraw my account. They're going to charge me for all that money. Oh, that's fair, I suppose. Maybe it was this guy does everything wrong. He does everything backwards. Everything backwards.

It's not that you can't read social cues. He just reads them all. He reads. People go, hello, and he goes, goodbye, all day. He's a social Yoda. Too much money. I'm going to beat why I never. A short time later, an apologetic Olaksek called the bank and told the manager that he punched the ATM because he was angry the ATM was giving him too much money and he did not know what to do.

That's a man who answers problems with violence. You're an idiot. Also doesn't know what to do in many situations. You know what I do? I shut the fuck up when I keep going to the ATM. And you watch. Forever. Forever.

That's something you keep on yourself. Hey, I thought the restaurant was on the other side of town. It is. We're just going to stop here first. I'm going to make a stop real quick. You need money? I'm going to go to my cash guy. No, I don't need it.

Are you sure you don't need any money? Are you good on money? Don't trust me. No, I'm not good on money. I just don't want your money. I got an ATM over on Coco Boulevard that you're going to... You're going to love it.

You're going to take a 20 and see what happens. Just go ahead. Try it. I'll wait in the car. I don't like ATMs. What did I tell you? Five minutes later. Told you.

Told you. I should say I don't like ATMs. They'll never catch us with their computers and their cameras. I mean, it's like this ATM and this bank is like the comics comedy club of banks. Remember comics in New York? They were giving too much money that you're like, you'll be closed in a year. Yes, and sure enough, it's a year and a half. And they were, and I'm like, I loved you.

We're going to do things a little differently. I know. Like the food came to the back, and I'm like, I loved you. We're going to do things a little differently. Like the food came to the back and I'm like, oh, this is too good. This food is too good. What are you doing? Don't drizzle anything. No. It should just be fingers. This actually looks like food you would get at a restaurant.

You guys are fucking this up. Oh, wait. We're staying at the Hotel Gansevoort. What is going on right now? I got in my room. It was beautiful. It wasn't just like a box. And I was like, son of a bitch!

The headline is you only have to do 25 minutes. Whoa! Yeah. You don't have to close strong. No! You don't have to close strong. That was not a problem for us. We do things a little differently.

Wait, you don't have to close strong? That's why we got booked so much. $10 open bar. No! What could possibly go wrong? What could go wrong here? We think this is a business model whose time has come. Olixic also said that he was in a hurry for work and apologized for the damage to the bank ATM.

So he then took all of that again. I'm in a hurry. Let me beat up this ATM real quick. Also, I don't want your extra cash. I want to make sure I get to work on time. Nothing will get you to work on time like beating up a robot. That's right. By the way, that is coming.

Oh, of course. Robot fighting? People fighting robots thinking that they know. I've said this before. I said it on Joe Rogan's podcast, Rest in Peace. We don't want to make you rest. We just want to have a good night's sleep. Yeah, that's fine.

I get it. I've said this on Joe Rogan's podcast. Do you guys know what Luddites are? Yeah, people who want to go back to an earlier time. The term is based on during the Industrial Revolution when most things became automated, Luddites were people who would break into factories and fuck up the machines.

Destroy the machines. Right, but the term came to represent people who would break into factories and fuck up the machines. Destroy the machines. Right, but the term came to represent people who wanted it. Now it represents, yeah. You're not wrong. The original Luddites. The original Luddites were people who hated technology because it was taking money out of their pocket. Technological terrorism. Put them out of jobs, and that's going to happen en masse with robot trucks.

Three million truck drivers are going to be out of a job in 10 years. Three million truck drivers are not only going to be out of a job. Hear this story that you can beat up a robot. Here we go. Guys, this guy's the man. It is on. It's on. No, no.

Not only are they going to be out of a job, they're going to not be able to stop at truck shops dressed as women and give hand jobs. That's correct. That's part of what they... Although it does open the door to do a reboot of Over the Top where Sylvester Stallone actually just arm wrestles a truck. He's not arm wrestling a robot. A robot truck.

Or for the truck. Look, who am I to stand in the way of your screenwriting dreams, guys? But listen to this. Tell me this. I'm just minting money. If you were at... Like I'm an ATM on Cocoa. If you're running to your car,

let's say you're running to your car and a robot is about to write you a ticket. Robot about to write you a ticket for parking like five minutes late. You kick the shit out of it. You're not going to kick that thing? They're going to pour shit on it. They're going to sneak up behind it. They'll do things like the robot can't-

You can't see behind you. Who's the robot now, robot? Who's the robot? I robot? Who's the robot? I never called you a robot. Who's the robot now? Who's being rational now? Yeah. Yes.

Wells Fargo contacted the Cocoa Police Department because Olex called them and said, I'm sorry about what I did. I heard Olex killed his Grammy because she gave him $100 at Christmas. He's not taking that shit anymore. You know I have to. Because he expects it at $5.

I was told it would be $50. You old bitch. You know I have to go to the swing shift. Say goodbye. Get your affairs in order, Grant. Say goodbye to your little friend. Like everything is reversed. He destroyed her keypad.

And then he called his family. I'm sorry I beat up Grandma. Sorry I beat her up. She was giving me money. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to do, and I had to go to work. I had to go to work. Wells Fargo contacted the Cocoa Police Department and asked to press charges.

It's okay, honey. It's not okay. I'm on my way over to fight you for complimenting me. For saying it's okay. I'm going to be late. And the boss was like, are you late again? Who did you meet on this time? I punched a traffic light because it was green.

It was green for too long. It was green for too long. I was getting too many of them. Yeah, I was hitting every light. He was arrested and booked into the Brevard County Jail Complex in Sharps, Florida. I'm going to show you guys a picture of him because we're going to play a round of Guess the Age. Now, this means the picture is not going to help you.

Guess the Age, a guy who's got a job and he wants money from the ATM and he punches it. We have an idea. In my brain, I have an idea of how old he is. Now we're going to see a picture, Neal. And this will... Can I guess before? Yeah, of course you can. Do you want to guess without seeing? Will the home viewers see it?

Yeah, if they join our Facebook page, they can see the picture. Oh boy, here we go. It's easy. It's not over. But they're playing without seeing. They're playing. We're just going to, every once in a while, we'll hit you up. Hit anybody up.

Do you want to guess before or no? Do you want to guess pre-photo? Pre-Fontaine? I'm going to go 36. Okay. I'm going to look at the photo. I got to see the photo. Okay.

I'm going to tell you two things about this. Based on his photo, you will not be able to tell if he is late, like 19, or a really good 40. Also, he looks like Chris Evans. So much like Chris Evans. All right, ready? Chris Evans running back from Michigan? No. Oh.

Oh, wow. He looks like he just- I stand by. I stand by. 36? Yeah. He looks like he's just got out of a relationship with Reese Witherspoon. Look at Chris Evans.

Get the fuck out of here. You're telling me he doesn't look like Chris Evans? Wow. Doesn't he look- You know what he's got? This guy looks like Captain America, and he's fighting ATMs. You know what he's got? This guy looks like Captain America and he's fighting ATMs. You know what he's got? He's got that swoop in the hair.

Is he fighting capitalism itself, this guy? Maybe. Is there a bigger play? Look at this guy. He's going to go after all the robots. Maybe he's the leading man going after all the robots. Okay, so you said 36. Yeah.

All right. By the way... I stand by it. I think I'm within a year If you're punching an ATM you have the aggression of I'm not getting laid enough It's gotta come out somewhere Something's wrong

The problem with him is if you fuck him too much He will beat you up More than he wants Do not give it up Jason and Randy I think he is 31 years old. 31 years old from Randy Sklar. Jason Sklar.

This is all in Florida years, right? Florida years. He's got a chance like Canadian money. I think he's 42. 42 years old. Okay. So. Oh, you know what?

I think you're wrong. I'm wrong about that because there would be a little gray in his beard. You think? Yeah. I'm going to say, yeah, 42. I'll stop. Okay. Jason says 42.'m going to say, yeah, 42. I'll stop. Okay. Jason says 42.

Baby face. 36, 31, 42. Okay. And you can go over it. It's just whoever's closest. Okay. Michael Olick. Michael Joseph Olick.

MJ, if you're nasty, is 23 years old. Oh, wow. 40 years. All that ATM punch, it'll age you. How is he doing this? All that ATM. He needs to punch his doctor. So I won.

That is a 23-year-old kid. He needs to punch his jeans. Yes. Yes, he's punched them too much. Or he wouldn't. Look at that. The ATM giveth, and the Lord taketh away. Taketh his youth away.

All right, there you go. Story number one. We're off and running with Neil Brennan. Are you happy that we've got him? Off and running with Neil Brennan. Guys, hi. The guy who the whole host just continually does. All right, well, let's take a break.

And then when we come back, we'll talk to Neil Brennan and we'll do a couple more stories. How about that? Does that sound good for everybody in here? All well, let's take a break. And then when we come back, we'll talk to Neil Brennan, and we'll do a couple more stories. Yeah. How about that? Does that sound good for everybody in here? Sounds good to me. All right, let's take a break. Hey, guys. Welcome back to the show. We got Neil Brennan with us.

If you haven't seen his Three Mics special on Netflix, you're depriving yourself of great comedy. Or see him at the end of one of Chappelle's latest. It's you and Chappelle and Stevie Wonder in those little photo montages. That was such a great picture. That is a good picture. You're three mics, man. That is so good.

What a beautiful concept. What a great way to sort of elevate and sort of, you know what it reminded me of? When a really great restaurant does like, does like a, does a deconstructed da-da-da. So it's basically you take the parts out. Like your standup, that special

was like lamb three ways. Like three different I don't know. I don't have any idea what you're talking about. No, no, no. When a really great chef is like, on this dish, I'm gonna give you straight up lamb that you would get when you went to a restaurant. Here's gonna get some weird

futuristic thing, this, and then you're gonna get a totally stripped down pate of it. Here's going to get some weird futuristic thing, this, and then you're going to get a totally stripped down like pate of it. And that's what it was and I thought, brilliant and I loved it. I mean, not only,

it was such a great depositing of all these great jokes and pieces that you had. I'm sure you had all these like strands and things around and you're like,

how do I fit this into a... Most of the one liners were just tweets. Yeah, right. That I was like, well, I'm not going to, why throw them away? Right, how do I fit this into a... Most of the one-liners were just tweets. Yeah, right. That I was like, well, I'm not going to... Why throw them away? Right.

How can I fit this into a stand-up set and you came up with the perfect construction, which again, I think, also speaks to your ability to think larger than, you know, just, hey, I'm just going to present this stand-up in this way. So, fucking love it.

We'll see on the next one. This one is called Six Mikes. I mean, I don't know what, if I'm like, I want to say like, sorry, nothing sad, gang. Like,

I'm all out of sad shit. Chappelle actually suggested doing a show called Mean Things My Dad Said to My Brother Danny. Just a bunch of things. And then my dad, I'm all out of shit

he said to me. But one time time Danny came in and Danny Danny doesn't have the voice to no no he doesn't have the platform

it's gotta come through me gotta come through the guy gotta come through the man was amazing and truthfully the last few times that we've hung out with you when we've done

stand up together I love the new you guys are all very you're both very positive guys. Yeah, but you know, it's, I don't mean that like,

I don't believe it. I do believe it. That's what's so surprising about it. Well, I think for us, we love watching people work. Oh no, we're negative about a lot of shit.

We're negative about ourselves. Right. That's in the car though. That's very true. No, no, we can get super nagged, but when we see someone we like doing cool work,

then we are inspired to pitch ideas on it, and also we just enjoy it. And we are not afraid. We are definitely not afraid to tell someone when we like it. Yeah, I'm the same way, or I try to be the same way. Yeah, you are. If I like something, I go like, hey, I like that joke. Yep, so do we.

And people are grateful for it for the most part because not a lot of people do it. Totally not a lot of people do we. And people are grateful for it for the most part because not a lot of people do it. Totally not a lot of people do it. And if someone gives you a tag, that is the best. I will literally never forget. I also want to have a thing at my funeral where people line up and say tags I gave them. And I want to goddamn line up whatever, wherever I get buried.

It's got to be said. I mean, we gave Sarah Silverman a tag about, I don't know, 10 years ago. It was one of our proudest stand-up moments. And she used it, and it was funny. Well, it was nice for us, and then she used it, which was a compliment back to us, saying, like, I loved it.

And I mean, we've given and received. Yeah. Phenomenal. Absolutely. Truthfully, again, it reminds you that, hey, we're in a community here and there's something about that that's enjoyable i feel like as the comedy store has sort of resurfaced back into prominence after it had been kind of out in the wilderness for a while yeah

you feel the community that is there and so you come on a tuesday night or thursday night when we're all performing and i'm like oh this is fucking great these are all my friends i'm gonna actually go in the room and watch these people do their thing. Absolutely. I'm never more arrogant than when someone goes like, hey, thanks for that tag. And I'm like, what did I give you? Which one am I? I don't even remember. I throw out

so many of these things. I don't even remember. I can testify to that to people for all of you guys. You guys give me, the scholars give me so many tags and really like will say like, oh, blow that out more or like do more of that. And even Neil, the scholars give me so many tags and really like will say like oh blow that out more like do more of that and even Neil the first time

you and I ever met was at Douglas Movies when I did Wahlberg and even right after that show you were like hey man that was genuinely funny shit so you guys are,

you are those people that you're claiming to be. Yeah whatever I mean it's fine to do that. You want to hear a cool tag story? Yes I do. Yeah for sure.

I gave for Rock has a special coming out for sure. I gave, for Rock has a special coming out on Netflix, I gave him a tag the day of the taping that he used. Of course. Which is like, that's a credit to him. Yeah, because he's ballsy enough to try that. No, I'll fucking try it. And a fucking taping. And a taping of my thing.

Fuck it. That's awesome. And I'll give a comment to our buddy Nate Fridson who we take on the road with us sometimes. He is our feature and I'll give a comment to our buddy Nate Fridson who we take on the road with us sometimes he is our feature and we will give him tags between shows on a Saturday night sold out show yes the feature spot

isn't you know at like the headliner spot but it's still a sold out room it's way easier and he like it's a better spot it is a way better spot

this is an entire story to let you know that we sell out shows on Saturday night but no but what it is I always give him credit very and I always give him credit. Very rarely.

I always give him credit because he always tries. Yeah, he tries it. That fearlessness. Well, because he has to. He's petrified of you. And we like to keep it that way. You guys want to do a second story? Let's do another story.

Okay, here we go. Stuart, Florida. By the way, guys, I write my own act. You do? That's pretty amazing, right? Yeah, I still write my own act. Good for you. At pretty amazing, right? Yeah, I still write my own act. Good for you. At this point, I would think you'd be past that, but that's great.

I got 10 minutes on Jacksonville. I hope nobody gets to it. Cat Williams did 10 minutes on Jacksonville on his new Netflix special. What? I love it. Literally 10 minutes on Jacksonville. Go ahead. That's what we do when we go around.

All right, go. Stuart Florida. A Florida man complaining- I thought that was the guy's name. Stuart Florida. It does seem- Stuart Florida, to me, would be the guy doing the most fucked up shit. He's the amalgam of all those.

That's actually most- In my head, that's what most people in Florida are named. Stuart Florida. Until they tell me differently. Stuart Florida. And even then, I'm like, who? Stu Florida over here? Go ahead.

Stu Florida sounds like a guy who owns a furniture store in Dallas. Yeah. This is Stu Florida. Stu Florida, come down to our showroom in Deep Ellum. Stuart, Florida. A man complaining about his dinner to police has landed in trouble.

So if you're complaining about your dinner to cops, that means a lot of people weren't listening to you before that. That's right. You complained to a lot of people and no one gave you. Including your wife. This is what happens when you give people too much power through Yelp. Yep.

Yep. This is a function of Yelp. It's like your joke. You hit send on Yelp and then you're like, not enough. Hello, 911? It's like your joke. The Beethoven joke. The Beethoven joke.

In the special. Wait, which, guys, I got so many of these jokes. I'm like an ATM on Coco Avenue. 10,000 thumbs down. Oh, yeah, yeah. 10,000 thumbs down on YouTube for a Beethoven song, and someone's like, I know music, I'm from Tampa. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That is correct. Ridiculous. I've been on Florida's Astro. I swear. So there it is. Still in Florida. The 51-year-old man was charged with misusing the emergency 911 line after he called dispatchers twice to complain about the size of the meal

that was served to him. The size. At Krabby's. Not even the content. Seafood shack. The portions. So he liked it. He just wanted more of it.

And if this guy isn't Jewish, I don't know who is. Go on, guys. And if I'm not an anti-Semite, then. I don't know who is. What's the old Jewish joke? What do I got to do I'm not an anti-Semite, then... I don't know who it is. What's the old Jewish joke? What do I got to do to be called an anti-Semite? The food was terrible in such small portions. Exactly.

He's an 80-year-old Jewish man. He's too Florida. He's getting food, and you know that he's sitting with someone, a wife or a boyfriend or a girlfriend or a husband, whoever he's with, and he's sitting with them, and he is telling them, I'm going to call the cops. Do not call the cops. This is his filibuster move. This is his nuclear option.

Who started a bit and had to go through it. I hope so. Fuck it. I'm calling the cops. I'm going to see the manager. Fuck that. I'm yes-anding that and I'm calling the cops. I know you're making a joke here, but in his marriage, if he doesn't follow through, what then?

Yes. You know what I mean? Like, this is about, okay, you don't believe me? Yes. This is about, oh, okay, I'm going to take all your shit in the garage and light it on fire. Oh, you're saying, yes. I'm saying in front of his wife. I feel like the wife, maybe I'd like if he was complaining about his wife's dish.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, what the hell is that? Yes. Like that he had to prove, like, you don't care about me at all. Baby, I'm going to call the cops. Yeah. All right, let's turn this up, Brennan.

Because is this the 911 call? So this is his call. Okay, ready? Okay, great. Are you guys ready for this? This is the call of him. Whatever this is, I don't deserve this. This is the audio of him calling into 911.

Too small. What? Jim. officer because I was speaking to a dispatcher and I was telling him I buy crabby seafood and I ordered something that was extremely so small. I need to call back on the non-emergency line. Who do you call?

That's where she just goes ghostbusters. Don't no girl have no 800 number. That's for the non-emergency number. That's for the non-emergency number for you to make your report. Yes. What the? Meanwhile, this someone's like hanging out of a house that's on fire right now. Sir, you need to call that number. This is 911 for emergencies. you need to call that number. This is 911 for emergencies. Hang up and call that number.

Look at how much he's tying up this line. Okay, 7721. Shut up. She told you, dumbass. Shut up. Where's the ATM guy to punch him? Okay, write this down for me, honey. This number you're giving me, write it down.

Can you call them for me? Can you pitch me through? Will you call me tomorrow and remind me to call that other number? Brandon, keep that up because minutes later. This is a tag that I tried to give Sebastian that he didn't use. Why didn't he use it? It's about before Yelp and any of these things, back in the 80s, if you got bad service, you just took it.

You could go to a restaurant, and if you got diarrhea for the rest of your life, whenever you drove past it, you go, that's the diarrhea Mexican. That's right. Then that was our Yelp. That was our Yelp. You would tell it to people around you. In your car with you. They had to be in your car or on your bike, on your tricycle.

That's right. On your tandem bike. Or unicycle. It had to be an earshot. Yes. Within earshot, Yelp was just, I got diarrhea. Fuck that place. I got diarrhea.

We didn't have Yelp. We didn't have Google. We didn't have TripAdvisor. We didn't have, God knows. We had 911. We didn't know it. We didn't use it. We certainly didn't use it.

So our lives were spent not knowing how long it was going to take to get to a place and needing someone to tell you Even if we knew, who would we tell? Nobody. Yeah. How would we let someone know that? Also our lives back then were like

I'll meet you here and then that was it. And then how do I know when you're there? But just... What did we do? We're cell phones. I said we you here. And then that was it. And then how do I know when you're there? But just what do we do? We're cell phones. I said, we made plans. If I told you I'll be there on Tuesday at two o'clock, you were there. If I didn't call you the morning before you left your house or the night before, guess where I'll be tomorrow. I'll say this.

That was one of Barry Sobel's best bits. I flaked. I just flaked. I don't know. I don't know what happened. I just flaked. And that is about California being ahead of the curve. Being ahead of the curve in terms of flaking.

Because he did that bit in the early 90s. So early on. So I think about that bit once a month. I think about that all. And he's like, you make plans with like 11 people and two show up and they're there randomly. They're there not because of your plans. Because you would do that. You would just let a whole bunch of people know, this is where I'm

going to be. And we would all have these swaths of time in our lives where we didn't know if a person had flaked on us or died. If Jason and I had plans and Jason didn't show it, maybe I'd talk to you, Randy, later. I'd be like, have you heard from Jason?

Also, people didn't flake. They showed up here. New York, D.C. People didn't flake. You had to hold people accountable to it. Philly, Chicago. You were there and you got there

and you got a 15-minute window and if not, then people would truly think that you were in the hospital. So this is a... You were in the hospital a lot of the time. That's another problem

with that. We didn't have the safety that we have now. No airbags. We didn't have fucking airbags. We didn't have the safety we didn't have the safety serious injuries yeah exactly no airbags we didn't have fucking airbags we didn't have helmets you've seen the bits

are you gonna play the second call from this dipshit yes of course I have you can almost hear in his call the person he's with just shaking their head

just like stop it do not hang up the phone no you hang on and let me finish this call that other person is permanently I don't hear it at all

I honestly don't hear that person at all. I think this guy is a thousand percent on his own. Fire medical. I'm for police. Okay, sir.

You need to call back. I like that she's right on it. Like, no. I tried that, but I couldn't get through. The line is working fine. Two,

eight, seven, one, one, two, Go fuck yourself. Yeah, exactly. Okay.

Bye. Oh, my God. She cut him off. I just want to say this is a good idea for a podcast and a good podcast. Go ahead. Thank you. Shut him down. He's like, I have a few tags for this podcast.

I'm like, we'll use them, man. We'll use them. But that's the moment where everyone in his life has a gut check and they're like, do I hang around anymore for this or am I out? To me, I feel like we should go one step further and all of his friends should be able to yelp him. Shouldn't you be able to yelp your friends? Yeah.

We're going to have that eventually. Friend yelp to me. I think in Asia, somewhere in China, there's already a rating system for each person. You can see what their rating is based on. Can I rate a random Chinese guy? I would basically... You know I would

fight every rating. You would actually go back... I'd be like, fuck you. Three and a half stars? I've seen what you've done. I've seen what you wrote. My stories are good. Or I was going to say, you're fighting the ratings of random Chinese people? No, no. His own ratings.

Three and a half stars for Xing Li? Are you kidding me? This guy's a national treasure. I can tell a story offstage. Other people. I also know how to share the table. Your name droppy. Name droppy.

Randy, you said like- I've actually met those people. Everyone in the restaurant already knew about this issue before he called. So imagine the server, he's like, this is just a little small. Sir, sir, sir, you already ate it. Because that was the only- He had already eaten his food. That's also what happens when poor people go to rich

restaurants. When you go to rich restaurants, here's the truth, guys. If you go up a level money-wise, at the next level of food, the portions are not that big. Because they know that you're probably old because you're rich

and you can't... You don't got the metabolism to do a barrel of food. That's why I just stick to the Cheesecake Factory. Those portions are staying. Big baby. Big baby. Claim jumper. The tcpalm.com reported Nelson Agosto, that's his name, was arrested Monday. Police told the newspaper

he complained the clams he was eating were so small he didn't want to pay for them. In an animal call, release police, he said, I ordered something and it was extremely so small he was't want to pay for them and then i won't call release police he said i ordered something and it was extremely so small he was arrested and expected in court i love that he's arrested oh if i had a friend who did that i'd be like what's he arrested for for fake for misuse of the 9-1-1 they would have let it go on the first one you do a second call just like call this like calling an nba file for flopping it's calling it's it's a flopping

yelling fire in a crowded theater yeah to me it is it is a flopping foul on an NBA court. Yeah. I love it. That's story number two, boys. I love it. Great story. We've never had one. And he got arrested and what, fined?

He's going to be fined. I'm sure it'll be a citation or something like that. Because that evidence that he did it. Especially after the second warning. When he goes to jail, I wonder if he's going to get some clamps up his ass. Is that enough for you? warning. When he goes to jail, I wonder if he's going to get some clamps up his ahhhhhh. Is that enough for you? And then he calls the warden over and is like,

these are too small. The portion was too small. These dicks are way too small. I followed Dice two weeks ago, by the way. It was amazing. On Twitter? No, in life. In life, down the street. Live stand-up comedy at the comedy store. You know, we've done that. We did that years ago and then wrote a bit the street. Live stand-up comedy. Fantastic. At the comedy store.

You know, we've done that. We did that years ago and then wrote a bit about it. Did you really? Yeah, because it's a horrible experience. But it was also, his intro of us was the most disrespectful thing ever. And if it was disrespectful and funny, then we would have had nothing to say about it. It was disrespectful and not funny. So you were like, we gotta make it funny

and go into this cat, and it was really fun. Yeah. He got my intro right, because he wants to work. Oh. He wants to team up. And by the way, that's where you know where you're at. That's the heat check. I honestly do, not with intros,

I go, which phony cocksucker still wants to talk to me? And if there's enough of them, I go, alright, not with intros. I go, which phony cocksucker still wants to talk to me? And if there's enough of them, I go, all right, I'm still relevant. I'm in. I still got it. I'm not even kidding. This cat right here? If I go to an Emmy party and people will talk to me, and then I'm like, oh, yeah, all right.

I'm still around. I'm still around. Thank God. Thank God. Thank God this guy bullshitted me for 20 minutes. Total piece of shit. Douche. Bullshitted me for 20 minutes. Total inveterate. Douche. Bullshitted me for 20 minutes.

Total inveterate, top to bottom. Let's all do it together. Total piece of shit. Let's take a break. When we come back, one last story. Give me a little tease, Dan. A little tease. Somebody's already mentioned something like this.

It's a ticket in Quebec that could not be more ridiculous. Getting a ticket. I love it. Quebec's it. Quebec. Quebec. And then we have a voicemail from the former Vice President Al Gore, which I'm very excited about. So stay tuned. There's more Dumb People Talk right after this.

Hey guys, welcome back to DPT, Dumb People Talk. I'm going to say this. Neil Brennan, we follow you on Instagram and follow you on the Twits, and you are fantastic on both. Guys, thank you very much. You're welcome.

But for our fans out there, it's just... Hey, yeah, we want to build up our Instagram. So follow us on Instagram. We're at Sklar Brothers. Follow Daniel, Van Kirk, and... Neil Brennan. Neil Brennan. And if you're in the New York area, on February 25th,

our live podcast of Dumb People Down at the Bell House is selling out. It is very close to being sold out, and we'll maybe add a second at the Bell House is selling out. It is very close to being sold out and we'll maybe add a second one. We can sell it out. And we're recording a little in advance

so it might be sold out by now. So check. Find out in a minute. It'll be a second show. I'd love to add a second show. You'll be the last one

in that one. It'll be super fun. We have one more story. Here we go. Sent in by Rick Heladi. H-I-L-A-D-I-E. Which to me is a Spanish word for ice cream. Can I talk about something real quick?

You don't want anything to do with anything, and then I need to promote something? Yeah, of course. Do you remember how saturated the 80s were with kidnapping? Fears of kidnapping? Yes. kidnapping dobermans quicksand uh cobras and kidnapping okay so there was a there was a uh where was i don't remember i think i was reading this maybe in the new yorker but there was a um a like adam walsh and john walsh and all that shit and like so how many uh people oh, it was in that book, Fantasyland, by Kurt Anderson.

The last book you'll ever read. Yep, last book. By the way, book on tape. Could be. Anyhow, book on tape. Narrated by Ice Cube. Read to me. I got some money.

I have a little bit of money. Read to me. You read to me. Hey, dummy, you read to me. Put me to sleep, Arthur. So how many people, you guys were alive and in ripe kidnapping age. Perfect. How many people a year on average do you think were being kidnapped?

Because most Amber Alerts are, it's custody issues. Yeah, it's a parenting. So how many people were cold abducted? Legitimately. A stranger abducts a-, it's a parenting. So how many people were cold, abducted, a stranger abducts a little kid? I never get to play these games. This is a great game. So this is per year?

Do you have like an 80s stat yearly? I don't have a specific. There was a year that John Walsh said that he estimated around 50,000 kids were getting abducted a year and then somebody actually did the research. Okay, I have my number. This is great. I love it.

I'm going to guess 88, 89. What do you think, Dan? The year is 88, 89. That's not the number. 37. I'm going to say 2,000. I'm going to say 450,000. Okay. I'm going to say 450. 300.

Wow. That's close. That's it. Yeah. 300 kids. 300 kids. The amount of literature and fucking- Yeah, and press coverage.

Maybe it worked. And you would say that, but I don't think the desire's there. Who wants a fucking kid? To me, I'm like, only people who don't have kids would take a kid. Ever. That's it. Dumbest idea ever. Ever.

I got to pee. I got to fucking. Just trying to get my kid dressed today was like, someone take it. Someone come and take her. Someone please take her. I love her to death. And a girl, no less. Yes.

I still don't want her. No. I'm like, take her. Still don't want her. Maybe China had it right. There's more to that joke that I'm not doing because, you know, these podcasts, they don't get to these things. That's right. These are permanent records.

What do you want to promo? I want to promo me and Whitney Cummings. I wrote a movie with Whitney called Female Brain, which comes out February 9th. Nice. Beautiful. Blake Griffin, your friend Blake Griffin. Yes. Love Blake Griffin.

Whitney, me, Cecily Strong, Sofia Vergara. Love it. Fucking James Marston's funny. Great. Lady Lucy Punch is funny. Dionne Cole is funny. Great. Awesome.

I love every single person you're naming. I think I'm forgetting. That's, I think, the list. In theaters? In theaters, yeah. Holy shit. It's like IFC, so it's only like 30 theaters. Sure.

And then it's on VOD. And what's it called, man? I love it. Female Brain. Okay. Nice. So here's the deal. Check it out.

On the 9th, you go see that movie or get it on VOD, and then the next week, you go into the movies. Ours is in 10 theaters. 10 cities. 10 cities. That's awesome. What's it called? It's a poop doc.

It's a documentary about poop, and it's comedians and people talking, and scientists and other people talking. Why is this on this subject that it happens to everybody? Everybody does it, yet not a lot of poop, and it's comedians and people talking, and scientists and other people talking. Why is this on this subject that it happens to everybody? Everybody does it, yet not a lot of people talk about it. What's it called? It's called Poop Talk. And it is an open and honest discussion about shitting, and it is really funny and really interesting. You know who likes talking about shitting?

Mary Lou Henner. Did you talk to her? No, we did not. I've seen her talk. She used to talk openly about it because she wrote a lot of health books. I saw her on Letterman talking about it. It feels so good. It's amazing

how universal it is and yet everybody has a story. I don't love talking about it. Me either. I didn't either. But then there were people doing this who love talking about it and were great to listen to about it. And people had some stories. Kira Soltanovich's story about leaving Russia and her story involved a handful of shit is one of the most triumphant stories I've ever heard.

It's fantastic. So there's a lot of that. Brad Williams has a great story. There's a good comedy in there about shitting. So on the 9th, you do this one, the female brain. Yep. And then the next week, poop talk. There you go.

We just did your two weekends of activity right there. You got it. Hope you live in a good city, guys, because they ain't going to small markets. VOD. VOD, baby. If you're not in that city, get on VOD. V-O-D. Last story, Dan.

All right. So it is sent in by Rick Hiladi, at Hiladi, Hiladi, Hiladi, maybe? H-I-L-A-D-I-E. Okay. Hi Lady. An Ottawa man who forgot to lock his car says he feels like he's been robbed, even though his vehicle and its contents were never touched by thieves. Police in, this is where I'm not good with geography names, Gatineau?

Fine. G-A-T-I-N-E-U. Who's going to challenge us? We'll find the one. Someone will. They'll reach out. Neil Brennan. Yo, motherfucker.

I would never see your movie, you second wave hag. Get the name of this city right. Gatineau handed David Carrier a ticket last Wednesday citing a bylaw requiring drivers to lock up after they park. The province's highway safety code states no person may leave an unattended road vehicle that is in his custody without previously removing the ignition key and locking the door. So they are giving tickets for people who don't lock their doors. Wow. That's Canada. That's Canada telling you. I think people who don't lock their doors. Wow. That's Canada. That's Canada telling you.

I think people leave their houses unlocked in Canada. You didn't lock your door, you get a ticket. Carrier said the officer who issued the fine was peering through vehicle windows along this parking lot. It's the guy from Beat Up the ATM. He became a cop. He became a cop. Carrier's the guy from a Mr. and Mrs. I give people for not locking the door.

When he left his car and walked to a nearby restaurant. Quote, I thought I was seeing someone robbing cars or something like that. He told CTV Montreal on Tuesday. As he got closer, it became apparent that he was wearing some kind of uniform. And then I took him to be a security guard. Can I ask an honest question for real? Yes. Neil and Dan and Jay, you can do this too because you all have cars.

question for real. Yes. Neil and Dan and Jay, you can do this too because you all have cars. What are the errands or the places you'll go where you will leave, do you at all leave your car unlocked when you leave it? I have a Tesla. Next question. There you go.

Lights out. Tesla to me says you have no kids. If I would leave it unlocked. None of care in the world. I am my own baby. If I had leave it unlocked? That's correct. Not a care in the world. I am my own baby. Go ahead. If I had to run in somewhere that it's like literally a storefront, like a 7-Eleven, I can see my car the entire time. You would keep it unlocked and hop in.

Maybe, but yeah. I have another thing. Go, and then I'll tell you. Whether I lock it or not depends on what's in my car. So if my computer's in my car, then I... I don't even trust that. I take my computer with me or I put it in the trunk. Yeah, but I'm just saying if nothing's in the car, just a bunch of dumb stuff.

There have been a couple of times where I have run in to do something and I didn't lock the door. And the whole time I'm in there, I'm like, that was stupid. That was stupid. I have a what it's like to date Neil Brennan story. Ooh, I've wondered. That was stupid. That was stupid. I have a what it's like to date Neil Brennan story.

Ooh, I've wondered. My ex, you'll know why in a second, didn't like me bringing my phone to dinner, right? Would you lay it on the table? So I left it. No, I would just put it in my pocket. So I left it in the car and guess who got broken into? This is like a year ago. Yeah.

Yeah, the kid. The kid got broken into. A year and a half ago. Yeah. Yeah, the kid. The kid got broken into. A year and a half ago. And phone stolen. Yes. Only phone stolen. Downtown. Guess who likes holding a grudge?

Ah, Neil Brennan. Wait a minute. Do you list like, obviously you know people who are famous in your phone. Do you list them by their actual name? I do. And I make a,

I literally think it's funny. Yeah. And like if you can get, if you can break into my phone. Go call Blake Griffin. Go call fucking, you know what Will Smith's listed under? Will Smith. It's so dumb. It's so dumb.

I shouldn't have his number. He'll be like, I can't be him. I want to get caught, bro. I shouldn't have a lot of these numbers. No, you shouldn't. This just shows you how much you shouldn't have these numbers. Yes, exactly. You're like the human embodiment of WikiLeaks.

That is correct. You're the contactless WikiLeaks. You're like an iPhone 10 Julian Assange. Yes. So we, I'd like that I assume that you had the 10. Sure, of course. You know what? You were right, yet I don't.

It's on brand. I'm right to assume. I'm on brand. It's on brand. But you've got assume I'm on brand. It's on brand. But you've got to get up to your own brand here. One time, I think Pete Holmes asked me if I had the iPhone 7, and I said, grow up. Just to put it in perspective, what a phony. No answer.

No real answer. Just grow up. What were you going to say? Remember that? Just that when we were in Chicago, downtown Chicago, we were with our friends. Oh, yes. Our friend who's a doctor and his wife's friends from Michigan.

We did a comedy show. We did a comedy show at the Laugh Factor or something there in downtown Chicago, and they parked and by accident left their window open. And the keys. Not the keys. His cell phone in the car, window open. And I was like,

we came back to the car and everything was there. And I was like, Chicago, you fucking failed. Yeah. Like, who did this? Shut it down. This car should be gone and stripped apart. Shut the city down. Shut the city down.

I have two stories, if you don't mind. Please. Guys, if I could have the floor, please. You got it. The chair recognizes Neil. You got it. One of the things is I don't even lock my house sometimes because I don't have anything of value in my house.

Nothing is valuable anymore. TVs, you go to Best Buy, they'll give you a TV. They have so many flat screens right now. We've talked about that. I've tried that. What's a flat screen? The biggest flat screen, you get a 70-inch flat screen for $140.

Fact. Out the door. Fact. That's mostly installation, by the way. That's mostly installation. So, again, I've got a four-year-old Mac. Okay. You can have it.

I've been looking to get a new one anyway. Thank you. So you just have tons of've been looking to get a new one anyway. Thank you. So you just have tons of insurance. No, I just don't have anything. You're not attached to it. I'm also, I just don't have anything. Right. Not only, I wouldn't want them to take my computer because I have shit on it, but it's backed up.

Put it in the cloud, bitch. Yeah, it's in the cloud, bitch. And then secondly, I used to, it's in the cloud, bitch. And then secondly, I used to have this system in New York. I lived on the... If you take nothing away from this podcast, just that I'm a phony piece of shit, I had a penthouse apartment in New York. Or as my brother used to call it,

apartment 11C. Because he hated admitting that i had a yeah exactly uh kevin kevin kevin please fucking uh police uh and i kevin was staying at my place and he's and i used to leave the door open because like if you can get past the doorman it's yours and then get pick my apartment at random it's yours and then get the shit out of the building have at it it. God bless you. Have at it. Kevin basically,

he was laying the gauntlet. Yeah, so Kevin said he came home and there was a guy in my apartment laying on an ottoman. And Kevin's only description was,

Neil, this guy was black as night. Which is so hilarious and racist and nonsensical because the whole thing was made up. No one was laying in my apartment. He just, Kevin has OCD.

And he wanted to get you to start locking the door. And he thought he would prey on my non-existent fear of black dudes, but damn near. Because to me, I hear black guys in my apartment and I was like, did he want to write anything? Let's work on it. Let's have an idea.

You saw the potential of future work. I love it. What are we doing? What are we working on here? What are we doing? All right, so what happened to this dude? He thought he was seeing somebody rob cars. He got closer.

He realized it was a cop. Maybe he was patrolling the shops. And then he realized he was checking to see if people's doors were locked or not. So now they're just walking around trying to catch people. That's creepy. Yes. He said he was inside the steakhouse. What's the law?

That's breaking an entry. The law is you've got to unlock your car. Carrier said he was inside the steakhouse. By the time he realized his vehicle was unlocked, he said he was greeted by the officer and he returned. He was like, oh shit, I forgot to lock my car. So he went back and he met the cop there. The cop said, quote, he said, I have to give you a ticket.

I said, it's okay. I'm at the Baton Rouge. I can be parked here. And he goes, no, I'm give you a ticket. I said, it's okay. I'm at the Baton Rouge. I can be parked here. And he goes, no, I'm giving you a ticket for having your car doors unlocked. For trusting too much. Yeah. It's a trust. Also, I'm giving you a ticket for not wearing a Hurt Locker suit.

Right. Everywhere you go. Everywhere you go. Because there are bombs all around us. Everywhere. Everywhere. Gatineau police have issued 467 tickets for unlocked cars in 2017. Last year, in 2016, they issued 517.

I'm going to ask you guys, how much do you think the ticket is for? Canadian money or American dollars? American dollars is what they have it listed as. I'm going to go with $45. $45. Jay, $65. $65. I'm going to say this was like one of those $87 one that makes you so mad.

Okay. The ticket, the price, the citation for leaving your door unlocked and having found out by police is $52. Ooh, Neil. Neil Brandt. I understand stupid laws. He understands it. He gets it. I understand stupid fines.

They said they designed this crime to reduce crimes of opportunity. We can all, as citizens, help prevent crime in easy ways by locking your doors. The guy who got the ticket, we're going to get out of here quickly on this, he took to Facebook to vent his frustration. He said he tried to explain to the officer that he was only in the restaurant for two minutes before returning. The officer said it was too late. He was just doing his job.

Instead of catching people breaking into cars, they're punishing people who are not committing a crime. And in my case, someone who is in the process of complying with into cars, they're punishing people who are not committing a crime, and in my case someone who is in the process of complying with the law, but did not even know it existed. He said, this is what I love, he said he's going to fight it even if he has to pay the $89 in court fees. He doesn't care, and then he said this,

Ah, the nanny state. Next time I visit, I will lock the doors, but leave my windows rolled down. As I read it, that's not technically illegal. Oh, I love this guy. Any other stupid laws I should be aware of? Stick it back to him. They fuck with the wrong guy.

His only repercussion? Call 911. Yeah. All right, before we get out of here, we have a voicemail from Al Gore. He's talking about the wildfires and what it means. I mean, I feel like who better to talk about that than Al Gore? You have one new voice message. Hello, Randy and Chase.

It's Al Gore here. I just want to let you know that these recent wildfires in Southern California, they came as no surprise to me. I knew long ago, in 1988, when I invented the Internet, that this day would come. I ran a lot of different algorithms on the computer, literally algorithms when I was running, and they showed that the cloud cover would soon turn into

an atmospherically planet we would have. Little ozone, very little protection from the sun. And when the sun starts burning and melting the glaciers, look out. Look out, Miami. It is going to be a fun time for you. But that's why this is happening. That's why things are burning. The sun's too hot and we don't have the protection.

And Donald Trump is just, he doesn't get it, guys. So take cover. Get your underground bunkers ready. Because we're going to have to go subterranean to survive this. This is Al Gore with another Inconvenient Truth signing off. Okay. That explains it. I believe everything that Al Gore says.

Well, Al Gore is the person. I think everything he says is a convenient truth. That's me. Neil Brennan, thank you for joining the show, dude. I had fun, guys. Go see his movie on February 9th. The Female Brain. And then follow him on Twitter and follow him on all that stuff

and all that things. This is great. And oh shit, we gotta get back to work. Hey guys, Jason Sklar, Randy Sklar, Dan Van Kirk.

Yes. And our guest on Dumb People Town this week is Neil Brennan. Thanks for being here, Neil. Our guest this week is Neil Brennan. There's a lot of that going on in the show.

A guy who's not happy with his food and got arrested for it. Don't call 911 if you're not happy with your dinner. Stupid laws, be damned. Don't punch an ATM. We will take you to task, and Neil Brandon tells a few of the best stories that we've heard on this show. I agree.

All involving money. Yeah. All involving? I don't like to be likable. Yeah. I don't want anyone rooting for me. Don't you dare for one second. I dare you to listen to this.

I dare you to like Neil Brennan when this is done. And then root for him when it's all done.